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December 26, 2023 40 mins

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To celebrate the endo f 2023, Ellen and Tish are resharing the top episodes of the year - ICMI (in case you missed it).  Today we revisit episode 68 on midlife over commitment.  Tish and Ellen address how midlife is the best time to learn to prioritize, set boundaries, delegate tasks, and practice self-care.... and they give themselves a little grace too.  Enjoy this 2023 ICMI episode. 

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Ever felt shackled to a to-do list that's longer than a CVS receipt? Ellen and I certainly have, and we're peeling back the layers of why our calendars are crammed with more than just cozy fall recipes and autumn equinox festivities. Our latest chat bravely confronts the tangled web of social expectations and perfectionism that lead us down the path of overcommitment, especially prevalent among women at midlife. We're swapping tales of FOMO and sharing the candid crunch of realizing when your 'yes' should've been a 'no'. 

With laughter, empathy, and a dash of tough love, we navigate the choppy waters of saying 'no' and the relief that follows. We get real about the art of people-pleasing and the necessity of pausing before piling on more to our plates. Through tales of car cleaning gone wrong and the familiar itch to appease, we're here to remind you that sometimes, checking your calendar is more vital than checking off tasks. Ellen and I don't shy away from the PPT—People Pleasing Trap—and we're dishing out strategies to strike a balance between being generous with your time and being generous to yourself.

As the conversation winds down, we embrace the quiet strength found in solitude, dissecting the difference between being alone and feeling lonely. We muse on the evolution of downtime needs as we journey through midlife and the wisdom of setting boundaries that are less about fences and more about self-preservation. So, if your soul's crying out for a breather, let our talk be the sign you've been waiting for. It's time to honor your needs, find joy in your commitments, and maybe, just maybe, treat yourself to a mini Dutch oven meal—because you deserve it.

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Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Ellen, can we just stop being that?
Yes, girl, you know, I thoughttoday that we could dive in and
explore a topic that many of uscan so relate to over commitment
.

Speaker 2 (00:16):
You're singing my song here, tish.

Speaker 1 (00:19):
You know, why do women at midlife seem to find
themselves stretched too thin,juggling countless
responsibilities and constantlysaying yes, yes, yes, the things
they might not even want to doright.
So joining us today are twoincredible experts on the over
commitment Us, yes, you and me,we're the experts Exactly, and

(00:45):
we're going to help unravel thisconundrum and provide some
valuable insights and maybe evena few strategies.

Speaker 2 (00:54):
You know, tish, we were chatting about this on
Saturday and you mentioned to meyou were over committed and
feeling anxious, and we havetalked about why, at midlife,
we're still finding ourselves inthis situation.
Is it FOMO?
Is it habit?
You know what is it Exactly?

(01:14):
But before we dive into thistopic where you and I are the
experts, let's get to myfavorite part of the show our
weekly obsessions.
What do you got?

Speaker 1 (01:28):
for me, tish.
You know, with the fall comingon to us, I start making more
savory foods for dinner, right?
But it's just me in the houseright now and I still want my
dinner to feel a little special,right?
So I have found these amazinglittle Dutch ovens Stove Am I

(01:51):
saying that, right, ellen Stove.

Speaker 2 (01:54):
Stop, stop.

Speaker 1 (01:55):
Stop.
Oh my gosh, I'm the worstpronounce or the world, but they
are the most beautiful littleDutch ovens, but they come in
minis, right?
So when you're thinking aboutthat cooking for one, or you
know making a special, even ifyou're cooking for you know even
two and three, but you want alittle special side dish, that
needs to go into a Dutch oven.

(02:16):
These are absolutely beautiful,deep blue.
They all have their own littlelids.
So that is my obsession forfall meal prep.

Speaker 2 (02:28):
I love that and, just like you, I really do a lot
more of those fall vegetables,the roasted butternut squash,
all of that.
And it is true, you want it tostill be nice even when it's
just you or you plus one, right.

