April 14, 2026 • 21 mins
In this episode, I share what changes when we decenter men and re-center Allah is real psychological and spiritual reordering that brings back dignity and peace in your life
We explore why organizing your self-worth around male reactions are a form of shirk, and how tawakkul in Allah restores a single, steady inner axis. From there, the conversation gets concrete: how service stops being transactional, why appreciation can be welcomed but not required, and how relationships improve when you remove the pressure of validation. I also break down what decentering looks like in career decisions, marriage dynamics and what this looks like for single and divorced women.
We talk about the patterns that keep men at the center: auditioning for approval in courtship, romanticizing inconsistency, replaying the past through resentment, or centering men through fear. You’ll learn simple ways to measure progress through the decision test, attention test, and emotional stability test, plus how boundaries become calmer when your identity is coherent. If this helped you, subscribe, share it with a friend who needs steadiness, and leave a review. What’s one area of your life where you want Allah back at the center?
I invite you to join The Ummi Collective. It is a weekly coaching program for Muslim mothers raising children on the autism spectrum.
Inside, you learn how to support your child’s development in a way that builds independence, confidence, and long-term success... without losing yourself in the process.
Apply for a Commitment Rate today
Listen
Watch
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:04):
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast.
Apply tools that you learn inthis podcast and your life will
be unrecognizably successful.
Now your host, Dr.
Kamal Akhtar.
Hello, hello, hello everyone.
SPEAKER_01 (00:17):
Peace and blessings be upon all of you.
In this podcast series, we'vecome from diagnosing and
treatment of decentering men inthe last two episodes.
Today's podcast is part three ofthat series and I'm gonna talk
about what your life has apotential to look like when you
have successfully decenteredmen.
Your shift will be behavioraland spiritual, and your acts
(00:40):
will become more aligned withyour values, which in turn will
elevate your relationship withAllah subhanahu wa ta'ala.
Your collaboration with a malepartner may still exist, but
agreement or disagreement withhim is not going to replace your
internal authority.
Your actions are going to becomeclearer because they're not
going to change for the need ofvalidation.
(01:03):
Once you have successfullydecentered men, your efforts are
going to be from genuine desireof contribution, not just
because that's what's expectedof you.
So today I will be telling youall about what life will look
like through this journey.
So first things first, there isa huge spiritual benefit because
centering men is a type ofshirk.
(01:25):
And I learned this from myteacher Umma Zakiya, which I've
mentioned before.
When your emotional stability asa woman, your sense of worth,
and all of your decision makingcapacity gets organized around
reactions of a male in yourlife, then men have moved into a
position that only Allah shouldoccupy.
(01:45):
So this becomes a type of shirk,which is extremely horrifying if
you ask me.
Islam teaches us that the heartmust have a single axis, which
is Tawakul in Allah.
Ultimate reliance, all of thereference that our mind makes
should only be to Allah.
When those type of mentalfunctions migrate towards
(02:07):
people, especially men, yoursoul becomes disordered.
And of course, as you have seen,this does not mean a woman
consciously starts to worshipmen, but if you are
hypervigilant towards the moodof men in your life, then your
heart has organized itselfaround another human being
instead of the creator.
And what might look likedevotion or romantic attachment
(02:30):
is just deeper spiritualmisalignment.
This is why I value decenteringmen from women's life so much,
because this is what becomes anultimate act of spiritual
correction.
And the irony is profoundbecause when Allah subhanahu wa
ta'ala returns to your center ofpsychology, relationship with
men improve because the pressurethat you've been putting them
(02:53):
under disappears.
What remains is a relationshipbetween two human beings, both
orbiting the same divine centerinstead of orbiting each other.
Also what happens when youdecenter men is that internal
equation changes.
Your actions stand on your own.
If you contribute at home, atwork, if you show up in service
(03:17):
to your relationships, it isbecause this is reflecting your
standards and intentions.
You might welcome theappreciation that other people
extend towards you as an outcomeof your service towards them,
but that appreciation is notrequired for your action to be
meaningful, because you'vedecided your actions are already
meaningful.
(03:37):
And this one decision alone onyour part removes an immense
amount of invisible pressurefrom your relationships.
That's how they become lesstransactional and more sincere.
From a stable center, you loveeveryone unconditionally that
you are related to.
