May 12, 2026 • 19 mins
“Will they choose me?” sounds like a simple worry, but it can become the quiet engine behind your entire life. I unpack pick me energy as more than attention seeking: it’s what happens when your nervous system starts outsourcing authority, and your decisions get filtered through approval, acceptance, and the fear of being seen the “wrong” way. The result can look impressive on the outside and feel draining on the inside, especially for Muslim women who are trying to be excellent, helpful, and faithful while still feeling disconnected from their own truth.
We explore how pick me energy creates an invisible contract: I give more, I overfunction, I prove myself, and in return I should be chosen. Then I draw a crucial distinction that changes everything: explaining your value is not the same as performing for validation. Sometimes you do need to communicate your value at work, in business, in relationships, and in community because people are limited perceivers. The difference is your motive. Are you negotiating for worth, or are you simply making reality clear with confidence and humility?
The antidote is detachment, or nonattachment to the outcome. That doesn’t mean passivity. It means your mental health is not tied to someone else’s response. We walk through practical examples from promotions to dating to marriage, and we end with a powerful reframe: stop chasing visibility and start increasing coherence. Coherence makes your boundaries calmer, your words more meaningful, and your presence more trustworthy. If this resonates, subscribe for more tools, share this with a friend who’s tired of auditioning for love, and leave a review so more people can find the work.
I invite you to join The Ummi Collective. It is a weekly coaching program for Muslim mothers raising children on the autism spectrum.
Inside, you learn how to support your child’s development in a way that builds independence, confidence, and long-term success... without losing yourself in the process.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:04):
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast.
Apply tools that you learn inthis podcast and your life will
be unrecognizably successful.
Now your host, Dr.
Kamal Abdar.
SPEAKER_01 (00:16):
Hello, hello, hello everyone.
Peace and blessings be upon allof you.
Today we're going to be talkingabout pick me energy.
And in the general modern sense,it becomes a psychological
orientation where your sense ofworth is dependent on being
selected.
All of us want love andbelonging, and it's not about
that, because those are normalhuman desires.
(00:39):
The defining feature of pick meenergy is that your identity
becomes emotionally organizedaround the question do they
choose me?
Do they pick me consciously andsubconsciously?
In the current popular culture,the term is used to
superficially describe someonewho is attention seeking or over
(01:00):
accommodating for the sake ofapproval, especially in romantic
contexts.
But this definition is rathershallow, so allow me to define
it at a much deeper level.
When you're being a pick me,you're being in a state where
you want to be selected orpreferred by someone else.
It is not necessarily justsomeone who wants success and
(01:22):
love.
Again, those are human needs.
This distinction is that yoursense of worth becomes
contingent on being chosen.
The pick me energy is theoutsourcing of your own
authority.
This is when your nervous systembecomes externally referenced
instead of being internallygrounded.
In this sense, every decisionyou make begins with a passing
(01:44):
through an invisible question,question being if it will be
approved by other people.
You ask questions like will thisincrease my chances of being
accepted?
And that filter becomes soautomatic that you don't realize
it's happening, you don'trealize that it's shaping your
life, your decisions, yourmoment to moment actions.
(02:05):
You think that you're makingdecisions based on your
preference, your personality,morality, spirituality, even
your wisdom.
When you're actually makingdecisions based on anticipating
belonging, and you're editingyourself in real time for social
survival.
As an aftermath of this, youstop asking what do I truly
think?
(02:26):
What do I genuinely want?
What is aligned for me?
And instead your mind becomesoccupied with how will this be
received?
Will I upset someone?
Is this still lovable?
Does this make me desirable?
Is this any less acceptable?
And then in this way your lifeslowly becomes constructed
around emotional risk managementrather than your own truth.
(02:49):
And this is how a Muslim womanbecomes profoundly disconnected
from herself while stillappearing as highly functional.
Because externally yourdecisions make sense and they're
socially rewarded, evenrespected and approved of, but
internally there's exhaustion,there's resentment, there's
confusion, because in thisprocess you never really
(03:11):
consulted your highest self, andyour nervous system becomes
trained to prioritize belongingover authenticity and belonging.
And this makes this dynamicdifficult to recognize because
this is acceptable and a highlylegitimate human need to belong.
Human beings are wired forconnection.
