October 6, 2025 • 40 mins
Boldness gets mislabeled as being loud, forceful, or always “on.” We take it somewhere more genuine—courage guided by compassion, presence over performance, and the steady choices that bring peace into love, friendship, and family. From Kory’s childhood story about standing up for a new friend to GentheBuilder’s journey of unlearning cultural performance, we map the moments when boldness means speaking up, stepping back, or simply holding stillness together.
If this conversation helps you breathe a little easier, follow the show, share it with a friend who needs it, and leave a quick review so more people can find these tools for loving boldly.
Look up, and let's elevate!
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:02):
Every day elevate every day elevate every day
elevate.
SPEAKER_03 (00:17):
Hey, it's Jen the Builder and Corey.
And we are on Take the Elevator.
Welcome back, everybody.
We love our elevator family, soit's so good to have you here
today.
SPEAKER_02 (00:29):
So good to be here today.
SPEAKER_03 (00:32):
I am stoked about the fact that we're going into
the second part of our series.
But before we get into all ofthat, Corey, I think we agreed
that there is one hugeannouncement that we'd like to
share with our friends.
SPEAKER_02 (00:50):
Okay.
Please take the floor.
You may have it.
SPEAKER_03 (00:53):
Okay.
I'm going to try to the best ofmy ability.
Um, and Corey, you could fill inthe details.
So on Saturday, which would bethe 11th.
SPEAKER_01 (01:03):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (01:04):
So 10, 11, Corey and I are going to be in Riverside
at the library there.
SPEAKER_02 (01:10):
Inlandia uh book festival.
SPEAKER_03 (01:14):
Okay.
So yeah, it's called InlandiaBook Festival at the Riverside
Public Library.
Yes.
And it looks like it's anoutdoor event.
SPEAKER_02 (01:23):
Definitely outdoor.
SPEAKER_03 (01:24):
Yeah.
So Corey and I, I don't know.
It looks like based on theseating, we're one out of seven
children's book authors, whichis very different than our last
event.
There was about 60, one of 60.
This is one of seven, maybe.
SPEAKER_02 (01:39):
Actually, it's uh one of ten.
SPEAKER_03 (01:41):
Oh, one of ten.
Yeah.
Okay.
One of ten.
And this one's a littledifferent because guess what,
guys?
We are going to read Kelly Kangaon the author stage.
Yes.
Yes.
And I think, not I think.
No, no, it's not I think.
I know.
We are on at two o'clock.
SPEAKER_02 (02:00):
We are definitely on at two.
SPEAKER_03 (02:03):
Two o'clock.
SPEAKER_02 (02:04):
So if you can be there, you, if you can be there,
that would be so great.
Uh, with all the kids and allthe family and all the people,
so that we could read our bookand have a warm welcome from
everyone.
SPEAKER_03 (02:20):
Totally, totally.
Okay.
So I I want to share somethingbecause I'm going to enjoy the
fact that we're on video.
I realize that I'm wearing blackagain.
Uh, black is a great color, butit's not my favorite one.
I'm actually wearing a jersey,and I it's the number 22, and
(02:41):
this has been my number for alltime.
And I was just talking to afriend, and her husband was all
into watching football.
So I thought, why not put ajersey on?
Um, so here we are.
Here we are.
Just uh, and I think I knowwho's playing at the halftime
show, but I'm gonna keep mythoughts to myself on all of
(03:03):
that.
SPEAKER_02 (03:03):
Wait, wait, wait, because I heard something about
somebody named Bad Bunny, and umI I I don't know much about this
person, so Bad Bunny.
I might have to do a littleresearch to see who he is and
what he does, or if it might noteven be a he, it might be a
them, it might be a her, itmight be something totally
(03:24):
different.
SPEAKER_03 (03:24):
You really don't know Bad Bunny, do you?
SPEAKER_02 (03:26):
I don't have a clue.
SPEAKER_03 (03:27):
Well, I can't wait for you to look this person up.
SPEAKER_02 (03:30):
Sure.
SPEAKER_03 (03:31):
Yes, okay.
So it's funny because Bad Bunnystarts with a B, but that's not
who we're talking about today inin our ABCs of relationship.
So last time we talked about Afor advice, and today we're
going a little deeper.
So today, B is for boldness,right?
(03:53):
And before you think thatboldness means being loud or
bossy, what we're actuallytalking about is the kind of
boldness that takes heart, takesheart and looks for peace.
And so we're gonna try to tiethat together.
SPEAKER_02 (04:13):
I really like that, Jenna.
Let me tell you why I like thatso much.
Because it takes a certain kindof person to have a heart for
other people.
SPEAKER_03 (04:24):
It really does.
SPEAKER_02 (04:26):
Yeah, because a lot of people don't really care.
I I was in that category for along time.
It took me a while to understandhow to care and then why to care
for other people.
SPEAKER_03 (04:38):
That's very honest of you, and I think that's uh
could be difficult for somepeople to say, um, I don't
really care about what you know,other people.
Right.
And so we just want toacknowledge that that's how some
people are.
So today we're actually going torespect and honor that and say
(05:01):
boldness is part of also beingyourself, right?
Because we've seen one too manyrelationships and maybe have
been in some relationships wherewe weren't who we are.
And I don't know if you all havebeen there, but it's not a good
place to be.
So we want to talk aboutboldness that says say what you
(05:21):
really feel, right?
And then show up fully present.
And we do want to add this, andsometimes boldness means being
able to release, let it go, andwalk away.
SPEAKER_00 (05:34):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (05:36):
Man, okay.
So let's talk about some bravechoices here, Corey.
Um, and I'm gonna have youstart, and we're just gonna
dance together around this wordboldness and see what comes up.
But we are focusing on certaintypes of relationships today,
and that's on your loverelationships.
SPEAKER_02 (05:55):
Let's get out of here.
SPEAKER_03 (05:58):
Yeah.
Um, so love relationships,families, friends, and we're
gonna touch on generations justa little bit.
Uh, as you and I were talking,Corey, we had said really
there's some choices in boldnessand relationship.
We're just in relationships,period.
Uh, what we're inviting youtoday is to determine am I in a
(06:20):
space or I'm in a place whereI'm in a relationship where I
need to speak up, right?
So I'm gonna step in, step up,or maybe I'm in a relationship
where I need to step back.
So those are kind of the threethat we're dancing with.
SPEAKER_01 (06:36):
Right.
SPEAKER_03 (06:36):
Step up, step in, and step back.
So, where do you want to start,Corey?
You get to pick.
SPEAKER_02 (06:42):
So, I'm gonna start with uh the brotherly love and
the boldness, boldness of caringabout a friend.
And I'm starting there onpurpose because uh I said
something that may have movedpeople in the very beginning,
um, that I didn't always carefor people.
Now, just know my trauma ofbeing bullied had a lot to do
(07:07):
with who I had become as ateenager and then a young adult.
But before the bullying, I was avery compassionate individual.
And I remember in the secondgrade first day of school, I was
walking in the school and I raninto a kid that lived around the
(07:29):
corner from me.
I'd seen this kid before, but wenever hung out.
But we realized, like, oh, welive close to one another and
we're going to the same school.
Oh, and by the way, we're in thesame classroom.
So this was just win, win, win,right?
SPEAKER_01 (07:44):
Yes.
SPEAKER_02 (07:45):
Um, get to the classroom, and I'm I'm gonna say
his first name, but not his lastname, just so you know, we
protect all identities.
But Darnell and I were, youknow, buddying up, being pals.
And so uh we found our desk andthen we had to go and gather on
the carpet, which you know,elementary school kids do.
(08:08):
And so we're sitting on thecarpet, and the teacher is
beginning to read and talk andexplain what the the school year
is gonna be about, and suddenlysomeone walks in from uh the
administration office, and Igotta tell this story the way it
happened because if you if youunderstand how this works, this
(08:30):
is this is pretty shocking.
So the the administrator says, Ineed to speak to Darnell, and he
goes out of the classroom, and Ididn't see this kid for a week.
