Why Your Family and Friends Don't Support You Like Strangers Do | Ep. 27 - Renovating the Soul

Episode Transcript
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Alexandria (00:00):
You put something out into the world, a business,
a creative project, a podcast, agoal you've been working toward,
and strangers find it, engagewith it, tell you it changed
something for them.
And then you look at the peoplewho've known you your whole life
and nothing.
A like here and there, if you'relucky.
Uh oh yeah, I keep meaning tolisten.

(00:21):
And it stings in a way that thestranger's support doesn't fully
fix.
Because it's not really aboutthe numbers or the likes and the
shares, it's about feeling seenby the people you love.
This episode is not going totell you your feelings are
wrong.
This episode is going to inviteyou to ask more questions before
drawing a conclusion based onsomebody's silence.

(00:45):
Welcome to Renovating the Soul.
I'm your host, AlexandriaRobinson, and this is a podcast
about the real unglamorous workof becoming the work that
actually requires something fromyou.
Hard questions, honest answers,and the willingness to look at
the foundation you were handedand decide what you want to
build on it.

(01:05):
That's what we do here.
So wherever you're coming fromtoday, I'm glad you're in it
with me.
Let's get into today'sconversation.
Welcome back to Renovating aSoul.
I'm your host, AlexandriaRobinson, and I'm so happy
you've joined me today.
Every week we take one idea, onequestion, or one belief and

(01:28):
examine it a little moreclosely.
I believe that asking betterquestions often leads to better
lives, and that's my goal fortoday's episode.
This episode is going to be moreexploratory than it is
definitive and all-knowing.
Um, and so I hope that you alluh just hold on with me.
I know this one may be a toughone to talk about, and even some

(01:50):
of the things that I'm gonnashare may be tough to hear, but
I think it'll be worth thewhile.
So, as we always do, let'sdefine a few key terms we'll be
using throughout today'sconversation.
The first word I want to defineis support because that's
exactly what we're gonna betalking about.
Support is to bear the weightof, to hold up, or to give

(02:10):
assistance or engagement to.
And we really want to zoom in onthis idea.
Like, listen to that bearingweight, right?
Holding up, assistance that isactive and present.
Unfortunately, we've turned thistrue definition of support into
a like, a share, a comment, afollow, into metrics.

(02:31):
Real support is relational, it'sknowing someone well enough to
show it for them in a way that'spersonal.
It's understanding who they areand what they're building and
why it matters to them, and thenshowing up accordingly.
It's advocating on one's behalf,it's being a shoulder to cry on,
it's helping someone throughaddiction or mental health
issues.
It's more meaningful than howwe've been using it on social

(02:54):
media.
A stranger sharing your work isengagement, a friend sitting
with you during a hard season issupport.
We have confused uh engagementwith support, and when we do
that, we start expecting ourfamily and friends to be our
fans, and that's a role most ofthem were never auditioning for.
Now you will hear me throughoutthe episode use the word

(03:16):
support, and I do mean it inmore the social media likes,
shares kind of way, but we doneed to be clear on what the
actual definition of support is,what that really looks like, and
it is more than a like, a share,but again, you're gonna hear me
use it, and I'll and I'll try tobe clear about when I'm using
that support in that more looseway, versus the real way of

(03:36):
someone being there in yourlife, you know, being active and
being present.
There are some other terms thatwe throw around a lot on social
media, and or just you know, notin social media, we just throw
these words around a lot.
We throw around hater, we throwaround lurker, we throw around
monitoring spirit.
And these in terms are veryimportant because again, they're

(03:56):
used a lot to describe peoplewho do not again support us in
the way that we're talking aboutin engagement, right?
I always want to make sure thatwe're on this on the same page
with these common terms becausethey're used so often that we
can get lost from what the realdefinitions are, even how it
started.
So let's start with lurker.
Lurker originally meant one thatlies hidden in or as if in

(04:22):
ambush.
It's also described as someonewaiting in secret.
With the internet, that turnedinto something a lot less
ominous.
A lurker became somebody whoreads messages on an internet
discussion forum or social mediaplatform but does not
contribute.
But lurker really goes back tolike Reddit forums, uh, things
like that, right?
Discussion forums where somebodyis watching, but they just don't

(04:45):
contribute.
And for most of its life, thethis this idea, this internet
idea of lurker, it wasn'tsinister, it was just passive.
You know, some people think thatlurking is good and beneficial
because at least you have eyeson it.
Other people feel like lurkingis negative and not harmful.
You shouldn't just be here tolurk, you should participate.
It's only more recently thatlurking has been reframed as

(05:08):
something creepier, closer towhat people now call like
creeping, like someone's outthere watching your every move
instead of just being a passiveobserver.
It's kind of interesting becausethe the way that we use lurker
like on TikTok and Instagramfits almost the original
definition a little more becausewhen you're lying in wait or

(05:28):
you're waiting in secret oryou're waiting to ambush
someone, that has a negativeconnotation and that someone's
spying on you, looking at you,or waiting to attack you.
And that's the way that we alsohave been using it on, like
again, TikTok, Instagram.
Those are the ones where I seethat that word a lot on those
two platforms.
I'm sure it's on others, butwhen it comes to that that
passive idea of lurking, that'smore common for Reddit or

(05:50):
Facebook groups, again, whereyou join a group but you never
participate, you know.
And again, some people feellike, so what?
Who cares?
And other people feel like, no,you should be an active
participant in what I'm doing.
I don't have a stance on eitherone.
I just like to give those kindof nuances about the words from
my research.
So the next word that we'regonna talk about is monitoring
spirit.
It wasn't until maybe this yearor last year, like late last

(06:12):
year, that I even found outabout this idea or this word.
And I did not know that it hadany ties to Christianity because
that's not how I've seen itused, but some charismatic
teaching holds that it's a demonassigned to you, that a
monitoring spirit is a demonassigned to you to watch you, to
track you, to sabotage you,sometimes said to work through

(06:33):
people close to you who show anunusual interest in your life.
Other people, when I again, whenI was doing some research on
this, in these Christian, youknow, charismatic teaching
circles, they feel like it's ademon that's there to keep you
from like reaching your nextlevel.
Again, other people say itmanifests itself in a person
that's around you who is, youknow, in your life, you know,

(06:57):
really close to you, kind ofkind of watching everything you
do.
But yeah, so that's that's wherethat one's at.
But this is not universallyaccepted inside Christian
circles.
As I mentioned, I've I'm been aChristian all my life, and I've
never heard this term used fordemons or anything otherwise.
Some think that is closer tofolk superstition than
scripture.
I'm a little more in that campbecause I've seen this word

(07:20):
thrown around a lot, but I'veseen non-Christians using
monitoring spirit more than I'veseen like Christians using it.
Um, I've seen monitoring spiritused to describe someone like
who's copying you or tries toget close to you and acts like
they're your friend, but they'resecretly plotting against you,
um, you know, planting littleseeds here and there for you to
doubt yourself or become adistraction.

