October 15, 2025 • 27 mins
What if the biggest lever for your health and happiness isn’t your bank account, diet, or step count—but the quality of your closest relationships? We unpack landmark findings from the Harvard Study of Adult Development to show why warm, trusted bonds predict longer life, better mood, sharper thinking, and stronger immunity. You’ll hear how chronic loneliness acts like a biological threat—spiking cortisol, disrupting sleep, and fueling inflammation—and why even one secure, supportive relationship can help regulate your nervous system and change your health trajectory.
We dig into what actually counts as connection: not follower counts or constant busyness, but emotional safety, consistency, and being truly seen. Marriage, friendship, family, neighbors, and community all qualify when the ties are warm and low in conflict. We talk through the midlife realities—kids leaving home, shifting careers, aging parents—that quietly erode social scaffolding, then share a practical, repeatable playbook to rebuild it: audit your circle, protect two weekly touch points, set anchor rituals, apply an executive energy filter, and treat loneliness like a health warning that deserves a fast response.
To make it easy, we walk step by step through a seven-day friendship challenge: identify your core five and next ten, send a voice note, book a walk, connect two people, join a group, ask deeper questions, and schedule a recurring ritual. Along the way, we answer listener questions about online friendships, “successful but lonely” lives, and the minimum effective dose of connection. The message is simple and powerful: protect your people. Good relationships buffer stress, guard your heart and brain, and add years to your life. If this resonates, hit play, share with someone who needs it, and subscribe so you never miss an episode—then text one friend right now and start your ritual of connection.
WAYS TO CONNECT WITH ME:
- New Course Alert - Extraordinary Wealth: Mastering the Art of Selling With Soul: https://michellerios.mykajabi.com/Extraordinary-Wealth-Selling-With-Soul
- Book: https://michelleriosofficial.com/book. (Coming in early 2026. Join the Waitlist)
- The Energetic Blueprint for Financial Freedom (Free Audio): https://michellerios.mykajabi.com/extraordinary-wealth-the-energetic-blueprint
- My Daily Wealth Affirmations: https://michellerios.mykajabi.com/opt-in (Free)
- Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/michelle.rios.official/
- Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/michelle.c.rios
- YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@michelleriosofficial
- Website: https://michelleriosofficial.com
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:01):
This episode of the Live Your Extraordinary Life
Podcast is brought to you byTransformational Coaching with
Michelle Rios, created for highachievers just like you, who've
checked all the boxes yet stillwonder: is this really it?
You've built success, but deepdown you're craving more, more
(00:22):
meaning, more freedom, more joy.
You're ready for your nextchapter.
One that feels fully aligned,deeply fulfilling, and
unapologetically yours.
Through my transformationalcoaching, I'll help you break
free from the patterns andbeliefs keeping you stuck,
clarify your vision for life andbusiness in this next chapter of
(00:43):
life, build unshakableconfidence and self-trust, align
your mindset, energy, andactions so success feels
authentic and easeful, andcreate extraordinary results
without sacrificing yourselfalong the way.
If you're done playing small andyou're ready to rise, visit
Michelle RiosOfficial.combackslash coaching to learn more
(01:07):
and apply.
Your extraordinary life iswaiting.
Are you ready?
SPEAKER_01 (01:12):
The clearest predictor of a long, healthy,
and happy life didn't turn outto be wealth or fame or success
or your sociodemographics.
It was the quality of people'sclose relationships.
Hi, I'm Michelle Rios, host ofthe Live Your Extraordinary Life
(01:36):
Podcast.
This podcast is built on thepremise that life is meant to be
joyful, but far too often wesettle for less.
So if you've ever thought thatsomething is missing from your
life, that you were meant formore, or you simply want to
experience more joy in theeveryday, then this podcast is
for you.
Each week, I'll bring youcaptivating personal stories,
(01:59):
transformative life lessons, andjuicy conversations on living
life to the fullest, with thehope to inspire you to create a
life you love on your terms withauthenticity, purpose, and
connection.
Together we'll explore what itmeans to live an extraordinary
life, the things that hold usback, and the steps we all can
(02:21):
take to start living our bestlives.
So come along for the journey.
It's never too late to getstarted, and the world needs
your light.
And today we're talking aboutone of the greatest predictors
(02:45):
of your long-term well-being andlongevity.
And it has nothing to do withyour cholesterol, your bank
account, or even your daily stepcount.
Nope.
The strongest predictor of howhappy and healthy you'll be over
the course of your life, andactually how long you'll live,
is actually the quality of yourrelationships.
(03:08):
Not how many people you know,not the size of your social
network or the number offollowers you may have on social
media, but how deeply connected,supported, and seen you feel by
the people closest to you.
That's right.
It's not about quantity, it'sall about quality.
(03:29):
And that's not just a poeticnotion.
It's backed by 80 years ofscientific research.
