209. What should you say when you find out your child is self-harming?

Non-suicidal self-injury is showing up earlier and more often than many expect, and most adults feel unprepared when it does. In this episode, Andrew and Dr. Caroline talk openly about why kids hurt themselves without wanting to die, what it actually gives them, and why the usual reactions can make things worse.

Caroline breaks down what’s happening in the brain when emotions feel too big to handle, why pain can feel like relief, and how social media is quietly amplifying the problem. You’ll hear what signs to watch for, how to respond without pushing your child away, and what to say when you don’t know what to say.

This conversation also tackles common assumptions, including the idea that kids are “just looking for attention,” and replaces it with a clearer understanding of what’s really going on beneath the surface.

If you want practical ways to keep communication open, support emotional regulation, and create a home where kids feel safe sharing hard things, this episode gives you a starting point that actually works in real life.

Homework Ideas
Practice neutral responses
Next time your child shares something uncomfortable, pause before reacting.
Say: “Thanks for telling me. I’m glad you came to me.”
Goal: build safety, not fear.

Build daily low-stakes connection
Spend 10 minutes a day talking about anything they choose. No correcting or teaching.  This creates the foundation so they come to you when it matters.

Expand emotional vocabulary together
Instead of “fine” or “bad,” ask: “Was it frustrating? Disappointing? Stressful?”
Name emotions out loud in everyday moments.

Co-watch and audit social media
Sit beside them and scroll together.  Ask what they notice, what feels good, what feels heavy.  Adjust what they’re exposed to.

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