February 14, 2025 • 20 mins
Strong social connections are essential to our well-being, serving as a buffer against life's stresses and contributing to longevity. Guest host Sylvia Morrison shares strategies for building meaningful relationships and emphasizes the importance of forgiveness and kindness.
Learn how new activities and volunteer work can expand your social circles, and embrace technology as a tool to maintain cherished long-distance relationships.
Subscribe to the Speaking of Women's Health Podcast wherever you listen to podcasts.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:19):
Thank you.
Health, and I am happy to beback in the sunflower house.
I'd like to thank our executiveproducer, Lee Kleckar, and I am
so happy to introduce today aguest podcaster, Sylvia Morrison
.
Sylvia is a retired marketingexecutive and she's actually
(00:40):
worked on Speaking of Women'sHealth, and she's actually
worked on Speaking of Women'sHealth and she lives our motto
be strong, be healthy and be incharge.
This is not medical advice, butit's certainly edutainment and
it will help empower you, so Ihope you enjoy some excellent
(01:05):
information from Speaking ofWomen's Health.
Speaker 2 (01:06):
Welcome to the Speaking of Women's Health
podcast.
I'm your guest host for thisepisode, sylvia Morrison, and on
today's podcast episode, I'mgoing to be talking about the
importance of relationships andfriendships.
One of our guest columnists forSpeaking of Women's Health is
Dr Irina Todorov.
Dr Todorov is a family medicinephysician in the wellness and
(01:27):
preventive medicine departmentat Cleveland Clinic.
She wrote a column calledFeeling Socially Connected Might
Be More Important Than youThink, where she shared how
human connection is importantfor one's health.
A study published in 2010concluded that there is a 50%
increased likelihood of survivalfor participants with stronger
(01:48):
social relationships.
The lack of human connection canbe as harmful to your health as
obesity, smoking, alcoholconsumption and physical
activity.
What does it mean to besocially connected?
In general, being sociallyconnected is defined as feeling
close and connected to others.
(02:08):
It involves feeling loved,cared for and valued.
When you share a deep level ofinteraction or communication
with someone, you feel supportedto be your true self, no matter
what.
Having a few meaningfulrelationships is much more
valuable and beneficial to yourhealth than having many
superficial acquaintances.
(02:28):
Here are some tips to build ameaningful relationship.
Loneliness is not simply beingalone.
You can be lonely while livingin a big city, working in a
large company or even beingmarried.
Developing a deep connectionrequires a curiosity and
attitude of service.
Intention and action are keycomponents of building
(02:53):
meaningful relationships.
Here are some skills that mighthelp you develop new or deepen
existing relationships.
Number one listen attentively,without interruptions.
It's very important.
Two be fully present at theconversation and remove
distractions like answeringemails, phone messages or
watching TV.
Three seek to understand whatis important for the other
(03:18):
person and how you can help themgrow and achieve what is
important for them.
And four do things together.
The best relationships grow outof shared experiences.
Expand your circle of friends.
Challenge yourself to try newactivities like taking a cooking
class, joining an interestgroup or helping organize a
(03:38):
community or a neighborhoodevent.
Sign up for group physicalactivities like a dance class,
group, exercise or a hikinggroup.
Diversify the group of peopleyou meet on a regular basis.
Volunteer for a cause that youbelieve in.
In a four-year-long study,participants who volunteered 100
or more hours per year versuszero hours per year had a
(04:02):
reduced risk of mortality.
In addition, they had higherscores for physical activity,
positive effect, optimism andpurpose in life and lower scores
on presence of depressivesymptoms, hopelessness,
loneliness and physicalfunctioning limitations.
Choose a cause that ismeaningful to you and find a
(04:23):
volunteer opportunity that youbelieve will make a real
difference in someone's life.
I've been volunteering my wholelife and I find it so
incredibly gratifying.
Use technology for youradvantage, not disadvantage.
Don't allow physical distanceto prevent you from keeping up
with meaningful connections thatyou already have.
Keeping up with meaningfulconnections that you already
(04:46):
have.
Here are some ways I keepconnected with my family and
friends who live all over theplace via free video platforms
like Skype, facetime or WhatsApp.
Have dinner together with atopic discussion.
Cook with your mother if youcan Include relatives at
birthday parties and holidaycelebrations.
Play a game of chess or anygame you enjoy.
I especially like Monopoly.
Help with homework or a taskfor someone.
(05:11):
If you've recently moved,retired or just have more time
in your life for relationshipsand friendships.
