November 12, 2024 • 24 mins
In this episode of The Manhood Tribes Show, we wrap up our series on building close friendships for men. Host Don discusses the crucial difference between seasonal and lifelong friendships, providing strategic advice on cultivating meaningful, lasting relationships.
Whether you're starting from scratch or aiming to deepen existing friendships, this episode offers practical tips on forming your 'tribe'—a group of 5-8 men who help each other become the best versions of themselves.
We also introduce our 'How Manly Are You?' quiz and share exciting plans for our upcoming tribe-launch resource. Join us to discover how you can build and maintain these vital friendships.
00:00 Introduction: Lifelong Friendships
00:56 Manhood Quiz: How Manly Are You?
01:29 Welcome to the Manhood Tribe Show
01:43 The Importance of Male Friendships
03:13 Building Your Tribe: Practical Tips
04:35 Maintaining Your Tribe: Keeping It Going
05:04 Tribe Rhythm: Chisel, Challenge, Adventure
05:56 Avoiding Staleness: Keeping It Interesting
07:36 Long-Term Commitment: How Long Should a Tribe Last?
10:26 Pro Tips for a Successful Tribe
14:05 Advanced Chiseling Techniques
20:12 Balancing Intensity and Fun
22:22 Conclusion: The Value of a Tribe
23:11 Resource Announcement and Wrap-Up
💪 Want to know how you measure up as a man? Take our free quiz, called How Manly Are You? and learn how you can get better at being a man. Download for free at manhoodtribes.com/manly. 💪
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
For guys, what makes thedifference between a guy who has
a close friend for a season anda guy who's a close friend for
life.
That's a different kind offriendship altogether.
And when we think about buildingfriends that we want to have be
part of our tribe, We want tothink more towards that lifelong
(00:21):
end of the spectrum.
Even if they don't end up beinglifelong friends, we want to
develop the kind of friendshipwhere they could be.
But to do that, we need to thinkstrategically about how we build
that friendship.
Let's jump in and talk aboutthat.
On today's episode of themanhood tribe show.
Don Ross (00:57):
Guys want to know how you measure up as a man?
I've got a great resource foryou.
It's called how manly are you?
And it's a free quiz that youcan take to figure out how you
stack up against what it meansto be a man.
And when you take the quiz,you'll also get some free
resources to help you figure outhow you can get better as a man
in the areas where you wouldlike to grow.
(01:18):
So go to manhoodtribes.com/manlyto download your free.
How manly are you quiz today?
That's manhoodtribes.com/manly.
Okay guys, welcome to themanhood tribes show.
My name is Don.
I'm your host.
And today we are going to bewrapping up our series on how to
(01:40):
build close friendships.
If you're a guy, chances are,you have very few, if any close
friends in your life, that'sjust the way that.
Male friendships go in ourculture right now.
It's very rare for most of us.
But as we talk about here atmanhood tribes, what it means to
be an extraordinary man and howto become the best version of
(02:04):
ourselves.
We've been talking for the pastseveral weeks about how
necessary it is.
That we as men really begin tocultivate again, the reality of
close friendships in our lives.
This is the way that men havelived throughout most of
history.
They have always lived in closeknit troops and gangs and tribes
(02:28):
and villages that have allowedthem to know one another to
fight for one another, to haveeach other's backs, to be part
of each other's lives over thecourse of their whole lifetimes.
And it's really only been in thelast few centuries that we here
in America and in the west havereally gotten away from that
style of living.
(02:49):
But I don't know that we're thebetter off for it.
As you look around at ourculture and kind of all the
markers of health for men.
Everything is down.
Everything is down for us asmen.
And so we need to try to do somethings to help, right.
The ship.
And one of those things is thatwe need to learn again.
To live in the context of closefriendship with other guys.
(03:13):
So this series has really beenall about how to help us be able
to do that.
Whether you're starting fromscratch with no friends at all,
and trying to figure out how doI even go about finding some
guys that I could be closefriends with?
To how you began to takefriendships up a level, wherever
you're beginning from, if you'vejust got casual friends or
(03:33):
you've got guys that you'veknown for a while and been
around, but you're not reallytalking about things of
significance.
This series has tried to giveyou some practical tips on how
you can begin to level up thosefriendships, wherever they're
coming from so that you canbegin to approach the idea of
developing a tribe.
I tribe is going to be a groupof, probably about five to eight
(03:56):
guys who are going to challengeyou and help you transform into
being the best version ofyourself.
And here at manhood tribes, wecall that an extraordinary man.
That's the men that we havealways wanted to beat.
It's the men that we kind ofinternally are striving for,
even if, at times on theoutside, we kind of give up on
(04:16):
it.
But if we're going to get there,we've got to have those men
around us who also want the samething.
And her going to help us getthere and we're going to do the
same for them.
So, if you haven't listened tothe past several episodes in the
series, now it'd be a good timeto catch up because today we're
closing out the series.
And what we really want to talkabout is once you have built
(04:39):
that tribe, once you have gottenthings up and off the ground
with a group of guys that youreally want to develop these
kinds of lasting quality offriendships with.
What do you do to keep it going?
How do you make sure that it'ssomething that stays off the
ground?
That gets up and running andstays running.
Because this is not easy.
(05:01):
We've talked about the thingsthat you're going to need to do
as a tribe.
