The Stories You Tell Yourself: How Your Thoughts Shape Your Reality
What if the biggest thing keeping you stuck isn't what's happening in your life—but the story your brain keeps telling you about it?
Our minds are incredible storytellers. A comment from a neighbor, a missed invitation, or a simple misunderstanding can quickly become a dramatic narrative about rejection, failure, or not being enough. The problem isn't the circumstance itself—it's the meaning we assign to it.
In this episode of Inner Work with MaryAnn Walker, you'll discover a surprisingly fun mindset exercise that helps you interrupt negative thinking, challenge unhelpful assumptions, and intentionally rewrite the stories shaping your emotions, relationships, and future.
Using the idea of writing your own movie trailer, you'll learn how to shift from seeing yourself as the victim of your circumstances to becoming the hero of your own story.
If you're someone who tends to overthink every interaction, this episode will give you practical tools to create more peace, confidence, and emotional resilience.
In This Episode You'll Learn:
- Why your brain naturally creates negative stories (and why it isn't your fault)
- How your thoughts—not your circumstances—shape your emotional experience
- The psychology behind negativity bias and overthinking
- Why people often assume the worst
- How to recognize when you're writing a tragedy instead of a growth story
- The "Movie Trailer Exercise" that helps you create empowering new narratives
- How changing your internal story changes the way you show up in your life
- Why you're only living one chapter—not your entire story
Challenge for the Week
Throughout the week, notice the stories your brain automatically creates after everyday situations.
Instead of accepting the first storyline your mind offers, ask yourself:
- What else could this mean?
- Is this story helping me become the person I want to be?
- If my life were a movie, what would the trailer say about this chapter?
Then write your own movie trailer.
Imagine your life being narrated as the beginning of an incredible transformation instead of the end of the story.
Because this isn't your whole story.
It's just one chapter.
Resources Mentioned
- Free 7-Day Get Your Needs Met Challenge https://maryannwalker-life.kit.com/cdf81f07e6
- One-on-One Coaching with MaryAnn Walker Email: maryann@maryannwalker.life
Work With Me
If you're tired of overthinking every conversation, assuming the worst, or feeling stuck in the same painful patterns, coaching can help you rewrite the beliefs that have been running your life for years.
Together, we'll uncover the stories your brain has been repeating, challenge the beliefs keeping you small, and help you create new thought patterns that lead to healthier relationships, stronger boundaries, and greater emotional peace.
To learn more about working together, email maryann@maryannwalker.life.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker (00:42):
Well, hello and welcome back.
Today we're going to have somefun tapping into the creative
side of our brain, the side ofour brain that says,"What else
is possible?" And we're going todo that through one simple
exercise (00:53):
writing movie trailers.
Now, stick with me on this onebecause I think this is a very
simple but a very powerful idea.
And this is one that's actuallypretty fun to do, so I would not
be surprised if this becomes thenew party game because oh my
goodness, it can just give yousuch a huge insight into
yourself and into other peoplewhen you think about your life
in terms of, what would my movietrailer look like?
(01:14):
So here's how we're gonna play.
Something happens in your life,for example, it's raining on
your wedding day or your dinnergets burned or you receive some
negative feedback from somebody.
When that happens, notice whatis happening in your brain.
Your brain is an amazingstoryteller, but it doesn't
always tell the most accurate ofstories.
I mean, yeah, it's gonna tellyou that,"Oh no, I'm telling the
(01:34):
truth, the whole truth, andnothing but the truth, and you
should believe me." But that'snot actually the truth, right?
It's actually only telling youone possible storyline, and we
know that there are multipleversions of the same story
because everybody has adifferent story even when the
circumstances are the same.
Everybody reacts differently tothe same circumstance.
For example, one person mightburn dinner and burst into
(01:57):
tears, and another person mightburn dinner and burst into
laughter.
It is the same circumstance, butone person made that
circumstance a tragedy while theother one made it a comedy,
right?
So when something happens,notice the storyline that your
brain wants to attach to thatsomething.
Okay?
Those are all the neutralcircumstances.
They do not mean anything untilwe write a story about it.
(02:20):
You are a storyteller whetheryou think you are or not,
whether you think that you're acreative or not, And more than
likely, you've practiced acertain genre of writing for
quite a while now.
You have practiced a certainkind of script, and thinking
that this is the only way thatyour story can end, that might
be what's keeping you stuck.
So here's the game.
Are you ready?
When something happens, thennotice your thoughts about it
(02:42):
and then repeat it back likeyou're narrating a movie
trailer.
So for example, let's say it'snow 8:00 PM, and you're brushing
your teeth, and you notice thatyou have a poppy seed that's
stuck in your teeth.
And so when this happens,notice,"Okay, what is my
narrator saying?
I know that I have a poppy seedin my teeth.
The last time I ate poppy seedswas for lunch.
What's my narrator saying?" Somaybe the narrator in your head
(03:02):
is saying something like,"MaryAnn went the entire day not
noticing this seed, and none ofher supposed friends told her
that it was there.
Maybe she doesn't have friendsafter all." Right?
That's a total downer of astory, right?
But a more supportive storymight be,"Nothing keeps this
girl down.
Even when a poppy seed has beenher companion for an entire day,
then she's able to laugh aboutit, floss it out, and move on."
(03:24):
And it's not just poppy seedsthat she doesn't let get her
down, right?
Okay, also as a side note forpoppy seeds, I did have to look
at my teeth before recording.
I had some everything bagelbagel chips for lunch, and oh my
goodness, they were so good, butthen they've got all the seeds
in them, right?
Sesame seeds and poppy seeds.
But then, do you wanna know whatmy honest to goodness thought
was before recording?
I mean, yes, I did check in themirror to make sure I didn't
(03:44):
have poppy seeds, but I thought,"You know what?
Worst case scenario, I do have apoppy seed in my teeth, and then
this'll be the video that takesoff." It seems like the videos
that have the most engagementare the ones where something's
wrong and people just can't lookaway.