(03:32):
But the problem begins whenacceptance stops being a factor
in your decision and becomes thegoverning authority behind all
of them.
And I want to anchor thispowerful concept in your mind,
and that is that it's not aboutyour desperation.
Many women in fact operatingfrom pick me energy look very
polished and highly achieving,even admirable on the surface,
(03:57):
because you can be successfuland disciplined, accomplished
and religious and still beoperating from pick me energy.
And I always tell you guysbecause this is never about what
you do, how you behave, it'sabout why you're doing it, who
you're being while you're doingit.
And a woman being accommodating,dressing modestly, excellent at
(04:19):
work, and even being emotionallyintelligent, could either be
expressing her authentic self orshe could be unconsciously
optimizing to be picked, pickedas a friend or a colleague, as a
spouse or as a mother.
Pick me thinking creates aninvisible contract in your mind.
You give something to the world,your beauty, your kindness, your
(04:42):
patience, your overfunctioning,and in return you expect to be
chosen, respected, evenvalidated.
Now, a very important contrastthat I want to make in this
podcast is that you explainingyour values, helping other
people see the worth in yourwork does not automatically mean
(05:03):
that you have fallen into pickme energy.
And this is a very importantdistinction because your
external behavior can come fromtwo different internal
capacities.
If you are explaining your valuebecause you're trying to be
chosen, or if you're explainingyour value because you already
know how valuable you and yourwork is.
(05:26):
In one energy you'renegotiating, in the other you're
correcting any misunderstandingthat other people might have
about the value you bring to thetable.
And there's a misinterpretationin the Muslim woman's world in
this regard, and that is thethinking that if you're
valuable, everyone should seeit.
And this is a deeply seductivebelief that sounds like self
(05:48):
respect, but it is a trap.
And that trap is if I'm trulyvaluable I should not have to
show it.
Because it feels dignified.
It feels like you're refusing tobeg, but in reality what it is
doing is that assuming that theworld is already calibrated to
recognize the level ofexcellence that you have to
(06:08):
offer.
It assumes that people haveawareness, they have the
capacity to perceive your valueaccurately, and a lot of times
that assumption is false.
People are operating from theirown limitations, their own
conditioning.
They see the world from theirown expectations.
If someone is used to eighthours of average work by their
(06:31):
employee, they will notautomatically recognize four
hours of excellent andextraordinary work that you
provide.
They will not see it as superiorunless you orient their
perception to it.
And yes, I understand, in anideal world you should not have
to explain your value.
And there is value inadvertising yourself, your
(06:52):
talent, your transferableskills, but this is not an ideal
world.
Here you might have to sellyourself in a job interview
because the person interviewingyou might not see your value
quite yet.
You might have to sell yourselfto your customer, because in a
business world, the customermight not see what you quite
(07:13):
have to offer yet.
Because all of these people arecoming from their own lens.
So as I've been telling you inthis conversation, this
distinction becomes clear whenyou shift from please see me to
let me show you what you'reactually missing.
And this is the differencebetween showing your value and
performing for validation.
(07:35):
Performing is when you distortyourself to meet somebody else's
expectations in hopes that theypick you, that they love you,
that they admire you.
And in this process, you slowlyand unknowingly abandon
yourself.
And this is the energy thatleaves you resentful and
depleted.
Because deep down, even if theychoose you, the version of you
(07:56):
they're choosing isn't even thereal you.
Showing your value, on the otherhand, is an act of clarity.
This is when you stand in yourtruth, making it visible to
everyone.
You're not adding anything,you're not subtracting anything,
you're not inflating, you're notshrinking, you're just
articulating reality as it'ssupposed to be.
(08:18):
And this is not so much aboutselling yourself, even though
I'm speaking about it in thoseterms.
It's more about correctinganother person's mind error that
they might be carrying towardsyou.
The focus here is ondemonstrating value in a way
that serves the system.
Maybe it's the system of theoutcomes that you are trying to
create in your own personallife.
(08:39):
Maybe it's a system where youserve your patients, a business,
spirituality.
This is all the while stillhonoring your personal
boundaries.
This is why if you're in aworkplace and you're trying to
show your boss your value, thefocus is not going to be forcing
the boss to understand or forher to emotionally validate you.
