June 18, 2026 • 23 mins
Have you ever started setting boundaries, speaking up for yourself, or finally prioritizing your own needs—only to find that some of your relationships suddenly feel strained or even end?
If so, you're not alone.
One of the most confusing parts of personal growth is realizing that not everyone celebrates your healing. Some people cheer you on, some people grow alongside you, and others pull away entirely.
In this episode, we're exploring why relationship changes are such a common part of the healing journey, especially for empaths, highly sensitive people, recovering people pleasers, and chronic over-givers.
You'll learn why your growth can create discomfort for others, how self-sacrifice can unintentionally create imbalance in relationships, and why losing certain connections doesn't mean you've done anything wrong.
If you've ever wondered why people leave when you finally start honoring yourself, this episode will help you understand what's really happening—and how to move forward with greater peace, confidence, and self-trust.
What You'll Learn
- Why setting boundaries can change the dynamics of your relationships
- The difference between resonance and dissonance in relationships
- How personal growth creates a choice for the people around you
- Why some people resist your healing journey
- How over-giving can create unhealthy relationship patterns
- The hidden costs of being the rescuer, caretaker, or peacemaker
- Why someone else's disappointment doesn't automatically mean you're selfish
- How to recognize relationships built on reciprocity versus self-sacrifice
- What healthy, balanced relationships actually look like
- How to navigate grief when relationships change or end
Key Takeaway
When you stop abandoning yourself, the people around you are often forced to adjust. Some will grow with you. Others may choose not to. Neither response determines your worth.
The relationships that survive your healing journey are often the ones built on authenticity, mutual respect, and shared responsibility—not on self-sacrifice.
Challenge for the Week
Notice one area where you've been filling an unpaid emotional role in a relationship.
Ask yourself:
"What would happen if I stopped doing this for someone else and allowed them to take responsibility for themselves?"
Practice taking one small step toward greater balance this week.
Restore Balance in Your Relationships
If you're tired of carrying the emotional load for everyone around you and you're ready to create healthier, more reciprocal relationships, I've created a free resource to help.
FREEBIE! Click here to restore balance in out-of-balance relationships:
https://maryannwalker-life.kit.com/bf9af10f51
Work With Me
Ready to stop people pleasing, strengthen your boundaries, and create healthier relationships?
I offer one-on-one coaching for empaths, highly sensitive people, and recovering over-givers who are ready to reclaim their voice, honor their needs, and build a life that feels more authentic.
Learn more at:
https://www.maryannwalker.life
Listen
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker (00:42):
Well, hello, and welcome back.
Today we're going to be talkingabout something that can feel
extremely confusing and evenpainful when you're on a healing
journey, and it's answering thisquestion: Why do some people
leave when we're finallystarting to make positive
changes for ourselves?
And maybe you're somebody that'sin the middle of it now.
Maybe you've started settingboundaries.
(01:02):
Maybe you've started saying no.
Maybe you have finally stoppedapologizing for simply existing.
Maybe you've started honoringyour needs instead of making
everybody else's needs yourfull-time job.
And then suddenly people areacting weird, all right?
Your partner is irritated, yourfriends seem distant, your
coworkers are treating youdifferently, and you're kind of
left wondering,"Okay, but wait,I thought that all of this
(01:24):
self-improvement stuff wassupposed to make all of my
relationships better.
So why does this feel so hardand so uncomfortable?" And the
truth is that sometimes it doesmake everything better when you
start to work on yourself.
Sometimes your growth, itinspires other people.
Sometimes your relationshipstruly do deepen.
They become more authentic andmore connected.
(01:44):
Sometimes people cheer you on,and they might even say,"Oh my
goodness, I just love this newversion of you.
I cannot believe how much growthyou've experienced, and that I
have been a witness to it all.
Oh my gosh, this is just soamazing." And other times people
get upset.
Sometimes people pull away.
Sometimes people will leave.
(02:05):
And I want you to know that ifyou have experienced the pain of
losing connections with peopleas you've begun to grow and
evolve, it's not that you'redoing personal growth wrong.
In fact, I would say that thisis one of the most common things
that I see in my coachingpractice.
As you know, I work with a lotof healers, empaths, and
recovering people pleasers, andI also work with a lot of other
(02:26):
coaches, so obviously these arepeople that have done the work.
They have made the change.
And I would estimate that about,mm, seventy-five percent of
these people, they'veexperienced some kind of
relationship change over timebecause of the growth that
they've experienced.
And it doesn't just change youwhen you make these changes, it
changes all of the relationshipsaround you.
(02:47):
When I first started doing myown inner work, when I first
started working with my owncoach, I noticed something
really interesting.
Very similar issues and verysimilar conflicts, they were
showing up in multiplerelationships and at first, I
made this mean that I must bethe problem.
I thought,"Well, if this ishappening in multiple
relationships, then I must bethe common denominator.
(03:10):
I must be doing somethingwrong." But I was only half
right.
While it was true that I was thecommon denominator, it wasn't
because I was doing anythingwrong that I was experiencing
these conflicts.
It's because I was doingsomething right.
And doing it right was reallyshaking things up, and not
everybody appreciated thatshakeup.
(03:31):
They wanted things to stay asthey were.
They wanted me to just maintainthe status quo.
Some people didn't want me togrow and evolve and to change
because it was kind of aninconvenience.
So yes, the common denominator,it was me.
It was that I was growing, and Iwas creating much needed change
in my relationships.
