April 16, 2025 • 39 mins
"Family is family."
We’ve been told this our whole lives—that no matter what they’ve done, how they treat us, or how much pain they cause—we owe them: loyalty, forgiveness, and endless chances.
But let’s be real—blood alone doesn’t make someone family.
In this episode, we’re stripping away the lies we’ve been conditioned to believe. We’re confronting the guilt, the obligation, and the fear of walking away from relationships that do nothing but drain us. We’re exposing the romanticized version of family that keeps us holding on, waiting, hoping, convincing ourselves they'll change.
But what if they never do?
What if the love, safety, and support you’ve been waiting for isn’t tied to DNA—but to the people who actually show up for you?
This is about breaking cycles of generational harm and rejecting the idea that we have to stay tied to people just because we share a bloodline. It’s about giving yourself permission to choose your family—the people who love you without conditions.
- We’re tearing down the guilt.
- We’re rebuilding with truth.
- And we’re creating space for relationships that actually nourish us.
So, let’s talk about it. Let’s challenge what we’ve been taught and start defining family on our own terms.
If this episode shakes something in you, share it with someone who needs to hear it.
Because you don’t owe anyone a place in your life just because of blood. And that truth? Might just set you free.
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Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_00 (00:02):
What makes someone family?
Is it blood or is it somethingdeeper?
A lot of us have grown uphearing that family is
everything.
But what happens when the peoplewho are supposed to love and
protect us are the ones whocause harm?
When loyalty feels more like atrap than a choice.
(00:24):
For so many of us, family hasbeen defined for us since birth,
who they are, what ourrelationship should look like,
and most importantly, that weowe them something simply
because we share DNA.
But what if that definitiondoesn't fit?
What if staying connected comesat the cost of our peace, our
(00:46):
mental health, and sometimeseven our physical well-being?
If you've ever felt guilty forstepping back from unhealthy
family dynamics, if you've everquestioned whether blood alone
makes someone family, then thisepisode is for you.
Today, we're talking about whyblood doesn't bind, why family
(01:06):
is so much more than DNA, andhow you have the power to create
a family that actually feelslike home.
So let's get into it.
As always, I'm super excited fortoday's episode.
And it's something that's verypersonal to me, and something
that I myself am experiencing atthis very moment, and and
(01:29):
honestly exploring andquestioning and figuring out.
(01:55):
And that can create unnecessaryburdens for us because some of
us are quite literally told thatwe still have to remain in
relationship with family memberswho have abused us, um, with
family members who aremanipulative, with family
members that are like alcoholicsand they always cause problems.
And you just don't want to bearound that.
(02:16):
Like we're quite literally toldthat we have to support family
no matter what, even if thatmeans lying, even if that means
cheating, even if that meansstealing.
I mean, I know people that havegot on, like went into court and
sat in the stand and lied on thestand about situations and
things just to help their familymember, knowing that their
(02:36):
family member was in the wrong.
And and I'm not saying like fromlaw and order, I mean like from
real life.
Um, but I want to debunk that.
I want to debunk this idea, andI and I and I know we've been
seeing this, I think, a lot morelately, but I want to debunk
this idea that like you have tobe with your family no matter
(02:59):
what.
So we'll break this down in inseveral different sections.
And the first one that I want totalk about is why family is
about more than biology.
So let's start with what we meanwhen we say family, because for
a long time we've been taughtthat family is determined by our
biology, your parents, yoursiblings, your aunts, uncles,
cousins, and grandparents,right?
These are the people who aresupposed to be your inner
(03:21):
circle.
Something that we talked abouton the uh episode on enablers,
on how it's easy to be enabledor be in that type of cycle
because they're usually peoplefrom your inner circle, right?
So these are the ones that yourely on, the ones that you know
seemingly quote unquote know youthe best.
Um, but what happens when theyaren't?
(03:41):
What happens when they aren'tyour true inner circle?
Think about it.
Just because we share DNA withsomeone, does that automatically
mean they know us, love us well,or have our best interests at
heart?
Families should be aboutconnection, not obligation.
Biologically speaking, we doinherit 50% of our DNA from each
(04:03):
parent.
And sure, that means that wemight share certain features,
certain tendencies, but itdoesn't determine how deep our
relationships go.
It doesn't mean that person issafe, healthy, or good for us.
Research even backs this upbecause studies show that the
relationships we cultivate, theenvironment we grow up in, and
the values we align with have agreater impact on our emotional
(04:26):
well-being than genetics alone.
That means just because someoneis family on paper doesn't mean
they're meant to be in your lifeforever.
But I do want to take a momentright here to also acknowledge
that even if you are, let's say,let's use the example of a child
being adopted into anotherfamily, they may be able to have
(04:49):
a different response to lifebecause of the environment that
they grew up in.
But from a person who has knownmany foster and adoptive
parents, there's still usuallysomething spiritually about that
child that doesn't change.
And I'm using this as moreevidence for the fact that we
(05:12):
have a soul and that our soulsare tied to and connected to the
people that have given birth tous and that have brought us into
this world.
There's something there stillabout generational things that
generational, you know, curses,if if we will, um, are things
that are passed down, not justbased on your environment, but
(05:35):
even just based on who you were,again, birthed from.
And so while research does show,right, that like we can
cultivate in a new environmentand we can um be in a different
space where values align betterwith who we are, I I would be
remiss not to acknowledgeresearch that I've looked up and
things that I've already studiedand spoke on about um, you know,
(05:57):
the generational aspects.
I think both are still true.
And both, I don't think thateither one takes away from still
the idea that for those of uswho have grown up with this idea
that you have to be loyal tofamily no matter what, that that
is not the case.
But it, I also don't want to Ido not want to pretend as if you
(06:19):
going and you know cuttingfamily off or being raised by a
different family means that youwill not still be connected to
the people that have come beforeyou because I think that there
is a lineage, a legacy.
I think the ancestry right isreal when it comes to the right,
the spiritual side, the soulside of how we are made up.
And that part we don't want toum leave off the table, but we
(06:44):
want to keep it on our on ourminds.
I'm not going too much into thatright now, but I do want to make
sure that I mentioned it.
So before we get into breakingthe cycle, let's talk about why
we hold on to the idea thatfamily is family no matter what.
We do this even when certainrelationships are unhealthy, or
even when we feel hurt ordrained, because something
(07:07):
inside of us is making it reallyhard for us to walk away from
these relationships.
And again, all of this you'regonna see my hand raised because
this is 100% me.
And so I just have like a few,um, a few reasons why not
exhaustive, but the last two Ireally want to talk about
because um maybe because it's meprojecting and in the things
(07:28):
that I feel are most relevant tohow why it's been hard for me.
Um, but I want to really talkabout the last two a little
more.
So, first is culturalconditioning, right?
Like from a young age, we'retaught that you know, family is
the most important thing abovefriendships, above your personal
happiness, and sometimes evenabove your own safety.
Um, in a lot of cultures,especially the black community
(07:50):
and even like Asian, Asiancultures, right?
Not all of them, but but I Ihave you know friends of Asian
background and their familiesare are very much the same, that
you deal with the toxicbehaviors, you come around no
matter what, you're expected to,you know, uh deal with certain
things are just because you'refamily and give certain people
respect no matter how they treatyou and talk to you.
(08:12):
Um, but again, yeah, we're we'retaught like family is
everything.
And for many cultures, that is,and not just those two that I
listed, but for many cultures,even the ones that I'm just
ignorant of and unaware of, itis a source of survival and
history and strength.
And so because of that, we'retaught that turning our back on
family is like one of the worstthings you can do.
And if we're being honest,that's that's valid, that's a
(08:35):
valid belief.
And I think family done right,you should stay loyal to those
people, you should um keep themin your inner circle, you should
fight for them, you know, at allcosts.
That doesn't mean like lie andsteal and cheat for them, like
break the law.
But I think you get what I'msaying, right?
Like, um, but just becausesomething was necessary before
(08:55):
doesn't mean that we have tocarry every aspect of that into
the future.
And so while it was necessaryfor survival at some point, now
we have to kind of look at whatare our circumstances?
Why am I so afraid of walkingaway?
And so that first one wascultural conditioning, the
second one is guilt andobligation, which I mean, that's
(09:18):
your it's just probably gonna beall throughout, but um, you
might grow up hearing thingslike after everything I've done
for you, I've definitely heardthat, or you don't turn your
back on family, or um this, youknow, this family is all you got
at the end of the day, or um,you know, this family they've
done nothing but love you, like,and and then when you hear
(09:39):
things like that, walking awayfrom what you're told is
supposed to be such a loving andbig and gracious family, um, is
it can feel very selfish, evenwhen deep down you know that
it's necessary.
