June 16, 2026 • 32 mins
If you’ve ever said “I just want a safe space” and meant “I’m tired of walking on eggshells,” this conversation will land. I’m talking about the kind of emotional safety that lets you breathe, speak, and exist without shrinking yourself and also the hidden trap of making your peace dependent on other people’s approval.
We start by naming the real need: safety is a basic human requirement, and for many Muslim women it’s been tangled with family expectations, marriage dynamics, community judgment, and spiritual language that can sometimes be used to silence pain. I share an Islamic framework for protection that isn’t one sided control but mutual allyship, and then we pivot into the part most of us miss: if you’re waiting for people to stop judging you before you feel safe, you’ll be waiting a long time. The work is learning how to create internal safety through your mind, your relationship with yourself, your relationship with Allah, and nervous system regulation without normalizing harm.
The turning point is understanding discernment versus judgment. Discernment is calm and clear; it helps you recognize patterns that violate your dignity and take action. Judgment is charged and draining; it keeps your focus glued to what others “should” do and recreates an unsafe environment inside you, even if you change rooms, friends, or communities. We also cover the hard nuance: how internal responsibility can sound like blame if you’ve lived with chronic invalidation, and how to hold your reality while refusing to make other people’s opinions your identity.
You’ll leave with practical embodied prompts for walking into tense spaces, plus a faith anchored way to center tawakkul so your dignity isn’t up for debate. Subscribe, share this with a friend who needs a safer inner world, and leave a review with one boundary you’re ready to practice this week.
I invite you to join The Ummi Collective. It is a weekly coaching program for Muslim mothers raising children on the autism spectrum.
Inside, you learn how to support your child’s development in a way that builds independence, confidence, and long-term success... without losing yourself in the process.
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Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_00 (00:04):
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast.
Apply tools that you learn inthis podcast and your life will
be unrecognizably successful.
Now your host, Dr.
Kamal Abdar.
SPEAKER_01 (00:16):
Hello, hello, hello everyone.
Peace and blessings be upon allof you.
Today we're gonna be talkingabout the topic of safe spaces.
I hear a lot of women talkingabout this and how they want to
be in a safe space and how theyadmire women that are able to
have safe spaces around them.
And this is a very basicbiological need.
To be able to exist in anenvironment where you don't have
(00:39):
fear of harm, but even beyondthat, you don't have the fear of
someone's judgment.
What a safe space offers is anenvironment without judgment,
and that is a huge blessingwhere you're able to exist in a
space where you're not onconstant guard.
So I tried to make this podcastabout the regular 20 minutes
(01:00):
that I usually do, but I wasunable to, mostly because I do
want to provide you guys somecriticisms that you might hear
that you might yourself bewondering about in the
background but not be able toput language to it.
So first I'm gonna give you allthe concepts, then I'm gonna
give you some possiblecriticisms that the listeners
might have.
And you can decide if thecritical feedback I'm talking
(01:22):
about applies to you or not.
And if it does, in that case Iwould ask you to come back and
listen to the podcast from thebeginning again, just so you'd
be able to hear it from adifferent lens.
So in this episode I'm gonnatalk about how to create your
own safe space.
I will teach you how to choosesafer people without becoming
bitter or reactive to yoursituations or without
(01:45):
spiritually bypassing harm.
To me, everyone deserves a safespace.
Place where you can exist, thatyou can express yourself, and
you can be creative, where youdon't have to alter yourself
beyond recognition just to beable to survive.
And by that I don't mean thatyou don't change the way you
present yourself like in frontof your mother versus your
(02:06):
husband or your employee.
Of course your demeanor changeswhen you're in different
company, but I'm talking abouteven in the presence of these
people, you don't feel like youhave to censor yourself just to
get your point across, or thatyou're not walking on eggshells
and you're in constant fear ofother people's reactions and
sensitivity.
I'm going to teach you how tocreate your safe space for
(02:28):
yourself because you deserve it.
Everyone deserves that.
And for that to happen, you haveto know that if you're waiting
for other people to stop judgingyou, for you to call it your
safe space, then you'll bewaiting for a long time.
Some people out of their mildintentions or just out of their
ignorance can't help but judgeyou.
(02:49):
That's how they relate to theworld.
Their nervous system iscalibrated to judge the external
so that their own internaljudgments never surface, and
they're living their entire lifein this very fragile way.
And if there are too many ofthese people around you, then
how are you supposed to feelsafe in a space?
So the options are that youeither change people, which in
(03:11):
my experience has turned out tobe pretty impossible, or you can
change the situation and go to adifferent space entirely.
A different space where it hassafety for you, both physically
and psychologically.
In Sura Taba, Sura nine seventyone, the Quran says, and this is
a Sahih InternationalTranslation, the believing men
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and believing women are alliesfor one another.
They enjoin what is right andforbid what is wrong, and
establish prayer and give zakahand obey Allah and his
messenger.
Those Allah will have mercy uponthem, indeed, Allah is exalted
in might and wise.
I think here protection is meantto flow both ways.
(03:53):
Men and women protect eachother, physically, emotionally,
spiritually, even in reputationthat includes withholding harsh
judgments or opinions just soother people can feel safe
around you.
When protection becomes onesided, which in the lessons of
the men being the protectors, ithas become one sided in the
(04:15):
current society, it turns intocontrol.
So your responsibility increating your safety and safe
space is in doing this workrequired to create this space of
protection that enhances yourdignity and agency.
So instead of one sidedprotection that is supposed to
be created by men for women, sothat women are at the mercy of
(04:37):
having this protection beingcreated for them, and if it is
not being created, then you'rebasically screwed.
So yes, while men haveresponsibility to create a safe
space for you, you have theresponsibility of creating your
own safe space through youragency and independence of
thought.
So you're not hundred percentreliant on an external party to
(05:00):
do that for you.
So in the ayah that I mentioned,I think it speaks to the flow of
the back and forth, the rightsand the responsibilities of
creating safety.
When you reduce your protectionto only one gender protecting
the other, you unintentionallystrip yourself of your God given
agency, and this way you fallinto passivity, which is what
(05:23):
gives rise to a lot of victimmentality, meaning some guy in
your life is not able to giveyou your safe space, or your
relatives are not able toprovide you your safe space.