So it wouldn't actually be theworst case scenario, right?
So anyway, that's just one otherstory for that poppy seed.
Or maybe, for example, yourneighbor says,"Oh, you got a
(04:06):
haircut," and your brain wantsto immediately write a story.
So one story might be,"Oh,MaryAnn shouldn't have changed
stylists.
Oh, that was a big mistake.
How embarrassing.
She looks terrible." Or maybethe story is,"Oh, wow, people
can't help but comment about mygood look.
Oh, doesn't it look amazing?
I'm so glad that I found thatstylist that's good with curly
hair." Right?
(04:27):
You get to decide what story youwant to assign to that neutral
circumstance of somebody saying,"Oh, you got a haircut." Also,
I'm just gonna say, it's apersonal pet peeve of mine when
people make a statement insteadof a compliment, so pretty
please to my listeners, ifyou've noticed that somebody's
cut their hair, instead ofsaying,"Oh, you got a haircut,"
please tell them how great theylook.
(04:47):
But even if they don't tell youhow great you look, you can
write a good story in your head.
Now, if your brain has evertaken a five-second interaction
and then turned it into atwo-hour-long docuseries, then
you're in good company.
All of us are amazing writers,and while the brain wants to
convince us that,"Oh, no, mybrain, nope, I'm just thinking
over here.
I'm just telling you the facts,"it's not just telling you the
(05:08):
facts.
It's writing a story, and it'sassigning meaning even when it
doesn't necessarily need to.
And the stories that it'swriting are not always helpful.
In fact, sometimes the brain, itwants to keep rereading the same
sad page or the same depressingchapter over and over and over
again.
But really, the truth is that weare all on our own hero's
(05:28):
journey.
That means we're going to havehighs, and we're going to have
lows.
And we get to keep movingforward instead of getting hung
up on that one negative plotline So imagine for just a
moment that you walked into amovie theater and you sat down,
the movie's halfway through, andyou don't know the characters,
you don't know what's comingnext, but you assume that since
you sat down and watched fiveminutes of that movie, that you
(05:51):
knew everything about it, right?
You knew what kind of a moviethis was.
But the thing is, the fiveminutes that you sat down for,
it was the part in the hero'sjourney where the hero is really
struggling.
Things aren't going well.
They feel so lost and soabandoned and so afraid.
They don't know how it is thatthey're going to get out of
this.
Now, if that's the only part ofthe movie that you see and then
you walk out, you're going tohave a very different perception
(06:13):
of that movie, right?
So when you get out of thatmovie, you might go and talk to
your friends about it and say,"Oh yeah, I saw that movie.
Ooh, it is so depressing.
I didn't like it at all." Andyour friends might respond with,
"Wait, what?
No, it was such an inspiringmovie.
I can't believe you said it wasdepressing.
It brought me so much hope andso much encouragement.
It was such a feel-good movie.
I wish you would've sat throughthe whole thing so that you
(06:35):
could've seen how it endedbecause, oh, it was so good." So
they had a very differentexperience of that film because
they were willing to sit with itand to just watch the hardship
happen.
They were able to wait in hopeas to what was coming next.
They were willing to hold ontothe hope that things are gonna
turn around in this film.
Things are going to get better.
(06:56):
The hero's going to be okay.
They're going to come out ontop.
And oftentimes this is whatwe're doing with our own lives.
We're focusing on and replayingthe same sad scene.
We are reliving the same role ofvictimhood in our own personal
stories instead of allowingourselves to sit in the hope and
the possibility of,"Wow, Iwonder who it is that I'm going
(07:16):
to become through thisexperience.
I wonder how things are going toturn around for me.
I wonder how I could be my ownhero in this story." The brain,
it craves certainty, and thebrain, it also wants to be right
even more than it wants to behappy.
So if you're thinking thoughtslike,"Well, I guess this is just
my life now.
I'm just going to die sad andalone," then guess what?
(07:39):
Your brain is going to startlooking for all of the reasons
why that's true, even thoughit's not necessarily true.
But the more evidence your brainshows you that what you're
thinking is true, the morelikely it is that you're going
to believe that story.
But think about all of themovies that you've watched, all
the books that you've read,where there's a plot twist and
things absolutely turn around.
(07:59):
You can do that too.
So ask yourself, the story thatI'm writing, what kind of a life
is that gonna be creating forme?
And is that the life that Iwant?
The truth is that negativestorylines, they actually come
really easily to the brainbecause the brain has a built-in
negativity bias, and this isactually a safety mechanism.
The brain believes if I can justpredict and prepare for the
(08:21):
worst case scenario, then I willbe okay.
And yes, it is totally fine tothink about and prepare for the
worst case scenario.
Definitely be prepared.
But when you get stuck in thatloop and stuck thinking that,
"Okay, I am now living in theworst case scenario," it's gonna
be really hard for you to justbe in the present.
It's gonna be hard for you tolook for what else might be
(08:42):
possible because you'rereinforcing that one storyline.
Your brain is attempting toprotect you with this plot line.
It is trying to save you fromrejection.
It's trying to save you fromembarrassment or disappointment
or failure or loss.
And it does this by making upstories.
Because even negative stories,they can feel really empowering
because they're giving us somekind of an explanation.
(09:04):
They're saying,"Oh yeah, I canunderstand why I'm the victim
here.
It's because everybody else isso hard on me.
I'm the victim of circumstance.
Everything goes wrong for me.
That's my role.
That's my storyline.
This is true," and we tend tocling to it.
And part of us feels really goodpracticing that because it gives
us some explanation for why itis that we're feeling so
miserable.
But our built-in negativitybias, it's naturally going to
(09:27):
make it easier to write storiesof victimization rather than the
beautiful, heartfelt Hallmarkscripts, right?
So it does take some effort, andit takes some practice to see
what else might be true becausewe do have that negativity bias,
but it is absolutely worth thepractice.
So for example, that poppy seedthat's been in there since
lunchtime.
