March 31, 2026 • 15 mins
If a man’s mood can flip your whole day, that’s not love or loyalty, that’s your nervous system getting outsourced. We go deep on “decentering men” as a practical mindset shift that helps Muslim women reclaim self-worth, emotional stability, and spiritual clarity without hating men or pushing them away. I explain why orbiting a husband, father, colleague, or even an ex can feel like intimacy while quietly creating anxious, performative connection and constant self-editing.
We break down the core idea of centering as the reference point your mind returns to, then map how male centrism forms through lifelong socialization and patriarchal messaging. From there, we explore a painful but common pattern: what looks like a faith crisis can actually be a fracture of trust in men who were placed at the center of your spiritual imagination. When a man’s leadership becomes confused with divine guidance, his hypocrisy can shake your structure. Decentering restores a direct relationship with Allah, separating Creator from creation so your iman is no longer mediated by someone else’s ego or behavior.
We also name the hidden drain: cognitive bandwidth. Tracking his reactions, replaying arguments, and “inverted fixation” through resentment keep you tethered even when you say you’re done. The goal isn’t removing men from your life. It’s removing them from the throne of your subconscious so you can love with sincerity and relate with calm strength. If this resonates, subscribe, share with a friend who needs steadiness, and leave a review with your biggest takeaway.
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Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_00 (00:04):
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast.
Apply tools that you learn inthis podcast and your life will
be unrecognizably successful.
Now your host, Dr.
Kamal Abdar.
Hello, hello, hello everyone.
Peace and blessings be upon allof you.
I'm about to elaborate on atopic that comes up very, very
frequently in my coaching, andthat has to do with the topic of
(00:26):
decentering men.
This is also another one ofthose topics that's been a very
long time in the making and nowhas finally found its way into
my podcast.
And I will try to do it justice,but it is possible that I will
not be able to, despite of myhighest intentions, and it is
possible that you will seefuture podcasts that reference
this topic when I expand on it.
(00:48):
So don't be surprised.
This series is gonna have threeparts, and this conversation is
not about hating men or pushingthem away, which might be the
biggest misconception aroundthis topic.
Decentering men does not meanthat you stop loving them or you
stop respecting them or you stopvaluing your relationships with
them.
It means the exact opposite.
(01:10):
Decentering men means that a manno longer serves as an axis to
your nervous system.
And when that happens when yourworth, stability, and your
identity are no longer dependenton a man, you finally relate to
him very clearly and calmly, andyou end up developing a very
(01:30):
strong relationship with men inyour life.
In that case, your love stopsbeing anxious and performative.
It is very honest andrespectful, especially on both
sides.
So decentering men does notweaken your relationship with
them.
It removes the pressure and thedistortion that was otherwise
(01:50):
suffocating your relationships,and then when that pressure
lifts, the same relationshipsbecome extremely strong and
genuine.
So trust me when I tell you, nomatter how counterintuitive it
seems from the title,decentering men, it helps you
create healthier and strongerand more loving relationships
with them.
(02:11):
So please do keep an open mindand inshallah you will start to
see healthier alternativesthrough this podcast series.
Let me first start with adefinition like I love to do,
because things are often leftfor misinterpretation and
misunderstanding if you don'tunderstand clear definitions.
And before I can explain to youwhat it means to decenter men,
(02:33):
let me tell you what I mean bydecentering.
When something is centered, itmeans it becomes the reference
point of your inner world.
Your thoughts return to it overand over again.
And it's not just positivethoughts, negative thoughts
also.
Whatever you find referencingthe most with your thoughts
during your day is your center.
(02:55):
Your nervous system is trackingit.
If something is centered, it'sthe standard against which you
measure and filter most of yourthoughts in your life.
And this is what creates theoutcomes.
Another word that might beappropriate for centering is
orbiting.
Orbiting is what happens whensomething is centered, and
(03:15):
you're constantly referencingit, then you're automatically
orbiting around it through thegravity of your thoughts.
So in the metaphor of orbiting,there's space, there's the sun,
there's the axis, and the earththat has the gravitational pull
on it from the sun.
And in this case, the earthbeing you and the sun being the
(03:37):
object that you orbit with yourmind.
So centrism technically means amoderate political position, but
in this case I'm going to beusing it around the reference of
male centrism.
Because we are all centeringsomething to reference.
Human mind is created to thinkin references.