You collaborate with respect,and those relationships thrive.
(04:00):
In earning money as a woman, youdecentering men looks like if
you previously pursued workbecause a man in your life
wanted you to, your motivationwas externally anchored.
Even outwardly if you appearsuccessful, your internal
experience will carryfrustration because all the
decisions you've been making sofar were not fully centered in
(04:23):
your own values.
Practical decentering at yourprofessional level does not mean
that you reject collaboration oragreement with men.
You may very well decide thatearning money aligns with a
shared vision with a man in yourlife, but the decision
ultimately passes through yourown center.
You make money because yourecognize your own education,
(04:45):
talent, capacity, because thechoice resonates with you in
your life.
The choice gives you the abilityto build a life that you want.
Agreement with a partner cansupport that choice, but it does
not replace your own internalauthority.
In marriage, male centrism mightbe appearing as emotional
(05:05):
dependency and you confusingthat for devotion.
And a common example of thatthat I come across in my
coaching is that if you thinkyour effort only matters if your
husband acknowledges it orappreciates you for it, then you
know for sure that male centrismis still a problem for you.
Successful decentering restoresyour independence within your
(05:27):
contribution.
You maintain your home and youinvest in your family and your
husband because those actionsalign with what you want.
You might enjoy the appreciationfrom your husband and it might
still matter to you, but theabsence of it does not
destabilize your relationship.
And in that setting, therelationship continues to become
stronger because your effort isno longer charged with the need
(05:51):
of validation.
So in marriage it might havelooked like I clean all day and
he doesn't appreciate it.
The problem is not that you'rechoosing to clean, the problem
is that his appreciation hasbecome the measuring stake of
your worth.
If your effort only feelsmeaningful when he acknowledges
it, then your identity is stillorbiting him.
(06:14):
Successfully decentering menlooks like that your action
become independent of hisreactions.
You clean because you value aclean home, you contribute
because it aligns with yourstandards.
If he appreciates it, that'swonderful.
If he doesn't, it does notmatter to you.
When you start decentering men,the actions you do quote unquote
(06:36):
for them begin to shift, becauseyour actions are no longer bids
for recognition, they are yourconscious choices.
You may even do less becauseyou're no longer unconsciously
trying to earn worth, and thatis okay.
You may do the same amount ofwork or you may choose to do
more work, but all without anemotional bookkeeping, things
(06:59):
that take a lot of mental tollon you.
And this is what changes thedynamic with men because a lot
of women mistake centering menas a form of devotion or even
love.
But when you contrast that withwhat happens when you're
centered in yourself, when youreffort is no longer charged with
the need of validation, youdon't weaponize your effort
(07:21):
anymore, and it gives a lot ofdepth and meaning to your
relationships.
All of this does not mean thatthe man in your life will
suddenly start to appreciateeverything you do.
Maybe some men do appreciate itand some will continue to, some
have never appreciated youreffort and they won't.
And they won't start now.
But the transformation for youis internal.
(07:42):
Your peace is no longercontingent on their appreciation
or their reaction.
This is true decentering.
You can want a marriage deeply,you can desire companionship,
children, intimacy, partnership.
For single women, male centrismis socially acceptable.
It looks like hopefulintentionality about marriage.
(08:05):
But internally your nervoussystem as a single woman becomes
organized around male attention.
If you're repeatedly checkingmessages, if you have anxiety
about the future, he did this,what does that mean?
He didn't do this, what doesthat mean?
If you're overanalyzing a man'saction, then he is already at
the center of your psychologicalorbit.
(08:27):
You can deeply want marriage,you can desire companionship,
children, intimacy, partnership.
None of that is weakness ordesperation on your part.
But if your emotional stabilitydepends on whether a man chooses
you, how quickly he chooses you,or if you're hyper focused on
refining your qualities so thatyou can be chosen by a man,
(08:50):
you're not looking for a spouse.
You're still looking for asavior.
A man is still the center.
If you're a single woman,decentering men allows courtship
to become very healthy.
You pursue marriage sincerelywhile maintaining your internal
stability.
So what your courtship processstarts to look like is that you
(09:11):
evaluate true compatibilityrather than auditioning men for
approval.