(09:47):
What story are you writing?
Are you writing a story thatsays,"Ugh, I am such a doofus.
That is so embarrassing.
I am mortified.
I can't believe that nobody toldme.
They're so mean to me, and theyjust let me go around all day
with this poppy seed in myteeth.
I'm so embarrassed"?
Or maybe you're writing a storythat,"Oh, I have a poppy seed in
my teeth.
That's so funny because I knowthat every single person who has
(10:09):
ever eaten a poppy seed ever hasprobably got it stuck right in
the front of their teeth, andit's fine.
It just makes me human.
People are gonna think I'mrelatable because of this poppy
seed, and it comes out so easilywith floss.
It's not a big deal.
I'm not gonna be overthinkingthis tonight.
I'm gonna sleep so great." Sonotice the stories that you're
telling yourself, and getcreative as you work to write a
(10:30):
new story because you do notneed to stay up all night
recycling that same tragicchapter.
When you accidentally tell theinsurance guy,"Bye, I love you,"
before getting off the phonebecause you were just talking to
your fiance, what story are yougoing to write about it?
Do you wanna make it into acomedy and maybe tell yourself
the story that,"Oh, my gosh,that was so funny.
I bet it totally made that guy'sday.
(10:52):
He's gonna be telling all of hiscoworkers about it.
That is just hilarious." Or areyou going to write a story about
self-humiliation?
"Oh, that is so embarrassing.
I'm so embarrassed.
I'm so inadequate.
I'm such a goober.
My fiance should be ashamed ofme." The thoughts that you are
thinking, the stories that youare writing in your head, they
(11:12):
are what create our emotionalexperience with life.
So why not write a story thatmakes you feel a little bit
better?
When you go into a movietheater, then you know that
you're going to experience thefull range of human emotions.
In fact, that is what makes agood storyline.
You also know that more thanlikely the hero is going to
overcome their hardship.
They're going to find love.
(11:33):
They're gonna solve the case.
They're gonna land the job.
They're gonna get thesuperpowers, right?
You just aren't quite sure howthey're going to get there yet,
but you're rooting for the hero.
You're rooting for the underdog,and you have that hope that,
yeah, they're gonna make itthrough.
I can't wait to see what's goingto happen next.
Nobody's going to go into amovie or read a book where
nothing goes wrong or wherenothing actually happens.
(11:56):
I mean, I guess that some peopledo.
My mom actually enjoys a podcastwhere they tell stories where
nothing really happens, and theintent of that podcast is to
help people sleep But generallyspeaking, humans want to
experience the full range oftheir emotions.
But for some reason, we expectthat in our own personal lives,
we're only allowed to feelpositive emotions.
(12:18):
And if we're not onlyexperiencing those positive
emotions, it must mean thatsomething is wrong with us.
But even the idea that somethingis going wrong, that's just a
story that we're tellingourselves, and it's not a very
supportive one.
Sometimes we tell ourselvesstories that bring us pain, like
something is going wrong.
Like,"Well, my kid would neverdo that," and then they
(12:41):
inevitably do, and then we writeanother story.
We resist it, thinking,"No, thatis not the plot line that I
wrote for their life." And thenwe might even experience grief
and mourning as we resist theirstoryline and their actual plot
line, and that prevents us fromactually seeing all of the
growth that our child isactually gaining because of that
experience, not in spite of it.
(13:03):
They're just entering a newchapter.
They're entering their ownhero's journey, and another
chapter is coming.
Or maybe we tell ourselves,"Oh,I made a huge mistake.
I'm never going to recover." Butmaybe you're just at the
beginning of your own hero'sjourney, and you don't know yet
how you're going to get to whereit is that you're going to go
because you're just focusing somuch on this one page of what's
(13:25):
gone wrong instead of actuallycontinuing the story and seeing
what else might be possible,what else is coming down the
line.
So let's play around with a fewexamples, okay?
So the neutral circumstance isyour husband said,"Oh, we're
having spaghetti again." Now,one story in your head might be,
"Oh, I failed.
He's disappointed in me.
I make spaghetti too often.
(13:46):
I'm not very creative in thekitchen.
My husband probably doesn't likeme anymore." There are endless
numbers of stories that youcould write about this very
neutral thing.
The husband just said,"Oh, we'rehaving spaghetti again," and
they're not gonna make you feelvery good.
And there's also stories thatcould feel a lot better.
For example, maybe you want totell yourself the story that,
"Yeah, I am so amazing at savingtime by making spaghetti on my
(14:08):
busy days." Or maybe you wannatell yourself the story that,
"Ugh, I am so good at savingmoney.
Look at how much money I'vesaved our family by having
spaghetti once a week, and it'seven better that I love
spaghetti with garlic bread.
It's my favorite." Or you mightbe thinking,"Ugh, I'm so glad
that I have a few quick and easygo-to recipes that I can have on
hand when I have crazy days liketoday.
And guess what?
(14:29):
If hubby doesn't like spaghetti,he can have cold cereal.
It's okay." Or I could even tellmy husband,"Hey, Wednesdays from
now on I'm going to be makingspaghetti because that's all
that I have time for.
But if you would like to cook onWednesdays, I really love those
burgers that you make.
So which one would you like,spaghetti or burgers?" But the
stories that we tell ourselvesare going to impact our
relationships and how we feel.
(14:50):
Okay, let's do another one.
The neutral circumstance is thatyour kid didn't get invited to
that party.
Now, again, there are any numberof stories that you could tell
yourself here.
You could tell yourself thestory that,"Those kids are so
mean.
They intentionally left out mykid.
My kid is always left out.
You know what?
And my kid can kind of besocially awkward.
They're probably never going tohave friends." Now, if those are
(15:13):
the stories that you're tellingyourself, how are they going to
make you feel?
How are they going to beimpacting how you show up as a
parent?
How are they going to beimpacting your relationship with
your child?
Now some more supportive storiesmight be,"You know what?
