June 11, 2026 • 20 mins
Over-Owning Others' Emotions: How Hypervigilance, People-Pleasing & Anxiety Keep You Stuck
Do you feel responsible for other people's feelings? Do you find yourself walking on eggshells, constantly monitoring everyone's mood, and trying to prevent conflict before it happens?
For many recovering people-pleasers, hypervigilance becomes a way of life. We learn to scan for emotional threats, manage other people's reactions, and carry burdens that were never ours to hold.
In this episode, MaryAnn explores the connection between people-pleasing, hypervigilance, anxiety, and nervous system dysregulation. You'll discover why trying to manage other people's emotions leaves you exhausted, how over-functioning keeps others from growing, and what it looks like to create healthier emotional boundaries without feeling guilty.
What You'll Learn in This Episode
- Why people-pleasers often feel responsible for other people's emotions
- The hidden connection between hypervigilance, anxiety, and an overactive nervous system
- Signs you're over-owning emotional responsibility in your relationships
- How rescuing, fixing, and over-functioning contribute to burnout
- Why allowing others to experience discomfort can be an act of love
- How to stop walking on eggshells and start creating emotional safety within yourself
- Practical ways to support others without taking on their emotional burdens
Work With Me
If you're tired of carrying everyone else's emotional load and want support creating healthier boundaries, let's talk.
Book a free 30-minute clarity call where we'll identify one simple shift that can help you feel more peaceful, confident, and emotionally free.
Schedule your free call here:
https://calendly.com/maryannwalkerlife/freeconsult
Don't Forget to Subscribe
If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to subscribe to Inner Work with MaryAnn Walker so you never miss an episode.
Each week, you'll learn practical tools to help you stop people-pleasing, regulate your nervous system, set healthy boundaries, and create more balanced relationships.
Links Mentioned in This Episode
- Free Clarity Call: https://calendly.com/maryannwalkerlife/freeconsult
- Website: https://www.maryannwalker.life
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker (00:42):
Well, hello and welcome back.
Are you somebody that feelspersonally responsible for
making sure that everybody elseis okay?
Are you somebody that jumps intoaction the second that you
notice that somebody else isupset?
Do you often find yourself inthe role of mediator or
emotional processor for otherpeople?
If so, then today's episode isfor you.
We're going to be talking aboutwhat it looks like to over-own
(01:03):
other people's emotions and alsosome of the unintended
consequences that can arise whenyou choose to just handle it on
your own.
But before we dive in, I wannashare with you a story, and yes,
I know that this is ridiculous,but stick with me here.
So imagine for just a momentthat your neighbor just bought a
billy goat, and this billy goatis so darn cute.
Oh my gosh, it's just thesweetest thing.
(01:24):
It's got little horns andeverything.
It's just so cute.
And after they bought this goat,then they realized,"Oh, I don't
actually have a place to keepthis billy goat, and now I need
to leave for work every day, sowhere could I put this goat?"
And then they see you outsidegetting your mail, and then they
get a great idea and they say,"Hey, would you please watch
this goat for me?
I don't have a fenced-in yardand I need someplace for it to
(01:46):
go, so can Billy stay at yourhouse while I go to work?
That would be so helpful forme." And since you want to be a
nice neighbor, then you say yes,even though you know that this
isn't your goat and it's notyour problem and it's probably
going to impact your life in avery big way.
You might even think,"Okay,yeah, it's gonna be
uncomfortable for me, but Iwould rather make myself
uncomfortable than make myneighbor feel uncomfortable not
(02:08):
knowing what to do with theirgoat.
So okay, yes, I'll agree to it.
Sure, your goat can come on in.
Let's hang out, Billy." And sothe neighbor leaves for work,
and the goat comes in yourhouse, and sure enough, it is
chaos.
You're following the goataround.
You're scrambling to put awayyour valuable things so it won't
break them.
It's eating the laundry asyou're trying to put it away.
It's making holes in the wallwith its little horns, and
(02:29):
you're trying to patch thingsup, and everything around you is
a big mess, but you manage.
It's a struggle, but you manage.
You're picking up everythingexactly as it happens.
And by the time the neighborcomes back over, then
everything's been cleaned up.
There's no more mess.
There's no poop on the floor.
There's no holes in the wall.
You threw out all of thehalf-eaten socks, and everything
(02:49):
appears to be fine for you.
And your neighbor might evensay,"Wow, I had no idea that my
goat was so well house trained.
This is such a wonderfulsolution that I came up with.
I'm going to bring my goat overhere every single day because
apparently they're betterbehaved at your house than they
are at my house.
At my house, I have so muchpicking up to do, but your house
(03:09):
looks great." And they are nowconvinced that the best way to
solve their goat problem is tolet you solve their goat problem
for them.
