March 17, 2025 • 23 mins
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Every school counselor has been there—stuck in a conversation where the word "bullying" is thrown around, but something feels off.
A parent demands action because their child was left out of a game at recess. A teacher sends a referral for a “bullying” case that turns out to be a one-time disagreement. Meanwhile, students facing real, targeted harassment often go unnoticed in the noise.
So, how do you cut through the confusion and handle these situations the right way?
Here’s what I'm talking about in this episode:
- The 3 key markers of real bullying (and why missing even one changes everything)
- The biggest mistakes schools make when defining bullying—and how to fix them
- How to explain bullying vs. drama to parents, teachers, and admin (without the pushback)
- What to do when students over-report (or under-report) bullying
- The exact words to use when a parent insists, “This IS bullying!”
If you’re tired of mediating every social conflict and want a clear strategy for handling true bullying cases, this episode is for you.
00:00 Introduction: The Bullying Dilemma
01:23 Understanding the Difference: Bullying vs. Drama
05:15 Key Indicators of Bullying
06:54 Handling Peer Drama
08:57 Communicating with Parents and Administrators
12:48 Effective Responses to Bullying and Peer Conflict
19:27 Resources
**********************************
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
You're in a parent meeting or maybe in a phone call
, and you can feel it comingbefore they even say it.
My child is a victim ofbullying.
The parent's frustration isprobably written all over their
face.
You can hear it in their voiceand you can tell they want
(00:23):
action now.
So you jump into action too.
You start digging, you startasking questions, checking
behavior reports, talking toteachers, expecting to find some
sort of clear-cut case.
But what do you find?
Instead, you find adisagreement over who gets to
(00:49):
sit at what table during lunch.
Does this sound familiar toyour school and your work?
Hey, welcome back to the Schoolfor School Counselors podcast,
where we're skipping the fluffand we're getting straight into
real strategies that actuallywork in the trenches.
I'm Steph Johnson, a full-timeschool counselor just like you,
(01:10):
who's been exactly where you arenow feeling overloaded,
undervalued and trying to do thebest for your students with way
too little time and autonomy.
And today we're going to breakdown one of the biggest time
wasters in school counseling,and that's the time spent
(01:31):
sorting out the differencesbetween bullying and drama.
Every year, school counselorsspend hours upon hours
investigating bullying claimsthat aren't actually bullying,
and it's not just frustrating todevote so much time to
(01:52):
something like that.
It's a problem because wheneverything gets labeled as
bullying, the real cases thatneed attention get overlooked
and we get stuck mediating everysingle little student
disagreement instead of focusingon the work that actually moves
the needle.
When I was a beginning schoolcounselor, I had to learn this
(02:16):
the hard way, I will admit Ithought I was helping by jumping
into every conflict that wasreported to me, was helping by
jumping into every conflict thatwas reported to me, trying to
help students resolve all thethings.
But in the end I created morework for myself and I wasn't
actually teaching students howto handle their own social
(02:37):
challenges.
And once I realized this andI'll admit it took a little bit
longer than it probably shouldhave I was able to shift my
approach, and that's when Ireally saw a difference, and
today I want to share with youhow to make that difference too.
Now a lot of people on ourcampuses believe that calling
(03:03):
everything bullying just makesstudents feel more supported,
but in reality it actually doesthe opposite.
When every single studentconflict gets labeled as
bullying, it weakens the termand then, when real bullying
happens, it doesn't get theattention it deserves.
(03:24):
Let me tell you about a schoolcounselor.
She's theoretical, but I betyou probably know her pretty
well.
We'll call her Melissa.
Melissa was drowning inso-called bullying referrals.
She was handling dozens oflunchroom disputes, dozens of
lunchroom disputes, argumentsover who said what, when, where
(03:45):
and why, and complaints fromparents about social media drama
that never seemed to end.
But after months of theseexhausting interventions she
noticed something reallyimportant Her actual bullying
(04:08):
cases weren't getting better.
When she figured out how tostop lumping every single mean
interaction under the bullyingumbrella and instead handle peer
drama differently, her time allof a sudden started freeing up.
Her interventions were moreeffective and students started
learning how to handle their ownconflicts instead of just
(04:29):
showing up and reporting them.
Does that feel familiar?
