July 2, 2026 • 17 mins
The Two Hidden Beliefs Keeping People Pleasers Stuck
Do you constantly feel responsible for everyone else's happiness? Do you struggle to ask for help, set boundaries, or admit that you have needs too?
If so, you may be operating from two unconscious beliefs that quietly shape your relationships—and keep you trapped in burnout, resentment, and self-abandonment.
In this episode of Inner Work with MaryAnn Walker, we're exploring the two core beliefs that drive people pleasing, why they develop, and how they create unhealthy relationship dynamics rooted in fear rather than authentic connection.
You'll also learn healthier beliefs to practice so you can experience more balanced, reciprocal relationships without abandoning yourself in the process.
In This Episode You'll Learn:
- The fear of abandonment that fuels people pleasing
- Why many people pleasers confuse being needed with being loved
- How over-functioning creates dependency instead of healthy connection
- The hidden cost of believing "I don't have needs"
- Why pretending you're "fine" leads to burnout and resentment
- How self-abandonment prevents genuine intimacy
- The difference between codependency and healthy interdependence
- Healthier beliefs that support boundaries, self-worth, and authentic relationships
- Reflection questions to help you recognize your own people pleasing patterns
Many people pleasers spend years trying to prove two unconscious beliefs:
- You need me.
- I don't have needs.
While these beliefs may seem loving or selfless, they're often driven by fear—the fear that if you're not useful, easy, or indispensable, you'll lose love or belonging.
The reality is that healthy relationships aren't built on one person constantly rescuing the other. They're built on two capable people choosing one another while allowing space for both giving and receiving.
Your value has never been determined by how much you do for others.
And having needs doesn't make you difficult to love—it makes you human.
Challenge for the Week
Notice when you find yourself trying to prove one of these beliefs:
- "They need me."
- "I don't have needs."
Then pause and ask yourself:
Am I helping because I genuinely want to... or because I'm afraid of what might happen if I don't?
That single question can reveal whether you're acting from love—or from fear.
Practice replacing those old beliefs with healthier ones:
- My value isn't determined by how needed I am.
- My needs are just as important as anyone else's.
- I don't have to burn myself out to deserve love.
- The people who are meant for me want the real me—not just the endlessly accommodating version of me.
Resources Mentioned
- Previous episode: Empathy Without Boundaries is Self-Abandonment
- Episode 117: Empathy Without Enabling: Boundaries for Toxic Relationships (Understanding vs Tolerating)
- Episode 112: Part 4: Rescuer/Coach Energy: The Drama Triangle & Empowerment Dynamic
Ready to Stop Abandoning Yourself?
If you're ready to create healthier relationships, set boundaries without guilt, and finally start honoring your own needs, I'd love to support you.
Join my FREE 7-Day Feel Better Challenge, where you'll receive a short daily lesson and practical exercise to help you rebuild self-trust, reduce burnout, and create more balanced relationships.
You don't have to earn love by overgiving.
You are already worthy.
Listen
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 8 (00:42):
Well, hello and welcome back.
Today, I'm going to be sharingwith you two beliefs that many
people pleasers spend theirwhole lives trying to prove.
And I hinted at them last weekwhen we talked about how empathy
without boundaries leads toself-abandonment, but today
we're going to dig into them alittle bit deeper.
For many people pleasers, theyinvest a significant amount of
time and energy into reinforcingthat these beliefs are true.
(01:05):
And they might be reinforcing itto themselves or to other
people, but it might be thesevery beliefs that are actually
keeping you stuck.
These beliefs are often what isactually creating the imbalance
that you're experiencing in arelationship.
It's these beliefs that aremaking you feel like you're only
valued for what it is that youdo for others instead of for who
you actually are.
These two beliefs, they quietlyshape all of your relationships.
(01:28):
They might be driving yourburnout, creating resentment for
you, and they might actually beproducing the exact opposite of
what it is that you're hopingfor in a relationship.
So today, I'm going to talkabout what those two beliefs
are, why they're keeping youstuck, and what healthier
beliefs you can practiceinstead.
But first, let's talk aboutwhat's underneath these beliefs
because really, this all comesdown to fear, a fear of
(01:50):
abandonment.
So this fear says,"If I'm tooneedy, then they'll leave.
If I don't make it super easy tolove me by taking on the lion's
share of the load in arelationship, then they're going
to leave me.
If I'm not solving a problem forthem, or if I'm not constantly
making their life easier andmore comfortable for them, then
they're not gonna stick around.
