September 17, 2025 • 55 mins
Perfectionism and people-pleasing aren’t bad habits—they’re survival strategies rooted in patterns of emotional outsourcing learned early in life. When you’re conditioned to regulate your nervous system through other people’s approval or needs, it can keep you stuck in cycles of over-giving, self-doubt, and disconnection from your own truth. Shifting these patterns isn’t just about changing your mindset—it’s about reclaiming your body, rebuilding self-trust, and creating relationships that honor your worth.
In this episode of Mindset Unlimited, I invited Beatriz Victoria Albina to join me in a conversation about ending emotional outsourcing and the 5 steps to shift habits of perfectionism and people pleasing.
Some of what we talk about in this episode includes:
- Why perfectionism, people-pleasing, and co-dependency are rooted in emotional outsourcing—and how that impacts your sense of safety, belonging, and worth.
- The difference between unhealthy empathy and healthy, grounded empathy (and why empathy isn’t the issue, the issue is boundaries).
- Somatic practices and the BRAVE process for shifting perfectionist and people-pleasing habits in everyday life.
- How to build self-trust and regulate stress in small, sustainable steps that support healthier, more interdependent relationships.
Thanks for listening!
Have thoughts on this episode? Send me a voice memo: https://www.speakpipe.com/MindsetUnlimited
LINKS TO REFERENCES MADE IN THIS EPISODE:
CONNECT WITH BEATRIZ
Order the book “End Emotional Outsourcing”
CONNECT WITH VALERIE:
Sign up for Valerie’s newsletter
Apply to be coached on the podcast
Listen to the Unlimited Playlist
This podcast was produced by Valerie Friedlander Coaching
Proud member of the Feminist Podcasters Collective
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Valerie Friedlander (00:00):
Hello, my friends, and welcome to another
episode of Mindset unlimited.
Mindset tips, tools andinspiration for women in a time
of change. I'm your host.
Valerie Friedlander, ICFcertified coach, sociologist,
intersectional feminist artist,mom and nerd, and today we are
talking about five steps toshift habits of perfectionism
(00:21):
and people pleasing. If you aresomeone who has struggled with
these habits, perhaps under theumbrella of codependent
behaviors, I want you to knowthat you are not alone. I have
definitely been there, and theseare things that I wish that I
had known back when I started. Ialso want to recognize that when
(00:45):
you have a lot of self awarenesswithout these tools, we tend to
get stuck in our heads and tryand think our way out of it, and
end up beating ourselves up forbeating ourselves up for doing
these things. Oh, I shouldn'ttry and be perfectionist. I
should let that go. I shouldn'tbe people pleasing. I should
have said, No, what's wrong withme? Blah, blah, blah. We really,
(01:07):
we're really rough on ourselves.
And so first, know that this isvery common. You are not alone,
and there's nothing wrong withyou. These patterns are survival
strategies. They're rooted inpatterns of emotional
outsourcing that we learn earlyin life as a survival mechanism.
And we're not taught how toregulate our nervous system,
(01:33):
which is where these patternsare embedded. And so, yeah, we
get stuck in our head around it.
So to address this and bring itinto the body, I have invited
Beatrice, Victoria Albena tojoin me in this conversation.
(01:53):
She has a new book coming out onSeptember 30, so you can pre
order that now there is a linkin the show notes. Béa is a UCSF
trained family nursepractitioner, somatic
experiencing practitioner,Master, certified somatic life
coach, and the author of theforthcoming end emotional
(02:14):
outsourcing, a guide toovercoming codependent,
perfectionist and peoplepleasing habits. She's also a
breathwork meditation guide witha passion for helping humans
socialized as women to reconnectwith their bodies, regulate
their nervous systems and rewiretheir minds so they can break
free from codependency,perfectionism and people
(02:35):
pleasing and reclaim their joy.
She's also the host of thefeminist wellness podcast. Holds
a Master's Degree in PublicHealth from Boston University
School of Public Health, and abachelor's in Latin American
Studies from Oberlin College, myalma mater. She was born in Mar
del Plata Argentina. Béa grew upin the great state of Rhode
(02:56):
Island. She has been working inhealth and wellness for over 20
years, and lives with her wife,Bailey Albina and their handsome
all black cat weed. I had somuch fun with this conversation,
I am thrilled to share it withyou. I know you're going to see
how much fun we had together. Inthis episode, you will learn why
(03:18):
perfectionism, people pleasingand codependency are rooted in
emotional outsourcing, and howthat impacts your sense of
safety, belonging and worth. Thedifference between unhealthy
empathy and healthy, groundedempathy, and why empathy isn't
the issue. The issue isboundaries, hint, hint, somatic
practices and the brave processfor shifting perfectionist and
(03:38):
people pleasing habits ineveryday life, and how to build
self trust and regulate stressin small, sustainable steps that
support healthier, moreindependent relationships.
Before we get started, I do wantto acknowledge one of the things
in this episode we celebrate isthat we were able to survive,
and that we built these skillsets that supported us in making
(04:02):
it through the dynamics in ourlife, and something that we
didn't mention, that I want todo that here, which is just
because we had to be strong andbuild these skills that aren't
serving us anymore, but that wehad to to survive, and they are
(04:22):
worth celebrating. It is alsototally understandable and
important to grieve that we hadto do it because, just because
we did it and we're badassesdoesn't mean that it isn't sad
that we had to that there isn'tan emotional charge around
having to do that. So I justwant to acknowledge that here.
(04:45):
The other thing that I want tolet you know is that I have
recently set up a speak pipe,which will be linked in the show
notes, which basically is like alittle voice messenger where you
can click on the link click.
Click on the microphone buttonand record a 92nd little message
to me. So as I mentioned, everyepisode, I love to hear from
(05:08):
you. So if there is acelebration, an insight, a
question or a topic request forthe podcast, please click that
link, click the button, it'ssuper simple, and send me a
note. I would love to hear fromyou, and you can do it
anonymously. Okay, now, withoutfurther ado, let's get started.
(05:37):
Welcome Béa. I'm so excited tohave you on Mindset Unlimited.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (05:41):
I'm so happy to be here.
Valerie Friedlander (05:43):
Yeah, this is a real pleasure to meet a
fellow Obie.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (05:48):
Yay.
Valerie Friedlander (05:48):
So yeah.
Anyway, I'm looking forward tothis
Beatriz Victoria Albina (05:52):
It's special.
Valerie Friedlander (05:52):
Yeah, it is. It is. We are such a tight
community. I mean, there's likethe whole Obies marry Obies
thing, which I have fallen intoas well. But we just, we have a
we have a vibe.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (06:05):
Yeah, we really do. It's pretty
magical.
Valerie Friedlander (06:08):
It is. So that's a little sampling of you,
but tell us a little bit aboutwho you are.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (06:16):
Oh, yeah. So now my mind's only
thinking Oberlin, where I playedrugby, was in a food Co Op I did
like the most traditionallyweird Oberlin things back in the
day. But, okay, it's been 20years. Woman, have an identity.
Valerie Friedlander (06:31):
I mean, we have formative things, and I
feel like that
Beatriz Victoria Albina (06:35):
Oberlin was it.
Valerie Friedlander (06:36):
Oberlin was definitely one of them for me.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (06:39):
Oh, so good, so good. Listen, what do I
do now? Okay, so I am a Holisticnurse practitioner of the
science based branch, not thesnake oil based branch, a
delineation. I didn't have tosay out loud just one year ago,
but now I think it's soimportant to be like, I don't
think you all have parasites,and you don't have to detox them
under the full moon. Like, Ilove witchcraft, but that's a
(07:00):
bit much. Okay, so I'm afunctional medicine holistic
nurse practitioner. I have amaster's degree in public
health, because obese are nerds.
I am a master certified somaticlife coach, and I am a podcast
called feminist wellness, andthe author of this new book and
emotional outsourcing, how toovercome your codependent,
perfectionist and peoplepleasing habits. That hits the
shelves September 30, and I'm soexcited about it.
Valerie Friedlander (07:24):
Oh yes.
Well, I can't wait to talk aboutit, because so much of it hits
on so many things. The peoplewho are listening are gonna be
like, Oh, wow, yes, yes. Thisis, this is definitely my kind
of books. And I you gave awaythe nerd thing. That's one of
the ways I introduce myself, isand nerd, and there you go. Now
everybody knows.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (07:46):
Now everybody knows. I'm gonna go
out on a limb here and saypeople flock to the both of us
because nerd, yes, I think so,because nerd is best. What is
better than nerd?
Valerie Friedlander (07:58):
I truly don't know. Okay, so my next
question is, what is a limitthat you took for granted that
you have since unlearned? Ithink the labeling around nerd
as a kid is definitely one ofmine. But what about you?
Beatriz Victoria Albina (08:14):
Yeah, gosh, what is a limit I took for
granted? This question isactually really challenging for
me, and I think part of it isbecause I have this magnificent
ADHD brain. Here I am tagging,like, three minutes in, but I do
have this brain that, like,decides it's gonna do a thing
and just does it. Yes, you gottamean, even I do know what you
(08:36):
mean, right? When it's like,That's ridiculous. No one can do
that. Why would you do that?
What do you mean? You're gonnaquit medicine and become a life
coach. That's dumb, like thenumber of people who said that,
and my brain is just like itdoesn't see the limitations in a
way, right, which gets me in alot of trouble. Let me tell you
what, right? Because I leapbefore looking slowly. I'm like,
(08:58):
halfway down the canyon before Iwas like, Wait, should I have a
parachute? Well, we're gonnatuck and roll, I guess you know
what I mean. But you know, Ifeel like there was a point at
which I felt really stuck inlife and really held down by my
own emotional outsourcing, whichI'm sure we'll define in a
(09:21):
moment, and I didn't see a waythrough. And I think that was a
limitation where I didn't haveany modeling of good
communication, of truly doingwhat you wanted to in life, of
not being codependent, of notliving in profound resentment.
You know, I just had my parentsright? Like the way so many of
us do as, like, the the model ofwhat a romantic relationship can
(09:44):
be, and it wasn't looking cute,and I didn't realize that it
could look different, because Ihadn't really seen it, right? So
we're, I'm an immigrant. We cameto the US when I was. Little
kid. We escaped the Dirty War inArgentina, and we didn't have
friends like my parents didn'thave friends like. So there
(10:07):
weren't other couples around.
There weren't people around. Itwas a very quiet, little lonely
existence. And so I didn't seehealthy relating. And so I think
that was an internal limit ofnot knowing, yeah, what
connection that was honest andloving and truly kind versus
(10:27):
very nice. My parents are veryBut truly, deeply kind. I didn't
know what that could look like,yeah, and that is, in part like
my the work I did to leave a notgreat marriage and really
rewrite myself, was what led meeven deeper into the work I'm
doing, deeper into somatics,which started at Oberlin, right,
(10:49):
with improv dance and like doingall that somatic exploration. We
weren't calling it that then,because, you know, we're from
the 90s, but, but it's what wewere doing. And, yeah, yeah. All
that work to break through thelimit of what healthy relating
can look like, really is what,what fast forward many years,
(11:10):
led to this book, which I'm sureis going to be an instant
bestseller.
Valerie Friedlander (11:14):
Yeah. I mean, I think, I think it needs
to be.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (11:17):
I would agree.
Valerie Friedlander (11:18):
So, yeah, yeah. So all you listeners, all
you listeners, there are severalthings that you said that like,
jumped out at me. One of thethings, I think we'll talk more
about this too, because thatdifference of kind versus nice
and how we relate, like,basically that is, you can't
have conflict.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (11:37):
Wait, what? You can't have what? No, I
don't even know that word.
That'snot a word. I gotta go actually.
Valerie Friedlander (11:41):
Yeah, exactly!
It's been really nice talking.
Be well. Good luck.
Yeah.
Exactly. Conflict is dangerous.
You don't do that. That's
Beatriz Victoria Albina (11:54):
Lions.
Valerie Friedlander (11:55):
Yes, definitely lions. Well,
abandonment,
Beatriz Victoria Alb (11:58):
Rejection,
Valerie Friedlander (11:59):
Right? All of that. And so I want to, I
know we're going to get intothat, but one of the things that
you said when we're talkingabout limits, and I this really
relates to what you aredescribing, is the idea of, oh,
I'm, I'm just an empath. I heardsomebody recently share about
(12:20):
this experience that they hadwhere they called something out,
and I have been leaning a lotmore into calling things out,
even though it disrupts mynervous system, yeah, and
knowing that it's important,knowing that I need to use my
voice, I need to use myprivilege to say this is a
problem. But so often we go tothat label of, well, I am an
(12:43):
empath. And looking over some ofthe things that you've written
about and that you talk aboutwhen it comes to emotional
outsourcing, I would love foryou to to describe like that
relationship between empath andthat label we put on ourselves
and emotional outsourcing.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (13:01):
Yeah.
