Broken Souls, Broken Bodies: When Emotional Pain Becomes Physical | Ep. 13 - Renovating the Soul

Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
And that's why I'm arguing for you know us
understanding our emotions andunderstanding how they operate
and understanding how they showup in our bodies because it's
not a bad thing either that theyshow up in our bodies in that
way.
Our bodies and our and our soulsthey work together to help us

(00:20):
pay attention to what ishappening around us.
Welcome back to Renovating theSoul.
I am your host, AlexandriaRobinson, and I'm so glad that
you're joining me today.
This podcast is all aboutintrospection, growth, and
creating healthier lives fromthe inside out.
I am a firm believer that if wedo the work of looking within,

(00:42):
we can create a morewell-rounded, healthier, whole,
and even happier experience inlife.
Last episode, we talked aboutroots.
We talked about um what it meantto dig deep into who we are and
looking at the very core of us.
We correlated nature withhumanity and this and the things

(01:04):
that make us up, and we reallytook a lot from nature and
allowed nature to show us how wecan nurture and love ourselves
by making sure that we tend tothe parts of us that need it the
most.
If you haven't checked out theepisode, I definitely encourage
you.
Today we're moving on to adifferent topic.
So I want to make sure that youget a chance to really use

(01:26):
what's from that episode as wecontinue on throughout this
season of the podcast.
In today's episode, we'reswitching topics.
You've probably already seenthat the title is how broken
souls lead to broken bodies, um,the connection between emotions
and physical health, orsomething of that nature, right?
But essentially what we'retalking about is the mind-body

(01:47):
connection.
And I always like to start withsharing with you all what made
me choose these topics because Ipromise you these come from me
just thinking about life'sexperiences and the things that
I've always wanted to like tellpeople.
It's like thinking about thepeople I've been around the most

(02:08):
or the people that I'm closestto within proximity or relation,
not necessarily close to inrelationship.
And taking from the experiences,my own experiences, things that
I would have wanted somebody toshare with me.
And then also looking at, Ithink, what could be helpful to
the people around me.
And so these are personal topicsthat I write down, and then when

(02:30):
I do my research, they turn intosomething even more because I
find out that there's so muchinformation out there, and
that's how this started.
So, really, what I wanted to getat was when I was little, I
would get sick all the time.
And when we're talking aboutlittle um elementary school, so
I would get sick all the time inelementary school with stomach
aches, and I knew that I wasmaking myself sick, but I didn't

(02:54):
know how.
I would get super scared orworried, and then I would end up
sick with like a stomach bug ora stomach ache.
Now, there are probably fewertimes that I actually really did
have something wrong with me andhad a genuine stomach bug like
from sickness.
And I think those times werelike if me and my brother both
got sick, or someone else in thehouse got sick too, then I knew

(03:16):
it wasn't just me, but Idistinctively remember this one
night that we had rabbits aspets, and um we heard all this
commotion.
I think my uncle was at thehouse too, and they were trying
to fight off these dogs that hadeaten our rabbits, and I got so
scared that night that I endedup sick.

(03:37):
Now, what's funny?
What I I guess is okay, how canI say this?
It's kind of funny, it's kind ofnot, but um well, I would get
sick so much that if I atesomewhere or I drank something
or something was around me whenI got sick, I would never do it
again.
So I had a friend from schoolover that night, and I thought
that she was the cause of mysickness.

(03:58):
So I actually never invited herover back to my house, and we
were in school together fromelementary, middle school, and
high school.
I never invited her over for asleepover ever again.
I feel so bad, and I'm not gonnasay who that was.
Um just in case she's listening,no.
Um, but in my mind, I wouldrationalize and try to figure

(04:20):
out what made me sick when I didhave a hint that it was me, but
again, I didn't really know likehow was I really causing myself
to get sick?
I don't understand, like I'mthrowing up, I have all of these
things, I really don't feelgood.
How am I causing myself to besick?
But I knew somehow I was doingit.
My grandma would come and pickme up from school anytime I
called her and told her I wasn'tfeeling good.

(04:41):
And most of those times, again,I was never genuinely sick.
My dad was the one that waslike, I'm not picking you up or
you're not getting out of schooluntil there are actual signs
that you're truly, truly sick.
And I think that's because heunderstands too that like
children, right?
We often fib about being sickbecause we just don't want to go
to school.
But in my case, it was both ofthose things.
But majority and and more sopertaining to what we're talking

(05:04):
about today, it really was a lotin my mind, right?
That was happening.
Um, I grew up in a way that Idon't think that I really saw
healthy emotions on display.
I saw a lot of extremes, andhonestly, I'm st I'm still like
that.
I'm like either way up here orI'm way down here, and now I'm

(05:27):
trying to find a really healthybalance.
Um, but back to what I wassaying, I I grew up with a lot
of extremes, a lot of extremeemotions, and not really seeing
people process them well, seeingpeople jump from like one thing
to the next, to the next, to thenext.
And as I talked about in thefirst episode, Predators in the

(05:47):
Pulpit, I grew up in church, anda lot of those environments do
not encourage you to be in tunewith your emotions.
So I didn't really grow uphaving a good relationship with
um emotions and understandinghow they operate and work.
I probably didn't pay attentionwell in biology um and about our
makeup and stuff, but I don'treally remember that being the

(06:09):
main focal point either.
Um, psychology for sure, right?
They definitely want you tounderstand yourself and be in
tune with your emotions.
But again, you can learn thingsin certain environments, but if
you're not in an environmentthat is proactively doing those
things, you're probably notgonna have them ingrained into
who you are.
And so one of the things that Ifelt like I well, I would say I

(06:32):
had this silent frustration thatI didn't know how to put into
words, but I was reallyfrustrated with the fact that no
one was handling their emotions.
Um, and I not like no one likereferring to everybody in the
world, but like I said, theenvironments that I grew up in,
even going to college and seeingthe behavior of people, right?

(06:55):
Even my own emotions were out ofwhack, okay?
And so I had a problem with likehow are we supposed to do this?
But I didn't know where thatstarts.
I it wasn't really actively andconsciously on my mind.
Like I said, it's more like asilent, unconscious kind of
thing.
I mean, it's hard to call itunconscious, but I was aware of
it, but it just wasn't on theforefront of my mind.
Hopefully that makes sense.

(07:15):
And so in 2014, I was at home inmy apartment in Smyrna, Georgia,
and I was watching the church Ihad attended kind of off and on.
They had, I was watchingvirtually, and they had a a
gentleman come named PeterScazaro.
And hopefully I'm not butcheringthe last name.
I've always struggled uh withhis last name, but I believe

(07:37):
it's Peter Scizaro.
And I'd never seen a like TEDTalk interview-esque thing on a
Sunday morning, Pastor E.
Dewey Smith.
It was my first time witnessinga untraditional Sunday service
where Peter Scizaro talked abouthis his book, and it was titled

(08:01):
Emotionally HealthySpirituality.
And he goes on, he starts and hegoes on about how as Christians
we should be in tune with ouremotions, that emotions should
not be neglected when it comesto our spirituality.
And y'all, I could go on and on,but y'all, let me tell you
something.
That sermon that was 10 yearsago.

(08:23):
Was it 10 years ago?
2014.
Yeah, that was 10 years ago.
I still remember the day that Iheard the things that he was
saying.
I don't remember everything hewas saying verbatim, but I
remember my world.
It was like those movies whereeverything just stops.
I remember just everything justshifting and changing for my

(08:44):
mindset, for the way that Iperceived.
It was like a light bulb wentoff, and I was like, Finally,
like this, this is exactly it'slike what my soul had been
longing for to know to have thatcomfort of like, you're not
crazy, right?
You should be, you should useyour emotions.
Your emotions are not bad,they're things that you need to
be paying attention to, and thatemotions do play a factor into

(09:08):
spirituality.
Now, even though I wasn'tdirectly told you cannot be
emotional as a Christian, um, itwas definitely implied.
It was definitely implied in theway that you're not supposed to
be sad about certain things oror you can't be too happy or you
can't have it, it was just likeagain, not deliberately.

(09:29):
No one sat me down and was like,as a Christian, we don't stay in
tune with our emotions, but fromthe environment, from watching
people, from seeing, from evenwhen I would have my own
experiences, right?
And either people notdiscouraging or people
encouraging the you know theright or wrong behaviors, like I
just there I was reallystruggling because I didn't
understand how I was supposed toreally regulate and balance that

(09:53):
aspect of me.
And so when I heard PeterScazaro talk about this, I
immediately bought that book.
I to this day, that book is likestamped in my mind.
It is one of the books thatabsolutely changed my life and
got me on this path of wantingto like wake people up and be
like, you need to be in tunewith in tune with your emotions,

(10:14):
you need to know what ishappening, and you cannot
separate them from yourspirituality, you cannot
separate them for youreducation, you cannot separate
them from your emotions, theyare a part of us, a part of all
of us.
And so today, that's what we'regonna be talking about.
The theme of this broken soulslead to broken bodies is

(10:34):
essentially about how um ourunresolved emotional wounds,
stress, and inner turmoil canshow up in our physical health.
And so, if we neglect ouremotional well-being or refuse
to address the deep-seated pain,um, our bodies start to bear the
weight of it.
The connection between ouremotional state and our physical
health is simply undeniable.