I have no clue where he went, Ihave no clue what's going on,
and I'm really bothered by thisbecause that was gonna be my
(08:51):
best friend for the rest of theyear.
I made that plan, you know.
We we live right around thecorner from each other, we we're
gonna see each other everysingle day.
We're gonna walk to school, walkhome, we'll be each other's
little protection.
So we're gonna be friends.
Uh after the week passed, um, Ifound out that he was moved to a
special education classroom.
(09:13):
And that really offended me.
And so I went over to theclassroom, and it was on the far
side of the building, which Ithought was another situation,
but we won't get into that.
And here's where my boldnessstood up and wanted to reach out
to my friend and get a betterunderstanding.
I I understand he's different,but I don't understand why you
(09:34):
have to move him way over hereand give him a different time
schedule so that I'm coming toschool and leaving school at
different times than he is.
And so the teacher asked me tocome inside the classroom and I
developed a crush on anotherspecial ed student there during
that time, not knowing that youknow that was gonna happen.
(09:55):
And I brought that up foranother specific reason because
later on in the year she gotpicked on, and so it was just
this weird moment in my lifethat I was discovering that just
because you're different, youget separated from everyone, and
so that really broke my heart.
And I said to myself, I don'tcare what kind of friend I have,
(10:18):
I don't care how different theyare, I'm not gonna separate them
in my mind and in my life.
SPEAKER_03 (10:25):
Yeah, yeah.
That explains a lot of who youare today.
It really does.
Um, the indifferences that wesee, uh, and it's not that
you're loud about it, but I canfeel your energy when we see
people who are put down ortreated differently for sure.
SPEAKER_02 (10:50):
Absolutely, yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (10:51):
So it's a beautiful thing to have that boldness at
such a young age in yourfriendships.
Um, boldness for me came lateron in life.
So, you know, it's interesting,Corey, because this month is
Filipino American History Monthor Philam.
And so I'm learning that a lotof who I was was a result of my
(11:16):
culture.
SPEAKER_01 (11:17):
Okay.
SPEAKER_03 (11:17):
So in my culture, as a child, especially, you were
not taught to be bold.
Like I think we were taughtexact opposite.
SPEAKER_02 (11:28):
I was about to say that the exact opposite.
SPEAKER_03 (11:30):
Yes, yes.
So I learned though, so growingup, I was not bold for myself,
but I was bold for everybodyelse.
SPEAKER_02 (11:39):
Okay.
SPEAKER_03 (11:40):
Uh, and so that was something that I realized, so we
have that in common.
And it wasn't until probably myearly 20s that boldness came up
in in myself.
And then when I became aware ofwho I was, what my strengths
were, it's okay to say no, it'sokay to set boundaries.
(12:02):
Then I was able to really bepresent for other people.
And so, very different than you,I cared about people.
I just didn't know how to showcare for other people.
I didn't know how to be presentfor anyone and really listen
because I was so lost in my ownstuff, you know, that kind of
way.
(12:22):
So here's what I'm going to sayabout boldness in relationships.
I think for me, I've learnedthat presence is so much more
than performance.
I performed very well.
I performed how to be a goodchild.
I performed how to be a goodfriend.
Meanwhile, I lacked all sorts ofboldness because of all the
(12:46):
stuff that was going on inside,you know, that kind of way.
Yeah.
So boldness for me showed up inrelationship with self, um,
saying that, okay, there'ssomething wrong here.
I need to talk to somebody, andthis somebody, and I love my
people, love, love beingFilipino.
That's a whole nother episode.
But I realized it can't besomeone who's Filipino, and it
(13:10):
can't be truly someone from achurch that helped me because
that was part of my performance.
I knew what they were lookingfor in a church, I knew what
they were looking for in myculture, and I needed somewhere
where I could just be.
SPEAKER_02 (13:24):
Wow.
SPEAKER_03 (13:25):
Right.
So that was my bold move to stepout of that so I could step in
and find myself.
SPEAKER_02 (13:33):
That makes a lot of sense.
SPEAKER_03 (13:34):
Yeah.
So it's coming up that boldnessis really courage.
And and hearing you, I thinkit's courage combined with
compassion.
Right?
Like I think that's the thing,especially when we're talking
about relationships.
So I have a question for you.
SPEAKER_02 (13:52):
Okay.
SPEAKER_03 (13:53):
Um, I'm not gonna my question was, but this it's too
easy for Corey.
My question was actually gonnabe when was the last time you
were bold enough to be your fullauthentic self in a
relationship?
That's we're not gonna ask that.
What I'd love to ask you is thatin relationships, it causes us
to love boldly in action.
(14:14):
And you were the first to say, Ilove you to me.
And um, I just am curious abouthow that comes comes to you to
just be the first not knowingwhat's what, and boldly in
(14:36):
action profession.
SPEAKER_02 (14:39):
Good question, and I didn't say that to stall, which
a lot of people typically do.
SPEAKER_03 (14:45):
That's a good stalling technique, though.
SPEAKER_02 (14:47):
Great question.
Let me start here.
No, um, so I'm I'm always reallyclear on how I feel.
I'm always checking in, makingsure, is this what you're
feeling?
Does this make sense?
Is this irrational or does doesthis have validation in your
mind, in your heart, and in yourlife right now?
(15:09):
And with that consistentchecking in to find those true
feelings, it allows me to betrue with myself opposed to
telling myself a lie or or justgoing with what feels good for
the moment.
I've never been a go with theflow kind of person or go with
what feels good right now.
(15:30):
Um, so it's easier for me tojust really dig deep and ask
those those hard questions.
And I didn't even find this out,Jen, but a lot of a lot of
people don't ask themselvesquestions, they don't have those
deep um conversations withthemselves to say, how are you
really feeling about this?
(15:52):
Like, what's going on inside ofyou that's allowing you to feel
this way?
You know what I mean?
So yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (15:58):
Yeah, so you did all that, and I will say that what
I've learned from you in lovingboldly is that it's deeply
rooted, it's not reckless,right?
Because of your practice, thatwhen you choose to love someone
boldly, you're thinking aboutyour actions, you're asking
yourself that question.
(16:20):
Uh, I think we've shared thisbefore, where man, one of the
boldest things I've ever doneand didn't know that we were
doing it.
Maybe you did, because youtalked to yourself and asked
yourself these questions.
Is I did not fully process ablended family.
I think when someone goes into ablended family, that's a bold
(16:43):
move.
Uh, because it's big.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (16:47):
Big, big.
It it and it takes a lot ofeffort and energy to take that
on.
And and I pause slightly becauseI remember just thinking, I
don't know if I'm completelyprepared for this.
I don't know if I can handlethis kind of responsibility.
You know, you're you're talkingabout another set of children
(17:11):
that has a parent that hasaccess to their lives, and they
can change the trajectory ofyour parenting by simply
interjecting at any given momentand minimize what you've said,
and they're living in yourhouse.
The kids are living in yourhouse, but they can change how
(17:32):
things are gonna go, and so youhave to be able to maneuver in
real time and say, Okay, how howdo I bounce back from that?
They they just got their wayfrom a parent that doesn't even
live here.
Yeah, what do we do?
And when when I'm confrontingthat, I'm saying, yo, you really
(17:52):
gotta get up early in themorning to figure this one out.
SPEAKER_03 (17:57):
Definitely, definitely.
And and when I think of ablended family, I think uh
speaking of dance, and I'm gonnaconnect this with advice, is
that as we're talking aboutboldness and its love and
action, is to remember that loveand action is also about
(18:18):
tenderness.
So we can give advice all daylong, but what I've learned from
you and being with you and doingfamily with you is that we were
able to decipher when withadvice, of course, it needed to
be coupled with feeling andgently giving it and being
(18:42):
tender because that dynamic ofblended is already volatile in
itself.
Not only are the adults tryingto figure this out with other
adults, you've got kids who areso like our sons were used to
being the youngest child.
Yeah, and so you get two boys,youngest, and when they get into
when they got into theiradolescence and then the
(19:04):
hormones kicked up, that was awhole nother experience.