So by definition, the centerthat your mind orbits cannot
(03:59):
stay empty.
When you center somethingpsychologically, you're
referencing it with yourthoughts.
All of your gravitational pullis coming from that object, with
or without your consciousagreement.
So coming back to centering men,which looks like the object of
the orbit is the man.
It can be one man, it could beseveral men, it could be your
(04:20):
spouse alone, it could be a son,a father, a colleague, it could
be a cousin, a friend, acompetitor in your business, or
it could be all of the men.
So it could be that you'reorbiting one man or many men at
the same time through yourthoughts at any given time.
So like I said, I do see a lotof examples of this in my
(04:40):
coaching, but I also tell youthis because women are
socialized from a very young ageto make their entire life's
purpose about serving men, aboutobeying them, about putting them
on the pedestal, about followingthe leaders that are naturally
men, which of course is notbased on facts.
So when I'm inviting you todecenter men, I'm asking you to
(05:02):
do a lot of desocialization.
And this socialization didn'tjust happen to you in the past
as a child.
It is still happening to youactively.
It is still a major part of thepatriarchal world that continues
to feed its beliefs to womenthat their lives should revolve
around men, otherwise theirlives are not worth living.
(05:23):
Patriarchy tells you that if youare not being productive to a
level of a man the way hedefines it, then you're not
working hard enough.
Even though you might be workingvery hard to raise children, or
if you don't have children tomeasure that against, then you
might not be working onimproving yourself to a level of
a man otherwise.
A man centered world can veryeasily say what you're doing for
(05:48):
yourself is not enough becauseit is not for a man, or if
you're not doing it like a man.
Another very important area thatthis happens in is a woman's
faith and spirituality.
Many women come to my coachingthinking they're having a faith
crisis.
When what is actually happeningis that there is a crisis of
their faith in men, and yourfaith in Allah and your faith in
(06:11):
men are not the same thing.
But when a man has been sittingat the center of your spiritual
imagination as a protector, asthe only interpreter, as the
moral authority, as therepresentative of religion, if
there is a fall in a trust forthis man, then that might feel
like a fall of faith in itselffor you.
(06:31):
This is one of the most telltalesigns that you're living a male
centered life.
If you are subconsciouslyequating a man's leadership with
divine guidance, or a man'sapproval with Allah's pleasure,
or if you're equating that aman's religiosity is the right
way to be religious, then ofcourse disappointment in a man
(06:52):
is going to feel likedisappointment in God, a
Stakfarullah.
So if your idea of faith wasembodied primarily through a
husband, father, a male scholar,or a male community leader, then
a betrayal from any of them or ahypocrisy from any of these men
who are human can then have atendency to destabilize your
(07:14):
faith structure, which of coursewe don't want because our faith
should be reliant only on Allahsubhanahu wa ta'ala.
When the fog of male centrismlifts, you realize that your
faith in Allah has always beenthere, you just weren't able to
recognize it.
And that actually it was yourfaith in men that fractured, not
(07:35):
your faith in Allah.
Once you realize that there is aclearing and a healing that
follows, and you begin toseparate the creator from the
creation, and you begin torealize that Allah subhanahu wa
ta'ala's mercy didn't disappearjust because a husband or an
imam or a father failed to dotheir job.
Allah's justice does notevaporate because a man
(07:58):
disappointed you.
From this place of healing anddecentering men, your faith
becomes stronger.
It becomes more direct and lessmediated.
In that case you will begin torelate to Allah subhanahu wa
ta'ala without a maleintermediary, without an ego in
between, even though it's yoursor somebody else's.
And this is a very high level ofrefinement.
(08:20):
And this is heavy, I know, butinshallah with this series it
will become obvious to you whythis decentering is important
and how it can be done.
Male centrism all it does iscreate an unnecessary cognitive
load.
When your mind as a woman tracksconstantly a man's reaction
before you choose any of yourown actions, your mental
(08:42):
resources are being consumed.
And this is literally theft ofyour cognitive bandwidth.
It reduces your capacity ofcreativity, strategic thinking,
spiritual and personaldevelopment.
This is why I'm also going toclaim that decentering men is
not just about yourrelationships, it is also going
to help you reclaim yourintellectual and spiritual
(09:04):
bandwidth.
Centering something means that alarge part of your thought
process is dedicated toreferencing, analyzing, and
contributing to that object.
