Surviving Loss, Overcoming Trials, and Keeping the Faith: Leilani Speck's Story - Latter-day Lights - LDS Podcast "Latter-Day Lights" - Inspirational LDS Stories

Episode Transcript
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Scott Brandley (00:18):
So if you're looking to be inspired,
uplifted, and spirituallyretarded, just visit face.com.
Now, let's get back to theshow.
Hey everyone, I'm ScottBrandley.

Emily Hemmert (00:32):
And I'm Emily Hemmert.
Every member of the church hasa story to share, one that can
instill faith, invite growth,and inspire others.

On today's episode, we're going to hear one
woman's incredible journey ofadoption, spiritual gifts,
divorces, miscarriages, cancer,car accidents, and faithful
losses, and still finding God,endurance, miracles, and then
wavering faith in the journey.
Welcome to Latter Day Life.

(01:01):
Hey everyone, and welcome backto another episode of Latter Day
Life.
We're so glad you're with ustoday.
And we're really excited tointroduce our special guest,
Leilani Speck to the show.
Welcome, Leilani.

Leilani Speck (01:21):
Hi, thanks for having me.

Yeah, we're super excited to have you on the
show.
And we also have anotherspecial treat for you guys.
We have our the most uh the thethe guest with the most
appearances on our show, EmilyHemmert.

Um thanks for having me on here.
It's awesome to be on the otherside of things.

Yeah.
So for those of you thatwatched the show, you probably
know Emily.
Um she actually runs anonprofit called the Markovia
Project, which is near and dearto our hearts.
She was one of the first gueststhat we ever had on the show,
and her nonprofit had justkicked off.
So we've kind of grown uptogether over the last few

(02:06):
years, which has been fun.
But um, as a lot of you know,Alicia, my co-host that I've had
for almost four years, she'sshe's still my co-host, but uh
she she bought a venue um abouta year ago, and this is her busy
season, so she's got a lot ofum events and things going on

(02:29):
right now.
So she asked if Emily couldcome and be my co-host, and I
was totally cool about that.
So I'm glad that you're here,Emily, and you'll probably see
her on a on a few episodes heregoing into Christmas, but I'm
sure everybody's super happy tohave you.
So thanks for being here.

Thanks for having me.

All right.
So, Leilani, welcome.

Thank you.

Um, why don't you tell us a little bit about
yourself?

Well, um I'm currently living in southern
Indiana.
Um, I've lived in seven stateshere in the US at various times.
I am semi-retired and currentlywork part-time for a local
landscape company.
And some of the things I liketo do is I love photography, um,

(03:21):
mostly with animals andlandscapes and that kind of
stuff.
Um, I love to sew and embroiderand crochet and quilting.
In fact, quilting is probablymy biggest passion.
Okay.
I've never met a pre-cut Idon't like.
Because you have to pet it, youknow?

(03:44):
You have to love it and bet it.

Yeah.
When when me and my wife werefirst married, we went to the DI
and we bought the mostoutrageous cloth that we could
find.
It was like oranges and browns,and there were paisleys, and it
was crazy.
And we made a quilt together,and we used that as the quilt on
our bed for like 15 years.

Oh, that's cool.
That's very cool.

Yeah, yeah.
That was pretty prettypsychedelic, but we liked it.
It's like our our our creation,you know.

Do you still have it?

Somewhere, yeah.

That's great.
That's good.

Yep.

Quilts will outlive us.

Yeah, for sure.
Are you a quilter, Emily?

Um, I like quilting, but I don't do enough
of it.
But I do enjoy it when I makethe time to do it.

Yeah.
Well, awesome.
Well, we um Emily and I readyour story, Leilani, and it's
pretty incredible.
So we want to give you as muchtime as possible to share it.
So why don't we turn the timeover to you and tell us where
your story begins.

Okay.
Well, just a little bit beforemy actual story, I'll give you a
little bit of background.
Um, I, along with my brother,was adopted probably when I was
about three years old, and mybrother was about seven.
Uh, we were adopted by ourmaternal grandmother and
stepgrandfather.

(05:14):
And um that happened by way ofour birth mother kind of leaving
us alone.
Um, and this one particularday, um, my she had gone out to
party and um left us alone andit was getting late, and my

(05:37):
brother knew that I was probablyhungry, and so he went and got
his piggy bank and broke hispiggy bank open and took all the
change he had, bundled me up,and we went up to the corner
store, and he bought whateverpenny candy he could just so
that I'd have something to eat.

(05:58):
And of course, you know, backin the day, you always had tabs
up at the corner stores, and sothe store owners would know
everybody that came in.
So he recognized us, he knewwho our grandmother was, had her
number, so she he called her,told him that we were up there,
and he said she said, We'll beright there.

(06:20):
She came and got us, took usback to our apartment, got our
clothes and toys and all thatstuff, took us to her house, and
we never went back home to livewith our mom again.
And um, yeah, I mean it's a youknow more than that, but that's
enough for that.

(06:40):
Uh, so anyway, we grew up in achurch and our parents were
converts, they were previouslymembers of the reorganized LDS
Church, and um the missionariesfound them and tracted them out
and taught them, and uh theyjoined the church, and so we

(07:01):
were members of the church sincethen, and um so I guess my real
story starts um probably aroundage four or five.
And I at night when I'd go andget ready for bed and would be

(07:22):
saying my prayers, I it was notuncommon.
I won't say how many times thisoccurred, but it happened a few
times enough for me to rememberit.
Um, where this darkness wouldcome into the room and um just
kind of enveloped me to thepoint where I was almost

(07:47):
paralyzed, I couldn't movehardly.
And I would crawl along thefloor, I can remember crawling
around the floor and around mybed just to get away from that
darkness.
Because at that age, I didn'tknow what it was, and um I just
kept trying to get away from itand telling it to go away and
leave me alone and all thatstuff that little kids do, you

(08:10):
know.
And it would finally leave andeverything would be fine for a
while, and then it would happenagain, and then it would happen
again, and eventually it it kindof stopped for many years until
I was basically an adult, and Ihad it happen a couple of more

(08:31):
times as an adult, but by then Iunderstood who and what it was.

I know that you're gonna tell some more
about some of the spiritualexperiences you have.
So, would you say that like youum maybe like have a closeness
with the spirit?

Yes, I mean to be honest, yes.
Um and there are times when theveil is very thin, and I can go
into that a little bit later aswell.
But um, so yes, and I thinkthat that's a gift, and I I see

(09:12):
it as a gift.
Um with that gift, it alsomeans that and I don't know what
it's like for everybody, butfor me, it feels like when I'm
being tried or tempted aboutsomething, sometimes it's really
heavy.
But on the flip side of that,when it lifts or when the light

(09:37):
can come in, it's like reallybright and comforting and
amazing.
Um but yes, um, I can, yeah, Ido.

Yeah, I think there are people that are that
are closer to the spirit or havethat gift where they can feel
it a lot more than other people,but like there's the you could
probably feel the the evil sideand the good side more, right?

Yeah, yeah, it's kind of a double-edged sword in
that way.
Um so yeah, I think you'reright too about that.
Okay.
And um, so by that time I Icould command it to leave me,
you know, to leave and leave mealone.
And it it finally did.

(10:30):
I haven't he hasn't bothered mein that way since.
He uses other ways now.
Now that I recognize him, youknow.
Um but some things that Ilearned from that is I learned
that Satan is very real and verymuch alive, and he will he will

(10:52):
use various ways to try and getat you, uh, to tempt you and to
drag you away from what youknow is you should be doing.
Um, he wants to do everythinghe can to lead us away from
Christ and from who we're meantto be.
I also learned that throughthat as well as other

(11:13):
experiences of my life, thatthere's a difference between his
minions.
Now I think he sends out hisminions to try us to tempt us to
do all those things too.
But I think there are times andinstances where he might say

(11:35):
this time on this thing, I'mgoing after her, or I'm going
after him.
And the feeling is totallydifferent.
Um I've learned how to identifythat.
And it's just it's a scene.
The best way I can describe itis just when he comes after you,

(11:58):
it's a much heavier, weightier,darker um experience of battle
than when he sends his minions.
It's almost like you know, theminions sit on your shoulder and
you just flick them off alittle bit easier, sometimes it

(12:18):
feels like.
So where was I?
Oh fast forward a few years, webecome a foster family.
And how that occurred wasduring the summer months between
school, while we were out ofschool, my mom would would have

(12:40):
kids come over that and shecould would babysit during the
summer.
Well, this one set of children,they were three boys and one
girl, they were dropped off bytheir mothers or by their
mother, and um of course thenshe'd come pick them up at the
end of the day.
And mom always made sure thatthat the mothers would send

(13:05):
extra pairs of clothing with thekids, so that in case something
happened and we needed theyneeded to change clothes, we'd
have a change of clothes forthem.
And so she was really goodabout picking them up and
dropping them off for quite awhile, and then all of a sudden,
one day, she never came.
She never came and picked themup.

