August 7, 2025 • 52 mins
What does it mean to bring your whole self—mind, body, and spirit—into your intimate relationships?
In this transformative episode of Let’s Talk Love, Robin sits down with world-renowned sex and relationship therapist Dr. Laura Berman for a deep and soulful conversation about intimacy, healing, and awakening your sensual self.
Drawing from her powerful new book Sex Magic, Dr. Berman reveals how true sexual fulfillment begins long before you enter the bedroom. When we feel safe enough to be seen, when we’re connected to ourselves and to each other in mind, body, and spirit, we can unlock extraordinary pleasure and create next-level intimacy—what she calls “Sex Magic.”
Together, Robin and Dr. Berman explore how our beliefs about sex and self-worth shape our experiences of love and desire. You’ll hear empowering insights and practical tools for releasing shame, amplifying arousal, and stepping into your full sensual power—with presence, vulnerability, and soul.
Whether you’re healing, evolving, or simply curious, this episode is a reminder that pleasure is your birthright—and that the deepest intimacy starts within.
We want to hear from you! Please send us your anonymous questions for the Podcast as well as our weekly IG Live Ask The Experts Q&A. https://realloveready.com/submitaquestion
Links:
Website: https://drlauraberman.com/
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:02):
Welcome to Let's Talk Love, the podcast that brings you real
talk, fresh ideas, and expert insights every week.
Our guests are the most trusted voices in love and
relationships, and they're here for you with tools, information
and friendly advice to help you expand the ways you love, relate
and communicate. We tackle the big questions, not
(00:25):
shying away from the complex, the messy, the awkward, and the
joyful parts of relationships. I'm your host, Robin Ducharne.
Now let's talk love. Hello, friends of Let's talk
love. I am so excited to be having
(00:45):
this conversation today with Doctor Laura Berman.
Doctor Laura, thank you for being here today.
I'm so glad to be here, thanks for having me.
Laura. So.
You know, there are a lot of people that I love in this
world, but I want you to know that you are one of those souls,
one of those beautiful, beautiful people in my life that
(01:08):
I love and adore and appreciate so very, very much.
So thank you for being with me. Thank you, I feel the same about
you and the light you are in theworld.
Yeah, you are. You are such a bright light.
So for those of you that are listening and watching that
don't know Doctor Laura Berman. This amazing, beautiful, wise
woman is a world renowned sex, love and relationship therapist.
(01:30):
She has earned 2 Master's degrees and APHD from New York
University and has spent 30 years devoting her career to
helping others learn to love andbe loved better from mind, body
and a spiritual perspective. I really appreciate that about
you, Doctor Laura, and that you are are the whole you're, you're
talking about what we are, whichis mind, body and spirit.
(01:54):
Yeah. You can't leave any of it out.
I know, but how important is that?
Because guess what? In the world of relationships
and love, we are not talking enough about the energetics, the
spiritual side of us, which is the infinite, which is what we
are, right? We're walking, talking human
beings having the spiritual no, what are we where?
(02:14):
Spirits where spirits having an human.
Human experience, person. I know this.
I know this happened to my core,but I said it wrong.
And I have your the book that wetalked about on my part on our
podcast years ago, Quantum Love.Yeah.
And today we're going to be talking about your newest book,
which I just finished reading. OK, I've been reading it all
(02:36):
week, but I finished reading it this morning the last chapters
sex magic. So I loved it.
I really did. And I am excited about going
through the pages with my partner Hector and practicing
some of these awesome exercises because that that's going to be
really fun. Yeah, that's been one of my
(02:56):
favorite things about and I've written a lot of books.
I mean, this is my 10th book. I've written a lot of books
about sex, but this book more than any other, I think, because
it's so heavy and tangible exercises and things that you
can do like people finish it or even when they're just starting
to read it, they're like, I'm getting really excited to try
this stuff. You know, I just, I keep hearing
(03:18):
that, you know, I, I not only enjoyed the book, but now I'm
really excited to try some of these things, which makes me
really happy. You know, it's really funny.
Laura is like I was. I was considering reaching out
to you in the last, in the last couple couple days going.
We might like, is it better if we postpone for a few weeks or a
month or so so that I can practice these things and come
back. But that's just me.
Actually, this is all meant to be because that's probably a
(03:40):
little too personal. It's OK, I'll tell you in
private. Tell me in private I want to
hear but. Those of you that are listening,
actually we could do a follow upwith like all the feedback from
the listeners to say like this was the exercise or this.
I mean, I think that's amazing, right?
And valuable for all of. Us, yeah, just have a little, a
little book club. A report back.
(04:01):
Oh yeah, that's good. So I first of all, like, let's
just go into and you've got 30 years working as a sex therapist
and therapist, personal and couples therapist.
So why did you write this book? What is what is different about
this compared to the 10 other books that you've written?
I know this is my 10th. I didn't, I honestly didn't
think I had another sex book in me.
(04:21):
I thought I was done. I thought I had said everything
I could ever say about sex. And you know, my Asian would
sometimes say you want to write another book.
And you know, my last book, Quantum Love, there was a
chapter about sex, but it was really about love.
But my other eight books were about sex and a little bit about
love, but mostly about sex. And when it would come up I'd be
(04:42):
like I have 0 interest in regurgitating how to give a
blowjob, how to increase desire.Techniques, yes.
Like been there, done that. And about love.
I mean, I could write about loveforever, but there's so many
great books out there about love.
But what ended up happening, it really started with the with the
pandemic, Ironically, so much stuff came.
(05:04):
Look, we all know so much stuff came up from for everyone around
the pandemic. But when it comes to love and
sex, there was we could no longer go out, so we had to go
in. We were stuck at home with our
partners who we had been avoiding all of these issues
with, often sexual issues, and there was no more distracting,
(05:24):
there was no more running away from it.
And all kinds of things were happening in relationships.
Relationships were imploding in many ways.
Many were up leveling, but I think a lot of them where they
just been kind of sweeping things under the rug, imploded.
And sexually, this is a really interesting kind of thing that
happened that nobody really thinks about.
But I was watching Pornhub went free.
(05:48):
That was their public service during the pandemic and that
created a portal for mass pornography consumption and a
population of people who had nothing else to do all day and
it started changing. We now are realizing how much
(06:09):
consistent use of porn changes your brain and your desire
pathways. Now, I have always been a
proponent historically not, you know, I'm not one of those
people that's and was ever anti porn.
I would always say there's a healthy place for it in your
relationship if you use it moderation.
I don't say that anymore. I mean, not that I think it's
(06:30):
bad, wrong, evil, but it's really now we're under
understanding that first of all,the way your brain processes it,
it is like when you're looking at those images, your brain is
processing what you're seeing asA2 dimensional object, not a
three-dimensional person. So you're accidentally,
especially with the amount people are watching it,
conditioning your brain body pathways to get aroused, not by
(06:55):
a human being. And we're seeing a lot of
arousal problems in part becauseof that.
The second is that consistent use of porn.
What's happening when you're watching it, and this is really
the big reason I wrote the book,is that it stimulates the
dopamine centers of the brain, which are the addiction centers
of the brain, which are the samepart of the brain that are lit
up and going wild when you're newly in love and that initial
(07:17):
infatuation stage. But what was happening now?
And This is why so many people are like choking and rape
fantasies are just like at an all time high because you're
what you get Desensitized dopamine centers of the brain
are the in parts of the brain that light up when you're doing
coke. So you need more and more and
more and escalated, escalated, escalated.
And I was already seeing this inrelationships.
(07:40):
The number one question I would always get asked no matter where
I spoke frankly in the world washow do you spice it up in a long
term relationship once you get out of that initial infatuation
stage? That's what scientists call it,
which lasts anywhere from three months to three years, depending
on how quickly you get familiar and committed and you move into
the attachment stage, which is amuch more sustainable kind of
(08:02):
love. How do you keep the spice?
How do you keep it interesting? And all my other books.
Somewhere in there was all the tips, tools, toys, role plays,
fantasies, all the things you could try to keep it up right
and to stimulate the dopamine essentially, you know, to get
things exciting. But that would become familiar
too, right? So I could give you a year's
(08:24):
worth and in a year, maybe a little bit longer, if you tried
a few of them more than once, you'd come back asking for more.
And then what compounded on thatwas this whole porn thing.
So I was seeing an onslaught of people coming to me who wanted a
monogamous relationship, were ina monogamous relationship,
believed in monogamy, but we're like, we're going to open our
(08:45):
relationship because, you know, it's just stay like I they were
like on a dopamine fix cycle. Yep, and and we're going to
bring in a third partner. We're going to become swingers,
we're going to start watching more porn just in a in a massive
attempt, a misguided attempt to inject spice, right, because
(09:06):
they now they're dopamine centers were like over
stimulated from the porn. But it got me thinking.
And by the way, it doesn't mean this was just what brought the
book. You know, it doesn't mean that
if you watch porn or don't watchporn that you know it has
anything to do in the end with sex magic.
But it it really struck me how much it changed people.
And I started asking like everything that you want
(09:30):
anything we want, we want a feeling, right?
We all that's the basics of it. You want a new job, you want a
new car, you want a new relationship, You want your
partner to show up a certain way.
It's because you want to feel a certain way.
And so I started asking people, well, OK, if you had this spice,
how would you feel? How does spice feel?
(09:50):
You know, because spice isn't a feeling.
And again and again, it would besome version of excited
intensity or intense excitement.That's what we're looking for.
And so I was like, OK, you have all the information on the tips,
tools, toys. You can go online.
You can go on YouTube. You can look at my YouTube
channel. You can read my other eight or
(10:10):
nine books. You can read other people's
books. There's so much out there about
the tips, tools and toys. How do we create the true erotic
intense excitement? There's actually.
That's where sex magic comes in.I actually went back to the
ancient wisdom of Tantra, Kundalini, Daoism, Kama Sutra,
the energetics of sex. Because when you start tapping
(10:34):
in and tuning into that, just asan example, for most of us, when
we get aroused and have an orgasm, that sensation is
localized to the genital region,right?
Or maybe to the pelvis In sex magic, you're learning to move
that arousal through your entirebody.
You're learning if you want to blow it out the top of your
head, circle it between the two of you.
(10:56):
You're creating physical, sensual, erotic, energetic
excitement between the two of you.
And you're also learning to build it inside yourself.
Even if you don't have a partner, you're learning to
circle this, and it creates a level of vulnerability,
intimacy, and erotic energy between you that is profoundly
intense and exciting and createsa level of intimacy and
(11:20):
spiritual connection. I don't mean in a religious
sense. I mean in kind of a metaphysical
sense that goes well beyond a sex toy or a fantasy or a
threesome. And it's been really cool
because the feedback, you know, I started teaching this to
couples first. You know, I learned.