If they don't need me anymore,then I'm not gonna matter, and
(02:11):
I'll be cast aside." and whenthese thoughts are showing up
for us, then people-pleasingbecomes an attempt to earn love
and belonging.
And it's not coming through thatauthenticity of,"Oh, yay, like I
really wanna connect with youand this is genuinely who I am."
But instead, it shows upthrough,"Okay, how can I make
myself useful?
How can I make myselfindispensable to that person?"
And so that fear, it's creatingthese two unconscious beliefs
(02:34):
that are really dictating how itis that you show up.
And so it might be somethingthat you're constantly trying to
prove to other people, okay?
So these two beliefs are,"Youneed me," and,"I don't have
needs." So first let's talkabout you need me.
This belief shows up when we'reconfusing being needed with
being loved.
It says,"Well, if I can becomeindispensable, then they'll
(02:54):
never leave me." And so that'swhen we become the helper, the
fixer, the emotional regulator.
Maybe you become the planner orthe coordinator for somebody.
You're like the fairy godmotherthat makes everybody's wants and
wishes come true.
But now you've become the personthat everybody depends on.
And at first, this feels reallymeaningful, and it feels like,
"Oh, I have finally found mypurpose in life.
(03:15):
It's to help everybody out." Andit feels so good.
But over time, then things startto shift a little bit, and you
might start to notice somethings.
You might start to realize thatyou are not creating the mutual
partnership that you thoughtthat you were.
Instead, you're creatingdependency because now they're
dependent upon you to fulfilltheir needs, and you are
(03:35):
dependent upon them for helpingyou to feel useful and therefore
loved.
So sometimes in this dependency,it might look like emotional
support or emotional regulation.
You're there always helping themto calm down and feel their
feelings.
You're processing for them.
Sometimes it looks like reallypractical things like running
errands or picking up somebodyor dropping them off at an
appointment or doing theirshopping for them.
(03:57):
It can look extremely practical.
But underneath all of this, thensometimes it looks like somebody
who has slowly stopped solvingtheir own problems because
you've become so good at solvingit for them.
So why should they put in theenergy?
And this doesn't mean thathelping out other people is
wrong.
Healthy relationships absolutelyinvolve seasons where one person
needs more support than theother.
(04:17):
But healthy relationships,they're not built on one person
always needing to be rescuedwhile the other person is always
doing the rescuing.
That is absolutely going to becreating imbalance for you.
And it's not sustainable for youeither, right?
Because if you're constantly inrescuer mode, that means that
you must always remain inhypervigilance, always scanning
the room, making sure thateverybody's okay, making sure
(04:38):
that their emotions are managed.
You're constantly walking oneggshells, making sure that,
"Okay, yep, I need to manageeverything for them." And when
that happens, then guess what?
It's also not beneficial forthem because they're never
learning how to solve their ownproblems.
A healthy relationship is twocapable people who are choosing
each other, and they'rechoosing,"Okay, we're going to
(05:00):
grow and evolve together." It'snot that you're going to do all
the growing and evolving andthen do that for me and on my
behalf.
It's that no, we are twocomplete beings, and we're
choosing to grow and evolvetogether, knowing that sometimes
the other one is gonna need helpand support, and that's okay,
but we're not gonna sign up forthose roles forever of just
victim and rescuer, right?
So healthy relationships,they're built around two people
(05:22):
who choose to stick aroundbecause they want to.
It's not because they have toand because they're dependent
upon each other.
That's dependency.
That's not love.
So let's kind of talk about therole of the lifeguard.
We've talked about it on herebefore.
I'm gonna post a few links inthe show notes if you wanna dive
into this idea a little bitfurther.
But the role of a lifeguard isto jump into the pool and rescue
(05:43):
someone when they really needit, when their life is at stake.
So they're watching, they'reobserving, but they're only
intervening when they reallyactually need to, okay?
Now, a hypervigilant lifeguard,they might just try to make sure
that nobody goes in the deep endat all.
So this might mean that they seeyou dip your toe in, and then
they think,"Oh no, I gotta rushover there." So they'll rush
(06:04):
over there really quickly, puton a life jacket, put on your
arm floaties, and say,"Oh, well,why don't you just sit here on
the side?
Stay in the shallow end.
It's not worth it to go deeperthan your knees," right?
So that's very limiting for bothparties.
So the lifeguard is nowhypervigilant.