And the truth is that this is aworkable solution for them, but
it is not necessarily a workablesolution for you.
But because you have decided totake on ownership of the daytime
(03:32):
management of the goat, thenyour neighbor, then they never
experience what it's actuallylike to have a goat in the
daytime.
They never build a fence.
They never build a shelter fortheir goat, and they never learn
how to properly care for theirgoat because guess what?
You are doing all of it forthem.
So while initially it may haveseemed like you were doing your
neighbor a favor, really,they're never learning how to
(03:55):
navigate goat ownership on theirown.
And your taking it on for themis basically saying,"You know
what?
They can't do it.
They're never going to learn howto do it.
It is better if I just do it forthem." But after some time,
you're starting to feel burnedout.
You're feeling hypervigilant asyou're following this goat
around all day, right?
You're starting to feel likeyou're walking on eggshells in
(04:17):
your own home.
And you know all of this, andalso you're still believing that
it's better for you to take onthis goat And I get it that this
is an absolutely silly example,but this is often what we do
when we over-own other people'semotional experiences.
We not only stunt their growth,but we put our own nervous
(04:38):
system on edge while we're alsoreinforcing to ourselves and to
other people that you're notcapable of doing this right now,
and you might never be capableof learning how to do this in
the future, so I must do thisfor you, right?
We're essentially infantilizingthem, keeping them small,
keeping them stuck.
And on the surface, it can looklike we're being helpful.
It can look like we're beingthoughtful or kind.
(04:59):
I mean, you do just wanna helpthem to feel better, right?
But what is actually happeningfor many people pleasers is that
they're now struggling to knowthe difference between genuinely
helping someone and trying toregulate their own nervous
system.
So for example, maybe as achild, then you learned that
whenever your more emotionallyreactive parent came home, that
(05:20):
you needed to jump into work,and if you did that, then you
could avoid becoming a target.
So you would clean, you wouldorganize, you would load the
dishwasher to demonstrate yourlevel of helpfulness in an
attempt to lighten theirparents' load And hopefully
avoid their being grumpy.
Or maybe in a friendship, thenyou learned over time that
having needs and making requestswould result in your friend
(05:40):
becoming overwhelmed.
So you learned over time to bendover backwards to accommodate
them and fulfill their needs inthe hopes that someday, maybe
they would have the capacity tofulfill your needs.
But until then, your needs, theywould just remain quiet,
unspoken, unimportant.
Or maybe when there's a new taskthat's coming out at work, then
(06:01):
you take it upon yourself toassess each individual person's
current capacity.
So you might be thinking,"Okay,well, that person, they're
having relationship issues, sothey shouldn't have anything
else.
They're still recovering fromillness.
That person always seemsoverwhelmed, even though they
seem to have the fewest numberof tasks." So in an attempt to
prevent everyone else fromhaving a negative emotion, in an
(06:22):
attempt to prevent anyone fromhaving to declare their own
capacity, learn how to stateboundaries, or feel their own
feelings, then you decide totake on the task, even though
your plate is already full.
And when you do that, what doyou think it does to your
nervous system?
It sets you up forhypervigilance.
(06:42):
It sets you up for having toalways be on, to always be
ready, to always be in tune withother people's emotions, to
always be ready to jump in,intervene, fix it, smooth things
over.
And your hypervigilance, itshows up as a way to attempt to
minimize your own discomfort,but it's actually creating a lot
of discomfort for you.
(07:02):
In fact, let's talk about a fewof the signs and symptoms of
hypervigilance.
You might feel like you'rewalking on eggshells.
You have a hard time slowingdown or resting.
You're probably exhausted allthe time, but you're unable to
truly rest.
In fact, even when you have thetime for a much-needed nap, then
your mind start racing, yourbody feels restless, and even
(07:23):
though you might be layingstill, you can't seem to relax
enough to actually fall asleep.
When you're hypervigilant, thenyou keep scanning the room.
You're observing everybody'sbody language, their
microexpressions.
You're overanalyzing the textmessage that you just received,
attempting to read between thelines to hopefully preempt any
negative emotion for anybodyelse.
You might feel anxious, on edge,insecure, uncertain.
(07:48):
And when you're experiencingthose emotions, the tendency is
to actually increase your levelof hypervigilance in an attempt
to calm down your own anxiety.
But it keeps getting worse.
Somehow, the messaging thatyou've received over time is
that if there's a problem, it isyour responsibility to solve it.
And yeah, the truth is, you'veprobably become pretty good at
(08:08):
reading other people.
You've become pretty good atknowing how to navigate
different situations.
And other people, they may havealso learned over time that when
I am feeling uncomfortable, Iknow just who to turn to in
order to feel better.
And so now, your hypervigilancethen it's just turned into
over-functioning.
You're taking on more than yourshare in relationship.
