October 15, 2025 • 38 mins
What happens when your parents protect their marriage like it’s a living, breathing thing—and you’re the kid on the other side of the doorknob? We invite our daughter Lily home from college to talk candidly about growing up in a marriage-first home: the Friday date nights, the weekends away, the moments that felt lonely, and the rituals that made her feel chosen. Her reflections are warm, honest, and surprising—especially when she describes how boundaries and trust became the real glue.
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Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_00 (00:04):
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast.
We are Brad and Kate.
SPEAKER_03 (00:10):
In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've
survived both dark times andexperienced restoration.
SPEAKER_00 (00:15):
Now, as a licensed marriage counselor and
relationship coaches, we helpcouples to regain hope and joy.
SPEAKER_03 (00:23):
We invite you to journey with us as we are still
becoming one.
SPEAKER_00 (00:27):
Let's start the conversation.
SPEAKER_01 (00:30):
Hello everyone.
Welcome back to Still BecomingOne.
SPEAKER_03 (00:33):
Welcome back.
So Yeah.
We're podcasting at night.
Not that everybody would knowthat.
And we have a really fun,exciting guest with us today.
SPEAKER_01 (00:46):
Yay!
SPEAKER_03 (00:47):
It's Lily.
SPEAKER_01 (00:51):
So for everyone listening who doesn't know who
Lily is.
SPEAKER_03 (00:54):
Our middle daughter who went off to college for the
first time a couple months ago.
And it's home because shedecided she still likes us.
So she came home for a littlevisit.
Lucky us.
And we invited her to come chatwith us about growing up in our
home and in the middle of ourmarriage, since most of our
(01:15):
podcasts are about marriage.
Welcome, Lily.
Thank you.
(01:36):
Cool.
Awesome.
What's the thing that mostsurprised you?
SPEAKER_04 (01:41):
Um probably that I was actually like ready for
college.
I at the end of high school waslike doubting that I was even
ready to like go into a morerigorous like learning um style
and things like that.
But I feel like I fit in prettywell with like my classmates.
(02:04):
And so yeah.
Very cool.
Awesome.
SPEAKER_03 (02:08):
Well, we're glad, believe it or not, we miss you a
ton, but we're glad you'reloving it.
SPEAKER_01 (02:12):
Yeah, absolutely.
SPEAKER_03 (02:13):
So yeah, so we wanted to have a similar
conversation with you, and whynot have it with a lot of people
listening?
Um, just kidding.
About yeah, what it was likegrowing up with us as your
parents.
And we encourage Lily to behonest, she can share the the
goods, the bads, the whateverelse.
SPEAKER_01 (02:33):
Um yeah, so for most of Lily's life, for pretty much
all of Lily's life, we had beenvery marriage positive and
intentional on trying to figureout like marriage being a
priority.
SPEAKER_03 (02:50):
Sure.
So a little different than ouroldest.
Sure.
SPEAKER_01 (02:54):
And you know, that certainly does have some
consequences, right?
Like there were absolutely timesthat we prioritized time, the
two of us, that did not includeyou.
SPEAKER_03 (03:10):
Oh any any of the kids, any of the kids.
Any of the kids, we didn't justexclude Lily.
SPEAKER_01 (03:16):
I'm curious like what that was like for you
growing up.
How did you recognize it?
What did you see, and what wasthat like?
SPEAKER_04 (03:25):
I mean, I mean, I never really felt like you were
like excluding me.
Like, obviously, if I neededsomething, you were always
there.
Um, and there are multiple timesthat like your date nights on
Fridays you would skip because Ihad something that you would
come to.
So it's not like you like didn'tcome to like my shows or
(03:47):
something because you had datenight, but um, yeah, I mean I
always told people like atschool, like, oh, Friday nights
I'm free because like my parentsaren't doing anything.
Like my parents have datenights, so I'm not doing
anything.
SPEAKER_01 (04:01):
Like, but what about even younger?
So in high school, when you hadsome freedom, I think there was
definitely a place where youwere able to be like, okay,
yeah, I'm gonna go out withfriends because I know they were
not doing anything family oranything like that.
What about like younger?
When you were in like elementaryschool and stuff, when you had
(04:23):
lots of babysitters, or even momand I would be intentional in
going away for a weekend.
I'm curious what that was like.
SPEAKER_03 (04:31):
And like the weekend one that might that might get
her.
She was yeah, she was ahomebody.
SPEAKER_04 (04:37):
I did not like when you guys went away.
Um, but that was me.
Also, like having my brotherstake care of me sometimes wasn't
my favorite thing.
Or my grandparents.
Um, yeah, I don't know.
Like, I kind of didn't like whenyou guys went away for a lot of
times for like longer periods oftimes.
(04:58):
I didn't mind the Friday nightstuff because like I knew you
were sometimes you were even inthe house, but just we weren't
allowed to bother you.
Um but when you would guys wouldgo, when you guys would go away
for like weeks or a weekend, um,especially when I was younger, I
didn't really enjoy that.
I I'm definitely a homebody andlike love spending time with you
(05:20):
guys, so that was something thatI didn't like as much and had to
learn to be okay with.
SPEAKER_01 (05:29):
Um what do you what do you remember feeling about
those trips?
Like, because we usually, whenyou were younger, tried to
coincide it alongside somethingthat you got to do.
Something somewhat fun, or youknow, something like that.
SPEAKER_04 (05:46):
Like like we were going on vacation, like going
camping or whatever.
SPEAKER_01 (05:51):
Camping, or you'd go, you know, somewhere, you
know, other times it was agrandparent coming to stay at
the house and we would go away.
I'm just curious, like, yeah,what what you thought about
that?
SPEAKER_04 (06:05):
Um, I think the times that like we would go
camping.
Did you guys even tell us thatyou were like going somewhere
else?
SPEAKER_02 (06:14):
I don't know.
SPEAKER_03 (06:15):
I think if we I don't remember if you did or we
did.
We communicate, we were alwaysbig on communicating with you.
We didn't want you guys to feellike we kept something from you.
So if you were going campingwith Grammy and Grampy and we
were using that opportunity togo away, you guys knew we were.
SPEAKER_02 (06:30):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (06:31):
So but I wasn't sure you said we always planned
something or something for themto do.
I wasn't not always okay.
You meant like camping or stuff,gotcha.
SPEAKER_04 (06:40):
Because I distinctly like remember like with camping
and stuff, like being okay withit because I had my brothers,
but um more when it was like mygrandparents coming over here,
my brothers were still here, butit felt different because like
you guys weren't at home, right?
Um, something different aboutlike being in a place like where
(07:02):
you guys should have been, butyou weren't.
Um, like I guess not unsettledme, but made me like anxious.
SPEAKER_01 (07:11):
Yeah.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (07:13):
And I think our our attunement level to you, Lil,
was different than grandparents.
SPEAKER_01 (07:20):
Oh, for sure.
SPEAKER_03 (07:21):
Which is somewhat understandable, but also like we
just yeah, we were able to kindof uh most times know where you
were at and like how you werefeeling.
And I think grandparents didn'talways like they weren't able to
meet you in the same way, kindof thing.
SPEAKER_01 (07:38):
Would you say you understood or could say why we
were going away?
SPEAKER_04 (07:48):
I mean, definitely when I was in high school, like
I could understand that.
I hope so.
Um I hope so.
Um, when I was younger, like Iunderstood that you wanted to
spend time together, but I thinkwhat I questioned was why we
couldn't be spending the timewith you.
Oh like that's so sweet.
Oh, stop.
(08:09):
Um, but like I was like, they'regoing away, but like, why can't
I come with?
Like, not even Ken, like noteven my brothers, like, you
don't need to take me.
Just take me.
SPEAKER_03 (08:22):
Like, I love that.
SPEAKER_01 (08:24):
But at and at what point did you maybe get the
message or it was there a timethat it clicked that we were
that it was unusual, that we asparents were prioritizing time
together, and that wasn'tsomething you saw or heard
about?
SPEAKER_04 (08:44):
Um, I would say like, because I went to private
school for a while.
