April 28, 2026 • 25 mins
How often do we justify spending with the phrase, “I deserve this”? In this episode, Laura unpacks how that mindset can feel harmless in the moment but quietly keep you stuck in patterns of overspending, comfort-seeking, and short-term decisions that steal from the future you actually want.
This is not about never enjoying your life. It’s about learning how to enjoy things intentionally instead of automatically. If you’ve ever used a hard day, a long week, or the need for relief to justify takeout, a little treat, a new purchase, or a monthly payment you did not really need, this episode will help you slow down and ask better questions before you spend.
In this episode, you’ll learn:
- What people are often really looking for when they say, “I deserve this”
- Why the “you deserve it” mindset can lead to regret more than real enjoyment
- How small comforts and automatic spending can keep you financially stuck
- Why friction is not punishment — it’s protection
- How to enjoy your life intentionally without stealing from your future
Listener note:
We’ve had a lot of new listeners lately, and I’m so grateful you’re here. I created a super short listener survey to help me make the podcast even better for you. If you fill it out and leave your name and email, you’ll be entered to win a $50 gift card.
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Audio Only - All Participa (00:00):
Have you ever noticed how people say,
I deserve this, like that littletreat or takeout or that drink
with friends?
How about I deserve a nice car,I work hard, so I deserve
something nice.
But the question I wanna ask youtoday is this.
What is the phrase reallycosting you?
Because a lot of time I deserveit.
(00:22):
It's not actually leading tojoy, it's leading to regret.
And if we are not careful whatwe want right now, we'll quietly
steal what we want most.
Laura (00:32):
You are listening to the Money and Legacy Podcast with
Laura Sexton.
I'm helping families pay offdebt, grow wealth, and build a
legacy without sacrificing whatmatters most.
This is where money feels easy.
Audio Only - All Participa (00:45):
Hey, legacy builders.
Welcome back to the podcast.
Before we jump in today, I wannasay thank you because there have
been a whole lot of newlisteners showing up lately, and
that is such a gift.
I do not take your time orattention lightly, and I want to
steward both of those thingsvery well.
And I also wanna say thank youto those of you that are.
(01:06):
Reaching out and asking yourfriends and sharing this with
your friends so that they knowto listen to the podcast.
I am not great at marketing thepodcast, and I know that it is
getting out there and beingshared because of you.
And I wanna say thank you.
So if you're new here, welcome.
I'm really glad that you foundyour way here, and if you've
been listening for a while andsharing the show, thank you.
(01:26):
It really does mean a lotbecause.
I am currently in the middle ofa moving season.
I'm literally moving packingboxes, doing all of the things
for me and six other people.
I'm going to be batching someepisodes ahead of time.
I wanna make sure that when Iget through that season though,
and I start grading some freshcontent, I wanna make sure that
(01:49):
I'm making episodes thatactually help you the most.
So I put together a super shortlistener survey.
Don't.
Don't hate me, it should takeyou about two minutes.
It's going to help me know whatkind of episodes you want more
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podcast even better for you andthe people that you are sharing
it with.
(02:10):
If you fill out the survey andleave your name and email, you
will be entered for a$50 giftcard.
Now again, there are fivequestions,$50 on the line here,
so that could be a verysubstantial ROI.
If you wanna do that, the linkwill be down in the show notes
(02:30):
and I would really, really valueyour feedback.
Okay, so today we are going totalk about the I Deserve IT
narrative and why I think it'smore expensive than people
realize.
This one is sneaky, my friends,because it does not actually
sound like recklessness.
It doesn't sound like beingirresponsible.
It sounds.
(02:50):
Comforting and justified.
And that's exactly why it'sdangerous, because I deserve it
can become one of the easiestways to give your emotion,
permission to spend your moneythat you did not actually plan
to spend.
And most of the time people arenot even saying it because
they're feeling greedy.
They're saying it because theyare tired.
(03:10):
Come with me now.
Have you ever said I deservethis when you are overwhelmed,
stressed.
Burned out.
You're searching for comfort,you're looking for escape.
You would are desperate forrelief and you would love a
reward.
That's why people say, I deservethis, and here's what I wanna
(03:31):
make the case for today.
A lot of times I deserve this.
It's not actually helping peopleenjoy their lives.
It's actually helping youjustify a decision that your
future self is going to have topay for, and that really matters
because what you want right nowis stealing what you want most.
If you're not paying attention,what people are really looking
(03:51):
for when they say, I deservethis.
Well, it's actually a reallyinteresting question for me to
think about because my first gutreaction when I hear somebody
say, I deserve this is, no, youdon't.
Now I know I can get a littlesharp about this, so just stick
with me.
Okay?
Because when I.
Hear somebody say, I deservethis.
(04:12):
I do not usually think that whatthey're trying to say is, I have
intentionally set a goal.
I hit a goal, and now I'mthoughtfully rewarding myself in
a way that aligns with my valuesbecause that completely
justifiable and good, and thatis what we should be doing.
That's not usually what'shappening, though.
Usually what's happening issomething more like, I'm tired.
I don't wanna work anymore.
I already worked really hard.
(04:33):
I need a break.
I want comfort.
I want relief.
I want escape.
I don't wanna have to thinkanymore.
Oh my goodness.
That's me.
That's me at the end of a verylong day.
So for example, when someonesays, I deserve to go out to eat
tonight, what they often meanis, I don't wanna cook.
That's me.
That's me.
Last night, in fact, we werecoming home from the dentist.
It wasn't even three o'clockyet.
And I was like, I'm so hungry.
(04:54):
I don't wanna have to go homeand cook.
I would like to go out to eat.
Now, I did not say I deserve togo out to eat because I have
really pushed against this.
I deserve mentality and it's notreally part of my lexicon, So
when, last night when I decidedthat I wanted to go out to eat,
I was really craving fajitas andI told my husband, I was like, I
(05:15):
just want chips and salsa.
