Empathy, Boundaries, and Self-Abandonment: How to Know When Helping Others Is Hurting You
If you're an empath, highly sensitive person, or recovering people-pleaser, helping others probably comes naturally to you. You can feel what others are going through, understand their struggles, and often step in before anyone even asks for help.
While empathy is a beautiful gift, there comes a point when helping others can cross the line into self-abandonment.
In this episode, we're exploring how to tell the difference between genuine kindness and self-sacrifice that comes at your own expense. You'll learn how to recognize when your empathy is causing you to neglect your own needs, and how to create healthier boundaries that allow you to support others without burning yourself out.
If you've ever found yourself exhausted, resentful, or wondering why everyone else's needs seem to come before your own, this episode is for you.
What You'll Learn
- The difference between being helpful and self-abandoning
- Why empathy without boundaries often leads to self abandonment
- How to identify what you're sacrificing every time you say yes
- The hidden cost of struggling to receive support from others
- Questions to ask yourself before agreeing to help someone
- How to make your kindness more sustainable
- Why identifying your own needs is essential for healthy relationships
- Common signs that your helpfulness has crossed into self-abandonment
- How to create more balance, reciprocity, and self-trust in your relationships
Key Takeaway
Your empathy is not the problem.
The problem arises when your compassion for others consistently outweighs your compassion for yourself.
Healthy relationships require both giving and receiving. Learning to honor your own needs doesn't make you selfish—it makes your support more sustainable and your relationships more balanced.
Challenge for the Week
The next time someone asks for your help, pause before answering.
Ask yourself:
What would I be saying no to in my own life if I say yes to this request?
Then check in with what you need in order to make your support sustainable. You may decide to say yes, say no, or set a boundary that allows you to help without abandoning yourself.
Notice what happens when you give yourself permission to matter too.
Ready to Stop Self-Abandoning?
Join my FREE 7-Day Stop Self-Abandonment Challenge.
Each day you'll receive a simple email with a reflection, exercise, or journaling prompt designed to help you rebuild self-trust, strengthen your boundaries, and reconnect with yourself.
Small shifts create lasting change—and sometimes transformation begins with a single new thought.
Click here to join the challenge! https://maryannwalker-life.kit.com/cdf81f07e6
Want to learn more?
Visit https://maryannwalker.life/ to learn more about coaching opportunities and resources designed specifically for empaths, highly sensitive people, and recovering people-pleasers.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 9 (00:42):
Well, hello and welcome back.
How's everybody doing?
How's your summer going?
I just wanted to start off todaywith just expressing gratitude.
I know that so many of you havebeen listening since the
beginning, and now there's wellover 200 episodes, and I am just
so grateful that you've chosento invest so much time and
energy, not only into listeningto me, of course, but also into
(01:03):
your own personal wellbeing.
So thank you so much for that.
Also, I know there are so manypeople that are new here, and I
also wanna thank you for, forjust showing up, for giving
yourself that time and thatenergy.
So I just think it's amazingthat you are here, so thank you
so much.
Now, today we're going to betalking about empathy,
boundaries, and self-abandonmentbecause so many of my listeners,
(01:25):
they're the highly empatheticones.
They're the people that reallyfeel things deeply.
They're the people that seem tojust instantly understand all of
the second and third order ofeffects, all of the implications
that come about when somebodyloses a job or when they've lost
a partner or when their healthis failing.
And because they feel andunderstand so deeply all of
these things, then these people,my audience, they are very quick
(01:48):
to jump in and help out otherpeople with just a moment's
notice.
They're very quick to respond,and this is such an amazing and
beautiful gift.
And also, sometimes when theempathy is really high but the
boundaries are really low oreven lacking altogether, then it
might not be the kindness thatyou think it is.
Instead, it might beself-abandonment.
(02:10):
For example, let's talk aboutpeople-pleasing Pam.
Now everybody knows and lovespeople-pleasing Pam, but Pam has
become the go-to for everybodyin all walks of life.
So if somebody at work says,"Oh,hey, I have a dental appointment
that day.
Can you cover for me?" She'sgoing to feel that so deeply.
She's gonna think,"Oh, I knowexactly how it feels to have an
appointment and have to findsomebody, and oh, it's just so
(02:30):
uncomfortable asking otherpeople to help out and such an
inconvenience.
So yes, of course I will takethat on so that nobody else has
to do it." And then on anotherday, somebody's saying,"Oh, you
know what?
I have a sick kid, so can youplease take this on for me?" And
again, she feels that deeply.
"Oh, it's so hard to have a sickchild.
They probably didn't sleep verywell.
They're sleep deprived andworried about their kids and
(02:51):
trying to plan theseappointments and make
arrangements.
Of course I'll help out.
I know exactly how that feels."And then somebody else might
walk in and say,"Hey, I'm reallygoing through a hard breakup
right now and I'm really havinga hard time.
Can you help me out with thisthing?" And again, she's
thinking,"Oh, that is so hard.
I know how hard it is to be ableto think things through clearly
when you're having an emotionalupset, so of course I can be
(03:12):
there for you." And at thispoint then Pam might start to
realize that now she's said yesto a lot of things.
She may have even deprioritizedsome of her priorities in order
to make space for other people.
And now she's starting to feelreally burned out and depleted.
And yes, her heart was in theright place, but she doesn't
currently have the capacity tohelp out everybody that's asking
(03:34):
her for help right now.
So even though her empathy isreally high and her heart is
really big and it's going out toall of those people, then it's
starting to push beyond herlimits.