So like a lot of those kids hadparents that were married, so
that wasn't unusual then.
But then when I moved to publicschool, I would say I start
started realizing that lessparents were together, um, like
in total, and even sometimesweren't even married at all,
(09:07):
like we're just living together,like whatever.
And you know, I don't think Ireally realized like why you
guys were prioritizing timetogether until like probably
middle school.
Like, I saw the differences inelementary school, but I didn't
really see like the reason whyuntil later.
SPEAKER_03 (09:25):
Um well, in middle school too, we went through
COVID, and I remember dad and Ihaving to transition from like,
okay, we're gonna do a datenight at middle school too, was
when you guys were able to wefelt like you, as the older
three, were old enough, becausethat would have been when M, our
youngest, came in too.
We're old enough to stay homealone, right?
So we didn't have to worry aboutbabysitters anymore.
(09:47):
But then COVID threw a wrenchknit and we had to do date
nights in the house and be like,go find something else to do, go
entertain yourselves.
SPEAKER_01 (09:56):
That's when we made the doorknob or doorknob sign
that said, like, we love you,but get out of here.
Do not just go away or somethinglike that.
SPEAKER_03 (10:05):
But I think that probably coincides with middle
school for you, Lil, of likekind of it becoming more clear.
SPEAKER_01 (10:12):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (10:13):
Yeah.
So yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (10:17):
I that and I think that's an interesting thing.
You know, when we're workingwith couples all the time, I
think one of the things that wehear most often is that it's
kids' responsibilities, if notkids' activities, that keep
parents from doing stufftogether.
(10:38):
That they're prioritizing timewith their kids one way or
another over marriage.
And I, you know, obviously, Ihope that we still prioritize
time with you at some points,but you know, we're sitting here
talking about like what it waslike for you to see that we
prioritize time together.
(10:59):
I I'm curious, like, yeah, doyou think that was a positive
overall?
Did it hurt you in some ways?
Like, whatever.
And you know, we can we couldhear whatever.
I'm sure there are things thatyou didn't like about it, too.
SPEAKER_03 (11:15):
Yeah, Ian said she wanted to, why couldn't she come
with?
SPEAKER_04 (11:18):
Why couldn't I come with?
That was definitely when I wasyounger.
It was like, why couldn't I comewith?
Um, because I just wanted to bearound you guys all the time.
SPEAKER_02 (11:25):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_04 (11:25):
Um, not that I didn't like my brothers, which I
very much did, but you know, Ijust wanted to be around you
guys because I loved like youguys so much.
Um, still do, by the way.
Um thanks for the clarification.
You're welcome, you're welcome.
SPEAKER_03 (11:42):
Um you can tell where Skip the snark from, guys.
SPEAKER_04 (11:46):
I would say that I thought I was fine pretty much a
lot of the time.
Like sometimes you guys wouldmiss uh tennis matches for stuff
where even and and date nightand stuff, and I was fine with
that because like you guys wouldcome to other ones and obviously
(12:07):
the away ones like you weren'tcoming to, which is totally
fine.
Um, I think the only time that Ikind of felt like a little like
I don't want to say butthurtabout it, but like um a little
like salty that you guys wereaway was the one time you were
on the cruise and you missed myhomecoming.
SPEAKER_02 (12:26):
Yes.
SPEAKER_04 (12:27):
Yeah.
Yep.
SPEAKER_03 (12:28):
Wait, we were on a cruise.
We were pay we were working.
SPEAKER_02 (12:31):
We were.
SPEAKER_03 (12:32):
Yeah, you were working.
SPEAKER_04 (12:34):
Make it like yeah, you have to do it.
SPEAKER_01 (12:37):
And and also the cruise was scheduled first.
Yeah, we didn't we didn't knowthat homecoming was then we had
to go.
SPEAKER_04 (12:46):
And we'd already blame you for doing work or
whatever.
But like I wished you werethere.
And like I know I went over tomy best friend's house, and like
they're like a family to me, soit was fine.
SPEAKER_03 (12:55):
But um, you know, that was a series of unfortunate
events, yeah.
SPEAKER_04 (13:00):
And that was something that I was like kind
of bummed that you couldn't bethere for.
Yeah, I think that was my tenthgrade.
Yeah, was that 11th grade?
I don't remember.
SPEAKER_03 (13:08):
No, but I think it was 10th grade.
Yeah, I don't remember.
I don't remember now that I hearthat.
Wait, before, but I think weshould pause here, guys, because
this is what we do.
Like, you know, you have kids,this is what we do.
Lily, and we should probablyunpack.
Lily and I were out earlierrunning an errand, and she used
this expression butthurt, and Iwas like, what is this
(13:29):
expression?
It's apparently a newexpression.
And I was like, Well, it's thefirst time I've heard it.
Oh, now you're gonna make melook old.
It's new to me.
How long's it been out?
SPEAKER_04 (13:43):
I don't know.
SPEAKER_03 (13:44):
Okay, and butthurt means like that you just don't
feel great about it.
Like, okay.
So I got butthurt about that.
Okay.
Okay.
Um now she's sad because I'lluse it all the time and she'll
be like, Mom, stop.
Darn it.
You're gonna be butthurt aboutit.
SPEAKER_01 (14:03):
Would how would you say, if if at all, did your
friends ever comment aboutthings about us doing marriage
ministry or us doing marriagethings or any of that kind of
stuff?
Did your friends recognize anyof those things?
SPEAKER_03 (14:22):
Were we annoying?
SPEAKER_04 (14:24):
Um so um my whole friend group has parents who
have happy marriages.
I was gonna say, you have aunique group of friends now with
uh one of my friends, their momdidn't have one in the
beginning, but now is in one, areally good marriage.
(14:45):
So either way, they're all inhappy marriages now.
Um so my immediate friend group,no.
Um which is Do you think there'sany connection there?
SPEAKER_01 (14:58):
Just saying.
SPEAKER_04 (15:00):
I don't know.
SPEAKER_01 (15:01):
That Lily that you gravitated to other people that
had secure parent relationships.
SPEAKER_04 (15:08):
Yeah, but there have been people who didn't sure of
course my one friend.
Um her parents are divorced, andand you know, we've been friends
for since elementary school.
Um I thought like sometimes Ididn't I didn't understand what
she was going through, shedidn't understand what I was
going through.
Like it it was a difficultrelationship to have,
(15:30):
definitely, because we didn'treally understand like each
other's life.
Um her parents separated whenshe was quite young, so it kind
of was very different for usgrowing up.
Um I wouldn't say that likepeople would just like come up
to me and talk about it.
Um, I mean, when I people askedme what my parents did, I would
(15:53):
just say they're counselors.
Like I wouldn't really say liketheir marriage and family
counselors unless people askmore questions.
Um and then if people did ask,I'd be fine with telling them.
Uh definitely in focus, my club,that was like for Christians.
A lot of people would askquestions about it.
Um, whether you guys likesupported premarital or
(16:17):
whatever, like questions becauseChristians want to know these
things, I guess.
SPEAKER_03 (16:23):
Um you you had you've made several comments
though that people peers wouldthink because how have you said
it?
Because we were married, yeah.
SPEAKER_04 (16:42):
Gotcha.
Okay.
I I felt that pressure, not thatsaying like anybody came up to
me and was like saying, Oh, yourlife must be perfect, like that
never happened.
It was just like if I evermentioned anything that was
wrong in my life, people wouldgo, Well, at least your parents
are married.
(17:02):
Like, and I'm like, Okay, yes,like thank thank God for that.
Like, I'm very happy about that,but like also my feelings should
be validated that sure, likesomething else is happening,
whatever it was, like right,right, yeah, yeah, I get that.
So I think like in high schoolat least, since there's this big
(17:24):
like thing about divorce and alland separation of parents and
whatever, it's a big part ofpeople's lives.
It's an automatic thought thatlike if your parents are married
that you have an easy life.
SPEAKER_03 (17:38):
Do you think it I'm curious if you think it could be
that the support is there?
That they assume you have allthe support you need, or life is
Yeah, maybe.
SPEAKER_04 (17:50):
I don't know.