Know that it is never too lateto start a healthy relationship
with yourself and others.
I'd like to share 10 tips onhow to start a healthy
relationship with friends andyourself that our experts at
Speaking of Women's Health haveput together for you.
(05:31):
One, first and above all beginwith self-love.
It's okay to humble brag, as welike to call it, a bit.
This isn't a selfish act, butmore a selfish act of
appreciation, joy and respect.
When you really like who youare, you can effectively share
your wholesome self with ahealthy-minded mate.
(05:53):
Two be sincere and upfront.
Be true to who you are.
You're valuable and youropinion does matter, so don't
mask your true feelings.
If someone doesn't know thereal you, they can never love
you for who you really are.
Three break old patterns ofunhealthy loving.
Make it a priority to empty outall emotional baggage of the
(06:14):
past so that you can travel witha new and healthy emotional set
of luggage from today on.
Four it's never too late toenjoy a soulmate.
Whether you're single ormarried, this holds true.
It doesn't matter what age youare.
You can always attract andmarry your very own ideal mate.
If you're already married, youcan rekindle the passion and joy
(06:36):
you felt during your courtship.
Five do not ignore but exploreyour differences.
Women and men do many thingsdifferently.
This can be fascinating orfrustrating, depending on how
you choose to look at it.
Choose to view it as afantastic challenge to learn
about the opposite sex.
Celebrate your differences byforming healthy platonic
(07:00):
friendships and really get toknow and like each other as
friends.
Six talk things out.
Communication is one of the keyingredients in healthy
relationships.
Don't assume that the otherperson knows what you're
thinking.
Always make room for healthyand rational discussions.
Seven set some time aside foryourself.
(07:21):
Sometimes we get so caught upin taking care of everyone else
that we forget to make room forour own needs.
Schedule at least 15 to 30minutes each day to pamper
yourself.
Indulge in a hobby you like,try something new or just relax
and replenish your spirit.
Reading always gives me thatwonderful feeling nothing like a
(07:41):
great book.
Reading always gives me thatwonderful feeling nothing like a
great book.
Eight if it doesn't fit, do notforce it.
Don't pretend or force yourselfto put up with any condition
that causes you discomfort.
You can agree to disagree in apositive manner.
This way, you'll never have tocontort yourself to fit into
someone else's expectation.
Nine practice the 3P formula,expectation Nine practice the 3P
(08:07):
formula penning, pacing andpraying.
Process your goals or feelingson paper by writing everything
down in a journal.
Pace yourself with enough timeto accomplish what you desire
and always pray through eachstep of the way.
Ten learn to laugh more.
Start focusing on the littlethings that bring joy to your
heart and a smile to your lips,your life will become more
enjoyable and your relationshipsmore pleasant and meaningful,
(08:29):
and they will thrive.
While we're on the subject ofbuilding healthy relationships
with yourself and others, thisis a good time to talk about
forgiving and letting go.
As we get older, certainrelationships can get strained
because of all sorts of factors.
Dr Morley says your heart istoo small to continue to carry
painful experiences in it, allbecause you refuse to forgive.
(08:52):
You should be tired of allowingpeople you haven't forgiven to
take up space in your mind freerent, as I like to call it.
It is probably more than pastthe time for you to let it go.
Let them go, forgive and live.
You will find freedom, relief,as well as inner and outer peace
when you give yourselfpermission to forgive.
(09:13):
Forgiving is a process.
Moving to a point of forgivinga friend or loved one for an
atrocity committed against youis predicated on the level of
the relationship that you hadwith him or her, as well as how
you define friendship and howyou define love, if there has
been a true relationship and atrue friendship with the person
you feel has betrayed you andthe relationship was seasoned
(09:35):
with love, forgiving that personis much more plausible.
Forgiving is a process, not anevent.
Here are several stepsnecessary for you to enact
forgiveness with the person orpersons you've been carrying in
your heart and in your mind.
Decide how extreme theunforgiving situation is or was,
and determine the damage doneto you and your loved ones.
(09:58):
Assess associated emotions thatare blocking you from forgiving
this person.
Assess how much the individualmeans to you.
Decide if the relationship isworth salvaging.
Do you even want to recover it?
Develop a written list of prosand cons about salvaging the
relationship.
Be honest with yourself anddecide if you can forgive, if
(10:20):
you want to forgive and if youcan let go.
Some people unknowingly revel inthe misery of not forgiving.
We all know someone like that.