So I'll start by definingemotional outsourcing, yeah. So,
it is my umbrella term for ourcodependent, perfectionist and
people pleasing habits. And Icame up with this term because I
didn't like the other terms.
Right? Again, we're nerds.
Language matters. Words matter.
Words are spells, right? And so,co dependent. Get outta here.
(13:25):
I'm not codependent. I went toOberlin. I am a strong feminist
woman. I am an independentwoman. I am not co nothing. Get
outta here. But wait, is it okaythat I said that? Are you mad at
me? Valerie, oh, my god, are youmad at me that I said that?
Right?
Valerie Friedlander (13:41):
No, I'm not. It's okay.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (13:43):
I'll take it back. I'm so sorry. I
said I'm so sorry.
Valerie Friedlander (13:46):
Can we shut down this conversation?
Beatriz Victoria Albina (13:49):
Right?
Valerie Friedlander (13:50):
Yeah.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (13:51):
So doing every codependent thing
but hating the word.. what is...
What happens then you don't gethelp because you can't get help
for something you've completelyscrewed. That's not my problem,
because I'm all good help. Andthen you keep on living in the
same old lousy patterns. So truewith perfectionism. Because I
wasn't a perfectionist. I messedall kinds of things up. Do you
know I can't believe I'm goingto admit this. I got a 96 on an
(14:13):
exam once. Can you even imaginebeing that much of a failure?
Wow, so bad. Come on, failure.
Okay? And people pleaser, peopleare so upset with me all the
time, so I couldn't possibly bea people pleaser. I mean, I'm
working hard at it to keepeveryone happy always, right?
But you see how we get into thismorass of like, I'm not the
(14:34):
thing. So I guess I'll keepbeing the painful, really
challenging way I'm being. So Iwrote out a Venn diagram, like
like a nerd would do, andrealize what we're doing in all
three instances is outsourcing,frankly, our whole lives. We're
outsourcing our sense of thethree vital human needs, which
(14:58):
are, safety, belonging. Savingand worth, and we source them
from everyone and everythingoutside of ourselves, instead of
from within, at a great cost toself. And that's, that's the the
crux of it, right? It's thegreat cost to self, because I
love giving. I love caring. Ilove taking care of Yes, yes,
(15:21):
but, but, I give from myoverflow. Now, talk about a
limit, huh? I give from myoverflow. I give from my full
cup. I give from from energy Ihave to spare. And because I'm
not flinging my energy aroundeverywhere trying to make
everyone love me, I have so muchenergy to spare to take my
friend's soup and drive them tothe airport and be a loving
member of my community andvolunteer to translate, right?
(15:45):
Because I'm not leaking outeverywhere, subconsciously
trying to manipulate everyone tolike, love and approve of me.
Yeah, yeah. So that's how wedefine emotional outsourcing,
also as a way to move away fromidentity, right? I am a
codependent because I know we'regonna, we'll get into that a
little more, because that canjust jump off a bridge and as a
(16:06):
way to begin to contextualizethis in a very Oby way within a
sociopolitical reality. Yes, youasked me about empaths. Listen,
are some people empaths? Sureare most people who are like,
Oh, I'm just like, feelingeveryone's feelings all the
time, and that's deeplyimpacting me. What they're
really talking about is a lackof boundaries, of limits, of of
(16:31):
a clear delineation of where youstart and I stop, right, yes,
which is, which is the crux ofemotional outsourcing, because I
don't have my own feelings, myown thoughts, my own choices,
unless you think they're okay,what do you think I should do?
Do you like my shirt? Should Iwear? Should I go change? Right?
(16:53):
Everything's about you. Youcreate my life. And we do that
because we don't trustourselves, because we've been
trained up to trust othersinstead of ourselves, and
because we're always scared ofmaking a wrong, very wrong, very
terrible, wrong, bad decision,that if you make the decision
and I hate it, I'm not to blame,which is really convenient,
(17:15):
because I'm constantly beatingmyself up. So there's, there's
like one fewer thing to beatmyself up about. Great, right?
So, yes, I believe we can feelothers' feelings in a healthy,
grounded, beautiful,interdependent way, and it is my
(17:37):
experience. Having done this fora long time, I've already told
y'all, I'm from the 90s. Whenmost people say I'm an empath,
what they mean is I have veryporous boundaries, no grounded,
embodied, centered sense ofself, and I just let everyone's
energy flow into me and disruptmy internal systems, instead of
(17:59):
clearly knowing where I startand stop, and they do the same.
Valerie Friedlander (18:04):
Yeah, yeah.
I love the breakdown safety,belonging, worth and the
recognition of boundaries. Isone of the reasons why, you
know, I look at it like we wantto take off the unconscious
limits, but we still want tohave limits correct, because
we're in a body, and we can onlyhold so much, and we need to
have ownership of our own self.
(18:25):
Yes, and when we feel like oursense of self and our ability to
be okay is external to us, Imean, usually that's rooted in a
trauma response of that there,there. I feel unsafe, and so I
need to monitor and payattention to all of the things
outside of myself in order toprotect myself, to stay safe.
(18:48):
And there's I have been doing somuch unpacking of my own
programming. I did a trainingwith resmaa menakem A while back
where he talked about thedynamics of of you know, white
women, gatekeepers and that sortof thing. And I realized that
the patterns that I thought wereones that I got because I grew
(19:10):
up in a home impacted byalcoholism. So it was all about
protecting my dad's feelings sothat he would not need to go
drink, or he would not need tobe dis dysregulated, right? He
didn't, he didn't learn thetools to regulate his himself.
So I needed to become the personto help regulate the environment
(19:30):
so that he could be okay. Andthat was a safety mechanism that
I was conditioned to. But then Irealized, Oh, this is actually
like system wide. This is rootedin patriarchy, and this is
rooted in white supremacy, andall of these ways that we learn
to to be nice, to regulateexternally, so that we stay
(19:52):
safe. But what that does iscreate that awful space of I
don't have boundaries because Idon't know who I am, because my
energy is so out here, and. Sowhen I do speak up and I do
choose to disrupt the system, mynervous system gets all kinds of
out of whack. And you've talkedabout this in, I think it was an
Instagram that I watched ofyours where you were saying
(20:14):
something about, like,dysregulation isn't necessarily
bad, you know, I talk about,like, taking things out of this
binary and like, Ooh, Ishouldn't be dysregulated. I
need to make sure that I'malways regulated and like, but
does that. So would you talksome about that aspect?
Beatriz Victoria Albina (20:29):
With endless joy, because, well,
because capitalism is just doingto "nervous system regulation"
and "somatics," what it does toeverything else, which is trying
to make it like this palatablebite size, super simple thing,
Valerie Friedlander (20:43):
Another tool of the system. Let's
appropriate this so that we canuse it in this wellness
industry.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (20:52):
Oh, yeah. I saw, like, somatic
accounting sold to me onInstagram the other day. I was
like, what the actual f are youtalking about? So anyway, I
think we could go down thatpathway, maybe next episode,
Like I talk about word nerds.
I'm going to drill down to "Whatwe'll do that.
does that word mean?" "What arewe?" "What is that?" "What are
we talking about here?" "Couldwe?" I mean, that's that's why I
(21:13):
have a podcast, right, right? Iwant to last a couple episodes
back. I did one on empathy, andthat whole binary of is empathy
destroying the world? Is it whatheal the world? Well, actually,
that's not even the rightconversation, because exactly
what you just described when itcomes to empathy. So many layers
of that, anyway,So many layers, so much nuance.
So the question was, why wedon't need to be regulated all
(21:36):
the time?
Valerie Friedlander (21:38):
Yeah.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (21:39):
Hey, are you wearing pants? Did you
get out of bed? Did you havefood this morning? That's thanks
to the cortisol awakening curve.
So the the car, the cortisolawakening response happens about
30 minutes after you wake up.
Because science, it's natural weshould, our cortisol should go
up because, you know who's alsoawake, if, if the lights are on
(22:02):
outside, you know the big lightin the sky, that big red one,
lions, also tigers, also bears,right? So if the sun's out, get
up. Get out of your cave, golight the fire and be prepared
to survive on the Savannah. Ofevolution, one more day, we're
supposed to have somesympathetic activation. It's the
(22:23):
only way to get up in themorning. Try to, try crossing
the street in New York Citywithout adrenaline, without
sympathetic activation. Try it.
Good luck. Bon chance to leave.
I mean, Paris as well, right?
Like you, we need sympatheticactivation.
Valerie Friedlander (22:37):
Well, in these days, everywhere, because
everybody's on the phone.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (22:40):
Okay, well, there's also that fair,
yeah, but like, how about Gaza?
How about Sudan? How aboutCongo? How about Flint,
Michigan? How about DC undermartial law? How about... Please
have some sympatheticactivation. Please be pissed
off. Please be angry. Butlisten, I want sympathetic
activation and I want to spend anight that's more and more
(23:02):
frequent these days, sobbing myeyes out because people are
being starved to death, not justin one place, but in many.
Right? And I want to be verydysregulated about that... with
the capacity to regulate. Ohsay, yeah. So here's what
happens when we don't have theskills and tools to work with
(23:23):
our nervous system work withourselves somatically, when
we're in emotional outsourcingand we're living by default and
outside of intention, is thatwe're just moving and moving and
moving and moving and moving,and something pisses us off, so
we explode, and then we freakout, and then we throw the
thing, and then we are fine. Wedidn't actually process the
thing. We just keep moving andkeep moving right? And so that's
(23:44):
when we're dysregulated in thereally scientifically dangerous
way, meaning we have thesechronic elevations in stress
hormones that lead to actualharm to the vascular epithelium,
to the lining of our bloodcells. I mean, the data is this
very robust. And I'm not thefirst nerd to be out here being
(24:05):
like, stress is bad, but youknow, it's, it's a, it's a
robust, evidence based sensestress that you're not looking
at in the snout. Yes, becausewhen I am sobbing my eyes out. I
know why, and I know how to selfsoothe when the feeling has
moved all the way through mybody. And that's a skill we
(24:26):
need, yeah, is to be present tothe emotion, not to regulate it
away. Unless you're driving onI95 through New Bedford, unless
you know what I mean, you'relike, coming off the loop, and
you've got emerge in Chicago,please regulate yourself.
Valerie Friedlander (24:45):
Yeah.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (24:46):
Right?
Or you're trying to poop inpeace and a toddler's like,
pulling your pants for the 400just regulate yourself before
you scream at someone I don'tknow, two feet tall.
Valerie Friedlander (24:57):
Yeah.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (24:57):
Right?
So we regulate ourselves. Goesaway from having our full
emotion because we are kind andloving animals in a society, but
it's about choicefulness. Andwhen we're in the depths of
emotional outsourcing, we are asfar from agency and
choicefulness as humanlypossible. We're trying, as you
said earlier, no conflict. Inever heard of her. No, I don't,
(25:21):
I don't, I don't know what thatis. No, I don't know.
Everything's fine. I'm fine.
It's totally fine. We're good,we're good, it's fine, it's
fine. Are you good? Are youhappy? You all may make your
saying, what you find, are youmad at me? You're mad at me. I'm
sorry. What did I do? I'm sorry.
Right? We're living in thischase of other people's
approval, other people's safety.
So do we need to be regulatedall the time? Absolutely not.
(25:44):
That's robots. That's, I don'tknow, monotonous. That's not
being a human. That's not thefull breadth and depth of human
life. We should get very angryand very sad and profoundly
joyful, right? Yeah. I mean, mycat will go through all of those
emotions, like, six minutes,right?
Valerie Friedlander (26:06):
I have an orange one, so it's like, I love
you I love you... Rawr! Stop it!
Beatriz Victoria Albina (26:08):
They've got the one brain cell, and I
love the orange so much.
Valerie Friedlander (26:14):
Yeah, yeah.
They're great. So, so a lot ofthe listeners have heard me talk
about, like, some of the thethings that go into, okay? Well,
we need both and stepping into,as I just mentioned, stepping
into those spaces of it's timeto start speaking up. It's okay.
