August 29, 2025 • 34 mins
Show Notes:
Dr. Karalynn Royster invites child psychologist Dr. Julianne Monday to explore the connection between anxious moms and anxious kids, discussing how parental regulation impacts children's emotional development. They share practical strategies for breaking generational patterns and creating emotionally safe homes while addressing the pervasive issue of mom guilt.
Key Points:
• Dr. Monday's journey from early childhood teacher to child psychologist focused on anxious moms and sensitive kids
• How parents under stress revert to patterns they experienced in their own childhoods
• The difference between mom guilt and mom shame and strategies for releasing both
• Why perfect parenting isn't the goal – repair after mistakes builds crucial resilience in children
• Importance of regulating your own nervous system through breath work and body-based strategies
• How modeling calm for your children works through mirror neurons even when they're upset
• Overview of the Wire to Connect program for anxious moms of emotionally sensitive children
Connect with Dr. Monday at the links below:
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
Welcome to the Kids First co-parenting podcast the
podcast for smart, intentional,millennial moms raising
resilient kids after separationand divorce.
I'm Dr Carolyn Royster, a childpsychologist coach and a mom.
After thousands of therapyhours with kids caught in the
middle of high conflicthouseholds, I'm here to help
(00:27):
moms like you do it differently,from peaceful co-parenting to
total chaos.
I've got you here.
We talk boundaries, regulationand how to raise a great kid,
even if your ex is beyonddifficult.
We blend science with real lifeand, as always, keep focused
where it matters, on raisinggreat kids.
This is Kids First Co-Parenting.
(00:49):
Welcome everyone back to theKids First Co-Parenting podcast.
I am very excited today I havemy dear friend and colleague, dr
Julianne Munday.
She's here with us.
Dr Monday is a licensed childpsychologist, parent coach and a
(01:09):
former early childhood teacherwith over seven years experience
helping families navigate bigemotions, meltdowns and the
messy moments of parenting.
Dr Julie is passionate aboutthe intersection of brain
science and attachment theory.
Coaching work begins with moms,helping them understand their
own anxiety, soothe their ownnervous systems and show up with
(01:31):
more calm and clarity for theirkids.
Dr Julie is a big feelingperson herself and she finds
meaning in creating the kind ofemotionally safe home.
She now understands she neededas a child.
She brings warmth, wisdom andreal-life strategies to the
table and I'm so excited to haveher on.
Speaker 2 (01:49):
Welcome, dr Julie.
Thank you, I'm so excited.
Yeah, guest appearance.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
I know Well who better to do it with than my
friend, so I'm so happy to haveyou.
Why don't you start with kindof breaking down for us?
I don't know where this passioncame from for you, why Anxious
Moms and Anxious Kids, and justwhy that?
What's so interesting andintriguing about it for you?
Speaker 2 (02:17):
Oh, I love it so much .
I think I was a teacher for awhile.
I knew I always wanted to workwith kids.
There's something about it thatalways I gravitated towards and
so I was like maybe I'll gointo education.
And then I found myself as aspecial education teacher and
general ed.
So that was a reallyinteresting experience because
(02:39):
I'd be in my classroom as aspecial ed and then I'd push in
for gen ed and do someco-teaching and you could see a
lot of the different challenges.
I became so fascinated withbehavior.
I became so fascinated withfamily systems when I'd meet the
parents and trying tounderstand what is this behavior
trying to communicate to us.
(02:59):
Then I quickly found out Idon't love teaching the ABCs,
but I do love getting to knowthe child and like what's going
on underneath, mm, hmm, and then, very quickly, you learning.
You know this too.
When you're working with kids,you're working with parents?
Yes, you are.
And so I started.
(03:21):
You know, I went to grad school.
I started training there andrealizing like the work is
really with parents.
Yes, there are so many greatskills and things we can do with
kids, but it's parents and it'sthe parent who is bringing the
child most of the time, and thatis typically mom, although I do
work with some dads.
I just felt like I needed tofigure out how to connect with
(03:47):
the moms and really support andhelp them to understand they are
so much a part of the dynamic.
Speaker 1 (03:59):
What is a?
Speaker 2 (04:00):
realistic expectation for your six-year-old kiddo and
what is actually happening whenwe're dysregulated Mom and
child.
And I love attachment because,although it doesn't feel as like
nitty-gritty science, we bothknow.
I think you come very much fromattachment lens.
I do yeah, so much a part ofthat safety that a kiddo needs.
(04:21):
I just love bridging both ofthem.
Speaker 1 (04:25):
I think you know I often forget that we both have
an education background.
All through undergrad I taughtpreschool and I just loved it.
Speaker 2 (04:35):
I didn't know that.
Speaker 1 (04:35):
Yes, yeah, yeah.
I love early childhood.
You did kindergarten right.
Weren't you a kindergartenteacher'm?
Speaker 2 (04:41):
in kindergarten, first grade, for special ed.
I also worked in autismclassrooms.
Speaker 1 (04:46):
All grown up in the school district so I would push
in and do like summer school, Ithink that work has informed,
your coaching now and your workas a child I guess either one
child psychologist or coachinghow does that impact you?
Speaker 2 (05:04):
do you think A few ways, I think, because it was so
early childhood, school was soyoung.
You realize that is the timethat kids are just soaking up
everything and a sponge ofeverything.
And then in my own personalinner child psychotherapy work I
realized personal, like innerchild psychotherapy work I
realized, oh my gosh, this timeis so important, it's so
(05:34):
important for the rest of ourlife and I don't want to.
I don't do that in a scary wayof like, oh man, get it right,
or yeah, now you've missed thewindow.
I want parents to know thatthis is a really important time.
This lays the foundation of thebrain and the development for
your child and that's whereattachment comes in.
How do I teach, how do Isupport moms recognize that
(05:56):
their safety is laying thatfoundation for their child?
Have that ability in theclassroom as much.
I didn't have the knowledgeInteresting.
Yeah, I could talk behavior alot, but I couldn't really like
sit down and get to know mom andunderstand what were her
challenges in creating thatsafety and that co-regulation
(06:18):
you know.
Speaker 1 (06:19):
Is that one of the things that it sounds to me like
you're very passionate aboutdiving deep with moms to really
understand what they, wheretheir anxieties lie and how that
impacts children, and also whatyou had just said, the
challenges around creatingemotional safety.
How do you do that?
How, how does one do that?
Like, where do you start withthat?
(06:40):
That sounds very overwhelming.
Speaker 2 (06:42):
It is a little overwhelming.
Yeah, hey, mom, please likecome in.
Let's do that, because that'swhat one barrier I felt with
therapy.
I don't know if you feel thisas much.
It's more common for us to havekiddo come into the room.
It is having meltdowns.
My kid is having tantrums.
Speaker 1 (07:01):
Help him, help her, yes, my kid is having tantrums,
help him, help her.
Yes, and not even in a fix-itway, just in like a.
I'll put their needs before myown any day of the week.
Speaker 2 (07:14):
We're just not really understanding right, because
we're looking at the behaviorrather than what is it
communicating and unrealisticexpectations.
Why is my kid having a meltdownfor 10 minutes?
That's not normal in us comingin and being well.
It is kind of this.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
Yeah, I mean depending on the circumstances,
right, but like having thatvoice that kind of calms that a
little bit.