In the middle of all of that,your productivity, your
friendships, your spiritual lifewill remain intact because your
identity is not suspended whileyou're waiting to be chosen.
A single Muslim woman centeringmen does not look anything
(09:32):
abnormal.
It actually looks hopeful.
It looks like you're puttingyourself out there.
But if you're constantlychecking your phone repeatedly,
rereading messages and scanningthem for tone, wondering why he
hasn't responded or interpretinghis silence as commentary on
your worth, you may be tellingyourself on the surface level
(09:53):
that you're just beingintentional about your marriage.
But one man's inconsistency hasthe power of destabilize your
sense of value, then he hasalways been at the center.
You need to pursue marriageafter decentering men, because
pursuit of marriage whileorbiting men is extremely
detrimental.
(10:14):
As a single woman, aftersuccessfully decentering men,
when you meet someone, you getto know him, you ask real
questions, you evaluatecompatibility, and you do not
turn his interest or lack ofinterest into the proof of your
desirability.
You truly enjoy the courtshipprocess, since you've stopped
(10:35):
softening your standards becauseyou're afraid of being alone.
You start evaluating him and thesituation through a clearer
lens, and anytime things don'twork out between a potential and
you, then you walk away withoutspiraling.
After successfully decenteringmen, your validation only comes
(10:55):
from yourself.
You see red flags clearly, youdo not romanticize
inconsistency, you do not givein to the potential of how he
can change in the future, you donot excuse disrespect, and
especially you do not confuseattention with intention.
When you're not desperate to bechosen by a man, you yourself
(11:17):
choose better.
All of this because your centeris intact, rooted in a healthy
ego and orbiting Allah only, andholding on to Allah this tightly
removes urgency from yournervous system.
You can want a man, you can hopeand pray for him, but he is also
not going to be the excess ofall of your attention.
(11:39):
Once Allah is the main center ofyour existence, your pursuit of
marriage, your marriage itselfbecomes a genuine partnership.
There is no role of salvationleft for the marriage to
perform.
And again, the irony is that menwill respect you more when you
as a woman stop revolving aroundthem.
(12:00):
And this is not because mensubconsciously want distance
from you.
They actually crave closenessjust like any other human being.
But this happens because youractions are no longer based on
emotional manipulation, becauseyour stability becomes magnetic,
and that way you will attractthe right type of man.
Okay, so now let's move on toanother scenario, like for
(12:22):
divorced women.
In this case, orbiting orcentering men persists through
resentment, like I talked aboutbefore, inverted fixation.
This is a concept I talked aboutin the first part, episode two
hundred seventy nine.
In this case, the mindrepeatedly revisits the past, it
reconstructs argument, and itnarrates to you your ex
(12:44):
husband's failures.
You might want to believe thatyou're doing this as a part of
your closure process, butpsychologically it's yet another
form of centering a man.
Decentering in this stage meansreclaiming your mental
bandwidth.
The past might remain as a partof your personal history, but it
(13:04):
does not occupy the center ofyour thought constantly.
Your attention correctly returnsto building a future, rather
than replaying a relationshipthat has already ended.
This inverted fixation alsoappears when women are fearful
of men, based on their pastexperiences, and if that is the
case for you, then dealing withthe irrational fears, mind
(13:27):
management, somaticexperiencing, all of that will
heal and help you decenter men.
Since in this case you've beencentering them through fear.
Now I've given you a couple ofscenarios, but I'm gonna tell
you more accurately how you canmeasure if you've successfully
decentered men, or if you're onyour way to doing that.
(13:49):
To monitor where you are in thisprocess, give yourself a
decision test.
This is when you can understandthat all of your decisions
originate from your inner self.
Ask yourself, how many of yourdecisions are you still making
because of someone else'sexpectation of you and that
they're anticipating that fromyou?
When decentering occurs, yourdecisions pass through your
(14:12):
personal values.
You are always consciously orsubconsciously choosing these
decisions.
A successful test of decenteringmen is that you will choose to
do what your father, brother,husband, son, or a male cousin
expects of you, but in the endthe decision is yours.
(14:32):
It's coming from you because youmade that choice.
You might have been influencedby a man's advice, but the
decision is coming from youinternally.
With successful decentering, youwill not fall victim into the oh
he made me do that.
Nobody else can make you doanything.
