July 16, 2026 • 16 mins
Am I a People Pleaser? 8 Questions to Help You Find Out
You love helping others. You want people to feel seen, supported, and cared for. But when does kindness cross the line into people-pleasing?
In this episode, I'm sharing eight powerful questions to help you identify whether your generosity comes from a place of authenticity—or from fear, guilt, or the need for approval. These questions aren't meant to judge you. They're designed to help you become more aware of the patterns that may be keeping you stuck so you can begin creating healthier, more balanced relationships.
The 8 Questions to Ask Yourself
1. Am I willing to ask for what I need?
If you rarely express your needs and hope others will simply notice them, you may be unintentionally setting yourself up for disappointment.
2. Do my relationships feel balanced?
Healthy relationships involve both giving and receiving, not one person constantly pouring while the other only takes.
3. Am I loved for who I am or for what I do?
If your value feels tied to being the helper, fixer, or caretaker, it may be time to reconnect with your identity beyond those roles.
4. Am I constantly trying to prove myself?
People-pleasing is often fueled by the belief that you're either "too much" or "not enough," leaving you exhausted trying to earn your worth.
5. Do I feel responsible for other people's emotions?
Caring about someone's feelings is different from believing it's your job to keep everyone happy.
6. Am I uncomfortable having needs?
When you believe your needs are a burden, you begin shrinking yourself instead of allowing yourself to be fully seen.
7. Am I avoiding an important conversation?
Fear of conflict often keeps people-pleasers silent, even when speaking up could strengthen the relationship.
8. Have I lost myself along the way?
When you've spent years becoming who everyone else needs you to be, it can become difficult to remember who you are.
Challenge for the Week
Take a few minutes to honestly answer each of these questions. Which one resonated with you the most? Rather than criticizing yourself, simply become curious. Awareness is the first step toward lasting change.
Mentioned in This Episode
- Episode 123: The Three Types of Empathizers https://www.buzzsprout.com/2028767/episodes/15657456
- Free 7-Day How to Get Your Needs Met Challengehttps://maryannwalker-life.kit.com/cdf81f07e6
Coming Next Week
If three or more of these questions resonated with you, don't miss next week's episode. I'll be introducing a brand-new coaching program designed to help you stop people-pleasing, reconnect with yourself, and create healthier relationships. I'll also be opening just 10 spots for women who are ready to create lasting transformation.
If this episode encouraged you, please leave a rating and review, and share it with someone who needs this reminder today.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 2 (00:42):
Well, hello and welcome back.
Now, one of the most commonquestions that I get asked is,
"MaryAnn, am I actually a peoplepleaser?
I've been listening for a whilenow, and, you know, a lot of
things resonate, but I'm notsure if I'm a people pleaser or
not.
And honestly, I'm not sure ifthat's a bad thing or not.
Isn't it a nice thing to do forother people to make other
people happy?
(01:02):
Can you clarify that for me?"And so today we're going to be
talking about eight questions toask yourself or eight patterns
that might be showing up for youto let you know if people
pleasing is a problem for you.
Because yes, for some people, itjust feels so good to show up in
love and kindness, and it feelsamazing, and that's its own
reward.
But for other people, when thesepatterns start to sneak in, then
(01:23):
it's time to do a little bit ofa self-assessment to see if it's
time to put in any boundaries orto kind of rework how you're
showing up in life.
So as you're listening, as Ishare these eight things, I want
you to really pay attention andkind of keep a mental note as to
how many of these resonate withyou.
Because at the end of today'sepisode, I'm going to let you
know about something I'm rollingout that I am super excited
(01:43):
about that can help you to workthrough these patterns.
So question number one (01:46):
Are you willing to ask for what it is
that you need?
maybe you're somebody that knowsthat you have needs, but you
kind of struggle to vocalizethem.
Or maybe you think,"Well, youknow what?
I think other people should justkind of notice that I have needs
and then fulfill them.
I shouldn't have to ask." Ormaybe you're starting to feel
kind of a little bit confused orneglected when your needs aren't
(02:07):
met in relationship becauseyou're showing up so well.
You tend to think,"But I'mshowing up so well for them.
I've already modeled how it isthat I want them to show up for
me.