Speaker 2 (07:36):
Yeah, yeah.
So where do I begin with that?
Just, I think, building rapportwith moms in a safe place
within our relationship, so thatthere's not judgment, because
we already work with anxiousmoms, we already work with moms
that are very hard on themselves, right, very, a lot of guilt I
think coaching allows me tobuild that relationship and
(07:58):
trust where they don't feeljudged or shame that keeps them
from attending therapy sessionsor like putting those first in
that way.
Speaker 1 (08:09):
Yeah, why do you think so many moms misunderstand
the quote?
Unquote bad behaviors.
What do you think is reallygoing on during those moments?
Speaker 2 (08:22):
Nobody teaches parents that there's no
parenting course before you havea child, right?
I think a lot of it is new andI have to remind myself that
this it's not just commonknowledge um, it isn't so I
think it's just lack of access,lack of exposure to, a lack of
information in a lot of ways,and then their own upbringing,
(08:44):
because we both know.
Once you get dysregulated, youtypically go to what you had
done for you.
Tell me more about that?
Speaker 1 (08:52):
What would be a good example of that?
Because one of the things thatI so appreciate about you, julie
, is that I think you translatebrain science into a very
digestible, easy to understandconcepts.
So this is actually like whatyou're talking about is a very
sophisticated and very complexbrain mechanism, but when it
(09:14):
happens to you as a mother, italmost feels like you're out of
control of it, I guess.
Obviously it's happened to meat times, and so I'm just
curious if you can explain forour listeners a little bit more
what you mean when you say that.
Speaker 2 (09:29):
The mom that maybe had a yeller.
Maybe their mom or dad was ayeller growing up, so anytime
they had a meltdown it'd be likego to your room and get sent
off.
Go calm down in your room.
Stop crying.
Like go to your room and getsent off.
Go calm down in your room.
Speaker 1 (09:48):
Stop crying.
Speaker 2 (09:48):
They don't want to do that for their child.
They're, like, very logicalwhen they're calm, saying I
don't want to be this for my kid, it was harmful to me, it felt
lonely, but then they findthemselves doing it.
It is having a meltdown inTarget and it's now going on 15
minutes and nothing's worked.
So mom becomes dysregulated,mom becomes overwhelmed and she
(10:10):
resorts back to what was donefor her.
She snapped yeah.
You do what you know, you dowhat you know.
That's how the brain works.
When it's dysregulated, whenit's stressed, we go to what was
done for us, usually becausewe're not in our rational mind,
and so that doesn't lead toco-regulation Big word, but
(10:30):
child borrowing mom's calm inthat moment.
That's kind of how I explainco-regulation.
Then they feel guilt.
After that snapping they say,oh my gosh, I don't want to be
this parent.
I keep losing control.
I ruined them.
I ruined them.
I'm never going to be goodenough.
Speaker 1 (10:49):
I ruined our attachment.
I hear that a lot and I'm likeit takes so much more than one,
I mean, unless it's somethingreally egregious.
But if you're thinking aboutattachment, you're definitely
not ruining it after oneoutburst.
That reminds me of finding yourclientele.
Speaker 2 (11:03):
If you come in asking if you're definitely not
ruining it after one outburst,that reminds me of finding your
clientele.
If you come in asking if you'rea narcissist, you're probably
not a narcissist, yeah exactlyyeah.
Speaker 1 (11:09):
Or like crappy parents don't ask if they're
good parents, like they don'tcare, they're not asking,
they're not up at nightwondering if they're doing right
by their kids.
They are, I don't know, doingall sorts of things, but not
that they're not finding us.
Speaker 2 (11:25):
That's for darn sure.
So the point is not to be aperfect parent.
I actually don't want you to bea perfect parent.
There's too much pressure, butthere's so much resilience and
skills that are learned throughrepair and conflict resolution
and apologizing andaccountability.
All those things are sobeautiful and that comes from an
imperfect moment.
(11:45):
It's okay to snap sometimes.
Everybody does.
Yep, let's talk about it right.
Let's understand what yourtriggers are a little bit, let's
understand.
Do you even have copingstrategies?
Do you know how to self-soothe?
Do you know how to calm youranxiety when you're feeling that
shame and target?
Yeah, and I think to your pointearlier.
Do you know how calm youranxiety when you're feeling that
shame and target?
Speaker 1 (12:05):
Yeah, and I think to your point earlier.
If you don't know your ownhistory and your own triggers,
it's hard to do it differently.
I'm curious if that's one ofthe ways that you start to teach
moms about self-regulation andwhat to do in those target
moments, those meltdowns.
Is that one of the steps?
(12:25):
What else do you add?
How do you teach?
Everybody knows I should becalm.
That's a lot easier said thandone, so what are some of the
ways that you help moms in thosemoments?
Speaker 2 (12:39):
That's one of and we'll get to my program later,
but that's one of the modules.
It's the first module in myprogram besides the brain intro.
It's like let's just figure outwhat some of your triggers are.
Is it the public meltdownsbecause you're embarrassed, or
you feel shame or you feeljudgment?
(13:00):
Is it when you'reoverstimulated because you tend
to be sensitive.
We kind of talk about thedifference of therapy and
coaching.
Sometimes we don't go superdeep into the triggers.
Speaker 1 (13:13):
Right, it's not like let's tap it out and do some
EMDR on that trauma trigger.
Yeah, it's like you just saywell, I had someone that yelled
at me when I would get upset andBecause that awareness is a big
part.
Speaker 2 (13:25):
And then I go really, really, really far into how do
you regulate your own nervoussystem?
I don't think a lot of usadults are walking around with
great toolkits because we oftendidn't learn when we were
younger.
We were just told to go calmdown in our room alone, and who
knows what we did up there.
Speaker 1 (13:44):
What I hear a lot is kind of a double whammy, I guess
, is that not seeing our parentsregulate very well?
Yeah, and so not only was I asa child struggling with my own
emotional experience, but then Iwas watching mom or dad lose
their minds.
Yeah, they weren't modeling howto handle anger.
And you know all the big, allthe big things, big things.
(15:19):
This is quite an overlapbetween our two kind of groups
of women that we work with,because I see a very similar
message around high conflict,co-parenting, where it's you
should just stay calm, justdon't react, like, don't take
the bait, and that is all reallygood advice and true, just like
you, like don't fall into thetantrum, don't like lay down on
the floor and scream with them.
(15:40):
You know, yeah, and yet it's somuch easier said than done when
you're actually out in Targetor when you're at the drop-off
and things are going reallysideways.
It is very difficult to kind ofcorrect, I guess.
Speaker 2 (15:56):
Difficult and sometimes I feel like I don't
know.
Probably you feel this withyour population and I love that
you're working with moms in thisarena right.
We overlapped a lot in Coloradowith therapy clients and high
conflict divorce.
But yeah, you're the perfectperson for it.
Truly.
Speaker 1 (16:14):
Thank you.
Thank you, my friend.
Speaker 2 (16:17):
But I often find that the advice is great but kind of
harmful too, because when theydon't live up to that standard
at least my mom's anxious, highachieving want to be good enough
, then they're like oh my gosh,I keep hearing I have to do it
this way, but I just can't.
Like I don't know how.