All of your decisions come fromyour thoughts.
(14:54):
Another way to tell successfuldecentering of men is the
attention test that reveals thetrue center of your mind.
When you are alone, when you'rebored, when you're quiet, when
you're not rushed or busy to doanything, where does your
attention go?
If your thoughts repeatedly turnto analyzing a man's behavior or
(15:15):
thinking about a man, the orbitof a man is intact.
When decentering occurs, yourattention during reflection time
expands towards innerreflection, growth, your own
creativity, future planning,prayer, your spiritual presence.
Now this level of reflectionmight take a bit of practice
(15:37):
because it requires for you towatch your thoughts on a larger
scale, but it can be done.
And it is a great practice toestablish because you will start
with small observations of yourthoughts throughout the day and
then you will move on to morebigger patterns.
Then there's also a test ofemotional stability, and this is
measured through your ownnervous system's regulation.
(15:59):
When men are centered, youremotions fluctuate with their
moods.
When successful decentering hasoccurred, you can observe a
man's emotion withoutinternalizing it or taking
responsibility for it.
You're able to separate yourinner environment from theirs
and you can carry your ownopinions, especially if they're
(16:20):
different from everyone else'sin the room.
And the deepest shift thatoccurs that you can test for in
your life that your ownpsychological coherence will
open the door to authenticspirituality.
In this case, your faith is nolonger going to function
primarily as an anxietymanagement tool or a shame
(16:42):
reduction tool.
Instead, it's going to becomecentral.
It's going to become a part ofthe fiber of your being.
At this level of successfuldecentering, a deep spiritual
realignment occurs.
You begin to relate to Allahsubhanahu wa ta'ala directly
rather than interpreting thesincerity of your actions
(17:03):
through the fluctuating approvalof men in your life.
Your dhikr, your tavakul, all ofthat replaces rumination and
control, and worship becomesabout true connection.
This whole shift reorganizesyour life around a vertical axis
of your deep connection toAllah.
Your marriage, your family, yourwork, your relationships, all of
(17:27):
that still remains important ifyou choose for them to be
important, but they no longerreplace your defining identity.
When you successfully decentermen, you become a woman who's
operating from an alignment thathandles boundaries differently.
When an in-law oversteps, you donot react with suppressed
(17:48):
resentment or explosiveconfrontation.
You state your limit calmly andclearly, but your coherence and
your identity does not depend onbeing perceived as endlessly
agreeable.
If someone does interpret yourboundary as disrespect, you do
not spiral into shame.
All you do is pause to evaluateif your conduct was aligned with
(18:12):
your value and with IslamicAdab.
If it was, then yourresponsibility is to remain
steady, steady in your dignity,belief in your own inherent
worth and your decision makingcapacity.
And if your evaluation tells youthat your conduct was not
aligned with Islamic Adab, thenyou lovingly redirect yourself
with Istigfar.
(18:33):
A woman who has successfullydecentered men and centered
Allah is operating near theupper range of soulful
intelligence, or the SQ, becauseyour nervous system is going to
stay regulated through youridentity being coherent, through
your spirituality being anchoredin Allah.
You can experiencedisappointment, you can hold
(18:56):
ambiguity, and you will notglobalize it or panic about it.
Your actions are going to becomeintentional because you can
create a gap between a triggerand your response.
Decentering men is not just arelational concept, it's a whole
neuropsychologicalreorganization.
It is rewiring at the deepestlevel.
(19:19):
At this highest level, thistransformation produces a woman
who is calm without beingpassive and grounded without
being fearful.
This transformation mirrorsexactly what I describe as a
high soulful intelligence setpoint in my program.
A woman who has decentered menand centered Allah operates from
(19:39):
a regulated nervous system.
When you move through the fulltriangulation that I talked
about previously, decenteringmen, stabilizing your sense of
self, and centering Allah, yourlife will begin to feel
internally ordered.
And because of that, you'regoing to start to treat every
(20:00):
interaction with a human beingwith respect and dignity.
Your nervous system is going toreturn to home base.
With that I pray to Allah, YaAllah, return my heart to its
true center, that is in youalone.
Free me from seeking worth,peace, and direction from your
(20:20):
creation.
O Allah, allow me the ultimatesuccess in this world and the
next from the decisions thatflow from you alone.