And this is one of the big onesfor me that has definitely kept
me in a lot of familyrelationships that I really
should have walked away from.
Um, we feel obligated becausethere are the people who raised
(10:01):
us, who provided for us.
And if we don't have majorvisible scars, if the harm was
more emotional, verbal, orthrough neglect, then it's it's
even easier to gaslightourselves and to thinking, like,
oh, it's really not that bad.
Fear of loneliness is numberthree.
That's a that's another big one,is that we fear that if we let
go of our biological family,then we we won't have we won't
(10:24):
have anyone at all.
I think you're afraid of peoplebeing right.
You're also afraid that you'regonna regret it.
And then we're also afraid thatwe're not gonna be able to
replace those relationships.
These go really hand in handtoo, because think about it.
When we're afraid that, like,oh, I'm not gonna be able to
replace those relationships, oreven when you do go out and try,
and let's say you get a friend,and then they end up doing some
(10:45):
shady stuff to you, and youlike, you know what, if I gotta
put it up, put up with this whenit comes to friends, I might as
well just go back to this familybecause it's really not that
bad.
Like, like, okay, if I'm gonnadeal with it out there, I might
as well just deal with it withthem.
That, ooh, y'all, like, okay.
So a lot of these really playhand in hand, but let's go back
to the fear of loneliness.
(11:06):
Um, as with many of these, thefeelings are valid.
I want to make sure that ifyou're feeling this, like I've
been feeling this, the feelingsare valid.
It's not something I'm tellingyou to turn off right away,
right?
Um, but here's the truth lettinggo of what's harmful makes space
for what's healthy.
If we stay in places where we'reonly tolerated, we'll never find
(11:28):
the spaces where we are trulyvalued.
And a lot of us, when we'retrying to hold on to both toxic
family relationships, but findthe friendships that serve us,
we end up walking into toxicfriendships because we have not
given ourselves the space andthe opportunity to step away
from these toxic familyrelationships and really assess
(11:50):
and really breathe and reallylook at the damage that has been
done and the reasons why we feelthat we have to step away.
And so when we do not giveourselves the space to do that,
then we go into thesefriendships thinking that all
I'm gonna, I'm now gonna createthe friendships that I wanted
(12:10):
that will serve me better thanmy family relationships.
But then you go into yourfriendships with the same
habits, the same thinking.
Um, um, uh, what's the word I'mnot not catered?
What's the word I'm thinking of?
Uh gravitating towards the sametype of people as your family
members because you stillhaven't really dealt with the
toxicity over there.
(12:31):
Number four and number five arethe two ones that I really want
to talk about.
So we're gonna spend just atlike a like 30 seconds more on
these two.
Number four is romanticizingfamily bonds.
So we've been told our wholelives that family is supposed to
be our foundation, our safespace.
We hear it in movies, we read itin books, we see it on TV shows,
(12:51):
even on social media.
Um, social media, we aredefinitely in that wave of
seeing the marriages and the andthe people with their children.
Again, we've seen our wholelives, right?
That family is supposed to bethis this uh foundation, it's
supposed to be our foundation,right?
The idea, right, that no matterwhat happens, family is always
going to be there for you.
But then we have to askourselves, what happens if
(13:13):
that's not true?
Um, a lot of us are holding onto this idealized version of
family even when our actualexperiences don't match.
Because let's be honest, y'all.
No one wants to admit that theirfamily isn't as loving or
supportive as they should be.
No one and I'm I'm raising myhand again.
(13:36):
No one wants to have to look.
Let me raise this hand so Idon't block my mic.
No one wants to have to look inthe in the mirror and say, Your
family ain't loving andsupporting.
And you in a dry season offriendship.
And I'm a person thatinternalizes and I make it about
me, and I make it about what Idon't have.
(13:57):
And I and I don't think there'sanything wrong with that.
Um I don't think there'sanything wrong with that when
you're trying to assess, like,are you the problem?
I don't think there's anythingwrong with checking in with
myself.
I think the problem becomes whenI when I internalize it, and I'm
like, something must be wrongwith me.
And I'm and I'm taking the wrongthings from what I should be
learning.
I'm not seeing it as Alexandriais maturing and growing and
(14:20):
trying to stand up for herself.
I'm taking it as, oh,Alexandria's a horrible friend,
and she's just not familyoriented, and she I'm I'm taking
the wrong things in, or or I'mjust like, oh, you're such a
loser.
You no one wants to love you.
Like, I'm taking the wrongthings in, right?
And it's hard to have to facethis reality.
(14:42):
And so again, instead of havingto face that, we're telling
ourselves, like, all familieshave problems.
This is just how it is, or maybeI'm expecting too much.
Ooh, and I tell y'all, I'mreading this again, driving down
my street.
You know, when you prepare, whenI prepare the outline, I'm
thinking of y'all, I'm thinkingof the audience, and then I sit
(15:04):
here and it's just me in theroom, and I'm actually like, you
know, giving you all the thingsthat I've been thinking about
and working on, and you know,all my thoughts put together,
and then I'm like, mmm, oh,that's okay.
So you thought you were talkingto them, but you're really
talking to yourself.
It's funny how that alwayshappens.
So again, we're still talkingabout romanticizing family
bonds, right?
(15:24):
And so then there's this waythat we selectively remember the
good and minimize the bad.
If we've ever had a moment whereour family showed love, maybe a
time that they helped us when wereally needed it, or a memory
that makes us smile, we hold onto that.
And that's natural, that'snormal.
We cling to the good because wewant to believe that the
(15:46):
relationship is worth saving.
But here's the question we needto ask: are we holding on to
what the relationship actuallyis, or are we holding on to what
we wish it was?
Because the truth is, not allfamilies provide unconditional
love, and again, that's a hardtruth to have to face.
But we talked about this in inseason one in grieving
(16:09):
relationships and how hard it isto have to grieve the idea of
the relationship that you had,that you're not, um, you're not
necessarily grieving what therelationship is, but you're
grieving what you thought therelationship could be if you
just stayed in it, if you justdid a little more, if you just
ignored this and you just keptthe good memories, right?
(16:31):
And so again, these are reasonswhy we hold on to the idea that
family is family no matter what.
And we just talked aboutromanticizing family bonds, and
that's a big one that I reallywant us to pay attention to
because it is something that wehave to we have to bring
ourselves, we have to like sitourselves down and really think
(16:52):
about it and not keep mole umgoing over it, mulling over it,
acting as if you know, certainthings didn't happen and only
focusing on the good times.
Because that's happened to me isI'll remember I'll get invited
to like a family event, and Iremember how much fun family
events are, and you know, I'm abig family, and oh man, it would
just be laugh, we joke, we play,but then I'll forget that after
(17:14):
a certain time when the sun goesdown and the moon comes out,
second just getting no, butafter a certain time, I don't
know why I do that voice.
I think that is, I don't know.
I think it's I don't know, butum after a certain time, then
you know I forget like oh, herecome the attitudes, here come
the arguments, here come the andso I'll romanticize about all
the good things, I'llromanticize on you know the idea
(17:36):
of what family could be and howit how they how it how they've
supported me when I was littleand all of these things, and
then think like, okay, well,it's just different now, and I
just need to, and and and thenI'm hurt again.
Okay, so here we that's that'swhy it's important.
But last one, holding on to hopethat they'll change, which I
(17:58):
think ties very, very closelyinto romanticizing, and that's
something that we hinted outtowards the end there, right?
Is that we keep thinking thatmaybe one day they'll realize
how they hurt me.
Maybe if I just show updifferently, if I come in with
this new me, they'll change.
If they sh if I show them howmuch I've matured, how much I've
grown, then they'll reactdifferently to me.
(18:20):
Maybe if I just keep trying,like they'll finally understand.
One of the hardest reasons tolet go of family is hope.
The hope that one day they'llbecome the person you always
needed them to be.
That they'll finally see yourside, that they'll acknowledge
your pain or even apologize.
(18:41):
So many of us just want to beseen.
We don't want your money, wedon't want material things, or
just put material things likethem together.
Like some of us don't even wantan apology.
Some of us just want you to seeus.
Some of us just want you to loveus for who we are.
(19:03):
Some of us are really cravingjust conditional, conditional
love and not, I'm sorry, I'msorry.
Some of us are cravingunconditional love where it's
not based on what we do.
Some of us are tired ofconstantly having to show up and
be on and never being able totruly be ourselves out of fear.