I was finally learning how totake responsibility for what was
(03:51):
mine.
And something that was equallyimportant was that I was also
learning how to stop takingresponsibility for the things
that weren't mine to own.
I started saying no to requeststhat didn't fit in with my
values, my time, my energy, ormy schedule.
I finally stopped jumping in torescue other people, and I
started to just practiceallowing them to figure it out
(04:12):
on their own and to have theirown growth experiences.
I stopped trying to predicteverybody's needs before they
even voiced them, and I stoppedover-explaining my personal
boundaries.
And perhaps most shocking ofall, I finally started to make
requests for what it was that Iwanted.
And I know that it sounds liketotally outrageous behavior for
a people pleaser, because if youare a recovering people pleaser,
(04:35):
you know that asking for what itis that you want in a
relationship, it can feeldownright criminal.
And the truth is that thechanges that I was making, they
created a ripple effect thatsoon impacted all of my
relationships.
And because some people hadbecome accustomed to a certain
version of me, a version thatwas highly accommodating, highly
available, highly accessible,highly aware of everybody else's
(04:57):
emotions, a version that oftenput herself last, well, not
everybody liked that new versionof me.
So yes, some of my relationshipsbecame stronger.
Some relationships evolvedbeautifully, and now we're more
connected than ever.
And other relationships, if I'mbeing completely honest with
you, that was kind of thebeginning of the end for us.
(05:18):
So today, let's talk about threereasons why those people who do
leave, leave.
So first of all, let's talkabout resonance and dissonance.
Now, imagine for a moment that Ihave a beautiful tuning fork in
my hand, and when I hit thattuning fork, then it sings a
beautiful note.
And when it rings so loud andclear, then my ukulele at the
back of the room, it's gonnastart singing and vibrating at
(05:38):
the same frequency.
Now, this is resonance.
So this is essentially myukulele saying,"Yes, this is the
note.
This is the frequency.
Oh, it feels so familiar to me,and I match that frequency, and
it feels amazing." And ourrelationships can work the same
way.
When you're constantly sayingyes and matching other people's
frequencies, then you'reresonating with the ones that
(06:00):
you're self-sacrificing for, andpeople absolutely love that.
When you're carrying theemotional load in a relationship
so that they no longer have tocarry it, oh my goodness, people
love that.
When you're anticipating theirneeds before they've even been
spoken, when you're solvingproblems before they've even
been assigned to you, whenyou're volunteering before
anybody has asked you to helpout, when you're resonating at a
(06:21):
frequency that resonates withother people, then oh my
goodness, they're just so happy.
And they might even say,"Oh,this makes me sing.
This feels so great." And it isgreat.
And also, if the giving is onlyhappening in one direction, it
might not feel as good to you,and it might not be sustainable
for you.
(06:42):
In fact, this imbalance, it mayeven be creating some dissonance
for you in a relationship, eventhough it's working for and
resonating with them.
And when you start to say no,now we're introducing a new
frequency into the relationship,and some people are going to
resonate with that, and they'regoing to respect it.
And they'll say,"Oh, wow, goodfor you.
Thank you for letting me knowyour limits.
(07:03):
I love that we can be honestwith each other." And other
people will think,"Oh, wait aminute, I don't like this song.
This doesn't feel very good."And when this happens, then what
once felt like resonance, it nowfeels like dissonance because
you're changing the tune.
And truly, this is so much oflife.
We go into relationship, and wesee who resonates and who
(07:25):
doesn't, and sometimes you willresonate with others, and they
will also resonate with you.
And other times, you mightresonate with them, they won't
resonate with you, or viceversa.
And so sometimes it just doestake some time to figure out who
resonates and who doesn't.
In the beginning, it can feelamazing to give and to overgive,
but over time, you might come torealize that something is just a
(07:47):
little bit off.
What used to feel comfortable inthat relationship, it no longer
feels comfortable for you.
It's no longer working for you.
And that doesn't mean that yourboundary is wrong or that your
personal journey is wrong.
It simply means that now you'reidentifying who does and who
doesn't resonate, and that'sokay.
And sometimes the best way todiscover who does and doesn't
(08:10):
resonate is to change things upand just kind of see what
happens.
Improve yourself and see howthey respond.
You will learn very quickly whois willing to invest into your
own progression and your ownhealing and who isn't.
Think of it like an orchestrawhere all of the instruments are
attempting to tune into the samenote.
And ideally, everybody's able totune into the same note.
(08:32):
But if there's someone who isn'table to match that tone and
match that frequency, it's goingto become very obvious over
time.
All right, so reason number twoas to why people leave when you
improve yourself is that yourpersonal growth, it's going to
create a choice for otherpeople.
So when you make changes in howyou're choosing to engage with
other people and how you'reshowing up in life, others are
(08:54):
now faced with a decision.
You know the path that thatrelationship was currently on,
and you want to create change,and so you step off that path to
make your own trail.
And now they have a decision toeither join you on your new path
or continue on the path thatthey already know and are
familiar with.
And neither option is inherentlywrong.
Everybody has agency, andeverybody gets a choice and a
(09:14):
say in the matter as to where itis that they want to go.
But growth often shines a lighton places where others might not
want to grow.
So let's say, for example, thatyou have started speaking up in
a relationship.
You're making requests.
You're sharing your personalopinion.
You're letting people know thetruth about your availability.
Now, some people might see thatand think negatively about those
(09:36):
changes.
