March 17, 2026 • 19 mins
Your relationship patterns might not be a “chemistry” problem or a communication problem. They might be a nervous system problem. We talk about your consciousness set point, what I measure as SQ (soulful intelligence), and how the baseline state you live from quietly determines your perception, your choices, and the dynamics you keep recreating in love, marriage, family, and close friendships.
We unpack how trauma can begin as an intelligent survival response and then turn chronic, lowering your set point until you interpret life through threat. From that wavelength, relationships tend to organize around reactivity, defensiveness, control, avoidance, emotional dependency, and enmeshment. I explain why many “toxic relationships” are sustained by shared operating levels, not just behaviors, and why simply leaving a painful situation without healing your internal operating system can lead you straight into the same dynamic with a different face.
We also name a subtle spiritual trap: when low SQ makes pain feel virtuous and self-abandonment feel like patience. I challenge the rescuer narrative and the idea that you’re responsible for another adult’s healing, then lay out what higher SQ looks like in practice: boundaries with compassion, space between trigger and response, steadiness near dysfunction, and decisions made from self-worth instead of fear. If you want nervous system regulation, trauma-informed relationship healing, and a Ramadan mindset shift that actually changes your life, press play, subscribe, and share this with someone who needs steadier love. What part of this hit home for you?
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Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_00 (00:04):
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast.
Apply tools that you learn inthis podcast and your life will
be unrecognizably successful.
Now your host, Dr.
Kamal Abdar.
SPEAKER_01 (00:16):
Hello, hello, hello everyone.
Peace and blessings be upon allof you.
Today is part four of the seriesin Ramadan, where we talk about
your operating level, which iswhat determines how you relate
to life.
This operating level ismeasured.
In my program, I measure thisoperating level through an SQ
score or soulful intelligencescore.
(00:37):
The score represents thewavelength at which you live
your life.
Low set point narrows yourperception and it narrows your
relationship dynamics.
High set point expands all ofthat.
Inshallah currently we are usingthe month of Ramadan to raise
the set point.
When your internal operatingsystem upgrades, you're not able
to be controlled by others, andyou start to understand that
(00:59):
your survival through trauma wasnot evidence of your weakness.
It was itself evidence of a highset point in the moment where it
mattered the most.
Your nervous system at thatpoint made the most intelligent
decision it could.
It activated fight, flight,freeze, or fawn response in a
way that preserved you.
That was its design, and thatwas brilliant.
(01:21):
That was your body choosingsurvival when your conscious
choice was limited.
But living in perpetual traumalowers your set point.
When your survival mood becomeschronic, the very mechanism that
once protected you will begin tonarrow your life.
In that state, the brain willremain in the state of default,
(01:42):
and it will almost alwaysdefault to survival coding.
And because perception is whatshapes your experience, you will
begin to interpret life througha trauma lens.
A low set point narrowsperception, when perception
narrows, your choice narrows,and when that happens, your
relational patterns also narrow.
(02:02):
That's how the original traumagets stronger in your psyche.
So so far this has been thesummary of the previous parts of
the Ramadan series on yourconsciousness set point.
Today we're going to explore howthat shows up in your
relationship.
We talk about how your energeticwavelength is showing up in your
relationship dynamics.
(02:22):
Toxic relationships that youoften complain about are not
sustained only by behavior, thatis just a superficial layer.
They are sustained by sharedoperating levels of the people
that are in the relationship.
Two nervous systems interactingfrom similar set points will
stabilize around that level,whether it is a high or a low
(02:43):
set point.
When both people are operatingfrom survival coding, the
relationship will organizeitself around a low set point,
which is reactivity,defensiveness, control,
avoidance, a lot of emotionaldependency and enmeshment.
It may look like conflict orincompatibility by behavior, but
(03:03):
underneath it all is a differentfuel that is your shared
operating level.
Flight survival responsedefaults at an operating level
in males to become narcissisticadult patterns.
Fond survival response defaultsat an operating level in women
that become people pleasingadult patterns.
And more often than not thosetwo attract each other, which is
(03:25):
a low set point for both.
And as a disclaimer, what I'mmostly discussing in this
podcast is relationships outsideof abuse, where your safety must
be prioritized.
So please, as I always say, makesure you are in a safe
situation, then we can look tosee how most repeating
relational patterns persistbecause your internal state
(03:47):
remains unchanged.
