December 1, 2025 • 18 mins
Understanding Limerence: The Psychological and Neurological Perspectives
In this episode of PsyberSpace, host Leslie Poston digs into the phenomenon of limerence, a state of intense, often obsessive longing that is frequently mistaken for love. Leslie explores how limerence manifests and differs from love and lust, particularly in neurodivergent individuals and those with trauma. The discussion covers the impact of modern technology and social media in intensifying these feelings. Practical advice is offered for managing and overcoming limerence, emphasizing the importance of grounding oneself in reality and seeking support when needed.
00:00 Introduction to Limerence
00:42 Understanding Limerence
02:27 Limerence in Neurodivergent Individuals
07:22 The Role of Social Media
09:14 Parasocial Relationships and Limerence
10:52 The Emotional Impact of Limerence
12:53 Breaking the Limerent Loop
15:48 Factors Contributing to Limerence
16:57 Conclusion and Resources
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Leslie Poston (00:12):
Welcome to PsyberSpace. I'm your host,
Leslie Poston. Do you knowsomeone, and maybe that someone
is you, who's refreshed apotential love interest
Instagram seven times in anhour? They knew what time they
posted. They had theories aboutwho they were with based on
background details in theirstories.
(00:33):
They could tell someone whatsongs that person listened to
three months ago, and thatperson didn't even know their
middle name. The example youjust heard is something called
limerence the intense, oftenobsessive longing that people
sometimes mistake for love. It'sreplaying a text message a 100
(00:55):
times, reading signs in everysilence, building entire futures
in your head around someone whobarely knows you, or maybe who
knows you but just doesn't feelthe same way. Limerence isn't
the same as love it's not evenalways romantic. But it can
completely hijack your brain.
(01:16):
And if you're neurodivergent, itcan hit you even harder. Today,
we're unpacking limerence from apsychological and neurological
perspective. We're talking abouthow it shows up differently for
people who are autistic, or whohave ADHD, OCD, and trauma.
We'll look at how modern techand social media intensify it.
(01:38):
And we'll explore what actuallyhelps, especially when your
brain is wired for emotionalintensity.
Let's start with the experienceitself. Limerence is involuntary
you don't choose it. It's anemotional loop, full of
intrusive thoughts, fantasizing,idealizing, craving reciprocity,
(02:01):
and fearing rejection. You mightalso analyze everything someone
says, build entire conversationsin your head, or feel crushed
when they don't text back fastenough. The key feature here is
uncertainty.
If you knew for sure that theydidn't want you back, the
feeling would eventually fade.If you knew they did want you,
(02:23):
you could potentially move intoan actual relationship. But
limerence thrives in the greyzone of maybe. For
neurodivergent folks, especiallypeople with ADHD or Autistics,
limerence can get amplified.ADHD brains often hyperfocus.
When your attention locks ontosomething, it locks hard.
(02:45):
Autistic brains may seek clarityand predictability in
relationships, and when someonegives just enough attention to
trigger hope, but not enough toprovide certainty, it can create
a loop that feels impossible toexit. Some people experience
limerence for weeks, and othersfor years, And the intensity
(03:05):
doesn't always match how wellyou actually know the person.
You can be limerent for someoneyou've barely spoken to, and
that's part of what makes it sodisorienting. Term limerence was
coined by psychologist DorothyTenove in the 1970s.
She interviewed hundreds ofpeople about their romantic
(03:28):
experiences, and noticed adistinct pattern. Not everyone
who fell in love went throughthis particular kind of
obsessive longing, but for thosewho did, the symptoms were
remarkably consistent. Tenev sawlimerence as a distinct state.
Not love, not lust, butsomething in between, driven by
uncertainty and longing.Neurologically, limerence
(03:52):
activates the brain's rewardsystem.
Dopamine floods in when youanticipate reciprocation. That
uncertainty keeps you hooked.It's like pulling a slot machine
handle sometimes you win,sometimes you don't, but the
variable reward schedule keepsyou coming back. For people with
ADHD, who often have differencesin how their brains regulate
(04:14):
dopamine, that maybe hits extrahard. The novelty, the
unpredictability, and theemotional intensity can feel
more compelling than almostanything else in life, for
however long it lasts.
