December 6, 2025 • 40 mins
MOD concepts have no shelf-life or expiration date. Since our focus is principled and always happening now - each episode will reflect the moving fluid nature of current events.
Ego = I. When I am talking to myself there must be a person in second place I am talking to. And if I am trying to fix that self that is pretty good evidence I think of it as broken while real enough to fix. Imposter syndrome is not an accident. People talk about voices in their head. This split personality is an induced form of schizophrenia.
Ego as a false self is a narrative created to blame for thoughtless shameful choices. This semi-clever ruse of twisted language has been developed to have insanity appear sane, normal and moral. The fact that it has no basis or substance is of little consequence to the maker believing in it. Illusions as reality is induced insanity. All matter and things that matter have substance - lies do not.
We have developed a story around all we are is who and what we think we are. If we think how and what we think is reality, then we think there is no other reality. To face an illusions as reality can have us think we can turn our back on Reality while Reality does not flinch. Thinking insanely about reality does not change Reality it dysfunctionally changes our mentality. The fact that we can think we have nothing to do with anything precedes the thought that we have no place, value or benefit to offer anyone.
Lies foster lies so trying to fix a lie while lying is to continue to maintain baseless, worthless ideas about everything. We cannot be what we have so think we become liars makes the idea of not lying seem preposterous since it would involve killing the self we identify as our self. That which has no life cannot be killed - though while we think it is real, just like a nighmare, it feels real till we wake up. Thinking is not the problem. What and how we think, once we think it is reality and truth, becomes a highly suspect fight for a life that never existed. Obsessvive thinking is an unnatural attempt to turn our thoughts into reality by using pain to claim the effort must be true. If insanity were sane it wouldn't be hard to admit. Insane thoughts are easy to fix once we see they are something we are choosing rather than who, what and how we are.
We Know We Know.
We Are Aware We Are Aware.
We Are as We Are.
Reality is unlimited and never changes. The idea that how and what we think creates reality suggests otherwise. Acting on backward thoughts leads to behaviors that are out of order reflecting a reversal of our natural fortune that are accurately called disorders. Anxious, nervous and systemic disorders reflect this impossible attempt to reverse Nature’s Law and Order and our Universe's Essence. Dis-ease is the lack of ease created and maintained by such twisted mental acrobatics. Stress and Anxiety inhibit healing and compound and degrade health.
Mentality is a bodily function. Mental disease is a physcial ailment. For as long as it is misdiagnosed - any cure or treatment will perpetuate its contagion.
Principles affirm Our Indivisible nature. Sharing Principles confirms our natural indivisibility. Inspiration is natural while desperation, depression, degradation and acting oblivious to what is obvious is an unnatural choice to oppose reality which is impossible to accomplish though we are free to try.
Ignoring what is happening, acting as though it shouldn't be or isn't happening, produces the unintelligible gibberish of ignorance - not reality.
Listen
Watch
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_01 (00:04):
Good day, everyone, everywhere.
I am uh going to talk today alittle about the ego and the
concept of the ego.
And I am doing this as aprelude, precursor per se, to
the discussion about this firststep.
And the reason I want to do thisis because it shows or begins to
(00:30):
show the flexibility that wordshave in terms of their use.
And so to think of things asthough they're static, meaning
still, like the word ego, is tomake believe that how we think
of it today is the way it'salways been and the way it
always is.
And the point of that is to showthat the transition that AA
(00:52):
followed came out of a newthought movement starting in the
1800s.
And I'm going to do a talk onthat, a little more elaborate
talk on that, because all ofthose periods of time, there
were new understanding of howthings actually were, that were
really an undoing of ideas thathad been held to be true that
(01:14):
were not true.
And historically, and normallyin the present, not referring to
the past, but the present, ideasthat aren't true utilized create
dysfunctional effects.
That means they're not worthy.
They're not worthwhile, they'renot valuable, they're not
useful, they're not beneficial.
(01:35):
They're none of the things thatwe are capable of doing, except
that by doing those things, weare capable of noticing
something must be wrong to becreating those effects.
So when it comes to mentallyobsessive thinking, what's
important is to notice it issomething we are doing with our
(01:56):
thinking that is untrue, that weare thinking is true, and as a
result, have to keep thinkingabout it because its only basis
is in thought about it's inthinking about thinking.
It's not thinking that's theproblem here.
The basis of our thinking, thebasis of our body, the basis of
the world, the basis of theuniverse is based in reality and
(02:17):
truth.
All of us in the same way.
Everyone and everything, allthat are and all that is, are
based in an essence of realityand truth.
These aren't optional.
They're not things that we canhang on to or get to, they're
things that we already are.
And we can confuse our thinkingfor reality and for truth,
(02:38):
especially when we startthinking about things.
We have this contemplativeadvantage that allows us to do
that, to think about things, toconsider things.
But it's inconsiderate to makebelieve those things we consider
become what we think of them andonly what we think of them.
Because to any degree we thinkof something as being less than
(02:58):
it actually is, we're notthinking of it at all.
We're thinking only what we'rethinking of it.
And this is the beginning ofself-centered thinking, as the
book describes it.
So the first step is very muchabout self-centered thinking,
the idea that what we think istrue is true rather than truth
is true, and it is the platformand the basis for our thinking.
(03:21):
So another point that's worthnoting the psychic shift that
seems to be critical to anexperience sufficient to begin
to operate on a basis that iscompletely thought to be
impossible to the person withinthe context of obsessive
(03:45):
thinking or about acting incompulsive ways, is simply
coming to terms.
A moment of clarity is actuallystarting to see things clearly.
The psychic change is changingour psychology, meaning our
mentality, starting to functionon a basis of being willing to
look at things as they arerather than as we thought them
to be.
So I'm going to talk about thatin relation to the ego.
(04:06):
And you can see the transitionin this same word being used in
very, very different ways.
And today it's still used thatway, which is a major failing in
our ability to actually reckonwith it because we've turned it
into something it was not and isnot, and act as though it is.
And as a result, we're operatingon a basis that isn't true.
(04:26):
So it becomes very difficult toundo something that doesn't
exist that we make believe istrue and real.
So the basic root of the idea,the word ego in Latin means I.
So you and I are eyes.
We're I am.
Basis of our thinking.
I am the thinker, I have a body,I have a brain in that body,
(04:51):
that that brain thinks.
Doesn't mean that's all that Iam, it means it's something I
have.
So I have a body, I have abrain, I have thoughts.
And for 2,000 years, since Greekand Latin were the dominant
languages, that's what that wordmeant.
(05:13):
There was no implication of afalse self whatsoever, a
delusion, distortion, none ofit.
So I am the source of thethinking I'm doing.
I am the source of the feelingsI'm having.
I am responsible for thebehaviors and the actions I take
based on those thoughts andfeelings.
I am, I am, I am.
In the Bible, they talk aboutthe great I am being God.
(05:36):
Well, we're rooted in thatdivinity.
That natural reality and truthis rooted in the reality and
truth of an absolute infinitesource, whatever that might mean
or whatever that might be.
So come the 1890s, and this isafter the New Thought Movement
started, by the way, wherepreachers, pastors, whatever
(05:59):
they were called, began to cometo terms with the idea that we
each had a sense of divinity inus, that we each shared that,
that it was natural for us.
David Thoreau, Ralph WaldoEmerson all wrote about it in
the early 1800s.
They started writing more aboutit in the mid-1800s, etc.
But in terms of the transitionof the ego becoming something we
(06:21):
think is real, started toformalize with Freud dividing it
into the id and the ego and thesuperego, meaning that he was
beginning to break apart theparts of this context that we
were thinking about.
So he called it the part of themind that mediates between
instinct, morality, and reality.
(06:41):
And it was not originally afalse self, it was simply the
psychological manager ofexperience.
That's how he saw it.
Yet he began to describe it asdefensive, deceptive, and prone
to distortion.
And that opened the door to thefalse self concept or
interpretation.
So now you're talking 1900 to hestarted it in the 1890s, but
(07:07):
this went on from 1900 to 1940,where the ego became a
psychological structure, not theI am.
That's the key element here.