(10:55):
And I want to read thisstatistic, y'all, y'all already
know me or should know me bynow.
If it's your first time here,then you'll learn.
Uh, I I always have my littleresources.
So um I didn't use emotionallyhealthy spirituality for this um
for for this episode, but it isstill a book that I definitely
recommend.
I will have all the links foryou all, of course.

(11:16):
But I wanted to read this quotefrom the article that I read,
how emotional processes affectphysical health and well-being.
And I wish I had it, I wish Ihad the the original right in
front of me.
I don't, but it is from, Ibelieve, like a a hospital.
Um, so again, I don't have thatright in front of me, but I but
it is, it seemed like a verycredible source.

(11:38):
And so that's why I used it andI used um some of the
information in it.
So here's what the quote saysStudies have found that over 80%
of all doctors' visits involveda social emotional problem,
while only 16% could beconsidered solely organic in
nature.
One study found that 84% of 567common complaints, such as chest

(12:02):
pain and dizziness, yielded nomedical diagnosis.
So, before I get into that, Iwant to say this is not saying
that people who go to the doctorand you know, if you have
physical pain, that it ends upnot being nothing.
That's not what this is saying.
What this is saying is thatoften people are going to, and
the article talks about this,they're going to the doctor.

(12:25):
They have these real bodilythings, physical things
happening, but there's nospecific diagnostic or diagnosis
or a solution for what ishappening within them.
I'm sure you and I probably knowthose people, those people who
are always something's alwayswrong with them, or they're
always at the doctor, they'realways getting tests ran, and

(12:47):
they get the tests ran.
And if you come from abackground like me, where you're
a Christian, uh, you know,they're always like, oh, it's a
miracle.
They didn't find anything.
But that in this case, the onewe're talking about today, that
is likely because there wasnothing to find in the first
place, because the problem wasnot really from starting from
the physical, but it's startingfrom the soul, it's starting
from what's happening withinthat person, it's starting from

(13:10):
the emotions that are plaguingthem, the chronic emotions that
they have kept themselves in.
And so that is what we aretalking about.
So I'm gonna be breaking downhow emotions are not just these
fleeting things, right?
They're not just these fleetingfeelings, as many of us have
been taught, right?
To either ignore them, suppressthem, repress them, which

(13:30):
there's a difference between thetwo of those.
They're not just these thingsthat, oh my gosh, they're so
manic and I can't control them,and I just gotta let them happen
to me.
And I have to just live intoeach emotion as it comes.
Like they're not those thingseither, right?
They are signals from our bodiesthat help us understand what's
going on inside.
Our emotions guide us, y'all.
Like, I'm so excited for today'sepisode because this is

(13:52):
literally what I wish I wouldhave found years ago.
Um, and I and I and I've been onthis journey, right?
Since that eye-opening moment in2014.
But even in coming to doresearch for this episode, I
learned so much more than I knewbefore.
And it actually has helped me somuch now at 32, right?

(14:16):
Not just with myself, but evenwith how I parent my children to
be careful, and I'm gettingahead of myself because I'm so
excited, so I'll I'll reel itback in, but to be careful not
to um cause them to suppresstheir emotions, but to lean into
them in a healthy way.
So we're gonna unpack that.
We're gonna be talking about howour emotions they guide us.

(14:38):
Um, however, when they getoverwhelming or out of balance,
that's when they can show up inour bodies in ways that we don't
always expect.
We're gonna look at whatemotions really are, how
specific emotions affect ourbody, and the natural ways that
our bodies work when weexperience these emotions.
And then I always love to sharepractical advice.

(14:58):
So I'm gonna share practicaladvice on how to balance emotion
and reason and a lot of thesesuggested collective advice from
the various resources that Ipulled from.
It was honestly essentially thesame, which I also found pretty
fascinating.
And so I'll I'll yeah, I'll I'llend the episode with that
practical advice.
I wanna take a moment here tosay I'm not an expert, I'm not a

(15:19):
psychologist, I'm not uh anemotions expert by any means.
Again, I am just a girl, a womanwho really believes that we can
live well-rounded lives.
I I say about myself that I am areal, regular, well-rounded
woman, right?
Like I want to be healthy in aholistic way and not just in one

(15:45):
main area of my life.
And so that means physically,mentally, emotionally.
And we're gonna talk about someof the advice and the things
that I need to work on inmyself, right?
So I'm not an expert at this,but I'm so excited to share this
because in these past 10 years,as I've been trying to really do
this, and again, not perfect,right?
Because now I'm learning how todo it in a marriage.

(16:08):
I'm learning how to do it withmy children, I'm learning how to
do it as situations come up,right?
Because I am a person who likeleans so heavy into my emotions
and not into reason.
And it's probably one of thethings that you know gets me
into trouble the most when itcomes to people, when it comes
to my marriage, is that I'm soemotion-focused and I allow my

(16:28):
emotions to control me um often.
And so that is it's a journey,right?
It's a journey, and that's whatI want to encourage you all that
like doing this work, even whatwe're about to unpack and having
to face certain emotions, havingto, you know, dig deep, it's not
easy, it's very hard.
But this is a marathon, it'snothing that you're gonna get by

(16:50):
the time this episode is over.
Uh, you need to you need to begracious with yourself and love
on yourself and don't beatyourself up, right?
That's the opposite of what wewant.
This is really here so that youall can start thinking, asking
yourselves questions, andobviously, right, starting to do
that work of introspection.
And so that's what this is allabout.
That's what this is here for.

(17:11):
We're on this journey together,as I often say.
So before we dive in, I do wantto say some of my resources that
I use.
So I used a book calledEmotions.
A very short, it's it's a veryshort introduction on emotion.
So, very short introductions isthis, it's a book series that
you can find, and they have tonsof topics.

(17:32):
And then I also used anotherbook titled Why Emotions Matter,
and then there's another bookthat I didn't use on the
philosophy of emotion that Ithat I do recommend.
I just didn't have enough timeto really get through all of
that for this episode, but thatis a good book, and then there's
also an article on emotion umfrom the Stanford Encyclopedia

(17:54):
of Philosophy, and so that'sanother good resource, and what
you do right with these uh booksis as you're reading them,
you're gonna notice that thereare differences and there are
similarities, and you have tochoose from what you know, from
what you research, from thefacts that you find, right, from
the sources that are credible,you need to compile what the

(18:16):
foundational aspects are, andthen there are nuances, right,
that you can branch off to.
So that's what we're gonna,that's what I'm gonna focus on.
Is like I'll tell you all someof the differences between the
two sides, but the main meatthat we're gonna focus on is
what collectively these peopleand all these different branches
and um different um disciplines,what they have come to agree

(18:39):
upon.
Okay, so let's dive in.
First, we're gonna talk aboutwhat are emotions.
Okay, so before we got too deepinto what emotions are exactly,
I wanted to just share reallyfast from um the this is kind of
fascinating fact that I foundthat makes a lot of sense for
why there's so much but also notenough on emotion, like the word

(19:04):
emotion.
And that's because I learnedthat it the word emotion is
fairly recent.
So before the 19th century, solooking at philosophers, which
if you listen to my philosophyepisodes, you hear me refer to
these things, right?
Um, they would talk aboutpassions, sentiments, and
affections, and they would umthey would write about things
like anger, pity, and fear.