If those friends are choosing toleave my kid out, it's their
loss because my kid is prettyawesome.
And their leaving, that's gonnaopen the door for more
supportive friends to walk in."Or maybe you wanna choose the
(15:36):
story,"You know what?
My kid is gonna be so much moreempathetic and inclusive moving
forward because of thisexperience, because they now
know what it feels like to beleft out." Or maybe you wanna
choose the story,"You know what?
Their invitation, it probablyjust got lost in the mail.
That happens.
It's fine." But again, rememberthat the story that you tell
yourself is going to determinehow you feel.
(15:58):
It's gonna determine how youfeel about you.
It's gonna determine how youfeel about your kid.
It's gonna determine how youfeel about those other kids.
It's gonna determine how youfeel about life in general, so
be more intentional with thestory that you're telling
yourself.
Think about every movie you'veever loved.
More than likely, it was full ofhighs and lows, of wondering
(16:18):
will they or won't they?
It was full of hardship andovercoming hardship, and it is a
joy to see how the hero is goingto overcome their challenges,
and we're there for the wholejourney, right?
We love it.
So why do we assume that our ownstory is over just because we're
currently in the middle of adifficult chapter?
And what might happen if youstarted to imagine yourself as
(16:39):
the hero in your favorite story?
What might happen if you startedto get curious about how you're
going to overcome this?
What might happen if you startto get curious about how it is
that you're going to workthrough this rather than just
being resigned to what currentlyis?
And as I said in the beginning,one of the most fun ways to play
around with this is to writeyour own movie trailer.
(17:00):
If you were going to write amovie trailer for your life,
what would the voiceover say?
Be very intentional about it,and you get bonus points if you
tape this to your bathroommirror, and you practice your
voiceover every morning andevery night.
So what would your voiceoversay?
What if it said something like,"Eva was a struggling artist who
had no idea that at her nextexhibit, everything would
(17:21):
change"?
How might that shift how Evaprepares for that next exhibit?
How might that change the energythat she's putting into her
artwork, the energy that she'sbringing into the exhibit as she
presents her work?
How might that shift everythingfor her if that's what she's
choosing to believe, is thateverything is going to change at
this next exhibit?
(17:41):
Or maybe your trailer soundssomething like,"Sandy thought
that her marriage was over.
Little did she know that she wasjust beginning a new
relationship with the same man."How is that going to shift how
it is that she engages with herhusband?
How might it shift herresignation into optimism and
hope that she can actuallycreate the change that she's
looking for?
How might it help her to thinkabout what it is that she would
(18:03):
like to be different, and howmight it help her to advocate
for those changes?
Or maybe your trailer soundslike,"Fred was about to learn
what a huge difference this onesmall change could have on his
life, and in doing so, histransformation would inspire
many." How might that shiftFred's level of consistency with
that small change over time?
(18:24):
How might that shift his resultswhen it comes to his fitness
journey or building his businessor whatever it is that he's
wanted to show up for moreconsistently?
Or maybe your trailer says,"Katie was about to learn that
the more she fell in love withherself, the more the creeps
would naturally fall away andPrince Charming would find her."
How might that shift how it isthat she thinks about her
current experience with beingsingle?
(18:46):
How might that shift how shefeels about the guys that are
currently pursuing her?
How might that change how shefeels about herself and who it
is that she does and doesn'twanna tolerate when it comes to
who gets to be in her immediatecircle?
Or maybe your trailer says,"Marythought that she would never
recover from that divorce.
Little did she know thateverything was lining up to
create a life more beautifulthan anything that she could
(19:07):
have imagined." How might thathelp Mary to step into her
highest version of herself?
To really get her thinkingabout,"Boy, what kind of a life
do I want to create?
How can I make my life morebeautiful and more amazing?
What is it that I want to startto imagine because it's gonna be
even better than that?" Howwould that support her in her
personal journey?
Or maybe your trailer soundslike,"Jessica was afraid that
(19:29):
she would lose everything if shestood up for herself, but she
was about to discover thatstating boundaries would create
meaningful and authenticrelationships where she felt
loved and respected." How mightthat shift how it is that
Jessica actually feels aboutstanding in her own power, about
actually speaking up about whatshe would and wouldn't tolerate,
about what it was that shewanted in life?
(19:51):
Significant change happens whenyou shift your story from,"Oh
no, who's gonna leave and who'sgonna stay?" into,"My goal is to
show up as my authentic self,and I'm gonna see who that
brings in.
I'm going to see who stays." Itis such a little thing, but it
can have a significant impact onhow it is that we show up in
life.
Your brain is going to keepwriting stories, and some of
(20:12):
those stories are going to beplaying on repeat, so make sure
that it is a story worthretelling.
When you find yourself playingthose stories on repeat, I want
you to question them.
I want you to ask yourself,"Isthis story really serving me?
Is this a storyline that ishelping me to become the best
version of me, or is this storykeeping me small?" Because
(20:33):
here's the thing that I reallywant you to remember, is that
this isn't the whole story.
This is just your currentchapter.
This is one scene.
This is one chapter.
This is one difficultconversation.
This is one season of life, andthe truth is that we don't
actually know what's comingnext.
But the story that we choose totell ourselves is going to
(20:53):
impact our experience movingforward.
So go and pop some popcorn, getyour pen ready, and let's write
your next chapter together.
You get to decide who it is thatyou want to become through this
experience, not in spite of it,but through it.
You get to be the hero.
You get to be the underdog thatwins it all.
You get to decide what is goingto harden you and what is going
(21:15):
to soften you.
You get to decide if you'regoing to be the hero or the
victim in your story.
Notice the stories that you'retelling yourself, and tell
yourself the story that,"Who I'mbecoming through this experience
is pretty amazing." The moreconscious you become of the
stories that you're tellingyourself, the better you can
make your story.
(21:35):
You get to decide,"Okay, I'mgonna add a little plot twist
here.
I'm gonna start to show updifferently.