So early spiritual spiritualpsychology, 1930 to 1970,
writers of New Thought, JungianCircles, A.A.
and early spiritual writers likeEmmett Fox, Carl Jung, Thomas
(07:32):
Merton, Aldous Huxley begandescribing ego as the self you
think you are, not the self youare.
The illusion of separateness,the imagined identity, the mass
consciousness constructs.
So alongside Freud talking aboutit as being this thing that we
have and that we are until westart seeing it at that point
(07:56):
with Freud, it was seen as ouridentity, who we are.
These gentlemen are beginning tolook at it.
It's the false self.
So now all of a sudden it'slooked at as false identity,
delusion, misperception,self-will, mental obsession.
Totally lines up with AA, thebook being written between 1935
(08:20):
and 1940.
Bill calls it selfishness,self-centeredness.
That we think is the root of ourproblem.
This was an ego descriptionwithout using the word.
And yet, Bill used egotistical,egocentric, egoism, selfish,
dishonest, etc.
(08:42):
Eastern influence in this regardhit mainstream Western
psychology and began to becomeassimilated from the sixties on.
Alan Watts came from Britain,PhD, understood Eastern
philosophy, Buddhism, and allthat, started talking about it
openly.
SPEAKER_00 (09:01):
So in the Vendadas, we are the eye maker.
SPEAKER_01 (09:12):
Which is if we're the maker of the eye, that's the
false self.
In Buddhism, there's no fixedself.
In Zen, Ego's illusion, KrishnaBurdy, Ram Das, Course in
Miracles, how cartol, alltalking about this.
So the Rego's now ego is nowrecast from the 60s and into the
(09:34):
70s.
Course of Miracles was writtenin the 70s.
Ram Das spoke till probably 15years ago or 20 years ago.
The imagined self that obscuresawareness.
Now egos become the constructedidentity, the story of me, the
psychological mask, the thinkerwho believes in thoughts.
(09:55):
Its thoughts are reality, thesubjective prison, the
hallucinated sense ofseparateness.
It's not the literal meaning,it's just a conceptual
repurposing in the in the use ofthe word.
So it's slowly transitioning.
(10:15):
Psychology uses the words ego asFreud did, structure.
There's something there.
Spirituality uses it as a saysit as a false false self, the
illusion.
Meaning there's nothing there.
It's just an image.
And the image is there, but itisn't real.
(10:36):
It's just based in a thought.
Common speech uses ego asarrogance and inflation and so
forth.
So ideas like ego got the bestof me.
All my grandiose ideas are my myego.
Think of it as somethingseparate from me.
It's mine, but it isn't me.
(10:58):
It's my ego.
My ego's out of control, we say.
To think this is to think it hasa life of its own, just like we
think our thoughts have a lifeof their own when we think they
can attack us and subject us tothem rather than see that we are
(11:21):
the subject creating them.
We are the one imagining them.
The internal, the mentalobsession is the internal debate
over creating an idea and makingbelieve it's true, so we become
the cause of the effect thatfeels disconnected, alone,
separate from, apart from, etc.
It's all induced by the thinkingwe're doing and choosing freely.
(11:45):
If we're choosing freely to feelcondemned, there's obviously a
bit of a break there that doesnot align with instinct that
would act in our favor of healthand nature and function and
honesty.
(12:05):
And honesty does not require webe right.
It does not require that wethink we're telling the truth.
It's simply an honest appraisalof what's happening as it's
happening.
What I'm thinking is what I'mthinking, right or wrong.
If I can begin to address that,even in my own internal
experience, it becomes a loteasier to talk about as
(12:26):
something I'm simply doingrather than something I think I
am.
When I think my thoughts arereality, I think I become my
thoughts, I think I'm in mythoughts, I think I'm stuck in
my head.
All of those concepts start todevelop because they're
narrative stories, trying togive form to the illusion that
we're creating.
(12:49):
So the I is the nature of thebeing nature that we share.
The I am thinking to myself.
Well, who am I thinking to?
I'm really thinking about mythinking.
(13:10):
And because I can think about mythinking itself, I've determined
that is myself.
It isn't.
That is what I am doing.
To think about it that way isirresponsible.
To think about it as something Iam doing is responsible.
Because that's what I'm doing isthinking about my thinking
itself.
So to think about thinking, I amtalking to myself means I'm
(13:36):
talking to my thoughts.
I am thinking to myself meansI'm thinking about my thoughts.
I am only thinking of myselfmeans I'm in an obsessive
thought process that just goesround and round and round and
round.
And the nature of a lie is thatit only happens in the brain.
(13:57):
And the nature of a lie requiresthat I think that a wrong
thought or some thought isreality, is true, is something
that it isn't.
It's the whole basis of a lie: that false is true and true is (14:05):
undefined
false.
So it only lives or seemed tolive in my thinking.
But it really has no life of itsown.
It has no life whatsoever,except for the thinking I do
about it that continues to giveme the impression that it is
going on rather than I amcontinuing to maintain it,
(14:26):
period.
So what do we say?
I need more self-confidence, Ineed more self-awareness, I am
self-absorbed, I am selfish, Iam self-reliant, I am
self-abusive, I need moreself-help.
We're trying to fix the selffrom the thinking about it as
(14:46):
though it's real and wonderingwhy we can't seem to get that
job done.
This is the ultimatepowerlessness of the first step,
powerlessness of the first step.
It's about mentality, not thedrink, not the compulsion.
Those are all byproducts thatare giving us perspective on
something we're doing.
So the reason I wanted to dothis today, and I'm going to do
(15:08):
some of these in shorter formsso that you can sit with some of
these thoughts and maybere-listen to them because they
won't be as lengthy as some ofthe hour and hour and a half
conversations we've had.
And early on in this wholeepisodic venture of talking
about the mental obsessionopenly, when we originally had
our discussions, uh, one of themlasted almost five hours before
(15:30):
anybody even realized that wehad been talking for five hours.
Because time begins to evaporatewhen you begin to consider
things in absolute terms,because there isn't any time or
space in absolute terms.
They're absolute.
That's the nature of our nature.
There's freedom, absolutefreedom.
So having the absolute freedomto think whatever we want, if we
(15:51):
think things that seem tocondemn us, obviously, again,
that is probably not the bestutilization of our thinking.
And there may be some mistakenthinking within that context.
And I would say there always is.
But it's not my words that aregoing to make any difference to
you.
It's you beginning to noticethat you have an experience and
it is yours, and you havethoughts and they are yours, and
(16:14):
you have feelings and they areyours, and you use words and
they are yours, and you dobehave and they are your
behaviors, they are yourchoices, and nobody can impact
you more than you can beimpacted by the choices you
make.
Because if you think anybodyelse is close enough to you to
hurt you, short of violence,because obviously if somebody's
(16:34):
violent towards you, there's animpact.
But when it comes to thinking,when I think I'm in my thinking,
and everyone, anyone else has acontrary thought, I feel my life
is threatened by their contrarythought.
That has nothing to do withthem.
I'm using them to excuse whatI'm doing in my own thinking.
And the struggle I'm having isnot with them, it's with the
(16:57):
thought I have about them.
So the problem is not thought,it's believing the thinker is
the self.
We can absolutely freely thinkabout our thinking.
It's one of the contemplativeadvantages that humans have.
We were given that for goodpurpose.
(17:19):
The book even says on page 53while there's a very there's a
huge conversation about the factthat we have no control, we have
no power.
Let me read this.
Logic is great stuff, we likedit, we still like it.
It is not by chance we weregiven the power to reason, to
examine the evidence of oursenses and to draw conclusions.
(17:42):
That is one of man's magnificentattributes.
In the big books.
So we have power.
We just don't have power whenwe're thinking insane thoughts.
There is no power.
So that's a little bit of awindow into the first step.
But this idea about ego to showthat words can be words that
(18:06):
mean one thing, it still means Iin Latin, it still means I in
Greek.
Sum is the word.
That's the word, S-U-M.
I believe, I think that's right.
Cogito ergo sum is I think,therefore I am.
And the fact is, I am, thereforeI think.
(18:28):
Descartes was looking at thatcontext to begin to notice that
we had calculable ways to beginto understand whether our
understanding was right orwrong, scientific ways.
And what's science mean?
Knowledge.