(19:25):
They have been writing aboutthose things for thousands of
years, but they were not lumpedtogether.
They actually would um makedistinctions between them,
right?
And almost define them againsteach other, right?
What is this one, what it is,what it's not.
Um, and then when, and I don'tremember the exact person's
name, but there was a pointwhere they needed to describe

(19:51):
emotions in a way that was notinfluenced by the Greek
philosophers, and that was notalso influenced by the Christian
church.
They wanted something moreneutral and out of kind of um, I
don't remember the exacthistory, but they around that
time kind of was wherepsychology was born.
And psychology was supposed tobe morally neutral, so free from

(20:12):
the ethical framework of theGreek philosophers and also free
of the religious connotation, soit had to be secular, right?
And they needed a new wordbesides the ones that had been
coming up, right?
Because certain words wereassociated with Christianity,
certain things from the Greekphilosophers, as we've already

(20:34):
said, and so the word emotionfit, but nobody really knew what
it meant.
In fact, there was a professor,um, an Edinburgh professor, he
was a professor of moralphilosophy, and he told his
students that the exact meaningof the term emotion is difficult
to state in any form of words.
And when I was doing my researchessentially, like it's still

(20:59):
kind of confusing on when you'retrying to say what is emotion,
what is the word emotion, whatdoes that mean?
And so there's a lot of researchalready there, but there's a lot
of research still being done,right?
I almost like the fact that theywere separated at one point, and
instead of now just kind ofbeing lumped together in this

(21:20):
kind of vague, hard to explainword, but for the sake of our
time, we will, you know, referto emotions being that us to say
this.
We'll refer to the word emotionswith the understanding that
emotion does not define thingsperfectly, and it doesn't put
things into perfect categoriesbecause as we're gonna learn,

(21:42):
there are basic emotions, thingsthat you know are automatic, but
then there are our highercognitive emotions that may um
you know require a moreconsciousness, more thought to
them.
And then you have emotions, butthen you also have moods, right?
So that's why I'm saying thatthat the word emotion.
That's why I wanted to bringthat up.
It's not perfect.
And when you hear emotion andwhen I hear emotion, we may hear

(22:05):
different things.
Some of y'all might hearDestiny's child.
You know what I'm saying?
Like, we might hear differentthings.
So I want to be clear that youknow that is for a reason,
right?
Like it's not perfectly defined.
Let's dive in this time for realto what are emotions.
So, like I said, we often thinkof them as these fleeting things
that you know are reactions tothe things in our life.

(22:26):
But emotions are more thansomething that we feel, they are
biologically rooted responses tothe world around us.
And when I say um by you knowbiologically rooted responses,
it means that all mammalsexperience some level of
emotion.
Humans, we all humans experienceemotions, all of us, every

(22:48):
single one of us.
There is not one human that canescape basic emotion.
Okay.
And oftentimes, emotions are howour bodies tell us that
something matters, or thatsomething is happening, or that
we need to be paying attention.
Emotions are short-term andintense responses to specific

(23:08):
events, and these events couldbe internal, like remembering a
past event or having a dream, orit could be external, like
hearing surprising news, orhearing a balloon pop, right?
That might startle you or scareyou.
Um, emotions triggerphysiological changes.
So things like you might get anincreased heart rate, or you
might get a flushed face, oryour stomach might get knots or

(23:32):
butterflies, as we might callthem.
Um, in fact, our emotions areclosely tied to what is called
the automatic nervous system,and this controls our bodily
functions that we don'tconsciously think about.
So, you know, when you likeperfect example, here we go.
I was at the dentist and I wasin a dentist chair, I was

(23:53):
pregnant, I was so nervous.
I had been thinking about allthe things that could go wrong.
And as I'm in this dentistchair, the doctor's hand, he's
an older gentleman.
I've never been to this dentist.
I just had a dental emergency,needed to get a touja move, and
the dentist's hand was shaking.
He's like shaking as he's goingin my mouth.
My heart rate, without me beingable to control it, like I

(24:14):
didn't even know why.
My heart was danger beating outof my chest that I thought I was
almost about to make that mancalled 911 until I realized, and
and you guys, I'm not evenkidding.
This is how I've been trying,I've been trying to regulate my
body for years because I knowhow I am.
I know that I can freak myselfout from my emotional responses.
Um, and so I had to, I had tocalm myself down and tell myself

(24:37):
that there was nothing trulywrong with me, that I was
freaking myself out, and I hadto bring my own heart rate back
down from like really thinkingabout it.
But when I say my heart rateshot up, that's what we're
talking about, right?
Is that our emotions are closelytied to these functions and it's
that we don't have to thinkabout for them to happen.
So our heart rate, our our umdigestion, our blood flow, and

(24:57):
so we might feel the emotionbecause our body is reacting.
So before we start talking abouthow some of the specific or
basic emotions affect our body,I want us to remember that our
feelings and our emotions arenot the cause of our health
problems, it is the chronicreliance on defenses against the

(25:20):
experience of our true feelingsthat end up um causing this
tension and disease.
What does that mean?
That means that the more that wesuppress unconsciously or
repress sub subconsciously ourfeelings.
So the more we either arethinking about it and we and we
put our feelings down, or themore we're not thinking about it
and we're trying to run fromwhat we truly feel, that's what

(25:43):
ends up causing a lot of thesephysical things to happen.
And again, we're talking aboutchronic.
So we're talking about overtime, over time, you have
learned to push your truefeelings away, which then causes
you to have digestion problemsand gastrointestinal issues and
a fast heart rate.
And then what happens is overtime your body starts to respond

(26:06):
faster to certain situations.
Almost you really can't controlit because you've almost, and
these are my words, you'vealmost like trained your body to
do that, right?
Um, my body knows that when Iget scared, like I will freak
myself out over a made-up story.
And I and I have to tell myselfall the time, like, girl, that
didn't even happen.
Like, I will go down a rabbithole of like, oh my gosh, what's
gonna happen if this happens, ifthat happens, then that's gonna

(26:28):
happen because this happens.
And then there I am, my heart'sracing, I'm not feeling good.
And then I'm like, oh girl,bring yourself back, bring
yourself back.
So um, again, it's not just thatwe're you know pushing feelings
off to the side because that'svery different, right?
Sometimes if you're angry, youdon't need to act in the moment,
you need to wait until you calmdown.
That's very different thanconstantly trying to cover up

(26:50):
anger with something else ortrying to say you're not angry
when you really are, right?
Again, over a long period oftime.
So, and and I and like again,y'all, I really encourage you
guys to dig into these resourcesbecause they are so amazing.
Um, and why emotions matter, andin the emotions book.
So I think in the emotions book,actually, the the little one,

(27:12):
they talk about three differenttypes of emotions.
So basic emotions, cognitiveemotions, and then cultural
emotions.
And the two we're mainly gonnafocus on our basic emotions,
cognitive emotions, and thenwe're gonna talk about moods,
which is supposed to bedifferent than emotions.
So, some basic emotions aresadness, fear, anger, shame, and
we're gonna talk about thosespecifically.

(27:33):
Um, disgust is another one,right?
And these higher cognitiveemotions are love, guilt,
embarrassment, pride, envy,jealousy.
Now, as I've already shared,there's a lot of different
research on these.
So some people think that someare basic, some people think
that you know certain things arean emotion.
Like I've been told, love is notan emotion.
Some people say it is, but it'sa higher cognitive emotion, not

(27:57):
a basic emotion.
Um, the main difference betweenbasic emotions and higher
cognitive is that basic emotionsare universal and innate, so
they are rapid, onset, and theylast a few seconds at a time.
Higher cognitive emotions arenot so automatic and so fast as
basic emotions, nor are they uhlike universally associated with

(28:17):
a single facial expression.
So, what does that mean?
It means like with the basicemotion, you can tell if
someone's scared, you can tellif someone's happy, you know, at
least from looking at theirface, you can tell even if
they're trying to mask whatthey're truly feeling, you can
see some type of emotionexpressed on their face.
You can go to another countryand you can essentially
understand how someone feels bylooking at them or guess, right,

(28:39):
how they're feeling by the waythat they look.
Those are basic emotions.
Your higher cognitive emotionslike love, guilt, embarrassment,
pride, envy, jealousy, you don'talways see those and they take
longer to actually set in.
It's also said that with ourbasic emotions, we're not really
conscious and aware that they'rehappening sometimes.
Sometimes we might hearsomething and automatically

(29:00):
we're afraid, right?
That's your basic emotions.
Whereas with your highercognitive, there's a usually
more thought involved.
I usually love someone becauseX, Y, and Z.
Whereas I can experience fearand not really know why I what
I'm afraid of or why I'm afraid,right?
And so the higher cognitiveemotions, they they're still
universal, but there's morecultural variation with those,

(29:24):
and they take longer to buildup, but also they take longer to
die away than basic emotions.
So when we talk about thosecultural variations, love is one
of those things where inAmerica, you know, love is
flowers and Valentine's Day andcar, you know, given your and
maybe I'm just looking at toomany celebrities, but you know,
that you know, love is likewrapped up in a lot of material

(29:46):
things, but then you have truelove and all of these different
things, right?
We see the love and theprincesses and the fairy tales,
whereas you might go to anotherculture.
For example, when Disney went toParis and they opened up their
um Disneyland Paris, they hadall these Disney princess
princesses and all these ideas,and the Paris, you know, the the
people, the Parisians were like,Absolutely not, we don't know

(30:08):
what you're talking about.
Like, this is not what wesubscribe to.
We don't know these fairy talecreatures.
So when I say culturalvariation, I'm mainly referring
to the fact that um love, thingslike love or jealousy, envy,
right, can be expresseddifferently depending upon the
culture.
We're not always um doing loveor thinking of it in the same
way, and we know that, right?

