August 21, 2023 • 20 mins
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Unknown (00:00):
Hey. Just a little message before we get started. I offer one on one coaching to women for breakup recovery and dating. So if you're interested, just send me an email at tracy@tphtherapy.com.
That's tracie@tphtherapy.com.
And let me know if you're interested, and I can give you information. We can hop on a very brief call
(00:24):
to see what your needs are either around dating and or breakup recovery,
and I'm really excited to help you on your journey.
Hey. I'm Tracy Pinnock, and welcome to the Bitter to Better podcast,
where I talk all things love and life that help women live better after breakups.
(00:46):
I'm glad you're here, and let's get into it.
Today, I'm talking about setting boundaries with your ex. And, boy, is this a needed topic because
it can be so hard
to let go of contact and communication with somebody,
(01:11):
whether you ended the relationship or they ended the relationship.
And, also,
this needs to be talked about because a lot of people experience unnecessary
harassment and badgering from their exes.
And
if you,
don't have legal ties
or shared parenting
(01:32):
responsibilities
with someone,
there's ultimately
no
reason to need to remain in contact with them. Now, of course, you might feel like you want to. There are a lot of emotional
ties that would be there that might keep you wanting wanting to engage with wanting to engage with them. But
(01:52):
you don't actually need to unless there's legal reasons,
and parenting would
be a legal reason.
And so I talk about this all the time of how you really want to start to create those physical,
verbal,
emotional
boundaries,
and I wanna talk about how to go about doing that.
Also, in the context of
(02:14):
having children with someone and,
no longer being with them, there are, of course, some things that make it make this boundary setting a bit more complicated because there are reasons why you will need to speak to and or see this person.
And so I'll also get into that a bit as well.
Now, of course, this
(02:34):
isn't necessarily easy, but it is
necessary
for your progress
in healing.
Meaning,
being able to establish
proper boundaries, healthy boundaries with your ex is a key factor
in your recovery from your breakup.
It is one of the most important
(02:55):
factors
in your ability
to heal and in the timing
of your healing.
Meaning, the longer you,
keep ties in unnecessary ways with your ex,
the longer
it extends your healing process,
the longer it takes for you to adjust to a new normal in your life. So I talk with people about this all the time, that one of the first
(03:22):
things that I suggest they do
when going through a breakup
is
to end any unnecessary
contact,
any unnecessary
contact.
Now to be clear,
I completely understand,
converse like, a conversation or two for closure, meaning, like, you know, you tell somebody somebody that you're breaking up with them, and they're like, okay. Wait. Can we talk more about this? Sure. Give them another follow-up conversation after they've been able to gather their thoughts.
(03:54):
But do it
with caution and do it under
the conditions that are going to be best for you maintaining whatever boundaries you need to maintain. Meaning, if it's someone who you should or do have concerns about,
physically in terms in terms of aggression or anything like that or being threatening, you obviously want to,
(04:14):
maybe have the conversation,
you know, over the phone or have other people there or make sure you're in a public place, things like that. So that's on, like, the more extreme side of physical safety. But even someone who you are verbally concerned about, maybe the way they may talk to you or things like that, you you know, maybe it's,
better to send an email or something like that.
(04:37):
Every situation is different. There's not one specific right way to do this, but there are
ways that are best suited to your situation. But what I'm getting at here is
what doesn't serve you or the other person,
whether you ended the relationship or they ended it, is to have these ongoing
conversations after the breakup repeatedly over time, reaching out over weeks, months, all of that. That just extends the process.
(05:03):
So, really,
my general go to, which I guess I'll get right into now, is to, you know,
so if you have no legal ties,
no children together,
then you
say your piece, and then you stop talking, which means
not calling them, not texting them, not accepting their calls, not responding to their text,
(05:28):
not looking at their social media.
And here's the thing, if that's something you can do and leave everything as is and you don't want to unfriend or block or mute or whatever, then do that. But if you find yourself struggling in any of these ways, then mute them or unfollow them, which doesn't involve you having to unfriend them unfriend them if you're concerned about them seeing that or feeling away. But maybe unfriend them if that's gonna be to your benefit.
(05:52):
And even go as far as blocking them if they are
harassing you, reaching out to you, if they won't respect that boundary, or if you find yourself constantly going to try to peep in on them or talk to them.
Any of those methods
are strongly recommended up to whatever extent you need them to be
because
(06:12):
you want to
limit
your access to triggers, to seeing them post something or getting a DM from them or any of that sort of stuff. