Messy Gratitude

In this episode of the None But Curious podcast, we explore a version of gratitude that doesn’t require perfection, positivity, or emotional ease. If you're moving through the year with burnout, grief, overwhelm, or simply a sense that gratitude feels harder than usual, this episode offers a grounded, honest way back to yourself.

Instead of treating gratitude like a mindset you “should” access, we look at it as something shaped by what you’ve lived through this year, what your body is holding, and the quiet details of your real life. This is gratitude for people navigating complicated holidays, shifting family dynamics, loneliness, uncertainty, or emotional fatigue. Gratitude that can coexist with everything else you’re carrying.

Inside this episode, you’ll hear a gentle reframing of what thankfulness can look like in hard seasons. We talk about: • Messy gratitude—why appreciation often shows up tangled with grief, exhaustion, or change • How gratitude lives in the body through grounding sensations, not just positive thoughts • Why forced gratitude backfires and how pressure disconnects us from real meaning • Small practices of “microgratitude” that soften the edges of difficult days • The invisible network of helpers and supports that quietly hold our lives • How to notice tiny moments of warmth, ease, or presence when emotions feel heavy • A simple 30-second exercise to reconnect with the world around you

If traditional holiday gratitude messages feel out of sync with your actual life, you are not alone. This episode invites you to redefine gratitude on your own terms—slower, quieter, gentler, and more truthful. There is no correct way to be thankful; there is only the way that feels real right now.

The None But Curious podcast is all about finding the extraordinary in ordinary life. This episode is a companion for anyone navigating the holidays with tenderness, honesty, and a desire for grounding rather than perfection.

Listen in for a compassionate reimagining of gratitude—one that meets you exactly where you are. If someone you love is having a hard season, share this episode with them. And if this resonates, subscribe for more reflections on presence, awe, and the small moments that make our days more livable.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
Welcome to the None But Curious Podcast.
We're all about finding inspiration in life's uncertainties.
Whether you're still figuring things out, questioning your
beliefs, or just curious about the world, come
hang out with us as we celebrate the
beauty of not having all the answers.

(00:23):
If you're hearing this in late November, you've
probably felt that familiar expectation in the air.
The idea that this is the time to
summon gratitude and to make it feel cozy,
uncomplicated, and deeply meaningful.
And maybe you can do that.
Maybe you've had years where gratitude drifts in
naturally, the way morning light slips through an
open curtain.

(00:44):
But maybe this year isn't one of them.
So today's episode is an exploration of gratitude
that doesn't demand tidiness or emotional perfection.
Gratitude that can coexist with burnout or grief,
a changing family, or a year that felt
heavier than you hoped it would.
It's for anyone who feels a little out
of sync with the holiday script, the part

(01:05):
that says this should be the season of
uncomplicated warmth, glowing candles, clinking glasses, and hearts
overflowing.
Maybe this year you feel something else.
If so, you're not alone, and this episode
is for you.
We tend to talk about gratitude as though
it's a switch we flip, a mindset, a

(01:27):
moral virtue, a perspective that we're supposed to
access effortlessly, especially this time of year.
But gratitude is not a light switch.
It's more like a weather pattern influenced by
what's happening inside our bodies, around our homes,
and across our lives.
Some years, gratitude shines bright and steady.
Other years, it flickers.

(01:48):
And sometimes it doesn't show up until much,
much later, when we're looking back from a
calmer, safer place.
But we don't often say that out loud,
because the story that we're told is that
gratitude should be easy, especially at this time
of year.
Just make a list.
Just look on the bright side.

(02:08):
Just be thankful.
Just choose joy.
But what if the joy isn't choosing you
back?
What if you're tired in a way that
sleep doesn't fix?
What if you've lost someone, or something, or
a version of yourself?
What if this season brings up complicated memories
or responsibilities that feel heavier in the colder

(02:29):
months?
What if the table you're sitting at has
an empty chair this year?
What if the world feels uncertain, frightening, overwhelming?
What if the gratitude people say you should
feel doesn't match the truth of your actual
life?
Gratitude can get tangled up with a lot

(02:50):
of other emotions, and that's not a flaw.
That's just being human.
You can be grateful and lonely, grateful and
exhausted, grateful and frustrated by the things that
didn't happen this year, grateful and quietly mourning

(03:11):
the version of life you once imagined.
These emotions don't cancel each other out.
They coexist.
We sometimes act like gratitude is supposed to
replace our hard feelings, like a coat of
paint over a really shaky wall.
Just cover it up, make it pretty, no
one will know.
But real gratitude isn't about covering anything.