If one partner comes from ourlens of threat and the other is
avoidant, dismissive, ordominant from their own survival
patterns, the toxic dynamic willfeed itself.
This is why simply leaving adifficult relationship without
upgrading your nervous systemreproduces the dynamic in
(04:09):
another relationship.
If the operating system remainsthe same, the relational
outcome, no matter where you go,will reorganize itself around
the low set point, meaning youwill fall back into the trap of
survival patterns of behavior.
You may change who you are with,you may change the environment,
(04:30):
even the city.
But if your set point remainslow, you will still interpret
through survival.
You will still put up withmicroaggressions, or if you have
decided that you're not going toput up with microaggressions
anymore, you will deal with themin a way that will weaken the
relationship.
You will tolerate what matchesyour internal coding, and you
(04:51):
will still react in ways thatconfirm your old narrative.
Raising your set point is whatshifts the wavelength that
you're living at.
And when that happens, youravailability also shifts.
You become less recruitable fornarcissistic abuse, for
manipulation, less available foryour own perfectionism and
(05:12):
people pleasing.
Then relationships reorganizearound your new coherence.
Either that or they fall apartbecause they can no longer stay
stable since you've given upyour old operating level.
Upgrading your internal systemis what liberates you from the
need of controlling others,which is very lucky for you
because you can't control themanyways.
(05:33):
When you change the level fromwhich you relate, the people you
relate to have the invite tochange as well.
A low SQ makes your sufferingsound like it's the more
spiritual thing to do.
It makes pain and suffering seemmore virtuous.
This pattern is especially truefor women when they're told to
be patient in difficultrelationships.
(05:55):
For Muslim women, the childhoodover attunement that might have
been the survival mechanism istold to them that it is the
religious thing to do.
But all of that is justcompliance conditioning.
What was adaptive overattunement that might have saved
your life or allowed you theconditional love of your
(06:15):
caregiver, or at the very leastkept you out of harm's way now
becomes a trap of responsibilitybecause of patriarchal
interpretations of the religion.
It is what happens when youlearn through your low SQ
survival pattern that safety canonly come from agreeing with
everyone else, that being in theperpetual state of self
(06:37):
sacrifice is the Islamic thingto do.
Low SQ makes self abandonmentfeel spiritual, and when you
begin to interpret your lifethrough this endurance as an
identity, when you prideyourself on how much you can
tolerate or you measure yourvirtue by how much discomfort
you can absorb without anyprotest, you are convincing your
(06:59):
nervous system that you are madefor a low level life.
If you are telling yourself thatyou are a wasila for a man's
healing in your life, that yoursoftness, your patience, your
regulation, your suffering willbe the conduit through which
Allah subhanahu wa ta'alareforms the man in your life, I
want to warn you that this trapis very subtle because it feels
(07:21):
noble.
I will also warn you that nomatter how noble it seems, you
cannot take responsibility forsomeone else's healing if you
are operating from a low SQ setpoint.
When your internal system is notregulated, stepping into the
role of rescuer will inevitablyreactivate your own survival
(07:42):
responses.
You will overgive, you willoverperform, you will take
responsibility for otherpeople's emotions that you think
you're trying to heal.
You will try to regulate theiremotions for them, which is not
your responsibility to beginwith.
And when all of that happens,slowly and almost invisibly your
own set point drops.
(08:04):
Rescuing someone or helpingsomeone through their own trauma
patterns requires anextraordinary internal
stability.
If your SQ is not close to 75,meaning you do not have
consistent access to pause,discernment, and boundaries, you
are not anchored in yourinternal coherence, you will
(08:26):
erase yourself in the process ofhelping somebody else, and you
will call it sacrifice, or worseyet you will call it your
spiritual duty, and you willthink this is love.
You will give it all sorts ofbeautiful names when it's none
of that, and when you feeldepleted, which you eventually
will, when you feel resentfuland confused because you don't
(08:48):
know what happened to you, it'shappening because of simple
physics of emotionalwavelengths.
If you do not have stronginternal and external resources
to keep you anchored andvibrating at high frequencies,
you have no business beingsomeone else's rescuer.
At a low consciousness setpoint, you are emotionally
(09:09):
recruitable.
It makes your nervous systemporous to other people's
dysregulation.
In that state you will confuseenmeshment and no emotional
boundaries with virtue.
That state confuses endurancewith righteousness.