When you center people, thentheir opinion matters to you,
and any level of mistreatmentfor them is going to hold a lot
more weight for you, especiallyfor your ruminative mind.
(09:26):
And this is going to have a muchlarger effect compared to let's
say a mistreatment from acomplete stranger.
When something is in the centerof your nervous system, it is
the center of your subconsciousmind.
It means that you're relating toit with both negative and
positive thoughts.
Orbiting someone creates anillusion of a strong
(09:47):
relationship with them.
When orbiting itself does notmean intimacy or even a healthy
relationship.
Orbiting feels like closenessand it feels like a strong
relationship, but it does notnecessarily mean a healthy
relationship.
Because relationships aredefined by the thoughts you have
about a person.
You can have negative thoughtsabout a person and claim that
(10:09):
you're not in a relationshipwith them, when in reality
you're in a very strongrelationship with them.
So orbiting means that someonehas become the gravitational
center of your inner worldbecause that's what feels like
connection, and they're just atthe center of your orbit because
it carries the control of all ofyour emotional buttons.
(10:29):
To me, that is a verydisempowered way of living in a
relationship.
And this is not the same as youbeing happy at a man's success
in your life, you supportingthem or making dua for them or
being devoted to them.
I've told you guys many timesthat your devotion is what keeps
this world functional.
Your devotion to your workplace,to your family unit, to the
(10:50):
people in your life is whatkeeps the economies running.
Your devotion is gold primecurrency, and how you dispense
it is up to you.
Being devoted to a man or men inyour life does not mean that
you're orbiting does not meanthat you're orbiting them the
way I'm defining here.
Orbiting through male centrismdiminishes you.
(11:11):
It undermines you, it underminesyour value.
It takes away from you withoutputting anything back.
When you are devoted to a manwithout centering him, it builds
you up.
There's a huge differencebetween the two.
So through decentering men, I'mnot asking you to stop thinking
about them altogether.
I'm asking you to rewire how youthink about them that is not
(11:34):
toxic to you as a person.
Orbiting or male centrism to atoxic extent includes what I
call inverted fixation.
You can orbit someone even whenyou claim you're done with them.
You can orbit someone throughresentment, through replaying
arguments, through fear of them,through anger at them.
(11:55):
All of that through buildingmental files against them.
It could show up as youcataloging their failures and
creating mental drama aroundthem.
What they should have done, whatthey didn't do, how they should
show up, how angry they shouldfeel, how happy they should be.
What in this case you're callingdistance is not actually
distance.
Hate, resentment, fear, judgmentis not distance.
(12:18):
It creates a type of anobsession and a type of a
closeness that you don't realizeyou're creating.
Obsession with proving someonewrong is not distance no matter
how much you try to prove it toyourself.
It is extremely close proximitybecause it is inverted fixation.
Women will come to me and saythat they're done with this man
in their life.
(12:38):
Yet a hundred percent of ourconversation that ensues is
about that man.
You have not truncated yourrelationship with the man if
you're triggered by him,traumatized by the thoughts.
You think you've washed yourhands off of him, but you've
made the relationship strongerin a negative direction.
So in your desperation to makeme believe that you're not
centering him, I know very wellthat not only you are centering
(13:02):
him, you're making the orbitingmuch stronger despite of your
best efforts to do otherwise.
If you are rehearsingconversations in your ordinary
life situations of what you'vetold him, of what you want to
tell him in the future, ifyou're narrating their
shortcomings to yourself overand over, he is still the axis.
(13:22):
Centrism is only the occupationof your thoughts, and that
occupation can be throughinverted fixation.
This is you holding a bunch ofnegative thoughts about him and
trying to convince yourself thatyou're not in a relationship
with that man anymore, or you'retrying to break it up.
I do hate to break it to you,you are in a relationship with
(13:43):
the man, and it's just yourthoughts of anger and resentment
and guilt.
Not only are you in arelationship, you are in a very
strong relationship.
And on top of that, this levelof relating to him is toxic to
you.
That man might not even knowthat this exists.
He might not be even aware thatyou're going through this.
This is why inverted fixationneeds to be healed, and it still
(14:06):
counts as orbiting.
It still counts as malecentrism.
Anger towards him might feel toyou that you're doing right by
the situation, and right by himby being angry at him for all
the wrongs.
But this is just you creatingillusion of distance in your
relationship with him while inreality you're tethering to him
even more.