So if calling everythingbullying is actually hurting us
and we know that's happening onour school campuses then how do
we know when something isbullying?
There are three key factors wealways need to look for, and if
(04:50):
all of these three are present,then we know we're dealing with
a true bullying situation.
You probably already know these, but it's important to keep
going over them so that we staysharp, we stay focused in these
situations and we're able tointervene effectively when we
(05:10):
have so many emotions flyingthis way and that Bullying has
three key indicators power,pattern and intent.
And intent Power refers to apower imbalance.
(05:31):
It's when one student somehowholds more influence and they
use it to intimidate.
It could be social influence,so we're typically talking about
the popular kids, the it girl.
Sometimes it's physical power,sometimes they're larger,
they're taller, or sometimesit's emotional power.
They have some larger, they'retaller, or sometimes it's
emotional power.
They have some sort ofbargaining chip.
They're hanging over the otherstudent's head but they use this
(05:52):
power to intimidate.
That's one.
The second indicator is pattern.
If it's not just a one-timefight, if it's repeated and the
victim is starting to feelhelpless or hopeless that it's
ever going to be resolved, thatindicates you might be looking
at a bullying situation.
(06:13):
But you have to have all three.
And the third indicator isintent, where it's not just an
argument, it's not just anisolated or short-term
disagreement, it's a deliberateattempt to hurt another student,
to isolate them or to degradethem.
(06:33):
If we see all three of these,that's when we're looking at
bullying.
But think about the lastbullying report that you got.
Did it actually meet all ofthese criteria?
Chances are, statistically itdidn't.
(06:54):
So then let's flip this andlet's look at the opposite of
bullying.
What happens when a student isupset but the situation doesn't
meet all three of thoseindicators?
That's when we know we'redealing with peer drama, which
is super frustrating.
But y'all, it is not the samething as bullying.
(07:14):
Peer drama is different becausethere's mutual conflict.
Both students are participatingequally in the dispute.
There's no power imbalance likethere is in bullying.
Nobody's using status orinfluence to overcome or
dominate the other person.
(07:35):
And this drama is situational.
These are one-time or temporaryconflicts.
It's not patterns ofintentional harassment.
Usually, when we talk about peerdrama, we see something like
social exclusion or where astudent doesn't get invited to
(07:56):
something and so they call thatbullying.
Or we might see studentscalling each other names and
those one-time insults getreporting as ongoing harassment.
They call me names every dayand when you get down to it,
that's really not what's goingon.
And my personal favorite socialmedia fights where things get
(08:19):
heated online and then all of asudden it gets labeled as
cyberbullying.
But again, we've got toremember we have to have all
three conditions in place for itto actually be bullying.
I bet you've probably had astudent show up in your office
or have their parent report thatthey were being bullied at
(08:41):
school, and then you jumped into help investigate or to help
tease out what was going on andyou really found out it was an
isolated incident or a singleargument.
That is where this distinctionmatters.
Now, knowing the differencebetween bullying and drama as a
(09:02):
school counselor is one thing,but how about convincing parents
and administrators?
That's a whole differentchallenge.
Because, let's be honest, whena parent walks into your office,
they do not care about what thedefinition of true bullying
actually is.
They care that their child isupset, and if we don't handle
(09:27):
this conversation in the rightway, we are going to risk losing
their trust before theconversation even begins.
And this is where a lot ofschool counselors just give in
right, because sometimes it'seasier to go along to get along.
So we need to make sure thatwe're not throwing in the towel
from the beginning because wefeel intimidated by the
(09:49):
conversation.
How do we explain thesedifferences in a way that
actually lands with the parents?
The way that we explain thisdifference is going to make all
the difference.
We can't say things like well,this isn't bullying, because it
(10:10):
sounds dismissive and the parentis not gonna be happy with you.
We can't say things like well,you know, this is just part of
growing up, you know it's justgonna be tough for a little
while.
That alienates the parent andtheir concerns for their kid.
And we certainly don't want tosay and there's not a lot I can
do about this, because then thatmakes you look like you're
(10:32):
powerless and you may bethinking I would never say those
things to a parent.
But I promise you those thingshappen every day.
So what do we do?
Instead, we can say somethinglike I totally see why this is
upsetting.
So let's figure out the bestway to support your child,
(10:53):
because whether this is bullyingor it's just a conflict, they
both deserve my attention.