I'm gonna try this on instead.
I am going to become the hero inmy own story." Now, if you're
currently having writer's blockas you're working to write your
own story, maybe you're a littlebit too well-practiced when it
comes to writing tragedies, andyou want to learn how to
actually write a hero's journeywhere you can step into that
(21:57):
hero energy, then come and workwith me.
Together, we can look at what itis that your brain is wanting to
create and come up with astoryline that is more
supportive for the life that youactually want.
Space is limited for summer, butI do currently have two spots
available for one-on-onecoaching.
You can email me atmaryann@maryannwalker.life to
inquire about working with me.
I would love to be the SamwiseGamgee to your Frodo Baggins.
(22:19):
So check out the show notes tocome and see how to work with
me.
And if you're not quite readyfor one-on-one coaching, I do
also have some free offeringsavailable as well.
I currently have a seven-daychallenge to help you to learn
how to get your needs met.
This is a podcast for recoveringpeople-pleasers.
I know how much you give toother people, so in this free
challenge, then I'm there tocoach you for seven days on how
(22:39):
to help you to get your needsmet and experience more peace in
life.
You are the author of your life,and I cannot wait to see what
you create.
All right, I hope you have agreat week, and let's talk soon.
Bye now
Well, hello and welcome back.
Today we're going to have somefun tapping into the creative
side of our brain, the side ofour brain that says,"What else
is possible?" And we're going todo that through one simple
exercise (00:53):
writing movie trailers.
Now, stick with me on this onebecause I think this is a very
simple but a very powerful idea.
And this is one that's actuallypretty fun to do, so I would not
be surprised if this becomes thenew party game because oh my
goodness, it can just give yousuch a huge insight into
yourself and into other peoplewhen you think about your life
in terms of, what would my movietrailer look like?
(01:14):
So here's how we're gonna play.
Something happens in your life,for example, it's raining on
your wedding day or your dinnergets burned or you receive some
negative feedback from somebody.
When that happens, notice whatis happening in your brain.
Your brain is an amazingstoryteller, but it doesn't
always tell the most accurate ofstories.
I mean, yeah, it's gonna tellyou that,"Oh no, I'm telling the
(01:34):
truth, the whole truth, andnothing but the truth, and you
should believe me." But that'snot actually the truth, right?
It's actually only telling youone possible storyline, and we
know that there are multipleversions of the same story
because everybody has adifferent story even when the
circumstances are the same.
Everybody reacts differently tothe same circumstance.
For example, one person mightburn dinner and burst into
(01:57):
tears, and another person mightburn dinner and burst into
laughter.
It is the same circumstance, butone person made that
circumstance a tragedy while theother one made it a comedy,
right?
So when something happens,notice the storyline that your
brain wants to attach to thatsomething.
Okay?
Those are all the neutralcircumstances.
They do not mean anything untilwe write a story about it.
(02:20):
You are a storyteller whetheryou think you are or not,
whether you think that you're acreative or not, And more than
likely, you've practiced acertain genre of writing for
quite a while now.
You have practiced a certainkind of script, and thinking
that this is the only way thatyour story can end, that might
be what's keeping you stuck.
So here's the game.
Are you ready?
When something happens, thennotice your thoughts about it
(02:42):
and then repeat it back likeyou're narrating a movie
trailer.
So for example, let's say it'snow 8:00 PM, and you're brushing
your teeth, and you notice thatyou have a poppy seed that's
stuck in your teeth.
And so when this happens,notice,"Okay, what is my
narrator saying?
I know that I have a poppy seedin my teeth.
The last time I ate poppy seedswas for lunch.
What's my narrator saying?" Somaybe the narrator in your head
(03:02):
is saying something like,"MaryAnn went the entire day not
noticing this seed, and none ofher supposed friends told her
that it was there.
Maybe she doesn't have friendsafter all." Right?
That's a total downer of astory, right?
But a more supportive storymight be,"Nothing keeps this
girl down.
Even when a poppy seed has beenher companion for an entire day,
then she's able to laugh aboutit, floss it out, and move on."
(03:24):
And it's not just poppy seedsthat she doesn't let get her
down, right?
Okay, also as a side note forpoppy seeds, I did have to look
at my teeth before recording.
I had some everything bagelbagel chips for lunch, and oh my
goodness, they were so good, butthen they've got all the seeds
in them, right?
Sesame seeds and poppy seeds.
But then, do you wanna know whatmy honest to goodness thought
was before recording?
I mean, yes, I did check in themirror to make sure I didn't
(03:44):
have poppy seeds, but I thought,"You know what?
Worst case scenario, I do have apoppy seed in my teeth, and then
this'll be the video that takesoff." It seems like the videos
that have the most engagementare the ones where something's
wrong and people just can't lookaway.
So it wouldn't actually be theworst case scenario, right?
So anyway, that's just one otherstory for that poppy seed.
Or maybe, for example, yourneighbor says,"Oh, you got a
(04:06):
haircut," and your brain wantsto immediately write a story.
So one story might be,"Oh,MaryAnn shouldn't have changed
stylists.
Oh, that was a big mistake.
How embarrassing.
She looks terrible." Or maybethe story is,"Oh, wow, people
can't help but comment about mygood look.
Oh, doesn't it look amazing?
I'm so glad that I found thatstylist that's good with curly
hair." Right?
(04:27):
You get to decide what story youwant to assign to that neutral
circumstance of somebody saying,"Oh, you got a haircut." Also,
I'm just gonna say, it's apersonal pet peeve of mine when
people make a statement insteadof a compliment, so pretty
please to my listeners, ifyou've noticed that somebody's
cut their hair, instead ofsaying,"Oh, you got a haircut,"
please tell them how great theylook.
(04:47):
But even if they don't tell youhow great you look, you can
write a good story in your head.
Now, if your brain has evertaken a five-second interaction
and then turned it into atwo-hour-long docuseries, then
you're in good company.