Speaker 1 (16:37):
It brings in this way overused phrase, but so apt
about mom guilt, because momguilt is just so pervasive and
the feminist in me gets realcaught up in how we put all
these unrealistic standards onwomen and working moms and you
have to be.
All these things that arereally, really challenging and
(16:58):
there's a lot of noise on socialmedia about seeming like a
perfect parent.
We kind of talked about thatpiece and so this is an area
where I think you really shinearound mom guilt.
Talk to me a little bit aboutwhat you see with your clients
around that and then how yousupport them in it.
It's a tough one, I know.
Tell me, tell me, julie,because I need it.
Speaker 2 (17:23):
But I think it goes back to we're not going to cure
mom guilt.
No.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
We would both be doing living very different
lives if we knew how to do that.
Speaker 2 (17:33):
Yeah, I know.
So calling that out too, thisis normal as well.
In the same way, it's normal tosnap sometimes we have to
practice letting it go, becausethat is a 10-pound backpack
you're carrying every moment,every day, and that's making it
even harder for you to stay calmin those moments.
(17:55):
So we call it out first.
We call it out, we look at it alittle bit in the same way.
We look at triggers.
What is the thing that makesyou feel so guilty?
What is that internal dialoguethat is so pervasive?
And then strategies, and it's apractice Like how do I do some
mantras to calm my mind whenit's spiraling, about how
(18:17):
horrible of a parent I am,because I snapped for the fourth
time today, and how do weacknowledge it?
But let it go?
Speaker 1 (18:25):
So a lot of just acceptance and commitment we
talk about the differencebetween shame and guilt, and I
think when we're talking aboutmom guilt, we're actually
talking about, like mom's shameand we sort of shame ourselves.
I snapped I'm a terrible mother, right?
Not like guilt is I didsomething wrong and or not good,
(18:47):
however you want to say it, andthere's something I can do
about it.
I yelled, I can repair.
Shame is like I yelled.
Therefore I'm a terrible mother, and those are some sticky,
sticky differences.
Speaker 2 (19:02):
Yeah, and it's so different.
It actually makes me think alittle bit more of how it's
necessary to talk about both ofthose, because maybe it's more
mom shame that we're talkingabout.
I hear a lot of mom shame.
Speaker 1 (19:14):
I think you're right, because when people are talking
about mom guilt, it's often momshame, because it's not usually
something they can actually doanything about.
No, but it's more, it's sointernal.
Speaker 2 (19:29):
It's internal and it's similar to how I talk a lot
about what's a realisticexpectation for your kiddo.
It's almost a parallel process,right?
It's experience of like we'reputting unrealistic expectations
on our five-year-old and we'reputting unrealistic expectations
on ourselves.
Speaker 1 (19:47):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (19:49):
What is an appropriate expectation for you
to target to support your kiddo,Because yours is like out of
this world gold star right Likeit's unrealistic.
Speaker 1 (20:03):
Yeah, do you find that when you're able to coach
clients and kind of talk andwalk along beside them as they
sort through some of this stuffthat they have?
I don't know if I want to sayan easier time, but it helps
them to let go of some of thatguilt a?
Speaker 2 (20:18):
little bit.
Yeah, definitely yeah.
My moms tend to love mantrawork.
I love a good mantra, yeah, so Ifind that that really resonates
with a lot of moms too, andkind of soothing themselves
before bed.
Mom guilt, mom shame tends tolike really creep in at night,
(20:41):
right, why do you think that isBecause you're reflecting on the
day.
There's suddenly space.
As we know, anxiety loves somespace.
Your kids are in bed, you'relaying in bed, you're trying to
fall asleep.
All those thoughts kind of comein.
Really, we even pinpoint whenis those guilt spirals coming
(21:03):
and what do we do?
How do we build a routine foryou or a strategy or a plan to
soothe yourself in that?
Yeah, so I've said that's beenvery, very helpful to identify.
Speaker 1 (21:16):
And I think having your trusted voice right.
It's not just some random poston Instagram.
It's like a teacher, apsychologist, like someone who
does this for a living is sayingto you like no, that's, you
know, that happens, that'spretty normal, or it must feel
so reassuring.
That's my take on one of thethings you offer.
Speaker 2 (21:40):
And I think for the first, sometimes for the first
time they're able to share aboutit and not just have it inside.
Speaker 1 (21:48):
Yeah, just spiral.
It just banging around up there.
Speaker 2 (21:51):
And I imagine that's so relevant for your population
too Like, oh, I can actuallytalk about this a little bit and
not have it just swirlinternally constantly.
That also leads to shame, rightyeah.
Speaker 1 (22:06):
I mean, last time, you and I had a conversation,
which is on YouTube, by the way,if you all want to see it,
there's some fun parts where Idrop the camera.
There's all kinds of good stuffhow you might have handled
(22:32):
things or not handled thingswell but also around these
decisions that parents have tomake, whether it's marriage and
relationships or schools orfinancial stuff or working or
not working that moms just shamethemselves for.
If I hadn't asked for thisdivorce, we wouldn't be in this
situation.
This kind of narrative that itdoes help to have an outside
person.
That's like yeah, but it mightbe a whole lot worse, you know,
(22:57):
if you had done it that way.
Or like, yeah, of course youhave to feed your family, you
have to work.
Speaker 2 (23:03):
How do you tackle that shame, guilt, because I
imagine that's so big, I knowthat's so big in your population
because it's a choice, right.
Speaker 1 (23:14):
A lot of time feelsructuring in a fancy way of
saying it, but that likethere's no good or bad choice
out, better on the other sidesometimes, or at least having
(23:53):
evolved through their healingand through themselves, and so I
just try to release it withchanging the way people think
about the choices they make.
In some ways it's easier whenit was like a really bad
relationship, because then it'slike, well, yeah, girl, you had
to get out, like what were yougoing to do?
Stay there and continue to beemotionally abused Like duh,
(24:15):
that's not good for your kid tosee.
So that's easier, I think,sometimes than when it's like we
just fell out of love or wejust grew apart or I just knew I
wanted something different inmy life.
That I think it's much morecomplicated and more sticky, and
often it's a therapyconversation, to be quite honest
(25:01):
, which is done outside ofcoaching.
Speaker 2 (25:03):
Right, yeah, because it's not as jarring, it's not as
like.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (25:08):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was going to say that one ofthe resources that you offer
that we will link in our shownotes is about mom guilt.
Can you tell us a little bitabout that guide?
Speaker 2 (25:20):
Yes, it's the first one I created because I just
felt like, yes, this iseverywhere.
Yes, and they're like I wantstrategies to help calm my kid
down and I have one of those fora freebie, but I was like we
can't even get to that partuntil we address mom guilt.
A lot, yes, yes, becausethere's tons of strategies out
(25:43):
there, but I just kept feelinglike we're not, you're not even
able to implement it yet becauseyou're dysregulated in the
moment.
That shame guilt.
Three strategies on how torelease that mom guilt and again
, not a cure, but it's apractice right.
Speaker 1 (26:02):
It's something to get you started on this journey.
Speaker 2 (26:05):
It's something to get you a little bit more
comfortable looking at guilt,observing it, and then a little
bit I do some cognitive, but Ilike to do the body too.
I believe so much in body workof like.
Let's regulate the nervoussystem through body strategy.