Yeah, I think it got even morereinforced that I could have
this perfect life because Iwould say like that you guys
were happily married.
SPEAKER_03 (18:00):
Rude.
SPEAKER_04 (18:01):
Because like there there are marriages where people
are not happy, right?
Obviously, but um when I wouldsay like my parents are in love
and they're very happy with eachother, and like they go on date
nights every Friday, and likeall this stuff, people would
think that like automatically myhome life and my my childhood
was perfect.
Like interesting, like though mychildhood was amazing, and I'm
(18:23):
very grateful for those years.
It's like there things happen,like right.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (18:28):
Well, and I and we can honor our family was through
your high school years andmiddle school years going
through some really hard stuff.
So I can see how that would behard if they're assuming that.
And then it feels like there'skind of no place or safe space,
other than I know you're yourquad, you're a really good group
(18:49):
of friends.
You could and we love them.
They're amazing, they're alllike they're all like family,
but it would make you feel like,oh, because my parents everybody
assumes this, I can't reallyshare what's health is this one.
SPEAKER_02 (19:02):
Yeah, right.
SPEAKER_03 (19:02):
And it almost also could make it like, well, why is
that happening if your family,your parents are so great?
It doesn't make everything.
SPEAKER_04 (19:10):
And the quad was really the only people in my
life who knew the totality oflike what was going on.
Um so like they understood uhthat my life was most definitely
not perfect and that I struggledwith many things throughout high
school, sure, mainly anxiety andand all that stuff.
Um, but like, you know, it wasjust like even my one friend who
(19:33):
had divorced parents, she oftenwould be like, Well, your
parents are married, like, butthen she kind of figured out
like what was going on in mylife, and and she rethought her
her her what she said before.
So sorry.
SPEAKER_01 (19:50):
So we kind of started with this idea that one
of the consequences of us havinga a marriage, positive marriage,
was time, right?
That it's taking away some time.
What would from yourperspective, what are the
consequences, either positive ornegative consequences?
SPEAKER_04 (20:14):
Um a positive is that every time that we would be
together, I knew that it waslike that it was um like
specific time with me or with mymy brothers and us.
Like it like I knew that youguys had set aside this time to
be with family, and that feltreally like um like I was being
(20:38):
loved.
And like, I mean, not that youweren't loving me when you were
um spending time together, butit I could feel the love um from
you guys because you weresetting aside that time uh for
us uh specifically, andespecially like with mom later,
like we would watch a TV showevery night to just like debrief
together after some hard days,and and that was really like um
(21:03):
a positive within like like Iknew you guys were setting aside
time for me.
Um I I really don't think therewere many negatives when I was
older because I understood morewhat the purpose of you guys
spending so much time togetherwas.
When I was younger, I just kindof felt like well, they don't
want to spend time with me, likewhat's going on?
(21:26):
But um we loved spending timewith you, and I know that now,
but when I was a little a littleuh six-year-old, I was like, but
they don't want to be with me.
SPEAKER_03 (21:39):
I'm just trying to reassure you, not invalidate
you.
I get it.
No, I know, but I we lovedspending time with you, but I
get that.
I think that is something amarriage-positive couple has to
realize that it's going to playinto people's feelings of
loneliness and potentialrejection, even if you're not
(22:00):
trying to.
So I think that's another thing.
SPEAKER_04 (22:02):
I think you guys you guys made up for it in the the
deliberate like spending timewith us, being like, This is
when we're gonna spend time withLily, this is when we're gonna
spend time with like Micah Kent,like whoever, like, even if we
were doing it together, like oneof us could choose what we were
doing.
Like you would make sure thateach of us got time to choose
(22:25):
what we were doing, spend timewith you, like whatever.
SPEAKER_03 (22:29):
That makes sense.
Is there anything you can thinkof marriage pot for marriage
positive parents who really youknow prioritize their marriage?
Anything that you wouldrecommend that they keep in mind
or that they do that they maybearen't aware of?
SPEAKER_04 (22:49):
Um, that's a good question.
Um I mean, even like if youchoose an you guys chose Friday
nights for your day night, youwould still on Friday nights
like make us feel wanted, um,make us dinner, tuck us into
(23:12):
bed, like you would still do thethings as a parent that that
made me feel loved, but bespending more time with your
spouse.
And like I think that's reallyimportant that like you don't
just like leave them, yourchildren, and just like okay,
this is our date night, like wewon't see you until tomorrow.
(23:33):
Like just like still beingthere, even though you're
spending time together, beingavailable, even because I always
knew like if I really needed youon date night, like you'd always
be there.
So it it never felt like I wasinterrupting um if I truly
needed you.
SPEAKER_01 (23:54):
So flip it for parents who are maybe right now
prioritizing their kids becausetheir kids need a lot of time,
their toddler elementary schoolage.
What what would you tell themthat you've learned by growing
up in a different way?
SPEAKER_04 (24:15):
Honestly, uh it might be like for me, it was
hard to not be around you guys,but it was for the better
because I learned to actually bea person by myself and not be a
person that was only through myparents.
(24:36):
Um, which goes along with likemy Christian faith and all,
because like a lot of times, youknow, you're going along with
what your parents are, and youhave to separate yourself from
um your parents' exact views andfind your own views.
And I think it's the same way,like you have to be separated
(24:56):
from your parents to be able togrow.
And so, like, I would encouragethat like people, I know it
feels like you're tearingyourself apart from your like
child possibly, um, and thenyou're not spending enough time
with them, but like truly it'sprobably for the better of the
child.
I mean, obviously, don't justlike neglect your child, but um
(25:16):
fair enough, like right spendingtime with your child and giving
them space are two veryimportant things.
SPEAKER_00 (25:25):
Sure.
SPEAKER_03 (25:26):
I'm curious, you just made me think of something.
How, and I realize I'm askingyou this on the fly, and there's
loyalty, and I don't want you tothink you have to answer in the
affirmative or the positive, buthow do you think dad and I did?
Because I do think we were superintentional about, especially
with you older three, because wealways honor things have been a
little bit different with Emily,but with you older three, with
(25:51):
kind of at 16 saying likeletting you explore your faith
more.
I mean, obviously you canexplore it as far as reading the
Bible and being in youth groupand doing all different kinds of
things that way, but we actuallygot to a point where we're like,
if you want to attend adifferent church, if you feel
like this, like we tried to openup that for you guys.
(26:14):
Do you think that was helpful?
Do you think we should have doneit earlier?
Do you think it would yeah, I'mjust curious?
SPEAKER_04 (26:21):
I uh I don't think I think you did it at the right
time because before 16 Iwouldn't even had had thought
about even changing churches oreven thinking about being
different than you guys.
Um that wasn't even a thought inmy mind that I could be a
different religion than thanyou.
Not that I am now, but um I Ithink you guys did it at the
(26:45):
same time or at the right time.
Um but yeah, I mean I I'm happyyou did it because I think I
would have been more reluctantto look at Eastern or any other
Christian school because like Ididn't feel free to make a
choice about my religion.
(27:06):
Um and I'm like glad you did,and and like even now, and even
with like my oldest brother,like he's learning different
things about the Bible, and soam I, and you guys are always
willing to listen to what wehave to say, and I think that's
and even if you don't agree withthe the stance that I am taking
(27:27):
or whatever, like you never makeme feel invalidated for my
beliefs, but challenge me tomaybe think differently, or or
just say that's an interestingstandpoint and leave it at that.
Like yeah, um, and I think thattruly is like what's allowed me
(27:53):
to be independent because Idon't feel like I'll ever bring
shame.
Like I don't think you'll everfeel like disappointed in me.
Like I know you never would,even if I have a different view
than you, you would never putthat against me.
And so, like, you know, you guysgiving me more freedom earlier
(28:15):
um allowed me to realize thatlike no matter what I did, there
was nothing that was gonna makeme um be like shameful in your
eyes.
SPEAKER_01 (28:26):
So okay, I was just curious.
I'm not ready to ask thisquestion, but I'm gonna do it
anyway.
Um, so you're oh no, you're 19.