Amin Ya Rabul Al Amin.
Please keep me in your du'as.
I will talk to you guys nexttime.
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast.
Apply tools that you learn inthis podcast and your life will
be unrecognizably successful.
Now your host, Dr.
Kamal Akhtar.
Hello, hello, hello everyone.
SPEAKER_01 (00:17):
Peace and blessings be upon all of you.
In this podcast series, we'vecome from diagnosing and
treatment of decentering men inthe last two episodes.
Today's podcast is part three ofthat series and I'm gonna talk
about what your life has apotential to look like when you
have successfully decenteredmen.
Your shift will be behavioraland spiritual, and your acts
(00:40):
will become more aligned withyour values, which in turn will
elevate your relationship withAllah subhanahu wa ta'ala.
Your collaboration with a malepartner may still exist, but
agreement or disagreement withhim is not going to replace your
internal authority.
Your actions are going to becomeclearer because they're not
going to change for the need ofvalidation.
(01:03):
Once you have successfullydecentered men, your efforts are
going to be from genuine desireof contribution, not just
because that's what's expectedof you.
So today I will be telling youall about what life will look
like through this journey.
So first things first, there isa huge spiritual benefit because
centering men is a type ofshirk.
(01:25):
And I learned this from myteacher Umma Zakiya, which I've
mentioned before.
When your emotional stability asa woman, your sense of worth,
and all of your decision makingcapacity gets organized around
reactions of a male in yourlife, then men have moved into a
position that only Allah shouldoccupy.
(01:45):
So this becomes a type of shirk,which is extremely horrifying if
you ask me.
Islam teaches us that the heartmust have a single axis, which
is Tawakul in Allah.
Ultimate reliance, all of thereference that our mind makes
should only be to Allah.
When those type of mentalfunctions migrate towards
(02:07):
people, especially men, yoursoul becomes disordered.
And of course, as you have seen,this does not mean a woman
consciously starts to worshipmen, but if you are
hypervigilant towards the moodof men in your life, then your
heart has organized itselfaround another human being
instead of the creator.
And what might look likedevotion or romantic attachment
(02:30):
is just deeper spiritualmisalignment.
This is why I value decenteringmen from women's life so much,
because this is what becomes anultimate act of spiritual
correction.
And the irony is profoundbecause when Allah subhanahu wa
ta'ala returns to your center ofpsychology, relationship with
men improve because the pressurethat you've been putting them
(02:53):
under disappears.
What remains is a relationshipbetween two human beings, both
orbiting the same divine centerinstead of orbiting each other.
Also what happens when youdecenter men is that internal
equation changes.
Your actions stand on your own.
If you contribute at home, atwork, if you show up in service
(03:17):
to your relationships, it isbecause this is reflecting your
standards and intentions.
You might welcome theappreciation that other people
extend towards you as an outcomeof your service towards them,
but that appreciation is notrequired for your action to be
meaningful, because you'vedecided your actions are already
meaningful.
(03:37):
And this one decision alone onyour part removes an immense
amount of invisible pressurefrom your relationships.
That's how they become lesstransactional and more sincere.
From a stable center, you loveeveryone unconditionally that
you are related to.
You collaborate with respect,and those relationships thrive.
(04:00):
In earning money as a woman, youdecentering men looks like if
you previously pursued workbecause a man in your life
wanted you to, your motivationwas externally anchored.
Even outwardly if you appearsuccessful, your internal
experience will carryfrustration because all the
decisions you've been making sofar were not fully centered in
(04:23):
your own values.
Practical decentering at yourprofessional level does not mean
that you reject collaboration oragreement with men.
You may very well decide thatearning money aligns with a
shared vision with a man in yourlife, but the decision
ultimately passes through yourown center.
You make money because yourecognize your own education,
(04:45):
talent, capacity, because thechoice resonates with you in
your life.
The choice gives you the abilityto build a life that you want.
Agreement with a partner cansupport that choice, but it does
not replace your own internalauthority.
In marriage, male centrism mightbe appearing as emotional
(05:05):
dependency and you confusingthat for devotion.
And a common example of thatthat I come across in my
coaching is that if you thinkyour effort only matters if your
husband acknowledges it orappreciates you for it, then you
know for sure that male centrismis still a problem for you.
