August 6, 2026 • 22 mins
Who has the greatest influence on your life?
Most people have heard the saying, "You are the sum of the five people you spend the most time with." But what if that's not entirely true?
In this episode of Inner Work with MaryAnn Walker, we're exploring a different perspective:
You become the sum of the five people you think about the most.
Whether it's a supportive friend, an ex you can't stop thinking about, a coworker, a family member, or even someone you've never met before, the people occupying your thoughts are shaping your emotions, nervous system, and ultimately your life.
If you've been stuck in rumination, replaying conversations, or allowing one difficult relationship to steal your peace, this episode will help you become more intentional about where your attention goes—and why that changes everything.
In This Episode You'll Learn:
- Why your thoughts reveal who truly has influence over your life.
- How rumination keeps negative relationships emotionally alive.
- The connection between your focus, your nervous system, and your emotional well-being.
- Why your brain naturally gives more attention to negative experiences.
- How to intentionally choose healthier influences.
- Simple ways to shift your focus toward people and experiences that support your growth.
- Why protecting your mental and emotional energy is one of the greatest forms of self-care.
Your Challenge This Week
Take a few minutes to ask yourself:
Who are the five people taking up the most mental and emotional space in my mind?
Then ask yourself:
- Are these the people I want influencing my life?
- How do I feel after thinking about them?
- Who would I rather invite into my mental space?
Choose just one positive influence to intentionally spend time with this week—a trusted friend, mentor, coach, author, podcaster, musician, or someone whose presence leaves you feeling more hopeful, grounded, and empowered.
Ready to Reclaim Your Peace?
If you're tired of overthinking, people-pleasing, or allowing difficult relationships to consume your mental energy, I'd love to support you.
The Self-Reclamation Project is my 12-week private coaching experience designed to help women reconnect with themselves, strengthen healthy boundaries, regulate their nervous systems, and intentionally create a life that feels peaceful, authentic, and fulfilling.
Space is limited to 10 women, and seats will be filled on a first come first served basis. We begin in September.
Visit my website or Email me at maryann@maryannwalker.life to learn more or reserve your spot. https://maryannwalker.life/coaching-packages
Looking for more support? Join my FREE 7 day feel better challenge! https://maryannwalker-life.kit.com/cdf81f07e6
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:42):
Well, hello and welcome back.
Now, you guys, today I have evenmore exciting news for you.
Are you ready?
So I was just recently informedby Apple Podcasts that this
podcast,"Inner Work with MaryAnnWalker," it is now in the top 3%
of podcasts globally.
Um, what?
Yeah, that totally blew my mind.
I also learned that I am ranked23rd in self-improvement in New
(01:05):
Zealand, 44th in Uganda, and Iam in the top 100 for
self-improvement in Ireland.
Crazy, right?
Now, when I first started thispodcast nearly four years ago,
then I just hoped that somebodywould feel helped and supported
by it, that somebody would feelinspired to create change for
themselves and just feel alittle bit more empowered.
(01:27):
I had no idea that it would growinto what it is today.
So thank you so much forallowing me to be a part of your
journey.
Thank you for sharing thispodcast with friends.
Thank you for leaving reviews.
It really does mean so much tome.
So thank you.
Thank you for allowing me to besomebody of influence in your
life.
And that's actually what we'regoing to be talking about today
(01:49):
is who it is that we choose toallow to have influence on us.
And make sure that you listen tothe end because I'm gonna be
sharing about my new programthat starts in September.
But they say that we are all thesum of the five people that we
spend the most time with.
But I believe that we'reactually the sum of the five
people that we allow to have themost influence on us.
So who are the five people thathave the most influence on you?
(02:12):
And did you choose themintentionally or
unintentionally?
How can you tell who it is thathas the most influence on you?
Now, to answer all of thesequestions, it's actually a very,
very simple answer.
Are you ready?
Notice your thoughts.
Notice who takes up the mostmental and emotional energy for
you.
Notice how it is that you feelinside when you think about
them.
(02:33):
Notice how it is that you'reshowing up in life after
spending time with them.
Because yes, there are a lot ofpeople that you actually spend
physical time with and a lot ofit, right?
Like your partner or yourcoworker.
But the people that actuallyhave the most influence on you
are the people that you spendthe most time thinking about.
So notice who it is that you'rethinking about the most, and
(02:56):
then start to notice if theirinfluence is a positive
influence on you or if it's amore negative influence.
Now, some people take uppositive mental space for us.
These are the people that youjust find yourself thinking
about, and you are just smilingfrom ear to ear.
So maybe you're thinking aboutthat really sweet thing that
they said to you or that funnyjoke that they shared.
But they're somebody that whenyou think about them, they just
(03:18):
bring you joy.
Maybe they even offer youencouragement or hope or
possibility when you're having areally hard time.
Now there's other people thatwhen we think about them, they
actually take up negative mentalspace for us.
So when you're thinking aboutthese people, then you might
find yourself thinking aboutthem and then ruminating on the
negative.
And when that's happening, youmight start to notice that you
(03:38):
feel really drained orfrustrated or angry or even
resentful.
So notice that, okay, yes, I amspending a lot of time thinking
about these people, and whetheryou're thinking positive
thoughts about them or negativethoughts about them is
irrelevant.
We like to think that the peoplethat have the most influence on
us are only those positivepeople.
But whether their influence ispositive or negative, the people
(04:00):
that you think about the mostare the ones that you're
choosing to allow to have themost influence on you.