I hadn't learned it over many years, but I kind of created
techniques and systems that wereeasy to follow.
(11:42):
Then I started practicing it on my own with my husband, who's my
Guinea pig. But my trick with him is that I
don't tell him what I'm doing and then I see his reaction and
then I tell him afterwards what I did.
So I would experiment on him andthen and on myself.
And then I started teaching my clients and couples and I was
like, whoa, like the feedback I'm getting is amazing.
(12:04):
And then and then I started teaching people how to use sex
magic to manifest. So even separate from what it
creates in your relationship, sexual arousal and orgasm is the
highest frequency your body can hold.
So when you learn to combine that with intention, you're
super supercharging what you want to manifest into the
quantum field. It's all very exciting, Laura, I
(12:26):
think about just there's so manythings I want to talk about, but
let's talk about that. Let's let's start there with
manifestation. Like how is it that we can use?
I have to say I have, I, I know that I'm using sexual energy
that is coming from because I'm in such a loving, nurturing,
(12:48):
healthy partnership that it's like, and when I'm by myself,
it's like I, I feel like it's such a manifestation tool.
So how, how do you describe that?
How can we talk about that in ways that people will just like
understand? How do you use sex to manifest?
Well, so the key to the law of attraction or manifestation is
(13:08):
not just in getting clear on your want or get or intention,
right? So you know, we all, there's all
these tips and tools around manifestation.
It's stating it as if it's already here.
I am abundant. I am in a loving relationship.
I am the author of a best selling book.
I am whatever I am a mother, I am a father.
(13:29):
I am the parent of a healthy baby.
Whatever it is that you're wanting to manifest and you're
doing it in the positive, right.We know all those things and and
you know, I could write myself acheck for $1,000,000 and tell
everyone I have $1,000,000 and think I'm going to manifest it.
But unless and this is like the secret behind the secret and
much of what I taught in quantumlove.
(13:49):
And if you if you want to geek out on the science of how this
works, you can read Quantum Lovebecause.
A lot of science in the 1st. Couple of chapters I explain the
science of how this works, but the key that the secret behind
the secret is that it doesn't matter how much you say or set
that intention. You have to move into the
(14:09):
energetic frequency of he, she, they who has that which you
desire. Right?
So if I write myself a check to him for $1,000,000, I am needing
to move into to the feeling of she who had.
What would it feel like if I hadthat $1,000,000 in the bank
right now? What would it feel like inside
my body? Name those feelings.
(14:31):
It would feel like freedom. It would feel.
Freedom, that's excitement, right?
And yeah, you can. Right now I'm feeling that
feeling of just like the highestfrequency of vibration, right?
You're just like vibrating at like the yes, the yes, yes, yes.
Like you know what a yes feels like, but it's like you know all
of it. So you're in that energy as
(14:52):
you're writing the check, as you're carrying the check, as
you're imagining yourself in those scenarios.
Even better if you're imagining yourself there in first person
present, right, As if it's happening right here, right now.
Now, the key, key, key is in moving your system into those
higher frequencies. That's a lot of all kinds of
techniques I teach to do that inquantum love.
(15:13):
The cool thing about sex and sexmagic, it is magic, right?
This is something, and in particular for manifesting, this
is something that people have been doing for hundreds and
hundreds of years and writing about for hundreds of years as
well. You can, and I teach how to do
this in the book. You can, for instance.
There's lots of ways to do it. Create a visual, what's called a
sigil, a visual representation of what you want to manifest.
(15:39):
Create, create a symbol for it. And I teach you how to do this
and then kind of imprint that symbol in your mind.
Maybe even put it under a pillowor next to where you're having
sex. Some people have even told me
they hold it and look at it right as they're getting close.
I've never done that. I mean, because I'm kind of want
to be in the moment. But depends, you know, you can
play with this and you hold the image.
And this is the cool part is that you don't have to move
(16:02):
yourself into any energetic frequency because the state of
arousal, you know, on the map ofconsciousness or even on the
quantum love map, which I combine the map of consciousness
and other teachers together to kind of create a similar system.
The calibration. And this is all the sciences in
quantum love. But but each emotional state
(16:22):
we're in has an energetic frequency.
And the higher the energetic frequency is, the better you're
going to manifest what you want.The lowest frequency the body
can hold is shame, then guilt, anger, resentment, all those
things. Once you start moving to
curiosity, now you're in the yummy zone.
Curiosity, forgiveness, excitement, joy, joy, right?
(16:45):
Those things are the highest frequency the body can hold is
bliss, which is that feeling of sexual arousal and orgasm that
your body is at its highest frequency when you are in those
states. So when you hold that image of
that which you want to manifest and you're holding that while
(17:06):
you reach high levels, arousal and orgasm, even cooler it.
You don't have to, but even cooler if both of you are
focusing on the same thing. You can do this alone.
You can do it on your own when you're with a partner, but you
could also do it to if there's something you want to jointly
manifest and then you're double supercharging it.
So great. Yeah.
(17:28):
You know, that is, you share a lot of your client examples
around, you know, problems that issues that people have in the
bedroom, right. And like you say over and over,
and you've said it now in this conversation, it's not all, it's
not just about the sex toys or the positions or, you know, if
you're in a place of shame, for instance, yeah, within yourself
(17:49):
or you're inhibited. It's like you are are already
just in the fact of you're feeling those feelings, you're
in those low frequency states. If we're going to talk about
frequency, if we want the magic of it, we have to, we have to
deal with that inner stuff. Yeah, right.
Yeah. So can we talk about that is
like just you give you give somereally great examples around.
(18:10):
There's there's this one woman who you talk about who she in
her whole life was as a child, she was parent, she parentified,
right. So she had to be the parent in
her relationship. She had to raise her, I think it
was eight siblings or something and then run her.
And now she runs the family business, She's employing a lot
of her siblings. And then you think you know.
(18:31):
Can you relate to this? I like to do this, but just, but
I I think and then in the bedroom she's having she's
having issues with her partner with her husband because she's
like parentifying. She she's, she's parenting her
husband. Right.
And resenting him because he's another kid, right?
And that's so common. Oh my God, that's so common.
(18:51):
I see in in relationships, Yeah.And so how can you give an
example right there like we can all kind of think about how all
of that that I just explained would translate it to the
bedroom? Yeah, I mean, I always say sex
is rarely about sex. Just a teeny bit of what I do in
my 30 year practice is about thelogistics of sex.
(19:15):
That's the easy part and the straightforward part.
The part, it's all the other stuff, yes.
And sex is rarely about sex. It's about intimacy.
It's about trauma. It's about the blocks that you
have to pleasure. It's the way that you feel
inhibited. And in the case you're talking
about is the resentments that build because of the wounds and
(19:37):
that you haven't healed that have prevented you from setting
the boundaries that you really need to set, right.
So in her case, and I'm having abrain freeze because I changed,
I don't want to say her real name.
I I know it, but I changed everybody's names.
And her name was Zoya. Her name was Zoya I believe.
Okay, well, so in her case she was.
(19:58):
Actually, no, I'm so sorry, Mercedes.
Mercedes okay, so in her case, she was like you said,
parentified and had always takencare of everyone and now was,
and this is such an epidemic among women and now is
completely drained. And then feels resentment
because everybody's gotten used to her doing everything right.
(20:18):
So in her case, and this is often it's, it's yeah, okay, go
and set boundaries, right? But you can tell someone who's
never set boundaries before, wholearned and isn't even aware of
how unconsciously they learned that if you don't take care of
me, you're I'm not going to giveyou love and approval and you're
not going to be safe. And also kind of fell into that
(20:41):
codependent trap that so many ofus I'm a recovering on
codependents fall into, which isif you need me, you won't leave
me. So if I may, if I take care of
you, if I, and this is what she learned as a child, what many of
us, if I take care of you, A, I'll get my needs met because
nobody else is meeting them. B, I'll get approval in love.
(21:01):
And C, you know I won't be abandoned, right?
Because you need me to take careof the other kids.
So you'll take care of me too, right?
And it's all unconscious. But we play that out in
relationship after relationship,and we get drained, we get
exhausted, we get depressed, we get anxious, we get stressed and
severely resentful. So it wasn't enough, and it
(21:23):
isn't enough. And I talk about how to do this
in the book to just say, OK, sister, time to set some
boundaries. Yeah, I mean, OK, fine.
But I'm not going to be brave enough to set those boundaries.
I'm not going to feel strong enough to hold those boundaries
unless I'm willing to look at some of those earlier wounds and
face them and heal them. And that's where some of the
(21:45):
counseling can be so helpful anddoing some, I mean, I talk a lot
about trauma in her case, you know, I don't like qualifying
trauma because traumas, you know, how it's qualified is a
personal perception. I almost struggle with that big
T and little T trauma philosophy.
But, you know, in her case, it probably would fall into a
(22:05):
little tea trauma as opposed to someone who had been sexually
molested or abused, you know, orphysically abused or emotionally
abused. You know, she had a loving
family. She fell into this role out of
necessity and then got all the kudos, all the love, you know,
and and kept it going unconsciously.
(22:26):
And I think a lot of us do that.And if you are so for two
reasons, her sex life was struggling a because she was
completely depleted. And if you depleted all your
energy stores on everyone else, which is what we tend to do, and
putting yourself last, we only have a certain reservoir of
energy. And if we aren't doing things to
replenish it, we don't have enough energy for sexual
(22:46):
interest, much less arousal. And then she also had the
resentment of her partner in particular, but also of some of
her family members that was bubbling up to the surface.
And the reason she actually cameis because her husband was
threatening to leave her therapy, right?
Because she was being so nasty to him because of the pattern
(23:09):
she had unconsciously set up andresented.
Right. And it took therapy, it took
time. It took like I really heard the
transformation. You know, you talk about our
chakras and how important our energy systems are from our
root, you know, into our diamond.
I didn't know there was a diamond chakra.
That was great learning. Yeah.
This is why I love my job. I swear.
I learned so much. It's just so good.
(23:30):
And so you helped her unblock her solar plexus, right?
And So what? What are our solar plexus
chakra? That's our power center.
That's your power center, your sense of identity, your bad
injuries. She didn't have a childhood,
right? Like she was robbed of her
childhood. Yeah, completely.
Like all the work that you helped her to do, she was able
(23:50):
to actually start. Like when you don't, when you
don't have a childhood, it's like you actually as an adult
you want to bring back into those things that you missed.
Yes, the playing. Again, and being and actually
being taken care of by the people around her instead of her
being like she was an adult fromthe time she was a young child.
And it's like actually, even as a woman, as a, as a grown woman,
(24:12):
I want to be taken care of sometimes.
I mean, of course I could do it all myself.
We, we women nowadays, we could do it all we can.