(09:02):
The focus is going to be youdefining your value or just
simply pointing out where yourimportant work might have been
overlooked.
This is where your highestsoulful intelligence shows up
because you reframe the questionfrom why they don't see me and
you start asking, how do I makeclear what I already am
(09:23):
undeniable to the other person?
And in all of this, the simplestsolution is detachment.
Detachment to the outcome is theantidote to pick me energy.
When you're attached to otherpeople's approval and acceptance
of your value, you are in pickme energy.
When you're non attached to thisoutcome, meaning their input to
(09:48):
the matter does not derail you,that means you're showing them
your value from true grounding.
Pick me energy says I showedyou, now you have to choose me.
High value energy says I showedyou, now you get to decide
whatever this means to you, andI get to decide what your
(10:08):
decision means to me.
And this is where most women inmy coaching need the most help.
They want to show their value,but still hold on to the control
of the other person's response.
Because in this case the valueyou are communicating is tied to
their acceptance of it.
Nonattachment as I'm describinghere does not mean you stop
(10:29):
caring to show the world yourvalue.
It means your mental health isnot tied to them seeing it.
If you applied for a promotionat work, you present the project
you led, and the whole systemimproved, you helped generate
revenue, you helped solveproblems.
When you're helping them see thevalue you contributed, it's not
(10:51):
necessarily coming fromarrogance or trying to prove
your worth.
It's not necessarily pick meenergy.
It can be accurate valuecommunication based on what your
belief system behind youractions is.
Pick me energy says I explainedmy value, so now if they don't
promote me, it means I'm notgood enough.
(11:12):
High value energy says Iexplained my value clearly, so
if they still don't recognizeme, that gives me information
about the environment, I pivot,I communicate differently, or I
change circumstance, or I changethe environment completely.
None of this is about yourinherent worth.
(11:33):
If you're a woman who spiralsfor months and question your
intelligence, obsessing on everyinteraction, mentally reliving
the meetings, you are in pick meenergy.
If you're a woman who updatesyour resume, strengthens your
portfolio, continues to improveyour skills, and decides whether
the environment is still alignedfor your future, while your
(11:57):
external actions might be thesame, you are inherently in
completely different nervoussystems.
You are bringing high value tothe table with non attachment of
other people's acceptance of it.
If you're a single woman goingout to meet a prospect and you
allow yourself to be fullyintelligent, funny, opinionated,
(12:18):
emotionally deep, ambitious,spiritual, soft, or whatever it
is that's genuine about you,your intention is to present the
picture accurately.
And this behavior can have twodifferent energies.
Pick me energy says I showed himwho I am, so now he needs to
choose me or something is wrongwith me.
(12:40):
High value energy says Irevealed myself honestly to both
of us and we will both determinethe compatibility.
As you can sense, the differencebehind the two is massive.
If you're married and youcommunicate to your husband how
you contribute to the householdemotionally, mentally,
(13:01):
financially, logistically, andthen you tell him I want
partnership, consideration,emotional reciprocity.
This communicates high healthyvalues.
On the other hand, pick meenergy will say I finally
explained my worth, so now hemust respond correctly, and by
(13:22):
correctly you mean responding ina way that you deem acceptable.
In pick me energy he mustvalidate you exactly the way you
imagined.
And this of course weakens thefoundation of any relationship.
So in these examples, thedetachment, or rather the non
attachment that I'm describingto the outcome is not passivity,
(13:44):
because many situations call foryou to absolutely communicate
your value clearly and directly,because human beings are limited
in their perception.
Your employees, your spouse,friends, audiences, customers,
communities, they're not mindreaders.
Sometimes your leadership willrequire helping people see what
(14:07):
is already present in you.
But your emotional sufferingwill begin when your nervous
system becomes fused to theirresponse, when their recognition
becomes the authority about howyou will feel, whether your
value is real or not.
This is why so many womenoscillate between over
explaining and shutting downcompletely.
(14:28):
They're terrified that if theypresent themselves honestly and
they're still not chosen, thensomehow the rejection means
something existential.
A grounded woman understandscompletely differently.
She says my responsibility isaccurate self-expression, my
mental health belongs to me, andtheir response belongs to them.
(14:50):
And once you start to see this,there will come a point where
you realize that most of yourexhaustion has not been coming
from work itself.