The Harvard Study of AdultDevelopment, which began in 1938
and has followed participantsfor more than eight decades,
discovered that the quality ofour close relationships is the
(03:50):
single strongest predictor oflifelong health and happiness.
People who felt securelyconnected to others, who had
warm, supportive relationshipswith friends, family, and even
community were not only happier,they were physically healthier,
they lived longer, and theymaintained sharper minds as they
(04:14):
aged.
Meanwhile, those individuals whowere more isolated or felt
lonely were actually less happy,less healthy, and died younger.
Make no mistake, lonelinessisn't just an emotional pain
that people feel from time totime.
(04:34):
It's actually toxic to ourhealth.
Research shows that chronicloneliness increases your risk
of premature death from anywhereto 26 to 32 percent.
That's as harmful to your healthas smoking 15 cigarettes a day
and is actually more damagingthan obesity or lack of
(04:57):
exercise.
Let that sink in for a moment.
Loneliness is toxic to ourwell-being.
In 2023, U.S.
Surgeon General Vivek Murphydeclared that loneliness and
social disconnection now pose apublic health crisis, one linked
(05:17):
to higher rates of heartdisease, dementia, stroke,
anxiety, and depression.
According to Murphy, lonelinessin many ways is like hunger or
thirst.
It's a signal our body sends uswhen we're lacking something we
need for survival.
So if you've been feelingdisconnected, maybe your kids
(05:41):
are all grown up and out of thehouse, or your circle of friends
has shrunk over time, or maybeyour work life has overtaken
your social life, this episodeis for you.
Because the anecdote toloneliness is meaningful
connection.
And science shows that you canbuild it at any age.
(06:01):
So wherever you are, grab yourcup of coffee or tea, take me on
your morning walk.
Let's just dive into the dataand look at the single greatest
predictor of an extraordinarylife, the relationships that
sustain you.
Okay.
So let's start with thislegendary Harvard study because
(06:23):
it's one of the most fascinatingpieces of research ever done on
human well-being.
Back in 1938, the researchers atHarvard launched Harvard's study
of adult development, now thelongest study of adult life in
history, and it began with twovery different groups of young
(06:43):
men.
The first were Harvardsophomores, privileged,
well-educated young men whowould go on to become doctors,
lawyers, and even a U.S.
president.
The second group, over 450teenage boys from Boston's
poorest neighborhoods, many fromworking class or unstable homes.
(07:06):
Over time, researchers expandedthe study to include spouses,
partners, and children.
And eventually they came totrack more than 1,300 people
across multiple generations.
And they didn't just sendsurveys, they conducted
interviews, they visited homes,they reviewed medical records,
(07:28):
they ran lab tests, they eventook brain scans.
They studied everything: physical health, mental (07:33):
undefined
well-being, careers, marriages,friendships, over eight decades.
It truly is one of the richestdata sets on what makes life
meaningful and healthy thatwe've ever had access to.
And here's what they found.
After analyzing decades of data,the results were surprising and
(07:58):
profound.
The clearest predictor of along, healthy, and happy life
didn't turn out to be wealth orfame or success or your
sociodemographics.
It was the quality of people'sclose relationships.
Those who felt securelyconnected to others, who had
(08:18):
warm, trusting relationshipswith friends, family, partners,
community were healthier,happier, and lived longer.
They had lower blood pressure,lower stress hormone levels,
stronger immune systems, andslower cognitive decline as they
aged.
And even when they experiencedphysical pain or illness, those
(08:42):
who felt supported reported lessemotional suffering.
Meanwhile, those who werelonely, even if they were
surrounded by people, showedhigher rates of chronic illness,
depression, and early death.
So let's talk about Dr.
(09:02):
Robert Waldinger.
He's the man who's been leadingthis groundbreaking research for
the last two decades.
He's a Harvard psychiatrist, apsychoanalyst, and a professor
at Harvard Medical School.
He's now the fourth director ofthe study since its inception in
1938.
And he's the individual that'shelped bring its lessons into
(09:25):
the modern era.
He expanded it to include womenand next generation
participants.
He's also delivered one of themost watched TED Talks in
history, over 45 million views,and it's titled What Makes a
Good Life?
Lessons from the Longest Studyon Happiness.
(09:46):
And Dr.
Waldinger's message is simple: good relationships keep us (09:46):
undefined
happier, healthier, and help uslive longer.
Period.
Now here's where the sciencegets even more sobering.
When researchers compared peoplewith strong social connections
to those who were isolated orchronically lonely, they found
(10:10):
something shocking.
Social isolation raises yourrisk of early death by 33%.
Chronic loneliness raises it bynearly 30%.
And in adults over 50,loneliness increases the risk of
stroke by up to 56%.
(10:32):
On a global scale, the WorldHealth Organization now
attributes nearly 900,000 deathsevery year to loneliness and
social disconnection.
Loneliness literally inflamesthe body.
It triggers the same fight orflight response as physical
(10:53):
danger, so that floods yoursystem with cortisol and
adrenaline.