This is a habit that we havethat the nervous system, we're
(26:35):
pushing past a boundary that welearned a long time ago, and
there's going to be somedysregulation there, because it
feels unsafe, because our systemhas learned this is unsafe to
speak up and to be kind. Andthen I also just had this
conversation talking about, Iengage conflict out of love.
Yes, right? I show up to this.
(26:56):
I'm willing to show up toconflict because I care, and
maybe it's I care about you, andso I'm willing to show up to the
discomfort of this conflict, thetension of this conflict,
because I care about you, and Iam willing to show up to the PTA
meeting where I need to call outsome behavior that's harmful to
(27:21):
people who are in this school,that is because I love. Because
I love the people, because Icare. And doing that from this
place of love versus this placeof just anger and and all of the
things that are fueling thesystems that we're in right now,
(27:41):
and I wonder when I think aboutshowing up out of care, some of
that is also I have to let go ofthe outcome, right? I have to
let go of how you receive thislike I'm going to show up to you
with love, and you might notever want to talk to me again.
Boy is that upsetting? Boy Doesthat hurt? Boy Does that hit
(28:03):
like all of the reasons why Ijust want to be nice and I don't
want to be right kind and showup with love, and we need tools
to be able to process whathappens. And the thing that
we're afraid of, thatabandonment right? We're wired
for belonging, that abandonmentcould happen, right? And what
(28:24):
are we more attached to? What doyou offer in terms of, you know,
maybe it's a maybe it's aprocess or a check in, or a way
to to be with oneself in thoseinstances where we want to show
up and everything, both from wayback when, when we learned these
(28:47):
things that this is dangerous,to now, when I don't want to
lose this friendship, or I don'twant to get the retaliation that
I might face from the schoolsystem, or, you know, showing up
to All right, how do I deal withme first? Because what I'm
hearing you say is that I needto deal with the me part to be
(29:09):
able to do those things. I needto have that intentionality and
that regulation within myself,or at least awareness that,
okay, I'm going to, I'm going toget dysregulated right now. So
like, here we are. I'mdysregulated already, and I'm
going to lean into that. And I'mnot just going to soothe it away
and try and make it you know,like, put the band aid on. I'm
going to address the gangrene,right?
Beatriz Victoria Albina (29:31):
And so those are, in their way,
separate processes towards thesame end. And I also, before it
leaves my mind, I wanted, yeah,you talked about addressing the
friend, even though you mightlose the friend. And the phrase
that came to me is in Spanish,"mejor sola que mala companada,"
"better alone than poorlyaccompanied," right? Like better
(29:53):
than being in bad company. And,man, that one's done me some
good to remember that.
Valerie Friedlander (29:59):
Yeah. Yeah, and trusting that, even if
they're not there right now,that maybe they'll, they'll take
that and learn I've had to takesome really unpleasant tasting
medicine and go sit with it fora while before I could come back
to a relationship and go, Okay,I digested what you needed to
give me, and thank you for that.
And and now I'm ready to moveforward with you.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (30:22):
Right?
But that there in you'remodeling for all of us the
process of being in relationalregulation, right? To be able to
say, like, oh, okay, I'm feelingmyself get a little activated.
What you said really, like, myinitial feeling is like, ouch,
that really hurts and and I haveenough, enough presence and
(30:46):
embodiment, and I'm at homewithin myself enough that I
don't have to make it about me,but I recognize It's for me,
right? There's a little nuancethere. Yeah, back upon me, but
it's to help me, should I chooseit? And to then regulate
(31:08):
yourself to say, like, I'm notgoing to swipe at my friend who
comes to me with love and care.
And so then I can go away andhave my big anger, or have my
big sad, like have the big cry,have them both at the same time,
and then come back to them inthat regulated way, like you
(31:29):
just modeled something reallypotent that I think a lot of
folks that are deep in emotionaloutsourcing have no access to.
And so to those with no access,I will say we need to learn
somatic practices to ground andregulate ourselves, and we need
to practice them when we're notin the boiling water, when we're
(31:52):
not right going home to visitour parent with substance use,
when we're not confrontinganything, when things are super
copacetic and super chill, like,when you're in a nice warm
shower, right? And your family'staken care of, all you're
thinking about is, is yourconditioner? That's when I want
(32:14):
you to practice somaticpractices, right?
Valerie Friedlander (32:18):
Can you give us an example?
Beatriz Victoria Albina (32:21):
Yeah for sure, and so I'll say that
yeah. So my my process is thebrave process. B, body first. R,
recognize your outsourcing. A,ask what you want. V, voice self
loyalty and E, encourageyourself. So we start with body
first. I love thought work. Ilove a sort of CBT framework
(32:43):
where, you know the stoics welook at our thinking, we ask
ourselves, if I like my way ofthinking, we work with our
mindset phenomenal, all thenerdy nerdies, and it keeps us
living from the neck up, whichcan only take us so far, because
our minds are also the place ofour socialization and
conditioning under thepatriarchy, white settler
colonialism and late stagecapitalism, in addition to our
(33:06):
family of origins and all theirsurvival skills, right? So some
wild percent of our thoughts arethat they're not really yours,
right? You heard your dad saythem. You heard your Uncle say
them. You heard a teacher or
Valerie Friedlander (33:20):
a TV show or whatever
Beatriz Victoria Albina (33:23):
and so they got imprinted, right and
implanted. And the thoughts youkeep thinking of the thoughts
you have on repeat, and theybecome your identity, until you
can drop into the body. Becausethrough the body, we can find
other narratives. We can findother ways of being. We can find
wisdom and our own truth beyondour habitual thoughts, because
our habitual thoughts will keepus in a habitual posture towards
(33:46):
life, and a habitual nervoussystem state in relationship to
life, right? You put dinner downand someone makes like a little
face, your habitual nervoussystem reaction and then thought
is empathetic activation.
Thought, they don't like it.
They don't like me. I've failed.
I'm a terrible mom. Oh my god,I'm the worst everyone's gonna
know. I'm terrible. I'm gonnadie cold and alone on a
(34:06):
mountaintop. So in coming to thebody and taking a different
posture towards it, right,different grounding. Hey, I see
you made a face when I putdinner down. What's that about,
Oh, nothing. I just, you know, II'm four, and so I don't like
things that are read this week.
(34:27):
Oh, okay. Oh, okay, and not thespiral towards your own lonely
Doom, right?
Valerie Friedlander (34:35):
Yes.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (34:36):
So body first, the invitation is to come
into the body. And will alwayscaveat for those of us for whom
the body was the site of trauma,that might not be a great idea.
And if that's you, and if you'relike, Nah, girl, I'm not into
the body, forget about you. Juststay on the border of the body.
So what others might do a bodyscan, maybe you get present to
(34:57):
where your skin meets the airand the only energy going into
the body is with your directsay. So how do we come into the
body? We do two vital things.
And if this is the only thinganyone takes from this whole
conversation, I die happy.
Orienting. So we do an orientinganchor scan. So the nervous
(35:20):
system when activated, whendysregulated, time travels. So
it's not in the here and nowwith us here and now. It's in
the past when the scary thinghappened, or ruminating towards
the future when the scary thingmight happen. And so in order to
help ground the nervous system,regulate the nervous system, we
need to remind it of when weare. Yes, who we are, but when
(35:44):
we are. And we do that quitesimply by looking around. And I
know it sounds banal, it's liketoo easy to work, but, but try
it when you're freaking out, butit works. So we literally just
look around and take in yourenvironment. You know, we have
senses for a reason, and so wecan use them, right? What do you
(36:05):
see? Literally. Name it. Door.
trampoline. I love mytrampoline. Painting. Lamp.
Book. Cat. What do you see? Whatdo you smell? What do you taste?
And the more towards punchingsomeone in the snout you are,
the more senses I'm going toinvite you to bring on board.
Right? What does your arm feellike? What does your shirt feel
(36:26):
like? What does your hair feellike? Smell your hair that
smells like. My nice condition,I just got a new conditioner.
I'm pretty obsessed. Reallyengage your senses. Then find
your feet and find the floor sowhen we can connect in with the
Earth, we can remember thatwe're held. We can remember
we're not alone, right? We canremember that we're these tiny,
(36:49):
beautiful things on this earth,and that we are always in
community, whether we feel likeit or not.
Valerie Friedlander (36:57):
Yeah, one of my teachers, Kai, said, that
our first and most stableattachment is to the earth.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (37:05):
Yeah.
And I think before colonialismand capitalism, it was for all
of us, right?
Valerie Friedlander (37:12):
Yeah, well, it's returning to that. So,
like, that's, you know,remembering, oh, this is,
Beatriz Victoria Albina (37:18):
this is my true whole place.
Valerie Friedlander (37:20):
Yes, well, that's one of the problems. Is
how disconnected we are. Butanyway, that's from that. And so
tapping into your feet and theearth..
Yes. And next, we recognize whenwe're outsourcing. And this is
not, I didn't say callingourselves out. I didn't say
catch ourselves. I don't likecarceral language. Nobody needs
(37:41):
another cop, right? We noticeand we notice gently, so the way
to prepare ourselves for this isto make a list of your emotional
outsourcing habits and to makeit ahead of time. When I say
something slightly vulnerable, Itend to watch everyone's face to
see if I'm okay. Write it downwhen there's a big decision to
(38:03):
make, or any tiny decision whereto go for dinner that I need to
make for more than just myself,I outsource it because I don't
want to disappoint anyone,because I'm scared rejection
trail right from the banal tothe deepest things. Write down
what you tend to do in aperfectionist, codependent
people pleasing habit set. We'regoing to treat this as
(38:26):
information, not somethingthat's wrong with you. My hair
is brown. I tend to be aperfectionist in this way. I
wear a size 10 shoe. I tend tobe a people pleaser. In this
way, neutral facts, becausethey're survival skills, right?
And so we're never here to judgethem, and the clearer you can
get on them ahead of time, themore you can recognize them.
Like birders know what they'relooking for. They know who's in
(38:49):
Central Park this time of year.
They don't just go out and go,Well, let's see what... you
know? Like, you know what you'relooking for, know the patterns,
Yeah, know the patterns. Andthey're just they're there
because there's a reason thatthey were there. At some point
they made sense.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (39:03):
Yeah! Frankly, because you're freaking
brilliant,
Valerie Friedlander (39:05):
Yeah! How badass that you did that.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (39:08):
Right?
Valerie Friedlander (39:08):
Like that you learned how to survive. Wow.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (39:12):
So good. Next, once you've noticed,
oh, I'm doing the thing, I wantto invite you to get, get, like,
a little like me, like, Where'sWaldo? You know when you're the
first kid to find Waldo? Man, 10points to me goes in my
permanent record like that.
Like, oh, I noticed the thing. Aof brave. What do I actually
want? Not what they want, notwhat will keep you out of
(39:34):
trouble and that will keeppeople from having feelings.
What do you want? Now, 9.974% ofout of 10 people are going to
say, I don't know.
Valerie Friedlander (39:45):
I was about to say the I don't know I feel
like is another pattern that'slike, Oh, hey, there's something
else there.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (39:52):
Yeah.
So we've got with two things tosay to this. We ask to ask, we
do not ask because we want ananswer. Yeah. How's that for
flipping that paradigm, we askso that our spirit hears us
asking and knows that, oh, thatmammal cares enough about me
exactly. It's like opening thedoor, right? We ask just to ask.
(40:12):
You don't get an answer. Whocares you didn't have an answer
anyway. So what would you lose?
But you heard yourself matterenough to you to ask, yes, once
you're comfortable with that,I'll invite you when you hear I
don't know, here's your retort,okay, brain, you don't know, but
if you did know, what would youwant? It is some coaching Jiu
(40:37):
Jitsu. I don't know how it isthat it works every time, but
it's masterful. I do it to myclients, I do it to my wife, I
do it to myself. But if youknow, I know you don't know,
honey pie, it's fine. Don'tworry about it. But if you did
know, and then my brain's like,oh, potatoes, yeah, obviously.
But the brain that two secondsago was like, oh my god, I could
(40:58):
never choose, I don't know.
Wild.
Valerie Friedlander (41:01):
Well, that's the protector part.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (41:02):
Yeah.
Valerie Friedlander (41:02):
It's a different part of yourself
that's like, activating. It'slike, I'm I gotta protect you
from saying the wrong thing. Andthen, well, you, you just kind
of like, okay, thanks for, youknow, protection. And if you
did,
Beatriz Victoria Albina (41:14):
And if you did, it's magical. It's so
good. And then you voice a smallact of self loyalty. And the
operative word here is small,tiny. So in my world, I think, I
think that baby steps are aridiculous ask. That's like two
and a half three inches. That'sa too big ask.