Maybe they felt safer when youdidn't speak up, when you had no
opinions, when you didn't haveany boundaries.
So they might be upset by yourpersonal growth.
But other people, they will beinspired by your change.
They might even feel like theynow finally have permission to
do the same, to show upauthentically, to say what it is
that they mean and mean what itis that they actually say, and
(09:58):
it feels so amazing.
And still other people, theymight just need some time to
figure out how it is that theythink and feel about it.
Your job is not to judge howother people respond to your
personal growth.
It's to work towards becomingthe best version of yourself and
discovering along the way who isand isn't willing to come along.
So yes, your growth, it can beinspiring, and it can also be
(10:21):
confronting for some peoplebecause growth, it tends to hold
up a mirror to other people, andnot everybody enjoys seeing what
it is that they see in themirror.
For example, I had one clientwho came to the realization that
their friend never actuallyasked for things.
They would hint at things, andthen they would hope that they
would just take care of it.
So let's kind of call thisclient Samantha and her friend
Tina.
Traditionally, then Tina wouldmake a comment like,"I sure
(10:44):
could use some rest today, butthe kids are driving me crazy."
Or she might say,"I am just toooverwhelmed to even get the
dishes done." And Samantha, likethe good friend that she is, she
would take this as a request.
She would jump up, she wouldtake the kids, she'd get the
dishes done while her friendnapped.
And then one day down the road,then Samantha made a comment
like,"Hey, do you remember how Itook your kids the other day?
I was wondering if you couldtake mine so that I could get
(11:05):
some shopping done." And Tinasaid,"Well, I never asked you to
do those things for me." And shewas right.
There had never actually been aninquiry.
And it was right about now thatSamantha realized that she was
actually creating imbalance inthat relationship.
She was creating imbalance andingratitude in relationship by
rushing in and rescuing herfriend rather than waiting to be
(11:27):
asked to help.
So she made the decision rightthen and there to not jump in
unless she was explicitly asked,and allow her friend to learn
and grow.
So now I won't tell you whathappened in this particular
story and how it ended, but I'msure that you can imagine that
once Tina recognized thatSamantha was now waiting to be
asked to step in rather thancontinuing to do all of the
(11:47):
emotional labor in relationship,it did have an impact on their
relationship.
Because now Tina had to firstidentify what it was she
actually wanted, and then shehad to allow herself to be
vulnerable enough to actuallyask Samantha for help.
Tina was now being shown amirror into what it was that she
had created by way of imbalancein relationship, and it didn't
(12:08):
feel very good.
But even when Tina eventuallyexpressed not really liking this
change, then Samantha knew deepdown that this is a change that
was very much needed, and Tina'sbeing disappointed doesn't mean
that she's done anything wrong.
So yes, some people, once theshock has worn off about your
growth and your change, thenthey will become inspired by
you.
They'll become curious.
(12:29):
They will notice the positivechanges in you, and they'll
start to do their own work tocreate something new for
themselves as well as for yourrelationship.
And others might respond with,"That's too much work.
That's not going to work for me.
Your expectations are too high,so no, I won't be joining you on
your journey." And that's fine.
They're free to choose that.
Those who are a vibrationalmatch and those who want to go
(12:51):
with you on your journey, theybecome incredibly beautiful and
more intimate relationships.
And those who aren't a matchwill often slowly fall out of
our lives.
But again, it does not mean thatyou have done anything wrong.
All right, reason number three,you were filling a role that
benefited them.
And this one can be a prettyuncomfortable one to look at,
(13:12):
but it's also really importantto know is, okay, just ask
yourself,"Who benefits from mestaying the same?" More than
likely, it's the people thatlove what it is that you do for
them.
And it's not because they'reevil, it's not because they're
being manipulative, but becausehuman beings naturally become
accustomed to systems that workfor them, right?
So let's be totally honest.
If you have spent years, orpossibly even your whole life,
(13:35):
making sure that everybodyelse's needs are met, then that
system, it probably did workreally well for them.
You spent years droppingeverything if they were stressed
out.
You spent years carrying theemotional labor in a
relationship.
You've been the caretaker, theaccommodator, the rescuer, the
peacemaker, the emotionalsupport human.
And all of that worked reallywell for them.
(13:56):
You were filling a role forthem, but this role, it was a
volunteer, unpaid position.
And you may be starting torealize now that there's
actually little to no benefit tostaying in this role at this
point in your journey.
There's no retirement plan,there's no paid vacation, and
yet somehow you have beenexpected to be on call for them
24/7 if they needed anything.
(14:19):
So when you stop filling thatrole for them, then people, they
often experience some discomfortbecause now they have to do
things that they've never had todo before.
They have to learn how to managetheir own emotions.
They have to learn how to solvetheir own problems.
They have to learn how to makerequests in a relationship
because up until now, you'vealways been so intuitive that
you just agreed to what it isthat they needed, and they never
(14:40):
even had to ask for it.
Now they need to learn how totake responsibility for
themselves, how to be their owncaretaker, how to be their own
healer, their own whatever.
And putting in the effort intodoing those things that you've
traditionally done for them, itdoesn't always feel good
because, yeah, they don't wannado it.
And because of that, thensometimes they may even resent
(15:00):
you for putting them in thatposition of having to be
accountable for themselves.
And this isn't because you'vedone anything wrong, but it's
simply because you made it clearthat that arrangement, it was
working for them, but it wasn'tworking for you.
And now change must happenbecause it's time for you to
grow and evolve and change andfind something that works better
for both of you.
