June 28, 2025 • 34 mins
Ever wondered why some relationships crumble despite no obvious conflicts? The answer might lie in something invisible yet powerful: unmet expectations. Dr. Dar dives deep into what she calls "the silent relationship killer" – those unspoken guidelines that shape how we interact with others and experience emotions in our relationships.
Expectations aren't merely hopes or desires; they're fundamental frameworks formed by our personal values, past experiences, and cultural influences. When left uncommunicated, these expectations create significant disconnects between partners, leading to misunderstandings, resentment, and relationship deterioration. "Uncommunicated and unrealistic expectations always lead to upset in relationships," Dr. Dar emphasizes, highlighting the importance of bringing these hidden standards into the open.
Financial expectations represent one of the most common battlegrounds in relationships. From differing views on income contribution and spending habits to approaches toward saving and debt management, money matters often trigger significant conflicts when expectations don't align. Dr. Dar offers practical guidance for addressing these differences, including establishing healthy financial habits together, clarifying responsibilities, and maintaining open communication about financial matters.
Beyond romantic relationships, expectations influence all our connections – with friends, family members, coworkers, and managers. Each relationship type carries its own set of common expectations, many of which seem obvious but remain undiscussed. The consequences of these unmet expectations extend beyond momentary disappointment, potentially causing lasting damage through resentment, emotional distance, and communication breakdowns.
The solution? Open, honest communication and explicit agreements about expectations. Dr. Dar provides helpful scripts for initiating these potentially difficult conversations, emphasizing emotional
Welcome to the Better Relationships Podcast where Dr. Dar Hawks shares relationship tips and advice to help you be seen, heard, understood, and supported in your relationships. Taking on tough topics and giving you hope, inspiration, and ideas to experiment with, Dr. Dar Hawks is passionate about creating healthier, happier, and harmonious relationships...
Because when you are happy in your relationship, the world becomes a better place for all of us.
Welcome to the Better Relationships Podcast where Dr. Dar Hawks shares relationship tips and advice to help you be seen, heard, understood, and supported in your relationships. Taking on tough topics and giving you hope, inspiration, and ideas to experiment with, Dr. Dar Hawks is passionate about creating healthier, happier, and harmonious relationships...
Because when you are happy in your relationship, the world becomes a better place for all of us.
Take my free Primary Relationship Needs Quiz to discover your dominant, secondary, and shadow Primary Relationship Needs by visiting https://needs.drdarhawks.com. This one thing will help you better understand yourself, your partner, and your relationship, and even improve communication and connection between you and your partner.
Note: The quiz name has changed from Sovereign Relationship Needs to Primary Relationship Needs as of July 2024. Please keep that in mind for podcasts dated before July 2024.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Episode 60 of the Better Relationships
Podcast.
I'm Dr Dar, your host andrelationship communication coach
and healer.
Today, we're going to dive intothe topic of unmet expectations
, the silent relationship killer.
Expectations play a fundamentalrole in shaping all of your
(00:25):
relationships, including the onewith yourself.
They're not just hopes ordesires for a specific outcome,
but rather the unspokenguidelines that influence how
you interact with others and howyou experience emotions within
yourself and within yourrelationships.
Experience emotions withinyourself and within your
(00:49):
relationships.
What I'm sharing with you todayapplies to all of your
relationships, even though I usethe word partner.
Let's start with definingexpectations.
Expectations encompass bothwhat you want from others and
what you consider necessary inyour relationships.
They serve as reference pointsfor behavior and emotional
(01:12):
reactions.
They are formed by a variety offactors, such as personal
values and beliefs, pastexperiences, cultural influences
and societal, familial orreligious norms.
However, when expectations gouncommunicated or are not
(01:34):
addressed, they can become asilent killer in your
relationships.
Expectations shape how youperceive your partner and other
relationships.
They affect your interpretationof their actions and words, and
they establish your standardsof support and connection.
(01:57):
Expectations often lie beneaththe surface, influencing your
thoughts, emotions, behaviorsand actions without you even
realizing it, until an upsethappens.
These unspoken expectations cancreate a significant disconnect
(02:19):
between partners, leading tomisunderstandings, resentment
partners leading tomisunderstandings, resentment
and, ultimately, thedeterioration of the
relationship.
It is important for you torecognize and communicate your
expectations openly and honestlywith your partner in order to
cultivate understanding, empathyand a healthier connection with
(02:43):
each other and a healthierconnection with each other.
It is equally important to askyour partner if they can help
you meet your expectations andallow space for compromise or
change.
It's also important to ask themwhat their expectations are of
you and your relationship.
(03:05):
Here's a script to help youhave this conversation, honey.
I've been reflecting on ourrelationship and I realized that
we might have some unspokenexpectations of each other.
I think it's important for usto talk about them openly so
that we can better understandeach other's needs and work
(03:27):
towards meeting them.
Can we take some time todiscuss what we expect from each
other in terms of love, support, communication and other
aspects of our relationship?
It's okay if our expectationsdiffer, but let's find common
ground and see how we cannavigate those differences
(03:47):
together.
Unmet expectations can breedresentment and disappointment.
They create a gap between whatyou desire from your connections
and what you actually receivecan create a toxic cycle of
blame and disappointment, whereone person feels constantly let
(04:09):
down while the other remainsoblivious to their partner's
needs.
This can lead to frustration,anger and a breakdown in
communication, trust, safety andintimacy In marriage and
romantic partnerships.