We're in the middle of thiscrazy move.
Our kids are coming back fromthe dentist.
I'm starving and I don't want togo home and cook.
So we chose togetherconsciously, Hey, we still have
money and are going out to eatbudget.
Let's go ahead and use that.
There was no, I deserve to goout to eat.
(05:35):
While we were there, got methinking.
Oftentimes we'll go out to eatand I'll be like, I'd really
like to have a little drink togo along with this.
You know what I'm looking for?
I'm not looking for, I deserve adrink tonight.
I'm looking for some comfort.
And so I, I'm really thinkingthrough this and rationalizing
(05:56):
what is it that we're sayingwhen we say I deserve.do.
When someone says, I deserve anice car, what they often mean
is I work hard and I wantsomething that makes me feel
rewarded.
I'm not anti enjoyment.
I'm not anti reward, anti fun,and I'm not saying you can never
have anything nice.
I'm not even saying that youshould be miserable and living
like a monk in a cave and neverenjoy your life.
(06:17):
Not at all.
In fact, I think intentionalenjoyment is part of a healthy
life, but there is a differencebetween, I plan for this, I work
hard towards this, and I'mchoosing this on purpose.
There's a difference betweenthat, and I'm tired, I'm
stressed, I'm depleted, I'memotional, so I'm giving myself
permission to just do whatevertonight.
(06:39):
Those are not the same thing,and if you do not separate the
two in your mind, it becomesvery easy to let your feelings
drive your money.
You see there is a differencebetween a reward and a reaction.
I think this is very importantbecause some people hear an
episode like this andimmediately think so what?
I'm never allowed to enjoyanything.
I work hard and I am not allowedto have a good life.
(07:03):
I don't know why I did that uptalking Valley girl situation,
sorry.
But of course you're allowed tohave a good life.
You are absolutely allowed toenjoy things, but I want you to
enjoy them intentionally.
One of my clients this year,her.
Word for the year isintentionality So instead of an
automatic purchase or anemotional purchase, we have been
(07:25):
very intentional.
So she got this giant bonus, andI'm so excited.
She worked very hard for it.
She very much deserved to berewarded for the work that she
had done, right.
But instead of immediately goingand spending all of that money,
what we decided to do was putspace between the bonus and the
purchase of the next thing.
We were very intentional to say,let's enjoy this one first, and
(07:51):
then we'll go get another one.
Let's enjoy that one and then wecan go get another one.
So she made a list of all thethings that she would like to
buy.
And then she looked at them andI said, well, can you rank them?
Can you decide which one youwant first?
And over the course of about amonth, she removed things from
that list.
She would've immediatelyinstantaneously bought them.
(08:12):
But while she's enjoying theother things, she realized those
weren't things that she actuallywanted.
She was intentional with how shechose to enjoy her reward.
So look, if you set a milestoneand you decide ahead of time
when I hit this goal, I'm goingto celebrate with.
X, Y, Z reward.
That's wonderful.
That's thoughtful.
It's planned.
That is earned in a very realand deliberate way.
(08:35):
It's not had a hard day, so Ideserve this.
That's not a reward, that's areaction.
And reactions tend to be prettyexpensive.
A reaction?
It's when you're not askingquestions like, is this actually
worth it?
Is it worth it to my body andthe disruption of my routine to
go to fast food?
(08:56):
Is this aligned with what I wantmost when I go out to fast food?
Am I having dinner with myfamily around a table?
Did I plan for this now?
You probably didn't.
You're probably just tired.
Is this building the life I wantor discomforting me for 20
minutes?
Reactions.
Don't care about any of yourforward, future thinking.
Self reactions, just wantrelief.
(09:16):
And if you let relief become theboss of your spending, you're
gonna stay stuck.
Now I know telling yourself Ideserve this sounds morally
harmless, and I'm being a littledramatic right now saying that
it's actually kind of dangerous,but the juxtaposition there is
actually the problem.
(09:38):
It sounds like self-care or alittle bit of grace, but in
practice it often becomes ashortcut around the
intentionality that's sonecessary.
It becomes the emotionalsteering wheel.
We take a backseat and we allowour emotions to make our money
decisions.
We stop building and we startdrifting.
(09:59):
And now when we let that happenover and over in the little
things, if he gets to show up inthe big things.
Yesterday at the dentist, youguys probably read in my
newsletter about how my kid, my,my 5-year-old really wants to be
a dentist.
So we were all in at thedentist, but I was talking with
(10:19):
one of the dental hygienists.
She's retiring after 40 yearsas, and we were talking about
the multiple different reasonson why our kids couldn't buy a
house, and one of them was agiant car payment of$986, like,
I'm sorry, a thousand dollars amonth on a depreciating asset.
If you just put that into an sand p 500 index fund, you'll
have$2.5 million in 40 years.
(10:42):
But instead, we're gonna have acar payment that started out
being a$50,000 car and 10 yearsfrom now it's worth$15,000.
And we could have put it in themarket and had 2.5 like, what
are we doing here?
That's crazy.
Financed furniture, luxuryupgrades, big vacations that you
didn't actually have margin for.
(11:03):
That's how reacting and Ideserve this start showing up
and honestly, a lot of the timeit's not even a giant dramatic
thing like that.
It's tiny things, thedrive-through.
'cause you're tired.
It's the easiest one for mebecause I'm always tired and I'm
always like, could we drivethrough?
No.
Oh, I have to do the hard thing.
Right.
That extra coffee, because todaywas really difficult.
(11:24):
Is it just me?
Target run because you need toget outta the house.
That's my husband.
He just goes there to have fun.
The Amazon order, because it'sbeen a week and it's only
Tuesday.
That little treat that turnsinto a pattern.
It's just this once that happensthree to four times a week.