So choose them intentionally andon purpose.
So let me share with you anexample about what this can look
like, okay?
This is an example from mycoaching practice, a super
common example, but maybe itwill sound a little bit familiar
to you.
June had sent a message to afriend, and that friend, they
(04:24):
didn't respond And initiallythen June was okay with this.
She thought,"Okay, well maybethey're just busy." But after an
hour or two had passed, then shefound herself spending time on
social media, and she could seethat this friend was engaging
online.
This friend was engaging withother people.
This friend was engaging withthem, but still hadn't even
acknowledged the text messagethat she had sent.
(04:46):
And so when this happened, thenJune, she did what the majority
of us do.
She started to ruminate on it.
This friend was now taking upall of her mental and emotional
energy.
She started thinking about howinconsiderate this friend was
being.
She was thinking,"Oh, and youknow what?
This isn't the first time.
They always do this to me.
I just can't stand it." And youknow what?
(05:06):
It was even impacting her sleep.
At the end of the day, as she'strying to fall asleep that
night, she was still thinkingabout this friend.
And she was thinking,"Oh, whatam I gonna do when I see'em
next?
I need to come up with a goodgotcha line so that they'll know
that that was really rude andinappropriate." They'll know
that I know that they'reneglecting me personally." And
this was really creating a lotof emotion for her.
(05:28):
So do you see what's actuallyhappening here?
Is June is allowing heractivated nervous system to
determine that, that friend overthere, they're the one that's
going to have the most influenceon me today.
And while there's no way for usto know right now why this
particular person wasn'tresponding, maybe they hadn't
seen the message, maybe their donot disturb was turned on so
they hadn't received anotification, maybe they just
(05:48):
forgot or they got busy, wedon't actually know.
But for June, she was nowinvesting a significant amount
of mental and emotional energyinto thinking about this person.
This person at that momentwasn't showing up well for her,
and she was investing all thisenergy into looking at that
relationship, thinking aboutthat relationship, and really
(06:08):
focusing on the negative here,which was impacting not only
that relationship with thatperson, but her other
relationships as well.
Because do you know what shewasn't doing when she was upset
with this friend?
She wasn't acknowledging all ofthe friends that had showed up
well for her that day, all ofthe friends that had responded,
all of the people that hadencouraged and been a listening
ear for her.
(06:29):
She wasn't paying any attentionto them at all.
Instead, she was choosing toallow this person that hadn't
responded to her text message tohave all of the power over her
for that day and it wasliterally keeping her stuck.
It was keeping her awake atnight.
It was keeping her angry andresentful.
She was unintentionally allowingthat person to be one of the
(06:49):
biggest influences on her life.
She was allowing them toinfluence her mood, her energy,
and her sleep.
But through coaching, then itwas brought to her attention
that she was subconsciouslychoosing this person to be one
of the biggest influences on herlife.
And once it was brought to herconscious awareness, then she
had an opportunity to decide ifshe wanted to continue to allow
(07:11):
them to have that power over heror not.
When she was thinking on purposeabout who it was that she wanted
to spend the most mental energywith, then she started to think
about her book club friends.
She was thinking that,"Oh, youknow what?
I know that we usually only gettogether once a month, but I
love it when we get together.
I feel like those ladies reallyresonate with me, and maybe I
should reach out to one of themand see if they might like to
(07:33):
hang out outside of book club."And when she's doing that, now
she's thinking about the peoplethat she actually feels good
thinking about, and that madesuch a huge difference for her.
So now instead of feeling angry,annoyed, or resentful, then now
she's feeling excited, grateful,and hopeful for a potential
deeper connection with theseladies that she resonates with.
(07:53):
And keep in mind that up untilthis point, nothing has actually
changed except for her focus.
That friend over there, theystill haven't reached out.
They still haven't responded.
And guess what?
At this point in time, shedoesn't actually have plans with
any of the book club ladies yet.
Nothing has actually changed forher except for who it is that
she's choosing to think about.
(08:15):
The only thing that has changedfor her is her focus.
So if you had to make a listright now, what five people
would you say take up the mostmental and emotional energy for
you?
And do you want to continue tolet them be some of your biggest
influencers, or is it time tomix things up a bit?
Now, maybe your biggestinfluencers are people that you
(08:35):
know and that you spend a lot oftime with.
So maybe you spend a lot of timethinking about your partner or
your coworker.
Or maybe you spend a lot of timethinking about people that
you're no longer in relationshipwith, like that friend that you
had a falling out with or yourex, and you're still ruminating
on why things didn't work out orwhy they should have shown up
differently.
Or maybe the people that youspend the most time thinking
(08:55):
about are people that you'venever actually met, but they
really take up a lot of mentalspace for you.
For example, love him or hatehim, a lot of people have spent
a significant amount of timethinking about Donald Trump,
even though they've never methim.
In fact, I don't know anyonethat is neutral about Donald
Trump.
And the same could be said ofOprah or Taylor Swift or that
(09:17):
talking head on that news show,right?
Like, there's a lot of peoplethat are quite famous, actually,
that a lot of people have very,very strong feelings and
opinions about even thoughthey've never met, and it's
simply because they spend a lotof time thinking about them.
Our relationships happen in ourminds.
Now, I will say that for me, oneof my most favorite things is
when I get a message from one ofmy listeners, and they might
(09:38):
say,"Oh, hey, we just didlaundry together," or,"Hey, you
just came with me to the beach,and we had such a great time.