Common examples of unmetexpectations include differing
(04:33):
views on financial management,parenting styles, extended
family involvement, intimacyneeds and communication
preferences.
These disparities can lead toongoing tension and discord if
not addressed openly andconstructively.
As a relationship andcommunication coach, I have
(04:57):
always said and seen thatuncommunicated and unrealistic
expectations always lead toupset in relationships.
When these deeply ingrainedexpectations go unfulfilled,
they can silently undermine thefoundation of your relationships
.
Unmet expectations lead todisappointment, resentment and
(05:23):
distance, which can quietlydestroy intimacy and connection.
While expectations are naturaland inevitable in any
relationship, they should not betreated as absolutes.
They can be fluid and subjectto change over time.
To avoid this silentrelationship killer, it is
(05:44):
essential to have regularcheck-ins with your partner or
loved ones.
Ensuring that you have arelationship check-in with
honest and open communication isvital to manage expectations
and ensure everyone involvedfeels heard and understood.
Discuss your desires, hopes andexpectations openly and
(06:08):
honestly.
It may feel uncomfortable atfirst, but addressing these
issues head-on can preventlong-term damage to your
relationships.
It's important to have theconversation once you are
emotionally grounded, havethought things through, have
planned the conversation and areready to talk about it in a
(06:32):
constructive way.
I also want to remind you thatneither of you is a mind reader,
so it's important that youclearly express your needs and
listen actively to the needs ofothers, seek compromise when
necessary and be willing toadjust your own expectations if
they are unrealistic,unreasonable, unfair or don't
(06:54):
match up to what your partneraccepts.
Here's a clue for whencompromise is needed.
If you're noticing your partnerand you are playing ping pong
with a topic or with yourconversation about expectations
where they say something andthen you say something, and then
(07:14):
they say something and you saysomething, but it's not moving
forward that is an indication ofcompromise being necessary.
Here's a script to help youwith that.
I value our relationship andwant to ensure we are on the
same page.
Can we take some time todiscuss our expectations,
(07:36):
desires and hopes for the future?
I believe open communicationwill strengthen our relationship
and prevent misunderstandingsand upsets.
By fostering open lines ofcommunication and being mindful
of each other's expectations,you can create healthier, more
(07:56):
fulfilling relationships solidlybuilt on trust, understanding
and mutual respect.
Now let's talk aboutunderstanding expectations in
relationships.
As I've stated, expectationsplay a crucial role in shaping
the dynamics of yourrelationships.
Here's a closer look at howthey influence your interactions
(08:19):
.
There are different types ofexpectations.
Here's a closer look at howthey influence your interactions
Spoken versus unspoken.
Spoken expectations arecommunicated explicitly, while
unspoken ones are often assumedor implied.
Unspoken expectations usuallylead to upset, disappointment or
resentment.
(08:40):
Shaping factors personal values, individual beliefs and
principles significantly impactwhat you expect from others.
Past experiences, previousencounters, shape your
anticipations in your currentrelationships.
(09:00):
Cultural norms, societalstandards and cultural
backgrounds can influence youroutlook on expectations.
In some ways.
You may have taken them on assolid for you, but you may not
have really thought through themand actively made a choice that
(09:21):
those norms are correct for youand your relationship.
Unpacking what you've learnedfrom others versus what you
choose for yourself is a helpfulway to discern whether or not
your expectations are servingyou in a healthy way or not.
Discussing this with aprofessional relationship and
(09:42):
communication coach like myself,instead of working through it
in your own head, can bring youinsights, awareness and help you
assess whether or not theexpectation is of your own
choosing and benefit, or if it'ssomething you've learned and
took on as an expectation thattruly does not serve you, is not
(10:04):
of your own choosing and alsodoesn't benefit your
relationships.
Here are some examples ofexpectations.
Here are some examples ofunrealistic expectations in
relationships Expecting apartner to fulfill all emotional
needs without external supportor self-soothing support.
(10:27):
Believing that love alone willsolve all problems within your
relationship.
Assuming that a partner willchange their habits, behaviors
or personality traitsimmediately upon request.
Thinking that a relationshipshould be free from conflict or
disagreements.
Expecting constant validationand reassurance from a partner.
(10:50):
Understanding commonexpectations across different
relationship types helps youcreate and build mutual
understanding and empathy.
So here are some examples thatshed light on typical gendered
and marital slash relationshiprole-based expectations.
It's important to know thesegeneral examples so that you can
(11:12):
discern whether it's true foryou or not and to make the
appropriate changes and shiftsto those that work better for
you and create a healthy,harmonious and happy
relationship for you and yourpartner.
Number one marriage expectation.
In a marital setting, there isoften an expectation for
(11:33):
partners to provide emotionalsupport, share financial
responsibilities, share inhousehold duties and collaborate
on decision making.
Traditional roles could dictatethat one partner takes the lead
in certain areas like householdchores, managing the
bookkeeping, the shopping oreven child rearing.
(11:57):
Female expectation in arelationship Women may expect
emotional connection,communication and shared
responsibilities from theirpartners, as well as financial
stability and overall emotionalsafety.
This can include support inmanaging household tasks, child
care duties and active listeningin conversations.
(12:20):
Expectation about lifepartnership Individuals often
expect their life partners to beloyal, trustworthy,
understanding and supportive,not just through life's ups and
downs, but on a daily basis.
Shared values, goals and asense of partnership are also
(12:44):
crucial components of thisexpectation.