Speaker 1 (26:23):
When you say body work, are you talking about
breath work and movement?
Tell me what you mean by that.
Speaker 2 (26:32):
I do a lot of breath work.
I don't think you can bypasshow good.
I really can't yeah, Breathingis you know, people roll their
eyes at us and we're like maybewe should breathe.
Speaker 1 (26:42):
Yeah, it's a, it's a, it's a trope, because it works.
That's why everybody's talkingabout breathing.
It's effective.
Speaker 2 (26:50):
Yeah, I do some visualization.
I do love a good likeparasympathetic.
I know this is jargony, butvagus nerve, I don't know.
I've just gotten so into.
How do I relax my body and mymind will follow the same way.
How do I relax my mind and mybody will follow.
I think there's such beauty inlike let's just tackle the body
(27:14):
work and the mind will followGreat entry point.
Speaker 1 (27:17):
You teach moms a lot around how to do both those
things and they kind of willcome hand in hand.
Speaker 2 (27:23):
Yes.
And then out of that flowsregulation to your kid and your
modeling right and I talk aboutwhy modeling modeling so
important with the brain andmirror neurons.
So I really I don't know.
I'm just so passionate and Ilove so much how my program and
how I kind of conceptualizebridges both of those.
Yes, don't know how you talkabout the strategies and you're
(27:47):
calm, without sort of letting oh, this is how the brain works,
like your kid doesn't have toeven do the deep breathing If he
sees you doing the deepbreathing.
Yeah, Magic.
Speaker 1 (27:58):
That's a great segue for us.
Dr Monday Like, tell me alittle bit about the program.
It's called Wire to Connectright and I'm dying to hear
about it.
Tell me about it.
Speaker 2 (28:09):
Wire to Connect.
So it's a four month, althoughwhen I launch it I'll have a
beta group and there's a coupleadditionals for being a part of
the beta group.
So four months.
We learn a lot about the brain,but in a digestible way.
We learn a lot about strategiesof self-soothing for mom and
(28:29):
for kiddo, right.
So I do a very adult module sothat they can build their
toolkits, and then I do the kidversion that they can begin
teaching their little ones howto regulate.
And then tons of strategiestalking about why transitions
are stressful, what doespredictability feel like, the
(28:51):
importance of safety and justvalidating.
So a little bit of that, a lotmore about the brain.
Is there a?
Speaker 1 (28:59):
group coaching involved or access to you?
Yes, okay, tell me about thatpart.
Speaker 2 (29:05):
Once a week, group calls Amazing.
And then again for that betagroup I'm offering one-on-one
too.
I do two 30-minute one-on-onewith me where we can get nitty
gritty, although you probably Idon't even think it's needed a
lot of times because the groupcalls are so powerful, that's
(29:25):
what I have found, too, isthere's something so powerful
about a group of women mothersjoining together and talking
through whatever is happening.
Speaker 1 (29:35):
I think that's what my group members love the most.
Yeah, honestly.
Speaker 2 (29:40):
Yeah, and with that I have a VIP Facebook group.
I have a free Facebook groupwhich we'll link to, because I
do a ton of Facebook Lives.
I offer so many things each daylike mantras, toolbox, kit,
stuff.
So we're a lot of goodies inthat freebie or the free group.
But my VIP group will be alittle bit different, right,
(30:03):
we'll have like a very muchsmaller community and where we
can dialogue a little bit deeperthroughout the week.
Speaker 1 (30:09):
Yeah, what an amazing value that would like, when my
kids were young, to be able tohave a place where I could just
be like I don't know what to dohere, where you could put it in
and have like a coach tell youthis is what I think you needed
to do.
What would have helped your kidin the moment or this is
(30:29):
totally normal, carolyn?
What would have helped your kidin the moment or this is
totally normal, carolyn Calmdown Would be just so valuable.
Speaker 2 (30:34):
And again.
Speaker 1 (30:35):
We will link that private Facebook group, we'll
link the program as well, andthen that guide that we were
talking about, the mom guiltguide.
I am certain my listeners aregoing to want to gobble that up
as well.
Who is your group really for?
Who would be a good fit?
Because I imagine me being likeyour hype woman.
I'm like everybody should be inthis.
(30:55):
But I also know that you havesort of this like sweet spot
that's really value driven foryou around, what kind of moms
you love working with.
So tell me who would be a goodfit.
Speaker 2 (31:09):
I think a good fit would be anxious moms, but
they're very growth-minded,they're dedicated to growing.
I'm kind of putting it 5 to12-year-olds, although I'm not
concrete on if a 4-year-old momwants to come in.
Speaker 1 (31:22):
Right, right.
Or if you have multiple kiddos,if you have a 3-year-old and an
8-year-old, it would be fine,totally fine.
Speaker 2 (31:32):
So anxious moms of 5 to 12-year-old, it would be fine
, totally fine.
So anxious moms of five to12-year-old kids who, their kids
, are typically big, feelingsensitive little ones and
they're just ready to ditch themom guilt, improve their
confidence and reduce themeltdowns so that they can have
a stronger connection with theirkiddo.
Speaker 1 (31:48):
Yeah, and I'm assuming by meltdowns you mean
some of these big feelings liketantrums, screaming, crying,
that kind of stuff.
But I can also see this beinguseful for the kids that have
more internalized meltdownscrying, shutting down,
retreating a little bit Is thatthe case, Okay, and you think
that I mean.
Speaker 2 (32:09):
as you know, it manifests differently depending.
Speaker 1 (32:12):
Yeah, yeah, that's what I was thinking.
Speaker 2 (32:14):
We talk a lot about big feeling, sensitivity, and
not in a bad way.
It's a beautiful thing, but Ithink it's a beautiful thing.
Speaker 1 (32:21):
I mean, look at you.
You're a testament to that.
You're a deeply feeling personand it's like your superpower,
you know.
Speaker 2 (32:28):
I love it.
I love these kiddos that justfeel.
Speaker 1 (32:31):
they feel you know I love it.
I love these kiddos that justfeel they feel Well.
That's why you're so uniquelypositioned to be doing the work
you're doing is because you'veseen it in multiple facets.
You're obviously you're highly,highly trained.
Who better than a childpsychologist?
Right?
And you have this like personalexperience as well.
I loved in your bio and yousaid I just want to be the
(32:52):
person I needed, and that'sexactly my ethos as well.
Speaker 2 (32:56):
Isn't that interesting that we gravitate
towards like almost leaving ourinner child?
Still with our passion lies, orwhy we're so deeply attached to
our populations and our programand our coaching.
Yeah, it's interesting and it'sbeautiful.
I'm proud of us.
Speaker 1 (33:14):
I'm proud of us, so I can.
All right, my dear friend Again, everybody, I will link all
those great resources for you.
We'll also link all the socialprofiles where you can find Dr
Monday.
If you're struggling to connectwith her and you want to, you
can also reach out to me and Ican put you in touch with her as
well.
So thank you so much forlistening and we'll see you on
(33:36):
the next episode.
Thanks so much for listening tothis episode of Kids First
Co-Parenting.
The best way you can supportthe show is by following, rating
and reviewing wherever youlisten to podcasts and by
sharing it with another mom whocould use the support.