But do I want to? No, I don't who actually, I want
my partner to take care of me just like I take care of him
sometimes. Like, like that's what that's
what our relationships are for, is to just to care for each
other. So.
And to ask. For it, yeah.
(24:33):
Ask for it, yes. So I went to Well, go ahead.
What were you going to say? No, no, that's it.
That's. I I went to my husband not long
ago. I don't know, maybe it was like
a year ago because I was feelingjust this deep need.
I don't have. I mean, I have loving friends,
but I don't have any extended family.
Both my parents are gone. I went to him and I said I'm
(24:54):
feeling a deep need for physicalnurturing.
Like, can I just climb on your lap and have you cuddle me and
just tell me everything's going to be OK and just snuggle me?
And I do that out, right? And since then, I'll just
intermittently, you know, he'll be sitting there and I'll just
come over and crawl on his lap. And he knows what to do now.
(25:16):
But I asked for it. That wouldn't have been
something that he would have occurred to him that I wanted or
he would have necessarily naturally come here, honey, get
on my lap and let me, you know. But when I asked for it, he was
very happy to give it. Yeah.
But we have to ask for it. What a beautiful example, Laura.
Yeah, I just, I really. That's so good.
(25:37):
What you're teaching so much is that our intimacy, what when we
want to have sex magic, we want to have a mind blowing, like
life altering, like beautiful expanse of sex with our partner.
It's it's like being the rawest vulnerable.
Yeah, it's, it's the, it's the intensity and, and our
(25:57):
vulnerability outside the bedroom, right.
It's the relationship that we have with ourselves and with our
partner outside of the bedroom. Yeah, You know, I did research
years ago around the country on what the most, most sexually
satisfied women had in in common.
What I found was orgasms were part of it, but they were not
(26:20):
the key to a woman's sexual satisfaction.
The key to her satisfaction was the emotional connection she
felt with the person she was having sex with.
That was the greatest predictor for her sexual satisfaction.
And it's also a huge predictor for desire, women's desire, as
well as how connected and emotionally close she feels to
(26:43):
the person she will be having sex with.
And what were the men saying? I only looked at the women in
this study, but the men were saying that, you know, I've
talked to thousands of men and it's, you know, they're to men.
It's really about there is some there they love.
This is the book. And it's so funny to me because
I've written a lot of them and most of my readers have always
(27:05):
been women. In fact, most books, you know,
most readers are women. But but Sex Magic I have had
such huge guy interest in, whichhas really been cool because you
know, they do want that erotic energy.
They always want to take it to the next level.
(27:27):
You know, they're more programmed just in their DNA in
our evolutionary history for variety, right?
And so in, but they also many ofthem, most of them really do
want a loving monogamous relationship.
So how do you create the noveltyin a loving relationship?
You know, that's where they are the ones that are most
susceptible to the porn cycle that I was talking about before,
(27:47):
right? But they love sex magic because
it's creating arousal, intensity, excitement without
having to do things that put therelationship at risk or put
their sexual function at risk. But what I don't think a lot of
women understand about men is how important, you know, women
are inspired to be sexual and enjoy sex more when they feel
(28:11):
emotionally close to the person they're having sex with.
Men feel emotionally close to their partner when they have
that physical intimacy with them.
So this is how we get into that sex romance stalemate because
she has lost desire for any number of reasons.
Medical menopausal relationship,stress, depression, like name
(28:34):
it, and isn't as available for sex.
And then he doesn't feel as emotionally close to her because
his vehicle for getting there isn't happening.
And he then withdraws emotionally, not because he's
trying to punish her, but because he doesn't feel as close
to her. And then she's that much less
inspired to be sexual. And then he's that much less
(28:55):
emotionally close to her. And then this stalemate kicks
in. Yeah, I here I am a 47 year old
woman and I'm with a partner whoI know that I've never been so
close to a man before in this way because it's so raw and
vulnerable and it keeps getting deeper and deeper, right?
(29:15):
Because I'm able to be more openand share more, which is the
scariest thing, right? It's terrifying.
Yes. Oh no.
What sharing this and this and it's like, it's like we're
constantly pushing the edge and,and it because of that, that is,
I know it's, it's and I've got the I've had the best, most
amazing sex life with him because of that openness and
(29:38):
that vulnerability. But it requires like what you
say, Laura, it requires emotional risk taking, Yes.
And when it's like, if both partners are able to do that
together and learn that, OK, it's you only do that through
practice and through through actually pushing through that,
right? It does take rest to open up and
be like, I'm not happy about this or this is what's upsetting
me. And you could say it in a loving
(29:59):
way or as loving as you can. And if it turns out that OK,
that person receives that well enough to work through it, that
is going to strengthen your connection so that you can be
more connected and raw and vulnerable in the bedroom.
In every way, I mean, we know, we know that vulnerability
promotes intimacy in your friendships.
(30:20):
When you self disclose in a healthy way, people are more
likely to self disclose to you and feel closer to you and you
feel closer to them. In relationships, it's the same
thing. And you're absolutely right.
That level of honesty and authenticity and showing your
true self and being able to be your true self and be able to be
(30:41):
held and loved, not feeling likeit's in spite of your authentic
self, but because of your authentic self is what it's all
about. And I teach people all the time.
I spend so much time with individuals and couples teaching
them how to, you know, articulate their needs and wants
or issues that are coming up to their partner and as you say, a
(31:03):
loving way. And it's really simple.
You focus on this is how you do it.
You want me to tell you how to do it in in a productive way,
right steps, right? The first is to start with and
you get clear on all this beforeyou speak to them.
First is to think about how you how you're, what's the feeling
(31:24):
that's coming up right? I'm and you just can do a body
scan or you can TuneIn I'm feeling angry, I'm feeling
scared, I'm feeling sad, I'm feeling frustrated.
Or you can even say, if you don't want to even name your
feelings, you can say I have a pit in my stomach.
I have pain in my back. I have, you know, just get
really clear and and then the second thing is what is the
story you're telling yourself? Because when you're talking to
(31:47):
someone they can't argue with. I have of a story that blah,
blah, blah. If you say you don't care about
me or I think you don't care about me or I think you're
selfish or I think you're being selfish, they're going to
completely shut down, right? But if you have a story, you say
I have a story that when you didn't call me to tell me you
(32:09):
were going to be late, that you don't really respect my time.
And when that happened, I as a result, I feel a pit in my
stomach. I feel really sad.
I feel scared and a little angry, right.
So you've said what your story is.
It's your story. Nobody can argue with your
story. You're saying what you feel.
Nobody can argue with what you feel.
(32:30):
And then the third step, super important, especially if you're
in a relationship with a man, because they need to know what
to do to fix it is what you want, right.
So when you don't call me, I have this story that you don't
really respect me or care about me or no, you know, care about
the fact that I'm worried or about my time and I feel this,
(32:51):
that and the other. And what I want is just for you
to remember to call and to let me know if you're going to be
late. It would mean so much to me if
you did. Boom, right?
You're saying what your story is, what you're feeling is, and
what you want and that's it. And nobody can argue with that.
And then you'll see how do they take that?
Do they get really defensive andtry to gaslight you right then
(33:14):
maybe they need some of their own help?
Or do they meet you there and belike, wow, I don't want you to
feel that way. I'm so sorry I didn't called.
Normally I would, but I totally forgot and I'm going to put more
attention on that. Yeah, I really like that, but
thank you for that. There's there's some somebody in
your book that you talk about a client who she was definitely
feeling inhibited in the bedroomwith her partner, except she was
(33:35):
little. Like she would be like all about
perfectionism. And so when she was having sex
with her partner, she didn't want to try new things.
She just felt like, and I think like, I, I think back to my, you
know, I'm still, I'm still getting that right.
It's a learning curve, but I definitely sometimes feel
inhibited, like, oh God, I'm going to mess up.
I don't know how to do this. And then you just like, totally
don't try it, right. Yeah, but it's like she voices
(33:56):
you. You said to her in one of your
sessions, OK, just be out there,like outside the bedroom.
You're going to say, OK, OK, this is what I'm.
This is what's going on for me. And This is why I haven't really
been trying new things. And so she had, like, back in
her story, a time when she was able to be carefree as a kid was
when she was playing tennis and her tennis teacher.
(34:17):
Finally she said to herself, I'mjust going to have like a fuck
it attitude, like just fuck it, OK.
And then all of a sudden she started playing tennis pretty
well because she stopped being so in her head and she was able
to just play, right? Right.
Yeah, right. And so you were like, just say
it. Just tell your partner, OK.
And so anyway, she said this to her boyfriend.
And, and her boyfriend's like, OK, the next time we're together
(34:38):
in the bedroom, like we're having sex and you're having any
sort of like scared feelings or anything or like that, you're
going to, I think I'm judging you just say fuck it.
And then I and he's like, that'scool.
And then now I'll know, OK, That's why you're like acting a
certain way. Yes, that's why I feel you
pulling your energy back. Right.
So that became their signal thatshe was in her head a little
(34:58):
bit. And then he could reassure her
this feels great, this, you know, whatever.
So yeah, she had some performance anxiety.
And sometimes people have. Yeah.
So being honest outside the bedroom is really helpful.
I mean, it's always good to be honest outside the bedroom, in
the bedroom too, but you got to be careful about keeping it
(35:18):
positive, right? So if you have any quote UN
quote negative feedback, better to unless it's hurting or
dangerous or upsetting. You know, if it's all other
things being equal, wait to talkabout it till you're outside and
then you can come up with a planfor inside, right?
But I also find that lots of people struggle with the stories
(35:39):
they have about who, you know, what a nice a good woman does or
doesn't do sexually or what a good man or whoever does.
Or, you know, we have all of these stories about what's OK or
not OK to do or ways to behave sexually.
So a lot of it is like getting clear on what those stories are
and deciding like, is this something, you know, because
(36:01):
once I have this thing, I take people through where I haven't
put in one column all, especially people who really
struggle with inhibitions in onecolumn.
Put all your stories, you know, nice, good women don't initiate
sex. They, you know, don't.
Take you're raised Catholic, right?
Yeah. It's just like I was.
It was just like. You probably have a long list,
yeah. Time like the Catholic internal.
(36:23):
Yes, so you got to externalize it all and put them all down in
the first comp and the second column next to each.
Where did that come from? So it might have been when, you
know, Sister Mary Margaret said you'll go to hell if you touch
yourself and you know, next to women don't masturbate or
whatever, you know, or they don't ask for what they need in
(36:44):
the bedroom. You know, my I remember my
mother. You may have I mean, this didn't
happen to me, but I'm just giving an example.
Your mother and and your aunt talking about the neighbor being
a slut because she had sex with more than one person, right?
Or all of these little moments that happen and sometimes big
consistent moments that have taught us these.
And most of them you'll rememberand at least an example of where
(37:06):
you got that story. And then in the third column,
you put keep or release, right? Because as the woman, man, adult
you are now, do you still reallybelieve this or not?