Why aren't they doing it?" ifthis is you, I want you to ask
yourself,"How willing am I toask for what it is that I need
in a relationship?" It is reallyeasy to assume that everybody
(02:27):
notices other people in the sameway that we do.
But I will say that the majorityof my listeners are highly
sensitive people, and some areeven empaths.
Considering that only 15 to 30%of the population are highly
sensitive people, and only oneto 2% are empaths, then I think
it's safe to say that your levelof sensitivity is pretty
(02:48):
different from the other peoplethat you're in relationship
with.
You are incredibly perceptive.
You notice people's facialexpressions.
You notice when their tone ofvoice changes.
You notice how the energy shiftswhen somebody says something or
when somebody else walks intothe room.
But not everybody experiencesthe world in that way.
You are simply more aware ofother people than they are of
(03:10):
you.
And so, yeah, it is easy toassume that other people should
respond in the same way that wedo, or be as sensitive to
microexpressions, be assensitive to our emotions, be as
sensitive to our needs as we areto theirs.
..But the majority of thepopulation, they really need
things explained to them.
I mean, yes, if you are blessedenough to be in a relationship
with another highly sensitiveperson or an empath, it is
(03:33):
highly likely that your needsare also getting met in a
relationship.
But if you are in a relationshipwith the roughly 80% of the
population that isn't assensitive, then you might
actually be putting yourfriends, your family, your
partner at a disadvantage by notspeaking up, by not telling them
what it is that you need in arelationship because they simply
(03:53):
aren't as sensitive, and theyjust don't know.
Now, if you would like to learnmore about the three different
types of empathizers, so that'sempaths, highly sensitive
people, and cognitiveempathizers, then come and check
out episode 123.
I will be linking it in the shownotes.
But for today, just rememberthat if your needs are remaining
silent in your head, if you'renever giving voice to what it is
(04:14):
that you need, then your needsare rarely going to get met.
So a good question to askyourself here is: Where in my
life am I waiting to be askedwhat it is that I need instead
of volunteering what it is thatI need?
All right, question number two: Do your relationships feel out (04:27):
undefined
of balance?
Now, in this segment, I'm gonnabe talking specifically about
the giver-taker dynamic, okay?
So this is where one person isalways giving, and the other
person is always taking.
And in the beginning, it feelsso good, and even the taker is
probably gonna say,"Wow, I havenever been poured into as much
as I've been poured into by you.
(04:48):
This feels so amazing." Andyou're getting that praise, and
you're getting that validation,and it feels so good.
But over time, you might beginto notice that, huh, this is
very lopsided.
I don't have anything coming infor me.
And then you might be feelinglike you have an empty bucket.
Now, let's imagine for a momentthat you have an entire bucket
of tennis balls and you wanna goplay with a friend at a park.
(05:09):
So you call them up and you say,"Hey, I have a whole bucket of
balls.
Do you wanna go play with me?"And they say,"Oh yeah, that
sounds like so much fun." So yougo to the park and you start
throwing balls over that net.
And, you know, none of the ballsare coming back, but you're
kinda making up excuses forthem.
You're thinking,"Oh, well,they're just new to this.
They don't know how to play.
They're still figuring it out.
After they watch me do thisenough, then they'll start to
return the balls and it's goingto be okay." But over time, you
(05:33):
notice that your bucket, it'sbecoming more and more empty.
The balls aren't coming back.
And maybe at this point you evenask them about it.
You say,"Hey, I'm running low onballs.
Do you think you could send someback?" And if you're in a
relationship with a true taker,then their reply might sound
something like,"Hey, you're theone that invited me here to
play.
If you wanna continue to play,you better get more balls,'cause
(05:54):
you told me that you were gonnashow up with the balls, and now
you want me to throw them backto you?
It's starting to seem like thisis tit for tat.
You only invited me here so thatI would send balls back to you."
And you're trying to explainthat that's not the case, but
the balls aren't coming back,and soon it's literally game
over.
You have nothing left to go backover the net.
(06:15):
And this is true of ourrelationships as well.
Healthy relationships, theyrequire an exchange.
If all the balls are on one sideof the court, it's not a game
anymore, and it's not fun.
And no, it doesn't need to beperfectly balanced.
You know, there's always goingto be an imbalance when it comes
to how many balls are on whichside of the net, but there
(06:36):
should be something coming backin every now and then so that
you can also have your bucketfilled.