And I do also want toacknowledge that, yes, all of
the experiences that everybody'shaving, they're valid, and it's
okay for them to ask Pam forsupport.
And also, if Pam says yes toevery single request, then soon
(03:57):
things are gonna be shiftingfrom,"Oh, Pam is just so
helpful," to,"Oh, Pam is nowself-abandoning." So just kind
of check in with yourself aroundthat.
So today we're gonna be talkingabout five things to consider to
kind of just help you to checkin with yourself to make sure
you're not sliding into thatself-abandonment, that you're
actually showing up in love andservice to other people without
abandoning yourself.
(04:19):
So the first idea I want toexplore is the idea of really
getting clear on what would I besacrificing for myself if I say
yes to showing up for them.
Would I be sacrificing rest,family time, my personal
deadlines, my health, mypersonal peace?
Just check in with yourself andask,"What would I be giving up
for myself in order to helpthem?" Because the truth is
(04:41):
that, yes, it is okay toprioritize everybody else every
now and then, but when that'sbecome your default setting,
when that's a solid pattern foryou, is to make sure that
everybody else's wants and needsare treated as more important
than your own, then now it'sleading into self-abandonment.
Because we like to tellourselves,"No, but this is just
self-sacrifice, and it's a goodthing to self-sacrifice.
(05:02):
It's a noble thing." Butconstantly neglecting your own
needs is not self-sacrifice,it's self-abandonment.
Any time that you say yes tosomething, you are at the same
time saying no to somethingelse.
This means that if I'm sayingyes to taking somebody to their
appointment, I might at the sametime be saying no to getting my
(05:22):
errands done.
If I say yes to rearranging myschedule to accommodate somebody
else, then I may also at thesame time be saying no to what
it is that I had previouslyplanned for my day.
If I say yes to coordinating forthat fundraiser, I might be
saying no to having free timefor the next couple of weeks.
So notice what it is that youmight be saying no to and what
it is that you might be givingup in order for you to say yes
(05:44):
to this request.
And just check in with yourself,right?
Because sometimes you're goingto want to say yes.
You're gonna look at it and say,"Okay, I know what the cost is,
and I'm okay with that, so I'mstill going to say yes." If
that's the case, awesome.
Great.
But if you're checking in withyourself and realizing that,"You
know what?
I don't think that's somethingthat I can give up for myself,"
Then that's your sign to say no.
(06:05):
And listen when you get thatanswer.
Now the truth is that sometimesour answers are not super clear.
Sometimes it's not a yes or ano, but it's kind of thinking
about, okay, what is my boundaryin this moment, and do I wanna
set my boundary now, or do Iwanna set my boundary later?
For example, my 22-year-olddaughter recently asked me if I
could pick her up from theairport.
(06:26):
She has a midnight flight.
It's the cheapest.
She's gonna be coming in on thered-eye, and she asked me if I
would be able to pick her up atthe airport.
And I know that if I say yes topicking her up from the airport,
I am going to be saying no toquality sleep that night.
I'm not going to be getting asmuch sleep as I need.
But I also really wanna see mydaughter.
I'm okay with picking her up.
I want to know that she is safe.
(06:47):
I would rather that I be thedriver than an Uber driver.
We're like an hour and a halfaway from the airport.
I just think it would be fun tovisit and hear about her trip
firsthand and be the first onethat she sees when she gets
home.
And so there's a lot of reasonswhy I'm okay with saying yes to
her request.
But knowing that I'm also goingto be saying no to sleep in
order to fulfill her request,then I can check in with myself.
So I might say,"Okay, yes, I amfree to pick her up from the
(07:08):
airport that night.
That's fine.
I can say yes to that." Andalso, knowing that I'm going to
be sacrificing sleep, then I canhave that self-compassion and
state boundaries with myselflater that, okay, I need to set
boundaries and dedicate sometime later to intentionally
getting sleep the next day.
I need to be kind to myself.
I cannot just go into this withthe expectation that I'm gonna
(07:29):
magically bounce back like my22-year-old daughter, right?
So I can have thatself-compassion that, yes, I can
clear my calendar for mydaughter, and I'm going to also
need to build in some time forme so that I can get some
quality sleep and say yes to herrequest.
So yeah, sometimes it's not assimple as yes and no, but it's
thinking through, okay, what amI going to need for myself in
(07:49):
order to say yes?
How can I plan ahead for myselfso that I can say yes with
minimizing any negativerepercussions?
It's recognizing that I am notgoing to abandon myself by
saying yes to somebody else, butI'm going to also accommodate me
and my needs.
A friend of mine recentlyresponded to my Instagram story
(08:10):
about this very thing, and shetold me that when she was
attending grad school, then shemade a decision to kind of
approach her social life likethis.
And so when she was invited togo and do something, she would
take some time to ask herself,"Okay, do I have time to recover
from this?" And if she said,"Yes, I will have time to
recover from this," thenawesome, she could say yes.
But if she didn't have time torecover from this event, then
(08:33):
she gave herself permission tosay no and to allow somebody
else to be disappointed so thatshe could maintain herself at
the level that she needed to inorder to really thrive in grad
school.
So check in with yourself, seewhat it is that you need, and
have boundaries.
You can either have boundariesat the front end and tell them
no up front, or you can haveboundaries on the back end
around your recovery time, okay?
(08:55):
Just check in with yourself.
All right.
Another thing to consider is areyou someone who is able to
receive as easily as you give?