Yeah, a whole nother experience.
So for me, I also think theboldness was in staying in it.
I'm not gonna lie.
I mean, not just because we wereblended, but we had other things
and skeletons in our closetsthat we had not addressed, we
(19:25):
hadn't even begun to heal from,right?
And so you just kind of feellike this is too much.
SPEAKER_02 (19:32):
Yeah, we were literally literally up to our
ears in what do we do?
How do we figure this out?
And so if you're listening tothis and you're saying, wow, how
did you guys figure this out?
It's it's not really about thethe figuring it out.
What this is really about isthis just the commitment to
saying, we're gonna do this nomatter what, we're gonna get
(19:55):
through this no matter what.
And we we didn't have anyanswers, we didn't have any
flashcards to flip over and say,oh, yeah, that's it.
This is what we can do.
We we had no one that waswilling to sit down with us
outside of professional help,which we didn't seek at the
time.
I think later on we did dialinto some people that you know
(20:19):
could feed into our lives, butat the moment, it was just uh
trying to we were constantlyadjusting.
That's that's what I can saywith an open, honest heart.
We were constantly pivoting, howyou just say that pivoting?
Pivoting and adjusting.
SPEAKER_03 (20:37):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And it's interesting.
Gory and I have been togetherfor 22 years, uh, and I wanted
to share this.
Um maybe two weeks ago, I justhad a conversation with you, and
just 22 years later, I finallyhad the courage, but I was I was
(20:57):
waiting for the right timing toshare something that was so
vulnerable, even with myhusband, it was vulnerable.
Um, and just speak the honesttruth.
I think that's also part ofbeing bold is honesty.
And when you're in arelationship with the right
person, there's no condemnation,there's no judgment, hopefully,
(21:22):
there's more curiosity thananything, um, acceptance and
love.
And there we go again withtenderness, compassion.
SPEAKER_02 (21:30):
We say understanding yet, understanding.
SPEAKER_03 (21:33):
Yeah, yeah, definitely that.
Definitely.
Um, what's a bold act of lovethat you might be holding back
in in a relationship?
Not necessarily ours, but isthere one a friendship, family
relationship that is calling forboldness and you've kind of
(21:55):
stepped back from it forwhatever reason?
SPEAKER_02 (21:57):
Yeah, you know what?
It there's always that skeletonthat we are terrified to let
out, you know, and we can godown the list.
You know, I was abused.
Um I'm dealing with addiction.
Uh I have, you know, may maybeit's some kind of illness that
(22:22):
you're, you know, carrying oryou you have or you're battling
as far as like um and I'm go uhslightly deep.
Even a sexually transmitteddisease that you know, you're
you're worried, like if I letthis out of the closet, it's
gonna change everything.
(22:42):
And that's with a with a with afemale to a male or a male to a
female, or you just want toshare this with your best friend
who you've grown up with oryou're growing up with, and
you're like, I got this thingI'm carrying, and I don't know
how to unload it, but I reallywant to.
And so if I do this, I may belooked at, and then, you know,
(23:04):
are you gonna eat with me?
Are you gonna go to, you know,to the bathroom?
Uh are you worried about what Ican do to you or how I can
affect you?
So yeah, I can see how that, youknow, and and I'm sorry for
those listening to go so deep,but I have to because these are
real situations people aredealing with.
SPEAKER_03 (23:26):
Yeah, yeah.
I wasn't expecting that kind ofdepth, but it's needed.
And I just thank you forbringing that up, because
obviously someone needs to hearthat.
Yeah, definitely.
I think for me, I'm trying, youknow, boldness for me,
(23:49):
especially in with my pastrelationships, um, including
family, boldness is forgiveness,right?
Because sometimes it's easierjust to not deal and say, well,
you know what?
I'm I'm setting this hard.
No, I I don't care to be in thisrelationship anymore.
(24:10):
It's not getting anywhere, it'snot good for me anymore, it's
hurting me.
And I think that's valid.
I think there definitely arerelationships that continue to
hurt you, and the abuse is new.
But when you're talking aboutsomething that's from years,
decades ago, for me, there'sroom for forgiveness because
(24:31):
that behavior isn't continuing,it's just something that's been
left there.
So, man, there is extremeboldness in being able to
forgive and being able to havethose hard conversations and
just ask those honest questions.
Um, man, it's just that there'sa release.
(24:52):
So the same way we say stepback, I think that means more
than one thing.
Step back doesn't really meanexit.
Step back might mean I just needthis time a little bit, or I'm
stepping back and I'm not goingin with these um thoughts
already made up.
Maybe there's something that Ineed to understand.
Right.
(25:12):
And and I don't know what it isyet, right?
So um I'm I'm grateful for thegift of forgiveness because
forgiveness has not beenone-sided.
Sometimes we forget about that,right?
Like, oh, they did me wrong orthey hurt me, and I've got to be
the bigger person and forgivethem.
I don't forget that I've beenforgiven too.
(25:34):
Yeah.
You know, like it is it has notbeen, oh, I I rose above and I
did not harm you or hurt you.
Very aware.
SPEAKER_02 (25:44):
I'm gonna pause just for a second because I know that
was that even saying that wastough for you.
And um, I I know that I know youvery well, and I know when when
what plagues you, your mind,your your thoughts.
And so um, I'm I'm gonna commendyou on that one and and just say
(26:06):
that you did a good job of that.
Um, a lot of times our traumawill prevent us from even having
casual conversation about themost simplistic parts of that
trauma.
We're not even getting to thethe the weeds of it.
You know, we're not even namingit, but it's just tough to just
(26:27):
dance around that simple part ofyeah, I I have to forgive.
I I've been forgiven, and Ididn't deserve it.
And maybe they didn't deserveit.
Maybe I shouldn't have forgaveso easily.
You know, it's all these thingsthat just keep coming up, you
know?
Yeah and and guys, um, I'm gonnasay this because I know someone
(26:52):
out there is saying tothemselves, do I have to
forgive?
No, you don't, but that burdenon you is gonna be so heavy and
it's hard to carry it, so youmight as well just let it go.
SPEAKER_03 (27:08):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (27:09):
And and begin to live and enjoy your life because
once you let it go, and I'm notsaying let it go like you don't
think about it, you don'tremember it.
I mean give the the the past aforgiveness so that you can live
boldly.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (27:26):
I really appreciate that you what you said that you
we're not saying you have toforgive.
And I want to say that becausewe care about people, do we
highly recommend it?
Yes.
Because there's a freedom inthat release, and it really
(27:47):
helps you move in life.
There you're not held back.
Um, and if that's something thatyou're struggling with, please
seek help, find a supportsystem, and because you're
you're important, and that thatshould happen.
SPEAKER_02 (28:07):
More important than that thing you're carrying.
SPEAKER_03 (28:09):
That's right.
That's right.
Okay, so we've been talkingabout talking and expressing and
forgiveness and asking thosehonest questions, saying I love
you, and just taking taking thatbold move, not really knowing
what's gonna be returned.
There's also what we call thesilent boldness.
(28:32):
And so it's the you matterenough for my full attention,
and right now I'm boldly gonnabe in stillness with you.
SPEAKER_00 (28:45):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (28:45):
Right?
Um because Corey, when I saythis sentence, tell me what you
think, I say presence heals andconnects.
SPEAKER_02 (28:58):
That that says that you being here, you being in the
present, uh allows me to beginthat process that that heals.
And you being here also bringsus closer, so that there's a
connection.
SPEAKER_03 (29:15):
Yeah.
Beautiful.
So I think that's simply stated.
SPEAKER_00 (29:19):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (29:21):
Um trust in the silence, trust in that
stillness.
It's a beautiful thing to bethere.
In fact, this weekend, I'm gonnasay 80% of our time together was
in stillness.
There was really no exchange ofwords, we're constantly in
dialogue, and sometimes justbeing in the same space is
(29:43):
enough, right?
SPEAKER_02 (29:44):
Yeah, but let me just clear the air because when
clear the air then.