Speaker 1 (02:43):
Exactly, exactly.
So that's my obsession for theweek.
What about you, ellen?
What is your obsession thisweek?

Speaker 2 (02:51):
Well, I, my obsession is a very cool event and you
know it is for the autumnequinox.
The autumn equinox again.

Speaker 1 (03:02):
People that can't pronounce anything today
Anything, I don't know right.

Speaker 2 (03:06):
I know a friend is hosting a bonfire at a local
beach here where we canincinerate some of the things
that we're letting go of fromwhen summer turns to fall.
And yes, you know, as a recentempty nester, I can only say
that for a few more weeks, soI'm going to say it again I am
bringing some things that arekey to my transition from a

(03:30):
full-time mothering to apart-time mothering of adults,
and I'm going to bring a sockfrom my mismatched bondage,
individual socks and a bigCostco bill, because those are
two things that I'm putting tome, as it's just me in the house
.
So mark your calendars, people.

(03:51):
I think it's a great way for usto mark the turning of the
seasons.

Speaker 1 (03:58):
I love that idea of just kind of bringing your
community, your little tribe,together, but also kind of this
idea of letting go of stuffthat's been happening, whether
it's huge food bills from yourkids or all the mismatched socks
in your dryer I don't knowwhere.
I still don't know where theyall go.
One of these days we're goingto find a mountain of them

(04:20):
somewhere.
But it's that idea of likephysically letting certain
things go and like burning themup or whatever, just that
recognition.
But I love how you're doing itwith your tribe and what a
creative friends you have.
I love it.

Speaker 2 (04:37):
Oh, this friend is so creative.
So now let's get back to whatyou had going on that brought up
this topic of over commitmentat midlife.
Can you share with us a littlebit what we were talking about?

Speaker 1 (04:51):
Yeah, so I actually had two commitments.
I had two different people thathad wanted me to do stuff.
I wanted to do both.

Speaker 2 (05:00):
And.

Speaker 1 (05:01):
I was so stressed out I didn't know.
I don't know how to say nosometimes, I don't know how to
prioritize sometimes, and I hadsuch anxiety and at the end of
the day, I didn't have time foreither of these things.
Fantastic.

Speaker 2 (05:20):
If I recall, it was the forecast too.

Speaker 1 (05:23):
Right, right and so yes.
So this is what really broughtthis to my forefront, really
kind of focused on this.
Why do I keep finding myself inthis over commitment conundrum?
And I thought we need to talkabout this.

Speaker 2 (05:39):
Yeah, well, let's dive in and explore why over
commitment seems to be recurringissue, not just for you and me,
but many, many women, many ofour friends here at midlife.
So I thought maybe today wecould explore the top five
reasons behind this phenomenon,this growing phenomenon, and why

(06:00):
we find ourselves in thispredicament, and also some
things to do to get ourselvesout of it.

Speaker 1 (06:07):
Exactly so.
I don't think this conversationcould really start anywhere but
FOMO, the fear of missing out,right, this need to fill a void
in our lives.
So midlife often comes with aunique set of challenges, you
know so, such as the kids areleaving the nest, we have aging

(06:29):
parents that need care, ourcareers are in transitions, and
all these life changes can leadto this fear of missing out on
things and this desire, thisburning desire for us to fill
the void of all these othercommitments that may not be
there on a daily basis for usanymore, and we feel this need

(06:54):
to fill every moment.

Speaker 2 (06:57):
Maybe Tish too.
It's because before everymoment was filled and it's just
what we're freaking used to, youknow, and we haven't really
given ourselves permission to bestill and to feel right, that
transition or that emptiness,and it doesn't have to be bad.

(07:22):
But I think a lot of times forme it's that fear right, and
it's going to bring up one otherthing, and many of us may think
this is silly, but social media, I think, plays a big part in
this.

Speaker 1 (07:36):
Oh yes.