Because for many, many peoplepleasers, then they really
struggle to receive.
And struggling to receive, itsounds really altruistic on the
surface, right?
It sounds like,"Well, I don'twant to be a burden.
My needs aren't that important.
It's no big deal.
(09:15):
That's okay.
I can do that." But these reallysneaky sentences, while they
sound good on the surface,they're actually creating a lot
of imbalance for you personally.
And not only because now you'rethe only one giving in a
relationship, but now it's kindof looking like now you're
overgiving and they'reundergiving'cause you're not
giving them an opportunity togive to you.
But yeah, they no longer have anopportunity.
(09:35):
You've taken that away from themto show them that they are
actually there to love and serveyou as well.
You've essentially robbedyourself of the opportunity of
receiving and having things bemore stable and more sustainable
for you.
And when you do this, you arecreating your own imbalance.
Another thing that people tellme is,"But if I do receive from
them, then I'm going to beindebted to them, and I don't
(09:58):
wanna be indebted." But beingindebted, it could possibly just
be a lie that your brain istelling you.
More than likely, you are herelistening to this podcast
because you're an overgiver.
You do a lot for other people.
So no, you are not indebted tothem when they're finally
investing in you, when you makea request to have something
coming back in for you.
(10:19):
This is not you being indebtedto them.
This is you restoring balance tothe relationship.
And by extension, this meansthat when you're not receiving
in relationship, when you're notmaking requests, when you're not
letting on that you also haveneeds in relationship, you are
actually creating imbalance foryourself in that relationship.
So practice minimizing burnoutand imbalance for yourself by
(10:42):
becoming a gracious receiver, bybecoming more proactive about
making things more sustainablefor you.
Watch out for that sneaky trapof,"Oh, but I don't wanna be a
burden.
I don't wanna be indebted tothem," and instead practice
making requests for what it isthat you need in relationship if
you're starting to notice that,okay, I think that there's an
imbalance here.
It is your responsibility tomake requests in relationships
(11:05):
in order to restore thatbalance.
Over-givers are often the onesthat really struggle the most
with receiving.
They have this belief that,"ButI gotta show them that I'm
worthy of love.
I gotta demonstrate my worth.
I gotta show people that I havethings to offer them so that
they'll actually be in arelationship with me." But then
they kind of take it as apersonal fault if they also have
(11:27):
a need in a relationship.
They want to prove that otherpeople need them, but they also
wanna prove that they don't haveneeds themselves, and that is
just simply not a sustainableway of living.
So practice receiving.
Practice receiving in big waysand in small ways.
Practice saying,"Thank you,"instead of,"Oh, let me do this
for you." Practice making smallrequests in a relationship.
(11:47):
Practice receiving because ittruly does benefit you and the
relationship.
It makes your level of lovingand serving more sustainable for
you, and that only benefits therelationship.
All right, number three.
Before saying yes, pause longenough to ask yourself what it
is that you might need.
And I get it, that when theempathy is really, really loud,
(12:09):
it can feel like,"Okay, butreally, I get it.
My needs are not that big of adeal.
Their needs are so much greaterthan mine," right?
We think,"No, no, no, theirneeds are so great.
I feel it so deeply.
I know how much this would meanto them." But I want you to just
pause for a moment and thinkabout, again, what you would be
saying no to if you say yes tothis.
So for example, maybe your heartreally wants to say,"Oh, I know
(12:30):
that you're really strugglingand you're really in grief right
now, so I'm going to bring youdinner every night for the next
month." And that's because yourheart is in such a good place,
right?
But then later when you reallythink about it, you might
realize that, okay, even thoughthat's what my heart wants to
do, that might not besustainable for me.
That might be a lot of pressureon me and my time and on my
wallet, so that might not workfor me.
(12:51):
So maybe instead, in order tomake it more sustainable for
you, then you plan to bring themdinner maybe once a week for a
little while.
Or maybe you want to start ameal train so that other people
can also help out and it's notall on your shoulders.
Or maybe you're willing to watchtheir kids, but it would be
really helpful if they wouldalso send a pizza over when
their kids come over so that youhave one less thing to worry
about.
(13:12):
Or maybe you're really willingto host for this event, but you
also wanna make sure thatsomebody else is gonna host next
time because you're starting toget burned out from hosting.
Or maybe you do currently havethe capacity to take on that
project at work, but you wouldalso like to make request for
some comp time since you knowthat you're going to be working
late and putting in overtime.
Maybe you're the caregiver for afamily member, and you're happy
(13:33):
to do it.
You're so happy to be there.
And also, you know deep downthat if you could just have one
day off per week to get yourerrands done, to focus on you,
it would really help you to showup better for this family
member.
It's okay for you to makearrangements to get one day a
week off.
The tendency of thepathologically kind is to jump
(13:54):
in before really thinkingthrough what it is that we might
need in order to make it moresustainable.
We don't even recognize that wemight even have a need until
it's too late, and then at thatpoint, resentment has already
stepped in.
So practice asking yourself,"What is the most sustainable
way that I might be able tofulfill this request?" And let
me say that again.
"What is the most sustainableway that I might be able to
(14:15):
fulfill this request?
How can I make this moresustainable for me?
What are my personal limits?
Practice introducing boundarieswith your empathy to help you to
minimize that self-abandonment.
Because making your level ofloving and serving more
sustainable for you, again, itis an absolute gift to everyone.
(14:36):
All right.