(30:28):
From different proverbs andthings of that nature that come
from different places.
The other thing I wanted to noteabout higher cognitive emotions
that I found very interesting isthat those emotions are more
social in a way that basicemotions are not.
So you can love yourself, butusually, you know, love in the
way that we're talking aboutinvolves another person.
Um, guilt usually happensbecause of something you've done

(30:52):
to someone or something you'vedone that you don't want someone
to find out.
Um, embarrassment usuallyhappens again when you're
socially interacting withpeople.
Envy, it's usually you'reenvious of a person, not of a
thing, right?
You're envious of something thatthey have, but it's that person,
you're envious that that thingbelonged to that person.
So if you have you let's saythere's a bins you really want,
right?

(31:12):
You're not envious of the bins,but when Susie gets the bins,
you're not you're still notenvious of the bins, like oh
that bins, I'm mad at that binsfor going to Susie.
No, you're mad at Susie forhaving the bins that you want,
you see.
And so, and I I did this wholething on envy, maybe we'll talk
about it one day.
But um, and so that's that thatI felt like was really
interesting was the fact thatthese higher cognitive emotions

(31:35):
uh really have a us have thatsocial aspect to them.
Before we get into the way thatthese emotions affect our body,
I also want to make it very,very clear that emotions are not
inherently good or bad.
I know that we as a culture,especially in America, have put
our stamps on which emotions aregood and bad.
So sadness is typically seen asbad, even like in the movie

(31:59):
Inside Out, right?
We were all mad at sadness.
Um, but sadness was seen as bad,right?
Or sadness is seen as bad.
Anger is usually accepted in away, but that's a that's a
negative emotion.
But emotions in and ofthemselves are really not good
or bad, they they just are.
They're just they they just are,and again, these have been

(32:20):
around since the beginning oftime to help us in our
evolution, right?
To help us in the different, um,as we were becoming more aware
and cognitive beings, right?
They are here to help us forsome type of security,
protection, something.
And so I don't want us tocontinue on with this mindset

(32:40):
that, oh, if I have thisemotion, it's bad, or oh, if I
have this emotion, it's good.
Emotions are just what they are.
What I think what makes them bador good, or us put those labels
on them, is what happens fromthem, like how we react, how we
use them, you know, when you seesomebody that's angry, they
might punch someone, somebodythat's sad, they're crying all
day, right?

(33:00):
And so it feels very negative,it feels very bad.
It doesn't always feel good,right?
But sometimes having joy, youcould have joy at the wrong
thing.
I mean, we can maybe question isit really joy, but some people
get joyous at the downfall ofothers, right?
Does that make joy a negativeemotion?
No, though.
So again, emotions in and ofthemselves are not negative and

(33:20):
they're not harmful, they'reactually they're actually what
we need.
They are here for us, again, forus to use them as guides
throughout our life.
There's signals for us to beable to, uh, there's signals for
us where we need to be payingattention to something happening
around us.
You know, there throughout thetimes, right, and the studies of

(33:42):
emotions, there definitely havebeen scholars to say that that
emotions are bad.
And that has been passed downwhere people think that emotions
are bad and we shouldn't haveany emotions.
You should only rely on reasonbecause your emotions are gonna
just throw everything off.
And since then, what we'vereally come to find is that it's
not about having too much havingusing all your emotions, as some

(34:04):
might say, or it's not aboutusing all reason, it's actually
about striking a balance betweenboth.
So you need both emotion andreason, and you need the healthy
balance, and that is hard to do.
That is something that you haveto learn over time.
Me personally, I really lovethat like we're born and we
evolve and we grow and we're notjust experts at a thing.

(34:24):
And so I love the fact that wereally have to go through our
life finding the balance betweenour emotions and reason, right?
It doesn't just come naturallyto us.
Some of us are like all reasonand no emotion, and then others
are all emotion, no reason, likeme.
And so you really life is whatwhat most scholars have come to
agree on, almost all scholars,most of them have come to agree

(34:45):
on, is the fact that uh this thebalance, the true what we need
to be working on is notmastering one or the other, but
balancing between the two.
Sometimes we need to listen toour emotions over reason,
sometimes we need to listen toreason over emotions, but you
have to find the balance.
Neither one should be in controlover the other or too much,
right?

(35:06):
We're gonna walk through severaldifferent emotions really
quickly, just so I can point atyou know what that emotion is
and how it shows up in our body.
Shame.
Let's talk about shame first.
So, shame is you know, we havedisgust, right?
And shame seems to be like thissort of disgust within
ourselves.
There's something that we arenot liking about ourselves, and

(35:27):
so it causes us to look at ouridentity.
So there's the book Why YourEmotions Matters.
That's where I'm gonna pull fromwhere they talked about shame.
I liked how they how they putit.
Of course, this isn't the endall be all on it, um, but this
is kind of how they put shame,and I really liked their
explanation, and so they feelthey said in their book that

(35:50):
shame is uh a signal thatsomething's happening to your
identity, and it's not apleasant process to have to deal
with shame because it requiresyou to really look under the
hood, so to speak, and deal withwhat is happening within you.
And a lot of us want to hide ourshame, we want to hide our shame
from others and we want to hideit from ourselves because we

(36:12):
just don't want to deal with it.
But that's as we're as we'retalking about today, it's risky
to really suppress and repressthese things because you will
spend more time trying to fixyourself over time if you don't
address the issue right now.
It's the same thing that wetalked about in roots.
The more time that you spenddigging deeper to get to the to

(36:34):
the deeper roots, the less timeand less energy and resources
you'll have to use over thecourse of time because you've
built a really good system toget down into those roots.
And so you know, trying toignore these emotions is the
same thing.
So shame often manifests in ourbody where it increases our
blood pressure, our heart rate.

(36:55):
Some of us show shame throughour body posture.
We might slump or we might avoideye contact.
Um, over time, people whostruggle with ongoing shame they
can develop chronic pain or bodyweakness, and they can have
these high levels of cortisol,which can lead to insomnia,
diabetes, depression, and otherstress-induced conditions.

(37:16):
Our bodies were not meant tohandle high levels of any of
these emotions, and that's whywe see them manifest in this way
so often.
Shame, right?
Like shame is there to signalthat something is happening to
our identity, something about usis being threatened, and that's
what we need to pay attention towhen we feel shame.

(37:37):
But there is a differencebetween telling yourself that
you're a loser versus havinglost something, right?
So let's say you lost a game.
There's a difference between Ilost a game and I am a loser.
Those are two differentstatements.
And so when we take on that I ama loser mentality or I am uh
this, whatever it is, and westart to shame ourselves, right?

(38:00):
And we don't deal with it, thenthat is what leads to that
manifestation, right, over time.
It's important that with shame,we look, as the analogy says
from the book, we look under thehood at who we really are, um,
what is really happening to us.
They also said that shame is agood, like looking at our

(38:21):
identity and seeing shame is agood way to address our values
because sometimes what we thinkare our values are truly not our
values until we experienceshame.
And then we realize, oh, Ithought I valued this, or I
thought these are my values, butreally when we start to look at
our true identity, we realizethat those are actually not our
values.

(38:41):
And again, this is like thewhole theme of this, right?
Is that so many things are thewhole theme of this podcast is
what I mean.
There's so many things that arepassed down to us from other
people, and so a lot of theseemotions, right, or and
especially this one with shame,will lead us down a path of
being able to better understandwho we are and what it is that

(39:03):
we feel threatened by.
How beautiful of a thing is itthat in a moment something's
happening and that theseemotions come to help show us
something is wrong, right?
Again, they're signals, they'reguides.
So let's talk about fear.
So fear is a necessary emotion,even when we don't want to feel

(39:24):
it.
It is one of those things thattells us that there is something
out there that is dangerous,there is something that we need
to pay attention to, and withoutthis sense of danger, we will
find ourselves in situations.
Honestly, they were sayingcollectively that they were
saying if you do not have fear,you probably won't live very

(39:45):
long, and you also probablywouldn't be a very nice person.
Because fear does is to help youthat to see that there is some
sense of danger.
And when we have fear, um, itwill also lead to the things I'm
sure we've all heard flight,fight, fight, flight, or freeze.
So you fight, you know, youeither gotta, you know, fight,
whatever that looks like,flight, you run, or you freeze.

(40:06):
You don't, you know, you justdon't go anywhere, right?
And so the negative side offear, right?
Having too much of it or havingthat fear chronically all the
time over and over, is that itcan become a problem if we do
never if we never figure outwhat we're afraid of.
Because just because we'reafraid of something doesn't
actually mean that it's scary.