It is anchoring you in one spotbecause this obsession does not
(14:30):
create your independence.
You are just mistaking yourconstant negative rumination for
decentering.
When you orbit someone you donot see them clearly.
You see them as a source, asource of your validation, a
source of your safety, source ofyour approval, source of your
threat, your disappointment.
You are not relating to thatperson, you're relating to a
(14:52):
power structure inside yourmind, and because of that,
you're either over functioningor overreacting, or you're
suppressing, suffocatingyourself and under functioning,
all at the same time with youcreating expectations to punish
them through your distance.
If your internal dialoguefrequently returns to a person,
(15:12):
whether it's in longing orresentment or fear or validation
seeking, they are the center.
And if they're at the center,your psychological energy bends
around them, and this type oforbiting shows up as
hypervigilance.
This is when you downplayyourself and your internal
stability rises or falls basedon his behavior.
(15:32):
In male centrism, you'vecompletely outsourced your
regulation.
You've handed somebody else theremote control of your nervous
system.
This level of orbitingsuffocates relationship because
when someone senses that yourpeace depends on them, they
either feel inflated withimportance or crushed by the
pressure of the expectation.
(15:53):
They may withdraw or they maytry to overcompensate which is
not true to their true self.
No human being was designed tobe the emotional axis for
another adult.
This is a huge responsibility.
Male centrism also destroys yourown self respect.
When your identity bends aroundsomeone else's approval, you
(16:14):
start to edit yourself and youdilute your ambition, and you
try not to speak of yourdiscomfort.
Over time, when this happensenough, you cannot tell the
difference between your truedesire and your adaptive, fond
response.
This level of response becomesnatural to you that it looks
like your personality.
This level of orbiting feelslike closeness because it
(16:37):
creates constant motion aroundthat person.
You're always thinking aboutthem, adjusting to them,
referencing them.
It feels intimate because itoccupies your mental space.
Decentering men does not meanyou stop loving them or
respecting them.
By this I do not mean that youhate men or you cut ties with
them.
Decentering men just means thatthe majority of your thoughts,
(16:59):
conscious or subconscious, donot relate to them and their
opinions and their treatmentstowards you, even and especially
if they're in a closerelationship with you.
And this is one of the mostcounterintuitive truths you will
ever learn.
You decenter men to get close tothem, and most women will resist
this idea because it soundsbackwards.
(17:21):
You were taught the opposite.
You were trained to believe thatcloseness comes from his
attention, your accommodation ofhis demands, your anticipation
of his emotions, your constantsacrifice.
You were told intimacy growswhen you revolve around him.
But this revolution around aperson does not create
closeness, it only creates theillusion of closeness.
(17:43):
Male centrism also veryimportantly shows up in your
spiritual decision making.
If your understanding ofobedience and modesty is
filtered through how it will bereceived by men rather than
through your own directrelationship with Allah, then
your faith structure is malereferenced.
If you fear displeasing yourhusband or a man in your life
(18:07):
more than you fear misaligningwith Allah's commands, this is
classic male centrism in faith.
Male centrism also shows up inambition.
If you scale back your careernot because you choose to, but
because you fear outgrowing him,this is centering.
If you succeed in your careerbut you crave the
acknowledgement from him just tofeel legitimate and validated,
(18:31):
this is male centering.
If you feel guilty for investingin yourself unless he approves
it, this is male centering.
This level of orbiting will feellike love, will feel like
closeness because it createsconstant mental engagement, but
it is not true closeness.
If you're constantly referencinganother person and adjusting
(18:54):
yourself accordingly, and thisconstant mental motion feels
like intimacy, but it is nottrue intimacy.
Real intimacy happens when twopeople can stand face to face in
their own truths and choose tobe with each other.
Identifying male centrism is notabout blaming men.
It's not about men at all.
(19:15):
It's about you mapping yourinternal hierarchy, who has
power within you to destabilizeyou, who has power to inflate
you, who has the power tosilence you.
Whoever holds that power holdsyour psychological center.
And as always, I want you tocome to this awareness not as an
accusation, but as a reclamationof yourself.
(19:37):
The moment you recognize whatyour attention orbits around,
you can start to take control ofit.
The goal is not to remove menfrom your life.
The goal is to get closer tothem, the goal is to remove them
from the throne of yoursubconscious mind.
And once you start to see wheremen in your life actually sit,
you can decide whether theybelong there or not.