How do you think that that ourmarriage positive, for lack of a
better term, um, relationshiphas impacted what you're looking
(28:50):
for in a dating partner?
SPEAKER_03 (28:52):
How did I know that he was gonna ask you?
Well, I got like we got likethree-quarters of the way
through the question, and I waslike, oh, okay, we're going
there.
SPEAKER_04 (29:01):
The funny thing is, is that I always say this to
people, but I I mean it in areally genuine, like, I'm glad
that for this, but I just say itin a joking way.
I'm like, darn my parents forshowing me what a good marriage
should look like.
SPEAKER_03 (29:15):
Actually, you always say to me, darn daddy for
setting the bar so high.
SPEAKER_04 (29:20):
Yeah, right.
SPEAKER_03 (29:20):
That too you say that to me a lot.
SPEAKER_04 (29:22):
Um, because I mean, I haven't dated much, but um
even when I have, I like I mean,I instantly knew that I needed
to set boundaries in arelationship, which is very
important, and I'm like gladthat you guys taught me how to
do that.
Um even in friendships, it'simportant.
(29:46):
And so not even romanticrelationships.
Literally everything.
Um but I I definitely Idefinitely have a higher
standard for how a man should betreating me.
(30:07):
Um and if a person doesn'trespect my boundaries, uh that's
immediately something that Ieither have to talk to them
about or it's something thatends a relationship because they
do not respect what I believe,what I want.
So um in that way I'm gratefulbecause I don't, you know, want
(30:35):
to be subjective to some arelationship that I don't like,
um, or a toxic relationship oranything like that.
Sometimes I get a little annoyedwith myself because I'm like,
oh, I just wanna I want to datesomeone, I want to find that
person that I want to marry.
But these people are not to thestandard that that God wants for
(30:58):
me, that I want for myself.
Like so, but honestly, that wasI would say that was in high
school when I was like lookingfor a relationship at every
point that a girl does, and umand now in college, I'm like
though I would love to findsomeone to share life with and
(31:20):
to uh to start a relationshipwith, it's not something I'm
specifically seeking, but alsoI'm glad to have those those
foundations of what I know Iwant and what I know I do not
want to make me feel a littlemore safe in the like if I would
(31:48):
ever to start dating someone, Ifeel safer knowing that I know
what I want.
SPEAKER_03 (31:54):
That's good.
I like that I like that part,that plug for boundaries, Lil.
Good job.
Boundaries, but I I think Ithink Christians often think
boundaries are just for sex init's like premarital sex, like
as dating, like that's theboundary we need to talk about.
And it's like actually all of usneed lots of boundaries, right?
I mean, we're not talking aboutrigidity, we're talking about
(32:16):
healthy boundaries of sure time,all kinds of things.
SPEAKER_04 (32:21):
Exactly.
Yeah, me and my friends haveboundaries of like things we
don't want to talk about, and ifwe do, we approach the subject
lightly.
Um, like my friends know that mysister is a tough topic for me,
and if they want to ask aquestion about it, they ask,
would it be okay if I talkedabout Emily like right now?
Like, and I'm always like, Yeah,that's fine.
(32:43):
But like they know that it's atough topic, and that that's a
boundary for me.
Sure.
SPEAKER_03 (32:48):
Yeah, yeah.
Appreciate that.
I appreciate yeah, I thinkthat's really good.
And um yeah, I think I think youare amazing, and I think it's
really hard, guys.
I'm just gonna be honest, it isreally hard when you have kids
that are smarter than you.
Oh my god, it's like, what theheck is going on?
(33:10):
And I'm just tap I should justtap out.
All of you are smarter than us.
Like it's just but you're smartin your own way, Mala.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
See, now she's coming to mydefense.
I don't mean it like that.
I just mean you guys are sointentional, so you yeah, you
just kind of blow me, blow mymind, blow me out of the water
with how intentional you guysare, and I appreciate it.
SPEAKER_01 (33:32):
Um I saw you, and I've said this to mom, like I
and I'm gonna be generic, but inin a prior relationship, and mom
and I are both aware of how goodit feels to have somebody like
you, right?
Just oh, somebody likes me.
Like that feels really, reallygood.
(33:53):
And it is easy for that tobecome the basis of a
relationship, and you were smartenough to expect more from that,
right?
And I think it was one of thethings that I saw in you that I
was like, wow, okay, Lily's gother head on, is that she did you
(34:17):
didn't stop.
Yeah, you like you did kind ofgo, nope, nope, this is not the
kind of relationship that Iwant.
And it is really hard to saythat.
It's really hard to say thatbecause we know how good it
feels just to be liked andstuff.
So I think you holding thoseboundaries, you maintaining that
(34:37):
is hard, but I think it ishonoring to who you are.
SPEAKER_04 (34:43):
Yeah, it's definitely mentally hard because
some days I wish like I didn'thave those standards, but then I
think about it and I'm like,yes, I do.
But it's just fleeting thoughtsthat sometimes I wish I I just
wasn't so picky and I could juststart dating someone, but after
(35:03):
I think about it, I'm like, do Ireally want to subject myself to
a relationship that I don'twant?
Right.
No, so yeah, that's okay.
I hear you.
SPEAKER_01 (35:14):
It's tough though.
It is hard because it's becauseno relationship is perfect, and
certainly there's growth thathas to happen along the way.
So yeah, it is it is reallyhard, but yeah, cool.
Well, this has been fun.
SPEAKER_03 (35:32):
It is, it's always fun to talk to our kids.
It's always fun to wonder whatyou will answer to these things.
I was actually thinking Lil, Liland I always kind of go back and
forth of like with snarkyboundaries.
What's a snarky boundary youhave?
Because I know you have thembecause you'll joke around and
you'll be like, well, that'sthat's an absolute no if I'm
dating a like I was trying tothink, like if he doesn't like
(35:56):
prime doesn't like pride andprejudice or something like
that.
Oh, a snarky boundary?
Yes, like hmm.
It's an absolute no if hedoesn't.
Oh, would it be wicked if hedoesn't like wicked?
SPEAKER_04 (36:08):
I mean, no, that's okay.
SPEAKER_03 (36:10):
Okay.
SPEAKER_01 (36:10):
Um doesn't give you space while you're reading.
SPEAKER_04 (36:15):
Wait, like if he doesn't build me a library.
SPEAKER_03 (36:18):
Oh, see there we go.
Yes, yes.
We send a lot of Instagram reelsback and forth about, and was it
one of them like my futurehusband better realize or
something?
Yeah, like better realize that Ineed a library.
That his book but his bookbudget has got to be an item
line, like not like a underWell, one of my biggest things
(36:38):
that I wanted in college was aplace to put all my books.
SPEAKER_04 (36:41):
And yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (36:43):
And we made it happen.
SPEAKER_04 (36:44):
We did.
SPEAKER_03 (36:45):
We got you a bookshelf.
Imagine that.
Aw, well, that's awesome, girl.
I love you.
Thanks for sharing with us.
And hey, if you ever want tocome back on because your
opinions have changed or you'relike, I got something else to
add, we're we're here.
SPEAKER_01 (37:02):
We'll do premiered alive for all the people that
see no just in your house.
SPEAKER_03 (37:07):
Oh dear.
SPEAKER_04 (37:09):
No, premiered alive, sir.
SPEAKER_01 (37:12):
Um not even dating anyone.
SPEAKER_03 (37:14):
I know.
SPEAKER_01 (37:15):
Down the road.
SPEAKER_03 (37:16):
I feel like we just made like a bachelor like offer
or something.
She's available.
SPEAKER_01 (37:25):
Awesome.
Well, yeah, this has been fun.
Love you lots, Lil.
Until next time, I'm BradAldridge.
SPEAKER_03 (37:33):
And I'm Kate Aldridge.
Be kind and take care of eachother.
SPEAKER_00 (37:41):
Still Becoming One is a production of Aldrich
Ministries.
For more information about Bradand Kate's coaching ministry,
courses, and speakingopportunities, you can find us
at Aldridge Ministries.com.
For podcast show notes and linksto resources in all of our
social media.