That ways we could know, ways wecould develop knowing, our human
experience is profoundly able todeal with the issues at hand,
(18:53):
that is profoundly disabled bythinking about things that
aren't true as though they'retrue.
It isn't an accident, it is nota coincidence, is a it is a
coincidence because of theimmediacy of consequence and
effect to any cause.
If we are at the center of thatcause, we are at the center of
(19:16):
the problem.
And the effect, if you don'tthink you're doing this, look at
the effects of your life.
I have many, many people say tome, I know I'm not my thoughts,
and then from that point onstart to describe experiences
they're having that would beidentical to someone who thinks
they are their thoughts.
So we can make believe as humansthat we aren't doing what we're
(19:40):
doing while we're doing thatthing we say we're not doing.
That's how deceptive we arecapable of being.
And Boyd sort of nailed it.
He began to describe this thingthat he had isolated as an ego
as just a structure ofdefensive, deceptive, and prone
to distortion.
What's the Distortion, not anaccurate assessment of things.
(20:02):
Bill says in the big book, wesuffer from a lack of
proportion.
What does that mean?
We turn nothing into everythingand everything into nothing.
What does that mean?
At the core of our thinking, wethink we're God to make believe
that we're the creators ofreality.
And as a result, we becomeoffended by anybody who doesn't
think like us.
And then we try to manage thatproblem by becoming desensitized
(20:25):
to it, numb to it, denying it.
So the point of today's talk,again, is to show that this
transition is wholly happeningwithin the mentality of
justification andrationalization of who we think
we are, that we aren't.
(20:47):
If I live on that basis, if themost fundamental thinking I'm
doing about life, reality, andtruth is wrong, then I am
thinking insanely, and all thesubsequent thoughts I think I'm
going to use to fix it are basedon that same sick thought.
We say that our secrets kill us.
(21:10):
We're only as sick as oursecrets.
Well, this is the big secret,because this is the source of
the disease of addiction.
The idea that we can maintainlies and turn them into truth.
If they could be turned intotruth, they wouldn't be lies.
They would just be somethingthat hasn't happened yet because
we haven't figured out what thesteps are, like Orville and
(21:31):
Wilbur developing the wing for aplane.
They knew it could happenbecause they saw it in nature.
They saw wings being used.
They knew a wing could bedeveloped.
So their failure wasn't failure,it was a step in the direction
of success.
Their failure gave them a clearindication: don't do this again,
(21:51):
but try this, try that, try theother thing.
Exactly what Descartes wastalking about in terms of his
scientific method, beginning touse the process of elimination
and logic.
That I'm going to suggest to yousitting there.
The book talks about we will nolonger be baffled, we'll
intuitively know how to handlesituations that used to baffle
(22:12):
us.
Intuition is the nature ofinspiration and wisdom.
Because it's defined asknowledge beyond reason, meaning
there's no thinking involved atall.
There's no understandinginvolved as a result.
There's no reason for it,literally no reason for it.
There's no logic in it.
And why do we know we know?
We just know we know.
And if you listen to people andlisten to your own experience,
(22:34):
you all often say that.
Why do you know?
I just know I know.
You have that intense, that thatintuition and the intensity of
that awareness.
You already have it now.
Always have, always will.
It isn't somewhere else.
So the steps in each case untilthe 12th step are giving us
(22:58):
ideas.
Actually, 10, 11, and 12 aregiving us ideas that begin to
undo the idea the only thing wecan do is redo the thing we've
always been doing that haschronically been causing a
disturbance that is very, veryuncomfortable and very
impossible to live with on along-term basis, which is why
(23:20):
suicide and addiction.
Addiction is suicide in a slowerform.
Suicide is a more intentionalelimination of the body that
thinks, rather than simplylooking at the thinking that's
causing the problem that givesus the impression the only thing
we can do is kill ourselves, bythe way.
We're not killing the eye, we'rekilling ourselves, this idea we
(23:43):
have about ourselves.
So there's an old adage that ifyou're thinking about suicide,
you're killing the wrong self,the wrong person, because it's
the idea we're having about it.
There is no the real self, thecapital self, is the eye that we
all share.
If it's a source of nature andnature is natural, it's our
(24:04):
nature.
It isn't an exception, it isn'tan option, it isn't a
negotiation, it isn't a choice.
It's just the state of ourbeing.
Now, always.
If I'm thinking in honest termsabout what's happening, I'm
starting to think about thingsdisturbing as disturbing rather
than things I should feel betterabout and get over.
(24:24):
Starting to notice that my bodylanguage is giving me very
explicit instructions as to howto grow, how to develop, how to
be more beneficial, how to bemore generous, because that's
the nature of that infinitesource, love.
That means generosity,abundance, unlimited support.
(24:48):
If I think I'm looking for loveall the time and don't admit I
have it, I'm not, I'm denying Ihave it.
If I think I'm looking for God,I don't deny God exists.
How could God be missing when somuch of my own thinking is
screwed up and I'm sure thatit's God missing and I need to
see God?
(25:10):
So that little few more thingson my list here.
I'll mention ego is never meantto represent a false self, it's
developed in that direction sowe could justify an excuse for
it not being us.
I don't have anything to do withit.
(25:30):
It's my ego.
Oh, my ego got the best of me.
Think about that.
It's another way of trying to beirresponsible for what we're
doing.
If there are any absolutestates, and reality is an
absolute state of reality, andtruth is an absolute state of
truth, and they're probably thesame thing because there's no
division in an unseparable,indivisible, immutable,
inviolable, absolute state ofbeing, then I can't be a false
(26:00):
self, but I can think I ambecause I have the absolute
freedom to do that.
And if that absolute source isresponsible for everything, then
responsibility is an absolutenature of our existence.
So I can think irresponsibly,but responsibility I can't shake
(26:21):
because I am responsible bynature.
We are responsible as nature.
Nature is responsible fornature, period.
What is responsibility?
It's ability to respond.
What's an allergy?
Abnormal reaction.
What do we do?
More and more and more of thething to try to stop it.
But not in all respects, withall allergies.
People with peanut allergies donot eat peanuts addictively.
(26:45):
Difference is we get a hit ofsatisfaction by taking a drink,
by using a drug, by makingbelieve that our thoughts are
true and real, we get aninternal hit of dopamine and
serotonin, whatever thefeel-good drugs are in our
chemical body.
We are actually manipulating,even in sobriety, to feel better
(27:07):
for a minute, to think I can getover it and leave it behind.
And by denying it and pretendingit's not there, I'm going to get
better and I'm going to thinkpositively.
The whole structure of matter,including our bodies and the
planets and the universe, isbased on positive and negative
energy.
If the negative energy isremoved from an atom, there is
no matter in an atom at all.
So not only would there be nomatter in the universe, there
(27:29):
would be no bodies in theuniverse, and nothing would
matter to us whatsoever.
The fact that it matterssuggests that balance, positive
and negative, is an inherentpart of reality.
And if we are a byproduct ofreality, a product of reality,
then that is our reality.
And to think in terms that defythat, or to think in terms that
(27:53):
don't have any basis other thanour own thinking.
And we're each free to do that.
Each one of us.
And to think someone elseshouldn't be doing what they're
doing or thinking what they'rethinking is to not really
understand that they'reabsolutely free to do it.
Right or wrong, they'reabsolutely free to do it.
And the only chance, just likefor any of us, getting sober is
(28:15):
to come to terms with the factthat we identify with the
problem as being a problem thatwe are having.
And when it comes to mentalissues, if I'm having it and I'm
free to choose what I'mthinking, I am the responsible
party for the thinking I'm doingand the impacts and the effects.
If you don't think you're doingthis, look at the effects you're
(28:38):
having.
Look at the way you think ofother people.
Look at the way you've thoughtof other people who you
eventually have a shift with inyour thinking and don't think of
them the way you did when youthought they were despicable and
hateful and spiteful.
And all of a sudden you find outthere's actually more than that.
Within any limited realm,there's always more to consider.
(28:59):
There's always more to know.
There's always room to grow.
Always.
So to begin to exercise thatflexibility is to begin to be
yogic mentally, start toactually notice we are flexible.
We are not stiff, we are notstuck, we are not absolutely
failures in any respect.