Right?
We covered our tribe rhythm,which is that three weeks of the
month, you're going toparticipate in our chiseling
activity.
And then one week out of themonth.
When you meet, you're going todo some kind of a manhood
challenge or at least plan yourmanhood challenges so that you
can do them on your own over thecourse of the next month or so.
(05:22):
So three weeks chisel, one weekchallenge, and then two to three
times a year, you want toincorporate some kind of a tribe
adventure.
Okay.
So those are the normal parts ofa tribe, rhythm chisel
challenge, adventure.
But is that all there is to it.
Is that all that a tribe everdoes.
(05:43):
And if so, like doesn't it getkind of stale?
Like how do you keep it?
Interesting.
Do you ever like use newcurriculum or find something
else to study or to talk about,or, you know, to go through
together?
Like when you're meeting, ifyou're only ever doing those
things, don't guys kind of getbored with that.
Those are really good questions.
(06:04):
And I will say that from myexperience, it is possible.
But it's not likely.
The reason that it's not likelyis because you're living your
life.
I guarantee you.
That, when you think about yourlife, you know, that you're
always going to have challenges.
There are always going to bedifficulties in your life.
(06:26):
And as things come up in yourlife and in the lives of the
other men and your tribe, therewill always be room and
opportunity to be able toaddress those things, to figure
out how God is working in yourlife, to try to help you get
better.
And to then as a tribe challengeand hold one, another
accountable towards growing inthose areas.
(06:47):
Areas.
But after a while of doing thatsame thing over and over again,
you might find that it can get alittle bit, if not stale, at
least it just become sort oflike normal and commonplace.
And you might need some thingsto kind of give you a little bit
of an infusion of energy,something to kind of revive the
(07:08):
interest of the group and keepguys moving along this rhythm of
becoming the extraordinary menthat we really do want to be.
So to talk about that, I want togive you some ideas from my own
experience of leading a tribeand being a part of a tribe that
have helped us stay together formany years now.
And to continue to enjoy oneanother's company and to get
(07:31):
better at being mint.
So first off, let me justaddress.
How long do you keep a tribegoing?
Does the tribe just last forlike 12 weeks or like a
semester, or, you know, maybefor a year, if it's going really
well.
And I would say the answer isreally two things you go for as
long as you want to keep going.
(07:54):
I think there is real benefitfor men to develop the kinds of
relationships that can last fora lifetime.
Now look, I'm pragmatic aboutthis as well.
I understand not everyfriendship that you develop as a
part of a tribe is going to lasta lifetime.
Not every tribe is going to getup and going and last for the
rest of time.
Right.
I understand those kinds ofthings.
(08:15):
But that's not to say that everyrelationship should look like
that.
But that we ought to bedeveloping the kinds of
relationships that could lastfor a lifetime.
Life will not allow all of themto do so.
And tribes will break up anddisband for one reason or
another overtime.
But if you're developing thosekinds of friendships that could
(08:37):
last for a lifetime, you'll findthere's ever more reason to stay
together.
And when you've been togetherwith a group of men for years on
end, the ability for youtogether as a group to know one
another.
To challenge one another to comealongside one another to support
one another to push one another.
(08:58):
And just honestly, to love oneanother.
Grows tremendously over time.
Not to mention that your abilityto have fun together.
Gets better the longer thatyou're together.
Okay.
So there are all the morereasons to want to try to create
a tribe that is going to last.
And you can go as long as youwant to.
(09:20):
Which I would say is the otherreason is that.
Uh, tribes should last, as longas it's working.
And this is really what'scritical.
What do you do to keep a tribeworking so that it actually is
producing results?
And when I'm talking aboutresults, I'm talking about what
we've said all along is that wewant a tribe to help transform
us.
(09:41):
Uh, tribe is about a group ofmen around us who are
challenging us to become thebest versions of ourselves.
So we all should be growing andmoving towards that version of
ourselves.
And if we're not, then the tribeisn't working the way that it
should.
And at the same time I triedshould be fun.
These should be the guys thatyou just love spending time
(10:03):
around, and you should do thingstogether that are just for the
sake of fun and enjoyment, bothof each other, and of just life
in general.
And as long as those things arehappening, as long as there is
real challenge, real growth,real fun.
Then there's no reason to thinkthat a tribe can't keep working
for as long as you want it to.
But what do you do to be able tomake that happen?
(10:26):
Let me give you some pro tips ofthings that I've experienced
with my tribe and have seen withother tribes that have helped
them be able to last and helpthe relationships within those
tribes to be able to continue.
One I would say is that for thefirst year of being a part of a
tribe, you really should justtry to stick to the basic
(10:47):
rhythm.
Three weeks on one week offchisel and challenge adventure,
two to three times during thatfirst year.
If you can maintain that rhythmwith a group of guys of about
five to eight guys in the group.
Then you're going to find that.
Every guy in the group isgetting, get an opportunity to
be chiseled about once every twomonths or so.
(11:10):
Which is kind of just the rightamount of time to deal with
something significant in yourlife.
And then to be able to come backaround to you in a few months
when you've either got somethingnew to deal with, or you've made
some progress in that existingarea, and now need to address it
from a new angle or a new layer.
So it's just kind of the rightamount of time to give every guy
(11:31):
in the group, an opportunity tobe chiseled a few times over the
course of the year.