A high SQ, a high consciousnessset point, on the other hand,
(09:30):
offers you support so that youcan love without losing your
boundaries.
It will let you care for otherpeople without taking on over
responsibility.
A high SQ also lets youunderstand that Allah does not
require you to heal anotheradult, especially if you're not
in a position to do so.
You're not appointed as everyoneelse's nervous system regulator.
(09:53):
They're adults, they can helpthemselves if they choose to.
Also let me remind you now whata high set point looks like.
At that state, negativity stillexists, but it does not dominate
your perception.
You can hold hardship withoutturning into a major story about
your life.
You can tolerate uncertainty andambiguity much better.
(10:16):
At this level there is spacebetween trigger and response.
Your nervous system overall isfunctioning in a regulated
phase, regulated enough thatyou're not reacting from
survival, even though you mighthave at one point.
You don't expect life to bepainless, but you also don't
interpret it as a personalpunishment.
(10:37):
And rationally this changeseverything, because in this
state you start to createboundaries from steadiness and
love.
You stand in the same room asdysfunction without becoming a
part of it.
You can be in very closeproximity to someone else's
volatility, but you don'tinternalize their projections.
Their emotional state does notbecome yours, and you are no
(11:00):
longer pulled into fragmentationjust because it exists around
you.
That is being very close to anSQ score of seventy-five, and
you have no business trying tohelp someone heal if your own
energetic wavelength is notclose to that number.
If you attempt to rescue or helpsomeone from a low set point,
(11:20):
you will reenter your verysurvival patterns that you're
trying to outgrow, and this willcost you your own stability.
All I'm asking you to do israise your SQ first, stabilize
your system first, and thenyou're welcome to help whoever
you want.
Your wish, your dua that theother person be able to live a
(11:42):
life of healing, health, andhappiness that is extremely
noble and very empathic, andthat is a huge strength.
But you have to remember thatthis empathy without a level of
containment is what gets youinto trouble.
You feel what they feel, and ifyou don't have a system set in
place that will help youdifferentiate your state from
(12:03):
their state, you will begin torely on them for your regulation
instead of being able to do itfor yourself, and the whole
operation will backfire.
Very common telltale signs ifyou're in a position to help
somebody heal is if their mooddetermines your stability, if
their withdrawal destabilizesyour sense of worth, you are not
(12:24):
in a position to help them.
And not only can you not helpthem, you're gonna end up
hurting yourself.
You are destabilizing your ownsystem that you've worked so
hard to build.
You cannot help someone whilebeing controlled by their
emotions, so stop trying to doso.
If you try to be a rescuerbecause you feel sorry for them,
(12:45):
because what will happen to themif you don't help them?
Your own low SQ will make yoususceptible to the emotional
contagion.
The most dysregulated nervoussystem in that space will set
the ceiling for your nervoussystem, and you will lower
yourself to fit under thatceiling.
High SQ is access to choice andleadership, and this is where
(13:07):
leadership does not meandominance.
It means self-governance.
It means you remain steady evenwhen someone else you are in a
close relationship is notsteady.
You can choose when to engage orwhether to engage and how to
engage, and you can choose theoutcome you want for your life.
When you are at that level of aninternal wavelength, only then
(13:31):
will I allow you to considerhelping someone.
When empathy is not anchored inboundaries, it turns into hyper
responsibility.
And in this world, hyperresponsibility is disguised as a
virtue.
Please stay clear of that asmuch as possible.
When you're operating from ahigher wavelength, that's when
(13:52):
you make all of the decisions inyour life.
You can decide if you want totake up a job, if you want to
get married.
If you're already married, youcan decide if you want to stay
married or if you want to get adivorce.
You can decide if you want tohave children, if you want to
move cities.
When you're operating from ahigh set point, whatever
decision you take will be inyour favor because your mind
(14:15):
will help you organize its lifearound that vibration.
You're not going to be trying toleave the city because things
are better over there than theyare over here.
You're not going to try to useyour marriage to regulate your
nervous system.
You're not going to try andescape your singleness as though
it is a deficiency.
You're going to make thosedecisions from a very high set
(14:36):
point being anchored in yourhundred percent self worth.
In that state you will know whento speak and when to stay
silent.
You will know when the feedbackthat you're being given is an
invitation for growth, and whenit's your own insecure
projection.
You will know when toaccommodate and when to hold
your ground and what the balancebetween the two looks like.
