Dating Drama, Teen Hygiene & Autism Tips | MADHD Ep 30 |

Two friends tackle dating jealousy, impossible teenagers, and the reality of parenting neurodivergent kids. This episode delivers unfiltered advice on relationships that feel one-sided, teens who refuse basic hygiene, and practical strategies for raising autistic children.

Real problems, real solutions:

[00:09:15] College girlfriend jealousy - when she talks to other guys

[00:19:30] Teen hygiene battles - effective strategies that actually work

[00:44:15] Charging your teen rent for property damage (controversial take)

[00:54:30] Parenting autistic children - what really helps vs. what doesn't

[01:02:45] ADHD vs. autism diagnosis confusion in adults

[01:09:15] Marriage communication - PlayStation vs. quality time debate

Key insights: Stop romanticizing relationships that aren't mutual, find the right type of partner for your personality, and use specific techniques (like songs) to connect with autistic children.

Plus: the controversial catfish-your-own-son hygiene solution.

Mike and Dylan bring their signature mix of terrible first takes and surprisingly solid final advice to help you navigate life's messiest situations.

You listen to the more concise podcast "2 Daddies Judging Baddies" or stick with MADHD for the deep dives and rambling stories they're known for.

Submit your own drama for Mike and Dylan to solve at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://MikeAndDylan.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ or join the conversation on their new subreddit r/MADHD ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.reddit.com/r/MADHD/⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ or leave a voicemail at ‪[phone]‬

About LaborLama

When they're not solving your drama or unpacking generational trauma, Mike and Dylan are behind LaborLama, a clothing brand dedicated to creating comfortable, quality clothes for people who work hard. Unlike those shady print-on-demand companies sending you mismatched shirts that fall apart after one wash, Labor Llama delivers clothing worth your hard-earned money. Check out their quality apparel at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://laborlama.com⁠

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Bear nimble bow down, Mike and Dylan hate drama, but the Bow
Wow Wow, we're rolling guys. Welcome back to another episode
of Mike and Dylan hate hate drama where honestly, me and
Dylan argue now that's going to be our new thing going forward.

(00:20):
Just going into passionate debates and then everybody in
the comments section everywhere is just going to be like, are
you guys going to get a divorce?I like that somebody said they'd
rather watch us give each other their rim jobs and then forgive
each other instead of. Listen, that's, that's just
trying to push us to our new OF content guys.
We did look, I watched the podcast back from the passionate

(00:43):
debate that we had, except for like, I wasn't really passionate
about the subject anymore. And I was just like, the crazy
part too is like every time you say something like my brain has
to reconfigure and I'm just sitting there like trying to
process things, which adds the ADHD into MADHDI mean we have
it's two guys debating over a subject while struggling to stay

(01:08):
on the subject. So I hope someone came away
with, I don't know, some kind offucking.
I think they they probably enjoyed it as entertainment
about you, not necessarily that they're like, Oh yeah, no,
they're good points, guys, good points.
More so, just like that was a fun little debate to watch.
Do people, because a lot of people were like, they were like
worried about us arguing and I'mjust like, don't friends do

(01:31):
that? If we could get the the behind
the scenes footage of us actually like having a real
argument and then like literally5 minutes later it's like, yeah,
I know it's kind of an asshole there.
Oh yeah, we make up, we make up extremely quickly, which adds to
the look, the rim job that maybewe're soul mates, bro, because
me and my wife never do that when she's mad, she stays, she

(01:54):
stays pretty mad. And I like try to, I don't know.
I don't know what it is when a woman gets mad where I'm just
like now I want to be funny and they're just like, that's not
hitting. No, my favorite thing is just be
like, why don't you just calm down?
Which? Yeah, that that works every
time. Opposite effect, anybody that
has a wife knows that it is opposite effect.

(02:14):
So look guys, I think this week there's going to be a third
episode. Just because we were just look,
in the beginning, we could not get people to submit.
Now people are just they're submitting everything.
Well, in it in there, there's one that's a 5 pager and there's
one that's like a 3 1/2 pager. I think like.

(02:37):
Four and a quarter or something like that.
But yeah, it went on to the fifth page.
But I just wanted to say I brought this for Mike because
he's in the hoodie and it's like100° outside and so my daughter
has this cool little Misty fan. Yeah.
So we just. The funny thing about it too, is
when we go outside, I'll be like, well, what the fuck am I
doing? I'll be taking it off outside in
the parking lot because it gets really hot.

(02:59):
So guys, you know, we like to give advice to people.
That's what MADHD is about. It's about helping everybody out
with the daily struggles in life.
And when you have two, what's a what's a good word for us?
Just phenoms, OK, Two absolute Titans of sex appeal and.

(03:21):
Yeah, look at those, look at, look at the little sideburns
that he was. Showing out right now.
I just I just got a haircut. We got to take some thumbnails,
got to start taking this seriously, make a make a trailer
for MADHD and two daddies Judge and Batty so we can really start
getting some of that. Yeah, we're pretty hot take pie,
but we're pretty and Smosh, we're good looking fellows.
So we are. And look, things are going to

(03:41):
get heated sometimes and we're not going to hide that from
y'all because fuck that shit. That then takes work.
We're like oh man, then we just argued.
We should cut that out. This ain't fake though.
I mean it's two guys who are friends.
They have a podcast. Like we, we go through
friendship and I joke with each other.
We fucking argue. And I will cut him off every
time he tries to speak. And I would have to say that we

(04:05):
we do happen to have pretty strong opinions.
I don't know about you, but I think kind of an opinionated
fellow right here and. We need to start a segment
that's like current events because we had the whole Iran,
Israel thing and then they went to a ceasefire, and then short
of ceasefire, everything's just started like punching each other

(04:25):
again. So now America's just like, stop
it. Yeah, when I turned off the news
in 2016, I haven't really turnedit back on.
So I know things are going on. I hear it.
It's just kind of like. Mine cycle.
It's just like, you know, two people are arguing, America
steps in, they stop. And the two other people start
arguing, America steps in, they stop.
I don't know how we need something big to happen.

(04:49):
I like when, like, must not ask for that.
Shocking. Not not like terrible things,
just like, you know, different stuff.
Maybe like a stimulus. I would love to be stimulated
right now. Yeah.
God. I was thinking the aliens coming
would be a good. No, that's not even that's not
even front page news anymore. We're just like up aliens and
then everybody just like we don't give a fuck.

(05:11):
Them aliens going to buy me somegroceries?
No, fuck you, aliens. Well, we watched Pixels the
other day, the Adam Sandler movie, and I was like that.
I mean, yeah, they destroyed a bunch of shit, but like, it was
kind of like a fun little like fight between the two.
Obviously it was going to end inworld annihilation for us if we
didn't win. But like, I was like, yeah,

(05:31):
that's, that'd be cool. About to say something
controversial now. Just going to start an argument.
Adam Sandler does not have a badmovie because he does not make
movies to. He has movies that I do not
enjoy watching that a lot of people don't enjoy watching.
The one where he plays his sister also.
Oh. Yeah, Jack and.
Jill Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he's not like Adam Sandler

(05:53):
knows. He's not making like Oscar Bay.
He's not trying to get any Academy Awards or any of that.
She just tries to make a coherent story.
That's kind of fun. So honestly, like I don't even
look at reviews when I'm going to watch an Adam Sandler movie
because I already know the critics of shit on it because
it's just it's popular to do. It's popular to do.
I just don't went on and actually.
Like his like romantic comedies some of the best just because

(06:15):
they are actually funny. Like it's not just like cheesy
girl style romantic comedies. Like, there's humor in it and
like 51st Dates is like one of my favorite like romantic
comedies. It is really good.
So many like once you start thinking about it, you're like
like what happens when she wakesup like 8 months pregnant?
Well, they did like, yeah, I mean, that's kind of like the

(06:36):
end was like. But she wasn't pregnant.
No, but like there's a new videoevery day.
Like, imagine you're in labor too, and then you just wake up
in the hospital where the day before you were having a
birthday party and now you're inthe hospital having a baby, and
you're just like, what the fuck?And he's like, watch the video.
Watch the video. All right, so we're going to get
into our first piece of advice. You putting notes on here for

(06:59):
Mike? Yeah.
Repeat advice request. 19 year old guy who met a girl at a
party. Sure.
What to do when she goes off to college?
Well, they heard it. I'm not very secretive.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So is this what it's going into?
This is a Part 2 of it. Oh man.
All right, so for the guy that met a girl at a party and then
he wasn't sure whether they should date over the summer,

(07:20):
she's going off to college. So we gave him advice, and now
he's back for more. Yeah.
The the advice was pretty much, you know, go do your own thing,
kind of live your life because she's going to college.
There's going to be, you know, lots of partying and stuff like
that. And it's probably going to be
sucked to be locked down in college.
I'm not going to lie. If I couldn't go to college,
give me a little bit of Dick. Oh God it ruined my college

(07:42):
experience. The little bit of Dick would
ruin the other experience. Yeah, yeah, honestly, a little
bit of Dick would ruin like any situation.
That's what I was thinking. This was like, oh fuck, I broke
my leg. Let's add a little bit of Dick
to it. My no.
My wife was asking me that yesterday about like, you know,
like, would you ever let a guy? And I was like, no.
And she's like, why? And I'm like, I just like,

(08:02):
that's just not something that. Right.
I don't look at yeah, I don't look at Dicks.
And I'm like, man, that's a, that's a good looking thing
right now. And.
She's like, but like a lot of girls are like, interested.
And I was like, yeah, there's probably a lot of stuff that
goes behind that, but like. This are bad though but.
For me personally I I just don'tand it's fine.
Like I'm not judging anybody that finds Dicks attractive.
I just personally don't and I doesn't matter how attractive

(08:23):
the guy is, if he's like, can I suck it?
No, no. Yeah, the the answer is no.
Yeah, because there's no like people would be like, well, just
imagine it's something. I can't.
No, I can't. There's a beer tickle in my nut
sack. I'm here right now because like
I did have a friend that like hewould try every time we were
drinking a party and he'd be like, you know, I could do it
better than a woman can. And I was like, I bet you can
like I, I fully believe in your abilities.