You can also connect with me onInstagram and Facebook at Learn
(33:57):
With Little House, where Ishare daily tips and
encouragement for moms raisingkids through high conflict,
divorce.
And if you're ready to go deepand get more tools, scripts,
personalized support andcoaching, come join us inside
the Kids First co-parentingcommunity.
You'll find the details atlearnwithlittlehousecom.
Until next time, remember yourkids don't need you to be
(34:19):
perfect.
They just need you to be steadyand grounded and, as always, to
put them first.
Thanks for being here.
Welcome to the Kids First co-parenting podcast the
podcast for smart, intentional,millennial moms raising
resilient kids after separationand divorce.
I'm Dr Carolyn Royster, a childpsychologist coach and a mom.
After thousands of therapyhours with kids caught in the
middle of high conflicthouseholds, I'm here to help
(00:27):
moms like you do it differently,from peaceful co-parenting to
total chaos.
I've got you here.
We talk boundaries, regulationand how to raise a great kid,
even if your ex is beyonddifficult.
We blend science with real lifeand, as always, keep focused
where it matters, on raisinggreat kids.
This is Kids First Co-Parenting.
(00:49):
Welcome everyone back to theKids First Co-Parenting podcast.
I am very excited today I havemy dear friend and colleague, dr
Julianne Munday.
She's here with us.
Dr Monday is a licensed childpsychologist, parent coach and a
(01:09):
former early childhood teacherwith over seven years experience
helping families navigate bigemotions, meltdowns and the
messy moments of parenting.
Dr Julie is passionate aboutthe intersection of brain
science and attachment theory.
Coaching work begins with moms,helping them understand their
own anxiety, soothe their ownnervous systems and show up with
(01:31):
more calm and clarity for theirkids.
Dr Julie is a big feelingperson herself and she finds
meaning in creating the kind ofemotionally safe home.
She now understands she neededas a child.
She brings warmth, wisdom andreal-life strategies to the
table and I'm so excited to haveher on.
Speaker 2 (01:49):
Welcome, dr Julie.
Thank you, I'm so excited.
Yeah, guest appearance.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
I know Well who better to do it with than my
friend, so I'm so happy to haveyou.
Why don't you start with kindof breaking down for us?
I don't know where this passioncame from for you, why Anxious
Moms and Anxious Kids, and justwhy that?
What's so interesting andintriguing about it for you?
Speaker 2 (02:17):
Oh, I love it so much .
I think I was a teacher for awhile.
I knew I always wanted to workwith kids.
There's something about it thatalways I gravitated towards and
so I was like maybe I'll gointo education.
And then I found myself as aspecial education teacher and
general ed.
So that was a reallyinteresting experience because
(02:39):
I'd be in my classroom as aspecial ed and then I'd push in
for gen ed and do someco-teaching and you could see a
lot of the different challenges.
I became so fascinated withbehavior.
I became so fascinated withfamily systems when I'd meet the
parents and trying tounderstand what is this behavior
trying to communicate to us.
(02:59):
Then I quickly found out Idon't love teaching the ABCs,
but I do love getting to knowthe child and like what's going
on underneath, mm, hmm, and then, very quickly, you learning.
You know this too.
When you're working with kids,you're working with parents?
Yes, you are.
And so I started.
(03:21):
You know, I went to grad school.
I started training there andrealizing like the work is
really with parents.
Yes, there are so many greatskills and things we can do with
kids, but it's parents and it'sthe parent who is bringing the
child most of the time, and thatis typically mom, although I do
work with some dads.
I just felt like I needed tofigure out how to connect with
(03:47):
the moms and really support andhelp them to understand they are
so much a part of the dynamic.
Speaker 1 (03:59):
What is a?
Speaker 2 (04:00):
realistic expectation for your six-year-old kiddo and
what is actually happening whenwe're dysregulated Mom and
child.
And I love attachment because,although it doesn't feel as like
nitty-gritty science, we bothknow.
I think you come very much fromattachment lens.
I do yeah, so much a part ofthat safety that a kiddo needs.
(04:21):
I just love bridging both ofthem.
Speaker 1 (04:25):
I think you know I often forget that we both have
an education background.
All through undergrad I taughtpreschool and I just loved it.
Speaker 2 (04:35):
I didn't know that.
Speaker 1 (04:35):
Yes, yeah, yeah.
I love early childhood.
You did kindergarten right.
Weren't you a kindergartenteacher'm?
Speaker 2 (04:41):
in kindergarten, first grade, for special ed.
I also worked in autismclassrooms.
Speaker 1 (04:46):
All grown up in the school district so I would push
in and do like summer school, Ithink that work has informed,
your coaching now and your workas a child I guess either one
child psychologist or coachinghow does that impact you?
Speaker 2 (05:04):
do you think A few ways, I think, because it was so
early childhood, school was soyoung.
You realize that is the timethat kids are just soaking up
everything and a sponge ofeverything.
And then in my own personalinner child psychotherapy work I
realized personal, like innerchild psychotherapy work I
realized, oh my gosh, this timeis so important, it's so
(05:34):
important for the rest of ourlife and I don't want to.
I don't do that in a scary wayof like, oh man, get it right,
or yeah, now you've missed thewindow.
I want parents to know thatthis is a really important time.
This lays the foundation of thebrain and the development for
your child and that's whereattachment comes in.
How do I teach, how do Isupport moms recognize that
(05:56):
their safety is laying thatfoundation for their child?
Have that ability in theclassroom as much.
I didn't have the knowledgeInteresting.
Yeah, I could talk behavior alot, but I couldn't really like
sit down and get to know mom andunderstand what were her
challenges in creating thatsafety and that co-regulation
(06:18):
you know.
Speaker 1 (06:19):
Is that one of the things that it sounds to me like
you're very passionate aboutdiving deep with moms to really
understand what they, wheretheir anxieties lie and how that
impacts children, and also whatyou had just said, the
challenges around creatingemotional safety.
How do you do that?
How, how does one do that?
Like, where do you start withthat?
(06:40):
That sounds very overwhelming.
Speaker 2 (06:42):
It is a little overwhelming.
Yeah, hey, mom, please likecome in.
Let's do that, because that'swhat one barrier I felt with
therapy.
I don't know if you feel thisas much.
It's more common for us to havekiddo come into the room.
It is having meltdowns.
My kid is having tantrums.
Speaker 1 (07:01):
Help him, help her, yes, my kid is having tantrums,
help him, help her.
Yes, and not even in a fix-itway, just in like a.
I'll put their needs before myown any day of the week.
Speaker 2 (07:14):
We're just not really understanding right, because
we're looking at the behaviorrather than what is it
communicating and unrealisticexpectations.
Why is my kid having a meltdownfor 10 minutes?
That's not normal in us comingin and being well.
It is kind of this.
Speaker 1 (07:30):
Yeah, I mean depending on the circumstances,
right, but like having thatvoice that kind of calms that a
little bit.
Speaker 2 (07:36):
Yeah, yeah.
So where do I begin with that?
Just, I think, building rapportwith moms in a safe place
within our relationship, so thatthere's not judgment, because
we already work with anxiousmoms, we already work with moms
that are very hard on themselves, right, very, a lot of guilt I
think coaching allows me tobuild that relationship and
(07:58):
trust where they don't feeljudged or shame that keeps them
from attending therapy sessionsor like putting those first in
that way.