Valerie Friedlander (41:36):
Yeah.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (41:37):
In my world, we take kitten steps,
yeah, newborn, itty bitty baby,kitten steps, hypoallergenic.
Don't worry about it. Likeinchworm. Yeah, it's like,
inchworm steps, like theteeniest, freaking tiniest,
tinier. And I hear everyonesetting their goals, and I'm
like, tinier. So why do we dothis, if we live with this
(41:58):
profound fear of failure and notgetting it right, and everything
being terrible. What do we do?
We say, You know what? I haven'texercised since the Presidential
Fitness Test in the 80s. I'm runthe New York City marathon
tomorrow. That's tomorrow.
Great. Yeah, I'm gonna, that'sgonna be, that's gonna work out
well for my hammies, right? Likewe go from zero to hero, but we
(42:20):
we don't get to where we want togo because we fall on our snout
two steps in. So I encourage usto create self loyalty and self
trust by making the winsinevitable. If you want to go to
the gym, if you want to startexercising this this week,
(42:42):
you're gonna consider whatrunning shoes you might buy.
That's it. That's it. So thenwhen you win at that, you get a
little dopamine, you get alittle oxytocin. We get a little
you get high on your own supplyin the best way, and it'll
motivate you towards doing thenext thing that that's on your
(43:04):
path to whatever it is you mostwant, but kitten step size. So
in an example of emotionaloutsourcing, let's say you're at
that PTA meeting and you wereasked to make cupcakes again,
and you got to make the glutenfree and the dairy free, and the
and the and the free. And yourold habit is to go absolutely
(43:26):
through gritted teeth. Sure,yeah, I can do that. Well,
meanwhile, inside you're like, Iwould rather chew glass. Like,
no thank you. So the baby stepis to say no, thank you. Don't
even try it. My kitten step. Letme get back to you. Then what's
the tiniest thing? Don't try tosay no to someone's face. Don't,
(43:48):
don't do that. Don't do that,because then you're going to get
feel guilty and you're going tofold like an origami swan. And
then what was the point? Whatwas the point? There was no
point. Let me get back to you,right? Do the tiniest little
thing. That's how you startbecoming your own safe place.
And then E in Brave is forencourage yourself like you
would a best friend. And when Itell you that in this household
(44:11):
and in my coaching world, wecelebrate the tiniest things,
and we do all day long, right?
So, baby in our Where's Waldogame? Ooh, I noticed. I noticed,
have a friend that you text,have a victories journal, right?
And really cheer yourself on,Shine yourself up. Why not?
Valerie Friedlander (44:30):
Yeah.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (44:31):
Right, why not? And I hear the why not
is because so many of ussocialize as women. We're taught
that that's selfish to behumble, right? I can hear all
the Catholicism coming in,right? I can hear all the like,
all many effect will tell awoman to be smaller and smaller
and smaller. And I hear that.
And I'll simply invite you toask, Do I really want to live
(44:53):
that way? Do I really want tolive that. Way, is that what I
want for my as far as we know,one human life? Or do I maybe
want to do this differently?
Huh? And then when your brainspeaks out, oh, it's wrong and
(45:14):
it's bad. Okay, who's it gonnahurt? But, like, really, make
your brain answer it. Oh, well,I was just taught that's not an
answer.
Valerie Friedlander (45:23):
Yeah.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (45:24):
Right.
Push the rhetoric to its edges.
Women should be Oh, okay, sure.
Why?
Valerie Friedlander (45:31):
Yeah.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (45:33):
Right, and just see where you can get
to. And most of my clients getto, oh, forget about it. I'd
rather feel good about myself,because also then, if we're
going to stay in the same sortof morality clause, you are
kinder to customer service andto waitresses and to
receptionists and to your ownfamily. So if our central tenant
is kindness, start with you. Itripples out. You know?
Valerie Friedlander (45:56):
Truly.
Yeah, absolutely. I love that.
That is...
Beatriz Victoria Albina (46:00):
Be brave.
Valerie Friedlander (46:02):
Be brave. I love, I love that breakdown. And
I have a cheat sheet that I giveto people that is like, things
to say. Basically, you can,like, put it on your phone where
it's just like, you know, let meget back to you. Basically, it's
like, helping that art of thepause,
Beatriz Victoria Albina (46:18):
Yes.
Valerie Friedlander (46:19):
Like, where it's really hard we we feel like
we have urgency, urgency. Yougot to respond right away. You
got to do the thing right awayand say, don't I even say, like,
if you are super activated andyou don't know what to do, I had
to use bathroom.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (46:31):
Yes, I love the loo!
Valerie Friedlander (46:33):
Go to the bathroom. It's totally like, if
you have nothing else, like youdon't feel comfortable saying,
"Let me get back to you." Or,"I'm not sure." "I gotta think
about it." "Let me check mycalendar." "Let me..." whatever.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (46:46):
Go to the bathroom. And then when you
get to the bathroom, count yourfingers. This is a super
applicable one. So when ouramygdala, the fear center, big
emotion center in the brain andthe reptile brain and the limbic
system, is turned on, it's blackor white. It's binary cat,
that's a tabby cat, that's avillage,
(47:13):
gonna buy into other people'surgency. It'll become our
emergency. You brilliantly, goto the loo once there. If you're
too fast, you gotta show yourbody slow. If you're too slow,
you gotta show your body fast,but gently so you're revving,
you're racing, you're anxious.
Oh my god. What did what did shesay? That mean thing? Did I hear
what there was, take your thumband tap your first finger, your
(47:37):
pointer finger, and slowly, likeannoyingly slowly, say one. New
York finger and say two. Ringfinger and say three. Pinky and
say four. And you're gonna comeback 4321, but so slow that you
(47:58):
want to, like, reach throughyour podcast app and strangle
me. That's fine. I'm availablefor it. And then, if you're
like, you know you're inconflict, and you kind of just
check out. Wait what? Sorry.
Were you yelling at me? I just Iwent into dorsal shutdown, and I
(48:19):
froze, and I.. what? That. Whichcan happen in a boardroom or a
PTA or anywhere, we're gonna tapour fingers a little faster and
we're gonna go, 123432112344321,to start bringing a little
adrenaline right? Gentle, gentleadrenaline right? To start
(48:40):
bringing a little life forceenergy, a wee bit of chi, if you
will, into the system, right?
Bring that prana up. Putwhatever word you want on it. I
couldn't care less, but bringthat life force energy... Yeah?
To justrev you up. So those are that's
Valerie Friedlander (48:55):
Yeah.
one of, like, the easiestthings, and in my experience,
Oh, that's brilliant.
it's about us. Like a three yearold can easily do that. The
counting is challenging, but theslow tap, like, Okay, I hear
you. You're really, reallyupset. Can we? Let's do finger
taps first, and then they get soabsorbed in it, yeah, that the
(49:17):
tantrum. Sometimes it halfmelted. So that's a good tip for
parents and caregivers too.
Yeah, yeah, good luck with that.
I love it. Yeah, it's a goodone. It's fun, because it really
works. I have a client who hasher whole middle school room do
Beatriz Victoria Albina (49:31):
Talk about Co-regs. Yeah.
it. So like, if someone getsupset in the room, she has them
all stand and all of them tap together.
Valeri (49:45):
Co-regulation is so key.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (49:47):
Can you imagine being an upset eight
year old and you're not sent tothe coroner or sent to the
principal or sent to detention,but instead I'm gonna cry like
20 something other kids stand upand. Slowly count to support
you. Oh, Valerie, I'm gonna cry.
How tender is that?
Valerie Friedlander (50:06):
We need that. We need that so badly.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (50:10):
Yeah, but it starts with us. It starts
at home.
Valerie Friedlander (50:12):
Yeah, there's so much. I have really
enjoyed this conversation.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (50:17):
Me too.
Me too.
Valerie Friedlander (50:18):
We hit on so many, so many things. I'm
thrilled to read your book.
Very, very exciting. Can't wait.
And so soon.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (50:25):
So soon! Yeah, so soon. So it hits
the shelf September 30. You canpre order now at my website,
Beatrizalbina.com/book, we'vegot all the major booksellers
up, so you take your choice. Andfor folks who don't know pre
orders really, really matter,because it tells the publisher
how many copies to literallyprint. So if you're I'm going to
(50:47):
speak for both of us, someonewho loves the library and is
like libraries are the heart ofdemocracy, it actually helps get
the book into libraries, if itdoes better in pre order,
because it helps the librariesto get bigger bulk orders. I
just learned that yesterday, thebulk orders and so what better
reason to pre order a book thanto support your local library?
(51:08):
That's pretty cool.
Valerie Friedlander (51:10):
Yeah, well, there will be a link in the show
notes to your website and yourInstagram.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (51:16):
Thank you.
Valerie Friedlander (51:17):
And bookshop.org? You have it on
bookshop.org?
Beatriz Victoria Albina (51:20):
Of course.
Valerie Friedlander (51:21):
Okay, cool, because that's I stopped linking
to Amazon. I only link tobookshop.org.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (51:26):
Yeah, yeah. Of course, of course, of
course.
Valerie Friedlander (51:27):
So that'll be in the book rack on bookshop
that I have for all the booksthat are recommended in this
podcast. So definitely y'all gocheck it out. It is linked in
the show notes. And thank you somuch for joining me. And as we
wrap up, I like to ask a couplequestions. One is, what does it
(51:50):
mean to you to be unlimited?
Beatriz Victoria Albina (51:53):
To live in interdependence instead of
emotional outsourcing, so tolive as an autonomous human who
knows my own limits andboundaries in the best of ways,
and who lives with mutuality andreciprocity with everyone in my
world.
Valerie Friedlander (52:08):
Yeah, you know, as you said that though,
thing that struck me to what yousaid earlier about stepping out
of the idea of codependency asan identity, we often say I'm
codependent. Do we ever say I'ma interdependent? Like, I never
hear anybody say I'm aninterdependent,
Beatriz Victoria Albina (52:25):
No, but let's do it, because that's an
identity I can get with.
Valerie Friedlander (52:28):
It is an identity, but, like, we never
say that. We say I'm independentor I am codependent, but we
don't say I am aninterdependent,
Beatriz Victoria Albina (52:36):
Okay, we used to not, but, yeah, we do
Valerie Friedlander (52:39):
Yeah, we do now. We do know. So when you
now.
want to tap into that unlimitedfeeling, what song do you listen
to?
Beatriz Victoria Albina (52:47):
I would say, Gracias A La Vida -
Mercedes Sosa or Fito Paez,anything by Fito Paez, Argentine
rock, I'm going to go to myroots, because the stuff you
like, you know.
Valerie Friedlander (52:58):
Yeah.
The little kiddo stuff. Yeah.
Fito Paez.
Is there a particular song?
Beatriz Victoria Albina (53:03):
My God, everything. Oh, he did this tour
last year where he played on hismost popular album, from start
to finish at Madison SquareGarden. And I just sobbed, and I
like, was looking around, andeveryone in the audience was
standing up, pumping our fists,which is like an embarrassing
Argentine thing we do when wegot excited and sobbing, men,
(53:24):
women, children, all, every agesand gen... everyone was sobbing.
God, we love our national rock.
Valerie Friedlander (53:32):
Yeah, there's a whole thing about,
like, a whole album, right? Thatjust is.... But for the playlist
sake I can't put a whole album.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (53:41):
No. I mean, that'd be a bit much.
Valerie Friedlander (53:43):
But I will link to the whole album so that
people can listen to it.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (53:45):
I do recommend it.
Valerie Friedlander (53:46):
So it'll be there too. So, y'all gotta go
check out the show notes. I knowI always say that, but like,
really...
Beatriz Victoria Albina (53:52):
Well, you put effort into them. People
should go check it out.
Valerie Friedlander (53:54):
I do, oh my gosh. Can we talk? We're not
gonna talk about show notes.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (53:54):
Next time, next time, we'll do a
whole episode about show notes.
Valerie Friedlander (53:59):
An episode about show notes...
Beatriz Victoria Albina (54:02):
Okay, great.
Valerie Friedlander (54:03):
Thank you so much for joining me today.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (54:06):
Thank you!
Valerie Friedlander (54:06):
It has been such a pleasure.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (54:07):
Truly.