You are always initiating theconversations, the texting, the
(08:31):
planning to hang out, becauseyou're worried that the
relationship is going to fallapart if you don't.
You're constantly adjusting yourschedule to accommodate other
people so that they are notinconvenienced.
You spend hours listening toother people's struggles, hoping
that maybe eventually theyreciprocate and ask how it is
that I'm doing.
You start doing tasks forothers, even basic tasks, that
(08:53):
they could actually do on theirown.
This might look like staying upuntil 2:00 AM and helping your
high schooler with an assignmentthat they delayed starting till
the night before just so thatthey won't experience the
negative emotions that can comewith getting a bad grade.
Or maybe you're scheduling yourpartner's appointments and
becoming their personalsecretary, reminding them of
what's coming up in an effort tobe seen as helpful and
(09:13):
necessary.
Or maybe rather than allowingyour family members to follow
through on their chores, likeemptying the dishwasher or the
litter box, then you just do itfor them because you know how
burned out they are, which isfine every now and then, but now
you're doing it all the time.
You're jumping in to fixproblems without being asked.
For example, maybe a friendmentions having relationship
(09:35):
issues, and without being asked,now you're offering up
solutions.
You're offering up childcare andan overnight getaway to help
them to fix the relationship.
Or maybe your partner comes homefeeling really frustrated about
work, and rather than justlistening, then you're jumping
into problem-solving mode andoffering up solutions.
Or maybe you're interjectingyourself as mediator between two
(09:58):
family members that arestruggling to see things eye to
eye.
You volunteer to take on thelion's share of the mental load
and the emotional load in yourrelationships by monitoring
everybody's moods and adjustingyour behavior to keep the peace.
You work to remember everybody'sappointments and commitments
rather than just allowing themto track them on their own.
You spend hours worrying abouthow somebody else might react to
(10:20):
a conversation before it's evenhappened.
You're thinking andoverthinking, thinking,"Well, if
I can just find the exact words,then maybe I can avoid any upset
when I make a request." Or maybeyou've become the unpaid coach
or therapist for many of thepeople in your life, helping
them to feel seen and heard andunderstood, while at the same
time they have no idea what'sgoing on for you.
(10:40):
And while on the surface all ofthese things can appear to be
helpful, they're actually justattempts to create emotional
safety for ourselves.
And the more that you do thesethings for other people, the
more your nervous system learnsover time that if I stay on top
of everything, then nobody willbe upset.
If I can solve problems quickly,then conflict won't happen.
If I can anticipate everybodyelse's needs, then I won't
(11:02):
disappoint anyone.
If I can just do it myself, thenI can avoid criticism from
others.
So then you're constantlymonitoring the environment for
emotional threats that aren'tactually yours to manage.
Now let me share with you acommon example.
So Pam overhears a conversationthat's happening between her
husband and her teenagedaughter, and the volume is
(11:23):
getting louder, and she isbecoming more and more
uncomfortable.
So she intervenes because sheknows them best after all.
And so she goes in and she tellsher husband,"Okay, this is what
they were trying to say." Andthen she turns to her daughter,
"Okay, and this is what your dadwas trying to say.
This is what he meant to say,"trying to soften the blow.
But the thing is that whileintervening might bring
temporary peace as she assuagesall of their feelings, then it
(11:46):
will not ultimately lead to herhusband and her teenager
learning how to talk to eachother and navigate their
differing viewpoints.
And a really interesting thinghappens when you choose to take
on someone else's emotionalexperience.
The first thing is they neverlearn how to navigate things on
their own.
They never learn how toself-regulate, how to
communicate, how to problemsolve, how to hold themselves
(12:07):
accountable for the impact oftheir actions or their inaction.
But something else reallyinteresting happens for you when
you try to manage others.
More than likely, when you arechoosing to fix it for other
people, you are so focused onthem that you're also not
learning how to navigate yourown negative emotions, your own
(12:28):
discomfort.
What you're doing instead ismaking your emotional well-being
contingent upon other people'semotions.
Something that, yes, you canhave influence over how other
people feel, but ultimately youcannot control other people's
emotions But today, you canstart to do things differently.
You can choose to start playingthe long game and trusting that
(12:50):
people will figure things outrather than trying to create
short-term immediate relief foryourself.
You can choose to allow yourselfto experience discomfort as
you're practicing how otherpeople will choose to solve
their own problems.
You can choose to be there forothers without taking on their
burdens yourself.
You can start allowing space forboth of you to feel just a
little bit uncomfortable as theygain the confidence to create
(13:13):
change for themselves.
When you start to take on otherpeople's emotions at your own
expense, you are teaching otherpeople as well as your own
nervous system that theirfeelings are the priority and
that you are not safe untiltheir feelings have been
managed.
But since we can't actuallymanage other people's emotions,
all that we're really doing isjust perpetuating our own
(13:35):
discomfort.