(15:22):
And just because somebodybenefited from your
self-sacrifice, it doesn't meanthat your self-sacrifice was
healthy.
In fact, as we talked about inlast week's episode on
hypervigilance, the owning ofother people's emotions, it
doesn't actually serve either ofyou.
Instead, it creates dependency,it prevents personal growth, and
it keeps everybody stuck.
(15:44):
Healthy relationships shareresponsibility.
It's not one person carrying theentire load.
So once you see that you arefilling that unpaid position for
them, then you might decide inyour head that,"Okay, it's time
to quit that unpaid position,and I need to make some active
change here." And maybe theywill see that they took you for
granted and wanted you to do allof the work, or maybe they will
(16:05):
seek out somebody else to takeyour place and fill those roles
for them.
But even if that is the case, itstill does not mean that you
have done anything wrong.
You've just sought to createmore balance.
Now, if as you've been listeningto this, if you're thinking,
"Okay, but MaryAnn, it stillreally, really hurts.
I understand why they'releaving.
I understand why there's thisgap now, but it still really,
(16:27):
really hurts," I want you toknow that I know, and I deeply
understand.
And underneath a lot of thathurt is usually a lot of fear.
A fear of abandonment.
A fear that people will onlylove us for what it is that we
do for them and not who weactually are.
A fear that we're being selfishby actually advocating for
(16:49):
ourselves.
A fear that somebody being upsetis evidence that we've now done
something wrong.
Now, please, if you hear nothingelse from this episode, then
hear this.
Just because somebody else isuncomfortable, it doesn't
automatically mean that you'vedone something wrong.
Somebody being disappointed doesnot automatically mean that
you're selfish.
Someone having negativefeelings, it doesn't
(17:10):
automatically mean that you'rethe one now responsible for
fixing them.
And sometimes someone beingupset and even potentially
leaving, it's just a sign thatyou're making changes and that
good things are on their way.
More peace and more balance ison its way.
A life free of walking oneggshells is on its way.
(17:30):
And I know that that's a reallyhard lesson to learn for a lot
of people pleasers because manyof us were trained to believe
that everybody's emotional statewas somehow our responsibility,
but it's not.
Their emotions belong to themand your emotions belong to you.
And healthy relationships, theyallow both people to own their
own side.
(17:52):
So now let's talk briefly aboutthe people that stay, the people
that choose to evolve with youbecause they deserve some
airtime too.
The people who choose to evolveand grow with you, they will
become your nearest and dearestfriends.
I have a theory thatcompatibility, while yes, it is
nice to have a lot of things incommon, but I believe that one
of the most significant signs ofcompatibility is progressing at
(18:13):
roughly the same rate.
So the people that are choosingto progress with you, they're
the ones to hold on to.
You may need to let some peoplego, and while their absence can
be painful, there is so muchpeace that can come from
choosing to invest elsewhere.
You will experience more peacein your body and in your nervous
system.
You'll no longer feel likeyou're walking on eggshells.
(18:35):
Anxiety and depression willactually decrease.
You will sleep so much betterwhen you're no longer lying
awake wondering if everybody isokay and who might be upset with
you.
You will experience so much lessburnout, more balance in
relationships, and moreauthentic connections all
around.
The people who belong in yourlife, they get to know the real
(18:55):
version of you, not theperformance version of you, not
the masked version of you, justyou.
And that is one of the greatestgifts of this work.
So if you're in the middle ofthis right now, if somebody has
pulled away, if a friendship haschanged, if a friendship has
ended, if you are grieving theloss of what you had or if
you're thinking,"But I don'tknow if anyone is ever going to
(19:15):
fill that space for me," I wantyou to know that you're not
alone, and it does get better.
Trust that when people leave,they're creating space for
somebody that is more alignedwith you.
And sometimes that space, it canfeel painfully empty.
And let's be honest, sometimesit stays empty longer than we
would like.
(19:36):
But creating space for somethingbetter is not the problem.
Space is where new things cancome in.
So create some space foralignment, space for healthier
relationships.
When you choose to improveyourself, you change your
personal frequency, and itchanges the signal that you're
putting out into the world.
And eventually, the people whodo resonate with that signal,
(19:56):
just like with the tuning fork,they're going to say,"Oh, wow,
someone is near me thatresonates," and they are going
to find you.
And these people, they actuallyappreciate the you that you are
becoming.
They appreciate your boundaries.
In fact, I have one friend thatshe tells me almost every time
we get together, she says,"Oh,it is so nice being in
friendship with you because Iknow that if you're unavailable,
(20:17):
you're just gonna tell me so,and it doesn't mean anything
about me, and that is such agift for our relationship." So
yes, these new people, these newfriends, they're going to
appreciate your boundaries.
They are the people who valuereciprocity, the people who
don't need you to abandonyourself in order to love them.
These people do exist, and theyare worth making space for in
(20:38):
your life and waiting for.
Because the relationships builtfrom authenticity are far more
fulfilling than therelationships that are built on
self-sacrifice.
Remember, how other people showup is about them, and how you
show up is about you.
So keep growing, keep honoringyourself, and trust to the
people who are meant to be inyour life to walk beside you,
(21:00):
they will learn how to walk withthe version of you that's
becoming more and more yourselfevery single day.
There is so much that could beaccomplished by just listening
to a podcast, and I hope todayhas been helpful for you.
And also, there is so much morethat we can do working together
one-on-one.