(14:58):
You will know when you're tiredand need dressed instead of
pushing through, and notconstantly working hard to prove
your worth from a place of fearof being seen as lazy.
You will know when your body issignaling overload and it's time
to tune out.
Instead of labeling yourself asdramatic, you will honor
yourself.
(15:19):
When your SQ rises, your wholelife upgrades, and at that level
that's when your illusion ofcontrol dissolves.
You stop confusing your lovewith an attempt of management.
Because at a low consciousnessset point, control feels
necessary.
It feels like if you monitorenough, if you soften yourself
(15:41):
enough, if you were enough,explained yourself enough, maybe
your relationships will getbetter.
But it doesn't work like that.
You realize that loving someonedoes not mean editing yourself
into something more digestibleand more desirable.
It definitely does not meanpreventing their discomfort.
It also does not mean thatyou're carrying their healing
(16:03):
process on your back.
You are not their redemptionplan.
If Allah Swanla wants to healthem, he is more than capable of
doing it without you.
The high SQ gives you thecapacity to stay anchored in
what you are capable of.
It makes you discerning when youdo and don't have the capacity
to take on the other person'shealing.
(16:25):
You take responsibility for yourbehavior, your regulation, your
perception, and you allow theother person to take
responsibility for theirs.
Without upgrading your nervoussystem, you might leave one
painful relationship just tofind yourself in another one
with a different face or adifferent emotional structure,
(16:46):
but the same negativity.
True healing is changing thelevel from which you're
available for a relationship atall.
When that level rises, the lowerdynamics cannot survive.
This is also why you trying tofix another person always fails.
You cannot reason someone into ahigher operating level if they
(17:07):
choose not to come there in thefirst place.
I want to remind you guys thatthis entire Ramadan series has
been about one thing, yourconsciousness set point.
In part one we defined what thatis and how we measure it with
your SQ, the baseline from whichyou interpret life.
In part two, we explored howworship elevates the set point
(17:28):
and regulates your nervoussystem.
In part three, we examined howunhealed trauma keeps it low and
turns survival into identity.
And today we saw how thatoperating level shapes every
relationship you enter.
When your SQ rises, your worshipdeepens.
When your soulful intelligencerises, your set point elevates,
(17:52):
your relationships reorganizearound your coherence.
And that is an upgrade in yourlife that I pray for all of us
during this Ramadan.
With that I pray to AllahSubhanahu wa Ta'ala, Ya Allah,
elevate all of our operatinglevels, refine our perception,
and regulate our hearts so werespond from wisdom.
(18:12):
O Allah, heal what narrowed usand release us from the patterns
that keep us small.
Grant us all safe and peacefulrelationships.
Ya Allah, purify our enoughs andallow this Ramadan to be the
true upgrade of our innersystems.
Amin Ya Rabulal Amin.
Please keep me in your du'as.
I will talk to you guys nexttime.
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast.
Apply tools that you learn inthis podcast and your life will
be unrecognizably successful.
Now your host, Dr.
Kamal Abdar.
SPEAKER_01 (00:16):
Hello, hello, hello everyone.
Peace and blessings be upon allof you.
Today is part four of the seriesin Ramadan, where we talk about
your operating level, which iswhat determines how you relate
to life.
This operating level ismeasured.
In my program, I measure thisoperating level through an SQ
score or soulful intelligencescore.
(00:37):
The score represents thewavelength at which you live
your life.
Low set point narrows yourperception and it narrows your
relationship dynamics.
High set point expands all ofthat.
Inshallah currently we are usingthe month of Ramadan to raise
the set point.
When your internal operatingsystem upgrades, you're not able
to be controlled by others, andyou start to understand that
(00:59):
your survival through trauma wasnot evidence of your weakness.
It was itself evidence of a highset point in the moment where it
mattered the most.
Your nervous system at thatpoint made the most intelligent
decision it could.
It activated fight, flight,freeze, or fawn response in a
way that preserved you.
That was its design, and thatwas brilliant.
(01:21):
That was your body choosingsurvival when your conscious
choice was limited.
But living in perpetual traumalowers your set point.
When your survival mood becomeschronic, the very mechanism that
once protected you will begin tonarrow your life.
In that state, the brain willremain in the state of default,
(01:42):
and it will almost alwaysdefault to survival coding.
And because perception is whatshapes your experience, you will
begin to interpret life througha trauma lens.