Their nervous system is out ofwhack'cause they're making sure,
"No, I must keep them safe andaway from the deep end at all
costs." But then the personshowing up at the pool, it's not
(06:27):
very fun for them.
They're never learning how todoggy paddle.
They're never learning how toback float.
It can be very limiting forthem.
So sometimes, and this is whatwe're doing when we're
people-pleasing, is we're actinglike these permanent lifeguards.
We're not letting peoplestruggle.
We're solving problems for thembefore we've even been asked.
Uh, we're removing any form ofdiscomfort for them, and we
(06:47):
never let them see how far theycan touch.
We never let them practicedifferent strokes in the pool.
We never let them see if they'recapable of getting themselves to
safety.
It's just constant rescuing whenthey don't actually need it, and
that's keeping them small.
And sometimes when we're doingthis, it feels like love.
Because our nervous system, it'syelling at us.
It's saying,"No, no, no, no, no,you must remain hypervigilant
(07:09):
because if you're not, somethinghorrible will happen.
Something horrible is gonnahappen if you are not
hypervigilant." And again, thatcomes back to that fear that,
okay, well, if something happensto them, they're going to leave
me, right?
So it's that fear keeping usstuck.
And sometimes when we're doingthat, we're unintentionally
preventing growth for both ofus.
They're not learning how to feeltheir feelings, and we're not
(07:30):
learning how to feel and processour emotions either because
we're so focused onmicromanaging theirs.
And when we do that, we'reactually reinforcing that belief
that they cannot do hard thingswithout me, and that keeps both
of you small.
It's reinforcing that beliefthat they are nothing without
you.
It's creating that neediness andthat dependency rather than that
(07:50):
balanced reciprocation andrelationship.
Now, if this feels superfamiliar to you and you're
starting to notice thatsometimes you do confuse being
needed with being loved, I wantyou to ask yourself this
question.
If everybody in your lifesuddenly became completely
capable tomorrow morning, theyjust woke up amazingly capable,
would you still know who you arein those relationships?
(08:13):
Now, if I'm being totally honestwith you, there was a time when
I would've been afraid of theidea of the people around me no
longer having needs.
I had no idea who I was outsideof what it was that I was doing
for others.
And so that idea, it would'veabsolutely terrified me.
So if the question of ifeverybody suddenly became
(08:33):
emotionally healthy andcompletely capable tomorrow, if
that feels uncomfortable foryou, it's worth asking why.
Because healthy attachment says,"I love you, and I'm here if you
need me." But codependency says,"I need you to need me so that I
can feel valuable." But you, myfriend, you're already
incredibly valuable, and it'snot because you do amazing
(08:54):
things for other people.
I mean, you do do a lot ofamazing things for other people,
but that's not what makes you soamazing.
You're amazing simply becauseyou are.
Now let me share with you anexample of what this can look
like that I think many of youare going to be able to relate
to.
Now, as a parent, when my kidsstarted to find their own voice,
it was really hard for me.
When they'd tell me things like,"No, it's okay, I can do this
(09:15):
appointment on my own," or,"No,I don't need you to tag along,"
or,"No, I don't need your helppreparing for this job
interview," I didn't know whatto do with myself.
I mean, of course the goal of aparent is to raise independent
children, but it wasn't until mykids started actually showing
that they were independent thatI realized how much of my value
I had tied up into what it wasthat I was doing for them.
(09:38):
That,"Oh, no, but I'm the onethat helps with the homework.
I'm the one that makes theappointments.
I'm the one that does thesethings." So I really kind of had
a bit of an identity crisis oncemy kids started finding their
own voice.
But oftentimes this is whatwe're doing with the people
pleasing.
When we're creating thesedependent relationships, it's
not benefiting us becausethey're not learning how to
learn and grow and do things ontheir own.
(09:58):
They're super dependent upon us.
But also, it is tying your worthto what it is that you do for
others rather than just simplywho you are All right, so now
let's talk about the secondbelief, that I don't have needs.
It's amazing how hard peoplework to prove this to other
people and to themselves.
So this one, it's one that wedon't often challenge because it
(10:19):
sounds very altruistic, right?
It sounds really good.
It sounds like,"Oh, well, I'measy.
It's fine.
I don't care.
You know, whatever works foreverybody else works for me.
That's, that's just fine." Itlooks really easygoing and
accommodating on the surface,and it can be easygoing and
accommodating, but when youreally check in with yourself,
notice what's happening for you.