Successful decentering restoresyour independence within your
(05:27):
contribution.
You maintain your home and youinvest in your family and your
husband because those actionsalign with what you want.
You might enjoy the appreciationfrom your husband and it might
still matter to you, but theabsence of it does not
destabilize your relationship.
And in that setting, therelationship continues to become
stronger because your effort isno longer charged with the need
(05:51):
of validation.
So in marriage it might havelooked like I clean all day and
he doesn't appreciate it.
The problem is not that you'rechoosing to clean, the problem
is that his appreciation hasbecome the measuring stake of
your worth.
If your effort only feelsmeaningful when he acknowledges
it, then your identity is stillorbiting him.
(06:14):
Successfully decentering menlooks like that your action
become independent of hisreactions.
You clean because you value aclean home, you contribute
because it aligns with yourstandards.
If he appreciates it, that'swonderful.
If he doesn't, it does notmatter to you.
When you start decentering men,the actions you do quote unquote
(06:36):
for them begin to shift, becauseyour actions are no longer bids
for recognition, they are yourconscious choices.
You may even do less becauseyou're no longer unconsciously
trying to earn worth, and thatis okay.
You may do the same amount ofwork or you may choose to do
more work, but all without anemotional bookkeeping, things
(06:59):
that take a lot of mental tollon you.
And this is what changes thedynamic with men because a lot
of women mistake centering menas a form of devotion or even
love.
But when you contrast that withwhat happens when you're
centered in yourself, when youreffort is no longer charged with
the need of validation, youdon't weaponize your effort
(07:21):
anymore, and it gives a lot ofdepth and meaning to your
relationships.
All of this does not mean thatthe man in your life will
suddenly start to appreciateeverything you do.
Maybe some men do appreciate itand some will continue to, some
have never appreciated youreffort and they won't.
And they won't start now.
But the transformation for youis internal.
(07:42):
Your peace is no longercontingent on their appreciation
or their reaction.
This is true decentering.
You can want a marriage deeply,you can desire companionship,
children, intimacy, partnership.
For single women, male centrismis socially acceptable.
It looks like hopefulintentionality about marriage.
(08:05):
But internally your nervoussystem as a single woman becomes
organized around male attention.
If you're repeatedly checkingmessages, if you have anxiety
about the future, he did this,what does that mean?
He didn't do this, what doesthat mean?
If you're overanalyzing a man'saction, then he is already at
the center of your psychologicalorbit.
(08:27):
You can deeply want marriage,you can desire companionship,
children, intimacy, partnership.
None of that is weakness ordesperation on your part.
But if your emotional stabilitydepends on whether a man chooses
you, how quickly he chooses you,or if you're hyper focused on
refining your qualities so thatyou can be chosen by a man,
(08:50):
you're not looking for a spouse.
You're still looking for asavior.
A man is still the center.
If you're a single woman,decentering men allows courtship
to become very healthy.
You pursue marriage sincerelywhile maintaining your internal
stability.
So what your courtship processstarts to look like is that you
(09:11):
evaluate true compatibilityrather than auditioning men for
approval.
In the middle of all of that,your productivity, your
friendships, your spiritual lifewill remain intact because your
identity is not suspended whileyou're waiting to be chosen.
A single Muslim woman centeringmen does not look anything
(09:32):
abnormal.
It actually looks hopeful.
It looks like you're puttingyourself out there.
But if you're constantlychecking your phone repeatedly,
rereading messages and scanningthem for tone, wondering why he
hasn't responded or interpretinghis silence as commentary on
your worth, you may be tellingyourself on the surface level
(09:53):
that you're just beingintentional about your marriage.
But one man's inconsistency hasthe power of destabilize your
sense of value, then he hasalways been at the center.
You need to pursue marriageafter decentering men, because
pursuit of marriage whileorbiting men is extremely
detrimental.
(10:14):
As a single woman, aftersuccessfully decentering men,
when you meet someone, you getto know him, you ask real
questions, you evaluatecompatibility, and you do not
turn his interest or lack ofinterest into the proof of your
desirability.
You truly enjoy the courtshipprocess, since you've stopped
(10:35):
softening your standards becauseyou're afraid of being alone.