It's not coming from therelationship or even the hard
work that you put in your life.
It's coming from the constantattempt to be seen correctly and
tying your worth to theiracceptance.
Because when that happens, youtry to manage perceptions, which
(15:13):
is exhausting work because otherpeople's perceptions are not in
your control.
Constantly trying to make surethat people understand your
intentions correctly, they seeyour sacrifices, your
intelligence, your goodness,this is exhaustive work.
You can be showing up the sameexact way, and one person will
admire you while the otherperson will criticize you,
(15:36):
because human beings areinconsistent perceivers.
So it will suit you well todeprogram pick me energy out of
your subconscious mind.
Because chasing visibility feelsvery different.
It's not loud or narcissistic.
Many times it looks like justover explaining or oversharing.
You become overly preoccupiedwith how you're landing in other
(15:59):
people's minds.
But if you're operating fromhigh value and clarity, it
changes your entire orientationto life.
Because in that sense you saythis is who I am, this is what I
value, this is what I have tooffer, and this is how much I
will participate.
And this state is fascinatingbecause it is extremely
(16:21):
metabolically efficient.
It stops you from constantfragmentation.
It saves you from constant shapeshifting psychologically.
Your words become moremeaningful and consistent
because they're not overloadedwith hidden negotiations for
approval.
Your boundaries become calmerand much stronger.
(16:41):
It is a calm, peaceful energybecause you're no longer being
drained by managing everyone'semotional response to you.
A person in pick me energychasing visibility and
acceptance is trying to increasetheir attention.
A person embodying clarity andhigh value is increasing
(17:02):
coherence.
And all human beings are deeplydrawn to coherence, even if they
cannot explain why.
And ironically, coherencecreates natural visibility.
Because people trust thatclarity.
People remember it, people feelattracted to it and feel safe
around it.
Even disagreements become easierbecause you as a person are
(17:25):
deeply anchored in yourself andyour opinions.
And this is why a lot of Muslimwomen experience a strange
phenomena when they stop tryinghard to be chosen.
The time and attention currencythat you spent for years
desperately chasing somethingsuddenly begins to find them
without expending any moreenergy.
(17:47):
That way you attract acceptance.
So inshallah, my intention herewas to do a simple enough job to
explain to you what pick meenergy looks like and how you
can unlearn it.
And this way you can allowyourself to show your value to
the world, not because you wantto be desperately chosen,
because your grounded value thatyou provide to the world is
(18:09):
worth revealing.
With that I pray to Allahsubhanahu wa ta'ala, O Allah,
free my heart from seeking worththrough people's approval.
Anchor me in the truth of whoyou have created me to be.
Let me communicate my value withhumility and confidence.
Protect me from abandoningmyself for acceptance, and make
(18:30):
my worth only rooted in youropinion.
Amin Yarabul Almin.
Please keep me in your drawas.
I will talk to you guys nexttime.
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast.
Apply tools that you learn inthis podcast and your life will
be unrecognizably successful.
Now your host, Dr.
Kamal Abdar.
SPEAKER_01 (00:16):
Hello, hello, hello everyone.
Peace and blessings be upon allof you.
Today we're going to be talkingabout pick me energy.
And in the general modern sense,it becomes a psychological
orientation where your sense ofworth is dependent on being
selected.
All of us want love andbelonging, and it's not about
that, because those are normalhuman desires.
(00:39):
The defining feature of pick meenergy is that your identity
becomes emotionally organizedaround the question do they
choose me?
Do they pick me consciously andsubconsciously?
In the current popular culture,the term is used to
superficially describe someonewho is attention seeking or over
(01:00):
accommodating for the sake ofapproval, especially in romantic
contexts.
But this definition is rathershallow, so allow me to define
it at a much deeper level.
When you're being a pick me,you're being in a state where
you want to be selected orpreferred by someone else.
It is not necessarily justsomeone who wants success and
(01:22):
love.
Again, those are human needs.
This distinction is that yoursense of worth becomes
contingent on being chosen.
The pick me energy is theoutsourcing of your own
authority.
This is when your nervous systembecomes externally referenced
instead of being internallygrounded.
In this sense, every decisionyou make begins with a passing
(01:44):
through an invisible question,question being if it will be
approved by other people.