Speaker 2 (07:37):
In life.
I mean, I know we talk about itwith teens and tweens and you
know that age, but I'll tell you, almost every time I get on
Facebook it looks likeeverybody's having a lot more
fun than me.
Things come up.
I'm like I want to grab themright.
So I think that FOMO really cancome from that.

Speaker 1 (08:00):
I would agree.
I think that definitely fuelsthat fire of I'm missing out on
something.
And how do we balance thatright?
How do we balance between doingenough to keep our lives full
and not over committing?
And I think that's what reallywhat we're going to unpack today
is how do we find that happymedium?

(08:21):
You know, I found that when myyoungest Leon first left home,
you know, I had this tendency toover commit just to keep myself
busy, right, and I think overtime I learned to start pulling
back from doing everything andjust really focusing, and I did
that, I think, because I didn'twant to be alone, right, and now

(08:44):
I think I'm becoming moreselective to do the things that
I just really want to do, andbut I can find that the over
commitment keeps creeping inthere, though, right, and this
is hard because I think for mepersonally, because I adore
trying new things.

(09:04):
So when somebody puts somethingnew in front of me, it's like
that shiny new toy, I need to doit.
So it's going to be a hardbalance for me to find how to
not over commit but still keepthings full.

Speaker 2 (09:19):
You know, I've seen and watched you do this over the
last year and you went from,you know, 150% committed to what
I think is a really good levelof commitment, right, and I've
had to learn how to do this tooTish, because everything does
sound good to me, right, likeevery expectation.

(09:41):
Almost there's like one in 10that I'm like, yeah, I don't
really want to do that and it'slike how do you pull back when
there's a lot of great thingsand opportunities coming coming
your way?
And I think that's really whereit comes in.
And I know you and I havetalked about this in the past
where I've learned to say let mecheck my schedule right, so

(10:05):
that we have that pause betweensaying yes and really deciding
if it's something we want to do.

Speaker 1 (10:15):
And we're going to unpack that more later in this
episode, but that is one of thekey things.
I think you've hit the nail onthe head of how to stop
ourselves in that moment.

Speaker 2 (10:28):
I know, I know, it's so true.
And reason two is another majorreason that leads to
overcommitment, and it's livingup to perfection Ding, ding,
ding, ding ding.

Speaker 1 (10:39):
Oh wow, yeah, this is key, this is key.

Speaker 2 (10:44):
Yeah, you know, these expectations in society and the
pressure to be a perfect motherpartner, be the perfect
professional at work, reallyhave pushed women to overcommit
and they're unrealistic and it'sone of this that started, I say
, in the 70s and the 80s of wecan have it all right.

Speaker 1 (11:06):
Oh, that commercial, that commercial.
I keep going back to thatcommercial.
That's great.

Speaker 2 (11:12):
We can come to bacon right up in a pan.

Speaker 1 (11:16):
Right Everything?
Exactly Not.
You know, we've talked aboutthis before, this idea of
successful women have to do itall right and we have to do it
with exceedingly high standards.
We just can't just do it, wehave to do it.
Amazing, right.
You know, ellen, why do youthink that we take this

(11:38):
unrealistic expectation on?

Speaker 2 (11:43):
Oh, I think there's so many reasons, you know, I
think that it feels good to beperfect and the one that has the
great looking home and the kidsare never dirty and in great
outfits, and we're jogging fivemiles every morning before going
to work and meals and and, andyou know, I think we have to

(12:07):
just drop that bad habit right.
And yeah is that we need tostop worrying about that and
start worrying about whatpleases us, what brings joy to
ourselves, what's important tous, and where we can go with
that versus what society isexpecting of us.

(12:28):
I mean, you know, thosecatalogs that come in the mail
restoration hardware and potterybarn and all of that life that
that's not life.
That's not real.