(40:28):
So just because there's fear andsomething's signaling to us that
we're in danger, it doesn'talways mean that the thing that
we're fearful of is bad.
So one of the examples was thefear of a committed
relationship.
Just because you're afraid ofbeing in a committed
relationship or you're afraid tolose this person because of your
past doesn't mean that it's abad thing that you need and that

(40:51):
you should just break up withthis person and give up on love
altogether, right?
Like that's what that's what wemean by just because you're
experiencing fear doesn't meanthat there's a valid threat.
And that again is why when youare experiencing fear, you have
to address and figure out whatis it and ask yourself, what is
it that I'm afraid of?
And fear um can make usdesperate, it can make us

(41:14):
desperate because we all want tofeel secure, and when we don't
feel that security, we becomedesperate and we start looking
for things to make us secure.
And sometimes when you're infear of a relationship, in order
to make yourself feel secure,you may just, you know, be with

(41:36):
a different person one after theother, kind of no matter what,
because you're afraid of thatyou're you know, you're fearful
of like not having that securityand that protection or that
validation, right?
Of like, I'm a good person.
And so all of these emotions canwork together as well and show

(41:56):
you and point to bigger issues.
Um, high levels of fear, right?
And high can cause these highlevels of stress.
And again, it can cause ourheart rate to increase, it can
cause nausea, shaking, you canhave um over time, right?
If we're not able to managefear, then it can lead to

(42:17):
chronic anxiety, and then we'llnotice long-term effects like
insomnia, stomach issues, orchronic headaches.
What I thought was also veryinteresting is that when fear
takes over our body, so we'retalking about intense fear, like
when someone shoots off a gunand intense fear takes over our
body, our body actually shutsdown from when we experience
high levels of fear.

(42:38):
It shuts down non-essentialoperations and then it only
focuses on the things that'sgonna keep us alive.
So then that can sometimes leadto like diarrhea and like our
digestive systems shutting down.
It's only gonna focus on thethings that are keeping us
alive, which I thought was socrazy.
Because could you imagine livingin a constant cycle of fear,

(42:59):
just living with intense fearall the time, afraid of
everything?
Your body is there working withthese emotions, right?
And when those emotions takeover too much, it'll cause again
all non-essential functions ofyour body to shut down, which of
course sounds very, very and isvery, very unpleasant.

(43:19):
Um, sometimes people whoexperience fear in this way,
they have or you know, have anissue and have not really
addressed their fear, they tryto control things because they
think that if they could controlthings, they could prevent bad
things from happening.
And that's how I am with mykids.
I'm so afraid of certain thingshappening to them that I think
if I just control and manipulateevery situation, that then it

(43:41):
will keep them, it will keep badthings from happening to them.
And that's something that I'mworking through and having to
remind myself like, you know,even if we go to this park,
right?
Or if we don't go to this park,things can still happen, even if
you have them here or have themthere, you know what I mean?
Like, and so it's something thatI'm still working through too,
because fear is one of thosethings.
That definitely plagues me alot.

(44:01):
As I said, I make up stories andthen I'm scared and my heart is
racing.
Um, I also have like thisstrange fear when I go on the
plane, and so I get afraid thatI'm gonna get sick on the plane,
and that's like the worst placeI feel like you could be sick.
And so my body at my digestivesystem actually is always trash

(44:22):
when I get ready to fly becauseI'm so fearful and anxious about
you know something happening,and mainly it's like being sick,
so I don't eat.
I I seriously like I don't eat,I stay away from you know, like
drink drinking, and it's justI'm I've gotten better.
My last couple of flights wereactually a lot better because

(44:43):
I'm working my way out of andletting myself know if something
were to happen, it's okay.
There are things that can befixed and that can be resolved.
What's funny is I'm not afraidof the plane coming down.
That's like that is a fear,right?
But I'm more afraid that I'mgonna get sick on that plane and
have to keep using the bathroomand I'll have to be getting up

(45:04):
and and there's not gonna be abathroom or whatever, right?
Like that is what I'm mostafraid of with getting on the
plane, which is kind of sillycoming out of my mouth, right?
And listening to it.
Um, anger.
Anger was one of those emotionsthat just kind of blew my mind.
So I want to talk about thisreally quickly.
Um, anger is this surge ofenergy and aggression that we

(45:26):
feel when our expectations arenot met.
There is something that's notgoing right, something that we
expect it to happen, and thoseexpectations are not being met.
Anger is another, it is anemotion, right, that can point
us in the in the right directionif we pay attention to the

(45:46):
signals and address it.
Again, if we have chronic angerand we never address the anger,
then it will lead to things likeas we've already talked about,
blood high blood pressure,muscle tension, um, heart
issues, heart disease, musclestrain.
I'm sure that we know people whoare angry all the time, and your

(46:07):
body, your body tenses up whenyou have too much anger within
it.
Now, they were talking about inlike beginning early times,
right?
That anger was one of thosethings that were to help us um
because you needed to fight, youneeded to physically fight to
protect your family, to protectyour belongings, right?
We don't have to get in thosephysical fights today.

(46:28):
Some, but but but you know, thensometimes things were only
resolved by physical fights,right?
We've seen wars, things likethat, right?
And that requires that goodamount and and requires us to be
angry, but our bodies again arenot meant to experience this
anger over time.
What I found so interestingabout anger was that we often

(46:52):
use other emotions, we often useanger, excuse me, to suppress or
mask other emotions becauseanger is a more loud and makes
you feel more powerful, makesyou feel strong, and it's a
little more accepted than otheremotions.
They want you to be angry at thejustice system, they want you to

(47:14):
be angry at the stores, theywant you to boycott these
companies.
Like, like anger is not really abad thing, even if it causes you
to do things that are bad orbreak the law.
We I we don't, I don't think Ineed to go into any examples.
We've seen them, especially inour modern times.
And so, but what happens is thatmost of us find it easier to be

(47:37):
angry than to be sad or afraid.
So we use anger to mask morevulnerable feelings.
And in the book, it was sayingthat this is more common among
men because it's not acceptable,it's not as acceptable for men
to be sad or anxious.
But if they were angry, we don'treally say anything.
And so we've taught them that,you know, sadness and and crying

(48:01):
and fear, like these emotionsare more vulnerable and less
accepted, and you can't do that,so then be angry.
And when they're angry, thenthey're most likely accepted.
And we see that a lot in boysand young men.
Now, the issue with anger isthat anger can lead us to
blaming other people.

(48:23):
And when we have this habit ofblaming other people, we miss
out on the opportunity toreflect on what's happening
within ourselves.
We miss out on the opportunityfor introspection, we miss out
on the opportunity forself-improvement or even for
productive conversations becausewe get into this place of always
blaming someone else when we'reangry.

(48:43):
It's never our fault.
When oftentimes we're just as atfault as that other person.
And so anger needs to beaddressed because, as many of us
know, anger gets dark, it canlead us to seek revenge.
It turns into that highercognitive, longer emotion of

(49:05):
envy.
Um, it can go into jealousy,right?
And envy is that deeper emotionthat when acted upon, there's
almost like no turning back.
And anger doesn't have to bethese big things.
I love these examples thatsometimes anger shows up by
using sarcasm sarcasm to hurtyour brother's feelings or

(49:27):
withholding affection from yourspouse to punish him for
something.
So it's not always you punchingsomeone in the face, it's not
always you, you know, crashingout as the kids are saying now.
It's not always these biggrandiose gestures.
It can be, you know, hearingyour coworker needing something
and you not give your coworkerthat thing, even though you know

(49:48):
you have it, you rather see themstruggle.
With anger, it's reallyimportant that we express it,
but that we do it in a waythat's productive and
problem-solving and not blamingor punishing.
And it's learning about calmingourselves even when we when we
want, even when our body wantsto react.
And this happened to me not toolong ago where I was going back

(50:11):
and forth with my brother.
I have three younger brothers,so they're all annoying, right?
Um, but I was going back andforth with my brother, and him
and I would argue, you know,real bad or whatever.
And I know I can feel in mybody, I felt in my body as we
were like going back and forthabout something that I felt was
like a real, like it wasdefinitely a real issue.
But as we were going back andforth about it, I could feel how

(50:32):
my body starts to feel when I'mabout to go in, like when I'm
about to tell you off.
And I had to tell, I had to calmmyself down and I had to just
stop talking and tell myself tolet it go because I could feel
myself going there and I did notwant to go there.
Number one, and number two, I itjust it honestly just wasn't
worth it.
So I know that I was angry and Ifeel like I had every right to

(50:55):
be angry.
I feel like my anger wasjustified, but I didn't need to
act upon that anger, and Ineeded to signal to my body that
hey, this is not the time northe place.
We gotta chill.
We gotta chill.
And from that, I was able tostep away, walk away, and I
listened to myself, and I walkedthrough why did that make you so

(51:21):
upset?
And I walked through it withmyself, and it made sense.
No, it is upsetting, right?
To hear someone say certainthings.
It is that that was upsetting,and I think you should be angry
because again, anger points uswhere the threat is, and anger
can lead us to healthy justice,right?
And to fairness and to thingsthat are really important.