Number four, practiceidentifying your own needs in
the moment rather thanimmediately making everybody
else's needs the priority.
I know you.
You're probably constantlyscanning the room.
You're making sure thateverybody's doing okay.
You're reading into theirmicroexpressions.
You're reading into their bodylanguage.
You're reading into their toneof voice, the inflection of
their words, the actual wordsthey're using...
(14:56):
and sometimes because you're sotuned in to reading other
people, then yes, you're turningup the volume in what it is that
they're experiencing, but you'realso at the same time turning
down the volume on your ownlived experience, on your own
needs, on your own wants, andyou're becoming detached from
what it is that you actuallyneed.
So practice asking yourself,"What might help me to feel just
(15:19):
a little bit better here?" Now,I remember one time when I was
hiking with a friend, and whenwe got back off of the trail and
were down in the parking lot,then she started stretching her
calves.
And it wasn't until I saw hermeeting the needs of her body
that I recognized my own bodycould also use some stretching.
And I thought,"Boy, I sure wishthat I could stretch my calves."
(15:40):
And it was kind of a laughablethought in the moment because, I
had been so conditioned to tuneinto what everybody else might
need that I hadn't even checkedin with my own body.
And it was in that moment when Irecognized that thought that I
realized,"Girl, you can totallystretch your own calves." So I
put my foot up on the curb, andI started stretching in the same
way.
And I thought,"Oh, that doesfeel so much better." And guess
(16:00):
what?
You can practice doing the samething.
In that moment, I was completelydetached from my own body until
I saw someone else taking careof their body.
And so this might sound a littlebit extreme, but if this is you,
if this resonates with you,where you feel so detached from
what it is that you might need,I encourage you to just set a
timer, and every time the timergoes off, just do a bit of a
(16:20):
body scan.
Notice what's happening for you.
Check in with your body.
Ask yourself,"What is it that Imight need, and how can I
fulfill that need for myself?"So let's kind of do a mini
practice on this right now andjust do exactly that.
All right?
So check in with yourself.
Notice if there's any part ofyou that is maybe feeling
particularly tight orparticularly uncomfortable.
As I'm saying that, I notice mybody wants to move a little bit.
(16:43):
So ask yourself,"Okay, what isneeded, and how can I fulfill
that need for myself?" So forexample, do you need to stretch?
Do you need to move your body alittle bit?
Do you need to rest your body?
Do you need to get off screensand be in nature for a while?
Maybe you need to rub a part ofyour body to help it to relax.
Maybe you need a drink.
Are you too hot?
Are you too cold?
Just check in with yourself andask yourself,"Okay, what is one
(17:06):
thing that I could do for myselfright now in order to improve my
own personal well-being?" Andthen fulfill that need.
You have become very attuned toother people, and that is an
absolutely beautiful gift.
And the practice now is learningto become equally as attuned to
yourself.
And this won't only make iteasier for you to identify and
(17:26):
fulfill your own needs, but thenwhen you start to actually think
about what it is that you needand what feels good to you, it
becomes so much easier for youto make a request when somebody
says,"Hey, what can I do foryou?" There are people that want
to be in balanced relationshipswith you.
They want to know what it isthat you need.
They want to be able to show upfor you.
And creating that space for youto actually think about what it
is that you need, it is going tomake it so much easier for you
(17:48):
to offer up an answer when theywant to know how to show up for
you One of my clients wanted tocelebrate a win with me on our
last call.
She has been struggling in hermarriage, and she was in need of
some reassurance from a friend.
So when she sat down with herfriend to talk about her
marriage, then she offered up,"You know what?
What I actually really needright now is reassurance.
I just need some reassurancethat I'm smart and that I'm
(18:10):
capable and that I can workthrough this." And because she
had made a clear request aboutwhat it was that she needed in
that moment, then her friend wasable to show up and offer her
exactly what it was that sheasked for.
I think that you will genuinelybe surprised how many people
want to meet your needs oncethey know what they actually
are.
So practice identifying your ownneeds.
(18:30):
Practice meeting your own needs.
Because meeting your own needs,that is the opposite of
self-abandonment, and it isamazing how much better you can
actually feel when you take thattime for yourself.
All right, so number five (18:42):
take some time to just reflect on
your own life.
Specifically, tune into,"What ismy first clue that my
helpfulness has now crossed aline into self-abandonment?"
Now, these signs, they aredifferent for everybody, and it
can be different for everyrelationship.
But start to check in withyourself and notice,"Okay, are
(19:03):
there signs that I'm currentlyself-abandoning?" And see if
those signs exist.
So a few signs that you might beself-abandoning are fatigue.
This one is a big one, and thismight be physical fatigue, or it
might be mental or emotionalfatigue, but fatigue is a big
one.
And again, this might be inspecific relationships that it's
showing up.
It might be across the board.
Just check in with yourself andsee if you're experiencing that.
(19:25):
Resentment is another big one.
Resentment is there to let usknow that something is out of
balance or that you have anunmet need.
So notice if resentment isshowing up for you.
Maybe it's wishing that yourneeds could also be met in
relationship.
So if you catch yourselfthinking things like,"Ugh, I
just wish I could stretch mycalves," then remind yourself
that, guess what?
(19:45):
You can totally stretch yourcalves.
It's 100% okay to do so.
You do not have to wait to begiven permission to get your
needs met.
It's okay to get your needs mettoo in relationship, and it's
okay to tell people what it isthat you need, to tell people
that you're in need ofreassurance, to tell people that
you're in need of just alistening ear and please don't
say anything.