Speaker 1 (12:40):
You know, I think that word expectation again you
know we're hammering thesepoints in that is a huge one.
Expectation is sometimes such adirty word, right, ellen?
Do you ever feel like at thispoint in your life that we are
also expected to have all theanswers to everything?

Speaker 2 (13:02):
I don't know.
I mean I think at this pointit's a great point for us to
admit we don't right.
Here is that inflection pointand saying maybe I thought, I
had it all figured out, but youknow what I don't.
But what I'm going to do is I'mgoing to be open, I'm going to

(13:23):
open my heart and I'm going tofigure it out, and that's what I
like about that.

Speaker 1 (13:30):
So this whole superwoman syndrome is another
aspect of this perfectionismissue that we deal with right,
and you know how does it affectmidlife women specifically and
what can we do to address thisor counteract this?

Speaker 2 (13:48):
No, it's true.
I mean, I've definitely beensomebody that's felt good.
When people say, I don't knowhow you do it Three kids, full
time job, a podcast, whateveryou know it feels like that pat
on the back resonates with us.
But it really shouldn't.
And this superwoman syndrome,this belief that we can excel at

(14:11):
every aspect of our livessimultaneously, is unrealistic.
I just want to tell a quicklittle story here, not to harken
back to when my kids wereyounger.
But people would say to me well, how do you do it?
And I would say, well, I justhad to lower my standards a
little bit.
You know something that was awinner Sometimes it was mac and

(14:36):
cheese and some berries, right,I mean it.
Just I think that's part of itis that women we need to admit
to each other were not superwomen.
And maybe that's where that canstart.

Speaker 1 (14:50):
You know, I think there's a lot of women that
wouldn't admit to it.
They'd say well, you know, Iget up an hour early, I do blah,
blah, blah, I do my Pilates,you know, and we perpetuate this
, this whole superwoman syndrome, on each other, and and I think
we need to let each other offthe hook and saying it's okay

(15:13):
for every aspect not to beperfect simultaneously, right?

Speaker 2 (15:18):
Yeah, it's true, I have a good friend, and right
when we started being friendsabout 10 years ago, she said to
me oh, I thought you were MarthaStewart.
Oh honey, let me in on, let melet you in on some of the
secrets in my life.

Speaker 1 (15:36):
But this has been an issue for a while.
I know there was a 2018 articlein prevention that was talking
about this superwoman syndromeand how it it has led to the
cause for women to suffer fromtwice as much depression and
anxiety than men have.

Speaker 2 (15:57):
You know that's startling, but I can see it as
being the case Because you know,tish, when I sit around in a
conference room or a virtualconference room with a lot of
different men and women, I don'tthink the men are worrying
about what's for dinner or ifthey're having a college
application, or if their sonneeds some shots play on the

(16:19):
volleyball team, right?
I think that's the bigdifference is we women have
taken on everything and arejuggling so much.
Every woman I know has beenaffected by the superwoman
syndrome.

Speaker 1 (16:34):
Have you ever heard another woman say oh, you know,
I really need a good wife.

Speaker 2 (16:39):
I say that all the time.
If I just had a wife.

Speaker 1 (16:44):
I know right, I can conquer the world.
I couldn't be superwoman, rightand well, you know.
I believe the best way toaddress this is women at midlife
really need to challenge theseunrealistic expectations and
start practicing some selfcompassion for themselves.

Speaker 2 (17:04):
Wow, hello.
It's true Self compassion, andyou know I've started saying to
a lot of my girlfriends to giveyourself some grace, give
yourself a space here, you knowwhen they're feeling frustrated
or taking on too much, and Ithink that that is okay.

(17:27):
You know, it's not all going tobe perfect in every aspect.
And let's also talk aboutasking for help.
This is something I learned waytoo late In life.
Tish, I don't know about you,but it's part of that dirty
underbelly of superwoman.
So asking for help is the antisuperwoman, you know, it's so

(17:49):
healthy and so good and it's nota weakness, and I guess I just
was like I can do it all, I cando it all.
I won't ask for help.
Now I've realized that my tribe, my community, wants help.