4.
Expectation from a man in arelationship, men may be
expected to demonstrate strength, provide security and offer
practical solutions tochallenges and day-to-day life.
Emotional availability, activelistening and showing
(13:05):
vulnerability are alsoincreasingly valued traits in
modern relationships, and youabsolutely can learn how to
become emotionally available,how to listen effectively and be
more open with your thoughts,feelings and whole body, mind
(13:28):
and spirit, and whole body, mindand spirit.
People may anticipate theirlife partners to be their
confidants, best friends, loversand co-pilots throughout life.
Compatibility in interests,values and long-term goals often
underpins this expectation.
Financial expectations inmarriage or a relationship,
(13:53):
financial expectations are afundamental aspect of marital
and committed relationships andcan significantly influence the
overall health and satisfactionwithin a partnership.
These expectations encompasshow money is earned, how it's
managed, spent and saved, andoften reflect both partners'
(14:17):
values, backgrounds andlong-term goals, as well as what
they learned about money earlyon in their childhood.
Let's shift a little bit totalk about the common financial
expectations in marriage,because this is one area that is
often touted as the reason forrelationship failure or divorce.
(14:41):
Number one income contribution.
Many couples have implicit orexplicit expectations regarding
who will contribute financiallyto the household.
Some may expect dual incomes,while others anticipate one
partner to be the primary earner.
How you're both going toleverage the incomes that you do
(15:12):
make and how you're going todivide that up for household
expenses.
How you're going to keep it foryour own savings.
How you're going to contributeto joint savings and plan for
goals like annual vacation orhobbies.
Number two budgeting andspending.
Partners often expect a mutualunderstanding or agreement on
(15:33):
how much to spend on dailyexpenses, leisure activities,
gifts or large purchases.
Discrepancies in spendinghabits can become sources of
conflict if not discussed openlyGoing shopping without letting
your partner know and spendingmoney and then coming home, but
(15:53):
hiding what you purchased fromthem, acting as though you
didn't, is damaging to therelationship as well.
Number three saving andinvesting.
Expectations around saving foremergencies, retirement,
children's education or majorlife events are common.
Differences in risk toleranceor saving priorities should be
(16:16):
addressed very early in therelationship and revisited when
risk tolerances are beingtriggered.
It's important to learnnegotiation and compromise and
diplomatic communicationstrategies and approaches in
order to talk about risk whenexpenditures come up, without
(16:41):
emotion and finding ways tocollaborate and create a
mutually satisfying andacceptable solution.
Number four debt management.
Entering marriage with existingdebts, such as student loans or
credit card balances, can shapefinancial expectations about
(17:02):
responsibility for repayment andattitudes towards incurring
future debt.
Expecting your partner to takecare of your own debts without
discussing it and openly showingthem instead of being secretive
about your debts, so that youboth can tackle them together
(17:24):
and put together a plan.
Whether they're contributing ornot, at least you have a plan
and shared understanding.
Number five financialindependence versus shared
finances.
Some partners prefer to poolall resources together, while
others value maintainingpersonal accounts alongside
(17:44):
joint ones.
Clear communication about thesepreferences and how it's going
to work is essential to preventmisunderstandings.
Number six lifestyle choices,expectations about the standard
of living, where to live, whatcar to drive, travel plans, etc.
(18:06):
Are closely linked withfinancial management and should
be negotiated based on realisticincome projections and shared
priorities.
Here's some guidance foraddressing financial
expectations.
Here's some guidance foraddressing financial
expectations.
Discussing long-term financialgoals, such as home ownership,
(18:29):
starting a business or earlyretirement, can help align
expectations and establish aroadmap for achieving your
aspirations.
Establishing healthy financialhabits together, like budgeting,
saving and investing, canstrengthen your financial
foundation and promote long-termfinancial stability.
(18:52):
This does require investigation, acceptance and honesty of your
own habits, how they wereformed, your emotional spending
and other behaviors that maydeter you from your financial
goals.
Clarifying who will manageday-to-day finances, pay bills,
file taxes and make investmentdecisions can avoid confusion
(19:18):
and ensure shared understandingof each other's responsibilities
.
I do advocate for participatingtogether in financial
management so that you are onthe same page in all matters
about money.
Open and ongoing communicationabout financial matters is
essential.
(19:38):
Regularly reviewing budgets,discussing major expenses and
being transparent about incomechanges, spending habits or
unexpected financial challengeswill build trust and teamwork.
Discussing and creating, aswell as following, a plan to
(19:59):
accomplish long-term financialgoals, such as home ownership,
starting a business or earlyretirement can help align your
expectations and establish aroadmap to achieve these
aspirations.
As far as contingency planninggoes, preparing for unexpected
(20:20):
events like job loss, illness ornatural disasters by having an
emergency fund and continuing tocontribute to it or insurance
coverage can provide securityand alleviate financial stress.
Security and alleviatefinancial stress.
(20:42):
Seeking guidance from afinancial planner, cpa or
financial therapist can bevaluable in navigating complex
financial decisions andresolving differences in money
management approaches.
Effective financial managementrequires compromise, flexibility
and adaptability ascircumstances change over time.
By proactively addressing thesetopics before you get married,
(21:07):
as well as during your marriage,as well as throughout your
marriage, couples can build asolid foundation for a healthy
financial partnership.
Now I want to share some morecommon expectations that apply
not only to people, but alsoenvironments, money and other
(21:31):
areas in your life.