(08:45):
I don't you ain't got prove noneto me.
Look, I I'm, I'm one of those type of friends.
I just, I just go ahead and you know I believe in you already.
You ain't got to show me anything.
I will now. I will fucking.
I will push the boundaries with a friend where he's like, guy is
my guy, right? Like we're having a he's like,
yeah, you know, he's making gay jokes back.
And then at a certain point he'sjust like, I'm kind of nervous,

(09:07):
man, like. Is this about to happen like?
He's like, no, what are we talking about?
All right, so dear Mike and Dylan.
OK so I sent you guys one yesterday but now I have more.
How do I not become jealous about a chick who is not my
girlfriend? This girl has told me many many
times that she likes me and wants something with me but also
doesn't want to date. Whatever.

(09:28):
Not my ideal situation but I like her too so I'll take what I
can get. It's not like this happens a lot
haha. My new problem is I found out
she's been texting my best friend's older brother behind
you. I met this girl through my best
friend. So it's also weird that she's
trying to go after her brother. If she is, and I don't know
that's in parentheses. Listen brother, she's 4th

(09:49):
streets, man look, they the first one you didn't have to
know. You didn't have to tell me she
was, you know, promiscuous, but she's in town and she's, you
know, trying to hook up with somebody and telling you she
doesn't want to. So she's, she's doing her thing,
brother, so and. I don't see there's no problem
as young people, whatever you want to do, like that's her

(10:10):
prerogative, but like you're nottogether like so she like have
you guys hooked up? Did you guys like actually do
anything? No, you're just like into her,
right? So.
No, I think they did have sex. I don't think they did.
I think they did. And he's just like.
They got too drunk to have sex and then they were talking.
Afterwards. Oh no, so you didn't even have
sex with her and she's out banging other?
Ah, brother. Well once again, she might not

(10:30):
be banging, she's just talking to some other dude.
So like, I don't know that it's in that pile.
Dude, look. Look at it.
This is the pile of misfit toys right here.
No, no, no. I'm gonna find it.
Watch. It's definitely not going.
To be at first I was afraid. I was petrified.
You're trying to cancel, dude. How's that going to cancel?
That we're going to get demonetized.

(10:51):
Look, it's right. You just skipped 14 pages.
Yeah, because I could see. All right, now I'm not going to
find it. I think they did do it, though.
No, they didn't. Oh well, that's doubly I'm
pretty. Sure, they were just talking and
they really liked each other. She said she liked him and that
they were going to like see how the summer went but they weren't
going to date because she's going off all.
Right, let me finish this beforewe crush them with because, you

(11:15):
know, we got to be honest on here like the person who was
like, you know, dealing with allthe health issues.
People say that I metaphoricallysuplex them with my and I mean,
you know, this is like toughen up buttercup, but we gotta get
through this one. And it would be one thing if she
was talking to other people thatI didn't know and didn't know
about them, but now I do. And I don't even know if she's

(11:38):
like talking to him like that. But I honestly can't think of
another reason for her to be texting them.
They're not friends like that. I can't get that thought out of
my head but like what the hell do I do?
Do I ask her to be exclusive? I feel like we can't cuz we
ain't dating. Do I just pretend?
I have no idea? I've been single since I was
like 1619 now except for my lastsituation ship.

(11:58):
I hate when people make up words.
Look I fucking hate it all right?
Who I fell so hard for and then they strung me along and then
ghosted me. So I'm low key scared this will
happen all over again. Sorry this is so long, needed
somewhere to rant. I love your show.
It gets me through work splicingfibers every day.
Keep it up and make those 911 moon pie shirts.
We will one day when we have money and we can make a whole

(12:21):
bunch of shirts that only buy people buy.
If people start buying labor llama shirts then we will then
have money to then buy new. Shirts, shout out the sponsor
labor llama. All right, work gear for working
men. Use code.
Talk about yes. M ADHD 30 for 30% off currently.
That's right for the for the people on the podcast.
Look, brother, you obviously or a romanticizer, all right?

(12:45):
You are a romanticizer. You are putting more stock in
relationships with people than you should.
I don't think if y'all haven't had sex, if y'all haven't even,
I don't think she even likes your brother and I don't want
to. I don't want it to sound rough,
you know what I'm saying? But she is talking to other
people. She doesn't want to have a
relationship. I mean, you can ask her.

(13:06):
You'd be like, hey, can I squeeze in between the thighs
one time? But I think that would be a
mistake for you because of how much you are romanticizing
things. And I think you're going to lead
yourself to getting hurt. I don't know.
Like, I don't know the proper procedure to, you know, fix
romanticizing things and fallingfor people that you know, aren't

(13:28):
that into you. Besides, if this is like the
route you want to go and you don't want to just be sleeping
around with people, there are women out there who are, you
know, serious and they're not, you know, dating around and
stuff like that. Find one of those girls.
And maybe she's not up to the standard that you hold other
women as far as like beauty and shit.
But look, you know, everybody can't get the baddest bitches.

(13:51):
It's just a it's just a fact of life.
I think you are meeting girls that are kind of outside of your
range for for dating. And then you obviously are
thinking about them probably late at night romanticizing
like, you know, I guess come up with like situations in your
head. And I watch a lot of The Office

(14:12):
and this is what they accused Michael Scott of doing.
And he does do that. So my thing is, is you need to
get into situations where you can find something serious with
someone who wants something serious because the girls that
you are going after now, I don'tthink they are that interested
in you and I don't think the relationships are going, you

(14:32):
know, I don't think they are considered relationships.
I think you are considering themrelationships because you are,
you know, fantasizing a life with them or what not.
And I think you just need to kind of switch up maybe where
you're hanging out at, looking for girls at and you know, try
to get into cuz look, if you're out partying and shit, you're
going to find women who are morepromiscuous.

(14:53):
And if you then switch up your scenery and you're going to, I
don't know if I could church, ifyou go to church, I'm not saying
go to church and find women is agood, good place, but you know,
just find somewhere where ideally the woman is not, you
know, partying and stuff like ifa girl wants to do that, that's
fine. If you don't want your girl to

(15:14):
do that, then you're gonna have to hook up or find women in
different areas of life. Yeah, my advice to anybody with
relationships and it goes like it's hard to figure it out when
you're 1819 cuz you don't know who the fuck you are.
But like really throughout your whole life, the best thing you
can do is EU and figure out who the fuck that is because

(15:37):
ultimately like girls seemed interested and then she's cooled
off. So that probably means that like
you seemed like you were cool, confident, collected and then
you. Switched up and started laying
on the thing and. Being like, oh, I need you, I
need you. And that isn't something that
you can't overcome right now. You are being the needy guy that
like, I'm sorry, but especially young girls, they like in their

(15:59):
20s and they're like going out dating.
They want a guy who's somewhat sure of himself.
Not like, you know, they always say like girls look for
assholes. In a way they kind of do.
But it's more so they look for guys that are confident in who
they are. And so they seek that attention
of somebody who is confident. And not that you have to be a
Dick or anything like that, but you have to start being sure of
yourself right now. You met a girl at a party and

(16:21):
then you probably blew up her phone for the next fucking week.
That doesn't look good for you. And like, so like if she is
talking to the brother, maybe the brother's a little bit older
and like he doesn't actually give a shit whether this girl's
chasing after him or not. He's not falling in love after
day one. And so he might be the more
attractive one to her in this moment.
And I'm not saying like you can't romanticize the girl, but

(16:44):
right now you've probably already made your bed, like your
bed that you're sleeping in right now.
Is she thought you were cute, enjoyed a conversation that
night and then you fucked it up,which is OK but like you're
there's a mill or billions of girls out there.
Like you don't have to focus on this one.
Yes she's cute. You thought it would be fun.
She's going off to college. It probably wouldn't have worked

(17:05):
out anyways. Like move on to the next one and
be confident in yourself. I think that's going forward,
I'm just going to give like a stupid, like just fun.
Just be funny with my advice because yours is so like me.
I keep going like back to the same point because my brain
can't fucking think past Michaelwanting to make a joke.
So I'm just going to be like, I don't know, no Bros try to dude,
like, you know, fucking non advice where because Dylan gives

(17:27):
like the fucking premium advice.Well, I've been through it.
I'm the I'm the free trial. Dylan's the the the premium
subscription that you would pay.Well, and I think honestly, I
think for the podcast sake, the best way to do this is you read
the story. I give my quick take because
it's usually only like 30 seconds of advice to a minute
and then you go back into the crazy hot take and you then you

(17:48):
can talk some shit. And it's not nearly as like
because I'm waiting around for like 5 minutes for you to circle
and circle and circle back. To that point, I fucking, I just
go back to the same thing. And that's with that was with
the fucking advertisement thing.Yeah.
And I'm just like, I watched it out my face, like my face felt
hot. I was a little bit embarrassed.
Look, I was just like, God damn it.
Like I keep saying the same shitover and over again.