For autistics, limerence cantake a different shape. Social
experiences may include ahistory of confusion or
(04:35):
rejection. The imaginedconnection where you can control
the narrative and predict theresponses can sometimes feel
safer than the real one. You canbuild an entire relationship in
your mind, where you knowexactly what the other person
thinks and feels, even if it'snot based in reality. So how is
(04:58):
limerence different from love orlust?
Love is usually mutual, it'sstable, and it grows over time
as you actually get to knowsomeone, flaws and all. There is
reciprocity and reality testing.You can see the person clearly
and choose them anyway. Lust ismore straightforward. It's all
about physical desire,attraction, and chemistry.
(05:20):
It can be intense, but it's notusually accompanied by intrusive
thoughts or anxiety aboutwhether the other person feels
the same way. Limerence is highstakes fantasy, about
possibilities and not reality.You fall in love with who you
think the person could be andnot who they are. You're
projecting qualities onto themthat they likely don't have. You
(05:43):
interpret ambiguous signals assigns of interest.
You may know intellectually thatyou're building castles in the
air, but emotionally it justfeels absolutely real. This can
get especially tricky whensomeone has trouble
distinguishing emotionalsignals. Neurodivergent folks
might struggle withinteroception, which is reading
(06:04):
internal cues about what you'refeeling and why. Or with social
pragmatics, the unspoken rulesof how people signal interest or
disinterest. And that gets evenmore confusing when you consider
how men and women see these cuesdifferently.
For example, some men may feellike a woman being polite to
them while doing a job thatrequires it, like bartending or
(06:26):
being a cashier, is signalinginterest when it decidedly is
not. That can make it harder totell if what you're feeling is
romantic or platonic. Harder togauge whether the other person
is even interested. Someautistic people report
struggling to distinguishbetween a deep fascination with
someone's brain or ideas andromantic feelings, especially in
(06:48):
a culture that oftenpathologizes or misinterprets
how autistics express emotion.And if you live with complex
trauma, you might confuseemotional chaos with connection.
If your early relationships wereinconsistent, traumatic, or
conditional, longing might feellike love, and traumatic chaos
might feel, well, comfortablebecause that's all you know. The
(07:12):
fantasy of being chosen, seen,and rescued can be powerful,
especially when reality hasn'tbeen kind. Social media and
texting are limerence'splayground. Notifications that
messages have been seen but leftunread, disappearing messages,
story views these featuresthrive on ambiguity, and
(07:36):
ambiguity is what limerencefeeds on. Algorithms show you
someone's posts just oftenenough to reignite hope.
Dating apps gamify yourattention. You get little hits
of dopamine when someone likesyour profile or responds to a
message, and sometimes crushingdisappointment when they don't.
The whole system is designed tokeep you checking, wondering,
(07:58):
and hoping. And this triggersthe same exact reward system
that limerence lights up. And ifyou already live with rejection
sensitivity, which is common inADHD and complex PTSD, digital
interactions can feeloverwhelming.
Every silence feels loaded andevery emoji feels like a test. A
(08:18):
thumbs up instead of a heart?Well, could send you spiraling.
If your brain is wired forpattern seeking or obsessive
thought, the result is constantoveranalysis. You're
screenshotting conversations tostudy later, noticing when
someone's active status changes.
You're developing elaboratetheories about what it means
when they post a song lyric or acryptic quote. A single like on
(08:42):
your post can feel like alifeline and proof that they're
thinking about you. Then if theydon't interact, you become
convinced that they're pullingaway, even though they might
just be busy or offline orthinking about literally
anything else. The digital realmremoves context. You can't see
body language, and you can'thear tone of voice.
And if they're using video, thebody language and tone of voice
(09:04):
may be a character they'replaying. So you fill in the gaps
with your hopes and fears, andlimerence grows in the space.
Limerence doesn't just happen indating. It can also happen with
celebrities, influencers,streamers, even podcast hosts.
These are called parasocialrelationships.
(09:26):
I talked more in-depth aboutthis in the episode on TikTok
last year. The term comes fromresearchers Horton and Wall way
back in 1956. They describedone-sided emotional connections
with media figures. Theyobserved this with television
personalities, but it'sintensified dramatically in the
age of social media. Parasocialrelationships can absolutely
(09:49):
trigger limerence.