I have a six-week coachingpackage designed to help you to
find your voice and create thatlasting change.
(21:20):
And the thing that I love aboutthese six-week packages is that
they give us a clear breakingpoint where we can either
separate and go our differentways, or we can continue on with
another package.
My clients love this because somany of them, they have found
themselves working with coachesor therapists with no clear end
goal in sight, and because ofthat, it's really unclear when
to end.
And so it's been such a relieffor my recovering people
(21:42):
pleasers to know that we can sitdown and assess where they're at
every six weeks and have a cleanbreak if needed.
It has been so good for theirnervous systems.
Now, I do limited hours forsummer, but just imagine it...
not only making this your hotgirl summer, but making this
your self-worth summer.
Your next step is to simply booka clarity call with me and see
(22:03):
if we might be a good fit.
This is a low-pressure call, andI only do a couple of these per
week, so click the link in theshow notes and let's chat.
This is a free and powerfulthirty-minute call where I help
you to gain clarity around whatone small change could have the
biggest impact on your life.
And if at the end of that call,if you would like to learn more
about working with me, great.
And if not, no worries.
(22:24):
I hope to still offer you somevalue on that call.
All right, well, here's to aweek of creating more peace and
balance, and I'll see you nexttime.
Bye now.
Well, hello, and welcome back.
Today we're going to be talkingabout something that can feel
extremely confusing and evenpainful when you're on a healing
journey, and it's answering thisquestion: Why do some people
leave when we're finallystarting to make positive
changes for ourselves?
And maybe you're somebody that'sin the middle of it now.
Maybe you've started settingboundaries.
(01:02):
Maybe you've started saying no.
Maybe you have finally stoppedapologizing for simply existing.
Maybe you've started honoringyour needs instead of making
everybody else's needs yourfull-time job.
And then suddenly people areacting weird, all right?
Your partner is irritated, yourfriends seem distant, your
coworkers are treating youdifferently, and you're kind of
left wondering,"Okay, but wait,I thought that all of this
(01:24):
self-improvement stuff wassupposed to make all of my
relationships better.
So why does this feel so hardand so uncomfortable?" And the
truth is that sometimes it doesmake everything better when you
start to work on yourself.
Sometimes your growth, itinspires other people.
Sometimes your relationshipstruly do deepen.
They become more authentic andmore connected.
(01:44):
Sometimes people cheer you on,and they might even say,"Oh my
goodness, I just love this newversion of you.
I cannot believe how much growthyou've experienced, and that I
have been a witness to it all.
Oh my gosh, this is just soamazing." And other times people
get upset.
Sometimes people pull away.
Sometimes people will leave.
(02:05):
And I want you to know that ifyou have experienced the pain of
losing connections with peopleas you've begun to grow and
evolve, it's not that you'redoing personal growth wrong.
In fact, I would say that thisis one of the most common things
that I see in my coachingpractice.
As you know, I work with a lotof healers, empaths, and
recovering people pleasers, andI also work with a lot of other
(02:26):
coaches, so obviously these arepeople that have done the work.
They have made the change.
And I would estimate that about,mm, seventy-five percent of
these people, they'veexperienced some kind of
relationship change over timebecause of the growth that
they've experienced.
And it doesn't just change youwhen you make these changes, it
changes all of the relationshipsaround you.
(02:47):
When I first started doing myown inner work, when I first
started working with my owncoach, I noticed something
really interesting.
Very similar issues and verysimilar conflicts, they were
showing up in multiplerelationships and at first, I
made this mean that I must bethe problem.
I thought,"Well, if this ishappening in multiple
relationships, then I must bethe common denominator.
(03:10):
I must be doing somethingwrong." But I was only half
right.
While it was true that I was thecommon denominator, it wasn't
because I was doing anythingwrong that I was experiencing
these conflicts.
It's because I was doingsomething right.
And doing it right was reallyshaking things up, and not
everybody appreciated thatshakeup.
(03:31):
They wanted things to stay asthey were.
They wanted me to just maintainthe status quo.
Some people didn't want me togrow and evolve and to change
because it was kind of aninconvenience.
So yes, the common denominator,it was me.
It was that I was growing, and Iwas creating much needed change
in my relationships.
I was finally learning how totake responsibility for what was
(03:51):
mine.
And something that was equallyimportant was that I was also
learning how to stop takingresponsibility for the things
that weren't mine to own.
I started saying no to requeststhat didn't fit in with my
values, my time, my energy, ormy schedule.
I finally stopped jumping in torescue other people, and I
started to just practiceallowing them to figure it out
(04:12):
on their own and to have theirown growth experiences.
I stopped trying to predicteverybody's needs before they
even voiced them, and I stoppedover-explaining my personal
boundaries.
And perhaps most shocking ofall, I finally started to make
requests for what it was that Iwanted.
And I know that it sounds liketotally outrageous behavior for
a people pleaser, because if youare a recovering people pleaser,
(04:35):
you know that asking for what itis that you want in a
relationship, it can feeldownright criminal.
And the truth is that thechanges that I was making, they
created a ripple effect thatsoon impacted all of my
relationships.
And because some people hadbecome accustomed to a certain
version of me, a version thatwas highly accommodating, highly
available, highly accessible,highly aware of everybody else's
(04:57):
emotions, a version that oftenput herself last, well, not
everybody liked that new versionof me.
So yes, some of my relationshipsbecame stronger.
Some relationships evolvedbeautifully, and now we're more
connected than ever.
