Ask Uncut - Back ups, Bills and Bed Side Manner - Life Uncut

Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Life on Cut acknowledges the traditional custodians of country whose
lands were never seated. We pay our respects to their
elders past and present.

Speaker 2 (00:07):
Always was, always will be Aboriginal Land. This episode was
recorded on de rug Wallamuta Land.

Speaker 3 (00:23):
Hi guys, and welcome back to another episode of Life
on Cut. Laura, I know if someone slipped or something
in a drink? What is wrong with you?

Speaker 4 (00:32):
I'm in such a good brood, which I shouldn't be.
I should you should be, but this isn't. I don't
think this is a good mood. I fact, you're loopy,
like I've lost the put.

Speaker 3 (00:40):
It finally happened after four and a half years.

Speaker 4 (00:44):
Oh oh wait, you think you haven't lost a plot
before this moment? That is in correct, That is entirely inaccurate.

Speaker 3 (00:48):
No, I had a real doozy of the day yesterday.

Speaker 2 (00:50):
I had a lot of tears. And then you know
when you're upset and you have like a bad day.
I'll explain the bad day another day. Today's not the day.

Speaker 1 (00:58):
You can't bread crumb You're crazy and not tell anyone exciting.

Speaker 3 (01:02):
I just had a bad day. God for ages, it's
like for hours.

Speaker 2 (01:05):
But you know, when you've had that low, the only
way to go, the only place to go after that
is up. And so now I'm on the manic high. Yeah,
that's where I up and.

Speaker 3 (01:15):
Loopy you've gone.

Speaker 1 (01:16):
You're on the way up, but then you've taken a
bypass and then you're like doing a little circles on
the way up.

Speaker 3 (01:20):
And then you're going to go back and continue on
your journey. Well, I'm having a good time anyway. Welcome
back to the podcast everyone.

Speaker 2 (01:25):
It is ask gun cut where we answer you deep
your dark and you're burning questions.

Speaker 1 (01:28):
I'm glad you haven't sat in that moment, like I'm
glad you haven't sat in yesterday because a lot of
people get sad and then they can't get out of it.

Speaker 3 (01:35):
But you shot right out.

Speaker 4 (01:37):
Nah. I don't stay sad for long. I just get
down there, mushrooms. I flirt with the sadness.

Speaker 2 (01:42):
I have a bad day, and then usually the next
day I wake up and I'm like, cool, I'm glad
we got that out of a system.

Speaker 3 (01:48):
Also, every so often a good cry man, it's a reset.
It is a recent Well.

Speaker 4 (01:52):
I knows you got a new laptop because you dropped
yours in a bucket of water.

Speaker 2 (01:55):
I did, if you listened to Tuesday's episode. I have
mentioned this on my suck, but I don't think i've
really explained the depths of what losing a laptop to
a bottle of baby fucking bottle does to your soul,
like my entire laptop. So if you miss it on
the second suite of Tuesdays, when we're flying back from Byron, Lola,
she's I mean, man, she shouldn't have.

Speaker 3 (02:14):
A bottle anymore. The kids.

Speaker 4 (02:17):
You know what, even at thirty, you have a drink bottle,
like it's okay to have a drink bottle over.

Speaker 3 (02:21):
The problem is it's not one here. It's not a
frank green drink bottle.

Speaker 2 (02:25):
It's a baby bottle, like it's a bottle that an
infant should have.

Speaker 3 (02:28):
She's too old for it, and I know she's too
old for it.

Speaker 2 (02:31):
They're the bottles that leak because I have a little
teet and so when the air pressure comes it pushes
the water.

Speaker 3 (02:35):
I know all this. I know she also has a dummy.
I just can't be fucked.

Speaker 2 (02:41):
Take it off opening yourself up here. I know you
can judge my terrible parenting. I don't care the bottle
and the dummy thing. I was like, when she actually
turns three, I'll take them offer. And I know it's
really old for her to still have a bottle. She
barely uses it. She just carries it around. She just
likes having the option of it.

Speaker 4 (02:57):
You know, she just eat all right, won't get we've
Jalola's drinking habits here.

Speaker 3 (03:01):
Okay.

Speaker 2 (03:02):
Makes it feel secure, I know, because I know there's
going to be mums listening to this who were like,
what fourteen thousand day old has a has a drink bottle?

Speaker 3 (03:08):
What fourteen thousand and a half day old?

Speaker 2 (03:11):
Okay, So I had the bottle in my bag. It
exploded with the air pressure of the cabin, you know. Anyway,
it went all through my laptop. Matt spent two days
trying to revive my laptop. Then he'd put it in
a box covered in rice. He then had the hair
dryer out and was trying to dry it up. Very
optimistic of him, it really was. And he was like,
don't worry, baby, I'm going to save this because it
had everything I needed in it. Like, there's so much

(03:32):
of my life that's in that laptop.

Speaker 3 (03:33):
Well, I think the old like rice in a bucket.

Speaker 1 (03:36):
Thing usually works when maybe you've spilt a little bit
on a phone or something. But like, it's not like
throwing your laptop in the ocean and getting it back
out and being like, throw some rice on.

Speaker 3 (03:43):
It doesn't quite work.

Speaker 2 (03:45):
Yeah, look, i'd like to confirm it did not work.
I was optimistic. I thought things would go my way.
You know, every so often the universe throws you a bone.
Not today, my friend narrator, it did not go her way.
It did not go my way. I ended up having
to go to the Apple store and I got a
new laptop, which is very sexy. It is sexy, it's
a nice like it looks good, but it's pretty useless

(04:06):
at the moment because all the things I need are
not inside this. They're inside the laptop that's on my
kitchen bench covered in ros.

Speaker 4 (04:11):
It is like being reborn, isn't It's like when you
get a new phone or in your laptop and you're
so used to knowing where everything is, what you've got
on there, and getting a new one, it's a rebirth.

Speaker 2 (04:19):
Oh I'm so naked. I don't know where anything is. Also,
it's very inconvenient timing, but that's okay. Maybe that added
to why I was like so sad yesterday. Can I
also just like, take this moment, everyone listening, wherever you are,
if you're sitting in your car, if you're on the bus,
if you're sitting at home, maybe you're playing this through
your laptop. If you have ever had the thought over
the last couple of months or weeks, god, I really

(04:40):
need to back that up. But you didn't do it
because we've all been there. We've all thought I need
to do this, and then you're like, I'll just do
it in the future, and then the future comes and
the future looks like your laptop swimming in your handbag
with a bottle of water.

Speaker 3 (04:53):
Just do it now, go back it up. You just
reminded me.

Speaker 4 (04:57):
I have been getting messages for the better part the
better part of six months.

Speaker 3 (05:02):
I've been getting these sporadic messages like literally.

Speaker 1 (05:06):
To my normal, I message, you owe this money, like
you haven't paid this money.

Speaker 3 (05:10):
For tolls for like travel, And I have a linked
card that I direct.

Speaker 1 (05:14):
Debit, right, so like you know, you get the things
you stick on your window every time you go in,
I have linked that to a direct debit. So I
kept getting these messages and I'm like, it's obviously a
scam because there were scams going around.

Speaker 2 (05:25):
Yeah, like click this link, pay your a toll and
you're like, no, I don't need to totally automatically exactly.

Speaker 3 (05:30):
I mean I wouldn't know what that's like.

Speaker 2 (05:31):
But apparently things come out of automatically and it's so bad.

Speaker 3 (05:34):
Yeah, exactly if you could learn something, Laura.

Speaker 1 (05:36):
It always came with a link to click, and I
never did it because I thought once I clicked on it,
you know, that's the scam.

Speaker 3 (05:42):
Once you click on it.

Speaker 4 (05:43):
Somehow in my mind, it takes all your data and
knows everything about you once you follow that link.

Speaker 3 (05:48):
So I ignored it. I've I probably got like eighty messages.

Speaker 4 (05:52):
Over what span of time for a year, yeah, quite
a long time. Then the messages started getting quite like
more severe and aggressive, like it went from you o this,
you owe this, and the price is kept going up.