And the reason this matters somuch is because those little
choices rarely stay little whenthey become habits.
(11:47):
I do not think that the issuehere is always the purchase
though.
Okay?
It's how automatic it is.
I do not see this in my owndaily life anymore.
And that is something that Iwanna say, it is possible to
make a change.
One of the very interestingthings about this topic.
Is that I deserve it.
It's no longer part of mylexicon.
(12:08):
I've done a lot of work onmyself.
I've had to challenge the ideaof it, and I don't ever walk
around thinking, well, I deservethis and I deserve that it, and
part of that is because I nowsee very clearly the most of
what we call deservingsomething.
It's actually just trying tojustify a comfort that we want
right now.
It's doesn't mean that I don'tever enjoy things.
(12:29):
I absolutely do.
I always have fun money in mybudget always.
Sometimes I have to save it up acouple of pay periods at a time,
and I go get my nails done, or Igo get a massage.
Other times I spend itimmediately on something small
and I enjoy it in the moment.
But the key is that I'm beingintentional about it.
It's in the budget.
It's already been accounted for.
I'm not stealing from grocerymoney or taking from my future
(12:53):
or stealing from a a differentgoal.
It's a very different thing fromsaying I had a hard day and now
I'm letting my feelings make apurchase.
And what I've noticed withclients is that when they do
have a strong I deserve itmindset, it almost always leads
to a place of, well, I reallywish I hadn't done that.
And that phrase leads to regretmore often than it leads to
(13:14):
lasting enjoyment.
One of my clients this weekbought a Disney watch from
Macy's.
She went into Macy's to buy somemakeup.
She went in very specifically,this is what I need to do.
And she saw this watch and ithas Mickey Mouse and it's so
cute.
And she's like, oh, I need tobuy that.
And she was like, well, I'm notgonna buy it right now because
we're trying to put in spacebetween seeing something and
(13:36):
purchasing it.
So she gave it 24 hours and shewent and bought it.
And the time between clickingpurchase and the time it showed
up at her house, she didn't wantit anymore because she realized
that she wasn't gonna get any ofthe enjoyment out of it that she
thought she was.
So the heart of this wholeepisode for me is not.
(13:57):
I want you to quit doing theimpulse things because there
needs to be some impulsivitybuilt into your life.
I like impulsive giving.
That's pretty fun.
I like impulsive spending whenit's budgeted for.
So you're like, Laura, is itreally impulsive if it's
budgeted for, absolutely.
I don't know what I'm gonnaspend my fun money on this week,
but what I really want the heartof this, I deserve it Mindset.
(14:20):
The change.
The reason I want you to do thatis because it's stealing from
your future.
This is not a harmless, neutralfeeling.
It's actually pretty expensive,and not only because the thing
itself is wildly expensive, butsometimes it is expensive
because of what it keeps youfrom doing.
What you want most is to own ahome.
(14:41):
We have to be intentional withsaving up for that because I
don't know if you notice, buthome prices are going up.
We're going to have to have abigger down payment.
For me, the thing I want most ishaving a backyard for my kids to
play in.
And guess what that takes?
Intentionality.
So if what you want most issomething like retiring with
(15:01):
peace, building wealth, beinggenerous, stop living paycheck
to paycheck, have some margin inthe month, have options that
every time you allow what youwant right now to overtake what
you want most.
You are making a trade.
Most people are making thattrade without even realizing it.
There are people living inapartment complexes with
(15:22):
thousand dollar a month carpayments.
There are people driving bright,shiny, expensive cars while
telling themselves that homeownership is completely
impossible.
And I wanna shake them.
I wanna grab them by theirshoulders and shake them and go,
no.
Maybe it's not impossible.
Maybe you are just financing away.
Your future, just because youcan afford the payment, does not
(15:45):
mean that you can afford thepurchase.
That sentence right there wouldsolve a lot of people's problems
because the payments make thingsfeel possible when they're
unwise.
Payments, let people pretendthat they're affording something
when what they are really doingis stretching their future
thinner and thinner and thinner.
And the hard truth is a lot ofpeople are not enjoying these
(16:07):
purchases nearly as much as theyimagined that they would.
They just get used to thepayment.
I think a big reason that peopleclinging to the I Deserve it
mindset is fear.
Not always conscious fear, butit's definitely fear.
I think sometimes people areafraid that they will never get
the bigger thing later.
The future always feels far awayor uncertain and it's
(16:29):
intangible, but the littlecomfort right now that's
guaranteed.
I know I'm going to feel goodwhen I eat these french fries,
so people think I know I canhave this now, and I don't know
if I'll ever get there later, soI might as well enjoy this.
And I think underneath that's alack of trust.
Not just trust in God, but trustin themselves.
(16:51):
They don't trust themselves tostay disciplined long enough.
They don't trust their effortswill ever pay off.
They certainly don't trust thatthe bigger comfort is actually
possible for them, and theydon't trust that the sacrifice
is worth it.
Maybe they've never seensomebody actually achieve it, so
they don't think they can do.
It's certainly not somebody likethem.
(17:11):
Somebody like them's nevergotten out of the situation
they're in.
Have you ever heard somebodysay, people like me, people like
me, and the little man can't getahead.
When you're stuck in thatmindset, they're going to settle
for comfort.
Now, if you keep doing that,you're gonna train yourself to
keep choosing the smaller life.
Smaller joy, smaller, comfort,impossible future.
(17:37):
I do not want that for you.
I think one of the biggest keyshere is friction.
You have to put some space inbetween the desire and the
purchase, and that space iswhere the wisdom is going to
live.
The space where intentionalitylives, the space is where you
get to stop and ask, what isthis really about?
(17:59):
Do I actually want this?
Is it worth it?
Is it aligned with my values?
Is this something I plan for?
Or am I just trying to rewardmyself in reacting emotionally?