You feel like you know someonebecause you watch their content,
read their posts, and hear theirvoice regularly. They share
personal details and speakdirectly to the camera,
seemingly directly to you, butthey don't actually know you
exist. For some neurodivergentpeople, especially those who
find in person interactionexhausting or overwhelming,
(10:12):
parasocial connections may feelsafer and more manageable. You
get the emotional engagementwithout the sensory overload,
and without the unpredictabilityof real time social interaction.
Online, you can pause, rewatch,and totally control the pace.
But parasocial limerence canstill hurt. You can spend hours
(10:33):
thinking about someone who willnever think about you, or feel
jealous when they interact withother people in their comments.
You can build fantasies aboutmeeting them, becoming friends,
or more. And that can keepsomeone stuck in longing instead
of seeking real reciprocalconnection. Limerence isn't just
(10:53):
awkward crushes or embarrassingstories that you'll laugh about
later.
It can be genuinely painful. Itcan disrupt people's sleep,
work, relationships, and mentalhealth. The intrusive thoughts
can feel like a kind of torture,especially when you know the
feelings aren't returned, orwhen you're trying to move on.
(11:13):
For some people, limerence leadsto depression or anxiety. The
constant emotional highs andlows can be exhausting.
There is also a bit of shameabout not being able to just
stop feeling this way, and thatcompounds the pain. For others,
limerence can escalate intounhealthy behaviours. Obsessive
(11:34):
checking of social media,driving by someone's actual
house, manipulating situationsto manufacture contact. In
extreme cases, stalking. Thesebehaviours often don't come from
malice, they come from unmanageddistress, from a brain that's
become locked into a patternthat it can't break.
(11:55):
But that doesn't erase theimpact on the other person, who
may feel violated, unsafe, orharassed, regardless of your
intent. People with trauma,especially complex PTSD, may
confuse limerence with lovebecause emotional chaos feels
familiar. If your nervous systemwas shaped by relationships that
(12:16):
were inconsistent, or where lovewas conditional or came with
danger, your brain might nowinterpret the anxiety of
limerence as a sign that theconnection is deep or
meaningful. And that longingfeels like home even when home
wasn't safe. And then there'sisolation.
Limerence is often a secretobsession. You might feel too
(12:37):
ashamed to tell anyone how muchmental space this person is
occupying in your brain. Or youmay worry that if you talk about
it, the spell will break. Thatleaves you alone with thoughts
that won't stop, and thatloneliness makes everything
worse. So how do you break thelimerick loop?
First, you name it.Understanding that what you're
(12:59):
feeling is limerence and notlove gives you power. It's not a
moral failing, and it's notproof that this person is your
soul mate. It's a psychologicalstate with known features and a
known exit. Second, you groundyourself in reality.
This can be harder than itsounds, because your brain will
resist. One practical exerciseyou can try tonight if you're
(13:23):
experiencing limerence is towrite down three things this
person actually said andactually did. Not what you think
they meant, and not what youhoped they felt. Just three
observable facts. When you stripaway the interpretation, you can
start to realize how littleconcrete evidence you have for
the story you've been tellingyourself.
(13:45):
That's the first step in theright direction. Third, you can
try to redirect your focus. Thisis where any neurodivergence
might matter, because genericadvice like distract yourself or
stop thinking about themabsolutely does not work when
your brain doesn't function thatway. For example, with ADHD,
(14:05):
channel your hyperfocuselsewhere. Pick a new creative
project, a new hobby or a newgoal that's stimulating enough
to compete for your attention.
Your brain craves novelty andreward, so give it a different
source. If you're autistic,create scripts or routines that
re center your thinking. Whenyou notice yourself spiraling
(14:27):
into a fantasy, have a specificphrase or action that redirects
you. Structure can be protectivewhen your emotions feel chaotic.
For OCD sufferers, whereintrusive thoughts are a core
feature, you may need exposureand response prevention therapy
with a licensed therapist.
This is a specific type oftreatment where you can learn to
(14:48):
sit with the uncomfortablethoughts without engaging in the
compulsive behaviours, likechecking their social media.