Speaker 3 (06:01):
Please check this, you owe this?

Speaker 4 (06:03):
And I was like fuck, these people even blocked the
number and then they started messaging it from a different number,
and I was like, oh, these scammers don't get it.

Speaker 3 (06:10):
They're good, They're good.

Speaker 4 (06:12):
And I finally because I got a message on the
weekend being like your details have been obtained by New
South Wales law, like full on police, like we're investigating
this is your case number, all this stuff, and I
was like.

Speaker 3 (06:23):
Wow, they're going to the extreme.

Speaker 1 (06:25):
Debt collectors will becoming you owe this much money, and
I was like, I'll just risk it.

Speaker 3 (06:29):
I'll just click on the link and anywhey's real. I
haven't paid any of my bills for a year.

Speaker 1 (06:34):
I had a ridiculous amount I don't even want to
say it, a ridiculous amount of tolls.

Speaker 3 (06:40):
That's very annoying.

Speaker 2 (06:41):
I know, I know, but also not your fault because
we've been led to believe that any text mess that
comes through from like an unauthorized numbers a scam exactly exactly.

Speaker 4 (06:50):
But anyway, maybe just investigate that if you guys are
also getting those messages and might a should be.

Speaker 2 (06:55):
Real, could actually be really you could actually have a
debt collector coming after you. So yesterday I find I
made an appointment to go and get my skin checked.
And I have been meaning to go and do this
since you were talking about everything that you had done.
A couple of months ago. Britt Britt went through having
her skin check. Then she went through this crazy hectic
peel and I, I mean, I'm glad you waited six months.
I finally made the appointment. I went for my screening yesterday.

(07:16):
I did the mole map thing, you know, when you stand,
so for anyone who hasn't been, you can go and
get a full body mole map thing where you stand
and they take photos of like your shins, then they
take photos of your mid section, then they take photos
of your head, and then you turn around.

Speaker 3 (07:28):
Then you do the same thing. You do these random poses.

Speaker 2 (07:31):
Your tire body and they take photos of every single
part of your body, and then they map the moles
to your body so they can track how big they get,
you know, how they change and everything. It's very important
go to a skin clinic, like you should do this.
But have you guys ever experienced going to a doctor
that just has like not a bedside manner that aligns
with the bedside manner in which you would expect or
which you would hope for. Yeah, so with the whole

(07:53):
mole mapping thing, you've got to be like quite naked.
And then I did like the doctor's check afterwards, so
I was naked except for a g string in front
of and boo boobs out in front of, like a
forty year old man. I didn't know he was going
to be a man. I would have preferred to have
chosen a female. Obviously, it doesn't matter. He sees boobs
all day. But like Irofessional and my g string was
like it was really old and.

Speaker 3 (08:15):
String was you do not even need to spell that way.

Speaker 2 (08:18):
It's been through an aggressive wash cycle and things are
not Things.

Speaker 4 (08:22):
Are just not as tucked in as they used to be.
I feel like everything needs more support. And I hate
you look shocked and you look horrified.

Speaker 1 (08:28):
I'm just imagining now like a really discolored ging with
your flapped out the side.

Speaker 3 (08:32):
Well, yeah, they went out the side.

Speaker 2 (08:34):
They were just they were just loosely, loosely held within
my highway running between two mountains. Yes, thank you, between
a very c through well worn underwear as.

Speaker 1 (08:45):
We imagine, Not that it matters, but I've got a
real visual imagine. You wouldn't have been like waxed or anything.

Speaker 2 (08:50):
No, because I just didn't expect that I was getting
I didn't expect I was getting that naked. I also
didn't expect it to be a forty year old man,
I just thought because my general GP, she's a female,
and never feel that all this whatever anyway, so he's
checking my back.

Speaker 3 (09:03):
And his face very softly spoken.

Speaker 2 (09:05):
He speaks like this, really softly spoken, excuse me, could
you please remove your pants?

Speaker 3 (09:11):
And I'm like, okay, this is weird.

Speaker 2 (09:14):
I take my pants off and he's like, could you
please just remove your uh your covering.

Speaker 3 (09:19):
I was like, okay, so here I am removing my covering.

Speaker 2 (09:21):
And then the longer this went on, the weirder the
quiet whispering got. It made me feel so uncomfortable because
when someone speaking to you like this, I wanted him
to be assertive. I wanted him to be like, Okay,
now I'm going to check your back. He was like,
now I'm going to check your.

Speaker 3 (09:36):
It wasn't a sexual experience. Tell me what you want?
Hold me, yeah, tell me out. Don't you give a
slap in the bit like he's a doctor.

Speaker 4 (09:45):
Choke me.

Speaker 3 (09:46):
He's like, ma'am, do you know where you are? You're
in a doctor's clinic.

Speaker 4 (09:49):
No.

Speaker 3 (09:50):
This is when it got weird. So he kept telling
me that I was doing a.

Speaker 2 (09:54):
Really good job, but he christ jan and you like
every time I would you know, he would check my
back and he would.

Speaker 3 (10:00):
Go, you're doing a really good job, okay, Jeffrey Dharma.
So then he checked my boobs and he's like, you're
doing a really good job.

Speaker 4 (10:08):
And I was like, I am so uncomfortable, But also like,
what job are you doing?

Speaker 1 (10:12):
You're standing there naked. I's doing it really well. You
stood there for you naked. You naked it so well.

Speaker 2 (10:20):
Why isn't that every time I go and have some
sort of healthcare a boy, but it ends up just
being uncomfortable and awkward. And I know there's gonna be
someone listening to this and they're gonna be like, don't
talk about the awkward things. We need to advocate for
good health. And of course we do go and get
your skin checked. I'm not saying that, but like you know,
bedside matter is important, and I feel like if you're
going to be checking a person naked, don't whisper at them.

Speaker 3 (10:40):
It makes it weirdob doing a good job. I wouldn't
got my skin checked again yesterday too. That definitely did
not happen. But I had a real doozy yesterday.

Speaker 4 (10:50):
I don't know what happened when I woke up, like
I just wasn't My brain just wasn't functioning.

Speaker 3 (10:55):
So why were you asleep getting a skin check? Your
first problem? And then he was late next to me, going,
you stroking your head? Yeah? Yeah? Is that no normal?
Your doctor doesn't do house Visit's no. I just woke up.

Speaker 1 (11:09):
My brain was all over the place. So I got
up and I had a full day of like shit
to get through. I had appointments, and I had errands,
and I had to be out with Delilah, and obviously
I had my very important coffee appointment.

Speaker 3 (11:18):
But it was like halfway through the.

Speaker 1 (11:19):
Day that I realized my pants were on backwards and
I had a full on tag flapping out.

Speaker 3 (11:24):
And not only the tag. I had these pants that
they're like bike pants.

Speaker 1 (11:28):
But that you know where all the information isn't written
on a tag, but it's written on the material so
everyone could see it.

Speaker 2 (11:34):
Did you not feel like there was extra room in
the front and the back was really tight?

Speaker 4 (11:38):
No, because they weren't backwards, they were inside out.

Speaker 3 (11:41):
They were just so inside out.

Speaker 1 (11:42):
I was like, how have I been out for four
hours talking to people and no one has told me?
Because I'm the person. If I saw somebody like that
I would tell them.

Speaker 4 (11:52):
I would go up to them and say, sorry, I
don't want embarrass you, but like, just want you to
know your pants are on inside out. I can see
where you got them from. I can see that maybe
Lauda janey're beautiful. I would tell somebody. But then last
night we went out for a dinner and a drink,
like the three of us, Keisha, Laura, and myself. And
halfway through the night, Keisha leans over and she's like, oh, Brittany, sorry,

(12:13):
you've got this black mascara or down your cheek.

Speaker 3 (12:16):
She's like, can I get it off? And I was like,
oh my god, thank you must have just fallen. And
Laura goes that or I was like, oh, I've seen that
there for hours, and I said, why don't you tell me?
And I was too hard, It was too hard to
tell you. And I'm like, you're that person.