That way, we are not agreeingwith their assessment of
bullying, but we're also notdismissing it.
We can also approach it likethis hey, you know, in order to
(11:14):
qualify as bullying, it has tomeet certain criteria.
What's happening here, I think,is more of a peer conflict, but
that's actually amazing news,because that means we have ways
we can work through it and it'sgoing to get resolved much
faster.
When we frame it that way, it'sreally hard to argue with right.
(11:34):
Nobody wants to say thebehavior doesn't match your
definition, but I still knowit's bullying and I want this to
take a long time and be reallyhard.
Nobody's going to say that, oryou could just explain hey, I
hate that this is happening.
And here's what I can tell you.
I'm going to focus on givingyour student the tools that they
(11:59):
need to navigate these kinds ofconflicts successfully, and so
by the end of this thing,they're going to be feeling
stronger and more confident forthe next time they feel some
conflict with someone else.
Having words like this at theready will save you so much
(12:19):
stress in these conversations,because they don't require you
to capitulate to the parents'demands.
You're able to hold your ground, but also explain how and why
it may not be bullying and howyou're going to help anyway.
So we've covered what bullyingis and what it isn't, and we've
(12:40):
talked about how to explain itto parents and administrators.
But y'all, the story doesn'tend there, because that's half
the battle.
The real question becomes whatdo we actually do when these
situations are brought to ourattention?
Let me walk through how weshould respond whether it's
(13:01):
legit bullying or whether it'sjust pure conflict.
That needs a different approach.
First, of course we're lookingfor that power imbalance.
If we have two students thathave a disagreement over whose
seat it is in the cafeteria,that's not bullying.
But if one student always getstheir way and the other one's
(13:22):
afraid to speak up, then we'vegot a power imbalance.
If you've ever dealt with asituation where one student was
just way more socially dominantand the other student felt kind
of powerless around them, that'swhen this step really matters.
We've got to look for the powerimbalance.
(13:43):
Then we look to see is this aone-time incident or is this a
pattern?
If a student gets called stupidonce in an argument, it's mean
but it's not bullying.
But if that changes and thenevery day for weeks there's a
group of kids that whisperstupid every time that kid walks
(14:04):
by, that becomes bullying.
So we have to find out.
Has this happened before?
How often has it happened?
Third, is there an intent toharm?
Third, is they're in intent toharm?
The goal of bullying is to makesomeone feel small or scared or
powerless.
But peer drama is usuallyreactionary.
(14:25):
They get mad at each other,they lash out and then they move
on somehow.
It's kind of like two girls anda rumor.
I'm sure you've never had thatsituation at your school, right?
Right?
One student says I can'tbelieve, you told everybody that
.
And the other student getscaught off guard and says
whatever, I don't even care.
That's an emotional reactionand it's not bullying.
(14:49):
But if the same girl spread therumor intentionally and maybe
sends text messages or makesocial media posts telling
people to avoid her because ofthis rumor and sort of makes it
their mission to isolate thatstudent, that becomes bullying.
So we really have to beintentional on spotting the
(15:12):
differences.
Is there a power imbalance?
Is there a pattern and is thereintent to harm?
Is there a pattern and is thereintent to harm?
Okay, so then, now that we canspot the difference, let's talk
about what to do next, becausehow we respond matters just as
much or even more as defining itin the first place.
(15:44):
If we treat bullying like it'sjust peer conflict, we fail to
protect the student that's beingtargeted.
But if we treat peer conflictlike bullying, then we escalate
something kids could resolve ontheir own.
So it gets dicey.
We've got to make sure that wehave the right read on the
situation and then the rightapproach.
Let's start with what to do.
When it actually really isbullying there is a power
(16:06):
imbalance, a pattern and intentto harm.
Of course we're going tointervene immediately.
We've got to stop the behaviorbefore it escalates.
We have to separate thesestudents, make sure everybody
feels safe and we need tosupport the target.
We need to create a safe spacefor them to be in when they're
(16:27):
at school and provide somecoping strategies to get through
the situation.
We also, after consequences aredealt out and that is not in
your wheelhouse, that needs tobe your administration we need
to find out why the bully isengaging in this type of
behavior.