When the time of silence isover.
When the time of silence isover, Jen wants to talk.
But to her credit, I want totalk.
SPEAKER_03 (30:01):
Yes, I love to talk.
Yes.
Do you remember when oh mygoodness, true story?
And I don't know if anyone'slike this.
If I sat in stillness andsilence, what would I ask you?
SPEAKER_02 (30:13):
Anything to break the silence.
SPEAKER_03 (30:15):
I just remember typically it was what's wrong.
SPEAKER_02 (30:18):
What's wrong?
Did I do something?
Are you mad?
Yes.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (30:23):
Yes, I really thought like I triggered him to
be like silence was seen for meas like punishment or silent
treatment or you're ignoring me.
SPEAKER_02 (30:34):
Yeah, and I I just do not, as I said last week, I
don't do silent treatment.
There's no rational reason toput anybody through that.
SPEAKER_03 (30:43):
Right.
Well, let's go back though towhat I said a few minutes ago.
SPEAKER_02 (30:46):
Sure.
SPEAKER_03 (30:46):
I think silence just killed me because I had to be in
my thoughts.
Oh, so before was I a constantnoise maker, um, looking for
anything to fill the quiet?
Absolutely.
Yeah.
And um, that for me was a hugesign that I had issues with
(31:10):
myself, issues with my thoughts,uh, and didn't want to deal with
them.
SPEAKER_02 (31:16):
Right.
Jen, let me ask you a question.
SPEAKER_03 (31:18):
Sure.
SPEAKER_02 (31:19):
So you mentioned the boldness and silence.
Have you ever used that boldnessnot to validate to some uh not
to validate someone or to notaffirm someone?
So you remain silent and theywere looking for that.
Well, you you do agree, right?
SPEAKER_03 (31:36):
Yeah, yep.
Oh, this is such a good questionbecause here's another bold
move.
We are taught, especially in mymy field, in the line of work I
do, what presence looks like,what it should, what it should
sound like, the things thatmaybe you should even say.
(31:58):
So interestingly, interestinglyenough, it contradicts the human
connection because now you'resaying how presence should look.
SPEAKER_02 (32:10):
Right.
SPEAKER_03 (32:10):
Uh so how have I used that?
People have shared things withme, and I just hold the space,
and what they'll teach you is,hmm, that's interesting.
Or tell me more about that,right?
Right?
Those are really good umtechniques, but I'm a firm
(32:32):
believer that get past thetechniques because then everyone
learns that, oh, this is atechnique.
Is she really present?
Or is she just like goingthrough the motions?
SPEAKER_02 (32:43):
Right, right.
SPEAKER_03 (32:44):
So I with people that I'm in relationship with, I
said, thanks for sharing thatwith me.
And if I may, can I ask somequestions so I can fully wrap my
mind around what you're tellingme?
Okay, and then we have thatconversation, and I think it's a
beautiful, bold, loving,peaceful space to be in when two
(33:07):
people can disagree.
SPEAKER_02 (33:09):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (33:10):
And it's just that.
Yes, it's I'm not taking itpersonally, it's just we don't
agree.
SPEAKER_02 (33:15):
No, no, I totally understand.
Uh, I just want to say somethingthat I hope I trigger something
in someone, and and I and I'mbeing very intentional about
what that word, what I'm aboutto say.
Yeah, um, there's a lot ofcoaches, there's a lot of people
in this field of coaching peopleand asking questions and getting
(33:38):
someone to think about whatthey're about to say or how
they're gonna say it, uh, wherethey want to go.
Guys, please understand, likeme, my wife is a coach, so I
know what it's like to becoached.
You can't use coaching in everysituation.
SPEAKER_03 (33:59):
In fact, believe it or not, it's part of the
education you receive whenbecoming a coach.
SPEAKER_01 (34:07):
Right.
SPEAKER_03 (34:07):
Um I had a have, I have a good friend when I was in
crisis, and she started askingme coaching questions, and I
just was like, what are youdoing right now?
And I think I even said, youdon't have permission to coach
me right now.
SPEAKER_02 (34:28):
We have to be in an agreement.
SPEAKER_03 (34:29):
Yeah, it's like what I really want right now is just
a friend.
SPEAKER_02 (34:33):
Right, right.
SPEAKER_03 (34:34):
Um, maybe to talk me off the ledge.
And I think that's where itbecomes dangerous when you take
one method and you apply it toyour whole life.
I know for me, that when youallow me the space to share and
you give me your thoughts,that's how people learn.
Yeah, right.
It's learning through otherpeople's experiences, other
(34:56):
people's opinions, and it's notforced, it's just here's this.
SPEAKER_02 (35:02):
And for us normies, meaning us people that are not
coaches, we got to give gracefor those that are just now
getting through the process ofbecoming a coach.
And we have to break that quitenicely.
I learned I had to learn thatthe hard way because I I did say
in the uh beginning of ourexperience, yeah, I don't want
(35:25):
to be coached right now.
SPEAKER_03 (35:27):
Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_02 (35:28):
And even though it wasn't an aggressive, I don't
want to be coached right now,what I was ultimately saying in
that moment to her was this isnot what I want, but it's never
about what we want asindividuals.
We always have to take inconsideration what both parties
(35:48):
are in need of.
So, hey, we'll let's provide acoaching opportunity later on.
But right now, let's have thiskind of conversation so that we
can answer some of the questionsthat are are pertinent to what
we're going through.
SPEAKER_03 (36:02):
Yeah.
That's a good point.
Yep.
And that reminds me that when wewant to walk away with peace,
and I don't know about you all,but man, peace is such a
beautiful thing to have in yourlife, uh, especially, especially
in the world we live in.
Um so I asked myself, if Iwalked away with peace in
(36:27):
certain relationships, whattruth about myself would I be
honoring?
So if I want to walk away withpeace, what truth about me would
I be honoring?
And sometimes it's just sittingand listening or asking the
(36:50):
curious questions.
But it what I'm sayingultimately is stay in line with
your integrity and your valuesand what you're about.
I feel like that is such a goodNorth Compass.
It's such a good guiding tool onhow to be in your relationships,
you know.
SPEAKER_02 (37:10):
I'm just gonna say it, Jen.
I love how bold thisconversation has been.
I've enjoyed every step andevery moment of it.
And thank you for putting thistogether.
It's helped me to even see alittle bit more of a broader
picture of what we're dealingwith when we're talking about
boldness in a relationship.
SPEAKER_03 (37:30):
Absolutely.
And consistency with yourcharacter.
So I'm I'm gonna end with thisreflection question.
You know how I just love these.
Is think about where in yourlife do you need to love more
boldly, to speak truth, to staypresent, or to finally let go.
(37:50):
We didn't really talk about theletting go piece.
Um, but you can think aboutwords like releasing, not
resisting, again, staying trueto your values, consistent with
who you are and what you'reabout, and balancing that and
knowing when enough's enough.
(38:13):
Right.
Um okay, Corey, share one answerbefore we go.
What's this one small bold truthyou could practice this week?
SPEAKER_02 (38:26):
Leaning in and understanding more.
How about you?
SPEAKER_03 (38:31):
That's a good one.
For me, it's more allowance forothers to be.
I that sounds very cryptic,doesn't it?
Here's what I mean is thatbecause I'm such a partner of
people, that partnership can gooverboard.
(38:54):
And maybe the partnership isjust being there and not
necessarily giving an opinion,you know?
Um what I love about this isthat being bold doesn't have to
start big.
I think we emphasize this quitea bit on on the elevator, is
(39:15):
that it starts with just itcould be one honest word, one
brave step, one moment of peace,and that's the boldness that
comes out.
I've got a lot to think aboutthis week.
SPEAKER_02 (39:35):
You and me both.
SPEAKER_03 (39:36):
Yeah, really good.
Well, next um podcast, we'regonna end the ABCs because we'll
be on C, and that'll be a littlebit of a surprise.
Um, please take a listenwherever you're at to this
podcast.
We are also now on YouTube onJen the Builder.