Thanks so much for being there."And because they have chosen to
invest mental and emotionalenergy into the conversations
that we're having here on thispodcast, then they feel like
we're besties, and I absolutelylove that.
And more often than not, thanthe people that I'm hearing
(10:00):
from, then I've never actuallymet them.
These are people that I've neveractually talked to in real life,
and we might not have ever evenworked together in a
professional setting, but theyhave essentially chosen to make
me one of the top five peoplethat has had the most influence
on them, and I feel so honoredby that.
Thank you.
Now, when I want to think aboutwho it is that I want to
(10:21):
intentionally make one of my topfive influences, then I think
about several people.
I personally work with a coupleof coaches.
I have one that I work witharound personal things and one
that I work with around businessthings, and it is just kind of
amazing to talk with thoseladies and hear the insights
that they have and theirperspective.
And it's fun that sometimes,even if I'm not having a
conversation with them in realtime, then I find myself having
(10:44):
conversations with them in mymind.
Because I spend so much mentalenergy with them, then I know
what they're going to say, andthey always seem to say the most
perfect thing.
I also like to think about thedear friends that have really
stuck with me throughout mypersonal evolution, and they've
really encouraged me and lovedme along the way.
I think about the people that Ifollow on Instagram or TikTok
(11:05):
that just make me smile.
And again, this kind of goesback a bit to last week's
episode on bloom scrolling, butI want to intentionally invite
in other people's positivityinto my life.
I want to be intentional aboutallowing them to have impact on
me.
And really, as you're startingto identify who it is that
you're allowing into that space,who it is that you're allowing
to be one of your top fiveinfluencers, I just wanna
(11:28):
alleviate the shame, okay?
Because even for me, there aresome times when I find my mind
wandering towards people, andI'm giving them so much mental
and emotional energy, andreally, I would prefer that I
not give them that much power,right?
So I might find myselfruminating on this particular
relationship, and I just think,"Oh, my goodness, no, I would
really rather think aboutsomething else." And all it
takes is just a little bit ofintention.
(11:50):
So notice it, yes, and thenshift it into something on
purpose.
For example, sometimes I'll justbe reading a novel, right?
And I will really allow thatnovel to get into my head.
I just keep thinking about it.
It's just so good.
There's so many ideas in herethat I have never considered
before.
And for that whole week, eventhough the author has no idea,
then that author has just becomeone of my top five influencers
(12:13):
of the week, and I absolutelylove it.
I will intentionally pick uptheir book because I want them
to be one of those influencers.
So who do you want to choose onpurpose to allow to influence
you?
Maybe for you it's a spiritualleader or an artist or a
musician.
Maybe it's a family member or afriend or a social media
influencer.
But think for just a momentabout who it is that you would
(12:35):
like to spend the most mentaland emotional energy with.
Because who you think about willinfluence who it is that you are
and who it is that you willbecome.
Ask yourself,"Who am I spendingthe most time thinking about,
and what is that creating forme?" And do I want to continue
to hold them in that highlyesteemed position as my number
(12:56):
one influencer, or do I want togive that position to someone
else?
Now, as I shared last week on mybloom scrolling episode, I have
noticed that if I am not reallyintentional about how it is that
I start my day, about what it isthat I'm choosing to allow to
influence me first thing in themorning, if I just let the
algorithm decide, then I have avery different kind of day than
when I'm really intentionalabout it.
(13:17):
So when consuming news is thefirst thing that I do in the
morning because that's what thealgorithm wants to hand me first
thing in the morning, then itreally does have a significant
impact on my day.
It has significant influence.
I'm more drained.
I'm more negative.
I'm more concerned anddiscouraged about what's
happening in the world.
(13:38):
But when I start my day withreading something uplifting or
when I take my dog for a walkand I spend time in nature first
thing in the morning, when Idon't check the news until later
in the day, not only do I feelbetter in that moment, but it is
significantly easier for me todigest the news later when I get
to it.
And I'm bringing that up becauseI'm not saying to never consume
(14:00):
the news.
I'm not saying don't beinformed.
I'm not saying no, don't everthink about your ex, or don't
ever think about that friendthat you had the falling out
with.
I'm not saying to never allowyourself to think negative
thoughts, because guess what?
You're human, and you're goingto be thinking about those
things.
But what I am saying is is thatwhen we can be a little bit more
intentional about where it isthat we choose to invest our
(14:21):
time and our energy, especiallyour mental and emotional energy,
then it can have a significantimpact on us.
So track your thoughts for theday and just see what thoughts
you're currently practicing.
Become more aware of them sothat you can tweak them if
needed, all right?
Just notice it.
Don't judge it, right?
We're just raising awarenesshere.
(14:42):
Just start to observe and noticeit free of judgment.
Observe who it is that you'regiving the most mental and
emotional energy to, and thenalso observe what kind of an
influence that's having on you.
For example, and this has comeup in multiple coaching calls
recently, a lot of nosyneighbors have been coming up on
coaching calls.
So here's my question for youtoday is: How much time are you
(15:03):
spending thinking about yourneighbor's trash can?
How much time are you spendingthinking about where your
neighbor stores their trash can?
If they put it out the nightbefore or the morning of?
How much time are you spendingthinking about where they should
park their car, or who should beparked where or when, or what
time their guests should leave?
How much time are you investinginto thinking about your
neighbor?