I especially want you to noticeyour face.
(10:39):
Notice your face and feel intoyour face because more than
likely, if you're saying,"I'mfine, and whatever works for
everybody else works for me,"and you have a smile on your
face, but you can feel like pinsand needles, and your smile
feels fake, and it feels tight,more than likely you're saying
those things because you'refaking it.
You're trying to fake it tillyou make it.
You're telling them,"No, it'sfine.
I don't have needs," and you'repretending that you don't have
(11:02):
needs, and this is a form ofself-abandonment.
Many people pleasers believethat merely being a human that
has needs, that automaticallymakes them an inconvenience to
love.
It makes them too much.
making a request for something,that makes them too demanding.
And so instead of giving voiceto their needs, then they become
the person who never, ever asksfor anything.
(11:24):
They don't wanna disappointanybody.
They don't wanna put anybodyout.
And so they never offer up anopinion.
They never make a request.
They never set a boundary.
They never rock the boat.
And oftentimes then, yeah, weconvince ourselves that,"No, I'm
okay.
It's okay." And again, noticeyour face when you're saying
that.
Are you putting on a smile, butyou can feel underneath that you
have a lot of emotion?
(11:44):
Maybe you're even near tears be-it's because you're trying to
convince yourself that you'reokay and that you don't actually
have needs.
You're trying to convinceyourself that you can do
everything on your own.
But the truth is you absolutelyhave needs because everybody
does.
You're just pretending that youdon't, hoping that that's going
to earn you love.
(12:05):
And pretending not to haveneeds, it doesn't make your
needs disappear.
It just means that your needsdon't get acknowledged, and when
they're not acknowledged, thenthey're rarely fulfilled.
And when your needs aren'tfulfilled, that's what's going
to create that imbalance.
That's what's going to createthat burnout for you,
resentment, loneliness.
Because the truth is that nobodycan meet your needs if they're
(12:27):
never invited to see what yourneeds are, if they never know
that you even have needs.
Pretending that you don't haveneeds, it also really creates
some inauthentic relationships.
You're not gonna be able toexperience that real connection
that you're looking for whenyou're always wearing a mask.
So yeah, if you are not showingthe real authentic version of
you, but instead only showingthat masked version of you,
(12:47):
people are never going to get toknow the real you.
I mean, yeah, they will know theversion of you that's endlessly
accommodating, But they won'tget to see the real human
version of you, who sometimesgets tired, who sometimes needs
support, who sometimes wouldlike somebody else to carry the
emotional load.
And so acknowledging that youalso have needs in a
relationship, that's not aweakness.
(13:09):
It actually takes an incredibleamount of strength to just be
real, to make a request.
It takes so much courage to makea request to get your needs met,
and this is true for everyone,but especially for this
population.
It does take strength, and itdoes take courage to just be
real and let people know thatyou also have needs.
Pretending that you don't haveneeds, it doesn't actually serve
(13:30):
either of you because you canonly get so close to somebody
when you aren't allowingyourself to be seen.
So when you're seeking to havethat deep and meaningful and
real connection, part of yourbrain thinks that,"Okay, I can
prove that by making myselfindispensable to them." But
people feel when you're notshowing up as your authentic
self, and the only way to getthat deep and real and
(13:53):
meaningful relationship thatyou're seeking is by actually
being real.
Now, the irony is that both thebelief that other people must
need you and the lie that youdon't have needs, both of those
thoughts are ultimately tryingto accomplish the same thing.
They're trying to create loveand belonging.
They're trying to create safetyand security for yourself.
(14:14):
But they're not actuallycreating those things.
Instead, they're creatingimbalance.
They're creating relationshipswhere one person is always
giving and the other person isalways receiving, where one
person feels responsible and theother one is becoming
increasingly dependent uponfixing everybody else's
problems.
They create relationships whereone person feels seen and cared
for and held, and the otherperson is feeling the need to
(14:38):
constantly prove that they havevalue in a relationship.
And that's not intimacy.
That's exhaustion.
So moving forward, really noticewhen those sneaky
self-sabotaging thoughts creepin.
And instead of believing,"Youmust need me," then practice the
thought,"My value is notdetermined by how needed I am."
(15:00):
Instead of believing,"I don'thave needs," then practice the
thought,"My needs are at leastas important as anyone else's."