I have a client who was veryexcited about a kitchenware set,
knives, pot pants, the, youknow, that type of thing.
And before we worked together,she would've just bought it.
It's not, that she has akitchenware problem or that
(18:21):
she's being irresponsible, butshe has a pattern of, I want it.
I work hard, I'm going to getit.
Instead, we put some space inbetween that desire and that
purchase, and that is the wholething.
Maybe she still buys it, maybeshe doesn't.
That's not the point.
The point is that she's nolonger on autopilot.
It's no longer see it, click it,buy it, and if you wanna get out
(18:44):
of the I Deserve it trap.
You gotta get off autopilot.
Friction here is not yourpunishment, it's your
protection.
Does this mean you're neverallowed to enjoy anything?
No, absolutely not.
You're allowed to enjoy yourlife.
You're allowed to have fun andcelebrate and buy the things you
like and have the rewards, but Iwant those things to be worth it
when you have them.
(19:06):
I don't want them to just beconvenient, and that's the
difference.
So here I am not trying to be akilljoy, but trying to make joy
intentional.
I want your joy to be daring.
I want you it to be full andrich and abundant.
Sometimes I think people hear metalk about discipline and being
intentional, and they,immediately go to, oh, she's
(19:28):
gonna deprive me.
Your discipline is not yourdeprivation.
Discipline is what creates theability to enjoy things without
regretting them, and that's thebeauty of it.
Sometimes, I don't call it abudget.
I call it a spending plan,because when you plan for the
thing, you enjoy the thing.
When you save for the thing, youenjoy the thing.
(19:48):
If it fits your value, you'regoing to enjoy it.
And when it aligns with yourbigger goals, you get to enjoy
it on a bigger scale.
See, the issue is not theenjoyment.
The issue is whether yourenjoyment has become automatic,
emotional, and disconnected fromthe life you actually want.
I think sometimes people areafraid that if they do not grab
(20:10):
that small comfort now, they'renever gonna get the big comfort
later, but that's backwards.
Often, the people who eventuallyget the bigger comfort later are
the ones who are willing to sayno to the smaller comforts.
Now, I want you to hear thisplainly, my friend.
You control your own destinymore than you think you do.
(20:31):
97% of millionaires in Americabelieve that they control their
own destiny.
You get to decide what it isthat you want most, and if you
do not decide that clearly, youremotions will make the decisions
for you.
The I deserve it mentality keepspeople stuck in the mediocre
life.
It keeps them in the middlewhere they're always justifying,
(20:54):
reacting and making payments.
They're always wanting reliefand grabbing for the quick
comfort.
And they're never quite buildingthe bigger life they say that
they want.
I want you to get the house.
I want you to have the backyard.
I want the peace and the marginand the retirement and the
generosity and the freedom.
I want that for you.
(21:15):
That's why I do this podcast.
That's why I'm here for you,friend.
And if you don't think that'spossible, I would love to jump.
On a call with you and justexplain to you how it's
possible.
Look at your situation and tellyou what little things you can
tweak to make that freedompossible for you.
That's gonna require you to stopworshiping every desire that
shows up in the moment.
Not every desire deserves a yes.
(21:37):
Not every feeling deserves apurchase.
Sometimes the most loving, wise,mature thing that you can do is
say, I do want that, but I wantsomething else more.
And that is power maturity,stewardship.
Whatever word you wanna put onit, that's ownership.
So if this episode is hittinghome, here is what I want you to
(21:59):
do First, start noticing yourlanguage.
Pay attention to how often yousay or think things like, I
deserve this, I earned this, Ineed this.
It's just something little.
I've had a hard day.
It's been a long week.
This is not to shame yourself,but it is to notice because we
have to notice it first beforewe can ever make a difference.
(22:19):
Second, put space between yourdesire and your purchase.
It doesn't have to be a noforever, but stop saying yes
immediately every time.
It's the second that you wantsomething.
Third, build intentionalenjoyment into your budget.
Fun, money, celebration, money.
These are some of my favoritecategories and I do have it
named that.
His fund.
(22:39):
Her fund.
Our fund.
That's how I have it labeledbecause that's what I wanna
spend the money on.
Fourth, ask yourself this veryimportant question, is it worth
it?
Or just convenient?
Now, you don't have to askyourself that question if you've
already decided that you'regoing to wait 24 hours before
making a purchase.
(22:59):
But if it's one of those in themoment, spur of the moment,
we're pulling up into thedrive-through, is it worth it?
Or is it just convenient?
And that question is going topreach to your soul, hopefully,
will really dig into those spurof the moment questions.
And fifth, you've gotta getbrutally honest about what it is
you really, really want most.
(23:22):
Because there's often a tradehappening whether you name it or
not.
Do you want the payment or doyou want freedom of choice?
You get to decide.
The phrase I deserve, it hasbeen costing you more than
you've realized.
It's been stealing your marginand your peace.
There is no discipline becauseyou deserve it.
(23:45):
You are not able to build thelife you actually want.
If everything you do is basedon, because I deserve this, so
what if instead?
You figure out what it is thatyou want most and then align all
of your decisions to that.
Because you are allowed to enjoyyour life and you are allowed to
have nice things, but I want youto enjoy them on purpose.
(24:06):
What you want right now cansteal what you want most, and I
would much rather see you buildsomething beautiful than stay
stuck in the mediocre muck ofalways needing comfort.
Now, if this episode is hit anerve.
Ooh, I wanna hear about it.
Maybe you're realizing that yourspending is not really about the
thing, but more about stress andcomfort and convenience or
(24:27):
emotion.
That's exactly the kind of thingthat we work through with me and
my coaching clients.
I've told you about a couple ofthem today.
If you want help figuring outwhere your money is leaking,
what your real priorities are,and how to build a plan that
lets you enjoy life withoutsabotaging your future, I would
love to talk to you.