Develop a list detailing whatit will take for you to forgive
the individual.
List what you need from him orher to forgive, including any
compromises.
Be reasonable, specific and notdemanding.
Practice saying I forgive youto him or her in your mirror.
(10:44):
Be willing to accept a sincereapology that starts with the
words I am sorry for.
Contact the person and arrangeto meet in a non-threatening and
non-territorial place.
Put your feelings of anger andangst aside, ready to listen and
be receptive.
Share with him or her theimpact the atrocity has had on
(11:07):
you, using I messages such as Iwas devastated, I felt betrayed,
I was disappointed.
Share your what will it take?
List with him or her.
Share what you need from him orher in order for you to forgive
them.
Share what you need from him orher in order for you to forgive
them if he or she is unwillingto meet your requested needs and
(11:28):
apologizes.
Move to the next step.
If not, end the meeting, moveon with your life and just let
it go.
Say the three words and mean itI forgive you.
Go a step further by saying Iforgive you and I'm willing to
let go and try to forget.
Agree to talk again, to beginto reestablish your relationship
(11:48):
.
It will never be the way it was, but this is always a place to
start from.
Dr Morley ends the articlesaying take a deep breath,
release and begin to feel theweights that have been lifted
from your mind, your heart andyour shoulders.
You have forgiven, you have letgo.
Good for you.
You're now free to pu.
(12:10):
Research has shown thatforgiveness is linked to better
mental health by reducing stressand anxiety and also lowering
physical ailments.
But knowing this doesn't makeforgiveness easy.
It's a process that can taketime and work.
While we're talking aboutletting go, how about saying no?
Do you catch yourself saying,yes, I can help with that, or
(12:32):
yes, I can do that for you a lot, and then you realize you've
put yourself in a situationwhere you have too much on your
plate.
So how can you say no withoutfeeling guilty?
Linda Larson, csp, wrote ahelpful article on
speakingofwomenshealthcomentitled how to Respectfully Say
no.
Linda is an internationalkeynote speaker and helps
(12:54):
individuals think strategicallyand communicate effectively.
Linda says there will always betimes in your personal and
professional life when you haveto say no to someone's request.
The challenge is how to do itwithout alienating them.
In fact, would it be possibleto say no to someone's request?
The challenge is how to do itwithout alienating them.
In fact, would it be possibleto say no and actually have the
person walk away appreciatingyou?
(13:14):
Linda believes it truly is hownot to say no.
Linda was in a small electronicstore the other day and watched
a woman try to return an item.
She started out fairlypleasantly, but no matter what
she said.
The store manager was curt,short and unsympathetic, without
any outward appearance ofcaring for her plight.
He flatly refused to honor herrequest, stating repeatedly that
(13:37):
she was past the 30-day returnperiod.
At one point she asked well,since you still carry this item,
could I exchange it forsomething of equal value?
The manager's nostrils flared,his lips tightened and one
eyebrow lifted sharply as hesnapped out Maybe I'm not making
myself clear.
You cannot return or exchangethis.
It's our policy.
(13:58):
The woman's frustration grew.
I'm a good customer of thisstore.
I can't believe you won't atleast let me exchange this item.
Linda watched in amazement asthe man sarcastically replied
and I'm sure we're happy thatyou're such a good customer, but
you cannot return this item.
She gathered her belongings andstomped out of the store,
proclaiming I'm never comingback to this store.
(14:21):
Linda thought to herself thatthis man could have declined her
request and kept a goodcustomer if he had simply acted
like he really wanted to helpher.
He could have said, with truecompassion and understanding
things like I know, this is veryfrustrating.
I'm sure I'd feel the same wayexactly if I were you.
I am so very sorry.
If there was anything at allthat I could do, believe me I
(14:45):
would.
He could have actually said toher you know, I called our home
office before and asked them tobend the rules, and they always
say no, but why don't I tryagain?
Then he could have either madethe call or not, but what she
would have gotten was how muchthis man did want to help her.
As simple and logical as thisseems, here's why most of us
(15:06):
have a problem actually doingthis.
We love being right, that theother person is wrong for asking
for it, ever it is they'reasking for, and somehow we feel
that if we show compassion fortheir plight, we're telling them
that they are right for asking.
Well, as they say, you can beright or you can be happy, pick
one.
Well, as they say, you can beright or you can be happy, pick
(15:28):
one.
Linda says here's the bottomline If you show people that you
truly care about them and theirneeds and that you hate having
to say no or regret having tosay no that's a line I like to
use.