(18:10):
But like Dylan said, women, women and guys too, if she is
getting a lot of attention, thennot giving her what she is
getting from everybody else is away to like, you know, break
away from what everybody else isdoing.
There's a reason that people like going after married people.
It's like you won't want you can't have type situation.

(18:33):
So like I said bro, go to like achurch or something somewhere
where you gonna find like a girl?
Well. Or something you like to do that
isn't partying. Like I mean, if you like going
hiking, there's hiking groups and there's people of all ages
in them. Like I mean find any activity.
Thing girls, you have that ass on them too.
Boy, that shit gonna be fucking.That's just going to be fucking
nice and. Sweaty.

(18:53):
After the listen, nobody I like,I don't mind a little bit of
seasoning, brother. I don't mind a little bit of
seasoning. You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, I, like, put a little saltand pimple on it.
All right, so we're going to go to the next one.
The title is the good shit. Dear Mike and Dylan, I'm writing
this just to say hello and that I love your podcast.
I work at Amazon and listen to your podcast all throughout my

(19:15):
shift and it helps me not get angry and punch the customers
that give me crap. You guys are hilarious and when
Mike dies the voice. You guys are hilarious and when
Mike dies the voices. It always makes me giggle.
Oh, must be does the voices. That's what he was talking
about. There we go.
OK, I'm a little bit of a a retard.

(19:36):
Oh. No, they if they wrote dies,
they wrote dies. Well, still, I should have been
able to extrapolate the information.
Yes, Sir. Just do a little bit of
extrapolating and I would have got it.
I would have replied. They don't call me the
centimeter defeater for nothing.Anyways, awesome job.
I really wish I could criticize you guys in something, but I

(19:57):
can't. So sorry to disappoint.
I have spot or I have Spotify. Notify me whenever you guys put
out a new episode. You guys can talk about gay shit
for hours and I'll still listen to it.
Hope you guys make money off this podcast soon.
Me too. Yeah, yes, yeah, my wife too.
Yes, she is a she's like, so whoa.
This is like a passion project, babe.
And I was like, you can't do that.

(20:17):
It's the investment. You.
Gotta see, we gotta put in time right now and then it'll I work.
Things I need you to just like just like explain it to a yes
investment, not passion projectsshe's like you son you're 32
like you there's no more time for passion.
I hope you guys make many more episodes and have a great day.
Love you. I love you too.
Fucking you gotta. I think you skipped over a

(20:38):
little sentence in there when hewas when, remember we did that
one about the little penis guy and he was saying he's the
centimeter defeater. If I was working with you and
Mike came up to me saying how long is it?
Yeah, OK, there it was when I got fired.
Yeah, that thing long. And that's what I said, that
thing long. And it was a little barbershop
thing. Got fired for that, for sexual
harassment. Yeah.

(20:59):
So again, when HR worded it backto me, she was like, you were
asking how long his and I whoa, cuz he threw some shit in there.
Like he made it kind of more gaybecause she was like how big his
black penis was. And I was like nobody ever,
nobody threw race into it. All right now I just assume it's
probably bigger. Like I'm not bigger than mine,

(21:20):
right? Yeah, I'm not sitting there.
Fucking. Just be like specificizing on
the fucking and you look Dicks come in all shapes and colors.
Like he could have a Neapolitan penis.
Like it's happened. So look, hey, I love you too.
I never thought about that, but that that is possible.
Pink, white and black, you know.Yeah, who wasn't Draymond Green
when he accidentally posted his Dick to Instagram?

(21:41):
Yeah, bro, I've seen, I think every celebrity Dick and balls.
I have seen Drake's. It was all just because I opened
an app before the platform was aware that people were spamming
the the Dick and balls on the everywhere, everywhere.
Yeah, so I just get and look. That should be.
Now I understand why women don'tlike unsolicited Dick pics.

(22:04):
Yeah, I mean, I still send them,but I can see why they don't
like. It Well then your wife has to
look at them so. To hear Mike and Dylan please
have Mike read this story for the first time while recording.
I would think his reaction wouldbe comical.
Keep up the great work. I've been here from the start. 0
and now it's this one. Yep.
OK. Oh, that's long.

(22:25):
All right here I. Didn't take that one look at me.
Oh shit, this is from Reddit though.
All right, well, I guess we're reading the Reddit story
because. We've asked them to send them
in. Oh yeah, because they they want
to see it. This is an am I the asshole?
So I didn't put it on 2 daddies,right?
So look guys, I ain't going to read these before the podcast.
That's a lot of work. We already got to like make

(22:45):
thumbnails and shit. And edit and all the other
stuff. I'm just like, you know, we'll
do it live because AI don't knowlike I would read them probably
better, like I would do a no, I wouldn't.
Thanks for believing in me brother, but I just think I
don't know. In the moment coming up with
stuff is a lot more fun. Like it might be funnier if I

(23:07):
wrote shit for it, but. Then you'd be trying.
Yeah. And then just trying is gay.
Look, if I see people out there trying like that guy's trying to
be successful, look at him, could be me.
I think if we were doing a pre YouTube video it makes sense to
write it but like with this it's.
What's going on guys? It's your boy Mike back with a
brand new adventure in today's video.
We're going to be sucking Dick. I don't fuck.

(23:28):
On this mention though, like theone thing that I hate because my
daughter watches so much YouTubeof these different people and
it's always they talk like this and then they raise their voice
and like it's always. Like these weird new thing came
with that guy chills where he was like and then they went into
The Cave and inside The Cave there was a lobster and then

(23:49):
they went up to the lobster and the lobster was like the fuck
y'all doing in my cave. Yeah, that is so annoying,
right? So annoying.
Learn how to do his voice because I was like, man, I
could, I could make like videos because all you got to do is put
up like a creepy little slideshow and just be like, and
then they went and it's kids. How hard is it to come up with a
Horror Story for? Well, there was one where this

(24:10):
guy, he goes around and finds like animals and like sewers and
stuff like that and he finds like all these like super rare
things. And I'm just like, you have to
be like making this video up. There's no way you're actually
finding like this rare albino axolotl or.
Whatever they do, they always dothat shit.
And the card people do too. Like they'll take the cards to

(24:31):
like Walmart and be like, I lifted up this thing and whoa,
there was a pack here from 1996.Yeah, but to kids, they don't
fucking know. So they're just like, this is
this is real. What I'm watching is, oh, bro,
kids and old people both. They just anything on the
Internet they think is real. All right, so we're gonna get
into this Reddit story. The title is Fire Arrows and

(24:51):
Explosives Don't Mix. Around age 10, my dad got me one
of those little compound bow beginner kits.
Must be nice having a dad. God that couldn't be me.
Of course the first month I wentaround our land sticking arrows
and anything that I can get stuck by an arrow.
Did you know that A195540 horse farm mill tractor tire will take

(25:11):
6 rounds before it goes down? Tough son of a bitch that got
boring. So being the 10 year old Dukes
of Hazzard fan I was, I quickly advanced taking strips of cut of
T-shirts doused in chainsaw gas tied around the end and was
sending flaming arrows all over the place. 1 summer afternoon I
was shooting flaming arrows intoa large rotten oak stump in our
backyard. I looked over under the carport

(25:33):
and see a shiny brand new can ofstarter fluid ether.
The light bulb went off in my head.
I grabbed the can and set it on the stump.
I thought it would probably justspray out in a disappointing
manner. Let's face it, to a 10 year old
mouth breather like myself, ether doesn't really sound
flammable. So I went back into the house
and got one. A 1 LB can of Pyrodex black
powder for muzzle loader rifles.He's making a bomb at this

(25:57):
point. I set the can of ether on the
stump and opened it up. My intentions were to sprinkle a
little bit around the ether, butit all sort of dumped out on me.
No biggie on 1 LB power decks and 16 ounces of ether should
make a loud pop. Kind of like a firecracker, you
know? You know what, screw that, I'm
going back into the house for the other can.
Yes, I got a second can of powerdecks and dumped it too.
Why y'all got all that goddamn gunpowder?