Speaker 4 (12:30):
You're the person that doesn't tell someone that they've got
like a whole thing of asparagus in their teeth.

Speaker 3 (12:34):
I don't.

Speaker 2 (12:34):
And do you know why? It's not because I often forget.
It's not that.

Speaker 3 (12:39):
You don't forget. You're looking at them.

Speaker 4 (12:41):
You are looking at my face being like she's got
that on her face, but it's too hard to get off.

Speaker 2 (12:44):
No, I do forget so like, and I wonder if
other people relate to this. If I see that someone
has something in their teeth or they have something on
their face.

Speaker 3 (12:51):
I'll clock it.

Speaker 2 (12:53):
But but wait, but wait, I clock it, but then like,
it's so not a thing to me, like you having
a little bit of mascara on your cheek, like I
had a nice, fancy Russian I just didn't like I
noticed it, but then I didn't notice it after that.
And so like you're in the middle of speaking, so
I didn't want to be like, oh, excuse me, you've
got this on your face.

Speaker 3 (13:08):
I just wasn't wasn't in a presentation, in a stage.
I was only talking to you, I know. But it's
just like I just don't notice these things on people.

Speaker 1 (13:15):
I would spit on your face and wipe it off
in the middle of your talking. If you had something
on your face that sounded aggressive, I would lick. I
would look my thumb with mo own saliva and like
you know how your mum does it, and like scrubs
that thing off your face.

Speaker 3 (13:26):
That's what I would do.

Speaker 4 (13:26):
Anyway, I think I learned a lot about my two
closest friends last night at dinner.

Speaker 2 (13:30):
Yeah, I think people are gonna interpret that as though
that that's a bad quality. But no, I just I
just don't care that much. Like if I had something else,
it's not bad.

Speaker 3 (13:38):
You don't need to care.

Speaker 2 (13:41):
I need to care, you idiot, ha ha fuck fuck.
I guess what I'm saying is, it's not a big
deal if I had a little bit of I know,
but if I had a bit of a scar on
my face, it's not a big deal.

Speaker 3 (13:54):
Would I care if you pointed out to me. Probably not.
That is a load of rubbish.

Speaker 4 (13:58):
You would care if you'd been walking around something on
your face and you got home and I.

Speaker 3 (14:01):
Was like, sorry, I saw that. Therefore I was ago,
but I didn't want to tell you.

Speaker 2 (14:04):
Guys, I've walked around with literal human shit on me
before and I haven't noticed, and no one told me.

Speaker 3 (14:09):
So I feel like I had a turn on.

Speaker 2 (14:10):
I had no I had shit on my shirt, Lola
shit on my shirt, and I walked around with it
and no one told me, and then I thought it
was cappuccino, but it wasn't.

Speaker 3 (14:20):
We've all been there.

Speaker 2 (14:20):
If you're mum, Anyway, let's get into our vibes and
unsubscribes before we answer your questions. And I have a
self indulgent vibe, but I don't even care because it's
that time of year everybody, because I'm excited and that
is that. It is Tony May's Black Friday Sale. It
starts today, which is do you know what it could afford?

Speaker 3 (14:39):
Sound effects? Swipe up, side up, swipe up.

Speaker 2 (14:42):
Like I don't talk about Tony Mae much on here,
and it's like this other whole business and this other
whole life that takes as much mental space. It takes
as much time as lifelung Cut does. But because life
on Cut is so media phasing that it kind of
seems like this is my number one and only thing
that I do. I guess in the world of work.
But Tony May has been around for fourteen years now,

(15:03):
and the like four days is our I mean as fuck,
it's crazy.

Speaker 4 (15:07):
It's crazy for me being associated with you, just being
in your world over this time because it's the busiest,
craziest time of year for you. Yeah, why Black Friday
sales the biggest is it? Because you can do your
Christmas shopping Like we don't even see even no.

Speaker 2 (15:19):
Do you know what though Black Friday is, it's obviously
very Americanized, and I think some people are annoyed by
it because some people are like, oh the American way,
they're taking over with their Halloween and they're Black Fridays.

Speaker 3 (15:28):
I don't care if I get twenty five percent.

Speaker 2 (15:30):
Totally ill like take over if it means I'm going
to get seventy percent off, shit No. But I think
the reason why is because like traditionally in Australia, the
biggest sales used to be Boxing Day sales, Like people
used to go into the city lineup, used to see it.
I remember watching the news and people would line up.
Like back when I used to have my shop in Westfield,
people camped out to do it at Boxing Day sale, right,

(15:50):
and they would be in the stores at seven am,
Like it was a crazy frenetic energy. But since online
shopping has happened and Black Friday has been established within Australia,
Boxing Day sales are actually quite disappointing now, especially if
you shop in store, like they're very very average in
comparison to what they used to be. And the reason
why Black Friday has taken over is because people do
all their pre Christmas shopping, so you actually save money.

(16:13):
You can get all your Christmas presents now, and for
every single business, and I'm talking like big businesses, but
also small businesses, like businesses like Tony May. This is
like when we as a business make majority of our
revenue to get you through all of the quiet months
like January, February, March, April, they are really shitty months
for retail, and that's why you have things like Valentine's Day.
That's why you have different little events that at Pepper

(16:34):
throughout the year to try and spike retail sales.

Speaker 1 (16:36):
It's also so great because like the old Boxing Day sale,
which you know, growing up was the biggest thing for us,
Like it was huge because you do save so much money,
but it sort of defeats the purpose and it was
a bit unfair because people need those savings before Christmas,
Like people don't want to make those savings after they've
spent a motza on getting through Christmas presents, like they
want it now totally.

Speaker 2 (16:55):
But I also, apart from just that I want it
now thing, everyone talks about like Black Friday as though
it is consumerist and it's like a really negative thing,
which I understand right like, it does play into that,
but I think it is fun or negative. It's fun
more impactful if the Boxing Day sales happen after Christmas
and they are the biggest sales of the year, because
the reality is is that we live in a culture
that's going to buy things pre Christmas anyway, and then

(17:17):
people are buying more things post Christmas. So if you're
allowing people to buy something at a discount pre Christmas,
it actually then deters them from buying more once Christmas
Day's past. So I actually think it does have its
benefits as well. Also, I have a food comer. On
Boxing Day, I.

Speaker 3 (17:30):
Don't want to want to shopping.

Speaker 4 (17:31):
I don't even want to be on my phone shopping
on like the day after Christmas. I just want to
be chillin with the family, enjoying some leftover ham or turkey.

Speaker 3 (17:39):
That's it all day.

Speaker 2 (17:40):
With all the things you bought on Black Riding sale
from Tony May hashbag, but seventy percent off.

Speaker 3 (17:44):
It's great. That's that's my fave. And I promise next
week I'll bring a non work vibe, so I'm wearing
it now. Actually, this is Tony May. This is Tony.
That's not look Away brand.

Speaker 4 (17:57):
They're not on sale, No, but they're quite it's nice,
but these are all Tony made. Like, ninety percent of
what I'm wearing right now is Tony made. Ninety percent
of what I always wear is Tony. Mate, if ever
wear something else, Laura is like, where's that from?

Speaker 3 (18:08):
Trader Trader? Yeah? Poor, Hey, well I my vibe this
week is believe it or not, it's not true crime.
It's not a TV show.

Speaker 1 (18:19):
It is something very domestic because I am ten percent
of the time a domestic goddess.

Speaker 3 (18:25):
Nine So that's that's my ratio. Wait, what was your ratio?

Speaker 4 (18:28):
Just and I mised it ten percent domestic goddess ninety
percent slot.

Speaker 3 (18:32):
Yeah, No, I think that that's a pretty fast accurate.
I think that's good.

Speaker 2 (18:34):
I think I mean every so oftan shall have a
burst of energy. You're looking at your life.

Speaker 3 (18:39):
That's accurate. I feel like ten percent is a particularly
poor number.