You start evaluating him and thesituation through a clearer
lens, and anytime things don'twork out between a potential and
you, then you walk away withoutspiraling.
After successfully decenteringmen, your validation only comes
(10:55):
from yourself.
You see red flags clearly, youdo not romanticize
inconsistency, you do not givein to the potential of how he
can change in the future, you donot excuse disrespect, and
especially you do not confuseattention with intention.
When you're not desperate to bechosen by a man, you yourself
(11:17):
choose better.
All of this because your centeris intact, rooted in a healthy
ego and orbiting Allah only, andholding on to Allah this tightly
removes urgency from yournervous system.
You can want a man, you can hopeand pray for him, but he is also
not going to be the excess ofall of your attention.
(11:39):
Once Allah is the main center ofyour existence, your pursuit of
marriage, your marriage itselfbecomes a genuine partnership.
There is no role of salvationleft for the marriage to
perform.
And again, the irony is that menwill respect you more when you
as a woman stop revolving aroundthem.
(12:00):
And this is not because mensubconsciously want distance
from you.
They actually crave closenessjust like any other human being.
But this happens because youractions are no longer based on
emotional manipulation, becauseyour stability becomes magnetic,
and that way you will attractthe right type of man.
Okay, so now let's move on toanother scenario, like for
(12:22):
divorced women.
In this case, orbiting orcentering men persists through
resentment, like I talked aboutbefore, inverted fixation.
This is a concept I talked aboutin the first part, episode two
hundred seventy nine.
In this case, the mindrepeatedly revisits the past, it
reconstructs argument, and itnarrates to you your ex
(12:44):
husband's failures.
You might want to believe thatyou're doing this as a part of
your closure process, butpsychologically it's yet another
form of centering a man.
Decentering in this stage meansreclaiming your mental
bandwidth.
The past might remain as a partof your personal history, but it
(13:04):
does not occupy the center ofyour thought constantly.
Your attention correctly returnsto building a future, rather
than replaying a relationshipthat has already ended.
This inverted fixation alsoappears when women are fearful
of men, based on their pastexperiences, and if that is the
case for you, then dealing withthe irrational fears, mind
(13:27):
management, somaticexperiencing, all of that will
heal and help you decenter men.
Since in this case you've beencentering them through fear.
Now I've given you a couple ofscenarios, but I'm gonna tell
you more accurately how you canmeasure if you've successfully
decentered men, or if you're onyour way to doing that.
(13:49):
To monitor where you are in thisprocess, give yourself a
decision test.
This is when you can understandthat all of your decisions
originate from your inner self.
Ask yourself, how many of yourdecisions are you still making
because of someone else'sexpectation of you and that
they're anticipating that fromyou?
When decentering occurs, yourdecisions pass through your
(14:12):
personal values.
You are always consciously orsubconsciously choosing these
decisions.
A successful test of decenteringmen is that you will choose to
do what your father, brother,husband, son, or a male cousin
expects of you, but in the endthe decision is yours.
(14:32):
It's coming from you because youmade that choice.
You might have been influencedby a man's advice, but the
decision is coming from youinternally.
With successful decentering, youwill not fall victim into the oh
he made me do that.
Nobody else can make you doanything.
All of your decisions come fromyour thoughts.
(14:54):
Another way to tell successfuldecentering of men is the
attention test that reveals thetrue center of your mind.
When you are alone, when you'rebored, when you're quiet, when
you're not rushed or busy to doanything, where does your
attention go?
If your thoughts repeatedly turnto analyzing a man's behavior or
(15:15):
thinking about a man, the orbitof a man is intact.
When decentering occurs, yourattention during reflection time
expands towards innerreflection, growth, your own
creativity, future planning,prayer, your spiritual presence.
Now this level of reflectionmight take a bit of practice
(15:37):
because it requires for you towatch your thoughts on a larger
scale, but it can be done.
And it is a great practice toestablish because you will start
with small observations of yourthoughts throughout the day and
then you will move on to morebigger patterns.
Then there's also a test ofemotional stability, and this is
measured through your ownnervous system's regulation.
(15:59):
When men are centered, youremotions fluctuate with their
moods.
When successful decentering hasoccurred, you can observe a
man's emotion withoutinternalizing it or taking
responsibility for it.
