December 28, 2024 • 16 mins
Navigating the reality of father absence is paramount for single mothers who strive to support their children emotionally. The episode dives into the reasons for paternal absence, how to engage children in healthy conversations about it, and the resources that can help both parent and child thrive in this dynamic.
• Understanding the reasons behind father absence
• The importance of narrative when discussing a father's role
• Recognizing and addressing behavioral changes in children
• Resources available for emotional support
• Maintaining connections with the father's family
• Long-term effects of absence on a child's identity
• Strategies for effective co-parenting and conflict resolution
• Breaking generational cycles of abandonment and neglect
Take action and consult the resources discussed in this episode to foster a supportive environment for your child.
https://singlemomsunitedpodcast.com/
It's not how you arrived at the title, but what you do with it.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Hey ladies, welcome to the Single Moms United
podcast.
If this is your first timejoining, welcome, and if you are
a repeat listener, thank youfor your loyalty.
It's not about how you arrivedat the single mom title, but
it's definitely what you do withit.
(00:23):
This podcast is designed toencourage and motivate you,
single mom, and also invitecritical thinking when it comes
to your parenting skills.
So this is not aone-size-fits-all.
Again, hopefully, you can takesome things away and say, hmm, I
never thought of it like that.
(00:44):
Let me see, this is something Ishould consider right when it
comes to parenting.
That's what this is all aboutand hopefully, by the time this
podcast is over, or this episodeis over, you are able to go
back and feel motivated or atleast start thinking about wow,
(01:05):
I never considered that.
If you have been following meover these past few weeks, you
know I've been focusing on theletter I and extracting word
choices that link back to theletter I and I thought it's
something a little different, alittle creative, to hopefully
(01:26):
keep you coming back right andsay, oh, what's the next word
going to be?
This is just designed toencourage you and invite that
critical thinking that isrequired as a parent, right,
because we're no longer justnurturers and providers, we are
educators, we are mentors.
(01:47):
So we're not just moms, we'reeducating and we're setting
examples for our children sothat they can be productive in
this world.
All right, I know you've beenwaiting, so I'm not going to
prolong it any further.
So what are we talking abouttoday, all right?
Well, I'm so glad you asked methe letter I and the word
(02:11):
invisible.
Yeah, the invisible man.
Once upon a time there was amovie called the Invisible man.
I don't know if they still haveany newer editions or not, but
Once Upon a Time was called theInvisible man.
I don't know if they still haveany newer editions or not, but
once upon a time it was calledthe Invisible man.
But, for the sake of thisexercise, we're talking about
fathers, right, that are nolonger involved in their kids'
(02:36):
lives.
Yeah, that's what we're goingto talk about today.
So this is going to be a littleintense and it might be a
little uncomfortable.
Maybe a lot uncomfortablebecause, as moms, we're more
than moms.
We're mentors, we're educators.
What do you do or say when thefather of your child or children
(02:57):
is no longer active in theirlife?
What's your approach?
Well, the first thing you haveto do is understand why he is
absent.
Why did he suddenly turn intothe invisible man?
What happened?
Did divorce occur?
Were y'all married?
After the divorce, he said seeya.
(03:18):
Did his living situation change?
Jail is definitely an option.
Or he moved.
He moved out of town, herelocated or, the most common
one, he's in a new relationshipand made the choice for a fresh
start.
Or he no longer wants tointeract with you because he
believes it's a package deal.
(03:40):
If he gets the child, he has todeal with you.
That's true, but you all shouldbe able to work through that
and say listen, we can co-parentand be fair about that.
The child needs this.
It's no longer about you, it'sno longer about him, it's about
the child.
And sometimes they get lost intranslation with adult issues
(04:08):
and, yes, the relationshipdidn't work out and that's okay,
but we have to think about thechild.
We have to think about thechildren.
If y'all just argued all thetime, yeah, the child is put in
the mix of that and this is thereason why and he might be
trying to spare the child fromgoing through all that emotional
(04:28):
turmoil.
So, as a result, he says youknow what I'm out Deuces.
Gotta go See ya.
But you all should be able towork that out and know how to
put in a plan for conflictresolution, right?
Sometimes you have to agree todisagree to get along, and
that's okay.
(04:48):
I learned that the hard way,right, you don't have to.
Well, I learned to pick mybattles.
How about that?
I learned to say, okay, weagree to disagree, right, and if
it's nothing detrimental, thenby golly.
What are we arguing about?
So he wants to bring the childback at seven o'clock on Sunday
(05:09):
and you want the child home atsix o'clock Whoop-de-doo, it's
an hour.
Why are we arguing about this?
If it's not impacting themgetting to bed on time, then
what are we arguing about?