It's a little bit hard work, butit can be effective. For someone
experiencing trauma, groundingtechniques that connect you to
the present moment can helpseparate past patterns from
present choices. Somaticpractices, working with a trauma
(15:10):
informed therapist, learning torecognize when your nervous
system is activated versus whenyou're actually responding to
what's in front of you. Somepeople can benefit from limiting
contact, including digitalcontact.
Unfollow, mute, and block if youneed to. This isn't about
punishment it's about givingyour brain a chance to detach
(15:30):
when every interaction resetsthe clock. And if you're
struggling with this alone,consider reaching out for
support. A therapist whounderstands attachment,
obsessive thought patterns, orneurodivergence can make a
significant difference.Limerence isn't random.
(15:51):
Certain factors make us moresusceptible. Those factors can
include low self esteem,loneliness, a history of
insecure attachment, unmet needsfor validation or connection.
When your life feels empty orunsatisfying, limerence can fill
that void, at least temporarily.It's also more likely to strike
(16:12):
when the object of limerance hasqualities that you idealize or
wish you had yourself, likeconfidence, creativity, status,
or stability. You're not justattracted to the person, you're
attracted to who you imaginedyou could become in proximity to
that person.
And then there's the culturalpiece. We romanticize this kind
(16:34):
of obsessive longing in oursongs, movies, books. So many
celebrate the idea of lovingsomeone so much that you can't
think straight. We label itpassion, we label it true love,
but we rarely call it what itoften is, which is a
destabilizing psychologicalstate that needs support, not
celebration. If this episoderesonated with you, if you've
(17:01):
ever felt trapped in longing orwondered why your brain gets
stuck, just know that you're notalone.
Limerence is much more commonthan most people admit, and it's
something you can move through.You're not too much, you're not
broken, your capacity for deepfeeling, for imagination, and
for connection, those are notflaws. But you deserve tools and
(17:22):
clarity. You deserverelationships where the other
person is present, not just aprojection screen for your
hopes. Real, reciprocal,grounding connection is
possible.
It may not have the sameintensity as limerence, but has
something better mutuality andreality. It has the chance to
grow into something sustainable.As always, I'll drop some
(17:45):
resources in the show notes foranyone who wants to know more
about this topic. Thanks forjoining me on PsyberSpace this
week. Until next time, I'm yourhost, Leslie Poston, signing off
and reminding you to staycurious.
And also, don't forget tosubscribe so that you never miss
an episode, and send it to afriend if you think they'd like
it. You can also rate this fivestars on your favorite podcast
(18:07):
listening station. Thank you somuch. See you next week.
Welcome to PsyberSpace. I'm your host,
Leslie Poston. Do you knowsomeone, and maybe that someone
is you, who's refreshed apotential love interest
Instagram seven times in anhour? They knew what time they
posted. They had theories aboutwho they were with based on
background details in theirstories.
(00:33):
They could tell someone whatsongs that person listened to
three months ago, and thatperson didn't even know their
middle name. The example youjust heard is something called
limerence the intense, oftenobsessive longing that people
sometimes mistake for love. It'sreplaying a text message a 100
(00:55):
times, reading signs in everysilence, building entire futures
in your head around someone whobarely knows you, or maybe who
knows you but just doesn't feelthe same way. Limerence isn't
the same as love it's not evenalways romantic. But it can
completely hijack your brain.
(01:16):
And if you're neurodivergent, itcan hit you even harder. Today,
we're unpacking limerence from apsychological and neurological
perspective. We're talking abouthow it shows up differently for
people who are autistic, or whohave ADHD, OCD, and trauma.
We'll look at how modern techand social media intensify it.
(01:38):
And we'll explore what actuallyhelps, especially when your
brain is wired for emotionalintensity.
Let's start with the experienceitself. Limerence is involuntary
you don't choose it. It's anemotional loop, full of
intrusive thoughts, fantasizing,idealizing, craving reciprocity,
(02:01):
and fearing rejection. You mightalso analyze everything someone
says, build entire conversationsin your head, or feel crushed
when they don't text back fastenough. The key feature here is
uncertainty.