So this verse reminds me thatyou as a believing Muslim woman
is meant to be both a source ofprotection for yourself and
others and humble enough toreceive it.
(05:46):
This ayah is describingbelieving men and women as
allies for one another.
It is commanding both physicalprotection and spiritual
metaphysical safety, where it'sactively commanding you to do
what is right and forbid what iswrong.
So taken all together, I don'tsee protection as something that
(06:06):
flows from a man to a woman, orfrom a woman to a man in that
case.
But it is bidirectional.
We both create each other'ssafety, especially in the
matters of Iman.
I wanted to emphasize this pointbecause in the majority of my
coaching about safety, what endsup being the topic is the
frustration that women carryabout how people in their life
(06:31):
don't give them the safe spacethey deserve.
So while yes, it is otherpeople's responsibility and they
will answer to Allah subhanahuwa ta'ala if they failed at that
responsibility, you fightingwith reality that he or she must
provide you with emotionalsafety and not judge you is not
gonna do you any good.
(06:52):
Again, this is you fightingreality.
This is you asking for somethingthat is not currently happening.
So we're moving forward fromthis space of demanding
something that is not currentlytrue into the space of
responsibility that is yourresponsibility.
And yes, it is work.
It is a lot of work if youhaven't done this before.
(07:14):
But I also don't think thatyou're disillusioned into
thinking that you wouldn't haveto do any work.
That is basically the theme ofall of my podcast episodes.
In this effort of creating yoursafe space, you always have the
option to change your physicallocation, to go somewhere else,
to change your situation.
But it also turns out that youmight not be able to change your
(07:37):
immediate family situation oryour employment so easily.
That might not be an option foryou, or at least not an
immediate option.
So then how are you supposed tocreate your safe space?
So again, it comes back to yourresponsibility.
You're not supposed to depend onpeople to create all of your
safety for you.
Your mind, your relationshipwith yourself, your relationship
(08:00):
with Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala,your ability to regulate your
nervous system, that is whatcreates your safety.
And it does not mean that youshould stay around people who
constantly make you feel small.
There is a difference here, andthis is the main concept.
The difference is between thestate of discernment and the
state of judgment.
(08:20):
So for example, if somebodygives you an awkward look and
your mind spirals into they hateme, they don't want me, or what
is wrong with them, this is yourinternal interpretation creating
suffering for you.
Here you're perceiving the worldthrough the lens of criticism
and judgment for yourself andfor others.
(08:41):
But let's say you're in amarriage or family or a friend
gathering where you'reconstantly feeling like you
cannot speak, you can't relax,you can't express yourself, you
are always afraid of backlash,then your nervous system might
be actually picking up onsomething real.
And this is your discernmentspeaking.
So the balance is this.
You should not expect the worldto never judge you, but you
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should also not normalizeenvironments that are constantly
harsh and crushing your spirit.
You have to create your internalsafety that helps you stop
overreacting to otherwise normalhuman behavior.
Your discernment helps youchoose people who do not
repeatedly violate your dignity.
And the goal is never that youshould be so healed that toxic
(09:27):
people never affect you.
The goal is you become sointernally strong that you stop
depending on approval, and youbecome wise enough to prioritize
spaces where you're genuinelyrespected.
So I don't want you guys toconfuse discernment with
judgment.
In reality they are completelydifferent energies that live
inside your body.
(09:48):
Discernment is calm, andjudgment is very emotionally
charged and draining.
I want you to listen for theenergy behind these two states
that lives within your body.
This is so you can determinewhere you're at.
Discernment keeps the power withyou while judgment gives the
power to the other party.
(10:08):
Judgment demands that realityrearrange itself before you can
feel okay.
While discernment says that thisenvironment is not aligned with
the kind of life I want tocreate, so I'm going to take
action.
Judgment says these peopleshould be different.
Discernment says I deserve arelationship where I can grow,
(10:28):
rest, and feel safe.
Judgment says why are people sotoxic?
Why can't they just accept me?
Discernment says they're allowedto exist in their element and
I'm allowed to make my ownchoices.
Again, listen to what your bodyexperiences when you hear these
sentences.
High level discerning thoughtsound very peaceful where you
(10:50):
value your nervous system, youprioritize your emotional
safety, you tell yourself thatyou deserve relationships that
feel nourishing, where yourespect yourself enough to leave
environments that are constantlyharming you.
These are the thoughts that feelclean in the body, they feel
grounded, they move you towardssafety, and they lead you to
(11:12):
trust your internal experience.
But judgment based thoughts areexternally focused.
They're obsessed with what otherpeople should be doing
differently.
Thoughts like they shouldn'tjudge me, they should understand
me, they should stop acting likethis, they should be more
emotionally intelligent, theyshould know better.
And while you might feel veryjustified in thinking these
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thoughts, they create a verytoxic emotional environment
inside your body.
You're gonna feel frustration,bitterness, resentment, and also
a sense of superiority, and allof this will create sheer
exhaustion because you'reattempting to control variables
that are not in your control.
In both cases you aretechnically trying to leave an
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unsafe environment.
You are technically trying tocreate safety for yourself, but
when you are judging others,you're generating an unsafe
environment within yourself,which you cannot change
regardless of how many externalsituations you leave.
This is why women sometimesleave one toxic environment only
(12:17):
to recreate another onesomewhere else.
Because your internal lens neverchanged.
The nervous system still feltunsafe and critical this entire
time.
It is stuck in hypervigilance.
So even you are in this quoteunquote new safe space, it will
eventually start to feeldangerous as well.
(12:38):
And this is why your mindset hasto change before you change your
environment.
If your mind is full of judgmentand you start cutting people off
from emotional reactivity, youwill start confusing human
imperfection with toxicity.
As a high value Muslim woman,you do not demonize people
because you know you can leavewithout hatred and you can
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create clean boundaries withouta sense of superiority or
arrogance.
When you start to define a safespace from the lens of
discernment rather thanjudgment, this whole phenomena
removes the luxury of blamingothers for your discomfort, and
it puts the responsibility ofchange on you, where luckily you
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do have control.