Speaker 1 (18:05):
Right.
So I think the question becomesis how do we find this balance?
You know, balancingresponsibilities and commitments
can be such a challenge, and Ithink we need to come up with
strategies for women at midlifethat they can achieve this
healthier balance to their lives.
And I think it's going to startwith acknowledging you do not

(18:30):
have to be superwomen.

Speaker 2 (18:33):
I agree, Tish.
I do not have to be asuperwoman.
How about you?

Speaker 1 (18:38):
I do not have to be a superwoman, so true, I like it.

Speaker 2 (18:43):
Saying it out loud feels good, alright.

Speaker 1 (18:47):
Reason number three Wait, wait, wait Before you go
on to three.
I think the second half of thatis I don't expect my tribe to
have to be superwomen either.

Speaker 2 (18:59):
That's right, and sometimes I find myself having
to force my help on people.
You know it's like come on,take me up on this, take me up
on this, and I've noticed I'lldo that back.
So it's being open, right.

Speaker 1 (19:14):
Yes.

Speaker 2 (19:15):
The idea of being open.
Okay, reason number three canbe poor time management.
I think for me and you,identifying our top priorities
and allocating the time andenergy to those really helps us.
And delegating and seeking help, just like we were saying, from

(19:37):
friends to ease the burden,those are really important to me
and I don't find I have theenergy I did before.
A lot of times I talk to youabout this because I have a few
autoimmune conditions and Inotice it's really taken down my
energy level and I can't doeverything even though I want.

Speaker 1 (20:02):
Exactly so, I think.
To compensate, to make surethat you get the things in that
are important, time managementbecomes key right?
We have to look at where ourtime is spent and use it
efficiently.
Because we don't have thoseendless amounts of energy, we
are not going to stay up tilltwo o'clock in the morning doing

(20:25):
X, y and Z and still get up andbe fresh for work.
So are you all nighters at this?
No, no, not without a huge costthat we really shouldn't be
paying right.
I think that's a really goodstrategy to help us from over
committing is when we do ask forhelp, right, and you also part

(20:48):
of that right in the asking forhelp is not expecting things to
be done as you would do themright.
So I think this has alwaysprevented me and you tell me if
you're guilty of this too.
I have neglected asking my kidsfor help because they're not

(21:09):
going to do it.
As good as I could, I didn'task my spouse or partner because
he's not going to do it.
You know what?
So what?
They would have helped and theywould have had opportunities to
learn and develop their ownskill set that I robbed them
from.

Speaker 2 (21:27):
Yeah, you know, I love how you put that.
I think one of the biggest onespeople talk about is not
loading the dishwasher the rightway, right?
I mean, I've never been one tocare how my dishwasher was
loaded, so that wasn't one forme.
But you know, a few months agomy son will took my car on a
camping trip and it came backand I said I need you to wash my

(21:50):
car.
And when I said that dish, whatI meant was wash the outside
vacuum, the inside windex, likeyou know, the home nine yards.
What I wanted was to not get inmy car and think that it had
been camping.

Speaker 1 (22:08):
With a teenage boys, boys.

Speaker 2 (22:11):
I think they were like the car holds seven, I
think there were at least sevenin my car, bestie dirty.
I must have gone two or threetimes back to him and been like
it is not good enough.
And you know that car putty yourecommended, yes, and I'm
session.
I had him doing it with a carputty, but by the end I was

(22:35):
doing the car putty you know,all over the dashboard and so
you know part of it to you isteaching people are helping them
understand what ourexpectations were, because he
just went and ran it through thecar wash downtown $30.
It was like, no, that was notit.
So I think that is our biggestfear that things won't get done.

(22:56):
Quote, unquote right, yeah.