A low set point narrowsperception, when perception
narrows, your choice narrows,and when that happens, your
relational patterns also narrow.
(02:02):
That's how the original traumagets stronger in your psyche.
So so far this has been thesummary of the previous parts of
the Ramadan series on yourconsciousness set point.
Today we're going to explore howthat shows up in your
relationship.
We talk about how your energeticwavelength is showing up in your
relationship dynamics.
(02:22):
Toxic relationships that youoften complain about are not
sustained only by behavior, thatis just a superficial layer.
They are sustained by sharedoperating levels of the people
that are in the relationship.
Two nervous systems interactingfrom similar set points will
stabilize around that level,whether it is a high or a low
(02:43):
set point.
When both people are operatingfrom survival coding, the
relationship will organizeitself around a low set point,
which is reactivity,defensiveness, control,
avoidance, a lot of emotionaldependency and enmeshment.
It may look like conflict orincompatibility by behavior, but
(03:03):
underneath it all is a differentfuel that is your shared
operating level.
Flight survival responsedefaults at an operating level
in males to become narcissisticadult patterns.
Fond survival response defaultsat an operating level in women
that become people pleasingadult patterns.
And more often than not thosetwo attract each other, which is
(03:25):
a low set point for both.
And as a disclaimer, what I'mmostly discussing in this
podcast is relationships outsideof abuse, where your safety must
be prioritized.
So please, as I always say, makesure you are in a safe
situation, then we can look tosee how most repeating
relational patterns persistbecause your internal state
(03:47):
remains unchanged.
If one partner comes from ourlens of threat and the other is
avoidant, dismissive, ordominant from their own survival
patterns, the toxic dynamic willfeed itself.
This is why simply leaving adifficult relationship without
upgrading your nervous systemreproduces the dynamic in
(04:09):
another relationship.
If the operating system remainsthe same, the relational
outcome, no matter where you go,will reorganize itself around
the low set point, meaning youwill fall back into the trap of
survival patterns of behavior.
You may change who you are with,you may change the environment,
(04:30):
even the city.
But if your set point remainslow, you will still interpret
through survival.
You will still put up withmicroaggressions, or if you have
decided that you're not going toput up with microaggressions
anymore, you will deal with themin a way that will weaken the
relationship.
You will tolerate what matchesyour internal coding, and you
(04:51):
will still react in ways thatconfirm your old narrative.
Raising your set point is whatshifts the wavelength that
you're living at.
And when that happens, youravailability also shifts.
You become less recruitable fornarcissistic abuse, for
manipulation, less available foryour own perfectionism and
(05:12):
people pleasing.
Then relationships reorganizearound your new coherence.
Either that or they fall apartbecause they can no longer stay
stable since you've given upyour old operating level.
Upgrading your internal systemis what liberates you from the
need of controlling others,which is very lucky for you
because you can't control themanyways.
(05:33):
When you change the level fromwhich you relate, the people you
relate to have the invite tochange as well.
A low SQ makes your sufferingsound like it's the more
spiritual thing to do.
It makes pain and suffering seemmore virtuous.
This pattern is especially truefor women when they're told to
be patient in difficultrelationships.
(05:55):
For Muslim women, the childhoodover attunement that might have
been the survival mechanism istold to them that it is the
religious thing to do.
But all of that is justcompliance conditioning.
What was adaptive overattunement that might have saved
your life or allowed you theconditional love of your
(06:15):
caregiver, or at the very leastkept you out of harm's way now
becomes a trap of responsibilitybecause of patriarchal
interpretations of the religion.
It is what happens when youlearn through your low SQ
survival pattern that safety canonly come from agreeing with
everyone else, that being in theperpetual state of self
(06:37):
sacrifice is the Islamic thingto do.
Low SQ makes self abandonmentfeel spiritual, and when you
begin to interpret your lifethrough this endurance as an
identity, when you prideyourself on how much you can
tolerate or you measure yourvirtue by how much discomfort
you can absorb without anyprotest, you are convincing your
(06:59):
nervous system that you are madefor a low level life.
If you are telling yourself thatyou are a wasila for a man's
healing in your life, that yoursoftness, your patience, your
regulation, your suffering willbe the conduit through which
Allah subhanahu wa ta'alareforms the man in your life, I
want to warn you that this trapis very subtle because it feels
(07:21):
noble.
I will also warn you that nomatter how noble it seems, you
cannot take responsibility forsomeone else's healing if you
are operating from a low SQ setpoint.