(39:58):
I personally um find itinteresting to see the body
movement and the facialexpressions as we're doing this
podcast, but you get to pickyour flavor.
We're just glad you're here.
And you know us to take theelevator.
We say, look up and let'selevate every day, elevate every
(40:27):
day, elevate every day, elevate,every day.
Every day elevate every day elevate every day
elevate.
SPEAKER_03 (00:17):
Hey, it's Jen the Builder and Corey.
And we are on Take the Elevator.
Welcome back, everybody.
We love our elevator family, soit's so good to have you here
today.
SPEAKER_02 (00:29):
So good to be here today.
SPEAKER_03 (00:32):
I am stoked about the fact that we're going into
the second part of our series.
But before we get into all ofthat, Corey, I think we agreed
that there is one hugeannouncement that we'd like to
share with our friends.
SPEAKER_02 (00:50):
Okay.
Please take the floor.
You may have it.
SPEAKER_03 (00:53):
Okay.
I'm going to try to the best ofmy ability.
Um, and Corey, you could fill inthe details.
So on Saturday, which would bethe 11th.
SPEAKER_01 (01:03):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (01:04):
So 10, 11, Corey and I are going to be in Riverside
at the library there.
SPEAKER_02 (01:10):
Inlandia uh book festival.
SPEAKER_03 (01:14):
Okay.
So yeah, it's called InlandiaBook Festival at the Riverside
Public Library.
Yes.
And it looks like it's anoutdoor event.
SPEAKER_02 (01:23):
Definitely outdoor.
SPEAKER_03 (01:24):
Yeah.
So Corey and I, I don't know.
It looks like based on theseating, we're one out of seven
children's book authors, whichis very different than our last
event.
There was about 60, one of 60.
This is one of seven, maybe.
SPEAKER_02 (01:39):
Actually, it's uh one of ten.
SPEAKER_03 (01:41):
Oh, one of ten.
Yeah.
Okay.
One of ten.
And this one's a littledifferent because guess what,
guys?
We are going to read Kelly Kangaon the author stage.
Yes.
Yes.
And I think, not I think.
No, no, it's not I think.
I know.
We are on at two o'clock.
SPEAKER_02 (02:00):
We are definitely on at two.
SPEAKER_03 (02:03):
Two o'clock.
SPEAKER_02 (02:04):
So if you can be there, you, if you can be there,
that would be so great.
Uh, with all the kids and allthe family and all the people,
so that we could read our bookand have a warm welcome from
everyone.
SPEAKER_03 (02:20):
Totally, totally.
Okay.
So I I want to share somethingbecause I'm going to enjoy the
fact that we're on video.
I realize that I'm wearing blackagain.
Uh, black is a great color, butit's not my favorite one.
I'm actually wearing a jersey,and I it's the number 22, and
(02:41):
this has been my number for alltime.
And I was just talking to afriend, and her husband was all
into watching football.
So I thought, why not put ajersey on?
Um, so here we are.
Here we are.
Just uh, and I think I knowwho's playing at the halftime
show, but I'm gonna keep mythoughts to myself on all of
(03:03):
that.
SPEAKER_02 (03:03):
Wait, wait, wait, because I heard something about
somebody named Bad Bunny, and umI I I don't know much about this
person, so Bad Bunny.
I might have to do a littleresearch to see who he is and
what he does, or if it might noteven be a he, it might be a
them, it might be a her, itmight be something totally
(03:24):
different.
SPEAKER_03 (03:24):
You really don't know Bad Bunny, do you?
SPEAKER_02 (03:26):
I don't have a clue.
SPEAKER_03 (03:27):
Well, I can't wait for you to look this person up.
SPEAKER_02 (03:30):
Sure.
SPEAKER_03 (03:31):
Yes, okay.
So it's funny because Bad Bunnystarts with a B, but that's not
who we're talking about today inin our ABCs of relationship.
So last time we talked about Afor advice, and today we're
going a little deeper.
So today, B is for boldness,right?
(03:53):
And before you think thatboldness means being loud or
bossy, what we're actuallytalking about is the kind of
boldness that takes heart, takesheart and looks for peace.
And so we're gonna try to tiethat together.
SPEAKER_02 (04:13):
I really like that, Jenna.
Let me tell you why I like thatso much.
Because it takes a certain kindof person to have a heart for
other people.
SPEAKER_03 (04:24):
It really does.
SPEAKER_02 (04:26):
Yeah, because a lot of people don't really care.
I I was in that category for along time.
It took me a while to understandhow to care and then why to care
for other people.
SPEAKER_03 (04:38):
That's very honest of you, and I think that's uh
could be difficult for somepeople to say, um, I don't
really care about what you know,other people.
Right.
And so we just want toacknowledge that that's how some
people are.
So today we're actually going torespect and honor that and say
(05:01):
boldness is part of also beingyourself, right?
Because we've seen one too manyrelationships and maybe have
been in some relationships wherewe weren't who we are.
And I don't know if you all havebeen there, but it's not a good
place to be.
So we want to talk aboutboldness that says say what you
(05:21):
really feel, right?
And then show up fully present.
And we do want to add this, andsometimes boldness means being
able to release, let it go, andwalk away.
SPEAKER_00 (05:34):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (05:36):
Man, okay.
So let's talk about some bravechoices here, Corey.
Um, and I'm gonna have youstart, and we're just gonna
dance together around this wordboldness and see what comes up.
But we are focusing on certaintypes of relationships today,
and that's on your loverelationships.
SPEAKER_02 (05:55):
Let's get out of here.
SPEAKER_03 (05:58):
Yeah.
Um, so love relationships,families, friends, and we're
gonna touch on generations justa little bit.
Uh, as you and I were talking,Corey, we had said really
there's some choices in boldnessand relationship.
We're just in relationships,period.
Uh, what we're inviting youtoday is to determine am I in a
(06:20):
space or I'm in a place whereI'm in a relationship where I
need to speak up, right?
So I'm gonna step in, step up,or maybe I'm in a relationship
where I need to step back.
So those are kind of the threethat we're dancing with.
SPEAKER_01 (06:36):
Right.
SPEAKER_03 (06:36):
Step up, step in, and step back.
So, where do you want to start,Corey?
You get to pick.
SPEAKER_02 (06:42):
So, I'm gonna start with uh the brotherly love and
the boldness, boldness of caringabout a friend.
And I'm starting there onpurpose because uh I said
something that may have movedpeople in the very beginning,
um, that I didn't always carefor people.
Now, just know my trauma ofbeing bullied had a lot to do
(07:07):
with who I had become as ateenager and then a young adult.
But before the bullying, I was avery compassionate individual.
And I remember in the secondgrade first day of school, I was
walking in the school and I raninto a kid that lived around the
(07:29):
corner from me.
I'd seen this kid before, but wenever hung out.
But we realized, like, oh, welive close to one another and
we're going to the same school.
Oh, and by the way, we're in thesame classroom.
So this was just win, win, win,right?
SPEAKER_01 (07:44):
Yes.
SPEAKER_02 (07:45):
Um, get to the classroom, and I'm I'm gonna say
his first name, but not his lastname, just so you know, we
protect all identities.
But Darnell and I were, youknow, buddying up, being pals.
And so uh we found our desk andthen we had to go and gather on
the carpet, which you know,elementary school kids do.
(08:08):
And so we're sitting on thecarpet, and the teacher is
beginning to read and talk andexplain what the the school year
is gonna be about, and suddenlysomeone walks in from uh the
administration office, and Igotta tell this story the way it
happened because if you if youunderstand how this works, this
(08:30):
is this is pretty shocking.
So the the administrator says, Ineed to speak to Darnell, and he
goes out of the classroom, and Ididn't see this kid for a week.
I have no clue where he went, Ihave no clue what's going on,
and I'm really bothered by thisbecause that was gonna be my
(08:51):
best friend for the rest of theyear.
I made that plan, you know.
We we live right around thecorner from each other, we we're
gonna see each other everysingle day.
We're gonna walk to school, walkhome, we'll be each other's
little protection.