You can reach out for a claritycall using the link down in the
(24:48):
show notes, connects with LauraClarity.
Call down there or you can go toaccelerate your
legacy.com/clarity call.
And if you've not yet filled outthe survey that I mentioned the
very beginning of this episode,which you probably haven't, it's
super short.
It will help me serve youbetter, and you will be entered
to win the$50 gift card if youleave your name and email.
(25:10):
All right, legacy builders,that's it.
Go be intentional.
Go enjoy your life on purposeand go out and make a
difference.
Have you ever noticed how people say,
I deserve this, like that littletreat or takeout or that drink
with friends?
How about I deserve a nice car,I work hard, so I deserve
something nice.
But the question I wanna ask youtoday is this.
What is the phrase reallycosting you?
Because a lot of time I deserveit.
(00:22):
It's not actually leading tojoy, it's leading to regret.
And if we are not careful whatwe want right now, we'll quietly
steal what we want most.
Laura (00:32):
You are listening to the Money and Legacy Podcast with
Laura Sexton.
I'm helping families pay offdebt, grow wealth, and build a
legacy without sacrificing whatmatters most.
This is where money feels easy.
Audio Only - All Participa (00:45):
Hey, legacy builders.
Welcome back to the podcast.
Before we jump in today, I wannasay thank you because there have
been a whole lot of newlisteners showing up lately, and
that is such a gift.
I do not take your time orattention lightly, and I want to
steward both of those thingsvery well.
And I also wanna say thank youto those of you that are.
(01:06):
Reaching out and asking yourfriends and sharing this with
your friends so that they knowto listen to the podcast.
I am not great at marketing thepodcast, and I know that it is
getting out there and beingshared because of you.
And I wanna say thank you.
So if you're new here, welcome.
I'm really glad that you foundyour way here, and if you've
been listening for a while andsharing the show, thank you.
(01:26):
It really does mean a lotbecause.
I am currently in the middle ofa moving season.
I'm literally moving packingboxes, doing all of the things
for me and six other people.
I'm going to be batching someepisodes ahead of time.
I wanna make sure that when Iget through that season though,
and I start grading some freshcontent, I wanna make sure that
(01:49):
I'm making episodes thatactually help you the most.
So I put together a super shortlistener survey.
Don't.
Don't hate me, it should takeyou about two minutes.
It's going to help me know whatkind of episodes you want more
of, what topics would help youthe most, and how I can make the
podcast even better for you andthe people that you are sharing
it with.
(02:10):
If you fill out the survey andleave your name and email, you
will be entered for a$50 giftcard.
Now again, there are fivequestions,$50 on the line here,
so that could be a verysubstantial ROI.
If you wanna do that, the linkwill be down in the show notes
(02:30):
and I would really, really valueyour feedback.
Okay, so today we are going totalk about the I Deserve IT
narrative and why I think it'smore expensive than people
realize.
This one is sneaky, my friends,because it does not actually
sound like recklessness.
It doesn't sound like beingirresponsible.
It sounds.
(02:50):
Comforting and justified.
And that's exactly why it'sdangerous, because I deserve it
can become one of the easiestways to give your emotion,
permission to spend your moneythat you did not actually plan
to spend.
And most of the time people arenot even saying it because
they're feeling greedy.
They're saying it because theyare tired.
(03:10):
Come with me now.
Have you ever said I deservethis when you are overwhelmed,
stressed.
Burned out.
You're searching for comfort,you're looking for escape.
You would are desperate forrelief and you would love a
reward.
That's why people say, I deservethis, and here's what I wanna
(03:31):
make the case for today.
A lot of times I deserve this.
It's not actually helping peopleenjoy their lives.
It's actually helping youjustify a decision that your
future self is going to have topay for, and that really matters
because what you want right nowis stealing what you want most.
If you're not paying attention,what people are really looking
(03:51):
for when they say, I deservethis.
Well, it's actually a reallyinteresting question for me to
think about because my first gutreaction when I hear somebody
say, I deserve this is, no, youdon't.
Now I know I can get a littlesharp about this, so just stick
with me.
Okay?
Because when I.
Hear somebody say, I deservethis.
(04:12):
I do not usually think that whatthey're trying to say is, I have
intentionally set a goal.
I hit a goal, and now I'mthoughtfully rewarding myself in
a way that aligns with my valuesbecause that completely
justifiable and good, and thatis what we should be doing.
That's not usually what'shappening, though.
Usually what's happening issomething more like, I'm tired.
I don't wanna work anymore.
I already worked really hard.
(04:33):
I need a break.
I want comfort.
I want relief.
I want escape.
I don't wanna have to thinkanymore.
Oh my goodness.
That's me.
That's me at the end of a verylong day.
So for example, when someonesays, I deserve to go out to eat
tonight, what they often meanis, I don't wanna cook.
That's me.
That's me.
Last night, in fact, we werecoming home from the dentist.
It wasn't even three o'clockyet.
And I was like, I'm so hungry.
(04:54):
I don't wanna have to go homeand cook.
I would like to go out to eat.
Now, I did not say I deserve togo out to eat because I have
really pushed against this.
I deserve mentality and it's notreally part of my lexicon, So
when, last night when I decidedthat I wanted to go out to eat,
I was really craving fajitas andI told my husband, I was like, I
(05:15):
just want chips and salsa.
We're in the middle of thiscrazy move.
Our kids are coming back fromthe dentist.
I'm starving and I don't want togo home and cook.
So we chose togetherconsciously, Hey, we still have
money and are going out to eatbudget.
Let's go ahead and use that.
There was no, I deserve to goout to eat.
(05:35):
While we were there, got methinking.
Oftentimes we'll go out to eatand I'll be like, I'd really
like to have a little drink togo along with this.
You know what I'm looking for?