(19:28):
If you're like me, you gothrough a lot, but you don't
feel like you can trust people,especially in your family, with
information about your life oryour struggles because it's
gonna be on the hotline and thenit's gonna be used against you.
And instead of somebody pickingup the phone and seeing if
you're okay, they're just gonnatalk about you behind your back.
(19:48):
And then when you see them inperson, they're gonna act like
they have no idea what's goingon in your life.
You know, I I as you all cantell, like I understand this all
too well.
Like, I, like many of you, wanta resolution.
I, like many of you, want tofeel seen and heard and
understood, especially by thepeople who raised me or raised
(20:09):
us who were supposed to protectus.
But here's an another, you know,it's a it's a good reality that
change has to come from them.
It can't be forced, and itdefinitely can be earned by like
just by holding on a littlelonger.
Um, but then there's also thislast like we were talked about
(20:29):
fear, right?
But even in this um, this uhholding on to hope, like there's
also that fear of regret thatwhat if I walk away and then
they change?
What if I miss out on theversion of them that I've always
wanted?
And but y'all, like that fearand in on on all of these, but
that fear can definitely keepyou stuck in a cycle of waiting
(20:52):
instead of allowing you toremove forward.
So I want to take a moment righthere to remind you of something
that you are not responsible forsomeone else's growth.
You can love them, you can wishthem well, but you are allowed
to stop sacrificing yourself inthe process.
Here's the hard truth justbecause dysfunction is
(21:14):
normalized does not mean it'sright, and we're talking about
that being normalized within afamily.
Many of us come from familieswhere secrecy, manipulation, or
even outright abuse okay, hasbeen swept under the rug for
generations.
And stepping away from that,breaking that cycle, that is
some of the hardest work you'llever do, will ever do.
(21:40):
Especially in cultures as we'vealready talked about, where
family loyalty is drilled intous from birth.
What happens in this house staysin this house.
That's not familiar.
We don't we don't air out ourdirty laundry.
Okay, y'all, y'all, y'all everheard that?
Respect your elders no matterwhat.
I talked about that.
Oh, I don't know which episode Italked about that this season.
But I talked about that in oneof the episodes of me being a
(22:03):
little more um combative aboutthat idea because I think that's
how I not I don't think let metake that back.
I know that that is how a lot ofabuse happens, is because people
tell the child or the personthat they're older that oh I'm
your elder, you have to listento me, you have to do this.
And I thank the Lord thatsomewhere in my little little
life I've I've figured out Idon't have to do what you said
(22:26):
you do, what you what what yousaid just because you're telling
me.
If you're nasty, if you're mean,you don't get to just be nasty
and mean and tell me what to dojust because you're older than
me.
I've had to say that to someone.
Oh, I I've had to say that tosomeone as a as a child, and I
know everybody said I had asmart mouth.
Everybody said I had a smartmouth, but you know what?
(22:47):
It was I honestly, y'all, I Ijust think that by the grace of
God, I wasn't more uh uh takenadvantage of, um, definitely
taken advantage of in certainareas of you know, um not like
sexually or anything like that,but just taking advantage of of
definitely power of abuse andjust you know verbally uh talked
(23:08):
down to, you know, whooped bypeople and stuff or doing things
and not getting my parents'consent on on that being
spanked.
Um but I I think that's why Iwasn't as taken advantage of is
because my mouth was big.
My mouth was big, still is,which is why I have a podcast.
Um, but anyways, like yeah, alot of us are taught these
(23:29):
things, and let me be clearfamily and cultural traditions
can be absolutely beautiful, butnot when they come at the cost
of your well-being.
Okay, not when you're being toldthat you gotta do what this
person says no matter what.
So many children are abusedbecause of this mentality, and
that's why this this is reallygonna make me emotional.
(23:54):
That's why stepping away fromme, doing the hard work of this
with family is worth it becauseof my children.
I refuse to allow my children tobe to go unprotected in ways
that I was.
I refuse to allow my children tonow.
I'm not saying that I canprotect them from everything,
(24:16):
but the things that I know, I'mnot carrying on the pattern of
trying to act like we don't knowthat so-and-so is whatever.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm I'm not I'm not gonna put mychildren in a situation where
I'm putting in a car with analcoholic.
Okay.
I'm not I'm not gonna play withy'all when it comes to my
children.
(24:37):
Okay, and I'm gonna protect themin the same way that again, I I
I think I should have beenprotected.
I also want to acknowledge, Ithink the same thing for many of
y'all, that this is not a downto my parents.
This is not me trying to be inmy parents' face like y'all did,
y'all didn't, y'all.
We I've had conversations, wewe've gotten to talk about
(24:58):
certain things, right?
And again, I think my parentsdid, well, not again, but saying
it, I think my parents did agood job.
I don't I don't think that um Ithink my parents, you know,
loved us absolutely, did thebest that they could.
I don't fault them.
I'm not trying to put blame onthem or anything like that.
Were there areas where theycould have done better?
Absolutely, but they knew whatthey knew and they had what
(25:21):
tools they had, right?
Now I have those tools.
Now I can learn.
Now I can right, and so it's onit's on me.
I want to make sure that Iacknowledge that.
Um, so back to what I wassaying, yeah, I'm not playing
when it comes to my children,and that's why this is so
important and teaching mychildren, and then we and I sit
I have boys, and so I tell mybabies, we go through the pipe,
(25:45):
we go through all the parts.
Should and we go through all therelationships.
Should grandma touch you here,should should grandpa papa touch
you here, should Lola touch youhere?
That's my mom.
Should Nana touch you here?
That's my husband's mom.
Should should Uncle Jonathan?
Should Uncle Josh?
Should Uncle Xander?
Should I should Auntie Jack?
Like I we go through and I say,should they be touching you
(26:06):
here?
Should they ask you to touchthem here?
I go through that, I go throughother, you know, you don't get
in no cars, you don't get it.
It's so important because a lotof times predators come within
our families, within the veryfrom the very people that we
think are so are the safest.
And y'all hear me.
I'm not saying none of thosepeople are sad.
(26:27):
That's why I can say they namesbecause I know they would never
do nothing to hurt my babies.
That's why I can say their namesfreely.
So I'm not saying that, I'm notsaying that um I have suspicions
of these people or anything likethat.
The point is that I teach mychildren that no matter the
person in the relationship, theyshould not be touching you
inappropriately, they should notbe asking you to do things
(26:47):
because not even just physical,sexual things either.
It don't they don't, if they askyou to steal, you know, if they
ask you to lie, I go, I go downthat that list with them because
it is very important.
Now and forever, we will dothat.
So they know that I care.
And so they know that you haveto set boundaries.
(27:09):
But okay, let's keep going.
Oh, speaking of boundaries, um,Nedra Tawab, hope that said her
name right.
Um, she has a book called DramaFree.
And I actually really like thatbook.
I highly recommend it for um ifyou're experiencing like family
things.
I forget the subtitle of it.
It's like drama-free, breakingfree from okay, it's drama free,
(27:31):
a guide to managing unhealthyfamily relationships.
So that is what the book iscalled.
And in this book, she talksabout recognizing dysfunctional
family patterns like emotionalneglect, codependency, and
enmeshment.
One of the biggest takeaways isthis boundaries aren't about
punishment, they're aboutprotection.
As I just said, you have theright to say, I will not engage
(27:53):
in relationships that harm me nomatter who you are to me.
And y'all, like if that makespeople uncomfortable, let them
be uncomfortable.
Because staying in unhealthydynamics just to keep the peace,
that's only gonna destroy you inthe long run, especially if
you're dealing with people whohave not grown to mature and
(28:14):
recognize and be able to admitand see their faults and the
things that they have done.
It's gonna be very one-sided,and you will probably always be
the problem.
So you might as well just be theproblem.
We talked about some of theharder parts, but here's the
part that I really want you tohold on to.
You don't have to do this alone.
(28:36):
You can create a family of yourown choosing, and this is really
the heart of the episode.
This is this is really what Iwanted to talk about.
I think I mentioned earlier thatthis is a conversation I've been
trying to have.
Or I'm not sure if I mentionedthis, but um, this is a
conversation that I've beentrying to have with my mom and
my dad to really get them tounderstand.
(28:56):
Oh, I did say this because othergenerations, yeah, to really get
them to understand that um blooddoes not blind bind.
Blood does not mean that I Ihave to reconcile with you.
I'm gonna tell you guys a storyat the end of this.
Um, but it does not mean that Iabsolutely have to reconcile
with you just because you're myfamily member.
(29:16):
Like I'm I'm just so I can't dothat.
Uh, because I I suffer.
I suffer at the end of it.
I lose out.