So maybe for you, the imbalanceis showing up as emotional
labor, where you're alwaysholding space for them, but they
don't seem to have the capacityto hold space for you.
Or maybe you're always the oneinitiating getting together,
initiating phone calls, birthdaycelebrations, and that's not
(06:56):
being reciprocated.
Or maybe you're the one alwaysdoing the checking in and
they're never checking in onyou.
Now imbalance, it happens forall kinds of reasons, and it's
good to be sensitive about that,that sometimes people just don't
have the capacity.
But sometimes we're feelingdepleted because of our own
over-giving.
And sometimes it's because theother person, they're unaware of
(07:17):
our needs, and also sometimes,yes, it's because they're
unwilling or unable to returnany balls.
And that's just important foryou to note, okay?
But, uh, what I want you to knowis that making requests for what
it is that you need in arelationship, that that can make
all the difference.
It's going to make itsignificantly more likely for
your needs to get met if you'rewilling to give voice to what it
is that you need.
(07:38):
All right, question numberthree.
Do you feel loved for who youare in a relationship, or do you
feel loved for what it is thatyou do in a relationship?
In other words, if I were to askyou,"Okay, how would you
describe your role inrelationship?" What would you
say?
Would you tell me,"Oh, I'm thecaregiver.
I'm the mediator.
I'm the unpaid coach ortherapist"?
(07:58):
If so, then just ask yourself,"Okay, if I stop performing that
role, who would I be?" Becauseyes, it is wonderful to
contribute in relationship, andit can feel so rewarding to be
able to fulfill that role forother people.
But if you feel like all thatyou are is this role in a
relationship, and you're noteven sure who it is that you are
outside of that role anymore,it's time for some coaching.
(08:21):
For many people, then each stageof life, it requires a little
bit of a reassessment.
So for example, when you haveyoung kids at home, then you're
probably taking on the role ofdoctor, chauffeur, chef,
therapist, educator,housekeeper, and so much more.
And when those roles take up somuch of your time and energy,
then it can be hard to rememberwho it is that you are outside
(08:44):
of those roles.
And then once the kids leave thenest, then it often creates a
little bit of an identitycrisis, all right?
And what I've noticed a lot isfor many people, because they
fulfilled those roles for theirchildren and the kids are now
gone, now they're trying to,since that's how they've
identified, they're trying tofulfill those roles for other
people.
But it's also creating thoseout-of-balance relationships.
(09:05):
You are so much more than whatit is that you do for other
people.
And if you need help discoveringwho you are outside of those
roles, then please come and workwith me or another coach.
Question number four, do youfeel like you're constantly
trying to prove yourself?
Now, proving yourself, itgenerally comes from one of two
thoughts.
It either comes from I'm notenough or I'm too much, and
(09:27):
often we're kind of ping-pongingbetween both of those thoughts
simultaneously that can kind ofcreate this impossible double
bind where we're just constantlyproving.
We're trying to toe the line sothat we're exactly in the
middle, and we're not too much,and we're not enough.
But that is so exhausting.
And maybe you've even receivedthis messaging from other people
along the way.
They're either too much or notenough.
(09:47):
Maybe they've explicitly toldyou,"Hey, you're not showing up
well enough.
You're not giving enough.
You're not sacrificing enough.
You're not helpful enough.
You're too needy.
You're too demanding.
You're too emotional.
Your expectations are too high."Maybe other people have
explicitly told you that.
But what I find even more commonis people are telling themselves
that.
(10:07):
They're making thatself-judgment.
They're constantly trying toprove to themselves that they're
just right.
So they spend their whole lifetrying to walk that balance beam
of not being too much and notbeing not enough, and stay in
that exact little three-inchsquare of perfectness, and
that's just not realisticQuestion number five: Do you
feel personally responsible forother people's emotions?
(10:30):
Now, this is where thehypervigilance shows up.
Are you hypersensitive to otherpeople's emotional experiences,
and do you feel personallyresponsible for helping them to
feel better?
This can show up in all sorts ofways.
I know we've talked about itmultiple times here on the
podcast.
But notice if you feel yourselfexperiencing dysregulation
because someone else is havingan emotion.
Often, when you feel responsiblefor other people's emotions,
(10:52):
it's because you're trying tonegate responsibility for your
own emotions.