So yes, it may be uncomfortableto feel your heart race and your
face get hot when your partnercomes home upset.
You may experience shallowbreathing and panic as you
witness an exchange between youradult child and your partner.
You might start to sweat whensomebody brings up politics at
your family reunion and openlyjudges another family member.
(13:57):
And also, sitting in thatdiscomfort for just a little
while longer, it can allow spacefor some very necessary and real
experiences to take place, whichcould honestly be the most
compassionate thing that youcould do for other people.
Maybe allowing them to workthings out without your
intervening is what is actuallygoing to help them to see that
(14:17):
the way that they're currentlyapproaching things is not
actually working, right?
They might think it's workingbecause,"But I took the goat to
your house and everything seemsfine, so problem solved, right?"
But allowing them to do that canhelp them to see what is not
actually working.
Maybe being there to just sitwith them without fixing it is
what is going to help them tofind their own more permanent
(14:38):
solution.
Maybe allowing somebody to failis what is going to help them to
self-reflect on how they coulddo better next time.
Maybe somebody experiencing anegative emotion isn't the worst
thing that could happen.
Maybe it's believing thatthey're never going to be able
to overcome it on their ownthat's actually worse.
So start to notice today whereyou might be sliding into
(15:00):
hypervigilance and emotionalmanagement of other people.
Notice what happens whensomebody gets angry and you calm
them, when somebody createsconflict and you fix it.
Notice what happens whensomebody makes a poor choice and
you rescue them, when somebodyavoids responsibility and you
pick up the pieces.
And notice that, yes, it doesfeel good in the moment, and we
(15:20):
might even think that we'remodeling how to handle things
moving forward, and sometimes itdoes do that.
But when their takeaway isn't,"Ineed a fenced-in yard for my
goat," but rather,"Oh, thingsare so much better when they
just do it for me," then thatmight be a sign that you've
actually stunted their growthrather than supported their
growth.
And when that happens, thensometimes we're confused.
(15:41):
We're confused about why theyaren't changing.
But why would they change?
They're not experiencing thefull impact of their choices.
We are carrying it for them.
And meanwhile, our nervoussystem is paying the price.
We're exhausted from monitoringeverybody else's moods.
We're anxious from anticipatingproblems that may or may not
arise.
We're overwhelmed.
(16:02):
But let me remind you that otherpeople's emotions are not our
personal emergencies.
Your friend can be disappointed.
Your spouse can be frustrated.
Your child can be upset.
Your coworker can be irritated.
And none of those thingsautomatically require you to
(16:23):
jump in and fix it for them.
Sometimes the most loving thingthat you can do is allow
somebody to feel what it is thatthey're feeling and just allow
them to figure things out.
Allow them to have the hardconversations without
intervening.
Allow them to practice making arepair.
Allow them to come up with theirown solutions.
Healthy relationships requirehealthy boundaries.
(16:47):
It is possible to care aboutother people's feelings without
becoming personally responsiblefor them.
It is possible to love andsupport without rescuing.
And when you finally stop tryingto manage everybody else's
emotions, then something reallyincredible happens.
You get your life back.
Your nervous system, it finallygets a chance to rest.
You stop walking on eggshells.
(17:08):
You stop scanning every room forproblems.
You stop carrying burdens thatwere never yours to begin with.
And the people around you, theyfinally get the opportunity to
become stronger, more resilient,and more capable of handling
life on their own.
And letting them learn and growand evolve, that just might be
one of the most loving thingsthat you could possibly do for
(17:29):
them.
So many people, and especiallywomen, have been conditioned to
believe that they are personallyresponsible for managing
everybody else's emotions.
So if someone expresses anegative emotion or if somebody
says something that could beinterpreted as rude or
insensitive or even aggressive,then the highly sensitive person
is suddenly activated.
They jump into action to fix it.
(17:51):
But today, we start to do thingsdifferently.
Now, if you are ready to createchange, please come and book a
free clarity call with me.
On these calls, we'll talk aboutwhat is weighing on you most and
identify one small change thatyou can start today that will
make a huge impact for you.
And I hear you.
You're probably thinking,"Okay,why does she keep offering these
calls for free?
She must be selling mesomething." And guess what?
(18:13):
You're right.
I do these calls to makecoaching feel more accessible to
people, to help more people, toget more clients.
And if we are a good fit, thenat the end of our call, I will
tell you how it is that you canwork with me.
And also, this is truly alow-pressure call.
Remember, I am a recoveringpeople pleaser myself, and I
hate telling people no.
I am the person that wouldrather drive to a different
(18:34):
store than go into the storethat I could see that there were
people out front of that wereselling something.
It was the worst thing for me towalk by somebody and say,"No,
thank you." And I have learnedthrough that experience and
grown.