You ask questions like will thisincrease my chances of being
accepted?
And that filter becomes soautomatic that you don't realize
it's happening, you don'trealize that it's shaping your
life, your decisions, yourmoment to moment actions.
(02:05):
You think that you're makingdecisions based on your
preference, your personality,morality, spirituality, even
your wisdom.
When you're actually makingdecisions based on anticipating
belonging, and you're editingyourself in real time for social
survival.
As an aftermath of this, youstop asking what do I truly
think?
(02:26):
What do I genuinely want?
What is aligned for me?
And instead your mind becomesoccupied with how will this be
received?
Will I upset someone?
Is this still lovable?
Does this make me desirable?
Is this any less acceptable?
And then in this way your lifeslowly becomes constructed
around emotional risk managementrather than your own truth.
(02:49):
And this is how a Muslim womanbecomes profoundly disconnected
from herself while stillappearing as highly functional.
Because externally yourdecisions make sense and they're
socially rewarded, evenrespected and approved of, but
internally there's exhaustion,there's resentment, there's
confusion, because in thisprocess you never really
(03:11):
consulted your highest self, andyour nervous system becomes
trained to prioritize belongingover authenticity and belonging.
And this makes this dynamicdifficult to recognize because
this is acceptable and a highlylegitimate human need to belong.
Human beings are wired forconnection.
(03:32):
But the problem begins whenacceptance stops being a factor
in your decision and becomes thegoverning authority behind all
of them.
And I want to anchor thispowerful concept in your mind,
and that is that it's not aboutyour desperation.
Many women in fact operatingfrom pick me energy look very
polished and highly achieving,even admirable on the surface,
(03:57):
because you can be successfuland disciplined, accomplished
and religious and still beoperating from pick me energy.
And I always tell you guysbecause this is never about what
you do, how you behave, it'sabout why you're doing it, who
you're being while you're doingit.
And a woman being accommodating,dressing modestly, excellent at
(04:19):
work, and even being emotionallyintelligent, could either be
expressing her authentic self orshe could be unconsciously
optimizing to be picked, pickedas a friend or a colleague, as a
spouse or as a mother.
Pick me thinking creates aninvisible contract in your mind.
You give something to the world,your beauty, your kindness, your
(04:42):
patience, your overfunctioning,and in return you expect to be
chosen, respected, evenvalidated.
Now, a very important contrastthat I want to make in this
podcast is that you explainingyour values, helping other
people see the worth in yourwork does not automatically mean
(05:03):
that you have fallen into pickme energy.
And this is a very importantdistinction because your
external behavior can come fromtwo different internal
capacities.
If you are explaining your valuebecause you're trying to be
chosen, or if you're explainingyour value because you already
know how valuable you and yourwork is.
(05:26):
In one energy you'renegotiating, in the other you're
correcting any misunderstandingthat other people might have
about the value you bring to thetable.
And there's a misinterpretationin the Muslim woman's world in
this regard, and that is thethinking that if you're
valuable, everyone should seeit.
And this is a deeply seductivebelief that sounds like self
(05:48):
respect, but it is a trap.
And that trap is if I'm trulyvaluable I should not have to
show it.
Because it feels dignified.
It feels like you're refusing tobeg, but in reality what it is
doing is that assuming that theworld is already calibrated to
recognize the level ofexcellence that you have to
(06:08):
offer.
It assumes that people haveawareness, they have the
capacity to perceive your valueaccurately, and a lot of times
that assumption is false.
People are operating from theirown limitations, their own
conditioning.
They see the world from theirown expectations.
If someone is used to eighthours of average work by their
(06:31):
employee, they will notautomatically recognize four
hours of excellent andextraordinary work that you
provide.
They will not see it as superiorunless you orient their
perception to it.
And yes, I understand, in anideal world you should not have
to explain your value.
And there is value inadvertising yourself, your
(06:52):
talent, your transferableskills, but this is not an ideal
world.
Here you might have to sellyourself in a job interview
because the person interviewingyou might not see your value
quite yet.
You might have to sell yourselfto your customer, because in a
business world, the customermight not see what you quite
(07:13):
have to offer yet.
Because all of these people arecoming from their own lens.