I just need to feel heard.
It's okay to tell people what itis that you need in that moment.
(20:06):
Another sign that you might beself-abandoning is feeling
really irritable with otherpeople.
This can be a sign that yourbattery is running low and that
it is time for a breather orthat it is time to make a
request in relationship in orderto get your needs met, in order
to help your battery to becomerecharged so that you can keep
functioning.
Your empathy is not the problem.
(20:27):
But having empathy withoutboundaries, it is a form of
self-abandonment.
Now, if you are ready to stopself-abandoning, if you're ready
to stop people-pleasing, ifyou're ready to start living for
you, then I want to personallyinvite you to join my free
seven-day challenge.
This is a seven-day emailchallenge intended to help you
to rebuild self-trust and stopabandoning yourself.
(20:48):
Every single day for a week,you'll be getting an email sent
straight to your inbox sharingone tip or one journaling prompt
intended to help you to makesmall changes that can have a
huge and lasting impact.
Lasting change, it truly can bejust as quick as a thought away.
So click the link in the shownotes and come and check it out,
and I look forward to seeing youinside.
All right, I hope you have agreat week, and let's talk soon.
Bye now
Well, hello and welcome back.
How's everybody doing?
How's your summer going?
I just wanted to start off todaywith just expressing gratitude.
I know that so many of you havebeen listening since the
beginning, and now there's wellover 200 episodes, and I am just
so grateful that you've chosento invest so much time and
energy, not only into listeningto me, of course, but also into
(01:03):
your own personal wellbeing.
So thank you so much for that.
Also, I know there are so manypeople that are new here, and I
also wanna thank you for, forjust showing up, for giving
yourself that time and thatenergy.
So I just think it's amazingthat you are here, so thank you
so much.
Now, today we're going to betalking about empathy,
boundaries, and self-abandonmentbecause so many of my listeners,
(01:25):
they're the highly empatheticones.
They're the people that reallyfeel things deeply.
They're the people that seem tojust instantly understand all of
the second and third order ofeffects, all of the implications
that come about when somebodyloses a job or when they've lost
a partner or when their healthis failing.
And because they feel andunderstand so deeply all of
these things, then these people,my audience, they are very quick
(01:48):
to jump in and help out otherpeople with just a moment's
notice.
They're very quick to respond,and this is such an amazing and
beautiful gift.
And also, sometimes when theempathy is really high but the
boundaries are really low oreven lacking altogether, then it
might not be the kindness thatyou think it is.
Instead, it might beself-abandonment.
(02:10):
For example, let's talk aboutpeople-pleasing Pam.
Now everybody knows and lovespeople-pleasing Pam, but Pam has
become the go-to for everybodyin all walks of life.
So if somebody at work says,"Oh,hey, I have a dental appointment
that day.
Can you cover for me?" She'sgoing to feel that so deeply.
She's gonna think,"Oh, I knowexactly how it feels to have an
appointment and have to findsomebody, and oh, it's just so
(02:30):
uncomfortable asking otherpeople to help out and such an
inconvenience.
So yes, of course I will takethat on so that nobody else has
to do it." And then on anotherday, somebody's saying,"Oh, you
know what?
I have a sick kid, so can youplease take this on for me?" And
again, she feels that deeply.
"Oh, it's so hard to have a sickchild.
They probably didn't sleep verywell.
They're sleep deprived andworried about their kids and
(02:51):
trying to plan theseappointments and make
arrangements.
Of course I'll help out.
I know exactly how that feels."And then somebody else might
walk in and say,"Hey, I'm reallygoing through a hard breakup
right now and I'm really havinga hard time.
Can you help me out with thisthing?" And again, she's
thinking,"Oh, that is so hard.
I know how hard it is to be ableto think things through clearly
when you're having an emotionalupset, so of course I can be
(03:12):
there for you." And at thispoint then Pam might start to
realize that now she's said yesto a lot of things.
She may have even deprioritizedsome of her priorities in order
to make space for other people.
And now she's starting to feelreally burned out and depleted.
And yes, her heart was in theright place, but she doesn't
currently have the capacity tohelp out everybody that's asking
(03:34):
her for help right now.
So even though her empathy isreally high and her heart is
really big and it's going out toall of those people, then it's
starting to push beyond herlimits.
And I do also want toacknowledge that, yes, all of
the experiences that everybody'shaving, they're valid, and it's
okay for them to ask Pam forsupport.
And also, if Pam says yes toevery single request, then soon
(03:57):
things are gonna be shiftingfrom,"Oh, Pam is just so
helpful," to,"Oh, Pam is nowself-abandoning." So just kind
of check in with yourself aroundthat.
So today we're gonna be talkingabout five things to consider to
kind of just help you to checkin with yourself to make sure
you're not sliding into thatself-abandonment, that you're
actually showing up in love andservice to other people without
abandoning yourself.
(04:19):
So the first idea I want toexplore is the idea of really
getting clear on what would I besacrificing for myself if I say
yes to showing up for them.
Would I be sacrificing rest,family time, my personal
deadlines, my health, mypersonal peace?
Just check in with yourself andask,"What would I be giving up
for myself in order to helpthem?" Because the truth is
(04:41):
that, yes, it is okay toprioritize everybody else every
now and then, but when that'sbecome your default setting,
when that's a solid pattern foryou, is to make sure that
everybody else's wants and needsare treated as more important
than your own, then now it'sleading into self-abandonment.