You have this belief that if Ican just control everybody else,
if I can just make sure everyoneelse is happy, then I can be
happy.
Then I can relax.
But this comes through thathypervigilance of, oh, I'm gonna
make my own personal wellnessconditional upon everyone around
(11:12):
me being okay, and that's no wayto live.
In fact, it is prettyexhausting.
So ask yourself,"What emotionsam I currently carrying, and are
they mine to carry?
Or am I robbing someone else oflearning how to navigate their
own emotional experience?"Question number six: Are you
uncomfortable having needs?
(11:33):
Now, I get it.
This one's pretty similar toasking for needs, but are you
someone who is willing toacknowledge that you have needs,
or do you try to kind of hidethat about yourself?
Very often, then people, theytend to hold themselves to a
different standard as everyoneelse.
They think,"Well, it's okay forthem to have needs, but I should
be self-reliant.
I should be self-sufficient.
I shouldn't have any problems.
I should be able to navigatethis on my own." And often they
(11:55):
have that belief because theythink,"But I'll be a burden if I
have needs." So they shrinktheir own needs.
They keep themselves small.
And because they've worked sohard to prove that they don't
have needs, then they might evendeny it themselves.
They might not even be awareanymore that they have needs.
But I want you to know that ifyou are a human being on this
planet, you have needs, and yourneeds are valid.
(12:17):
So ask yourself,"In whatrelationships do I have the
belief that simply having needs,it makes me too much for other
people?
And what might happen if Iallowed myself to be seen in
that relationship?" Okay,question number seven.
Is there a conversation that youhave been avoiding?
Am I conflict avoidant?
Okay?
Ask yourself,'cause generallythat's what's happening, is when
(12:38):
you're avoiding a conversation,like you might have a need, a
want, a desire that you want toexpress, but you don't wanna
bring it up generally'causeyou're really conflict avoidant,
all right?
So ask yourself,"Are therethings that I would like to
change about my relationship butI've never actually given voice
to it?" For example, would youlike to have date nights that
are outside of the house insteadof just watching TV at home?
And what's stopping you fromplanning that date?
(13:00):
Would you like to have phonecalls that go in both directions
rather than having it be all onyour shoulders?
And if so, what is stopping youfrom letting them know?
Would you like to readdress thedivision of labor in the home
now that your work schedule haschanged?
And if so, what is getting inthe way of having that
conversation?
Think for a moment about whatone change you would like to
make in your relationships, andthen ask yourself,"Okay, what is
(13:23):
getting in the way of my makingthat change?" Oftentimes it's
fear that's getting in the way,a fear of the very things that
we've talked about today, a fearof being seen as too much, as
too needy, as too inconvenient,as too demanding.
Or it might simply be just afear of the unknown.
That, okay, well, I've nevermade a request in a relationship
before.
I don't know how it's gonna playout.
(13:44):
I don't know if they're gonna beupset.
I don't know if they're gonnasay,"Oh, yeah, that's simple.
Of course, I can fulfill thatfor you." I don't know what's
going to happen, so it's betterfor me to not say anything at
all.
It's better for me to staysmall.
It's better for me to staystuck.
But what if they say yes?
What if you make a request andthey say yes?
What if the change that you'reseeking is actually closer than
(14:04):
you think?
All right, question numbereight: Do you feel like somehow
you've lost yourself along theway?
So maybe you feel like you'velost your spark, you've lost
your passion, you've lost yourcreativity.
Maybe you've spent so much ofyour time being who it is that
you think other people want youto be that you no longer know
who it is that you are.
You've been wearing a mask inrelationships for so long that
(14:26):
you don't even know what it isthat you would like to do for
fun anymore.
It's always,"Oh, whatever youwanna do.
That's fine with me.""Oh, well,where do you wanna go to eat?"
"Oh, I don't care.
Whatever you like is fine." Ifyou feel like you've lost
yourself along the way and ifyou don't know who you are
anymore, you're not alone.
All right, so that's all eight.
Take a minute right now and addthem up in your head.
(14:47):
How many of these resonated withyou?
And if three or more resonated,then I want you to be sure to
listen next week because I'mgoing to be sharing a new
program that's rolling out inAugust, and I think that you'd
be a perfect candidate for thisprogram.