I regret this To their requestyou win.
They'll walk away knowing that,even though you had to decline
their request, you triedeverything in your power to give
(15:49):
them what they wanted.
They will like you.
They will want to stay inrelationships with you, do
business with you and are muchmore likely to try and help you
when the tables are turned.
Did you ever have the kind ofday that made you wonder where
all the nice people went?
It was as if there was not asingle nice person left in the
world.
Vendors were cranky, yourco-workers were grumpy, even
(16:12):
your best friend was a littletesty.
What happened?
Was it something in the water?
Were the stars lined up wrong?
Linda Larson wrote anothergreat article on
speakingofwomenshealthcom calledhow to Get People to Be Nice.
She starts off saying well,there are times when we all get
a little crabby.
I do believe there is somethingwe can do to bring out the nice
(16:33):
in people.
Linda's Experience.
Linda shares a story thathappened to her a long time ago,
but it's an experience that shehas never forgotten.
She was driving along in thefast-moving left lane of a
four-lane highway in a ratherbusy section of town.
Her friend Kathy was with herand they were having a great
time laughing and talking asthey rode along.
(16:54):
Suddenly she noticed that theman in the lane to her right
started drifting over into herlane.
At first she thought he wouldjust drift back, but instead he
encroached further into her path.
She hit the horn to alert himto the error of his ways, but to
her chagrin her horn did notwork.
She started moving further toher left toward the oncoming
(17:15):
traffic lane.
He kept coming towards her.
Just about the time she washeading onto the median, he
noticed what he'd done and heswerved hastily back into his
lane.
Thank goodness, her heart wasin her throat.
She just knew that she wasgoing to die.
She was livid.
How could he be so stupid?
She couldn't wait until theygot to the first red light so
(17:36):
that she could tell him exactlywhat she thought of him.
As luck would have it, the verynext light was red.
As she started to slow down,she noticed that he was rolling
his window down.
She could not believe it.
Was he going to try to say thatshe had done something wrong?
Could he possibly be thatidiotic?
She was ready and gearing upfor a fight.
Kathy.
(17:56):
Linda snarled roll down yourwindow.
Yes, this was in the daysbefore electric windows.
Kathy looked pleadingly back atLinda and said oh Linda, you
don't want to do anything stupidhere.
Do you Just roll down yourwindow.
Linda replied through clenchedteeth.
About this time they arrived atthe light, both of their windows
were down and Linda was glaringfor all.
(18:18):
She was worth waiting to seewhat this man would say.
He took a breath and, with theutmost respect, said I am so
very, very sorry.
Linda felt like someone hadjust popped her balloon.
All that anger dissipated.
Why did he have to be so nicefor crying out loud?
Linda could not be mad at himif he was so darn nice.
(18:39):
So Linda kind of mumbledsomething along the lines of
well, that's okay, being nicefirst.
Afterward Linda startedthinking why was she being nice
to someone who was obviously inthe wrong?
The answer was clear it wasbecause he was so nice.
It was because he was honestand sincere and genuinely
apologetic.
(18:59):
She just couldn't be mean tosomeone so nice.
Linda says okay, that was along time ago, but the lesson
stays with me.
If we want more nice people inour lives, then we must be nice
first, and the graduate levelversion of this message includes
the following and we must benice first even when it would be
most justifiable to beotherwise.
(19:21):
Not easy, but very effective.
Random Acts of Kindness Week iscelebrated from February 14th to
February 20th annually, withFebruary 17th being National
Random Acts of Kindness Day.
Even one small act of kindnesscan mean a great deal to
somebody.
In such a busy world, it'simportant for us to constantly
(19:43):
be reminded to be kind to oneanother and to give others hope
whenever we can.
A small and random gesture ofkindness can go a long way.
It'll make you feel so good.
Thank you for listening to thisepisode of the Speaking of
Women's Health podcast.
If you don't already, pleasesubscribe to the Speaking of
Women's Health podcast whereveryou listen to your podcasts, to
(20:04):
the Speaking of Women's Healthpodcast wherever you listen to
your podcasts.
We hope you enjoyed this newepisode.
Remember be strong, be healthy,be in charge.
Speaker 1 (20:15):
Well, thanks for listening.
You have been listening to theSpeaking of Women's Health
podcast and I'm Dr Holly Thacker.
If you've enjoyed this episodeand you wanna help support our
podcast, please share it withothers and you can donate to our
nonprofit onspeakingofwomenshealthcom.