Speaker 1 (08:09):
Yeah, why do you think so many moms misunderstand
the quote?
Unquote bad behaviors.
What do you think is reallygoing on during those moments?
Speaker 2 (08:22):
Nobody teaches parents that there's no
parenting course before you havea child, right?
I think a lot of it is new andI have to remind myself that
this it's not just commonknowledge um, it isn't so I
think it's just lack of access,lack of exposure to, a lack of
information in a lot of ways,and then their own upbringing,
(08:44):
because we both know.
Once you get dysregulated, youtypically go to what you had
done for you.
Tell me more about that?
Speaker 1 (08:52):
What would be a good example of that?
Because one of the things thatI so appreciate about you, julie
, is that I think you translatebrain science into a very
digestible, easy to understandconcepts.
So this is actually like whatyou're talking about is a very
sophisticated and very complexbrain mechanism, but when it
(09:14):
happens to you as a mother, italmost feels like you're out of
control of it, I guess.
Obviously it's happened to meat times, and so I'm just
curious if you can explain forour listeners a little bit more
what you mean when you say that.
Speaker 2 (09:29):
The mom that maybe had a yeller.
Maybe their mom or dad was ayeller growing up, so anytime
they had a meltdown it'd be likego to your room and get sent
off.
Go calm down in your room.
Stop crying.
Like go to your room and getsent off.
Go calm down in your room.
Speaker 1 (09:48):
Stop crying.
Speaker 2 (09:48):
They don't want to do that for their child.
They're, like, very logicalwhen they're calm, saying I
don't want to be this for my kid, it was harmful to me, it felt
lonely, but then they findthemselves doing it.
It is having a meltdown inTarget and it's now going on 15
minutes and nothing's worked.
So mom becomes dysregulated,mom becomes overwhelmed and she
(10:10):
resorts back to what was donefor her.
She snapped yeah.
You do what you know, you dowhat you know.
That's how the brain works.
When it's dysregulated, whenit's stressed, we go to what was
done for us, usually becausewe're not in our rational mind,
and so that doesn't lead toco-regulation Big word, but
(10:30):
child borrowing mom's calm inthat moment.
That's kind of how I explainco-regulation.
Then they feel guilt.
After that snapping they say,oh my gosh, I don't want to be
this parent.
I keep losing control.
I ruined them.
I ruined them.
I'm never going to be goodenough.
Speaker 1 (10:49):
I ruined our attachment.
I hear that a lot and I'm likeit takes so much more than one,
I mean, unless it's somethingreally egregious.
But if you're thinking aboutattachment, you're definitely
not ruining it after oneoutburst.
That reminds me of finding yourclientele.
Speaker 2 (11:03):
If you come in asking if you're definitely not
ruining it after one outburst,that reminds me of finding your
clientele.
If you come in asking if you'rea narcissist, you're probably
not a narcissist, yeah exactlyyeah.
Speaker 1 (11:09):
Or like crappy parents don't ask if they're
good parents, like they don'tcare, they're not asking,
they're not up at nightwondering if they're doing right
by their kids.
They are, I don't know, doingall sorts of things, but not
that they're not finding us.
Speaker 2 (11:25):
That's for darn sure.
So the point is not to be aperfect parent.
I actually don't want you to bea perfect parent.
There's too much pressure, butthere's so much resilience and
skills that are learned throughrepair and conflict resolution
and apologizing andaccountability.
All those things are sobeautiful and that comes from an
imperfect moment.
(11:45):
It's okay to snap sometimes.
Everybody does.
Yep, let's talk about it right.
Let's understand what yourtriggers are a little bit, let's
understand.
Do you even have copingstrategies?
Do you know how to self-soothe?
Do you know how to calm youranxiety when you're feeling that
shame and target?
Yeah, and I think to your pointearlier.
Do you know how calm youranxiety when you're feeling that
shame and target?
Speaker 1 (12:05):
Yeah, and I think to your point earlier.
If you don't know your ownhistory and your own triggers,
it's hard to do it differently.
I'm curious if that's one ofthe ways that you start to teach
moms about self-regulation andwhat to do in those target
moments, those meltdowns.
Is that one of the steps?
(12:25):
What else do you add?
How do you teach?
Everybody knows I should becalm.
That's a lot easier said thandone, so what are some of the
ways that you help moms in thosemoments?
Speaker 2 (12:39):
That's one of and we'll get to my program later,
but that's one of the modules.
It's the first module in myprogram besides the brain intro.
It's like let's just figure outwhat some of your triggers are.
Is it the public meltdownsbecause you're embarrassed, or
you feel shame or you feeljudgment?
(13:00):
Is it when you'reoverstimulated because you tend
to be sensitive.
We kind of talk about thedifference of therapy and
coaching.
Sometimes we don't go superdeep into the triggers.
Speaker 1 (13:13):
Right, it's not like let's tap it out and do some
EMDR on that trauma trigger.
Yeah, it's like you just saywell, I had someone that yelled
at me when I would get upset andBecause that awareness is a big
part.
Speaker 2 (13:25):
And then I go really, really, really far into how do
you regulate your own nervoussystem?
I don't think a lot of usadults are walking around with
great toolkits because we oftendidn't learn when we were
younger.
We were just told to go calmdown in our room alone, and who
knows what we did up there.
Speaker 1 (13:44):
What I hear a lot is kind of a double whammy, I guess
, is that not seeing our parentsregulate very well?
Yeah, and so not only was I asa child struggling with my own
emotional experience, but then Iwas watching mom or dad lose
their minds.
Yeah, they weren't modeling howto handle anger.
And you know all the big, allthe big things, big things.
(15:19):
This is quite an overlapbetween our two kind of groups
of women that we work with,because I see a very similar
message around high conflict,co-parenting, where it's you
should just stay calm, justdon't react, like, don't take
the bait, and that is all reallygood advice and true, just like
you, like don't fall into thetantrum, don't like lay down on
the floor and scream with them.
(15:40):
You know, yeah, and yet it's somuch easier said than done when
you're actually out in Targetor when you're at the drop-off
and things are going reallysideways.
It is very difficult to kind ofcorrect, I guess.
Speaker 2 (15:56):
Difficult and sometimes I feel like I don't
know.
Probably you feel this withyour population and I love that
you're working with moms in thisarena right.
We overlapped a lot in Coloradowith therapy clients and high
conflict divorce.
But yeah, you're the perfectperson for it.
Truly.
Speaker 1 (16:14):
Thank you.
Thank you, my friend.
Speaker 2 (16:17):
But I often find that the advice is great but kind of
harmful too, because when theydon't live up to that standard
at least my mom's anxious, highachieving want to be good enough
, then they're like oh my gosh,I keep hearing I have to do it
this way, but I just can't.
Like I don't know how.
Speaker 1 (16:37):
It brings in this way overused phrase, but so apt
about mom guilt, because momguilt is just so pervasive and
the feminist in me gets realcaught up in how we put all
these unrealistic standards onwomen and working moms and you
have to be.
All these things that arereally, really challenging and
(16:58):
there's a lot of noise on socialmedia about seeming like a
perfect parent.
We kind of talked about thatpiece and so this is an area
where I think you really shinearound mom guilt.