(26:19):
Does your Does your dad still warrior act?
Oh man wow now we're cooking. I stepped back about 15 feet and
let the two stroke arrow. I drew the knock to my cheek and
took aim. As I released I heard a clunk.
The arrow launched from my bow in slow motion time frame.
I turned to see my dad getting out of the truck.
Oh shit he just got home from work so help me God.

(26:41):
It took 10 minutes for that arrow to go from my bow to the
can. My dad was just walking towards
me in slow motion with a what the fuck look in his eyes as I
turned back towards my target just in time to see the arrow
Pierce the starting flowing can right at the bottom, right
through the main pile of pyrodexand into the can.
Oh shit. When the shockwave hit it
knocked me off my feet. I don't know if it was the

(27:03):
actual compression wave that threw me back or just a reflex
from the 235 freaking decibels of sound.
I caught half a millisecond glimpse of the violence during
the initial explosion and will tell you there was dust, grass
and buds hovering 1 feet above the above the ground.
As far as I could see. It was like a little low to the
ground layer of dust fog full ofgrasshopper spiders and worms.

(27:26):
The daylight turned purple. Let me repeat this, The fucking
daylight turned purple. There was a sweet gum tree out
by the gate going into the pasture.
Notice I said was that son of a bitch got up and ran.
So here I am on the ground, blown completely out of my shoes
with my Thundercats T-shirt shredded.
My dad is on the other side of the carport having what I can

(27:47):
only assume is a Vietnam flashback.
EBC. You're bringing them in too
close. Ceasefire.
Damn it, ceasefire. His hat was blown off and is 30
feet behind him in the driveway.All the windows on the north
side of the house are blown out and there's a slow rolling
mushroom cloud about 2000 feet over our backyard.
There's a Honda 1853 Wheeler parked on the other side of the

(28:08):
yard and the fenders are groupeddown and now touching the tires.
I wish I knew what I said to my dad at this moment.
I don't know and I know I said something I couldn't hear.
I couldn't hear inside my own head.
I don't think he heard me either, nor that it would have
really mattered. I don't remember much from this
point on. I said something, felt a sharp
pain and then woke up later. I felt a sharp pain, blacked

(28:28):
out, woke up later. Repeat this process for an hour
or so. You get the idea.
I remember at one point my mom had to give me CPR and my dad
screaming bring him back to lifeso I can kill him again.
Thanks mom. One thing is for sure, I never
had to mow that around that stump again.
Mom had been fucking Jesus. I was almost through this, doing
a good job. Mom had been bitching about that

(28:49):
thing for years and dad, dad, dad never did anything about it.
I stepped up to the plate and handled business.
Dad sold his muzzle loader a week later.
I still have some sort of bone growth abnormality, either from
the blast or the beating or both.
I guess what I'm trying to say is get your kids into archery.
It's good discipline and JeffreyEpstein didn't kill himself God

(29:10):
damn it. All that to say that that's like
one of the most duh, he didn't kill himself by and what sucks
too. It's like everybody then goes
into like the and I'm like, it'snot fun if the conspiracy's
right there. Like you got to really like make
that thing. Like I want to watch someone's
video where I'm just like, bro, I can't tell that they there's
like they're making a point, like they got actual information

(29:31):
or there's a mental disability going on.
That's my favorite kind of conspiracies, Like when it's all
just out there, that's nice. I don't know.
I don't think I've besides like the Ring of Fire and that's
lighting the. Did I?
Did I tell the story about me and my buddy lighting a tree on
fire? No.
So we used to play with gas, like I'd go over to my buddy's

(29:52):
house. He was like the, the more rich
of my, my friend group. And so whenever we went over
there, we always had like Doritos and Mountain Dews and
like we had like whatever snacksand stuff we wanted, but also
they were like the like super like fancy eaters too.
Like that was the first time I ever had like Havarti cheese or
like Munster and all this other stuff.
And so I. Don't even know what those are.

(30:12):
Yeah, they're like the sandwiches he would make.
He's he's now he's the guy that cooked at my wedding, so.
But like. Super awesome dude and I was
actually like the bad influence hardcore on him.
Like he was like straight A's smart kid, didn't get into
trouble and I got him like smoking weed.
I don't think he ever really drank or anything.
I don't think he smokes weed noweither.
Like he's super straight laced kid, but awesome.

(30:34):
And so we used to do like crazy shit where we try to stay up all
night. And so we put like lawn chairs
in the, in the road and wait forthe sun to come up over the
hills and everything. But one night we were, we got
some gas into like a Mountain Dew bottle.
And in the process of the night,we realized that Doritos are
like legit flammable. Like they'll, you could take a
lighter and light it on fire. It'll go up.

(30:55):
And so we, we made a fire down by the Creek And then like
there's like this huge Willow tree, like over top of it.
And so we took the fire and we made a line of Doritos out to a
Mountain Dew bottle that was like set with cap down.
And so the Doritos came over andlike it started getting close.

(31:17):
So we went and like hit up in the tree and it was the craziest
experience ever because like it took forever for it to finally
get there and like do something.But when it did, it shot a
literal like foot wide pillar of.
Of flame, flame. Just just like a pillar.
It wasn't just like an explosionor anything like that.
It was just like a straight lineshot up straight up like 35

(31:39):
feet, cuz that's as like the lowest branch that was there
Yeah and just lit the fucker on fire.
Luckily it was gas, so you know,it burned for a second and then
went back out. It was a live tree.
We didn't burn anything down, but we tried that experiment
like fucking five more times andevery single time it by the time
that the gas like let loose, it was just like and then.
You gotta get it to shoot up again.
No, it was like the perfect storm because like technically

(32:01):
with plastic, as long as the flame is like touching where the
liquid is, it always kind of stays there.
It never burns through. But somehow, like it made this
perfect little pinhole that shotstraight up.
Because, I mean, it could have shot out, it could have shot any
other direction, but it went straight up in the fucking air
and lit this tree. On we need one of the science
people that watch this and they're smart, which I don't

(32:22):
know if we have a lot of those viewing this, but tell us how to
recreate. That yeah, we'll, we'll do that
as a, you know. Special We'll do 1 outside and
we'll try to yeah, we'll try to shoot a fucking.
And we'll be arrested. Yeah, well, look, that happens.
It happened. Like I said, the Ring of Fire
and then lighten the big spongy thing on fire in Jamestown.

(32:45):
We didn't really play with the explosives.
The biggest fire I ever saw was we had a neighbor throw a pine
tree for Christmas into a already like yeah bonfire.
And bro that shit shot up like to the sky like in the clouds.
I was like what the fuck just happened?
It shot up so fucking far, it was really cool.
I went to this random party, I don't even know how I actually

(33:07):
went there cuz I don't think I knew any of the people.
But I got invited to this party and they would go around the
neighborhoods after Christmas and just scoop up all the pine,
like all the old Christmas trees.
And so instead of doing that like once they did it like 35
times. And so it was just like always.
And like afterwards you just come back with like soot all

(33:27):
over your face because like the little needles that burn just
end up like landing on you and then you just have like soot
lines all over your face. But that was that.
Was a look that was a fun littlestory.
I don't know how to. I don't know if the thing was
just that whole story to lead toJeffrey Epstein to kill himself.
I don't know, I could see like aredneck, like a country boy kid

(33:51):
just having those. I would have done it.
I mean, we used to always do those ones with the toilet bowl
cleaner and we did those a lot and one of our friends ended up
getting put in jail because he put it in a mailbox or somebody
else. What the fuck like that so.
Somebody else put it in a mailbox and then it didn't go
off. And so the bomb squad came out.
And since he had been doing it throughout this the town,

(34:13):
everybody thought it was and. So.
So he ended up getting pinned for it, even though it was like
a kid that didn't mix it right and then it didn't go.
Off he's like the he's like the one kid from the Butterfly
Effect, right? The real bad kid, he was doing
like bad stuff. So they're just like, oh, this
the he must have done it. Yeah.
God, what a movie. Butterfly effect.
I love how he turned into a babyand strangles himself.

(34:34):
That's the look. It was all going well.
And he'll, you know, he turned into an infant with the
wherewithal to fucking well, when he was a kid.
He's, I don't fucking know. Look, look, it's a it's a movie
title. I need eye bleach.
Dear Mike and Dylan, this is an old post that I made.
Sorry for any mistakes. Not forgiven.
I'm not even read it. Not forgiven.