Valerie Friedlander (54:08):
I hope you enjoyed listening to this
episode as much as I didrecording it. I really
appreciate that you are here andjust a reminder that if you have
any insights that you'd like toshare, any appreciations, any
questions or any topics youwould like me to engage on this
podcast. There is a new link inthe show notes to record a short
(54:33):
voice memo to me. It's supereasy. Click the link, a little
thing pops up and you click onthe microphone and you record a
little message that goes to me.
You can send it anonymously ifyou want, or you can put in your
email if you would like a directresponse from me. I love, love,
love to hear from you. And ifyou are looking for support to
engage any of these dynamics inyour life, please reach out. I
(54:57):
offer a free Expo. Inspirationcall, and I am more than happy
to chat with you no pressure. Wefind if it's a good fit to work
together, what that might looklike that would be a best fit
for what you're looking for,your goals, your finances, all
the fun stuff, and then we gofrom there. So thank you again,
so much for listening. Go checkout Bea's book, and I will talk
(55:19):
to you all next time.
Hello, my friends, and welcome to another
episode of Mindset unlimited.
Mindset tips, tools andinspiration for women in a time
of change. I'm your host.
Valerie Friedlander, ICFcertified coach, sociologist,
intersectional feminist artist,mom and nerd, and today we are
talking about five steps toshift habits of perfectionism
(00:21):
and people pleasing. If you aresomeone who has struggled with
these habits, perhaps under theumbrella of codependent
behaviors, I want you to knowthat you are not alone. I have
definitely been there, and theseare things that I wish that I
had known back when I started. Ialso want to recognize that when
(00:45):
you have a lot of self awarenesswithout these tools, we tend to
get stuck in our heads and tryand think our way out of it, and
end up beating ourselves up forbeating ourselves up for doing
these things. Oh, I shouldn'ttry and be perfectionist. I
should let that go. I shouldn'tbe people pleasing. I should
have said, No, what's wrong withme? Blah, blah, blah. We really,
(01:07):
we're really rough on ourselves.
And so first, know that this isvery common. You are not alone,
and there's nothing wrong withyou. These patterns are survival
strategies. They're rooted inpatterns of emotional
outsourcing that we learn earlyin life as a survival mechanism.
And we're not taught how toregulate our nervous system,
(01:33):
which is where these patternsare embedded. And so, yeah, we
get stuck in our head around it.
So to address this and bring itinto the body, I have invited
Beatrice, Victoria Albena tojoin me in this conversation.
(01:53):
She has a new book coming out onSeptember 30, so you can pre
order that now there is a linkin the show notes. Béa is a UCSF
trained family nursepractitioner, somatic
experiencing practitioner,Master, certified somatic life
coach, and the author of theforthcoming end emotional
(02:14):
outsourcing, a guide toovercoming codependent,
perfectionist and peoplepleasing habits. She's also a
breathwork meditation guide witha passion for helping humans
socialized as women to reconnectwith their bodies, regulate
their nervous systems and rewiretheir minds so they can break
free from codependency,perfectionism and people
(02:35):
pleasing and reclaim their joy.
She's also the host of thefeminist wellness podcast. Holds
a Master's Degree in PublicHealth from Boston University
School of Public Health, and abachelor's in Latin American
Studies from Oberlin College, myalma mater. She was born in Mar
del Plata Argentina. Béa grew upin the great state of Rhode
(02:56):
Island. She has been working inhealth and wellness for over 20
years, and lives with her wife,Bailey Albina and their handsome
all black cat weed. I had somuch fun with this conversation,
I am thrilled to share it withyou. I know you're going to see
how much fun we had together. Inthis episode, you will learn why
(03:18):
perfectionism, people pleasingand codependency are rooted in
emotional outsourcing, and howthat impacts your sense of
safety, belonging and worth. Thedifference between unhealthy
empathy and healthy, groundedempathy, and why empathy isn't
the issue. The issue isboundaries, hint, hint, somatic
practices and the brave processfor shifting perfectionist and
(03:38):
people pleasing habits ineveryday life, and how to build
self trust and regulate stressin small, sustainable steps that
support healthier, moreindependent relationships.
Before we get started, I do wantto acknowledge one of the things
in this episode we celebrate isthat we were able to survive,
and that we built these skillsets that supported us in making
(04:02):
it through the dynamics in ourlife, and something that we
didn't mention, that I want todo that here, which is just
because we had to be strong andbuild these skills that aren't
serving us anymore, but that wehad to to survive, and they are
(04:22):
worth celebrating. It is alsototally understandable and
important to grieve that we hadto do it because, just because
we did it and we're badassesdoesn't mean that it isn't sad
that we had to that there isn'tan emotional charge around
having to do that. So I justwant to acknowledge that here.
(04:45):
The other thing that I want tolet you know is that I have
recently set up a speak pipe,which will be linked in the show
notes, which basically is like alittle voice messenger where you
can click on the link click.
Click on the microphone buttonand record a 92nd little message
to me. So as I mentioned, everyepisode, I love to hear from
(05:08):
you. So if there is acelebration, an insight, a
question or a topic request forthe podcast, please click that
link, click the button, it'ssuper simple, and send me a
note. I would love to hear fromyou, and you can do it
anonymously. Okay, now, withoutfurther ado, let's get started.
(05:37):
Welcome Béa. I'm so excited tohave you on Mindset Unlimited.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (05:41):
I'm so happy to be here.
Valerie Friedlander (05:43):
Yeah, this is a real pleasure to meet a
fellow Obie.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (05:48):
Yay.
Valerie Friedlander (05:48):
So yeah.
Anyway, I'm looking forward tothis
Beatriz Victoria Albina (05:52):
It's special.
Valerie Friedlander (05:52):
Yeah, it is. It is. We are such a tight
community. I mean, there's likethe whole Obies marry Obies
thing, which I have fallen intoas well. But we just, we have a
we have a vibe.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (06:05):
Yeah, we really do. It's pretty
magical.
Valerie Friedlander (06:08):
It is. So that's a little sampling of you,
but tell us a little bit aboutwho you are.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (06:16):
Oh, yeah. So now my mind's only
thinking Oberlin, where I playedrugby, was in a food Co Op I did
like the most traditionallyweird Oberlin things back in the
day. But, okay, it's been 20years. Woman, have an identity.
Valerie Friedlander (06:31):
I mean, we have formative things, and I
feel like that
Beatriz Victoria Albina (06:35):
Oberlin was it.
Valerie Friedlander (06:36):
Oberlin was definitely one of them for me.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (06:39):
Oh, so good, so good. Listen, what do I
do now? Okay, so I am a Holisticnurse practitioner of the
science based branch, not thesnake oil based branch, a
delineation. I didn't have tosay out loud just one year ago,
but now I think it's soimportant to be like, I don't
think you all have parasites,and you don't have to detox them
under the full moon. Like, Ilove witchcraft, but that's a
(07:00):
bit much. Okay, so I'm afunctional medicine holistic
nurse practitioner. I have amaster's degree in public
health, because obese are nerds.
I am a master certified somaticlife coach, and I am a podcast
called feminist wellness, andthe author of this new book and
emotional outsourcing, how toovercome your codependent,
perfectionist and peoplepleasing habits. That hits the
shelves September 30, and I'm soexcited about it.
Valerie Friedlander (07:24):
Oh yes.
Well, I can't wait to talk aboutit, because so much of it hits
on so many things. The peoplewho are listening are gonna be
like, Oh, wow, yes, yes. Thisis, this is definitely my kind
of books. And I you gave awaythe nerd thing. That's one of
the ways I introduce myself, isand nerd, and there you go. Now
everybody knows.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (07:46):
Now everybody knows. I'm gonna go
out on a limb here and saypeople flock to the both of us
because nerd, yes, I think so,because nerd is best. What is
better than nerd?
Valerie Friedlander (07:58):
I truly don't know. Okay, so my next
question is, what is a limitthat you took for granted that
you have since unlearned? Ithink the labeling around nerd
as a kid is definitely one ofmine. But what about you?
Beatriz Victoria Albina (08:14):
Yeah, gosh, what is a limit I took for
granted? This question isactually really challenging for
me, and I think part of it isbecause I have this magnificent
ADHD brain. Here I am tagging,like, three minutes in, but I do
have this brain that, like,decides it's gonna do a thing
and just does it. Yes, you gottamean, even I do know what you
(08:36):
mean, right? When it's like,That's ridiculous. No one can do
that. Why would you do that?
What do you mean? You're gonnaquit medicine and become a life
coach. That's dumb, like thenumber of people who said that,
and my brain is just like itdoesn't see the limitations in a
way, right, which gets me in alot of trouble. Let me tell you
what, right? Because I leapbefore looking slowly. I'm like,
(08:58):
halfway down the canyon before Iwas like, Wait, should I have a
parachute? Well, we're gonnatuck and roll, I guess you know
what I mean. But you know, Ifeel like there was a point at
which I felt really stuck inlife and really held down by my
own emotional outsourcing, whichI'm sure we'll define in a
(09:21):
moment, and I didn't see a waythrough. And I think that was a
limitation where I didn't haveany modeling of good
communication, of truly doingwhat you wanted to in life, of
not being codependent, of notliving in profound resentment.
You know, I just had my parentsright? Like the way so many of
us do as, like, the the model ofwhat a romantic relationship can
(09:44):
be, and it wasn't looking cute,and I didn't realize that it
could look different, because Ihadn't really seen it, right? So
we're, I'm an immigrant. We cameto the US when I was. Little
kid. We escaped the Dirty War inArgentina, and we didn't have
friends like my parents didn'thave friends like. So there
(10:07):
weren't other couples around.
There weren't people around. Itwas a very quiet, little lonely
existence. And so I didn't seehealthy relating. And so I think
that was an internal limit ofnot knowing, yeah, what
connection that was honest andloving and truly kind versus
(10:27):
very nice. My parents are veryBut truly, deeply kind. I didn't
know what that could look like,yeah, and that is, in part like
my the work I did to leave a notgreat marriage and really
rewrite myself, was what led meeven deeper into the work I'm
doing, deeper into somatics,which started at Oberlin, right,
(10:49):
with improv dance and like doingall that somatic exploration. We
weren't calling it that then,because, you know, we're from
the 90s, but, but it's what wewere doing. And, yeah, yeah. All
that work to break through thelimit of what healthy relating
can look like, really is what,what fast forward many years,
(11:10):
led to this book, which I'm sureis going to be an instant
bestseller.
Valerie Friedlander (11:14):
Yeah. I mean, I think, I think it needs
to be.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (11:17):
I would agree.
Valerie Friedlander (11:18):
So, yeah, yeah. So all you listeners, all
you listeners, there are severalthings that you said that like,
jumped out at me. One of thethings, I think we'll talk more
about this too, because thatdifference of kind versus nice
and how we relate, like,basically that is, you can't
have conflict.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (11:37):
Wait, what? You can't have what? No, I
don't even know that word.
That'snot a word. I gotta go actually.
Valerie Friedlander (11:41):
Yeah, exactly!
It's been really nice talking.
Be well. Good luck.
Yeah.
Exactly. Conflict is dangerous.
You don't do that. That's
Beatriz Victoria Albina (11:54):
Lions.
Valerie Friedlander (11:55):
Yes, definitely lions. Well,
abandonment,
Beatriz Victoria Alb (11:58):
Rejection,
Valerie Friedlander (11:59):
Right? All of that. And so I want to, I
know we're going to get intothat, but one of the things that
you said when we're talkingabout limits, and I this really
relates to what you aredescribing, is the idea of, oh,
I'm, I'm just an empath. I heardsomebody recently share about
(12:20):
this experience that they hadwhere they called something out,
and I have been leaning a lotmore into calling things out,
even though it disrupts mynervous system, yeah, and
knowing that it's important,knowing that I need to use my
voice, I need to use myprivilege to say this is a
problem. But so often we go tothat label of, well, I am an
(12:43):
empath. And looking over some ofthe things that you've written
about and that you talk aboutwhen it comes to emotional
outsourcing, I would love foryou to to describe like that
relationship between empath andthat label we put on ourselves
and emotional outsourcing.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (13:01):
Yeah.
So I'll start by definingemotional outsourcing, yeah. So,
it is my umbrella term for ourcodependent, perfectionist and
people pleasing habits. And Icame up with this term because I
didn't like the other terms.
Right? Again, we're nerds.
Language matters. Words matter.
Words are spells, right? And so,co dependent. Get outta here.
(13:25):
I'm not codependent. I went toOberlin. I am a strong feminist
woman. I am an independentwoman. I am not co nothing. Get
outta here. But wait, is it okaythat I said that? Are you mad at
me? Valerie, oh, my god, are youmad at me that I said that?