I know that experience verywell.
So I want you to know that ofall the people that you could go
to for coaching, I understandthat aspect, and so this is
absolutely a low pressure call.
(18:56):
I just wanna offer you one tipthat can help you to create
lasting change.
And if you want to hear more,great, and if not, that's fine.
I'm just happy to help.
But please take some concreteaction.
Listening to podcasts on peoplepleasing, it's great, and it can
be so helpful.
But I will be honest with youthat I 10X'ed my personal
progress the moment that Istarted investing into myself
(19:18):
and investing into coaching withsomebody that could look at my
specific circumstances and helpme to see things more clearly.
So if you are ready to investinto yourself as a recovering
people pleaser, I promise youthat there is no safer person to
explore the idea of coachingwith in a non-confrontational,
low pressure way than bychatting with me, somebody who
totally gets it.
So you can book your free30-minute call by clicking the
(19:40):
link in the show notes.
I am so looking forward tomeeting with you, and I'll see
you next week.
Bye now.
Well, hello and welcome back.
Are you somebody that feelspersonally responsible for
making sure that everybody elseis okay?
Are you somebody that jumps intoaction the second that you
notice that somebody else isupset?
Do you often find yourself inthe role of mediator or
emotional processor for otherpeople?
If so, then today's episode isfor you.
We're going to be talking aboutwhat it looks like to over-own
(01:03):
other people's emotions and alsosome of the unintended
consequences that can arise whenyou choose to just handle it on
your own.
But before we dive in, I wannashare with you a story, and yes,
I know that this is ridiculous,but stick with me here.
So imagine for just a momentthat your neighbor just bought a
billy goat, and this billy goatis so darn cute.
Oh my gosh, it's just thesweetest thing.
(01:24):
It's got little horns andeverything.
It's just so cute.
And after they bought this goat,then they realized,"Oh, I don't
actually have a place to keepthis billy goat, and now I need
to leave for work every day, sowhere could I put this goat?"
And then they see you outsidegetting your mail, and then they
get a great idea and they say,"Hey, would you please watch
this goat for me?
I don't have a fenced-in yardand I need someplace for it to
(01:46):
go, so can Billy stay at yourhouse while I go to work?
That would be so helpful forme." And since you want to be a
nice neighbor, then you say yes,even though you know that this
isn't your goat and it's notyour problem and it's probably
going to impact your life in avery big way.
You might even think,"Okay,yeah, it's gonna be
uncomfortable for me, but Iwould rather make myself
uncomfortable than make myneighbor feel uncomfortable not
(02:08):
knowing what to do with theirgoat.
So okay, yes, I'll agree to it.
Sure, your goat can come on in.
Let's hang out, Billy." And sothe neighbor leaves for work,
and the goat comes in yourhouse, and sure enough, it is
chaos.
You're following the goataround.
You're scrambling to put awayyour valuable things so it won't
break them.
It's eating the laundry asyou're trying to put it away.
It's making holes in the wallwith its little horns, and
(02:29):
you're trying to patch thingsup, and everything around you is
a big mess, but you manage.
It's a struggle, but you manage.
You're picking up everythingexactly as it happens.
And by the time the neighborcomes back over, then
everything's been cleaned up.
There's no more mess.
There's no poop on the floor.
There's no holes in the wall.
You threw out all of thehalf-eaten socks, and everything
(02:49):
appears to be fine for you.
And your neighbor might evensay,"Wow, I had no idea that my
goat was so well house trained.
This is such a wonderfulsolution that I came up with.
I'm going to bring my goat overhere every single day because
apparently they're betterbehaved at your house than they
are at my house.
At my house, I have so muchpicking up to do, but your house
(03:09):
looks great." And they are nowconvinced that the best way to
solve their goat problem is tolet you solve their goat problem
for them.
And the truth is that this is aworkable solution for them, but
it is not necessarily a workablesolution for you.
But because you have decided totake on ownership of the daytime
(03:32):
management of the goat, thenyour neighbor, then they never
experience what it's actuallylike to have a goat in the
daytime.
They never build a fence.
They never build a shelter fortheir goat, and they never learn
how to properly care for theirgoat because guess what?
You are doing all of it forthem.
So while initially it may haveseemed like you were doing your
neighbor a favor, really,they're never learning how to
(03:55):
navigate goat ownership on theirown.
And your taking it on for themis basically saying,"You know
what?
They can't do it.
They're never going to learn howto do it.
It is better if I just do it forthem." But after some time,
you're starting to feel burnedout.
You're feeling hypervigilant asyou're following this goat
around all day, right?
You're starting to feel likeyou're walking on eggshells in
(04:17):
your own home.
And you know all of this, andalso you're still believing that
it's better for you to take onthis goat And I get it that this
is an absolutely silly example,but this is often what we do
when we over-own other people'semotional experiences.