(34:56):
So I worked nights at a gas station for a while a few years
ago. Now.
At the time I was mostly workingthe night shift, but on this day
I was working the afternoon shift.
I went outside to tell the assistant manager that a regular
customer had left some money for.
She said OK and whispered to keep an eye on the car that had
been sitting by the pumps for I think almost an hour.
Oh said OK and went back in. So a few minutes later crackhead

(35:19):
1 and crackhead 2 came in. They are both strung out and I
could tell so I take a deep breath and prepare myself.
So they didn't steal anything asfar as I know.
Crackhead 2 paid for the gas, went back to the car.
Crackhead 2 or I guess crackheadone came up and bought a couple
things and that's where the bathroom was.
I said out the other door and tothe left.
She went out the door to the right.

(35:39):
This happened at least four times.
So she comes back in and says wow, you're cute and do you want
my number? I said no thank you.
My girlfriend won't like that, but you ain't got you ain't
never had your Dick sucked by one with no teeth.
Come on. Brother a gum job.
Yeah, she said. Whatever, you're not that cute
anyways. Fucking bitch.
That sounds like one of the niceguys.
Where like they're being like, you know, you got to get with a

(36:00):
nice guy like me, and then they're like, well, I have AI
have a boyfriend like you stupidfat cow.
That's why I didn't even want you.
Anyways, I got plenty of. I was just trying to be nice.
Japanese mommy titties to suck on that post I made it read it
was crazy bro. She picked up some gum to buy so
I rang it up. She started digging in her bra
for money and apparently couldn't find it and proceeded
to whip out her whole titty. I was shocked but being a

(36:21):
gentleman I quickly looked away.She says you didn't see anything
did you? She was flirty and I shook my
head no. She wanted to leave her number.
Again I said no. It was the longest strangest
interaction I ever had. Thank you for reading, I know my
grammar sucks so sorry. Actually wasn't that bad.
OK. And sometimes?
That was not the worst. Right when life hands you a meth
head, you got to suck a titty now you didn't Crackheads are

(36:44):
crackheads, all right. Some crackheads are well, The
thing is, I don't know what it is about the hard drugs that
like give them the wrinkly face and makes them want to wear the
like the I love New York fuckingsweatpants, Cookie Monster
sweatpants too. But you got to you got to get
one of the, the fresh drug addicts.
They haven't ruined their life yet.

(37:05):
They're in the process. Their morals, but they're
they're still. Right, yeah, like they just got
the eye bags right now and two months they'll have the wrinkly
face and they'll also. When was the last time we
recorded last week? It was like on Thursday or
Friday. So I go by the gas station and

(37:27):
someone from my they're not really family, but like I
consider them family. She had like lost her mind and
she was like down there fucking begging for money at the Gallo.
She's not from Lexington. And I was so surprised to see
her. And obviously I hid like my face
the whole time and I was like speaking like this.
So like Incognito mode because hey, that's, it's weird.

(37:48):
I but then I had to like send the fucking manager at the
convenience store a message and be like, look, she's like legit
crazy. Like she's psychotic.
Like psychotic people think likefucking stabbing people
psychotics. Like they can't differentiate
like right from wrong. Yeah, reality from like, she's
just out there fucking. She comes inside and she's like,

(38:08):
she just grabs something out of the air while she's walking.
I'm just like, I don't even knowwhat she just got probably just
snatched a fairy right out of the sky.
But yeah, that was. That's actually a really sad
story, though. She had her shit together and
then her brother passed away andand she went down this slippery
slope of losing your mind. I don't love my brothers that

(38:29):
much. Title Dad does a podcast
question mark Dear Mike and Dylan.
First off, I want to start off with how much I love listening
to the podcast. They are a hoot.
Do we keep like I mean for like,you know, ego.
It feels good reading that, but I think it would get or did
people do that in the like the advice thing, I don't know.

(38:52):
Somebody watch Theo Bond and tell me what he does.
I mean, we can delete out part of, but I just put it in as what
they wrote. Well, they're putting that
they're being, I'm not gonna like, I'm not being a Dick about
it, but I just don't want peopleto be like, yeah, we get it.
Your fucking people think your podcast is all right, brother.
You know what if I start getting, you know, I turn into
like a prima Donna diva. Starting Wow.

(39:15):
You 2 are funny as shit and I hope the money starts heading
your way. Maybe if I keep reading it it'll
manifest. So maybe they're just trying to.
Yeah, I'm gonna keep it in there.
Dream bored us. Right the universe, the universe
is coming together. You 2 seem like genuine guys.
Nope, we're lying making it all up.
We're actually black, so. I'm Hispanic, sorry.
We did the reverse. Get out.
We put ourselves in white peoplebodies.

(39:37):
Got tired of having big penises.I've listened to you guys since
the beginning. I joined the Reddit when there
was just 23 of us. Now there's 89.
I love listening to you guys in the car and where I go goes,
wait, I love listening to you guys in the car and where I go
goes my 3 year old daughter and two-month old son.
Anytime my daughter hears the intro of either the pod or of

(39:59):
either of the podcast, she always shouts we're rolling.
Are we rolling, Mommy? That's the cutest fucking shit
ever. Although I don't I don't
recommend this podcast for for two to three-year olds.
Let it happen like my son, he's 8.
And I was like, hey, he he watches YouTube shorts.
I'm like, yeah, if like a video pops up, it's like somebody
dying or getting ate by a shark,just scroll off of it.

(40:20):
He's like what? I was like, yeah, sometimes that
happens on. I just, you know, you can't
always interesting stuff. Yeah, you can't always protect
them. But you can just be like scroll
away. And then if you got to talk to
me about it. So he's never talked to me about
a crazy ass video. He's come up again, but I don't.
Look, here's the thing, The onlything like I watch horror movies

(40:41):
with my daughter, shit, I've been doing that since, you know,
she was 6-7 years old. The only thing I don't do is
like the sexual stuff. Yeah, like if it has nudity in
it, which I don't know why everyhorror movies just got to be
like titties. Here they are.
See, I don't have a problem withlike titties showing up.
It's when it's like a big sex scene or anything like that,
like the terrifier where they cut the girl in half from the

(41:02):
crotch down. I was like, that's kind of maybe
you shouldn't be watching. This yeah, me and my daughter
were watching that and he was like, wait a minute, there's a
there's a cutting in half pussy,pussy starting at the pussy
cutting in half scene. I was just like, oh, we're not
going to watch that. What they pulled off for their
budget, I was just like, that's insane.
But man, and listen, there needsto be a streaming service
though, which I don't think the demand is very high where they

(41:25):
just make like remember horror movies when you watched it on
like sci-fi, it was like the made for TV version.
Yeah, just do like that. Just have that cuz you've got to
still have them edited down. You know, it takes 5 minutes.
Give us the option, do we want to watch this or do we want to
watch the no nudity version? She also asks when she hears the

(41:45):
name Dylan. Or wait, she also asks when she
hears the name Dylan, why are they always talking about daddy
on your show? Her dad's name is Dylan.
Anyways, thank you. Thanks for the podcast.
Both of you guys have given somegreat advice.
But also just reminding people if you're trying and doing your
best, you're a good parent. Oh, that was it.
Yeah. That was it.

(42:06):
Remember I? I break them up into pages.
You know, I always assume it's adude reading it to us.
Yeah. I don't know why.
Just immediately it's the sexism.
I'm like, women can't type, but I always.
And then it'll be like, it's one, bro, 99% of people who
comment and fucking interact with the podcast are women.
Yeah, that's what I said. Unrelenting sex appeal.
That's what it is. They just look at this.

(42:28):
It's. Those calves.
It is. It's my bro.
I remember the first one I posted on TikTok, the cut up
version of like a story we did and someone was like, bro, we do
not need the leg shot. I'm like, yes, you do, yes, you
do. That's what attracts the
viewers. But thank you so much.
You know, when Dylan does the nice ones, I'd leave him like a
first name. So I could be like thank you
person's name, but I. Just don't want to like

(42:51):
necessarily even with the nice ones like.
I just don't think names are necessary because like if they,
then. From now on, if you want your
like first name in there, we're not going to do first and last.
But if you want your first name,just say it well.
And put it in the actual like thing and then I won't take it
out because basically the stories I don't modify.
So if you I know it says like name, e-mail title, description,

(43:13):
put it in the description of like, hey, Mike and Dylan, it's
Tom, it's Susie, whatever. Like put it in there and then I
won't take it out. But like if you, I'm not just
going to like put everybody. Tom and Susie.
I don't fucking know what you bring those names up.
Two names. Obviously, deep within his
psyche he is thinking about Tom and Susie.
I had a dream last night of a phoenix made of all lights.

(43:34):
I haven't had that dream since Iwas like 5 years old.
It was crazy. And then did.
Good things follow, then no. No, no, no, no, no.
Then the next part of my dream on like the 135th floor of a
skyscraper going down a glass elevator.
You love that. Yeah, and it was like one of
those lucid dreams too, so that fucking sucked.
MM doesn't. Think it's chilled cheese fries?