For friendship, we expectmutual respect, honesty and
support.
We also seek companionship,trust and shared interests,
hoping for laughter,understanding and a shoulder to
lean on and sharing experiences,creating memories and enjoying
each other's company.
(21:52):
With parents, we expectunconditional love, guidance and
support.
We hope for understanding,patience and encouragement.
We also seek wisdom, care and anurturing environment.
And we desire feeling valued,accepted, pride and being
cherished by our parents.
With family members, we alsoexpect unconditional love,
(22:15):
loyalty and acceptance.
We hope for unity, harmony andshared traditions.
We seek connection, warmth anda sense of belonging.
We also want to createlong-lasting bonds, celebrate
milestones, have familygatherings and offer unwavering
support to one another and offerunwavering support to one
(22:38):
another.
With coworkers.
We expect professionalism,collaboration and respect.
We hope for clear communication, teamwork and support in
achieving common goals.
We seek a positive workenvironment, constructive
feedback and mutualunderstanding, and we desire to
build strong workingrelationships based on trust and
(23:01):
accountability and have ahealthy work environment.
From our managers, we want tohave prioritizing guidance,
leadership and recognition.
We'd like to have membership,opportunities for growth and
fair evaluation.
We seek clear expectations,constructive feedback and a
(23:22):
supportive work culture.
We also desire to contributeeffectively to the team's
success and cultivate a positiveworking relationship with our
manager and them with us.
In work environments, we expecta positive and inclusive
atmosphere that promotescreativity, collaboration and
(23:43):
personal growth.
We hope for a healthy work-lifebalance, opportunities for
professional development andfair treatment, as well as
recognition.
We seek open communicationchannels, respect for diversity
and recognition for ourcontributions.
We desire a supportive andempowering environment that
(24:04):
encourages innovation andfosters the overall well-being
of its employees Regardingpersonal commitments and
responsibilities outside of work.
We also hope for again, ahealthy work-life integration
that allows for harmoniousbalance between our professional
and personal lives.
(24:25):
While these examples may seemobvious, many of them are
assumed and usually are notdiscussed openly and honestly,
and in many cases, nor is anagreement created between each
other for the expectation to bemet.
Unmet expectations inrelationships can lead to a
range of emotional consequenceswhich, over time, erode the
(24:48):
health of your relationships andit can also end relationships.
Here are some consequences ofunmet expectations
Disappointment when expectationsare not met, individuals can
feel let down, disillusioned andresentful, leading to a sense
(25:10):
of dissatisfaction within therelationship.
Anger Unresolved orunacknowledged unmet
expectations can fuel feelingsof anger toward one's partner
for not meeting those needs ordesires.
Resentment Over time,unaddressed unmet expectations
(25:31):
can breed resentment, creating abarrier to emotional intimacy
and closeness.
Emotional distance, continualdisappointment, a sense of
unfulfillment, inadequacy andunresolved issues can result in
emotional distancing betweenpartners, eroding the connection
(25:51):
and trust in the relationship,undermining trust and intimacy.
When one partner consistentlyfails to meet the other's needs
or desires based on agreementsthey've made with each other, it
can create a sense of betrayaland erode the foundation of
trust.
This can lead to emotionaldisconnection and make it
(26:14):
difficult to build or maintainintimacy Stagnation when
individuals feel their needs arenot being met, they may become
complacent or disengaged, whichcan hinder personal growth and
the growth of the relationshipas a whole.
Communication Breakdowns Failureto openly discuss and address
(26:38):
unmet expectations can lead to abreakdown in communication.
Unmet expectations can lead toa breakdown in communication.
This can result inmisunderstandings, unresolved
conflicts and a lack of clarityabout each other's needs and
desires.
To avoid these negativeconsequences, partners need to
have open and honestcommunication about their
(27:01):
expectations and speak about itlike adults, calmly, clearly and
collaboratively.
This involves having atremendous amount of emotional
awareness and actively listeningto each other, expressing needs
and desires clearly, askingquestions to better understand
(27:23):
each other's perspectives andworking together to find
mutually satisfying solutions.
It also requires a willingnessto compromise and adaptation as
necessary, while alsorecognizing that meeting all
expectations may not always bepossible.
Creating an agreement Inaddition to open communication,
(27:48):
creating an agreement aroundexpectations can help ensure
they are being met.
This involves discussing eachother's expectations openly,
negotiating where necessary andcommitting to meeting those
expectations to the best ofone's ability.
We've got to start asking eachother for support and asking
(28:12):
each other and sharing what ourexpectation is and asking our
partners what they can help usfulfill and what we're willing
to fulfill on our own.
As far as that expectation goes, here's a script to help you
make an agreement.
Partner A I value quality timetogether.
(28:34):
I expect us to spend at leastone evening a week doing an
activity we both enjoy.
Partner B I understand theimportance of quality time for
you.
While I can't commit to everyweek, I can make sure we have a
dedicated date night every otherweek.
Partner A that sounds like areasonable start.
(28:57):
Let's make it a priority tostick to that schedule and let's
take turns on planning what wewill do together on our date
nights.
Partner B agreed, I appreciateyour understanding and
flexibility.
Can we sync up our calendarsnow and block those dates and
times and include on ourcalendars who will plan each
(29:21):
date?
That way it's on our calendarsand when the date shows up we'll
know when to start planning.