All of us are amazing writers,and while the brain wants to
convince us that,"Oh, no, mybrain, nope, I'm just thinking
over here.
I'm just telling you the facts,"it's not just telling you the
(05:08):
facts.
It's writing a story, and it'sassigning meaning even when it
doesn't necessarily need to.
And the stories that it'swriting are not always helpful.
In fact, sometimes the brain, itwants to keep rereading the same
sad page or the same depressingchapter over and over and over
again.
But really, the truth is that weare all on our own hero's
(05:28):
journey.
That means we're going to havehighs, and we're going to have
lows.
And we get to keep movingforward instead of getting hung
up on that one negative plotline So imagine for just a
moment that you walked into amovie theater and you sat down,
the movie's halfway through, andyou don't know the characters,
you don't know what's comingnext, but you assume that since
you sat down and watched fiveminutes of that movie, that you
(05:51):
knew everything about it, right?
You knew what kind of a moviethis was.
But the thing is, the fiveminutes that you sat down for,
it was the part in the hero'sjourney where the hero is really
struggling.
Things aren't going well.
They feel so lost and soabandoned and so afraid.
They don't know how it is thatthey're going to get out of
this.
Now, if that's the only part ofthe movie that you see and then
you walk out, you're going tohave a very different perception
(06:13):
of that movie, right?
So when you get out of thatmovie, you might go and talk to
your friends about it and say,"Oh yeah, I saw that movie.
Ooh, it is so depressing.
I didn't like it at all." Andyour friends might respond with,
"Wait, what?
No, it was such an inspiringmovie.
I can't believe you said it wasdepressing.
It brought me so much hope andso much encouragement.
It was such a feel-good movie.
I wish you would've sat throughthe whole thing so that you
(06:35):
could've seen how it endedbecause, oh, it was so good." So
they had a very differentexperience of that film because
they were willing to sit with itand to just watch the hardship
happen.
They were able to wait in hopeas to what was coming next.
They were willing to hold ontothe hope that things are gonna
turn around in this film.
Things are going to get better.
(06:56):
The hero's going to be okay.
They're going to come out ontop.
And oftentimes this is whatwe're doing with our own lives.
We're focusing on and replayingthe same sad scene.
We are reliving the same role ofvictimhood in our own personal
stories instead of allowingourselves to sit in the hope and
the possibility of,"Wow, Iwonder who it is that I'm going
(07:16):
to become through thisexperience.
I wonder how things are going toturn around for me.
I wonder how I could be my ownhero in this story." The brain,
it craves certainty, and thebrain, it also wants to be right
even more than it wants to behappy.
So if you're thinking thoughtslike,"Well, I guess this is just
my life now.
I'm just going to die sad andalone," then guess what?
(07:39):
Your brain is going to startlooking for all of the reasons
why that's true, even thoughit's not necessarily true.
But the more evidence your brainshows you that what you're
thinking is true, the morelikely it is that you're going
to believe that story.
But think about all of themovies that you've watched, all
the books that you've read,where there's a plot twist and
things absolutely turn around.
(07:59):
You can do that too.
So ask yourself, the story thatI'm writing, what kind of a life
is that gonna be creating forme?
And is that the life that Iwant?
The truth is that negativestorylines, they actually come
really easily to the brainbecause the brain has a built-in
negativity bias, and this isactually a safety mechanism.
The brain believes if I can justpredict and prepare for the
(08:21):
worst case scenario, then I willbe okay.
And yes, it is totally fine tothink about and prepare for the
worst case scenario.
Definitely be prepared.
But when you get stuck in thatloop and stuck thinking that,
"Okay, I am now living in theworst case scenario," it's gonna
be really hard for you to justbe in the present.
It's gonna be hard for you tolook for what else might be
(08:42):
possible because you'rereinforcing that one storyline.
Your brain is attempting toprotect you with this plot line.
It is trying to save you fromrejection.
It's trying to save you fromembarrassment or disappointment
or failure or loss.
And it does this by making upstories.
Because even negative stories,they can feel really empowering
because they're giving us somekind of an explanation.
(09:04):
They're saying,"Oh yeah, I canunderstand why I'm the victim
here.
It's because everybody else isso hard on me.
I'm the victim of circumstance.
Everything goes wrong for me.
That's my role.
That's my storyline.
This is true," and we tend tocling to it.
And part of us feels really goodpracticing that because it gives
us some explanation for why itis that we're feeling so
miserable.
But our built-in negativitybias, it's naturally going to
(09:27):
make it easier to write storiesof victimization rather than the
beautiful, heartfelt Hallmarkscripts, right?
So it does take some effort, andit takes some practice to see
what else might be true becausewe do have that negativity bias,
but it is absolutely worth thepractice.
So for example, that poppy seedthat's been in there since
lunchtime.
(09:47):
What story are you writing?
Are you writing a story thatsays,"Ugh, I am such a doofus.
That is so embarrassing.
I am mortified.
I can't believe that nobody toldme.
They're so mean to me, and theyjust let me go around all day
with this poppy seed in myteeth.
I'm so embarrassed"?
Or maybe you're writing a storythat,"Oh, I have a poppy seed in
my teeth.
That's so funny because I knowthat every single person who has
(10:09):
ever eaten a poppy seed ever hasprobably got it stuck right in
the front of their teeth, andit's fine.
It just makes me human.
People are gonna think I'mrelatable because of this poppy
seed, and it comes out so easilywith floss.
It's not a big deal.
I'm not gonna be overthinkingthis tonight.
I'm gonna sleep so great." Sonotice the stories that you're
telling yourself, and getcreative as you work to write a
(10:30):
new story because you do notneed to stay up all night
recycling that same tragicchapter.
When you accidentally tell theinsurance guy,"Bye, I love you,"
before getting off the phonebecause you were just talking to
your fiance, what story are yougoing to write about it?
Do you wanna make it into acomedy and maybe tell yourself
the story that,"Oh, my gosh,that was so funny.
I bet it totally made that guy'sday.
