Unpacking Positivity & Processing Emotions // with Jen Rafferty

Episode Transcript
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Jen Raferty (00:00):
it's not about feeling happy and positive all the time.
It's about knowing who you are,knowing who you wanna be, and then
making your actions, thoughts,beliefs, language aligned with that.
Welcome to know them.
Be them.
Raise them.
Uh, show to help busy, mindfulgrowth oriented moms stand formed

(00:23):
and inspired, especially as they'renavigating their daughters tween and
teen years, I'm your host Carmelita Tiu.
A couple of housekeeping thingsbefore I launch into this episode.
Number one, shout out to RoxannaElden who left a really lovely
review on apple podcasts.
She said, "great advice Ididn't even realize I needed.

(00:45):
I'm the mother of analmost 10 year old girl.
So when I stumbled onto this podcast, itseemed worth listening to a few episodes.
Great advice, not preachy, a combinationof new ideas and reminders to help
with the type of mom I hope to be.
Looking forward to recommendingthis to other girl moms."
thank you roxanna this made my dayit definitely motivates me to keep

(01:05):
putting out content that hopefullywill be useful to girl moms everywhere.
Secondly, if you haven't heard about,the rise and raise collective, make
sure to stick around till the end.
I provide a little moreinformation after the episode.
So, reach out to me if youhave any questions on that.
And lastly, if you like what you heartoday, Please follow or subscribe,

(01:28):
tell a friend and leave a reviewon apple podcasts or Spotify.
As you heard, they do mean a lot andyou might get a little shout out.
anytime I have the opportunity tounderstand our brains better understand
our wiring so that we can approachlife with an informed perspective.

(01:48):
I just geek out over that.
So I was very excited to beconnected with jen Rafferty,
founder of the empowered educator.
An author international public speakerand educator, jen started as a middle
school music teacher and taughtfor 15 years in central new york.
Jen is a certified emotional intelligencepractitioner and is currently pursuing

(02:12):
her PhD in educational psychology.
Since its inception, the empowerededucator has reached teachers and
school leaders all over the world.
Jen has been featured in authoritymagazine, medium, thrive global
and was on the TEDx stage withher talk, generational change
begins with empowered teachers.

(02:33):
She's also the host of the podcast, takenotes with Jen Rafferty, which is rated
in the top 3% of podcasts globally.
Jen's insatiable curiosity continuesto make the empowered educator
programs relevant and reflective ofthe most up-to-date research in mindset
leadership and cognitive neuroscience.
She's committed to inspiring teachersand school leaders to discover

(02:56):
their voice and maintain a healthylongevity throughout their careers.
Here's our conversation

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host (03:05):
Let's start off with who you are and why you do the work
that you do and why it's important to you.
I'd love to hear that.

Sure.
So the, the skinny of it is, I'll startin 2019, everything was going great.
I was a music teacher in the publicschools in middle school for about 15
years, and I decided, I, I publishedmy book right then also, and I decided
that, I wanted to get a divorce, whichwas a mutual decision between me and my
husband at the time, and I moved out ofmy house with my two kids who were five

(03:35):
and seven at the time, the same weekend.
The world shut down in March, 2020,

Hmm.

and it was a pretty significant.
Shift because everything that Ithought that I was, the day before
a wife, I lived in that house.
I, you know, teaching choir, uh,you know, and, and now I, I'm all
of a sudden homeschooling my kids.
I'm a single mom.
I'm figuring out how toteach music online and I.
I really hit this place where Ineeded to reconcile with who I wanted

(04:04):
to be and, and who I was and, andhow to kind of bridge that gap.
And it's not very often we have thosemoments where we can ask ourselves
those questions in a place where itseems like the world has well, and.
Around us to the ground.