And other relationships, if I'mbeing completely honest with
you, that was kind of thebeginning of the end for us.
(05:18):
So today, let's talk about threereasons why those people who do
leave, leave.
So first of all, let's talkabout resonance and dissonance.
Now, imagine for a moment that Ihave a beautiful tuning fork in
my hand, and when I hit thattuning fork, then it sings a
beautiful note.
And when it rings so loud andclear, then my ukulele at the
back of the room, it's gonnastart singing and vibrating at
(05:38):
the same frequency.
Now, this is resonance.
So this is essentially myukulele saying,"Yes, this is the
note.
This is the frequency.
Oh, it feels so familiar to me,and I match that frequency, and
it feels amazing." And ourrelationships can work the same
way.
When you're constantly sayingyes and matching other people's
frequencies, then you'reresonating with the ones that
(06:00):
you're self-sacrificing for, andpeople absolutely love that.
When you're carrying theemotional load in a relationship
so that they no longer have tocarry it, oh my goodness, people
love that.
When you're anticipating theirneeds before they've even been
spoken, when you're solvingproblems before they've even
been assigned to you, whenyou're volunteering before
anybody has asked you to helpout, when you're resonating at a
(06:21):
frequency that resonates withother people, then oh my
goodness, they're just so happy.
And they might even say,"Oh,this makes me sing.
This feels so great." And it isgreat.
And also, if the giving is onlyhappening in one direction, it
might not feel as good to you,and it might not be sustainable
for you.
(06:42):
In fact, this imbalance, it mayeven be creating some dissonance
for you in a relationship, eventhough it's working for and
resonating with them.
And when you start to say no,now we're introducing a new
frequency into the relationship,and some people are going to
resonate with that, and they'regoing to respect it.
And they'll say,"Oh, wow, goodfor you.
Thank you for letting me knowyour limits.
(07:03):
I love that we can be honestwith each other." And other
people will think,"Oh, wait aminute, I don't like this song.
This doesn't feel very good."And when this happens, then what
once felt like resonance, it nowfeels like dissonance because
you're changing the tune.
And truly, this is so much oflife.
We go into relationship, and wesee who resonates and who
(07:25):
doesn't, and sometimes you willresonate with others, and they
will also resonate with you.
And other times, you mightresonate with them, they won't
resonate with you, or viceversa.
And so sometimes it just doestake some time to figure out who
resonates and who doesn't.
In the beginning, it can feelamazing to give and to overgive,
but over time, you might come torealize that something is just a
(07:47):
little bit off.
What used to feel comfortable inthat relationship, it no longer
feels comfortable for you.
It's no longer working for you.
And that doesn't mean that yourboundary is wrong or that your
personal journey is wrong.
It simply means that now you'reidentifying who does and who
doesn't resonate, and that'sokay.
And sometimes the best way todiscover who does and doesn't
(08:10):
resonate is to change things upand just kind of see what
happens.
Improve yourself and see howthey respond.
You will learn very quickly whois willing to invest into your
own progression and your ownhealing and who isn't.
Think of it like an orchestrawhere all of the instruments are
attempting to tune into the samenote.
And ideally, everybody's able totune into the same note.
(08:32):
But if there's someone who isn'table to match that tone and
match that frequency, it's goingto become very obvious over
time.
All right, so reason number twoas to why people leave when you
improve yourself is that yourpersonal growth, it's going to
create a choice for otherpeople.
So when you make changes in howyou're choosing to engage with
other people and how you'reshowing up in life, others are
(08:54):
now faced with a decision.
You know the path that thatrelationship was currently on,
and you want to create change,and so you step off that path to
make your own trail.
And now they have a decision toeither join you on your new path
or continue on the path thatthey already know and are
familiar with.
And neither option is inherentlywrong.
Everybody has agency, andeverybody gets a choice and a
(09:14):
say in the matter as to where itis that they want to go.
But growth often shines a lighton places where others might not
want to grow.
So let's say, for example, thatyou have started speaking up in
a relationship.
You're making requests.
You're sharing your personalopinion.
You're letting people know thetruth about your availability.
Now, some people might see thatand think negatively about those
(09:36):
changes.
Maybe they felt safer when youdidn't speak up, when you had no
opinions, when you didn't haveany boundaries.
So they might be upset by yourpersonal growth.
But other people, they will beinspired by your change.
They might even feel like theynow finally have permission to
do the same, to show upauthentically, to say what it is
that they mean and mean what itis that they actually say, and
(09:58):
it feels so amazing.
And still other people, theymight just need some time to
figure out how it is that theythink and feel about it.
Your job is not to judge howother people respond to your
personal growth.
It's to work towards becomingthe best version of yourself and
discovering along the way who isand isn't willing to come along.
So yes, your growth, it can beinspiring, and it can also be
(10:21):
confronting for some peoplebecause growth, it tends to hold
up a mirror to other people, andnot everybody enjoys seeing what
it is that they see in themirror.
For example, I had one clientwho came to the realization that
their friend never actuallyasked for things.
They would hint at things, andthen they would hope that they
would just take care of it.
So let's kind of call thisclient Samantha and her friend
Tina.
Traditionally, then Tina wouldmake a comment like,"I sure
(10:44):
could use some rest today, butthe kids are driving me crazy."
Or she might say,"I am just toooverwhelmed to even get the
dishes done." And Samantha, likethe good friend that she is, she
would take this as a request.