I'm an I'm sick.
I'm stressed having to be aroundyou, and I just won't do that.
So this is really the heart ofit is that you can create a
(29:37):
family of your own choose, uh,own choosing.
Your chosen family, these arethe people who actually show up
for you, who see you, supportyou, and love you, not because
they have to, but because theywant to.
Studies show that strong socialconnections, whether biological
or not, they lead to a bettermental health, reduced stress,
and even longer life expectancy.
(29:58):
The relationships you nurturematter more than the ones you
were born into.
And obviously, we're not sayingthat the ones that you were born
into can't also be nurtured, butthe but but those still, even in
within your family, therelationships that you nurture
and the relationships that youhave found will definitely stand
out beyond the ones that youwere just, you know, born into.
(30:19):
So here's a reflection prompt.
If you keep a journal or if thisis something you want to think
about, voice note, whatever, Iwant you to sit with this
question.
Who in your life already feelslike family?
Even if they aren't related toyou, who makes you feel safe?
Who shows up without conditions?
(30:39):
And if you're struggling tothink of someone, what steps can
you take to start building thoseconnections?
So that's the little journalprompt for this day.
So practical steps to build achosen family.
Like, how do you actually dothis?
How do you build your chosenfamily?
You should start by identifyingsupportive people.
(31:00):
So, as we've said, who's wholifts you up?
Who respects your boundaries?
Who truly wants the best foryou?
And you've seen that right now.
We don't always get it right.
Sometimes people surprise us,that's just life.
But identify supportive people.
Number two, nurturerelationships, don't run from
good people just because you'reafraid of being hurt.
(31:21):
That's me again.
Um, like any relationship,chosen family requires effort.
Show up, check in, and beintentional about keeping that
connection alive.
I know it's hard because you'vebeen hurt so many times, but
when you find that that goodperson, when you find that
friend, like and or even thatfamily member, even it's it can
(31:43):
be hard too if you have a familymember that you're deeply
connected to, but that stilldoesn't see your family the way
that you see them, right?
I can I can see that beingdifficult, but again, I'm just
saying, like when you find thoserelationships that need to be
watered and nurtured and inbloom, let them don't stifle
them, don't suffocate them.
Next will be letting go of toxicties.
(32:04):
That again, it is okay to walkaway from relationships that
hurt you, and you do not oweanyone a place in your life just
because of DNA.
And then last, be open to newconnections.
Family can be found inunexpected places through
friendships, mentors, andcommunity.
You never know who will becomepart of your chosen family.
(32:28):
At the end of the day, familyisn't just about who you're born
to, it's about who shows up foryou, who sees you, supports you,
and loves you withoutconditions.
Now, I want to hear from you.
Have you had to redefine whatfamily means for you?
Have you found a chosen familythat supports you in ways your
(32:50):
biological one couldn't?
Send me a message or a comment.
I'd love to hear your story.
Also email me.
Um, if you're not already on myemail list, now is the time to
join.
I send out exclusive insights,deep dive reflections, and extra
content that I don't shareanywhere else.
So head to renovatingthesoul.comto sign up.
(33:11):
And if this episode spoke toyou, please share it with
someone who needs to hear ittoo.
Don't forget to follow orsubscribe to the podcast so you
never miss an episode.
And before we close, close, Idid this on purpose.
I wanted to save this story forthe very, very, very, very end.
Because we're we're we're doneum with all the content, but I
(33:32):
do want to share this verypersonal story, which is an
example, so that if any of youare like me facing this
currently, you'll get what I'mwhere I'm coming from.
I have a family member that isextremely toxic.
Like this person is just knownfor being really negative, very
bossy, very about themselves,and um, I'm not gonna say who it
(33:56):
is.
Actually, I think I'm gonna sayit's an aunt.
Like, I want you guys tounderstand relationally, like,
this isn't just your second,third cousin that you can just
ignore.
It's an aunt, right?
And so I I have been told overthese past couple years, like
legit always getting a call outthe blue, or just you know, it
(34:19):
being brought up to the pointwhere me and one of my parents,
because I'm not gonna say whichone, but um, me and one of my
parents, we really got into abig argument about it because I
felt like they were notunderstanding my boundaries and
where I was coming from.
And I had to point some thingsout to that parent about their
sibling um to say, like, youknow, this person is also very
(34:44):
toxic to you.
They're jealous of you, theydon't, they don't like you,
they're not nice to you, theytalk about your children, which
is me and my brothers.
I'm like, this isn't it's notokay behavior, period.
I'm not trying to be a douche,I'm not trying to be a B-word,
like I'm not trying to be, youknow, which I would I never cuss
to my parents.
But I'm just saying, like, I'msaying that to y'all.
Like, I I am not trying to bedifficult, I'm not trying to be,
(35:05):
you know, anti-family.
That's not what I am.
I'm like, I am just not going totolerate disrespect.
I'm not gonna tolerate threats.
I'm not gonna tolerate, um, Ijust don't, and I just don't
want to be around that.
How are we all screaming peace?
But then y'all are telling methat I have to be around the
very people who take the mostpeace away from me.
(35:27):
Those two things do not add up.
But literally in their minds,it's because family is family no
matter what.
And I'm trying to get my parentsespecially um to understand and
to and to see that like y'all donot have to suffer abuse just
because this person has the sameDNA as you.
Y'all do not have to sufferabuse just because they have a
(35:48):
quote unquote title.
That title means absolutelynothing if they don't love,
respect you, and treat you likea human being.
I will not take your yourtoxicity, I will not take your
nastiness, I will not take yourmanipulation, I will not take
your abuse, I will not take yournegative comments, I I don't
want your your your money, Idon't want nothing, I don't want
(36:11):
your your stuff, I don't wantanything, you know what I'm
saying?
And this always gets heightenedup around holidays because
that's another thing that likeoh it's the holidays and oh and
and it's Christmas andThanksgiving and it's St.
Patrick's Day, and so now we allgotta kumbaya, like kumbay out
the door.
I'm not kumbay, like I I wish Ilove my mom and my dad so much,
(36:38):
and I just wish that I couldlike shake them and be like, Why
can't you see how amazing youare?
How amazing you are, and howlittle these people think of
you.
And it's the same for you, it'sthe same for me.
That's what I had to do, andactually, I didn't do it on my
(36:59):
own.
It's also my husband who goes,he's shaking me, not literally,
but he's just like, Why don'tyou see that you deserve better?
Why don't you see that you givemore than what you receive?
Why don't you see that theydon't respect you?
Why why can't you see it?
And it's taken me y'all yearsbecause of these very things
that I talked about, makingexcuses, thinking that, oh, you
(37:21):
know, again, all the culturalthings, thinking that, you know,
oh, they're gonna change, or orcoming to grips with, okay,
they're not gonna change.
But I'll still go around becauseit's fun and I can still put up
with it as long as they don'tsay anything to me.
But then you go around and youlook at people and you're just
like, man, you can't stopthinking of all the things you
just haven't apologized to otherpeople for, all the people
(37:42):
you've hurt, all the things thathas been done, or all the
secrets being kept within thefamily, but we're getting
together trying to act likethere are no secrets when
everybody's mad at somebody andeverybody got something on
somebody and nobody wants toreally talk about it.
And I said, you know what?
Enough is enough.
I can't keep going around if Ican't be me.
I can't keep going around if Ican't tell you the truth.
(38:03):
I can't keep coming around if wecan't have an honest
conversation.
I can't keep coming around ifwe're not really gonna talk
about the issues within thisfamily.
I'm not doing it.
However, I'm always here.
I have not made the decisions.
I love in the book, she talksabout boundaries.
Like, I am not here to say, I'mnot gonna pick up your phone,
I'm not gonna text you, I'm notgonna engage, I'm not gonna
(38:25):
interact.
Um, only certain people um on meand my husband's side, we don't
allow around our children.
But other than that, you know,there's no one that we're saying
is off limits even from them,but we're not putting out
effort.
We're not gonna, we're not gonnago out of our way, right?
But my door's always open, myline is always available because
I want to be able to have thoseconversations.
(38:45):
I'm here and I'm ready, but I'mnot gonna force people who are
not.
I can't.
And that's where I'm at with myparents too.
Again, I love them.
Um, I'm not gonna keep trying tobeat them over the head.
I'm not gonna keep trying tobring it up.
I've just let it go and I'vemade peace with it, and I'm just
like, it's it's it's cool.
But I will say that in this veryspecific situation I was talking
about, and in and in a fewothers, but in this one, I am
(39:06):
being seen as the bad guy.