(19:59):
And that decision is thebeginning of your sovereignty.
With that I pray to Allahsubhanahu wa ta'ala, Ya Allah,
remove from my heart anyattachment that places your
creation above you.
Anchor my worth and my peace inyour dedication alone.
Grant me a clear sense of selfthat reflects only your
intention for me.
(20:20):
Free me from seeking validationfrom anybody else.
Allow me to love others withsincerity and without
dependence.
O Allah, allow me to decentermen in a healthy way, so that
only you occupy that centralspace in my mind and my heart.
Amin Ya Rabul Amin.
Please keep me in your daras.
(20:41):
I will talk to you guys nexttime.
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast.
Apply tools that you learn inthis podcast and your life will
be unrecognizably successful.
Now your host, Dr.
Kamal Abdar.
Hello, hello, hello everyone.
Peace and blessings be upon allof you.
I'm about to elaborate on atopic that comes up very, very
frequently in my coaching, andthat has to do with the topic of
(00:26):
decentering men.
This is also another one ofthose topics that's been a very
long time in the making and nowhas finally found its way into
my podcast.
And I will try to do it justice,but it is possible that I will
not be able to, despite of myhighest intentions, and it is
possible that you will seefuture podcasts that reference
this topic when I expand on it.
(00:48):
So don't be surprised.
This series is gonna have threeparts, and this conversation is
not about hating men or pushingthem away, which might be the
biggest misconception aroundthis topic.
Decentering men does not meanthat you stop loving them or you
stop respecting them or you stopvaluing your relationships with
them.
It means the exact opposite.
(01:10):
Decentering men means that a manno longer serves as an axis to
your nervous system.
And when that happens when yourworth, stability, and your
identity are no longer dependenton a man, you finally relate to
him very clearly and calmly, andyou end up developing a very
(01:30):
strong relationship with men inyour life.
In that case, your love stopsbeing anxious and performative.
It is very honest andrespectful, especially on both
sides.
So decentering men does notweaken your relationship with
them.
It removes the pressure and thedistortion that was otherwise
(01:50):
suffocating your relationships,and then when that pressure
lifts, the same relationshipsbecome extremely strong and
genuine.
So trust me when I tell you, nomatter how counterintuitive it
seems from the title,decentering men, it helps you
create healthier and strongerand more loving relationships
with them.
(02:11):
So please do keep an open mindand inshallah you will start to
see healthier alternativesthrough this podcast series.
Let me first start with adefinition like I love to do,
because things are often leftfor misinterpretation and
misunderstanding if you don'tunderstand clear definitions.
And before I can explain to youwhat it means to decenter men,
(02:33):
let me tell you what I mean bydecentering.
When something is centered, itmeans it becomes the reference
point of your inner world.
Your thoughts return to it overand over again.
And it's not just positivethoughts, negative thoughts
also.
Whatever you find referencingthe most with your thoughts
during your day is your center.
(02:55):
Your nervous system is trackingit.
If something is centered, it'sthe standard against which you
measure and filter most of yourthoughts in your life.
And this is what creates theoutcomes.
Another word that might beappropriate for centering is
orbiting.
Orbiting is what happens whensomething is centered, and
(03:15):
you're constantly referencingit, then you're automatically
orbiting around it through thegravity of your thoughts.
So in the metaphor of orbiting,there's space, there's the sun,
there's the axis, and the earththat has the gravitational pull
on it from the sun.
And in this case, the earthbeing you and the sun being the
(03:37):
object that you orbit with yourmind.
So centrism technically means amoderate political position, but
in this case I'm going to beusing it around the reference of
male centrism.
Because we are all centeringsomething to reference.
Human mind is created to thinkin references.
So by definition, the centerthat your mind orbits cannot
(03:59):
stay empty.
When you center somethingpsychologically, you're
referencing it with yourthoughts.
All of your gravitational pullis coming from that object, with
or without your consciousagreement.
So coming back to centering men,which looks like the object of
the orbit is the man.
It can be one man, it could beseveral men, it could be your
(04:20):
spouse alone, it could be a son,a father, a colleague, it could
be a cousin, a friend, acompetitor in your business, or
it could be all of the men.
So it could be that you'reorbiting one man or many men at
the same time through yourthoughts at any given time.