(20:36):
You could also leave us afive-star rating and review and,
to catch all the latest from us, you can subscribe to this
podcast anywhere you catchpodcasts.
Thanks for joining us at theSunflower House and we'll see
you next time.
Thank you.
Health, and I am happy to beback in the sunflower house.
I'd like to thank our executiveproducer, Lee Kleckar, and I am
so happy to introduce today aguest podcaster, Sylvia Morrison
.
Sylvia is a retired marketingexecutive and she's actually
(00:40):
worked on Speaking of Women'sHealth, and she's actually
worked on Speaking of Women'sHealth and she lives our motto
be strong, be healthy and be incharge.
This is not medical advice, butit's certainly edutainment and
it will help empower you, so Ihope you enjoy some excellent
(01:05):
information from Speaking ofWomen's Health.
Speaker 2 (01:06):
Welcome to the Speaking of Women's Health
podcast.
I'm your guest host for thisepisode, sylvia Morrison, and on
today's podcast episode, I'mgoing to be talking about the
importance of relationships andfriendships.
One of our guest columnists forSpeaking of Women's Health is
Dr Irina Todorov.
Dr Todorov is a family medicinephysician in the wellness and
(01:27):
preventive medicine departmentat Cleveland Clinic.
She wrote a column calledFeeling Socially Connected Might
Be More Important Than youThink, where she shared how
human connection is importantfor one's health.
A study published in 2010concluded that there is a 50%
increased likelihood of survivalfor participants with stronger
(01:48):
social relationships.
The lack of human connection canbe as harmful to your health as
obesity, smoking, alcoholconsumption and physical
activity.
What does it mean to besocially connected?
In general, being sociallyconnected is defined as feeling
close and connected to others.
(02:08):
It involves feeling loved,cared for and valued.
When you share a deep level ofinteraction or communication
with someone, you feel supportedto be your true self, no matter
what.
Having a few meaningfulrelationships is much more
valuable and beneficial to yourhealth than having many
superficial acquaintances.
(02:28):
Here are some tips to build ameaningful relationship.
Loneliness is not simply beingalone.
You can be lonely while livingin a big city, working in a
large company or even beingmarried.
Developing a deep connectionrequires a curiosity and
attitude of service.
Intention and action are keycomponents of building
(02:53):
meaningful relationships.
Here are some skills that mighthelp you develop new or deepen
existing relationships.
Number one listen attentively,without interruptions.
It's very important.
Two be fully present at theconversation and remove
distractions like answeringemails, phone messages or
watching TV.
Three seek to understand whatis important for the other
(03:18):
person and how you can help themgrow and achieve what is
important for them.
And four do things together.
The best relationships grow outof shared experiences.
Expand your circle of friends.
Challenge yourself to try newactivities like taking a cooking
class, joining an interestgroup or helping organize a
(03:38):
community or a neighborhoodevent.
Sign up for group physicalactivities like a dance class,
group, exercise or a hikinggroup.
Diversify the group of peopleyou meet on a regular basis.
Volunteer for a cause that youbelieve in.
In a four-year-long study,participants who volunteered 100
or more hours per year versuszero hours per year had a
(04:02):
reduced risk of mortality.
In addition, they had higherscores for physical activity,
positive effect, optimism andpurpose in life and lower scores
on presence of depressivesymptoms, hopelessness,
loneliness and physicalfunctioning limitations.
Choose a cause that ismeaningful to you and find a
(04:23):
volunteer opportunity that youbelieve will make a real
difference in someone's life.
I've been volunteering my wholelife and I find it so
incredibly gratifying.
Use technology for youradvantage, not disadvantage.
Don't allow physical distanceto prevent you from keeping up
with meaningful connections thatyou already have.
Keeping up with meaningfulconnections that you already
(04:46):
have.
Here are some ways I keepconnected with my family and
friends who live all over theplace via free video platforms
like Skype, facetime or WhatsApp.
Have dinner together with atopic discussion.
Cook with your mother if youcan Include relatives at
birthday parties and holidaycelebrations.
Play a game of chess or anygame you enjoy.
I especially like Monopoly.
Help with homework or a taskfor someone.
(05:11):
If you've recently moved,retired or just have more time
in your life for relationshipsand friendships.
Know that it is never too lateto start a healthy relationship
with yourself and others.
I'd like to share 10 tips onhow to start a healthy
relationship with friends andyourself that our experts at
Speaking of Women's Health haveput together for you.