Right?
Valerie Friedlander (13:41):
No, I'm not. It's okay.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (13:43):
I'll take it back. I'm so sorry. I
said I'm so sorry.
Valerie Friedlander (13:46):
Can we shut down this conversation?
Beatriz Victoria Albina (13:49):
Right?
Valerie Friedlander (13:50):
Yeah.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (13:51):
So doing every codependent thing
but hating the word.. what is...
What happens then you don't gethelp because you can't get help
for something you've completelyscrewed. That's not my problem,
because I'm all good help. Andthen you keep on living in the
same old lousy patterns. So truewith perfectionism. Because I
wasn't a perfectionist. I messedall kinds of things up. Do you
know I can't believe I'm goingto admit this. I got a 96 on an
(14:13):
exam once. Can you even imaginebeing that much of a failure?
Wow, so bad. Come on, failure.
Okay? And people pleaser, peopleare so upset with me all the
time, so I couldn't possibly bea people pleaser. I mean, I'm
working hard at it to keepeveryone happy always, right?
But you see how we get into thismorass of like, I'm not the
(14:34):
thing. So I guess I'll keepbeing the painful, really
challenging way I'm being. So Iwrote out a Venn diagram, like
like a nerd would do, andrealize what we're doing in all
three instances is outsourcing,frankly, our whole lives. We're
outsourcing our sense of thethree vital human needs, which
(14:58):
are, safety, belonging. Savingand worth, and we source them
from everyone and everythingoutside of ourselves, instead of
from within, at a great cost toself. And that's, that's the the
crux of it, right? It's thegreat cost to self, because I
love giving. I love caring. Ilove taking care of Yes, yes,
(15:21):
but, but, I give from myoverflow. Now, talk about a
limit, huh? I give from myoverflow. I give from my full
cup. I give from from energy Ihave to spare. And because I'm
not flinging my energy aroundeverywhere trying to make
everyone love me, I have so muchenergy to spare to take my
friend's soup and drive them tothe airport and be a loving
member of my community andvolunteer to translate, right?
(15:45):
Because I'm not leaking outeverywhere, subconsciously
trying to manipulate everyone tolike, love and approve of me.
Yeah, yeah. So that's how wedefine emotional outsourcing,
also as a way to move away fromidentity, right? I am a
codependent because I know we'regonna, we'll get into that a
little more, because that canjust jump off a bridge and as a
(16:06):
way to begin to contextualizethis in a very Oby way within a
sociopolitical reality. Yes, youasked me about empaths. Listen,
are some people empaths? Sureare most people who are like,
Oh, I'm just like, feelingeveryone's feelings all the
time, and that's deeplyimpacting me. What they're
really talking about is a lackof boundaries, of limits, of of
(16:31):
a clear delineation of where youstart and I stop, right, yes,
which is, which is the crux ofemotional outsourcing, because I
don't have my own feelings, myown thoughts, my own choices,
unless you think they're okay,what do you think I should do?
Do you like my shirt? Should Iwear? Should I go change? Right?
(16:53):
Everything's about you. Youcreate my life. And we do that
because we don't trustourselves, because we've been
trained up to trust othersinstead of ourselves, and
because we're always scared ofmaking a wrong, very wrong, very
terrible, wrong, bad decision,that if you make the decision
and I hate it, I'm not to blame,which is really convenient,
(17:15):
because I'm constantly beatingmyself up. So there's, there's
like one fewer thing to beatmyself up about. Great, right?
So, yes, I believe we can feelothers' feelings in a healthy,
grounded, beautiful,interdependent way, and it is my
(17:37):
experience. Having done this fora long time, I've already told
y'all, I'm from the 90s. Whenmost people say I'm an empath,
what they mean is I have veryporous boundaries, no grounded,
embodied, centered sense ofself, and I just let everyone's
energy flow into me and disruptmy internal systems, instead of
(17:59):
clearly knowing where I startand stop, and they do the same.
Valerie Friedlander (18:04):
Yeah, yeah.
I love the breakdown safety,belonging, worth and the
recognition of boundaries. Isone of the reasons why, you
know, I look at it like we wantto take off the unconscious
limits, but we still want tohave limits correct, because
we're in a body, and we can onlyhold so much, and we need to
have ownership of our own self.
(18:25):
Yes, and when we feel like oursense of self and our ability to
be okay is external to us, Imean, usually that's rooted in a
trauma response of that there,there. I feel unsafe, and so I
need to monitor and payattention to all of the things
outside of myself in order toprotect myself, to stay safe.
(18:48):
And there's I have been doing somuch unpacking of my own
programming. I did a trainingwith resmaa menakem A while back
where he talked about thedynamics of of you know, white
women, gatekeepers and that sortof thing. And I realized that
the patterns that I thought wereones that I got because I grew
(19:10):
up in a home impacted byalcoholism. So it was all about
protecting my dad's feelings sothat he would not need to go
drink, or he would not need tobe dis dysregulated, right? He
didn't, he didn't learn thetools to regulate his himself.
So I needed to become the personto help regulate the environment
(19:30):
so that he could be okay. Andthat was a safety mechanism that
I was conditioned to. But then Irealized, Oh, this is actually
like system wide. This is rootedin patriarchy, and this is
rooted in white supremacy, andall of these ways that we learn
to to be nice, to regulateexternally, so that we stay
(19:52):
safe. But what that does iscreate that awful space of I
don't have boundaries because Idon't know who I am, because my
energy is so out here, and. Sowhen I do speak up and I do
choose to disrupt the system, mynervous system gets all kinds of
out of whack. And you've talkedabout this in, I think it was an
Instagram that I watched ofyours where you were saying
(20:14):
something about, like,dysregulation isn't necessarily
bad, you know, I talk about,like, taking things out of this
binary and like, Ooh, Ishouldn't be dysregulated. I
need to make sure that I'malways regulated and like, but
does that. So would you talksome about that aspect?
Beatriz Victoria Albina (20:29):
With endless joy, because, well,
because capitalism is just doingto "nervous system regulation"
and "somatics," what it does toeverything else, which is trying
to make it like this palatablebite size, super simple thing,
Valerie Friedlander (20:43):
Another tool of the system. Let's
appropriate this so that we canuse it in this wellness
industry.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (20:52):
Oh, yeah. I saw, like, somatic
accounting sold to me onInstagram the other day. I was
like, what the actual f are youtalking about? So anyway, I
think we could go down thatpathway, maybe next episode,
Like I talk about word nerds.
I'm going to drill down to "Whatwe'll do that.
does that word mean?" "What arewe?" "What is that?" "What are
we talking about here?" "Couldwe?" I mean, that's that's why I
(21:13):
have a podcast, right, right? Iwant to last a couple episodes
back. I did one on empathy, andthat whole binary of is empathy
destroying the world? Is it whatheal the world? Well, actually,
that's not even the rightconversation, because exactly
what you just described when itcomes to empathy. So many layers
of that, anyway,So many layers, so much nuance.
So the question was, why wedon't need to be regulated all
(21:36):
the time?
Valerie Friedlander (21:38):
Yeah.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (21:39):
Hey, are you wearing pants? Did you
get out of bed? Did you havefood this morning? That's thanks
to the cortisol awakening curve.
So the the car, the cortisolawakening response happens about
30 minutes after you wake up.
Because science, it's natural weshould, our cortisol should go
up because, you know who's alsoawake, if, if the lights are on
(22:02):
outside, you know the big lightin the sky, that big red one,
lions, also tigers, also bears,right? So if the sun's out, get
up. Get out of your cave, golight the fire and be prepared
to survive on the Savannah. Ofevolution, one more day, we're
supposed to have somesympathetic activation. It's the
(22:23):
only way to get up in themorning. Try to, try crossing
the street in New York Citywithout adrenaline, without
sympathetic activation. Try it.
Good luck. Bon chance to leave.
I mean, Paris as well, right?
Like you, we need sympatheticactivation.
Valerie Friedlander (22:37):
Well, in these days, everywhere, because
everybody's on the phone.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (22:40):
Okay, well, there's also that fair,
yeah, but like, how about Gaza?
How about Sudan? How aboutCongo? How about Flint,
Michigan? How about DC undermartial law? How about... Please
have some sympatheticactivation. Please be pissed
off. Please be angry. Butlisten, I want sympathetic
activation and I want to spend anight that's more and more
(23:02):
frequent these days, sobbing myeyes out because people are
being starved to death, not justin one place, but in many.
Right? And I want to be verydysregulated about that... with
the capacity to regulate. Ohsay, yeah. So here's what
happens when we don't have theskills and tools to work with
(23:23):
our nervous system work withourselves somatically, when
we're in emotional outsourcingand we're living by default and
outside of intention, is thatwe're just moving and moving and
moving and moving and moving,and something pisses us off, so
we explode, and then we freakout, and then we throw the
thing, and then we are fine. Wedidn't actually process the
thing. We just keep moving andkeep moving right? And so that's
(23:44):
when we're dysregulated in thereally scientifically dangerous
way, meaning we have thesechronic elevations in stress
hormones that lead to actualharm to the vascular epithelium,
to the lining of our bloodcells. I mean, the data is this
very robust. And I'm not thefirst nerd to be out here being
(24:05):
like, stress is bad, but youknow, it's, it's a, it's a
robust, evidence based sensestress that you're not looking
at in the snout. Yes, becausewhen I am sobbing my eyes out. I
know why, and I know how to selfsoothe when the feeling has
moved all the way through mybody. And that's a skill we
(24:26):
need, yeah, is to be present tothe emotion, not to regulate it
away. Unless you're driving onI95 through New Bedford, unless
you know what I mean, you'relike, coming off the loop, and
you've got emerge in Chicago,please regulate yourself.
Valerie Friedlander (24:45):
Yeah.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (24:46):
Right?
Or you're trying to poop inpeace and a toddler's like,
pulling your pants for the 400just regulate yourself before
you scream at someone I don'tknow, two feet tall.
Valerie Friedlander (24:57):
Yeah.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (24:57):
Right?
So we regulate ourselves. Goesaway from having our full
emotion because we are kind andloving animals in a society, but
it's about choicefulness. Andwhen we're in the depths of
emotional outsourcing, we are asfar from agency and
choicefulness as humanlypossible. We're trying, as you
said earlier, no conflict. Inever heard of her. No, I don't,
(25:21):
I don't, I don't know what thatis. No, I don't know.
Everything's fine. I'm fine.
It's totally fine. We're good,we're good, it's fine, it's
fine. Are you good? Are youhappy? You all may make your
saying, what you find, are youmad at me? You're mad at me. I'm
sorry. What did I do? I'm sorry.
Right? We're living in thischase of other people's
approval, other people's safety.
So do we need to be regulatedall the time? Absolutely not.
(25:44):
That's robots. That's, I don'tknow, monotonous. That's not
being a human. That's not thefull breadth and depth of human
life. We should get very angryand very sad and profoundly
joyful, right? Yeah. I mean, mycat will go through all of those
emotions, like, six minutes,right?
Valerie Friedlander (26:06):
I have an orange one, so it's like, I love
you I love you... Rawr! Stop it!
Beatriz Victoria Albina (26:08):
They've got the one brain cell, and I
love the orange so much.
Valerie Friedlander (26:14):
Yeah, yeah.
They're great. So, so a lot ofthe listeners have heard me talk
about, like, some of the thethings that go into, okay? Well,
we need both and stepping into,as I just mentioned, stepping
into those spaces of it's timeto start speaking up. It's okay.
This is a habit that we havethat the nervous system, we're
(26:35):
pushing past a boundary that welearned a long time ago, and
there's going to be somedysregulation there, because it
feels unsafe, because our systemhas learned this is unsafe to
speak up and to be kind. Andthen I also just had this
conversation talking about, Iengage conflict out of love.
Yes, right? I show up to this.
(26:56):
I'm willing to show up toconflict because I care, and
maybe it's I care about you, andso I'm willing to show up to the
discomfort of this conflict, thetension of this conflict,
because I care about you, and Iam willing to show up to the PTA
meeting where I need to call outsome behavior that's harmful to
(27:21):
people who are in this school,that is because I love. Because
I love the people, because Icare. And doing that from this
place of love versus this placeof just anger and and all of the
things that are fueling thesystems that we're in right now,
(27:41):
and I wonder when I think aboutshowing up out of care, some of
that is also I have to let go ofthe outcome, right? I have to
let go of how you receive thislike I'm going to show up to you
with love, and you might notever want to talk to me again.