When your internal system is notregulated, stepping into the
role of rescuer will inevitablyreactivate your own survival
(07:42):
responses.
You will overgive, you willoverperform, you will take
responsibility for otherpeople's emotions that you think
you're trying to heal.
You will try to regulate theiremotions for them, which is not
your responsibility to beginwith.
And when all of that happens,slowly and almost invisibly your
own set point drops.
(08:04):
Rescuing someone or helpingsomeone through their own trauma
patterns requires anextraordinary internal
stability.
If your SQ is not close to 75,meaning you do not have
consistent access to pause,discernment, and boundaries, you
are not anchored in yourinternal coherence, you will
(08:26):
erase yourself in the process ofhelping somebody else, and you
will call it sacrifice, or worseyet you will call it your
spiritual duty, and you willthink this is love.
You will give it all sorts ofbeautiful names when it's none
of that, and when you feeldepleted, which you eventually
will, when you feel resentfuland confused because you don't
(08:48):
know what happened to you, it'shappening because of simple
physics of emotionalwavelengths.
If you do not have stronginternal and external resources
to keep you anchored andvibrating at high frequencies,
you have no business beingsomeone else's rescuer.
At a low consciousness setpoint, you are emotionally
(09:09):
recruitable.
It makes your nervous systemporous to other people's
dysregulation.
In that state you will confuseenmeshment and no emotional
boundaries with virtue.
That state confuses endurancewith righteousness.
A high SQ, a high consciousnessset point, on the other hand,
(09:30):
offers you support so that youcan love without losing your
boundaries.
It will let you care for otherpeople without taking on over
responsibility.
A high SQ also lets youunderstand that Allah does not
require you to heal anotheradult, especially if you're not
in a position to do so.
You're not appointed as everyoneelse's nervous system regulator.
(09:53):
They're adults, they can helpthemselves if they choose to.
Also let me remind you now whata high set point looks like.
At that state, negativity stillexists, but it does not dominate
your perception.
You can hold hardship withoutturning into a major story about
your life.
You can tolerate uncertainty andambiguity much better.
(10:16):
At this level there is spacebetween trigger and response.
Your nervous system overall isfunctioning in a regulated
phase, regulated enough thatyou're not reacting from
survival, even though you mighthave at one point.
You don't expect life to bepainless, but you also don't
interpret it as a personalpunishment.
(10:37):
And rationally this changeseverything, because in this
state you start to createboundaries from steadiness and
love.
You stand in the same room asdysfunction without becoming a
part of it.
You can be in very closeproximity to someone else's
volatility, but you don'tinternalize their projections.
Their emotional state does notbecome yours, and you are no
(11:00):
longer pulled into fragmentationjust because it exists around
you.
That is being very close to anSQ score of seventy-five, and
you have no business trying tohelp someone heal if your own
energetic wavelength is notclose to that number.
If you attempt to rescue or helpsomeone from a low set point,
(11:20):
you will reenter your verysurvival patterns that you're
trying to outgrow, and this willcost you your own stability.
All I'm asking you to do israise your SQ first, stabilize
your system first, and thenyou're welcome to help whoever
you want.
Your wish, your dua that theother person be able to live a
(11:42):
life of healing, health, andhappiness that is extremely
noble and very empathic, andthat is a huge strength.
But you have to remember thatthis empathy without a level of
containment is what gets youinto trouble.
You feel what they feel, and ifyou don't have a system set in
place that will help youdifferentiate your state from
(12:03):
their state, you will begin torely on them for your regulation
instead of being able to do itfor yourself, and the whole
operation will backfire.
Very common telltale signs ifyou're in a position to help
somebody heal is if their mooddetermines your stability, if
their withdrawal destabilizesyour sense of worth, you are not
(12:24):
in a position to help them.
And not only can you not helpthem, you're gonna end up
hurting yourself.
You are destabilizing your ownsystem that you've worked so
hard to build.
You cannot help someone whilebeing controlled by their
emotions, so stop trying to doso.
If you try to be a rescuerbecause you feel sorry for them,
(12:45):
because what will happen to themif you don't help them?
Your own low SQ will make yoususceptible to the emotional
contagion.
The most dysregulated nervoussystem in that space will set
the ceiling for your nervoussystem, and you will lower
yourself to fit under thatceiling.