I am being, I have been told,even though I am younger, that I
need to be the one to reconcileand make amends, even though the
other person was in the wrong.
Like, y'all, I really justwanted to give that example to
let you all know that I'm inthis with you.
That if you are like me, it'stime for us to see ourselves the
(39:28):
way that we are supposed to seeourselves, as valued, as loved,
and as deserving of beingtreated like a human being, with
kindness, with respect.
With that, that is absolutelywhat we deserve.
So, again, I hope you allenjoyed this episode.
I hope you'll share it.
I hope you'll interact with meand engage with me, sign up for
the email list, follow me onInstagram.
And until next time, let's keepdoing the work to renovate this
(39:51):
all.
What makes someone family?
Is it blood or is it somethingdeeper?
A lot of us have grown uphearing that family is
everything.
But what happens when the peoplewho are supposed to love and
protect us are the ones whocause harm?
When loyalty feels more like atrap than a choice.
(00:24):
For so many of us, family hasbeen defined for us since birth,
who they are, what ourrelationship should look like,
and most importantly, that weowe them something simply
because we share DNA.
But what if that definitiondoesn't fit?
What if staying connected comesat the cost of our peace, our
(00:46):
mental health, and sometimeseven our physical well-being?
If you've ever felt guilty forstepping back from unhealthy
family dynamics, if you've everquestioned whether blood alone
makes someone family, then thisepisode is for you.
Today, we're talking about whyblood doesn't bind, why family
(01:06):
is so much more than DNA, andhow you have the power to create
a family that actually feelslike home.
So let's get into it.
As always, I'm super excited fortoday's episode.
And it's something that's verypersonal to me, and something
that I myself am experiencing atthis very moment, and and
(01:29):
honestly exploring andquestioning and figuring out.
(01:55):
And that can create unnecessaryburdens for us because some of
us are quite literally told thatwe still have to remain in
relationship with family memberswho have abused us, um, with
family members who aremanipulative, with family
members that are like alcoholicsand they always cause problems.
And you just don't want to bearound that.
(02:16):
Like we're quite literally toldthat we have to support family
no matter what, even if thatmeans lying, even if that means
cheating, even if that meansstealing.
I mean, I know people that havegot on, like went into court and
sat in the stand and lied on thestand about situations and
things just to help their familymember, knowing that their
(02:36):
family member was in the wrong.
And and I'm not saying like fromlaw and order, I mean like from
real life.
Um, but I want to debunk that.
I want to debunk this idea, andI and I and I know we've been
seeing this, I think, a lot morelately, but I want to debunk
this idea that like you have tobe with your family no matter
(02:59):
what.
So we'll break this down in inseveral different sections.
And the first one that I want totalk about is why family is
about more than biology.
So let's start with what we meanwhen we say family, because for
a long time we've been taughtthat family is determined by our
biology, your parents, yoursiblings, your aunts, uncles,
cousins, and grandparents,right?
These are the people who aresupposed to be your inner
(03:21):
circle.
Something that we talked abouton the uh episode on enablers,
on how it's easy to be enabledor be in that type of cycle
because they're usually peoplefrom your inner circle, right?
So these are the ones that yourely on, the ones that you know
seemingly quote unquote know youthe best.
Um, but what happens when theyaren't?
(03:41):
What happens when they aren'tyour true inner circle?
Think about it.
Just because we share DNA withsomeone, does that automatically
mean they know us, love us well,or have our best interests at
heart?
Families should be aboutconnection, not obligation.
Biologically speaking, we doinherit 50% of our DNA from each
(04:03):
parent.
And sure, that means that wemight share certain features,
certain tendencies, but itdoesn't determine how deep our
relationships go.
It doesn't mean that person issafe, healthy, or good for us.
Research even backs this upbecause studies show that the
relationships we cultivate, theenvironment we grow up in, and
the values we align with have agreater impact on our emotional
(04:26):
well-being than genetics alone.
That means just because someoneis family on paper doesn't mean
they're meant to be in your lifeforever.
But I do want to take a momentright here to also acknowledge
that even if you are, let's say,let's use the example of a child
being adopted into anotherfamily, they may be able to have
(04:49):
a different response to lifebecause of the environment that
they grew up in.
But from a person who has knownmany foster and adoptive
parents, there's still usuallysomething spiritually about that
child that doesn't change.
And I'm using this as moreevidence for the fact that we
(05:12):
have a soul and that our soulsare tied to and connected to the
people that have given birth tous and that have brought us into
this world.
There's something there stillabout generational things that
generational, you know, curses,if if we will, um, are things
that are passed down, not justbased on your environment, but
(05:35):
even just based on who you were,again, birthed from.
And so while research does show,right, that like we can
cultivate in a new environmentand we can um be in a different
space where values align betterwith who we are, I I would be
remiss not to acknowledgeresearch that I've looked up and
things that I've already studiedand spoke on about um, you know,
(05:57):
the generational aspects.
I think both are still true.
And both, I don't think thateither one takes away from still
the idea that for those of uswho have grown up with this idea
that you have to be loyal tofamily no matter what, that that
is not the case.
But it, I also don't want to Ido not want to pretend as if you
(06:19):
going and you know cuttingfamily off or being raised by a
different family means that youwill not still be connected to
the people that have come beforeyou because I think that there
is a lineage, a legacy.
I think the ancestry right isreal when it comes to the right,
the spiritual side, the soulside of how we are made up.
And that part we don't want toum leave off the table, but we
(06:44):
want to keep it on our on ourminds.
I'm not going too much into thatright now, but I do want to make
sure that I mentioned it.
So before we get into breakingthe cycle, let's talk about why
we hold on to the idea thatfamily is family no matter what.
We do this even when certainrelationships are unhealthy, or
even when we feel hurt ordrained, because something
(07:07):
inside of us is making it reallyhard for us to walk away from
these relationships.
And again, all of this you'regonna see my hand raised because
this is 100% me.
And so I just have like a few,um, a few reasons why not
exhaustive, but the last two Ireally want to talk about
because um maybe because it's meprojecting and in the things
(07:28):
that I feel are most relevant tohow why it's been hard for me.
Um, but I want to really talkabout the last two a little
more.
So, first is culturalconditioning, right?
Like from a young age, we'retaught that you know, family is
the most important thing abovefriendships, above your personal
happiness, and sometimes evenabove your own safety.
Um, in a lot of cultures,especially the black community
(07:50):
and even like Asian, Asiancultures, right?
Not all of them, but but I Ihave you know friends of Asian
background and their familiesare are very much the same, that
you deal with the toxicbehaviors, you come around no
matter what, you're expected to,you know, uh deal with certain
things are just because you'refamily and give certain people
respect no matter how they treatyou and talk to you.
(08:12):
Um, but again, yeah, we're we'retaught like family is
everything.
And for many cultures, that is,and not just those two that I
listed, but for many cultures,even the ones that I'm just
ignorant of and unaware of, itis a source of survival and
history and strength.
And so because of that, we'retaught that turning our back on
family is like one of the worstthings you can do.
And if we're being honest,that's that's valid, that's a
(08:35):
valid belief.
And I think family done right,you should stay loyal to those
people, you should um keep themin your inner circle, you should
fight for them, you know, at allcosts.
That doesn't mean like lie andsteal and cheat for them, like
break the law.
But I think you get what I'msaying, right?
Like, um, but just becausesomething was necessary before
(08:55):
doesn't mean that we have tocarry every aspect of that into
the future.
And so while it was necessaryfor survival at some point, now
we have to kind of look at whatare our circumstances?
Why am I so afraid of walkingaway?
And so that first one wascultural conditioning, the
second one is guilt andobligation, which I mean, that's
(09:18):
your it's just probably gonna beall throughout, but um, you
might grow up hearing thingslike after everything I've done
for you, I've definitely heardthat, or you don't turn your
back on family, or um this, youknow, this family is all you got
at the end of the day, or um,you know, this family they've
done nothing but love you, like,and and then when you hear
(09:39):
things like that, walking awayfrom what you're told is
supposed to be such a loving andbig and gracious family, um, is
it can feel very selfish, evenwhen deep down you know that
it's necessary.
And this is one of the big onesfor me that has definitely kept
me in a lot of familyrelationships that I really
should have walked away from.
Um, we feel obligated becausethere are the people who raised
(10:01):
us, who provided for us.
And if we don't have majorvisible scars, if the harm was
more emotional, verbal, orthrough neglect, then it's it's
even easier to gaslightourselves and to thinking, like,
oh, it's really not that bad.
Fear of loneliness is numberthree.
That's a that's another big one,is that we fear that if we let
go of our biological family,then we we won't have we won't
(10:24):
have anyone at all.