So as I've been telling you inthis conversation, this
distinction becomes clear whenyou shift from please see me to
let me show you what you'reactually missing.
And this is the differencebetween showing your value and
performing for validation.
(07:35):
Performing is when you distortyourself to meet somebody else's
expectations in hopes that theypick you, that they love you,
that they admire you.
And in this process, you slowlyand unknowingly abandon
yourself.
And this is the energy thatleaves you resentful and
depleted.
Because deep down, even if theychoose you, the version of you
(07:56):
they're choosing isn't even thereal you.
Showing your value, on the otherhand, is an act of clarity.
This is when you stand in yourtruth, making it visible to
everyone.
You're not adding anything,you're not subtracting anything,
you're not inflating, you're notshrinking, you're just
articulating reality as it'ssupposed to be.
(08:18):
And this is not so much aboutselling yourself, even though
I'm speaking about it in thoseterms.
It's more about correctinganother person's mind error that
they might be carrying towardsyou.
The focus here is ondemonstrating value in a way
that serves the system.
Maybe it's the system of theoutcomes that you are trying to
create in your own personallife.
(08:39):
Maybe it's a system where youserve your patients, a business,
spirituality.
This is all the while stillhonoring your personal
boundaries.
This is why if you're in aworkplace and you're trying to
show your boss your value, thefocus is not going to be forcing
the boss to understand or forher to emotionally validate you.
(09:02):
The focus is going to be youdefining your value or just
simply pointing out where yourimportant work might have been
overlooked.
This is where your highestsoulful intelligence shows up
because you reframe the questionfrom why they don't see me and
you start asking, how do I makeclear what I already am
(09:23):
undeniable to the other person?
And in all of this, the simplestsolution is detachment.
Detachment to the outcome is theantidote to pick me energy.
When you're attached to otherpeople's approval and acceptance
of your value, you are in pickme energy.
When you're non attached to thisoutcome, meaning their input to
(09:48):
the matter does not derail you,that means you're showing them
your value from true grounding.
Pick me energy says I showedyou, now you have to choose me.
High value energy says I showedyou, now you get to decide
whatever this means to you, andI get to decide what your
(10:08):
decision means to me.
And this is where most women inmy coaching need the most help.
They want to show their value,but still hold on to the control
of the other person's response.
Because in this case the valueyou are communicating is tied to
their acceptance of it.
Nonattachment as I'm describinghere does not mean you stop
(10:29):
caring to show the world yourvalue.
It means your mental health isnot tied to them seeing it.
If you applied for a promotionat work, you present the project
you led, and the whole systemimproved, you helped generate
revenue, you helped solveproblems.
When you're helping them see thevalue you contributed, it's not
(10:51):
necessarily coming fromarrogance or trying to prove
your worth.
It's not necessarily pick meenergy.
It can be accurate valuecommunication based on what your
belief system behind youractions is.
Pick me energy says I explainedmy value, so now if they don't
promote me, it means I'm notgood enough.
(11:12):
High value energy says Iexplained my value clearly, so
if they still don't recognizeme, that gives me information
about the environment, I pivot,I communicate differently, or I
change circumstance, or I changethe environment completely.
None of this is about yourinherent worth.
(11:33):
If you're a woman who spiralsfor months and question your
intelligence, obsessing on everyinteraction, mentally reliving
the meetings, you are in pick meenergy.
If you're a woman who updatesyour resume, strengthens your
portfolio, continues to improveyour skills, and decides whether
the environment is still alignedfor your future, while your
(11:57):
external actions might be thesame, you are inherently in
completely different nervoussystems.
You are bringing high value tothe table with non attachment of
other people's acceptance of it.
If you're a single woman goingout to meet a prospect and you
allow yourself to be fullyintelligent, funny, opinionated,
(12:18):
emotionally deep, ambitious,spiritual, soft, or whatever it
is that's genuine about you,your intention is to present the
picture accurately.
And this behavior can have twodifferent energies.
Pick me energy says I showed himwho I am, so now he needs to
choose me or something is wrongwith me.
(12:40):
High value energy says Irevealed myself honestly to both
of us and we will both determinethe compatibility.
As you can sense, the differencebehind the two is massive.
If you're married and youcommunicate to your husband how
you contribute to the householdemotionally, mentally,
(13:01):
financially, logistically, andthen you tell him I want
partnership, consideration,emotional reciprocity.