And some of them you may, and that's OK.
But most of them you'll be like,no, I don't believe that
anymore. So the next time that story
comes up or that inhibition comes up, you're like, oh,
(37:28):
that's Sister Mary Margaret, notme.
I'm not subscribing to that. It it becomes externalized and
it works really well with with those kinds of inhibitions.
Yeah, there's a whole chapter. There's so many great chapters.
There's a whole chapter on embodiment.
Yes. Can we go into that, Laura?
Because I think so many of us, Iknow myself, I've been like, I
(37:50):
am here. I am like this year.
I've really been so in my body more than I have in my whole
life. Yeah, you know, because I it
was, it must have been like, yes, a subconscious way that I
was protecting myself. That's what we do.
You know, leaving, leaving my body not being fully present,
like I was anxious anxiety. It's like I'm in my head
(38:10):
thinking about what's going to happen in the future or in the
past What's and it's like you'reliving in your past and your
future, all not in the present. None of which is real, right?
Right. And so embodiment has been, can
we talk about the importance of that and how?
Really. I mean how you can.
Be more embodied. Yeah, and it's definitely, it is
the path to healing. And it's also a sign of healing
(38:31):
both because when you most of usare not in our bodies, we're
walking around in the world in our heads or disassociated where
we're not even in the building. And from a sexual standpoint, if
you want to really tap into or any, not even sexual, just in
general, if you want to work with manifestation, with energy,
(38:52):
with open heartedness, with evenit from a spiritual pursuit.
Like I work with a lot of peoplewho are seeking connection with
God, Spirit, universe, whatever you want to call it that is
inside. It's not found outside of you.
And when you can't be in your body and in the subtle
sensations of what it feels likewhen you really tap into that
(39:13):
energy in the center of your heart, or when you pull the
earth's energy up into your bodyto ground or access your diamond
chakra as you were talking about, you know, there's all
these beautiful spiritual practices that get you more
tapped and tuned in. Downloading divine inspiration,
manifesting all of that requiresbeing in your body.
(39:33):
Your body is your transceiver. It's your transmitter of
frequency and it's your receiverof how you receive information.
And from a sexual standpoint, ifyou aren't in your body may
forget sex magic. You're not going to necessarily
even enjoy sex or be able to getaroused and reach orgasms, much
less be able to work with these beautiful energetics that you
(39:54):
can move through your body and between the two of you.
And so certainly, if you've had a history of any kind of sexual
trauma or assault, small or large, or however you want to
qualify it, you probably learnedto leave.
With your body during sex, because thank God you did,
especially if you were abused, you know, in your life or
consistently assaulted or abused.
(40:16):
That's the only way that you or even once you learn to leave and
go somewhere else in your mind. And then even when you're with a
loved and trusted partner, that's just your default.
You aren't in the body. You lose time or you're
thinking, or for some people, it's just like, I'm thinking
about soccer practice and I'm going to get my kids there.
(40:36):
Whether the windows are closed, I'm just thinking about other
things. Sometimes it's a habit that
we've developed. Sometimes it's a stress
response, sometimes it's a trauma response.
But what it comes back to is sexat its finest is a mindfulness
experience. You know, and the more you can
come, it's. Mindful and like.
It's mindful and like embodied. Yes, well, that's what
(40:58):
mindfulness is, is being fully present in the now in your body.
All these quote UN quote mindfulness practices are
intended to do that so that for whatever intentions so that you
can tap in more so that you can create manifest more so that you
can have more pleasure, right? All of it starts with being
(41:18):
present in your body. So a lot of the practices I
teach around grounding in your body, coming into your body,
pulling energy into your body from above, circling it through
your body, pulling it up from the earth and circling it
around. I mean, almost every day I go
out and plop my butt on the in the grass and just pull energy
up and out the top of my head. And then I let it fall back down
(41:43):
and go deep, deep, deep into theearth, grounding me there.
I'll just do that for 5 minutes when I'm feeling stressed and I
am like back home, grounded, calibrated and back in my
system. But super important sexually.
So, so important to live like inyour fullness.
And I, I know like, and so that right there when you said that
(42:04):
you're doing that, I mean, Laura, you know that that is
something that works and you've practiced it.
You know, one of my appointmentswas cancelled this afternoon and
I'm like, my immediate thing waslike, OK, I'm going to go for a
walk. Like I'm going to, and that I
know that going for that walk. And I, and I'm consciously
walking and, you know, communingwith the trees in the air.
Like I'm so excited about it because I'm like, yay, I, I have
(42:27):
a free hour now that I didn't have before and I'm going to
walk. Like I know that's something
that's going to be good for me and it's going to be grounding
and embodied. And yeah, so like I just because
that's become a practice in my life and something that I just,
I know that works. Yeah, you could find you want to
find practices that work. Right.
Yeah. And I love that you're going out
in nature because, and I and I do talk about this in sex magic.
(42:49):
Nature, you know, has a pure high frequency.
That's why we feel so good when we're in her, because unlike
humans, we're constantly matching each other's energetic
frequency and finding the happy medium.
Unless you're consciously holding your own energetic
frequency, we're all just matching each other.
Nature holds a steady frequency,no matter does not change.
(43:11):
Doesn't matter who is in her or around her.
You have no choice but to match her energy.
She never matches yours. So when you spend time in
nature, it automatically raises your frequency.
And then, if you can, take your shoes off somewhere where there
is earth or grass. And really grounds there you're
in training even more to the energetic frequency of the
(43:34):
Earth. And right now, ironically, or
maybe not so it was in 2021, right when the pandemic was
hitting the Schumann resonance, which is monitored by NASA.
It's the electromagnetic field of the Earth, the pulse, the
frequency that the Earth puts out, that nature puts out that
that the Earth we're on puts outthat we're all matching.
(43:57):
It drastically spiked and has remained there.
So the frequency of Mother Earthjumped in 2021 and has sustained
there. It's jumped even more up and
down to that level, but it is ata significantly higher frequency
since 2021, which is interestingto me because we automatically
(44:18):
match that. And what happens when our when
we're all of a sudden, and you'll notice this as you do
healing work and your frequency rises in general, not just
because you're having lovely thoughts, but just your baseline
frequency is higher. People will sometimes freak out
on you or suddenly go nuts on you or reject you mostly because
(44:41):
or just disappear because they are at a lower, much lower
frequency. The only way we can relate to
each other is if we're in a harmonic frequency.
So if your frequency goes reallyup and someone else's in your
life is really low, they will freak out being around you or
they will just disappear. And so I think that's a lot of
the reason why people in generalare freaking out right now is
(45:04):
because everybody's having to face their shit because they're
being yanked up to this higher frequency.
So they're having to release allthis density and they don't know
that's happening or how to do that.
So all their shadows are coming up and all their stuff and
everybody's losing it. That's my story, anyway.
You know, I believe it. I'm living it.
This past year has been a clearing me too in many many
(45:27):
many ways. Like it's like cleaning house in
all respects. Yes, and I've always kept a
clean house, but this is on a very bigger level.
Yes, yes, exactly. On an energetic level.
Yeah, something I wanted to quote this part of your book
because, Laura, I loved it so much.
It's about monogamy and being ina committed relationship.
(45:49):
Discover this new story about monogamy.
You get to spend the rest of your life learning to have
passion, heart stirring sex withyour partner, and you get to be
compassionate and patient duringthose times when it's not
everything you might have hoped for.
You get to Make Love anew every day and find new ways to express
that love. And you get to do so in a place
(46:11):
without judgment or fear or doubt.
You get to love and be loved in the most perfect way that 2
human beings can love each other.
And you get to do so for as longas you both have breath in your
lungs. I mean, if you're with a partner
that you can do that with and belike and just grow with and
expand with and just that is thedream.
That is what I've always wanted in a, in a partnership, in a
(46:34):
committed loving relationship isto be able to have that that
safety, that security, but also that freedom, right?
Yeah. And if you're in that place with
somebody like you can, you can work on, on the, on the sex
magic overtime, right? You have the time.
Your life has sex magic. Yes, but I think what you're
(46:55):
inviting us to do is so many things, Laura, like this book is
so full of of like new ways to look at ourselves and each other
and so much of it, like you said, the frequency of
curiosity. Oh, my goodness, right.
That is high frequency. It is curiosity.
Can we talk about that before weclose and just how important?
Yeah. I mean, that's the tipping
point. Being in curiosity is the
(47:18):
tipping point from what I call ego frequency and home
frequency. That is where you're moving out
of the lower frequencies and tipping over.
If you can just stay in curiosity, much less joy,
forgiveness, excitement, all those higher frequency, all
those on the higher end. If you could just stay in
curiosity, 51% of the time your entire world will change.
(47:43):
And you will become a magnet forso many beautiful things.
Curiosity opens our hearts. It opens us to the
possibilities. It opens our minds to a
different way of maybe looking at things.
It softens the grip of the stories that aren't serving us
that we're attaching to. You know, and even when
(48:03):
something tough happens or if like I have a disappointment or
something's just really messed up and not working, I will just
get like, I'll just get curious of like, what is this here to
teach? Or how might this serve me in
the end? Or even if it doesn't serve me,
what might I learn from this? Or how might I use this as an
opportunity to learn more into faith, right?
(48:25):
Like just getting curious opens up a whole new energy for you
and new pathways and new ways ofseeing and new ways of seeing
your partner, much less yourselfand your situation.
And and ask, I really, really like that because it's like the
curiosity piece. Even if you, like you said, you
(48:45):
don't, you don't have the answers.
You could ask like ask for, ask for the insight, ask for the
answer. And often we will get like some
sort of download and like this is the new way to look at it.
Didn't think of it that way, right?
Yeah, or I'm curious because I'mfeeling a distance from you,
even from your partner. I'm feeling a distance and I'm
(49:06):
really curious. And when I've been feeling that
distance, I feel tight in my chest.
I feel scared. I'm making up a story.
I'm making up this story that you're not as into me right now.
I don't know what it is, so I'm just really curious.
I wanted to check it out with you because what I really want
is to feel aligned and really close to you, right?
That's a great way to be curious.
(49:29):
Thank you, Laura. You're the best.
You are so good after we talk, that's for sure Good.
You are a healing presence in this world.
Thank you, my life. Thank you.
Thank you for. Having me and for talking sex
magic, my new favorite. Topic My goodness, I'm excited
to practice sex magic over and over and over again.
Yeah, keep us posted. I'm going to close with a
(49:50):
blessing, that's what, because Ilove to do that when it's all
from your sentiments from your book this week.
So may we bring patience, compassion and humor to sex.
I will add fun and then laughter.
I love that part. Yeah.