By having this conversation andreaching an agreement, both
partners become aware of eachother's expectations, they have
a clear plan to meet them, andthat reduces the chances of
(29:41):
disappointment ormisunderstandings.
This concludes part one of twoon the topic of expectations in
relationships.
In the next episode, episode 61,I will cover unrealistic
expectations and theirconsequences more about unspoken
and healthy expectations, andI'll also give you some
(30:03):
relatable and practical stepsyou can take right now to
address expectations, to addressunmet expectations in your life
and relationships.
Lastly, to better understandyour own needs and those of your
partner, family member, friendsor coworkers, I invite you to
take the Primary RelationshipNeeds Quiz at needsdrdarhawkscom
(30:30):
.
The quiz can provide valuableinsights into your primary
relationship needs and help youidentify areas for growth and
improvement in your interactionswith others and within yourself
.
You will also receive myRelationship Educational Series.
By gaining a deeperunderstanding of your own needs
(30:52):
and those of others, you cancreate a more harmonious and
fulfilling connection in allareas of your life.
So why not take the first steptowards building healthier
relationships by taking the quiztoday?
You can do so now atneedsdrdarhawkscom.
That's needsdrdarhawkscom.
(31:12):
Also, if you are dealing withunfulfilled or unmet
expectations or want supportwith getting them met, schedule
a coaching session or freeconsult with me today.
You can do that atbookingsdrdarhawkscom.
Welcome to Episode 60 of the Better Relationships
Podcast.
I'm Dr Dar, your host andrelationship communication coach
and healer.
Today, we're going to dive intothe topic of unmet expectations
, the silent relationship killer.
Expectations play a fundamentalrole in shaping all of your
(00:25):
relationships, including the onewith yourself.
They're not just hopes ordesires for a specific outcome,
but rather the unspokenguidelines that influence how
you interact with others and howyou experience emotions within
yourself and within yourrelationships.
Experience emotions withinyourself and within your
(00:49):
relationships.
What I'm sharing with you todayapplies to all of your
relationships, even though I usethe word partner.
Let's start with definingexpectations.
Expectations encompass bothwhat you want from others and
what you consider necessary inyour relationships.
They serve as reference pointsfor behavior and emotional
(01:12):
reactions.
They are formed by a variety offactors, such as personal
values and beliefs, pastexperiences, cultural influences
and societal, familial orreligious norms.
However, when expectations gouncommunicated or are not
(01:34):
addressed, they can become asilent killer in your
relationships.
Expectations shape how youperceive your partner and other
relationships.
They affect your interpretationof their actions and words, and
they establish your standardsof support and connection.
(01:57):
Expectations often lie beneaththe surface, influencing your
thoughts, emotions, behaviorsand actions without you even
realizing it, until an upsethappens.
These unspoken expectations cancreate a significant disconnect
(02:19):
between partners, leading tomisunderstandings, resentment
partners leading tomisunderstandings, resentment
and, ultimately, thedeterioration of the
relationship.
It is important for you torecognize and communicate your
expectations openly and honestlywith your partner in order to
cultivate understanding, empathyand a healthier connection with
(02:43):
each other and a healthierconnection with each other.
It is equally important to askyour partner if they can help
you meet your expectations andallow space for compromise or
change.
It's also important to ask themwhat their expectations are of
you and your relationship.
(03:05):
Here's a script to help youhave this conversation, honey.
I've been reflecting on ourrelationship and I realized that
we might have some unspokenexpectations of each other.
I think it's important for usto talk about them openly so
that we can better understandeach other's needs and work
(03:27):
towards meeting them.
Can we take some time todiscuss what we expect from each
other in terms of love, support, communication and other
aspects of our relationship?
It's okay if our expectationsdiffer, but let's find common
ground and see how we cannavigate those differences
(03:47):
together.
Unmet expectations can breedresentment and disappointment.
They create a gap between whatyou desire from your connections
and what you actually receivecan create a toxic cycle of
blame and disappointment, whereone person feels constantly let
(04:09):
down while the other remainsoblivious to their partner's
needs.
This can lead to frustration,anger and a breakdown in
communication, trust, safety andintimacy In marriage and
romantic partnerships.
Common examples of unmetexpectations include differing
(04:33):
views on financial management,parenting styles, extended
family involvement, intimacyneeds and communication
preferences.
These disparities can lead toongoing tension and discord if
not addressed openly andconstructively.
As a relationship andcommunication coach, I have
(04:57):
always said and seen thatuncommunicated and unrealistic
expectations always lead toupset in relationships.
When these deeply ingrainedexpectations go unfulfilled,
they can silently undermine thefoundation of your relationships
.
Unmet expectations lead todisappointment, resentment and
(05:23):
distance, which can quietlydestroy intimacy and connection.
While expectations are naturaland inevitable in any
relationship, they should not betreated as absolutes.
They can be fluid and subjectto change over time.
To avoid this silentrelationship killer, it is
(05:44):
essential to have regularcheck-ins with your partner or
loved ones.
Ensuring that you have arelationship check-in with
honest and open communication isvital to manage expectations
and ensure everyone involvedfeels heard and understood.
Discuss your desires, hopes andexpectations openly and
(06:08):
honestly.
It may feel uncomfortable atfirst, but addressing these
issues head-on can preventlong-term damage to your
relationships.
It's important to have theconversation once you are
emotionally grounded, havethought things through, have
planned the conversation and areready to talk about it in a
(06:32):
constructive way.