(07:42):
And in fact, like my firstencounter with the term was in a
comment section on a post, andthe the lady was describing like
a friendship that fell through,or a person in her life that
they were seeing inretrospection, they're seeing
the signs of how this person,you know, could have been a
distraction and sabotagingthings in their life.

(08:04):
And honestly, it wasn't evenlike little signs like we talked
about in the last episode.
Really, it's the evidence.
Like, really, this person wasdoing things that they were
later finding out about.
It's only that she started toeither learn or know about some
of the things that were that washappening.
And when I seen somebodycomment, now she didn't say
monitoring spirit, somebody inthe comment was like, Oh, yeah,

(08:24):
that's a monitoring spirit.
And I was like, What is amonitoring spirit?
So when I went to look it up, II didn't do too much.
I think I might have asked ChatGBT, and ChatGBT kind of gave me
a little bit softer version thanwhen I Googled it to research it
this time.
But it gave me like an idea,then I was like, oh,
interesting.
And when I seen that, itactually described someone in my

(08:45):
life that at the time I had thesame kind of place that I was at
where this lady was.
I was trying to piece togethersome things like how did I miss
this?
Um, this person, I was friendswith this person for a long
time.
Then they just one day up andunfollowed me across all social
media platforms, and I'm like,whoa, this is crazy.
Like, what did I do?
What happened?
And then I started to find outsome stuff that was done like

(09:07):
way back when, like 10 yearsago.
And I started first I startedwondering, well, is she a
distract?
Was she just a distraction in mylife?
Like what happened?
But then when I learned aboutthis term monitoring monitoring
spirit, I was like, Oh my gosh,this sounds like her, right?
Now, again, I don't know all theties.
I didn't know it was tied toChristianity.
I just had kind of a basicunderstanding.
But do I think that she was sentby Satan to disrupt my life or

(09:31):
my next level?
No, I don't.
Like, was this person trying tobe me doing nasty things behind
my back that I only found outlater and spewing hate that I
couldn't see at the time?
Like, yes.
But did it hinder me fromsomething major in my life?
No, it didn't.
I just think that this idea ofmonitoring spirit might have

(09:52):
been made up to explainadversity in one's life.
And I think that if we're notcareful, it leads us to believe
that everyone and everything isout to get us or to keep us from
like our breakthrough.
This term could be used toexplain adversity in one's life.
Is that when you're usingmonitoring spirit, not in the
idea that it's a person, but inthe idea that it's a demon
assigned to you to literallystop you from getting to your

(10:14):
next level?
Because an article that I readsaid that this demon that's
assigned to you is payingattention to your habits, it's
paying attention to yourthoughts.
It plants see it plants thoughtsinto your mind, and then it
takes it back to Satan, andthey're working because they've
already looked ahead into yournext level and they know where
you're going to be.
So many problems with this thatwe can't unpack, but we have to

(10:37):
kind of let this turn breathe alittle bit because there's so
much to it.
But I I did chuggle at readingthat article because I thought,
man, that's the kind of mindsetthat used to keep me bound to
thinking that every little thingin my life was a sign that,
like, um, you know, all theenemy is working in my life, and

(10:57):
he just doesn't want to see megreat, and he just and it takes
the responsibility away from me,and then it makes it be a God
thing or a Satan thing or youknow, somebody else's thing,
instead of me saying, Oh, I madea poor decision by spending that
money that I wasn't supposed tospend, right?
Or I just didn't get the jobbecause I wasn't qualified, or

(11:18):
they chose someone else.
Doesn't even have to be thatthere was anything wrong with
me, right?
And so that's what I think whenyou look at that again.
There's so many differentversions of how people use
monitoring spirit, but whenyou're looking at it in this way
where like there's a literaldemon assigned to you to stop
you from your next level, italso on the flip side makes
every human or every person whosubscribes to this think that
they have such a special nextlevel because what you then that

(11:41):
becomes I'm so special, I'm sogreat that this demon and Satan
they want to keep me from mynext thing, and that's just not
the case for everyone, right?
Listen to the other episodes andyou'll know what the answer I
think is, but I don't think it'sthis, right?
I I don't think that is keepingyou from your breakthrough or
your next level.

(12:02):
I think that life does happen,and I think that life happens to
all of us.
And so I would say that thewarning here is to be careful
before you put that label onsomebody who's just not engaging
with you.
Because if you if your familyand friends are not supporting
you, which I have seen this termused for that as well, that when
somebody's not supporting me ornot commenting or not sharing,

(12:24):
they have a monitoring spirit.
You're literally calling thisperson a demon.
It has a very spiritualconnotation.
This is not a earthly realmthing when people are saying
monitoring spirit, they aresaying that you that this is a
spiritual thing, that you are ademon because you didn't share
my post or like my post orcomment on my post.
Be careful because that's it'sit's extreme.

(12:47):
All right, next word we're gonnadefine is hater.
Y'all know this one all toowell, like hater, player, hater,
you know, uh how whichever oneyou want to use.
We we say this often for peoplewho do not support us, and this
obviously derives from the wordhate.
This the word hate, um, it goesall the way back to the old
English word Haitian, spelledH-A-T-I-A-N, not the country,

(13:11):
and it means to treat someone asan enemy or to regard one with
ill will.
When I investigated thisfurther, I found something very
interesting.
The root of the word hate andthe root of the Greek word for
care, grief, and concern for thedead are the same.
So the root of the word hate andthe root of the Greek word for

(13:34):
care are the same.
And I'll link the etymology andthe description, but on there,
um, on the website that I havefound when I was doing this
research, it says to hatesomeone and to care about
someone both require the samething.
You cannot do either one withoutsustained attention.
Indifference is the trueopposite of both.