Be sure to visit us atstillbecoming one dot com.
(38:04):
And don't forget to like thisepisode wherever you get your
podcasts.
And be sure to follow us tocontinue your journey on Still
Becoming One.
Welcome to the Still Becoming One podcast.
We are Brad and Kate.
SPEAKER_03 (00:10):
In our more than 20 years of marriage, we've
survived both dark times andexperienced restoration.
SPEAKER_00 (00:15):
Now, as a licensed marriage counselor and
relationship coaches, we helpcouples to regain hope and joy.
SPEAKER_03 (00:23):
We invite you to journey with us as we are still
becoming one.
SPEAKER_00 (00:27):
Let's start the conversation.
SPEAKER_01 (00:30):
Hello everyone.
Welcome back to Still BecomingOne.
SPEAKER_03 (00:33):
Welcome back.
So Yeah.
We're podcasting at night.
Not that everybody would knowthat.
And we have a really fun,exciting guest with us today.
SPEAKER_01 (00:46):
Yay!
SPEAKER_03 (00:47):
It's Lily.
SPEAKER_01 (00:51):
So for everyone listening who doesn't know who
Lily is.
SPEAKER_03 (00:54):
Our middle daughter who went off to college for the
first time a couple months ago.
And it's home because shedecided she still likes us.
So she came home for a littlevisit.
Lucky us.
And we invited her to come chatwith us about growing up in our
home and in the middle of ourmarriage, since most of our
(01:15):
podcasts are about marriage.
Welcome, Lily.
Thank you.
(01:36):
Cool.
Awesome.
What's the thing that mostsurprised you?
SPEAKER_04 (01:41):
Um probably that I was actually like ready for
college.
I at the end of high school waslike doubting that I was even
ready to like go into a morerigorous like learning um style
and things like that.
But I feel like I fit in prettywell with like my classmates.
(02:04):
And so yeah.
Very cool.
Awesome.
SPEAKER_03 (02:08):
Well, we're glad, believe it or not, we miss you a
ton, but we're glad you'reloving it.
SPEAKER_01 (02:12):
Yeah, absolutely.
SPEAKER_03 (02:13):
So yeah, so we wanted to have a similar
conversation with you, and whynot have it with a lot of people
listening?
Um, just kidding.
About yeah, what it was likegrowing up with us as your
parents.
And we encourage Lily to behonest, she can share the the
goods, the bads, the whateverelse.
SPEAKER_01 (02:33):
Um yeah, so for most of Lily's life, for pretty much
all of Lily's life, we had beenvery marriage positive and
intentional on trying to figureout like marriage being a
priority.
SPEAKER_03 (02:50):
Sure.
So a little different than ouroldest.
Sure.
SPEAKER_01 (02:54):
And you know, that certainly does have some
consequences, right?
Like there were absolutely timesthat we prioritized time, the
two of us, that did not includeyou.
SPEAKER_03 (03:10):
Oh any any of the kids, any of the kids.
Any of the kids, we didn't justexclude Lily.
SPEAKER_01 (03:16):
I'm curious like what that was like for you
growing up.
How did you recognize it?
What did you see, and what wasthat like?
SPEAKER_04 (03:25):
I mean, I mean, I never really felt like you were
like excluding me.
Like, obviously, if I neededsomething, you were always
there.
Um, and there are multiple timesthat like your date nights on
Fridays you would skip because Ihad something that you would
come to.
So it's not like you like didn'tcome to like my shows or
(03:47):
something because you had datenight, but um, yeah, I mean I
always told people like atschool, like, oh, Friday nights
I'm free because like my parentsaren't doing anything.
Like my parents have datenights, so I'm not doing
anything.
SPEAKER_01 (04:01):
Like, but what about even younger?
So in high school, when you hadsome freedom, I think there was
definitely a place where youwere able to be like, okay,
yeah, I'm gonna go out withfriends because I know they were
not doing anything family oranything like that.
What about like younger?
When you were in like elementaryschool and stuff, when you had
(04:23):
lots of babysitters, or even momand I would be intentional in
going away for a weekend.
I'm curious what that was like.
SPEAKER_03 (04:31):
And like the weekend one that might that might get
her.
She was yeah, she was ahomebody.
SPEAKER_04 (04:37):
I did not like when you guys went away.
Um, but that was me.
Also, like having my brotherstake care of me sometimes wasn't
my favorite thing.
Or my grandparents.
Um, yeah, I don't know.
Like, I kind of didn't like whenyou guys went away for a lot of
times for like longer periods oftimes.
(04:58):
I didn't mind the Friday nightstuff because like I knew you
were sometimes you were even inthe house, but just we weren't
allowed to bother you.
Um but when you would guys wouldgo, when you guys would go away
for like weeks or a weekend, um,especially when I was younger, I
didn't really enjoy that.
I I'm definitely a homebody andlike love spending time with you
(05:20):
guys, so that was something thatI didn't like as much and had to
learn to be okay with.
SPEAKER_01 (05:29):
Um what do you what do you remember feeling about
those trips?
Like, because we usually, whenyou were younger, tried to
coincide it alongside somethingthat you got to do.
Something somewhat fun, or youknow, something like that.
SPEAKER_04 (05:46):
Like like we were going on vacation, like going
camping or whatever.
SPEAKER_01 (05:51):
Camping, or you'd go, you know, somewhere, you
know, other times it was agrandparent coming to stay at
the house and we would go away.
I'm just curious, like, yeah,what what you thought about
that?
SPEAKER_04 (06:05):
Um, I think the times that like we would go
camping.
Did you guys even tell us thatyou were like going somewhere
else?
SPEAKER_02 (06:14):
I don't know.
SPEAKER_03 (06:15):
I think if we I don't remember if you did or we
did.
We communicate, we were alwaysbig on communicating with you.
We didn't want you guys to feellike we kept something from you.
So if you were going campingwith Grammy and Grampy and we
were using that opportunity togo away, you guys knew we were.
SPEAKER_02 (06:30):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (06:31):
So but I wasn't sure you said we always planned
something or something for themto do.
I wasn't not always okay.
You meant like camping or stuff,gotcha.
SPEAKER_04 (06:40):
Because I distinctly like remember like with camping
and stuff, like being okay withit because I had my brothers,
but um more when it was like mygrandparents coming over here,
my brothers were still here, butit felt different because like
you guys weren't at home, right?
Um, something different aboutlike being in a place like where
(07:02):
you guys should have been, butyou weren't.
Um, like I guess not unsettledme, but made me like anxious.
SPEAKER_01 (07:11):
Yeah.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (07:13):
And I think our our attunement level to you, Lil,
was different than grandparents.
SPEAKER_01 (07:20):
Oh, for sure.
SPEAKER_03 (07:21):
Which is somewhat understandable, but also like we
just yeah, we were able to kindof uh most times know where you
were at and like how you werefeeling.
And I think grandparents didn'talways like they weren't able to
meet you in the same way, kindof thing.
SPEAKER_01 (07:38):
Would you say you understood or could say why we
were going away?
SPEAKER_04 (07:48):
I mean, definitely when I was in high school, like
I could understand that.
I hope so.
Um I hope so.
Um, when I was younger, like Iunderstood that you wanted to
spend time together, but I thinkwhat I questioned was why we
couldn't be spending the timewith you.
Oh like that's so sweet.
Oh, stop.
(08:09):
Um, but like I was like, they'regoing away, but like, why can't
I come with?
Like, not even Ken, like noteven my brothers, like, you
don't need to take me.
Just take me.
SPEAKER_03 (08:22):
Like, I love that.
SPEAKER_01 (08:24):
But at and at what point did you maybe get the
message or it was there a timethat it clicked that we were
that it was unusual, that we asparents were prioritizing time
together, and that wasn'tsomething you saw or heard
about?
SPEAKER_04 (08:44):
Um, I would say like, because I went to private
school for a while.
So like a lot of those kids hadparents that were married, so
that wasn't unusual then.
But then when I moved to publicschool, I would say I start
started realizing that lessparents were together, um, like
in total, and even sometimesweren't even married at all,
(09:07):
like we're just living together,like whatever.