If you knew for sure that theydidn't want you back, the
feeling would eventually fade.If you knew they did want you,
(02:23):
you could potentially move intoan actual relationship. But
limerence thrives in the greyzone of maybe. For
neurodivergent folks, especiallypeople with ADHD or Autistics,
limerence can get amplified.ADHD brains often hyperfocus.
When your attention locks ontosomething, it locks hard.
(02:45):
Autistic brains may seek clarityand predictability in
relationships, and when someonegives just enough attention to
trigger hope, but not enough toprovide certainty, it can create
a loop that feels impossible toexit. Some people experience
limerence for weeks, and othersfor years, And the intensity
(03:05):
doesn't always match how wellyou actually know the person.
You can be limerent for someoneyou've barely spoken to, and
that's part of what makes it sodisorienting. Term limerence was
coined by psychologist DorothyTenove in the 1970s.
She interviewed hundreds ofpeople about their romantic
(03:28):
experiences, and noticed adistinct pattern. Not everyone
who fell in love went throughthis particular kind of
obsessive longing, but for thosewho did, the symptoms were
remarkably consistent. Tenev sawlimerence as a distinct state.
Not love, not lust, butsomething in between, driven by
uncertainty and longing.Neurologically, limerence
(03:52):
activates the brain's rewardsystem.
Dopamine floods in when youanticipate reciprocation. That
uncertainty keeps you hooked.It's like pulling a slot machine
handle sometimes you win,sometimes you don't, but the
variable reward schedule keepsyou coming back. For people with
ADHD, who often have differencesin how their brains regulate
(04:14):
dopamine, that maybe hits extrahard. The novelty, the
unpredictability, and theemotional intensity can feel
more compelling than almostanything else in life, for
however long it lasts.
For autistics, limerence cantake a different shape. Social
experiences may include ahistory of confusion or
(04:35):
rejection. The imaginedconnection where you can control
the narrative and predict theresponses can sometimes feel
safer than the real one. You canbuild an entire relationship in
your mind, where you knowexactly what the other person
thinks and feels, even if it'snot based in reality. So how is
(04:58):
limerence different from love orlust?
Love is usually mutual, it'sstable, and it grows over time
as you actually get to knowsomeone, flaws and all. There is
reciprocity and reality testing.You can see the person clearly
and choose them anyway. Lust ismore straightforward. It's all
about physical desire,attraction, and chemistry.
(05:20):
It can be intense, but it's notusually accompanied by intrusive
thoughts or anxiety aboutwhether the other person feels
the same way. Limerence is highstakes fantasy, about
possibilities and not reality.You fall in love with who you
think the person could be andnot who they are. You're
projecting qualities onto themthat they likely don't have. You
(05:43):
interpret ambiguous signals assigns of interest.
You may know intellectually thatyou're building castles in the
air, but emotionally it justfeels absolutely real. This can
get especially tricky whensomeone has trouble
distinguishing emotionalsignals. Neurodivergent folks
might struggle withinteroception, which is reading
(06:04):
internal cues about what you'refeeling and why. Or with social
pragmatics, the unspoken rulesof how people signal interest or
disinterest. And that gets evenmore confusing when you consider
how men and women see these cuesdifferently.
For example, some men may feellike a woman being polite to
them while doing a job thatrequires it, like bartending or
(06:26):
being a cashier, is signalinginterest when it decidedly is
not. That can make it harder totell if what you're feeling is
romantic or platonic. Harder togauge whether the other person
is even interested. Someautistic people report
struggling to distinguishbetween a deep fascination with
someone's brain or ideas andromantic feelings, especially in
(06:48):
a culture that oftenpathologizes or misinterprets
how autistics express emotion.And if you live with complex
trauma, you might confuseemotional chaos with connection.
If your early relationships wereinconsistent, traumatic, or
conditional, longing might feellike love, and traumatic chaos
might feel, well, comfortablebecause that's all you know. The
(07:12):
fantasy of being chosen, seen,and rescued can be powerful,
especially when reality hasn'tbeen kind. Social media and
texting are limerence'splayground. Notifications that
messages have been seen but leftunread, disappearing messages,
story views these featuresthrive on ambiguity, and
(07:36):
ambiguity is what limerencefeeds on. Algorithms show you
someone's posts just oftenenough to reignite hope.