Because we like to tellourselves,"No, but this is just
self-sacrifice, and it's a goodthing to self-sacrifice.
(05:02):
It's a noble thing." Butconstantly neglecting your own
needs is not self-sacrifice,it's self-abandonment.
Any time that you say yes tosomething, you are at the same
time saying no to somethingelse.
This means that if I'm sayingyes to taking somebody to their
appointment, I might at the sametime be saying no to getting my
(05:22):
errands done.
If I say yes to rearranging myschedule to accommodate somebody
else, then I may also at thesame time be saying no to what
it is that I had previouslyplanned for my day.
If I say yes to coordinating forthat fundraiser, I might be
saying no to having free timefor the next couple of weeks.
So notice what it is that youmight be saying no to and what
it is that you might be givingup in order for you to say yes
(05:44):
to this request.
And just check in with yourself,right?
Because sometimes you're goingto want to say yes.
You're gonna look at it and say,"Okay, I know what the cost is,
and I'm okay with that, so I'mstill going to say yes." If
that's the case, awesome.
Great.
But if you're checking in withyourself and realizing that,"You
know what?
I don't think that's somethingthat I can give up for myself,"
Then that's your sign to say no.
(06:05):
And listen when you get thatanswer.
Now the truth is that sometimesour answers are not super clear.
Sometimes it's not a yes or ano, but it's kind of thinking
about, okay, what is my boundaryin this moment, and do I wanna
set my boundary now, or do Iwanna set my boundary later?
For example, my 22-year-olddaughter recently asked me if I
could pick her up from theairport.
(06:26):
She has a midnight flight.
It's the cheapest.
She's gonna be coming in on thered-eye, and she asked me if I
would be able to pick her up atthe airport.
And I know that if I say yes topicking her up from the airport,
I am going to be saying no toquality sleep that night.
I'm not going to be getting asmuch sleep as I need.
But I also really wanna see mydaughter.
I'm okay with picking her up.
I want to know that she is safe.
(06:47):
I would rather that I be thedriver than an Uber driver.
We're like an hour and a halfaway from the airport.
I just think it would be fun tovisit and hear about her trip
firsthand and be the first onethat she sees when she gets
home.
And so there's a lot of reasonswhy I'm okay with saying yes to
her request.
But knowing that I'm also goingto be saying no to sleep in
order to fulfill her request,then I can check in with myself.
So I might say,"Okay, yes, I amfree to pick her up from the
(07:08):
airport that night.
That's fine.
I can say yes to that." Andalso, knowing that I'm going to
be sacrificing sleep, then I canhave that self-compassion and
state boundaries with myselflater that, okay, I need to set
boundaries and dedicate sometime later to intentionally
getting sleep the next day.
I need to be kind to myself.
I cannot just go into this withthe expectation that I'm gonna
(07:29):
magically bounce back like my22-year-old daughter, right?
So I can have thatself-compassion that, yes, I can
clear my calendar for mydaughter, and I'm going to also
need to build in some time forme so that I can get some
quality sleep and say yes to herrequest.
So yeah, sometimes it's not assimple as yes and no, but it's
thinking through, okay, what amI going to need for myself in
(07:49):
order to say yes?
How can I plan ahead for myselfso that I can say yes with
minimizing any negativerepercussions?
It's recognizing that I am notgoing to abandon myself by
saying yes to somebody else, butI'm going to also accommodate me
and my needs.
A friend of mine recentlyresponded to my Instagram story
(08:10):
about this very thing, and shetold me that when she was
attending grad school, then shemade a decision to kind of
approach her social life likethis.
And so when she was invited togo and do something, she would
take some time to ask herself,"Okay, do I have time to recover
from this?" And if she said,"Yes, I will have time to
recover from this," thenawesome, she could say yes.
But if she didn't have time torecover from this event, then
(08:33):
she gave herself permission tosay no and to allow somebody
else to be disappointed so thatshe could maintain herself at
the level that she needed to inorder to really thrive in grad
school.
So check in with yourself, seewhat it is that you need, and
have boundaries.
You can either have boundariesat the front end and tell them
no up front, or you can haveboundaries on the back end
around your recovery time, okay?
(08:55):
Just check in with yourself.
All right.
Another thing to consider is areyou someone who is able to
receive as easily as you give?
Because for many, many peoplepleasers, then they really
struggle to receive.
And struggling to receive, itsounds really altruistic on the
surface, right?
It sounds like,"Well, I don'twant to be a burden.
My needs aren't that important.
It's no big deal.
(09:15):
That's okay.
I can do that." But these reallysneaky sentences, while they
sound good on the surface,they're actually creating a lot
of imbalance for you personally.
And not only because now you'rethe only one giving in a
relationship, but now it's kindof looking like now you're
overgiving and they'reundergiving'cause you're not
giving them an opportunity togive to you.
But yeah, they no longer have anopportunity.
(09:35):
You've taken that away from themto show them that they are
actually there to love and serveyou as well.
You've essentially robbedyourself of the opportunity of
receiving and having things bemore stable and more sustainable
for you.
And when you do this, you arecreating your own imbalance.
Another thing that people tellme is,"But if I do receive from
them, then I'm going to beindebted to them, and I don't
(09:58):
wanna be indebted." But beingindebted, it could possibly just
be a lie that your brain istelling you.
More than likely, you are herelistening to this podcast
because you're an overgiver.
You do a lot for other people.