(13:56):
Hate is just care with its signflips.
And I thought that was sointeresting.
Like we have to let that sithere for a second.
Because if hater at its rootmeans treating somebody as an
enemy, actively pursuing themwith ill intent, that's a high
bar.
Like that's a really high bar.
A real hater isn't somebody whodoesn't clap for you online, a

(14:19):
real hater is somebody operatingwith actual adversarial intent.
In fact, the common threadbetween all four words support,
lurker, monitoring spirit, andhater is attention.
Someone must be paying attentionto you for any of them to apply.
Now, I don't think that theoriginal, um, like the initial

(14:40):
online version of lurker beingon the forums carried the same
intent.
That was more passive.
It didn't really require any illwill at all.
But now, like we were talkingabout that original version and
that TikTok and Instagramversion, that connects more with
that ill intent, that ambushidea, right?
And so the same way that someonecan care about you or support

(15:02):
you, by again how we're definingthis, is how they can lurk your
page.
Be a hater, not like your post,but watch it or monitor your
every move.
It has to be done with sustainedattention.
And if words matter, thendefinitions matter because
somebody not liking your postand somebody actively working
against you are notautomatically the same thing.

(15:25):
But that's what we end up sayingwhen we start calling family and
friends a lurker or a monitoringspirit or a hater, and that's
the we're gonna stay with thathater word most um most often
through this episode becausethat's the most common one that
I see.
Um, when you're saying thosethings, you're you're also
saying that they're paying suchclose attention to what you're
doing that they can even bethose, right?

(15:46):
And and I and I again I cautionus on that too because everybody
in your life being a hater,having haters, you know, having
monitoring spirits bigs yourhead up, makes your head big,
and makes you think that, like,wow, they're watching me,
they're paying attention to myevery move, and it may not be
that.
Because here's what I startednoticing about myself.
I realized that I just wasn'tasking enough questions.

(16:09):
I was quick, just like many ofus in our culture.
We've been using player haterssince I was little, since like
the 90s, okay?
I coined people as haters soquick.
The first thing that came to mymind, that's a hater.
But then um, I started wonderinglike, why is my first
explanation always the mostpainful one?
What is it doing for me when I'mimmediately like, oh, they're a

(16:32):
hater?
Why do I immediately assume thatsomeone is against me instead of
asking what else could be true?
This curiosity sparked back inDecember 2018, and on my
personal Instagram page atLovesandria, I have the receipts
on there in the highlight calledthoughts.
And I posted a series of slides,but the first one said, I feel

(16:53):
like we put so much emphasis onhaters when in reality people
may not be as worried about usas we think they are.
That was back in 2018.
I started teasing these thoughtsout, and then I went on to say
that how like we give people toomuch credit and too much power
over us, how it's easier toblame others than have to face
our own truths.
Like, you know, things maybeyour content's not good enough,

(17:14):
or maybe I'm just I'm I'm livingtwo different lives and that can
come off, or whatever it is.
Like, you know, instead offacing whatever the truth is
about us, it's easier to blameother people and call them
haters.
And I say on there, and I stillthink that yes, we may have real
haters, but do they deserve ourattention?
Probably not.
Like, do I need to focus on themnot supporting me?
Probably not.

(17:35):
But what's interesting is that Iposted that in December 2018,
and then one month later inJanuary 2019, I did another
series of slides, and it startedout with the truth hurts, and
the truth is people really doplot against you.
At that time, I was puttingstuff out.
I was putting, I was puttingcontent out, so to speak, before

(17:55):
this whole like influencercontent creation thing.
But I've been doing YouTube fora little bit, never stay
consistent with it.
But I all I had a blog, I triedto do the blogging.
There were just things that Iwas putting out there and then
and I wasn't getting thatsupport reciprocated back to me.
And so I was working through,that's why that little
highlight's called thoughts.
I was literally working throughmy thoughts in the moment.
And so you see me in December2018 with the curiosity go, what

(18:18):
if everyone's not a hater?
And I and I remember that Igenuinely was like, I want to
stop calling everybody a haterbecause people probably aren't
that focused about me like Ithink they are.
And when I'm doing this, I'mmaking it about me so much that
I'm missing the plot, like I'mmissing the point.
And then here we go in January2019.
I'm like, yeah, the truth isthey be plotting against you,

(18:39):
which is true.
But I'm just like, you see thestruggle of, you know, trying to
understand this idea of like whypeople aren't supporting me.
Why am I not getting the lovefrom like family and friends
that I'm expecting to get,right?
And so I went on to say howlike, you know, people don't
support you, they talk aboutyou, they smile on your face,
and that, you know, uh, youknow, they're they're pretending

(19:01):
all these things.
What was interesting to see whenI was looking at this recently
is that my why, like why peopledid this was the very thing that
I'm attacking today.
That people are so broken,insecure, and lost that they
have nothing better to do thanto hate on me or who you are or
what you're doing with yourlife, and how they're not mad at

(19:24):
you.
They weren't mad at me.
My haters aren't mad at me, butthey're really upset with
themselves.
And it went on, right?
But the point is when I startedasking more questions, the
answer or the why people weredoing that wasn't as
straightforward as everyone isso broken that they have no
choice but to hate me.
And when I was doing theresearch on this exact topic,

(19:45):
why don't my family and friendssupport me like strangers do?
My answer, that why that I hadwas the same as many other
people.
I was literally scrollingthrough TikTok and honestly,
even on Instagram, I had threeof these type of videos show up
in one day when I wasn't evenlooking for I wasn't looking for
these videos um throughout.
There was just one day when Ikind of went through to see what

(20:07):
do people say specifically, andI Googled it and that's the
those that those are the videosthat came up.
But on a regular day onInstagram before doing this
episode, three types of videoswhere it was like my family and
friends don't support me, or youor like there's a new trend.
If you get on edits, there's atemplate where you can show
something that you're doing, andthen you show a clip that says

(20:30):
uh strangers and it's a bunch ofhearts like on your story, and
then you show another clip andit says family and friends, and
there's no hearts, but they'rewatching it.
So three of those, like thoughthat though those videos just
were circulating.
I see one or two like every timethat I'm on social media, which
is like every day.
And when I was lookingspecifically, you know, this

(20:52):
idea when I literally Googledthis question, the videos that
popped up, so many of them,they're explaining, they're
like, Yeah, those people aren'tsupporting you, Failing Prince
Party, because they're insecureand they're a hater, and they're
just so broken that they're onlyresponding from a place of hurt
and pain.
And I'm like, it that's almost arude way of seeing people to

(21:14):
think that everyone around youis so broken and so hurt that
they can't reshare or like orcomment on your stuff instead of
acknowledging that there are somany complexities to what it
means of what it means to be ahuman.
Like that answer of saying thateveryone is so broken and so
miserable, it's almost too sureor too certain for me.