To deal with some significantchallenges in their lives.
But more importantly to beavailable, to chisel all the
other guys as you're meetingweekend and week out.
Chiseling is because it is goingto become the major component of
(11:51):
what you do as a tribe.
And you really just need sometime during that first year to
get good at it.
You need to develop yourchiseling muscles to kind of
feel out the rhythm of how to doit.
What kinds of questions to beable to ask?
What kinds of questions to beable to ask each guy
individually?
How is Joe going to responddifferently to this type of
(12:13):
question than Mike would.
You'd need to just kind of learnthose rhythms as a group and
begin to understand one another,get to know one another stories,
get a feel for how to do this.
Well.
And perhaps most importantly inthe chisel process really learn
how to listen to the voice ofGod.
I spent a whole episode.
Last episode, talking all aboutthat.
(12:35):
But it's something that you'rejust going to develop over time.
It's a skill and you need topractice it.
The more practice that you getwith it, the better you're going
to become at it.
Some guys in your group might benaturally kind of better at
listening to the voice of God,than others.
Some might already be cominginto the group with some
experience doing that.
(12:55):
Most guys probably are going tocome into your tribe with zero
experience doing that.
And that's totally okay.
But that's why you need time todevelop that skill and to get
better at listening to the voiceof God.
So for that first year, juststick to the fundamentals,
right?
This is 1 0 1 of tribe, justlike you would have 1 0 1 of
(13:17):
playing basketball or learningthe piano or any other new thing
that you would do.
You need to stick with thefundamentals for a little while,
until you really kind of havethem second nature and can
really begin to understand howthis works together as a group.
But during that first year, goon those two to three
adventures, make them reallyfun, make them something that
(13:39):
your tribe is absolutely lookingforward to.
And that can really be.
A continued motivating factorfor guys to hang in there when
maybe the chiseling and thechallenging can feel a little
tough or even a littlemonotonous.
The adventurous can feel superfun and give guys a reason to
stick around because they wantto be part of the next thing.
Now, once you get past year one,and once you've really kind of
(14:02):
got that standard rhythm underyour belt.
Then I would say to you as atribe, just like you've been
trying to do all during thatfirst year, I would say follow
the king.
Talk to Jesus about what youneed to be doing as a tribe.
Now, I would say you need tostick with the rhythm, but you
might want to give it someflexibility in order to be able
(14:25):
to make the most of it.
So, what do I mean by that?
You might want to, uh, shiftyour chiseling to, instead of
just being about whatever a guywants to talk about that
particular night.
To maybe having a theme or atopic that all of you are going
to chisel around for the nextseveral months.
Let's say it's finances.
(14:46):
Or maybe if all the guys in yourgroup are married, you're going
to spend some time talking aboutyour marriages or maybe for
every guy in the group, you'regoing to talk about sexuality
and the way that each guy isdealing with his own
temptations, lust, how he'susing his sexuality, how he's
not using his sexuality, how hecould grow in that area.
All of that is ripe room for.
(15:07):
Chiseling.
And it may not be something thatyou have immediately gotten to,
but that's okay.
And that first year there's lotsof things to talk about, but as
you move deeper into thatrelationship with each other now
is the time to begin to say,what's unpack some of these hard
things in our lives.
Maybe we've been a littletentative to bring those kinds
of things up.
Maybe it just hasn't been thething that's been most on the
(15:28):
surface that's needed addressingin our lives, but for whatever
reason, these big categories arethings that all guys need to
deal with.
So just start looking at thatand saying, how can we chisel
around those things?
And maybe even, how can we buildour manhood challenges around
some of those things as well.
If you want to talk aboutfinances, there might be all
kinds of skill challenges thatguys need to pursue.
(15:49):
To be able to develop theirskills as it relates to
finances, it could be managingyour day-to-day personal
finances.
It could be planning forretirement.
It could be looking atinvestments or stocks or you
name it.
There's all kinds of skills tolearn.
And those areas that can makefor great manhood challenges
alongside the chiseling thatyou're doing.
So dive into an area like thatfor a while.
(16:12):
You don't just have to do thatonce, but you could do it for
the next six months and reallymake this season of your tribe
about that thing.
And it gives you a long rangeand ramp to be able to kind of
work on something without thepressure of having to figure out
what are we going to do nexttime we get together.
You kind of already got an idea.
You've already got a plan.
(16:32):
You just have to stick with it.
You might also want to have aseason where what you're doing
within your tribe is morechallenged based.
And I mean, manhood challengebased.
Maybe you're picking somemanhood challenges that are
really about exposing some ofthe more difficult or insecure
places in your life, the placeswhere you feel particularly
(16:53):
vulnerable and know that youneed to grow as a man.
So you're building somechallenges around those things,
but then also chiseling as itrelates to why did you need to
build a challenge around thatparticular area?
Why is it that you're so afraidto talk to the auto mechanic?
When you go to have your oilchecked, or, you know, why is it
that anytime you go into ahospital or a doctor's office,
(17:15):
you get super anxious andnervous.
What's that about?
Like, these might be things thatyou need to both develop some
challenges around, but also dosome chiseling with, so pick a
season where you're, you're kindof basing what you're doing and
tribe around your manhoodchallenges and some skills that
you need to grow in, in thoseways.