Speaker 4 (18:43):
Think if I think I'm less than that, suck you
true man. You know to do?

Speaker 1 (18:51):
Because I have a two bedroom, two bathroom apartment for myself.

Speaker 3 (18:55):
It is old.

Speaker 4 (18:55):
It is by no mean lush, So it does I
feel like old places look dirty and sloby quicker too.

Speaker 2 (19:01):
Also, for anyone who's new who doesn't know the backstory
of BRIT's apartment, I know most of you do. But
like Matt and I lived in that apartment. We conceived
our children in that apartment. Lola used to live in
a fold out cot in the hallway in that apartment. Yeah,
I have a problem with you saying conceived. You could
just say we had our first two kids. We conceived.

Speaker 3 (19:18):
We fucked all over that house. He came the love,
he came inside me. He came in here here when
his sperm made its way, slid it into my egg,
swam all the way into my Filippian tubes. And it
doesn't do that, does it? That's bad? But I'm just
not into.

Speaker 2 (19:33):
If it sims into your Filippian tubes, you're in trouble.
Does no, I think it's.

Speaker 3 (19:36):
Your filopian tubes.

Speaker 4 (19:37):
Go to your ovaries, guys, I thought it siems Wait wait,
does it swim into your filopian tubes?

Speaker 2 (19:43):
Fertilized the egg at the source and then it goes
down as the uterus orders it already implant, and then
it does make its way down all then delete that
because I sound stupid.

Speaker 3 (19:52):
The embryo does need to make its journey back down.
How do we get here? What is your domestic what
is your vibe? What I was going to say is, yes,
I'm Keisha to appease you.

Speaker 1 (20:02):
I'm more on the messy side because what I do
is like, once a room gets too messy and I
can't be won to clean, I just go to the
next one, so I have Once one bathroom gets too dirty,
I know I have another clean one, so I go
to that, and then when they're both messy, that's when
I have to do the clean.

Speaker 4 (20:18):
Anyway, that's irrelevant, that's just my ratio. I'm talking about
nine ifcent lob Instead of like a.

Speaker 1 (20:22):
Binge eetter, I'm a binge cleaner, So like I'll do
it sporadically and I'll clean to the nth degree, Like
i will scrub every.

Speaker 3 (20:28):
Nook and cranny. I binge it. You know, do you
angry clean? Because this is what I do.

Speaker 2 (20:33):
I like let my house get into such disarray and
then when I have to clean it, I'm angry that
I'm cleaning it. So then I'm like wandering around the
house in an angry fit of cleaning, and then I'm
angry at Matt because I'm cleaning and he's not cleaning
at the exact time that I want to clean.

Speaker 3 (20:45):
Cleaning makes me mad.

Speaker 4 (20:46):
I stress clean, like when I'm really stressed about stuff.
I think it's like a ConTroll thing. They do relate
it back to anxiety. Anyway, watch vibe.

Speaker 3 (20:53):
I want to contribute to this too. I domino clean.

Speaker 1 (20:56):
So when I domino cleaning in terms of like, once
I start one thing, then it goes on. So if
I'm like, oh, I'll just follow these clothes and put
them away, then I'm in there and I'm like, oh,
while I'm in there, I'll clean the cupt Then I'm like, oh,
now you.

Speaker 3 (21:05):
Know it's a domino effect.

Speaker 1 (21:07):
Anyway, this is actually genuinely life changing for I think anyone.
Ben even came like last week and he was like,
I'm going to go buy one of these. He's like,
this is fucking so good. It is just a very tiny,
the size slightly bigger than your hand, a handheld portable
steamer that is like almost single use. So it's got

(21:27):
this tiny little water thing. It is the best thing
I have ever had. It heats up in about five seconds,
so you feel this tiny little jug of water stick
it in it. It is so portable you could take
it overseas with you if you want it, and it
takes three seconds to heat up.

Speaker 3 (21:41):
It comes with a hangar.

Speaker 4 (21:42):
It's amazing, And it's like, I'm not even recommending a brand.
I'm recommending these handheld steamers. You will never get your
ironing board out again because it takes five seconds in
and out and you're done, takes five seconds to cool down,
you put it away.

Speaker 3 (21:54):
It's actually the best thing I've ever bought. Hang On, Sorry,
I'm confused. Is this a garment steamer or is this
a cleaning? No, a garment steamer? How did I get
there from cleaning?

Speaker 4 (22:03):
Because Keisha called me up when I gave you my
ratio of slobbiness, so I wanted to expand on that.

Speaker 3 (22:10):
What I am.

Speaker 4 (22:10):
Recommending is just these tiny handheld steamers. If you travel
a lot, even like domestically, It's just absolutely changed my life.
So that is my vibe Amazon, tiny little baby handheld steamer.

Speaker 2 (22:21):
Anyway, Kishi give us a more and more intelligent than
both of us.

Speaker 3 (22:25):
Well, there is nothing wrong with a handheld steamer. Though
there is nothing wrong, but this was a dick of
both of us.

Speaker 2 (22:30):
I'm more meant, what can people learn from how can
they grow as a person?

Speaker 3 (22:34):
Okay, that's not what vibe is, but you know what
they will be.

Speaker 2 (22:37):
They will be covered in good jewels and they'll have
freshly steam clothes.

Speaker 4 (22:40):
They will be presentable to be fair, am I allowed
to have two really quick?

Speaker 3 (22:43):
Okay?

Speaker 4 (22:44):
So the first one actually came from one of our
wonderful life is and it was after you and I
Laura just last Tuesday discussed me being diagnosed with ADHD.

Speaker 3 (22:51):
So it's called Habit Tracker.

Speaker 4 (22:53):
It's an app, and I think you can get a
free version, but pay once forever version was nine ninety nine,
so I was like, it's ten bucks whatever, I'll give
it a crack. You basically can go through this list
of habits that you're trying to either do or things
that you're trying to quit, and you select the ones
that you want, Like so for myself, I've got five.
I've got stretch, read a book, sleep, early, exercise, walk,

(23:13):
drink water.

Speaker 3 (23:14):
That's six anyway, So.

Speaker 4 (23:16):
You set the goals that you want, and you can
set certain alarms for particular days. So I'll have the
drink water three leaves of water for every day, but
I've only got the sleep early for like the days
that are not the weekends. I'm finding it so so useful.

Speaker 3 (23:32):
I'm absolutely loving it.

Speaker 4 (23:33):
It's just this little tiny reminder, and it's things that
I really want to like try and work on.

Speaker 1 (23:38):
What makes it different to where you would just put
your reminders in reminder app or Google calendar?

Speaker 4 (23:44):
So I think you have to I don't know if
there surely would be away, but I don't know how
to do it. You'd have to like copy paste it
onto every day, whereas this is an app.

Speaker 3 (23:51):
That's like set up to do it every day.

Speaker 4 (23:53):
Yeah. Yeah, so you don't have to put it in
your Google calendar. I mean, I'm sure you could do that,
but I'm not that text savvy.

Speaker 2 (23:58):
What do you want to achieve through this? What's the
plant she wants to stretch on Wednesday? She wants I
perpetually forgetful, and I'm always kind of like, oh, I
really want to be working on that, but I forget
about it and then I don't really make it a priority.

Speaker 4 (24:10):
So this makes me have a reminder. So it's just
that little reminder. I get one at twelve o'clock to
make me drink more water. I get one at nine
o'clock to tell me to start winding down, Like I'm
finding it really useful, a really good.

Speaker 3 (24:21):
I think that this sort of stuff makes me feel
more overloaded.

Speaker 4 (24:24):
Sometimes you can, Yeah, sometimes if you're not achieving them,
I think that's why you've got to make them realistic.

Speaker 1 (24:29):
I think my problem is this stuff doesn't It doesn't
work for me because I'll get a reminder come through,
Like if I don't want to do it, it doesn't make
me do it. I just cancel the reminder and stay
on the lounge like I'm really bad.

Speaker 3 (24:39):
That's called discipline.