Speaker 1 (23:01):
But I think also within this time management
thing, besides adjusting ourperfectionist standards, you
know when we're asking for help.
I think another key componentto this is before you answer.
When somebody asks you to dosomething, before you want to
sign up for something, yourstandard response should always

(23:23):
be let me check my calendarfirst.
Don't be so impulsive to sayyes, yes, let me.
It sounds great, but let mecheck my calendar first.

Speaker 2 (23:37):
You know, this is the biggest, I think, aha moment,
tish for us midlife women andmaybe for women everywhere.
And I paid a lot of money intherapy to learn this technique,
which is, hey, let me check mycalendar to give myself that

(23:57):
pause.
And I had a friend who sharedwith me that I always committed
and then canceled, and it wasnot good.
And you know what would happenis, of course I wanted to do
whatever it was shopping a walk,you know, going out to the

(24:20):
beach but when it came rightdown to it I didn't have the
time or the energy to do itTruly and I disappointed her and
that was the least of what Iwanted to do.
So sometimes making that pause,checking it, it saves you that

(24:40):
outcome where you're somebodywho's known as somebody who
cancels at the last minute.
I wanted to be the kind ofperson I wanted to be known for.
I think it works so well, Evenif the front halt is green.
It's a slippery slope, I cantell you.

Speaker 1 (25:01):
Yes, yes, but I think by keeping a calendar that
includes both our work andsocial commitments right,
because we do need to look atour work commitments.
If we know we are going to havea path day at work, right,
maybe going out to dinner thatnight is not the best option,
right?
So I think we need to have thatwork social calendar and we

(25:24):
take the time to step backbefore committing, to ensure
that we are agreeing to live upto self care in this whole
equation, that we're not justdoing it for someone else, but
that when we do commit to anactivity, that we are all in and

(25:44):
we are enjoying it to thefullest right.
But I think a key component tothis part of it is that doing
that is not selfish.
Taking care of yourself is notselfish.

Speaker 2 (26:03):
Truth right there.
That is the truth and, like inmy case, it helps you avoid
disappointment and living up toyour commitments.

Speaker 1 (26:12):
Yeah, Right, so we're going to move on to our fourth
reason.
Right and I call this PPT isthe fourth reason that we find
ourselves in the over-commitmentconundrum.

Speaker 2 (26:25):
Well, PPT to me means PowerPoint presentation.

Speaker 1 (26:30):
Well, here in the over-commitment world, PPT is
the people-pleasing trap okay,and our difficulty with saying
no.
So one major factor behindover-commitment is the
uncontrollable driving tendencyto please others and never tell

(26:55):
them no.
I think this is how we wereraised.
And how do you seepeople-pleasing behaviors play a
role in your over-commitment,Ellen?

Speaker 2 (27:05):
Wow, this one speaks to me so directly, tish, and as
a reformed people-pleaser, I cansay that reformed at this age,
I understand this one intimately, and people-pleasers often
struggle to say no because theyfear disappointing or letting
others down.
But what they do is you letyourself down and you put

(27:27):
yourself in a really badsituation.
It's like all these crazymachinations that we do to
ourselves rather than saying no.

Speaker 1 (27:37):
You know that recent Psychology Today article from
April really addressed thedangers of being a
people-pleaser.

Speaker 2 (27:45):
Yes, and the article warned the damage deep into
their own well-being and senseof self, like I said, and
people-pleasing leads to burnout, and the person you're not
pleasing is yourself.
Right, it's such a viciouscycle.

Speaker 1 (28:05):
You know, color me guilty on PPT right, this idea
that good girls take care ofothers around them.
And that's not to say that weshouldn't do things for our
loved ones.
But it becomes an issue when wechoose people-pleasing over our

(28:26):
own self-care.
So the other weekend I wasexhausted from a full week at
work and really wanted some restand quiet time.
But I had committed to meetingup with a friend and I
definitely was putting theirfeelings ahead of getting some
rest and I thought why do I dothat?

Speaker 2 (28:51):
What was your answer when you thought about that?