Talk to me a little bit aboutwhat you see with your clients
around that and then how yousupport them in it.
It's a tough one, I know.
Tell me, tell me, julie,because I need it.
Speaker 2 (17:23):
But I think it goes back to we're not going to cure
mom guilt.
No.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
We would both be doing living very different
lives if we knew how to do that.
Speaker 2 (17:33):
Yeah, I know.
So calling that out too, thisis normal as well.
In the same way, it's normal tosnap sometimes we have to
practice letting it go, becausethat is a 10-pound backpack
you're carrying every moment,every day, and that's making it
even harder for you to stay calmin those moments.
(17:55):
So we call it out first.
We call it out, we look at it alittle bit in the same way.
We look at triggers.
What is the thing that makesyou feel so guilty?
What is that internal dialoguethat is so pervasive?
And then strategies, and it's apractice Like how do I do some
mantras to calm my mind whenit's spiraling, about how
(18:17):
horrible of a parent I am,because I snapped for the fourth
time today, and how do weacknowledge it?
But let it go?
Speaker 1 (18:25):
So a lot of just acceptance and commitment we
talk about the differencebetween shame and guilt, and I
think when we're talking aboutmom guilt, we're actually
talking about, like mom's shameand we sort of shame ourselves.
I snapped I'm a terrible mother, right?
Not like guilt is I didsomething wrong and or not good,
(18:47):
however you want to say it, andthere's something I can do
about it.
I yelled, I can repair.
Shame is like I yelled.
Therefore I'm a terrible mother, and those are some sticky,
sticky differences.
Speaker 2 (19:02):
Yeah, and it's so different.
It actually makes me think alittle bit more of how it's
necessary to talk about both ofthose, because maybe it's more
mom shame that we're talkingabout.
I hear a lot of mom shame.
Speaker 1 (19:14):
I think you're right, because when people are talking
about mom guilt, it's often momshame, because it's not usually
something they can actually doanything about.
No, but it's more, it's sointernal.
Speaker 2 (19:29):
It's internal and it's similar to how I talk a lot
about what's a realisticexpectation for your kiddo.
It's almost a parallel process,right?
It's experience of like we'reputting unrealistic expectations
on our five-year-old and we'reputting unrealistic expectations
on ourselves.
Speaker 1 (19:47):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (19:49):
What is an appropriate expectation for you
to target to support your kiddo,Because yours is like out of
this world gold star right Likeit's unrealistic.
Speaker 1 (20:03):
Yeah, do you find that when you're able to coach
clients and kind of talk andwalk along beside them as they
sort through some of this stuffthat they have?
I don't know if I want to sayan easier time, but it helps
them to let go of some of thatguilt a?
Speaker 2 (20:18):
little bit.
Yeah, definitely yeah.
My moms tend to love mantrawork.
I love a good mantra, yeah, so Ifind that that really resonates
with a lot of moms too, andkind of soothing themselves
before bed.
Mom guilt, mom shame tends tolike really creep in at night,
(20:41):
right, why do you think that isBecause you're reflecting on the
day.
There's suddenly space.
As we know, anxiety loves somespace.
Your kids are in bed, you'relaying in bed, you're trying to
fall asleep.
All those thoughts kind of comein.
Really, we even pinpoint whenis those guilt spirals coming
(21:03):
and what do we do?
How do we build a routine foryou or a strategy or a plan to
soothe yourself in that?
Yeah, so I've said that's beenvery, very helpful to identify.
Speaker 1 (21:16):
And I think having your trusted voice right.
It's not just some random poston Instagram.
It's like a teacher, apsychologist, like someone who
does this for a living is sayingto you like no, that's, you
know, that happens, that'spretty normal, or it must feel
so reassuring.
That's my take on one of thethings you offer.
Speaker 2 (21:40):
And I think for the first, sometimes for the first
time they're able to share aboutit and not just have it inside.
Speaker 1 (21:48):
Yeah, just spiral.
It just banging around up there.
Speaker 2 (21:51):
And I imagine that's so relevant for your population
too Like, oh, I can actuallytalk about this a little bit and
not have it just swirlinternally constantly.
That also leads to shame, rightyeah.
Speaker 1 (22:06):
I mean, last time, you and I had a conversation,
which is on YouTube, by the way,if you all want to see it,
there's some fun parts where Idrop the camera.
There's all kinds of good stuffhow you might have handled
(22:32):
things or not handled thingswell but also around these
decisions that parents have tomake, whether it's marriage and
relationships or schools orfinancial stuff or working or
not working that moms just shamethemselves for.
If I hadn't asked for thisdivorce, we wouldn't be in this
situation.
This kind of narrative that itdoes help to have an outside
person.
That's like yeah, but it mightbe a whole lot worse, you know,
(22:57):
if you had done it that way.
Or like, yeah, of course youhave to feed your family, you
have to work.
Speaker 2 (23:03):
How do you tackle that shame, guilt, because I
imagine that's so big, I knowthat's so big in your population
because it's a choice, right.
Speaker 1 (23:14):
A lot of time feelsructuring in a fancy way of
saying it, but that likethere's no good or bad choice
out, better on the other sidesometimes, or at least having
(23:53):
evolved through their healingand through themselves, and so I
just try to release it withchanging the way people think
about the choices they make.
In some ways it's easier whenit was like a really bad
relationship, because then it'slike, well, yeah, girl, you had
to get out, like what were yougoing to do?
Stay there and continue to beemotionally abused Like duh,
(24:15):
that's not good for your kid tosee.
So that's easier, I think,sometimes than when it's like we
just fell out of love or wejust grew apart or I just knew I
wanted something different inmy life.
That I think it's much morecomplicated and more sticky, and
often it's a therapyconversation, to be quite honest
(25:01):
, which is done outside ofcoaching.
Speaker 2 (25:03):
Right, yeah, because it's not as jarring, it's not as
like.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (25:08):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was going to say that one ofthe resources that you offer
that we will link in our shownotes is about mom guilt.
Can you tell us a little bitabout that guide?
Speaker 2 (25:20):
Yes, it's the first one I created because I just
felt like, yes, this iseverywhere.
Yes, and they're like I wantstrategies to help calm my kid
down and I have one of those fora freebie, but I was like we
can't even get to that partuntil we address mom guilt.
A lot, yes, yes, becausethere's tons of strategies out
(25:43):
there, but I just kept feelinglike we're not, you're not even
able to implement it yet becauseyou're dysregulated in the
moment.
That shame guilt.
Three strategies on how torelease that mom guilt and again
, not a cure, but it's apractice right.
Speaker 1 (26:02):
It's something to get you started on this journey.
Speaker 2 (26:05):
It's something to get you a little bit more
comfortable looking at guilt,observing it, and then a little
bit I do some cognitive, but Ilike to do the body too.
I believe so much in body workof like.
Let's regulate the nervoussystem through body strategy.
Speaker 1 (26:23):
When you say body work, are you talking about
breath work and movement?
Tell me what you mean by that.
Speaker 2 (26:32):
I do a lot of breath work.
I don't think you can bypasshow good.
I really can't yeah, Breathingis you know, people roll their
eyes at us and we're like maybewe should breathe.
Speaker 1 (26:42):
Yeah, it's a, it's a, it's a trope, because it works.
That's why everybody's talkingabout breathing.