May we remember that the best thing we can do for our love
life is to start every day with the realization that your
(50:14):
partner is not the same person you slept next to last night.
They're growing, changing and evolving just as you are.
And may we practice focusing on presence over distraction,
connection over escape, thrilling depth over cheap
thrills, authenticity over performance, and fulfillment
(50:35):
over emptiness. This is what sex magic is, an
invitation to view intimacy as sacred Again.
Yeah. Amen.
Thank you, doctor. Laura Berman.
And so it is. And so it is.
Thank you so much for being herewith us.
(50:56):
Let's Talk Love is brought to you by Real Love Ready and
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(52:02):
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Welcome to Let's Talk Love, the podcast that brings you real
talk, fresh ideas, and expert insights every week.
Our guests are the most trusted voices in love and
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and communicate. We tackle the big questions, not
(00:25):
shying away from the complex, the messy, the awkward, and the
joyful parts of relationships. I'm your host, Robin Ducharne.
Now let's talk love. Hello, friends of Let's talk
love. I am so excited to be having
(00:45):
this conversation today with Doctor Laura Berman.
Doctor Laura, thank you for being here today.
I'm so glad to be here, thanks for having me.
Laura. So.
You know, there are a lot of people that I love in this
world, but I want you to know that you are one of those souls,
one of those beautiful, beautiful people in my life that
(01:08):
I love and adore and appreciate so very, very much.
So thank you for being with me. Thank you, I feel the same about
you and the light you are in theworld.
Yeah, you are. You are such a bright light.
So for those of you that are listening and watching that
don't know Doctor Laura Berman. This amazing, beautiful, wise
woman is a world renowned sex, love and relationship therapist.
(01:30):
She has earned 2 Master's degrees and APHD from New York
University and has spent 30 years devoting her career to
helping others learn to love andbe loved better from mind, body
and a spiritual perspective. I really appreciate that about
you, Doctor Laura, and that you are are the whole you're, you're
talking about what we are, whichis mind, body and spirit.
(01:54):
Yeah. You can't leave any of it out.
I know, but how important is that?
Because guess what? In the world of relationships
and love, we are not talking enough about the energetics, the
spiritual side of us, which is the infinite, which is what we
are, right? We're walking, talking human
beings having the spiritual no, what are we where?
(02:14):
Spirits where spirits having an human.
Human experience, person. I know this.
I know this happened to my core,but I said it wrong.
And I have your the book that wetalked about on my part on our
podcast years ago, Quantum Love.Yeah.
And today we're going to be talking about your newest book,
which I just finished reading. OK, I've been reading it all
(02:36):
week, but I finished reading it this morning the last chapters
sex magic. So I loved it.
I really did. And I am excited about going
through the pages with my partner Hector and practicing
some of these awesome exercises because that that's going to be
really fun. Yeah, that's been one of my
(02:56):
favorite things about and I've written a lot of books.
I mean, this is my 10th book. I've written a lot of books
about sex, but this book more than any other, I think, because
it's so heavy and tangible exercises and things that you
can do like people finish it or even when they're just starting
to read it, they're like, I'm getting really excited to try
this stuff. You know, I just, I keep hearing
(03:18):
that, you know, I, I not only enjoyed the book, but now I'm
really excited to try some of these things, which makes me
really happy. You know, it's really funny.
Laura is like I was. I was considering reaching out
to you in the last, in the last couple couple days going.
We might like, is it better if we postpone for a few weeks or a
month or so so that I can practice these things and come
back. But that's just me.
Actually, this is all meant to be because that's probably a
(03:40):
little too personal. It's OK, I'll tell you in
private. Tell me in private I want to
hear but. Those of you that are listening,
actually we could do a follow upwith like all the feedback from
the listeners to say like this was the exercise or this.
I mean, I think that's amazing, right?
And valuable for all of. Us, yeah, just have a little, a
little book club. A report back.
(04:01):
Oh yeah, that's good. So I first of all, like, let's
just go into and you've got 30 years working as a sex therapist
and therapist, personal and couples therapist.
So why did you write this book? What is what is different about
this compared to the 10 other books that you've written?
I know this is my 10th. I didn't, I honestly didn't
think I had another sex book in me.
(04:21):
I thought I was done. I thought I had said everything
I could ever say about sex. And you know, my Asian would
sometimes say you want to write another book.
And you know, my last book, Quantum Love, there was a
chapter about sex, but it was really about love.
But my other eight books were about sex and a little bit about
love, but mostly about sex. And when it would come up I'd be
(04:42):
like I have 0 interest in regurgitating how to give a
blowjob, how to increase desire.Techniques, yes.
Like been there, done that. And about love.
I mean, I could write about loveforever, but there's so many
great books out there about love.
But what ended up happening, it really started with the with the
pandemic, Ironically, so much stuff came.
(05:04):
Look, we all know so much stuff came up from for everyone around
the pandemic. But when it comes to love and
sex, there was we could no longer go out, so we had to go
in. We were stuck at home with our
partners who we had been avoiding all of these issues
with, often sexual issues, and there was no more distracting,
(05:24):
there was no more running away from it.
And all kinds of things were happening in relationships.
Relationships were imploding in many ways.
Many were up leveling, but I think a lot of them where they
just been kind of sweeping things under the rug, imploded.
And sexually, this is a really interesting kind of thing that
happened that nobody really thinks about.
But I was watching Pornhub went free.
(05:48):
That was their public service during the pandemic and that
created a portal for mass pornography consumption and a
population of people who had nothing else to do all day and
it started changing. We now are realizing how much
(06:09):
consistent use of porn changes your brain and your desire
pathways. Now, I have always been a
proponent historically not, you know, I'm not one of those
people that's and was ever anti porn.
I would always say there's a healthy place for it in your
relationship if you use it moderation.
I don't say that anymore. I mean, not that I think it's
(06:30):
bad, wrong, evil, but it's really now we're under
understanding that first of all,the way your brain processes it,
it is like when you're looking at those images, your brain is
processing what you're seeing asA2 dimensional object, not a
three-dimensional person. So you're accidentally,
especially with the amount people are watching it,
conditioning your brain body pathways to get aroused, not by
(06:55):
a human being. And we're seeing a lot of
arousal problems in part becauseof that.
The second is that consistent use of porn.
What's happening when you're watching it, and this is really
the big reason I wrote the book,is that it stimulates the
dopamine centers of the brain, which are the addiction centers
of the brain, which are the samepart of the brain that are lit
up and going wild when you're newly in love and that initial
(07:17):
infatuation stage. But what was happening now?
And This is why so many people are like choking and rape
fantasies are just like at an all time high because you're
what you get Desensitized dopamine centers of the brain
are the in parts of the brain that light up when you're doing
coke. So you need more and more and
more and escalated, escalated, escalated.
And I was already seeing this inrelationships.
(07:40):
The number one question I would always get asked no matter where
I spoke frankly in the world washow do you spice it up in a long
term relationship once you get out of that initial infatuation
stage? That's what scientists call it,
which lasts anywhere from three months to three years, depending
on how quickly you get familiar and committed and you move into
the attachment stage, which is amuch more sustainable kind of
(08:02):
love. How do you keep the spice?
How do you keep it interesting? And all my other books.
Somewhere in there was all the tips, tools, toys, role plays,
fantasies, all the things you could try to keep it up right
and to stimulate the dopamine essentially, you know, to get
things exciting. But that would become familiar
too, right? So I could give you a year's
(08:24):
worth and in a year, maybe a little bit longer, if you tried
a few of them more than once, you'd come back asking for more.
And then what compounded on thatwas this whole porn thing.
So I was seeing an onslaught of people coming to me who wanted a
monogamous relationship, were ina monogamous relationship,
believed in monogamy, but we're like, we're going to open our
(08:45):
relationship because, you know, it's just stay like I they were
like on a dopamine fix cycle. Yep, and and we're going to
bring in a third partner. We're going to become swingers,
we're going to start watching more porn just in a in a massive
attempt, a misguided attempt to inject spice, right, because
(09:06):
they now they're dopamine centers were like over
stimulated from the porn. But it got me thinking.
And by the way, it doesn't mean this was just what brought the
book. You know, it doesn't mean that
if you watch porn or don't watchporn that you know it has
anything to do in the end with sex magic.
But it it really struck me how much it changed people.
And I started asking like everything that you want
(09:30):
anything we want, we want a feeling, right?
We all that's the basics of it. You want a new job, you want a
new car, you want a new relationship, You want your
partner to show up a certain way.
It's because you want to feel a certain way.
And so I started asking people, well, OK, if you had this spice,
how would you feel? How does spice feel?
(09:50):
You know, because spice isn't a feeling.
And again and again, it would besome version of excited
intensity or intense excitement.That's what we're looking for.
And so I was like, OK, you have all the information on the tips,
tools, toys. You can go online.
You can go on YouTube. You can look at my YouTube
channel. You can read my other eight or
(10:10):
nine books. You can read other people's
books. There's so much out there about
the tips, tools and toys. How do we create the true erotic
intense excitement? There's actually.
That's where sex magic comes in.I actually went back to the
ancient wisdom of Tantra, Kundalini, Daoism, Kama Sutra,
the energetics of sex. Because when you start tapping
(10:34):
in and tuning into that, just asan example, for most of us, when
we get aroused and have an orgasm, that sensation is
localized to the genital region,right?
Or maybe to the pelvis In sex magic, you're learning to move
that arousal through your entirebody.
You're learning if you want to blow it out the top of your
head, circle it between the two of you.
(10:56):
You're creating physical, sensual, erotic, energetic
excitement between the two of you.
And you're also learning to build it inside yourself.
Even if you don't have a partner, you're learning to
circle this, and it creates a level of vulnerability,
intimacy, and erotic energy between you that is profoundly
intense and exciting and createsa level of intimacy and
(11:20):
spiritual connection. I don't mean in a religious
sense. I mean in kind of a metaphysical
sense that goes well beyond a sex toy or a fantasy or a
threesome. And it's been really cool
because the feedback, you know, I started teaching this to
couples first. You know, I learned.
I hadn't learned it over many years, but I kind of created
techniques and systems that wereeasy to follow.
(11:42):
Then I started practicing it on my own with my husband, who's my
Guinea pig. But my trick with him is that I
don't tell him what I'm doing and then I see his reaction and
then I tell him afterwards what I did.
So I would experiment on him andthen and on myself.
And then I started teaching my clients and couples and I was
like, whoa, like the feedback I'm getting is amazing.
(12:04):
And then and then I started teaching people how to use sex
magic to manifest. So even separate from what it
creates in your relationship, sexual arousal and orgasm is the
highest frequency your body can hold.
So when you learn to combine that with intention, you're
super supercharging what you want to manifest into the
quantum field. It's all very exciting, Laura, I
(12:26):
think about just there's so manythings I want to talk about, but
let's talk about that. Let's let's start there with
manifestation. Like how is it that we can use?