So no, you are not indebted tothem when they're finally
investing in you, when you makea request to have something
coming back in for you.
(10:19):
This is not you being indebtedto them.
This is you restoring balance tothe relationship.
And by extension, this meansthat when you're not receiving
in relationship, when you're notmaking requests, when you're not
letting on that you also haveneeds in relationship, you are
actually creating imbalance foryourself in that relationship.
So practice minimizing burnoutand imbalance for yourself by
(10:42):
becoming a gracious receiver, bybecoming more proactive about
making things more sustainablefor you.
Watch out for that sneaky trapof,"Oh, but I don't wanna be a
burden.
I don't wanna be indebted tothem," and instead practice
making requests for what it isthat you need in relationship if
you're starting to notice that,okay, I think that there's an
imbalance here.
It is your responsibility tomake requests in relationships
(11:05):
in order to restore thatbalance.
Over-givers are often the onesthat really struggle the most
with receiving.
They have this belief that,"ButI gotta show them that I'm
worthy of love.
I gotta demonstrate my worth.
I gotta show people that I havethings to offer them so that
they'll actually be in arelationship with me." But then
they kind of take it as apersonal fault if they also have
(11:27):
a need in a relationship.
They want to prove that otherpeople need them, but they also
wanna prove that they don't haveneeds themselves, and that is
just simply not a sustainableway of living.
So practice receiving.
Practice receiving in big waysand in small ways.
Practice saying,"Thank you,"instead of,"Oh, let me do this
for you." Practice making smallrequests in a relationship.
(11:47):
Practice receiving because ittruly does benefit you and the
relationship.
It makes your level of lovingand serving more sustainable for
you, and that only benefits therelationship.
All right, number three.
Before saying yes, pause longenough to ask yourself what it
is that you might need.
And I get it, that when theempathy is really, really loud,
(12:09):
it can feel like,"Okay, butreally, I get it.
My needs are not that big of adeal.
Their needs are so much greaterthan mine," right?
We think,"No, no, no, theirneeds are so great.
I feel it so deeply.
I know how much this would meanto them." But I want you to just
pause for a moment and thinkabout, again, what you would be
saying no to if you say yes tothis.
So for example, maybe your heartreally wants to say,"Oh, I know
(12:30):
that you're really strugglingand you're really in grief right
now, so I'm going to bring youdinner every night for the next
month." And that's because yourheart is in such a good place,
right?
But then later when you reallythink about it, you might
realize that, okay, even thoughthat's what my heart wants to
do, that might not besustainable for me.
That might be a lot of pressureon me and my time and on my
wallet, so that might not workfor me.
(12:51):
So maybe instead, in order tomake it more sustainable for
you, then you plan to bring themdinner maybe once a week for a
little while.
Or maybe you want to start ameal train so that other people
can also help out and it's notall on your shoulders.
Or maybe you're willing to watchtheir kids, but it would be
really helpful if they wouldalso send a pizza over when
their kids come over so that youhave one less thing to worry
about.
(13:12):
Or maybe you're really willingto host for this event, but you
also wanna make sure thatsomebody else is gonna host next
time because you're starting toget burned out from hosting.
Or maybe you do currently havethe capacity to take on that
project at work, but you wouldalso like to make request for
some comp time since you knowthat you're going to be working
late and putting in overtime.
Maybe you're the caregiver for afamily member, and you're happy
(13:33):
to do it.
You're so happy to be there.
And also, you know deep downthat if you could just have one
day off per week to get yourerrands done, to focus on you,
it would really help you to showup better for this family
member.
It's okay for you to makearrangements to get one day a
week off.
The tendency of thepathologically kind is to jump
(13:54):
in before really thinkingthrough what it is that we might
need in order to make it moresustainable.
We don't even recognize that wemight even have a need until
it's too late, and then at thatpoint, resentment has already
stepped in.
So practice asking yourself,"What is the most sustainable
way that I might be able tofulfill this request?" And let
me say that again.
"What is the most sustainableway that I might be able to
(14:15):
fulfill this request?
How can I make this moresustainable for me?
What are my personal limits?
Practice introducing boundarieswith your empathy to help you to
minimize that self-abandonment.
Because making your level ofloving and serving more
sustainable for you, again, itis an absolute gift to everyone.
(14:36):
All right.
Number four, practiceidentifying your own needs in
the moment rather thanimmediately making everybody
else's needs the priority.
I know you.
You're probably constantlyscanning the room.
You're making sure thateverybody's doing okay.
You're reading into theirmicroexpressions.
You're reading into their bodylanguage.
You're reading into their toneof voice, the inflection of
their words, the actual wordsthey're using...
(14:56):
and sometimes because you're sotuned in to reading other
people, then yes, you're turningup the volume in what it is that
they're experiencing, but you'realso at the same time turning
down the volume on your ownlived experience, on your own
needs, on your own wants, andyou're becoming detached from
what it is that you actuallyneed.
So practice asking yourself,"What might help me to feel just
(15:19):
a little bit better here?" Now,I remember one time when I was
hiking with a friend, and whenwe got back off of the trail and
were down in the parking lot,then she started stretching her
calves.
And it wasn't until I saw hermeeting the needs of her body
that I recognized my own bodycould also use some stretching.
And I thought,"Boy, I sure wishthat I could stretch my calves."
(15:40):
And it was kind of a laughablethought in the moment because, I
had been so conditioned to tuneinto what everybody else might
need that I hadn't even checkedin with my own body.