Are you allowing your neighborto be one of the most
(15:25):
influential people in your lifesimply because of when they take
their trash can out?
And if so, what is that creatingfor you internally?
How much time and energy do youwant to invest into thinking
about your ex?
Maybe you're thinking about whata horrible human they are, and
you just keep thinking about allof the ways that they should
have been different.
Or maybe you're thinking abouthow wonderful they are and how
(15:47):
you regret breaking up, but nowthey're with somebody new.
And how is thinking aboutsomebody that you're no longer
in relationship with, how isthat impacting you now?
What kind of an influence doesthat have on you in your
day-to-day life?
How much time and energy haveyou spent into thinking about
that random encounter that youhad at the grocery store?
And maybe this is the one wherea total stranger said the
(16:09):
absolute perfect thing, and itmade you feel so good.
Or maybe it might be that timewhen they said the absolute
worst thing that they could havepossibly said, but you keep
thinking about it.
And this might have been just asmall fifteen-second
interaction, but how is itimpacting you now?
Is that stranger now one of thetop five people that you're
choosing to allow to have themost influence on you?
(16:31):
It is very interesting to juststart to notice how often we
allow these small exchanges tohave power over us.
It's very interesting to noticewhat it is that we turn the
volume up on, even when it isjust a small interaction.
For example, for myself, onceupon a time in my younger and
hotter years, then we were allgathered as a family, and we
were listening to my sister playthe piano, and I think it was
(16:53):
around Christmas time.
And once she was done with herpiece, then a family member
said,"Well, I guess that one gotall the beauty and one got all
the talent." And me and mysister were both kind of
discouraged by that comment andlooked at each other like,"What
the heck was that?" And to behonest with you, yes, we talked
about that comment for yearsbecause isn't that an absolutely
wild thing to say?
(17:15):
And granted, now I know thatthat was just a silly comment.
But to my younger self, I reallyallowed that comment to have a
significant influence on me.
I allowed that comment to meanthat I wasn't very talented, so
why should I apply myself?
My sister's the talented one,right?
And of course, now that I amgrown, I know that I do not want
(17:36):
to allow that comment to havefurther influence on me.
But isn't it wild how long wecan allow a single comment to
have influence on us, even whenwe hardly engage with the person
that actually made that commentin the first place?
So don't judge yourself.
You're in good company if youfind your brain going to those
random encounters, okay?
Just notice it.
(17:56):
Notice where your mind goes, andnotice who it is that you're
giving the most mental andemotional energy to.
Because more than likely,because we have that negativity
bias, more than likely yourbrain is naturally going to be
drawn towards those negativeencounters, which means they're
going to be having that negativeinfluence on you.
It does take a little bit moreintention to invite in those
positive influences.
(18:17):
Because as the saying goes,where the mind goes, the energy
flows.
So make sure that your energy isflowing towards things that
actually really support you andthe life that you want to
create.
Remember that creating lastingchange, it does take time.
You might have practicedthinking about that other person
over there for a very long time,and it can be a challenge to
(18:39):
think about something different,right?
Especially in the beginning.
It can be a challenge toredirect your thoughts and
intentionally come up withsomething new to think about,
and that's where coaching can bevery, very helpful here.
But change does happensignificantly faster when you're
able to just notice where yourmind goes without the judgment.
For example, you might noticethat your mind flows towards
(19:00):
that unresolved relationship.
Because, yeah, I still have somethoughts and feelings over
there, and I still am doing someprocessing over there.
And guess what?
That's fine.
That's human.
Allow yourself to feel andprocess.
And set the intention to keepthis proportionate to how much
influence you want thatunresolved relationship to have
on you.
Just start to notice,"Oh, okay.
(19:22):
I am currently making thisperson one of my top five
influences, and I would preferto downgrade them so that they
may be in the top ten or, betteryet, the top twenty or the top
fifty." And adjust your thoughtsaccordingly.
Your top five people, they aregoing to be shifting and
changing over time, and theamount of time that you give to
each of them, that will also beshifting over time.
(19:45):
But choosing to be just a littlebit more intentional about who
it is that you give your mentaland emotional energy to, it can
make such a huge difference inhow you feel.
So here's your challenge for theweek.
Are you ready?
If you want to just make onesmall change that can have
significant impact, I encourageyou right now to think about one
person that you want tointentionally invite in.
(20:07):
All right?
So maybe this means that youintentionally spend time with
your favorite podcaster and yourfavorite life coach each day,
right?
Maybe it's that you wanna spendtime each morning with your
favorite author.
Maybe you wanna spend time withyour favorite musician and you
decide that,"Okay, this week I'mgoing to make that song my
anthem, and I'm going tointentionally play it every
morning and sing it at the topof my lungs to set the tone for
(20:29):
the day." Maybe you want tointentionally spend time
thinking about how cute it isthat your mail lady brings a
treat for your dog every morningwhen she delivers your mail.
Maybe it's a person that you'vemet before and that you know
personally, or maybe it'ssomebody that you've never met
before, but you know that theircontent, it really lights you
up, so you want to intentionallyinvite them in.
But pick just one person thatyou want to intentionally spend
(20:52):
time with today, and then noticehow that shifts your energy when
you invite them in.
Because the five people that youchoose to invest the most mental
and emotional energy into, theyare the five people that you're
choosing to allow to have themost influence over you.
And because you and I both knowthat we don't want your ex
running the show, then let'sintentionally give that job to
(21:13):
somebody who is better suitedfor your nervous system.