Speaker 1 (24:40):
Yeah, I just feel like if I want, I don't know.
Maybe I'm just a different I guess it's one of
those things right where it's not for everyone. It's not
everyone doesn't work in the same capacity, which is probably
great for you and those with ADHD who need that structure.

Speaker 2 (24:52):
I think it also comes down to two things. One,
how much you want the habit in the first place.
How much you actually want Like we often convince ourselves
we want to do things, but we don't actually want
to do the thing we want the end results, So
like when it comes to like news resolutions, everyone's always
like I want to lose time kilos, but no one's
saying I want to exercise every day. So if your
intention is that you want to exercise every day, not

(25:13):
that you just want the end goal of it, then
you're more inclined to actually enact the habit. But also,
Britt like, you're the person who ignored a debt collector
messaging you every day for a year, so they could
probably am.

Speaker 1 (25:22):
Not the reminded me every day And I was like, Yank,
you're probably not the reminder Queen.

Speaker 3 (25:26):
Can I sneak on really quickly?

Speaker 4 (25:27):
And because Laura and I discussed this and that was
a very very interesting conversation. It is an episode of
The Daily Oz and it's called why a war crime
whistle blow up might go to jail?

Speaker 3 (25:36):
So this is from a couple of years ago.

Speaker 4 (25:38):
There's a guy called David McBride and he was in
the army.

Speaker 3 (25:42):
He was a major. I'm not exactly sure of his role. Yeah,
it's really interesting this.

Speaker 4 (25:45):
Yeah, essentially he was the whistleblower who said that there
were Australian soldiers doing unlawful things. And there are a
couple of levels that he went to, you know, within
the military, kind of telling them that this is what
was going on, and essentially he was like, they're not
doing anything about it, and he eventually went to the
media and that's how we had all these Remember a

(26:06):
couple of years ago I went to these war crimes
by Australians were exposed.

Speaker 3 (26:10):
The same time, there's a lot of sexual assault and
stuff being exposed.

Speaker 4 (26:13):
Yeah, it was horrible. Anyway, that guy is now facing
trial because he's disclosed secret information and there are laws
in Australia that are meant to protect whistleblowers, but for
some reason, this guy is not essentially covered by them.
So this court case is happening right now. It is
very very interesting because something that they brought up on

(26:34):
the podcast m gillespie if you know her, she hosted
this particular episode essentially, so there was this conversation between
her and the person she was interviewing, and it brought
up the question of like, if we don't allow whistleblowers
to be protected, this is a threat to protra See
if you don't have a place where people can go
and talk about the wrong things that are happening within
whatever organization. They work for and you're going to protect them.

(26:57):
I think it's really damaging and it's quite dangerous to
talk about what people are able to get away with.

Speaker 1 (27:04):
What it does do as well is obviously just deters
anyone from ever coming forwardever again. Yeah, I was like, well, okay,
well you know, I'm not gonna go on fighting justice
to jail exactly.

Speaker 2 (27:14):
That's the fear of it. That's exactly the point. That's
exactly why governments do it. I think that this is
such an interesting recommendation. I know, we had a really
great chat about it, and for anyone who does remember,
I mean you can google it. There were videos and
footage of one of the soldiers drinking out of a
prosthetic leg. They were carrying it around like a trophy.
And this is all circulating from around the time when
Australia had a really strong military pool over the Middle East.

(27:36):
I mean, this is ongoing, but it does make you
question like who is the person that should be reprimanded.
Is that the people who are there who are creating
the war crimes, or is it the whistleblower? And it
seems like it's a misdirection of anger at the moment. Yeah,
so this particular episode, like the Daily is what they do.
They do the news bulletins at the start, and then
they do a deep dive the episode. The whole episode
on that goes for sixteen minutes, so it's not like

(27:56):
this is not going to take you long to get through.

Speaker 3 (27:58):
But for me it was very, very interesting.

Speaker 2 (28:00):
It's snackable yea, yeah, totally, and we'll put the links
to that in the show notes. Anyway, let's get into
answering all your questions.

Speaker 3 (28:07):
Question number one.

Speaker 2 (28:08):
Hi, I'm forty nine and I have been divorced for
three years after a twenty six year marriage. I'm quite
content on my own and I have great friends, but
I recently decided to try online dating just to see
what it's all about and to have some male company.
And my profile says nothing serious anyway. I've been catching
up with one gentleman once a month for dinner and sex.

Speaker 3 (28:28):
He is really lovely.

Speaker 2 (28:29):
Last weekend I went on a date with a different
guy and he was wonderful too. My problem is can
I date two guys at the same time. I'm starting
to feel really guilty. The first guy probably wouldn't mind
that much, but the second guy would hate it.

Speaker 3 (28:43):
Do I have to tell them about each other?

Speaker 1 (28:46):
Absolutely, you need to be getting all that d You
can date as many people as you want, especially off
the back of a twenty sixty marriage. Like I think
you deserve that, you deserve to go and how to
deserve it. You deserve the experience and you don't owe
anybody anything.

Speaker 3 (29:01):
Absolutely not.

Speaker 1 (29:02):
And I understand why you're asking this because you have
been out of the dating game for twenty six years.
You've been married, so I mean, you don't know if
it's quote unquote rules or dating etiquette, and there is
dating etiquette for sure. Once you have a conversation with
one of these men, like this is very casual.

Speaker 3 (29:18):
I think you said once a month, want me to
the other guy?

Speaker 2 (29:21):
No, the other guy she's gone on dates with and
she likes him and she wants to know she can
date the both.

Speaker 1 (29:25):
You do not need to tell him unless you want to,
or you obviously have the exclusive chat or he asks
you outright, because I don't think you should be lying.
If he says, like, you know, are you seeing anyone
Else'd be like yeah, I mean yeah, sometimes nothing serious,
but I am, you know, exploring my options.

Speaker 3 (29:42):
And then if.

Speaker 1 (29:43):
The conversation that enshees off the back of that is
I don't feel comfortable with that.

Speaker 3 (29:47):
Well, then you need to have a conversation and.

Speaker 4 (29:48):
Decide whether you are ready to get into an exclusive
relationship again or not. And that is your boundary and
your prerogative. One hundred percent.

Speaker 2 (29:57):
I agree, I agree, I agree, but I all so
have slight disagreements. And the only reason why is because
I do think if you are saying, like you know
that he would be not okay with it, that must
be because he has explained what he's looking for. Maybe
he said he's looking for something serious, maybe he's looking
for an exclusive relationship, whatever it is. If you know
that he is gonna hate it, then that is because

(30:20):
he's been in some way led to believe that it's
the alternate. Right, Lauria is controlling or totally which is
why a very honest conversation needs to be had. So
like an honest conversation around, not around, and I don't
mean around I'm dating this person, I've got this, and
thiss going on an honest conversation around what you want
and what you're looking for, and if that is something
that is not exclusive, then I do think it is

(30:41):
important to say, Look, this is where I'm at in
my dating relationship experience. I'm out of a divorce, I've
just recently started dating again. I'm not looking for anything serious.
So if you're wanting a committed relationship where there's nothing
else going on, then maybe I'm not the right person
for you. I mean, I kind of think that it
can lead you into more problems if you're dating people
who think that you're exclusive.

Speaker 1 (31:02):
Yeah, I mean, I'm going to strongly disagree on this
purely because you've been on one date with this guy
and you've already said you know he's going to hate it, Like,
you do not owe this guy anything after one date.

Speaker 4 (31:11):
Oh no, I agree, you don't owe him shit after
one day. So you do not have to have that
conversation with him. Absolutely not if you want to move
forward with him and the conversation comes up organically. But
just so you know, you don't have to go on one
date with someone and then tell them everything about you
and say I'm seeing somebody else. Is you know if
you know after one date with someone you have just
met them, If you know after one date that they

(31:32):
will hate if you see anyone else they're gonna be
putting a red.

Speaker 3 (31:36):
Flag up for me, just so just so you're aware.

Speaker 1 (31:38):
So I genuinely think you don't owe anyone anything at
this stage, and I think you can date two people
at once.