Mm-hmm.

while it was a very difficult, you know, transition,
I am very grateful for that momentmoment because it provided a beautiful
opportunity for me to shift and rebuildand really think about what's important
to me and how do I wanna structuremy life based on my values instead of
based on what I thought I was supposedto be doing, because society tells me
I'm supposed to be doing those things.
So I was able to make a lot of decisionsthat kind of led me in this new direction.

(04:43):
I took off what I thoughtwould just be a semester of
teaching to homeschool my kids.
That fall of 2020 dove into the workof mindset and cognitive neuroscience.
That's when I started my PhDin educational psychology and
went on my own healing journey.
And through that realized, you know,there's a missing piece here in what
we're able to provide our kids, notjust as parents, but as teachers.

(05:05):
And when the time came to.
Decide whether or not Iwanted to go back to school.
My logical mind was saying,of course, Jen, you're this is
what we were supposed to do.
You wrote a book about teaching.
This is who you are.
And everything inside ofmy body was screaming at me
that there is something else.
Don't go back.
Follow your intuition.
Do this new thing.

(05:25):
And I was in a place where I was in thework enough to trust myself in that.
And so I wrote my resignation letter.
I felt amazing.
And then four days later I wassobbing on my living room floor.
Like what did I just do?
Um, cause that's terrifying, you know?
but that's part of how we change andgrow and expands and make impact.

(05:47):
We do scary things and it's knowing howto bring your body along for the ride,
which we can talk about in a little bit.
And so I started my company, which isEmpowered Educator, and now I work with
schools and, uh, particularly teachers,school leaders, front office staff,
and now even parents, about focusing onthe social and emotional wellbeing of
the adults in all of the kids' lives.

(06:07):
We do a great job really focusing on whatwe need for kids and to, to do our best,
to provide them with what they need.
But when we leapfrog over the, the adults,these programs are not, Effective or
they're not as effective because thepeople who are delivering the information
are not embodying the practices.
So that's where my work comes in.

Something that, uh, came up as you were sharing this,
this idea of embodiment and, you know,trying to support our kids, as we navigate
life's struggles, I know you've done alittle bit of work or maybe more than a
little bit of work on the idea of positivepsychology versus toxic positivity.
Can you shed some light on, youknow, what's the difference?

(06:49):
Let's start there.

Sure.
So positive psychology in and of itself.
Is wonderful because it opensup a door to possibility.
Oftentimes when we're like in thesituation, we're in the weeds, we, we
have one perspective of how it is, andit's usually just like, doesn't feel good.
It just, everything just isgross and terrible and, and it's

(07:11):
difficult to see our way out of it.
What positive psychology tells us is thatif you use what's we call a reframe, then
you are able to reframe a situation whereit's as if you're sitting at a dining room
table and you're looking at something fromwhere you were sitting at the head of the
table that's in the middle of the table.
And a reframe essentially is if you getup from your chair and you just move to

(07:31):
a different chair and that same thingthat's in the middle, you actually
see from a different perspective andtherefore you can kind of shift into
something that's maybe not so terribleand awful, but something that has now.
a positive outlook or a newopportunity or possibility and.
That in of itself is great.
However, where it gets a little bitsticky and becomes toxic is when

(07:53):
we throw like glitter and sprinklesand rainbows and butterflies on a
problem that really doesn't feel good.
And so what we do is this like gratitudebypass or this positivity bypass where
we we're experiencing something that isnot great, where we feel resentful or
angry or frustrated or overwhelmed, butthen we say to ourselves, well, I wanna
stay positive so at least I'm healthy.

(08:16):
Or at least they still have a job,or at least, you know, my kids
aren't in jail or like, whatever.
Like fill in the blank, right?
It doesn't matter what it is.
and so we bypass the emotion of what we'refeeling in an effort to think positive,
and that's where it becomes toxic.
Because what happens then is that we'renot actually processing our emotions,

(08:39):
we're just shoving them down in our body.
Now, thoughts happen in our mind.
Feelings happen in our body.
And when we feel these lower levelemotions that are disempowering,
not negative, no emotionsare negative, they just are.
Some are empowering, some aredisempowering, but we're in
that disempowering lower levelfrequency of an emotion like anger,

(09:01):
frustration, depression, hopelessness.
We have to actually process through thatand feel it, which doesn't actually feel
good, but we have to do that in orderto get to the other side where we can
say, okay, now I'm ready for a reframe.
And I do have one more thing tosay about that because there's
lots of places we can go.