You might also want to have aseason where you just address
(17:37):
the major hurdles in your life.
My tribe has been together nowfor over five years.
And I will say that for thepast, nearly year, we have spent
time trying to just address thethings that keep coming up in
each of our lives.
So now that we've been togetherfor as long as we have, we kind
(17:57):
of all know like, Hey, I keephearing you over the course of
time.
Talk about your marriage.
Like this continues to be a realsticking point for you and your
wife, or I keep hearing you talkabout your career.
Like every couple years you'rewanting to change jobs.
There's things going on therethat just.
Kind of constantly seem like asource of frustration.
Maybe it's time that we do somereal long-winded chiseling as it
(18:20):
relates to these major obstaclesin our lives.
These things that kind of arechronic problems that keep
surfacing no matter what thesituation and the circumstances
look like.
These are places where wecontinue to kind of circle back
around to pain points andproblems.
So we have been for the lastyear or so, really just kind of
diving into those things,wanting to say that.
(18:41):
If we get five more years downthe road and we haven't made
real progress in these areas,then what are we doing as a
tribe?
How are we helping each otheractually transform into the best
versions of ourselves?
So let's tackle it.
Let's take those things head onand say, Hey, within a year, can
we really make some progresshere?
Can we make some gains in theseareas that are really, really
(19:03):
difficult, but we've had to setaside a season where we're
saying, we're just going tofocus on those things.
So as other.
Other things come up.
We have opportunities to kind oftalk about them, but that's not
what we're chiseling on becausewe're focusing on these kind of
deeper rooted issues that reallyneed to see some progress get
made.
Now.
With all of those things.
(19:25):
It can get really heavy.
The chiseling can get difficult.
The topics can get intense.
The weightiness of things thatyou're dealing with can be
emotional, can just be hard.
And you might come away from anight of chiseling feeling like.
Man.
That was really good.
That was really powerful, butalso.
I'm kind of exhausted.
(19:46):
This is getting to be likereally intense work.
And that's both a really goodsign that change and
transformation is starting tohappen.
But it's also a sign that guysin the tribe can get burnt out.
It can become something thatstarts to feel more like a
burden than it feels like a joy.
And when that's the case, it'stime to just take a break.
(20:07):
You need a break.
So with all things in life,tribe is no exception.
It's not a bad idea to alternatebetween seasons of low intensity
and high intensity.
So when you're going through aseason of high intensity, kind
of like the one I justdescribed.
It's not a bad idea to make surethat you're planning some really
great adventures.
(20:27):
To help break up the, thatseason of high intensity.
To just give some time to letthe steam off a little bit to
just relax, release.
Cut loose, have fun.
Be stupid and ridiculoustogether.
Just enjoy being guys do somethings that you all will really
look forward to doing, and thatwill help keep guys motivated
(20:51):
through the chiseling in orderto be able to get to some things
that they know are going to bereally fun and that they want to
do together with each other.
These are the guys that you'remost going to want to spend some
time with, but if you're notspending some time together,
that is really fun.
That helps you get away.
That helps you push aside someof the heavy things that you're
dealing with, then it's justgoing to be all.
All work and no joy, and none ofus guys need more of that in our
(21:15):
lives.
We need some fun, we need somefreedom.
We need some life and some joyand some laughter and you need
to build that into your triberhythm as well.
Now, with all that being said,There's lots and lots of things
that you can do.
What I hope I'm painting thepicture of, especially for some
of you guys that might be usedto doing something like a church
(21:36):
men's group.
Is that you won't ever need acurriculum for what you do in
tribe?
You are never going to bedependent on someone else
telling you here's what you needto do in your group next week.
You always will have the optionsof following the tribe method.
Using that as your rhythm andjust basing what you're doing on
(21:59):
the needs of the men in yourtribe and what you sense king
Jesus is leading you to do.
Just ask him, Jesus, what do weneed to focus on during this
season?
And let him speak to you.
Let him tell you, what are thethings that your tribe needs to
address?
I guarantee he will be clearwith you because he wants to see
you grow and transform as muchas you do.
(22:22):
Okay.
With all of that being said,you've got a lifetime of joy and
growth ahead of you by being apart of a tribe.
It will change you in ways thatyou can't possibly imagine.
What you think of right now asthe best version of yourself?
It's actually going to end uppaling in comparison to what you
(22:43):
can become through the effortsof your tribe.
And so I want to encourage you.
This is worth it.
This work of building thesekinds of friendships of bringing
these men together around you,of putting in the effort of
chiseling of challenging ofgoing on adventures together.
It is going to be worth it.
(23:05):
But it is going to be some work.
So I want to encourage you to bewilling to put in the work.
And to that end, I want to letyou know that I am actively
developing a resource that isgoing to help you as men be able
to launch your own tribe.
If that's something that youwant to do.
But I really want this to be aresource that is going to be
(23:26):
helpful for you and is based offof your feedback and what are
the things that you would needthe most help on.
So I'm trying to get somefeedback from guys who might be
interested in that, who wouldsay.
Yeah, I hear all this stuffabout tribe.
And I think I want that.
I want to be a part of that, butyou would also be willing to
kind of give some feedback aboutwhat would be most helpful for
(23:48):
you.
If that's you, I would love foryou to go to manhood
tribes.com/launch.