I think you're afraid of peoplebeing right.
You're also afraid that you'regonna regret it.
And then we're also afraid thatwe're not gonna be able to
replace those relationships.
These go really hand in handtoo, because think about it.
When we're afraid that, like,oh, I'm not gonna be able to
replace those relationships, oreven when you do go out and try,
and let's say you get a friend,and then they end up doing some
(10:45):
shady stuff to you, and youlike, you know what, if I gotta
put it up, put up with this whenit comes to friends, I might as
well just go back to this familybecause it's really not that
bad.
Like, like, okay, if I'm gonnadeal with it out there, I might
as well just deal with it withthem.
That, ooh, y'all, like, okay.
So a lot of these really playhand in hand, but let's go back
to the fear of loneliness.
(11:06):
Um, as with many of these, thefeelings are valid.
I want to make sure that ifyou're feeling this, like I've
been feeling this, the feelingsare valid.
It's not something I'm tellingyou to turn off right away,
right?
Um, but here's the truth lettinggo of what's harmful makes space
for what's healthy.
If we stay in places where we'reonly tolerated, we'll never find
(11:28):
the spaces where we are trulyvalued.
And a lot of us, when we'retrying to hold on to both toxic
family relationships, but findthe friendships that serve us,
we end up walking into toxicfriendships because we have not
given ourselves the space andthe opportunity to step away
from these toxic familyrelationships and really assess
(11:50):
and really breathe and reallylook at the damage that has been
done and the reasons why we feelthat we have to step away.
And so when we do not giveourselves the space to do that,
then we go into thesefriendships thinking that all
I'm gonna, I'm now gonna createthe friendships that I wanted
(12:10):
that will serve me better thanmy family relationships.
But then you go into yourfriendships with the same
habits, the same thinking.
Um, um, uh, what's the word I'mnot not catered?
What's the word I'm thinking of?
Uh gravitating towards the sametype of people as your family
members because you stillhaven't really dealt with the
toxicity over there.
(12:31):
Number four and number five arethe two ones that I really want
to talk about.
So we're gonna spend just atlike a like 30 seconds more on
these two.
Number four is romanticizingfamily bonds.
So we've been told our wholelives that family is supposed to
be our foundation, our safespace.
We hear it in movies, we read itin books, we see it on TV shows,
(12:51):
even on social media.
Um, social media, we aredefinitely in that wave of
seeing the marriages and the andthe people with their children.
Again, we've seen our wholelives, right?
That family is supposed to bethis this uh foundation, it's
supposed to be our foundation,right?
The idea, right, that no matterwhat happens, family is always
going to be there for you.
But then we have to askourselves, what happens if
(13:13):
that's not true?
Um, a lot of us are holding onto this idealized version of
family even when our actualexperiences don't match.
Because let's be honest, y'all.
No one wants to admit that theirfamily isn't as loving or
supportive as they should be.
No one and I'm I'm raising myhand again.
(13:36):
No one wants to have to look.
Let me raise this hand so Idon't block my mic.
No one wants to have to look inthe in the mirror and say, Your
family ain't loving andsupporting.
And you in a dry season offriendship.
And I'm a person thatinternalizes and I make it about
me, and I make it about what Idon't have.
(13:57):
And I and I don't think there'sanything wrong with that.
Um I don't think there'sanything wrong with that when
you're trying to assess, like,are you the problem?
I don't think there's anythingwrong with checking in with
myself.
I think the problem becomes whenI when I internalize it, and I'm
like, something must be wrongwith me.
And I'm and I'm taking the wrongthings from what I should be
learning.
I'm not seeing it as Alexandriais maturing and growing and
(14:20):
trying to stand up for herself.
I'm taking it as, oh,Alexandria's a horrible friend,
and she's just not familyoriented, and she I'm I'm taking
the wrong things in, or or I'mjust like, oh, you're such a
loser.
You no one wants to love you.
Like, I'm taking the wrongthings in, right?
And it's hard to have to facethis reality.
(14:42):
And so again, instead of havingto face that, we're telling
ourselves, like, all familieshave problems.
This is just how it is, or maybeI'm expecting too much.
Ooh, and I tell y'all, I'mreading this again, driving down
my street.
You know, when you prepare, whenI prepare the outline, I'm
thinking of y'all, I'm thinkingof the audience, and then I sit
(15:04):
here and it's just me in theroom, and I'm actually like, you
know, giving you all the thingsthat I've been thinking about
and working on, and you know,all my thoughts put together,
and then I'm like, mmm, oh,that's okay.
So you thought you were talkingto them, but you're really
talking to yourself.
It's funny how that alwayshappens.
So again, we're still talkingabout romanticizing family
bonds, right?
(15:24):
And so then there's this waythat we selectively remember the
good and minimize the bad.
If we've ever had a moment whereour family showed love, maybe a
time that they helped us when wereally needed it, or a memory
that makes us smile, we hold onto that.
And that's natural, that'snormal.
We cling to the good because wewant to believe that the
(15:46):
relationship is worth saving.
But here's the question we needto ask: are we holding on to
what the relationship actuallyis, or are we holding on to what
we wish it was?
Because the truth is, not allfamilies provide unconditional
love, and again, that's a hardtruth to have to face.
But we talked about this in inseason one in grieving
(16:09):
relationships and how hard it isto have to grieve the idea of
the relationship that you had,that you're not, um, you're not
necessarily grieving what therelationship is, but you're
grieving what you thought therelationship could be if you
just stayed in it, if you justdid a little more, if you just
ignored this and you just keptthe good memories, right?
(16:31):
And so again, these are reasonswhy we hold on to the idea that
family is family no matter what.
And we just talked aboutromanticizing family bonds, and
that's a big one that I reallywant us to pay attention to
because it is something that wehave to we have to bring
ourselves, we have to like sitourselves down and really think
(16:52):
about it and not keep mole umgoing over it, mulling over it,
acting as if you know, certainthings didn't happen and only
focusing on the good times.
Because that's happened to me isI'll remember I'll get invited
to like a family event, and Iremember how much fun family
events are, and you know, I'm abig family, and oh man, it would
just be laugh, we joke, we play,but then I'll forget that after
(17:14):
a certain time when the sun goesdown and the moon comes out,
second just getting no, butafter a certain time, I don't
know why I do that voice.
I think that is, I don't know.
I think it's I don't know, butum after a certain time, then
you know I forget like oh, herecome the attitudes, here come
the arguments, here come the andso I'll romanticize about all
the good things, I'llromanticize on you know the idea
(17:36):
of what family could be and howit how they how it how they've
supported me when I was littleand all of these things, and
then think like, okay, well,it's just different now, and I
just need to, and and and thenI'm hurt again.
Okay, so here we that's that'swhy it's important.
But last one, holding on to hopethat they'll change, which I
(17:58):
think ties very, very closelyinto romanticizing, and that's
something that we hinted outtowards the end there, right?
Is that we keep thinking thatmaybe one day they'll realize
how they hurt me.
Maybe if I just show updifferently, if I come in with
this new me, they'll change.
If they sh if I show them howmuch I've matured, how much I've
grown, then they'll reactdifferently to me.
(18:20):
Maybe if I just keep trying,like they'll finally understand.
One of the hardest reasons tolet go of family is hope.
The hope that one day they'llbecome the person you always
needed them to be.
That they'll finally see yourside, that they'll acknowledge
your pain or even apologize.
(18:41):
So many of us just want to beseen.
We don't want your money, wedon't want material things, or
just put material things likethem together.
Like some of us don't even wantan apology.
Some of us just want you to seeus.
Some of us just want you to loveus for who we are.
(19:03):
Some of us are really cravingjust conditional, conditional
love and not, I'm sorry, I'msorry.
Some of us are cravingunconditional love where it's
not based on what we do.
Some of us are tired ofconstantly having to show up and
be on and never being able totruly be ourselves out of fear.
(19:28):
If you're like me, you gothrough a lot, but you don't
feel like you can trust people,especially in your family, with
information about your life oryour struggles because it's
gonna be on the hotline and thenit's gonna be used against you.
And instead of somebody pickingup the phone and seeing if
you're okay, they're just gonnatalk about you behind your back.
(19:48):
And then when you see them inperson, they're gonna act like
they have no idea what's goingon in your life.
You know, I I as you all cantell, like I understand this all
too well.
Like, I, like many of you, wanta resolution.
I, like many of you, want tofeel seen and heard and
understood, especially by thepeople who raised me or raised
(20:09):
us who were supposed to protectus.
But here's an another, you know,it's a it's a good reality that
change has to come from them.