I have to say I have, I, I know that I'm using sexual energy
that is coming from because I'm in such a loving, nurturing,
(12:48):
healthy partnership that it's like, and when I'm by myself,
it's like I, I feel like it's such a manifestation tool.
So how, how do you describe that?
How can we talk about that in ways that people will just like
understand? How do you use sex to manifest?
Well, so the key to the law of attraction or manifestation is
(13:08):
not just in getting clear on your want or get or intention,
right? So you know, we all, there's all
these tips and tools around manifestation.
It's stating it as if it's already here.
I am abundant. I am in a loving relationship.
I am the author of a best selling book.
I am whatever I am a mother, I am a father.
(13:29):
I am the parent of a healthy baby.
Whatever it is that you're wanting to manifest and you're
doing it in the positive, right.We know all those things and and
you know, I could write myself acheck for $1,000,000 and tell
everyone I have $1,000,000 and think I'm going to manifest it.
But unless and this is like the secret behind the secret and
much of what I taught in quantumlove.
(13:49):
And if you if you want to geek out on the science of how this
works, you can read Quantum Lovebecause.
A lot of science in the 1st. Couple of chapters I explain the
science of how this works, but the key that the secret behind
the secret is that it doesn't matter how much you say or set
that intention. You have to move into the
(14:09):
energetic frequency of he, she, they who has that which you
desire. Right?
So if I write myself a check to him for $1,000,000, I am needing
to move into to the feeling of she who had.
What would it feel like if I hadthat $1,000,000 in the bank
right now? What would it feel like inside
my body? Name those feelings.
(14:31):
It would feel like freedom. It would feel.
Freedom, that's excitement, right?
And yeah, you can. Right now I'm feeling that
feeling of just like the highestfrequency of vibration, right?
You're just like vibrating at like the yes, the yes, yes, yes.
Like you know what a yes feels like, but it's like you know all
of it. So you're in that energy as
(14:52):
you're writing the check, as you're carrying the check, as
you're imagining yourself in those scenarios.
Even better if you're imagining yourself there in first person
present, right, As if it's happening right here, right now.
Now, the key, key, key is in moving your system into those
higher frequencies. That's a lot of all kinds of
techniques I teach to do that inquantum love.
(15:13):
The cool thing about sex and sexmagic, it is magic, right?
This is something, and in particular for manifesting, this
is something that people have been doing for hundreds and
hundreds of years and writing about for hundreds of years as
well. You can, and I teach how to do
this in the book. You can, for instance.
There's lots of ways to do it. Create a visual, what's called a
sigil, a visual representation of what you want to manifest.
(15:39):
Create, create a symbol for it. And I teach you how to do this
and then kind of imprint that symbol in your mind.
Maybe even put it under a pillowor next to where you're having
sex. Some people have even told me
they hold it and look at it right as they're getting close.
I've never done that. I mean, because I'm kind of want
to be in the moment. But depends, you know, you can
play with this and you hold the image.
And this is the cool part is that you don't have to move
(16:02):
yourself into any energetic frequency because the state of
arousal, you know, on the map ofconsciousness or even on the
quantum love map, which I combine the map of consciousness
and other teachers together to kind of create a similar system.
The calibration. And this is all the sciences in
quantum love. But but each emotional state
(16:22):
we're in has an energetic frequency.
And the higher the energetic frequency is, the better you're
going to manifest what you want.The lowest frequency the body
can hold is shame, then guilt, anger, resentment, all those
things. Once you start moving to
curiosity, now you're in the yummy zone.
Curiosity, forgiveness, excitement, joy, joy, right?
(16:45):
Those things are the highest frequency the body can hold is
bliss, which is that feeling of sexual arousal and orgasm that
your body is at its highest frequency when you are in those
states. So when you hold that image of
that which you want to manifest and you're holding that while
(17:06):
you reach high levels, arousal and orgasm, even cooler it.
You don't have to, but even cooler if both of you are
focusing on the same thing. You can do this alone.
You can do it on your own when you're with a partner, but you
could also do it to if there's something you want to jointly
manifest and then you're double supercharging it.
So great. Yeah.
(17:28):
You know, that is, you share a lot of your client examples
around, you know, problems that issues that people have in the
bedroom, right. And like you say over and over,
and you've said it now in this conversation, it's not all, it's
not just about the sex toys or the positions or, you know, if
you're in a place of shame, for instance, yeah, within yourself
(17:49):
or you're inhibited. It's like you are are already
just in the fact of you're feeling those feelings, you're
in those low frequency states. If we're going to talk about
frequency, if we want the magic of it, we have to, we have to
deal with that inner stuff. Yeah, right.
Yeah. So can we talk about that is
like just you give you give somereally great examples around.
(18:10):
There's there's this one woman who you talk about who she in
her whole life was as a child, she was parent, she parentified,
right. So she had to be the parent in
her relationship. She had to raise her, I think it
was eight siblings or something and then run her.
And now she runs the family business, She's employing a lot
of her siblings. And then you think you know.
(18:31):
Can you relate to this? I like to do this, but just, but
I I think and then in the bedroom she's having she's
having issues with her partner with her husband because she's
like parentifying. She she's, she's parenting her
husband. Right.
And resenting him because he's another kid, right?
And that's so common. Oh my God, that's so common.
(18:51):
I see in in relationships, Yeah.And so how can you give an
example right there like we can all kind of think about how all
of that that I just explained would translate it to the
bedroom? Yeah, I mean, I always say sex
is rarely about sex. Just a teeny bit of what I do in
my 30 year practice is about thelogistics of sex.
(19:15):
That's the easy part and the straightforward part.
The part, it's all the other stuff, yes.
And sex is rarely about sex. It's about intimacy.
It's about trauma. It's about the blocks that you
have to pleasure. It's the way that you feel
inhibited. And in the case you're talking
about is the resentments that build because of the wounds and
(19:37):
that you haven't healed that have prevented you from setting
the boundaries that you really need to set, right.
So in her case, and I'm having abrain freeze because I changed,
I don't want to say her real name.
I I know it, but I changed everybody's names.
And her name was Zoya. Her name was Zoya I believe.
Okay, well, so in her case she was.
(19:58):
Actually, no, I'm so sorry, Mercedes.
Mercedes okay, so in her case, she was like you said,
parentified and had always takencare of everyone and now was,
and this is such an epidemic among women and now is
completely drained. And then feels resentment
because everybody's gotten used to her doing everything right.
(20:18):
So in her case, and this is often it's, it's yeah, okay, go
and set boundaries, right? But you can tell someone who's
never set boundaries before, wholearned and isn't even aware of
how unconsciously they learned that if you don't take care of
me, you're I'm not going to giveyou love and approval and you're
not going to be safe. And also kind of fell into that
(20:41):
codependent trap that so many ofus I'm a recovering on
codependents fall into, which isif you need me, you won't leave
me. So if I may, if I take care of
you, if I, and this is what she learned as a child, what many of
us, if I take care of you, A, I'll get my needs met because
nobody else is meeting them. B, I'll get approval in love.
(21:01):
And C, you know I won't be abandoned, right?
Because you need me to take careof the other kids.
So you'll take care of me too, right?
And it's all unconscious. But we play that out in
relationship after relationship,and we get drained, we get
exhausted, we get depressed, we get anxious, we get stressed and
severely resentful. So it wasn't enough, and it
(21:23):
isn't enough. And I talk about how to do this
in the book to just say, OK, sister, time to set some
boundaries. Yeah, I mean, OK, fine.
But I'm not going to be brave enough to set those boundaries.
I'm not going to feel strong enough to hold those boundaries
unless I'm willing to look at some of those earlier wounds and
face them and heal them. And that's where some of the
(21:45):
counseling can be so helpful anddoing some, I mean, I talk a lot
about trauma in her case, you know, I don't like qualifying
trauma because traumas, you know, how it's qualified is a
personal perception. I almost struggle with that big
T and little T trauma philosophy.
But, you know, in her case, it probably would fall into a
(22:05):
little tea trauma as opposed to someone who had been sexually
molested or abused, you know, orphysically abused or emotionally
abused. You know, she had a loving
family. She fell into this role out of
necessity and then got all the kudos, all the love, you know,
and and kept it going unconsciously.
(22:26):
And I think a lot of us do that.And if you are so for two
reasons, her sex life was struggling a because she was
completely depleted. And if you depleted all your
energy stores on everyone else, which is what we tend to do, and
putting yourself last, we only have a certain reservoir of
energy. And if we aren't doing things to
replenish it, we don't have enough energy for sexual
(22:46):
interest, much less arousal. And then she also had the
resentment of her partner in particular, but also of some of
her family members that was bubbling up to the surface.
And the reason she actually cameis because her husband was
threatening to leave her therapy, right?
Because she was being so nasty to him because of the pattern
(23:09):
she had unconsciously set up andresented.
Right. And it took therapy, it took
time. It took like I really heard the
transformation. You know, you talk about our
chakras and how important our energy systems are from our
root, you know, into our diamond.
I didn't know there was a diamond chakra.
That was great learning. Yeah.
This is why I love my job. I swear.
I learned so much. It's just so good.
(23:30):
And so you helped her unblock her solar plexus, right?
And So what? What are our solar plexus
chakra? That's our power center.
That's your power center, your sense of identity, your bad
injuries. She didn't have a childhood,
right? Like she was robbed of her
childhood. Yeah, completely.
Like all the work that you helped her to do, she was able
(23:50):
to actually start. Like when you don't, when you
don't have a childhood, it's like you actually as an adult
you want to bring back into those things that you missed.
Yes, the playing. Again, and being and actually
being taken care of by the people around her instead of her
being like she was an adult fromthe time she was a young child.
And it's like actually, even as a woman, as a, as a grown woman,
(24:12):
I want to be taken care of sometimes.
I mean, of course I could do it all myself.
We, we women nowadays, we could do it all we can.
But do I want to? No, I don't who actually, I want
my partner to take care of me just like I take care of him
sometimes. Like, like that's what that's
what our relationships are for, is to just to care for each
other. So.
And to ask. For it, yeah.
(24:33):
Ask for it, yes. So I went to Well, go ahead.
What were you going to say? No, no, that's it.
That's. I I went to my husband not long
ago. I don't know, maybe it was like
a year ago because I was feelingjust this deep need.
I don't have. I mean, I have loving friends,
but I don't have any extended family.
Both my parents are gone. I went to him and I said I'm
(24:54):
feeling a deep need for physicalnurturing.
Like, can I just climb on your lap and have you cuddle me and
just tell me everything's going to be OK and just snuggle me?
And I do that out, right? And since then, I'll just
intermittently, you know, he'll be sitting there and I'll just
come over and crawl on his lap. And he knows what to do now.