Speaker 2 (31:43):
I have a question for you, though. Okay, So just
say you meet someone online and they are clear with you.
They're like, I'm looking for a relationship, Like just say
somebody's like, I'm putting it all out there in the
world what i want in a person and what I
want in my dating life so that I don't have
people wasting my time. They're like, you know, hey, I
like you, you seem great. What I'm looking for is a relationship.

(32:03):
I'm looking for someone who wants to do life with me.

Speaker 4 (32:06):
You know.

Speaker 2 (32:06):
Is that you I don't know, but that's what I'm
looking for. Is that something that you're open for?

Speaker 3 (32:11):
You know?

Speaker 2 (32:12):
Is that where you're at in life? Are you looking
for something that's exclusive? If you're not, if you're at
the place where she is, you're looking for no strings attached,
You're looking for, you know, dating experiences, you're looking for fun.
Do you think that there is a moral obligation to
be truthful to that person who is putting out there
what they are looking for in the world, or do
you think Yeah, I do think so.

Speaker 4 (32:33):
I think if someone has said I'm looking to you know,
I'm trying to find my life partner and have kids,
and you know, you want to fuck once and then
that's it, I think it's important that you also say, hey,
I'm happy to meet up with you, but I'm.

Speaker 1 (32:44):
Not looking for anything serious. And that's why I reiterate
my point. My opinion is that she has literally done
all the right thing. She said, I am not looking
for anything serious that's on her dating side.

Speaker 3 (32:52):
She's done that.

Speaker 4 (32:53):
She's been on one date with this guy, and she
knows that he's not gonna like her.

Speaker 3 (32:56):
Seeing anyone else red flag, Yeah, I probably wouldn't go
and that person. Again.

Speaker 2 (33:01):
To be honest, I mean there are people who though
and like, this is just a different way of dating,
especially if you're looking for, like, you know, a long
term exclusive relationship. There's like two different ways you can
go about it. Fill your egg, don't get too attached
to any one person, you know, like fill your egg.

Speaker 3 (33:14):
Fill you don't feel your Easter basket. We do not
fill your.

Speaker 2 (33:19):
Egg because you will then have a baby that was
not the plan. Fill your basket, date lots of people,
expose yourself to lots of things, and then you might
figure out what it is that you want. The other
way in which people approach dating, especially if the after
like a long term partner, is not to fill your
basket with too many people, because then it's like you
don't actually get to connect with anyone person. You're kind

(33:41):
of like it's like a scattergun approach and you kind
of are like, oh, what's next, what's better? You're constantly comparing.
So I think the approach to dating is different depending
on what you want the outcome to be. If you're
wanting a long term relationship, I would say date less
people get to know them quickly. I do not quickly,
but like get to know whether they are potential or
not and then discard. That sounds so mean, but like

(34:04):
move on if they're not the right person, feed, give
them in the bin once you finish, rather than if
you're trying to look for someone who's like a serious relationship,
dating lots of people and not actually being able to
go deep with any single person because you're trying to
like expread yourself too thin. But if you are dating
for casualness. If you are dating for this, like you know,
getting back out there, this spontaneity, this enjoying life, then
I think there is absolutely no limit in terms of

(34:25):
how many people you can date. But I do think
the honesty will make you feel less guilty about it.
The fact that you feel guilty comes from this feeling
of like you are keeping something.

Speaker 3 (34:35):
I think.

Speaker 1 (34:36):
I don't think the fact that she feels guilty is
because she's keeping something. I think the fact she feels
guilty is she's been a monogamous relationship for twenty six
years and she hasn't been in the dating world. So
to answer your question, no, you do not need to
tell these two men that you have, you know, been
on one date with one and very casually with the other.
You do not need to tell them because chances are
they are too. The second guy probably isn't because he

(34:57):
seems a bit like well. But once it's broad up organically,
either you're going to bring it up because you're going
to get to a point where you don't want them
to be with somebody else, or they're going to bring
it up because they don't want you to be with
someone else. But you have to make sure that that
happens in a healthy way and a healthy timeframe.

Speaker 3 (35:13):
Totally, absolutely. Question number two.

Speaker 1 (35:15):
My partner of three years has told me if I
don't put out more, he's going to leave me. We
are both early thirties, and his number one priority in
a relationship is sex.

Speaker 3 (35:26):
We currently have.

Speaker 1 (35:26):
Sex twice a week, and that isn't enough for him.
He told me our sex life is shit and makes
him unhappy, and people our age should be having sex
all the time. I have vaginismus, which is getting better,
but I just don't find sex enjoyable. I cannot orgasm
from penetration and it can be very uncomfortable, but I
still do it for him. He has said everything else
in our relationship is perfect, but the reason we are

(35:47):
not engaged is because of the sex. He doesn't want
a sexless marriage and it plays on his mind. His
number one priority in a relationship is sex, and he
said ours is shit. I feel really low about this.

Speaker 3 (36:00):
Oh, my god, of course you feel low about this.
That is horrific.

Speaker 4 (36:02):
But oh and if anyone's real number one priority in
a relationship is sex for me, red flag?

Speaker 3 (36:11):
Yeah, no, like not even a red flag like fucking
be done.

Speaker 4 (36:15):
Yeah, red flag Like yeah, oh sorry, red flag, They're
burned down.

Speaker 2 (36:18):
I'm deeply offended by this because it's okay for sex
to be a very important part of your relationship. I
understand that it's very important to sexually be on the
same page, But to say that sex is the most
important thing and the most important thing that your partner
prioritizes means that I would not be getting married to
that person because sex does not have longevity without any

(36:39):
ebbs and flows in a relationship. What happens when or
if you decide to have children, What happens when and
if work becomes really stressful, Like are you still expected
to constantly put out to satisfy this entirely insatiable sexual
urge that he has? And then what happens when you
aren't physically capable of doing that? Does he then go
and look for sex elsewhere? Like that's something that he

(36:59):
needs to unpacking himself and work out, like his sex
drive And whether or not it matches what you're able
to give in the relationship, and the fact that you
have you have vaginismus, the fact that you have been
open about it, the fact that this is something that
is painful for you.

Speaker 3 (37:13):
That is hard for you.

Speaker 2 (37:15):
You require someone who is even more empathetic around your
sexual abilities and what you're able to give. You need
to be made to feel safe and secure in a
relationship in order to overcome your vaginismas rather than have
someone who whose expectation is sex from you regardless. Like
for me, there's such an immense lack of empathy here.
There is an immense lack and mismatching priorities of what

(37:37):
is important.

Speaker 3 (37:37):
He's putting his own.

Speaker 2 (37:38):
Satisfaction above your health, and above your needs, and above
your wants, and above your feelings of validation. And there
is no wonder why you feel like shit. I can't
imagine that there's anyone out there who has their partner
tell them that they think their sex life is shit
and that's the reason why they won't make a long
term commitment to them that would not feel like an
absolute piece of shit.

Speaker 3 (38:00):
That's how he's making you feel.

Speaker 1 (38:01):
Also, spoiler people your age and not having sex all
the time, like he said, like he's like everyone else
my age is having our age is having sex all
the time.

Speaker 3 (38:08):
They're not.

Speaker 1 (38:09):
Age actually has nothing to do with it. It's where
you are in a relationship and who you are as
two people? How old are they again the early thirties?
Fuck that and together for three years?

Speaker 4 (38:18):
And he's like, people, Yeah, I mean you're having sex
twice a week? Like great from it's not incuprecious, Yeah,
from like a committed, normal monogamous relationship.

Speaker 2 (38:27):
Obviously everybody is different. Some people having sex five times
a week. Some people are having sex once a fortnite.
Some people aren't even doing that, you know, Like it
is so varied and for him to say that there's
a benchmark for comparison, it doesn't matter what other people
are doing. It's got to do with what is comfortable
in your relationship.

Speaker 3 (38:44):
And I would.