(05:31):
One, first and above all beginwith self-love.
It's okay to humble brag, as welike to call it, a bit.
This isn't a selfish act, butmore a selfish act of
appreciation, joy and respect.
When you really like who youare, you can effectively share
your wholesome self with ahealthy-minded mate.
(05:53):
Two be sincere and upfront.
Be true to who you are.
You're valuable and youropinion does matter, so don't
mask your true feelings.
If someone doesn't know thereal you, they can never love
you for who you really are.
Three break old patterns ofunhealthy loving.
Make it a priority to empty outall emotional baggage of the
(06:14):
past so that you can travel witha new and healthy emotional set
of luggage from today on.
Four it's never too late toenjoy a soulmate.
Whether you're single ormarried, this holds true.
It doesn't matter what age youare.
You can always attract andmarry your very own ideal mate.
If you're already married, youcan rekindle the passion and joy
(06:36):
you felt during your courtship.
Five do not ignore but exploreyour differences.
Women and men do many thingsdifferently.
This can be fascinating orfrustrating, depending on how
you choose to look at it.
Choose to view it as afantastic challenge to learn
about the opposite sex.
Celebrate your differences byforming healthy platonic
(07:00):
friendships and really get toknow and like each other as
friends.
Six talk things out.
Communication is one of the keyingredients in healthy
relationships.
Don't assume that the otherperson knows what you're
thinking.
Always make room for healthyand rational discussions.
Seven set some time aside foryourself.
(07:21):
Sometimes we get so caught upin taking care of everyone else
that we forget to make room forour own needs.
Schedule at least 15 to 30minutes each day to pamper
yourself.
Indulge in a hobby you like,try something new or just relax
and replenish your spirit.
Reading always gives me thatwonderful feeling nothing like a
(07:41):
great book.
Reading always gives me thatwonderful feeling nothing like a
great book.
Eight if it doesn't fit, do notforce it.
Don't pretend or force yourselfto put up with any condition
that causes you discomfort.
You can agree to disagree in apositive manner.
This way, you'll never have tocontort yourself to fit into
someone else's expectation.
Nine practice the 3P formula,expectation Nine practice the 3P
(08:07):
formula penning, pacing andpraying.
Process your goals or feelingson paper by writing everything
down in a journal.
Pace yourself with enough timeto accomplish what you desire
and always pray through eachstep of the way.
Ten learn to laugh more.
Start focusing on the littlethings that bring joy to your
heart and a smile to your lips,your life will become more
enjoyable and your relationshipsmore pleasant and meaningful,
(08:29):
and they will thrive.
While we're on the subject ofbuilding healthy relationships
with yourself and others, thisis a good time to talk about
forgiving and letting go.
As we get older, certainrelationships can get strained
because of all sorts of factors.
Dr Morley says your heart istoo small to continue to carry
painful experiences in it, allbecause you refuse to forgive.
(08:52):
You should be tired of allowingpeople you haven't forgiven to
take up space in your mind freerent, as I like to call it.
It is probably more than pastthe time for you to let it go.
Let them go, forgive and live.
You will find freedom, relief,as well as inner and outer peace
when you give yourselfpermission to forgive.
(09:13):
Forgiving is a process.
Moving to a point of forgivinga friend or loved one for an
atrocity committed against youis predicated on the level of
the relationship that you hadwith him or her, as well as how
you define friendship and howyou define love, if there has
been a true relationship and atrue friendship with the person
you feel has betrayed you andthe relationship was seasoned
(09:35):
with love, forgiving that personis much more plausible.
Forgiving is a process, not anevent.
Here are several stepsnecessary for you to enact
forgiveness with the person orpersons you've been carrying in
your heart and in your mind.
Decide how extreme theunforgiving situation is or was,
and determine the damage doneto you and your loved ones.
(09:58):
Assess associated emotions thatare blocking you from forgiving
this person.
Assess how much the individualmeans to you.
Decide if the relationship isworth salvaging.
Do you even want to recover it?
Develop a written list of prosand cons about salvaging the
relationship.
Be honest with yourself anddecide if you can forgive, if
(10:20):
you want to forgive and if youcan let go.
Some people unknowingly revel inthe misery of not forgiving.
We all know someone like that.
Develop a list detailing whatit will take for you to forgive
the individual.
List what you need from him orher to forgive, including any
compromises.
Be reasonable, specific and notdemanding.
Practice saying I forgive youto him or her in your mirror.