(43:57):
Mike doesn't like buildings overlike 3 floors.
Yeah, I just don't like the sky.And then when we get out, like
it's I'm in a field and they're like rockets shooting like we're
in active wartime, which I didn't care about that.
I just cared about the Rockets being in the sky.
I was like no I don't like this,don't give a fuck about the war.
I'm just like hey Rocket can youcome hit me so I can get out of
this. Fucking did not realize it was a

(44:18):
dream either and I'm really goodabout that.
That's what's crazy title my 15 year old son.
Dear Mike and Dylan, I just wantyour advice on a situation I
have with my 15 year old son. To start off I married my wife
in 2022. I don't know why I said it like
that. Had my daughter in 2023 and my
youngest daughter in 2024. Huge age gap.
I know I'm going to be the old dad at the school functions.

(44:41):
Here's the issue. My son is a carp.
Wait I had I had my daughter in 2023 and my youngest daughter in
2024. I guess he meant 2013 or no.
No, he's talking. He's got his older.
Oh, OK, so yeah, two daughters, then.
Yeah, I'm a I'm a little bit dumb.
All right, here's the issue. My son is a carbon copy of me.
We almost look alike. I'm talking height, weight and

(45:03):
facial features. Even attitudes and diagnosis.
He got diagnosed with ODD oppositional defiance disorder.
I put that in there because I didn't know whether I.
Didn't know. I didn't know what it was.
So yeah, I have, I have a very bad problem with authority,
which is so crazy because I'm like, why do I just like
constantly argue with like supervisors and teachers and.

(45:26):
I guess I'd probably have that done too.
ADHD, it's nothing else. I can't remember now.
Yeah. It's just like a it's like a
thing. I was like, wow, I thought I was
just a Dick. Like technically I thought I was
just, you know, bigger than fucking myself when I was a.
Little. So you knew what that meant?
ODD. Before I put the little thing
inside of it? Yes, I did not.
I'd never heard of it before. Yeah, I think there's another

(45:48):
name for it too. But yeah, I argue with, but
it's, it's having, it's literally just like having a
problem with authority, an authoritarian problem.
I, on the other hand didn't because my mom said meds are for
white kids. I'm half native, she's full
blood. Anyways, back to the boy.
I can't get this kid to take care of his dental hygiene,

(46:09):
personal hygiene, or clean his room.
We've been even tried to tell him that the terrible state of
his room is affecting his littlesister's health, which in my
small way it has. Which in a small way it has.
They both have breathing issues and the smell coming from his
room probably isn't helping. I've tried donating all of his
things, still doesn't care. What's my solution?
Also Mike. I've thought about hitting him
in the throat, but that's frowned upon until he's 18.

(46:32):
Same submitter as above. Yeah, that's the next story.
So it's the same person. All right, So we're just going
to read it as in one. Is all this him?
No, that's OK. I was like, damn.
He's like, he fucking needs helpwith everything.
All right, so this is from the same reader.
We'll get to the first part. Charging my son.
Dear Mike and Dylan, am I the asshole for charging my son

(46:53):
rent? I know you've had this question
before, but hear me out. He's almost 16 years old and
it's time for him to get a job. It's not.
It is not. I do plan on charging him rent,
but well, I mean, listen when I say it's not because if you want
to focus on education, focus on education.
If you want to focus on working,focus on working.
Do not half ass two things. That's just my thing is like

(47:16):
when I was when I started popping off as a content
creator, I was like, I can still, you know, make boxes or I
can fucking be a content creator.
I can't half ass two things. I could whole ass one thing.
So I quit my job to do this, didnot tell my wife by the way.
So that was a conversation and she was like, well what the fuck
are we going to do about money? I was like, but it's going to

(47:37):
work. Yeah, I'll just manifest the
money. I have yet to manifest it.
I do plan on charging him rent, but the rent that I'd be
charging him is for repairs to our home that he has caused the
spoil. Get bored and start tearing
things up. For instance, a week after we
moved into our new trailer home,Trous, Dylan added he tore up
the blinds in his room. But another time he cut two
holes in the laminate flooring in his room.

(47:59):
He ripped a mic from my Xbox headset.
Every time he does something like this, he lies about it.
Am I the asshole for charging him rent for repairs?
No, that is not for repairs. No, yeah, that's that's fixing
something that he fucked up. As for the stank, I don't know
brother. I'm I'm pretty, I'm like I'm
looking at all the stuff and I'mlike, that's what I do.
Like if I didn't have a wife, I wouldn't remember to do any of

(48:21):
that thing. Shower and brush your teeth.
What? Yeah, yeah, bro, when your wife
sits down next to you and she's like, baby usually.
Well, that goes along with like my sensory shit.
It's just I have you ever seen me out in the rain?
Can't fucking stand. I can't stand rain touching me.
Same thing with a fucking shower.
Now when I get in there, like I fucking hate it.
And I hate. I don't just, I just swimming.

(48:41):
I like swimming. I don't know why my brain I
guess associates that with fun. Baths and showers bro fucking
suck. I just see you like in the like
feeling, Yeah, just just having a good, good wash up here.
While I'm showing, when I finally like get into it too,
like then also like I get depressed too.

(49:01):
And then I just won't fucking even try.
I won't even try. And then, you know, Amy will
just come up and she'll like, you want to take a shower with
me? I'm like, oh, yeah.
And then, yeah, I'll be like, oh, that's why she wanted you.
Just want me to get clean. Tricking me, tricking me to take
a shower. The thing is, I don't know, it's

(49:23):
just at that young, like 15 years old, you care about a lot
of things. How'd you ain't one of them.
What? It's really going to take a
girl? Yeah.
I don't know how ugly he is, youknow, I'm saying.
And not to say that your boy's ugly.
You said that you're a spit of damage.
So I'll just accuse you. I'll accuse the storyteller.
Maybe he is ugly, OK, but he gotto get a girl man like you.

(49:44):
Like it doesn't matter how good you look.
There's somebody for everybody. I was trying to be funny.
I fucked it up. OK, Dylan, look, argue time,
going back to the same point. But yeah, yeah, you got to get a
girl. Yeah, like to try.
You have to inspire him. And I think the only way to
inspire a teenage boy is to figure out how to get him in

(50:06):
romantically interested in somebody that he actually gives
a shit about his appearance and smell enough to like.
Because like, I'm sorry, but every 15 year old boy when I was
growing up was like covered in Axe body spray and fucking, you
know, like it's not that we wereclean, but we were smelly, not
in a good way with Axe body spray, so.
Like we smell like Stank and Axe, yeah.

(50:27):
Like that was the thing and thatlike, I think that's normal.
But yeah, like when it comes to girls, like he's going to get
more fixed up to try and impressa girl, but.
Here's the dope thing about Axe though, and that was really
cool. I was poor man, but a can of Axe
was 3 bucks, so it was so yeah, it was so easy because you could
just join in and like you didn'thave to have because I went

(50:48):
through the when like, you know,Abercrombie and Fitch got real
big, Aeropostale got real big, fucking American Eagle got real
big. And if I like wasn't swooning a
big girl, I wasn't getting any of that stuff.
So the the Axe body spray one, that was a that was a good time
because it was cheap to partake in that.
See, I was always counterculture, so like, I
didn't fall I'll. Do bod bod bod well.

(51:10):
No, like with that I did that, but like I I literally never
stepped. Foot Oh, you did like the DC's,
the vans, the Yeah, all that. Still expensive.
Anyways, but like it was like, you know, I didn't have to be
wearing the the in all. Right, so this is what I'm this
is the advice I'm gonna give them.
All right, start a fake Facebook, all right?
Of a 15 year old girl catfish your own son.

(51:33):
And there you go. That's how you're going to fix
it, all right? You're going to break him.
You're going to fuck him up mentally, OK, But he won't
stink. He will not stink.
There you go. Look, that's how that's how we
do it right there. All right?
So, yeah. And with the repairs too.
If you fuck it up, yeah, pay forit.
Well, in those moments with the linoleum and things like that,

(51:54):
he is becoming a young man and being able to, I don't know
whether you're the type that is handy, but if you, if he fucks
it up, you help him like actually fix it back and then
he's gaining. So on how to do it and then
you're having like a father son thing which I never got.
You know what I'm saying? So so have fun with that.
Rub that in God title mean wife.Dear Mike and Dylan, the two

(52:19):
people who hate hate drama hate.I need your help.
Last weekend I tried to convincemy wife to let me fly from the
great state of cheese Wisconsin to see some people I listen to
in a Denny's parking lot. Long story short, she said no
and I'm crazy. How can I convince her to let me
do things like that? Or am I stuck?
Thanks guys. Divorcer, if you go like imagine

(52:41):
your wife comes to you and is like, hey babe, I want to take I
want to fly by myself a couple states away.
To do a meet up. Yeah, meet up at this.
You'd be like what? Behind a dumpster.
What now? How about we not do that?
And not even an active Denny's empty.
All the last story person said we need to start like APO box of
people that send us stuff but. Somebody else had mentioned that

(53:03):
on YouTube. I'm.
Just going to get a bomb like a nail bomb.
I don't think people. Hate like people aren't smart
enough to build the good bombs and just kill you instantly.
It's like the nail bombs where I'm laying on the ground.
I'm just like, you know how fucking that's the nail bomb,
the big explosion ones that you're like all passed out and
shit. The nail bombs just missing a

(53:24):
couple. Yeah, you're all fucked up.
I'm real scared of that. I don't know, man.
Have you tried cunnilingus? Because if you have not episode
2, I teach you how to do it. Is that episode 2 or 3?
I think it was 2 or. Three, it's one of those.
OK, he doesn't. Go into great detail still
Google for the the legit tips it.