Our thinking can fail, and wecan consistently have it fail if
(29:23):
we consistently use a failedapproach to our thinking that is
mistaken.
So those thoughts we're having,we thought became our identity.
So if we're starting to identifywith the disease, we're starting
to admit that we're not thethinking, that we're creating
that imagery.
(29:44):
And that imagery is disturbingfor us when we witness it
because we know that it'skilling us.
We know that it is causinganxiety and stress and pressure
in our body, that it'sundermined.
We don't have to know all thosefacts to have that feeling of
doom.
And what we're feeling is athought that's doomed, not
reality, not truth.
We're feeling the possibilitythought gives us to recognize
(30:05):
disturbances as evidence of ourgreater awareness.
The problem is not thought.
The problem is making believeall we are is what we think.
So it's thinking about, it'sit's the what and how we think,
what we think about, how wethink about our thinking, what
(30:27):
we think about our thinking.
That's where the problem is.
It's not in the thinking.
Which is evidenced by anybodywho has a psychic change and
starts thinking honestly aboutwhat they're doing and starts
noticing the freedom that comeswith it and the wisdom that
comes with it, and the abilityto make choices that previously
seemed impossible, exactly asthe book says.
We start doing and feelingthings that we didn't think were
(30:48):
possible prior.
Well, sir, sure, we're operatingon an impossible basis.
What are we going to try to do?
Everything impossible.
Because we're trying to provethe lie is true.
Never can be done.
Impossible.
It's really the defeat, thefailure of this first step.
And we'll get there eventually.
I wanted to talk about thisbecause I want you to begin to
(31:10):
consider if you're willing andinterested.
This whole concept of ego issomething that has taken an
illusion, something you couldsee through if you looked at it,
and turned it into a bunch ofwords that give it a narrative
that makes it seem real becausewe've created a story around it
that has all of these opinionsabout it as though it's
operating against us.
It's exactly what happens when Ithink I don't, when I think I
(31:33):
have nothing to do with what'shappening, I immediately think
that what's happening ishappening to me rather than
something caused by me.
And each of us, each of us,every one of us interprets
what's happening in our ownthoughts.
So my words will never besufficient without your words,
ever.
(31:53):
And to give you that respect isto start to dignify the state of
our human experience in waysthat allow us to begin to
actually look at what we'redoing and notice that our body
is giving us perfect answers inhow we feel.
If I feel depressed, I'mthinking something that is
(32:14):
weighty because there's aconflict.
If I feel bad, I'm thinkingsomething bad about something.
I don't even need to knowanything, I don't need to know
the thought to understand theeffect.
And one of the ways to get lostin all this is to start thinking
you're going to start digginginto a past and uncover.
There is no past that isn'tpresent.
The present is the accumulationof everything that's ever
(32:36):
happened and it's happeningright now.
All the effects that have everbeen created are the sum total
of the moment.
So if the if the sum total ofeverything that's ever happened
in our experience is here now,this is where it's resolved.
It's resolved by reckoning withthe feelings you're having about
(32:56):
the thoughts you're creating andmaintaining.
And the other element to thisthat we'll get into later is
that most of what we'resuffering from are the thoughts
that we don't think we'rehaving.
Now go back to Freud.
What has he said?
Deceptive, prone to distortion.
We can be deceptive, we can makebelieve we're not thinking what
we're thinking and doing whatwe're doing, and end up thinking
(33:18):
there's nothing we can do aboutit.
That's the arc of addiction.
I have nothing to do with it,there's nothing I can do about
it, I can only continue to dowhat I'm doing and feel
justified.
The Trinity of mental health isresponsibility, freedom, and
choice, meaning we areabsolutely responsible, which
(33:38):
means we have the ability torespond to what's happening.
And that means, like nature, inline with what's happening
rather than what we think ishappening and how we think it's
happening.
And absolute freedom alwayscomes with responsibility
because if you act responsibly,there's freedom.
If you act irresponsibly, youfeel condemned.
(34:01):
So, choice as a principle inthis regard, as a principle of
mental health for humans, we'realways making choices.
We always have wants, we alwayshave desires.
If I think my thoughts are real,I think those become desires all
of a sudden become my needs.
So now instead of instinctivelyrelying on my body to guide my
(34:23):
needs, to guide my need to need,air, good food, warmth, all
those things that I would do tomaintain my survival, I've
created my own instinctive needaround this idea that my wants
have become my needs.
And all of a sudden I'm inconflict all over again because
now I have to have things.
So when I don't have what Ihave, I think I have to have
(34:45):
things.
That's textbook addiction.
I have to have it, I have tohave it, I have to have it, I
have to have it, I can't dowithout it.
Well, I've been doing without itlong enough not to have it.
Certainly that's some evidence,but yet I've always had the
thing I have, which is anabsolute nature grounded in
reality, founded in reality,sourced in reality, sourced in
truth, sourced in love.
(35:07):
So I can't not have that, but Ican think I can because I can be
thinking, my thinking can bedefensive and deceptive.
And any lie that I'm maintainingis a defensive form of thought.
So it's highly reactive, highlydefensive, hyper-defensive, and
hyper-reactive.
And that's the precursor toimpulsivity and compulsivity.
(35:30):
So I'm going to leave you onthat basis.
If you notice any of this andstart to ponder any of this and
want to talk about any of this,I am always available, as are
other people within my immediatesphere, who have dealt with this
for a while.
But you also, I know love andcare for other people and may
(35:52):
not be having conversations withthem.
My experience is that if I'mthinking obsessive thoughts, I'm
only thinking I'm hearing what Ithink is being said, and I'm
only thinking I'm seeing what Ithink is being seen.
So I'm not hearing and seeingwhat's happening.
And if you ever notice inconversations, it's very often
you presume that you've made apoint, you presume that you've
made yourself clear, and thenthe interpretation of what
(36:14):
people turn it into iscompletely something else.
And seems baffling that theycould do that.
But it's exactly what I do whenI'm thinking about things in
these seeming self-centeredways.
It's worth noting if what we'redoing is a delusion, it really
doesn't exist except for thethinking I'm doing about it.
So I'm always restarting it tobe suffering from it.
(36:38):
It isn't there without myinvolvement, my choice.
If you have a friend and want todiscuss this, you can always
have them listen to this so thatyou have a basis for the
discussion and start to expandit.
(36:58):
My experience in sobriety isthat when I begin to apply the
principles, which is exactlywhat the 12th step asks me to
do, in all my affairs, I startseeing that all my affairs,
principles have always appliedto all of my affairs.
It's not something new.
It's always been that way, andI've been delusionally thinking
I was separate and apart fromthat, which is why I felt alone
and disowned and not belongingand all those other kinds of
(37:20):
byproducts that come out of thatthinking.
I was feeling my thoughts, notreality.
But when I thought they werereality, I thought that's who I
was, what I am, all I am,worthless, useless, unable, etc.
Unlovable, unwantable.
So what do I need?
People to want me.
What do I do?
Appear in every way I can toappease them.
People please.
(37:41):
I'm not honest, I'm completelydeceptive, manipulative.
So that's a breath.
If you want to talk about it,people are available.
If you do talk about it, you'llsee how things apply and also
see that it's not always easy totalk about because we have
naturally, as far as I can tell,on a human basis, been
(38:02):
developing narratives just likethis narrative about the ego,
that seemed to become how it iswhen it's a completely
contrived, constructed,manufactured effect that we've
created as a result of acomplete change of a word's
meaning to serve the interest ofmaking it look normal when in
(38:23):
fact it's abnormal and sick.
What's real right now isreality.
What's always real right now istruth.
What's always here is love.
What's always here is completeand whole without any, any, any
interference.
Perfectly still, perfectly quietbecause it does not change.
(38:46):
It's my thoughts that change, mymentality that changes.
That's where the struggle comesfrom.
And it's not my changingthinking, it's how I think about
my thinking.
It's how I think about thatbecoming myself.
It's how I think about others,how I think about my relations,
how I think about life, how Ithink about truth, all those
things.
That's where the problembecomes.
(39:06):
It's not an inherent problem,it's a mistaken problem by the
choices we make to make believethat those conclusions we have
about things are the way thingsare, rather than simply how we
think of them.