(21:37):
And it would make me, and whenpeople say that, and even when I
said it, it makes me wonder whydo you care about somebody
that's so broken anyway?
If they're so broken and so downand acting from all these
insecurities, number one, why doyou care?
Number two, why do why do youwhy are you still around them?
Why are you still friends withthem or still trying to be
around that family member?
There's so many more questions,right?
Like when you do that to people,I think you just boy.

(22:00):
them down into this one lane,one road thing, and it's just
not that sure.
And I think at the time for mepersonally, like when I was
telling y'all, when I was havingthese thoughts in 2018, 2019,
and when I'm putting out thisstuff and I'm doing my blog
posts and all of this, I thinkat the time I was putting too
much of my success or even thelack thereof, why things weren't
taking off in the hands of myfamily and friends.

(22:21):
I was thinking that if they'donly support me, I'd be further
along.
So it really wasn't theirinsecurities driving that
mentality, but my own.
It it was because I had anexpectation of them that I never
really said and then I wasalready nervous about the things
that I'm putting out.
I want it to be good.
Is it good?
Is it great?
And then when that wasn'treciprocated by the people who

(22:42):
knew me, it was like oh my gosh,I'm not supposed to do it.
But that those were those weremy own insecurities.
See how that works?
It wasn't theirs.
It was mine.
And I'm wondering that if theway that I was quietly shaping
how I read other people'ssilence could be the same for
you too.
So let's get back to the actualquestion.

(23:02):
Why don't my friends and familysupport me like strangers do?
Because I don't think it has oneanswer or that it should or that
it can.
I think there are several rightand so I want to walk through
just a few of them that Ipersonally thought of.
Like when I asked this questionno research I just sat down and
was like what would be somereasons and there's a few points
that I want to make so um thefirst one is that your family

(23:25):
and friends still see the oldversion of you.
Perception freezes at the pointof first impression and then it
updates slowly if at all.
But if it does it's only throughsustained witnessed change over
time.
Right?
The people closest to youusually know one version of you.
And then one day you start abusiness or a podcast or writing

(23:47):
or speaking or posting contentand you expect everyone to
immediately immediately see youthrough that new lens.
But they can't always fully seewho you're becoming just because
you've changed they have towitness it repeatedly and some
maybe even most never will toyour family you may still be and
this is this is how my familyseems but to your family you may

(24:09):
still be the little girl runningaround church with no shoes on.
That was me the the quietcheerleader that was me in high
school the one who always youknow was fun and chill and
present but not always deep likehowever you know you may be seen
like the kid in band class thekid in drama class the the shy
kid or the overly happy kid orwhatever it is like I'm just
saying that that version of youmay be the only version that

(24:32):
they see especially if there'snot if they're not around or in
your life to be able to witnessyou evolve grow and change and I
had to learn that that's nothate that's just history.
You built your reputation withthem over years some you know
some of these people even youknow obviously we're not talking
about you know friends you justmet yesterday or just met a

(24:52):
month ago but like you know yourbest friends right your closest
family members or just anyfamily members that I've known
you right they you have builtyour relationship with them over
years and they're still reactingto the version of you that they
know right when the funny cousinin our group Marcus when he
started a podcast I don't thinkany of us expected it to be
serious because he's alwaysfunny with us he's always witty

(25:13):
he's always quick with the jokeslike you do not want to be
caught in the Marcus crossfireyou don't right because you're
just laughing you you don't evenknow what to say back he's just
that quick with it.
But when he came out with thewith the podcast we were like
wait like what what what's goingon like where did this come
from?
And I mean when you when youlook at it like there are hints
like we can have conversationsand stuff but I think the shock

(25:35):
came from just not being used toseeing him in that way because
we're again all used to aversion of him in our group
chats.
We're used to a version of himwhen we're you know hanging out
in person he's the guy buyingeverybody the shots and you know
being silly and making the jokesand and when we're doing our
little cousin calls like he'sthe one again witty with the
jokes like but still he'll dropthe wisdom in between but we you

(25:56):
know again I don't know what wewere expecting but when we seen
that he was just like droppingthe nuggets dropping the nuggets
right like it was like oh okayand it can feel like you know we
weren't paying attention or youknow we we didn't know but
sometimes it's just that we'reonly able to pay the exactly the

(26:18):
kind of attention that proximityallows right which is shaped
entirely by everything thatwe've known about him and that
our family knows about us.
I want to put that back to us isthat sometimes our relationships
can only be influenced or peoplecan only see the version of you
that they've been able to seebecause of proximity.

(26:39):
That your growth they alwayshaven't been a part of that you
know young adult you and adultyou they may not know right
unfortunately you can't updatesomeone else's image of you just
by changing.
I wish that was the case.
But they have to witness thechange for themselves and some
of them are still watching youbecome someone they haven't

(26:59):
caught up to yet point numbertwo is that and this is probably
one of my favorite ones out ofthe bunch is that you're not
their expert and they're notyour audience.
This one I when I say favorite Imean favorite because it was the
most like gut punch where I wassitting there and I was like you
know what like maybe they neverasked for the content that I was

(27:19):
producing anyway and honestlywhen I built my target audience
because I was a marketing majorso I always make sure I have a
little marketing plan and buildmy target audience I never built
it around them either.
So I realized that strangersthey came looking for this but
my family and friends didn't wego to experts we don't know
personally for knowledge andinsight and then we go to the

(27:42):
people that we love forsomething different for presence
for history and for therelationship itself.
When you put out work thatpositions you as someone with
something to teach and I wouldsay this is more so for those of
us like you know if you'rehaving if you're doing a podcast
or you know you're writing abook or just doing you can even
be just be doing contentcreation or speaking on panels

(28:02):
like whatever that looks likefor you.
But when you position yourselfas an expert or someone with
something to give whatever thatmay look like it could be baking
it could be art it could bepottery I just want to expand
like it doesn't have to just besocial media but again when you
position yourself in that waypeople who know you most
intimately they sometimes havethe hardest time receiving it.