Instead of believing,"I have toearn love by burning myself
out," then practice the thought,"I don't have to sacrifice
myself to deserve love andbelonging." And just so you
know, the people who are trulymeant for you, they want to get
(15:22):
to know the real you, not themasked version of you.
They don't want the you thatover-functions and over-gives
and never asks for anything.
Instead, they want the real andhuman you.
The version of you that actuallyhas needs and expresses them.
The one who states boundaries.
The one who, yeah, theysometimes like to receive in
(15:42):
addition to giving.
Because healthy love, it's notbuilt on usefulness.
It's built on being real andauthentic.
So this week, notice where it isthat you're trying to prove one
of these two beliefs, and thenask yourself,"Okay, am I helping
because I genuinely want to, oram I showing up in this way
because I'm scared of what mighthappen in my relationship if I
(16:04):
don't?" And that one question,it can really reveal a lot.
The truth is that people want toget to know the real you, and
you're amazing.
So please let yourself be seen.
Now, if you are wanting to stopabandoning yourself and finally
get your needs met in arelationship, then I encourage
you to come and join myseven-day challenge.
(16:25):
Each day for seven days, I'mgonna be sending you a prompt
and a mini exercise to help youto experience more peace and
balance in your life andrelationships.
Now, this challenge is 100%free, so honestly, you have
nothing to lose except for theburnout and anxiety that you're
currently feeling in arelationship.
So click the link in the shownotes and come and join me
inside.
I'm looking forward to seeingyou there.
(16:46):
All right.
Well, I hope you have a greatweek, and let's talk soon.
Bye now.
Well, hello and welcome back.
Today, I'm going to be sharingwith you two beliefs that many
people pleasers spend theirwhole lives trying to prove.
And I hinted at them last weekwhen we talked about how empathy
without boundaries leads toself-abandonment, but today
we're going to dig into them alittle bit deeper.
For many people pleasers, theyinvest a significant amount of
time and energy into reinforcingthat these beliefs are true.
(01:05):
And they might be reinforcing itto themselves or to other
people, but it might be thesevery beliefs that are actually
keeping you stuck.
These beliefs are often what isactually creating the imbalance
that you're experiencing in arelationship.
It's these beliefs that aremaking you feel like you're only
valued for what it is that youdo for others instead of for who
you actually are.
These two beliefs, they quietlyshape all of your relationships.
(01:28):
They might be driving yourburnout, creating resentment for
you, and they might actually beproducing the exact opposite of
what it is that you're hopingfor in a relationship.
So today, I'm going to talkabout what those two beliefs
are, why they're keeping youstuck, and what healthier
beliefs you can practiceinstead.
But first, let's talk aboutwhat's underneath these beliefs
because really, this all comesdown to fear, a fear of
(01:50):
abandonment.
So this fear says,"If I'm tooneedy, then they'll leave.
If I don't make it super easy tolove me by taking on the lion's
share of the load in arelationship, then they're going
to leave me.
If I'm not solving a problem forthem, or if I'm not constantly
making their life easier andmore comfortable for them, then
they're not gonna stick around.
If they don't need me anymore,then I'm not gonna matter, and
(02:11):
I'll be cast aside." and whenthese thoughts are showing up
for us, then people-pleasingbecomes an attempt to earn love
and belonging.
And it's not coming through thatauthenticity of,"Oh, yay, like I
really wanna connect with youand this is genuinely who I am."
But instead, it shows upthrough,"Okay, how can I make
myself useful?
How can I make myselfindispensable to that person?"
And so that fear, it's creatingthese two unconscious beliefs
(02:34):
that are really dictating how itis that you show up.
And so it might be somethingthat you're constantly trying to
prove to other people, okay?
So these two beliefs are,"Youneed me," and,"I don't have
needs." So first let's talkabout you need me.
This belief shows up when we'reconfusing being needed with
being loved.
It says,"Well, if I can becomeindispensable, then they'll
(02:54):
never leave me." And so that'swhen we become the helper, the
fixer, the emotional regulator.
Maybe you become the planner orthe coordinator for somebody.
You're like the fairy godmotherthat makes everybody's wants and
wishes come true.
But now you've become the personthat everybody depends on.
And at first, this feels reallymeaningful, and it feels like,
"Oh, I have finally found mypurpose in life.
(03:15):
It's to help everybody out." Andit feels so good.
But over time, then things startto shift a little bit, and you
might start to notice somethings.
You might start to realize thatyou are not creating the mutual
partnership that you thoughtthat you were.