And on that page, you'll find aplace to be able to put your
name on a list where I can getin touch with you about the
launch of this resource and howyou can give some feedback to
help me make it the bestpossible resource.
It can be.
So go to manhoodtribes.com/launch, and add your
(24:10):
name to the list.
And I'll be.
in touch with you soon about thekind of feedback that I need to
get from you.
Okay guys, this wraps up ourseries on how to build close
friends and I hope it has beenan encouragement to you.
I hope it has been a help toyou.
And I also hope it has wet yourappetite for wanting to build
these kinds of friendships intoyour lives because you see what
(24:32):
a value they are and hownecessary they are for you to
become the kind of man that youwant to be.
I look forward to talking toyou.
more about that next time hereon the manhood trap show.
We'll see you then.
For guys, what makes thedifference between a guy who has
a close friend for a season anda guy who's a close friend for
life.
That's a different kind offriendship altogether.
And when we think about buildingfriends that we want to have be
part of our tribe, We want tothink more towards that lifelong
(00:21):
end of the spectrum.
Even if they don't end up beinglifelong friends, we want to
develop the kind of friendshipwhere they could be.
But to do that, we need to thinkstrategically about how we build
that friendship.
Let's jump in and talk aboutthat.
On today's episode of themanhood tribe show.
Don Ross (00:57):
Guys want to know how you measure up as a man?
I've got a great resource foryou.
It's called how manly are you?
And it's a free quiz that youcan take to figure out how you
stack up against what it meansto be a man.
And when you take the quiz,you'll also get some free
resources to help you figure outhow you can get better as a man
in the areas where you wouldlike to grow.
(01:18):
So go to manhoodtribes.com/manlyto download your free.
How manly are you quiz today?
That's manhoodtribes.com/manly.
Okay guys, welcome to themanhood tribes show.
My name is Don.
I'm your host.
And today we are going to bewrapping up our series on how to
(01:40):
build close friendships.
If you're a guy, chances are,you have very few, if any close
friends in your life, that'sjust the way that.
Male friendships go in ourculture right now.
It's very rare for most of us.
But as we talk about here atmanhood tribes, what it means to
be an extraordinary man and howto become the best version of
(02:04):
ourselves.
We've been talking for the pastseveral weeks about how
necessary it is.
That we as men really begin tocultivate again, the reality of
close friendships in our lives.
This is the way that men havelived throughout most of
history.
They have always lived in closeknit troops and gangs and tribes
(02:28):
and villages that have allowedthem to know one another to
fight for one another, to haveeach other's backs, to be part
of each other's lives over thecourse of their whole lifetimes.
And it's really only been in thelast few centuries that we here
in America and in the west havereally gotten away from that
style of living.
(02:49):
But I don't know that we're thebetter off for it.
As you look around at ourculture and kind of all the
markers of health for men.
Everything is down.
Everything is down for us asmen.
And so we need to try to do somethings to help, right.
The ship.
And one of those things is thatwe need to learn again.
To live in the context of closefriendship with other guys.
(03:13):
So this series has really beenall about how to help us be able
to do that.
Whether you're starting fromscratch with no friends at all,
and trying to figure out how doI even go about finding some
guys that I could be closefriends with?
To how you began to takefriendships up a level, wherever
you're beginning from, if you'vejust got casual friends or
(03:33):
you've got guys that you'veknown for a while and been
around, but you're not reallytalking about things of
significance.
This series has tried to giveyou some practical tips on how
you can begin to level up thosefriendships, wherever they're
coming from so that you canbegin to approach the idea of
developing a tribe.
I tribe is going to be a groupof, probably about five to eight
(03:56):
guys who are going to challengeyou and help you transform into
being the best version ofyourself.
And here at manhood tribes, wecall that an extraordinary man.
That's the men that we havealways wanted to beat.
It's the men that we kind ofinternally are striving for,
even if, at times on theoutside, we kind of give up on
(04:16):
it.
But if we're going to get there,we've got to have those men
around us who also want the samething.
And her going to help us getthere and we're going to do the
same for them.
So, if you haven't listened tothe past several episodes in the
series, now it'd be a good timeto catch up because today we're
closing out the series.
And what we really want to talkabout is once you have built
(04:39):
that tribe, once you have gottenthings up and off the ground
with a group of guys that youreally want to develop these
kinds of lasting quality offriendships with.
What do you do to keep it going?
How do you make sure that it'ssomething that stays off the
ground?
That gets up and running andstays running.
Because this is not easy.
(05:01):
We've talked about the thingsthat you're going to need to do
as a tribe.
Right?
We covered our tribe rhythm,which is that three weeks of the
month, you're going toparticipate in our chiseling
activity.
And then one week out of themonth.
When you meet, you're going todo some kind of a manhood
challenge or at least plan yourmanhood challenges so that you
can do them on your own over thecourse of the next month or so.
(05:22):
So three weeks chisel, one weekchallenge, and then two to three
times a year, you want toincorporate some kind of a tribe
adventure.
Okay.
So those are the normal parts ofa tribe, rhythm chisel
challenge, adventure.
But is that all there is to it.
Is that all that a tribe everdoes.
(05:43):
And if so, like doesn't it getkind of stale?
Like how do you keep it?
Interesting.
Do you ever like use newcurriculum or find something
else to study or to talk about,or, you know, to go through
together?