If for you as a woman a judgmentfree space does not exist,
you're only able to create itbecause you're coming to it with
a regulated mind.
Now one of the big disclaimershere, and I'm gonna give you
more disclaimers and possiblecriticisms of all of these point
of views later, but one of themthat I wanted to mention here is
(13:47):
the big risk I'm taking whilespeaking to you through this
podcast is if you're a womanliving with chronic emotional
invalidation and controllingfamily dynamics, you might feel
a sense of blame, especially ifyou lived through spiritual
manipulation or subtle misogynythat we might all have
experienced at some point.
(14:08):
Because as a Muslim woman,you're probably already told to
have subur and lower yourexpectations and stop taking
things so personally.
So if this balance is notextremely clear, parts of this
podcast can accidentally soundlike that you are the reason you
feel unsafe.
Even though my actual point isyour internal state determines
(14:30):
if you are accurately able todiscern safety and create it
sustainably for yourself.
If you are at any level hearingthat I'm saying your unsafe
environment is mostly yourthoughts in an invalidating way,
please stop listening to thisand get coaching if you can.
I do not want to participate inperpetuating more harm.
(14:52):
So the idea of a perpetuallyjudgment free environment is
very appealing but also somewhatunrealistic.
Because human beings categorize,compare, and evaluate by design.
It is how we make sense of theworld.
So waiting for a space where noone ever judges you is like
waiting for the deep water tostop being dangerous while you
(15:15):
have not yet learned to swim.
You learn how to swim and thenno body of water is dangerous.
If you're constantly irritatedat a lack of presence of safe
spaces around you, then createsafety and regulation with your
own mind and safe spaces willstart to emerge all around you.
The real skill, the one thatactually changes your life, is
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building a nervous system thatdoes not fluctuate every time it
senses someone else's potentialevaluation.
Safety is not the absence oftriggers, it's the presence of
regulation through thosetriggers.
When your consciousness setpoint is low, your mind is
hyperfocused on threat, onperception of others, on how
(16:01):
you're being received.
At a higher SQ, your mindbecomes more self referential
and more grounded.
This is why two women can sit inthe exact same gathering while
one feels judged and the otherone feels completely at ease.
Because the difference is notthe environment, the difference
is the internal operating systeminterpreting it.
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You are not hurt by words, youare hurt by the meaning of them.
And this is where most womenunderestimate their power.
If you're not trained in thisskill, you're most likely trying
to control other people'sspeech, actions, and behaviors
instead of mastering yourinterpretation.
When you understand that themeaning is created in your mind,
(16:46):
not delivered through somebodyelse's mouth, you stop
outsourcing your emotional stateto other people's vocabulary.
And when enough women lack thatskill, wanting a safe space
becomes a sophisticated form ofavoidance.
And this is what I'm afraid ishappening in the IG era.
If you're constantly needingenvironments to adjust so that
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you can feel okay, you'reunintentionally reinforcing the
belief that you are fragile.
But when you start developinginternal safety, you expand your
capacity to be in rooms that areimperfect or even unpredictable.
The room can be uncomfortablewithout you harming yourself.
The deepest level of your safetyis not when everyone accepts
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you.
It is when you stop needing themto.
A lot of married Muslim womentell me I want my husband to be
my safe space.
That only works if your mind isa safe space for yourself first.
When you say someone is yoursafe space, what you're really
describing is how your nervoussystem responds in their
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presence, and that response iscreated by your internal state.
If your mind is dysregulated,even the safest person will
eventually feel unsafe becauseyour interpretations will
distort their behavior.
But when your internal world isgrounded, relationships become
amplifiers of safety instead ofsources of it.
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And trust me, you do not want tooutsource your sense of safety
to anyone else.
Even if they have theresponsibility to protect you,
they are still human.
There is a chance they mightslip up.
There is also a possibility thatthey will keep their end of
bargain and will actually putmeasures into place to protect
you and provide you safety.
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But either way, your safety isnot outsourced.
That is the whole point.
When your internal world isgrounded, you will come to an
accurate conclusion when a spaceis not safe for you and it's
time for you to leave.
Another very subtle barrier thatI see in my coaching is when
women don't trust safe spacesbecause you don't trust safety.
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You don't know what it feelslike to experience safety.
What is happening in this caseis that you don't struggle to
find safe spaces, you'restruggling to trust them when
you are in them.
Even when people are kind, evenwhen the environment is calm,
even when nothing is wrong,there's just a part of you that
is waiting to be disappointed.
And if that is the case, youhave to let your guard down and
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allow yourself to enjoy safety.
And if your body has noexperience being safe, then
allow yourself the privilegethrough your discernment.
Trust yourself in experiencingthe safe space, even if it is
for the first time, your bodywill get used to it.
Your addiction to beingunderstood keeps safe spaces
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away from you.
Learn to forego this addictionand safe spaces will start
popping up all around you.
At lower levels ofconsciousness, you will need
validation, predictability,everyone's agreement for you to
feel okay.
As your soulful intelligenceincreases, your dependence on
these external conditionsdecreases.
(20:03):
Because there are women outthere that I've coached, myself
included, who have done enoughinternal work that they can sit
in rooms filled with gossip andcriticism and remain untouched.
Because in that case, your senseof self is not changing, so your
environment does not have thepower to destabilize you.
(20:23):
I am not suggesting that youactively seek out toxicity, I'm
saying if you already have sucha situation in your life, this
serves as a perfect curriculumfor you to rise above it.
So as a practice, stop asking isthis space safe for me?
And start asking am I the safespace within myself that I need
(20:44):
right now?
This question returns you to theonly place you have ever had
control, the only place safetyis ever truly created within
yourself.
And when you remember Allahenough, remind yourself of the
possibilities and the mercy Hehas on you.
That level of God consciousnessrenders every space safe because
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no human being can strip you ofyour dignity that Allah has
ordained.
A safe space for you can be aspace of close friends who
accept you with all of yourquirkiness, or it can be while
you're alone in your home.
A safe space could also be aplace full of toxic people that
otherwise don't care about you,but you also don't care that
(21:32):
their toxicity exists, and youhave evolved so far beyond their
pettiness and their bickeringthat to you their presence does
not take away from the safety ofthat space.