We not only stunt their growth,but we put our own nervous
(04:38):
system on edge while we're alsoreinforcing to ourselves and to
other people that you're notcapable of doing this right now,
and you might never be capableof learning how to do this in
the future, so I must do thisfor you, right?
We're essentially infantilizingthem, keeping them small,
keeping them stuck.
And on the surface, it can looklike we're being helpful.
It can look like we're beingthoughtful or kind.
(04:59):
I mean, you do just wanna helpthem to feel better, right?
But what is actually happeningfor many people pleasers is that
they're now struggling to knowthe difference between genuinely
helping someone and trying toregulate their own nervous
system.
So for example, maybe as achild, then you learned that
whenever your more emotionallyreactive parent came home, that
(05:20):
you needed to jump into work,and if you did that, then you
could avoid becoming a target.
So you would clean, you wouldorganize, you would load the
dishwasher to demonstrate yourlevel of helpfulness in an
attempt to lighten theirparents' load And hopefully
avoid their being grumpy.
Or maybe in a friendship, thenyou learned over time that
having needs and making requestswould result in your friend
(05:40):
becoming overwhelmed.
So you learned over time to bendover backwards to accommodate
them and fulfill their needs inthe hopes that someday, maybe
they would have the capacity tofulfill your needs.
But until then, your needs, theywould just remain quiet,
unspoken, unimportant.
Or maybe when there's a new taskthat's coming out at work, then
(06:01):
you take it upon yourself toassess each individual person's
current capacity.
So you might be thinking,"Okay,well, that person, they're
having relationship issues, sothey shouldn't have anything
else.
They're still recovering fromillness.
That person always seemsoverwhelmed, even though they
seem to have the fewest numberof tasks." So in an attempt to
prevent everyone else fromhaving a negative emotion, in an
(06:22):
attempt to prevent anyone fromhaving to declare their own
capacity, learn how to stateboundaries, or feel their own
feelings, then you decide totake on the task, even though
your plate is already full.
And when you do that, what doyou think it does to your
nervous system?
It sets you up forhypervigilance.
(06:42):
It sets you up for having toalways be on, to always be
ready, to always be in tune withother people's emotions, to
always be ready to jump in,intervene, fix it, smooth things
over.
And your hypervigilance, itshows up as a way to attempt to
minimize your own discomfort,but it's actually creating a lot
of discomfort for you.
(07:02):
In fact, let's talk about a fewof the signs and symptoms of
hypervigilance.
You might feel like you'rewalking on eggshells.
You have a hard time slowingdown or resting.
You're probably exhausted allthe time, but you're unable to
truly rest.
In fact, even when you have thetime for a much-needed nap, then
your mind start racing, yourbody feels restless, and even
(07:23):
though you might be layingstill, you can't seem to relax
enough to actually fall asleep.
When you're hypervigilant, thenyou keep scanning the room.
You're observing everybody'sbody language, their
microexpressions.
You're overanalyzing the textmessage that you just received,
attempting to read between thelines to hopefully preempt any
negative emotion for anybodyelse.
You might feel anxious, on edge,insecure, uncertain.
(07:48):
And when you're experiencingthose emotions, the tendency is
to actually increase your levelof hypervigilance in an attempt
to calm down your own anxiety.
But it keeps getting worse.
Somehow, the messaging thatyou've received over time is
that if there's a problem, it isyour responsibility to solve it.
And yeah, the truth is, you'veprobably become pretty good at
(08:08):
reading other people.
You've become pretty good atknowing how to navigate
different situations.
And other people, they may havealso learned over time that when
I am feeling uncomfortable, Iknow just who to turn to in
order to feel better.
And so now, your hypervigilancethen it's just turned into
over-functioning.
You're taking on more than yourshare in relationship.
You are always initiating theconversations, the texting, the
(08:31):
planning to hang out, becauseyou're worried that the
relationship is going to fallapart if you don't.
You're constantly adjusting yourschedule to accommodate other
people so that they are notinconvenienced.
You spend hours listening toother people's struggles, hoping
that maybe eventually theyreciprocate and ask how it is
that I'm doing.
You start doing tasks forothers, even basic tasks, that
(08:53):
they could actually do on theirown.
This might look like staying upuntil 2:00 AM and helping your
high schooler with an assignmentthat they delayed starting till
the night before just so thatthey won't experience the
negative emotions that can comewith getting a bad grade.
Or maybe you're scheduling yourpartner's appointments and
becoming their personalsecretary, reminding them of
what's coming up in an effort tobe seen as helpful and
(09:13):
necessary.
Or maybe rather than allowingyour family members to follow
through on their chores, likeemptying the dishwasher or the
litter box, then you just do itfor them because you know how
burned out they are, which isfine every now and then, but now
you're doing it all the time.