Speaker 2 (38:45):
Say you are, especially for someone who's vaginismus, you are
more than coming to the table by doing it twice
a week. And like, doesn't mean that you can do
other things. Can you be sexual together, like you know,
could you do other things that aren't penetrative sex, yes,
but right you could be having more intimate moments throughout
the week rather than it just being sex twice a week.

Speaker 3 (39:05):
And that's kind of wheen Ben, thank you, ma'am.

Speaker 2 (39:07):
But the thing is is, do not feel guilty about
the fact that you don't want to be more sexual
with him when he is making you feel guilty about sex,
because that is not going to inside in anyone the motivation,
the desire, the want to have more or to do
more for their partner. The more that you feel like
you're doing a bad job, the more you feel like

(39:28):
he's not enjoying it or like you're failing in this
aspect of the relationship, the less you're gonna want to
do it as well, because, like you know, I think
we all thrive on positive affirmation. We all thrive on
feeling loved and connected. That's when women feel safe. And
I remember Esther Perell when we're talking about desire with her,
she was like, four play doesn't start the second you
get in the bedroom. Four plays starts the second that

(39:50):
the last time you had sex ended. What did he
do that day that made you feel special? What did
he do that day that made you feel desired? What
were the things that led up to making you want
to have sex with him, making you want to be
intimate with him? And I would say, if anything, the
way in which he's speaking to you around sex only
diminishes everything else.

Speaker 3 (40:09):
And so it makes me sure. We're angry for me.
There's two parts to this question. The first part.

Speaker 1 (40:15):
Is that you currently have a mismatch in your sexual compatibility,
which normally I would say normal, Fine, you can work
on that. You can deal with that because it's not
uncommon for people to have different sexual desires, sexual wants,
sexual frequency.

Speaker 3 (40:32):
That's a pretty standard thing.

Speaker 1 (40:33):
We know that from how many psychologists and sex therapists
we've spoken to. That is something you could go and
work on together, and like you said, Laura.

Speaker 3 (40:40):
Do it in a different capacity.

Speaker 1 (40:41):
The second part of this, and this is the problem part,
is that his number one priority in the.

Speaker 3 (40:47):
Relationship is sex.

Speaker 1 (40:48):
And sometimes we need to say this out loud to ourselves,
or sometimes we need to have someone else say it
to you. You are saying that his priority and his
desire for sex outweighs your physics equal pain and your
mental pain. Like you are saying, this is painful for me,
and he's saying, give me more. I need more. I
can't marry you if you don't give me more. To me,

(41:10):
that's fucking wild. And sometimes, like I said, you do
need it spelled out to you. I do really feel
for you in this situation because you've been with him
for three years and you obviously love him, and it's
hard to it's hard to look at someone that you
love that's close to you like maybe they aren't the
right person, or maybe they're not treating you the way
they want, because he might treat you really well in

(41:30):
other ways. So we tend to hold onto those really
positive things and say, but he does all this for me,
like he cooks me dinner every single night. You know,
we grasp onto these things to sort of balance the
things that we know actually aren't okay. And you have
to ask yourself if you know for you that you
are not going to be able to have sex every day,
and not only not not going to be able to,

(41:51):
but you don't want to for a multitude of reasons.

Speaker 3 (41:54):
It physically hurts you.

Speaker 4 (41:55):
He's not initiating the intimate desire that you need, like
he's doing anything else around that.

Speaker 1 (42:01):
If you know that that's what your life looks like.
And he's blatantly like I want to fuck every day
or I'm not going to marry you, this could be
a really hard pill to swallow. But there's a really
hard conversation that needs to happen and then a.

Speaker 3 (42:12):
Really big decision.

Speaker 2 (42:13):
Absolutely, and I can we not skim over the fact
because it is so important that he is using marriage,
like he is using an engagement, something that he knows
you want, as a manipulative tool to make you do
something that you don't want to do. So he's like,
I won't marry you unless you have more sex with me,

(42:33):
because I want to ensure that sex is something that
is the number one thing in our relationship. So he
already is using something that should not be about sex
to manipulate you to do something you don't want.

Speaker 3 (42:44):
It is very fucking wrong. It's horrid.

Speaker 2 (42:46):
Yeah, it's emotionally manipulative, it's physically manipulative, and all it's
doing is eroding your self esteem and eroding your boundaries.
And like, we have these conversations with you guys as
tho we're friends, and like we get these messages and
we're like, oh, like this is what I say to
my best friend. But I also think sometimes in these situations,
you need to go and speak to an external third party,
like go and have these conversations with a relationship therapist,

(43:07):
go and have these conversations with your own therapist, because
I would really be so concerned if you were to
marry this person, if you were to get engaged when
this mismatching priorities is so so huge, and that he
doesn't have the empathy or the care for how you
feel and what you're going through and prioritizes his own
physical needs above that.

Speaker 4 (43:27):
Again, it's not that he wants more sex. That's not
the problem, because like I've been in relationships before where
where I've said, hey, like, you know, what do you
think about trying to increase how much sex we have
or how much intimacy have because I've been in a
stage where I've wanted it more.

Speaker 3 (43:43):
But it's the way he's gone about it that's the problem.

Speaker 1 (43:45):
Like there are always going to be times, ebbs and
flows in a relationship that each of you are going
to come to the table and maybe one day your
vaginismus is going to get better and you're going to
feel like it and you're going to want it, and
maybe he is going to be too tired from work,
Like these are normal conversations to have. The the way
he's doing it is fucked and it is not normal.

Speaker 3 (44:03):
I don't know.

Speaker 2 (44:03):
I feel we're both so angry about this. The only
other part that like, I come back to it. I
know we kind of touched it at the beginning, but
there's some really important conversations to be had around how
are you going to navigate the periods of life where
sex just can't be a priority, because that's going to
happen to you. Like, I can't stress enough how much
my sex life with Matt change once we had kids.
It has never been the same, and it may be

(44:25):
we still have really young kids. We're still on crazy
sleep cycles. Like we still have to try and do
it when the kids are napping so that they don't
walk in on us, right, Like, there's definitely a lot
of limitations once you are juggling careers and children. You
may never have children, you may not want them, But
if you do, what does your relationship look like when
you're no longer able to have sex with him in
the way that he wants. How is he going to

(44:47):
punish you? Like, how is he going to show up
in that relationship? What is that going to look like?
They're really big conversations if this is the most important
thing to him, because ultimately, what you can sustain now
will not be this in the future, and you need
someone one who is strapped in on the right of
life and cares about all the other amazing qualities that
you have that you can bring to the table more
so so that it doesn't deteriorate the relationship. We actually

(45:10):
had a full conversation around vaginismus as well with Jesse Stevens,
and she speaks about relationships that she'd been in where
she persevered through the pain because she thought that's what
she had to do. And then she speaks about her
now relationship with her husband, the father of her child,
and how he approaches sex with her and how that
has completely changed her ability to show up in the
relationship sexually and also in a way that makes her

(45:31):
feel love, safe and secure. We'll link that episode in
the show notes.

Speaker 3 (45:35):
Yeah, she spoke about that so well.

Speaker 2 (45:37):
Actually, yeah, please go and have a listen to itu.
I think it'll really help you.

Speaker 4 (45:40):
But not even have I listen to it. Get your
partners to listen to it, like that is something that
he needs to listen to. He needs to hear it
from another perspective.

Speaker 1 (45:46):
And also the fact that the way her partner came
to that situation showed up is imperative to your situation.
Now totally okay. Question number three. I've been dating my
boyfriend for the last year and a half. I've been
a nurse for the last five years, working with children,
and I've seen some pretty terrible things. When we first
started dating, he mentioned that he didn't like hearing quote

(46:07):
horrible stories, so I lessened to them. Just recently, I
was talking about work again and he said the same thing.

Speaker 3 (46:14):
I don't want to hear about these stories.

Speaker 1 (46:16):
I obviously don't want to upset him, but from time
to time I want him to listen to my day
and just vent. Am I being ridiculous by being upset
that my partner can't handle listening to my stories here
and there? Or do I just appease him and stop
talking about work altogether. It's a tricky one.