It can't be forced, and itdefinitely can be earned by like
just by holding on a littlelonger.
Um, but then there's also thislast like we were talked about
(20:29):
fear, right?
But even in this um, this uhholding on to hope, like there's
also that fear of regret thatwhat if I walk away and then
they change?
What if I miss out on theversion of them that I've always
wanted?
And but y'all, like that fearand in on on all of these, but
that fear can definitely keepyou stuck in a cycle of waiting
(20:52):
instead of allowing you toremove forward.
So I want to take a moment righthere to remind you of something
that you are not responsible forsomeone else's growth.
You can love them, you can wishthem well, but you are allowed
to stop sacrificing yourself inthe process.
Here's the hard truth justbecause dysfunction is
(21:14):
normalized does not mean it'sright, and we're talking about
that being normalized within afamily.
Many of us come from familieswhere secrecy, manipulation, or
even outright abuse okay, hasbeen swept under the rug for
generations.
And stepping away from that,breaking that cycle, that is
some of the hardest work you'llever do, will ever do.
(21:40):
Especially in cultures as we'vealready talked about, where
family loyalty is drilled intous from birth.
What happens in this house staysin this house.
That's not familiar.
We don't we don't air out ourdirty laundry.
Okay, y'all, y'all, y'all everheard that?
Respect your elders no matterwhat.
I talked about that.
Oh, I don't know which episode Italked about that this season.
But I talked about that in oneof the episodes of me being a
(22:03):
little more um combative aboutthat idea because I think that's
how I not I don't think let metake that back.
I know that that is how a lot ofabuse happens, is because people
tell the child or the personthat they're older that oh I'm
your elder, you have to listento me, you have to do this.
And I thank the Lord thatsomewhere in my little little
life I've I've figured out Idon't have to do what you said
(22:26):
you do, what you what what yousaid just because you're telling
me.
If you're nasty, if you're mean,you don't get to just be nasty
and mean and tell me what to dojust because you're older than
me.
I've had to say that to someone.
Oh, I I've had to say that tosomeone as a as a child, and I
know everybody said I had asmart mouth.
Everybody said I had a smartmouth, but you know what?
(22:47):
It was I honestly, y'all, I Ijust think that by the grace of
God, I wasn't more uh uh takenadvantage of, um, definitely
taken advantage of in certainareas of you know, um not like
sexually or anything like that,but just taking advantage of of
definitely power of abuse andjust you know verbally uh talked
(23:08):
down to, you know, whooped bypeople and stuff or doing things
and not getting my parents'consent on on that being
spanked.
Um but I I think that's why Iwasn't as taken advantage of is
because my mouth was big.
My mouth was big, still is,which is why I have a podcast.
Um, but anyways, like yeah, alot of us are taught these
(23:29):
things, and let me be clearfamily and cultural traditions
can be absolutely beautiful, butnot when they come at the cost
of your well-being.
Okay, not when you're being toldthat you gotta do what this
person says no matter what.
So many children are abusedbecause of this mentality, and
that's why this this is reallygonna make me emotional.
(23:54):
That's why stepping away fromme, doing the hard work of this
with family is worth it becauseof my children.
I refuse to allow my children tobe to go unprotected in ways
that I was.
I refuse to allow my children tonow.
I'm not saying that I canprotect them from everything,
(24:16):
but the things that I know, I'mnot carrying on the pattern of
trying to act like we don't knowthat so-and-so is whatever.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm I'm not I'm not gonna put mychildren in a situation where
I'm putting in a car with analcoholic.
Okay.
I'm not I'm not gonna play withy'all when it comes to my
children.
(24:37):
Okay, and I'm gonna protect themin the same way that again, I I
I think I should have beenprotected.
I also want to acknowledge, Ithink the same thing for many of
y'all, that this is not a downto my parents.
This is not me trying to be inmy parents' face like y'all did,
y'all didn't, y'all.
We I've had conversations, wewe've gotten to talk about
(24:58):
certain things, right?
And again, I think my parentsdid, well, not again, but saying
it, I think my parents did agood job.
I don't I don't think that um Ithink my parents, you know,
loved us absolutely, did thebest that they could.
I don't fault them.
I'm not trying to put blame onthem or anything like that.
Were there areas where theycould have done better?
Absolutely, but they knew whatthey knew and they had what
(25:21):
tools they had, right?
Now I have those tools.
Now I can learn.
Now I can right, and so it's onit's on me.
I want to make sure that Iacknowledge that.
Um, so back to what I wassaying, yeah, I'm not playing
when it comes to my children,and that's why this is so
important and teaching mychildren, and then we and I sit
I have boys, and so I tell mybabies, we go through the pipe,
(25:45):
we go through all the parts.
Should and we go through all therelationships.
Should grandma touch you here,should should grandpa papa touch
you here, should Lola touch youhere?
That's my mom.
Should Nana touch you here?
That's my husband's mom.
Should should Uncle Jonathan?
Should Uncle Josh?
Should Uncle Xander?
Should I should Auntie Jack?
Like I we go through and I say,should they be touching you
(26:06):
here?
Should they ask you to touchthem here?
I go through that, I go throughother, you know, you don't get
in no cars, you don't get it.
It's so important because a lotof times predators come within
our families, within the veryfrom the very people that we
think are so are the safest.
And y'all hear me.
I'm not saying none of thosepeople are sad.
(26:27):
That's why I can say they namesbecause I know they would never
do nothing to hurt my babies.
That's why I can say their namesfreely.
So I'm not saying that, I'm notsaying that um I have suspicions
of these people or anything likethat.
The point is that I teach mychildren that no matter the
person in the relationship, theyshould not be touching you
inappropriately, they should notbe asking you to do things
(26:47):
because not even just physical,sexual things either.
It don't they don't, if they askyou to steal, you know, if they
ask you to lie, I go, I go downthat that list with them because
it is very important.
Now and forever, we will dothat.
So they know that I care.
And so they know that you haveto set boundaries.
(27:09):
But okay, let's keep going.
Oh, speaking of boundaries, um,Nedra Tawab, hope that said her
name right.
Um, she has a book called DramaFree.
And I actually really like thatbook.
I highly recommend it for um ifyou're experiencing like family
things.
I forget the subtitle of it.
It's like drama-free, breakingfree from okay, it's drama free,
(27:31):
a guide to managing unhealthyfamily relationships.
So that is what the book iscalled.
And in this book, she talksabout recognizing dysfunctional
family patterns like emotionalneglect, codependency, and
enmeshment.
One of the biggest takeaways isthis boundaries aren't about
punishment, they're aboutprotection.
As I just said, you have theright to say, I will not engage
(27:53):
in relationships that harm me nomatter who you are to me.
And y'all, like if that makespeople uncomfortable, let them
be uncomfortable.
Because staying in unhealthydynamics just to keep the peace,
that's only gonna destroy you inthe long run, especially if
you're dealing with people whohave not grown to mature and
(28:14):
recognize and be able to admitand see their faults and the
things that they have done.
It's gonna be very one-sided,and you will probably always be
the problem.
So you might as well just be theproblem.
We talked about some of theharder parts, but here's the
part that I really want you tohold on to.
You don't have to do this alone.
(28:36):
You can create a family of yourown choosing, and this is really
the heart of the episode.
This is this is really what Iwanted to talk about.
I think I mentioned earlier thatthis is a conversation I've been
trying to have.
Or I'm not sure if I mentionedthis, but um, this is a
conversation that I've beentrying to have with my mom and
my dad to really get them tounderstand.
(28:56):
Oh, I did say this because othergenerations, yeah, to really get
them to understand that um blooddoes not blind bind.
Blood does not mean that I Ihave to reconcile with you.
I'm gonna tell you guys a storyat the end of this.
Um, but it does not mean that Iabsolutely have to reconcile
with you just because you're myfamily member.
(29:16):
Like I'm I'm just so I can't dothat.
Uh, because I I suffer.
I suffer at the end of it.
I lose out.
I'm an I'm sick.
I'm stressed having to be aroundyou, and I just won't do that.
So this is really the heart ofit is that you can create a
(29:37):
family of your own choose, uh,own choosing.
Your chosen family, these arethe people who actually show up
for you, who see you, supportyou, and love you, not because
they have to, but because theywant to.
Studies show that strong socialconnections, whether biological
or not, they lead to a bettermental health, reduced stress,
and even longer life expectancy.
(29:58):
The relationships you nurturematter more than the ones you
were born into.
And obviously, we're not sayingthat the ones that you were born
into can't also be nurtured, butthe but but those still, even in
within your family, therelationships that you nurture
and the relationships that youhave found will definitely stand
out beyond the ones that youwere just, you know, born into.