It disrupts your sleep, itweakens your immunity, and it
even alters gene expression.
So that ramps up inflammationand shuts down your body's
repair mechanisms.
Neuroscientists call it thebiology of threat.
(11:14):
Your brain reads socialisolation the same way it reads
physical attack.
So when we say connection ismedicine, that's not a metaphor.
It's actually healing your bodyat the deepest level of your
being, right down to the healthof your cells.
But here's where the nuancemakes this study so powerful.
(11:37):
It's not about how many peopleyou know, it's about the quality
of the people you're closest to.
You can be married and stillfeel lonely.
You can have 5,000 followers andstill feel unseen.
Or you can have just two orthree people in your life that
you can truly count on, andthat's enough to change your
(11:58):
health trajectory.
The study found that people inhigh conflict relationships, so
marriages that were filled withtension or friendships that were
filled with judgment, actuallyhad worse health outcomes than
those who were single.
What mattered most was emotionalsafety, the sense that you're
(12:19):
understood, valued, andsupported.
So if you're thinking, look,Michelle, I don't have a big
circle, don't worry, you don'tneed one.
Most studies from Harvard toOxford to the U.S.
Surgeon General point to threeto five close emotionally
supportive relationships as asweet spot.
(12:40):
But here's the even better news.
Even one genuine trustingrelationship, one person who
truly sees you for you, whoshows up when life falls apart,
can help regulate your nervoussystem just by being in your
corner.
Just one person can change yourhealth, your happiness, and even
(13:02):
your longevity.
Now, family versus friends, whatcounts?
People often ask, do theserelationships have to be
friendships or can family counttoo?
And the answer is both count.
Harvard researchers looked atall kinds of connections:
spouses, siblings, children,lifelong friends, neighbors.
(13:25):
What mattered wasn't the label,but the emotional quality of the
relationship itself.
Participants in warm supportivemarriages stayed physically and
mentally healthier well intotheir 80s, while those in
conflicted marriages oremotionally distant families
often fared worse than peoplewho lived absolutely alone.
(13:46):
And people who maintain closefriendships outside their
family, those trusted friendswho saw them through life's ups
and downs, had the same healthbenefits and longevity benefits.
So, okay, let's make this realfor you.
I want you to ask yourself (14:01):
who are your people?
Who could you call at 2 a.m.
and know they'd answer?
Who makes you feel calm, seen,and valued just as you are?
Those are your core connections.
And according to Harvard's data,they're as vital to your
(14:23):
well-being as diet, sleep, andexercise.
And here's the good news it'snever too late.
The study found that people whobuilt close friendships later in
life experience the samepowerful benefits.
So whether you're 35 or 65, it'sthe quality of your
relationships today, not yourpast social history, that shapes
(14:48):
your future health andhappiness.
The good life is built with goodrelationships.
So let's talk about the scienceof connection.
I want to unpack why this worksand why loneliness is so
physically toxic.
Number one, stress buffering.
(15:10):
When you feel connected andemotionally safe, your nervous
system relaxes, cortisol drops,blood pressure stabilizes.
But chronic loneliness keepsyour body in a low grade state
of stress, kind of like an alarmthat never turns off.
Number two, inflammation andimmunity.
(15:32):
Loneliness triggersinflammation, the same
biological process behind heartdisease, arthritis, and even
Alzheimer's.
Your immune system startsfighting imaginary threats
instead of protecting you.
Number three, emotionalregulation.
When you talk through yourfeelings with someone safe, your
(15:55):
brain actually moves from panicto problem solving.
That's why even onecompassionate friend can shift
you out of anxiety and intoclarity.
Number four, behavior contagion.
We mirror our inner circle.
If your closest peopleprioritize health, rest, or
(16:17):
gratitude, those habits rippleinto you.
But isolation breaks that chain.
You start self-soothing in lesshealthy ways, maybe by
overworking or just mind-numbingscrolling on social media or
numbing yourself through alcoholor drugs or TV or many other
(16:38):
ways.
And number five, cognitiveprotection.
Social engagement keeps yourbrain active.
Conversations, laughter,storytelling, they light up
neural pathways and delaycognitive decline.
So when you nurturerelationships, you're not just
feeding your soul, you'restrengthening your heart, your
(17:01):
brain, and your immune system.
But let's talk about the midlifereality that so many of us are
going through.
Kids grow up, careers evolve,parents age, and suddenly the
scaffolding that held our sociallife together disappears.
By midlife, the average Americanreports just four close friends.
(17:26):
Now, that's more than enough ifthose friendships are healthy.
But too often we let them drift.
We don't nurture them and wedon't invest in them.
Busyness replaces belonging, andwe tell ourselves, I'll reach
out to that friend when thingsslow down.
But let's be honest, thingsrarely slow down.
(17:48):
They just change shape.
And that's how loneliness creepsin.
It's quiet, it's subtle, untilone day you realize the people
you love the most barely hearfrom you anymore.