Speaker 2 (46:32):
This is a tricky one, and I think it's important
to figure out. Which might be hard to do, but
I think you have to Is he like this around
the mundane stuff as well?

Speaker 3 (46:43):
Like?

Speaker 2 (46:43):
Is he like this around you talking about all aspects
of work? Or is it only about the stuff that's
super traumatic?

Speaker 4 (46:48):
Like?

Speaker 2 (46:48):
Does he show an interest in your day to day
when it pertains to other parts of your life or
is it only around the stuff that is like truly
deeply traumatic, Because I would say there are a lot
of people out there who can't handle listening to or
talking about super distressing things, like it affects them on
a level that makes them then feel uncomfortable, and you're
just kind of sharing the load of your trauma right

(47:10):
like you're trauma dumping on them, which is not fair
on them, especially if it then affects their day and
how they feel.

Speaker 3 (47:16):
So that I think is okay.

Speaker 2 (47:17):
I would say, if you've chosen the occupation of being
a nurse because you have that incredible empathetic, caring, beautiful
quality of you, and you have the resilience to be
exposed to it, then I would say it's okay. If
there's aspects of your job that he mentally and physically
doesn't want to be exposed to. But it's not okay
if he uses that as an excuse to not listen

(47:38):
to your day. That's a very different thing. And I
think that it will become obvious which of those two
things are playing out here.

Speaker 1 (47:44):
I can relate to this to the nth degree, like
exactly I was in this identical situation where I was
working at a pediatric hospital and I saw horrific things.

Speaker 3 (47:54):
I mean, you see her.

Speaker 1 (47:55):
Every thing's in any hospital, right, but it's always hits
a bit different when it's a child, to the point that,
like a big part of my job was post mortems
on children like I was involved in.

Speaker 3 (48:04):
That I could not listen to that.

Speaker 2 (48:05):
We wouldn't even as you're saying, that makes me want
to cry, Yeah, which.

Speaker 1 (48:08):
Is why I completely understand this situation as a whole,
And I also understand him because I've been through it.

Speaker 3 (48:15):
You as a healthcare worker.

Speaker 4 (48:17):
Well, anyone in any job, right, but you want to
come home and you want to debrief about your day
because part of that's selfish reasons. Like part of that
is like you want to get things off your chest
and you do want to unload, and it's a type
of therapy. And the other part is we all want
to connect with our partner about our work in our
day and what we're experiencing. Because they understand then maybe
a little bit more if you come home at the
end of the day and you're a bit flat and

(48:38):
you need a bit more extra you know, love and
care for whatever reason, they understand more, the problem is
in that well, not everyone can deal with it.

Speaker 3 (48:48):
And when you have been in that world for a.

Speaker 4 (48:50):
Long time, if you know the healthcare world, for example,
because this is what you're talking about, things are less.

Speaker 3 (48:56):
Shocking to you.

Speaker 1 (48:57):
You become very used to something that is very show
and abnormal to someone else, and it becomes your normal
because you're dealing with it day in and day out,
and you sometimes forget that other people don't know anything
about that, and that is really confronting for a lot
of people. So for you, every day you're with unwell children.
Your partner could be in marketing and it hits him different.
So I think, unfortunately, you probably need to find a

(49:18):
way where you can tell him about your day and
how bad it was without going into the details, because
you do need to still have that connection with your partner.

Speaker 2 (49:25):
Absolutely totally. I agree with you completely, brit Like. It's
weird to me, right like and not weird.

Speaker 3 (49:31):
It's important.

Speaker 2 (49:31):
How amazing are doctors, How amazing are nurses? How amazing
are ambulance workers and people who show up.

Speaker 3 (49:36):
Police people that are in these confronting situations.

Speaker 2 (49:39):
And it's wild that I go to work and I
design jewelry, and I sit here behind a microphone and
this is my job, you know, this is what I
do for work. And then there's other people who had
their hands inside people's chests today and that's what they
did to go to work. Like the variation of what
we are experiencing. Our world's apart. And I've dated someone

(49:59):
who worked in the medical world before. I wanted to
know parts of the stories, but I don't think I
could have dealt with the dailiness of it. You know,
every so often he would come home and tell me
something that had happened, and it was sporadic, and I
appreciated that he didn't expose me to the depths of
what he dealt with day to day, and he was
very good at compartmentalizing it. It didn't affect him in

(50:19):
the way that I think it would have affected me.
And maybe the things that you're dealing with you are
able to compartmentalize in some way. And if you're not
able to compartmentalize it, if you do need to speak
to someone, then maybe it's like you speak to your
partner about the parts of it that you know he's
okay with and the parts that he can handle and
then you're go and speak to a therapist about the
rest of it, because I do think it's important for
you to have someone too traumatum to, but I don't

(50:41):
think it has to be your partner. The only thing
I come back to is, and it's what I said
in the start, is that it's very easy to use
the excuse of oh I can't you know, like I
can't deal with this, But that's actually a lack of
interest in your job. And I think look for signs.
Does he show interest in the other things you do?
Does he show interest in what you've done on the
week and on your friends, in your family, Does he

(51:02):
show interest in your life? If he shows interest in
you in every other aspect because he loves and adores
you and supports you, but just can't handle the trauma
side of your job, then that's okay.

Speaker 1 (51:11):
Yeah. The interest has to be there in other as
part of your life constantly. Otherwise that you're like why
are you dating me? Like what am I ham sandwich?
Like you know, there has to be that interest. But
what I will say is like, of course, speak to
a therapist if you need that. And your job is
that traumatic and the hospitals also provide people. But I
mean something I used to do is unload the heavy stuff.
Unload unfortunately sounds like a heavy word, but it is.

(51:31):
But you would unload with and maybe another colleague that
was there at the time, so someone else that goes
through it every day as well that relates. They can
quick you can, you can get it out, you can,
you can discuss whatever you want about it. I was
very lucky I did that with my sister Sherry, because
we work together in this exact same hospital for most
of our life. So I was hers and her she
was mine, and then we could go back to our
partners and just.

Speaker 3 (51:50):
Say that top level stuff.

Speaker 1 (51:51):
So there will always be someone that you can discuss
these things with. But I do think you have to
respect your partner in a level if he's like I actually, viscerally,
I'm not that kind of person. I can't handle these conversations,
so like you do have to meet him halfway in
that capacity.

Speaker 3 (52:06):
Yeah, I agree, I totally agree.

Speaker 2 (52:08):
And I think you know, if that's the only thing
that you have going on in your life in terms
of like a problem in your relationship, it's not like.

Speaker 3 (52:15):
Your relationships not over dundum dum.

Speaker 2 (52:17):
I do think it's just being aware of where is
he doing an excellent job in other aspects and if
this is the part that he's you know, it's letting
you down in then I think finding places and other
people to offload and do that trauma dump with because
it seems like your partner can't handle that part of it.
We have received from you guys a few after maths
like ask guncut after maths and.

Speaker 3 (52:37):
The follow up of what happened? And we always think this.

Speaker 2 (52:40):
We're always like, what did happen to that woman who
was dating multiple people? What did happen to the guy
who never showed interest in your work? Like we want
to know what happens with the advice that we give you.
So if you have ever received, if we've ever answered
one of your ask guncut questions, please can you send
it into the DMS just righte ask on cut aftermath
at the top and then let us know what happened

(53:00):
because we would love to do a catch up episode
with ask uncut aftermaths.

Speaker 3 (53:05):
We have a few of them, we need a couple more.

Speaker 2 (53:07):
So tell us what happened in your life and kind
of where things are at now so we can do
that update. But yeah, you can slide into DMS at
life on cut podcasts. You can join us on TikTok,
you can join us on Instagram, and you can go
and join the Facebook discussion group which is always flaring
and a lot of people post like anonymously.

Speaker 3 (53:22):
They're ask on cuts in there as well. And that's
it from us, guys. You know the dream.

Speaker 4 (53:26):
Tell you mum, te, dad, tey dog, te friends, and
share the love because we love love

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