So like I said, I do see a lotof examples of this in my
(04:40):
coaching, but I also tell youthis because women are
socialized from a very young ageto make their entire life's
purpose about serving men, aboutobeying them, about putting them
on the pedestal, about followingthe leaders that are naturally
men, which of course is notbased on facts.
So when I'm inviting you todecenter men, I'm asking you to
(05:02):
do a lot of desocialization.
And this socialization didn'tjust happen to you in the past
as a child.
It is still happening to youactively.
It is still a major part of thepatriarchal world that continues
to feed its beliefs to womenthat their lives should revolve
around men, otherwise theirlives are not worth living.
(05:23):
Patriarchy tells you that if youare not being productive to a
level of a man the way hedefines it, then you're not
working hard enough.
Even though you might be workingvery hard to raise children, or
if you don't have children tomeasure that against, then you
might not be working onimproving yourself to a level of
a man otherwise.
A man centered world can veryeasily say what you're doing for
(05:48):
yourself is not enough becauseit is not for a man, or if
you're not doing it like a man.
Another very important area thatthis happens in is a woman's
faith and spirituality.
Many women come to my coachingthinking they're having a faith
crisis.
When what is actually happeningis that there is a crisis of
their faith in men, and yourfaith in Allah and your faith in
(06:11):
men are not the same thing.
But when a man has been sittingat the center of your spiritual
imagination as a protector, asthe only interpreter, as the
moral authority, as therepresentative of religion, if
there is a fall in a trust forthis man, then that might feel
like a fall of faith in itselffor you.
(06:31):
This is one of the most telltalesigns that you're living a male
centered life.
If you are subconsciouslyequating a man's leadership with
divine guidance, or a man'sapproval with Allah's pleasure,
or if you're equating that aman's religiosity is the right
way to be religious, then ofcourse disappointment in a man
(06:52):
is going to feel likedisappointment in God, a
Stakfarullah.
So if your idea of faith wasembodied primarily through a
husband, father, a male scholar,or a male community leader, then
a betrayal from any of them or ahypocrisy from any of these men
who are human can then have atendency to destabilize your
(07:14):
faith structure, which of coursewe don't want because our faith
should be reliant only on Allahsubhanahu wa ta'ala.
When the fog of male centrismlifts, you realize that your
faith in Allah has always beenthere, you just weren't able to
recognize it.
And that actually it was yourfaith in men that fractured, not
(07:35):
your faith in Allah.
Once you realize that there is aclearing and a healing that
follows, and you begin toseparate the creator from the
creation, and you begin torealize that Allah subhanahu wa
ta'ala's mercy didn't disappearjust because a husband or an
imam or a father failed to dotheir job.
Allah's justice does notevaporate because a man
(07:58):
disappointed you.
From this place of healing anddecentering men, your faith
becomes stronger.
It becomes more direct and lessmediated.
In that case you will begin torelate to Allah subhanahu wa
ta'ala without a maleintermediary, without an ego in
between, even though it's yoursor somebody else's.
And this is a very high level ofrefinement.
(08:20):
And this is heavy, I know, butinshallah with this series it
will become obvious to you whythis decentering is important
and how it can be done.
Male centrism all it does iscreate an unnecessary cognitive
load.
When your mind as a woman tracksconstantly a man's reaction
before you choose any of yourown actions, your mental
(08:42):
resources are being consumed.
And this is literally theft ofyour cognitive bandwidth.
It reduces your capacity ofcreativity, strategic thinking,
spiritual and personaldevelopment.
This is why I'm also going toclaim that decentering men is
not just about yourrelationships, it is also going
to help you reclaim yourintellectual and spiritual
(09:04):
bandwidth.
Centering something means that alarge part of your thought
process is dedicated toreferencing, analyzing, and
contributing to that object.
When you center people, thentheir opinion matters to you,
and any level of mistreatmentfor them is going to hold a lot
more weight for you, especiallyfor your ruminative mind.
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And this is going to have a muchlarger effect compared to let's
say a mistreatment from acomplete stranger.
When something is in the centerof your nervous system, it is
the center of your subconsciousmind.
It means that you're relating toit with both negative and
positive thoughts.
Orbiting someone creates anillusion of a strong
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relationship with them.
When orbiting itself does notmean intimacy or even a healthy
relationship.
Orbiting feels like closenessand it feels like a strong
relationship, but it does notnecessarily mean a healthy
relationship.
Because relationships aredefined by the thoughts you have
about a person.