She would jump up, she wouldtake the kids, she'd get the
dishes done while her friendnapped.
And then one day down the road,then Samantha made a comment
like,"Hey, do you remember how Itook your kids the other day?
I was wondering if you couldtake mine so that I could get
(11:05):
some shopping done." And Tinasaid,"Well, I never asked you to
do those things for me." And shewas right.
There had never actually been aninquiry.
And it was right about now thatSamantha realized that she was
actually creating imbalance inthat relationship.
She was creating imbalance andingratitude in relationship by
rushing in and rescuing herfriend rather than waiting to be
(11:27):
asked to help.
So she made the decision rightthen and there to not jump in
unless she was explicitly asked,and allow her friend to learn
and grow.
So now I won't tell you whathappened in this particular
story and how it ended, but I'msure that you can imagine that
once Tina recognized thatSamantha was now waiting to be
asked to step in rather thancontinuing to do all of the
(11:47):
emotional labor in relationship,it did have an impact on their
relationship.
Because now Tina had to firstidentify what it was she
actually wanted, and then shehad to allow herself to be
vulnerable enough to actuallyask Samantha for help.
Tina was now being shown amirror into what it was that she
had created by way of imbalancein relationship, and it didn't
(12:08):
feel very good.
But even when Tina eventuallyexpressed not really liking this
change, then Samantha knew deepdown that this is a change that
was very much needed, and Tina'sbeing disappointed doesn't mean
that she's done anything wrong.
So yes, some people, once theshock has worn off about your
growth and your change, thenthey will become inspired by
you.
They'll become curious.
(12:29):
They will notice the positivechanges in you, and they'll
start to do their own work tocreate something new for
themselves as well as for yourrelationship.
And others might respond with,"That's too much work.
That's not going to work for me.
Your expectations are too high,so no, I won't be joining you on
your journey." And that's fine.
They're free to choose that.
Those who are a vibrationalmatch and those who want to go
(12:51):
with you on your journey, theybecome incredibly beautiful and
more intimate relationships.
And those who aren't a matchwill often slowly fall out of
our lives.
But again, it does not mean thatyou have done anything wrong.
All right, reason number three,you were filling a role that
benefited them.
And this one can be a prettyuncomfortable one to look at,
(13:12):
but it's also really importantto know is, okay, just ask
yourself,"Who benefits from mestaying the same?" More than
likely, it's the people thatlove what it is that you do for
them.
And it's not because they'reevil, it's not because they're
being manipulative, but becausehuman beings naturally become
accustomed to systems that workfor them, right?
So let's be totally honest.
If you have spent years, orpossibly even your whole life,
(13:35):
making sure that everybodyelse's needs are met, then that
system, it probably did workreally well for them.
You spent years droppingeverything if they were stressed
out.
You spent years carrying theemotional labor in a
relationship.
You've been the caretaker, theaccommodator, the rescuer, the
peacemaker, the emotionalsupport human.
And all of that worked reallywell for them.
(13:56):
You were filling a role forthem, but this role, it was a
volunteer, unpaid position.
And you may be starting torealize now that there's
actually little to no benefit tostaying in this role at this
point in your journey.
There's no retirement plan,there's no paid vacation, and
yet somehow you have beenexpected to be on call for them
24/7 if they needed anything.
(14:19):
So when you stop filling thatrole for them, then people, they
often experience some discomfortbecause now they have to do
things that they've never had todo before.
They have to learn how to managetheir own emotions.
They have to learn how to solvetheir own problems.
They have to learn how to makerequests in a relationship
because up until now, you'vealways been so intuitive that
you just agreed to what it isthat they needed, and they never
(14:40):
even had to ask for it.
Now they need to learn how totake responsibility for
themselves, how to be their owncaretaker, how to be their own
healer, their own whatever.
And putting in the effort intodoing those things that you've
traditionally done for them, itdoesn't always feel good
because, yeah, they don't wannado it.
And because of that, thensometimes they may even resent
(15:00):
you for putting them in thatposition of having to be
accountable for themselves.
And this isn't because you'vedone anything wrong, but it's
simply because you made it clearthat that arrangement, it was
working for them, but it wasn'tworking for you.
And now change must happenbecause it's time for you to
grow and evolve and change andfind something that works better
for both of you.
(15:22):
And just because somebodybenefited from your
self-sacrifice, it doesn't meanthat your self-sacrifice was
healthy.
In fact, as we talked about inlast week's episode on
hypervigilance, the owning ofother people's emotions, it
doesn't actually serve either ofyou.
Instead, it creates dependency,it prevents personal growth, and
it keeps everybody stuck.
(15:44):
Healthy relationships shareresponsibility.
It's not one person carrying theentire load.
So once you see that you arefilling that unpaid position for
them, then you might decide inyour head that,"Okay, it's time
to quit that unpaid position,and I need to make some active
change here." And maybe theywill see that they took you for
granted and wanted you to do allof the work, or maybe they will
(16:05):
seek out somebody else to takeyour place and fill those roles
for them.
But even if that is the case, itstill does not mean that you
have done anything wrong.
You've just sought to createmore balance.
Now, if as you've been listeningto this, if you're thinking,
"Okay, but MaryAnn, it stillreally, really hurts.
I understand why they'releaving.
I understand why there's thisgap now, but it still really,
(16:27):
really hurts," I want you toknow that I know, and I deeply
understand.
And underneath a lot of thathurt is usually a lot of fear.
A fear of abandonment.