(09:22):
But this is an important thing also,is that, until we do That process.
we're never going to get to aplace where we feel aligned.
And I think this is where a lotof what my work comes into is.
I don't like to, even, to use theword positive, I use the word aligned

Hmm.

it's not about feeling happy and positive all the time.
It's about knowing who you are,knowing who you wanna be, and then
making your actions, thoughts,beliefs, language aligned with that.

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: ah, I love that. (09:52):
undefined
Seriously, uh, because I was just about tosay that positive kind of has a negative
connotation and perhaps justifiably insome way because it does represent that,
uh, Positivity bypass for so many people,which is another term that I love because
I've never heard it articulated that way.

(10:14):
That instead of, sitting with thefeelings and working through them, you
just almost pretend that they don't exist.
Like you're gonna

well, it's easier, right?
Because it, it's just like,you don't wanna, it doesn't
feel good to not feel good,

right.

you know?
So on some level you're like,oh, I'll just like think my way
through this one and it'll be cool.
Uh, but it's not because fast forwarda couple of days, couple weeks, couple
months, couple years, what happens?
You end up having these manifestedfeelings in, um, illness and

Mm mm mm that mind body connection too is something that
I didn't really start to notice and feelthe truth of until I was a little older.
But to be able to kind of communicatethat to our kids, I could see being
so helpful and so empowering to letthem trust their gut, trust how their
physical, you know, feelings are comingup and what that might be telling them.

Yes.
Well, how often do we say when kidsare not feeling, an empowering feeling?
You're okay.
It's fine.
You're fine.
And what we're doing then in,in an effort to take away their
pain, cuz of course we're adults.
We love our, we love them andwe don't want them to feel any
pain and we want them to be okay.
And so we, you know, wejust wanna protect them.
And so we, we try totake that onto ourselves.

(11:26):
But when we do that, we actually preventthem from experiencing an emotional
process that is essential for their growthand development and connection to one of
the most beautiful things that's a partof their humanity, which is their emotion.
And you know, we often take thataway because we, as the adults
feel uncomfortable with it.

Right, right.
On that point, the idea of notcircumventing, but dealing with those
feelings, whether it's our kid orourselves, what are your thoughts on how
to approach actually sitting with it?
Like, how does, how does one dothat if they're not used to it?
If they're used to takingthat bypass all the time?

Such a good question.
One of the reasons why we don'tsit with our emotions in a way
that's helpful and productiveis because it doesn't feel safe.
I mean, I'm, I'm gonna assume here fora minute, but I, many of us have not
grown up in homes where it was safe tofeel lower level disempowering feelings.
Does that, does that ring true

mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.

Yes.
Okay.
Same for me.
Right?
Yeah.
And like, and my, you know, Igrew up in a great household.
I had two loving parents.
You know, I, I had a greatrelationship with my sister.
Yet we were not modeled how tohandle emotions that are anything
other than, like, happy andexcited and pleasant and content.
So, you know, growing up doing thisnow actually doesn't feel safe.