You can have negative thoughtsabout a person and claim that
(10:09):
you're not in a relationshipwith them, when in reality
you're in a very strongrelationship with them.
So orbiting means that someonehas become the gravitational
center of your inner worldbecause that's what feels like
connection, and they're just atthe center of your orbit because
it carries the control of all ofyour emotional buttons.
(10:29):
To me, that is a verydisempowered way of living in a
relationship.
And this is not the same as youbeing happy at a man's success
in your life, you supportingthem or making dua for them or
being devoted to them.
I've told you guys many timesthat your devotion is what keeps
this world functional.
Your devotion to your workplace,to your family unit, to the
(10:50):
people in your life is whatkeeps the economies running.
Your devotion is gold primecurrency, and how you dispense
it is up to you.
Being devoted to a man or men inyour life does not mean that
you're orbiting does not meanthat you're orbiting them the
way I'm defining here.
Orbiting through male centrismdiminishes you.
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It undermines you, it underminesyour value.
It takes away from you withoutputting anything back.
When you are devoted to a manwithout centering him, it builds
you up.
There's a huge differencebetween the two.
So through decentering men, I'mnot asking you to stop thinking
about them altogether.
I'm asking you to rewire how youthink about them that is not
(11:34):
toxic to you as a person.
Orbiting or male centrism to atoxic extent includes what I
call inverted fixation.
You can orbit someone even whenyou claim you're done with them.
You can orbit someone throughresentment, through replaying
arguments, through fear of them,through anger at them.
(11:55):
All of that through buildingmental files against them.
It could show up as youcataloging their failures and
creating mental drama aroundthem.
What they should have done, whatthey didn't do, how they should
show up, how angry they shouldfeel, how happy they should be.
What in this case you're callingdistance is not actually
distance.
Hate, resentment, fear, judgmentis not distance.
(12:18):
It creates a type of anobsession and a type of a
closeness that you don't realizeyou're creating.
Obsession with proving someonewrong is not distance no matter
how much you try to prove it toyourself.
It is extremely close proximitybecause it is inverted fixation.
Women will come to me and saythat they're done with this man
in their life.
(12:38):
Yet a hundred percent of ourconversation that ensues is
about that man.
You have not truncated yourrelationship with the man if
you're triggered by him,traumatized by the thoughts.
You think you've washed yourhands off of him, but you've
made the relationship strongerin a negative direction.
So in your desperation to makeme believe that you're not
centering him, I know very wellthat not only you are centering
(13:02):
him, you're making the orbitingmuch stronger despite of your
best efforts to do otherwise.
If you are rehearsingconversations in your ordinary
life situations of what you'vetold him, of what you want to
tell him in the future, ifyou're narrating their
shortcomings to yourself overand over, he is still the axis.
(13:22):
Centrism is only the occupationof your thoughts, and that
occupation can be throughinverted fixation.
This is you holding a bunch ofnegative thoughts about him and
trying to convince yourself thatyou're not in a relationship
with that man anymore, or you'retrying to break it up.
I do hate to break it to you,you are in a relationship with
(13:43):
the man, and it's just yourthoughts of anger and resentment
and guilt.
Not only are you in arelationship, you are in a very
strong relationship.
And on top of that, this levelof relating to him is toxic to
you.
That man might not even knowthat this exists.
He might not be even aware thatyou're going through this.
This is why inverted fixationneeds to be healed, and it still
(14:06):
counts as orbiting.
It still counts as malecentrism.
Anger towards him might feel toyou that you're doing right by
the situation, and right by himby being angry at him for all
the wrongs.
But this is just you creatingillusion of distance in your
relationship with him while inreality you're tethering to him
even more.
It is anchoring you in one spotbecause this obsession does not
(14:30):
create your independence.
You are just mistaking yourconstant negative rumination for
decentering.
When you orbit someone you donot see them clearly.
You see them as a source, asource of your validation, a
source of your safety, source ofyour approval, source of your
threat, your disappointment.
You are not relating to thatperson, you're relating to a
(14:52):
power structure inside yourmind, and because of that,
you're either over functioningor overreacting, or you're
suppressing, suffocatingyourself and under functioning,
all at the same time with youcreating expectations to punish
them through your distance.
If your internal dialoguefrequently returns to a person,
(15:12):
whether it's in longing orresentment or fear or validation
seeking, they are the center.