All right?
And hey, if you are strugglingto find five people, or if
you're struggling to not thinkabout your ex, or if you want to
intentionally invite in somebodywith a more positive influence,
then I hope that you'll considerjoining my 12-week
self-reclamation project.
We're going to be starting inSeptember.
The cost is$1,200, and I'mlimiting this one-on-one
(21:34):
coaching experience to just 10women.
So together we can look at whois it that is taking up the most
mental and emotional space foryou, and then we can adjust
things on purpose to createsomething that is more
supportive for you and yournervous system.
Together we can reclaim yourtime, your joy, your mental and
emotional energy, and your life.
(21:54):
To get started, you can simplyemail me at
maryann@maryannwalker.life andlet me know that you're
interested.
I'm gonna be linking my contactinformation in the show notes.
But again, space is limited, soreach out as soon as possible if
this resonates with you.
All right, here's to choosingour influences on purpose.
And hey, thank you for theinfluence that you have had on
my life.
(22:15):
I truly appreciate you.
All right, I hope you have agreat week, and let's talk soon.
Bye now
Well, hello and welcome back.
Now, you guys, today I have evenmore exciting news for you.
Are you ready?
So I was just recently informedby Apple Podcasts that this
podcast,"Inner Work with MaryAnnWalker," it is now in the top 3%
of podcasts globally.
Um, what?
Yeah, that totally blew my mind.
I also learned that I am ranked23rd in self-improvement in New
(01:05):
Zealand, 44th in Uganda, and Iam in the top 100 for
self-improvement in Ireland.
Crazy, right?
Now, when I first started thispodcast nearly four years ago,
then I just hoped that somebodywould feel helped and supported
by it, that somebody would feelinspired to create change for
themselves and just feel alittle bit more empowered.
(01:27):
I had no idea that it would growinto what it is today.
So thank you so much forallowing me to be a part of your
journey.
Thank you for sharing thispodcast with friends.
Thank you for leaving reviews.
It really does mean so much tome.
So thank you.
Thank you for allowing me to besomebody of influence in your
life.
And that's actually what we'regoing to be talking about today
(01:49):
is who it is that we choose toallow to have influence on us.
And make sure that you listen tothe end because I'm gonna be
sharing about my new programthat starts in September.
But they say that we are all thesum of the five people that we
spend the most time with.
But I believe that we'reactually the sum of the five
people that we allow to have themost influence on us.
So who are the five people thathave the most influence on you?
(02:12):
And did you choose themintentionally or
unintentionally?
How can you tell who it is thathas the most influence on you?
Now, to answer all of thesequestions, it's actually a very,
very simple answer.
Are you ready?
Notice your thoughts.
Notice who takes up the mostmental and emotional energy for
you.
Notice how it is that you feelinside when you think about
them.
(02:33):
Notice how it is that you'reshowing up in life after
spending time with them.
Because yes, there are a lot ofpeople that you actually spend
physical time with and a lot ofit, right?
Like your partner or yourcoworker.
But the people that actuallyhave the most influence on you
are the people that you spendthe most time thinking about.
So notice who it is that you'rethinking about the most, and
(02:56):
then start to notice if theirinfluence is a positive
influence on you or if it's amore negative influence.
Now, some people take uppositive mental space for us.
These are the people that youjust find yourself thinking
about, and you are just smilingfrom ear to ear.
So maybe you're thinking aboutthat really sweet thing that
they said to you or that funnyjoke that they shared.
But they're somebody that whenyou think about them, they just
(03:18):
bring you joy.
Maybe they even offer youencouragement or hope or
possibility when you're having areally hard time.
Now there's other people thatwhen we think about them, they
actually take up negative mentalspace for us.
So when you're thinking aboutthese people, then you might
find yourself thinking aboutthem and then ruminating on the
negative.
And when that's happening, youmight start to notice that you
(03:38):
feel really drained orfrustrated or angry or even
resentful.
So notice that, okay, yes, I amspending a lot of time thinking
about these people, and whetheryou're thinking positive
thoughts about them or negativethoughts about them is
irrelevant.
We like to think that the peoplethat have the most influence on
us are only those positivepeople.
But whether their influence ispositive or negative, the people
(04:00):
that you think about the mostare the ones that you're
choosing to allow to have themost influence on you.
So choose them intentionally andon purpose.
So let me share with you anexample about what this can look
like, okay?
This is an example from mycoaching practice, a super
common example, but maybe itwill sound a little bit familiar
to you.
June had sent a message to afriend, and that friend, they
(04:24):
didn't respond And initiallythen June was okay with this.
She thought,"Okay, well maybethey're just busy." But after an
hour or two had passed, then shefound herself spending time on
social media, and she could seethat this friend was engaging
online.
This friend was engaging withother people.
This friend was engaging withthem, but still hadn't even
acknowledged the text messagethat she had sent.
(04:46):
And so when this happened, thenJune, she did what the majority
of us do.
She started to ruminate on it.
This friend was now taking upall of her mental and emotional
energy.
She started thinking about howinconsiderate this friend was
being.
She was thinking,"Oh, and youknow what?
This isn't the first time.
They always do this to me.
I just can't stand it." And youknow what?
(05:06):
It was even impacting her sleep.
At the end of the day, as she'strying to fall asleep that
night, she was still thinkingabout this friend.
And she was thinking,"Oh, whatam I gonna do when I see'em
next?