So now I'm gonna say some of thecriticisms that you might have
while you're listening to thispodcast, and I'm mentioning them
because I want to create asafety net for you, for you to
(21:55):
hear the message in this podcastwithout any further harm.
One of those possible criticismsis that this podcast is swinging
very heavily towards internalresponsibility.
In which case I'm riskingunderemphasizing systemic
relational harm.
Meaning you as a listener maythink, so what am I supposed to
(22:18):
just spiritually transcend toxicpeople forever?
And this is a risk because manyMuslim women are trapped in an
environment they cannotimmediately leave because
financial or religious reasons.
As a reply to this objection andthis criticism, I want you to
hear that I acknowledge yourgrief.
(22:38):
I acknowledge your anger, yourbetrayal, the sense of
legitimate oppression that youmight carry.
The solution is not to becomeemotionally invincible.
The solution is to create realchange through these realities.
Another criticism that mightarise is that you might
challenge the idea is judgmentis not what they do, it's what
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you agree with.
Because while psychologicallythis is very insightful, you can
argue that as a woman you areobjectively being judged,
controlled, mocked, shamed forthe reasons of keeping you
small.
You're being actually punished.
So I want to create this pointwith extreme careful nuance,
(23:23):
otherwise it can soundintellectually true but
emotionally invalidating.
So what I want to say to that isyes, people may genuinely judge
or mistreat you, but theirjudgment only becomes your
identity level suffering whenyour mind agrees with it.
And through the evolution ofyour mind, you preserve your
(23:45):
accountability without denyingyour reality.
Another place of tension thatmight have existed through the
subject of this episode is thephrase that you can sit in a
toxic room and still be safe,which philosophically seems to
imply that I'm saying you shouldjust regulate harder.
But what I'm actually saying isyour regulation will help you
(24:08):
see whether you should stay in asituation or a relationship or
not.
Many Muslim women areenculturated and socialized to
over spiritualize endurance.
This is not what I'm saying hereat all.
So if you are falling into thatcategory, I urge you to create
your safe space with a differentmethod.
(24:30):
Another risk I'm taking throughwhat I described in this podcast
is the risk of sounding likehigh, soulful, intelligent women
become untouchable robots who nolonger care what anyone thinks.
But it does not happen becausehuman beings are wired for
belonging.
With practice you get better andbetter at that skill, but you
(24:52):
might not completely out evolvethis design.
Because the goal is notemotional numbness, it is secure
attachment to yourself and Allahsubhanahu wa ta'ala while still
deeply valuing connection, whilebeing discerning of when you see
disrespect, and being able tocall that out and create safe
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boundaries for yourself.
This distinction matters becauseotherwise you might have a
tendency to think that healingmeans becoming emotionally
detached from everyone.
This is not what high soulfulintelligence is about.
The more connected you are toanother human being, the higher
chance that you will feelbetrayed, criticized, and
(25:36):
possibly even controlled bythem.
And if that does happen, youwork on your healing.
That can also happen at a highSQ level.
And so far I have told you a lotabout how to think differently,
but I also want to emphasize thepractice that it requires for
you to do within your body.
You may be wondering what do youactually do next time you enter
(26:00):
a room that feels unsafe to you.
So this is an opening for yourpractical transformation.
What you do is you add smallembodied moments.
You pause before you enter aroom, it could be a second, two
minutes, you notice yourthoughts, you physically relax
the muscles in your body, andyou ask yourself, what am I
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making this mean?
What do I have the potential ofmaking their words mean for me?
Am I in actual danger or am Ianticipating judgment?
What would a grounded version ofme believe right now?
These kinds of embodiedquestions help you bridge
philosophy into real nervoussystem practice.
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Having said all of that, thetalent of developing a safe
space is life changing.
It is an amazing skill and itrequires for you to see other
people's opinions as neutraloccurrences.
It requires for you to outgrowyour internal patterns.
So if you insist that people beable to create a safe space for
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you, you're just bypassingresponsibility.
And that is just theresponsibility of you taking
ownership of your thoughts, ofdoing the work that will serve
you for the rest of your life.
And whenever you're askingsomebody else to change, meaning
that you're insisting that yourfamily create a safe space for
you, you're insisting that yourcolleagues do it, even though
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you might not have explicitlyasked them to, you're insisting
on having them treat youdifferently, judge you less,
accept you more?
When all of these are onlyalways your responsibilities.
If they happen to come fromother people outside of you that
you're in relationships with,then this is amazing.
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Again, when you fulfill yourresponsibility, you're able to
discern when other people areproviding you this safety and
when they're out to harm you.
When you are not takingresponsibility for this internal
change, this is just a moremodern, socially acceptable way
of trying to ask for people tochange.
If you want that your husbandbecome your safe space, that
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will only come secondary to yourmind.
If you want your friends to beyour safe space, it will come
secondary to your mind.
What you have to do is employyour discernment, not your
judgment.
Do not confuse your healing withendless tolerance.
It does not mean that you'respiritually evolved just because
you learned how to surviveconstant emotional starvation.
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Internal safety does not meanaccepting harm.
The balance is that you're notexpecting the world to never
judge you, but you're also notnormalizing environments that
crush your spirit.
Your regulation helps you stopoverreacting to normal human
behavior, and your discernmenthelps you leave people who
(28:57):
repeatedly violate your dignity.
Your safe space is your mind,your body, your heart.
Only then can you create a safespace as it relates to other
people and your environments.
Being in a safe space andcreating that for yourself is a
deep spiritual practice.
When you center Allah instead ofpeople, your reference point
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shifts from creation to creator,and in that space all human
judgment loses its weight.
In that space you're anchored inwhat Allah sees in me and how He
has created me.
And that shift stabilizes youridentity in a way that no social
environment can ever do.
Because in that case your mindbecomes your safe space, so you
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can create safety anywhere youwant.
Your safe space is your bada,which is tied to your
relationship with Allah.
Because when you're practicingTawakul in a very embodied way,
you are creating internalsafety.
You are trusting that your worthis not in the hands of people,
and your presence indicates ahundred percent worth because
(30:05):
you were created by Allah.