(51:42):
And again, all of these emotionsneed to be used because they're
our signals, our guides, butthey have to be used in a
healthy amount.
Um, obviously, you have otheremotions like sadness, which you
know, when you're sad or whenyou're grieving, you experience
fatigue, your sleep isdisturbed, you have digestive

(52:03):
issues, you don't have anappetite, sometimes you just
can't eat.
Um, and then you have thingslike joy, which there's a
there's a there's differences onjoy being an emotion and
happiness being a mood, or joybeing the joy and happiness
being emotion, but happinessalso being a higher cognitive
emotion.
So there's differences, right?

(52:24):
But I like using the word joy.
We're being joyful, right?
Helps us to boost our moonsystem, increase endorphins, and
promote relaxation.
Um, obviously, feeling joy isbetter than our health than
constantly being in the otherones, but I still argue that you
need a healthy balance of all ofthese, of all of these basic
emotions, higher cognitiveemotions.

(52:44):
They not help that they help usto understand each other, they
help us with our relationshipsand they signal something that
needs to be fixed or done in alot of these, in a lot of our
relationships or in a lot ofareas of our lives.
Now, really fast, I want to talkabout the difference between
moods versus emotions.
So emotions are intense andthey're short-lived, uh, mainly

(53:07):
basic emotions, but what aboutmoods?
So moods are generallylong-lasting, less intense, and
they can color our perception ofthe world without any clear
cause.
So, for example, you might wakeup feeling very irritable, but
there's no specific event thattriggered that.
Um, moods are more about generalemotional states than um that
can persist throughout the day,the week, or even longer.

(53:30):
And so anxiety and depressionare an example of moods.
And so chronic anxiety ordepression often stems from
long-lasting moods that colorhow we view ourselves and the
world.
And these moods um they can leadto like mental fatigue, physical
illness, and poor decisionmaking.
Um, I think what what they'retrying to understand, right, is
that you know, anxiety anddepression, they're builds,

(53:53):
they're build up, they'rethey're built up from our basic
or higher cognitive emotions,and they're and these, in
particular, anxiety anddepression are built up from
things like sadness and fearbeing constantly suppressed,
being constantly pushed down.
So oftentimes our sadness, andthat's another thing that's a

(54:16):
big danger, is that when we arechronically sad, when we just
wake up sad and we're constantlysad, it then leads into the more
serious mood for you know thethis case of depression.
And then that depression islong-lasting and they're harder
to fight.
And then you may have startedoff being sad because your mom

(54:36):
died, but then you end updepressed and you don't
necessarily know why.
Everything kind of depresses youat that point because there's no
thing, there's no one thingthat's really tied to it.
There's no really one reason.
You need you can't even, that'swhy a lot of us when we're
depressed, like, I don't evenknow why I'm depressed, but it
starts with something back awhile.

(54:57):
And that's why I'm arguing foryou know, us understanding our
emotions and understanding howthey operate and understanding
how they show up in our bodiesbecause it's not a bad thing
either that they show up in ourbodies in that way.
Our bodies and our and our soulsthey work together to help us
pay attention to what ishappening around us in our

(55:20):
relationships, in our lives, inour environments, in our
neighborhoods, in our families,like in our homes, right?
Like, that's why we have oursenses.
That's everything is about uhsecurity and protection and
relationship for us.
It is how we are literallywired.
And if you, like me, have beentaught to push those emotions
down, or if you've been taughtthat certain things are bad,

(55:42):
like I never like to cry.
I always thought crying was abad thing.
Never let them see you down,never let them see you weak,
never let them see you.
And it's like, why?
Because then what happens is Igo my life, not just in that one
moment, saying, never let themsee me weep, but for the rest of
my life, I'm like, never letthem see me weak.
And when that happens, then evenwhen I'm at home, as I don't

(56:06):
deal with it, because it's stilla sign of weakness, even when
I'm at home.
So many times I I apologize tomyself for crying.
And in the past year or so, I'vebeen trying to break that habit
of saying, oh, sorry, oh, sorry.
Or and I've been trying not toum, I never liked saying that I
was an emotional person.

(56:27):
Why?
We're all emotional beings.
There's nothing wrong with that.
Yes, I'm emotional.
Now, the issue for me was that Iwas more emotional than I was
reasonable.
I let my emotions lead the show.
And as one of the the booksstated, fear is a good guide,
but it's a terrible master.
And I would argue that about allof our emotions, all of our

(56:49):
emotions, higher cognitive,basic ones, they are good
signals and good guides, butthey are terrible masters.
They should not rule over us ina way that they influence
everything that we do.
We should be angry andreasonable, fearful and
reasonable, sad and reasonable,joyful and reasonable, right?

(57:10):
We should love with reason.
Love and being in a relationshipor being with someone and taking
abuse at the same time is such acontradiction.
Now I know it gets complicatedor not, I'm not saying that it's
not complicated, but what I amsaying is that when we say, Oh,
I love this person, right?
But they're showing you rightthen and there that they cannot
commit to you or they're tellingyou that they won't be with you,

(57:32):
but you're just it's like youhave to have all of these
emotions with reason.
We cannot leave out reason, wecannot leave out good judgment
and logic and wisdom.
We can't.
We have to be able to use ouremotions wisely, we have to be
able to assess the situationproperly in order that we

(57:53):
respond healthily, in order thatwe take care of the inside of
us, and ultimately we take careof our bodies.
I know so many people who go tothe doctor who are constantly
sick and nothing's wrong withthem.
As I've said earlier, not Imean, I could give you a list.
I can't even tell you a storyabout one particular person

(58:15):
because there's so many people,and then what happens is that
with our bodies uh and with thatchronic emotion uh uh taking
over, leading to theseillnesses, digestive problems,
insomnia, all of these thingsturn into real bodily issues.

(58:38):
They turn into real, no, excuseme, health issues.
So then there are proceduresthat need to be done.
There is medicine that needs tobe taken.
There is, I mean, it leads to itleads to very real things, and
that's why I am advocating,that's why I am encouraging,
that's why I am pushing you toplease get in tune with your

(58:58):
emotions, stop suppressing them,stop trying to push them to the
side, stop trying to act likeyou are not feeling what you're
feeling, stop trying to cover itup with social media, stop
trying to cover it up with arelationship, stop trying to
cover it up with laughs andjokes.
Me and my family talking aboutme and my kids talk about this
all the time.
When something bad happens,we're just joking about it, and

(59:19):
it's really not healthy.
We should be able to say, youknow what, that is so
disappointing and that hurts me.
We should be able to say, I amsad.
But we, as a I would say, mainlyin the United States, like our
culture has just warped us withthis view, and a lot of our
families and churches and theway that we grew up, they have

(59:41):
warped us with this view that wecannot really show how we truly
feel.
We can't say how we truly feelbecause then you show your most
vulnerable self.
It's like it doesn't matter.
You are emotional, I amemotional.
We we we were it is that's why Iwanted to stress in the
beginning the by that it'sbiology.
We are made up, we are all everysingle human emotional, every

(01:00:07):
single one of us, not one of uscan escape it.
We can try to mask it, and indifferent cultures, they're
taught to mask certain emotionsover others.
We can try to hide them, we cando all we can, but it does not
mean that we do not experiencethem, it does not mean that we
do not have them, and it is soimportant that we stop wasting
all this money on these medicalbills with things that we can

(01:00:34):
actually sit and think about.
It is hard to dig deep and haveto go back and figure out why
you're sad or angry.
And it's not an easy thing,right?
But over time you get better,just like you grow in your
athletic skills, or just likeyou grow in your your mental

(01:00:57):
capacities, and and just likeyou you learn to read over time,
you start out not knowing how toread, only being able to you
know to sound out certain words,then you get to this, then
you're able to read chapterbooks, and that's the same way
it is with learning how tobalance our emotion and reason.
We practice it over time and weget better over time.
And if we look at it as abeautiful thing and not as a

(01:01:18):
stressor, then we learn toembrace those things about us.
We learn to lean into theemotion, not in a way where it's
excessive, but in a way where weallow it to show us what is what
is happening, what is it that Ineed to pay attention to?
What is it that I need to learnfrom this in this moment right
here and right now?
Now, as I mentioned, sometimeswherever that place is, just as

(01:01:41):
I said it in the you know, whatI was saying about what when I
was having the conversation withmy brother, in that moment, it
doesn't need I don't I didn'tneed to like sit there and pill
apart my anger.
I really had to put it to theside.
Now, putting it to the side inthat moment is different than
suppressing it to never comeback to it.
I put it aside so that I didn'treact in a way that I didn't

(01:02:03):
want to, so that I didn't have afull blown-out argument because
I know how we are and I know ourpast, so that I didn't get
overly emotional, wasn't able tocalm myself down because I know
how my body is, right?
I put it to the side not longafter that, and even the
following day, I made sure tothink about it.
Not only did I think about itand address it within myself, I
came to my reasons and then Italked with my husband about it.