Instead, you're creatingdependency because now they're
dependent upon you to fulfilltheir needs, and you are
(03:35):
dependent upon them for helpingyou to feel useful and therefore
loved.
So sometimes in this dependency,it might look like emotional
support or emotional regulation.
You're there always helping themto calm down and feel their
feelings.
You're processing for them.
Sometimes it looks like reallypractical things like running
errands or picking up somebodyor dropping them off at an
appointment or doing theirshopping for them.
(03:57):
It can look extremely practical.
But underneath all of this, thensometimes it looks like somebody
who has slowly stopped solvingtheir own problems because
you've become so good at solvingit for them.
So why should they put in theenergy?
And this doesn't mean thathelping out other people is
wrong.
Healthy relationships absolutelyinvolve seasons where one person
needs more support than theother.
(04:17):
But healthy relationships,they're not built on one person
always needing to be rescuedwhile the other person is always
doing the rescuing.
That is absolutely going to becreating imbalance for you.
And it's not sustainable for youeither, right?
Because if you're constantly inrescuer mode, that means that
you must always remain inhypervigilance, always scanning
the room, making sure thateverybody's okay, making sure
(04:38):
that their emotions are managed.
You're constantly walking oneggshells, making sure that,
"Okay, yep, I need to manageeverything for them." And when
that happens, then guess what?
It's also not beneficial forthem because they're never
learning how to solve their ownproblems.
A healthy relationship is twocapable people who are choosing
each other, and they'rechoosing,"Okay, we're going to
(05:00):
grow and evolve together." It'snot that you're going to do all
the growing and evolving andthen do that for me and on my
behalf.
It's that no, we are twocomplete beings, and we're
choosing to grow and evolvetogether, knowing that sometimes
the other one is gonna need helpand support, and that's okay,
but we're not gonna sign up forthose roles forever of just
victim and rescuer, right?
So healthy relationships,they're built around two people
(05:22):
who choose to stick aroundbecause they want to.
It's not because they have toand because they're dependent
upon each other.
That's dependency.
That's not love.
So let's kind of talk about therole of the lifeguard.
We've talked about it on herebefore.
I'm gonna post a few links inthe show notes if you wanna dive
into this idea a little bitfurther.
But the role of a lifeguard isto jump into the pool and rescue
(05:43):
someone when they really needit, when their life is at stake.
So they're watching, they'reobserving, but they're only
intervening when they reallyactually need to, okay?
Now, a hypervigilant lifeguard,they might just try to make sure
that nobody goes in the deep endat all.
So this might mean that they seeyou dip your toe in, and then
they think,"Oh no, I gotta rushover there." So they'll rush
(06:04):
over there really quickly, puton a life jacket, put on your
arm floaties, and say,"Oh, well,why don't you just sit here on
the side?
Stay in the shallow end.
It's not worth it to go deeperthan your knees," right?
So that's very limiting for bothparties.
So the lifeguard is nowhypervigilant.
Their nervous system is out ofwhack'cause they're making sure,
"No, I must keep them safe andaway from the deep end at all
costs." But then the personshowing up at the pool, it's not
(06:27):
very fun for them.
They're never learning how todoggy paddle.
They're never learning how toback float.
It can be very limiting forthem.
So sometimes, and this is whatwe're doing when we're
people-pleasing, is we're actinglike these permanent lifeguards.
We're not letting peoplestruggle.
We're solving problems for thembefore we've even been asked.
Uh, we're removing any form ofdiscomfort for them, and we
(06:47):
never let them see how far theycan touch.
We never let them practicedifferent strokes in the pool.
We never let them see if they'recapable of getting themselves to
safety.
It's just constant rescuing whenthey don't actually need it, and
that's keeping them small.
And sometimes when we're doingthis, it feels like love.
Because our nervous system, it'syelling at us.
It's saying,"No, no, no, no, no,you must remain hypervigilant
(07:09):
because if you're not, somethinghorrible will happen.
Something horrible is gonnahappen if you are not
hypervigilant." And again, thatcomes back to that fear that,
okay, well, if something happensto them, they're going to leave
me, right?
So it's that fear keeping usstuck.
And sometimes when we're doingthat, we're unintentionally
preventing growth for both ofus.
They're not learning how to feeltheir feelings, and we're not
(07:30):
learning how to feel and processour emotions either because
we're so focused onmicromanaging theirs.