(28:22):
And it's not because they don'tbelieve in you but because
that's just not the dynamic youbuild together like we were just
saying you know with theproximity but this one's a
little different because we'retalking about again you having
uh you kind of being in this inthis expert lane but necessarily
not their expert and them notbeing your audience right um and
again this applies if you bakeif you make art if you run a

(28:46):
pottery studio or you practicestand-up I want y'all to hear me
and know I am not saying this toexcuse anybody from showing up
for you in real ways.
I'm not saying that it's rightor that it should feel good.
I'm just offering potentialexplanations before we conclude
that someone's a hater.
So maybe it isn't betrayal.
Maybe it's just targeting rightmaybe they were never my

(29:08):
audience to begin with notbecause they don't love me but
because they were never lookingfor what I'm putting out there.
And again when we ask ourselvesare they my target audience
probably not right and the firsttwo points they may sound
similar but they're touching ondifferent things.
The first point is about timeand history they haven't
witnessed the change yet.

(29:29):
Point two is about role andfunction.
Part two being the that they'renot you're not their expert and
they're not your audience that'sabout role and function that
even if they fully witnessed andaccepted who you become they
still might not be the onesseeking what you're offering
because they came to you forsomething else entirely.
So these people could be a partof your growth journey they

(29:50):
could be a part of your lifethey can see you go to school
they can see all the things theycould be your your road dog and
they still may not want yourcake or they still may not want
chart like they still may notwant what you're what you're
offering.
So that's the difference betweenthose first two points and this
last one is like point three butit's I it's point three but I
don't I also don't want to boilit down.
This one's a big one andprobably the one that I want

(30:12):
people to sit with the mostbecause like we talked about in
the slow death of authenticityit's easy to get online and be
someone else entirely right andso we need to ask what
expectations we've put on othersabout how they should show up
for versions of us that theydon't recognize or haven't met
yet or the person like whatexpectations have I put on y'all

(30:32):
when I'm not your expert andyou're not my audience.
Because now we're asking who areyou online versus how do you
show up in real life?
We can be far more polishedonline more put together curated
and definitely edited y'all onlysee what we show y'all you know
with the podcast.
We don't show you all thehiccups and bumps and all the
things going on.
So you can show up and be farmore put together online.

(30:56):
My podcast listeners y'all knowone version of me my husband
knows another my kids knowanother and none of these
versions are fake right we'renot we're not just you know
again we're complex humans we'renot just like one up and down
way we have a lot of differentways that we can be and honoring
the podcast version and being aversion that my husband knows
that's not fake.
That's who I am.
All of this is who I am rightbut we have to be honest about

(31:19):
the lack of support from familyand friends potentially coming
because the online us and thereal us don't match.
Sometimes we're thoughtfulonline and impatient at home.
Sometimes we're uplifting andencouraging online but gossiping
and messy in real life sometimeswe're present online commenting
and doing all the things butunavailable to the people who

(31:40):
know us and I know people likethat.
They're not always building andmaintaining a relationship with
people in real life the samepeople that they have these
expectations of support onlinefrom that doesn't match up.
How are you wanting me tosupport you online but when I
want to go have coffee with youor I want to hang out with you
you're not available and that'sthat's real.
And there could be so many otherreasons right but here's here's

(32:00):
a a true story that I want toshare with y'all.
So there's an influencer whocreates women's empowerment
content right she's down for thegirls she's always talking about
loving yourself dating yourselfyou know just exactly what
women's empowerment content islike I loved her content thought
it was very important for womento know I would share comment
like it I would have attended anevent if it wasn't just for the

(32:22):
single ladies but you know I canbe can be waltzing up in there
right perpetrating um but I Ireally enjoyed her content right
I thought that she was reallyliving out what she was saying
and again I felt like thecontent was actually good for
women to know to love yourselfto you know be with yourself
over needing a man to not let aman change you that even when

(32:43):
you get in a relationship youknow go on it and still take
care of you self-care pour intoyourself essentially is the idea
well I ended up meeting herthrough a mutual friend that she
was dating and y'all I was jawdropped to find out how crazy
and erratic her behavior wasover a man.
The very thing that she wasempowering women not to do

(33:06):
calling calling his phone 50times calling his family members
to try to find him sittingoutside his house for like eight
hours like like when I say crazyand erratic behavior that's what
I mean.
I'm not talking about justlittle you know thing here and
there.
I'm talking about stuff thateven even on like the basic
level you know you don't do youknow and yet online she

(33:31):
presented as a guru she hostedworkshops she gave advice again
she's for the girls and she'sdoing this even while in the
relationship and I noticed toothat she was in and out like she
went through a couple ofrelationships but there's always
a message or or a word from itabout you know what she's
learned that wasn't true.
It's like oh you know you knowif he's not gonna treat you how

(33:54):
you want to be treated then yougot to let him go and just it's
better for you to be single thanto be with a man which is all
true but baby you're not livingthat and you're not showing up
and actually being honest aboutyour actions and what's driving
these men away because it's notjust that they don't want to
care for you, love you.
It's not just that you're caringfor them and loving you it's
that you you act crazy that yourbehavior is erratic right and I

(34:18):
personally disengaged when I sawthat online her and behind
closed doors her didn't match upat all.
And this is not to it's it's notto bash her it's really just to
show y'all from like you canprobably feel and see how like
big my eyes get when I tell thisstory because it's still all
these years later it still blowsmy mind and I've had I've had

(34:40):
minor experiences like thatwhere I went to hear this lady
that I have followed for years Iwent to go hear her speak in
person and she was just sostandoffish and kind of rude but
I took that as like maybe shewas nervous because like I know
I get nervous and quiet.
So so I didn't get to see thatup front I just had a perception
of what it felt like that couldhave been wrong but this I saw
up front this I'm like new likelike yeah it it it it it wasn't