You're able to separate yourinner environment from theirs
and you can carry your ownopinions, especially if they're
(16:20):
different from everyone else'sin the room.
And the deepest shift thatoccurs that you can test for in
your life that your ownpsychological coherence will
open the door to authenticspirituality.
In this case, your faith is nolonger going to function
primarily as an anxietymanagement tool or a shame
(16:42):
reduction tool.
Instead, it's going to becomecentral.
It's going to become a part ofthe fiber of your being.
At this level of successfuldecentering, a deep spiritual
realignment occurs.
You begin to relate to Allahsubhanahu wa ta'ala directly
rather than interpreting thesincerity of your actions
(17:03):
through the fluctuating approvalof men in your life.
Your dhikr, your tavakul, all ofthat replaces rumination and
control, and worship becomesabout true connection.
This whole shift reorganizesyour life around a vertical axis
of your deep connection toAllah.
Your marriage, your family, yourwork, your relationships, all of
(17:27):
that still remains important ifyou choose for them to be
important, but they no longerreplace your defining identity.
When you successfully decentermen, you become a woman who's
operating from an alignment thathandles boundaries differently.
When an in-law oversteps, you donot react with suppressed
(17:48):
resentment or explosiveconfrontation.
You state your limit calmly andclearly, but your coherence and
your identity does not depend onbeing perceived as endlessly
agreeable.
If someone does interpret yourboundary as disrespect, you do
not spiral into shame.
All you do is pause to evaluateif your conduct was aligned with
(18:12):
your value and with IslamicAdab.
If it was, then yourresponsibility is to remain
steady, steady in your dignity,belief in your own inherent
worth and your decision makingcapacity.
And if your evaluation tells youthat your conduct was not
aligned with Islamic Adab, thenyou lovingly redirect yourself
with Istigfar.
(18:33):
A woman who has successfullydecentered men and centered
Allah is operating near theupper range of soulful
intelligence, or the SQ, becauseyour nervous system is going to
stay regulated through youridentity being coherent, through
your spirituality being anchoredin Allah.
You can experiencedisappointment, you can hold
(18:56):
ambiguity, and you will notglobalize it or panic about it.
Your actions are going to becomeintentional because you can
create a gap between a triggerand your response.
Decentering men is not just arelational concept, it's a whole
neuropsychologicalreorganization.
It is rewiring at the deepestlevel.
(19:19):
At this highest level, thistransformation produces a woman
who is calm without beingpassive and grounded without
being fearful.
This transformation mirrorsexactly what I describe as a
high soulful intelligence setpoint in my program.
A woman who has decentered menand centered Allah operates from
(19:39):
a regulated nervous system.
When you move through the fulltriangulation that I talked
about previously, decenteringmen, stabilizing your sense of
self, and centering Allah, yourlife will begin to feel
internally ordered.
And because of that, you'regoing to start to treat every
(20:00):
interaction with a human beingwith respect and dignity.
Your nervous system is going toreturn to home base.
With that I pray to Allah, YaAllah, return my heart to its
true center, that is in youalone.
Free me from seeking worth,peace, and direction from your
(20:20):
creation.
O Allah, allow me the ultimatesuccess in this world and the
next from the decisions thatflow from you alone.
Amin Ya Rabul Al Amin.
Please keep me in your du'as.
I will talk to you guys nexttime.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Betrayal Weekly
Betrayal Weekly is back for a new season. Every Thursday, Betrayal Weekly shares first-hand accounts of broken trust, shocking deceptions, and the trail of destruction they leave behind. Hosted by Andrea Gunning, this weekly ongoing series digs into real-life stories of betrayal and the aftermath. From stories of double lives to dark discoveries, these are cautionary tales and accounts of resilience against all odds. From the producers of the critically acclaimed Betrayal series, Betrayal Weekly drops new episodes every Thursday. If you would like to share your story, you can reach out to the Betrayal Team by emailing them at betrayalpod@gmail.com and follow us on Instagram at @betrayalpod and @glasspodcasts. Please join our Substack for additional exclusive content, curated book recommendations, and community discussions. Sign up FREE by clicking this link Beyond Betrayal Substack. Join our community dedicated to truth, resilience, and healing. Your voice matters! Be a part of our Betrayal journey on Substack.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com