I also want to remind you thatneither of you is a mind reader,
so it's important that youclearly express your needs and
listen actively to the needs ofothers, seek compromise when
necessary and be willing toadjust your own expectations if
they are unrealistic,unreasonable, unfair or don't
(06:54):
match up to what your partneraccepts.
Here's a clue for whencompromise is needed.
If you're noticing your partnerand you are playing ping pong
with a topic or with yourconversation about expectations
where they say something andthen you say something, and then
(07:14):
they say something and you saysomething, but it's not moving
forward that is an indication ofcompromise being necessary.
Here's a script to help youwith that.
I value our relationship andwant to ensure we are on the
same page.
Can we take some time todiscuss our expectations,
(07:36):
desires and hopes for the future?
I believe open communicationwill strengthen our relationship
and prevent misunderstandingsand upsets.
By fostering open lines ofcommunication and being mindful
of each other's expectations,you can create healthier, more
(07:56):
fulfilling relationships solidlybuilt on trust, understanding
and mutual respect.
Now let's talk aboutunderstanding expectations in
relationships.
As I've stated, expectationsplay a crucial role in shaping
the dynamics of yourrelationships.
Here's a closer look at howthey influence your interactions
(08:19):
.
There are different types ofexpectations.
Here's a closer look at howthey influence your interactions
Spoken versus unspoken.
Spoken expectations arecommunicated explicitly, while
unspoken ones are often assumedor implied.
Unspoken expectations usuallylead to upset, disappointment or
resentment.
(08:40):
Shaping factors personal values, individual beliefs and
principles significantly impactwhat you expect from others.
Past experiences, previousencounters, shape your
anticipations in your currentrelationships.
(09:00):
Cultural norms, societalstandards and cultural
backgrounds can influence youroutlook on expectations.
In some ways.
You may have taken them on assolid for you, but you may not
have really thought through themand actively made a choice that
(09:21):
those norms are correct for youand your relationship.
Unpacking what you've learnedfrom others versus what you
choose for yourself is a helpfulway to discern whether or not
your expectations are servingyou in a healthy way or not.
Discussing this with aprofessional relationship and
(09:42):
communication coach like myself,instead of working through it
in your own head, can bring youinsights, awareness and help you
assess whether or not theexpectation is of your own
choosing and benefit, or if it'ssomething you've learned and
took on as an expectation thattruly does not serve you, is not
(10:04):
of your own choosing and alsodoesn't benefit your
relationships.
Here are some examples ofexpectations.
Here are some examples ofunrealistic expectations in
relationships Expecting apartner to fulfill all emotional
needs without external supportor self-soothing support.
(10:27):
Believing that love alone willsolve all problems within your
relationship.
Assuming that a partner willchange their habits, behaviors
or personality traitsimmediately upon request.
Thinking that a relationshipshould be free from conflict or
disagreements.
Expecting constant validationand reassurance from a partner.
(10:50):
Understanding commonexpectations across different
relationship types helps youcreate and build mutual
understanding and empathy.
So here are some examples thatshed light on typical gendered
and marital slash relationshiprole-based expectations.
It's important to know thesegeneral examples so that you can
(11:12):
discern whether it's true foryou or not and to make the
appropriate changes and shiftsto those that work better for
you and create a healthy,harmonious and happy
relationship for you and yourpartner.
Number one marriage expectation.
In a marital setting, there isoften an expectation for
(11:33):
partners to provide emotionalsupport, share financial
responsibilities, share inhousehold duties and collaborate
on decision making.
Traditional roles could dictatethat one partner takes the lead
in certain areas like householdchores, managing the
bookkeeping, the shopping oreven child rearing.
(11:57):
Female expectation in arelationship Women may expect
emotional connection,communication and shared
responsibilities from theirpartners, as well as financial
stability and overall emotionalsafety.
This can include support inmanaging household tasks, child
care duties and active listeningin conversations.
(12:20):
Expectation about lifepartnership Individuals often
expect their life partners to beloyal, trustworthy,
understanding and supportive,not just through life's ups and
downs, but on a daily basis.
Shared values, goals and asense of partnership are also
(12:44):
crucial components of thisexpectation.
4.
Expectation from a man in arelationship, men may be
expected to demonstrate strength, provide security and offer
practical solutions tochallenges and day-to-day life.
Emotional availability, activelistening and showing
(13:05):
vulnerability are alsoincreasingly valued traits in
modern relationships, and youabsolutely can learn how to
become emotionally available,how to listen effectively and be
more open with your thoughts,feelings and whole body, mind
(13:28):
and spirit, and whole body, mindand spirit.
People may anticipate theirlife partners to be their
confidants, best friends, loversand co-pilots throughout life.
Compatibility in interests,values and long-term goals often
underpins this expectation.
Financial expectations inmarriage or a relationship,
(13:53):
financial expectations are afundamental aspect of marital
and committed relationships andcan significantly influence the
overall health and satisfactionwithin a partnership.
These expectations encompasshow money is earned, how it's
managed, spent and saved, andoften reflect both partners'
(14:17):
values, backgrounds andlong-term goals, as well as what
they learned about money earlyon in their childhood.
Let's shift a little bit totalk about the common financial
expectations in marriage,because this is one area that is
often touted as the reason forrelationship failure or divorce.
(14:41):
Number one income contribution.
Many couples have implicit orexplicit expectations regarding
who will contribute financiallyto the household.
Some may expect dual incomes,while others anticipate one
partner to be the primary earner.
