In this powerful PBSE conversation (Episode 298), we respond to a listener who vulnerably asked whether he is staying in his marriage out of love—or out of fear and obligation. Three and a half months into the space between Discovery Day and full therapeutic disclosure, he wonders if he can truly love his wife, or if he is staying simply because of the kids, his reputation, or fear of being alone. Mark and Steve normalize these questions and share how fear-based thinking dominates the early stages of recovery, often leaving addicts panicked, frozen, and driven by “shoulds” instead of authentic desire.
We discuss how these questions often reflect growth, not failure. Moving from a “me” mindset to a “we” mindset can feel foreign and terrifying, but it is a critical milestone in recovery. We encourage addicts to avoid “future tripping”—trying to predict where they’ll be in five, ten, or twenty years—and instead focus on the next right step. We also reframe the partner’s question, “Do you really want me?” as a bid for connection and safety, not a demand for a lifetime guarantee.
Ultimately, recovery is about gradually putting down the masks, moving out of obligation, and stepping into authentic choice. Relationships will always involve risk, but we are wired for connection, not disconnection. As addicts and partners commit to healing, they return to their natural state of love, intimacy, and collaboration. There are no guarantees about the future, but by staying present, honest, and connected, couples can rebuild a marriage that is chosen—not just endured.
For a full transcript of this podcast in article format, go to: As a Recovering Porn & Sex Addict, What is Keeping Me in My Marriage?
Learn more about Mark and Steve's revolutionary online porn/sexual addiction recovery and betrayal trauma healing program at—daretoconnectnow.com
Find out more about Steve Moore at: Ascension Counseling
Learn more about Mark Kastleman at: Reclaim Counseling Services
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