Dating apps gamify yourattention. You get little hits
of dopamine when someone likesyour profile or responds to a
message, and sometimes crushingdisappointment when they don't.
The whole system is designed tokeep you checking, wondering,
(07:58):
and hoping. And this triggersthe same exact reward system
that limerence lights up. And ifyou already live with rejection
sensitivity, which is common inADHD and complex PTSD, digital
interactions can feeloverwhelming.
Every silence feels loaded andevery emoji feels like a test. A
(08:18):
thumbs up instead of a heart?Well, could send you spiraling.
If your brain is wired forpattern seeking or obsessive
thought, the result is constantoveranalysis. You're
screenshotting conversations tostudy later, noticing when
someone's active status changes.
You're developing elaboratetheories about what it means
when they post a song lyric or acryptic quote. A single like on
(08:42):
your post can feel like alifeline and proof that they're
thinking about you. Then if theydon't interact, you become
convinced that they're pullingaway, even though they might
just be busy or offline orthinking about literally
anything else. The digital realmremoves context. You can't see
body language, and you can'thear tone of voice.
And if they're using video, thebody language and tone of voice
(09:04):
may be a character they'replaying. So you fill in the gaps
with your hopes and fears, andlimerence grows in the space.
Limerence doesn't just happen indating. It can also happen with
celebrities, influencers,streamers, even podcast hosts.
These are called parasocialrelationships.
(09:26):
I talked more in-depth aboutthis in the episode on TikTok
last year. The term comes fromresearchers Horton and Wall way
back in 1956. They describedone-sided emotional connections
with media figures. Theyobserved this with television
personalities, but it'sintensified dramatically in the
age of social media. Parasocialrelationships can absolutely
(09:49):
trigger limerence.
You feel like you know someonebecause you watch their content,
read their posts, and hear theirvoice regularly. They share
personal details and speakdirectly to the camera,
seemingly directly to you, butthey don't actually know you
exist. For some neurodivergentpeople, especially those who
find in person interactionexhausting or overwhelming,
(10:12):
parasocial connections may feelsafer and more manageable. You
get the emotional engagementwithout the sensory overload,
and without the unpredictabilityof real time social interaction.
Online, you can pause, rewatch,and totally control the pace.
But parasocial limerence canstill hurt. You can spend hours
(10:33):
thinking about someone who willnever think about you, or feel
jealous when they interact withother people in their comments.
You can build fantasies aboutmeeting them, becoming friends,
or more. And that can keepsomeone stuck in longing instead
of seeking real reciprocalconnection. Limerence isn't just
(10:53):
awkward crushes or embarrassingstories that you'll laugh about
later.
It can be genuinely painful. Itcan disrupt people's sleep,
work, relationships, and mentalhealth. The intrusive thoughts
can feel like a kind of torture,especially when you know the
feelings aren't returned, orwhen you're trying to move on.
(11:13):
For some people, limerence leadsto depression or anxiety. The
constant emotional highs andlows can be exhausting.
There is also a bit of shameabout not being able to just
stop feeling this way, and thatcompounds the pain. For others,
limerence can escalate intounhealthy behaviours. Obsessive
(11:34):
checking of social media,driving by someone's actual
house, manipulating situationsto manufacture contact. In
extreme cases, stalking. Thesebehaviours often don't come from
malice, they come from unmanageddistress, from a brain that's
become locked into a patternthat it can't break.
(11:55):
But that doesn't erase theimpact on the other person, who
may feel violated, unsafe, orharassed, regardless of your
intent. People with trauma,especially complex PTSD, may
confuse limerence with lovebecause emotional chaos feels
familiar. If your nervous systemwas shaped by relationships that
(12:16):
were inconsistent, or where lovewas conditional or came with
danger, your brain might nowinterpret the anxiety of
limerence as a sign that theconnection is deep or
meaningful. And that longingfeels like home even when home
wasn't safe. And then there'sisolation.
Limerence is often a secretobsession. You might feel too
(12:37):
ashamed to tell anyone how muchmental space this person is
occupying in your brain. Or youmay worry that if you talk about
it, the spell will break. Thatleaves you alone with thoughts
that won't stop, and thatloneliness makes everything
worse. So how do you break thelimerick loop?