(13:26):
And so we kept them there atour house, bedded them down and
all that, and that continued.
She didn't come the next day.
She didn't, mom couldn't get ahold of her, and she didn't come
the next day, and that went onclear up until almost school was
ready to start.

(13:47):
And we thought we don't knowwhat to do, can't get a hold of
her.
I mean, it was almost like shedisappeared or something.
I still don't know whathappened to her.
Um, so mom and dad had to callDepartment of Social Services
because for whatever reason theycouldn't go to their father's

(14:08):
house at that time.
I don't I don't know all thedetails because I was still a
kid.
And so mom and dad calledDepartment of Social Services.
Social worker came out, talkedto us, interviewed mom and dad
about becoming a foster family.
So they agreed to do that.

(14:28):
We took care of getting thehouse ready, having it inspected
for them, and all of that, andgot approved.
And so they moved in with us.
And I shared a bedroom with umthe youngest girl.
Her name was Darla.
And then the other three boysum bunked up with my brother and

(14:50):
my mom and dad, they converted,we had an enclosed front porch,
so they enclosed that off to betheir master bedroom, and Darla
and I took over their masterbedroom for our bedroom.
And we had two bedrooms in thebasement, so the boys took over
the two bedrooms in thebasement, and they ended up

(15:13):
living with us for two years.
They stayed with us a yearlonger than is would have been
normal.
And at the end of that time,um, they were told that they had
to go then go live with theirdad.
And so they did.
We were allowed to visit oncein a while, but then at some
point, I think we were onlyallowed to do that a couple of

(15:35):
times, and the social workersaid, We got to cut you off.
You can't go back and see them.
It's getting too hard for themto adjust.
So we lost contact with them,but we and we got four more
children.
And since we're alreadyapproved, that process was
really easy.

(15:56):
These this time it was threegirls and one boy, and so this
time us girls took over thebedrooms in the basement, and
the boy and my my brother tookover the other bedroom upstairs,
and it was during that periodof time that um we were in bed

(16:17):
sleeping, that I woke up onenight and um Frances, who is the
youngest, was in her bed on theother side of the room from me,
and I looked up and there wasan angel above her bed, and it
was a child angel, and it wasthe brightest light I had ever

(16:43):
seen.
I mean, there is no other lightthat I can think of to compare
with that that I've seen.
And I didn't say anything toher because it quite frankly, it
scared the living daylights outof me at that point.
You know, I'm still stillpretty young and had never seen

(17:03):
that before.
Um, but it wasn't it wasn'tlike I was afraid of it, but at
the same time, it startled me.
Maybe that's a better word.
And so I covered up my head.
And then when I finally got thecourage to uncover it again to
see, did I really see that?

(17:23):
Um she was gone.
But she was there for a time, Idon't know how long, to just
watch over Francis.
And um, yeah, it was prettyamazing.
Um, and so a lesson I learnedfrom that is angels are real and
they exist, and they're sent tohelp us, they're sent to

(17:49):
protect us, to watch over ussometimes, literally.
Um and they're not to beafraid, and you don't have to be
afraid of them.
Um they're good.
There's they're everythingthat's good, you know, from
Heavenly Father.
Um so that was a that was asweet thing.

(18:11):
Um and just like angels, I'vecome to understand that there
are others on the other side ofthe veil that are sometimes sent
to take care of us, to helpwatch over us and to guide us
when we seem you knowdiscombodulated.

(18:35):
Because it happens.
And so um we had those girlsfor oh probably a year or so
before my dad got got sick, andhe got sick and um passed away a

(18:57):
week later, so it was reallysudden.
And yeah, he had gottenpneumonia.
Um was at work and he passedout, and this was back in 1972
or 72, I think.
And there was some I was let'ssee, by then I was thirteen.

(19:28):
I was yeah, really young and umthe the people at work took him
on into the doctor and theyjust gave him a shot because
they figured it was the flubecause there was a massive, a
major flu epidemic at thatpoint, at that that year.
So he came home, they broughthim home, and that was on a

(19:52):
Friday, and by Sunday, my momand my brother took him into the
hospital because he was havingtroubles breathing and stuff.
And that was the last time Isaw my dad alive.
Oh man.
And he passed away away a weeklater.
And um so after dad's passing,it wasn't very long, maybe a

(20:17):
month or I don't even know if itwas two months.
And those children were sentback to the orphanage because we
weren't allowed to be a fosterfamily anymore since it was just
my mom and no father figure.
So they went back um to theorphanage, and it was just my
brother and my mom and Ireadjusting to this new life.

(20:40):
And eventually my mom decidedto start dating again.
And so there was no internet,there was no dating apps, there
was what they called theselonely hearts club magazines
back in the and uh she used tobuy these magazines, and they

(21:02):
were just filled, the pages werefilled with listings, almost
like a telephone book, only withprofiles of individuals and
what they like.
Just like a it would just belike if you logged on to a
dating app on the internet now,where you get a profile and all
of that.
Um, they I don't remember therebeing pictures, although there

(21:24):
might have been.
Um, but she started writingletters to different men all
over the place.
And some she got back lettersand some she didn't, and some
that she did, she wouldn'tanswer.
Um, didn't like what she read,and a few others she did.

(21:44):
And uh what was really kind ofchuckling and funny to me was
throughout this whole time wealways knew when my dad was
around.
He kind of lingered around.
Um, and if she dar she starteddating somebody that he didn't
approve of, we would hear thingsin the kitchen like doors

(22:06):
opening and slamming shut,cupboard doors slamming, opening
and being slammed at.
So we always knew that that'swhat was going on.
And uh, but if if it wassomebody that he thought was
okay, he was just quiet, didn'tsay a word, didn't do anything.

(22:28):
Um, but it it was kind ofhumorous.
Um, we just knew that that washim and we knew what he was
doing, and it was fine.
We could just feel we felt himthere, you know.
You just kind of feel that.
And uh so eventually mom hadmet a man in Florida and married

(22:49):
him, and so we packed up andmovers came and moved us, and we
moved to Florida, and Ifinished high school down there,
and went to college down there,and of course, lived.
And um, that was you know, thatwas filled with all kinds of

(23:10):
new experiences.
Our stepdad uh went to churchwith us, although he was not a
member, and because of where ourward building really was, which
was probably a good 30,40-minute drive from our house,
and there was another ward,which was, I think, even in

(23:32):
another different stake, um, wasmuch closer to us, but not
really our boundaries.
We went to that ward for a longtime, and the bishop there let
us do that, considering thecircumstances.
It made it easier for mystepfather to drop me off, take
me to church and to activitiesand stuff.

(23:52):
And so they let us do that forquite a while, actually.
And um, he continued to go tochurch with us, had no
intentions of joining, justwould go.
Um, and so then we moved backinto our family ward that we

(24:13):
were supposed to.
And after high school and I wasout of college and working, I
was called to be a stakemissionary for two years,
specifically when I was 19.
And um at that time, the churchwas trying a pilot program

(24:33):
called the One Mission Concept.
That's when the stakemissionaries were called by the
stake, but put under thedirection of the full-time
mission president.
And the Florida Tampa missionwas chosen to pilot that
program.
It did, I don't, it didn't, Idon't think it worked very well.

(24:54):
Um, I never heard of any othermission doing that or anything,
but we did it while I was on mymission.
And so for that two years, Iwas under the direction of the
full-time mission president, wasreal, which was really very
cool.
Um, we were expected to do allthe same things that the
full-time missionaries did,however, on a lesser amount of

(25:18):
time.
Uh, we were required to fulfill20 hours a week doing
missionary work in addition toour full-time jobs.
And it was often that we werewe had so many people that we
were teaching that we spent alot more than 20 hours a week.
Let's just say that.
And yeah, and that alsoincluded our study time, um, and

(25:44):
getting together as companionsand tracting and doing all and
studying.
It included all of that, sothat was a lot, and um, so we
even had we were encouraged tolearn the discussions, so we had
the rainbow discussions.
If anybody is familiar withthose, you know what they are.

(26:05):
Um that's what we had, and it'swhere the first discussion
starts out.
Good evening, Mr.
Brown.
We're happy to be here.
Then it goes into the JosephSmith story, and that's all I
remember.
Um and so that was that was agreat experience, and just one

(26:25):
experience that I'll relate wasum when we had a period of time
that some sister missionaries,they were senior sisters, didn't
want to work with us.
So we didn't we didn't knowwhat else to do.
We went to our missionpresident.
In fact, I did when I was inthe office one day um turning in

(26:50):
one of my reports, and I said,President Workman, what do we
do?
They won't work with us, theydon't think we're real
missionaries.
And so he thought for a minute,he goes, hmm, goes over to the
map on the wall of our mission.
He says, Come here.
He says, You see this sectionright here?
Yeah, well, that's yours now.