Like when you're meeting, ifyou're only ever doing those
things, don't guys kind of getbored with that.
Those are really good questions.
(06:04):
And I will say that from myexperience, it is possible.
But it's not likely.
The reason that it's not likelyis because you're living your
life.
I guarantee you.
That, when you think about yourlife, you know, that you're
always going to have challenges.
There are always going to bedifficulties in your life.
(06:26):
And as things come up in yourlife and in the lives of the
other men and your tribe, therewill always be room and
opportunity to be able toaddress those things, to figure
out how God is working in yourlife, to try to help you get
better.
And to then as a tribe challengeand hold one, another
accountable towards growing inthose areas.
(06:47):
Areas.
But after a while of doing thatsame thing over and over again,
you might find that it can get alittle bit, if not stale, at
least it just become sort oflike normal and commonplace.
And you might need some thingsto kind of give you a little bit
of an infusion of energy,something to kind of revive the
(07:08):
interest of the group and keepguys moving along this rhythm of
becoming the extraordinary menthat we really do want to be.
So to talk about that, I want togive you some ideas from my own
experience of leading a tribeand being a part of a tribe that
have helped us stay together formany years now.
And to continue to enjoy oneanother's company and to get
(07:31):
better at being mint.
So first off, let me justaddress.
How long do you keep a tribegoing?
Does the tribe just last forlike 12 weeks or like a
semester, or, you know, maybefor a year, if it's going really
well.
And I would say the answer isreally two things you go for as
long as you want to keep going.
(07:54):
I think there is real benefitfor men to develop the kinds of
relationships that can last fora lifetime.
Now look, I'm pragmatic aboutthis as well.
I understand not everyfriendship that you develop as a
part of a tribe is going to lasta lifetime.
Not every tribe is going to getup and going and last for the
rest of time.
Right.
I understand those kinds ofthings.
(08:15):
But that's not to say that everyrelationship should look like
that.
But that we ought to bedeveloping the kinds of
relationships that could lastfor a lifetime.
Life will not allow all of themto do so.
And tribes will break up anddisband for one reason or
another overtime.
But if you're developing thosekinds of friendships that could
(08:37):
last for a lifetime, you'll findthere's ever more reason to stay
together.
And when you've been togetherwith a group of men for years on
end, the ability for youtogether as a group to know one
another.
To challenge one another to comealongside one another to support
one another to push one another.
(08:58):
And just honestly, to love oneanother.
Grows tremendously over time.
Not to mention that your abilityto have fun together.
Gets better the longer thatyou're together.
Okay.
So there are all the morereasons to want to try to create
a tribe that is going to last.
And you can go as long as youwant to.
(09:20):
Which I would say is the otherreason is that.
Uh, tribes should last, as longas it's working.
And this is really what'scritical.
What do you do to keep a tribeworking so that it actually is
producing results?
And when I'm talking aboutresults, I'm talking about what
we've said all along is that wewant a tribe to help transform
us.
(09:41):
Uh, tribe is about a group ofmen around us who are
challenging us to become thebest versions of ourselves.
So we all should be growing andmoving towards that version of
ourselves.
And if we're not, then the tribeisn't working the way that it
should.
And at the same time I triedshould be fun.
These should be the guys thatyou just love spending time
(10:03):
around, and you should do thingstogether that are just for the
sake of fun and enjoyment, bothof each other, and of just life
in general.
And as long as those things arehappening, as long as there is
real challenge, real growth,real fun.
Then there's no reason to thinkthat a tribe can't keep working
for as long as you want it to.
But what do you do to be able tomake that happen?
(10:26):
Let me give you some pro tips ofthings that I've experienced
with my tribe and have seen withother tribes that have helped
them be able to last and helpthe relationships within those
tribes to be able to continue.
One I would say is that for thefirst year of being a part of a
tribe, you really should justtry to stick to the basic
(10:47):
rhythm.
Three weeks on one week offchisel and challenge adventure,
two to three times during thatfirst year.
If you can maintain that rhythmwith a group of guys of about
five to eight guys in the group.
Then you're going to find that.
Every guy in the group isgetting, get an opportunity to
be chiseled about once every twomonths or so.
(11:10):
Which is kind of just the rightamount of time to deal with
something significant in yourlife.
And then to be able to come backaround to you in a few months
when you've either got somethingnew to deal with, or you've made
some progress in that existingarea, and now need to address it
from a new angle or a new layer.
So it's just kind of the rightamount of time to give every guy
(11:31):
in the group, an opportunity tobe chiseled a few times over the
course of the year.
To deal with some significantchallenges in their lives.
But more importantly to beavailable, to chisel all the
other guys as you're meetingweekend and week out.
Chiseling is because it is goingto become the major component of
(11:51):
what you do as a tribe.
And you really just need sometime during that first year to
get good at it.
You need to develop yourchiseling muscles to kind of
feel out the rhythm of how to doit.
What kinds of questions to beable to ask?
What kinds of questions to beable to ask each guy
individually?
How is Joe going to responddifferently to this type of
(12:13):
question than Mike would.
You'd need to just kind of learnthose rhythms as a group and
begin to understand one another,get to know one another stories,
get a feel for how to do this.
Well.
And perhaps most importantly inthe chisel process really learn
how to listen to the voice ofGod.