And when that reality lands inyour body, not just in your
intellect, you start to existdifferently, and from that
existence every space becomessafe.
With that I pray to AllahSubhanahu wa Ta'ala, O Allah,
make my heart a place of safetybefore I seek safety from
(30:28):
people.
Let my mind rest in what youknow of me, not in what others
think of me.
Ya Allah, anchor me in Tabakulso deeply that no one and no
room can destabilize me.
Allow me to remember again andagain of the dignity that you
have written for me that cannotbe controlled or taken by anyone
(30:50):
else.
Ya Allah, keep me and all of usamong the dignified and allow us
abundant safe spaces.
Amin Yarabul Almin.
Please keep me in your draas, Iwill talk to you guys next time.
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast.
Apply tools that you learn inthis podcast and your life will
be unrecognizably successful.
Now your host, Dr.
Kamal Abdar.
SPEAKER_01 (00:16):
Hello, hello, hello everyone.
Peace and blessings be upon allof you.
Today we're gonna be talkingabout the topic of safe spaces.
I hear a lot of women talkingabout this and how they want to
be in a safe space and how theyadmire women that are able to
have safe spaces around them.
And this is a very basicbiological need.
To be able to exist in anenvironment where you don't have
(00:39):
fear of harm, but even beyondthat, you don't have the fear of
someone's judgment.
What a safe space offers is anenvironment without judgment,
and that is a huge blessingwhere you're able to exist in a
space where you're not onconstant guard.
So I tried to make this podcastabout the regular 20 minutes
(01:00):
that I usually do, but I wasunable to, mostly because I do
want to provide you guys somecriticisms that you might hear
that you might yourself bewondering about in the
background but not be able toput language to it.
So first I'm gonna give you allthe concepts, then I'm gonna
give you some possiblecriticisms that the listeners
might have.
And you can decide if thecritical feedback I'm talking
(01:22):
about applies to you or not.
And if it does, in that case Iwould ask you to come back and
listen to the podcast from thebeginning again, just so you'd
be able to hear it from adifferent lens.
So in this episode I'm gonnatalk about how to create your
own safe space.
I will teach you how to choosesafer people without becoming
bitter or reactive to yoursituations or without
(01:45):
spiritually bypassing harm.
To me, everyone deserves a safespace.
Place where you can exist, thatyou can express yourself, and
you can be creative, where youdon't have to alter yourself
beyond recognition just to beable to survive.
And by that I don't mean thatyou don't change the way you
present yourself like in frontof your mother versus your
(02:06):
husband or your employee.
Of course your demeanor changeswhen you're in different
company, but I'm talking abouteven in the presence of these
people, you don't feel like youhave to censor yourself just to
get your point across, or thatyou're not walking on eggshells
and you're in constant fear ofother people's reactions and
sensitivity.
I'm going to teach you how tocreate your safe space for
(02:28):
yourself because you deserve it.
Everyone deserves that.
And for that to happen, you haveto know that if you're waiting
for other people to stop judgingyou, for you to call it your
safe space, then you'll bewaiting for a long time.
Some people out of their mildintentions or just out of their
ignorance can't help but judgeyou.
(02:49):
That's how they relate to theworld.
Their nervous system iscalibrated to judge the external
so that their own internaljudgments never surface, and
they're living their entire lifein this very fragile way.
And if there are too many ofthese people around you, then
how are you supposed to feelsafe in a space?
So the options are that youeither change people, which in
(03:11):
my experience has turned out tobe pretty impossible, or you can
change the situation and go to adifferent space entirely.
A different space where it hassafety for you, both physically
and psychologically.
In Sura Taba, Sura nine seventyone, the Quran says, and this is
a Sahih InternationalTranslation, the believing men
(03:32):
and believing women are alliesfor one another.
They enjoin what is right andforbid what is wrong, and
establish prayer and give zakahand obey Allah and his
messenger.
Those Allah will have mercy uponthem, indeed, Allah is exalted
in might and wise.
I think here protection is meantto flow both ways.
(03:53):
Men and women protect eachother, physically, emotionally,
spiritually, even in reputationthat includes withholding harsh
judgments or opinions just soother people can feel safe
around you.
When protection becomes onesided, which in the lessons of
the men being the protectors, ithas become one sided in the
(04:15):
current society, it turns intocontrol.
So your responsibility increating your safety and safe
space is in doing this workrequired to create this space of
protection that enhances yourdignity and agency.
So instead of one sidedprotection that is supposed to
be created by men for women, sothat women are at the mercy of
(04:37):
having this protection beingcreated for them, and if it is
not being created, then you'rebasically screwed.
So yes, while men haveresponsibility to create a safe
space for you, you have theresponsibility of creating your
own safe space through youragency and independence of
thought.
So you're not hundred percentreliant on an external party to
(05:00):
do that for you.
So in the ayah that I mentioned,I think it speaks to the flow of
the back and forth, the rightsand the responsibilities of
creating safety.
When you reduce your protectionto only one gender protecting
the other, you unintentionallystrip yourself of your God given
agency, and this way you fallinto passivity, which is what
(05:23):
gives rise to a lot of victimmentality, meaning some guy in
your life is not able to giveyou your safe space, or your
relatives are not able toprovide you your safe space.
So this verse reminds me thatyou as a believing Muslim woman
is meant to be both a source ofprotection for yourself and
others and humble enough toreceive it.
(05:46):
This ayah is describingbelieving men and women as
allies for one another.
It is commanding both physicalprotection and spiritual
metaphysical safety, where it'sactively commanding you to do
what is right and forbid what iswrong.
So taken all together, I don'tsee protection as something that
(06:06):
flows from a man to a woman, orfrom a woman to a man in that
case.
But it is bidirectional.
We both create each other'ssafety, especially in the
matters of Iman.
I wanted to emphasize this pointbecause in the majority of my
coaching about safety, what endsup being the topic is the
frustration that women carryabout how people in their life
(06:31):
don't give them the safe spacethey deserve.
So while yes, it is otherpeople's responsibility and they
will answer to Allah subhanahuwa ta'ala if they failed at that
responsibility, you fightingwith reality that he or she must
provide you with emotionalsafety and not judge you is not
gonna do you any good.