Boy is that upsetting? Boy Doesthat hurt? Boy Does that hit
(28:03):
like all of the reasons why Ijust want to be nice and I don't
want to be right kind and showup with love, and we need tools
to be able to process whathappens. And the thing that
we're afraid of, thatabandonment right? We're wired
for belonging, that abandonmentcould happen, right? And what
(28:24):
are we more attached to? What doyou offer in terms of, you know,
maybe it's a maybe it's aprocess or a check in, or a way
to to be with oneself in thoseinstances where we want to show
up and everything, both from wayback when, when we learned these
(28:47):
things that this is dangerous,to now, when I don't want to
lose this friendship, or I don'twant to get the retaliation that
I might face from the schoolsystem, or, you know, showing up
to All right, how do I deal withme first? Because what I'm
hearing you say is that I needto deal with the me part to be
(29:09):
able to do those things. I needto have that intentionality and
that regulation within myself,or at least awareness that,
okay, I'm going to, I'm going toget dysregulated right now. So
like, here we are. I'mdysregulated already, and I'm
going to lean into that. And I'mnot just going to soothe it away
and try and make it you know,like, put the band aid on. I'm
going to address the gangrene,right?
Beatriz Victoria Albina (29:31):
And so those are, in their way,
separate processes towards thesame end. And I also, before it
leaves my mind, I wanted, yeah,you talked about addressing the
friend, even though you mightlose the friend. And the phrase
that came to me is in Spanish,"mejor sola que mala companada,"
"better alone than poorlyaccompanied," right? Like better
(29:53):
than being in bad company. And,man, that one's done me some
good to remember that.
Valerie Friedlander (29:59):
Yeah. Yeah, and trusting that, even if
they're not there right now,that maybe they'll, they'll take
that and learn I've had to takesome really unpleasant tasting
medicine and go sit with it fora while before I could come back
to a relationship and go, Okay,I digested what you needed to
give me, and thank you for that.
And and now I'm ready to moveforward with you.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (30:22):
Right?
But that there in you'remodeling for all of us the
process of being in relationalregulation, right? To be able to
say, like, oh, okay, I'm feelingmyself get a little activated.
What you said really, like, myinitial feeling is like, ouch,
that really hurts and and I haveenough, enough presence and
(30:46):
embodiment, and I'm at homewithin myself enough that I
don't have to make it about me,but I recognize It's for me,
right? There's a little nuancethere. Yeah, back upon me, but
it's to help me, should I chooseit? And to then regulate
(31:08):
yourself to say, like, I'm notgoing to swipe at my friend who
comes to me with love and care.
And so then I can go away andhave my big anger, or have my
big sad, like have the big cry,have them both at the same time,
and then come back to them inthat regulated way, like you
(31:29):
just modeled something reallypotent that I think a lot of
folks that are deep in emotionaloutsourcing have no access to.
And so to those with no access,I will say we need to learn
somatic practices to ground andregulate ourselves, and we need
to practice them when we're notin the boiling water, when we're
(31:52):
not right going home to visitour parent with substance use,
when we're not confrontinganything, when things are super
copacetic and super chill, like,when you're in a nice warm
shower, right? And your family'staken care of, all you're
thinking about is, is yourconditioner? That's when I want
(32:14):
you to practice somaticpractices, right?
Valerie Friedlander (32:18):
Can you give us an example?
Beatriz Victoria Albina (32:21):
Yeah for sure, and so I'll say that
yeah. So my my process is thebrave process. B, body first. R,
recognize your outsourcing. A,ask what you want. V, voice self
loyalty and E, encourageyourself. So we start with body
first. I love thought work. Ilove a sort of CBT framework
(32:43):
where, you know the stoics welook at our thinking, we ask
ourselves, if I like my way ofthinking, we work with our
mindset phenomenal, all thenerdy nerdies, and it keeps us
living from the neck up, whichcan only take us so far, because
our minds are also the place ofour socialization and
conditioning under thepatriarchy, white settler
colonialism and late stagecapitalism, in addition to our
(33:06):
family of origins and all theirsurvival skills, right? So some
wild percent of our thoughts arethat they're not really yours,
right? You heard your dad saythem. You heard your Uncle say
them. You heard a teacher or
Valerie Friedlander (33:20):
a TV show or whatever
Beatriz Victoria Albina (33:23):
and so they got imprinted, right and
implanted. And the thoughts youkeep thinking of the thoughts
you have on repeat, and theybecome your identity, until you
can drop into the body. Becausethrough the body, we can find
other narratives. We can findother ways of being. We can find
wisdom and our own truth beyondour habitual thoughts, because
our habitual thoughts will keepus in a habitual posture towards
(33:46):
life, and a habitual nervoussystem state in relationship to
life, right? You put dinner downand someone makes like a little
face, your habitual nervoussystem reaction and then thought
is empathetic activation.
Thought, they don't like it.
They don't like me. I've failed.
I'm a terrible mom. Oh my god,I'm the worst everyone's gonna
know. I'm terrible. I'm gonnadie cold and alone on a
(34:06):
mountaintop. So in coming to thebody and taking a different
posture towards it, right,different grounding. Hey, I see
you made a face when I putdinner down. What's that about,
Oh, nothing. I just, you know, II'm four, and so I don't like
things that are read this week.
(34:27):
Oh, okay. Oh, okay, and not thespiral towards your own lonely
Doom, right?
Valerie Friedlander (34:35):
Yes.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (34:36):
So body first, the invitation is to come
into the body. And will alwayscaveat for those of us for whom
the body was the site of trauma,that might not be a great idea.
And if that's you, and if you'relike, Nah, girl, I'm not into
the body, forget about you. Juststay on the border of the body.
So what others might do a bodyscan, maybe you get present to
(34:57):
where your skin meets the airand the only energy going into
the body is with your directsay. So how do we come into the
body? We do two vital things.
And if this is the only thinganyone takes from this whole
conversation, I die happy.
Orienting. So we do an orientinganchor scan. So the nervous
(35:20):
system when activated, whendysregulated, time travels. So
it's not in the here and nowwith us here and now. It's in
the past when the scary thinghappened, or ruminating towards
the future when the scary thingmight happen. And so in order to
help ground the nervous system,regulate the nervous system, we
need to remind it of when weare. Yes, who we are, but when
(35:44):
we are. And we do that quitesimply by looking around. And I
know it sounds banal, it's liketoo easy to work, but, but try
it when you're freaking out, butit works. So we literally just
look around and take in yourenvironment. You know, we have
senses for a reason, and so wecan use them, right? What do you
(36:05):
see? Literally. Name it. Door.
trampoline. I love mytrampoline. Painting. Lamp.
Book. Cat. What do you see? Whatdo you smell? What do you taste?
And the more towards punchingsomeone in the snout you are,
the more senses I'm going toinvite you to bring on board.
Right? What does your arm feellike? What does your shirt feel
(36:26):
like? What does your hair feellike? Smell your hair that
smells like. My nice condition,I just got a new conditioner.
I'm pretty obsessed. Reallyengage your senses. Then find
your feet and find the floor sowhen we can connect in with the
Earth, we can remember thatwe're held. We can remember
we're not alone, right? We canremember that we're these tiny,
(36:49):
beautiful things on this earth,and that we are always in
community, whether we feel likeit or not.
Valerie Friedlander (36:57):
Yeah, one of my teachers, Kai, said, that
our first and most stableattachment is to the earth.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (37:05):
Yeah.
And I think before colonialismand capitalism, it was for all
of us, right?
Valerie Friedlander (37:12):
Yeah, well, it's returning to that. So,
like, that's, you know,remembering, oh, this is,
Beatriz Victoria Albina (37:18):
this is my true whole place.
Valerie Friedlander (37:20):
Yes, well, that's one of the problems. Is
how disconnected we are. Butanyway, that's from that. And so
tapping into your feet and theearth..
Yes. And next, we recognize whenwe're outsourcing. And this is
not, I didn't say callingourselves out. I didn't say
catch ourselves. I don't likecarceral language. Nobody needs
(37:41):
another cop, right? We noticeand we notice gently, so the way
to prepare ourselves for this isto make a list of your emotional
outsourcing habits and to makeit ahead of time. When I say
something slightly vulnerable, Itend to watch everyone's face to
see if I'm okay. Write it downwhen there's a big decision to
(38:03):
make, or any tiny decision whereto go for dinner that I need to
make for more than just myself,I outsource it because I don't
want to disappoint anyone,because I'm scared rejection
trail right from the banal tothe deepest things. Write down
what you tend to do in aperfectionist, codependent
people pleasing habit set. We'regoing to treat this as
(38:26):
information, not somethingthat's wrong with you. My hair
is brown. I tend to be aperfectionist in this way. I
wear a size 10 shoe. I tend tobe a people pleaser. In this
way, neutral facts, becausethey're survival skills, right?
And so we're never here to judgethem, and the clearer you can
get on them ahead of time, themore you can recognize them.
Like birders know what they'relooking for. They know who's in
(38:49):
Central Park this time of year.
They don't just go out and go,Well, let's see what... you
know? Like, you know what you'relooking for, know the patterns,
Yeah, know the patterns. Andthey're just they're there
because there's a reason thatthey were there. At some point
they made sense.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (39:03):
Yeah! Frankly, because you're freaking
brilliant,
Valerie Friedlander (39:05):
Yeah! How badass that you did that.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (39:08):
Right?
Valerie Friedlander (39:08):
Like that you learned how to survive. Wow.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (39:12):
So good. Next, once you've noticed,
oh, I'm doing the thing, I wantto invite you to get, get, like,
a little like me, like, Where'sWaldo? You know when you're the
first kid to find Waldo? Man, 10points to me goes in my
permanent record like that.
Like, oh, I noticed the thing. Aof brave. What do I actually
want? Not what they want, notwhat will keep you out of
(39:34):
trouble and that will keeppeople from having feelings.
What do you want? Now, 9.974% ofout of 10 people are going to
say, I don't know.
Valerie Friedlander (39:45):
I was about to say the I don't know I feel
like is another pattern that'slike, Oh, hey, there's something
else there.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (39:52):
Yeah.
So we've got with two things tosay to this. We ask to ask, we
do not ask because we want ananswer. Yeah. How's that for
flipping that paradigm, we askso that our spirit hears us
asking and knows that, oh, thatmammal cares enough about me
exactly. It's like opening thedoor, right? We ask just to ask.
(40:12):
You don't get an answer. Whocares you didn't have an answer
anyway. So what would you lose?
But you heard yourself matterenough to you to ask, yes, once
you're comfortable with that,I'll invite you when you hear I
don't know, here's your retort,okay, brain, you don't know, but
if you did know, what would youwant? It is some coaching Jiu
(40:37):
Jitsu. I don't know how it isthat it works every time, but
it's masterful. I do it to myclients, I do it to my wife, I
do it to myself. But if youknow, I know you don't know,
honey pie, it's fine. Don'tworry about it. But if you did
know, and then my brain's like,oh, potatoes, yeah, obviously.
But the brain that two secondsago was like, oh my god, I could
(40:58):
never choose, I don't know.
Wild.
Valerie Friedlander (41:01):
Well, that's the protector part.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (41:02):
Yeah.
Valerie Friedlander (41:02):
It's a different part of yourself
that's like, activating. It'slike, I'm I gotta protect you
from saying the wrong thing. Andthen, well, you, you just kind
of like, okay, thanks for, youknow, protection. And if you
did,
Beatriz Victoria Albina (41:14):
And if you did, it's magical. It's so
good. And then you voice a smallact of self loyalty. And the
operative word here is small,tiny. So in my world, I think, I
think that baby steps are aridiculous ask. That's like two
and a half three inches. That'sa too big ask.
Valerie Friedlander (41:36):
Yeah.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (41:37):
In my world, we take kitten steps,
yeah, newborn, itty bitty baby,kitten steps, hypoallergenic.
Don't worry about it. Likeinchworm. Yeah, it's like,
inchworm steps, like theteeniest, freaking tiniest,
tinier. And I hear everyonesetting their goals, and I'm
like, tinier. So why do we dothis, if we live with this
(41:58):
profound fear of failure and notgetting it right, and everything
being terrible. What do we do?
We say, You know what? I haven'texercised since the Presidential
Fitness Test in the 80s. I'm runthe New York City marathon
tomorrow. That's tomorrow.