(10:44):
Be willing to accept a sincereapology that starts with the
words I am sorry for.
Contact the person and arrangeto meet in a non-threatening and
non-territorial place.
Put your feelings of anger andangst aside, ready to listen and
be receptive.
Share with him or her theimpact the atrocity has had on
(11:07):
you, using I messages such as Iwas devastated, I felt betrayed,
I was disappointed.
Share your what will it take?
List with him or her.
Share what you need from him orher in order for you to forgive
them.
Share what you need from him orher in order for you to forgive
them if he or she is unwillingto meet your requested needs and
(11:28):
apologizes.
Move to the next step.
If not, end the meeting, moveon with your life and just let
it go.
Say the three words and mean itI forgive you.
Go a step further by saying Iforgive you and I'm willing to
let go and try to forget.
Agree to talk again, to beginto reestablish your relationship
(11:48):
.
It will never be the way it was, but this is always a place to
start from.
Dr Morley ends the articlesaying take a deep breath,
release and begin to feel theweights that have been lifted
from your mind, your heart andyour shoulders.
You have forgiven, you have letgo.
Good for you.
You're now free to pu.
(12:10):
Research has shown thatforgiveness is linked to better
mental health by reducing stressand anxiety and also lowering
physical ailments.
But knowing this doesn't makeforgiveness easy.
It's a process that can taketime and work.
While we're talking aboutletting go, how about saying no?
Do you catch yourself saying,yes, I can help with that, or
(12:32):
yes, I can do that for you a lot, and then you realize you've
put yourself in a situationwhere you have too much on your
plate.
So how can you say no withoutfeeling guilty?
Linda Larson, csp, wrote ahelpful article on
speakingofwomenshealthcomentitled how to Respectfully Say
no.
Linda is an internationalkeynote speaker and helps
(12:54):
individuals think strategicallyand communicate effectively.
Linda says there will always betimes in your personal and
professional life when you haveto say no to someone's request.
The challenge is how to do itwithout alienating them.
In fact, would it be possibleto say no to someone's request?
The challenge is how to do itwithout alienating them.
In fact, would it be possibleto say no and actually have the
person walk away appreciatingyou?
(13:14):
Linda believes it truly is hownot to say no.
Linda was in a small electronicstore the other day and watched
a woman try to return an item.
She started out fairlypleasantly, but no matter what
she said.
The store manager was curt,short and unsympathetic, without
any outward appearance ofcaring for her plight.
He flatly refused to honor herrequest, stating repeatedly that
(13:37):
she was past the 30-day returnperiod.
At one point she asked well,since you still carry this item,
could I exchange it forsomething of equal value?
The manager's nostrils flared,his lips tightened and one
eyebrow lifted sharply as hesnapped out Maybe I'm not making
myself clear.
You cannot return or exchangethis.
It's our policy.
(13:58):
The woman's frustration grew.
I'm a good customer of thisstore.
I can't believe you won't atleast let me exchange this item.
Linda watched in amazement asthe man sarcastically replied
and I'm sure we're happy thatyou're such a good customer, but
you cannot return this item.
She gathered her belongings andstomped out of the store,
proclaiming I'm never comingback to this store.
(14:21):
Linda thought to herself thatthis man could have declined her
request and kept a goodcustomer if he had simply acted
like he really wanted to helpher.
He could have said, with truecompassion and understanding
things like I know, this is veryfrustrating.
I'm sure I'd feel the same wayexactly if I were you.
I am so very sorry.
If there was anything at allthat I could do, believe me I
(14:45):
would.
He could have actually said toher you know, I called our home
office before and asked them tobend the rules, and they always
say no, but why don't I tryagain?
Then he could have either madethe call or not, but what she
would have gotten was how muchthis man did want to help her.
As simple and logical as thisseems, here's why most of us
(15:06):
have a problem actually doingthis.
We love being right, that theother person is wrong for asking
for it, ever it is they'reasking for, and somehow we feel
that if we show compassion fortheir plight, we're telling them
that they are right for asking.
Well, as they say, you can beright or you can be happy, pick
one.
Well, as they say, you can beright or you can be happy, pick
(15:28):
one.
Linda says here's the bottomline If you show people that you
truly care about them and theirneeds and that you hate having
to say no or regret having tosay no that's a line I like to
use.
I regret this To their requestyou win.
They'll walk away knowing that,even though you had to decline
their request, you triedeverything in your power to give
(15:49):
them what they wanted.
They will like you.