And when we do that, we'reactually reinforcing that belief
that they cannot do hard thingswithout me, and that keeps both
of you small.
It's reinforcing that beliefthat they are nothing without
you.
It's creating that neediness andthat dependency rather than that
(07:50):
balanced reciprocation andrelationship.
Now, if this feels superfamiliar to you and you're
starting to notice thatsometimes you do confuse being
needed with being loved, I wantyou to ask yourself this
question.
If everybody in your lifesuddenly became completely
capable tomorrow morning, theyjust woke up amazingly capable,
would you still know who you arein those relationships?
(08:13):
Now, if I'm being totally honestwith you, there was a time when
I would've been afraid of theidea of the people around me no
longer having needs.
I had no idea who I was outsideof what it was that I was doing
for others.
And so that idea, it would'veabsolutely terrified me.
So if the question of ifeverybody suddenly became
(08:33):
emotionally healthy andcompletely capable tomorrow, if
that feels uncomfortable foryou, it's worth asking why.
Because healthy attachment says,"I love you, and I'm here if you
need me." But codependency says,"I need you to need me so that I
can feel valuable." But you, myfriend, you're already
incredibly valuable, and it'snot because you do amazing
(08:54):
things for other people.
I mean, you do do a lot ofamazing things for other people,
but that's not what makes you soamazing.
You're amazing simply becauseyou are.
Now let me share with you anexample of what this can look
like that I think many of youare going to be able to relate
to.
Now, as a parent, when my kidsstarted to find their own voice,
it was really hard for me.
When they'd tell me things like,"No, it's okay, I can do this
(09:15):
appointment on my own," or,"No,I don't need you to tag along,"
or,"No, I don't need your helppreparing for this job
interview," I didn't know whatto do with myself.
I mean, of course the goal of aparent is to raise independent
children, but it wasn't until mykids started actually showing
that they were independent thatI realized how much of my value
I had tied up into what it wasthat I was doing for them.
(09:38):
That,"Oh, no, but I'm the onethat helps with the homework.
I'm the one that makes theappointments.
I'm the one that does thesethings." So I really kind of had
a bit of an identity crisis oncemy kids started finding their
own voice.
But oftentimes this is whatwe're doing with the people
pleasing.
When we're creating thesedependent relationships, it's
not benefiting us becausethey're not learning how to
learn and grow and do things ontheir own.
(09:58):
They're super dependent upon us.
But also, it is tying your worthto what it is that you do for
others rather than just simplywho you are All right, so now
let's talk about the secondbelief, that I don't have needs.
It's amazing how hard peoplework to prove this to other
people and to themselves.
So this one, it's one that wedon't often challenge because it
(10:19):
sounds very altruistic, right?
It sounds really good.
It sounds like,"Oh, well, I'measy.
It's fine.
I don't care.
You know, whatever works foreverybody else works for me.
That's, that's just fine." Itlooks really easygoing and
accommodating on the surface,and it can be easygoing and
accommodating, but when youreally check in with yourself,
notice what's happening for you.
I especially want you to noticeyour face.
(10:39):
Notice your face and feel intoyour face because more than
likely, if you're saying,"I'mfine, and whatever works for
everybody else works for me,"and you have a smile on your
face, but you can feel like pinsand needles, and your smile
feels fake, and it feels tight,more than likely you're saying
those things because you'refaking it.
You're trying to fake it tillyou make it.
You're telling them,"No, it'sfine.
I don't have needs," and you'repretending that you don't have
(11:02):
needs, and this is a form ofself-abandonment.
Many people pleasers believethat merely being a human that
has needs, that automaticallymakes them an inconvenience to
love.
It makes them too much.
making a request for something,that makes them too demanding.
And so instead of giving voiceto their needs, then they become
the person who never, ever asksfor anything.
(11:24):
They don't wanna disappointanybody.
They don't wanna put anybodyout.
And so they never offer up anopinion.
They never make a request.
They never set a boundary.
They never rock the boat.
And oftentimes then, yeah, weconvince ourselves that,"No, I'm
okay.
It's okay." And again, noticeyour face when you're saying
that.
Are you putting on a smile, butyou can feel underneath that you
have a lot of emotion?
(11:44):
Maybe you're even near tears be-it's because you're trying to
convince yourself that you'reokay and that you don't actually
have needs.
You're trying to convinceyourself that you can do
everything on your own.
But the truth is you absolutelyhave needs because everybody
does.
You're just pretending that youdon't, hoping that that's going
to earn you love.