(25:16):
But I asked for it. That wouldn't have been
something that he would have occurred to him that I wanted or
he would have necessarily naturally come here, honey, get
on my lap and let me, you know. But when I asked for it, he was
very happy to give it. Yeah.
But we have to ask for it. What a beautiful example, Laura.
Yeah, I just, I really. That's so good.
(25:37):
What you're teaching so much is that our intimacy, what when we
want to have sex magic, we want to have a mind blowing, like
life altering, like beautiful expanse of sex with our partner.
It's it's like being the rawest vulnerable.
Yeah, it's, it's the, it's the intensity and, and our
(25:57):
vulnerability outside the bedroom, right.
It's the relationship that we have with ourselves and with our
partner outside of the bedroom. Yeah, You know, I did research
years ago around the country on what the most, most sexually
satisfied women had in in common.
What I found was orgasms were part of it, but they were not
(26:20):
the key to a woman's sexual satisfaction.
The key to her satisfaction was the emotional connection she
felt with the person she was having sex with.
That was the greatest predictor for her sexual satisfaction.
And it's also a huge predictor for desire, women's desire, as
well as how connected and emotionally close she feels to
(26:43):
the person she will be having sex with.
And what were the men saying? I only looked at the women in
this study, but the men were saying that, you know, I've
talked to thousands of men and it's, you know, they're to men.
It's really about there is some there they love.
This is the book. And it's so funny to me because
I've written a lot of them and most of my readers have always
(27:05):
been women. In fact, most books, you know,
most readers are women. But but Sex Magic I have had
such huge guy interest in, whichhas really been cool because you
know, they do want that erotic energy.
They always want to take it to the next level.
(27:27):
You know, they're more programmed just in their DNA in
our evolutionary history for variety, right?
And so in, but they also many ofthem, most of them really do
want a loving monogamous relationship.
So how do you create the noveltyin a loving relationship?
You know, that's where they are the ones that are most
susceptible to the porn cycle that I was talking about before,
(27:47):
right? But they love sex magic because
it's creating arousal, intensity, excitement without
having to do things that put therelationship at risk or put
their sexual function at risk. But what I don't think a lot of
women understand about men is how important, you know, women
are inspired to be sexual and enjoy sex more when they feel
(28:11):
emotionally close to the person they're having sex with.
Men feel emotionally close to their partner when they have
that physical intimacy with them.
So this is how we get into that sex romance stalemate because
she has lost desire for any number of reasons.
Medical menopausal relationship,stress, depression, like name
(28:34):
it, and isn't as available for sex.
And then he doesn't feel as emotionally close to her because
his vehicle for getting there isn't happening.
And he then withdraws emotionally, not because he's
trying to punish her, but because he doesn't feel as close
to her. And then she's that much less
inspired to be sexual. And then he's that much less
(28:55):
emotionally close to her. And then this stalemate kicks
in. Yeah, I here I am a 47 year old
woman and I'm with a partner whoI know that I've never been so
close to a man before in this way because it's so raw and
vulnerable and it keeps getting deeper and deeper, right?
(29:15):
Because I'm able to be more openand share more, which is the
scariest thing, right? It's terrifying.
Yes. Oh no.
What sharing this and this and it's like, it's like we're
constantly pushing the edge and,and it because of that, that is,
I know it's, it's and I've got the I've had the best, most
amazing sex life with him because of that openness and
(29:38):
that vulnerability. But it requires like what you
say, Laura, it requires emotional risk taking, Yes.
And when it's like, if both partners are able to do that
together and learn that, OK, it's you only do that through
practice and through through actually pushing through that,
right? It does take rest to open up and
be like, I'm not happy about this or this is what's upsetting
me. And you could say it in a loving
(29:59):
way or as loving as you can. And if it turns out that OK,
that person receives that well enough to work through it, that
is going to strengthen your connection so that you can be
more connected and raw and vulnerable in the bedroom.
In every way, I mean, we know, we know that vulnerability
promotes intimacy in your friendships.
(30:20):
When you self disclose in a healthy way, people are more
likely to self disclose to you and feel closer to you and you
feel closer to them. In relationships, it's the same
thing. And you're absolutely right.
That level of honesty and authenticity and showing your
true self and being able to be your true self and be able to be
(30:41):
held and loved, not feeling likeit's in spite of your authentic
self, but because of your authentic self is what it's all
about. And I teach people all the time.
I spend so much time with individuals and couples teaching
them how to, you know, articulate their needs and wants
or issues that are coming up to their partner and as you say, a
(31:03):
loving way. And it's really simple.
You focus on this is how you do it.
You want me to tell you how to do it in in a productive way,
right steps, right? The first is to start with and
you get clear on all this beforeyou speak to them.
First is to think about how you how you're, what's the feeling
(31:24):
that's coming up right? I'm and you just can do a body
scan or you can TuneIn I'm feeling angry, I'm feeling
scared, I'm feeling sad, I'm feeling frustrated.
Or you can even say, if you don't want to even name your
feelings, you can say I have a pit in my stomach.
I have pain in my back. I have, you know, just get
really clear and and then the second thing is what is the
story you're telling yourself? Because when you're talking to
(31:47):
someone they can't argue with. I have of a story that blah,
blah, blah. If you say you don't care about
me or I think you don't care about me or I think you're
selfish or I think you're being selfish, they're going to
completely shut down, right? But if you have a story, you say
I have a story that when you didn't call me to tell me you
(32:09):
were going to be late, that you don't really respect my time.
And when that happened, I as a result, I feel a pit in my
stomach. I feel really sad.
I feel scared and a little angry, right.
So you've said what your story is.
It's your story. Nobody can argue with your
story. You're saying what you feel.
Nobody can argue with what you feel.
(32:30):
And then the third step, super important, especially if you're
in a relationship with a man, because they need to know what
to do to fix it is what you want, right.
So when you don't call me, I have this story that you don't
really respect me or care about me or no, you know, care about
the fact that I'm worried or about my time and I feel this,
(32:51):
that and the other. And what I want is just for you
to remember to call and to let me know if you're going to be
late. It would mean so much to me if
you did. Boom, right?
You're saying what your story is, what you're feeling is, and
what you want and that's it. And nobody can argue with that.
And then you'll see how do they take that?
Do they get really defensive andtry to gaslight you right then
(33:14):
maybe they need some of their own help?
Or do they meet you there and belike, wow, I don't want you to
feel that way. I'm so sorry I didn't called.
Normally I would, but I totally forgot and I'm going to put more
attention on that. Yeah, I really like that, but
thank you for that. There's there's some somebody in
your book that you talk about a client who she was definitely
feeling inhibited in the bedroomwith her partner, except she was
(33:35):
little. Like she would be like all about
perfectionism. And so when she was having sex
with her partner, she didn't want to try new things.
She just felt like, and I think like, I, I think back to my, you
know, I'm still, I'm still getting that right.
It's a learning curve, but I definitely sometimes feel
inhibited, like, oh God, I'm going to mess up.
I don't know how to do this. And then you just like, totally
don't try it, right. Yeah, but it's like she voices
(33:56):
you. You said to her in one of your
sessions, OK, just be out there,like outside the bedroom.
You're going to say, OK, OK, this is what I'm.
This is what's going on for me. And This is why I haven't really
been trying new things. And so she had, like, back in
her story, a time when she was able to be carefree as a kid was
when she was playing tennis and her tennis teacher.
(34:17):
Finally she said to herself, I'mjust going to have like a fuck
it attitude, like just fuck it, OK.
And then all of a sudden she started playing tennis pretty
well because she stopped being so in her head and she was able
to just play, right? Right.
Yeah, right. And so you were like, just say
it. Just tell your partner, OK.
And so anyway, she said this to her boyfriend.
And, and her boyfriend's like, OK, the next time we're together
(34:38):
in the bedroom, like we're having sex and you're having any
sort of like scared feelings or anything or like that, you're
going to, I think I'm judging you just say fuck it.
And then I and he's like, that'scool.
And then now I'll know, OK, That's why you're like acting a
certain way. Yes, that's why I feel you
pulling your energy back. Right.
So that became their signal thatshe was in her head a little
(34:58):
bit. And then he could reassure her
this feels great, this, you know, whatever.
So yeah, she had some performance anxiety.
And sometimes people have. Yeah.
So being honest outside the bedroom is really helpful.
I mean, it's always good to be honest outside the bedroom, in
the bedroom too, but you got to be careful about keeping it
(35:18):
positive, right? So if you have any quote UN
quote negative feedback, better to unless it's hurting or
dangerous or upsetting. You know, if it's all other
things being equal, wait to talkabout it till you're outside and
then you can come up with a planfor inside, right?
But I also find that lots of people struggle with the stories
(35:39):
they have about who, you know, what a nice a good woman does or
doesn't do sexually or what a good man or whoever does.
Or, you know, we have all of these stories about what's OK or
not OK to do or ways to behave sexually.
So a lot of it is like getting clear on what those stories are
and deciding like, is this something, you know, because
(36:01):
once I have this thing, I take people through where I haven't
put in one column all, especially people who really
struggle with inhibitions in onecolumn.
Put all your stories, you know, nice, good women don't initiate
sex. They, you know, don't.
Take you're raised Catholic, right?
Yeah. It's just like I was.
It was just like. You probably have a long list,
yeah. Time like the Catholic internal.
(36:23):
Yes, so you got to externalize it all and put them all down in
the first comp and the second column next to each.
Where did that come from? So it might have been when, you
know, Sister Mary Margaret said you'll go to hell if you touch
yourself and you know, next to women don't masturbate or
whatever, you know, or they don't ask for what they need in
(36:44):
the bedroom. You know, my I remember my
mother. You may have I mean, this didn't
happen to me, but I'm just giving an example.
Your mother and and your aunt talking about the neighbor being
a slut because she had sex with more than one person, right?
Or all of these little moments that happen and sometimes big
consistent moments that have taught us these.
And most of them you'll rememberand at least an example of where
(37:06):
you got that story. And then in the third column,
you put keep or release, right? Because as the woman, man, adult
you are now, do you still reallybelieve this or not?
And some of them you may, and that's OK.
But most of them you'll be like,no, I don't believe that
anymore. So the next time that story
comes up or that inhibition comes up, you're like, oh,
(37:28):
that's Sister Mary Margaret, notme.
I'm not subscribing to that. It it becomes externalized and
it works really well with with those kinds of inhibitions.
Yeah, there's a whole chapter. There's so many great chapters.
There's a whole chapter on embodiment.
Yes. Can we go into that, Laura?
Because I think so many of us, Iknow myself, I've been like, I
(37:50):
am here. I am like this year.
I've really been so in my body more than I have in my whole
life. Yeah, you know, because I it
was, it must have been like, yes, a subconscious way that I
was protecting myself. That's what we do.