(35:06):
good and and so again I'm nottrying to bash her but I do wish
that people took time to healoffline and to get to know
themselves.
I think sometimes people thinkif they keep up the persona of
what they want to be that theycould eventually become that
person but real change doesn'twork that way.
You have to sit down you have tolook at the root causes you got
to listen to this podcast rightand address what's really

(35:29):
happening on the inside andthat's just not what was going
on here.
You're showing up online as aone person you're only allowing
people to get to know you in oneway and you're not taking the
time to make sure that again whoyou want to be who you proclaim
to be is actually who you arethat almost going through
relationship after relationshipit you know people started kind

(35:52):
of wondering like startedquestioning a little bit but
again the excuse was always thatman that man instead of I have
the problem y'all because that'sharder to admit now I don't know
her whole story.
I don't know everything thatshe's been through she maybe
needed her online communitybecause she didn't have that
anywhere else I I bring this upbecause it's really not about

(36:13):
her it's an example to pull usoutside of ourselves so we can
see the issue more clearlybecause I think that she is just
one of many, one of most whoshow up this way online and then
are frustrated again when thosewho know you um don't support
you because who you are onlineversus who you are in real life

(36:36):
are not matching up.
And we have to check in withourselves and ask if the real us
and the online us match beforecalling everyone who knows us
and doesn't support us a hater.
And I'm primarily bringing upyou know again I think I've
already said this I'll just sayit one more time that in
bringing up these points I'mjust trying to give us
additional explanations beyondsomeone being a hater or having

(36:58):
a monitoring spirit or justbeing a lurker.
That is not really that simpleI'm not trying to give people
like get you out of free passesso they can bypass having to
support you.
I'm really trying to give youthe person other things to
consider not just about youraudience but even about
yourself.

(37:19):
Because I don't want to soundlike I'm dismissing effort.
I'm not I believe in engagingand supporting people I buy
books I share podcasts I blindlylike stuff you know which can
get you in trouble so I'm tryingto pay more attention to what
I'm liking but I you know I likeit just because it's on my feed
you know I comment I try tosupport people online and in
real life right and I and Ithink that people will say that

(37:41):
when they text me I text themback you know um when you know
when you want to talk we talkright when you're when you're
messaging me I'm I'm messagingyou whether that's from the
podcast page or my real pagelike I want to be to people who
I really am that that's just mebecause honestly I I dislike
people like I don't do this tosay that oh I'm supporting you
or to get something back.

(38:02):
I genuinely dislike people Ialso grew up in the age of
social media on Instagram whenit was just pictures and I love
taking pictures and I loveseeing other people's pictures
and just what they do in theirlife.
So I like looking at content forthat reason it just is so cool
and people are hilarious and andfun right so I 100% believe in
supporting people so I'm nottrying to dismiss effort and I'm

(38:22):
not trying to make an excuse formyself like trying to give give
people you know myself a passfrom not doing this.
No that's not it at all.
I'm a big supporter right a bigfan of you know a lot of my
friends and what they do and andtheir work right um and yes at
the same time I know people whohave never listened to a single
episode of this podcast right Iknow people who I support and

(38:44):
whose stuff I like and whosestuff I share that have not done
the same thing to me at all.
I know family members whocomment on celebrities posts and
have never once commented onmine right I know friends who
couldn't tell you what thispodcast is even about who still
ask me still ask me questions orwho are still saying like I need
to catch up I need to catch upand that's okay right the

(39:06):
problem was believing that theywere all haters working against
me that was not helping me itwas making me suspicious it was
making me bitter it was keepingme focused on who wasn't
supporting instead of whatinstead of the people that were
but it was also making me seeagain it was making me water
down support in the way that wetalked about in the definition
section that instead of seeingsupport as you know my best

(39:30):
friend Jalen she took me out forum I had lost my job and I was
planning this big party and Iwas just so sad because it
finally was the job that Iwanted and I had lost this job
and she was like come on we'regonna go out and so she took me
out right that is real supportin real life I will not fault
her because she didn't sharesomething or she didn't comment

(39:51):
on something or she didn'trepost something because I talk
to her all the time.
And so I'm just saying that if Itook this mindset that we have
where we're talking about familyand friends who do not support
us and who are haters and whogot monetary spirits I could
miss the whole point of how theyreally truly do support me
because I'm watering downsupport again into metrics.

(40:14):
And I didn't want to stay inthat place.
That's why I started askingmyself different questions
literally sitting there goinglike hmm what else could be true
and I started asking questionsand some of the questions that I
was asking was like what if theydon't realize how meaningful one
comment could be to somebodywho's putting themselves out
there?
What if they don't even knowlike how social media works or

(40:38):
they're not a content creator sothey don't get it or they don't
have a business page so they'renot constantly looking at the
numbers and seeing how thingsare going up and going down or
whatever.
And what if social media justisn't where they show support
like I was just saying what ifyou know your family members not
double tapping but they'retelling their coworkers about
you was which actually happensto me too people who don't

(41:01):
actually listen to my podcast orkeep telling me I haven't
listened to that episode yetthey still tell other people
about the podcast because youknow what happens they listen to
somebody's story they hear whatthey're going through and
they're like oh my gosh I thinkyou could use this I think you
could listen to this right andlike we go back to that idea of
them not being in my audiencethe family member or the friends

(41:23):
sharing it even though theyhaven't fully listened to it
themselves they may not be in myaudience or even want this kind
of content but that support ofthem telling somebody their
coworker about it means thatthey still trust something about
me and what I'm doing because ifyou didn't you wouldn't be
telling them right and so thatis still something that counts
that's still support it justdoesn't come with the

(41:44):
notification I also was askingmyself like what if this is a
big one let me stop right hereand say this this is a big one
is that what if I never actuallyasked them what if instead of
assuming I just sent them what Imade and I asked directly hey
would you share this like didyou get a chance to see it
rather than quietly decidingthey don't care.
When I was telling y'all butwhen I was doing the the blog

(42:06):
and stuff back in 2020 this isexactly what I did.
I was not asking people I wasassuming that they should be
supporting me.
I was assuming that they shouldread it I remember I got mad at
my brother who was like yeah Iread it and I was like what was
it about?
And he didn't couldn't saynothing that it was about you
know so it was like but I hadnever really if I don't feel the

(42:27):
passion for it and if I don'texpress how much it means to me
it I shouldn't assume thateveryone's gonna get it right I
just I should not assume thatthey know without actually
giving them a chance to hear itfrom me.
And I think this one isinteresting because it it brings
up another point about ourexpectations that this we expect

(42:48):
from family and friends uh weexpect this support unprompted
unasked but everywhere else wego we're asking for what we
need.
Somewhere we decided that askingfamily and friends to support us
shouldn't even be necessary.
That if they really loved usthey just know and I don't know
where we got that belief.