I'm not looking for, I deserve adrink tonight.
I'm looking for some comfort.
And so I, I'm really thinkingthrough this and rationalizing
(05:56):
what is it that we're sayingwhen we say I deserve.do.
When someone says, I deserve anice car, what they often mean
is I work hard and I wantsomething that makes me feel
rewarded.
I'm not anti enjoyment.
I'm not anti reward, anti fun,and I'm not saying you can never
have anything nice.
I'm not even saying that youshould be miserable and living
like a monk in a cave and neverenjoy your life.
(06:17):
Not at all.
In fact, I think intentionalenjoyment is part of a healthy
life, but there is a differencebetween, I plan for this, I work
hard towards this, and I'mchoosing this on purpose.
There's a difference betweenthat, and I'm tired, I'm
stressed, I'm depleted, I'memotional, so I'm giving myself
permission to just do whatevertonight.
(06:39):
Those are not the same thing,and if you do not separate the
two in your mind, it becomesvery easy to let your feelings
drive your money.
You see there is a differencebetween a reward and a reaction.
I think this is very importantbecause some people hear an
episode like this andimmediately think so what?
I'm never allowed to enjoyanything.
I work hard and I am not allowedto have a good life.
(07:03):
I don't know why I did that uptalking Valley girl situation,
sorry.
But of course you're allowed tohave a good life.
You are absolutely allowed toenjoy things, but I want you to
enjoy them intentionally.
One of my clients this year,her.
Word for the year isintentionality So instead of an
automatic purchase or anemotional purchase, we have been
(07:25):
very intentional.
So she got this giant bonus, andI'm so excited.
She worked very hard for it.
She very much deserved to berewarded for the work that she
had done, right.
But instead of immediately goingand spending all of that money,
what we decided to do was putspace between the bonus and the
purchase of the next thing.
We were very intentional to say,let's enjoy this one first, and
(07:51):
then we'll go get another one.
Let's enjoy that one and then wecan go get another one.
So she made a list of all thethings that she would like to
buy.
And then she looked at them andI said, well, can you rank them?
Can you decide which one youwant first?
And over the course of about amonth, she removed things from
that list.
She would've immediatelyinstantaneously bought them.
(08:12):
But while she's enjoying theother things, she realized those
weren't things that she actuallywanted.
She was intentional with how shechose to enjoy her reward.
So look, if you set a milestoneand you decide ahead of time
when I hit this goal, I'm goingto celebrate with.
X, Y, Z reward.
That's wonderful.
That's thoughtful.
It's planned.
That is earned in a very realand deliberate way.
(08:35):
It's not had a hard day, so Ideserve this.
That's not a reward, that's areaction.
And reactions tend to be prettyexpensive.
A reaction?
It's when you're not askingquestions like, is this actually
worth it?
Is it worth it to my body andthe disruption of my routine to
go to fast food?
(08:56):
Is this aligned with what I wantmost when I go out to fast food?
Am I having dinner with myfamily around a table?
Did I plan for this now?
You probably didn't.
You're probably just tired.
Is this building the life I wantor discomforting me for 20
minutes?
Reactions.
Don't care about any of yourforward, future thinking.
Self reactions, just wantrelief.
(09:16):
And if you let relief become theboss of your spending, you're
gonna stay stuck.
Now I know telling yourself Ideserve this sounds morally
harmless, and I'm being a littledramatic right now saying that
it's actually kind of dangerous,but the juxtaposition there is
actually the problem.
(09:38):
It sounds like self-care or alittle bit of grace, but in
practice it often becomes ashortcut around the
intentionality that's sonecessary.
It becomes the emotionalsteering wheel.
We take a backseat and we allowour emotions to make our money
decisions.
We stop building and we startdrifting.
(09:59):
And now when we let that happenover and over in the little
things, if he gets to show up inthe big things.
Yesterday at the dentist, youguys probably read in my
newsletter about how my kid, my,my 5-year-old really wants to be
a dentist.
So we were all in at thedentist, but I was talking with
(10:19):
one of the dental hygienists.
She's retiring after 40 yearsas, and we were talking about
the multiple different reasonson why our kids couldn't buy a
house, and one of them was agiant car payment of$986, like,
I'm sorry, a thousand dollars amonth on a depreciating asset.
If you just put that into an sand p 500 index fund, you'll
have$2.5 million in 40 years.
(10:42):
But instead, we're gonna have acar payment that started out
being a$50,000 car and 10 yearsfrom now it's worth$15,000.
And we could have put it in themarket and had 2.5 like, what
are we doing here?
That's crazy.
Financed furniture, luxuryupgrades, big vacations that you
didn't actually have margin for.
(11:03):
That's how reacting and Ideserve this start showing up
and honestly, a lot of the timeit's not even a giant dramatic
thing like that.
It's tiny things, thedrive-through.
'cause you're tired.
It's the easiest one for mebecause I'm always tired and I'm
always like, could we drivethrough?
No.
Oh, I have to do the hard thing.
Right.
That extra coffee, because todaywas really difficult.
(11:24):
Is it just me?
Target run because you need toget outta the house.
That's my husband.
He just goes there to have fun.
The Amazon order, because it'sbeen a week and it's only
Tuesday.
That little treat that turnsinto a pattern.
It's just this once that happensthree to four times a week.
And the reason this matters somuch is because those little
choices rarely stay little whenthey become habits.
(11:47):
I do not think that the issuehere is always the purchase
though.
Okay?
It's how automatic it is.
I do not see this in my owndaily life anymore.
And that is something that Iwanna say, it is possible to
make a change.
One of the very interestingthings about this topic.
Is that I deserve it.
It's no longer part of mylexicon.
(12:08):
I've done a lot of work onmyself.
I've had to challenge the ideaof it, and I don't ever walk
around thinking, well, I deservethis and I deserve that it, and
part of that is because I nowsee very clearly the most of
what we call deservingsomething.