It's not that you don't care,it's this you just forgot
connection needs structure.
So if this sounds like you, thisnext part is going to be your
(18:09):
roadmap back.
Okay, let's talk about thefriendship playbook at midlife.
Number one, the audit.
I want you to list your topfive.
The people who get your firstcall are your calendar priority.
And then move out to your nextten.
(18:30):
Those who make life brighter,but you might not see as often.
Ask yourself, who's missing?
Who drains you?
Who lights you up?
Who needs more of you?
And who do you need more of?
Number two, weekly friendshipconnects.
(18:52):
Two 15-minute windows per week.
That's all you need.
Send a voicemail, a voice note,schedule a walk, share something
that made you think of them,even a text.
Just these small connects canmake a world of difference in
your feeling of connection.
Number three, anchor rituals.
(19:16):
Plan monthly dinners or standingcoffee dates or walks.
Get involved in a book club.
Rituals take friendship fromsomeday we'll get together to
it's scheduled and on thecalendar.
Number four, executive energyfilter.
(19:36):
If your calendar has time forevery client, but not one of
your core five people, yourpriorities are upside down and
need to be reevaluated.
Number five, empty nesterexpansion.
Okay, all my empty nesters.
When kids leave home, it's timeto start intentionally refilling
(20:00):
your social bucket, whetherthat's with your top five or
your next 10, or joiningcommunities, masterminds,
service groups, creativeclasses.
It's time to get reconnected.
Number six, loneliness firstaid.
When you feel the ache ofdisconnection, you gotta take
(20:24):
action within 24 hours.
Text someone, go where peopleare, treat loneliness as a
health warning because it is.
It's your body's way ofsignaling you that something is
off.
All right, I do get a lot ofQA's from listeners, and here
(20:45):
are some that have come up thatI want to share with you here.
Do online friendships count?
Absolutely.
If there's genuine emotionalexchange and consistency, the
medium doesn't matter.
Felt support does.
Okay, I got another one here.
(21:05):
I'm successful but lonely.
Is there something wrong withme?
There is nothing wrong with you.
You're just human.
Many high achievers amongst ushave traded belonging for
achievement, and now you'resimply in need of some
rebalancing.
And number three, what's theminimum effective dose of
(21:27):
connection?
So this is interesting.
Studies suggest that even two orthree meaningful touch points,
that doesn't even meanget-togethers.
That's just touching base.
So a text, a phone call, runninginto people per week with your
inner circle can boostwell-being and reduce stress
(21:49):
markers.
That's remarkable.
We can do better though.
So, okay, I want to offer you aseven-day friendship challenge.
We now know how vitallyimportant connection is in our
life, for our happiness, for ourphysical health, and for our
(22:11):
longevity, frankly.
We want to be here for as longas possible.
So I'm gonna offer a challenge.
Day one, do the audit.
Look at your closest five andthen move out to your next 10.
And again, these are not justfriends, they're friends,
family, community, neighbors.
(22:34):
Who are those people that youcan be yourself with that you
feel emotionally supported with?
Why does this matter?
Why do we need to do this audit?
Because clarity creates focus.
Then you'll know who you need tobe spending more time with.
Day two of the challenge.
Send a voice note.
(22:56):
Just say, I'm thinking of you.
That's it.
Why?
Because it builds intimacy andeverybody needs to feel
connected.
Day three of the challenge.
Book a coffee or a walk date.
It doesn't have to be lunch,doesn't have to be dinner,
doesn't have to be that big acommitment.
(23:16):
But commit to getting together.
When you book a coffee or awalking date, it turns an
intention into action.
Day four of the challenge, makeit a point to introduce two
people that you know to eachother.
Be a connector.
Because when you're a connector,other people will connect you to
(23:41):
more people.
That's just how it works.
Day five of the challenge,consider joining a group.
This can be any group.
It doesn't have to even be inperson, it can be online.
Being part of something withother people.
Why?
Because it deepens connectionand belonging.
(24:01):
Day six.
Ask deeper questions of yourclosest friends.
Not just how is your day?
But what lights you up?
What truly makes you happy?
What's something you really wantto do?
Start to ask better qualityquestions.
Because the more you do that,the deeper the connection you'll
(24:25):
cultivate.
In day seven of the challenge,plan a recurring ritual.
This can be a coffee date, thiscan be a dinner date, this can
be a girls' gathering, thiscould be a men's gathering, this
could be a brunch date.
It doesn't matter what it is,it's something recurring at some
(24:47):
semi-regular time on yourcalendar with a friend or a
family member, someone you'reclose to, because it makes
connection more sustainable.
And if you are up to thisseven-day challenge, tag me at
Michelle Rios Official.
I'd love to hear what you'redoing and how it's going for
(25:07):
you.
In closing, I want you to thinkof loneliness not as weakness.
It's a warning signal.
And connection with other peopleis not indulgence.
This isn't something you put atthe bottom of the to-do list.