You're jumping in to fixproblems without being asked.
For example, maybe a friendmentions having relationship
(09:35):
issues, and without being asked,now you're offering up
solutions.
You're offering up childcare andan overnight getaway to help
them to fix the relationship.
Or maybe your partner comes homefeeling really frustrated about
work, and rather than justlistening, then you're jumping
into problem-solving mode andoffering up solutions.
Or maybe you're interjectingyourself as mediator between two
(09:58):
family members that arestruggling to see things eye to
eye.
You volunteer to take on thelion's share of the mental load
and the emotional load in yourrelationships by monitoring
everybody's moods and adjustingyour behavior to keep the peace.
You work to remember everybody'sappointments and commitments
rather than just allowing themto track them on their own.
You spend hours worrying abouthow somebody else might react to
(10:20):
a conversation before it's evenhappened.
You're thinking andoverthinking, thinking,"Well, if
I can just find the exact words,then maybe I can avoid any upset
when I make a request." Or maybeyou've become the unpaid coach
or therapist for many of thepeople in your life, helping
them to feel seen and heard andunderstood, while at the same
time they have no idea what'sgoing on for you.
(10:40):
And while on the surface all ofthese things can appear to be
helpful, they're actually justattempts to create emotional
safety for ourselves.
And the more that you do thesethings for other people, the
more your nervous system learnsover time that if I stay on top
of everything, then nobody willbe upset.
If I can solve problems quickly,then conflict won't happen.
If I can anticipate everybodyelse's needs, then I won't
(11:02):
disappoint anyone.
If I can just do it myself, thenI can avoid criticism from
others.
So then you're constantlymonitoring the environment for
emotional threats that aren'tactually yours to manage.
Now let me share with you acommon example.
So Pam overhears a conversationthat's happening between her
husband and her teenagedaughter, and the volume is
(11:23):
getting louder, and she isbecoming more and more
uncomfortable.
So she intervenes because sheknows them best after all.
And so she goes in and she tellsher husband,"Okay, this is what
they were trying to say." Andthen she turns to her daughter,
"Okay, and this is what your dadwas trying to say.
This is what he meant to say,"trying to soften the blow.
But the thing is that whileintervening might bring
temporary peace as she assuagesall of their feelings, then it
(11:46):
will not ultimately lead to herhusband and her teenager
learning how to talk to eachother and navigate their
differing viewpoints.
And a really interesting thinghappens when you choose to take
on someone else's emotionalexperience.
The first thing is they neverlearn how to navigate things on
their own.
They never learn how toself-regulate, how to
communicate, how to problemsolve, how to hold themselves
(12:07):
accountable for the impact oftheir actions or their inaction.
But something else reallyinteresting happens for you when
you try to manage others.
More than likely, when you arechoosing to fix it for other
people, you are so focused onthem that you're also not
learning how to navigate yourown negative emotions, your own
(12:28):
discomfort.
What you're doing instead ismaking your emotional well-being
contingent upon other people'semotions.
Something that, yes, you canhave influence over how other
people feel, but ultimately youcannot control other people's
emotions But today, you canstart to do things differently.
You can choose to start playingthe long game and trusting that
(12:50):
people will figure things outrather than trying to create
short-term immediate relief foryourself.
You can choose to allow yourselfto experience discomfort as
you're practicing how otherpeople will choose to solve
their own problems.
You can choose to be there forothers without taking on their
burdens yourself.
You can start allowing space forboth of you to feel just a
little bit uncomfortable as theygain the confidence to create
(13:13):
change for themselves.
When you start to take on otherpeople's emotions at your own
expense, you are teaching otherpeople as well as your own
nervous system that theirfeelings are the priority and
that you are not safe untiltheir feelings have been
managed.
But since we can't actuallymanage other people's emotions,
all that we're really doing isjust perpetuating our own
(13:35):
discomfort.
So yes, it may be uncomfortableto feel your heart race and your
face get hot when your partnercomes home upset.
You may experience shallowbreathing and panic as you
witness an exchange between youradult child and your partner.
You might start to sweat whensomebody brings up politics at
your family reunion and openlyjudges another family member.
(13:57):
And also, sitting in thatdiscomfort for just a little
while longer, it can allow spacefor some very necessary and real
experiences to take place, whichcould honestly be the most
compassionate thing that youcould do for other people.
Maybe allowing them to workthings out without your
intervening is what is actuallygoing to help them to see that
(14:17):
the way that they're currentlyapproaching things is not
actually working, right?
They might think it's workingbecause,"But I took the goat to
your house and everything seemsfine, so problem solved, right?"
But allowing them to do that canhelp them to see what is not
actually working.
Maybe being there to just sitwith them without fixing it is
what is going to help them tofind their own more permanent
(14:38):
solution.