They will want to stay inrelationships with you, do
business with you and are muchmore likely to try and help you
when the tables are turned.
Did you ever have the kind ofday that made you wonder where
all the nice people went?
It was as if there was not asingle nice person left in the
world.
Vendors were cranky, yourco-workers were grumpy, even
(16:12):
your best friend was a littletesty.
What happened?
Was it something in the water?
Were the stars lined up wrong?
Linda Larson wrote anothergreat article on
speakingofwomenshealthcom calledhow to Get People to Be Nice.
She starts off saying well,there are times when we all get
a little crabby.
I do believe there is somethingwe can do to bring out the nice
(16:33):
in people.
Linda's Experience.
Linda shares a story thathappened to her a long time ago,
but it's an experience that shehas never forgotten.
She was driving along in thefast-moving left lane of a
four-lane highway in a ratherbusy section of town.
Her friend Kathy was with herand they were having a great
time laughing and talking asthey rode along.
(16:54):
Suddenly she noticed that theman in the lane to her right
started drifting over into herlane.
At first she thought he wouldjust drift back, but instead he
encroached further into her path.
She hit the horn to alert himto the error of his ways, but to
her chagrin her horn did notwork.
She started moving further toher left toward the oncoming
(17:15):
traffic lane.
He kept coming towards her.
Just about the time she washeading onto the median, he
noticed what he'd done and heswerved hastily back into his
lane.
Thank goodness, her heart wasin her throat.
She just knew that she wasgoing to die.
She was livid.
How could he be so stupid?
She couldn't wait until theygot to the first red light so
(17:36):
that she could tell him exactlywhat she thought of him.
As luck would have it, the verynext light was red.
As she started to slow down,she noticed that he was rolling
his window down.
She could not believe it.
Was he going to try to say thatshe had done something wrong?
Could he possibly be thatidiotic?
She was ready and gearing upfor a fight.
Kathy.
(17:56):
Linda snarled roll down yourwindow.
Yes, this was in the daysbefore electric windows.
Kathy looked pleadingly back atLinda and said oh Linda, you
don't want to do anything stupidhere.
Do you Just roll down yourwindow.
Linda replied through clenchedteeth.
About this time they arrived atthe light, both of their windows
were down and Linda was glaringfor all.
(18:18):
She was worth waiting to seewhat this man would say.
He took a breath and, with theutmost respect, said I am so
very, very sorry.
Linda felt like someone hadjust popped her balloon.
All that anger dissipated.
Why did he have to be so nicefor crying out loud?
Linda could not be mad at himif he was so darn nice.
(18:39):
So Linda kind of mumbledsomething along the lines of
well, that's okay, being nicefirst.
Afterward Linda startedthinking why was she being nice
to someone who was obviously inthe wrong?
The answer was clear it wasbecause he was so nice.
It was because he was honestand sincere and genuinely
apologetic.
(18:59):
She just couldn't be mean tosomeone so nice.
Linda says okay, that was along time ago, but the lesson
stays with me.
If we want more nice people inour lives, then we must be nice
first, and the graduate levelversion of this message includes
the following and we must benice first even when it would be
most justifiable to beotherwise.
(19:21):
Not easy, but very effective.
Random Acts of Kindness Week iscelebrated from February 14th to
February 20th annually, withFebruary 17th being National
Random Acts of Kindness Day.
Even one small act of kindnesscan mean a great deal to
somebody.
In such a busy world, it'simportant for us to constantly
(19:43):
be reminded to be kind to oneanother and to give others hope
whenever we can.
A small and random gesture ofkindness can go a long way.
It'll make you feel so good.
Thank you for listening to thisepisode of the Speaking of
Women's Health podcast.
If you don't already, pleasesubscribe to the Speaking of
Women's Health podcast whereveryou listen to your podcasts, to
(20:04):
the Speaking of Women's Healthpodcast wherever you listen to
your podcasts.
We hope you enjoyed this newepisode.
Remember be strong, be healthy,be in charge.
Speaker 1 (20:15):
Well, thanks for listening.
You have been listening to theSpeaking of Women's Health
podcast and I'm Dr Holly Thacker.
If you've enjoyed this episodeand you wanna help support our
podcast, please share it withothers and you can donate to our
nonprofit onspeakingofwomenshealthcom.
(20:36):
You could also leave us afive-star rating and review and,
to catch all the latest from us, you can subscribe to this
podcast anywhere you catchpodcasts.
Thanks for joining us at theSunflower House and we'll see
you next time.
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