It is actual medicine for yourhappiness and your health.
(25:30):
The Harvard study shows that thequality of your relationships is
the greatest predictor of howhealthy and happy your life will
be.
Good relationships bufferstress, they protect your heart,
they sharpen your mind, and theyliterally add years to your
life.
So today, protect your people.
(25:51):
Take care of thoserelationships.
Send the text, make the call,plan the dinner.
Because in the end, the mostextraordinary lives aren't
measured in milestones or money.
They're measured in the momentsof genuine connection with
others.
The good life is built with goodrelationships.
(26:16):
Thank you for listening.
I'm your host, Michelle Rios,reminding you that the path to
living your extraordinary lifebegins with who you choose to
walk it with.
Take care, and until next time,go live your extraordinary life.
(26:37):
Thank you for listening totoday's episode.
If you enjoyed this podcastepisode, please take a moment to
rate and review.
If you have recommendations forfuture topics, please reach out
to me atMichelleRiosOfficial.com.
Lastly, please considersupporting this podcast by
sharing it.
Together, we can reach, inspire,and positively impact more
(26:59):
people.
Thank you.
This episode of the Live Your Extraordinary Life
Podcast is brought to you byTransformational Coaching with
Michelle Rios, created for highachievers just like you, who've
checked all the boxes yet stillwonder: is this really it?
You've built success, but deepdown you're craving more, more
(00:22):
meaning, more freedom, more joy.
You're ready for your nextchapter.
One that feels fully aligned,deeply fulfilling, and
unapologetically yours.
Through my transformationalcoaching, I'll help you break
free from the patterns andbeliefs keeping you stuck,
clarify your vision for life andbusiness in this next chapter of
(00:43):
life, build unshakableconfidence and self-trust, align
your mindset, energy, andactions so success feels
authentic and easeful, andcreate extraordinary results
without sacrificing yourselfalong the way.
If you're done playing small andyou're ready to rise, visit
Michelle RiosOfficial.combackslash coaching to learn more
(01:07):
and apply.
Your extraordinary life iswaiting.
Are you ready?
SPEAKER_01 (01:12):
The clearest predictor of a long, healthy,
and happy life didn't turn outto be wealth or fame or success
or your sociodemographics.
It was the quality of people'sclose relationships.
Hi, I'm Michelle Rios, host ofthe Live Your Extraordinary Life
(01:36):
Podcast.
This podcast is built on thepremise that life is meant to be
joyful, but far too often wesettle for less.
So if you've ever thought thatsomething is missing from your
life, that you were meant formore, or you simply want to
experience more joy in theeveryday, then this podcast is
for you.
Each week, I'll bring youcaptivating personal stories,
(01:59):
transformative life lessons, andjuicy conversations on living
life to the fullest, with thehope to inspire you to create a
life you love on your terms withauthenticity, purpose, and
connection.
Together we'll explore what itmeans to live an extraordinary
life, the things that hold usback, and the steps we all can
(02:21):
take to start living our bestlives.
So come along for the journey.
It's never too late to getstarted, and the world needs
your light.
And today we're talking aboutone of the greatest predictors
(02:45):
of your long-term well-being andlongevity.
And it has nothing to do withyour cholesterol, your bank
account, or even your daily stepcount.
Nope.
The strongest predictor of howhappy and healthy you'll be over
the course of your life, andactually how long you'll live,
is actually the quality of yourrelationships.
(03:08):
Not how many people you know,not the size of your social
network or the number offollowers you may have on social
media, but how deeply connected,supported, and seen you feel by
the people closest to you.
That's right.
It's not about quantity, it'sall about quality.
(03:29):
And that's not just a poeticnotion.
It's backed by 80 years ofscientific research.
The Harvard Study of AdultDevelopment, which began in 1938
and has followed participantsfor more than eight decades,
discovered that the quality ofour close relationships is the
(03:50):
single strongest predictor oflifelong health and happiness.
People who felt securelyconnected to others, who had
warm, supportive relationshipswith friends, family, and even
community were not only happier,they were physically healthier,
they lived longer, and theymaintained sharper minds as they
(04:14):
aged.
Meanwhile, those individuals whowere more isolated or felt
lonely were actually less happy,less healthy, and died younger.
Make no mistake, lonelinessisn't just an emotional pain
that people feel from time totime.
(04:34):
It's actually toxic to ourhealth.
Research shows that chronicloneliness increases your risk
of premature death from anywhereto 26 to 32 percent.
That's as harmful to your healthas smoking 15 cigarettes a day
and is actually more damagingthan obesity or lack of
(04:57):
exercise.
Let that sink in for a moment.
Loneliness is toxic to ourwell-being.
In 2023, U.S.
Surgeon General Vivek Murphydeclared that loneliness and
social disconnection now pose apublic health crisis, one linked
(05:17):
to higher rates of heartdisease, dementia, stroke,
anxiety, and depression.