It's effective.
Speaker 2 (26:50):
Yeah, I do some visualization.
I do love a good likeparasympathetic.
I know this is jargony, butvagus nerve, I don't know.
I've just gotten so into.
How do I relax my body and mymind will follow the same way.
How do I relax my mind and mybody will follow.
I think there's such beauty inlike let's just tackle the body
(27:14):
work and the mind will followGreat entry point.
Speaker 1 (27:17):
You teach moms a lot around how to do both those
things and they kind of willcome hand in hand.
Speaker 2 (27:23):
Yes.
And then out of that flowsregulation to your kid and your
modeling right and I talk aboutwhy modeling modeling so
important with the brain andmirror neurons.
So I really I don't know.
I'm just so passionate and Ilove so much how my program and
how I kind of conceptualizebridges both of those.
Yes, don't know how you talkabout the strategies and you're
(27:47):
calm, without sort of letting oh, this is how the brain works,
like your kid doesn't have toeven do the deep breathing If he
sees you doing the deepbreathing.
Yeah, Magic.
Speaker 1 (27:58):
That's a great segue for us.
Dr Monday Like, tell me alittle bit about the program.
It's called Wire to Connectright and I'm dying to hear
about it.
Tell me about it.
Speaker 2 (28:09):
Wire to Connect.
So it's a four month, althoughwhen I launch it I'll have a
beta group and there's a coupleadditionals for being a part of
the beta group.
So four months.
We learn a lot about the brain,but in a digestible way.
We learn a lot about strategiesof self-soothing for mom and
(28:29):
for kiddo, right.
So I do a very adult module sothat they can build their
toolkits, and then I do the kidversion that they can begin
teaching their little ones howto regulate.
And then tons of strategiestalking about why transitions
are stressful, what doespredictability feel like, the
(28:51):
importance of safety and justvalidating.
So a little bit of that, a lotmore about the brain.
Is there a?
Speaker 1 (28:59):
group coaching involved or access to you?
Yes, okay, tell me about thatpart.
Speaker 2 (29:05):
Once a week, group calls Amazing.
And then again for that betagroup I'm offering one-on-one
too.
I do two 30-minute one-on-onewith me where we can get nitty
gritty, although you probably Idon't even think it's needed a
lot of times because the groupcalls are so powerful, that's
(29:25):
what I have found, too, isthere's something so powerful
about a group of women mothersjoining together and talking
through whatever is happening.
Speaker 1 (29:35):
I think that's what my group members love the most.
Yeah, honestly.
Speaker 2 (29:40):
Yeah, and with that I have a VIP Facebook group.
I have a free Facebook groupwhich we'll link to, because I
do a ton of Facebook Lives.
I offer so many things each daylike mantras, toolbox, kit,
stuff.
So we're a lot of goodies inthat freebie or the free group.
But my VIP group will be alittle bit different, right,
(30:03):
we'll have like a very muchsmaller community and where we
can dialogue a little bit deeperthroughout the week.
Speaker 1 (30:09):
Yeah, what an amazing value that would like, when my
kids were young, to be able tohave a place where I could just
be like I don't know what to dohere, where you could put it in
and have like a coach tell youthis is what I think you needed
to do.
What would have helped your kidin the moment or this is
(30:29):
totally normal, carolyn?
What would have helped your kidin the moment or this is
totally normal, carolyn Calmdown Would be just so valuable.
Speaker 2 (30:34):
And again.
Speaker 1 (30:35):
We will link that private Facebook group, we'll
link the program as well, andthen that guide that we were
talking about, the mom guiltguide.
I am certain my listeners aregoing to want to gobble that up
as well.
Who is your group really for?
Who would be a good fit?
Because I imagine me being likeyour hype woman.
I'm like everybody should be inthis.
(30:55):
But I also know that you havesort of this like sweet spot
that's really value driven foryou around, what kind of moms
you love working with.
So tell me who would be a goodfit.
Speaker 2 (31:09):
I think a good fit would be anxious moms, but
they're very growth-minded,they're dedicated to growing.
I'm kind of putting it 5 to12-year-olds, although I'm not
concrete on if a 4-year-old momwants to come in.
Speaker 1 (31:22):
Right, right.
Or if you have multiple kiddos,if you have a 3-year-old and an
8-year-old, it would be fine,totally fine.
Speaker 2 (31:32):
So anxious moms of 5 to 12-year-old, it would be fine
, totally fine.
So anxious moms of five to12-year-old kids who, their kids
, are typically big, feelingsensitive little ones and
they're just ready to ditch themom guilt, improve their
confidence and reduce themeltdowns so that they can have
a stronger connection with theirkiddo.
Speaker 1 (31:48):
Yeah, and I'm assuming by meltdowns you mean
some of these big feelings liketantrums, screaming, crying,
that kind of stuff.
But I can also see this beinguseful for the kids that have
more internalized meltdownscrying, shutting down,
retreating a little bit Is thatthe case, Okay, and you think
that I mean.
Speaker 2 (32:09):
as you know, it manifests differently depending.
Speaker 1 (32:12):
Yeah, yeah, that's what I was thinking.
Speaker 2 (32:14):
We talk a lot about big feeling, sensitivity, and
not in a bad way.
It's a beautiful thing, but Ithink it's a beautiful thing.
Speaker 1 (32:21):
I mean, look at you.
You're a testament to that.
You're a deeply feeling personand it's like your superpower,
you know.
Speaker 2 (32:28):
I love it.
I love these kiddos that justfeel.
Speaker 1 (32:31):
they feel you know I love it.
I love these kiddos that justfeel they feel Well.
That's why you're so uniquelypositioned to be doing the work
you're doing is because you'veseen it in multiple facets.
You're obviously you're highly,highly trained.
Who better than a childpsychologist?
Right?
And you have this like personalexperience as well.
I loved in your bio and yousaid I just want to be the
(32:52):
person I needed, and that'sexactly my ethos as well.
Speaker 2 (32:56):
Isn't that interesting that we gravitate
towards like almost leaving ourinner child?
Still with our passion lies, orwhy we're so deeply attached to
our populations and our programand our coaching.
Yeah, it's interesting and it'sbeautiful.
I'm proud of us.
Speaker 1 (33:14):
I'm proud of us, so I can.
All right, my dear friend Again, everybody, I will link all
those great resources for you.
We'll also link all the socialprofiles where you can find Dr
Monday.
If you're struggling to connectwith her and you want to, you
can also reach out to me and Ican put you in touch with her as
well.
So thank you so much forlistening and we'll see you on
(33:36):
the next episode.
Thanks so much for listening tothis episode of Kids First
Co-Parenting.
The best way you can supportthe show is by following, rating
and reviewing wherever youlisten to podcasts and by
sharing it with another mom whocould use the support.
You can also connect with me onInstagram and Facebook at Learn
(33:57):
With Little House, where Ishare daily tips and
encouragement for moms raisingkids through high conflict,
divorce.
And if you're ready to go deepand get more tools, scripts,
personalized support andcoaching, come join us inside
the Kids First co-parentingcommunity.
You'll find the details atlearnwithlittlehousecom.
Until next time, remember yourkids don't need you to be
(34:19):
perfect.
They just need you to be steadyand grounded and, as always, to
put them first.
Thanks for being here.
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