(10:52):
He's gonna be telling all of hiscoworkers about it.
That is just hilarious." Or areyou going to write a story about
self-humiliation?
"Oh, that is so embarrassing.
I'm so embarrassed.
I'm so inadequate.
I'm such a goober.
My fiance should be ashamed ofme." The thoughts that you are
thinking, the stories that youare writing in your head, they
(11:12):
are what create our emotionalexperience with life.
So why not write a story thatmakes you feel a little bit
better?
When you go into a movietheater, then you know that
you're going to experience thefull range of human emotions.
In fact, that is what makes agood storyline.
You also know that more thanlikely the hero is going to
overcome their hardship.
They're going to find love.
(11:33):
They're gonna solve the case.
They're gonna land the job.
They're gonna get thesuperpowers, right?
You just aren't quite sure howthey're going to get there yet,
but you're rooting for the hero.
You're rooting for the underdog,and you have that hope that,
yeah, they're gonna make itthrough.
I can't wait to see what's goingto happen next.
Nobody's going to go into amovie or read a book where
nothing goes wrong or wherenothing actually happens.
(11:56):
I mean, I guess that some peopledo.
My mom actually enjoys a podcastwhere they tell stories where
nothing really happens, and theintent of that podcast is to
help people sleep But generallyspeaking, humans want to
experience the full range oftheir emotions.
But for some reason, we expectthat in our own personal lives,
we're only allowed to feelpositive emotions.
(12:18):
And if we're not onlyexperiencing those positive
emotions, it must mean thatsomething is wrong with us.
But even the idea that somethingis going wrong, that's just a
story that we're tellingourselves, and it's not a very
supportive one.
Sometimes we tell ourselvesstories that bring us pain, like
something is going wrong.
Like,"Well, my kid would neverdo that," and then they
(12:41):
inevitably do, and then we writeanother story.
We resist it, thinking,"No, thatis not the plot line that I
wrote for their life." And thenwe might even experience grief
and mourning as we resist theirstoryline and their actual plot
line, and that prevents us fromactually seeing all of the
growth that our child isactually gaining because of that
experience, not in spite of it.
(13:03):
They're just entering a newchapter.
They're entering their ownhero's journey, and another
chapter is coming.
Or maybe we tell ourselves,"Oh,I made a huge mistake.
I'm never going to recover." Butmaybe you're just at the
beginning of your own hero'sjourney, and you don't know yet
how you're going to get to whereit is that you're going to go
because you're just focusing somuch on this one page of what's
(13:25):
gone wrong instead of actuallycontinuing the story and seeing
what else might be possible,what else is coming down the
line.
So let's play around with a fewexamples, okay?
So the neutral circumstance isyour husband said,"Oh, we're
having spaghetti again." Now,one story in your head might be,
"Oh, I failed.
He's disappointed in me.
I make spaghetti too often.
(13:46):
I'm not very creative in thekitchen.
My husband probably doesn't likeme anymore." There are endless
numbers of stories that youcould write about this very
neutral thing.
The husband just said,"Oh, we'rehaving spaghetti again," and
they're not gonna make you feelvery good.
And there's also stories thatcould feel a lot better.
For example, maybe you want totell yourself the story that,
"Yeah, I am so amazing at savingtime by making spaghetti on my
(14:08):
busy days." Or maybe you wannatell yourself the story that,
"Ugh, I am so good at savingmoney.
Look at how much money I'vesaved our family by having
spaghetti once a week, and it'seven better that I love
spaghetti with garlic bread.
It's my favorite." Or you mightbe thinking,"Ugh, I'm so glad
that I have a few quick and easygo-to recipes that I can have on
hand when I have crazy days liketoday.
And guess what?
(14:29):
If hubby doesn't like spaghetti,he can have cold cereal.
It's okay." Or I could even tellmy husband,"Hey, Wednesdays from
now on I'm going to be makingspaghetti because that's all
that I have time for.
But if you would like to cook onWednesdays, I really love those
burgers that you make.
So which one would you like,spaghetti or burgers?" But the
stories that we tell ourselvesare going to impact our
relationships and how we feel.
(14:50):
Okay, let's do another one.
The neutral circumstance is thatyour kid didn't get invited to
that party.
Now, again, there are any numberof stories that you could tell
yourself here.
You could tell yourself thestory that,"Those kids are so
mean.
They intentionally left out mykid.
My kid is always left out.
You know what?
And my kid can kind of besocially awkward.
They're probably never going tohave friends." Now, if those are
(15:13):
the stories that you're tellingyourself, how are they going to
make you feel?
How are they going to beimpacting how you show up as a
parent?
How are they going to beimpacting your relationship with
your child?
Now some more supportive storiesmight be,"You know what?
If those friends are choosing toleave my kid out, it's their
loss because my kid is prettyawesome.
And their leaving, that's gonnaopen the door for more
supportive friends to walk in."Or maybe you wanna choose the
(15:36):
story,"You know what?
My kid is gonna be so much moreempathetic and inclusive moving
forward because of thisexperience, because they now
know what it feels like to beleft out." Or maybe you wanna
choose the story,"You know what?
Their invitation, it probablyjust got lost in the mail.
That happens.
It's fine." But again, rememberthat the story that you tell
yourself is going to determinehow you feel.
(15:58):
It's gonna determine how youfeel about you.
It's gonna determine how youfeel about your kid.
It's gonna determine how youfeel about those other kids.
It's gonna determine how youfeel about life in general, so
be more intentional with thestory that you're telling
yourself.
Think about every movie you'veever loved.
More than likely, it was full ofhighs and lows, of wondering
(16:18):
will they or won't they?
It was full of hardship andovercoming hardship, and it is a
joy to see how the hero is goingto overcome their challenges,
and we're there for the wholejourney, right?
We love it.
So why do we assume that our ownstory is over just because we're
currently in the middle of adifficult chapter?
And what might happen if youstarted to imagine yourself as
(16:39):
the hero in your favorite story?