We need to get to the root ofthe issue so that we can help
(16:51):
prevent it from happening again,and we need to involve staff
and parents.
We need a consistentschool-wide approach that
translates to home.
So, in addressing bullying,we're intervening, supporting
the target, addressing the rootcause with the bully, and we're
(17:13):
creating a wraparound approachbetween school and home.
But y'all, let's be real, mostof what gets brought to us isn't
actually bullying.
It's friendship drama, it'ssocial tension, it's everyday
conflict and while that may notreally be dangerous, it still
(17:35):
causes a lot of real stress forstudents and if we don't handle
it right, it's going to causestress for us too, right.
So how do we manage peerconflict without getting stuck
in the zone where we're expectedto mediate every single
disagreement that pops upbetween students?
(17:56):
First, we have to teachself-advocacy.
We have to help studentscommunicate clearly and
confidently.
We have to give them theself-concept, as well as the
words sometimes, to be able todo that.
We can coach problem-solvingskills.
We can help students look atways that they can find
solutions to the situationinstead of just escalating them
(18:19):
situation.
Instead of just escalating them, we can model healthy conflict
resolution.
We can show them how todisagree with each other without
becoming disrespectful andthat's a huge lesson that a lot
of our students are not learningelsewhere.
And we can validate feelings inthese situations of peer
conflict.
We shouldn't just dismiss it.
(18:41):
We shouldn't just say, oh, thatshouldn't bother you, this is a
one-time thing that's not goingto get you where you want to go
.
Validate their feelings, butalso empower them to action.
Let's move them from this istotally unfair to.
This is what I'm going to doabout it.
Solution-focused approaches, ifit's appropriate for your age
(19:05):
range, is going to workmasterfully here, all right.
So addressing peer conflict,self-advocacy, problem-solving,
healthy conflict resolution andvalidating feelings, while still
empowering students to takeaction.
This is just kind of the firststeps to addressing these
(19:28):
situations and I want to tellyou we talk about these kinds of
things all the time in ourSchool for School Counselors
Mastermind.
So if you want to dive deeperinto these topics, if you want
to get real time, real worldinsights into situations that
are happening on your specificcampus in your unique
circumstances, you need to lookat joining us in the Mastermind.
You can find out more atschoolforschoolcounselorscom.
(19:51):
Slash mastermind.
And before you go, I havesomething for you.
If you feel like handlingbehavior and behavior concerns
on your campus is just taking upway too much of your time, you
might need to look into mybehavior breakthrough kit.
Now we're just gauging interestin this kit, but it's looking
(20:13):
like it's going to be a thingjam-packed full of ready-to-use
strategies that help you toreduce disruptions, support
students more effectively andstop behavior issues before they
start spiraling out of control.
There are lots of things inhere, but the things I'm most
(20:35):
proud of are a new flow chart Ijust developed for Next Steps in
Behavior Support, where you canliterally start at the top of
the chart and work your waythrough.
Is this true, yes or no?
Then go to the next option Isthis true, yes or no?
And it's going to lead you toyour next best step.
(20:57):
The other thing that I'veincluded in this and again,
there's tons of stuff in thiskit is a decision tree for
dysregulation versus defiance.
How many times have you workedwith a student?
You've been called for themover and over again and you
can't help but think are theyreally this dysregulated or are
they playing me a little bit?
(21:18):
Have you ever had that niggleof doubt in the back of your
mind?
This decision tree is going tohelp you make that determination
, to the best of your knowledge.
It's a fantastic resource.
I've never seen anything likeit anywhere else and I'm going
to include it in the BehaviorBreakthrough Kit.
You can find out about all thecomponents in the kit by going
(21:40):
and signing up for the waitlist.
I will include a link to thewaitlist in the kit by going and
signing up for the wait list.
I will include a link to thewait list in the show notes here
.
Or you can go to the homepageschoolforschoolcounselorscom and
at the very top there will be aspot that you can click and
enter your information so thatyou are the first to know when
the Behavior Breakthrough Kit isreleased.
(22:01):
All right, I know this episodecovered a ton, but if there's
anything I want you to take awayfrom this episode, it's this
that when we define bullyingcorrectly, it helps us protect
the students who truly need ourhelp, and that when we teach
kids to handle conflict, wetruly empower them for life.