Just as me, pick your battles,mom, all right.
Once you uncover the why he isabsent, now you need to
(05:32):
determine how you educate thechild.
Sometimes it's not going to bethat intense, because it depends
on how involved he was in thechild's life.
You know, was it consistent orwas it just birthdays and
holidays?
Hmm, so if it's just birthdaysand holidays, he'd show up and
say, hey, I'm here.
(05:52):
See, then the response and whatyou're going to chat with your
child about is probably notgoing to be very intense, right,
because he's not there most ofthe time.
But if he was there and then hestopped showing up, then yeah,
you still want to have thatconversation.
But if he has been consistentlyin their lives and I'm talking
(06:20):
about every other day or everyday type of involvement then
that's going to take a littlemore in depth and sitting down
and having a conversation withthem.
And part of that conversationis it's not your fault.
Children will take on thatownership of why he left, but
it's up to you, mom, to explainit's not your fault.
(06:41):
You all just couldn'tcorrespond with each other any
longer.
So as a result of that, he wentnext door and you're still here
, but he still loves them and heshould reflect that as well.
That should not just come fromyou mom, you know, because one
of the things that can happen isit can be emotionally traumatic
(07:05):
for that child, with somethingthey can carry into adulthood.
They're developing thatresentment and growing
resentment as life goes on andthat's not fair to them.
You all should be able to workthrough things for the child,
and then you also have to watchout for behavioral changes
(07:28):
Acting out All of a sudden theywere doing really great in
school and now they're not.
What happened?
Because he's no longer comingaround, he's no longer showing
up, he's not calling, he's notdoing any of these things.
So now what is your childsupposed to do?
But act out right.
(07:48):
So keep that in mind.
So now you have to look atresources.
What resources are available tohelp you through this?
You're okay with him leavingbecause, depending on what
happened during the relationship, you're probably like see you
later, good riddance.
But you have a child or youhave children that are going to
(08:12):
have to accept him not being intheir lives.
And how do you do that?
All right, well, I'm so gladyou asked me right, so you want
to.
If you can talk to some schoolsand see what type of counseling
is available, I would startthere.
And then, if you know of atherapist or family counseling
(08:33):
that's available, you might wantto consult that as well.
Especially if you don't knowhow to present or communicate
what happened, you can beinvolved and allow someone else
to help communicate that.
Actually, it will be supportfor both you and the child that
actually it will be support forboth you and the child.
(08:53):
Once y'all leave there, you'llknow how to continue to nurture
your child and provide thatsupport that they need.
And I would also encourage youto seek if you don't have
already a form of relationshipwith his family, right His mom.
Talk with her and try to see ifthey won't be involved in the
(09:15):
children's lives and they mayeven allow the child to come
over and spend time with them.
Of course, if it's a goodhousehold, right, or good
environment, you definitelydon't want to send your children
over to a bad environment,right, coming back with word
choices that they didn't leavethe house with right, or seeing
(09:36):
things that they have nobusiness seeing.
But if it's a good householdand if they are willing, then
absolutely try to shore that gapup by speaking with the mother
and seeing if she is okay withdeveloping a further
relationship with the kids.
Just a thought those are theresources that you should
(09:59):
consider Now as a summary of allof what I just shared with you.
When a child doesn't know theirfather or his family, I'm just
going to say it in my loud voicetheir life is incomplete.
Why is it incomplete?
Because it took two to createthis child, so now you're down
(10:20):
to one, and that's not fair tothe child, mom, keep in mind.
It also impacts their identitylong term, because they're only
getting half of who they are byjust being with you.
They've got to get the fullpicture, the whole outlook of
who they are, because it tooktwo to get them here.
(10:43):
And then, finally, if you don'thave this conversation with
them, this is what leads togenerational curses.
Yeah, well, he did it to me,and now I have a child.
So guess what?
I'm just going to follow Lee,and that's not fair to that next
generation.
Children deserve both parents,mom.
(11:07):
Okay, so I encourage you, workit out with him, identify
co-parenting skills If you haveto sit down and talk through it
of what your expectations are,what his expectations are, for
the sake of the child, please, Iask you.
It's time out for our childrensuffering mentally and getting
(11:31):
depressed and all of these otheranxiety issues that they're
encountering, all because adultscan't come together.
For the sake of the children.
All right, ladies, I told youthis was not going to be one of
the more inspiring episodes, buthopefully you did find value
(11:55):
and so that you can take thisaway and say, hmm, yeah, me and
Bobby Joe, yeah, we clash.
For little Emily's sake, let'ssit down and work through it so
that Emily can know that she hastwo parents, know that it's not
(12:15):
her but it's us, it's theadults that are having issues,
not her.