Speaker 1 (28:55):
Wow, it really kind of made me do, and it was really
the driving force into wantingto do this episode was I do it a
lot and I started to noticethat I do do it a lot.
I enjoy pleasing people, Ienjoy taking care of people.
So I'm not doing this out ofjust a completely altruistic.

(29:19):
You know that's part of myidentity.
But the trouble for me comes inis when I know it's damaging to
me and I still do it anyway,and so that's the part that I
want to work on this year, notthat I want to become
self-centered and never doanything for anyone, because I

(29:40):
do love.
That Is how it's finding thebalance again.
Right, it always goes back tofinding the balance.

Speaker 2 (29:49):
I mean.
For me, part of it has beensome self-discovery here at
Midlife that I need moredowntime than I've ever needed
in the past, that time torecharge.
I love reading, you know.
I love to be puttering in mygarden.
There are things that I'verealized when I looked at what I

(30:10):
enjoy.
A lot of it's solitary.
I need that.
Yes, that's what my body and mymind need, and when I just take
things you know to beconstantly busy or over commit
which I love too I'm not givingmy body and my mind what it

(30:32):
really needs.
It's almost like I'm anextroverted introvert, if that
makes sense right, it reallydoes.

Speaker 1 (30:40):
I think at Midlife it's this aha moment of what I
need is different than what Ineeded 10 and 15 years ago or 20
years ago.
Right, and I love how youbrought that out.
We do need that solitude.
Solitude does not equalloneliness, solitude.

(31:00):
Solitude is that time ofself-care and rejuvenation so we
can go out and do that Out intothe world and be that better
person again.
I like that point Again,balancing those two things.
It's not an easy thing and Ithink part of that all is

(31:22):
setting realistic boundaries.
We talk about boundaries allthe time and here's just another
incident.
You know seeking support andassistance and we've talked
about that in the last example,but those are very key
components to this.

Speaker 2 (31:42):
Yeah, and when you have healthy boundaries and you
have more self-awareness aboutwhat you need and what your body
needs, like this is the firsttime I've heard you talk about
this, Tish, and it's like it's abig awareness around what you
need to be healthy and I lovehearing that and I really was so

(32:03):
happy that this conversationspurred us to talk about this
today.

Speaker 1 (32:08):
But don't you also think that before we can fix
something, we have to becomeself-aware of it and the impacts
that it has on us?
So I think I would love ourlisteners to think what areas do
they over commit and what typeof impact is this having on
their lives, and what steps canthey take for better self-care?

Speaker 2 (32:32):
Bravo.
I completely agree.
Awareness is the first step.
And to all those new emptynesters out there, right, take
that inventory and don't try andjust fill that space.
I think that that's a really,really good advice.
So, as we wrap up today'sepisode, what kind of final

(32:53):
thoughts or advice do you have,tish, anything else that you
want to share for our listenerswho are also struggling with
this over commitment conundrum?

Speaker 1 (33:05):
I think we all need to remember that we are not
alone in this struggle, right.
So identifying where you areguilty of this or whatever, or
you slip into this, right, butalso seeking the support of the
people around you, whetherthat's through therapy, support
groups or just trusted friends.
And again, I say trustedfriends because if you don't

(33:31):
want to say this to everybody,because they're going to want
you to keep being the PPT, thepeople pleaser, or they're going
to want you to always commit toeverything and so, but a
trusted friend is going to tellyou I understand, right.
And I think the other keytakeaway here is we need to be

(33:52):
kind to ourselves and you areenough just as you are.
You don't need to over committo feel validated.

Speaker 2 (34:06):
I love that and I think for many of us this is a
big pivot or a big change in ourlives, where we are, and I love
this idea of kind,self-kindness and, as I said
earlier, grace, right To honoryourself and that sacred part of

(34:27):
your soul that needs to benourished and recharged.

Speaker 1 (34:31):
Now, ellen, I know we were saying we were wrapping it
up, but I do think that wewould be negligent if we don't
go over one more final reasonthat we find ourselves over
committing.