(06:52):
Again, this is you fightingreality.
This is you asking for somethingthat is not currently happening.
So we're moving forward fromthis space of demanding
something that is not currentlytrue into the space of
responsibility that is yourresponsibility.
And yes, it is work.
It is a lot of work if youhaven't done this before.
(07:14):
But I also don't think thatyou're disillusioned into
thinking that you wouldn't haveto do any work.
That is basically the theme ofall of my podcast episodes.
In this effort of creating yoursafe space, you always have the
option to change your physicallocation, to go somewhere else,
to change your situation.
But it also turns out that youmight not be able to change your
(07:37):
immediate family situation oryour employment so easily.
That might not be an option foryou, or at least not an
immediate option.
So then how are you supposed tocreate your safe space?
So again, it comes back to yourresponsibility.
You're not supposed to depend onpeople to create all of your
safety for you.
Your mind, your relationshipwith yourself, your relationship
(08:00):
with Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala,your ability to regulate your
nervous system, that is whatcreates your safety.
And it does not mean that youshould stay around people who
constantly make you feel small.
There is a difference here, andthis is the main concept.
The difference is between thestate of discernment and the
state of judgment.
(08:20):
So for example, if somebodygives you an awkward look and
your mind spirals into they hateme, they don't want me, or what
is wrong with them, this is yourinternal interpretation creating
suffering for you.
Here you're perceiving the worldthrough the lens of criticism
and judgment for yourself andfor others.
(08:41):
But let's say you're in amarriage or family or a friend
gathering where you'reconstantly feeling like you
cannot speak, you can't relax,you can't express yourself, you
are always afraid of backlash,then your nervous system might
be actually picking up onsomething real.
And this is your discernmentspeaking.
So the balance is this.
You should not expect the worldto never judge you, but you
(09:05):
should also not normalizeenvironments that are constantly
harsh and crushing your spirit.
You have to create your internalsafety that helps you stop
overreacting to otherwise normalhuman behavior.
Your discernment helps youchoose people who do not
repeatedly violate your dignity.
And the goal is never that youshould be so healed that toxic
(09:27):
people never affect you.
The goal is you become sointernally strong that you stop
depending on approval, and youbecome wise enough to prioritize
spaces where you're genuinelyrespected.
So I don't want you guys toconfuse discernment with
judgment.
In reality they are completelydifferent energies that live
inside your body.
(09:48):
Discernment is calm, andjudgment is very emotionally
charged and draining.
I want you to listen for theenergy behind these two states
that lives within your body.
This is so you can determinewhere you're at.
Discernment keeps the power withyou while judgment gives the
power to the other party.
(10:08):
Judgment demands that realityrearrange itself before you can
feel okay.
While discernment says that thisenvironment is not aligned with
the kind of life I want tocreate, so I'm going to take
action.
Judgment says these peopleshould be different.
Discernment says I deserve arelationship where I can grow,
(10:28):
rest, and feel safe.
Judgment says why are people sotoxic?
Why can't they just accept me?
Discernment says they're allowedto exist in their element and
I'm allowed to make my ownchoices.
Again, listen to what your bodyexperiences when you hear these
sentences.
High level discerning thoughtsound very peaceful where you
(10:50):
value your nervous system, youprioritize your emotional
safety, you tell yourself thatyou deserve relationships that
feel nourishing, where yourespect yourself enough to leave
environments that are constantlyharming you.
These are the thoughts that feelclean in the body, they feel
grounded, they move you towardssafety, and they lead you to
(11:12):
trust your internal experience.
But judgment based thoughts areexternally focused.
They're obsessed with what otherpeople should be doing
differently.
Thoughts like they shouldn'tjudge me, they should understand
me, they should stop acting likethis, they should be more
emotionally intelligent, theyshould know better.
And while you might feel veryjustified in thinking these
(11:34):
thoughts, they create a verytoxic emotional environment
inside your body.
You're gonna feel frustration,bitterness, resentment, and also
a sense of superiority, and allof this will create sheer
exhaustion because you'reattempting to control variables
that are not in your control.
In both cases you aretechnically trying to leave an
(11:56):
unsafe environment.
You are technically trying tocreate safety for yourself, but
when you are judging others,you're generating an unsafe
environment within yourself,which you cannot change
regardless of how many externalsituations you leave.
This is why women sometimesleave one toxic environment only
(12:17):
to recreate another onesomewhere else.
Because your internal lens neverchanged.
The nervous system still feltunsafe and critical this entire
time.
It is stuck in hypervigilance.
So even you are in this quoteunquote new safe space, it will
eventually start to feeldangerous as well.
(12:38):
And this is why your mindset hasto change before you change your
environment.
If your mind is full of judgmentand you start cutting people off
from emotional reactivity, youwill start confusing human
imperfection with toxicity.
As a high value Muslim woman,you do not demonize people
because you know you can leavewithout hatred and you can
(13:01):
create clean boundaries withouta sense of superiority or
arrogance.
When you start to define a safespace from the lens of
discernment rather thanjudgment, this whole phenomena
removes the luxury of blamingothers for your discomfort, and
it puts the responsibility ofchange on you, where luckily you
(13:24):
do have control.
If for you as a woman a judgmentfree space does not exist,
you're only able to create itbecause you're coming to it with
a regulated mind.
Now one of the big disclaimershere, and I'm gonna give you
more disclaimers and possiblecriticisms of all of these point
of views later, but one of themthat I wanted to mention here is
(13:47):
the big risk I'm taking whilespeaking to you through this
podcast is if you're a womanliving with chronic emotional
invalidation and controllingfamily dynamics, you might feel
a sense of blame, especially ifyou lived through spiritual
manipulation or subtle misogynythat we might all have
experienced at some point.
(14:08):
Because as a Muslim woman,you're probably already told to
have subur and lower yourexpectations and stop taking
things so personally.
So if this balance is notextremely clear, parts of this
podcast can accidentally soundlike that you are the reason you
feel unsafe.
Even though my actual point isyour internal state determines
(14:30):
if you are accurately able todiscern safety and create it
sustainably for yourself.