To think of them honestly is tofeel no attachment to them
whatsoever.
To think about them dishonestlyis to feel as though we are had
by them, which is the wholeconcept of they're happening to
(39:28):
us, not by us.
Anyway, I give you my lovebecause you have it.
And it's already intact.
And it isn't mine, it's ours.
And I don't share these thingsbecause I want to tell you
anything.
I simply want to share myexperience and give you a chance
to notice that you can alsoapply it in whatever way seems
sensible to you.
(39:49):
And if conflict comes back incondemnation, it isn't making
the kind of sense I know youknow you can make.
But it's a chance to notice thatthose things are absolutely.
Guideposts and signs and alarmsand bells and whistles telling
us whether or not we're doingthe right thing in the moment.
Because the right thing isactually the truthful thing, the
(40:11):
honest thing about reality,about truth, and the abundance
we have, and the abundance weshare, and the absolute state of
being that we already are.
SPEAKER_00 (40:21):
With love, see you next time, invisibly.
Good day, everyone, everywhere.
I am uh going to talk today alittle about the ego and the
concept of the ego.
And I am doing this as aprelude, precursor per se, to
the discussion about this firststep.
And the reason I want to do thisis because it shows or begins to
(00:30):
show the flexibility that wordshave in terms of their use.
And so to think of things asthough they're static, meaning
still, like the word ego, is tomake believe that how we think
of it today is the way it'salways been and the way it
always is.
And the point of that is to showthat the transition that AA
(00:52):
followed came out of a newthought movement starting in the
1800s.
And I'm going to do a talk onthat, a little more elaborate
talk on that, because all ofthose periods of time, there
were new understanding of howthings actually were, that were
really an undoing of ideas thathad been held to be true that
(01:14):
were not true.
And historically, and normallyin the present, not referring to
the past, but the present, ideasthat aren't true utilized create
dysfunctional effects.
That means they're not worthy.
They're not worthwhile, they'renot valuable, they're not
useful, they're not beneficial.
(01:35):
They're none of the things thatwe are capable of doing, except
that by doing those things, weare capable of noticing
something must be wrong to becreating those effects.
So when it comes to mentallyobsessive thinking, what's
important is to notice it issomething we are doing with our
(01:56):
thinking that is untrue, that weare thinking is true, and as a
result, have to keep thinkingabout it because its only basis
is in thought about it's inthinking about thinking.
It's not thinking that's theproblem here.
The basis of our thinking, thebasis of our body, the basis of
the world, the basis of theuniverse is based in reality and
(02:17):
truth.
All of us in the same way.
Everyone and everything, allthat are and all that is, are
based in an essence of realityand truth.
These aren't optional.
They're not things that we canhang on to or get to, they're
things that we already are.
And we can confuse our thinkingfor reality and for truth,
(02:38):
especially when we startthinking about things.
We have this contemplativeadvantage that allows us to do
that, to think about things, toconsider things.
But it's inconsiderate to makebelieve those things we consider
become what we think of them andonly what we think of them.
Because to any degree we thinkof something as being less than
(02:58):
it actually is, we're notthinking of it at all.
We're thinking only what we'rethinking of it.
And this is the beginning ofself-centered thinking, as the
book describes it.
So the first step is very muchabout self-centered thinking,
the idea that what we think istrue is true rather than truth
is true, and it is the platformand the basis for our thinking.
(03:21):
So another point that's worthnoting the psychic shift that
seems to be critical to anexperience sufficient to begin
to operate on a basis that iscompletely thought to be
impossible to the person withinthe context of obsessive
(03:45):
thinking or about acting incompulsive ways, is simply
coming to terms.
A moment of clarity is actuallystarting to see things clearly.
The psychic change is changingour psychology, meaning our
mentality, starting to functionon a basis of being willing to
look at things as they arerather than as we thought them
to be.
So I'm going to talk about thatin relation to the ego.
(04:06):
And you can see the transitionin this same word being used in
very, very different ways.
And today it's still used thatway, which is a major failing in
our ability to actually reckonwith it because we've turned it
into something it was not and isnot, and act as though it is.
And as a result, we're operatingon a basis that isn't true.
(04:26):
So it becomes very difficult toundo something that doesn't
exist that we make believe istrue and real.
So the basic root of the idea,the word ego in Latin means I.
So you and I are eyes.
We're I am.
Basis of our thinking.
I am the thinker, I have a body,I have a brain in that body,
(04:51):
that that brain thinks.
Doesn't mean that's all that Iam, it means it's something I
have.
So I have a body, I have abrain, I have thoughts.
And for 2,000 years, since Greekand Latin were the dominant
languages, that's what that wordmeant.
(05:13):
There was no implication of afalse self whatsoever, a
delusion, distortion, none ofit.
So I am the source of thethinking I'm doing.
I am the source of the feelingsI'm having.
I am responsible for thebehaviors and the actions I take
based on those thoughts andfeelings.
I am, I am, I am.
In the Bible, they talk aboutthe great I am being God.
(05:36):
Well, we're rooted in thatdivinity.
That natural reality and truthis rooted in the reality and
truth of an absolute infinitesource, whatever that might mean
or whatever that might be.
So come the 1890s, and this isafter the New Thought Movement
started, by the way, wherepreachers, pastors, whatever
(05:59):
they were called, began to cometo terms with the idea that we
each had a sense of divinity inus, that we each shared that,
that it was natural for us.
David Thoreau, Ralph WaldoEmerson all wrote about it in
the early 1800s.
They started writing more aboutit in the mid-1800s, etc.
But in terms of the transitionof the ego becoming something we
(06:21):
think is real, started toformalize with Freud dividing it
into the id and the ego and thesuperego, meaning that he was
beginning to break apart theparts of this context that we
were thinking about.
So he called it the part of themind that mediates between
instinct, morality, and reality.
(06:41):
And it was not originally afalse self, it was simply the
psychological manager ofexperience.
That's how he saw it.
Yet he began to describe it asdefensive, deceptive, and prone
to distortion.
And that opened the door to thefalse self concept or
interpretation.
So now you're talking 1900 to hestarted it in the 1890s, but
(07:07):
this went on from 1900 to 1940,where the ego became a
psychological structure, not theI am.
That's the key element here.
So early spiritual spiritualpsychology, 1930 to 1970,
writers of New Thought, JungianCircles, A.A.
and early spiritual writers likeEmmett Fox, Carl Jung, Thomas
(07:32):
Merton, Aldous Huxley begandescribing ego as the self you
think you are, not the self youare.
The illusion of separateness,the imagined identity, the mass
consciousness constructs.
So alongside Freud talking aboutit as being this thing that we
have and that we are until westart seeing it at that point
(07:56):
with Freud, it was seen as ouridentity, who we are.
These gentlemen are beginning tolook at it.
It's the false self.
So now all of a sudden it'slooked at as false identity,
delusion, misperception,self-will, mental obsession.
Totally lines up with AA, thebook being written between 1935
(08:20):
and 1940.
Bill calls it selfishness,self-centeredness.
That we think is the root of ourproblem.
This was an ego descriptionwithout using the word.
And yet, Bill used egotistical,egocentric, egoism, selfish,
dishonest, etc.
(08:42):
Eastern influence in this regardhit mainstream Western
psychology and began to becomeassimilated from the sixties on.
Alan Watts came from Britain,PhD, understood Eastern
philosophy, Buddhism, and allthat, started talking about it
openly.
SPEAKER_00 (09:01):
So in the Vendadas, we are the eye maker.
SPEAKER_01 (09:12):
Which is if we're the maker of the eye, that's the
false self.
In Buddhism, there's no fixedself.
In Zen, Ego's illusion, KrishnaBurdy, Ram Das, Course in
Miracles, how cartol, alltalking about this.
So the Rego's now ego is nowrecast from the 60s and into the
(09:34):
70s.
Course of Miracles was writtenin the 70s.
Ram Das spoke till probably 15years ago or 20 years ago.
The imagined self that obscuresawareness.
Now egos become the constructedidentity, the story of me, the
psychological mask, the thinkerwho believes in thoughts.
(09:55):
Its thoughts are reality, thesubjective prison, the
hallucinated sense ofseparateness.