Speaker 2 (34:43):
Okay, what is it?

Speaker 1 (34:45):
Okay.
So I think for me, there's somany times that I've turned down
social engagements because I'velearned to set better
priorities right and in order tobe able to do that, in order to

(35:06):
be able to put the things thatare our priority in your life
and that's what this is aboutthis over commitment is not
knowing what the priorities are.
So you're just saying yes toeverything.
It's a blanket yes toeverything, but that takes a
step.
First, we have to do someself-reflection on what is
important to us, and I thinkwe're raised to think that again

(35:30):
, that's Superwoman Syndrome wecan do everything, we can do
everything right, but I think weneed to understand and we need
to have a conversation withourselves, whether it's
journaling or just kind ofthinking through things, going a
long walk what are yourpriorities and put them in order
, and then, before you make anytype of commitments, is it

(35:53):
honoring your top priorities?

Speaker 2 (35:56):
I really love that and I'm glad that you took the
time to share that with us.
Tish and you know, for me, ourpodcast is a big priority and
that has changed a lot of mysocial engagements, and I know
for you too.

Speaker 1 (36:11):
Absolutely.
And you know, I have a reallygood friend, constance, and
sometimes she'll be like, hey,let's go and do this and it
sounds wonderful.
And all I have to say to her is, hey, I'm working on the
podcast.
She immediately stops and saysI got it because she knows that
is a top priority for me rightnow and she doesn't push, she

(36:33):
doesn't throw the guilt card inthere.
Oh, I need you to do this, so Iwant you to do this.
She already knows, because Ishared that with her, that this
is such a priority for me and Ilike that, that that part, and I
yeah, it's important.

Speaker 2 (36:52):
I do too, and we should not let someone else
choose our priorities byenticing us to do something when
we've got other things going on.
Guard your priorities, becausethey are just the most important
things you have in your life.
And I know it can be hard andit's a change, and you may have

(37:15):
a little backsliding here andthere, but just get up, dust
yourself off and move forward.

Speaker 1 (37:21):
You know.
So I think everybody can relateto something, one or all of
these five reasons why we tendto overcommit.
And I think when we don't havea clear idea of who we are and
what is important to us, we areat risk for overcommitment.
So, as always, in midlife, weare rediscovering who we are and

(37:46):
what we're passionate about.
So these boundaries, thesecommitments, these ideas, these
are changing.
These are not set in stonethings, and we need to be
constantly taking a look atwhat's important, where our
commitments are.
Yeah, Absolutely.

Speaker 2 (38:07):
I mean, as you said, it is a common challenge, but
here in midlife is the perfectpoint to change what hasn't been
working for you.
Sometimes people will saywhen's the last time that worked
for you?
And I'll say when I was five,maybe seven, right.
I mean, we carry some habitswith us that no longer work or

(38:30):
serve us, and I thinkovercommitment is definitely one
of those, and it can be managed.
As we said, self-awareness,self-compassion and grace, that
willingness to set boundarieswhich also is a hard thing for
us and prioritize our ownself-care and well-being.

Speaker 1 (38:49):
Yeah Well, it is time to wrap up this week, so I want
to thank you, all of ourlisteners, for joining us today
on the Positively Midlifepodcast.
It is our top priority it trulyis.
But remember you can findresources and links related in
today's episode in our shownotes.

(39:10):
So until next time.
I want to do a special shoutout to our ever-growing audience
in the UK, our friends acrossthe pond.
We love to see more and more ofyou joining us each week, so
please continue to share thispodcast with your girl tribe,

(39:30):
because we've got things to say.
We do and if you'd love to shareany of your feedback.
We do have an email address atpositivelymidlifepodcom at Gmail
, so we welcome any commentsthat you'd like to share with us
.

Speaker 2 (39:48):
And feedback till next week, midlifers.
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