According to Murphy, lonelinessin many ways is like hunger or
thirst.
It's a signal our body sends uswhen we're lacking something we
need for survival.
So if you've been feelingdisconnected, maybe your kids
(05:41):
are all grown up and out of thehouse, or your circle of friends
has shrunk over time, or maybeyour work life has overtaken
your social life, this episodeis for you.
Because the anecdote toloneliness is meaningful
connection.
And science shows that you canbuild it at any age.
(06:01):
So wherever you are, grab yourcup of coffee or tea, take me on
your morning walk.
Let's just dive into the dataand look at the single greatest
predictor of an extraordinarylife, the relationships that
sustain you.
Okay.
So let's start with thislegendary Harvard study because
(06:23):
it's one of the most fascinatingpieces of research ever done on
human well-being.
Back in 1938, the researchers atHarvard launched Harvard's study
of adult development, now thelongest study of adult life in
history, and it began with twovery different groups of young
(06:43):
men.
The first were Harvardsophomores, privileged,
well-educated young men whowould go on to become doctors,
lawyers, and even a U.S.
president.
The second group, over 450teenage boys from Boston's
poorest neighborhoods, many fromworking class or unstable homes.
(07:06):
Over time, researchers expandedthe study to include spouses,
partners, and children.
And eventually they came totrack more than 1,300 people
across multiple generations.
And they didn't just sendsurveys, they conducted
interviews, they visited homes,they reviewed medical records,
(07:28):
they ran lab tests, they eventook brain scans.
They studied everything: physical health, mental (07:33):
undefined
well-being, careers, marriages,friendships, over eight decades.
It truly is one of the richestdata sets on what makes life
meaningful and healthy thatwe've ever had access to.
And here's what they found.
After analyzing decades of data,the results were surprising and
(07:58):
profound.
The clearest predictor of along, healthy, and happy life
didn't turn out to be wealth orfame or success or your
sociodemographics.
It was the quality of people'sclose relationships.
Those who felt securelyconnected to others, who had
(08:18):
warm, trusting relationshipswith friends, family, partners,
community were healthier,happier, and lived longer.
They had lower blood pressure,lower stress hormone levels,
stronger immune systems, andslower cognitive decline as they
aged.
And even when they experiencedphysical pain or illness, those
(08:42):
who felt supported reported lessemotional suffering.
Meanwhile, those who werelonely, even if they were
surrounded by people, showedhigher rates of chronic illness,
depression, and early death.
So let's talk about Dr.
(09:02):
Robert Waldinger.
He's the man who's been leadingthis groundbreaking research for
the last two decades.
He's a Harvard psychiatrist, apsychoanalyst, and a professor
at Harvard Medical School.
He's now the fourth director ofthe study since its inception in
1938.
And he's the individual that'shelped bring its lessons into
(09:25):
the modern era.
He expanded it to include womenand next generation
participants.
He's also delivered one of themost watched TED Talks in
history, over 45 million views,and it's titled What Makes a
Good Life?
Lessons from the Longest Studyon Happiness.
(09:46):
And Dr.
Waldinger's message is simple: good relationships keep us (09:46):
undefined
happier, healthier, and help uslive longer.
Period.
Now here's where the sciencegets even more sobering.
When researchers compared peoplewith strong social connections
to those who were isolated orchronically lonely, they found
(10:10):
something shocking.
Social isolation raises yourrisk of early death by 33%.
Chronic loneliness raises it bynearly 30%.
And in adults over 50,loneliness increases the risk of
stroke by up to 56%.
(10:32):
On a global scale, the WorldHealth Organization now
attributes nearly 900,000 deathsevery year to loneliness and
social disconnection.
Loneliness literally inflamesthe body.
It triggers the same fight orflight response as physical
(10:53):
danger, so that floods yoursystem with cortisol and
adrenaline.
It disrupts your sleep, itweakens your immunity, and it
even alters gene expression.
So that ramps up inflammationand shuts down your body's
repair mechanisms.
Neuroscientists call it thebiology of threat.
(11:14):
Your brain reads socialisolation the same way it reads
physical attack.
So when we say connection ismedicine, that's not a metaphor.
It's actually healing your bodyat the deepest level of your
being, right down to the healthof your cells.
But here's where the nuancemakes this study so powerful.
(11:37):
It's not about how many peopleyou know, it's about the quality
of the people you're closest to.
You can be married and stillfeel lonely.
You can have 5,000 followers andstill feel unseen.
Or you can have just two orthree people in your life that
you can truly count on, andthat's enough to change your
(11:58):
health trajectory.
The study found that people inhigh conflict relationships, so
marriages that were filled withtension or friendships that were
filled with judgment, actuallyhad worse health outcomes than
those who were single.
What mattered most was emotionalsafety, the sense that you're
(12:19):
understood, valued, andsupported.
So if you're thinking, look,Michelle, I don't have a big
circle, don't worry, you don'tneed one.