It's not the literal meaning,it's just a conceptual
repurposing in the in the use ofthe word.
So it's slowly transitioning.
(10:15):
Psychology uses the words ego asFreud did, structure.
There's something there.
Spirituality uses it as a saysit as a false false self, the
illusion.
Meaning there's nothing there.
It's just an image.
And the image is there, but itisn't real.
(10:36):
It's just based in a thought.
Common speech uses ego asarrogance and inflation and so
forth.
So ideas like ego got the bestof me.
All my grandiose ideas are my myego.
Think of it as somethingseparate from me.
It's mine, but it isn't me.
(10:58):
It's my ego.
My ego's out of control, we say.
To think this is to think it hasa life of its own, just like we
think our thoughts have a lifeof their own when we think they
can attack us and subject us tothem rather than see that we are
(11:21):
the subject creating them.
We are the one imagining them.
The internal, the mentalobsession is the internal debate
over creating an idea and makingbelieve it's true, so we become
the cause of the effect thatfeels disconnected, alone,
separate from, apart from, etc.
It's all induced by the thinkingwe're doing and choosing freely.
(11:45):
If we're choosing freely to feelcondemned, there's obviously a
bit of a break there that doesnot align with instinct that
would act in our favor of healthand nature and function and
honesty.
(12:05):
And honesty does not require webe right.
It does not require that wethink we're telling the truth.
It's simply an honest appraisalof what's happening as it's
happening.
What I'm thinking is what I'mthinking, right or wrong.
If I can begin to address that,even in my own internal
experience, it becomes a loteasier to talk about as
(12:26):
something I'm simply doingrather than something I think I
am.
When I think my thoughts arereality, I think I become my
thoughts, I think I'm in mythoughts, I think I'm stuck in
my head.
All of those concepts start todevelop because they're
narrative stories, trying togive form to the illusion that
we're creating.
(12:49):
So the I is the nature of thebeing nature that we share.
The I am thinking to myself.
Well, who am I thinking to?
I'm really thinking about mythinking.
(13:10):
And because I can think about mythinking itself, I've determined
that is myself.
It isn't.
That is what I am doing.
To think about it that way isirresponsible.
To think about it as something Iam doing is responsible.
Because that's what I'm doing isthinking about my thinking
itself.
So to think about thinking, I amtalking to myself means I'm
(13:36):
talking to my thoughts.
I am thinking to myself meansI'm thinking about my thoughts.
I am only thinking of myselfmeans I'm in an obsessive
thought process that just goesround and round and round and
round.
And the nature of a lie is thatit only happens in the brain.
(13:57):
And the nature of a lie requiresthat I think that a wrong
thought or some thought isreality, is true, is something
that it isn't.
It's the whole basis of a lie: that false is true and true is (14:05):
undefined
false.
So it only lives or seemed tolive in my thinking.
But it really has no life of itsown.
It has no life whatsoever,except for the thinking I do
about it that continues to giveme the impression that it is
going on rather than I amcontinuing to maintain it,
(14:26):
period.
So what do we say?
I need more self-confidence, Ineed more self-awareness, I am
self-absorbed, I am selfish, Iam self-reliant, I am
self-abusive, I need moreself-help.
We're trying to fix the selffrom the thinking about it as
(14:46):
though it's real and wonderingwhy we can't seem to get that
job done.
This is the ultimatepowerlessness of the first step,
powerlessness of the first step.
It's about mentality, not thedrink, not the compulsion.
Those are all byproducts thatare giving us perspective on
something we're doing.
So the reason I wanted to dothis today, and I'm going to do
(15:08):
some of these in shorter formsso that you can sit with some of
these thoughts and maybere-listen to them because they
won't be as lengthy as some ofthe hour and hour and a half
conversations we've had.
And early on in this wholeepisodic venture of talking
about the mental obsessionopenly, when we originally had
our discussions, uh, one of themlasted almost five hours before
(15:30):
anybody even realized that wehad been talking for five hours.
Because time begins to evaporatewhen you begin to consider
things in absolute terms,because there isn't any time or
space in absolute terms.
They're absolute.
That's the nature of our nature.
There's freedom, absolutefreedom.
So having the absolute freedomto think whatever we want, if we
(15:51):
think things that seem tocondemn us, obviously, again,
that is probably not the bestutilization of our thinking.
And there may be some mistakenthinking within that context.
And I would say there always is.
But it's not my words that aregoing to make any difference to
you.
It's you beginning to noticethat you have an experience and
it is yours, and you havethoughts and they are yours, and
(16:14):
you have feelings and they areyours, and you use words and
they are yours, and you dobehave and they are your
behaviors, they are yourchoices, and nobody can impact
you more than you can beimpacted by the choices you
make.
Because if you think anybodyelse is close enough to you to
hurt you, short of violence,because obviously if somebody's
(16:34):
violent towards you, there's animpact.
But when it comes to thinking,when I think I'm in my thinking,
and everyone, anyone else has acontrary thought, I feel my life
is threatened by their contrarythought.
That has nothing to do withthem.
I'm using them to excuse whatI'm doing in my own thinking.
And the struggle I'm having isnot with them, it's with the
(16:57):
thought I have about them.
So the problem is not thought,it's believing the thinker is
the self.
We can absolutely freely thinkabout our thinking.
It's one of the contemplativeadvantages that humans have.
We were given that for goodpurpose.
(17:19):
The book even says on page 53while there's a very there's a
huge conversation about the factthat we have no control, we have
no power.
Let me read this.
Logic is great stuff, we likedit, we still like it.
It is not by chance we weregiven the power to reason, to
examine the evidence of oursenses and to draw conclusions.
(17:42):
That is one of man's magnificentattributes.
In the big books.
So we have power.
We just don't have power whenwe're thinking insane thoughts.
There is no power.
So that's a little bit of awindow into the first step.
But this idea about ego to showthat words can be words that
(18:06):
mean one thing, it still means Iin Latin, it still means I in
Greek.
Sum is the word.
That's the word, S-U-M.
I believe, I think that's right.
Cogito ergo sum is I think,therefore I am.
And the fact is, I am, thereforeI think.
(18:28):
Descartes was looking at thatcontext to begin to notice that
we had calculable ways to beginto understand whether our
understanding was right orwrong, scientific ways.
And what's science mean?
Knowledge.
That ways we could know, ways wecould develop knowing, our human
experience is profoundly able todeal with the issues at hand,
(18:53):
that is profoundly disabled bythinking about things that
aren't true as though they'retrue.
It isn't an accident, it is nota coincidence, is a it is a
coincidence because of theimmediacy of consequence and
effect to any cause.
If we are at the center of thatcause, we are at the center of
(19:16):
the problem.
And the effect, if you don'tthink you're doing this, look at
the effects of your life.
I have many, many people say tome, I know I'm not my thoughts,
and then from that point onstart to describe experiences
they're having that would beidentical to someone who thinks
they are their thoughts.
So we can make believe as humansthat we aren't doing what we're
(19:40):
doing while we're doing thatthing we say we're not doing.
That's how deceptive we arecapable of being.
And Boyd sort of nailed it.
He began to describe this thingthat he had isolated as an ego
as just a structure ofdefensive, deceptive, and prone
to distortion.
What's the Distortion, not anaccurate assessment of things.
(20:02):
Bill says in the big book, wesuffer from a lack of
proportion.
What does that mean?
We turn nothing into everythingand everything into nothing.
What does that mean?
At the core of our thinking, wethink we're God to make believe
that we're the creators ofreality.
And as a result, we becomeoffended by anybody who doesn't
think like us.
And then we try to manage thatproblem by becoming desensitized
(20:25):
to it, numb to it, denying it.
So the point of today's talk,again, is to show that this
transition is wholly happeningwithin the mentality of
justification andrationalization of who we think
we are, that we aren't.
(20:47):
If I live on that basis, if themost fundamental thinking I'm
doing about life, reality, andtruth is wrong, then I am
thinking insanely, and all thesubsequent thoughts I think I'm
going to use to fix it are basedon that same sick thought.
We say that our secrets kill us.
(21:10):
We're only as sick as oursecrets.
Well, this is the big secret,because this is the source of
the disease of addiction.
The idea that we can maintainlies and turn them into truth.