So we're gonna be friends.
Uh after the week passed, um, Ifound out that he was moved to a
special education classroom.
(09:13):
And that really offended me.
And so I went over to theclassroom, and it was on the far
side of the building, which Ithought was another situation,
but we won't get into that.
And here's where my boldnessstood up and wanted to reach out
to my friend and get a betterunderstanding.
I I understand he's different,but I don't understand why you
(09:34):
have to move him way over hereand give him a different time
schedule so that I'm coming toschool and leaving school at
different times than he is.
And so the teacher asked me tocome inside the classroom and I
developed a crush on anotherspecial ed student there during
that time, not knowing that youknow that was gonna happen.
(09:55):
And I brought that up foranother specific reason because
later on in the year she gotpicked on, and so it was just
this weird moment in my lifethat I was discovering that just
because you're different, youget separated from everyone, and
so that really broke my heart.
And I said to myself, I don'tcare what kind of friend I have,
(10:18):
I don't care how different theyare, I'm not gonna separate them
in my mind and in my life.
SPEAKER_03 (10:25):
Yeah, yeah.
That explains a lot of who youare today.
It really does.
Um, the indifferences that wesee, uh, and it's not that
you're loud about it, but I canfeel your energy when we see
people who are put down ortreated differently for sure.
SPEAKER_02 (10:50):
Absolutely, yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (10:51):
So it's a beautiful thing to have that boldness at
such a young age in yourfriendships.
Um, boldness for me came lateron in life.
So, you know, it's interesting,Corey, because this month is
Filipino American History Monthor Philam.
And so I'm learning that a lotof who I was was a result of my
(11:16):
culture.
SPEAKER_01 (11:17):
Okay.
SPEAKER_03 (11:17):
So in my culture, as a child, especially, you were
not taught to be bold.
Like I think we were taughtexact opposite.
SPEAKER_02 (11:28):
I was about to say that the exact opposite.
SPEAKER_03 (11:30):
Yes, yes.
So I learned though, so growingup, I was not bold for myself,
but I was bold for everybodyelse.
SPEAKER_02 (11:39):
Okay.
SPEAKER_03 (11:40):
Uh, and so that was something that I realized, so we
have that in common.
And it wasn't until probably myearly 20s that boldness came up
in in myself.
And then when I became aware ofwho I was, what my strengths
were, it's okay to say no, it'sokay to set boundaries.
(12:02):
Then I was able to really bepresent for other people.
And so, very different than you,I cared about people.
I just didn't know how to showcare for other people.
I didn't know how to be presentfor anyone and really listen
because I was so lost in my ownstuff, you know, that kind of
way.
(12:22):
So here's what I'm going to sayabout boldness in relationships.
I think for me, I've learnedthat presence is so much more
than performance.
I performed very well.
I performed how to be a goodchild.
I performed how to be a goodfriend.
Meanwhile, I lacked all sorts ofboldness because of all the
(12:46):
stuff that was going on inside,you know, that kind of way.
Yeah.
So boldness for me showed up inrelationship with self, um,
saying that, okay, there'ssomething wrong here.
I need to talk to somebody, andthis somebody, and I love my
people, love, love beingFilipino.
That's a whole nother episode.
But I realized it can't besomeone who's Filipino, and it
(13:10):
can't be truly someone from achurch that helped me because
that was part of my performance.
I knew what they were lookingfor in a church, I knew what
they were looking for in myculture, and I needed somewhere
where I could just be.
SPEAKER_02 (13:24):
Wow.
SPEAKER_03 (13:25):
Right.
So that was my bold move to stepout of that so I could step in
and find myself.
SPEAKER_02 (13:33):
That makes a lot of sense.
SPEAKER_03 (13:34):
Yeah.
So it's coming up that boldnessis really courage.
And and hearing you, I thinkit's courage combined with
compassion.
Right?
Like I think that's the thing,especially when we're talking
about relationships.
So I have a question for you.
SPEAKER_02 (13:52):
Okay.
SPEAKER_03 (13:53):
Um, I'm not gonna my question was, but this it's too
easy for Corey.
My question was actually gonnabe when was the last time you
were bold enough to be your fullauthentic self in a
relationship?
That's we're not gonna ask that.
What I'd love to ask you is thatin relationships, it causes us
to love boldly in action.
(14:14):
And you were the first to say, Ilove you to me.
And um, I just am curious abouthow that comes comes to you to
just be the first not knowingwhat's what, and boldly in
(14:36):
action profession.
SPEAKER_02 (14:39):
Good question, and I didn't say that to stall, which
a lot of people typically do.
SPEAKER_03 (14:45):
That's a good stalling technique, though.
SPEAKER_02 (14:47):
Great question.
Let me start here.
No, um, so I'm I'm always reallyclear on how I feel.
I'm always checking in, makingsure, is this what you're
feeling?
Does this make sense?
Is this irrational or does doesthis have validation in your
mind, in your heart, and in yourlife right now?
(15:09):
And with that consistentchecking in to find those true
feelings, it allows me to betrue with myself opposed to
telling myself a lie or or justgoing with what feels good for
the moment.
I've never been a go with theflow kind of person or go with
what feels good right now.
(15:30):
Um, so it's easier for me tojust really dig deep and ask
those those hard questions.
And I didn't even find this out,Jen, but a lot of a lot of
people don't ask themselvesquestions, they don't have those
deep um conversations withthemselves to say, how are you
really feeling about this?
(15:52):
Like, what's going on inside ofyou that's allowing you to feel
this way?
You know what I mean?
So yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (15:58):
Yeah, so you did all that, and I will say that what
I've learned from you in lovingboldly is that it's deeply
rooted, it's not reckless,right?
Because of your practice, thatwhen you choose to love someone
boldly, you're thinking aboutyour actions, you're asking
yourself that question.
(16:20):
Uh, I think we've shared thisbefore, where man, one of the
boldest things I've ever doneand didn't know that we were
doing it.
Maybe you did, because youtalked to yourself and asked
yourself these questions.
Is I did not fully process ablended family.
I think when someone goes into ablended family, that's a bold
(16:43):
move.
Uh, because it's big.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (16:47):
Big, big.
It it and it takes a lot ofeffort and energy to take that
on.
And and I pause slightly becauseI remember just thinking, I
don't know if I'm completelyprepared for this.
I don't know if I can handlethis kind of responsibility.
You know, you're you're talkingabout another set of children
(17:11):
that has a parent that hasaccess to their lives, and they
can change the trajectory ofyour parenting by simply
interjecting at any given momentand minimize what you've said,
and they're living in yourhouse.
The kids are living in yourhouse, but they can change how
(17:32):
things are gonna go, and so youhave to be able to maneuver in
real time and say, Okay, how howdo I bounce back from that?
They they just got their wayfrom a parent that doesn't even
live here.
Yeah, what do we do?
And when when I'm confrontingthat, I'm saying, yo, you really
(17:52):
gotta get up early in themorning to figure this one out.
SPEAKER_03 (17:57):
Definitely, definitely.
And and when I think of ablended family, I think uh
speaking of dance, and I'm gonnaconnect this with advice, is
that as we're talking aboutboldness and its love and
action, is to remember that loveand action is also about
(18:18):
tenderness.
So we can give advice all daylong, but what I've learned from
you and being with you and doingfamily with you is that we were
able to decipher when withadvice, of course, it needed to
be coupled with feeling andgently giving it and being
(18:42):
tender because that dynamic ofblended is already volatile in
itself.
Not only are the adults tryingto figure this out with other
adults, you've got kids who areso like our sons were used to
being the youngest child.
Yeah, and so you get two boys,youngest, and when they get into
when they got into theiradolescence and then the
(19:04):
hormones kicked up, that was awhole nother experience.
Yeah, a whole nother experience.
So for me, I also think theboldness was in staying in it.
I'm not gonna lie.
I mean, not just because we wereblended, but we had other things
and skeletons in our closetsthat we had not addressed, we
(19:25):
hadn't even begun to heal from,right?