If you are at any level hearingthat I'm saying your unsafe
environment is mostly yourthoughts in an invalidating way,
please stop listening to thisand get coaching if you can.
I do not want to participate inperpetuating more harm.
(14:52):
So the idea of a perpetuallyjudgment free environment is
very appealing but also somewhatunrealistic.
Because human beings categorize,compare, and evaluate by design.
It is how we make sense of theworld.
So waiting for a space where noone ever judges you is like
waiting for the deep water tostop being dangerous while you
(15:15):
have not yet learned to swim.
You learn how to swim and thenno body of water is dangerous.
If you're constantly irritatedat a lack of presence of safe
spaces around you, then createsafety and regulation with your
own mind and safe spaces willstart to emerge all around you.
The real skill, the one thatactually changes your life, is
(15:38):
building a nervous system thatdoes not fluctuate every time it
senses someone else's potentialevaluation.
Safety is not the absence oftriggers, it's the presence of
regulation through thosetriggers.
When your consciousness setpoint is low, your mind is
hyperfocused on threat, onperception of others, on how
(16:01):
you're being received.
At a higher SQ, your mindbecomes more self referential
and more grounded.
This is why two women can sit inthe exact same gathering while
one feels judged and the otherone feels completely at ease.
Because the difference is notthe environment, the difference
is the internal operating systeminterpreting it.
(16:24):
You are not hurt by words, youare hurt by the meaning of them.
And this is where most womenunderestimate their power.
If you're not trained in thisskill, you're most likely trying
to control other people'sspeech, actions, and behaviors
instead of mastering yourinterpretation.
When you understand that themeaning is created in your mind,
(16:46):
not delivered through somebodyelse's mouth, you stop
outsourcing your emotional stateto other people's vocabulary.
And when enough women lack thatskill, wanting a safe space
becomes a sophisticated form ofavoidance.
And this is what I'm afraid ishappening in the IG era.
If you're constantly needingenvironments to adjust so that
(17:09):
you can feel okay, you'reunintentionally reinforcing the
belief that you are fragile.
But when you start developinginternal safety, you expand your
capacity to be in rooms that areimperfect or even unpredictable.
The room can be uncomfortablewithout you harming yourself.
The deepest level of your safetyis not when everyone accepts
(17:31):
you.
It is when you stop needing themto.
A lot of married Muslim womentell me I want my husband to be
my safe space.
That only works if your mind isa safe space for yourself first.
When you say someone is yoursafe space, what you're really
describing is how your nervoussystem responds in their
(17:52):
presence, and that response iscreated by your internal state.
If your mind is dysregulated,even the safest person will
eventually feel unsafe becauseyour interpretations will
distort their behavior.
But when your internal world isgrounded, relationships become
amplifiers of safety instead ofsources of it.
(18:14):
And trust me, you do not want tooutsource your sense of safety
to anyone else.
Even if they have theresponsibility to protect you,
they are still human.
There is a chance they mightslip up.
There is also a possibility thatthey will keep their end of
bargain and will actually putmeasures into place to protect
you and provide you safety.
(18:35):
But either way, your safety isnot outsourced.
That is the whole point.
When your internal world isgrounded, you will come to an
accurate conclusion when a spaceis not safe for you and it's
time for you to leave.
Another very subtle barrier thatI see in my coaching is when
women don't trust safe spacesbecause you don't trust safety.
(18:58):
You don't know what it feelslike to experience safety.
What is happening in this caseis that you don't struggle to
find safe spaces, you'restruggling to trust them when
you are in them.
Even when people are kind, evenwhen the environment is calm,
even when nothing is wrong,there's just a part of you that
is waiting to be disappointed.
And if that is the case, youhave to let your guard down and
(19:21):
allow yourself to enjoy safety.
And if your body has noexperience being safe, then
allow yourself the privilegethrough your discernment.
Trust yourself in experiencingthe safe space, even if it is
for the first time, your bodywill get used to it.
Your addiction to beingunderstood keeps safe spaces
(19:42):
away from you.
Learn to forego this addictionand safe spaces will start
popping up all around you.
At lower levels ofconsciousness, you will need
validation, predictability,everyone's agreement for you to
feel okay.
As your soulful intelligenceincreases, your dependence on
these external conditionsdecreases.
(20:03):
Because there are women outthere that I've coached, myself
included, who have done enoughinternal work that they can sit
in rooms filled with gossip andcriticism and remain untouched.
Because in that case, your senseof self is not changing, so your
environment does not have thepower to destabilize you.
(20:23):
I am not suggesting that youactively seek out toxicity, I'm
saying if you already have sucha situation in your life, this
serves as a perfect curriculumfor you to rise above it.
So as a practice, stop asking isthis space safe for me?
And start asking am I the safespace within myself that I need
(20:44):
right now?
This question returns you to theonly place you have ever had
control, the only place safetyis ever truly created within
yourself.
And when you remember Allahenough, remind yourself of the
possibilities and the mercy Hehas on you.
That level of God consciousnessrenders every space safe because
(21:09):
no human being can strip you ofyour dignity that Allah has
ordained.
A safe space for you can be aspace of close friends who
accept you with all of yourquirkiness, or it can be while
you're alone in your home.
A safe space could also be aplace full of toxic people that
otherwise don't care about you,but you also don't care that
(21:32):
their toxicity exists, and youhave evolved so far beyond their
pettiness and their bickeringthat to you their presence does
not take away from the safety ofthat space.
So now I'm gonna say some of thecriticisms that you might have
while you're listening to thispodcast, and I'm mentioning them
because I want to create asafety net for you, for you to
(21:55):
hear the message in this podcastwithout any further harm.
One of those possible criticismsis that this podcast is swinging
very heavily towards internalresponsibility.
In which case I'm riskingunderemphasizing systemic
relational harm.
Meaning you as a listener maythink, so what am I supposed to
(22:18):
just spiritually transcend toxicpeople forever?
And this is a risk because manyMuslim women are trapped in an
environment they cannotimmediately leave because
financial or religious reasons.
As a reply to this objection andthis criticism, I want you to
hear that I acknowledge yourgrief.
(22:38):
I acknowledge your anger, yourbetrayal, the sense of
legitimate oppression that youmight carry.