I need to come up with a goodgotcha line so that they'll know
that that was really rude andinappropriate." They'll know
that I know that they'reneglecting me personally." And
this was really creating a lotof emotion for her.
(05:28):
So do you see what's actuallyhappening here?
Is June is allowing heractivated nervous system to
determine that, that friend overthere, they're the one that's
going to have the most influenceon me today.
And while there's no way for usto know right now why this
particular person wasn'tresponding, maybe they hadn't
seen the message, maybe their donot disturb was turned on so
they hadn't received anotification, maybe they just
(05:48):
forgot or they got busy, wedon't actually know.
But for June, she was nowinvesting a significant amount
of mental and emotional energyinto thinking about this person.
This person at that momentwasn't showing up well for her,
and she was investing all thisenergy into looking at that
relationship, thinking aboutthat relationship, and really
(06:08):
focusing on the negative here,which was impacting not only
that relationship with thatperson, but her other
relationships as well.
Because do you know what shewasn't doing when she was upset
with this friend?
She wasn't acknowledging all ofthe friends that had showed up
well for her that day, all ofthe friends that had responded,
all of the people that hadencouraged and been a listening
ear for her.
(06:29):
She wasn't paying any attentionto them at all.
Instead, she was choosing toallow this person that hadn't
responded to her text message tohave all of the power over her
for that day and it wasliterally keeping her stuck.
It was keeping her awake atnight.
It was keeping her angry andresentful.
She was unintentionally allowingthat person to be one of the
(06:49):
biggest influences on her life.
She was allowing them toinfluence her mood, her energy,
and her sleep.
But through coaching, then itwas brought to her attention
that she was subconsciouslychoosing this person to be one
of the biggest influences on herlife.
And once it was brought to herconscious awareness, then she
had an opportunity to decide ifshe wanted to continue to allow
(07:11):
them to have that power over heror not.
When she was thinking on purposeabout who it was that she wanted
to spend the most mental energywith, then she started to think
about her book club friends.
She was thinking that,"Oh, youknow what?
I know that we usually only gettogether once a month, but I
love it when we get together.
I feel like those ladies reallyresonate with me, and maybe I
should reach out to one of themand see if they might like to
(07:33):
hang out outside of book club."And when she's doing that, now
she's thinking about the peoplethat she actually feels good
thinking about, and that madesuch a huge difference for her.
So now instead of feeling angry,annoyed, or resentful, then now
she's feeling excited, grateful,and hopeful for a potential
deeper connection with theseladies that she resonates with.
(07:53):
And keep in mind that up untilthis point, nothing has actually
changed except for her focus.
That friend over there, theystill haven't reached out.
They still haven't responded.
And guess what?
At this point in time, shedoesn't actually have plans with
any of the book club ladies yet.
Nothing has actually changed forher except for who it is that
she's choosing to think about.
(08:15):
The only thing that has changedfor her is her focus.
So if you had to make a listright now, what five people
would you say take up the mostmental and emotional energy for
you?
And do you want to continue tolet them be some of your biggest
influencers, or is it time tomix things up a bit?
Now, maybe your biggestinfluencers are people that you
(08:35):
know and that you spend a lot oftime with.
So maybe you spend a lot of timethinking about your partner or
your coworker.
Or maybe you spend a lot of timethinking about people that
you're no longer in relationshipwith, like that friend that you
had a falling out with or yourex, and you're still ruminating
on why things didn't work out orwhy they should have shown up
differently.
Or maybe the people that youspend the most time thinking
(08:55):
about are people that you'venever actually met, but they
really take up a lot of mentalspace for you.
For example, love him or hatehim, a lot of people have spent
a significant amount of timethinking about Donald Trump,
even though they've never methim.
In fact, I don't know anyonethat is neutral about Donald
Trump.
And the same could be said ofOprah or Taylor Swift or that
(09:17):
talking head on that news show,right?
Like, there's a lot of peoplethat are quite famous, actually,
that a lot of people have very,very strong feelings and
opinions about even thoughthey've never met, and it's
simply because they spend a lotof time thinking about them.
Our relationships happen in ourminds.
Now, I will say that for me, oneof my most favorite things is
when I get a message from one ofmy listeners, and they might
(09:38):
say,"Oh, hey, we just didlaundry together," or,"Hey, you
just came with me to the beach,and we had such a great time.
Thanks so much for being there."And because they have chosen to
invest mental and emotionalenergy into the conversations
that we're having here on thispodcast, then they feel like
we're besties, and I absolutelylove that.
And more often than not, thanthe people that I'm hearing
(10:00):
from, then I've never actuallymet them.
These are people that I've neveractually talked to in real life,
and we might not have ever evenworked together in a
professional setting, but theyhave essentially chosen to make
me one of the top five peoplethat has had the most influence
on them, and I feel so honoredby that.
Thank you.
Now, when I want to think aboutwho it is that I want to
(10:21):
intentionally make one of my topfive influences, then I think
about several people.
I personally work with a coupleof coaches.
I have one that I work witharound personal things and one
that I work with around businessthings, and it is just kind of
amazing to talk with thoseladies and hear the insights
that they have and theirperspective.
And it's fun that sometimes,even if I'm not having a
conversation with them in realtime, then I find myself having
(10:44):
conversations with them in mymind.
Because I spend so much mentalenergy with them, then I know
what they're going to say, andthey always seem to say the most
perfect thing.