(27:12):
Go work it.
It hasn't seen much action, soyou go take care of it.
So my companion and I startedworking in that area.
Started almost, it was almostlike opening an area, if you've
ever done that on a mission.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
And we started tracting anddoing all the things that you do

(27:32):
and uh finding people to teach.
And then eventually thosesisters were transferred out,
and we got two other sisters in.
And from then on, we could workwith those sisters um
throughout the remainder of ourtime.
And so what we would do is wewould um meet up on Saturday
mornings, and I and one of thefull-time sisters would go into

(27:57):
their area for the morning, andmy companion and the other
sister would go into our area inthe morning, then we would meet
up at lunchtime, eat lunch, andthen we would switch spots, and
then we would meet up again inthe evening to go teach.
Sometimes we would teachtogether, and sometimes we would

(28:19):
stay on our splits and goseparately and teach.
And so we were able to do thatthroughout the rest of my
mission.
And so it um it really was awonderful time.
We've served with greatmissionaries, with great elders
and other sisters, and um, so itit was good times and happy

(28:42):
memories.

But that yeah, what a cool, what a cool story.
I didn't know the church didthat, yeah, yeah.

Like I said, I didn't hear of any other mission
doing that.
Um, I don't think it went, itclearly didn't go across the
board, but um, you know, it wasgreat for us.
So, you know, for me it wasalmost like a real full-time
mission.
Um, yeah, for sure.
So um I think I need to back upa little bit.

(29:12):
I missed something here earlierthat I was just reminded of and
looking at those things.
Um, something about my dad'sside of the family, since I've
spoken a little bit about mymom's side of the family.
Um, there's a supposed historyof witchcraft on that side of
the family with my dad's uhmother.

(29:35):
Apparently uh practicedwitchcraft.
Now, in the world ofwitchcraft, I learned there's
two different sides.
There's black witchcraft andwhite witchcraft.
Black witchcraft does very evilthings.
White witchcraft is supposedlydoes very good things or does

(29:56):
things only to protect others orcombat the other evil.
I say the other evil because weknow where bolt comes from.
It's the same evil.
Um, and so apparently she thestory goes that she put a spell
on my mother because she didn'tlike my mother much.

(30:17):
And in the process of that, momdecided to fight fire with
fire, and she went and got abook and put a spell on her, on
her mother-in-law.
And I know it's crazy, I know,and apparently it was so bad

(30:38):
that it almost did hit hermother-in-law in to the point
where she backed off, releasedwhatever it was she did, and
never bothered my mother again.

And so mom was this in the six was this in the
60s?

Yeah, I'm sure, yes, it was.
It definitely was.
And so one of the other thingsthat my mother liked to do,
because she just kind of hadthat kind of a brain, is she
liked to play with the Ouijaboard.
So she had a Ouija board in thehouse.

(31:15):
And she brought that Ouijaboard out quite a bit.
And there's one particulartime, and I was I have to jump
back just a little bit because Iwas about 12 then, and she
wanted me to play it with her,and I reluctantly did.
But she said, I'm gonna, I'mgonna ask it if this is Satan or

(31:37):
if this is the devil, and seeif he'll roll the toy ball
that's on the couch off thefloor because it was a cat toy
that was on the couch, and Isays, I looked at mom and I
says, If that happens, I'm nevertouching this thing again.
I'm just telling you.
And so she did, we did ourlittle thing, and she asked the

(32:02):
question, and it wasn't longbefore that ball rolled off the
couch.
I backed away from it and Isaid, I'm done.
I'm never touching this thing,don't ever ask me again, and I
never did.
That was it.
It was crazy, it was actuallykind of spooky when you think

(32:25):
about what you're really doingis you're inviting that spirit
into your home.
And so I refused.
Mom did put it away, and and Idon't think she ever got it out
again.
I would have liked it better ifshe'd have thrown it away, but

(32:47):
I think she just threw it in thecloset or something.
Um, but you know, mom was Ilove my mother for the good
things that she did, for thegood things she taught me.
She was a great primary teacherwhen she was in the church.
Um, I would help her get someof her uh primary handouts ready

(33:08):
because she would tracepictures for the kids to to
color in and stuff.
And so I would help her dothat.
And while I was doing that, shewould go over the lesson and
share with me the stories thatshe was going to tell and that
kind of thing.
So, in that respect, Iliterally was taught at my
mother's knee for a lot of that.

(33:29):
She taught me how to keephouse, she taught me all my
survival skills, she taught mehow to throw a meal together
before I was really old enoughto cook.
But just in case I had to, Icould do it.
She taught me the beginnings ofhow to sew.
Um, I remember one of the firstthings she helped me make was a
dress.
And I can still remember thatdress and see the fabric in my

(33:53):
mind.
She made me take home ex sothat I would learn all the
rules.
And then after I learned therules, she could teach me how to
break those rules and stillaccomplish what I wanted to do.
Uh, she also quilted and shetaught me how to quilt.
Um, she taught I made my firstThai quilt when I was a freshman

(34:15):
in high school for a schoolproject.
How crazy is that?
And um I still have that.
It was a Thai quilt because Ididn't have time to quilt-quilt
it, but then she taught meanother quilt, how to hand
quilt.
And she later gave me thatquilt too for Christmas.
She bound it and finished it.

(34:35):
And so, you know, I love mymother for all the good things
that she gave me and all thegood things that she taught me.
Um, but you know, there weresome quirks for sure.
To say the least.

So hey, nobody's nobody's perfect, right?

Well, that's right.
Most definitely.
Um, and it makes for goodstorytelling, too.

Yeah, for sure.
Um I can see how, like, withwith the you being close to the
spirit, you know, that could beeven more amplified.
I could see why you'd be scaredof something like that for
sure.

Yeah, yeah.
It um, yeah.
I didn't I try not to thinkabout it too much then, but when
I as I got older and lookedback on it, um it it really
became evident of what adangerous thing that is to even

(35:38):
to even play around with it uhbecause of the ramifications.
Yeah.
So fast forward, um, after mystake mission, I then
participate, apply for andparticipate in the Hilcomora
pageant up in Palmyra back whenthey still had that.
And that was absolutelyamazing.

(36:02):
It was one of the most amazingexperiences of my life.
Um I've the the one thing I'lljust say about that was when we
were on the hill during theyearning scene, and that's when
Christ comes out.
And our director, Dr.

(36:23):
Cedar Holmes, says, now yourfirst inclination is going to be
to run up that hill toward theSavior.
He says, and I'm telling younow, don't do it.
Stay put, stay in your placewhere you're supposed to be, and
only move when you're supposedto move.
He says, But I tell you thisjust so that you're prepared.

(36:46):
And then they because duringrehearsals, they don't bring him
out at all until our dressrehearsal.
And during the dress rehearsalat the end, which is called the
yearning scene, then they bringhim out.
And he was right.
Oh my goodness, when you seehim ascend down from the

(37:09):
heavens, what it looks like fromthe heavens, right?
You want to run as fast as youcan up there, because for that
split second, just for thatmoment, you really think that
that's the savior, and youreally think that he's come to
see you.
And um I will never forget thatthat time.

(37:32):
And the only other thing thatI'll I'll share with you on
that, which was just oh, sotender and so endearing, um, we
were backstage on the one sidewhere the restrooms were, and
one of the mothers um wasbringing their little boys up to
go, and he turns around, and itwas right after the pastoral

(37:56):
Christ scene.
And so this elder who wasportraying that part of the
savior, he comes off stage, theyjust finished it, and the
little boy looks down and says,Look, mommy, there is Jesus, and
he runs up to him, and thissweet elder just picks him up,

(38:20):
kneels down, picks him up, andsets him on his knee, and just
talks to him for a minute.
And I thought, wow, what athing for that elder to do.
I thought, you know, thatlittle boy, I bet never forgot
that.
And at that point in his life,there's no question that he

(38:42):
believed that that was Jesus.
But I thought that was just oneof the sweetest things I'd ever
seen.

That's cute.

So it was it was uh really wonderful.
So I come back from that and umI go back to work and I
eventually moved to Clearwater,which is 20 miles away from
Tampa, on the other side of thecoast, on the other side of the
Tampa Bay.

(39:11):
And um, I eventually meet um myhusband.
He was back in my old ward,actually, and he was in the Air
Force, and we started dating andgot married in 1982, and um
moved over to Patrick Air ForceBase, which is on the other

(39:33):
coast, the east far east coastof Florida, not far from where
Cape Canaveral is.
So right on the right on theocean.
And only we were on the beachside, not as opposed to the Cape
Canaveral side.
So we got to see the firstnighttime launch from the Cape,

(39:53):
which was very cool.
And I I led the space program,so that was very cool.
Um Went to actually go over tothe Cape on another occasion to
watch a launch go up because hewas part of the honor guard and
they were doing some things thatday.
And uh that was also very cool.
And so then we got word ofgetting a transfer.