And it was in that moment when Irecognized that thought that I
realized,"Girl, you can totallystretch your own calves." So I
put my foot up on the curb, andI started stretching in the same
way.
And I thought,"Oh, that doesfeel so much better." And guess
(16:00):
what?
You can practice doing the samething.
In that moment, I was completelydetached from my own body until
I saw someone else taking careof their body.
And so this might sound a littlebit extreme, but if this is you,
if this resonates with you,where you feel so detached from
what it is that you might need,I encourage you to just set a
timer, and every time the timergoes off, just do a bit of a
(16:20):
body scan.
Notice what's happening for you.
Check in with your body.
Ask yourself,"What is it that Imight need, and how can I
fulfill that need for myself?"So let's kind of do a mini
practice on this right now andjust do exactly that.
All right?
So check in with yourself.
Notice if there's any part ofyou that is maybe feeling
particularly tight orparticularly uncomfortable.
As I'm saying that, I notice mybody wants to move a little bit.
(16:43):
So ask yourself,"Okay, what isneeded, and how can I fulfill
that need for myself?" So forexample, do you need to stretch?
Do you need to move your body alittle bit?
Do you need to rest your body?
Do you need to get off screensand be in nature for a while?
Maybe you need to rub a part ofyour body to help it to relax.
Maybe you need a drink.
Are you too hot?
Are you too cold?
Just check in with yourself andask yourself,"Okay, what is one
(17:06):
thing that I could do for myselfright now in order to improve my
own personal well-being?" Andthen fulfill that need.
You have become very attuned toother people, and that is an
absolutely beautiful gift.
And the practice now is learningto become equally as attuned to
yourself.
And this won't only make iteasier for you to identify and
(17:26):
fulfill your own needs, but thenwhen you start to actually think
about what it is that you needand what feels good to you, it
becomes so much easier for youto make a request when somebody
says,"Hey, what can I do foryou?" There are people that want
to be in balanced relationshipswith you.
They want to know what it isthat you need.
They want to be able to show upfor you.
And creating that space for youto actually think about what it
is that you need, it is going tomake it so much easier for you
(17:48):
to offer up an answer when theywant to know how to show up for
you One of my clients wanted tocelebrate a win with me on our
last call.
She has been struggling in hermarriage, and she was in need of
some reassurance from a friend.
So when she sat down with herfriend to talk about her
marriage, then she offered up,"You know what?
What I actually really needright now is reassurance.
I just need some reassurancethat I'm smart and that I'm
(18:10):
capable and that I can workthrough this." And because she
had made a clear request aboutwhat it was that she needed in
that moment, then her friend wasable to show up and offer her
exactly what it was that sheasked for.
I think that you will genuinelybe surprised how many people
want to meet your needs oncethey know what they actually
are.
So practice identifying your ownneeds.
(18:30):
Practice meeting your own needs.
Because meeting your own needs,that is the opposite of
self-abandonment, and it isamazing how much better you can
actually feel when you take thattime for yourself.
All right, so number five (18:42):
take some time to just reflect on
your own life.
Specifically, tune into,"What ismy first clue that my
helpfulness has now crossed aline into self-abandonment?"
Now, these signs, they aredifferent for everybody, and it
can be different for everyrelationship.
But start to check in withyourself and notice,"Okay, are
(19:03):
there signs that I'm currentlyself-abandoning?" And see if
those signs exist.
So a few signs that you might beself-abandoning are fatigue.
This one is a big one, and thismight be physical fatigue, or it
might be mental or emotionalfatigue, but fatigue is a big
one.
And again, this might be inspecific relationships that it's
showing up.
It might be across the board.
Just check in with yourself andsee if you're experiencing that.
(19:25):
Resentment is another big one.
Resentment is there to let usknow that something is out of
balance or that you have anunmet need.
So notice if resentment isshowing up for you.
Maybe it's wishing that yourneeds could also be met in
relationship.
So if you catch yourselfthinking things like,"Ugh, I
just wish I could stretch mycalves," then remind yourself
that, guess what?
(19:45):
You can totally stretch yourcalves.
It's 100% okay to do so.
You do not have to wait to begiven permission to get your
needs met.
It's okay to get your needs mettoo in relationship, and it's
okay to tell people what it isthat you need, to tell people
that you're in need ofreassurance, to tell people that
you're in need of just alistening ear and please don't
say anything.
I just need to feel heard.
It's okay to tell people what itis that you need in that moment.
(20:06):
Another sign that you might beself-abandoning is feeling
really irritable with otherpeople.
This can be a sign that yourbattery is running low and that
it is time for a breather orthat it is time to make a
request in relationship in orderto get your needs met, in order
to help your battery to becomerecharged so that you can keep
functioning.
Your empathy is not the problem.
(20:27):
But having empathy withoutboundaries, it is a form of
self-abandonment.
Now, if you are ready to stopself-abandoning, if you're ready
to stop people-pleasing, ifyou're ready to start living for
you, then I want to personallyinvite you to join my free
seven-day challenge.
This is a seven-day emailchallenge intended to help you
to rebuild self-trust and stopabandoning yourself.
(20:48):
Every single day for a week,you'll be getting an email sent
straight to your inbox sharingone tip or one journaling prompt
intended to help you to makesmall changes that can have a
huge and lasting impact.
Lasting change, it truly can bejust as quick as a thought away.
So click the link in the shownotes and come and check it out,
and I look forward to seeing youinside.
All right, I hope you have agreat week, and let's talk soon.
Bye now
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