And you know, I don't think Ireally realized like why you
guys were prioritizing timetogether until like probably
middle school.
Like, I saw the differences inelementary school, but I didn't
really see like the reason whyuntil later.
SPEAKER_03 (09:25):
Um well, in middle school too, we went through
COVID, and I remember dad and Ihaving to transition from like,
okay, we're gonna do a datenight at middle school too, was
when you guys were able to wefelt like you, as the older
three, were old enough, becausethat would have been when M, our
youngest, came in too.
We're old enough to stay homealone, right?
So we didn't have to worry aboutbabysitters anymore.
(09:47):
But then COVID threw a wrenchknit and we had to do date
nights in the house and be like,go find something else to do, go
entertain yourselves.
SPEAKER_01 (09:56):
That's when we made the doorknob or doorknob sign
that said, like, we love you,but get out of here.
Do not just go away or somethinglike that.
SPEAKER_03 (10:05):
But I think that probably coincides with middle
school for you, Lil, of likekind of it becoming more clear.
SPEAKER_01 (10:12):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (10:13):
Yeah.
So yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (10:17):
I that and I think that's an interesting thing.
You know, when we're workingwith couples all the time, I
think one of the things that wehear most often is that it's
kids' responsibilities, if notkids' activities, that keep
parents from doing stufftogether.
(10:38):
That they're prioritizing timewith their kids one way or
another over marriage.
And I, you know, obviously, Ihope that we still prioritize
time with you at some points,but you know, we're sitting here
talking about like what it waslike for you to see that we
prioritize time together.
(10:59):
I I'm curious, like, yeah, doyou think that was a positive
overall?
Did it hurt you in some ways?
Like, whatever.
And you know, we can we couldhear whatever.
I'm sure there are things thatyou didn't like about it, too.
SPEAKER_03 (11:15):
Yeah, Ian said she wanted to, why couldn't she come
with?
SPEAKER_04 (11:18):
Why couldn't I come with?
That was definitely when I wasyounger.
It was like, why couldn't I comewith?
Um, because I just wanted to bearound you guys all the time.
SPEAKER_02 (11:25):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_04 (11:25):
Um, not that I didn't like my brothers, which I
very much did, but you know, Ijust wanted to be around you
guys because I loved like youguys so much.
Um, still do, by the way.
Um thanks for the clarification.
You're welcome, you're welcome.
SPEAKER_03 (11:42):
Um you can tell where Skip the snark from, guys.
SPEAKER_04 (11:46):
I would say that I thought I was fine pretty much a
lot of the time.
Like sometimes you guys wouldmiss uh tennis matches for stuff
where even and and date nightand stuff, and I was fine with
that because like you guys wouldcome to other ones and obviously
(12:07):
the away ones like you weren'tcoming to, which is totally
fine.
Um, I think the only time that Ikind of felt like a little like
I don't want to say butthurtabout it, but like um a little
like salty that you guys wereaway was the one time you were
on the cruise and you missed myhomecoming.
SPEAKER_02 (12:26):
Yes.
SPEAKER_04 (12:27):
Yeah.
Yep.
SPEAKER_03 (12:28):
Wait, we were on a cruise.
We were pay we were working.
SPEAKER_02 (12:31):
We were.
SPEAKER_03 (12:32):
Yeah, you were working.
SPEAKER_04 (12:34):
Make it like yeah, you have to do it.
SPEAKER_01 (12:37):
And and also the cruise was scheduled first.
Yeah, we didn't we didn't knowthat homecoming was then we had
to go.
SPEAKER_04 (12:46):
And we'd already blame you for doing work or
whatever.
But like I wished you werethere.
And like I know I went over tomy best friend's house, and like
they're like a family to me, soit was fine.
SPEAKER_03 (12:55):
But um, you know, that was a series of unfortunate
events, yeah.
SPEAKER_04 (13:00):
And that was something that I was like kind
of bummed that you couldn't bethere for.
Yeah, I think that was my tenthgrade.
Yeah, was that 11th grade?
I don't remember.
SPEAKER_03 (13:08):
No, but I think it was 10th grade.
Yeah, I don't remember.
I don't remember now that I hearthat.
Wait, before, but I think weshould pause here, guys, because
this is what we do.
Like, you know, you have kids,this is what we do.
Lily, and we should probablyunpack.
Lily and I were out earlierrunning an errand, and she used
this expression butthurt, and Iwas like, what is this
(13:29):
expression?
It's apparently a newexpression.
And I was like, Well, it's thefirst time I've heard it.
Oh, now you're gonna make melook old.
It's new to me.
How long's it been out?
SPEAKER_04 (13:43):
I don't know.
SPEAKER_03 (13:44):
Okay, and butthurt means like that you just don't
feel great about it.
Like, okay.
So I got butthurt about that.
Okay.
Okay.
Um now she's sad because I'lluse it all the time and she'll
be like, Mom, stop.
Darn it.
You're gonna be butthurt aboutit.
SPEAKER_01 (14:03):
Would how would you say, if if at all, did your
friends ever comment aboutthings about us doing marriage
ministry or us doing marriagethings or any of that kind of
stuff?
Did your friends recognize anyof those things?
SPEAKER_03 (14:22):
Were we annoying?
SPEAKER_04 (14:24):
Um so um my whole friend group has parents who
have happy marriages.
I was gonna say, you have aunique group of friends now with
uh one of my friends, their momdidn't have one in the
beginning, but now is in one, areally good marriage.
(14:45):
So either way, they're all inhappy marriages now.
Um so my immediate friend group,no.
Um which is Do you think there'sany connection there?
SPEAKER_01 (14:58):
Just saying.
SPEAKER_04 (15:00):
I don't know.
SPEAKER_01 (15:01):
That Lily that you gravitated to other people that
had secure parent relationships.
SPEAKER_04 (15:08):
Yeah, but there have been people who didn't sure of
course my one friend.
Um her parents are divorced, andand you know, we've been friends
for since elementary school.
Um I thought like sometimes Ididn't I didn't understand what
she was going through, shedidn't understand what I was
going through.
Like it it was a difficultrelationship to have,
(15:30):
definitely, because we didn'treally understand like each
other's life.
Um her parents separated whenshe was quite young, so it kind
of was very different for usgrowing up.
Um I wouldn't say that likepeople would just like come up
to me and talk about it.
Um, I mean, when I people askedme what my parents did, I would
(15:53):
just say they're counselors.
Like I wouldn't really say liketheir marriage and family
counselors unless people askmore questions.
Um and then if people did ask,I'd be fine with telling them.
Uh definitely in focus, my club,that was like for Christians.
A lot of people would askquestions about it.
Um, whether you guys likesupported premarital or
(16:17):
whatever, like questions becauseChristians want to know these
things, I guess.
SPEAKER_03 (16:23):
Um you you had you've made several comments
though that people peers wouldthink because how have you said
it?
Because we were married, yeah.
SPEAKER_04 (16:42):
Gotcha.
Okay.
I I felt that pressure, not thatsaying like anybody came up to
me and was like saying, Oh, yourlife must be perfect, like that
never happened.
It was just like if I evermentioned anything that was
wrong in my life, people wouldgo, Well, at least your parents
are married.
(17:02):
Like, and I'm like, Okay, yes,like thank thank God for that.
Like, I'm very happy about that,but like also my feelings should
be validated that sure, likesomething else is happening,
whatever it was, like right,right, yeah, yeah, I get that.
So I think like in high schoolat least, since there's this big
(17:24):
like thing about divorce and alland separation of parents and
whatever, it's a big part ofpeople's lives.
It's an automatic thought thatlike if your parents are married
that you have an easy life.
SPEAKER_03 (17:38):
Do you think it I'm curious if you think it could be
that the support is there?
That they assume you have allthe support you need, or life is
Yeah, maybe.
SPEAKER_04 (17:50):
I don't know.
Yeah, I think it got even morereinforced that I could have
this perfect life because Iwould say like that you guys
were happily married.
SPEAKER_03 (18:00):
Rude.