I spent a whole episode.
Last episode, talking all aboutthat.
(12:35):
But it's something that you'rejust going to develop over time.
It's a skill and you need topractice it.
The more practice that you getwith it, the better you're going
to become at it.
Some guys in your group might benaturally kind of better at
listening to the voice of God,than others.
Some might already be cominginto the group with some
experience doing that.
(12:55):
Most guys probably are going tocome into your tribe with zero
experience doing that.
And that's totally okay.
But that's why you need time todevelop that skill and to get
better at listening to the voiceof God.
So for that first year, juststick to the fundamentals,
right?
This is 1 0 1 of tribe, justlike you would have 1 0 1 of
(13:17):
playing basketball or learningthe piano or any other new thing
that you would do.
You need to stick with thefundamentals for a little while,
until you really kind of havethem second nature and can
really begin to understand howthis works together as a group.
But during that first year, goon those two to three
adventures, make them reallyfun, make them something that
(13:39):
your tribe is absolutely lookingforward to.
And that can really be.
A continued motivating factorfor guys to hang in there when
maybe the chiseling and thechallenging can feel a little
tough or even a littlemonotonous.
The adventurous can feel superfun and give guys a reason to
stick around because they wantto be part of the next thing.
Now, once you get past year one,and once you've really kind of
(14:02):
got that standard rhythm underyour belt.
Then I would say to you as atribe, just like you've been
trying to do all during thatfirst year, I would say follow
the king.
Talk to Jesus about what youneed to be doing as a tribe.
Now, I would say you need tostick with the rhythm, but you
might want to give it someflexibility in order to be able
(14:25):
to make the most of it.
So, what do I mean by that?
You might want to, uh, shiftyour chiseling to, instead of
just being about whatever a guywants to talk about that
particular night.
To maybe having a theme or atopic that all of you are going
to chisel around for the nextseveral months.
Let's say it's finances.
(14:46):
Or maybe if all the guys in yourgroup are married, you're going
to spend some time talking aboutyour marriages or maybe for
every guy in the group, you'regoing to talk about sexuality
and the way that each guy isdealing with his own
temptations, lust, how he'susing his sexuality, how he's
not using his sexuality, how hecould grow in that area.
All of that is ripe room for.
(15:07):
Chiseling.
And it may not be something thatyou have immediately gotten to,
but that's okay.
And that first year there's lotsof things to talk about, but as
you move deeper into thatrelationship with each other now
is the time to begin to say,what's unpack some of these hard
things in our lives.
Maybe we've been a littletentative to bring those kinds
of things up.
Maybe it just hasn't been thething that's been most on the
(15:28):
surface that's needed addressingin our lives, but for whatever
reason, these big categories arethings that all guys need to
deal with.
So just start looking at thatand saying, how can we chisel
around those things?
And maybe even, how can we buildour manhood challenges around
some of those things as well.
If you want to talk aboutfinances, there might be all
kinds of skill challenges thatguys need to pursue.
(15:49):
To be able to develop theirskills as it relates to
finances, it could be managingyour day-to-day personal
finances.
It could be planning forretirement.
It could be looking atinvestments or stocks or you
name it.
There's all kinds of skills tolearn.
And those areas that can makefor great manhood challenges
alongside the chiseling thatyou're doing.
So dive into an area like thatfor a while.
(16:12):
You don't just have to do thatonce, but you could do it for
the next six months and reallymake this season of your tribe
about that thing.
And it gives you a long rangeand ramp to be able to kind of
work on something without thepressure of having to figure out
what are we going to do nexttime we get together.
You kind of already got an idea.
You've already got a plan.
(16:32):
You just have to stick with it.
You might also want to have aseason where what you're doing
within your tribe is morechallenged based.
And I mean, manhood challengebased.
Maybe you're picking somemanhood challenges that are
really about exposing some ofthe more difficult or insecure
places in your life, the placeswhere you feel particularly
(16:53):
vulnerable and know that youneed to grow as a man.
So you're building somechallenges around those things,
but then also chiseling as itrelates to why did you need to
build a challenge around thatparticular area?
Why is it that you're so afraidto talk to the auto mechanic?
When you go to have your oilchecked, or, you know, why is it
that anytime you go into ahospital or a doctor's office,
(17:15):
you get super anxious andnervous.
What's that about?
Like, these might be things thatyou need to both develop some
challenges around, but also dosome chiseling with, so pick a
season where you're, you're kindof basing what you're doing and
tribe around your manhoodchallenges and some skills that
you need to grow in, in thoseways.
You might also want to have aseason where you just address
(17:37):
the major hurdles in your life.
My tribe has been together nowfor over five years.
And I will say that for thepast, nearly year, we have spent
time trying to just address thethings that keep coming up in
each of our lives.
So now that we've been togetherfor as long as we have, we kind
(17:57):
of all know like, Hey, I keephearing you over the course of
time.
Talk about your marriage.
Like this continues to be a realsticking point for you and your
wife, or I keep hearing you talkabout your career.
Like every couple years you'rewanting to change jobs.
There's things going on therethat just.
Kind of constantly seem like asource of frustration.
Maybe it's time that we do somereal long-winded chiseling as it
(18:20):
relates to these major obstaclesin our lives.