(40:17):
And so there were, because ofhis unit, there were only a few
places that he could go.
And so we were given threedifferent choices.
Uh, one was Hawaii, one wasDenver, and I want to say I
don't remember where the otherone was.
So, but uh there was a thirdchoice.

(40:39):
We chose Denver because we knewHawaii financially was just
going to be too expensive.
Because just before we wouldhave gone to Hawaii doesn't mean
his income would have gone upenough to afford that.
So we stayed stateside and umwent to Denver.
And during that time, um I gota part-time job um teaching

(41:05):
preschool just before we left,and then after moving to Denver,
I went to work full-time.
And the other thing that wasgoing on was the Denver temple
was under construction.

Now I will tell you (41:17):
if you want your marriage to start
spiraling and going througheverything it can go through to
try and tear you apart, move towhere a temple is being built.
It is guaranteed to happen.

(41:37):
Even though, in spite of that,he decided he wanted to go check
out the building site during ablizzard.
So we got in the car and wedrove in this blizzard out to
see where the temple was beingbuilt.
We found it and it was verymuch under construction.

(42:01):
I don't even think the angelMoroni was on top yet, but we
could tell it was a temple, andit was really quite cool, and it
was really very cool that itwas his idea and that he wanted
to do that.
And but as time went on, um,during that, uh our you know,

(42:24):
things started to happen, ourmarriage just fell apart.
Um, I can't even tell you whatall happened, other than he
started to withdraw.
Um he stopped going to church,um, stopped wearing his
garments.
Um, all the things that, youknow, hopefully will keep you

(42:48):
active and keep you engaged, um,he quit doing.
And there was one particularday that I'd gone to church by
myself.
I'd been doing that for awhile, and it had been kind of
an emotional day for me forwhatever reason.
Um, our lessons were great.

(43:09):
Um, the spirit was reallystrong.
And I came home, and as I camehome and I'm walking up the
stairs to the front porch to thefront door, and I'm ready to
open the front door.
It was as if I could turn myhead and see the spirit leave my

(43:34):
body and walk away.
I felt it leave, and I thought,okay, I know I haven't done
anything wrong between thechurch and here.
So, what is so wrong in thathouse that the spirit can't go

(43:54):
in there?
And that was that was probablyscarier than any of the other
stuff that I had gone throughalready.
And um, so I went in, andnothing seemed to be wrong, but

(44:15):
again, he by that time he wasjust not communicating really,
other than the surface stuff andthe everyday stuff, um, and
talking about work and all ofthat.
Finally, some things hadhappened and things came to a
head.
And um, I had been prayingabout what to do, and I didn't

(44:39):
want to do what I was gettingthe impression to do.
And I finally told HenleyFather, if I'm supposed to
leave, like I'm feeling like I'msupposed to do, then you got to
give me the words because Ican't say it.
And that very whatever day thatwas, I finished from that

(45:02):
prayer, came out, and I sat downin the chair, and I literally
opened my mouth, and as I didthat, the words just came out.
And um, so we talked about it alittle bit, and you know, I
didn't feel like I had any otherchoice.

(45:24):
I, you know, he wasn't willingto do what I thought we needed
to do, which was to go counselwith the bishop, which I did on
my own, to get marriagecounseling.
I was willing to do that ifyou'd have gone.
And my bishop, bless his heart,he said he said he had been
approved to tell people this ifit was appropriate, that if

(45:50):
their marriage wasn't takingthem where they needed it to go,
then they needed to changetheir situation.
And um, as much as I didn'twant to do that, I knew that's
what I had to do.
So I went and found anapartment, I moved out, um moved

(46:11):
into this little dinkyapartment, and we got our
marriage dissolved, and lifechanged again.
And so, over during that time,though, prior to that, um, we
talked about marriage aboutmiscarriages.

(46:32):
About a year, less just under ayear, I started getting
pregnant.
And that first pregnancy umended very early on, very early.
In fact, most most don't evenknow that they're pregnant, but
I knew, I knew when I knew whenI conceived, I knew where we,

(46:58):
you know, I could have the nextone I could have told him,
honey, we're having a baby.
It was, I just knew.
And um, so when that loss came,that one was a really hard one.
Um, it was physically difficultand um and stuff, and the

(47:23):
doctor, you know, couldn't, ofcourse, give any reason other
than that happens.
And so then I for the nextcouple of years continued to get
pregnant and miscarry and getpregnant and miscarry until I'd
had six miscarriages.

(47:44):
Wow, and yeah, it's a lot, andit was and it's hard, it still
is.
Now I know as long as I keepdoing what I'm supposed to do,
and I know that I will stillhave those children in the
attorney.
I know that, but it's stillhard because there's never the

(48:05):
thing about miscarriage, is thatthere's never any closure, you
never get closure, you survivethem, um, but you never really
get over them because you neverhave any closure, and so for a
long time, um I could feel themnearby, and I would know when

(48:30):
one or two of them would bearound or when all of them was
around.
They would stay with me for avery long time.
I think it was to help me getthrough to where I could
actually move on.
Um I they all have names, whichI'll keep to myself.
Um, other than the other thanmy daughter, I would have had

(48:54):
five boys and one girl.
I would have had four boys, agirl, and then a boy.
A lot of boys.
Yeah, I know a lot of boys.
And the interesting thing aboutthe girl is when I was thinking
about her name, and I was inthe shower, and I was thinking

(49:15):
about her and her name, and Ihad chosen um either Hannah
Elizabeth or Sarah Elizabeth.
And I could hear her, and tothis day I can still hear her
voice say, My name is Hannah.
Are you sure?
Are you sure it's not SarahElizabeth?

(49:37):
My name is Hannah.
All righty then.
Hannah, it is.
And so that was, and that'sstill very comforting to me.
Um all of those are verycomforting to me in that way.
Have I gotten over them?

(49:59):
No.
Have I survived them?
Yes.
Do I look forward to the daywhen I hope they will be with
me?
Absolutely.
So I still always have thathope of in the eternities.
I know it won't be this life,but I know in the eternities
that I will have my children.
Um so um after that, of course,after our marriage dissolves

(50:29):
and I move on, and I I date alot when I decide I'm ready to
do that.
And but I don't I don't eventhink about really getting
married again.
And then 14 years later, Imeet, I do meet someone and I do

(50:53):
get married again.
Um and but sadly that did notlast either.
And so I had moved then fromCalifor from Colorado, then to
California, and um met where Iwas working, I met this lady up

(51:16):
in HR, and she handled all thenew uh orientation and
employment packets and all thethings, the earthquake kits that
you get when you start a newjob out there.
And I'm like, really?
Yes.
Um, at your desk, you had alittle earthquake kit.

(51:37):
Really?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Because just in case there wasa flashlight, there would be um
protein bars, water, I forgetwhat else.
But it was a packet about yaybig, and you had to keep it in
your desk, and then they wouldcome around so often, and they

(51:59):
would replace everything in themand keep them fresh because you
never knew.
Um, you never knew when youwere gonna have a rolling
blackout, which would happen,and so yeah, you had to have
those kits.
It was it was quite a stunner,though, for me the first time I
had that.
It's like, whoo! But anyway, II became friends with this lady

(52:22):
in HR.
Come to find out that she was amember of the church, so I
became friends with her and herhusband, and they eventually
moved to Utah, and they talkedme into coming down to Utah and
just seeing, just checking itout.
Well, you need to understandthere were two places I never

(52:45):
ever wanted to live in.
One was California and two wasUtah.
I just never wanted to livethere.
I've never cared about you,California, and sure enough, I
end up there, and I've neverwanted to live in Utah because
if you'll pardon my expression,there were too many Mormons.

(53:07):
True, that's the way I felt.
I didn't want to live there,and I thought, well, the Lord
has a sense of humor, doesn'the?
He told me you moved to Utah.
And not only did he have it,but he had a bigger sense of
humor because where I moved wasclose, which I didn't really

(53:32):
realize until I got settled inthere, that it wasn't uncommon
for buildings to be really closetogether and sometimes share
the same parking lot.
And the ward building that Iwent to shared the same parking
lot with another ward building.
So then I knew the Lord reallyhad a sense of humor.

(53:52):
And uh, but I I learned to tolike Utah.
Um if I had to choose betweenUtah and Colorado, I would still
pick Colorado any day of theweek because you just can't beat
the Colorado Rockies.
I'm sorry.

They just they are pretty nice.