If they could be turned intotruth, they wouldn't be lies.
They would just be somethingthat hasn't happened yet because
we haven't figured out what thesteps are, like Orville and
(21:31):
Wilbur developing the wing for aplane.
They knew it could happenbecause they saw it in nature.
They saw wings being used.
They knew a wing could bedeveloped.
So their failure wasn't failure,it was a step in the direction
of success.
Their failure gave them a clearindication: don't do this again,
(21:51):
but try this, try that, try theother thing.
Exactly what Descartes wastalking about in terms of his
scientific method, beginning touse the process of elimination
and logic.
That I'm going to suggest to yousitting there.
The book talks about we will nolonger be baffled, we'll
intuitively know how to handlesituations that used to baffle
(22:12):
us.
Intuition is the nature ofinspiration and wisdom.
Because it's defined asknowledge beyond reason, meaning
there's no thinking involved atall.
There's no understandinginvolved as a result.
There's no reason for it,literally no reason for it.
There's no logic in it.
And why do we know we know?
We just know we know.
And if you listen to people andlisten to your own experience,
(22:34):
you all often say that.
Why do you know?
I just know I know.
You have that intense, that thatintuition and the intensity of
that awareness.
You already have it now.
Always have, always will.
It isn't somewhere else.
So the steps in each case untilthe 12th step are giving us
(22:58):
ideas.
Actually, 10, 11, and 12 aregiving us ideas that begin to
undo the idea the only thing wecan do is redo the thing we've
always been doing that haschronically been causing a
disturbance that is very, veryuncomfortable and very
impossible to live with on along-term basis, which is why
(23:20):
suicide and addiction.
Addiction is suicide in a slowerform.
Suicide is a more intentionalelimination of the body that
thinks, rather than simplylooking at the thinking that's
causing the problem that givesus the impression the only thing
we can do is kill ourselves, bythe way.
We're not killing the eye, we'rekilling ourselves, this idea we
(23:43):
have about ourselves.
So there's an old adage that ifyou're thinking about suicide,
you're killing the wrong self,the wrong person, because it's
the idea we're having about it.
There is no the real self, thecapital self, is the eye that we
all share.
If it's a source of nature andnature is natural, it's our
(24:04):
nature.
It isn't an exception, it isn'tan option, it isn't a
negotiation, it isn't a choice.
It's just the state of ourbeing.
Now, always.
If I'm thinking in honest termsabout what's happening, I'm
starting to think about thingsdisturbing as disturbing rather
than things I should feel betterabout and get over.
(24:24):
Starting to notice that my bodylanguage is giving me very
explicit instructions as to howto grow, how to develop, how to
be more beneficial, how to bemore generous, because that's
the nature of that infinitesource, love.
That means generosity,abundance, unlimited support.
(24:48):
If I think I'm looking for loveall the time and don't admit I
have it, I'm not, I'm denying Ihave it.
If I think I'm looking for God,I don't deny God exists.
How could God be missing when somuch of my own thinking is
screwed up and I'm sure thatit's God missing and I need to
see God?
(25:10):
So that little few more thingson my list here.
I'll mention ego is never meantto represent a false self, it's
developed in that direction sowe could justify an excuse for
it not being us.
I don't have anything to do withit.
(25:30):
It's my ego.
Oh, my ego got the best of me.
Think about that.
It's another way of trying to beirresponsible for what we're
doing.
If there are any absolutestates, and reality is an
absolute state of reality, andtruth is an absolute state of
truth, and they're probably thesame thing because there's no
division in an unseparable,indivisible, immutable,
inviolable, absolute state ofbeing, then I can't be a false
(26:00):
self, but I can think I ambecause I have the absolute
freedom to do that.
And if that absolute source isresponsible for everything, then
responsibility is an absolutenature of our existence.
So I can think irresponsibly,but responsibility I can't shake
(26:21):
because I am responsible bynature.
We are responsible as nature.
Nature is responsible fornature, period.
What is responsibility?
It's ability to respond.
What's an allergy?
Abnormal reaction.
What do we do?
More and more and more of thething to try to stop it.
But not in all respects, withall allergies.
People with peanut allergies donot eat peanuts addictively.
(26:45):
Difference is we get a hit ofsatisfaction by taking a drink,
by using a drug, by makingbelieve that our thoughts are
true and real, we get aninternal hit of dopamine and
serotonin, whatever thefeel-good drugs are in our
chemical body.
We are actually manipulating,even in sobriety, to feel better
(27:07):
for a minute, to think I can getover it and leave it behind.
And by denying it and pretendingit's not there, I'm going to get
better and I'm going to thinkpositively.
The whole structure of matter,including our bodies and the
planets and the universe, isbased on positive and negative
energy.
If the negative energy isremoved from an atom, there is
no matter in an atom at all.
So not only would there be nomatter in the universe, there
(27:29):
would be no bodies in theuniverse, and nothing would
matter to us whatsoever.
The fact that it matterssuggests that balance, positive
and negative, is an inherentpart of reality.
And if we are a byproduct ofreality, a product of reality,
then that is our reality.
And to think in terms that defythat, or to think in terms that
(27:53):
don't have any basis other thanour own thinking.
And we're each free to do that.
Each one of us.
And to think someone elseshouldn't be doing what they're
doing or thinking what they'rethinking is to not really
understand that they'reabsolutely free to do it.
Right or wrong, they'reabsolutely free to do it.
And the only chance, just likefor any of us, getting sober is
(28:15):
to come to terms with the factthat we identify with the
problem as being a problem thatwe are having.
And when it comes to mentalissues, if I'm having it and I'm
free to choose what I'mthinking, I am the responsible
party for the thinking I'm doingand the impacts and the effects.
If you don't think you're doingthis, look at the effects you're
(28:38):
having.
Look at the way you think ofother people.
Look at the way you've thoughtof other people who you
eventually have a shift with inyour thinking and don't think of
them the way you did when youthought they were despicable and
hateful and spiteful.
And all of a sudden you find outthere's actually more than that.
Within any limited realm,there's always more to consider.
(28:59):
There's always more to know.
There's always room to grow.
Always.
So to begin to exercise thatflexibility is to begin to be
yogic mentally, start toactually notice we are flexible.
We are not stiff, we are notstuck, we are not absolutely
failures in any respect.
Our thinking can fail, and wecan consistently have it fail if
(29:23):
we consistently use a failedapproach to our thinking that is
mistaken.
So those thoughts we're having,we thought became our identity.
So if we're starting to identifywith the disease, we're starting
to admit that we're not thethinking, that we're creating
that imagery.
(29:44):
And that imagery is disturbingfor us when we witness it
because we know that it'skilling us.
We know that it is causinganxiety and stress and pressure
in our body, that it'sundermined.
We don't have to know all thosefacts to have that feeling of
doom.
And what we're feeling is athought that's doomed, not
reality, not truth.
We're feeling the possibilitythought gives us to recognize
(30:05):
disturbances as evidence of ourgreater awareness.
The problem is not thought.
The problem is making believeall we are is what we think.
So it's thinking about, it'sit's the what and how we think,
what we think about, how wethink about our thinking, what
(30:27):
we think about our thinking.
That's where the problem is.
It's not in the thinking.
Which is evidenced by anybodywho has a psychic change and
starts thinking honestly aboutwhat they're doing and starts
noticing the freedom that comeswith it and the wisdom that
comes with it, and the abilityto make choices that previously
seemed impossible, exactly asthe book says.
We start doing and feelingthings that we didn't think were
(30:48):
possible prior.
Well, sir, sure, we're operatingon an impossible basis.
What are we going to try to do?
Everything impossible.
Because we're trying to provethe lie is true.
Never can be done.
Impossible.
It's really the defeat, thefailure of this first step.
And we'll get there eventually.
I wanted to talk about thisbecause I want you to begin to
(31:10):
consider if you're willing andinterested.
This whole concept of ego issomething that has taken an
illusion, something you couldsee through if you looked at it,
and turned it into a bunch ofwords that give it a narrative
that makes it seem real becausewe've created a story around it
that has all of these opinionsabout it as though it's
operating against us.