(22:24):
And, as a bonus, when we cancommunicate these differences
clearly, we're going to buildcredibility not only with
parents, but also with ouradministrators.
So if this episode helped youclarify those differences, help
me spread the word.
You can share this episode witha school counseling friend who
(22:45):
could use it, and you can alsohit subscribe in your podcast
player so that when the nextepisode comes out and spoiler
alert the next episode is goingto be focused on more behavior,
intervention tactics andstrategies You're going to be
first in line to receive all theawesomeness.
All right, I'll be back soonwith another episode of the
(23:09):
School for School Counselorspodcast and in the meantime, I
hope you have the best week.
Take care, my friend.
You're in a parent meeting or maybe in a phone call
, and you can feel it comingbefore they even say it.
My child is a victim ofbullying.
The parent's frustration isprobably written all over their
face.
You can hear it in their voiceand you can tell they want
(00:23):
action now.
So you jump into action too.
You start digging, you startasking questions, checking
behavior reports, talking toteachers, expecting to find some
sort of clear-cut case.
But what do you find?
Instead, you find adisagreement over who gets to
(00:49):
sit at what table during lunch.
Does this sound familiar toyour school and your work?
Hey, welcome back to the Schoolfor School Counselors podcast,
where we're skipping the fluffand we're getting straight into
real strategies that actuallywork in the trenches.
I'm Steph Johnson, a full-timeschool counselor just like you,
(01:10):
who's been exactly where you arenow feeling overloaded,
undervalued and trying to do thebest for your students with way
too little time and autonomy.
And today we're going to breakdown one of the biggest time
wasters in school counseling,and that's the time spent
(01:31):
sorting out the differencesbetween bullying and drama.
Every year, school counselorsspend hours upon hours
investigating bullying claimsthat aren't actually bullying,
and it's not just frustrating todevote so much time to
(01:52):
something like that.
It's a problem because wheneverything gets labeled as
bullying, the real cases thatneed attention get overlooked
and we get stuck mediating everysingle little student
disagreement instead of focusingon the work that actually moves
the needle.
When I was a beginning schoolcounselor, I had to learn this
(02:16):
the hard way, I will admit Ithought I was helping by jumping
into every conflict that wasreported to me, was helping by
jumping into every conflict thatwas reported to me, trying to
help students resolve all thethings.
But in the end I created morework for myself and I wasn't
actually teaching students howto handle their own social
(02:37):
challenges.
And once I realized this andI'll admit it took a little bit
longer than it probably shouldhave I was able to shift my
approach, and that's when Ireally saw a difference, and
today I want to share with youhow to make that difference too.
Now a lot of people on ourcampuses believe that calling
(03:03):
everything bullying just makesstudents feel more supported,
but in reality it actually doesthe opposite.
When every single studentconflict gets labeled as
bullying, it weakens the termand then, when real bullying
happens, it doesn't get theattention it deserves.
(03:24):
Let me tell you about a schoolcounselor.
She's theoretical, but I betyou probably know her pretty
well.
We'll call her Melissa.
Melissa was drowning inso-called bullying referrals.
She was handling dozens oflunchroom disputes, dozens of
lunchroom disputes, argumentsover who said what, when, where
(03:45):
and why, and complaints fromparents about social media drama
that never seemed to end.
But after months of theseexhausting interventions she
noticed something reallyimportant Her actual bullying
(04:08):
cases weren't getting better.
When she figured out how tostop lumping every single mean
interaction under the bullyingumbrella and instead handle peer
drama differently, her time allof a sudden started freeing up.
Her interventions were moreeffective and students started
learning how to handle their ownconflicts instead of just
(04:29):
showing up and reporting them.
Does that feel familiar?
So if calling everythingbullying is actually hurting us
and we know that's happening onour school campuses then how do
we know when something isbullying?
There are three key factors wealways need to look for, and if
(04:50):
all of these three are present,then we know we're dealing with
a true bullying situation.
You probably already know these, but it's important to keep
going over them so that we staysharp, we stay focused in these
situations and we're able tointervene effectively when we
(05:10):
have so many emotions flyingthis way and that Bullying has
three key indicators power,pattern and intent.
And intent Power refers to apower imbalance.
(05:31):
It's when one student somehowholds more influence and they
use it to intimidate.
It could be social influence,so we're typically talking about
the popular kids, the it girl.