SPEAKER_04 (18:01):
Because like there there are marriages where people
are not happy, right?
Obviously, but um when I wouldsay like my parents are in love
and they're very happy with eachother, and like they go on date
nights every Friday, and likeall this stuff, people would
think that like automatically myhome life and my my childhood
was perfect.
Like interesting, like though mychildhood was amazing, and I'm
(18:23):
very grateful for those years.
It's like there things happen,like right.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (18:28):
Well, and I and we can honor our family was through
your high school years andmiddle school years going
through some really hard stuff.
So I can see how that would behard if they're assuming that.
And then it feels like there'skind of no place or safe space,
other than I know you're yourquad, you're a really good group
(18:49):
of friends.
You could and we love them.
They're amazing, they're alllike they're all like family,
but it would make you feel like,oh, because my parents everybody
assumes this, I can't reallyshare what's health is this one.
SPEAKER_02 (19:02):
Yeah, right.
SPEAKER_03 (19:02):
And it almost also could make it like, well, why is
that happening if your family,your parents are so great?
It doesn't make everything.
SPEAKER_04 (19:10):
And the quad was really the only people in my
life who knew the totality oflike what was going on.
Um so like they understood uhthat my life was most definitely
not perfect and that I struggledwith many things throughout high
school, sure, mainly anxiety andand all that stuff.
Um, but like, you know, it wasjust like even my one friend who
(19:33):
had divorced parents, she oftenwould be like, Well, your
parents are married, like, butthen she kind of figured out
like what was going on in mylife, and and she rethought her
her her what she said before.
So sorry.
SPEAKER_01 (19:50):
So we kind of started with this idea that one
of the consequences of us havinga a marriage, positive marriage,
was time, right?
That it's taking away some time.
What would from yourperspective, what are the
consequences, either positive ornegative consequences?
SPEAKER_04 (20:14):
Um a positive is that every time that we would be
together, I knew that it waslike that it was um like
specific time with me or with mymy brothers and us.
Like it like I knew that youguys had set aside this time to
be with family, and that feltreally like um like I was being
(20:38):
loved.
And like, I mean, not that youweren't loving me when you were
um spending time together, butit I could feel the love um from
you guys because you weresetting aside that time uh for
us uh specifically, andespecially like with mom later,
like we would watch a TV showevery night to just like debrief
together after some hard days,and and that was really like um
(21:03):
a positive within like like Iknew you guys were setting aside
time for me.
Um I I really don't think therewere many negatives when I was
older because I understood morewhat the purpose of you guys
spending so much time togetherwas.
When I was younger, I just kindof felt like well, they don't
want to spend time with me, likewhat's going on?
(21:26):
But um we loved spending timewith you, and I know that now,
but when I was a little a littleuh six-year-old, I was like, but
they don't want to be with me.
SPEAKER_03 (21:39):
I'm just trying to reassure you, not invalidate
you.
I get it.
No, I know, but I we lovedspending time with you, but I
get that.
I think that is something amarriage-positive couple has to
realize that it's going to playinto people's feelings of
loneliness and potentialrejection, even if you're not
(22:00):
trying to.
So I think that's another thing.
SPEAKER_04 (22:02):
I think you guys you guys made up for it in the the
deliberate like spending timewith us, being like, This is
when we're gonna spend time withLily, this is when we're gonna
spend time with like Micah Kent,like whoever, like, even if we
were doing it together, like oneof us could choose what we were
doing.
Like you would make sure thateach of us got time to choose
(22:25):
what we were doing, spend timewith you, like whatever.
SPEAKER_03 (22:29):
That makes sense.
Is there anything you can thinkof marriage pot for marriage
positive parents who really youknow prioritize their marriage?
Anything that you wouldrecommend that they keep in mind
or that they do that they maybearen't aware of?
SPEAKER_04 (22:49):
Um, that's a good question.
Um I mean, even like if youchoose an you guys chose Friday
nights for your day night, youwould still on Friday nights
like make us feel wanted, um,make us dinner, tuck us into
(23:12):
bed, like you would still do thethings as a parent that that
made me feel loved, but bespending more time with your
spouse.
And like I think that's reallyimportant that like you don't
just like leave them, yourchildren, and just like okay,
this is our date night, like wewon't see you until tomorrow.
(23:33):
Like just like still beingthere, even though you're
spending time together, beingavailable, even because I always
knew like if I really needed youon date night, like you'd always
be there.
So it it never felt like I wasinterrupting um if I truly
needed you.
SPEAKER_01 (23:54):
So flip it for parents who are maybe right now
prioritizing their kids becausetheir kids need a lot of time,
their toddler elementary schoolage.
What what would you tell themthat you've learned by growing
up in a different way?
SPEAKER_04 (24:15):
Honestly, uh it might be like for me, it was
hard to not be around you guys,but it was for the better
because I learned to actually bea person by myself and not be a
person that was only through myparents.
(24:36):
Um, which goes along with likemy Christian faith and all,
because like a lot of times, youknow, you're going along with
what your parents are, and youhave to separate yourself from
um your parents' exact views andfind your own views.
And I think it's the same way,like you have to be separated
(24:56):
from your parents to be able togrow.
And so, like, I would encouragethat like people, I know it
feels like you're tearingyourself apart from your like
child possibly, um, and thenyou're not spending enough time
with them, but like truly it'sprobably for the better of the
child.
I mean, obviously, don't justlike neglect your child, but um
(25:16):
fair enough, like right spendingtime with your child and giving
them space are two veryimportant things.
SPEAKER_00 (25:25):
Sure.
SPEAKER_03 (25:26):
I'm curious, you just made me think of something.
How, and I realize I'm askingyou this on the fly, and there's
loyalty, and I don't want you tothink you have to answer in the
affirmative or the positive, buthow do you think dad and I did?
Because I do think we were superintentional about, especially
with you older three, because wealways honor things have been a
little bit different with Emily,but with you older three, with
(25:51):
kind of at 16 saying likeletting you explore your faith
more.
I mean, obviously you canexplore it as far as reading the
Bible and being in youth groupand doing all different kinds of
things that way, but we actuallygot to a point where we're like,
if you want to attend adifferent church, if you feel
like this, like we tried to openup that for you guys.
(26:14):
Do you think that was helpful?
Do you think we should have doneit earlier?
Do you think it would yeah, I'mjust curious?
SPEAKER_04 (26:21):
I uh I don't think I think you did it at the right
time because before 16 Iwouldn't even had had thought
about even changing churches oreven thinking about being
different than you guys.
Um that wasn't even a thought inmy mind that I could be a
different religion than thanyou.
Not that I am now, but um I Ithink you guys did it at the
(26:45):
same time or at the right time.
Um but yeah, I mean I I'm happyyou did it because I think I
would have been more reluctantto look at Eastern or any other
Christian school because like Ididn't feel free to make a
choice about my religion.
(27:06):
Um and I'm like glad you did,and and like even now, and even
with like my oldest brother,like he's learning different
things about the Bible, and soam I, and you guys are always
willing to listen to what wehave to say, and I think that's
and even if you don't agree withthe the stance that I am taking
(27:27):
or whatever, like you never makeme feel invalidated for my
beliefs, but challenge me tomaybe think differently, or or
just say that's an interestingstandpoint and leave it at that.
Like yeah, um, and I think thattruly is like what's allowed me
(27:53):
to be independent because Idon't feel like I'll ever bring
shame.
Like I don't think you'll everfeel like disappointed in me.
Like I know you never would,even if I have a different view
than you, you would never putthat against me.
And so, like, you know, you guysgiving me more freedom earlier
(28:15):
um allowed me to realize thatlike no matter what I did, there
was nothing that was gonna makeme um be like shameful in your
eyes.
SPEAKER_01 (28:26):
So okay, I was just curious.
I'm not ready to ask thisquestion, but I'm gonna do it
anyway.
Um, so you're oh no, you're 19.
How do you think that that ourmarriage positive, for lack of a
better term, um, relationshiphas impacted what you're looking
(28:50):
for in a dating partner?
SPEAKER_03 (28:52):
How did I know that he was gonna ask you?