The Colorado Rockies are just they're the
best.
Um so I had lived in down insouthern Utah for about a year
and a half and um end up movingto Provo because we had the

(54:35):
construction crash, housingcrash down there.
And um, I just couldn't affordwith the job I had, I couldn't
survive down there.
So I moved up to Provo becauseI was told it was a little less
expensive, and parts of it wasand parts of it wasn't.
And so I moved up there and umbought a condo and lived up

(55:00):
there for a number of years, Iguess almost nine years.
And it was while I was livingup there that I got hit with my
first round of skin cancer, andthat was on the heels of being
called as relief societypresident.
Oh man.

(55:21):
And so I thought, oh great.
Um, and that was a reallyinteresting time because I was
sitting in sacrament meeting andwe were getting a new bishop in
the ward, and all of a sudden,I turned around and I looked at
at um our relief societypresident, and I thought, oh

(55:43):
man, she's gonna be releasedbecause that's her husband, the
new bishop.
And I just had thisoverwhelming feeling that I was
gonna be called.
And I started to weep, openlysob because I'm thinking, no,
no, no, no, no.

(56:04):
And this friend of mine who'ssitting next to me, she was
visiting from the stakes, shewas from the stake primary, I
think she was stake primarypresident, and she didn't know
what was going on, and I didn'tsay anything, she just put her
arm around me, and um so I I butI knew that that's what was

(56:24):
gonna happen.
And the following, so thatbetween that week and the
following week, I prayed aboutit and prayed about it and
prayed about it, and I said, ifthis is true, then I need to
know who my counselors aresupposed to be, and pondered on
that.
And I was shown in my mind whomy two counselors were supposed

(56:48):
to be, and one of them I did notknow, I just saw her face.
So I had to go into the warddirectory and I went online and
I went through every singlecontact in there that and that
had pictures, hoping that theirpicture, her picture was in
there.
Found her picture because Irecognized her, stopped, found

(57:11):
out what her name was, and wroteher name and the other
counselor's name on a piece ofpaper, put them on two pieces of
paper, folded them up and putthem in my purse and left them
there.
And I forgot about it.
Next Sunday, go to church, Isee my bishop, we chat.
He doesn't say anything aboutmeeting with me or anything.

(57:34):
And so I go home, I go, I don'tknow what that was, but I think
I just dodged a major bullet.
Whatever that was, glad that'sover.
Well, about two weeks later,and the executive secretary
calls, Sister Speck, the bishopwould like to see you in his in

(57:55):
his office.
Can you get here in about 15minutes?
Okay, so I go and I meet withhim and we chit-chat for a few,
and then he extends the call,and I go, So it's really true.
He says, Yeah, it's really true.
And uh so I eventually I pullout those two pieces of paper

(58:20):
and I hand him one of them, andhe looks at those names, he
says, Those are good names.
He says, Well, that's who I wastold, told.
And so then it was another, Ithink, week before I found my
secretary.
And again, I didn't know hereither, but I knew she lived in

(58:40):
my complex, but I didn't know, Ididn't really know her, so I
found out who she was andsubmitted her as she was called,
and uh that was an interestingjourney and an interesting
experience, and one of the mosthumbling experiences I've ever

(59:00):
had.
Um, but there were someamazing, amazing experiences um
working with one family who's umwas having a baby and finding
out that that baby would notsurvive.

(59:23):
And um working with them andthen attending that little
baby's funeral, and and justgetting to know that couple and
how strong they were and howwhat stalwarts they were and
still are.
Um it was so it was very itstrengthened my testimony

(59:47):
immensely to um share that timewith them.
Um it was it was a wonderfultime.
So, about a year and a halflater, maybe.
Little more than that.
I'm reading in one of my oldjournals and seeing in there

(01:00:07):
that I had written that I wouldmove back to southern Utah if
given the opportunity.
And I'm thinking, well, thatsounds great, but I'm dealing
with this skin cancer thing, andI'm really society president.
So I they take care of the skincancer.

(01:00:30):
They think they've got it all.
It heals up.
It was not pretty.
It was not fun.
Um, for anyone who's ever hadthat, and especially if it's on
their face, it's it's really notfun because I had a what looked
like a zit, a giant zit on theside of my nose.

(01:00:51):
And um after it was removed, Ihad this, they had taken skin
from up here in my forehead andmade like a tube and attached it
so blood could get down thereto flow in there and heal that.
Well, there is nothing worsethan going into a store and

(01:01:15):
scaring a child because of theway you look.
It was horrible.
I felt so bad.
And um, I thought, man, neveragain.
So I was very I was even morecareful about when I went
shopping.
And I tried to go either late,late, late at night or early,

(01:01:39):
early, early in the morning.
Um, but that was that wasattached to me for for a while
while that uh was healing.
Um, so I was grateful when thatpart came off.
So I thought that that was allbehind me.
And so I made the decision toum move back down to southern

(01:02:04):
Utah.
Now that was going to be aninteresting transition because I
was also working umtechnically, it was a contract
job because I had lost my otherjob through a layoff at a um at
a center for develop notdevelopmental uh troubled youth.

(01:02:28):
And uh because of theircutbacks, they had to let staff
go, and so I'd been laid off andhad finally gotten a contract
job to be able to continueworking.
They had reached a point towhere they let us go home and
work remotely.

(01:02:50):
So I talked to my boss to findout if I could do this job from
anywhere, and they said, yes,you can do that from anywhere.
And so I started going back andforth to check out real estate
down in the St.
George area and try and findsomeplace else to live and buy.

(01:03:15):
And in the meantime, I'm stilldoing my other job, uh, you
know, during the week.
Um, but I had also uhreconnected with my brother.
He and I had been estranged formany years, like it'd been
probably 38 years that we hadn'tspoken.

(01:03:36):
Yeah, it was a long time, andwe had just fallen apart.
I mean, you know, justdisconnected and never stayed
close, that kind of thing.
And um, I had been trying tofind him, and it was a cousin
who found me because she hadsome things that she had gotten

(01:03:59):
from her uncle, who was thebrother to my grandfather, was
my grandfather's brother.
And after he had passed away,they had gotten a bunch of
stuff, and in there was somethings that we believe had
belonged to my grandmother andmy great-grandmother.

(01:04:20):
And so she felt like somebodyon that side of the family
should get those items.
So she looked and looked andlooked through Facebook and
however way she found me, shefound me and contacted me.
Um, so she could send me those,that box of items.

(01:04:41):
And there was like littlecookbooks, recipes, um,
pillowcases that had beenembroidered, doilies that had
been crocheted, those just thosekinds of things.
And and a few pictures, notmuch, but a few.
And um in the process of her,me meeting her, she helped me

(01:05:03):
find my brother because we keptgoing through Facebook.
I says, Well, I've looked athis picture before, but I wasn't
sure if that was really him ornot.
And she's looking, she says,That's him.
She says, I'm sure that's him.
So, okay.
So I reached out to him, Iasked him, I says, Are you Dale

(01:05:24):
Speck?
Da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
And he says, Yeah, it's me.
I and so we got connected backup.
I called him one day, and hisson happened to be there, and I
hadn't seen his son since he wasa baby, and by this time he was
an adult.
And he gets on the phone withus, and he says, You know,

(01:05:44):
what's really funny is that umwe've been trying to find you
for the last three months.
That's crazy.
And so I just kind of felt liketiming was right for us to get
reconnected, and so we startedtalking again and started
calling each other.

(01:06:05):
And um, long story short, Ifound another place to live,
sold my condo, moved down backdown to southern Utah, and found
a job uh down there after I gotthey canceled my contract after

(01:06:26):
about a year of me being donein St.
George.
I was able to keep workinguntil 2015.
And they said, we're not gonnarenew your contract after the
end of the month.
And so March of 2016, I startedworking at the Utah

(01:06:49):
Distribution Center for FamilyDollar, and during that time, I
was watching TV and saw an adfor DNA test through uh
Ancestry.
And so again, I had thisthought this you need to order a
DNA test.
Go order it right now.

(01:07:10):
So I get up, I go get my creditcard, order my test.
It comes, I submit my cheekswab, wait the six weeks, and
get my results.
I open my results and I'mlooking through my all my DNA
stuff, and then I look at mymatches.

(01:07:32):
Um, and lo and behold, I do didhave a sister.
Because my my grandmother hadtold me years before that she
thought that our birth motherhad had a third child, and she
thought it was a girl, but shecouldn't remember all the
details, other than she wasgiven up for adoption right at

(01:07:55):
birth.
And so as I'm thinking aboutthat, as I'm opening those
matches up, and right at the topof the list with a 98% chance
of highly related, probably asibling or half-sibling.
And so I look at her stuff, Ilook at the her DNA stuff, and I

(01:08:20):
shoot off a message to her.
And she said that she neverlooked at her email at work.
And she said, that particularday she had her phone and she
was with another coworker, andshe went in and she checked her
email and saw my message.
And she said, I'm standingthere in the hall, and I just I
my hands start to shake.