And so you just kind of feellike this is too much.
SPEAKER_02 (19:32):
Yeah, we were literally literally up to our
ears in what do we do?
How do we figure this out?
And so if you're listening tothis and you're saying, wow, how
did you guys figure this out?
It's it's not really about thethe figuring it out.
What this is really about isthis just the commitment to
saying, we're gonna do this nomatter what, we're gonna get
(19:55):
through this no matter what.
And we we didn't have anyanswers, we didn't have any
flashcards to flip over and say,oh, yeah, that's it.
This is what we can do.
We we had no one that waswilling to sit down with us
outside of professional help,which we didn't seek at the
time.
I think later on we did dialinto some people that you know
(20:19):
could feed into our lives, butat the moment, it was just uh
trying to we were constantlyadjusting.
That's that's what I can saywith an open, honest heart.
We were constantly pivoting, howyou just say that pivoting?
Pivoting and adjusting.
SPEAKER_03 (20:37):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And it's interesting.
Gory and I have been togetherfor 22 years, uh, and I wanted
to share this.
Um maybe two weeks ago, I justhad a conversation with you, and
just 22 years later, I finallyhad the courage, but I was I was
(20:57):
waiting for the right timing toshare something that was so
vulnerable, even with myhusband, it was vulnerable.
Um, and just speak the honesttruth.
I think that's also part ofbeing bold is honesty.
And when you're in arelationship with the right
person, there's no condemnation,there's no judgment, hopefully,
(21:22):
there's more curiosity thananything, um, acceptance and
love.
And there we go again withtenderness, compassion.
SPEAKER_02 (21:30):
We say understanding yet, understanding.
SPEAKER_03 (21:33):
Yeah, yeah, definitely that.
Definitely.
Um, what's a bold act of lovethat you might be holding back
in in a relationship?
Not necessarily ours, but isthere one a friendship, family
relationship that is calling forboldness and you've kind of
(21:55):
stepped back from it forwhatever reason?
SPEAKER_02 (21:57):
Yeah, you know what?
It there's always that skeletonthat we are terrified to let
out, you know, and we can godown the list.
You know, I was abused.
Um I'm dealing with addiction.
Uh I have, you know, may maybeit's some kind of illness that
(22:22):
you're, you know, carrying oryou you have or you're battling
as far as like um and I'm go uhslightly deep.
Even a sexually transmitteddisease that you know, you're
you're worried, like if I letthis out of the closet, it's
gonna change everything.
(22:42):
And that's with a with a with afemale to a male or a male to a
female, or you just want toshare this with your best friend
who you've grown up with oryou're growing up with, and
you're like, I got this thingI'm carrying, and I don't know
how to unload it, but I reallywant to.
And so if I do this, I may belooked at, and then, you know,
(23:04):
are you gonna eat with me?
Are you gonna go to, you know,to the bathroom?
Uh are you worried about what Ican do to you or how I can
affect you?
So yeah, I can see how that, youknow, and and I'm sorry for
those listening to go so deep,but I have to because these are
real situations people aredealing with.
SPEAKER_03 (23:26):
Yeah, yeah.
I wasn't expecting that kind ofdepth, but it's needed.
And I just thank you forbringing that up, because
obviously someone needs to hearthat.
Yeah, definitely.
I think for me, I'm trying, youknow, boldness for me,
(23:49):
especially in with my pastrelationships, um, including
family, boldness is forgiveness,right?
Because sometimes it's easierjust to not deal and say, well,
you know what?
I'm I'm setting this hard.
No, I I don't care to be in thisrelationship anymore.
(24:10):
It's not getting anywhere, it'snot good for me anymore, it's
hurting me.
And I think that's valid.
I think there definitely arerelationships that continue to
hurt you, and the abuse is new.
But when you're talking aboutsomething that's from years,
decades ago, for me, there'sroom for forgiveness because
(24:31):
that behavior isn't continuing,it's just something that's been
left there.
So, man, there is extremeboldness in being able to
forgive and being able to havethose hard conversations and
just ask those honest questions.
Um, man, it's just that there'sa release.
(24:52):
So the same way we say stepback, I think that means more
than one thing.
Step back doesn't really meanexit.
Step back might mean I just needthis time a little bit, or I'm
stepping back and I'm not goingin with these um thoughts
already made up.
Maybe there's something that Ineed to understand.
Right.
(25:12):
And and I don't know what it isyet, right?
So um I'm I'm grateful for thegift of forgiveness because
forgiveness has not beenone-sided.
Sometimes we forget about that,right?
Like, oh, they did me wrong orthey hurt me, and I've got to be
the bigger person and forgivethem.
I don't forget that I've beenforgiven too.
(25:34):
Yeah.
You know, like it is it has notbeen, oh, I I rose above and I
did not harm you or hurt you.
Very aware.
SPEAKER_02 (25:44):
I'm gonna pause just for a second because I know that
was that even saying that wastough for you.
And um, I I know that I know youvery well, and I know when when
what plagues you, your mind,your your thoughts.
And so um, I'm I'm gonna commendyou on that one and and just say
(26:06):
that you did a good job of that.
Um, a lot of times our traumawill prevent us from even having
casual conversation about themost simplistic parts of that
trauma.
We're not even getting to thethe the weeds of it.
You know, we're not even namingit, but it's just tough to just
(26:27):
dance around that simple part ofyeah, I I have to forgive.
I I've been forgiven, and Ididn't deserve it.
And maybe they didn't deserveit.
Maybe I shouldn't have forgaveso easily.
You know, it's all these thingsthat just keep coming up, you
know?
Yeah and and guys, um, I'm gonnasay this because I know someone
(26:52):
out there is saying tothemselves, do I have to
forgive?
No, you don't, but that burdenon you is gonna be so heavy and
it's hard to carry it, so youmight as well just let it go.
SPEAKER_03 (27:08):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (27:09):
And and begin to live and enjoy your life because
once you let it go, and I'm notsaying let it go like you don't
think about it, you don'tremember it.
I mean give the the the past aforgiveness so that you can live
boldly.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (27:26):
I really appreciate that you what you said that you
we're not saying you have toforgive.
And I want to say that becausewe care about people, do we
highly recommend it?
Yes.
Because there's a freedom inthat release, and it really
(27:47):
helps you move in life.
There you're not held back.
Um, and if that's something thatyou're struggling with, please
seek help, find a supportsystem, and because you're
you're important, and that thatshould happen.
SPEAKER_02 (28:07):
More important than that thing you're carrying.
SPEAKER_03 (28:09):
That's right.
That's right.
Okay, so we've been talkingabout talking and expressing and
forgiveness and asking thosehonest questions, saying I love
you, and just taking taking thatbold move, not really knowing
what's gonna be returned.
There's also what we call thesilent boldness.
(28:32):
And so it's the you matterenough for my full attention,
and right now I'm boldly gonnabe in stillness with you.
SPEAKER_00 (28:45):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (28:45):
Right?
Um because Corey, when I saythis sentence, tell me what you
think, I say presence heals andconnects.
SPEAKER_02 (28:58):
That that says that you being here, you being in the
present, uh allows me to beginthat process that that heals.
And you being here also bringsus closer, so that there's a
connection.
SPEAKER_03 (29:15):
Yeah.
Beautiful.
So I think that's simply stated.
SPEAKER_00 (29:19):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (29:21):
Um trust in the silence, trust in that
stillness.
It's a beautiful thing to bethere.
In fact, this weekend, I'm gonnasay 80% of our time together was
in stillness.
There was really no exchange ofwords, we're constantly in
dialogue, and sometimes justbeing in the same space is
(29:43):
enough, right?
SPEAKER_02 (29:44):
Yeah, but let me just clear the air because when
clear the air then.
When the time of silence isover.
When the time of silence isover, Jen wants to talk.
But to her credit, I want totalk.
SPEAKER_03 (30:01):
Yes, I love to talk.
Yes.
Do you remember when oh mygoodness, true story?
And I don't know if anyone'slike this.
If I sat in stillness andsilence, what would I ask you?