(01:02:24):
And I said, This is what Ithink, this is what I says.
Like, am I wrong?
No.
Okay, or you know, whatever theconversation is, right?
Of like, yeah, you were wrong,no, you weren't wrong, whatever
it is, because you're not alwaysin the right.
I'm not always in the right,right?
And so we it's not just, youknow, something again that you
have to go at it alone.
In fact, the advice, so we'llget into like how to manage

(01:02:44):
these emotions and moods foryour better health.
One piece of advice is that youget into healthy relationships.
You you surround yourself withpeople that you can be your most
vulnerable self around.
We didn't talk a lot aboutsadness, but what I found so
interesting about sadness isthey said sometimes you get into
the presence of someone andthey're sad and you don't know

(01:03:05):
what to say.
So you say a cliche like, oh,it's gonna be okay, or
everything's gonna be all right,or um, you say things like
everything's gonna happen for areason, or at least they're in a
better place now.
And you try to pull people awayfrom their sadness, you try to
minimize their sadness becausebeing around someone who's sad

(01:03:26):
is it is uncomfortable.
Um, and so we taught that we'retaught that we need to be
someone's cheerleader.
We have to make them happy, wehave to cheer them up.
But what I loved that that thisbook, um, why emotions matter
specifically, they were theysaid is that, and I'm gonna read
it verbatim, but more often thannot, this isn't helpful because
it minimizes their experienceand reinforces the idea that

(01:03:48):
they should cover up their ownsadness instead of fully
processing it.
One of the best things we can dois offer our presence and bear
witness to their pain.
We don't have to encouragepeople to cover up their things.
We should be encouraging them tofeel it, to be in it, because
it's a real thing, showing themsomething, right?
And in those relationships, wewalk alongside them to help them

(01:04:10):
process, to help them, you know,get it out to be their shoulder
to cry on, literally.
Not to just come over and bringthem flowers and food and take
them out and say, come on, let'slet's let's do this.
Good funny, funny uh example isthat I had this job in 2015, and

(01:04:33):
I I thought it was my dream job.
I got hired, and then a coupleweeks later they fired me, and
my friend called, and I'm likeso sad.
And my friend calls me, and Idon't she I don't think she
meant any harm by this, butshe's like, We're going out, I'm
paying for you.
Let's go out, we're gonna goout.
And I went out and I danced mybutt off.
Like I had the time of my life,like y'all, I was out on that

(01:04:53):
dance for the whole night, okay?
But to this day, I have problemswith that company.
I quite um despise them becauseI never really got a chance to
really live into the sadness ofthe way I lost my job.
I never really sat down to thinkabout um how losing that job

(01:05:14):
affected what I thought wasgoing to be the trajectory of my
life.
I thought that that marketingjob was gonna open up doors for
me to then get into the field ofmarketing, which is what I got
my degree in.
And because I went out and Imasked it has again has nothing
to do with my friend.
She does, she I feel like shedid what she knew how.
She did what we were taught.
So I don't fault her at all.

(01:05:35):
But I never went back to reallysit in that and to say, you know
what?
You know, you're sad.
And this is why.
I was just like, you know what?
I gotta bounce back, I gottakeep going, I'm gonna have my
party, I'm gonna do my this, I'mgonna do my that, because we're
not taught to just sit, we'renot taught to just look within,
we're not taught to like reallylook at that emotion, not as a
negative thing, but as somethingto really signal to us and then

(01:05:57):
to process it, deal with it, anduse reason now to.
I was so pissed at them that Iwas gonna I wanted to call
somebody to like break a windowor do something to the place.
That's when I needed to usereason think, which I did
obviously, because I'm not injail.
I needed to use reason and I didto say, okay, if you do that,
you're you might you riskgetting that person in trouble,

(01:06:17):
you risk getting yourself introuble.
Do you really want to go to jailfor something so just everybody
loses a job?
Sure, they did you dirty, surethey did you dirty, sure they
did it the wrong way, but like,is this really what you want?
Is this really what you're goingfor?
And obviously it was not.
So, okay.
Couple of practical tips um thatagain are are common, right?

(01:06:38):
Mindfulness and breathingexercises.
Um, my grandpa said years agowhen we in a sermon that when
you get angry, you need to countto 10.
Or was it my grandpa?
I don't know.
Someone years ago told me thatwhen you get angry, count to 10.
Count to 10 first, and then tryto deal with it.

(01:06:58):
And I I would say that I'm a I'ma kid that definitely had anger
issues.
Um, I have dealt with thoseobviously, yes, I have
definitely dealt with those.
Um, but I I can I know myselfvery well.
I can get pretty hot headed.
And so I try to not let myselfget there because not only do I
get hot headed, I don't I don'tblack out, but I like blackout

(01:07:22):
in the sense that I just flash,right?
And I don't like the way that Ifeel, I don't like how long it
takes my body to calm down.
So I often keep myself fromsituations or I keep myself from
even like revving up to getthere.
Um, so I would use this methodof like counting to 10 in that
situation to calm down and thenthink about why am I angry, like
what's going on, right?

(01:07:42):
Um, and try to work from there.
There is this other technique,four, seven, eight technique,
where you inhale for fourseconds, hold for seven, and
then exhale for eight, and itimmediately calms the nervous
system.
I have not used that, but thatis something that was offered,
right?
Um, one of the things that Ithought was so interesting is
the common consensus is thatregular exercise, physically

(01:08:02):
moving your body releasesendorphins and it reduces the
cortisol, which we talked aboutearlier, and that will help to
boost your mood and reduce yourstress.
Even just walking for 10 minuteswill help you to process
difficult emotions.
So regular exercise was a bigone.
Um, obviously, healthy emotionalexpression, do not bottle up
your feelings.

(01:08:23):
Expressing your emotions throughtalking, journaling, or even
creative activities helps yourelease emotional tension.
And we've seen this in like theaxe throwing or the glass
breaking, right?
All of these things that aresupposed to help you take that,
you know, the edge off orwhatever's happening.
I also loved that there was thisadvice that you can grab your
voice notes and or or voicerecorder and record what it is.

(01:08:46):
If you have no one to talk to,record whatever is happening to
you just so you can get it outof you.
Um, I love me, I say this allthe time.
I love me some goodold-fashioned pen and paper.
Write it down because it reallydoes help to see it somewhere or
to say it somewhere to get itout of you, right?
And to just put it out there.
Um, and then self-compassion, bekind to yourself, acknowledge

(01:09:09):
that you're doing the best thatyou can because practicing
self-compassion can reducefeelings of guilt and shame, um,
which, like as we've alreadytalked about, can negatively
affect both your moods and umsorry, both your emotions and
your physical health.
I've already said that.
Be gracious with yourself.
This is a marathon, it's notsomething that you're gonna get

(01:09:31):
overnight.
When I came into thisrealization of a lot of this
stuff that I've been doing itwrong, it's easy to first fall
into like, dang, how did I know?
And start beating yourself up.
But instead, I embraced the factthat though I have done a lot of
this wrong, though I felt like Iwas kind of leading my boys
especially into that idea thatthey can't be sad and and they

(01:09:52):
can't cry.
Now I'm able to correct thosethings.
Now that I have the information,I'm able to do something about
it.
Now it'd be definitely I'd beremiss to just ignore it all and
try to keep doing the samething.
But now that I know better, Ican do better.
Now that I know better, I don'thave to go through my entire
past and rip apart every singletime I got it wrong, but I can

(01:10:13):
make better choices again, notjust for me, but for my
marriage, for my friendships andfor my children and our
relationship in their future.
Um, and then you know, sleep isvery critical.
You need to make sure thatyou're eating right, that you're
resting, that you're getting theagain, having the proper diet.
Certain things affect us,certain types of food affect us

(01:10:34):
more than others.
That is just a plain old fact.
And so you got to make sure thatyou're getting enough sleep,
whatever that looks like foryou, because I believe that we
all used to go off of thateight-hour rule, but then I
think there's been other studiesthat have come out to say, you
know, everybody's every all ofour bodies are different, though
we have the same kind offunctions and need the same
basic things.
But some of us may need moresleep than others, some of us

(01:10:55):
may need less sleep than others.
Um, and so eating right alsoaffects your emotions.
When you eat um constantly areeating heavy foods, it leaves
you feeling heavy, right?
And that can leave you intoleading into more of the heavier
types of emotions.
Whereas when you eat light, um,you're able to think a little
better, just be a little clear.

(01:11:16):
You're not as fatigued andsleepy, and you know when you're
sleepy, right?
Um, and just I mean, it's thesame thing with they say about
kids when kids come to schooland they're tired and they can't
sleep, they act out, they act acomplete nut, right?
Because their bodies need thatsleep.
So to wrap this up, emotions arenot our enemy.