And if they're at the center,your psychological energy bends
around them, and this type oforbiting shows up as
hypervigilance.
This is when you downplayyourself and your internal
stability rises or falls basedon his behavior.
(15:32):
In male centrism, you'vecompletely outsourced your
regulation.
You've handed somebody else theremote control of your nervous
system.
This level of orbitingsuffocates relationship because
when someone senses that yourpeace depends on them, they
either feel inflated withimportance or crushed by the
pressure of the expectation.
(15:53):
They may withdraw or they maytry to overcompensate which is
not true to their true self.
No human being was designed tobe the emotional axis for
another adult.
This is a huge responsibility.
Male centrism also destroys yourown self respect.
When your identity bends aroundsomeone else's approval, you
(16:14):
start to edit yourself and youdilute your ambition, and you
try not to speak of yourdiscomfort.
Over time, when this happensenough, you cannot tell the
difference between your truedesire and your adaptive, fond
response.
This level of response becomesnatural to you that it looks
like your personality.
This level of orbiting feelslike closeness because it
(16:37):
creates constant motion aroundthat person.
You're always thinking aboutthem, adjusting to them,
referencing them.
It feels intimate because itoccupies your mental space.
Decentering men does not meanyou stop loving them or
respecting them.
By this I do not mean that youhate men or you cut ties with
them.
Decentering men just means thatthe majority of your thoughts,
(16:59):
conscious or subconscious, donot relate to them and their
opinions and their treatmentstowards you, even and especially
if they're in a closerelationship with you.
And this is one of the mostcounterintuitive truths you will
ever learn.
You decenter men to get close tothem, and most women will resist
this idea because it soundsbackwards.
(17:21):
You were taught the opposite.
You were trained to believe thatcloseness comes from his
attention, your accommodation ofhis demands, your anticipation
of his emotions, your constantsacrifice.
You were told intimacy growswhen you revolve around him.
But this revolution around aperson does not create
closeness, it only creates theillusion of closeness.
(17:43):
Male centrism also veryimportantly shows up in your
spiritual decision making.
If your understanding ofobedience and modesty is
filtered through how it will bereceived by men rather than
through your own directrelationship with Allah, then
your faith structure is malereferenced.
If you fear displeasing yourhusband or a man in your life
(18:07):
more than you fear misaligningwith Allah's commands, this is
classic male centrism in faith.
Male centrism also shows up inambition.
If you scale back your careernot because you choose to, but
because you fear outgrowing him,this is centering.
If you succeed in your careerbut you crave the
acknowledgement from him just tofeel legitimate and validated,
(18:31):
this is male centering.
If you feel guilty for investingin yourself unless he approves
it, this is male centering.
This level of orbiting will feellike love, will feel like
closeness because it createsconstant mental engagement, but
it is not true closeness.
If you're constantly referencinganother person and adjusting
(18:54):
yourself accordingly, and thisconstant mental motion feels
like intimacy, but it is nottrue intimacy.
Real intimacy happens when twopeople can stand face to face in
their own truths and choose tobe with each other.
Identifying male centrism is notabout blaming men.
It's not about men at all.
(19:15):
It's about you mapping yourinternal hierarchy, who has
power within you to destabilizeyou, who has power to inflate
you, who has the power tosilence you.
Whoever holds that power holdsyour psychological center.
And as always, I want you tocome to this awareness not as an
accusation, but as a reclamationof yourself.
(19:37):
The moment you recognize whatyour attention orbits around,
you can start to take control ofit.
The goal is not to remove menfrom your life.
The goal is to get closer tothem, the goal is to remove them
from the throne of yoursubconscious mind.
And once you start to see wheremen in your life actually sit,
you can decide whether theybelong there or not.
(19:59):
And that decision is thebeginning of your sovereignty.
With that I pray to Allahsubhanahu wa ta'ala, Ya Allah,
remove from my heart anyattachment that places your
creation above you.
Anchor my worth and my peace inyour dedication alone.
Grant me a clear sense of selfthat reflects only your
intention for me.
(20:20):
Free me from seeking validationfrom anybody else.
Allow me to love others withsincerity and without
dependence.
O Allah, allow me to decentermen in a healthy way, so that
only you occupy that centralspace in my mind and my heart.
Amin Ya Rabul Amin.
Please keep me in your daras.
(20:41):
I will talk to you guys nexttime.
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