And guess what?
She's going to appreciate that?
She's going to appreciate thatlater on, because now you just
turned that generational cursearound.
All right, ladies, have a greatday, a wonderful week, a
marvelous month, and take care,ladies, and, oh, make sure
(12:39):
you're teaching your childsomething this week.
That's the goal, that's thepurpose as a parent, take care.
Hey ladies, welcome to the Single Moms United
podcast.
If this is your first timejoining, welcome, and if you are
a repeat listener, thank youfor your loyalty.
It's not about how you arrivedat the single mom title, but
it's definitely what you do withit.
(00:23):
This podcast is designed toencourage and motivate you,
single mom, and also invitecritical thinking when it comes
to your parenting skills.
So this is not aone-size-fits-all.
Again, hopefully, you can takesome things away and say, hmm, I
never thought of it like that.
(00:44):
Let me see, this is something Ishould consider right when it
comes to parenting.
That's what this is all aboutand hopefully, by the time this
podcast is over, or this episodeis over, you are able to go
back and feel motivated or atleast start thinking about wow,
(01:05):
I never considered that.
If you have been following meover these past few weeks, you
know I've been focusing on theletter I and extracting word
choices that link back to theletter I and I thought it's
something a little different, alittle creative, to hopefully
(01:26):
keep you coming back right andsay, oh, what's the next word
going to be?
This is just designed toencourage you and invite that
critical thinking that isrequired as a parent, right,
because we're no longer justnurturers and providers, we are
educators, we are mentors.
(01:47):
So we're not just moms, we'reeducating and we're setting
examples for our children sothat they can be productive in
this world.
All right, I know you've beenwaiting, so I'm not going to
prolong it any further.
So what are we talking abouttoday, all right?
Well, I'm so glad you asked methe letter I and the word
(02:11):
invisible.
Yeah, the invisible man.
Once upon a time there was amovie called the Invisible man.
I don't know if they still haveany newer editions or not, but
Once Upon a Time was called theInvisible man.
I don't know if they still haveany newer editions or not, but
once upon a time it was calledthe Invisible man.
But, for the sake of thisexercise, we're talking about
fathers, right, that are nolonger involved in their kids'
(02:36):
lives.
Yeah, that's what we're goingto talk about today.
So this is going to be a littleintense and it might be a
little uncomfortable.
Maybe a lot uncomfortablebecause, as moms, we're more
than moms.
We're mentors, we're educators.
What do you do or say when thefather of your child or children
(02:57):
is no longer active in theirlife?
What's your approach?
Well, the first thing you haveto do is understand why he is
absent.
Why did he suddenly turn intothe invisible man?
What happened?
Did divorce occur?
Were y'all married?
After the divorce, he said seeya.
(03:18):
Did his living situation change?
Jail is definitely an option.
Or he moved.
He moved out of town, herelocated or, the most common
one, he's in a new relationshipand made the choice for a fresh
start.
Or he no longer wants tointeract with you because he
believes it's a package deal.
(03:40):
If he gets the child, he has todeal with you.
That's true, but you all shouldbe able to work through that
and say listen, we can co-parentand be fair about that.
The child needs this.
It's no longer about you, it'sno longer about him, it's about
the child.
And sometimes they get lost intranslation with adult issues
(04:08):
and, yes, the relationshipdidn't work out and that's okay,
but we have to think about thechild.
We have to think about thechildren.
If y'all just argued all thetime, yeah, the child is put in
the mix of that and this is thereason why and he might be
trying to spare the child fromgoing through all that emotional
(04:28):
turmoil.
So, as a result, he says youknow what I'm out Deuces.
Gotta go See ya.
But you all should be able towork that out and know how to
put in a plan for conflictresolution, right?
Sometimes you have to agree todisagree to get along, and
that's okay.
(04:48):
I learned that the hard way,right, you don't have to.
Well, I learned to pick mybattles.
How about that?
I learned to say, okay, weagree to disagree, right, and if
it's nothing detrimental, thenby golly.
What are we arguing about?
So he wants to bring the childback at seven o'clock on Sunday
(05:09):
and you want the child home atsix o'clock Whoop-de-doo, it's
an hour.
Why are we arguing about this?
If it's not impacting themgetting to bed on time, then
what are we arguing about?
Just as me, pick your battles,mom, all right.
Once you uncover the why he isabsent, now you need to
(05:32):
determine how you educate thechild.
Sometimes it's not going to bethat intense, because it depends
on how involved he was in thechild's life.
You know, was it consistent orwas it just birthdays and
holidays?
Hmm, so if it's just birthdaysand holidays, he'd show up and
say, hey, I'm here.