(01:11:37):
They are our guides, they aresignals, they have literally
been ingrained in our biology tohelp us survive, to help us
grow, to help us protectourselves.
And when we suppress the verythings that were here to help

(01:11:58):
guide us, we lose sight of thepath.
We lose sight of who we are, welose sight of reality, even, and
it causes us to act in ways thatwe may later regret.
Emotions in and of themselvesare not perfect and they're not
easy to understand.

(01:12:19):
It's a journey.
We have to be gracious withourselves, but we have to make
sure that we have a good balanceof our emotion and our reason.
Not our reason for life, butreason in and of itself, logic,
thinking.
I think we talk about balanceoften, but we talk about balance

(01:12:40):
in a way of like work-lifebalance, or I need to make sure
that I'm not too busy over here,but that I give myself time for
self-care.
I don't hear in main culture theidea that we need to have good
balance within ourselves, thatwe need to have a good balance
between our emotions and ourreasons, so how we think, how we

(01:13:02):
process, how we judge and ouremotion, because too much of
one, right, can lead us againinto these onto these paths of
destruction.
But a well-balanced and avaluable and a virtuous life is
said to be in the balance ofthose two things.
It's also important that whatwe're talking about today,

(01:13:23):
right?
Of that if we lean too heavilyinto our fear, if we experience
anger all the time, unresolvedanger, um, this unresolved
shame, it can lead to thesephysical things.
Now, emotions in the moment havebodily signals.
So your heart rate mightincrease, your face might get
flushed, your anger, your fistsmight clinch because you're

(01:13:44):
angry.
But when those things again gounresolved, suppressed, and
undealt with, it can lead tochronic issues.
I made this episode for thepeople that I know, for the
people that I know who alsoknow, people who have dealt with
the over um usage of theiremotions, for the people who

(01:14:07):
have constantly relied and lettheir emotions lead them, and
having to find out now that youremotions have led you wrong.
They have led you into anunhealthy place physically
within your body because you'veput so much emphasis on the um
emotion, even when you've notreally, you know, took taken the

(01:14:29):
time to really unpack what it isthat is happening.
We've allowed our emotions totake front seat and we've taken
a back seat.
And so now when those thingsspring into action, we almost
don't even recognize thatthey're taking over.
We almost don't even recognizewhat is happening.
It's it's something that we'vebeen living with for so long.
But I'd also want to encourageto let you know that it's not

(01:14:51):
too late.
It's never too late.
If you're listening to this, youhave breath in your body, you're
still here, you're able to workon um not allowing those
emotions to control you anymore.
You're able to work on calmingyourself and being able to
self-soothe, something that ishard to do if you've if you've
suffered and lived withconstantly allowing anger, fear,

(01:15:15):
shame, sadness to just plagueyour body and your mind and your
soul.
That's why I titled this brokensouls lead to broken bodies,
because emotions are anotheraspect that is within us.
Though they have bodilyrepercussions, and though we can
see physical things happen fromthem, emotions are those
intangible parts of us that arewithin us, that are within our

(01:15:39):
souls.
And when our souls are broken,when we have this um unbalance
of the emotions within us, thenit does lead to these seemingly
broken bodies to where ourbodies are out of whack and out
of function and not working asthey should.
Now, again, as I mentioned, thatdoesn't always mean that um I if

(01:15:59):
you're diagnosed with something,it doesn't always mean that
that's because of the emotions.
You may have a true diagnosisdiagnosis, you may have
literally gotten something thathas no reasonable explanation.
But as I read earlier from thatdocument from the uh from the
article, more more times thannot, doctors are seeing people

(01:16:21):
that don't have any trueproblems with their physical
body, but it's really from theirsoul.
Recently I watched thisChristmas movie called Christmas
on Call on Hallmark, and therewas a woman that kept coming
into the clinic, and this isbefore I even worked on this
episode, it's really kind ofcrazy to think about now.
There was a woman that wascoming into the clinic and she
was being seen, or not theclinic, the hospital, excuse me,
to be seen by the doctor.

(01:16:42):
And she came and she was reallysad.
I don't really remember what shethought was wrong with her, but
the doctor was like, I don'tfind anything wrong with you.
And she went and the doctor wentto the head doctor of the
hospital, and she went and shesaid something to the effects of
um, how do you tell your patientthat the problem isn't physical,

(01:17:05):
but something else?
And he was like, Well, what doyou mean?
And he said, I don't think thatmy patient has anything wrong
with her.
I think she's just sad.
And that is probably theexperience more often than not
with a lot of doctors, which iswhy I think when you go in, now
you see they kind of ask youdifferent types of questions,
maybe more personal questions,less about what's happening

(01:17:27):
physically, but maybe more aboutwhat's happening emotionally or
socially, right?
In your life, because they'reseeing this and they have been
seeing these patterns of peoplewho come in, and there's nothing
that they can find.
You can run every CAT scan, youcan do brain scans, you can do
all the things, and yet you findnothing because truly the
problem is within themselves.

(01:17:50):
And that's exactly what thisdoctor was trying to point to.
And I think she ended uppointing her to like a therapy
session or uh like a group, sometype of group or whatever for
grief and and sad, sad peopleadopting a dog, something it
was.
And when the lady went to that,she came back and her mood was
completely different.
Her uh, her depression and thatgrief that she was just living

(01:18:11):
in were just completelydifferent because she finally
obviously it's a movie, so youknow, and it's a Hallmark movie
like that, but she got help inthat area to really realize that
I am feeling the chest pains, Iam hurting.
It I do feel something, but thecauses coming from something

(01:18:31):
within, which comes fromsomething that may have
happened, a life event, anexperience, something that I've
been pushing off and not dealingwith that I must now face.
And as I always say, this ishard, it's not easy, but it is
so worth it.
It's so worth it to see you as ahealthy and whole person who is

(01:18:53):
living into a good balance oflife instead of constantly being
stressed, or instead ofconstantly living in fear and
trying to control every littlething, or being angry and
blaming everybody, or beingangry and just flying off into
these rages.
It allows us to and it kind offorces forces us to take the

(01:19:16):
blame off of others and lookwithin ourselves.
So I want to remind you thatemotions again are not good or
bad, but the way that we dealwith these emotions can either
be healthy and constructive ordestructive.
I want to read this final quote.
Okay it says, The more one canlaugh when happy, cry when sad,

(01:19:38):
use anger to set firm limits,make love passionately, and give
and receive tenderness fully andopenly, the further one is from
suffering.
All he's saying there is thatyou have to know how to use your
emotions properly, as they wereintended, as they were created,

(01:20:01):
as they have been put inside ofyou.
They are here to show yousomething.
And even when they there's aresponse in your body, they are
here to show and signal yousomething, but they are not
meant to be your master, theyare not meant to control you,
they are not meant to run yourlife.
You get to make a decision inthat.

(01:20:22):
You get to use these guides andthese signals to make healthy,
proper, and correct choices.
You get to use these guidesalong with reason to fix your
relationships or to setboundaries or to get that raise
or to raise your children or tocommunicate better with your
spouse or to deal with trauma orto deal with past pains, to deal

(01:20:47):
with needing to grieve arelationship, or to have to face
that you've been under spiritualabuse.
You get to use these things andbalance to deal with life, its
events, and all of hisexperiences.
And that, my friends, is such abeautiful and wonderful thing.
You're not powerless, you're notat the whim of your emotions.

(01:21:11):
You get to choose.
I hope that you all enjoyed thisepisode.
I know it's a probably a littlemore um, you know, stuff, right?
But there's so much research andinformation out there that I
wouldn't even do good trying tocome and act like I came up with
all this stuff.
No, I needed to really rely onmy resources and um use all the

(01:21:34):
things that I read to kind ofpaint a good picture for you.
It's definitely a topic that wemay come back to because, again,
there's so much richness outthere.
I would love to hear from you.
I would love for you to reflecton maybe one of the emotions
that you've heard, whether abasic emotion or a higher
cognitive, but I would encourageyou to look at something more

(01:21:55):
basic and look at sadness oranger.
When is the last time you feltone of those and why do you
think that was?
What was it?
And feel free to share it withme.
You can follow me on Instagramat renovating the soul.
You can email me, renovating thesoul at gmail.com, or you can
comment right on Spotify orwherever you decide to listen to

(01:22:16):
your podcast and let me knowwhat you think.
Let me know what that reflectionwas like for you.
Let me know what you think aboutthis episode or what you would
like me to talk about next oryou know later in the season.
But thank you all so much fortuning in.
I hope that you all feelempowered to continue doing the
work of looking within.
Until next time, let's keepdoing the work to renovate our

(01:22:38):
soul.

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Broken Souls, Broken Bodies: When Emotional Pain Becomes Physical | Ep. 13

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Broken Souls, Broken Bodies: When Emotional Pain Becomes Physical | Ep. 13