(43:08):
I honestly don't know but I knowthat it's cost me some peace
holding people to a standardthat I never actually said out
loud.
And again I said I was gonna saythis a couple times because I
want to I just want to I justwant y'all to hear me is that
I'm not dismissing effortbecause it doesn't take much
they they could right theyshould they they can they can
like it they can share it theycan comment I know that when I

(43:30):
see these videos people aren'tasking for much but again I
think it's I think it's deeperthan that but I had this
conversation recently withsomeone else and I laid all of
this out I was telling her likethe different lanes the
different roles the not myaudience thing and she just
wasn't having any of it she waslike no it's simple they can
they should period that's itlike I don't get it and honestly

(43:50):
yeah she's not wrong it doesn'ttake much to like a post or
share a link or nowadays youhave so many options on online
you can what's it called rePost, you can share it to your
story, you can put it in a note,like you could just do so many
things that, like, yeah, I'm notknocking that that they that
they can't or that theyshouldn't.

(44:10):
And I'm not here to tell youthat it's hard for them or that
wanting this is unreasonable.
I'm just inviting us to stopdrawing conclusions that we have
no evidence for.
None of these explanations, noneof kind of the things that I'm
telling you why may be happeningor or other questions to think
of, they're not guaranteed.

(44:31):
But neither is the one that saysthey secretly hate you.
And I'd rather live in thequestion, right?
And in the curiosity and in theidea that humans are complex
than to keep handing myself themost painful answer by default.
And I also want to say that Itotally believe, okay, that
there are people around you whowant to see you fail, who

(44:53):
minimize your work, who talk youdown behind your back.
I'm not pretending or asking youto pretend that it doesn't
exist.
But a lot of what we call hatecould be indifference, right?
And like we said earlier,indifference is different than
hate and care.
It could be indifference,confusion, a perception gap,

(45:15):
because indifference is not thesame as opposition.
Someone not showing up for yourwork is not the same as someone
working or rooting against you.
And the danger of callingeverything hate or a hater,
right?
Calling everyone a hater, isthat it turns neutral people
into enemies.
And it keeps you in a posture ofdefensiveness that cost you more

(45:37):
than their silence did and everwill.
I believed that if my family andfriends supported me, I'd be
further along.
Like when I was telling you guysabout that in the 2020 section,
right, of my life, becausethat's really kind of the
highlight of where this peaks upfor me.
Like I was telling y'all that2018, 2019 period.
I I really believe that if theysupported me, which is true, if
they, if if even now the peoplethat know me, the people, uh, my

(46:01):
family members, if they liked mycontent, it would be uh like it
would be uh uh right.
And if they shared all the time,it'd be uh and probably the same
for them too, right?
But I also discovered that whenthey didn't support me, I was
taking it as proof that what Iwas doing wasn't worth doing.
Because if anyone should supportme, shouldn't it be the people
who know me, right?

(46:21):
And honestly, like who cares howI show up online, right?
Who cares if it's not you, youknow, you you you the the you
you know me to be, or or youknow, you're not my audience and
I'm not your expert.
Like, who cares?
Just like the post, just shareit, just put it, you know, just
you know what I mean?
Like I get it.
I'm I'm with y'all.
I I I get it.

(46:42):
I I I have felt that pain.
I know the pain, and I'm nottrying to dole it, I'm not
trying to take it away, right?
But for me, because I was inthat mindset when it when it
didn't happen, when they didn'tlike, when they didn't share, I
didn't just feel hurt, I feltconfirmed.
Like, okay, I guess this isn'tit.
I guess they're right to not bepaying attention to me.

(47:02):
I guess they're right.
If they're not reading my blog,why would a stranger want to
read my blog?
And that's why I'm talking aboutthis because I don't want y'all
to fall into that trap like Idid.
Because more than once, this wasa factor in my quitting things.
I talked to y'all in an inanother episode about, you know,
when I would quit things andstuff like that.
But uh, but and and obviously weknow there can be more than one

(47:23):
reason.
So I gave y'all reasons in thatepisode, but in this one, I'm
I'm saying that this also playeda factor in my quitting things.
And I would say around that timeof 2018-2019, not a factor in
quitting things just in my life,but in those seasons when I was
really trying to buildsomething, my photography
company, man, you know, myphotography company, I was so
upset.

(47:43):
I was like, nobody's booking me.
Like, like, why aren't theybooking me?
But I did have family andfriends support, right?
And then of course you diminishthe support that you do have by
paying attention to who's notshowing up.
But my photography company, myblog, just whatever I was trying
to build.
And there were things that Iwanted to do and how I wanted to
scale, and there were peoplearound me that didn't know me
that well, but that believed inme and that were helping me, but

(48:04):
I stopped doing the work becauseI was like, well, if my family
and friends aren't supportingme, then maybe there's a reason
why.
Maybe I'm not an expert at likenot, I shouldn't say an expert,
but I maybe I'm not qualified,right?
Maybe my voice doesn't matter.
Maybe what I'm saying is reallynot helpful, and I struggle with
that even with the podcast.
And that's why I'm saying thatlike this is one of those, you

(48:24):
know, uh uh topics where I'mstill trying to coach myself out
of this and I'm still workingwith myself and thinking about
it because it hurts.
It does make me wonder whyaren't you doing it?
And when you get around peopleand you want to ask, they
usually kind of beat you to it,like, oh that podcast thing
you're doing.
It's it how's it going?
Right?
But what do I say back?

(48:46):
Like, yeah, it's going great.
Did you did you share it?
On you know, it feels weird tolike have that in everyday
conversation, and so a lot oftimes we just sit back and we
hold on to it, and again, wehave these silent expectations
that we put on our family andfriends that, like, yeah, share
it, you know, but the silencearound it felt like a verdict.