(12:55):
And what I mean by thatis your nervous system.
You know, which is mind body ishow, I'm gonna, you know, kind
of, talk about it right now.
Your nervous system iswired to keep you safe.
This is your biology and soanything that is familiar.
Is safe.
So if you are comfortable and itis familiar for you to do emotional

(13:16):
bypass, then that's what your nervoussystem is going to do because it
is an adaptive behavior that's keptyou alive this whole entire time.
And which by the way, it's donea great job because we're here.
You're either listening and like youand I are having this conversation.
You know, it did a great job.
However, that adaptive behavior isnot serving us anymore because we know
that we need to process through ouremotions in order to show up as our most

(13:39):
authentic selves and live our best lives.
So what you need to do then isrecognize how do I create safety in my
nervous system to make it feel okay?
So I can process through this thing.
So how do we create safetyin our nervous system?
First of all, You have to recognizewhen you don't feel safe, and

(13:59):
those are all of the telltalesigns that you're feeling stressed.
So you know your chest might betight, you might have a headache.
Your shoulders wanna be earrings.
All of a sudden, you know, youhave a knot in your stomach.
And when you recognize what'sgoing on with your body physically,
then you can create safety bydoing certain exercises like.
Breathing.
You know, it's, it sounds so simplebecause it is sitting for just, you

(14:23):
know, 30 seconds and doing threerounds of a box breath, which is inhale
for four, pause for four, exhale forfour, pause for four, and just paying
attention to your breath will lower.
Your heart rate will slow down.
Your breathing and your nervoussystem will be like, all right,
like, I think Joan's safe now.
I think, I think it'sokay to cry for a minute.
And you get to do that asmany times as you need to do.

(14:45):
But it is a process, and this isreally what being empowered feels like.
This is regaining your agency and whatwe're doing is not only increasing
our capacity to hold space for ourkids for when they have these moments,
but we are modeling another paradigmfor them to know that it Oh, okay.
I see mom processing through her sadness.

(15:06):
I see mom processing throughher anger that's safe and they
grow up with that new paradigm.
And that's the generational changethat I'm really interested in.

I, I love that.
Oh gosh.
I keep saying I love that because I do.
But

Me too.
It gets me all fired up becausethis is, this is the stuff like
this is the, you know, once we startlearning how our minds work and.
How our behaviors are, really justadaptive behaviors from trauma responses.
Like we're all walking traumaresponses, like, you know, we,
we need to just talk about like,this is just part of being human.
And once we get it all out on thetable and know that you and me and

(15:43):
everyone listening, we are all thesame, we can start really to heal
collectively and make significant change.

Yeah.
Yeah.
So, going back to this idea of kind ofbreathing and regulating your own emotions
so that you can, you can process them.
is there a part of that, that involveskind of just noticing and checking.
To your point about we gravitate towardsthe familiar, and I, I kind of love how

(16:11):
you described that whatever's familiar issafe, even if you know on an intellectual
level that it's maybe not good for youor maybe not healthy for you, but it's
familiar and it's that familiarity thatyour body sees as equating to safety.
So, so breathing andnoticing the feelings.
And then choosing something different.

(16:33):
Is that kind of the nextstep to get you through?

Yes, it can be, it can be choosing something different.
Sometimes the step isreally just in the noticing

Hmm.

can't change something you don't notice.
So, you know, oftentimes peoplecome to this work and they're
like, okay Jen, this is great.
I've been doing these breathingbreaks throughout the day, which
is something I highly recommend.
I.
Still set four alarms in my phone.
They go off, I stop what I'm doing.
I do three rounds of abox breath just to check

It's amazing.
Yeah.

just to notice, because I can't, you know, you're on autopilot.
That's another function of yourbrain being super efficient
and keeping you alive.
But if you're not interruptingyour autopilot, nothing
is ever going to change.
So creating some sort of, you know,alarms that I work with educators,
they do it even with their classes.
I do it with my kidssometimes when they're home.
And that is, that is a, an opportunityfor you to strengthen that notice muscle.

(17:23):
Just pausing what's happeningwith my body right now?
What am I feeling?
What am I thinking that'scausing me to feel this thing?
Is that thought true?
Do I wanna think this thought?
And we start getting really curiousas to what's going on because.
95 to 97% of the time, we areoperating on our subconscious.
Our subconscious is running the show.