(01:08:41):
And her coworker asked her whatwas wrong, and she says, I
think I just found my sister,and so she um sends me a quick
message back and says, you know,we've got to be sisters.
I'm at work, I'll write moretonight after I get home on my
computer, and that was all shesaid.

(01:09:03):
So she gets home that night,she sends me another email,
gives me more information, Isend her back more information.
We eventually um set a time tomeet on the telephone um to
talk.
And I think I I think Isuggested that we go ahead and

(01:09:25):
we we did.
We did a three-way call betweenmy brother and her and I.
And the three of us could meetat once.
And that was very cool.
And the thing that that wasreally interesting was when she
laughed, she laughed like ourbirth mother.
So we knew, yeah, you're her,you're our sister, because you

(01:09:49):
laughed just like her.
And um, yeah, it was reallyneat.
So another, so in 2018, Ithink, I came out here to
Indiana to meet her for thefirst time, and then to connect
up with Dale, because Dale onlylived about a couple hours away

(01:10:12):
in Tennessee from where Susanlived.
So we got together and I stayedwith Susan and Bob, her
partner, and we got together umthat week to have brunch or
whatever, because my brothersaid, Well, I'll come see you,
but I'm only gonna stay formaybe an hour or so because I

(01:10:33):
can't stay that long, whatever.
I thought, okay, whatever.
And I'm thinking, but wehaven't seen each other for
probably by then about 40 years.
So we get together and he endsup staying for about four hours.
That's awesome.
So I thought that was prettygood.
And um, he took pictures.
Actually, Bob took the picturesbecause Bob was a retired

(01:10:57):
photojournalist, so he got hisbig old hawking camera out and
took all of our pictures for us,and um, I did not know it then,
but that would be the last timeI would get to see my brother.
Um, 2020 comes, and in themeantime, we still we maintain

(01:11:19):
that connection.
He and I are talking every day.
Um, I would talk on my way homefrom I would call him in the
mornings because I worked thirdshift, and I would call him
every day.
And um Susan and I maintainedcontact and we were getting to
know each other, and uh then wethere was one day when I called

(01:11:45):
my brother and I didn't didn'tget him, and that wasn't
necessarily unusual, but it wasum it was unusual that he didn't
call me back, and so I calledhim again the next day, and he

(01:12:07):
didn't call me back.
I thought now that's reallyodd.
And so Friday came and hedidn't call me back, so I knew
something was definitely wrong,and so I called the sheriff's
local sheriff's department, andI asked him to do a welfare
check, and so they did, and theyfound him and he had was

(01:12:34):
deceased, and um from what theysaid, they think he got
something to drink, put it onthe counter, sat down on the
couch, and passed away.
I think he had a stroke.
The last time I spoke to him,his I could tell he wasn't there

(01:12:57):
was something wrong, but hejust said he was just tired, but
he was flurring his words, andhis speech wasn't real clear,
which is always a sign ofusually a stroke.
And his son thinks he had aheart attack.
I still maintain it was astroke.
Either way, it involved histicker.

(01:13:18):
Uh and so I came back before wehad a little funeral for him,
and his son had him cremated,and uh, you know, there's not a
day that doesn't go by.
I still miss him, still thinkabout him every day, and uh I

(01:13:39):
had a um an interesting thing.
I'll just share a couple ofother uh other experiences.
Um when I was in Provo, I hadgone to the temple shortly after

(01:14:00):
I moved there with a friend ofmine, and she only had time to
do um initiatories.
So we we went and did aninitiatory session, and all the
sisters, the five that I had,were all from the same city in
Italy.
And I'm sitting there, and wedid the first two sisters, and

(01:14:21):
as I'm sitting there waiting forthe third sister, I felt my dad
come in to the booth, and Ithought, Dad, what are you doing
here?
And I knew it, I knew it washim, and I thought, Dad, what
are you doing here?
And about that time, theordinance worker comes in and we

(01:14:42):
do this third sister, and um, Ifelt her there, and after that,
I felt them both leave.
And the thought came to me thathe was allowed to be there
because he had taught her thegospel on the other side, and

(01:15:03):
that he was allowed to be therebecause I was doing her
initiatory, and then he couldescort her to the next her next
place, and so after Dale passedaway, there were I thought about
him a lot, and I could neversay I lost my brother.

(01:15:26):
I just could never say thosewords, I couldn't say he died,
it was always he passed away,and the thought would come,
Dale's not lost.
I know where he is, he's on theother side, and I knew he was
probably learning and changingand doing whatever it is that

(01:15:49):
they do over there in his in hisplace, because I knew he had a
lot of learning to do because hedidn't stay active, but he was
always very spiritual.
He had many of the same giftsthat I had, um, with the bail
and and that sort of thing.
And I I was thinking about himone day and had the distinct

(01:16:14):
impression that he is with dad,and dad is showing him the ropes
and teaching him, and that he'sgonna be able to teach others
over there.
And after I had that, I didn'tworry about him anymore because
I knew what he was doing, andeven now, when I think about

(01:16:36):
other people, and people talkabout losing their relatives or
their friends or whatever, Ithink they're not lost, they're
still just on the other side,they're just not here, and um,
it really gave me a totallydifferent perspective about life

(01:16:56):
after this life, and um sothose are just some of the
wonderful things that havehappened.
And during the time, so duringthat time, and I'm living down
there, um I get I have somethings going on health-wise, to

(01:17:19):
where I have to go to the doctoragain, and I knew something was
seriously wrong.
So I go to my gynecologist, andI have to have a DNC done
because of what was going on,and I knew she knew it was
cancer, but she wouldn't tell meuntil after that surgery was

(01:17:40):
done, till they, because thatwas the only way they could
diagnose it.
So they get it diagnosed, andshe calls me back into her
office, and I say it's I tellher it's cancer, isn't it?
She says, Yeah.
She says, but we caught itearly, so you don't have to have
chemo, just some radiation,total hysterectomy, and boom,

(01:18:03):
you're done.
Okay.
So I make all the arrangements.
Um I mean, not that it was easyto think about and do all that,
because I had to do it all bymyself, right?
But you just do it.
You just you do it.
And um before I um I had a Ihad a priesthood blessing before

(01:18:27):
I had the DNC.
I called a couple of men in myward that could come and do that
that weren't working.
And they come in, and I didn'tknow either one of them very
well.
Um, but they lived in mycomplex.
I lived in a retirementcommunity, and they came in and
they go, So, Sister Speck, tellus again what this is, all this

(01:18:50):
is going on.
And and I'm thinking, oh,Henley Father, really, I don't
know these men, and I have totalk about this kind of stuff.
Really?
And I thought I thought, okay,they have wives, they have
daughters.
Just tell them.

(01:19:10):
So I tell them.
And um, and then at one point Ilooked over at Wolf.
I can't remember his last nameanymore.
Um, he was this German fellowin our war, German brother, and
had the accent to go with it,but I looked over at him, and
for some reason, the look in hiseyes, I will never forget.

(01:19:33):
Sorry, that feeling of justtotal, pure, Christ like love
emanating from him.
I never felt that before fromanybody, and so it was really
that was a new feeling for me,and um so we talked.

(01:19:59):
Little bit more, and so thenthey give me that priesthood
blessing.
And then Brother Jackson looksat me and he says, You know,
when I go into people's homes togive them blessings, I always
talk about faith and theimportance of faith and um how
that plays a role in in whatthey're what we're doing.

(01:20:22):
He says, but I don't have to dothat here because your faith is
good.
Um I don't need to to do that,to talk to you about that.
Well, what he doesn't didn'tknow was that that was always
something that I always prayedfor before every priesthood
blessing.

(01:20:42):
Is I always prayed to havesufficient faith to understand
and um what I would be told andum to have the faith to be
healed and you know whatever thecontents of the blessing were
going to be.
And so that was something I wasvery grateful for, and feel

(01:21:03):
like that that's very much agift that I've been given.
Um so I go in, I take care ofthe cancer.
Um, I'm in the midst of gettingready to have radiation, and
there's a problem with myincision.

(01:21:24):
And I by that time, because ithad been a few weeks, and my
other doctor had taken out allthe stitches, and everything on
the outside appeared to behealing the way it was supposed
to.
I mean, it wasn't completelyhealed up, but it was working on
it.

(01:21:44):
Um, but I was still in a lot ofpain and an unusually large
amount of pain to the pointwhere just standing up was very
laborious and extremely painful.
Um and just just this, it wasjust the labor.