Sometimes it's physical power,sometimes they're larger,
they're taller, or sometimesit's emotional power.
They have some larger, they'retaller, or sometimes it's
emotional power.
They have some sort ofbargaining chip.
They're hanging over the otherstudent's head but they use this
(05:52):
power to intimidate.
That's one.
The second indicator is pattern.
If it's not just a one-timefight, if it's repeated and the
victim is starting to feelhelpless or hopeless that it's
ever going to be resolved, thatindicates you might be looking
at a bullying situation.
(06:13):
But you have to have all three.
And the third indicator isintent, where it's not just an
argument, it's not just anisolated or short-term
disagreement, it's a deliberateattempt to hurt another student,
to isolate them or to degradethem.
(06:33):
If we see all three of these,that's when we're looking at
bullying.
But think about the lastbullying report that you got.
Did it actually meet all ofthese criteria?
Chances are, statistically itdidn't.
(06:54):
So then let's flip this andlet's look at the opposite of
bullying.
What happens when a student isupset but the situation doesn't
meet all three of thoseindicators?
That's when we know we'redealing with peer drama, which
is super frustrating.
But y'all, it is not the samething as bullying.
(07:14):
Peer drama is different becausethere's mutual conflict.
Both students are participatingequally in the dispute.
There's no power imbalance likethere is in bullying.
Nobody's using status orinfluence to overcome or
dominate the other person.
(07:35):
And this drama is situational.
These are one-time or temporaryconflicts.
It's not patterns ofintentional harassment.
Usually, when we talk about peerdrama, we see something like
social exclusion or where astudent doesn't get invited to
(07:56):
something and so they call thatbullying.
Or we might see studentscalling each other names and
those one-time insults getreporting as ongoing harassment.
They call me names every dayand when you get down to it,
that's really not what's goingon.
And my personal favorite socialmedia fights where things get
(08:19):
heated online and then all of asudden it gets labeled as
cyberbullying.
But again, we've got toremember we have to have all
three conditions in place for itto actually be bullying.
I bet you've probably had astudent show up in your office
or have their parent report thatthey were being bullied at
(08:41):
school, and then you jumped into help investigate or to help
tease out what was going on andyou really found out it was an
isolated incident or a singleargument.
That is where this distinctionmatters.
Now, knowing the differencebetween bullying and drama as a
(09:02):
school counselor is one thing,but how about convincing parents
and administrators?
That's a whole differentchallenge.
Because, let's be honest, whena parent walks into your office,
they do not care about what thedefinition of true bullying
actually is.
They care that their child isupset, and if we don't handle
(09:27):
this conversation in the rightway, we are going to risk losing
their trust before theconversation even begins.
And this is where a lot ofschool counselors just give in
right, because sometimes it'seasier to go along to get along.
So we need to make sure thatwe're not throwing in the towel
from the beginning because wefeel intimidated by the
(09:49):
conversation.
How do we explain thesedifferences in a way that
actually lands with the parents?
The way that we explain thisdifference is going to make all
the difference.
We can't say things like well,this isn't bullying, because it
(10:10):
sounds dismissive and the parentis not gonna be happy with you.
We can't say things like well,you know, this is just part of
growing up, you know it's justgonna be tough for a little
while.
That alienates the parent andtheir concerns for their kid.
And we certainly don't want tosay and there's not a lot I can
do about this, because then thatmakes you look like you're
(10:32):
powerless and you may bethinking I would never say those
things to a parent.
But I promise you those thingshappen every day.
So what do we do?
Instead, we can say somethinglike I totally see why this is
upsetting.
So let's figure out the bestway to support your child,
(10:53):
because whether this is bullyingor it's just a conflict, they
both deserve my attention.
That way, we are not agreeingwith their assessment of
bullying, but we're also notdismissing it.
We can also approach it likethis hey, you know, in order to
(11:14):
qualify as bullying, it has tomeet certain criteria.
What's happening here, I think,is more of a peer conflict, but
that's actually amazing news,because that means we have ways
we can work through it and it'sgoing to get resolved much
faster.
When we frame it that way, it'sreally hard to argue with right.
(11:34):
Nobody wants to say thebehavior doesn't match your
definition, but I still knowit's bullying and I want this to
take a long time and be reallyhard.