SPEAKER_02 (30:13):
Anything to break the silence.
SPEAKER_03 (30:15):
I just remember typically it was what's wrong.
SPEAKER_02 (30:18):
What's wrong?
Did I do something?
Are you mad?
Yes.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (30:23):
Yes, I really thought like I triggered him to
be like silence was seen for meas like punishment or silent
treatment or you're ignoring me.
SPEAKER_02 (30:34):
Yeah, and I I just do not, as I said last week, I
don't do silent treatment.
There's no rational reason toput anybody through that.
SPEAKER_03 (30:43):
Right.
Well, let's go back though towhat I said a few minutes ago.
SPEAKER_02 (30:46):
Sure.
SPEAKER_03 (30:46):
I think silence just killed me because I had to be in
my thoughts.
Oh, so before was I a constantnoise maker, um, looking for
anything to fill the quiet?
Absolutely.
Yeah.
And um, that for me was a hugesign that I had issues with
(31:10):
myself, issues with my thoughts,uh, and didn't want to deal with
them.
SPEAKER_02 (31:16):
Right.
Jen, let me ask you a question.
SPEAKER_03 (31:18):
Sure.
SPEAKER_02 (31:19):
So you mentioned the boldness and silence.
Have you ever used that boldnessnot to validate to some uh not
to validate someone or to notaffirm someone?
So you remain silent and theywere looking for that.
Well, you you do agree, right?
SPEAKER_03 (31:36):
Yeah, yep.
Oh, this is such a good questionbecause here's another bold
move.
We are taught, especially in mymy field, in the line of work I
do, what presence looks like,what it should, what it should
sound like, the things thatmaybe you should even say.
(31:58):
So interestingly, interestinglyenough, it contradicts the human
connection because now you'resaying how presence should look.
SPEAKER_02 (32:10):
Right.
SPEAKER_03 (32:10):
Uh so how have I used that?
People have shared things withme, and I just hold the space,
and what they'll teach you is,hmm, that's interesting.
Or tell me more about that,right?
Right?
Those are really good umtechniques, but I'm a firm
(32:32):
believer that get past thetechniques because then everyone
learns that, oh, this is atechnique.
Is she really present?
Or is she just like goingthrough the motions?
SPEAKER_02 (32:43):
Right, right.
SPEAKER_03 (32:44):
So I with people that I'm in relationship with, I
said, thanks for sharing thatwith me.
And if I may, can I ask somequestions so I can fully wrap my
mind around what you're tellingme?
Okay, and then we have thatconversation, and I think it's a
beautiful, bold, loving,peaceful space to be in when two
(33:07):
people can disagree.
SPEAKER_02 (33:09):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (33:10):
And it's just that.
Yes, it's I'm not taking itpersonally, it's just we don't
agree.
SPEAKER_02 (33:15):
No, no, I totally understand.
Uh, I just want to say somethingthat I hope I trigger something
in someone, and and I and I'mbeing very intentional about
what that word, what I'm aboutto say.
Yeah, um, there's a lot ofcoaches, there's a lot of people
in this field of coaching peopleand asking questions and getting
(33:38):
someone to think about whatthey're about to say or how
they're gonna say it, uh, wherethey want to go.
Guys, please understand, likeme, my wife is a coach, so I
know what it's like to becoached.
You can't use coaching in everysituation.
SPEAKER_03 (33:59):
In fact, believe it or not, it's part of the
education you receive whenbecoming a coach.
SPEAKER_01 (34:07):
Right.
SPEAKER_03 (34:07):
Um I had a have, I have a good friend when I was in
crisis, and she started askingme coaching questions, and I
just was like, what are youdoing right now?
And I think I even said, youdon't have permission to coach
me right now.
SPEAKER_02 (34:28):
We have to be in an agreement.
SPEAKER_03 (34:29):
Yeah, it's like what I really want right now is just
a friend.
SPEAKER_02 (34:33):
Right, right.
SPEAKER_03 (34:34):
Um, maybe to talk me off the ledge.
And I think that's where itbecomes dangerous when you take
one method and you apply it toyour whole life.
I know for me, that when youallow me the space to share and
you give me your thoughts,that's how people learn.
Yeah, right.
It's learning through otherpeople's experiences, other
(34:56):
people's opinions, and it's notforced, it's just here's this.
SPEAKER_02 (35:02):
And for us normies, meaning us people that are not
coaches, we got to give gracefor those that are just now
getting through the process ofbecoming a coach.
And we have to break that quitenicely.
I learned I had to learn thatthe hard way because I I did say
in the uh beginning of ourexperience, yeah, I don't want
(35:25):
to be coached right now.
SPEAKER_03 (35:27):
Uh-huh.
SPEAKER_02 (35:28):
And even though it wasn't an aggressive, I don't
want to be coached right now,what I was ultimately saying in
that moment to her was this isnot what I want, but it's never
about what we want asindividuals.
We always have to take inconsideration what both parties
(35:48):
are in need of.
So, hey, we'll let's provide acoaching opportunity later on.
But right now, let's have thiskind of conversation so that we
can answer some of the questionsthat are are pertinent to what
we're going through.
SPEAKER_03 (36:02):
Yeah.
That's a good point.
Yep.
And that reminds me that when wewant to walk away with peace,
and I don't know about you all,but man, peace is such a
beautiful thing to have in yourlife, uh, especially, especially
in the world we live in.
Um so I asked myself, if Iwalked away with peace in
(36:27):
certain relationships, whattruth about myself would I be
honoring?
So if I want to walk away withpeace, what truth about me would
I be honoring?
And sometimes it's just sittingand listening or asking the
(36:50):
curious questions.
But it what I'm sayingultimately is stay in line with
your integrity and your valuesand what you're about.
I feel like that is such a goodNorth Compass.
It's such a good guiding tool onhow to be in your relationships,
you know.
SPEAKER_02 (37:10):
I'm just gonna say it, Jen.
I love how bold thisconversation has been.
I've enjoyed every step andevery moment of it.
And thank you for putting thistogether.
It's helped me to even see alittle bit more of a broader
picture of what we're dealingwith when we're talking about
boldness in a relationship.
SPEAKER_03 (37:30):
Absolutely.
And consistency with yourcharacter.
So I'm I'm gonna end with thisreflection question.
You know how I just love these.
Is think about where in yourlife do you need to love more
boldly, to speak truth, to staypresent, or to finally let go.
(37:50):
We didn't really talk about theletting go piece.
Um, but you can think aboutwords like releasing, not
resisting, again, staying trueto your values, consistent with
who you are and what you'reabout, and balancing that and
knowing when enough's enough.
(38:13):
Right.
Um okay, Corey, share one answerbefore we go.
What's this one small bold truthyou could practice this week?
SPEAKER_02 (38:26):
Leaning in and understanding more.
How about you?
SPEAKER_03 (38:31):
That's a good one.
For me, it's more allowance forothers to be.
I that sounds very cryptic,doesn't it?
Here's what I mean is thatbecause I'm such a partner of
people, that partnership can gooverboard.
(38:54):
And maybe the partnership isjust being there and not
necessarily giving an opinion,you know?
Um what I love about this isthat being bold doesn't have to
start big.
I think we emphasize this quitea bit on on the elevator, is
(39:15):
that it starts with just itcould be one honest word, one
brave step, one moment of peace,and that's the boldness that
comes out.
I've got a lot to think aboutthis week.
SPEAKER_02 (39:35):
You and me both.
SPEAKER_03 (39:36):
Yeah, really good.
Well, next um podcast, we'regonna end the ABCs because we'll
be on C, and that'll be a littlebit of a surprise.
Um, please take a listenwherever you're at to this
podcast.
We are also now on YouTube onJen the Builder.
(39:58):
I personally um find itinteresting to see the body
movement and the facialexpressions as we're doing this
podcast, but you get to pickyour flavor.
We're just glad you're here.
And you know us to take theelevator.
We say, look up and let'selevate every day, elevate every
(40:27):
day, elevate every day, elevate,every day.
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