(30:19):
So here's a reflection prompt.
If you keep a journal or if thisis something you want to think
about, voice note, whatever, Iwant you to sit with this
question.
Who in your life already feelslike family?
Even if they aren't related toyou, who makes you feel safe?
Who shows up without conditions?
(30:39):
And if you're struggling tothink of someone, what steps can
you take to start building thoseconnections?
So that's the little journalprompt for this day.
So practical steps to build achosen family.
Like, how do you actually dothis?
How do you build your chosenfamily?
You should start by identifyingsupportive people.
(31:00):
So, as we've said, who's wholifts you up?
Who respects your boundaries?
Who truly wants the best foryou?
And you've seen that right now.
We don't always get it right.
Sometimes people surprise us,that's just life.
But identify supportive people.
Number two, nurturerelationships, don't run from
good people just because you'reafraid of being hurt.
(31:21):
That's me again.
Um, like any relationship,chosen family requires effort.
Show up, check in, and beintentional about keeping that
connection alive.
I know it's hard because you'vebeen hurt so many times, but
when you find that that goodperson, when you find that
friend, like and or even thatfamily member, even it's it can
(31:43):
be hard too if you have a familymember that you're deeply
connected to, but that stilldoesn't see your family the way
that you see them, right?
I can I can see that beingdifficult, but again, I'm just
saying, like when you find thoserelationships that need to be
watered and nurtured and inbloom, let them don't stifle
them, don't suffocate them.
Next will be letting go of toxicties.
(32:04):
That again, it is okay to walkaway from relationships that
hurt you, and you do not oweanyone a place in your life just
because of DNA.
And then last, be open to newconnections.
Family can be found inunexpected places through
friendships, mentors, andcommunity.
You never know who will becomepart of your chosen family.
(32:28):
At the end of the day, familyisn't just about who you're born
to, it's about who shows up foryou, who sees you, supports you,
and loves you withoutconditions.
Now, I want to hear from you.
Have you had to redefine whatfamily means for you?
Have you found a chosen familythat supports you in ways your
(32:50):
biological one couldn't?
Send me a message or a comment.
I'd love to hear your story.
Also email me.
Um, if you're not already on myemail list, now is the time to
join.
I send out exclusive insights,deep dive reflections, and extra
content that I don't shareanywhere else.
So head to renovatingthesoul.comto sign up.
(33:11):
And if this episode spoke toyou, please share it with
someone who needs to hear ittoo.
Don't forget to follow orsubscribe to the podcast so you
never miss an episode.
And before we close, close, Idid this on purpose.
I wanted to save this story forthe very, very, very, very end.
Because we're we're we're doneum with all the content, but I
(33:32):
do want to share this verypersonal story, which is an
example, so that if any of youare like me facing this
currently, you'll get what I'mwhere I'm coming from.
I have a family member that isextremely toxic.
Like this person is just knownfor being really negative, very
bossy, very about themselves,and um, I'm not gonna say who it
(33:56):
is.
Actually, I think I'm gonna sayit's an aunt.
Like, I want you guys tounderstand relationally, like,
this isn't just your second,third cousin that you can just
ignore.
It's an aunt, right?
And so I I have been told overthese past couple years, like
legit always getting a call outthe blue, or just you know, it
(34:19):
being brought up to the pointwhere me and one of my parents,
because I'm not gonna say whichone, but um, me and one of my
parents, we really got into abig argument about it because I
felt like they were notunderstanding my boundaries and
where I was coming from.
And I had to point some thingsout to that parent about their
sibling um to say, like, youknow, this person is also very
(34:44):
toxic to you.
They're jealous of you, theydon't, they don't like you,
they're not nice to you, theytalk about your children, which
is me and my brothers.
I'm like, this isn't it's notokay behavior, period.
I'm not trying to be a douche,I'm not trying to be a B-word,
like I'm not trying to be, youknow, which I would I never cuss
to my parents.
But I'm just saying, like, I'msaying that to y'all.
Like, I I am not trying to bedifficult, I'm not trying to be,
(35:05):
you know, anti-family.
That's not what I am.
I'm like, I am just not going totolerate disrespect.
I'm not gonna tolerate threats.
I'm not gonna tolerate, um, Ijust don't, and I just don't
want to be around that.
How are we all screaming peace?
But then y'all are telling methat I have to be around the
very people who take the mostpeace away from me.
(35:27):
Those two things do not add up.
But literally in their minds,it's because family is family no
matter what.
And I'm trying to get my parentsespecially um to understand and
to and to see that like y'all donot have to suffer abuse just
because this person has the sameDNA as you.
Y'all do not have to sufferabuse just because they have a
(35:48):
quote unquote title.
That title means absolutelynothing if they don't love,
respect you, and treat you likea human being.
I will not take your yourtoxicity, I will not take your
nastiness, I will not take yourmanipulation, I will not take
your abuse, I will not take yournegative comments, I I don't
want your your your money, Idon't want nothing, I don't want
(36:11):
your your stuff, I don't wantanything, you know what I'm
saying?
And this always gets heightenedup around holidays because
that's another thing that likeoh it's the holidays and oh and
and it's Christmas andThanksgiving and it's St.
Patrick's Day, and so now we allgotta kumbaya, like kumbay out
the door.
I'm not kumbay, like I I wish Ilove my mom and my dad so much,
(36:38):
and I just wish that I couldlike shake them and be like, Why
can't you see how amazing youare?
How amazing you are, and howlittle these people think of
you.
And it's the same for you, it'sthe same for me.
That's what I had to do, andactually, I didn't do it on my
(36:59):
own.
It's also my husband who goes,he's shaking me, not literally,
but he's just like, Why don'tyou see that you deserve better?
Why don't you see that you givemore than what you receive?
Why don't you see that theydon't respect you?
Why why can't you see it?
And it's taken me y'all yearsbecause of these very things
that I talked about, makingexcuses, thinking that, oh, you
(37:21):
know, again, all the culturalthings, thinking that, you know,
oh, they're gonna change, or orcoming to grips with, okay,
they're not gonna change.
But I'll still go around becauseit's fun and I can still put up
with it as long as they don'tsay anything to me.
But then you go around and youlook at people and you're just
like, man, you can't stopthinking of all the things you
just haven't apologized to otherpeople for, all the people
(37:42):
you've hurt, all the things thathas been done, or all the
secrets being kept within thefamily, but we're getting
together trying to act likethere are no secrets when
everybody's mad at somebody andeverybody got something on
somebody and nobody wants toreally talk about it.
And I said, you know what?
Enough is enough.
I can't keep going around if Ican't be me.
I can't keep going around if Ican't tell you the truth.
(38:03):
I can't keep coming around if wecan't have an honest
conversation.
I can't keep coming around ifwe're not really gonna talk
about the issues within thisfamily.
I'm not doing it.
However, I'm always here.
I have not made the decisions.
I love in the book, she talksabout boundaries.
Like, I am not here to say, I'mnot gonna pick up your phone,
I'm not gonna text you, I'm notgonna engage, I'm not gonna
(38:25):
interact.
Um, only certain people um on meand my husband's side, we don't
allow around our children.
But other than that, you know,there's no one that we're saying
is off limits even from them,but we're not putting out
effort.
We're not gonna, we're not gonnago out of our way, right?
But my door's always open, myline is always available because
I want to be able to have thoseconversations.
(38:45):
I'm here and I'm ready, but I'mnot gonna force people who are
not.
I can't.
And that's where I'm at with myparents too.
Again, I love them.
Um, I'm not gonna keep trying tobeat them over the head.
I'm not gonna keep trying tobring it up.
I've just let it go and I'vemade peace with it, and I'm just
like, it's it's it's cool.
But I will say that in this veryspecific situation I was talking
about, and in and in a fewothers, but in this one, I am
(39:06):
being seen as the bad guy.
I am being, I have been told,even though I am younger, that I
need to be the one to reconcileand make amends, even though the
other person was in the wrong.
Like, y'all, I really justwanted to give that example to
let you all know that I'm inthis with you.
That if you are like me, it'stime for us to see ourselves the
(39:28):
way that we are supposed to seeourselves, as valued, as loved,
and as deserving of beingtreated like a human being, with
kindness, with respect.
With that, that is absolutelywhat we deserve.
So, again, I hope you allenjoyed this episode.
I hope you'll share it.
I hope you'll interact with meand engage with me, sign up for
the email list, follow me onInstagram.
And until next time, let's keepdoing the work to renovate this
(39:51):
all.
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