(12:05):
And pretending not to haveneeds, it doesn't make your
needs disappear.
It just means that your needsdon't get acknowledged, and when
they're not acknowledged, thenthey're rarely fulfilled.
And when your needs aren'tfulfilled, that's what's going
to create that imbalance.
That's what's going to createthat burnout for you,
resentment, loneliness.
Because the truth is that nobodycan meet your needs if they're
(12:27):
never invited to see what yourneeds are, if they never know
that you even have needs.
Pretending that you don't haveneeds, it also really creates
some inauthentic relationships.
You're not gonna be able toexperience that real connection
that you're looking for whenyou're always wearing a mask.
So yeah, if you are not showingthe real authentic version of
you, but instead only showingthat masked version of you,
(12:47):
people are never going to get toknow the real you.
I mean, yeah, they will know theversion of you that's endlessly
accommodating, But they won'tget to see the real human
version of you, who sometimesgets tired, who sometimes needs
support, who sometimes wouldlike somebody else to carry the
emotional load.
And so acknowledging that youalso have needs in a
relationship, that's not aweakness.
(13:09):
It actually takes an incredibleamount of strength to just be
real, to make a request.
It takes so much courage to makea request to get your needs met,
and this is true for everyone,but especially for this
population.
It does take strength, and itdoes take courage to just be
real and let people know thatyou also have needs.
Pretending that you don't haveneeds, it doesn't actually serve
(13:30):
either of you because you canonly get so close to somebody
when you aren't allowingyourself to be seen.
So when you're seeking to havethat deep and meaningful and
real connection, part of yourbrain thinks that,"Okay, I can
prove that by making myselfindispensable to them." But
people feel when you're notshowing up as your authentic
self, and the only way to getthat deep and real and
(13:53):
meaningful relationship thatyou're seeking is by actually
being real.
Now, the irony is that both thebelief that other people must
need you and the lie that youdon't have needs, both of those
thoughts are ultimately tryingto accomplish the same thing.
They're trying to create loveand belonging.
They're trying to create safetyand security for yourself.
(14:14):
But they're not actuallycreating those things.
Instead, they're creatingimbalance.
They're creating relationshipswhere one person is always
giving and the other person isalways receiving, where one
person feels responsible and theother one is becoming
increasingly dependent uponfixing everybody else's
problems.
They create relationships whereone person feels seen and cared
for and held, and the otherperson is feeling the need to
(14:38):
constantly prove that they havevalue in a relationship.
And that's not intimacy.
That's exhaustion.
So moving forward, really noticewhen those sneaky
self-sabotaging thoughts creepin.
And instead of believing,"Youmust need me," then practice the
thought,"My value is notdetermined by how needed I am."
(15:00):
Instead of believing,"I don'thave needs," then practice the
thought,"My needs are at leastas important as anyone else's."
Instead of believing,"I have toearn love by burning myself
out," then practice the thought,"I don't have to sacrifice
myself to deserve love andbelonging." And just so you
know, the people who are trulymeant for you, they want to get
(15:22):
to know the real you, not themasked version of you.
They don't want the you thatover-functions and over-gives
and never asks for anything.
Instead, they want the real andhuman you.
The version of you that actuallyhas needs and expresses them.
The one who states boundaries.
The one who, yeah, theysometimes like to receive in
(15:42):
addition to giving.
Because healthy love, it's notbuilt on usefulness.
It's built on being real andauthentic.
So this week, notice where it isthat you're trying to prove one
of these two beliefs, and thenask yourself,"Okay, am I helping
because I genuinely want to, oram I showing up in this way
because I'm scared of what mighthappen in my relationship if I
(16:04):
don't?" And that one question,it can really reveal a lot.
The truth is that people want toget to know the real you, and
you're amazing.
So please let yourself be seen.
Now, if you are wanting to stopabandoning yourself and finally
get your needs met in arelationship, then I encourage
you to come and join myseven-day challenge.
(16:25):
Each day for seven days, I'mgonna be sending you a prompt
and a mini exercise to help youto experience more peace and
balance in your life andrelationships.
Now, this challenge is 100%free, so honestly, you have
nothing to lose except for theburnout and anxiety that you're
currently feeling in arelationship.
So click the link in the shownotes and come and join me
inside.
I'm looking forward to seeingyou there.
(16:46):
All right.
Well, I hope you have a greatweek, and let's talk soon.
Bye now.
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