(17:43):
That means only three to 5% of ourexistence is actual conscious choices.
Isn't that wild?

That's crazy.

That is crazy.
And so what we're doing with thesepractices is that we are increasing
our level of consciousness.
We are raising our conscious awarenessso we can be active participants
and co-creators in our life insteadof just like wandering around being
reactive to everything all of thetime, which is a result of our wiring.
And that's, it's nobody's fault.

(18:13):
This is just how we're wired.
But now we know better.
We have the research now,which is still relatively new.
I mean, neuroplasticity is only about.
20 or so years old at this point, maybe20, 25, 30 now that I'm thinking about it.
but it's new science, so understandinghow to have a working relationship
with your brain is, is great.
And I do wanna say one thing beforeI move on to the next topic, cuz I

(18:33):
know you're itching to talk aboutneuroplasticity, but sometimes in
those moments, breathing isn't enough.
And I need to also bereally clear about that.
Breathing isn't always the answer.
Sometimes the answer is gettingin your car and screaming.
Sometimes the answer isgoing to a rage room.
I mean, I take my kids to a rage roomwhen I am feeling really angry about

(18:54):
stuff and I need to like, yeah, like Iget out the, and it has to be physical.
I bought a little punching bag onAmazon that sits on my desk and I just
like take a few punches sometimes.
Breathing sometimes isn't gonna cut it.
If you're really feeling it and you'redeep in resentment and you're deep in
anger and you're deep in frustration,you're not gonna think your way out of it.

(19:14):
And breathing might help temporarily,but that feeling needs to be
released in your body becausethat's where the feelings are.

Um, I noticed that in my kids too, like, or I suspected
that and I, I sort of let myself believeit because to your point, I can come at
them with all of these tools and, youknow, mindfulness exercises, but sometimes
they just they just need to do somethingphysical that kind of wears them out to

(19:41):
get that anxiety out of their system.
And I, myself was not an athlete, soI can't relate to a lot of that, but
even, I know that there are times whenthat feeling of spentness is the only
thing that kind of checks off a box.

A hundred percent.
I'm not an athlete eitherrunning there's nothing you can
do to get me to go on a run.
There's no amount ofmoney that you can pay me.
It's just not happening.
That is not my, you know, mode of,you know, release that I choose.
But going outside, I love to be outside.
Sometimes I'll go outside, barefootbecause putting my feet in the grass
and connecting to nature is somethingthat actually helps me release.

(20:16):
And again, just doing something tocreate safety in your nervous system,
what your, your nervous systemmind, body can just be like, okay,

Yeah.

good.
We're not, we're not gonna die right now

Mm, So on that note, do you have a parting thought or
some affirmation or maybe a phrase you'dlike to turn to when thinking about,
emotions and positivity or alignment thatyou'd like to leave with the listeners?

Sure.
I think one of the most important thingsto remember here is patience and grace.
That often the impatiencebecomes the sabotage.
We wanna feel good so, badly thatwe want to be here now and we

(21:06):
can't rush the process becausewhen we do, we want to control it.
And control is an illusion.
So, you know, understanding thatwherever you are is perfectly
beautiful and give yourself patience.
And give yourself grace.
And when things aren't going theway you think you want them to,

(21:29):
you're gonna recommit and try again.
And that's it.
That's all there is to it.
Ugh.
So much goodness, hard to pick,but here are my top takeaways.
Number one positivepsychology is a good thing.
It encourages us to see situationsfrom different perspectives so we

(21:50):
can shift into a less awful place.
Or see the opportunity or possibilitythat can arise from something
we initially see as negative.
Number two.
Uh, gratitude, bypass or positivitybypass, is when we're experiencing
frustration or anger or overwhelm.
But instead of processing those feelings,we shut that down and bypass the emotion

(22:13):
by saying things like, well, at least I'mhealthy or at least I still have a job.
This becomes toxic.
Number three.
We have to work through our feelings.
If we don't address them, we'llnever get to a place where
we'll feel aligned internally.
That pent up emotion builds up and throwsoff our intuition and inner compass.