(53:46):
Is pretty good. Dear Mike and Dylan, your mic
stand looks like big black dildos.
I love y'all and this podcast, but when you see it, you cannot
see it. I don't I don't what Dick have
you seen that looks like that? That's a bent Dick and we got
the cool little red things on there.
I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know. I don't agree.
Title sons on the spectrum. Dear Mike and Dylan, My name is

(54:08):
Dustin and I'm a 32 year old male.
I have to say Mike, we have a lot in common.
We both have nonverbal autistic sons.
Milo is age 3. He is running but he is also
very smart. You said your grandma grew up in
West Virginia. I was just wondering what part?
That's where I love and was bornand raised.
What's the best advice you can give about raising an autistic

(54:30):
kid? Love to pod.
Keep up the good shit. I have no clue what part of West
Virginia I was not like, you know, city county.
We did try to look for like the maternal grandpa at one point,
which had us in, I can't remember because it was like a,
it wasn't listed as like a county or a city.
It was like a Providence then, which is crazy because it, you

(54:53):
know, it wasn't that long ago, 70 years ago, or I don't fucking
know what it was listed as. It wasn't like a city or a state
or a county. It's a weird name for it.
Will I look that up after the podcast and like, say it on
another podcast? No, because I'll forget.
But it was some part of West Virginia.
Now, the advice for raising an autistic kid is just hold on

(55:15):
tight, brother, because you knowwhat I'm saying that at one
point they're going to be just sitting there being all cute and
shit, and the next minute they're throwing a PlayStation,
which I have figured something out.
Did you? Yes, if he goes to do something
crazy and I just like fucking freak out about it, he won't
he'll he'll never do it again. And I'm like, that's the coolest
shit. Yep, he will not he doesn't

(55:36):
throw the PlayStation anymore anytime I've done that.
So so just jump scare your kid alot.
That's the best advice I can give you for a a non verbal
autistic kid. And also anything that they
watch or you try to teach them, do it in song form because
they're way more receptive when it's in song form.
It's got a tune to it. I think that works with most

(55:57):
kids. Like I like If you sing things
to them, for some reason, it's like, I can't remember.
There's science to it, like about the different parts of
your brain that turn on, but like they can't not pay
attention during a song. And so it like actually turns on
their brain to they're like focusing on it because they're
trying to decipher what you're singing.
And so they actually get the message.

(56:18):
And whereas like when you're talking to them, they're like.
Man, that's motherfucker boring.Man, you ain't colorful, you're
not flashing from scene to scene, you're not singing a
song. I'm not going to pay attention
to you. But yeah, that's just the like I
said, in song form. What's funny is he loves the
Ghostbusters. Individual pages, so you should
be able to just pick him up as is.
None of them continue on. Remember I printed this.

(56:40):
So but yeah, he loves the Ghostbusters theme song.
So yesterday we're watching Stranger Things and it's in
season 2 where they dress up as Ghostbusters and it starts
playing it. So I get real happy 'cause I
know he's he fucks with Ghostbusters.
He's just sent over there and just like, you know, when it
starts with the drum, he's like when he does the fucking drying

(57:02):
gets real fast during the drum part and then when it gets into
it, he finally starts doing it like the cutest thing you ever
fucking saw. And he was just over there doing
that. So I thought that was real
fucking cute. I saw there, I was watching a
reel last night and it, I guess there's a whole podcast around
it, but there's like the telepathy effect or something.
They're saying that crazy enoughand like, I don't know how legit

(57:24):
it is, but like technically if you were to have your son and
then another non verbal autisticson or like kid and two
different rooms and like one of them picks like a number and a
color, like 99% of the time the other kid in the other room can
pick the same. I I have to look more into it,
but yeah, it was supposedly there's like a whole podcast
about it, like where they're notcommunicating with words and

(57:46):
talking to each other and stuff like that.
But like somehow like very, I don't know what to say.
Like consistently they can pick the same thing from man
brotherhood. I'm about to look, he's about to
be my little Alakazam playing mylittle Pokémon.
He's going to start being able to levitate shit brother, it's
going to be crazy shit like I'm be like look all right, use your

(58:07):
mind and that gas station and just like lift up the cash
register, bring it out just. Bring all the dollars.
He's going to be a little Pokémon.
Cops are going to like run out like go youngest son and he's
just going to walk out there andI don't know if.
Well, then there's going to be like.
Stranger Things A. 100 other autistic kids coming to like
circle around the car so that. I have an army of them and all I

(58:27):
have to do is sing songs for them and give them cheese balls.
Bro, they love, they fucking love cheese balls.
That's all I do is feed them cheese balls and we just go
around and we terrorize the world with our our psychic
powers. Why don't you go steal from
Amazon instead of the local gas station?
Because. Well, not a a local gas station
still owned by like a chain. Well, the franchise owner and
then yeah, it's funnels money further up, but.

(58:50):
I don't know, I just feel like Bezos has enough money.
He's going to have his own little army of autistic
children. So he.
Probably will be the first ones on that.
Yeah, Yeah. So that seems like a rut.
That's like a fortress. We would have to, we need to
come up with a mobile game whereyou collect autistic children,
different kinds and different races, like they have, you know,
different hours based on like their culture and stuff like
that. And then you build, and then you

(59:12):
go attack other people's fortresses of autistic children.
Well, that's like the whole point behind like the accountant
was like a bunch of kids like onthe spectrum and they turned
them into like super humans. Oh well, we can do it, all
right. How far are we into this?

(59:33):
50 minutes. That's it.
Damn advice for a fellow knuckledragging knuckle drag block.
God damn it. Fuck.
Advice for a fellow knuckle dragging autist.
Dear Mike and Dylan, I didn't realize that you had a podcast
until you were about a month into it.
Doing my best to catch up. I'll keep this as short as I can

(59:55):
because I expect this won't be my only submission, but I suck
at being concise, so good luck. I'm looking for Mike's
particular insight on this. Because he is open about having
autism. I was diagnosed with ADHD as a
child and again when I was an adult and I was in the army.
They letting us in the army? Oh shit.
Super soldiers, yeah. I guess we could get the

(01:00:18):
telepathy, yeah, fucking everybody up.
God bless. The Army's always on it, man.
But I'm in the process of getting an autism evaluation set
up at the moment, knowing what Iknow now, and knowing that my
grandparents who raised me nevergot me tested for autism.
All of the puzzle pieces fit. The diagnosis is simply a
formality at this point. While I'm lucky to be the verbal
kind of autist, I have struggledthroughout my entire life with

(01:00:40):
issues that very much present asautism.
Frankly, A mistaken diagnosis ofADHD when you actually have
autism is a tale as old as the autism diagnosis itself.
That's I fucked that line up, but what they're saying is, is
that like ADHD, ADHD can be likea part of the spectrum that like
masks the other shit with autism.

(01:01:01):
They just say you have ADHD but you're actually on the spectrum.
Now the issue I have, I'm in my late 20s and I'm in my late 20s
now and my entire family is expecting me to have kids.
Granted I don't come from a goodfamily so I'm not so sure why
they suddenly want interest in my life and whether or not I
have children. I go years at a time without so

(01:01:21):
much as a text, but I digress. I do want to have children with
my wife but I have struggled so much just to get by as an adult
on my own and succeed even in a marriage without children.
I'm terrified of having kids because it might add too much
stress to my marriage. I can't even manage my own
mental mental illness. How am I supposed to handle a
child, let alone the possibilityof a child that also has a
similar condition to mine? I know that I am going to try my

(01:01:43):
hardest to be a good dad. I want to be the father figure
that my dad never was. But I don't want to overcorrect
and fuck my kids up from being too lenient and laissez faire
with how I choose the parent them.
But I haven't been able to trulyreacclimate to civilian life
after the army. I'm trying my hardest, but it
still makes me feel unworthy of having children.