(03:34):
It's about noticing, even while acknowledging everything else
that's true.
Noticing how the last bit of daylight clings
to the wall, or the way the heat
from the oven lingers in the air when
you open the door.
Noticing the soft brush of a blanket against
your ankles as you shift on the couch.

(03:55):
Noticing the way your breath warms the space
right in front of you.
Sometimes gratitude begins as a whisper, not a
shout, and that's enough.
You know that feeling when someone tells you
to calm down?
Yeah, it totally has the opposite effect.

(04:16):
And the same is true for gratitude.
When we push ourselves to feel grateful and
treat it as an obligation rather than a
natural feeling, it tends to backfire and it
leaves us feeling a lot worse.
It makes gratitude feel like a box to
check, like an obligation into something you can
feel like you're failing.

(04:36):
But gratitude is not a performance.
It's not an achievement.
It's not a personality trait.
It's a moment of noticing, and moments don't
appear just because we tell them to.
If anything, the more pressure we put on
ourselves to feel grateful, the harder it is
to access the real thing.

(04:56):
Pressure tightens the mind.
Gratitude needs space.
So if you haven't felt the classic hallmark
glow of thankfulness recently, it's not because you're
doing something wrong.
It's because you are making your way through
a world that oftentimes feels like a dumpster
fire, and you're doing it with discernment, honesty,
and a quiet endurance.

(05:18):
So let's call this what it is, messy
gratitude.
It's what happens when appreciation comes wrapped in
something darker, grief, fear, confusion, or change.
Messy gratitude is what you feel when you're
grateful for the time you had with someone,
but the ache of missing them is still

(05:38):
sharp.
It's the gratitude that surfaces when you're thankful
to have survived something really difficult, but part
of you is still processing what it cost.
It's the gratitude that whispers, I'm so glad
I made it through, while another part of
you says, but I'm not fully okay yet.

(06:01):
Messy gratitude is real, and it usually doesn't
look pretty from the outside.
It's the gratitude of the tender-hearted, the
stretched thin, the quietly grieving, the still healing.
And it's definitely not going to make it
onto a holiday card, but I think it's
the most honest gratitude of all.

(06:22):
Sometimes gratitude doesn't arrive as a thought like,
I'm thankful for this.
Sometimes it shows up as a feeling in
your body.
The moment cool water hits your hands and
your whole system exhales.
The soft crackle under your feet when you
step onto a gravel path.
The gentle tingling in your fingers as circulation
returns after being still for too long.

(06:45):
The sudden warmth that spreads through your chest
when you watch someone you love laugh.
The slow stretch of your arms when reaching
for something just out of reach.
The quiet relief of loosening your jaw and
realizing you were holding tension you didn't even
notice.
Even the prickles in your cheeks after coming

(07:05):
in from the cold.
These are all physical signals of presence and
grounding, gratitude without words.
A lot of people imagine gratitude as a
mindset, but it's also a bodily experience.
One you feel before you ever can name
it.
Noticing without demanding, feeling without forcing, letting the

(07:26):
body register a moment of enoughness.
So if your brain feels too full to
list what you're grateful for, try this instead.
Pay attention to one sensation that feels gentle.
Warmth.
Softness.
Sound.
Scent.
That's gratitude too, and it waits quietly for

(07:48):
you to notice it.
Even on the hardest days, quiet supports surround
us.
Most of the time they go unacknowledged.
Every piece of furniture you touch was made
by someone.
Every ingredient in your pantry was planted, tended,
harvested, transported, stocked, and purchased through the labor

(08:10):
of countless hands.
Even the heat in your home exists because
of engineers, drivers, technicians, and electricians.
People you'll likely never meet, but who make
the safety you feel right now possible.
We don't need to name all of this
every second.
That would be impossible.
But when we feel disconnected from gratitude, disconnected

(08:33):
from the world, even one small recognition of
these invisible helpers can help us reconnect the
thread.
Your day is held up by a whole
ecosystem of strangers doing their work, and your
life in its quietest moments rests on layers
of effort you didn't have to carry alone.
You didn't have to carry it alone, and

(08:55):
that's definitely worth noticing.
For many people, the holidays are simply hard.
There are financial pressures, family dynamics, memories that
don't match the warm stories we're told to
emulate, obligations that drain us instead of replenish,
expectations that feel like heavy coats you're supposed

(09:15):
to wear even if they don't fit anymore.
And even if the season itself is lovely,
it's still layered with the awareness of time
passing, kids growing up, aging relatives, shifting traditions,
and the bittersweetness of knowing that nothing stays
the same.
The holidays are tender moments.