But for today, the questions Iwant you to ask yourself are,
are your relationships workingfor you too?
Are your needs getting met?
(15:08):
Do you feel safe showing upauthentically in a relationship?
Can you ask for what it is thatyou need in a relationship
without feeling guilty?
Because now is the time to startbelieving that your needs matter
too.
Now, if this episode sparkedsomething in you, if you're
ready to finally start gettingyour needs met, again, tune in
next week to learn about my newprogram.
(15:28):
This is going to be limited to10 women and available on a
first-come, first-serve basis.
So if you are ready for change,then make sure that you're one
of the first 10 women to reachout to me.
This program is gonna help youdo 10X the growth that you've
experienced from listeningalone, and I cannot wait to
share more about it with younext week.
And if you just can't wait untilnext week to hear about the
program, then I encourage you tocome and join my free seven-day
(15:52):
How to Get Your Needs Metchallenge.
During this challenge, I'llcoach you through how to finally
start getting your needs met insmall and simple ways that can
create large and lasting change.
So simply click the link in theshow notes to start getting your
needs met today.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
Your giver heart is absolutelybeautiful and amazing, and I'm
so grateful that you chose toshare this space with me.
(16:13):
All right, well, have a greatweek, and I'll see you next
time.
Bye now.
Well, hello and welcome back.
Now, one of the most commonquestions that I get asked is,
"MaryAnn, am I actually a peoplepleaser?
I've been listening for a whilenow, and, you know, a lot of
things resonate, but I'm notsure if I'm a people pleaser or
not.
And honestly, I'm not sure ifthat's a bad thing or not.
Isn't it a nice thing to do forother people to make other
people happy?
(01:02):
Can you clarify that for me?"And so today we're going to be
talking about eight questions toask yourself or eight patterns
that might be showing up for youto let you know if people
pleasing is a problem for you.
Because yes, for some people, itjust feels so good to show up in
love and kindness, and it feelsamazing, and that's its own
reward.
But for other people, when thesepatterns start to sneak in, then
(01:23):
it's time to do a little bit ofa self-assessment to see if it's
time to put in any boundaries orto kind of rework how you're
showing up in life.
So as you're listening, as Ishare these eight things, I want
you to really pay attention andkind of keep a mental note as to
how many of these resonate withyou.
Because at the end of today'sepisode, I'm going to let you
know about something I'm rollingout that I am super excited
(01:43):
about that can help you to workthrough these patterns.
So question number one (01:46):
Are you willing to ask for what it is
that you need?
maybe you're somebody that knowsthat you have needs, but you
kind of struggle to vocalizethem.
Or maybe you think,"Well, youknow what?
I think other people should justkind of notice that I have needs
and then fulfill them.
I shouldn't have to ask." Ormaybe you're starting to feel
kind of a little bit confused orneglected when your needs aren't
(02:07):
met in relationship becauseyou're showing up so well.
You tend to think,"But I'mshowing up so well for them.
I've already modeled how it isthat I want them to show up for
me.
Why aren't they doing it?" ifthis is you, I want you to ask
yourself,"How willing am I toask for what it is that I need
in a relationship?" It is reallyeasy to assume that everybody
(02:27):
notices other people in the sameway that we do.
But I will say that the majorityof my listeners are highly
sensitive people, and some areeven empaths.
Considering that only 15 to 30%of the population are highly
sensitive people, and only oneto 2% are empaths, then I think
it's safe to say that your levelof sensitivity is pretty
(02:48):
different from the other peoplethat you're in relationship
with.
You are incredibly perceptive.
You notice people's facialexpressions.
You notice when their tone ofvoice changes.
You notice how the energy shiftswhen somebody says something or
when somebody else walks intothe room.
But not everybody experiencesthe world in that way.
You are simply more aware ofother people than they are of
(03:10):
you.
And so, yeah, it is easy toassume that other people should
respond in the same way that wedo, or be as sensitive to
microexpressions, be assensitive to our emotions, be as
sensitive to our needs as we areto theirs.
..But the majority of thepopulation, they really need
things explained to them.
I mean, yes, if you are blessedenough to be in a relationship
with another highly sensitiveperson or an empath, it is
(03:33):
highly likely that your needsare also getting met in a
relationship.