Nobody's going to say that, oryou could just explain hey, I
hate that this is happening.
And here's what I can tell you.
I'm going to focus on givingyour student the tools that they
(11:59):
need to navigate these kinds ofconflicts successfully, and so
by the end of this thing,they're going to be feeling
stronger and more confident forthe next time they feel some
conflict with someone else.
Having words like this at theready will save you so much
(12:19):
stress in these conversations,because they don't require you
to capitulate to the parents'demands.
You're able to hold your ground, but also explain how and why
it may not be bullying and howyou're going to help anyway.
So we've covered what bullyingis and what it isn't, and we've
(12:40):
talked about how to explain itto parents and administrators.
But y'all, the story doesn'tend there, because that's half
the battle.
The real question becomes whatdo we actually do when these
situations are brought to ourattention?
Let me walk through how weshould respond whether it's
(13:01):
legit bullying or whether it'sjust pure conflict.
That needs a different approach.
First, of course we're lookingfor that power imbalance.
If we have two students thathave a disagreement over whose
seat it is in the cafeteria,that's not bullying.
But if one student always getstheir way and the other one's
(13:22):
afraid to speak up, then we'vegot a power imbalance.
If you've ever dealt with asituation where one student was
just way more socially dominantand the other student felt kind
of powerless around them, that'swhen this step really matters.
We've got to look for the powerimbalance.
(13:43):
Then we look to see is this aone-time incident or is this a
pattern?
If a student gets called stupidonce in an argument, it's mean
but it's not bullying.
But if that changes and thenevery day for weeks there's a
group of kids that whisperstupid every time that kid walks
(14:04):
by, that becomes bullying.
So we have to find out.
Has this happened before?
How often has it happened?
Third, is there an intent toharm?
Third, is they're in intent toharm?
The goal of bullying is to makesomeone feel small or scared or
powerless.
But peer drama is usuallyreactionary.
(14:25):
They get mad at each other,they lash out and then they move
on somehow.
It's kind of like two girls anda rumor.
I'm sure you've never had thatsituation at your school, right?
Right?
One student says I can'tbelieve, you told everybody that
.
And the other student getscaught off guard and says
whatever, I don't even care.
That's an emotional reactionand it's not bullying.
(14:49):
But if the same girl spread therumor intentionally and maybe
sends text messages or makesocial media posts telling
people to avoid her because ofthis rumor and sort of makes it
their mission to isolate thatstudent, that becomes bullying.
So we really have to beintentional on spotting the
(15:12):
differences.
Is there a power imbalance?
Is there a pattern and is thereintent to harm?
Is there a pattern and is thereintent to harm?
Okay, so then, now that we canspot the difference, let's talk
about what to do next, becausehow we respond matters just as
much or even more as defining itin the first place.
(15:44):
If we treat bullying like it'sjust peer conflict, we fail to
protect the student that's beingtargeted.
But if we treat peer conflictlike bullying, then we escalate
something kids could resolve ontheir own.
So it gets dicey.
We've got to make sure that wehave the right read on the
situation and then the rightapproach.
Let's start with what to do.
When it actually really isbullying there is a power
(16:06):
imbalance, a pattern and intentto harm.
Of course we're going tointervene immediately.
We've got to stop the behaviorbefore it escalates.
We have to separate thesestudents, make sure everybody
feels safe and we need tosupport the target.
We need to create a safe spacefor them to be in when they're
(16:27):
at school and provide somecoping strategies to get through
the situation.
We also, after consequences aredealt out and that is not in
your wheelhouse, that needs tobe your administration we need
to find out why the bully isengaging in this type of
behavior.
We need to get to the root ofthe issue so that we can help
(16:51):
prevent it from happening again,and we need to involve staff
and parents.
We need a consistentschool-wide approach that
translates to home.
So, in addressing bullying,we're intervening, supporting
the target, addressing the rootcause with the bully, and we're
(17:13):
creating a wraparound approachbetween school and home.
But y'all, let's be real, mostof what gets brought to us isn't
actually bullying.
It's friendship drama, it'ssocial tension, it's everyday
conflict and while that may notreally be dangerous, it still
(17:35):
causes a lot of real stress forstudents and if we don't handle
it right, it's going to causestress for us too, right.