The solution is not to becomeemotionally invincible.
The solution is to create realchange through these realities.
Another criticism that mightarise is that you might
challenge the idea is judgmentis not what they do, it's what
(23:02):
you agree with.
Because while psychologicallythis is very insightful, you can
argue that as a woman you areobjectively being judged,
controlled, mocked, shamed forthe reasons of keeping you
small.
You're being actually punished.
So I want to create this pointwith extreme careful nuance,
(23:23):
otherwise it can soundintellectually true but
emotionally invalidating.
So what I want to say to that isyes, people may genuinely judge
or mistreat you, but theirjudgment only becomes your
identity level suffering whenyour mind agrees with it.
And through the evolution ofyour mind, you preserve your
(23:45):
accountability without denyingyour reality.
Another place of tension thatmight have existed through the
subject of this episode is thephrase that you can sit in a
toxic room and still be safe,which philosophically seems to
imply that I'm saying you shouldjust regulate harder.
But what I'm actually saying isyour regulation will help you
(24:08):
see whether you should stay in asituation or a relationship or
not.
Many Muslim women areenculturated and socialized to
over spiritualize endurance.
This is not what I'm saying hereat all.
So if you are falling into thatcategory, I urge you to create
your safe space with a differentmethod.
(24:30):
Another risk I'm taking throughwhat I described in this podcast
is the risk of sounding likehigh, soulful, intelligent women
become untouchable robots who nolonger care what anyone thinks.
But it does not happen becausehuman beings are wired for
belonging.
With practice you get better andbetter at that skill, but you
(24:52):
might not completely out evolvethis design.
Because the goal is notemotional numbness, it is secure
attachment to yourself and Allahsubhanahu wa ta'ala while still
deeply valuing connection, whilebeing discerning of when you see
disrespect, and being able tocall that out and create safe
(25:14):
boundaries for yourself.
This distinction matters becauseotherwise you might have a
tendency to think that healingmeans becoming emotionally
detached from everyone.
This is not what high soulfulintelligence is about.
The more connected you are toanother human being, the higher
chance that you will feelbetrayed, criticized, and
(25:36):
possibly even controlled bythem.
And if that does happen, youwork on your healing.
That can also happen at a highSQ level.
And so far I have told you a lotabout how to think differently,
but I also want to emphasize thepractice that it requires for
you to do within your body.
You may be wondering what do youactually do next time you enter
(26:00):
a room that feels unsafe to you.
So this is an opening for yourpractical transformation.
What you do is you add smallembodied moments.
You pause before you enter aroom, it could be a second, two
minutes, you notice yourthoughts, you physically relax
the muscles in your body, andyou ask yourself, what am I
(26:22):
making this mean?
What do I have the potential ofmaking their words mean for me?
Am I in actual danger or am Ianticipating judgment?
What would a grounded version ofme believe right now?
These kinds of embodiedquestions help you bridge
philosophy into real nervoussystem practice.
(26:45):
Having said all of that, thetalent of developing a safe
space is life changing.
It is an amazing skill and itrequires for you to see other
people's opinions as neutraloccurrences.
It requires for you to outgrowyour internal patterns.
So if you insist that people beable to create a safe space for
(27:05):
you, you're just bypassingresponsibility.
And that is just theresponsibility of you taking
ownership of your thoughts, ofdoing the work that will serve
you for the rest of your life.
And whenever you're askingsomebody else to change, meaning
that you're insisting that yourfamily create a safe space for
you, you're insisting that yourcolleagues do it, even though
(27:27):
you might not have explicitlyasked them to, you're insisting
on having them treat youdifferently, judge you less,
accept you more?
When all of these are onlyalways your responsibilities.
If they happen to come fromother people outside of you that
you're in relationships with,then this is amazing.
(27:49):
Again, when you fulfill yourresponsibility, you're able to
discern when other people areproviding you this safety and
when they're out to harm you.
When you are not takingresponsibility for this internal
change, this is just a moremodern, socially acceptable way
of trying to ask for people tochange.
If you want that your husbandbecome your safe space, that
(28:13):
will only come secondary to yourmind.
If you want your friends to beyour safe space, it will come
secondary to your mind.
What you have to do is employyour discernment, not your
judgment.
Do not confuse your healing withendless tolerance.
It does not mean that you'respiritually evolved just because
you learned how to surviveconstant emotional starvation.
(28:36):
Internal safety does not meanaccepting harm.
The balance is that you're notexpecting the world to never
judge you, but you're also notnormalizing environments that
crush your spirit.
Your regulation helps you stopoverreacting to normal human
behavior, and your discernmenthelps you leave people who
(28:57):
repeatedly violate your dignity.
Your safe space is your mind,your body, your heart.
Only then can you create a safespace as it relates to other
people and your environments.
Being in a safe space andcreating that for yourself is a
deep spiritual practice.
When you center Allah instead ofpeople, your reference point
(29:19):
shifts from creation to creator,and in that space all human
judgment loses its weight.
In that space you're anchored inwhat Allah sees in me and how He
has created me.
And that shift stabilizes youridentity in a way that no social
environment can ever do.
Because in that case your mindbecomes your safe space, so you
(29:43):
can create safety anywhere youwant.
Your safe space is your bada,which is tied to your
relationship with Allah.
Because when you're practicingTawakul in a very embodied way,
you are creating internalsafety.
You are trusting that your worthis not in the hands of people,
and your presence indicates ahundred percent worth because
(30:05):
you were created by Allah.
And when that reality lands inyour body, not just in your
intellect, you start to existdifferently, and from that
existence every space becomessafe.
With that I pray to AllahSubhanahu wa Ta'ala, O Allah,
make my heart a place of safetybefore I seek safety from
(30:28):
people.
Let my mind rest in what youknow of me, not in what others
think of me.
Ya Allah, anchor me in Tabakulso deeply that no one and no
room can destabilize me.
Allow me to remember again andagain of the dignity that you
have written for me that cannotbe controlled or taken by anyone
(30:50):
else.
Ya Allah, keep me and all of usamong the dignified and allow us
abundant safe spaces.
Amin Yarabul Almin.
Please keep me in your draas, Iwill talk to you guys next time.
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