Great. Yeah, I'm gonna, that'sgonna be, that's gonna work out
well for my hammies, right? Likewe go from zero to hero, but we
(42:20):
we don't get to where we want togo because we fall on our snout
two steps in. So I encourage usto create self loyalty and self
trust by making the winsinevitable. If you want to go to
the gym, if you want to startexercising this this week,
(42:42):
you're gonna consider whatrunning shoes you might buy.
That's it. That's it. So thenwhen you win at that, you get a
little dopamine, you get alittle oxytocin. We get a little
you get high on your own supplyin the best way, and it'll
motivate you towards doing thenext thing that that's on your
(43:04):
path to whatever it is you mostwant, but kitten step size. So
in an example of emotionaloutsourcing, let's say you're at
that PTA meeting and you wereasked to make cupcakes again,
and you got to make the glutenfree and the dairy free, and the
and the and the free. And yourold habit is to go absolutely
(43:26):
through gritted teeth. Sure,yeah, I can do that. Well,
meanwhile, inside you're like, Iwould rather chew glass. Like,
no thank you. So the baby stepis to say no, thank you. Don't
even try it. My kitten step. Letme get back to you. Then what's
the tiniest thing? Don't try tosay no to someone's face. Don't,
(43:48):
don't do that. Don't do that,because then you're going to get
feel guilty and you're going tofold like an origami swan. And
then what was the point? Whatwas the point? There was no
point. Let me get back to you,right? Do the tiniest little
thing. That's how you startbecoming your own safe place.
And then E in Brave is forencourage yourself like you
would a best friend. And when Itell you that in this household
(44:11):
and in my coaching world, wecelebrate the tiniest things,
and we do all day long, right?
So, baby in our Where's Waldogame? Ooh, I noticed. I noticed,
have a friend that you text,have a victories journal, right?
And really cheer yourself on,Shine yourself up. Why not?
Valerie Friedlander (44:30):
Yeah.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (44:31):
Right, why not? And I hear the why not
is because so many of ussocialize as women. We're taught
that that's selfish to behumble, right? I can hear all
the Catholicism coming in,right? I can hear all the like,
all many effect will tell awoman to be smaller and smaller
and smaller. And I hear that.
And I'll simply invite you toask, Do I really want to live
(44:53):
that way? Do I really want tolive that. Way, is that what I
want for my as far as we know,one human life? Or do I maybe
want to do this differently?
Huh? And then when your brainspeaks out, oh, it's wrong and
(45:14):
it's bad. Okay, who's it gonnahurt? But, like, really, make
your brain answer it. Oh, well,I was just taught that's not an
answer.
Valerie Friedlander (45:23):
Yeah.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (45:24):
Right.
Push the rhetoric to its edges.
Women should be Oh, okay, sure.
Why?
Valerie Friedlander (45:31):
Yeah.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (45:33):
Right, and just see where you can get
to. And most of my clients getto, oh, forget about it. I'd
rather feel good about myself,because also then, if we're
going to stay in the same sortof morality clause, you are
kinder to customer service andto waitresses and to
receptionists and to your ownfamily. So if our central tenant
is kindness, start with you. Itripples out. You know?
Valerie Friedlander (45:56):
Truly.
Yeah, absolutely. I love that.
That is...
Beatriz Victoria Albina (46:00):
Be brave.
Valerie Friedlander (46:02):
Be brave. I love, I love that breakdown. And
I have a cheat sheet that I giveto people that is like, things
to say. Basically, you can,like, put it on your phone where
it's just like, you know, let meget back to you. Basically, it's
like, helping that art of thepause,
Beatriz Victoria Albina (46:18):
Yes.
Valerie Friedlander (46:19):
Like, where it's really hard we we feel like
we have urgency, urgency. Yougot to respond right away. You
got to do the thing right awayand say, don't I even say, like,
if you are super activated andyou don't know what to do, I had
to use bathroom.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (46:31):
Yes, I love the loo!
Valerie Friedlander (46:33):
Go to the bathroom. It's totally like, if
you have nothing else, like youdon't feel comfortable saying,
"Let me get back to you." Or,"I'm not sure." "I gotta think
about it." "Let me check mycalendar." "Let me..." whatever.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (46:46):
Go to the bathroom. And then when you
get to the bathroom, count yourfingers. This is a super
applicable one. So when ouramygdala, the fear center, big
emotion center in the brain andthe reptile brain and the limbic
system, is turned on, it's blackor white. It's binary cat,
that's a tabby cat, that's avillage,
(47:13):
gonna buy into other people'surgency. It'll become our
emergency. You brilliantly, goto the loo once there. If you're
too fast, you gotta show yourbody slow. If you're too slow,
you gotta show your body fast,but gently so you're revving,
you're racing, you're anxious.
Oh my god. What did what did shesay? That mean thing? Did I hear
what there was, take your thumband tap your first finger, your
(47:37):
pointer finger, and slowly, likeannoyingly slowly, say one. New
York finger and say two. Ringfinger and say three. Pinky and
say four. And you're gonna comeback 4321, but so slow that you
(47:58):
want to, like, reach throughyour podcast app and strangle
me. That's fine. I'm availablefor it. And then, if you're
like, you know you're inconflict, and you kind of just
check out. Wait what? Sorry.
Were you yelling at me? I just Iwent into dorsal shutdown, and I
(48:19):
froze, and I.. what? That. Whichcan happen in a boardroom or a
PTA or anywhere, we're gonna tapour fingers a little faster and
we're gonna go, 123432112344321,to start bringing a little
adrenaline right? Gentle, gentleadrenaline right? To start
(48:40):
bringing a little life forceenergy, a wee bit of chi, if you
will, into the system, right?
Bring that prana up. Putwhatever word you want on it. I
couldn't care less, but bringthat life force energy... Yeah?
To justrev you up. So those are that's
Valerie Friedlander (48:55):
Yeah.
one of, like, the easiestthings, and in my experience,
Oh, that's brilliant.
it's about us. Like a three yearold can easily do that. The
counting is challenging, but theslow tap, like, Okay, I hear
you. You're really, reallyupset. Can we? Let's do finger
taps first, and then they get soabsorbed in it, yeah, that the
(49:17):
tantrum. Sometimes it halfmelted. So that's a good tip for
parents and caregivers too.
Yeah, yeah, good luck with that.
I love it. Yeah, it's a goodone. It's fun, because it really
works. I have a client who hasher whole middle school room do
Beatriz Victoria Albina (49:31):
Talk about Co-regs. Yeah.
it. So like, if someone getsupset in the room, she has them
all stand and all of them tap together.
Valeri (49:45):
Co-regulation is so key.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (49:47):
Can you imagine being an upset eight
year old and you're not sent tothe coroner or sent to the
principal or sent to detention,but instead I'm gonna cry like
20 something other kids stand upand. Slowly count to support
you. Oh, Valerie, I'm gonna cry.
How tender is that?
Valerie Friedlander (50:06):
We need that. We need that so badly.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (50:10):
Yeah, but it starts with us. It starts
at home.
Valerie Friedlander (50:12):
Yeah, there's so much. I have really
enjoyed this conversation.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (50:17):
Me too.
Me too.
Valerie Friedlander (50:18):
We hit on so many, so many things. I'm
thrilled to read your book.
Very, very exciting. Can't wait.
And so soon.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (50:25):
So soon! Yeah, so soon. So it hits
the shelf September 30. You canpre order now at my website,
Beatrizalbina.com/book, we'vegot all the major booksellers
up, so you take your choice. Andfor folks who don't know pre
orders really, really matter,because it tells the publisher
how many copies to literallyprint. So if you're I'm going to
(50:47):
speak for both of us, someonewho loves the library and is
like libraries are the heart ofdemocracy, it actually helps get
the book into libraries, if itdoes better in pre order,
because it helps the librariesto get bigger bulk orders. I
just learned that yesterday, thebulk orders and so what better
reason to pre order a book thanto support your local library?
(51:08):
That's pretty cool.
Valerie Friedlander (51:10):
Yeah, well, there will be a link in the show
notes to your website and yourInstagram.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (51:16):
Thank you.
Valerie Friedlander (51:17):
And bookshop.org? You have it on
bookshop.org?
Beatriz Victoria Albina (51:20):
Of course.
Valerie Friedlander (51:21):
Okay, cool, because that's I stopped linking
to Amazon. I only link tobookshop.org.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (51:26):
Yeah, yeah. Of course, of course, of
course.
Valerie Friedlander (51:27):
So that'll be in the book rack on bookshop
that I have for all the booksthat are recommended in this
podcast. So definitely y'all gocheck it out. It is linked in
the show notes. And thank you somuch for joining me. And as we
wrap up, I like to ask a couplequestions. One is, what does it
(51:50):
mean to you to be unlimited?
Beatriz Victoria Albina (51:53):
To live in interdependence instead of
emotional outsourcing, so tolive as an autonomous human who
knows my own limits andboundaries in the best of ways,
and who lives with mutuality andreciprocity with everyone in my
world.
Valerie Friedlander (52:08):
Yeah, you know, as you said that though,
thing that struck me to what yousaid earlier about stepping out
of the idea of codependency asan identity, we often say I'm
codependent. Do we ever say I'ma interdependent? Like, I never
hear anybody say I'm aninterdependent,
Beatriz Victoria Albina (52:25):
No, but let's do it, because that's an
identity I can get with.
Valerie Friedlander (52:28):
It is an identity, but, like, we never
say that. We say I'm independentor I am codependent, but we
don't say I am aninterdependent,
Beatriz Victoria Albina (52:36):
Okay, we used to not, but, yeah, we do
Valerie Friedlander (52:39):
Yeah, we do now. We do know. So when you
now.
want to tap into that unlimitedfeeling, what song do you listen
to?
Beatriz Victoria Albina (52:47):
I would say, Gracias A La Vida -
Mercedes Sosa or Fito Paez,anything by Fito Paez, Argentine
rock, I'm going to go to myroots, because the stuff you
like, you know.
Valerie Friedlander (52:58):
Yeah.
The little kiddo stuff. Yeah.
Fito Paez.
Is there a particular song?
Beatriz Victoria Albina (53:03):
My God, everything. Oh, he did this tour
last year where he played on hismost popular album, from start
to finish at Madison SquareGarden. And I just sobbed, and I
like, was looking around, andeveryone in the audience was
standing up, pumping our fists,which is like an embarrassing
Argentine thing we do when wegot excited and sobbing, men,
(53:24):
women, children, all, every agesand gen... everyone was sobbing.
God, we love our national rock.
Valerie Friedlander (53:32):
Yeah, there's a whole thing about,
like, a whole album, right? Thatjust is.... But for the playlist
sake I can't put a whole album.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (53:41):
No. I mean, that'd be a bit much.
Valerie Friedlander (53:43):
But I will link to the whole album so that
people can listen to it.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (53:45):
I do recommend it.
Valerie Friedlander (53:46):
So it'll be there too. So, y'all gotta go
check out the show notes. I knowI always say that, but like,
really...
Beatriz Victoria Albina (53:52):
Well, you put effort into them. People
should go check it out.
Valerie Friedlander (53:54):
I do, oh my gosh. Can we talk? We're not
gonna talk about show notes.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (53:54):
Next time, next time, we'll do a
whole episode about show notes.
Valerie Friedlander (53:59):
An episode about show notes...
Beatriz Victoria Albina (54:02):
Okay, great.
Valerie Friedlander (54:03):
Thank you so much for joining me today.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (54:06):
Thank you!
Valerie Friedlander (54:06):
It has been such a pleasure.
Beatriz Victoria Albina (54:07):
Truly.
Valerie Friedlander (54:08):
I hope you enjoyed listening to this
episode as much as I didrecording it. I really
appreciate that you are here andjust a reminder that if you have
any insights that you'd like toshare, any appreciations, any
questions or any topics youwould like me to engage on this
podcast. There is a new link inthe show notes to record a short
(54:33):
voice memo to me. It's supereasy. Click the link, a little
thing pops up and you click onthe microphone and you record a
little message that goes to me.
You can send it anonymously ifyou want, or you can put in your
email if you would like a directresponse from me. I love, love,
love to hear from you. And ifyou are looking for support to
engage any of these dynamics inyour life, please reach out. I
(54:57):
offer a free Expo. Inspirationcall, and I am more than happy
to chat with you no pressure. Wefind if it's a good fit to work
together, what that might looklike that would be a best fit
for what you're looking for,your goals, your finances, all
the fun stuff, and then we gofrom there. So thank you again,
so much for listening. Go checkout Bea's book, and I will talk
(55:19):
to you all next time.
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