Most studies from Harvard toOxford to the U.S.
Surgeon General point to threeto five close emotionally
supportive relationships as asweet spot.
(12:40):
But here's the even better news.
Even one genuine trustingrelationship, one person who
truly sees you for you, whoshows up when life falls apart,
can help regulate your nervoussystem just by being in your
corner.
Just one person can change yourhealth, your happiness, and even
(13:02):
your longevity.
Now, family versus friends, whatcounts?
People often ask, do theserelationships have to be
friendships or can family counttoo?
And the answer is both count.
Harvard researchers looked atall kinds of connections:
spouses, siblings, children,lifelong friends, neighbors.
(13:25):
What mattered wasn't the label,but the emotional quality of the
relationship itself.
Participants in warm supportivemarriages stayed physically and
mentally healthier well intotheir 80s, while those in
conflicted marriages oremotionally distant families
often fared worse than peoplewho lived absolutely alone.
(13:46):
And people who maintain closefriendships outside their
family, those trusted friendswho saw them through life's ups
and downs, had the same healthbenefits and longevity benefits.
So, okay, let's make this realfor you.
I want you to ask yourself (14:01):
who are your people?
Who could you call at 2 a.m.
and know they'd answer?
Who makes you feel calm, seen,and valued just as you are?
Those are your core connections.
And according to Harvard's data,they're as vital to your
(14:23):
well-being as diet, sleep, andexercise.
And here's the good news it'snever too late.
The study found that people whobuilt close friendships later in
life experience the samepowerful benefits.
So whether you're 35 or 65, it'sthe quality of your
relationships today, not yourpast social history, that shapes
(14:48):
your future health andhappiness.
The good life is built with goodrelationships.
So let's talk about the scienceof connection.
I want to unpack why this worksand why loneliness is so
physically toxic.
Number one, stress buffering.
(15:10):
When you feel connected andemotionally safe, your nervous
system relaxes, cortisol drops,blood pressure stabilizes.
But chronic loneliness keepsyour body in a low grade state
of stress, kind of like an alarmthat never turns off.
Number two, inflammation andimmunity.
(15:32):
Loneliness triggersinflammation, the same
biological process behind heartdisease, arthritis, and even
Alzheimer's.
Your immune system startsfighting imaginary threats
instead of protecting you.
Number three, emotionalregulation.
When you talk through yourfeelings with someone safe, your
(15:55):
brain actually moves from panicto problem solving.
That's why even onecompassionate friend can shift
you out of anxiety and intoclarity.
Number four, behavior contagion.
We mirror our inner circle.
If your closest peopleprioritize health, rest, or
(16:17):
gratitude, those habits rippleinto you.
But isolation breaks that chain.
You start self-soothing in lesshealthy ways, maybe by
overworking or just mind-numbingscrolling on social media or
numbing yourself through alcoholor drugs or TV or many other
(16:38):
ways.
And number five, cognitiveprotection.
Social engagement keeps yourbrain active.
Conversations, laughter,storytelling, they light up
neural pathways and delaycognitive decline.
So when you nurturerelationships, you're not just
feeding your soul, you'restrengthening your heart, your
(17:01):
brain, and your immune system.
But let's talk about the midlifereality that so many of us are
going through.
Kids grow up, careers evolve,parents age, and suddenly the
scaffolding that held our sociallife together disappears.
By midlife, the average Americanreports just four close friends.
(17:26):
Now, that's more than enough ifthose friendships are healthy.
But too often we let them drift.
We don't nurture them and wedon't invest in them.
Busyness replaces belonging, andwe tell ourselves, I'll reach
out to that friend when thingsslow down.
But let's be honest, thingsrarely slow down.
(17:48):
They just change shape.
And that's how loneliness creepsin.
It's quiet, it's subtle, untilone day you realize the people
you love the most barely hearfrom you anymore.
It's not that you don't care,it's this you just forgot
connection needs structure.
So if this sounds like you, thisnext part is going to be your
(18:09):
roadmap back.
Okay, let's talk about thefriendship playbook at midlife.
Number one, the audit.
I want you to list your topfive.
The people who get your firstcall are your calendar priority.
And then move out to your nextten.
(18:30):
Those who make life brighter,but you might not see as often.
Ask yourself, who's missing?
Who drains you?
Who lights you up?
Who needs more of you?
And who do you need more of?
Number two, weekly friendshipconnects.
(18:52):
Two 15-minute windows per week.
That's all you need.
Send a voicemail, a voice note,schedule a walk, share something
that made you think of them,even a text.
Just these small connects canmake a world of difference in
your feeling of connection.
Number three, anchor rituals.
(19:16):
Plan monthly dinners or standingcoffee dates or walks.
Get involved in a book club.
Rituals take friendship fromsomeday we'll get together to
it's scheduled and on thecalendar.
Number four, executive energyfilter.
(19:36):
If your calendar has time forevery client, but not one of
your core five people, yourpriorities are upside down and
need to be reevaluated.