(09:37):
Tender things bend and shift easily, and sometimes
they ache.
So if you're feeling offbeat or heavy or
just not in the mood, that's not a
failure of gratitude.
Again, that's just being human.
You don't owe anyone an emotionally tidy holiday
season, not even yourself.

(09:59):
Now one of the most healing approaches to
gratitude is to make it smaller on purpose.
Microgratitude.
Gratitude that doesn't try to swallow the entire
universe.
Gratitude that doesn't pretend that everything is okay.
Gratitude that doesn't rely on you being cheerful
or spiritually enlightened.
Just a single moment or a single object.

(10:21):
The way your coat smells after coming in
from the cold.
The faint hum of the dishwasher doing its
slow, steady work.
A leaf stuck to the windshield like a
small, stubborn star.
The way the grocery store lights reflect off
the apples in a bin.
The softness of a new sock.

(10:41):
Tiny gratitude.
Unimpressive gratitude.
Honest gratitude.
It doesn't have to be transformative.
It doesn't have to spiritualize your whole life.
It just has to be real.
What if this year, instead of trying to
feel grateful the right way, you gave yourself

(11:03):
permission to redefine what gratitude looks like.
Maybe your gratitude is quieter or slower or
mixed with grief or tangled with exhaustion or
simply out of focus right now.
That is all allowed.
There is no single correct way to be

(11:24):
thankful.
There's only the way that feels true in
this moment.
Your gratitude may be incomplete, imperfect, inconsistent, or
invisible to others.
And still, still it counts.
There is something brave about being honest with
yourself in a season that pressures everyone toward

(11:45):
emotional uniformity.
Sometimes the most courageous gratitude is the willingness
to say things like, I'm grateful for what
I can see and I'm still struggling.
I'm thankful for some things and grieving others.
I appreciate what I have, but I wish
the year had gone differently.

(12:07):
I'm glad for this moment, even if it's
small.
This is what real thankfulness looks like.
It's not a glossy picture of perfection.
And this version of gratitude doesn't erase anything.
It includes everything.
Instead of treating gratitude like a feeling you
have to produce, what if it's simply the

(12:29):
act of being here?
Being awake to the life you are actually
living, not the life you're supposed to be
living, not the fantasy version of yourself that
holiday movies tells you to become, not the
curated image of a family gathering where everyone
behaves and gets along.
Just here, in this body, in this room,

(12:51):
in this moment.
Presence is its own form of gratitude.
Sometimes the most honest thank you we can
offer the world is simply this, hey, I'm
here.
I'm paying attention and I'm doing my best.
Sometime in the next day or two, take

(13:13):
30 seconds and look around the room you're
in.
Let your eyes land on one object, any
object, a cup, a lamp, a book, a
sneaker, a plant, a remote, a piece of
mail, literally anything.
And then gently ask yourself, what small way
is this object making my life easier or

(13:35):
softer or more possible?
You don't need a profound answer.
Like maybe the cup holds water.
The lamp lets you read.
Maybe the book reminds you that you're curious
and the sneaker helps you move through the
world.
Maybe that little plant is proof that something

(13:55):
in your home is growing quietly.
Just one small moment of noticing, that's all.
That humble moment is gratitude.
Even if your heart is tired, even when
life feels messy, even if you're still waiting
for clarity or healing or rest, gratitude doesn't

(14:16):
need your life to be perfect.
It only needs a little attention.
So if this season is complicated for you
for whatever reason, let this be your permission
slip.
Your gratitude does not need to be glossy.
It does not need to be Instagrammable.
It doesn't need to be loud and it
doesn't need to be obvious to anyone else.

(14:38):
You are allowed to hold thankfulness and weariness
at the same time.
You're allowed to feel appreciation without pretending the
year was easy.
You are allowed to have a heart that's
still mending and still grateful.
The world tells us that gratitude should look
like a glowing candle in a spotless room,

(14:59):
but maybe gratitude is the gentle squeeze of
a loved one's hand, the warmth of sheets
fresh from the dryer, or the soft give
of a couch cushion as you sink into
it.
Gratitude isn't a performance.
It's a way of noticing.
And even in a complicated season, there's always
space for noticing.

(15:21):
I truly appreciate you being here with me.
Share this episode with a friend who might
need it, and subscribe to the None But
Curious podcast.
And wherever you are, whatever you're carrying, and
whatever the season asks of you, may you
find one small moment that softens the edges
of the day.