So how do we manage peerconflict without getting stuck
in the zone where we're expectedto mediate every single
disagreement that pops upbetween students?
(17:56):
First, we have to teachself-advocacy.
We have to help studentscommunicate clearly and
confidently.
We have to give them theself-concept, as well as the
words sometimes, to be able todo that.
We can coach problem-solvingskills.
We can help students look atways that they can find
solutions to the situationinstead of just escalating them
(18:19):
situation.
Instead of just escalating them, we can model healthy conflict
resolution.
We can show them how todisagree with each other without
becoming disrespectful andthat's a huge lesson that a lot
of our students are not learningelsewhere.
And we can validate feelings inthese situations of peer
conflict.
We shouldn't just dismiss it.
(18:41):
We shouldn't just say, oh, thatshouldn't bother you, this is a
one-time thing that's not goingto get you where you want to go
.
Validate their feelings, butalso empower them to action.
Let's move them from this istotally unfair to.
This is what I'm going to doabout it.
Solution-focused approaches, ifit's appropriate for your age
(19:05):
range, is going to workmasterfully here, all right.
So addressing peer conflict,self-advocacy, problem-solving,
healthy conflict resolution andvalidating feelings, while still
empowering students to takeaction.
This is just kind of the firststeps to addressing these
(19:28):
situations and I want to tellyou we talk about these kinds of
things all the time in ourSchool for School Counselors
Mastermind.
So if you want to dive deeperinto these topics, if you want
to get real time, real worldinsights into situations that
are happening on your specificcampus in your unique
circumstances, you need to lookat joining us in the Mastermind.
You can find out more atschoolforschoolcounselorscom.
(19:51):
Slash mastermind.
And before you go, I havesomething for you.
If you feel like handlingbehavior and behavior concerns
on your campus is just taking upway too much of your time, you
might need to look into mybehavior breakthrough kit.
Now we're just gauging interestin this kit, but it's looking
(20:13):
like it's going to be a thingjam-packed full of ready-to-use
strategies that help you toreduce disruptions, support
students more effectively andstop behavior issues before they
start spiraling out of control.
There are lots of things inhere, but the things I'm most
(20:35):
proud of are a new flow chart Ijust developed for Next Steps in
Behavior Support, where you canliterally start at the top of
the chart and work your waythrough.
Is this true, yes or no?
Then go to the next option Isthis true, yes or no?
And it's going to lead you toyour next best step.
(20:57):
The other thing that I'veincluded in this and again,
there's tons of stuff in thiskit is a decision tree for
dysregulation versus defiance.
How many times have you workedwith a student?
You've been called for themover and over again and you
can't help but think are theyreally this dysregulated or are
they playing me a little bit?
(21:18):
Have you ever had that niggleof doubt in the back of your
mind?
This decision tree is going tohelp you make that determination
, to the best of your knowledge.
It's a fantastic resource.
I've never seen anything likeit anywhere else and I'm going
to include it in the BehaviorBreakthrough Kit.
You can find out about all thecomponents in the kit by going
(21:40):
and signing up for the waitlist.
I will include a link to thewaitlist in the kit by going and
signing up for the wait list.
I will include a link to thewait list in the show notes here
.
Or you can go to the homepageschoolforschoolcounselorscom and
at the very top there will be aspot that you can click and
enter your information so thatyou are the first to know when
the Behavior Breakthrough Kit isreleased.
(22:01):
All right, I know this episodecovered a ton, but if there's
anything I want you to take awayfrom this episode, it's this
that when we define bullyingcorrectly, it helps us protect
the students who truly need ourhelp, and that when we teach
kids to handle conflict, wetruly empower them for life.
(22:24):
And, as a bonus, when we cancommunicate these differences
clearly, we're going to buildcredibility not only with
parents, but also with ouradministrators.
So if this episode helped youclarify those differences, help
me spread the word.
You can share this episode witha school counseling friend who
(22:45):
could use it, and you can alsohit subscribe in your podcast
player so that when the nextepisode comes out and spoiler
alert the next episode is goingto be focused on more behavior,
intervention tactics andstrategies You're going to be
first in line to receive all theawesomeness.
All right, I'll be back soonwith another episode of the
(23:09):
School for School Counselorspodcast and in the meantime, I
hope you have the best week.
Take care, my friend.
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