Maybe allowing somebody to failis what is going to help them to
self-reflect on how they coulddo better next time.
Maybe somebody experiencing anegative emotion isn't the worst
thing that could happen.
Maybe it's believing thatthey're never going to be able
to overcome it on their ownthat's actually worse.
So start to notice today whereyou might be sliding into
(15:00):
hypervigilance and emotionalmanagement of other people.
Notice what happens whensomebody gets angry and you calm
them, when somebody createsconflict and you fix it.
Notice what happens whensomebody makes a poor choice and
you rescue them, when somebodyavoids responsibility and you
pick up the pieces.
And notice that, yes, it doesfeel good in the moment, and we
(15:20):
might even think that we'remodeling how to handle things
moving forward, and sometimes itdoes do that.
But when their takeaway isn't,"Ineed a fenced-in yard for my
goat," but rather,"Oh, thingsare so much better when they
just do it for me," then thatmight be a sign that you've
actually stunted their growthrather than supported their
growth.
And when that happens, thensometimes we're confused.
(15:41):
We're confused about why theyaren't changing.
But why would they change?
They're not experiencing thefull impact of their choices.
We are carrying it for them.
And meanwhile, our nervoussystem is paying the price.
We're exhausted from monitoringeverybody else's moods.
We're anxious from anticipatingproblems that may or may not
arise.
We're overwhelmed.
(16:02):
But let me remind you that otherpeople's emotions are not our
personal emergencies.
Your friend can be disappointed.
Your spouse can be frustrated.
Your child can be upset.
Your coworker can be irritated.
And none of those thingsautomatically require you to
(16:23):
jump in and fix it for them.
Sometimes the most loving thingthat you can do is allow
somebody to feel what it is thatthey're feeling and just allow
them to figure things out.
Allow them to have the hardconversations without
intervening.
Allow them to practice making arepair.
Allow them to come up with theirown solutions.
Healthy relationships requirehealthy boundaries.
(16:47):
It is possible to care aboutother people's feelings without
becoming personally responsiblefor them.
It is possible to love andsupport without rescuing.
And when you finally stop tryingto manage everybody else's
emotions, then something reallyincredible happens.
You get your life back.
Your nervous system, it finallygets a chance to rest.
You stop walking on eggshells.
(17:08):
You stop scanning every room forproblems.
You stop carrying burdens thatwere never yours to begin with.
And the people around you, theyfinally get the opportunity to
become stronger, more resilient,and more capable of handling
life on their own.
And letting them learn and growand evolve, that just might be
one of the most loving thingsthat you could possibly do for
(17:29):
them.
So many people, and especiallywomen, have been conditioned to
believe that they are personallyresponsible for managing
everybody else's emotions.
So if someone expresses anegative emotion or if somebody
says something that could beinterpreted as rude or
insensitive or even aggressive,then the highly sensitive person
is suddenly activated.
They jump into action to fix it.
(17:51):
But today, we start to do thingsdifferently.
Now, if you are ready to createchange, please come and book a
free clarity call with me.
On these calls, we'll talk aboutwhat is weighing on you most and
identify one small change thatyou can start today that will
make a huge impact for you.
And I hear you.
You're probably thinking,"Okay,why does she keep offering these
calls for free?
She must be selling mesomething." And guess what?
(18:13):
You're right.
I do these calls to makecoaching feel more accessible to
people, to help more people, toget more clients.
And if we are a good fit, thenat the end of our call, I will
tell you how it is that you canwork with me.
And also, this is truly alow-pressure call.
Remember, I am a recoveringpeople pleaser myself, and I
hate telling people no.
I am the person that wouldrather drive to a different
(18:34):
store than go into the storethat I could see that there were
people out front of that wereselling something.
It was the worst thing for me towalk by somebody and say,"No,
thank you." And I have learnedthrough that experience and
grown.
I know that experience verywell.
So I want you to know that ofall the people that you could go
to for coaching, I understandthat aspect, and so this is
absolutely a low pressure call.
(18:56):
I just wanna offer you one tipthat can help you to create
lasting change.
And if you want to hear more,great, and if not, that's fine.
I'm just happy to help.
But please take some concreteaction.
Listening to podcasts on peoplepleasing, it's great, and it can
be so helpful.
But I will be honest with youthat I 10X'ed my personal
progress the moment that Istarted investing into myself
(19:18):
and investing into coaching withsomebody that could look at my
specific circumstances and helpme to see things more clearly.
So if you are ready to investinto yourself as a recovering
people pleaser, I promise youthat there is no safer person to
explore the idea of coachingwith in a non-confrontational,
low pressure way than bychatting with me, somebody who
totally gets it.
So you can book your free30-minute call by clicking the
(19:40):
link in the show notes.
I am so looking forward tomeeting with you, and I'll see
you next week.
Bye now.
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