It's actually just trying tojustify a comfort that we want
right now.
It's doesn't mean that I don'tever enjoy things.
(12:29):
I absolutely do.
I always have fun money in mybudget always.
Sometimes I have to save it up acouple of pay periods at a time,
and I go get my nails done, or Igo get a massage.
Other times I spend itimmediately on something small
and I enjoy it in the moment.
But the key is that I'm beingintentional about it.
It's in the budget.
It's already been accounted for.
I'm not stealing from grocerymoney or taking from my future
(12:53):
or stealing from a a differentgoal.
It's a very different thing fromsaying I had a hard day and now
I'm letting my feelings make apurchase.
And what I've noticed withclients is that when they do
have a strong I deserve itmindset, it almost always leads
to a place of, well, I reallywish I hadn't done that.
And that phrase leads to regretmore often than it leads to
(13:14):
lasting enjoyment.
One of my clients this weekbought a Disney watch from
Macy's.
She went into Macy's to buy somemakeup.
She went in very specifically,this is what I need to do.
And she saw this watch and ithas Mickey Mouse and it's so
cute.
And she's like, oh, I need tobuy that.
And she was like, well, I'm notgonna buy it right now because
we're trying to put in spacebetween seeing something and
(13:36):
purchasing it.
So she gave it 24 hours and shewent and bought it.
And the time between clickingpurchase and the time it showed
up at her house, she didn't wantit anymore because she realized
that she wasn't gonna get any ofthe enjoyment out of it that she
thought she was.
So the heart of this wholeepisode for me is not.
(13:57):
I want you to quit doing theimpulse things because there
needs to be some impulsivitybuilt into your life.
I like impulsive giving.
That's pretty fun.
I like impulsive spending whenit's budgeted for.
So you're like, Laura, is itreally impulsive if it's
budgeted for, absolutely.
I don't know what I'm gonnaspend my fun money on this week,
but what I really want the heartof this, I deserve it Mindset.
(14:20):
The change.
The reason I want you to do thatis because it's stealing from
your future.
This is not a harmless, neutralfeeling.
It's actually pretty expensive,and not only because the thing
itself is wildly expensive, butsometimes it is expensive
because of what it keeps youfrom doing.
What you want most is to own ahome.
(14:41):
We have to be intentional withsaving up for that because I
don't know if you notice, buthome prices are going up.
We're going to have to have abigger down payment.
For me, the thing I want most ishaving a backyard for my kids to
play in.
And guess what that takes?
Intentionality.
So if what you want most issomething like retiring with
(15:01):
peace, building wealth, beinggenerous, stop living paycheck
to paycheck, have some margin inthe month, have options that
every time you allow what youwant right now to overtake what
you want most.
You are making a trade.
Most people are making thattrade without even realizing it.
There are people living inapartment complexes with
(15:22):
thousand dollar a month carpayments.
There are people driving bright,shiny, expensive cars while
telling themselves that homeownership is completely
impossible.
And I wanna shake them.
I wanna grab them by theirshoulders and shake them and go,
no.
Maybe it's not impossible.
Maybe you are just financing away.
Your future, just because youcan afford the payment, does not
(15:45):
mean that you can afford thepurchase.
That sentence right there wouldsolve a lot of people's problems
because the payments make thingsfeel possible when they're
unwise.
Payments, let people pretendthat they're affording something
when what they are really doingis stretching their future
thinner and thinner and thinner.
And the hard truth is a lot ofpeople are not enjoying these
(16:07):
purchases nearly as much as theyimagined that they would.
They just get used to thepayment.
I think a big reason that peopleclinging to the I Deserve it
mindset is fear.
Not always conscious fear, butit's definitely fear.
I think sometimes people areafraid that they will never get
the bigger thing later.
The future always feels far awayor uncertain and it's
(16:29):
intangible, but the littlecomfort right now that's
guaranteed.
I know I'm going to feel goodwhen I eat these french fries,
so people think I know I canhave this now, and I don't know
if I'll ever get there later, soI might as well enjoy this.
And I think underneath that's alack of trust.
Not just trust in God, but trustin themselves.
(16:51):
They don't trust themselves tostay disciplined long enough.
They don't trust their effortswill ever pay off.
They certainly don't trust thatthe bigger comfort is actually
possible for them, and theydon't trust that the sacrifice
is worth it.
Maybe they've never seensomebody actually achieve it, so
they don't think they can do.
It's certainly not somebody likethem.
(17:11):
Somebody like them's nevergotten out of the situation
they're in.
Have you ever heard somebodysay, people like me, people like
me, and the little man can't getahead.
When you're stuck in thatmindset, they're going to settle
for comfort.
Now, if you keep doing that,you're gonna train yourself to
keep choosing the smaller life.
Smaller joy, smaller, comfort,impossible future.
(17:37):
I do not want that for you.
I think one of the biggest keyshere is friction.
You have to put some space inbetween the desire and the
purchase, and that space iswhere the wisdom is going to
live.
The space where intentionalitylives, the space is where you
get to stop and ask, what isthis really about?
(17:59):
Do I actually want this?
Is it worth it?
Is it aligned with my values?
Is this something I plan for?
Or am I just trying to rewardmyself in reacting emotionally?
I have a client who was veryexcited about a kitchenware set,
knives, pot pants, the, youknow, that type of thing.
And before we worked together,she would've just bought it.
It's not, that she has akitchenware problem or that
(18:21):
she's being irresponsible, butshe has a pattern of, I want it.
I work hard, I'm going to getit.
Instead, we put some space inbetween that desire and that
purchase, and that is the wholething.
Maybe she still buys it, maybeshe doesn't.
That's not the point.
The point is that she's nolonger on autopilot.