(22:36):
Number four.
Your nervous system iswired to keep you safe.
And what's familiar.
Feel safe, even if the familiaris not really good for you.
This one blew my mind because weoften hear and wonder about why
people are attracted to toxicrelationships or bad habits.
And this kind of explains it.

(22:59):
Number five to evolve beyondnegative patterns that our nervous
systems want to default to.
We have to recognize when we don't feelsafe, and then use tools like pausing
to notice how our bodies feel, andtaking deep breaths or practicing box
breathing even just for 30 seconds.
This will calm our nervoussystems and make space for

(23:21):
us to make different choices.
To learn more about Jen and herempowered educator programming.
Head to empowered educator.com.
Follow her on Instagram at JenRafferty underscore that's J E N R a F.
F.
e r T y Underscore, and find herpodcast, "take notes with Jen Rafferty"

(23:45):
on your favorite podcasting platform.

Thanks for listening today and being the committed
intentional parent that you are.
If you enjoy the podcast pleasefollow, tell a friend and leave
a review on apple podcasts orSpotify if you haven't already.
Also, I'd like to invite you tobe one of the founding members
of the rise and raise collective.
It's a mastermind I'm startingof mindful growth oriented moms.

(24:15):
Who want to grow as individualsas well as parent with intention.
Now, when I say mastermind, this doesnot mean you have to be an expert.
I am not an expert by any stretch.
It's really the sense of curiosity anda commitment to personal growth that
qualifies anyone to be part of this.
So, you know, what really triggered thiswas thinking about how, when I first

(24:40):
became pregnant, I had all the books.
I also took classes and became involvedin a variety of mommy and me groups.
And connected with other new moms.
I vividly remember when I was on maternityleave, going on walks with another
new mom and we were both pushing ourstrollers and we'd meet for an hour.
Because that was about the length of timethat our babies could take it . And we

(25:02):
would just talk about all things relatedto where we were in this stage of life.
Dealing with the babies, how tomake everything work, how to get
more sleep, you know how to feelnormal when there's so much going
on, that feels up in the air.
That intentionality and focusaround becoming a parent,

(25:23):
it's a really special thing.
And it made me realize how beingdeliberate about how we spend
our time thinking about thingscan make such a difference.
So my vision is to provide a safeand celebratory space for moms
to learn, grow and connect withother moms of tween and teen girls.
think virtual gatherings wherewe can cheer each other on, get

(25:46):
advice from other moms who areon the same journey as we are.
We can share stories and ask toughquestions sometimes from experts, um,
people like you hear on the podcast.
But also just of each other.
Questions, like how do we talk about sexor sexual assault with our daughters?

(26:06):
How do we talk about setting boundaries?
How do I get my kids to do the thingsI like them to do without sounding
authoritarian or saying because I said so.
And I'd love to offer monthly groupcoaching sessions where individuals
can come forward with a particularplace where they feel stuck and I
can offer guidance as well as we cantap into the wisdom of the group.

(26:30):
That's a huge thing I love aboutgroups is we are only capable
of sharing our own perspectives.
When you have a group, you havemultiple perspectives, a diversity of
experiences, multiple Backgrounds thatcan provide different alternatives
and possible solutions to theproblems that we're encountering.

(26:52):
So if this sounds like something youmight be interested in, shoot me a direct
message on Instagram at @knowberaisethemor visit the website knowberaisethem.com
And you can send me an email from there.
Or head to the show notes, allof these things will be linked.
I'll also be posting additionalinformation on the Instagram feed.
So again, that is @knowberaisethem.

(27:15):
I look forward to hearing from you.
If you have questions, if you wantto connect, please just reach out.
Thanks again for listening.
And here's to strong women.
May we know them, may we bethem, and may we raise them.

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