Well, I got like we got likethree-quarters of the way
through the question, and I waslike, oh, okay, we're going
there.
SPEAKER_04 (29:01):
The funny thing is, is that I always say this to
people, but I I mean it in areally genuine, like, I'm glad
that for this, but I just say itin a joking way.
I'm like, darn my parents forshowing me what a good marriage
should look like.
SPEAKER_03 (29:15):
Actually, you always say to me, darn daddy for
setting the bar so high.
SPEAKER_04 (29:20):
Yeah, right.
SPEAKER_03 (29:20):
That too you say that to me a lot.
SPEAKER_04 (29:22):
Um, because I mean, I haven't dated much, but um
even when I have, I like I mean,I instantly knew that I needed
to set boundaries in arelationship, which is very
important, and I'm like gladthat you guys taught me how to
do that.
Um even in friendships, it'simportant.
(29:46):
And so not even romanticrelationships.
Literally everything.
Um but I I definitely Idefinitely have a higher
standard for how a man should betreating me.
(30:07):
Um and if a person doesn'trespect my boundaries, uh that's
immediately something that Ieither have to talk to them
about or it's something thatends a relationship because they
do not respect what I believe,what I want.
So um in that way I'm gratefulbecause I don't, you know, want
(30:35):
to be subjective to some arelationship that I don't like,
um, or a toxic relationship oranything like that.
Sometimes I get a little annoyedwith myself because I'm like,
oh, I just wanna I want to datesomeone, I want to find that
person that I want to marry.
But these people are not to thestandard that that God wants for
(30:58):
me, that I want for myself.
Like so, but honestly, that wasI would say that was in high
school when I was like lookingfor a relationship at every
point that a girl does, and umand now in college, I'm like
though I would love to findsomeone to share life with and
(31:20):
to uh to start a relationshipwith, it's not something I'm
specifically seeking, but alsoI'm glad to have those those
foundations of what I know Iwant and what I know I do not
want to make me feel a littlemore safe in the like if I would
(31:48):
ever to start dating someone, Ifeel safer knowing that I know
what I want.
SPEAKER_03 (31:54):
That's good.
I like that I like that part,that plug for boundaries, Lil.
Good job.
Boundaries, but I I think Ithink Christians often think
boundaries are just for sex init's like premarital sex, like
as dating, like that's theboundary we need to talk about.
And it's like actually all of usneed lots of boundaries, right?
I mean, we're not talking aboutrigidity, we're talking about
(32:16):
healthy boundaries of sure time,all kinds of things.
SPEAKER_04 (32:21):
Exactly.
Yeah, me and my friends haveboundaries of like things we
don't want to talk about, and ifwe do, we approach the subject
lightly.
Um, like my friends know that mysister is a tough topic for me,
and if they want to ask aquestion about it, they ask,
would it be okay if I talkedabout Emily like right now?
Like, and I'm always like, Yeah,that's fine.
(32:43):
But like they know that it's atough topic, and that that's a
boundary for me.
Sure.
SPEAKER_03 (32:48):
Yeah, yeah.
Appreciate that.
I appreciate yeah, I thinkthat's really good.
And um yeah, I think I think youare amazing, and I think it's
really hard, guys.
I'm just gonna be honest, it isreally hard when you have kids
that are smarter than you.
Oh my god, it's like, what theheck is going on?
(33:10):
And I'm just tap I should justtap out.
All of you are smarter than us.
Like it's just but you're smartin your own way, Mala.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
See, now she's coming to mydefense.
I don't mean it like that.
I just mean you guys are sointentional, so you yeah, you
just kind of blow me, blow mymind, blow me out of the water
with how intentional you guysare, and I appreciate it.
SPEAKER_01 (33:32):
Um I saw you, and I've said this to mom, like I
and I'm gonna be generic, but inin a prior relationship, and mom
and I are both aware of how goodit feels to have somebody like
you, right?
Just oh, somebody likes me.
Like that feels really, reallygood.
(33:53):
And it is easy for that tobecome the basis of a
relationship, and you were smartenough to expect more from that,
right?
And I think it was one of thethings that I saw in you that I
was like, wow, okay, Lily's gother head on, is that she did you
(34:17):
didn't stop.
Yeah, you like you did kind ofgo, nope, nope, this is not the
kind of relationship that Iwant.
And it is really hard to saythat.
It's really hard to say thatbecause we know how good it
feels just to be liked andstuff.
So I think you holding thoseboundaries, you maintaining that
(34:37):
is hard, but I think it ishonoring to who you are.
SPEAKER_04 (34:43):
Yeah, it's definitely mentally hard because
some days I wish like I didn'thave those standards, but then I
think about it and I'm like,yes, I do.
But it's just fleeting thoughtsthat sometimes I wish I I just
wasn't so picky and I could juststart dating someone, but after
(35:03):
I think about it, I'm like, do Ireally want to subject myself to
a relationship that I don'twant?
Right.
No, so yeah, that's okay.
I hear you.
SPEAKER_01 (35:14):
It's tough though.
It is hard because it's becauseno relationship is perfect, and
certainly there's growth thathas to happen along the way.
So yeah, it is it is reallyhard, but yeah, cool.
Well, this has been fun.
SPEAKER_03 (35:32):
It is, it's always fun to talk to our kids.
It's always fun to wonder whatyou will answer to these things.
I was actually thinking Lil, Liland I always kind of go back and
forth of like with snarkyboundaries.
What's a snarky boundary youhave?
Because I know you have thembecause you'll joke around and
you'll be like, well, that'sthat's an absolute no if I'm
dating a like I was trying tothink, like if he doesn't like
(35:56):
prime doesn't like pride andprejudice or something like
that.
Oh, a snarky boundary?
Yes, like hmm.
It's an absolute no if hedoesn't.
Oh, would it be wicked if hedoesn't like wicked?
SPEAKER_04 (36:08):
I mean, no, that's okay.
SPEAKER_03 (36:10):
Okay.
SPEAKER_01 (36:10):
Um doesn't give you space while you're reading.
SPEAKER_04 (36:15):
Wait, like if he doesn't build me a library.
SPEAKER_03 (36:18):
Oh, see there we go.
Yes, yes.
We send a lot of Instagram reelsback and forth about, and was it
one of them like my futurehusband better realize or
something?
Yeah, like better realize that Ineed a library.
That his book but his bookbudget has got to be an item
line, like not like a underWell, one of my biggest things
(36:38):
that I wanted in college was aplace to put all my books.
SPEAKER_04 (36:41):
And yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (36:43):
And we made it happen.
SPEAKER_04 (36:44):
We did.
SPEAKER_03 (36:45):
We got you a bookshelf.
Imagine that.
Aw, well, that's awesome, girl.
I love you.
Thanks for sharing with us.
And hey, if you ever want tocome back on because your
opinions have changed or you'relike, I got something else to
add, we're we're here.
SPEAKER_01 (37:02):
We'll do premiered alive for all the people that
see no just in your house.
SPEAKER_03 (37:07):
Oh dear.
SPEAKER_04 (37:09):
No, premiered alive, sir.
SPEAKER_01 (37:12):
Um not even dating anyone.
SPEAKER_03 (37:14):
I know.
SPEAKER_01 (37:15):
Down the road.
SPEAKER_03 (37:16):
I feel like we just made like a bachelor like offer
or something.
She's available.
SPEAKER_01 (37:25):
Awesome.
Well, yeah, this has been fun.
Love you lots, Lil.
Until next time, I'm BradAldridge.
SPEAKER_03 (37:33):
And I'm Kate Aldridge.
Be kind and take care of eachother.
SPEAKER_00 (37:41):
Still Becoming One is a production of Aldrich
Ministries.
For more information about Bradand Kate's coaching ministry,
courses, and speakingopportunities, you can find us
at Aldridge Ministries.com.
For podcast show notes and linksto resources in all of our
social media.
Be sure to visit us atstillbecoming one dot com.
(38:04):
And don't forget to like thisepisode wherever you get your
podcasts.
And be sure to follow us tocontinue your journey on Still
Becoming One.
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