You know, leaving, leaving my body not being fully present,
like I was anxious anxiety. It's like I'm in my head
(38:10):
thinking about what's going to happen in the future or in the
past What's and it's like you'reliving in your past and your
future, all not in the present. None of which is real, right?
Right. And so embodiment has been, can
we talk about the importance of that and how?
Really. I mean how you can.
Be more embodied. Yeah, and it's definitely, it is
the path to healing. And it's also a sign of healing
(38:31):
both because when you most of usare not in our bodies, we're
walking around in the world in our heads or disassociated where
we're not even in the building. And from a sexual standpoint, if
you want to really tap into or any, not even sexual, just in
general, if you want to work with manifestation, with energy,
(38:52):
with open heartedness, with evenit from a spiritual pursuit.
Like I work with a lot of peoplewho are seeking connection with
God, Spirit, universe, whatever you want to call it that is
inside. It's not found outside of you.
And when you can't be in your body and in the subtle
sensations of what it feels likewhen you really tap into that
(39:13):
energy in the center of your heart, or when you pull the
earth's energy up into your bodyto ground or access your diamond
chakra as you were talking about, you know, there's all
these beautiful spiritual practices that get you more
tapped and tuned in. Downloading divine inspiration,
manifesting all of that requiresbeing in your body.
(39:33):
Your body is your transceiver. It's your transmitter of
frequency and it's your receiverof how you receive information.
And from a sexual standpoint, ifyou aren't in your body may
forget sex magic. You're not going to necessarily
even enjoy sex or be able to getaroused and reach orgasms, much
less be able to work with these beautiful energetics that you
(39:54):
can move through your body and between the two of you.
And so certainly, if you've had a history of any kind of sexual
trauma or assault, small or large, or however you want to
qualify it, you probably learnedto leave.
With your body during sex, because thank God you did,
especially if you were abused, you know, in your life or
consistently assaulted or abused.
(40:16):
That's the only way that you or even once you learn to leave and
go somewhere else in your mind. And then even when you're with a
loved and trusted partner, that's just your default.
You aren't in the body. You lose time or you're
thinking, or for some people, it's just like, I'm thinking
about soccer practice and I'm going to get my kids there.
(40:36):
Whether the windows are closed, I'm just thinking about other
things. Sometimes it's a habit that
we've developed. Sometimes it's a stress
response, sometimes it's a trauma response.
But what it comes back to is sexat its finest is a mindfulness
experience. You know, and the more you can
come, it's. Mindful and like.
It's mindful and like embodied. Yes, well, that's what
(40:58):
mindfulness is, is being fully present in the now in your body.
All these quote UN quote mindfulness practices are
intended to do that so that for whatever intentions so that you
can tap in more so that you can create manifest more so that you
can have more pleasure, right? All of it starts with being
(41:18):
present in your body. So a lot of the practices I
teach around grounding in your body, coming into your body,
pulling energy into your body from above, circling it through
your body, pulling it up from the earth and circling it
around. I mean, almost every day I go
out and plop my butt on the in the grass and just pull energy
up and out the top of my head. And then I let it fall back down
(41:43):
and go deep, deep, deep into theearth, grounding me there.
I'll just do that for 5 minutes when I'm feeling stressed and I
am like back home, grounded, calibrated and back in my
system. But super important sexually.
So, so important to live like inyour fullness.
And I, I know like, and so that right there when you said that
(42:04):
you're doing that, I mean, Laura, you know that that is
something that works and you've practiced it.
You know, one of my appointmentswas cancelled this afternoon and
I'm like, my immediate thing waslike, OK, I'm going to go for a
walk. Like I'm going to, and that I
know that going for that walk. And I, and I'm consciously
walking and, you know, communingwith the trees in the air.
Like I'm so excited about it because I'm like, yay, I, I have
(42:27):
a free hour now that I didn't have before and I'm going to
walk. Like I know that's something
that's going to be good for me and it's going to be grounding
and embodied. And yeah, so like I just because
that's become a practice in my life and something that I just,
I know that works. Yeah, you could find you want to
find practices that work. Right.
Yeah. And I love that you're going out
in nature because, and I and I do talk about this in sex magic.
(42:49):
Nature, you know, has a pure high frequency.
That's why we feel so good when we're in her, because unlike
humans, we're constantly matching each other's energetic
frequency and finding the happy medium.
Unless you're consciously holding your own energetic
frequency, we're all just matching each other.
Nature holds a steady frequency,no matter does not change.
(43:11):
Doesn't matter who is in her or around her.
You have no choice but to match her energy.
She never matches yours. So when you spend time in
nature, it automatically raises your frequency.
And then, if you can, take your shoes off somewhere where there
is earth or grass. And really grounds there you're
in training even more to the energetic frequency of the
(43:34):
Earth. And right now, ironically, or
maybe not so it was in 2021, right when the pandemic was
hitting the Schumann resonance, which is monitored by NASA.
It's the electromagnetic field of the Earth, the pulse, the
frequency that the Earth puts out, that nature puts out that
that the Earth we're on puts outthat we're all matching.
(43:57):
It drastically spiked and has remained there.
So the frequency of Mother Earthjumped in 2021 and has sustained
there. It's jumped even more up and
down to that level, but it is ata significantly higher frequency
since 2021, which is interestingto me because we automatically
(44:18):
match that. And what happens when our when
we're all of a sudden, and you'll notice this as you do
healing work and your frequency rises in general, not just
because you're having lovely thoughts, but just your baseline
frequency is higher. People will sometimes freak out
on you or suddenly go nuts on you or reject you mostly because
(44:41):
or just disappear because they are at a lower, much lower
frequency. The only way we can relate to
each other is if we're in a harmonic frequency.
So if your frequency goes reallyup and someone else's in your
life is really low, they will freak out being around you or
they will just disappear. And so I think that's a lot of
the reason why people in generalare freaking out right now is
(45:04):
because everybody's having to face their shit because they're
being yanked up to this higher frequency.
So they're having to release allthis density and they don't know
that's happening or how to do that.
So all their shadows are coming up and all their stuff and
everybody's losing it. That's my story, anyway.
You know, I believe it. I'm living it.
This past year has been a clearing me too in many many
(45:27):
many ways. Like it's like cleaning house in
all respects. Yes, and I've always kept a
clean house, but this is on a very bigger level.
Yes, yes, exactly. On an energetic level.
Yeah, something I wanted to quote this part of your book
because, Laura, I loved it so much.
It's about monogamy and being ina committed relationship.
(45:49):
Discover this new story about monogamy.
You get to spend the rest of your life learning to have
passion, heart stirring sex withyour partner, and you get to be
compassionate and patient duringthose times when it's not
everything you might have hoped for.
You get to Make Love anew every day and find new ways to express
that love. And you get to do so in a place
(46:11):
without judgment or fear or doubt.
You get to love and be loved in the most perfect way that 2
human beings can love each other.
And you get to do so for as longas you both have breath in your
lungs. I mean, if you're with a partner
that you can do that with and belike and just grow with and
expand with and just that is thedream.
That is what I've always wanted in a, in a partnership, in a
(46:34):
committed loving relationship isto be able to have that that
safety, that security, but also that freedom, right?
Yeah. And if you're in that place with
somebody like you can, you can work on, on the, on the sex
magic overtime, right? You have the time.
Your life has sex magic. Yes, but I think what you're
(46:55):
inviting us to do is so many things, Laura, like this book is
so full of of like new ways to look at ourselves and each other
and so much of it, like you said, the frequency of
curiosity. Oh, my goodness, right.
That is high frequency. It is curiosity.
Can we talk about that before weclose and just how important?
Yeah. I mean, that's the tipping
point. Being in curiosity is the
(47:18):
tipping point from what I call ego frequency and home
frequency. That is where you're moving out
of the lower frequencies and tipping over.
If you can just stay in curiosity, much less joy,
forgiveness, excitement, all those higher frequency, all
those on the higher end. If you could just stay in
curiosity, 51% of the time your entire world will change.
(47:43):
And you will become a magnet forso many beautiful things.
Curiosity opens our hearts. It opens us to the
possibilities. It opens our minds to a
different way of maybe looking at things.
It softens the grip of the stories that aren't serving us
that we're attaching to. You know, and even when
(48:03):
something tough happens or if like I have a disappointment or
something's just really messed up and not working, I will just
get like, I'll just get curious of like, what is this here to
teach? Or how might this serve me in
the end? Or even if it doesn't serve me,
what might I learn from this? Or how might I use this as an
opportunity to learn more into faith, right?
(48:25):
Like just getting curious opens up a whole new energy for you
and new pathways and new ways ofseeing and new ways of seeing
your partner, much less yourselfand your situation.
And and ask, I really, really like that because it's like the
curiosity piece. Even if you, like you said, you
(48:45):
don't, you don't have the answers.
You could ask like ask for, ask for the insight, ask for the
answer. And often we will get like some
sort of download and like this is the new way to look at it.
Didn't think of it that way, right?
Yeah, or I'm curious because I'mfeeling a distance from you,
even from your partner. I'm feeling a distance and I'm
(49:06):
really curious. And when I've been feeling that
distance, I feel tight in my chest.
I feel scared. I'm making up a story.
I'm making up this story that you're not as into me right now.
I don't know what it is, so I'm just really curious.
I wanted to check it out with you because what I really want
is to feel aligned and really close to you, right?
That's a great way to be curious.
(49:29):
Thank you, Laura. You're the best.
You are so good after we talk, that's for sure Good.
You are a healing presence in this world.
Thank you, my life. Thank you.
Thank you for. Having me and for talking sex
magic, my new favorite. Topic My goodness, I'm excited
to practice sex magic over and over and over again.
Yeah, keep us posted. I'm going to close with a
(49:50):
blessing, that's what, because Ilove to do that when it's all
from your sentiments from your book this week.
So may we bring patience, compassion and humor to sex.
I will add fun and then laughter.
I love that part. Yeah.
May we remember that the best thing we can do for our love
life is to start every day with the realization that your
(50:14):
partner is not the same person you slept next to last night.
They're growing, changing and evolving just as you are.
And may we practice focusing on presence over distraction,
connection over escape, thrilling depth over cheap
thrills, authenticity over performance, and fulfillment
(50:35):
over emptiness. This is what sex magic is, an
invitation to view intimacy as sacred Again.
Yeah. Amen.
Thank you, doctor. Laura Berman.
And so it is. And so it is.
Thank you so much for being herewith us.
(50:56):
Let's Talk Love is brought to you by Real Love Ready and
hosted by Robin Ducharme. If you'd like to keep learning
with us, visit realloveready.comfor more resources and tools to
boost your relational skills andget better at love.
If this podcast has resonated with you, it would mean the
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(52:02):
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