(01:22:05):
And um the the pain pills werenot doing their job.
And so my when I went in for myconsult for my radiation, he he
he looks at that and he says,that really doesn't look very
good.
And he says, You need to go tothe wound clinic because this

(01:22:28):
looks like it's infected orsomething's going on.
So he gives me all theinformation for the wound
clinic, and but he says hewanted me to see my gynecologist
first, and which I had anappointment the next day.
So I went and saw her, and shecalls the wound clinic, not
understanding why he wouldn'tjust send me straight over

(01:22:50):
there, and he said he wanted youto see me first.
So she calls, pushes them toget me in because they said they
didn't have any openings.
She says, No, that's not goodenough.
She's got to be seen today.
So they squeeze me in, and Istart going to see them like
four times a week for quite awhile, and then it goes down,

(01:23:16):
tapers down as things arehealing.
What we didn't know was theinner incision under the outer
incision had a gaping, a gape ofabout two, two and a half
inches that was not healing.
Because what was happening ismy body was rejecting those

(01:23:37):
dissolving stitches, so theywere shooting them out, and I
didn't know what was coming out.
And I just oh, probably alittle stitch here and there.
We were just coming out likecrazy.
Was like a zipper, it was likethat zipper was being unzipped.
And huh?
Yikes, yikes, yikes for sure.

(01:23:57):
So they're treating me forthat.
My wound care doctor isn't realhappy with the rate that it's
doing, and arranges for when theplastic surgeon comes down to
from Salt Lake to for me to seehim for a consult.
And I see the plastic surgeon,and he says, Well, we have two

(01:24:23):
options.
One, I can go in and repair it,and you'll have a wound back
attached for a few weeks, or youcan let it go for another
couple weeks and see what to seewhat happens.
Because you know, it's onlyrecommended that you only have
one surgery a year at most.
And I'd already had two.

(01:24:45):
And little did he know what Ihad coming down the pike because
it would be many more.
So that kind of got to be kindof a funny joke to me.
And so my wound care doctordecided let's just wait a couple
more weeks.
Maybe there'll be a turnaround.
Well, I was very grateful tosay that it did, and I'm

(01:25:07):
grateful to say that I took hisadvice.
Um, and it finally did take theturn and and start to heal, and
finally did heal up.
But it took a few more monthsfor that to completely heal.
Well, just as that finishes,literally the day that my wound

(01:25:28):
care doctor would have releasedme from his care, and I'm back
in the hospital because I haveskin cancer again, this time on
the inside of my nose, mynostril.
And it was a more aggressiveform of basal cell.
Basil cell, in and of itself,is typically not

(01:25:52):
life-threatening at all, but itstill had to be treated.
Well, I had the best surgeon inthe country living in St.
George, Utah, Dr.
Gardner.
Wonderful member of the churchand amazing doctor and surgeon.
So he saw me and did surgery,and come to find out it was

(01:26:18):
going to um include at least sixmore surgeries.
That's a lot.
Yeah.
And he didn't say the words,and I didn't find out that
that's actually what was goingto happen as far as how much was
coming off of my nose.
But I saw it later and aftersubsequent visits on a piece of

(01:26:44):
paper that they actuallyamputated my nose, and then he
rebuilt it.
Wow.
Yeah.
It was a good thing he neverused the word amputation, or I
think I would have completelylost it.
Right.
Um, because when I got the newsthat it had come back, I was

(01:27:05):
sitting in my car outside of mycredit union and I just lost it.
And I started talking to HemleyFather and says, Hemley Father,
I'm done.
I I know I'm not ready to go,but I just take me home and I'll
suffer the consequences.
I'll accept whatever you wantto dish out.

(01:27:26):
Because I said, I'm just not, II don't I don't want to do
this, I can't do it.
I can't do it again.
And I'm sitting there crying,and he says, You can do this,
and you will do this.
You are not done there yet.

(01:27:46):
So okay.
So I I go through another sixsurgeries that span over the
course of the next severalmonths, and um he but Dr.
Gardner was so good and sopatient, and he never let me be

(01:28:10):
in pain.
He gave me really goodpainkillers.
Um really good ones, let metell you.
And uh in fact, one of Did youhave a similar well yes, yes, I
did.
I had another one, and thatwhen he told me he was gonna
have to do that, I just went,Oh, really?

(01:28:31):
Please, no, is there no otherway?
I did, I literally said thosewords, and he says, No, there is
no other way.
And um, but his was neater interms of the way it looked, if
that's possible.
But I still didn't like it.

(01:28:52):
And um during one of the afterone of the other surgery,
subsequent surgeries that he hadto do, um, I did have to have a
wound vac that was attached uphere.
Uh, I don't know if you've everseen a wound vac or know what
that is, but they attached thisthing to the area, and in my

(01:29:16):
case, it was up here in myforehead, and it has a hose
hooked on to this contraptionthat is in a carrier case that
drains all the yuck and all thebad stuff out, and it gets
dumped into this canister thingthat you have that you're

(01:29:41):
carrying around with you andsleeping with you 24 hours a
day.
And yeah, not fun, which youcan understand why I was most
grateful that with the otherproblem with my other surgical
incision that I chose not tohave that surgery and have a

(01:30:04):
wound back attached.
Yeah, just saying, yeah.

Emily Hemmert (01:30:09):
So could you drive with that?

Leilani Speck (01:30:12):
Oh yeah, had to do all of that.
Um, I I didn't go to workthough.
I was on I was on leave anddisability because I just I
couldn't, I couldn't do Icouldn't do it.
And so I was on short-termdisability with that.
Um particular, and I was onmost of the others.

(01:30:34):
I was on for a off work inbetween those surgeries.
But with that one, I was offwork for a while.
Um, because I just couldn't, Ihave friends of mine did all my
grocery shopping for me, so Ididn't have to go into stores or
because I just the thought ofme going into a store and

(01:30:55):
scaring another child.
Um, I was more than I couldhandle.
I just said I can't do that,and so I had wonderful friends,
wonderful visiting teachers.
My one visiting teacher umbrought me uh lunch every day.
She worked at the school, soshe brought me leftovers, so I

(01:31:17):
was very well fed, and um yeah,so I had lots and lots of help
that way.
So eventually I healed fromthat and um have all of those
surgeries, and then about umDecember, end of November,

(01:31:40):
December of the next year,because it went clear into 2018,
um, I was having troublesfeeling like I was getting
enough air because this was sosmall inside my nose.
And even now I have one nostrilthat's a bit smaller than the

(01:32:04):
other side, and so um, I mean, Ibreathe fine.
And if you think my oxygenlevels, the levels are good, but
it just I get out of breatheasily, not as not as bad as it
used to be, because I had thesetwo final or three final
surgeries, and he said he didn'treally want to, he knew what he

(01:32:28):
could do to help.
He said it's a very riskysurgery, he said, because it
could go very badly.
Um, and if it went very badly,you could be severely deformed.
So you really got to thinkabout this and make sure it's
what you want to do.
He says, I can do it, and I'lldo it if you really want to.

(01:32:52):
And so I took some more time,prayed about it, and really laid
it out there for HeavenlyFather.
I says, you know, I can keepdoing what I'm doing, but I'm
not gonna, you know, I'm alwaysgonna be sucking up air, I feel
like.
And he said, No, you need to doit.
So um we scheduled that, and Ididn't worry as much about it

(01:33:16):
because I had Dr.
Gardner, the best in thecountry, and he was ranked best
in the country.
So I'm not saying that becausehe was my doctor, I mean that it
was true.
And um, and then I think he hadto follow up with one or two
little ones to just fine-tuneeverything else, which was

(01:33:40):
always common.
And um, and it it's better.
Um, it'll never it'll be ahundred percent at the time of
the resurrection.
I'll just say that.
Um, until then, you know, Ihave ups and downs with it, but
it's all good.
And so yeah, um, that's kind ofmy story.

Scott Brandley (01:34:02):
Um that's amazing.

I love your faith that to act on to like pray and
act on the answers that youget.

Yeah, I'm really um I really feel blessed about
that.
Um I've been given a lot.
You've been through a lot ofpeople.

Well, especially with all the trials.

Yeah, you've been go ahead.
I've been through a lot, and Iknow um in your notes that we
had, it's like you something youdidn't mention is that you've
been in like six car accidentsor something.

Yeah, I forgot about that.
On top of everything else thatwe've talked about.
I could touch on that briefly.
Um yeah, I just it was almostlike I would have I started
having a this one car accident,and then within a span of about
five or six years, I can'tremember the exact time.

(01:34:59):
It was either five or sixyears, I had a total of about
six car accidents.

Yeah, that's a lot.

Yeah.
And one of them I had gottenwhiplash pretty good, and um, I
still suffer with um headachesin the back of my head from that
occasionally, and those can getkind of severe.
Um, but fortunately I don't getthem very often, and when I do,
they most of the time theydon't last too terribly long.