But if you are in a relationshipwith the roughly 80% of the
population that isn't assensitive, then you might
actually be putting yourfriends, your family, your
partner at a disadvantage by notspeaking up, by not telling them
what it is that you need in arelationship because they simply
(03:53):
aren't as sensitive, and theyjust don't know.
Now, if you would like to learnmore about the three different
types of empathizers, so that'sempaths, highly sensitive
people, and cognitiveempathizers, then come and check
out episode 123.
I will be linking it in the shownotes.
But for today, just rememberthat if your needs are remaining
silent in your head, if you'renever giving voice to what it is
(04:14):
that you need, then your needsare rarely going to get met.
So a good question to askyourself here is: Where in my
life am I waiting to be askedwhat it is that I need instead
of volunteering what it is thatI need?
All right, question number two: Do your relationships feel out (04:27):
undefined
of balance?
Now, in this segment, I'm gonnabe talking specifically about
the giver-taker dynamic, okay?
So this is where one person isalways giving, and the other
person is always taking.
And in the beginning, it feelsso good, and even the taker is
probably gonna say,"Wow, I havenever been poured into as much
as I've been poured into by you.
(04:48):
This feels so amazing." Andyou're getting that praise, and
you're getting that validation,and it feels so good.
But over time, you might beginto notice that, huh, this is
very lopsided.
I don't have anything coming infor me.
And then you might be feelinglike you have an empty bucket.
Now, let's imagine for a momentthat you have an entire bucket
of tennis balls and you wanna goplay with a friend at a park.
(05:09):
So you call them up and you say,"Hey, I have a whole bucket of
balls.
Do you wanna go play with me?"And they say,"Oh yeah, that
sounds like so much fun." So yougo to the park and you start
throwing balls over that net.
And, you know, none of the ballsare coming back, but you're
kinda making up excuses forthem.
You're thinking,"Oh, well,they're just new to this.
They don't know how to play.
They're still figuring it out.
After they watch me do thisenough, then they'll start to
return the balls and it's goingto be okay." But over time, you
(05:33):
notice that your bucket, it'sbecoming more and more empty.
The balls aren't coming back.
And maybe at this point you evenask them about it.
You say,"Hey, I'm running low onballs.
Do you think you could send someback?" And if you're in a
relationship with a true taker,then their reply might sound
something like,"Hey, you're theone that invited me here to
play.
If you wanna continue to play,you better get more balls,'cause
(05:54):
you told me that you were gonnashow up with the balls, and now
you want me to throw them backto you?
It's starting to seem like thisis tit for tat.
You only invited me here so thatI would send balls back to you."
And you're trying to explainthat that's not the case, but
the balls aren't coming back,and soon it's literally game
over.
You have nothing left to go backover the net.
(06:15):
And this is true of ourrelationships as well.
Healthy relationships, theyrequire an exchange.
If all the balls are on one sideof the court, it's not a game
anymore, and it's not fun.
And no, it doesn't need to beperfectly balanced.
You know, there's always goingto be an imbalance when it comes
to how many balls are on whichside of the net, but there
(06:36):
should be something coming backin every now and then so that
you can also have your bucketfilled.
So maybe for you, the imbalanceis showing up as emotional
labor, where you're alwaysholding space for them, but they
don't seem to have the capacityto hold space for you.
Or maybe you're always the oneinitiating getting together,
initiating phone calls, birthdaycelebrations, and that's not
(06:56):
being reciprocated.
Or maybe you're the one alwaysdoing the checking in and
they're never checking in onyou.
Now imbalance, it happens forall kinds of reasons, and it's
good to be sensitive about that,that sometimes people just don't
have the capacity.
But sometimes we're feelingdepleted because of our own
over-giving.
And sometimes it's because theother person, they're unaware of
(07:17):
our needs, and also sometimes,yes, it's because they're
unwilling or unable to returnany balls.
And that's just important foryou to note, okay?
But, uh, what I want you to knowis that making requests for what
it is that you need in arelationship, that that can make
all the difference.
It's going to make itsignificantly more likely for
your needs to get met if you'rewilling to give voice to what it
is that you need.
(07:38):
All right, question numberthree.
Do you feel loved for who youare in a relationship, or do you
feel loved for what it is thatyou do in a relationship?
In other words, if I were to askyou,"Okay, how would you
describe your role inrelationship?" What would you
say?