(01:02:03):
I'm going to school to get my airframe and power plant license
so that I can work as an aircraft mechanic with my wife,
but the school is so hard for meand I'm afraid of failing at
that. It just makes me wonder what in
the world I'm possibly going to do if I have a child.
Any advice for me? Mike?
As a fellow useless retard, whatabout you Dylan?
Any outside perspective? As someone who has not risen,

(01:02:24):
risen them up with the tism. Thanks in advance.
Sorry for rambling. PS Mike, I'm proud of you for
not reading that. Like you have the art
articulation skills of a brain damage chimp.
Kind of did. I did.
I kind of did. No, you did.
I fucked it up multiple times. If you don't want to have
children, don't have children and don't ever feel pressured
into having children. That's the weirdest fucking
thing that we do. Like me with my kids, I am

(01:02:46):
always going to say, hey, don't have kids.
If you want to have like if theywant to have kids, cool.
But I'm just like, look, you canlive your life.
You can have a lot more fun without having children like
that's where the fun stops. How old did they say they were?
In their late 20s. Yeah, I don't know if I read.
I'm in my late 20s now. There's also a fallacy to which,

(01:03:10):
like, where you have to have life figured out.
I still don't have life figured out.
I'm 32 years old. It's just it's a thing that
comes with time. You'll figure out if you want to
have kids, if you do want to have kids, look, no one ever has
children and they are ready to be a parent.
That's that just does not fucking happen.
You're going to learn as you go.And I think that's the beautiful

(01:03:32):
thing about being a parent is that you don't know how to do it
until you fucking do it. Like you read every book in the
world about what to do, what notto do.
It just, it just comes honestly naturally.
But yeah, man, just fucking if you don't have kids, live your
life, bro. And I don't fucking know, Dylan,
give him some good advice. So he said that he does want to
have kids, like, and if you do like Mike says, though, is like,

(01:03:56):
you're never going to be ready. Like you're never going to have
all your ducks in a row. Like ultimately, the biggest
thing to tell you whether you'reready or not is the right person
by your side. Like if you had a kid with
anybody other than Amy and they weren't able to put up with your
stuff, you guys would be divorced and the kids would be
separate. On me right now, yeah, OK, but

(01:04:16):
like because he used to Amy and I was just like looking.
I was like. Wait, wait, that's my wife's.
Name. Yeah, that's my wife's name.
Is he also married to an Amy? We both we both got Amy's.
Wow, we are similar. We are very similar.
Similar. These fucking fuck words are
hard. But like what I'm saying is like
you like if your wife is on board and you're on board, like
you just have to decide when you're ready for.

(01:04:37):
It don't do it. It's overrated brother.
Like it Look, I love my kids. If there's anything fun you want
to do, you won't be able to because kids like it's just,
it's a it's a whole lot. It does add a difficulty notch
in line. See, I think, I think The thing
is, is like when you have kids, cuz like he's not a 19 year old
and you took that on at like 19 and so you skipped like not to

(01:05:01):
say like it didn't save your life cuz it probably did.
You were not around good people doing shit things.
Out of a drug overdose? Man, this could all be over.
I could not be. Look, I'm tired of trying.
But like with my situation, I didn't have kids.
Like I met my wife when I was 30and then her daughter started
coming around like after the divorce, like a year later.

(01:05:24):
And so like I was late in life, I, I got to figure out who I
was. I got to like date and go have
fun and do all these things. Like you're in a point in your
life in like your mid 20s that like, if you're ready to settle
down, like there is nothing. I have the complete antithesis
of what your experience was likehaving a kid changed my life to

(01:05:45):
make it have meaning and made itmore fun and like being able to
like see her grow up and all these things like, and I know
you feel that way too about yourkids.
It's just like you missed a lot of your youth because you had
kids young. And so then you had to be in dad
mode. You had to go and, and but
that's what straightened you up.And it actually probably was a

(01:06:06):
blessing. But like, yes, there is a lot of
stuff like where when I want to hang out and do things, go do
things with friends and everything, like I have to then
mentally be like, well, I'm going to like skip out of my
family for a night to do this. And like, it's OK if you're not,
you just can't be selfish anymore.
And like, if selfishness is important to you, if like what

(01:06:27):
you're doing and everything likethat is like very important to
you, then yes, kids aren't the right fit.
But if you can like see you and your wife as a team and see the
likelihood of that playing out well, she's supportive.
You're supportive and you guys can ride that train together.
Having a kid is one of the most fulfilling things that I've done
in my life. And I don't suggest it for

(01:06:48):
everybody. Not everybody's meant for kids
and kids aren't meant for all parents.
But in my situation, I met my wife and we were in a position
where like, I knew it was forever.
Even if we fight and argue and pitch and moan like we're going
to be together, we'll figure it out together whether we like
each other in certain moments and get angry with each other in
other moments. Like it's the long haul and.

(01:07:11):
So, yeah, my, my wife was manic from breaking up with the woman
that she was with for nine years.
And then I was heavily on drugs and, you know, she got pregnant
and was like, oh, it's probably good we get married.
Once again, I was on drugs. And then you know what?
It all worked out. Sometimes the story of the meet
is not as beautiful. Like when I'm telling my

(01:07:31):
grandkids that they're going to be fucking and I'm like, what
the fuck? Also, good job, grandpa.
Like a woman for nine years. You think that's it right there?
I'm like, yeah, but I stepped in.
Look, man. Well, and it's so much man.
Points for. That like because there's
definitely downsides to having kids.
There's definitely things that you're like, man, this really is

(01:07:53):
inconvenient. But then there's a ton of
upsides and it's what you focus on that is really going to paint
that picture. And like, for the most part, all
the time, like is like, you know, always kids focused.
And so he might be giving his kids other advice.
But like, ultimately I think what you're trying to do is just
be like, yeah, you don't have todo that.
You can decide to do that. But like, don't feel forced into

(01:08:15):
whatever. I am going to tell you something
though with the autism though and having kids you will put
your kids before your spouse. I don't know why it like to A to
a unhealthy point. Yeah, I don't.
That's one of those hard things like cuz some people are like
you know your wife 1st and then some people are like you're.

(01:08:36):
That's so weird. I just I don't get the I don't
get the wife first. I will never get that well, I
look. At her happiness as being like
we need to ride. This out yeah, yeah, yeah, like.
We need to ride this out until the kids are gone cuz we have
this job that we have to do. And like, so as long as we're
not fucking up these kids, like but like, yes, if it comes down
to it, I mean, I would say honestly, I'm probably more on

(01:09:00):
focusing on the kids than the wife.
And unfortunately that is the way life is sometimes.
But like you just can't completely neglect that.
But then once they're gone, likehopefully you guys have made it
through to the point where you guys can they.
Just don't even be saying anything though, like they will
give no inkling to want to fucking hang out with you.

(01:09:20):
A kid will just be like, oh, do you want to do this dad?
And I'm like, oh man, that sounds fun.
And then she just, oh, I'm glad I can completely understand.
And I know what that's translated to.
Did you want to hang out? No.
All right, well I'm going to hang out together.
Whatever. Bye bitch.
Like I'm not sitting here going to fight fucking trying to read
your mind. If you want to hang out, let's

(01:09:41):
do something. The worst part is I decided to
play Eldering 2 nights ago and Amy was like I really wanted you
to hang out with me. Did you say that?
No. No, no, she said that to me and
I was just like, I've been sitting beside you for two
hours. I'm just like rubbing top of her
leg while she's been on her phone watching TikTok.

(01:10:03):
I was like, you've had your fun,I'm going to have mine.
Also. Why would you say nothing about
it? Bro?
I'm telling you what the beep ofa PlayStation gets a woman's
brain firing. I don't know.
It's like the it's like the songs for kids where their brain
starts working. The beep of a PlayStation will
do that, but yeah, you know when.
It turns on, it goes beep or. Listen to the advice Dylan said.

(01:10:24):
Probably don't listen to the advice I said, because I did
have a a vastly different introduction into being a
father. I did it the irresponsible way.
And thank God it turned out because normally, yeah, very,
very outlier that people who have kids that young meeting at
that meeting that early would work out.
But I do think that we are goingto wrap it up for this episode

(01:10:47):
of Mike and Dylan Hate hate drama.
You guys are going to get another episode this week.
I said too, but we just got so much fucking people are just and
if I don't give them terrible advice that Dylan then makes up
for what are we doing here they're.
Going to feel empty. They're going to.
Feel empty, yeah. And then they might commit
suicide and that'll be all my that's blood on my hands and I

(01:11:08):
just rather not have blood on myhands.
And I think I got to ruin this intro but I don't fucking leave
it in there. I don't give a fuck.
So it fucking happens. Look, if you enjoyed the
podcast, make sure you rate US on whatever podcasting platform
you were on and check out laborlama.com where we have 30%
off for the podcast people. M ADHD30.

(01:11:30):
I did my wave in my hand like that because I completely forgot
what it was and we will see you guys next time.
Share the podcast later Mayonnaise Dick.
Also, you can you can submit your own if you want advice.
Yeah. Or a story you want us to read
at micadillon.com. MIKEANDDY, lan.com.
Fuck, there's too much promotional shit.
I'll see you next time. Later.