It's no longer see it, click it,buy it, and if you wanna get out
(18:44):
of the I Deserve it trap.
You gotta get off autopilot.
Friction here is not yourpunishment, it's your
protection.
Does this mean you're neverallowed to enjoy anything?
No, absolutely not.
You're allowed to enjoy yourlife.
You're allowed to have fun andcelebrate and buy the things you
like and have the rewards, but Iwant those things to be worth it
when you have them.
(19:06):
I don't want them to just beconvenient, and that's the
difference.
So here I am not trying to be akilljoy, but trying to make joy
intentional.
I want your joy to be daring.
I want you it to be full andrich and abundant.
Sometimes I think people hear metalk about discipline and being
intentional, and they,immediately go to, oh, she's
(19:28):
gonna deprive me.
Your discipline is not yourdeprivation.
Discipline is what creates theability to enjoy things without
regretting them, and that's thebeauty of it.
Sometimes, I don't call it abudget.
I call it a spending plan,because when you plan for the
thing, you enjoy the thing.
When you save for the thing, youenjoy the thing.
(19:48):
If it fits your value, you'regoing to enjoy it.
And when it aligns with yourbigger goals, you get to enjoy
it on a bigger scale.
See, the issue is not theenjoyment.
The issue is whether yourenjoyment has become automatic,
emotional, and disconnected fromthe life you actually want.
I think sometimes people areafraid that if they do not grab
(20:10):
that small comfort now, they'renever gonna get the big comfort
later, but that's backwards.
Often, the people who eventuallyget the bigger comfort later are
the ones who are willing to sayno to the smaller comforts.
Now, I want you to hear thisplainly, my friend.
You control your own destinymore than you think you do.
(20:31):
97% of millionaires in Americabelieve that they control their
own destiny.
You get to decide what it isthat you want most, and if you
do not decide that clearly, youremotions will make the decisions
for you.
The I deserve it mentality keepspeople stuck in the mediocre
life.
It keeps them in the middlewhere they're always justifying,
(20:54):
reacting and making payments.
They're always wanting reliefand grabbing for the quick
comfort.
And they're never quite buildingthe bigger life they say that
they want.
I want you to get the house.
I want you to have the backyard.
I want the peace and the marginand the retirement and the
generosity and the freedom.
I want that for you.
(21:15):
That's why I do this podcast.
That's why I'm here for you,friend.
And if you don't think that'spossible, I would love to jump.
On a call with you and justexplain to you how it's
possible.
Look at your situation and tellyou what little things you can
tweak to make that freedompossible for you.
That's gonna require you to stopworshiping every desire that
shows up in the moment.
Not every desire deserves a yes.
(21:37):
Not every feeling deserves apurchase.
Sometimes the most loving, wise,mature thing that you can do is
say, I do want that, but I wantsomething else more.
And that is power maturity,stewardship.
Whatever word you wanna put onit, that's ownership.
So if this episode is hittinghome, here is what I want you to
(21:59):
do First, start noticing yourlanguage.
Pay attention to how often yousay or think things like, I
deserve this, I earned this, Ineed this.
It's just something little.
I've had a hard day.
It's been a long week.
This is not to shame yourself,but it is to notice because we
have to notice it first beforewe can ever make a difference.
(22:19):
Second, put space between yourdesire and your purchase.
It doesn't have to be a noforever, but stop saying yes
immediately every time.
It's the second that you wantsomething.
Third, build intentionalenjoyment into your budget.
Fun, money, celebration, money.
These are some of my favoritecategories and I do have it
named that.
His fund.
(22:39):
Her fund.
Our fund.
That's how I have it labeledbecause that's what I wanna
spend the money on.
Fourth, ask yourself this veryimportant question, is it worth
it?
Or just convenient?
Now, you don't have to askyourself that question if you've
already decided that you'regoing to wait 24 hours before
making a purchase.
(22:59):
But if it's one of those in themoment, spur of the moment,
we're pulling up into thedrive-through, is it worth it?
Or is it just convenient?
And that question is going topreach to your soul, hopefully,
will really dig into those spurof the moment questions.
And fifth, you've gotta getbrutally honest about what it is
you really, really want most.
(23:22):
Because there's often a tradehappening whether you name it or
not.
Do you want the payment or doyou want freedom of choice?
You get to decide.
The phrase I deserve, it hasbeen costing you more than
you've realized.
It's been stealing your marginand your peace.
There is no discipline becauseyou deserve it.
(23:45):
You are not able to build thelife you actually want.
If everything you do is basedon, because I deserve this, so
what if instead?
You figure out what it is thatyou want most and then align all
of your decisions to that.
Because you are allowed to enjoyyour life and you are allowed to
have nice things, but I want youto enjoy them on purpose.
(24:06):
What you want right now cansteal what you want most, and I
would much rather see you buildsomething beautiful than stay
stuck in the mediocre muck ofalways needing comfort.
Now, if this episode is hit anerve.
Ooh, I wanna hear about it.
Maybe you're realizing that yourspending is not really about the
thing, but more about stress andcomfort and convenience or
(24:27):
emotion.
That's exactly the kind of thingthat we work through with me and
my coaching clients.
I've told you about a couple ofthem today.
If you want help figuring outwhere your money is leaking,
what your real priorities are,and how to build a plan that
lets you enjoy life withoutsabotaging your future, I would
love to talk to you.
You can reach out for a claritycall using the link down in the
(24:48):
show notes, connects with LauraClarity.
Call down there or you can go toaccelerate your
legacy.com/clarity call.
And if you've not yet filled outthe survey that I mentioned the
very beginning of this episode,which you probably haven't, it's
super short.
It will help me serve youbetter, and you will be entered
to win the$50 gift card if youleave your name and email.
(25:10):
All right, legacy builders,that's it.
Go be intentional.
Go enjoy your life on purposeand go out and make a
difference.
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