Would you tell me,"Oh, I'm thecaregiver.
I'm the mediator.
I'm the unpaid coach ortherapist"?
(07:58):
If so, then just ask yourself,"Okay, if I stop performing that
role, who would I be?" Becauseyes, it is wonderful to
contribute in relationship, andit can feel so rewarding to be
able to fulfill that role forother people.
But if you feel like all thatyou are is this role in a
relationship, and you're noteven sure who it is that you are
outside of that role anymore,it's time for some coaching.
(08:21):
For many people, then each stageof life, it requires a little
bit of a reassessment.
So for example, when you haveyoung kids at home, then you're
probably taking on the role ofdoctor, chauffeur, chef,
therapist, educator,housekeeper, and so much more.
And when those roles take up somuch of your time and energy,
then it can be hard to rememberwho it is that you are outside
(08:44):
of those roles.
And then once the kids leave thenest, then it often creates a
little bit of an identitycrisis, all right?
And what I've noticed a lot isfor many people, because they
fulfilled those roles for theirchildren and the kids are now
gone, now they're trying to,since that's how they've
identified, they're trying tofulfill those roles for other
people.
But it's also creating thoseout-of-balance relationships.
(09:05):
You are so much more than whatit is that you do for other
people.
And if you need help discoveringwho you are outside of those
roles, then please come and workwith me or another coach.
Question number four, do youfeel like you're constantly
trying to prove yourself?
Now, proving yourself, itgenerally comes from one of two
thoughts.
It either comes from I'm notenough or I'm too much, and
(09:27):
often we're kind of ping-pongingbetween both of those thoughts
simultaneously that can kind ofcreate this impossible double
bind where we're just constantlyproving.
We're trying to toe the line sothat we're exactly in the
middle, and we're not too much,and we're not enough.
But that is so exhausting.
And maybe you've even receivedthis messaging from other people
along the way.
They're either too much or notenough.
(09:47):
Maybe they've explicitly toldyou,"Hey, you're not showing up
well enough.
You're not giving enough.
You're not sacrificing enough.
You're not helpful enough.
You're too needy.
You're too demanding.
You're too emotional.
Your expectations are too high."Maybe other people have
explicitly told you that.
But what I find even more commonis people are telling themselves
that.
(10:07):
They're making thatself-judgment.
They're constantly trying toprove to themselves that they're
just right.
So they spend their whole lifetrying to walk that balance beam
of not being too much and notbeing not enough, and stay in
that exact little three-inchsquare of perfectness, and
that's just not realisticQuestion number five: Do you
feel personally responsible forother people's emotions?
(10:30):
Now, this is where thehypervigilance shows up.
Are you hypersensitive to otherpeople's emotional experiences,
and do you feel personallyresponsible for helping them to
feel better?
This can show up in all sorts ofways.
I know we've talked about itmultiple times here on the
podcast.
But notice if you feel yourselfexperiencing dysregulation
because someone else is havingan emotion.
Often, when you feel responsiblefor other people's emotions,
(10:52):
it's because you're trying tonegate responsibility for your
own emotions.
You have this belief that if Ican just control everybody else,
if I can just make sure everyoneelse is happy, then I can be
happy.
Then I can relax.
But this comes through thathypervigilance of, oh, I'm gonna
make my own personal wellnessconditional upon everyone around
(11:12):
me being okay, and that's no wayto live.
In fact, it is prettyexhausting.
So ask yourself,"What emotionsam I currently carrying, and are
they mine to carry?
Or am I robbing someone else oflearning how to navigate their
own emotional experience?"Question number six: Are you
uncomfortable having needs?
(11:33):
Now, I get it.
This one's pretty similar toasking for needs, but are you
someone who is willing toacknowledge that you have needs,
or do you try to kind of hidethat about yourself?
Very often, then people, theytend to hold themselves to a
different standard as everyoneelse.
They think,"Well, it's okay forthem to have needs, but I should
be self-reliant.
I should be self-sufficient.
I shouldn't have any problems.
I should be able to navigatethis on my own." And often they
(11:55):
have that belief because theythink,"But I'll be a burden if I
have needs." So they shrinktheir own needs.
They keep themselves small.
And because they've worked sohard to prove that they don't
have needs, then they might evendeny it themselves.
They might not even be awareanymore that they have needs.