(05:52):
See, then the response and whatyou're going to chat with your
child about is probably notgoing to be very intense, right,
because he's not there most ofthe time.
But if he was there and then hestopped showing up, then yeah,
you still want to have thatconversation.
But if he has been consistentlyin their lives and I'm talking
(06:20):
about every other day or everyday type of involvement then
that's going to take a littlemore in depth and sitting down
and having a conversation withthem.
And part of that conversationis it's not your fault.
Children will take on thatownership of why he left, but
it's up to you, mom, to explainit's not your fault.
(06:41):
You all just couldn'tcorrespond with each other any
longer.
So as a result of that, he wentnext door and you're still here
, but he still loves them and heshould reflect that as well.
That should not just come fromyou mom, you know, because one
of the things that can happen isit can be emotionally traumatic
(07:05):
for that child, with somethingthey can carry into adulthood.
They're developing thatresentment and growing
resentment as life goes on andthat's not fair to them.
You all should be able to workthrough things for the child,
and then you also have to watchout for behavioral changes
(07:28):
Acting out All of a sudden theywere doing really great in
school and now they're not.
What happened?
Because he's no longer comingaround, he's no longer showing
up, he's not calling, he's notdoing any of these things.
So now what is your childsupposed to do?
But act out right.
(07:48):
So keep that in mind.
So now you have to look atresources.
What resources are available tohelp you through this?
You're okay with him leavingbecause, depending on what
happened during the relationship, you're probably like see you
later, good riddance.
But you have a child or youhave children that are going to
(08:12):
have to accept him not being intheir lives.
And how do you do that?
All right, well, I'm so gladyou asked me right, so you want
to.
If you can talk to some schoolsand see what type of counseling
is available, I would startthere.
And then, if you know of atherapist or family counseling
(08:33):
that's available, you might wantto consult that as well.
Especially if you don't knowhow to present or communicate
what happened, you can beinvolved and allow someone else
to help communicate that.
Actually, it will be supportfor both you and the child that
actually it will be support forboth you and the child.
(08:53):
Once y'all leave there, you'llknow how to continue to nurture
your child and provide thatsupport that they need.
And I would also encourage youto seek if you don't have
already a form of relationshipwith his family, right His mom.
Talk with her and try to see ifthey won't be involved in the
(09:15):
children's lives and they mayeven allow the child to come
over and spend time with them.
Of course, if it's a goodhousehold, right, or good
environment, you definitelydon't want to send your children
over to a bad environment,right, coming back with word
choices that they didn't leavethe house with right, or seeing
(09:36):
things that they have nobusiness seeing.
But if it's a good householdand if they are willing, then
absolutely try to shore that gapup by speaking with the mother
and seeing if she is okay withdeveloping a further
relationship with the kids.
Just a thought those are theresources that you should
(09:59):
consider Now as a summary of allof what I just shared with you.
When a child doesn't know theirfather or his family, I'm just
going to say it in my loud voicetheir life is incomplete.
Why is it incomplete?
Because it took two to createthis child, so now you're down
(10:20):
to one, and that's not fair tothe child, mom, keep in mind.
It also impacts their identitylong term, because they're only
getting half of who they are byjust being with you.
They've got to get the fullpicture, the whole outlook of
who they are, because it tooktwo to get them here.
(10:43):
And then, finally, if you don'thave this conversation with
them, this is what leads togenerational curses.
Yeah, well, he did it to me,and now I have a child.
So guess what?
I'm just going to follow Lee,and that's not fair to that next
generation.
Children deserve both parents,mom.
(11:07):
Okay, so I encourage you, workit out with him, identify
co-parenting skills If you haveto sit down and talk through it
of what your expectations are,what his expectations are, for
the sake of the child, please, Iask you.
It's time out for our childrensuffering mentally and getting
(11:31):
depressed and all of these otheranxiety issues that they're
encountering, all because adultscan't come together.
For the sake of the children.
All right, ladies, I told youthis was not going to be one of
the more inspiring episodes, buthopefully you did find value
(11:55):
and so that you can take thisaway and say, hmm, yeah, me and
Bobby Joe, yeah, we clash.
For little Emily's sake, let'ssit down and work through it so
that Emily can know that she hastwo parents, know that it's not
(12:15):
her but it's us, it's theadults that are having issues,
not her.
And guess what?
She's going to appreciate that?
She's going to appreciate thatlater on, because now you just
turned that generational cursearound.
All right, ladies, have a greatday, a wonderful week, a
marvelous month, and take care,ladies, and, oh, make sure
(12:39):
you're teaching your childsomething this week.
That's the goal, that's thepurpose as a parent, take care.
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