What might happen if you startedto get curious about how you're
going to overcome this?
What might happen if you startto get curious about how it is
that you're going to workthrough this rather than just
being resigned to what currentlyis?
And as I said in the beginning,one of the most fun ways to play
around with this is to writeyour own movie trailer.
(17:00):
If you were going to write amovie trailer for your life,
what would the voiceover say?
Be very intentional about it,and you get bonus points if you
tape this to your bathroommirror, and you practice your
voiceover every morning andevery night.
So what would your voiceoversay?
What if it said something like,"Eva was a struggling artist who
had no idea that at her nextexhibit, everything would
(17:21):
change"?
How might that shift how Evaprepares for that next exhibit?
How might that change the energythat she's putting into her
artwork, the energy that she'sbringing into the exhibit as she
presents her work?
How might that shift everythingfor her if that's what she's
choosing to believe, is thateverything is going to change at
this next exhibit?
(17:41):
Or maybe your trailer soundssomething like,"Sandy thought
that her marriage was over.
Little did she know that she wasjust beginning a new
relationship with the same man."How is that going to shift how
it is that she engages with herhusband?
How might it shift herresignation into optimism and
hope that she can actuallycreate the change that she's
looking for?
How might it help her to thinkabout what it is that she would
(18:03):
like to be different, and howmight it help her to advocate
for those changes?
Or maybe your trailer soundslike,"Fred was about to learn
what a huge difference this onesmall change could have on his
life, and in doing so, histransformation would inspire
many." How might that shiftFred's level of consistency with
that small change over time?
(18:24):
How might that shift his resultswhen it comes to his fitness
journey or building his businessor whatever it is that he's
wanted to show up for moreconsistently?
Or maybe your trailer says,"Katie was about to learn that
the more she fell in love withherself, the more the creeps
would naturally fall away andPrince Charming would find her."
How might that shift how it isthat she thinks about her
current experience with beingsingle?
(18:46):
How might that shift how shefeels about the guys that are
currently pursuing her?
How might that change how shefeels about herself and who it
is that she does and doesn'twanna tolerate when it comes to
who gets to be in her immediatecircle?
Or maybe your trailer says,"Marythought that she would never
recover from that divorce.
Little did she know thateverything was lining up to
create a life more beautifulthan anything that she could
(19:07):
have imagined." How might thathelp Mary to step into her
highest version of herself?
To really get her thinkingabout,"Boy, what kind of a life
do I want to create?
How can I make my life morebeautiful and more amazing?
What is it that I want to startto imagine because it's gonna be
even better than that?" Howwould that support her in her
personal journey?
Or maybe your trailer soundslike,"Jessica was afraid that
(19:29):
she would lose everything if shestood up for herself, but she
was about to discover thatstating boundaries would create
meaningful and authenticrelationships where she felt
loved and respected." How mightthat shift how it is that
Jessica actually feels aboutstanding in her own power, about
actually speaking up about whatshe would and wouldn't tolerate,
about what it was that shewanted in life?
(19:51):
Significant change happens whenyou shift your story from,"Oh
no, who's gonna leave and who'sgonna stay?" into,"My goal is to
show up as my authentic self,and I'm gonna see who that
brings in.
I'm going to see who stays." Itis such a little thing, but it
can have a significant impact onhow it is that we show up in
life.
Your brain is going to keepwriting stories, and some of
(20:12):
those stories are going to beplaying on repeat, so make sure
that it is a story worthretelling.
When you find yourself playingthose stories on repeat, I want
you to question them.
I want you to ask yourself,"Isthis story really serving me?
Is this a storyline that ishelping me to become the best
version of me, or is this storykeeping me small?" Because
(20:33):
here's the thing that I reallywant you to remember, is that
this isn't the whole story.
This is just your currentchapter.
This is one scene.
This is one chapter.
This is one difficultconversation.
This is one season of life, andthe truth is that we don't
actually know what's comingnext.
But the story that we choose totell ourselves is going to
(20:53):
impact our experience movingforward.
So go and pop some popcorn, getyour pen ready, and let's write
your next chapter together.
You get to decide who it is thatyou want to become through this
experience, not in spite of it,but through it.
You get to be the hero.
You get to be the underdog thatwins it all.
You get to decide what is goingto harden you and what is going
(21:15):
to soften you.
You get to decide if you'regoing to be the hero or the
victim in your story.
Notice the stories that you'retelling yourself, and tell
yourself the story that,"Who I'mbecoming through this experience
is pretty amazing." The moreconscious you become of the
stories that you're tellingyourself, the better you can
make your story.
(21:35):
You get to decide,"Okay, I'mgonna add a little plot twist
here.
I'm gonna start to show updifferently.
I'm gonna try this on instead.
I am going to become the hero inmy own story." Now, if you're
currently having writer's blockas you're working to write your
own story, maybe you're a littlebit too well-practiced when it
comes to writing tragedies, andyou want to learn how to
actually write a hero's journeywhere you can step into that
(21:57):
hero energy, then come and workwith me.
Together, we can look at what itis that your brain is wanting to
create and come up with astoryline that is more
supportive for the life that youactually want.
Space is limited for summer, butI do currently have two spots
available for one-on-onecoaching.
You can email me atmaryann@maryannwalker.life to
inquire about working with me.
I would love to be the SamwiseGamgee to your Frodo Baggins.
(22:19):
So check out the show notes tocome and see how to work with
me.
And if you're not quite readyfor one-on-one coaching, I do
also have some free offeringsavailable as well.
I currently have a seven-daychallenge to help you to learn
how to get your needs met.
This is a podcast for recoveringpeople-pleasers.
I know how much you give toother people, so in this free
challenge, then I'm there tocoach you for seven days on how
(22:39):
to help you to get your needsmet and experience more peace in
life.
You are the author of your life,and I cannot wait to see what
you create.
All right, I hope you have agreat week, and let's talk soon.
Bye now
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