How you're both going toleverage the incomes that you do
(15:12):
make and how you're going todivide that up for household
expenses.
How you're going to keep it foryour own savings.
How you're going to contributeto joint savings and plan for
goals like annual vacation orhobbies.
Number two budgeting andspending.
Partners often expect a mutualunderstanding or agreement on
(15:33):
how much to spend on dailyexpenses, leisure activities,
gifts or large purchases.
Discrepancies in spendinghabits can become sources of
conflict if not discussed openlyGoing shopping without letting
your partner know and spendingmoney and then coming home, but
(15:53):
hiding what you purchased fromthem, acting as though you
didn't, is damaging to therelationship as well.
Number three saving andinvesting.
Expectations around saving foremergencies, retirement,
children's education or majorlife events are common.
Differences in risk toleranceor saving priorities should be
(16:16):
addressed very early in therelationship and revisited when
risk tolerances are beingtriggered.
It's important to learnnegotiation and compromise and
diplomatic communicationstrategies and approaches in
order to talk about risk whenexpenditures come up, without
(16:41):
emotion and finding ways tocollaborate and create a
mutually satisfying andacceptable solution.
Number four debt management.
Entering marriage with existingdebts, such as student loans or
credit card balances, can shapefinancial expectations about
(17:02):
responsibility for repayment andattitudes towards incurring
future debt.
Expecting your partner to takecare of your own debts without
discussing it and openly showingthem instead of being secretive
about your debts, so that youboth can tackle them together
(17:24):
and put together a plan.
Whether they're contributing ornot, at least you have a plan
and shared understanding.
Number five financialindependence versus shared
finances.
Some partners prefer to poolall resources together, while
others value maintainingpersonal accounts alongside
(17:44):
joint ones.
Clear communication about thesepreferences and how it's going
to work is essential to preventmisunderstandings.
Number six lifestyle choices,expectations about the standard
of living, where to live, whatcar to drive, travel plans, etc.
(18:06):
Are closely linked withfinancial management and should
be negotiated based on realisticincome projections and shared
priorities.
Here's some guidance foraddressing financial
expectations.
Here's some guidance foraddressing financial
expectations.
Discussing long-term financialgoals, such as home ownership,
(18:29):
starting a business or earlyretirement, can help align
expectations and establish aroadmap for achieving your
aspirations.
Establishing healthy financialhabits together, like budgeting,
saving and investing, canstrengthen your financial
foundation and promote long-termfinancial stability.
(18:52):
This does require investigation, acceptance and honesty of your
own habits, how they wereformed, your emotional spending
and other behaviors that maydeter you from your financial
goals.
Clarifying who will manageday-to-day finances, pay bills,
file taxes and make investmentdecisions can avoid confusion
(19:18):
and ensure shared understandingof each other's responsibilities
.
I do advocate for participatingtogether in financial
management so that you are onthe same page in all matters
about money.
Open and ongoing communicationabout financial matters is
essential.
(19:38):
Regularly reviewing budgets,discussing major expenses and
being transparent about incomechanges, spending habits or
unexpected financial challengeswill build trust and teamwork.
Discussing and creating, aswell as following, a plan to
(19:59):
accomplish long-term financialgoals, such as home ownership,
starting a business or earlyretirement can help align your
expectations and establish aroadmap to achieve these
aspirations.
As far as contingency planninggoes, preparing for unexpected
(20:20):
events like job loss, illness ornatural disasters by having an
emergency fund and continuing tocontribute to it or insurance
coverage can provide securityand alleviate financial stress.
Security and alleviatefinancial stress.
(20:42):
Seeking guidance from afinancial planner, cpa or
financial therapist can bevaluable in navigating complex
financial decisions andresolving differences in money
management approaches.
Effective financial managementrequires compromise, flexibility
and adaptability ascircumstances change over time.
By proactively addressing thesetopics before you get married,
(21:07):
as well as during your marriage,as well as throughout your
marriage, couples can build asolid foundation for a healthy
financial partnership.
Now I want to share some morecommon expectations that apply
not only to people, but alsoenvironments, money and other
(21:31):
areas in your life.
For friendship, we expectmutual respect, honesty and
support.
We also seek companionship,trust and shared interests,
hoping for laughter,understanding and a shoulder to
lean on and sharing experiences,creating memories and enjoying
each other's company.
(21:52):
With parents, we expectunconditional love, guidance and
support.
We hope for understanding,patience and encouragement.
We also seek wisdom, care and anurturing environment.
And we desire feeling valued,accepted, pride and being
cherished by our parents.
With family members, we alsoexpect unconditional love,
(22:15):
loyalty and acceptance.
We hope for unity, harmony andshared traditions.
We seek connection, warmth anda sense of belonging.
We also want to createlong-lasting bonds, celebrate
milestones, have familygatherings and offer unwavering
support to one another and offerunwavering support to one
(22:38):
another.
With coworkers.
We expect professionalism,collaboration and respect.
We hope for clear communication, teamwork and support in
achieving common goals.
We seek a positive workenvironment, constructive
feedback and mutualunderstanding, and we desire to
build strong workingrelationships based on trust and
(23:01):
accountability and have ahealthy work environment.
From our managers, we want tohave prioritizing guidance,
leadership and recognition.
We'd like to have membership,opportunities for growth and
fair evaluation.
We seek clear expectations,constructive feedback and a
(23:22):
supportive work culture.