I also like to think about thedear friends that have really
stuck with me throughout mypersonal evolution, and they've
really encouraged me and lovedme along the way.
I think about the people that Ifollow on Instagram or TikTok
(11:05):
that just make me smile.
And again, this kind of goesback a bit to last week's
episode on bloom scrolling, butI want to intentionally invite
in other people's positivityinto my life.
I want to be intentional aboutallowing them to have impact on
me.
And really, as you're startingto identify who it is that
you're allowing into that space,who it is that you're allowing
to be one of your top fiveinfluencers, I just wanna
(11:28):
alleviate the shame, okay?
Because even for me, there aresome times when I find my mind
wandering towards people, andI'm giving them so much mental
and emotional energy, andreally, I would prefer that I
not give them that much power,right?
So I might find myselfruminating on this particular
relationship, and I just think,"Oh, my goodness, no, I would
really rather think aboutsomething else." And all it
takes is just a little bit ofintention.
(11:50):
So notice it, yes, and thenshift it into something on
purpose.
For example, sometimes I'll justbe reading a novel, right?
And I will really allow thatnovel to get into my head.
I just keep thinking about it.
It's just so good.
There's so many ideas in herethat I have never considered
before.
And for that whole week, eventhough the author has no idea,
then that author has just becomeone of my top five influencers
(12:13):
of the week, and I absolutelylove it.
I will intentionally pick uptheir book because I want them
to be one of those influencers.
So who do you want to choose onpurpose to allow to influence
you?
Maybe for you it's a spiritualleader or an artist or a
musician.
Maybe it's a family member or afriend or a social media
influencer.
But think for just a momentabout who it is that you would
(12:35):
like to spend the most mentaland emotional energy with.
Because who you think about willinfluence who it is that you are
and who it is that you willbecome.
Ask yourself,"Who am I spendingthe most time thinking about,
and what is that creating forme?" And do I want to continue
to hold them in that highlyesteemed position as my number
(12:56):
one influencer, or do I want togive that position to someone
else?
Now, as I shared last week on mybloom scrolling episode, I have
noticed that if I am not reallyintentional about how it is that
I start my day, about what it isthat I'm choosing to allow to
influence me first thing in themorning, if I just let the
algorithm decide, then I have avery different kind of day than
when I'm really intentionalabout it.
(13:17):
So when consuming news is thefirst thing that I do in the
morning because that's what thealgorithm wants to hand me first
thing in the morning, then itreally does have a significant
impact on my day.
It has significant influence.
I'm more drained.
I'm more negative.
I'm more concerned anddiscouraged about what's
happening in the world.
(13:38):
But when I start my day withreading something uplifting or
when I take my dog for a walkand I spend time in nature first
thing in the morning, when Idon't check the news until later
in the day, not only do I feelbetter in that moment, but it is
significantly easier for me todigest the news later when I get
to it.
And I'm bringing that up becauseI'm not saying to never consume
(14:00):
the news.
I'm not saying don't beinformed.
I'm not saying no, don't everthink about your ex, or don't
ever think about that friendthat you had the falling out
with.
I'm not saying to never allowyourself to think negative
thoughts, because guess what?
You're human, and you're goingto be thinking about those
things.
But what I am saying is is thatwhen we can be a little bit more
intentional about where it isthat we choose to invest our
(14:21):
time and our energy, especiallyour mental and emotional energy,
then it can have a significantimpact on us.
So track your thoughts for theday and just see what thoughts
you're currently practicing.
Become more aware of them sothat you can tweak them if
needed, all right?
Just notice it.
Don't judge it, right?
We're just raising awarenesshere.
(14:42):
Just start to observe and noticeit free of judgment.
Observe who it is that you'regiving the most mental and
emotional energy to, and thenalso observe what kind of an
influence that's having on you.
For example, and this has comeup in multiple coaching calls
recently, a lot of nosyneighbors have been coming up on
coaching calls.
So here's my question for youtoday is: How much time are you
(15:03):
spending thinking about yourneighbor's trash can?
How much time are you spendingthinking about where your
neighbor stores their trash can?
If they put it out the nightbefore or the morning of?
How much time are you spendingthinking about where they should
park their car, or who should beparked where or when, or what
time their guests should leave?
How much time are you investinginto thinking about your
neighbor?
Are you allowing your neighborto be one of the most
(15:25):
influential people in your lifesimply because of when they take
their trash can out?
And if so, what is that creatingfor you internally?
How much time and energy do youwant to invest into thinking
about your ex?
Maybe you're thinking about whata horrible human they are, and
you just keep thinking about allof the ways that they should
have been different.
Or maybe you're thinking abouthow wonderful they are and how
(15:47):
you regret breaking up, but nowthey're with somebody new.
And how is thinking aboutsomebody that you're no longer
in relationship with, how isthat impacting you now?
What kind of an influence doesthat have on you in your
day-to-day life?
How much time and energy haveyou spent into thinking about
that random encounter that youhad at the grocery store?
And maybe this is the one wherea total stranger said the
(16:09):
absolute perfect thing, and itmade you feel so good.
Or maybe it might be that timewhen they said the absolute
worst thing that they could havepossibly said, but you keep
thinking about it.
And this might have been just asmall fifteen-second
interaction, but how is itimpacting you now?
Is that stranger now one of thetop five people that you're
choosing to allow to have themost influence on you?