High SQ is access to choice andleadership, and this is where
(13:07):
leadership does not meandominance.
It means self-governance.
It means you remain steady evenwhen someone else you are in a
close relationship is notsteady.
You can choose when to engage orwhether to engage and how to
engage, and you can choose theoutcome you want for your life.
When you are at that level of aninternal wavelength, only then
(13:31):
will I allow you to considerhelping someone.
When empathy is not anchored inboundaries, it turns into hyper
responsibility.
And in this world, hyperresponsibility is disguised as a
virtue.
Please stay clear of that asmuch as possible.
When you're operating from ahigher wavelength, that's when
(13:52):
you make all of the decisions inyour life.
You can decide if you want totake up a job, if you want to
get married.
If you're already married, youcan decide if you want to stay
married or if you want to get adivorce.
You can decide if you want tohave children, if you want to
move cities.
When you're operating from ahigh set point, whatever
decision you take will be inyour favor because your mind
(14:15):
will help you organize its lifearound that vibration.
You're not going to be trying toleave the city because things
are better over there than theyare over here.
You're not going to try to useyour marriage to regulate your
nervous system.
You're not going to try andescape your singleness as though
it is a deficiency.
You're going to make thosedecisions from a very high set
(14:36):
point being anchored in yourhundred percent self worth.
In that state you will know whento speak and when to stay
silent.
You will know when the feedbackthat you're being given is an
invitation for growth, and whenit's your own insecure
projection.
You will know when toaccommodate and when to hold
your ground and what the balancebetween the two looks like.
(14:58):
You will know when you're tiredand need dressed instead of
pushing through, and notconstantly working hard to prove
your worth from a place of fearof being seen as lazy.
You will know when your body issignaling overload and it's time
to tune out.
Instead of labeling yourself asdramatic, you will honor
yourself.
(15:19):
When your SQ rises, your wholelife upgrades, and at that level
that's when your illusion ofcontrol dissolves.
You stop confusing your lovewith an attempt of management.
Because at a low consciousnessset point, control feels
necessary.
It feels like if you monitorenough, if you soften yourself
(15:41):
enough, if you were enough,explained yourself enough, maybe
your relationships will getbetter.
But it doesn't work like that.
You realize that loving someonedoes not mean editing yourself
into something more digestibleand more desirable.
It definitely does not meanpreventing their discomfort.
It also does not mean thatyou're carrying their healing
(16:03):
process on your back.
You are not their redemptionplan.
If Allah Swanla wants to healthem, he is more than capable of
doing it without you.
The high SQ gives you thecapacity to stay anchored in
what you are capable of.
It makes you discerning when youdo and don't have the capacity
to take on the other person'shealing.
(16:25):
You take responsibility for yourbehavior, your regulation, your
perception, and you allow theother person to take
responsibility for theirs.
Without upgrading your nervoussystem, you might leave one
painful relationship just tofind yourself in another one
with a different face or adifferent emotional structure,
(16:46):
but the same negativity.
True healing is changing thelevel from which you're
available for a relationship atall.
When that level rises, the lowerdynamics cannot survive.
This is also why you trying tofix another person always fails.
You cannot reason someone into ahigher operating level if they
(17:07):
choose not to come there in thefirst place.
I want to remind you guys thatthis entire Ramadan series has
been about one thing, yourconsciousness set point.
In part one we defined what thatis and how we measure it with
your SQ, the baseline from whichyou interpret life.
In part two, we explored howworship elevates the set point
(17:28):
and regulates your nervoussystem.
In part three, we examined howunhealed trauma keeps it low and
turns survival into identity.
And today we saw how thatoperating level shapes every
relationship you enter.
When your SQ rises, your worshipdeepens.
When your soulful intelligencerises, your set point elevates,
(17:52):
your relationships reorganizearound your coherence.
And that is an upgrade in yourlife that I pray for all of us
during this Ramadan.
With that I pray to AllahSubhanahu wa Ta'ala, Ya Allah,
elevate all of our operatinglevels, refine our perception,
and regulate our hearts so werespond from wisdom.
(18:12):
O Allah, heal what narrowed usand release us from the patterns
that keep us small.
Grant us all safe and peacefulrelationships.
Ya Allah, purify our enoughs andallow this Ramadan to be the
true upgrade of our innersystems.
Amin Ya Rabulal Amin.
Please keep me in your du'as.
I will talk to you guys nexttime.
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