(01:35:31):
Um, I don't have any umpermanent damage, let's say, per
se, in the same way that otherpeople might have.
Um, I've always had backproblems, I've always had you
know those kinds of things, butso I've seen a chiropractor for
a lot of years, and certainlythey've kept me going because of

(01:35:55):
that.
Um, but whenever with withthese particular accidents, um I
mostly had the samechiropractor, and he'd get to
the point where he'd say, Yougotta knock that off.
Your body can't take itanymore.
And um, when I was I lived fora short time in Nevada and had a

(01:36:18):
car accident there where I gotrear-ended from the other side,
and that one was hard on me fromthe standpoint of my ribs
wouldn't stay in place, and Ihad a lot of pain with that one,
and I can remember gettingpriesthood blessings just that I

(01:36:41):
could lay down and sleepbecause I could, it would be so
painful for me to just lie downand sleep.
And um, I moved back toColorado a short time after that
car accident and went back tomy chiropractor then, and he
worked with me a really longtime, put me into massage

(01:37:04):
therapy to help because my bodywasn't keeping the adjustments.
Um, he would have to get prettystern with me and say no, you
don't even go home and cooktonight.
You pick something up and takeit home and eat.
You just relax, you don't doanything, you don't do laundry,
you don't sew, you don't cleanhouse, you don't do nothing.

(01:37:27):
And he would have to he'd haveto do that with me pretty often,
actually.
Um, but eventually then thingsstarted to settle in and keep
keep going.
Um but yeah, those were somehard on, those were hard ones.
I finally I'd had one, I thinkthe last one I had was where I

(01:37:50):
got hit from the front.
The guy had taken a short turnand hit the right driver or the
left driver's side, right headon, and I was driving.
And so that that messed me upfor a bit.
Um, but after that, and I gotthrough that one, then knocked

(01:38:15):
on wood.
Yeah, I've had a couple ofother little ones since then,
um, while I was in in St.
George.
Um, but after that, I've I'vehaven't had any.
Well, that's really good.

unknown (01:38:32):
Yeah.

Do you feel like you have a lot of anxiety?
Do you have anxiety when drivingnow?
Are you occasionally,occasionally?
I did see a therapist at onetime uh with one of them because
I had to see a neurologist.
I think there was someone withmy whiplash.
They had me see a neurologist.

(01:38:53):
And and he was right.
I was pretty, I exhibited um alot of anger behaviors, and it
was like it was uncontrollable.
And I didn't even realize ituntil he pointed it out.
And so I did see a therapist,he recommended I do that, and
she worked with me with um somebiofeedback techniques and other

(01:39:18):
techniques that I learned, andoccasionally um I still will use
those techniques um when I'm onthe highway.
Um but it that's that's doesn'thappen very often, but it does
still a little bit.
So there's still a little bitof PTSD associated.

Yeah, I can imagine.

Yeah, yeah.
So yeah, lots of miracles.

So one question that one question that I wanted
to ask from the very beginningwas if you ever um had a
relationship with yourbiological mother.

unknown (01:39:59):
Um

Um, yes and no.
Um, I always knew who she was.
And at times when she'd come tosee mom and and us, you know,
we would visit and stuff.
And then as an adult, I did seeher on occasion.
Um, but we were never reallyclose after that.

(01:40:20):
I posed a couple of questionsto her once that she wouldn't
answer.
She just closed up.
And um after mom passed away, Iand I always knew this from the
even the time I was a child, Iknew that after mom passed away,
I knew that Virginia and I uhwould not have a relationship, a

(01:40:45):
close relationship.
And um we eventually didn't.
I just I kind of just had tocut ties for now.
Um she has since passed away.
Okay.
Um it just it it just wasn'thealthy.
Yeah.
You know.

So I love that you were able to reconnect with
your brother after all thoseyears.
That's cool.

That was that was truly a tender mercy.
Um to get to know him as anadult more and to have sometimes
we'd have really gooddiscussions, never really
heavy-duty gospel discussions,but spiritual discussions.
Um, and sometimes it would justbe chit chat and you know, this

(01:41:34):
video or this TV program, youknow, just odds and ends things.
But um, yeah, I treasure those.
And we always the thing thatthat we always did is we before
we hung up, we always told eachother we loved each other.
That's awesome.
I after he passed, I never hadthat kind of a guilt or or um

(01:42:00):
what's the word?
I can't think of a word.
Um I never had any kind ofanything.
Yeah, yes.
Um, because we had always donethat.
That's awesome.
Yeah.
Regret, that's the word.
I never had any regrets.

Is there something that you want to share
like a takeaway that you hopethat that everyone has for all
these things that you've beenthrough?

And yeah, I actually do.
Um one is you know, they they Iwe don't really talk and learn
enough about the adversary.
And I think in many regards, weneed to know almost as much

(01:42:51):
about him and hischaracteristics and how he
speaks to us individually.
There's some generalities, butthere are some specific ways
that he talks to each of us, andwe better learn what those are
if we're gonna battle againsthim and be able to fight against

(01:43:13):
him.
Um, and then strengthen yourown testimony.
That we've got to have our owntestimonies.
Um, President Nelson talkedabout that a lot, and that
really is true.
And we've we need to learn allthat we can about our Father in
Heaven and our Savior to be ableto handle the the trials and

(01:43:37):
challenges of this life.
And of course, learn how tolisten to the Holy Ghost, learn
how it speaks to you.
I mean, yeah, we hear about youknow the warm feeling in the
heart and and some of the otherways that it speaks, but again,
that's a very individual way,and the way he speaks to you may

(01:44:00):
be very different than the wayhe speaks to me or the way he
speaks to Scott.
Um, it can be all different.
And then I think the the justthe final thing is we all can do
hard things, neverunderestimate the fact that you
can do hard things.
Um we all do them, have them.

(01:44:22):
We're gonna have hard things,and they're all gonna be
different and unique to each ofus.
But yeah, we can do hardthings, and I leave that with
you in the name of Jesus Christ,amen.
Amen.

Thank you.
I mean, you're one to know alot of hard things in your life,
yeah.
A little bit, yeah.
But you know what's inspiring,Leilani, is you've gone through
a lot of challenges and trialsin your life, but you're still
so positive, you know, and youstill have so much faith.

(01:44:56):
Like you can just see it inyour in your personality, and
you know, that's reallyinspiring.
So we really appreciate youbeing willing to share that.
I know that you went completelyout of your comfort zone a
couple months.

And I cut out a whole lot, and I did that on
purpose, but um yeah, weappreciate you being vulnerable
and sharing because I think ithelps other people in their
trials to be strengthened byhearing your testimony and the
things that you've gone throughand how you've overcome them.

Well, that that was my hope.
I I really fought against thisfor a while.
I started getting the promptingthat you need to do this.
I went, oh heck no.
No, no, no, no, no.
And I'd listen to a couple moreof your pride podcasts, and it
would like prompt it would comeagain.
You need to do that.
No, I ain't doing that.

(01:45:46):
Listen to a few more podcasts,come again, you need to do this.

All right, and yeah, that's usually how it
works, though, right?
You gotta just kick get kickedin the butt enough to leave.

Yeah, I you know, I hope that something that I
have said maybe will resonatewith somebody to just you know
give them a glimmer of hope orsomething.

I feel inspired.
Yeah, I feel inspired havingwhat having participated in this
and listening to your story.
Thank you.

Yeah, um, for me, like I don't have that close
relationship with the with thespirit like like you do, but I
know other people that have it.
And so it it's it helps me tohear some of those more intimate
experiences, even if it is likeexperiences with you know with

(01:46:43):
the devil or with Satan, uh, andbut then also with you know the
spirit and and and God andChrist.
Like to hear those that thathelps me because it I just don't
feel that.
I don't I but I it's inspiringthat you share it.

And don't, you know, I I had my own faith.
I will it wasn't a crisis, butit was a re-evaluation, and so I
think we go through those two,and we had to evaluate our faith
and where we are, and you know,just evaluate.

Yeah, I mean that's part of life's journey,
right?

It is.

Yeah.
Well, thanks, Leilani, for forbeing on the show.

It's nice, it was nice to hear your story.
Thank you.
It was nice meeting both ofyou, and um, I'm sorry it took
so long.

Well, you got you had a lot to share.
But yeah, thank you for beingon the show, and thanks everyone
for tuning in to anotherepisode of Latterday Lights.
And if you have a story likeLeilani, you might be, you know,
not want to, you know, like Idon't want to do it, I don't
want to do it, but just go aheadand and uh go to
latterdaylights and dot com andI can still be inspired by all

(01:48:04):
of our your stories, all yourother stories they do, they
really inspire me.
Thank you.
Well not hopefully there'speople out there with stories
like yours that that need to beshared too.
So but we really appreciate youbeing on and tune in next week

(01:48:24):
for another episode of LatterDay Lights.
Till then, we'll we'll see ya.
Bye bye.

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Surviving Loss, Overcoming Trials, and Keeping the Faith: Leilani Speck's Story - Latter-day Lights

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