(49:07):
And I think this is a good placeto also ask yourselves when it
comes to people who are doingcontent, what do you want?
Do you want someone who onlyshares and likes blindly like me
and just comments because theyfeel obligated to, or do you
want the people that reallysupport you?
And I had to start askingmyself, like, what does it say

(49:30):
about me that someone else'ssilence had that much power over
whether I kept going?
And I just wonder if, you know,some of you can relate because
maybe for some of you it's notum, it's not what I'm talking
about, but it's a need forvalidation that you haven't
fully dealt with yet.
Maybe for some of you, it's nottrusting yourself.
Maybe for others, it's a littlebit of shame that you haven't

(49:52):
admitted out loud, some quietembarrassment about calling
yourself a creator or an artistor somebody building something,
you know, in public.
And their silence just confirmedwhat you were already halfway
believing about yourself or whatyou were already feeling on the
inside.
Again, I already said myinsecurities ended up being why
I seen everybody that way.

(50:13):
That I'm that I'm saying istheir insecurities, but really
it's mine.
And I don't know which one ofthese is yours.
Maybe it's one of these, ormaybe it's something else that I
haven't said.
But again, I'd rather give youguys those questions and just
ask you to explore because itisn't always about our family
and friends.
It's about what their silencemeans and why we give it that

(50:34):
much power in the first place.
And I had hinted at this, but Ididn't finish it.
But that's all I was saying.
I think that the pain is deeper.
It's more than just a commentand a like and a share.
And that's why when strangers doit, we're still longing for
family and friends becausethere's just a different
validation that we get fromsomeone who who we think knows
us or expects knows us or hasknown us.

(50:55):
There's just a differentvalidation that you get from
them sharing and liking yourstuff than from a stranger,
right?
But again, sometimes strangers,they're not just liking and
commenting, they're listening,they're following you, they're
interested in you because theyhaven't yet formed an idea of
who you are.

(51:15):
Whereas some of our family andfriends have already formed that
idea, that version of you,right?
And I just want to take thismoment to speak to whoever has
been genuinely hurt by this.
I feel the pain.
I can feel it as I'm doing thisepisode.
It's not just a little sting,it's a wound.
Like to those of you who havepoured yourself into something,

(51:37):
and then you felt the silencefrom the people that you love,
and it felt like rejection.
And I want to name somethingspecific.
Strangers loving you does notcancel out the ache of not being
loved that same way by thepeople who've known you the
longest.
I know it can't ever weigh thesame.
You can have thousands of peoplerooting for you and still feel
the exact same hollow spot whenyour sister doesn't say a word.

(52:01):
That's not ingratitude, that'snot you being unable to receive
where strangers are offeringyou.
It's just true that the love ofpeople who know your whole story
reaches a place a stranger'slove was never going to touch
because it's just not the samekind of love.
The pain is real, and I'm notasking you to overlook it.
You know, if you've beenlistening to the podcast, I'm

(52:23):
asking you to lean into it, tosee what it's saying, to see
where it's guiding you, right?
To investigate, to interrogate.
But I also want to offer yousomething.
What if the silence wasn't aboutyour worth?
I'm not gonna answer for you.
You don't have to let go of thehurt today or tomorrow or next
week.
But I would invite you to tryloosening your grip on the story

(52:44):
that says it means something itmight not mean.
I'm also gonna ask you to givethe people in your life credit
for what they are to you, notwhat you wish they would be.
Your mom who prays for you everyday is supporting you.
It just doesn't look like ashare.
Your friend who showed up whenyou were devastated by the
rejection, or you know, Jalenwho showed up for me when I lost

(53:05):
my job, she's is supporting you.
It just doesn't look like alisten.
Real support, the bearing ofweight, the holding up, the
showing up in personal waysmight already be all around you
in forms you've been too hurt torecognize.
At some point, we ask, is thishelping me build the life I
want, or is it just reinforcingthe story that everyone is

(53:26):
against me?
And here's the blueprint segmentfor this episode.
Imagine walking onto aconstruction site.
All you see are stacks oflumber, pipes, electrical wire,
drywall.
It looks random, maybe evenmessy.
You genuinely can't tell whatit's going to become.
But then somebody hands you theblueprint.
And here's the strange partnothing about the materials

(53:49):
change.
The lumber doesn't move, thepipes don't move, the wiring
doesn't move.
The only thing that changes ishow you interpret what you're
looking at.
What looked like clutter becomesa kitchen.
What looked like randommaterials becomes somebody's
future home or a new renovatedspace.
Relationships work the same way.

(54:10):
Facts matter.
They didn't like your post, theydidn't buy your jury, they
didn't come to your event.
Those are facts, and I'm notasking you to pretend otherwise.
But the blueprint is the storyyou attach to those facts.
And before you decide whatsomebody's silence means, I just
want you to make sure you'rereading from the right one.
You don't need your family to beyour fans to be loved by them.

(54:33):
You don't need your friends toshare your work to know they're
in your corner.
The strangers who find you andfeel found by you, that's real.
Honor it.
They came looking for exactlywhat you're offering.
And the people at your table whohave loved you since before you
knew what you were building, wholoved you before you put
yourself out on the internet orstarted content, let them love

(54:56):
you the way they know how.
That's its own kind of support.
I'm not asking you to ignoreyour instincts.
I'm not asking to pretend peoplenever work against you.
I'm asking you to slow downbefore you decide why someone
did what they did.
Because maybe you'll still landin the same place.
Maybe you'll still conclude theyaren't for you.

(55:19):
And sometimes that's true.
But maybe you'll discover thestory you were telling yourself
wasn't the only story available.
And that one shift, just thatone shift has brought me a lot
more peace than assuming thateveryone who didn't support me
was against me or was a hater orhad a monitoring spirit or was a
lurker.

(55:39):
So maybe the next time someonedoesn't like your post, instead
of asking why don't they supportme, you ask instead what else
could be true.
I think that's a much betterplace to start.
Until next time, let's keepdoing the work to renovate the
song.

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Why Your Family and Friends Don't Support You Like Strangers Do | Ep. 27

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Why Your Family and Friends Don't Support You Like Strangers Do | Ep. 27