These things that kind of arechronic problems that keep
surfacing no matter what thesituation and the circumstances
look like.
These are places where wecontinue to kind of circle back
around to pain points andproblems.
So we have been for the lastyear or so, really just kind of
diving into those things,wanting to say that.
(18:41):
If we get five more years downthe road and we haven't made
real progress in these areas,then what are we doing as a
tribe?
How are we helping each otheractually transform into the best
versions of ourselves?
So let's tackle it.
Let's take those things head onand say, Hey, within a year, can
we really make some progresshere?
Can we make some gains in theseareas that are really, really
(19:03):
difficult, but we've had to setaside a season where we're
saying, we're just going tofocus on those things.
So as other.
Other things come up.
We have opportunities to kind oftalk about them, but that's not
what we're chiseling on becausewe're focusing on these kind of
deeper rooted issues that reallyneed to see some progress get
made.
Now.
With all of those things.
(19:25):
It can get really heavy.
The chiseling can get difficult.
The topics can get intense.
The weightiness of things thatyou're dealing with can be
emotional, can just be hard.
And you might come away from anight of chiseling feeling like.
Man.
That was really good.
That was really powerful, butalso.
I'm kind of exhausted.
(19:46):
This is getting to be likereally intense work.
And that's both a really goodsign that change and
transformation is starting tohappen.
But it's also a sign that guysin the tribe can get burnt out.
It can become something thatstarts to feel more like a
burden than it feels like a joy.
And when that's the case, it'stime to just take a break.
(20:07):
You need a break.
So with all things in life,tribe is no exception.
It's not a bad idea to alternatebetween seasons of low intensity
and high intensity.
So when you're going through aseason of high intensity, kind
of like the one I justdescribed.
It's not a bad idea to make surethat you're planning some really
great adventures.
(20:27):
To help break up the, thatseason of high intensity.
To just give some time to letthe steam off a little bit to
just relax, release.
Cut loose, have fun.
Be stupid and ridiculoustogether.
Just enjoy being guys do somethings that you all will really
look forward to doing, and thatwill help keep guys motivated
(20:51):
through the chiseling in orderto be able to get to some things
that they know are going to bereally fun and that they want to
do together with each other.
These are the guys that you'remost going to want to spend some
time with, but if you're notspending some time together,
that is really fun.
That helps you get away.
That helps you push aside someof the heavy things that you're
dealing with, then it's justgoing to be all.
All work and no joy, and none ofus guys need more of that in our
(21:15):
lives.
We need some fun, we need somefreedom.
We need some life and some joyand some laughter and you need
to build that into your triberhythm as well.
Now, with all that being said,There's lots and lots of things
that you can do.
What I hope I'm painting thepicture of, especially for some
of you guys that might be usedto doing something like a church
(21:36):
men's group.
Is that you won't ever need acurriculum for what you do in
tribe?
You are never going to bedependent on someone else
telling you here's what you needto do in your group next week.
You always will have the optionsof following the tribe method.
Using that as your rhythm andjust basing what you're doing on
(21:59):
the needs of the men in yourtribe and what you sense king
Jesus is leading you to do.
Just ask him, Jesus, what do weneed to focus on during this
season?
And let him speak to you.
Let him tell you, what are thethings that your tribe needs to
address?
I guarantee he will be clearwith you because he wants to see
you grow and transform as muchas you do.
(22:22):
Okay.
With all of that being said,you've got a lifetime of joy and
growth ahead of you by being apart of a tribe.
It will change you in ways thatyou can't possibly imagine.
What you think of right now asthe best version of yourself?
It's actually going to end uppaling in comparison to what you
(22:43):
can become through the effortsof your tribe.
And so I want to encourage you.
This is worth it.
This work of building thesekinds of friendships of bringing
these men together around you,of putting in the effort of
chiseling of challenging ofgoing on adventures together.
It is going to be worth it.
(23:05):
But it is going to be some work.
So I want to encourage you to bewilling to put in the work.
And to that end, I want to letyou know that I am actively
developing a resource that isgoing to help you as men be able
to launch your own tribe.
If that's something that youwant to do.
But I really want this to be aresource that is going to be
(23:26):
helpful for you and is based offof your feedback and what are
the things that you would needthe most help on.
So I'm trying to get somefeedback from guys who might be
interested in that, who wouldsay.
Yeah, I hear all this stuffabout tribe.
And I think I want that.
I want to be a part of that, butyou would also be willing to
kind of give some feedback aboutwhat would be most helpful for
(23:48):
you.
If that's you, I would love foryou to go to manhood
tribes.com/launch.
And on that page, you'll find aplace to be able to put your
name on a list where I can getin touch with you about the
launch of this resource and howyou can give some feedback to
help me make it the bestpossible resource.
It can be.
So go to manhoodtribes.com/launch, and add your
(24:10):
name to the list.
And I'll be.
in touch with you soon about thekind of feedback that I need to
get from you.
Okay guys, this wraps up ourseries on how to build close
friends and I hope it has beenan encouragement to you.
I hope it has been a help toyou.
And I also hope it has wet yourappetite for wanting to build
these kinds of friendships intoyour lives because you see what
(24:32):
a value they are and hownecessary they are for you to
become the kind of man that youwant to be.
I look forward to talking toyou.
more about that next time hereon the manhood trap show.
We'll see you then.
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