First, you name it.Understanding that what you're
(12:59):
feeling is limerence and notlove gives you power. It's not a
moral failing, and it's notproof that this person is your
soul mate. It's a psychologicalstate with known features and a
known exit. Second, you groundyourself in reality.
This can be harder than itsounds, because your brain will
resist. One practical exerciseyou can try tonight if you're
(13:23):
experiencing limerence is towrite down three things this
person actually said andactually did. Not what you think
they meant, and not what youhoped they felt. Just three
observable facts. When you stripaway the interpretation, you can
start to realize how littleconcrete evidence you have for
the story you've been tellingyourself.
(13:45):
That's the first step in theright direction. Third, you can
try to redirect your focus. Thisis where any neurodivergence
might matter, because genericadvice like distract yourself or
stop thinking about themabsolutely does not work when
your brain doesn't function thatway. For example, with ADHD,
(14:05):
channel your hyperfocuselsewhere. Pick a new creative
project, a new hobby or a newgoal that's stimulating enough
to compete for your attention.
Your brain craves novelty andreward, so give it a different
source. If you're autistic,create scripts or routines that
re center your thinking. Whenyou notice yourself spiraling
(14:27):
into a fantasy, have a specificphrase or action that redirects
you. Structure can be protectivewhen your emotions feel chaotic.
For OCD sufferers, whereintrusive thoughts are a core
feature, you may need exposureand response prevention therapy
with a licensed therapist.
This is a specific type oftreatment where you can learn to
(14:48):
sit with the uncomfortablethoughts without engaging in the
compulsive behaviours, likechecking their social media.
It's a little bit hard work, butit can be effective. For someone
experiencing trauma, groundingtechniques that connect you to
the present moment can helpseparate past patterns from
present choices. Somaticpractices, working with a trauma
(15:10):
informed therapist, learning torecognize when your nervous
system is activated versus whenyou're actually responding to
what's in front of you. Somepeople can benefit from limiting
contact, including digitalcontact.
Unfollow, mute, and block if youneed to. This isn't about
punishment it's about givingyour brain a chance to detach
(15:30):
when every interaction resetsthe clock. And if you're
struggling with this alone,consider reaching out for
support. A therapist whounderstands attachment,
obsessive thought patterns, orneurodivergence can make a
significant difference.Limerence isn't random.
(15:51):
Certain factors make us moresusceptible. Those factors can
include low self esteem,loneliness, a history of
insecure attachment, unmet needsfor validation or connection.
When your life feels empty orunsatisfying, limerence can fill
that void, at least temporarily.It's also more likely to strike
(16:12):
when the object of limerance hasqualities that you idealize or
wish you had yourself, likeconfidence, creativity, status,
or stability. You're not justattracted to the person, you're
attracted to who you imaginedyou could become in proximity to
that person.
And then there's the culturalpiece. We romanticize this kind
(16:34):
of obsessive longing in oursongs, movies, books. So many
celebrate the idea of lovingsomeone so much that you can't
think straight. We label itpassion, we label it true love,
but we rarely call it what itoften is, which is a
destabilizing psychologicalstate that needs support, not
celebration. If this episoderesonated with you, if you've
(17:01):
ever felt trapped in longing orwondered why your brain gets
stuck, just know that you're notalone.
Limerence is much more commonthan most people admit, and it's
something you can move through.You're not too much, you're not
broken, your capacity for deepfeeling, for imagination, and
for connection, those are notflaws. But you deserve tools and
(17:22):
clarity. You deserverelationships where the other
person is present, not just aprojection screen for your
hopes. Real, reciprocal,grounding connection is
possible.
It may not have the sameintensity as limerence, but has
something better mutuality andreality. It has the chance to
grow into something sustainable.As always, I'll drop some
(17:45):
resources in the show notes foranyone who wants to know more
about this topic. Thanks forjoining me on PsyberSpace this
week. Until next time, I'm yourhost, Leslie Poston, signing off
and reminding you to staycurious.
And also, don't forget tosubscribe so that you never miss
an episode, and send it to afriend if you think they'd like
it. You can also rate this fivestars on your favorite podcast
(18:07):
listening station. Thank you somuch. See you next week.
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