(16:31):
It is very interesting to juststart to notice how often we
allow these small exchanges tohave power over us.
It's very interesting to noticewhat it is that we turn the
volume up on, even when it isjust a small interaction.
For example, for myself, onceupon a time in my younger and
hotter years, then we were allgathered as a family, and we
were listening to my sister playthe piano, and I think it was
(16:53):
around Christmas time.
And once she was done with herpiece, then a family member
said,"Well, I guess that one gotall the beauty and one got all
the talent." And me and mysister were both kind of
discouraged by that comment andlooked at each other like,"What
the heck was that?" And to behonest with you, yes, we talked
about that comment for yearsbecause isn't that an absolutely
wild thing to say?
(17:15):
And granted, now I know thatthat was just a silly comment.
But to my younger self, I reallyallowed that comment to have a
significant influence on me.
I allowed that comment to meanthat I wasn't very talented, so
why should I apply myself?
My sister's the talented one,right?
And of course, now that I amgrown, I know that I do not want
(17:36):
to allow that comment to havefurther influence on me.
But isn't it wild how long wecan allow a single comment to
have influence on us, even whenwe hardly engage with the person
that actually made that commentin the first place?
So don't judge yourself.
You're in good company if youfind your brain going to those
random encounters, okay?
Just notice it.
(17:56):
Notice where your mind goes, andnotice who it is that you're
giving the most mental andemotional energy to.
Because more than likely,because we have that negativity
bias, more than likely yourbrain is naturally going to be
drawn towards those negativeencounters, which means they're
going to be having that negativeinfluence on you.
It does take a little bit moreintention to invite in those
positive influences.
(18:17):
Because as the saying goes,where the mind goes, the energy
flows.
So make sure that your energy isflowing towards things that
actually really support you andthe life that you want to
create.
Remember that creating lastingchange, it does take time.
You might have practicedthinking about that other person
over there for a very long time,and it can be a challenge to
(18:39):
think about something different,right?
Especially in the beginning.
It can be a challenge toredirect your thoughts and
intentionally come up withsomething new to think about,
and that's where coaching can bevery, very helpful here.
But change does happensignificantly faster when you're
able to just notice where yourmind goes without the judgment.
For example, you might noticethat your mind flows towards
(19:00):
that unresolved relationship.
Because, yeah, I still have somethoughts and feelings over
there, and I still am doing someprocessing over there.
And guess what?
That's fine.
That's human.
Allow yourself to feel andprocess.
And set the intention to keepthis proportionate to how much
influence you want thatunresolved relationship to have
on you.
Just start to notice,"Oh, okay.
(19:22):
I am currently making thisperson one of my top five
influences, and I would preferto downgrade them so that they
may be in the top ten or, betteryet, the top twenty or the top
fifty." And adjust your thoughtsaccordingly.
Your top five people, they aregoing to be shifting and
changing over time, and theamount of time that you give to
each of them, that will also beshifting over time.
(19:45):
But choosing to be just a littlebit more intentional about who
it is that you give your mentaland emotional energy to, it can
make such a huge difference inhow you feel.
So here's your challenge for theweek.
Are you ready?
If you want to just make onesmall change that can have
significant impact, I encourageyou right now to think about one
person that you want tointentionally invite in.
(20:07):
All right?
So maybe this means that youintentionally spend time with
your favorite podcaster and yourfavorite life coach each day,
right?
Maybe it's that you wanna spendtime each morning with your
favorite author.
Maybe you wanna spend time withyour favorite musician and you
decide that,"Okay, this week I'mgoing to make that song my
anthem, and I'm going tointentionally play it every
morning and sing it at the topof my lungs to set the tone for
(20:29):
the day." Maybe you want tointentionally spend time
thinking about how cute it isthat your mail lady brings a
treat for your dog every morningwhen she delivers your mail.
Maybe it's a person that you'vemet before and that you know
personally, or maybe it'ssomebody that you've never met
before, but you know that theircontent, it really lights you
up, so you want to intentionallyinvite them in.
But pick just one person thatyou want to intentionally spend
(20:52):
time with today, and then noticehow that shifts your energy when
you invite them in.
Because the five people that youchoose to invest the most mental
and emotional energy into, theyare the five people that you're
choosing to allow to have themost influence over you.
And because you and I both knowthat we don't want your ex
running the show, then let'sintentionally give that job to
(21:13):
somebody who is better suitedfor your nervous system.
All right?
And hey, if you are strugglingto find five people, or if
you're struggling to not thinkabout your ex, or if you want to
intentionally invite in somebodywith a more positive influence,
then I hope that you'll considerjoining my 12-week
self-reclamation project.
We're going to be starting inSeptember.
The cost is$1,200, and I'mlimiting this one-on-one
(21:34):
coaching experience to just 10women.
So together we can look at whois it that is taking up the most
mental and emotional space foryou, and then we can adjust
things on purpose to createsomething that is more
supportive for you and yournervous system.
Together we can reclaim yourtime, your joy, your mental and
emotional energy, and your life.
(21:54):
To get started, you can simplyemail me at
maryann@maryannwalker.life andlet me know that you're
interested.
I'm gonna be linking my contactinformation in the show notes.
But again, space is limited, soreach out as soon as possible if
this resonates with you.
All right, here's to choosingour influences on purpose.
And hey, thank you for theinfluence that you have had on
my life.
(22:15):
I truly appreciate you.
All right, I hope you have agreat week, and let's talk soon.
Bye now
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