But I want you to know that ifyou are a human being on this
planet, you have needs, and yourneeds are valid.
(12:17):
So ask yourself,"In whatrelationships do I have the
belief that simply having needs,it makes me too much for other
people?
And what might happen if Iallowed myself to be seen in
that relationship?" Okay,question number seven.
Is there a conversation that youhave been avoiding?
Am I conflict avoidant?
Okay?
Ask yourself,'cause generallythat's what's happening, is when
(12:38):
you're avoiding a conversation,like you might have a need, a
want, a desire that you want toexpress, but you don't wanna
bring it up generally'causeyou're really conflict avoidant,
all right?
So ask yourself,"Are therethings that I would like to
change about my relationship butI've never actually given voice
to it?" For example, would youlike to have date nights that
are outside of the house insteadof just watching TV at home?
And what's stopping you fromplanning that date?
(13:00):
Would you like to have phonecalls that go in both directions
rather than having it be all onyour shoulders?
And if so, what is stopping youfrom letting them know?
Would you like to readdress thedivision of labor in the home
now that your work schedule haschanged?
And if so, what is getting inthe way of having that
conversation?
Think for a moment about whatone change you would like to
make in your relationships, andthen ask yourself,"Okay, what is
(13:23):
getting in the way of my makingthat change?" Oftentimes it's
fear that's getting in the way,a fear of the very things that
we've talked about today, a fearof being seen as too much, as
too needy, as too inconvenient,as too demanding.
Or it might simply be just afear of the unknown.
That, okay, well, I've nevermade a request in a relationship
before.
I don't know how it's gonna playout.
(13:44):
I don't know if they're gonna beupset.
I don't know if they're gonnasay,"Oh, yeah, that's simple.
Of course, I can fulfill thatfor you." I don't know what's
going to happen, so it's betterfor me to not say anything at
all.
It's better for me to staysmall.
It's better for me to staystuck.
But what if they say yes?
What if you make a request andthey say yes?
What if the change that you'reseeking is actually closer than
(14:04):
you think?
All right, question numbereight: Do you feel like somehow
you've lost yourself along theway?
So maybe you feel like you'velost your spark, you've lost
your passion, you've lost yourcreativity.
Maybe you've spent so much ofyour time being who it is that
you think other people want youto be that you no longer know
who it is that you are.
You've been wearing a mask inrelationships for so long that
(14:26):
you don't even know what it isthat you would like to do for
fun anymore.
It's always,"Oh, whatever youwanna do.
That's fine with me.""Oh, well,where do you wanna go to eat?"
"Oh, I don't care.
Whatever you like is fine." Ifyou feel like you've lost
yourself along the way and ifyou don't know who you are
anymore, you're not alone.
All right, so that's all eight.
Take a minute right now and addthem up in your head.
(14:47):
How many of these resonated withyou?
And if three or more resonated,then I want you to be sure to
listen next week because I'mgoing to be sharing a new
program that's rolling out inAugust, and I think that you'd
be a perfect candidate for thisprogram.
But for today, the questions Iwant you to ask yourself are,
are your relationships workingfor you too?
Are your needs getting met?
(15:08):
Do you feel safe showing upauthentically in a relationship?
Can you ask for what it is thatyou need in a relationship
without feeling guilty?
Because now is the time to startbelieving that your needs matter
too.
Now, if this episode sparkedsomething in you, if you're
ready to finally start gettingyour needs met, again, tune in
next week to learn about my newprogram.
(15:28):
This is going to be limited to10 women and available on a
first-come, first-serve basis.
So if you are ready for change,then make sure that you're one
of the first 10 women to reachout to me.
This program is gonna help youdo 10X the growth that you've
experienced from listeningalone, and I cannot wait to
share more about it with younext week.
And if you just can't wait untilnext week to hear about the
program, then I encourage you tocome and join my free seven-day
(15:52):
How to Get Your Needs Metchallenge.
During this challenge, I'llcoach you through how to finally
start getting your needs met insmall and simple ways that can
create large and lasting change.
So simply click the link in theshow notes to start getting your
needs met today.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
Your giver heart is absolutelybeautiful and amazing, and I'm
so grateful that you chose toshare this space with me.
(16:13):
All right, well, have a greatweek, and I'll see you next
time.
Bye now.
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