Number five, empty nesterexpansion.
Okay, all my empty nesters.
When kids leave home, it's timeto start intentionally refilling
(20:00):
your social bucket, whetherthat's with your top five or
your next 10, or joiningcommunities, masterminds,
service groups, creativeclasses.
It's time to get reconnected.
Number six, loneliness firstaid.
When you feel the ache ofdisconnection, you gotta take
(20:24):
action within 24 hours.
Text someone, go where peopleare, treat loneliness as a
health warning because it is.
It's your body's way ofsignaling you that something is
off.
All right, I do get a lot ofQA's from listeners, and here
(20:45):
are some that have come up thatI want to share with you here.
Do online friendships count?
Absolutely.
If there's genuine emotionalexchange and consistency, the
medium doesn't matter.
Felt support does.
Okay, I got another one here.
(21:05):
I'm successful but lonely.
Is there something wrong withme?
There is nothing wrong with you.
You're just human.
Many high achievers amongst ushave traded belonging for
achievement, and now you'resimply in need of some
rebalancing.
And number three, what's theminimum effective dose of
(21:27):
connection?
So this is interesting.
Studies suggest that even two orthree meaningful touch points,
that doesn't even meanget-togethers.
That's just touching base.
So a text, a phone call, runninginto people per week with your
inner circle can boostwell-being and reduce stress
(21:49):
markers.
That's remarkable.
We can do better though.
So, okay, I want to offer you aseven-day friendship challenge.
We now know how vitallyimportant connection is in our
life, for our happiness, for ourphysical health, and for our
(22:11):
longevity, frankly.
We want to be here for as longas possible.
So I'm gonna offer a challenge.
Day one, do the audit.
Look at your closest five andthen move out to your next 10.
And again, these are not justfriends, they're friends,
family, community, neighbors.
(22:34):
Who are those people that youcan be yourself with that you
feel emotionally supported with?
Why does this matter?
Why do we need to do this audit?
Because clarity creates focus.
Then you'll know who you need tobe spending more time with.
Day two of the challenge.
Send a voice note.
(22:56):
Just say, I'm thinking of you.
That's it.
Why?
Because it builds intimacy andeverybody needs to feel
connected.
Day three of the challenge.
Book a coffee or a walk date.
It doesn't have to be lunch,doesn't have to be dinner,
doesn't have to be that big acommitment.
(23:16):
But commit to getting together.
When you book a coffee or awalking date, it turns an
intention into action.
Day four of the challenge, makeit a point to introduce two
people that you know to eachother.
Be a connector.
Because when you're a connector,other people will connect you to
(23:41):
more people.
That's just how it works.
Day five of the challenge,consider joining a group.
This can be any group.
It doesn't have to even be inperson, it can be online.
Being part of something withother people.
Why?
Because it deepens connectionand belonging.
(24:01):
Day six.
Ask deeper questions of yourclosest friends.
Not just how is your day?
But what lights you up?
What truly makes you happy?
What's something you really wantto do?
Start to ask better qualityquestions.
Because the more you do that,the deeper the connection you'll
(24:25):
cultivate.
In day seven of the challenge,plan a recurring ritual.
This can be a coffee date, thiscan be a dinner date, this can
be a girls' gathering, thiscould be a men's gathering, this
could be a brunch date.
It doesn't matter what it is,it's something recurring at some
(24:47):
semi-regular time on yourcalendar with a friend or a
family member, someone you'reclose to, because it makes
connection more sustainable.
And if you are up to thisseven-day challenge, tag me at
Michelle Rios Official.
I'd love to hear what you'redoing and how it's going for
(25:07):
you.
In closing, I want you to thinkof loneliness not as weakness.
It's a warning signal.
And connection with other peopleis not indulgence.
This isn't something you put atthe bottom of the to-do list.
It is actual medicine for yourhappiness and your health.
(25:30):
The Harvard study shows that thequality of your relationships is
the greatest predictor of howhealthy and happy your life will
be.
Good relationships bufferstress, they protect your heart,
they sharpen your mind, and theyliterally add years to your
life.
So today, protect your people.
(25:51):
Take care of thoserelationships.
Send the text, make the call,plan the dinner.
Because in the end, the mostextraordinary lives aren't
measured in milestones or money.
They're measured in the momentsof genuine connection with
others.
The good life is built with goodrelationships.
(26:16):
Thank you for listening.
I'm your host, Michelle Rios,reminding you that the path to
living your extraordinary lifebegins with who you choose to
walk it with.
Take care, and until next time,go live your extraordinary life.
(26:37):
Thank you for listening totoday's episode.
If you enjoyed this podcastepisode, please take a moment to
rate and review.
If you have recommendations forfuture topics, please reach out
to me atMichelleRiosOfficial.com.
Lastly, please considersupporting this podcast by
sharing it.
Together, we can reach, inspire,and positively impact more
(26:59):
people.
Thank you.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!