A fear that people will onlylove us for what it is that we
do for them and not who weactually are.
A fear that we're being selfishby actually advocating for
(16:49):
ourselves.
A fear that somebody being upsetis evidence that we've now done
something wrong.
Now, please, if you hear nothingelse from this episode, then
hear this.
Just because somebody else isuncomfortable, it doesn't
automatically mean that you'vedone something wrong.
Somebody being disappointed doesnot automatically mean that
you're selfish.
Someone having negativefeelings, it doesn't
(17:10):
automatically mean that you'rethe one now responsible for
fixing them.
And sometimes someone beingupset and even potentially
leaving, it's just a sign thatyou're making changes and that
good things are on their way.
More peace and more balance ison its way.
A life free of walking oneggshells is on its way.
(17:30):
And I know that that's a reallyhard lesson to learn for a lot
of people pleasers because manyof us were trained to believe
that everybody's emotional statewas somehow our responsibility,
but it's not.
Their emotions belong to themand your emotions belong to you.
And healthy relationships, theyallow both people to own their
own side.
(17:52):
So now let's talk briefly aboutthe people that stay, the people
that choose to evolve with youbecause they deserve some
airtime too.
The people who choose to evolveand grow with you, they will
become your nearest and dearestfriends.
I have a theory thatcompatibility, while yes, it is
nice to have a lot of things incommon, but I believe that one
of the most significant signs ofcompatibility is progressing at
(18:13):
roughly the same rate.
So the people that are choosingto progress with you, they're
the ones to hold on to.
You may need to let some peoplego, and while their absence can
be painful, there is so muchpeace that can come from
choosing to invest elsewhere.
You will experience more peacein your body and in your nervous
system.
You'll no longer feel likeyou're walking on eggshells.
(18:35):
Anxiety and depression willactually decrease.
You will sleep so much betterwhen you're no longer lying
awake wondering if everybody isokay and who might be upset with
you.
You will experience so much lessburnout, more balance in
relationships, and moreauthentic connections all
around.
The people who belong in yourlife, they get to know the real
(18:55):
version of you, not theperformance version of you, not
the masked version of you, justyou.
And that is one of the greatestgifts of this work.
So if you're in the middle ofthis right now, if somebody has
pulled away, if a friendship haschanged, if a friendship has
ended, if you are grieving theloss of what you had or if
you're thinking,"But I don'tknow if anyone is ever going to
(19:15):
fill that space for me," I wantyou to know that you're not
alone, and it does get better.
Trust that when people leave,they're creating space for
somebody that is more alignedwith you.
And sometimes that space, it canfeel painfully empty.
And let's be honest, sometimesit stays empty longer than we
would like.
(19:36):
But creating space for somethingbetter is not the problem.
Space is where new things cancome in.
So create some space foralignment, space for healthier
relationships.
When you choose to improveyourself, you change your
personal frequency, and itchanges the signal that you're
putting out into the world.
And eventually, the people whodo resonate with that signal,
(19:56):
just like with the tuning fork,they're going to say,"Oh, wow,
someone is near me thatresonates," and they are going
to find you.
And these people, they actuallyappreciate the you that you are
becoming.
They appreciate your boundaries.
In fact, I have one friend thatshe tells me almost every time
we get together, she says,"Oh,it is so nice being in
friendship with you because Iknow that if you're unavailable,
(20:17):
you're just gonna tell me so,and it doesn't mean anything
about me, and that is such agift for our relationship." So
yes, these new people, these newfriends, they're going to
appreciate your boundaries.
They are the people who valuereciprocity, the people who
don't need you to abandonyourself in order to love them.
These people do exist, and theyare worth making space for in
(20:38):
your life and waiting for.
Because the relationships builtfrom authenticity are far more
fulfilling than therelationships that are built on
self-sacrifice.
Remember, how other people showup is about them, and how you
show up is about you.
So keep growing, keep honoringyourself, and trust to the
people who are meant to be inyour life to walk beside you,
(21:00):
they will learn how to walk withthe version of you that's
becoming more and more yourselfevery single day.
There is so much that could beaccomplished by just listening
to a podcast, and I hope todayhas been helpful for you.
And also, there is so much morethat we can do working together
one-on-one.
I have a six-week coachingpackage designed to help you to
find your voice and create thatlasting change.
(21:20):
And the thing that I love aboutthese six-week packages is that
they give us a clear breakingpoint where we can either
separate and go our differentways, or we can continue on with
another package.
My clients love this because somany of them, they have found
themselves working with coachesor therapists with no clear end
goal in sight, and because ofthat, it's really unclear when
to end.
And so it's been such a relieffor my recovering people
(21:42):
pleasers to know that we can sitdown and assess where they're at
every six weeks and have a cleanbreak if needed.
It has been so good for theirnervous systems.
Now, I do limited hours forsummer, but just imagine it...
not only making this your hotgirl summer, but making this
your self-worth summer.
Your next step is to simply booka clarity call with me and see
(22:03):
if we might be a good fit.
This is a low-pressure call, andI only do a couple of these per
week, so click the link in theshow notes and let's chat.
This is a free and powerfulthirty-minute call where I help
you to gain clarity around whatone small change could have the
biggest impact on your life.
And if at the end of that call,if you would like to learn more
about working with me, great.
And if not, no worries.
(22:24):
I hope to still offer you somevalue on that call.
All right, well, here's to aweek of creating more peace and
balance, and I'll see you nexttime.
Bye now.
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