This communicates high healthyvalues.
On the other hand, pick meenergy will say I finally
explained my worth, so now hemust respond correctly, and by
(13:22):
correctly you mean responding ina way that you deem acceptable.
In pick me energy he mustvalidate you exactly the way you
imagined.
And this of course weakens thefoundation of any relationship.
So in these examples, thedetachment, or rather the non
attachment that I'm describingto the outcome is not passivity,
(13:44):
because many situations call foryou to absolutely communicate
your value clearly and directly,because human beings are limited
in their perception.
Your employees, your spouse,friends, audiences, customers,
communities, they're not mindreaders.
Sometimes your leadership willrequire helping people see what
(14:07):
is already present in you.
But your emotional sufferingwill begin when your nervous
system becomes fused to theirresponse, when their recognition
becomes the authority about howyou will feel, whether your
value is real or not.
This is why so many womenoscillate between over
explaining and shutting downcompletely.
(14:28):
They're terrified that if theypresent themselves honestly and
they're still not chosen, thensomehow the rejection means
something existential.
A grounded woman understandscompletely differently.
She says my responsibility isaccurate self-expression, my
mental health belongs to me, andtheir response belongs to them.
(14:50):
And once you start to see this,there will come a point where
you realize that most of yourexhaustion has not been coming
from work itself.
It's not coming from therelationship or even the hard
work that you put in your life.
It's coming from the constantattempt to be seen correctly and
tying your worth to theiracceptance.
Because when that happens, youtry to manage perceptions, which
(15:13):
is exhausting work because otherpeople's perceptions are not in
your control.
Constantly trying to make surethat people understand your
intentions correctly, they seeyour sacrifices, your
intelligence, your goodness,this is exhaustive work.
You can be showing up the sameexact way, and one person will
admire you while the otherperson will criticize you,
(15:36):
because human beings areinconsistent perceivers.
So it will suit you well todeprogram pick me energy out of
your subconscious mind.
Because chasing visibility feelsvery different.
It's not loud or narcissistic.
Many times it looks like justover explaining or oversharing.
You become overly preoccupiedwith how you're landing in other
(15:59):
people's minds.
But if you're operating fromhigh value and clarity, it
changes your entire orientationto life.
Because in that sense you saythis is who I am, this is what I
value, this is what I have tooffer, and this is how much I
will participate.
And this state is fascinatingbecause it is extremely
(16:21):
metabolically efficient.
It stops you from constantfragmentation.
It saves you from constant shapeshifting psychologically.
Your words become moremeaningful and consistent
because they're not overloadedwith hidden negotiations for
approval.
Your boundaries become calmerand much stronger.
(16:41):
It is a calm, peaceful energybecause you're no longer being
drained by managing everyone'semotional response to you.
A person in pick me energychasing visibility and
acceptance is trying to increasetheir attention.
A person embodying clarity andhigh value is increasing
(17:02):
coherence.
And all human beings are deeplydrawn to coherence, even if they
cannot explain why.
And ironically, coherencecreates natural visibility.
Because people trust thatclarity.
People remember it, people feelattracted to it and feel safe
around it.
Even disagreements become easierbecause you as a person are
(17:25):
deeply anchored in yourself andyour opinions.
And this is why a lot of Muslimwomen experience a strange
phenomena when they stop tryinghard to be chosen.
The time and attention currencythat you spent for years
desperately chasing somethingsuddenly begins to find them
without expending any moreenergy.
(17:47):
That way you attract acceptance.
So inshallah, my intention herewas to do a simple enough job to
explain to you what pick meenergy looks like and how you
can unlearn it.
And this way you can allowyourself to show your value to
the world, not because you wantto be desperately chosen,
because your grounded value thatyou provide to the world is
(18:09):
worth revealing.
With that I pray to Allahsubhanahu wa ta'ala, O Allah,
free my heart from seeking worththrough people's approval.
Anchor me in the truth of whoyou have created me to be.
Let me communicate my value withhumility and confidence.
Protect me from abandoningmyself for acceptance, and make
(18:30):
my worth only rooted in youropinion.
Amin Yarabul Almin.
Please keep me in your drawas.
I will talk to you guys nexttime.
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