It's exactly what happens when Ithink I don't, when I think I
(31:33):
have nothing to do with what'shappening, I immediately think
that what's happening ishappening to me rather than
something caused by me.
And each of us, each of us,every one of us interprets
what's happening in our ownthoughts.
So my words will never besufficient without your words,
ever.
(31:53):
And to give you that respect isto start to dignify the state of
our human experience in waysthat allow us to begin to
actually look at what we'redoing and notice that our body
is giving us perfect answers inhow we feel.
If I feel depressed, I'mthinking something that is
(32:14):
weighty because there's aconflict.
If I feel bad, I'm thinkingsomething bad about something.
I don't even need to knowanything, I don't need to know
the thought to understand theeffect.
And one of the ways to get lostin all this is to start thinking
you're going to start digginginto a past and uncover.
There is no past that isn'tpresent.
The present is the accumulationof everything that's ever
(32:36):
happened and it's happeningright now.
All the effects that have everbeen created are the sum total
of the moment.
So if the if the sum total ofeverything that's ever happened
in our experience is here now,this is where it's resolved.
It's resolved by reckoning withthe feelings you're having about
(32:56):
the thoughts you're creating andmaintaining.
And the other element to thisthat we'll get into later is
that most of what we'resuffering from are the thoughts
that we don't think we'rehaving.
Now go back to Freud.
What has he said?
Deceptive, prone to distortion.
We can be deceptive, we can makebelieve we're not thinking what
we're thinking and doing whatwe're doing, and end up thinking
(33:18):
there's nothing we can do aboutit.
That's the arc of addiction.
I have nothing to do with it,there's nothing I can do about
it, I can only continue to dowhat I'm doing and feel
justified.
The Trinity of mental health isresponsibility, freedom, and
choice, meaning we areabsolutely responsible, which
(33:38):
means we have the ability torespond to what's happening.
And that means, like nature, inline with what's happening
rather than what we think ishappening and how we think it's
happening.
And absolute freedom alwayscomes with responsibility
because if you act responsibly,there's freedom.
If you act irresponsibly, youfeel condemned.
(34:01):
So, choice as a principle inthis regard, as a principle of
mental health for humans, we'realways making choices.
We always have wants, we alwayshave desires.
If I think my thoughts are real,I think those become desires all
of a sudden become my needs.
So now instead of instinctivelyrelying on my body to guide my
(34:23):
needs, to guide my need to need,air, good food, warmth, all
those things that I would do tomaintain my survival, I've
created my own instinctive needaround this idea that my wants
have become my needs.
And all of a sudden I'm inconflict all over again because
now I have to have things.
So when I don't have what Ihave, I think I have to have
(34:45):
things.
That's textbook addiction.
I have to have it, I have tohave it, I have to have it, I
have to have it, I can't dowithout it.
Well, I've been doing without itlong enough not to have it.
Certainly that's some evidence,but yet I've always had the
thing I have, which is anabsolute nature grounded in
reality, founded in reality,sourced in reality, sourced in
truth, sourced in love.
(35:07):
So I can't not have that, but Ican think I can because I can be
thinking, my thinking can bedefensive and deceptive.
And any lie that I'm maintainingis a defensive form of thought.
So it's highly reactive, highlydefensive, hyper-defensive, and
hyper-reactive.
And that's the precursor toimpulsivity and compulsivity.
(35:30):
So I'm going to leave you onthat basis.
If you notice any of this andstart to ponder any of this and
want to talk about any of this,I am always available, as are
other people within my immediatesphere, who have dealt with this
for a while.
But you also, I know love andcare for other people and may
(35:52):
not be having conversations withthem.
My experience is that if I'mthinking obsessive thoughts, I'm
only thinking I'm hearing what Ithink is being said, and I'm
only thinking I'm seeing what Ithink is being seen.
So I'm not hearing and seeingwhat's happening.
And if you ever notice inconversations, it's very often
you presume that you've made apoint, you presume that you've
made yourself clear, and thenthe interpretation of what
(36:14):
people turn it into iscompletely something else.
And seems baffling that theycould do that.
But it's exactly what I do whenI'm thinking about things in
these seeming self-centeredways.
It's worth noting if what we'redoing is a delusion, it really
doesn't exist except for thethinking I'm doing about it.
So I'm always restarting it tobe suffering from it.
(36:38):
It isn't there without myinvolvement, my choice.
If you have a friend and want todiscuss this, you can always
have them listen to this so thatyou have a basis for the
discussion and start to expandit.
(36:58):
My experience in sobriety isthat when I begin to apply the
principles, which is exactlywhat the 12th step asks me to
do, in all my affairs, I startseeing that all my affairs,
principles have always appliedto all of my affairs.
It's not something new.
It's always been that way, andI've been delusionally thinking
I was separate and apart fromthat, which is why I felt alone
and disowned and not belongingand all those other kinds of
(37:20):
byproducts that come out of thatthinking.
I was feeling my thoughts, notreality.
But when I thought they werereality, I thought that's who I
was, what I am, all I am,worthless, useless, unable, etc.
Unlovable, unwantable.
So what do I need?
People to want me.
What do I do?
Appear in every way I can toappease them.
People please.
(37:41):
I'm not honest, I'm completelydeceptive, manipulative.
So that's a breath.
If you want to talk about it,people are available.
If you do talk about it, you'llsee how things apply and also
see that it's not always easy totalk about because we have
naturally, as far as I can tell,on a human basis, been
(38:02):
developing narratives just likethis narrative about the ego,
that seemed to become how it iswhen it's a completely
contrived, constructed,manufactured effect that we've
created as a result of acomplete change of a word's
meaning to serve the interest ofmaking it look normal when in
(38:23):
fact it's abnormal and sick.
What's real right now isreality.
What's always real right now istruth.
What's always here is love.
What's always here is completeand whole without any, any, any
interference.
Perfectly still, perfectly quietbecause it does not change.
(38:46):
It's my thoughts that change, mymentality that changes.
That's where the struggle comesfrom.
And it's not my changingthinking, it's how I think about
my thinking.
It's how I think about thatbecoming myself.
It's how I think about others,how I think about my relations,
how I think about life, how Ithink about truth, all those
things.
That's where the problembecomes.
(39:06):
It's not an inherent problem,it's a mistaken problem by the
choices we make to make believethat those conclusions we have
about things are the way thingsare, rather than simply how we
think of them.
To think of them honestly is tofeel no attachment to them
whatsoever.
To think about them dishonestlyis to feel as though we are had
by them, which is the wholeconcept of they're happening to
(39:28):
us, not by us.
Anyway, I give you my lovebecause you have it.
And it's already intact.
And it isn't mine, it's ours.
And I don't share these thingsbecause I want to tell you
anything.
I simply want to share myexperience and give you a chance
to notice that you can alsoapply it in whatever way seems
sensible to you.
(39:49):
And if conflict comes back incondemnation, it isn't making
the kind of sense I know youknow you can make.
But it's a chance to notice thatthose things are absolutely.
Guideposts and signs and alarmsand bells and whistles telling
us whether or not we're doingthe right thing in the moment.
Because the right thing isactually the truthful thing, the
(40:11):
honest thing about reality,about truth, and the abundance
we have, and the abundance weshare, and the absolute state of
being that we already are.
SPEAKER_00 (40:21):
With love, see you next time, invisibly.
Popular Podcasts
Betrayal Weekly
Betrayal Weekly is back for a new season. Every Thursday, Betrayal Weekly shares first-hand accounts of broken trust, shocking deceptions, and the trail of destruction they leave behind. Hosted by Andrea Gunning, this weekly ongoing series digs into real-life stories of betrayal and the aftermath. From stories of double lives to dark discoveries, these are cautionary tales and accounts of resilience against all odds. From the producers of the critically acclaimed Betrayal series, Betrayal Weekly drops new episodes every Thursday. If you would like to share your story, you can reach out to the Betrayal Team by emailing them at betrayalpod@gmail.com and follow us on Instagram at @betrayalpod and @glasspodcasts. Please join our Substack for additional exclusive content, curated book recommendations, and community discussions. Sign up FREE by clicking this link Beyond Betrayal Substack. Join our community dedicated to truth, resilience, and healing. Your voice matters! Be a part of our Betrayal journey on Substack.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com