We also desire to contributeeffectively to the team's
success and cultivate a positiveworking relationship with our
manager and them with us.
In work environments, we expecta positive and inclusive
atmosphere that promotescreativity, collaboration and
(23:43):
personal growth.
We hope for a healthy work-lifebalance, opportunities for
professional development andfair treatment, as well as
recognition.
We seek open communicationchannels, respect for diversity
and recognition for ourcontributions.
We desire a supportive andempowering environment that
(24:04):
encourages innovation andfosters the overall well-being
of its employees Regardingpersonal commitments and
responsibilities outside of work.
We also hope for again, ahealthy work-life integration
that allows for harmoniousbalance between our professional
and personal lives.
(24:25):
While these examples may seemobvious, many of them are
assumed and usually are notdiscussed openly and honestly,
and in many cases, nor is anagreement created between each
other for the expectation to bemet.
Unmet expectations inrelationships can lead to a
range of emotional consequenceswhich, over time, erode the
(24:48):
health of your relationships andit can also end relationships.
Here are some consequences ofunmet expectations
Disappointment when expectationsare not met, individuals can
feel let down, disillusioned andresentful, leading to a sense
(25:10):
of dissatisfaction within therelationship.
Anger Unresolved orunacknowledged unmet
expectations can fuel feelingsof anger toward one's partner
for not meeting those needs ordesires.
Resentment Over time,unaddressed unmet expectations
(25:31):
can breed resentment, creating abarrier to emotional intimacy
and closeness.
Emotional distance, continualdisappointment, a sense of
unfulfillment, inadequacy andunresolved issues can result in
emotional distancing betweenpartners, eroding the connection
(25:51):
and trust in the relationship,undermining trust and intimacy.
When one partner consistentlyfails to meet the other's needs
or desires based on agreementsthey've made with each other, it
can create a sense of betrayaland erode the foundation of
trust.
This can lead to emotionaldisconnection and make it
(26:14):
difficult to build or maintainintimacy Stagnation when
individuals feel their needs arenot being met, they may become
complacent or disengaged, whichcan hinder personal growth and
the growth of the relationshipas a whole.
Communication Breakdowns Failureto openly discuss and address
(26:38):
unmet expectations can lead to abreakdown in communication.
Unmet expectations can lead toa breakdown in communication.
This can result inmisunderstandings, unresolved
conflicts and a lack of clarityabout each other's needs and
desires.
To avoid these negativeconsequences, partners need to
have open and honestcommunication about their
(27:01):
expectations and speak about itlike adults, calmly, clearly and
collaboratively.
This involves having atremendous amount of emotional
awareness and actively listeningto each other, expressing needs
and desires clearly, askingquestions to better understand
(27:23):
each other's perspectives andworking together to find
mutually satisfying solutions.
It also requires a willingnessto compromise and adaptation as
necessary, while alsorecognizing that meeting all
expectations may not always bepossible.
Creating an agreement Inaddition to open communication,
(27:48):
creating an agreement aroundexpectations can help ensure
they are being met.
This involves discussing eachother's expectations openly,
negotiating where necessary andcommitting to meeting those
expectations to the best ofone's ability.
We've got to start asking eachother for support and asking
(28:12):
each other and sharing what ourexpectation is and asking our
partners what they can help usfulfill and what we're willing
to fulfill on our own.
As far as that expectation goes, here's a script to help you
make an agreement.
Partner A I value quality timetogether.
(28:34):
I expect us to spend at leastone evening a week doing an
activity we both enjoy.
Partner B I understand theimportance of quality time for
you.
While I can't commit to everyweek, I can make sure we have a
dedicated date night every otherweek.
Partner A that sounds like areasonable start.
(28:57):
Let's make it a priority tostick to that schedule and let's
take turns on planning what wewill do together on our date
nights.
Partner B agreed, I appreciateyour understanding and
flexibility.
Can we sync up our calendarsnow and block those dates and
times and include on ourcalendars who will plan each
(29:21):
date?
That way it's on our calendarsand when the date shows up we'll
know when to start planning.
By having this conversation andreaching an agreement, both
partners become aware of eachother's expectations, they have
a clear plan to meet them, andthat reduces the chances of
(29:41):
disappointment ormisunderstandings.
This concludes part one of twoon the topic of expectations in
relationships.
In the next episode, episode 61,I will cover unrealistic
expectations and theirconsequences more about unspoken
and healthy expectations, andI'll also give you some
(30:03):
relatable and practical stepsyou can take right now to
address expectations, to addressunmet expectations in your life
and relationships.
Lastly, to better understandyour own needs and those of your
partner, family member, friendsor coworkers, I invite you to
take the Primary RelationshipNeeds Quiz at needsdrdarhawkscom
(30:30):
.
The quiz can provide valuableinsights into your primary
relationship needs and help youidentify areas for growth and
improvement in your interactionswith others and within yourself
.
You will also receive myRelationship Educational Series.
By gaining a deeperunderstanding of your own needs
(30:52):
and those of others, you cancreate a more harmonious and
fulfilling connection in allareas of your life.
So why not take the first steptowards building healthier
relationships by taking the quiztoday?
You can do so now atneedsdrdarhawkscom.
That's needsdrdarhawkscom.
(31:12):
Also, if you are dealing withunfulfilled or unmet
expectations or want supportwith getting them met, schedule
a coaching session or freeconsult with me today.
You can do that atbookingsdrdarhawkscom.
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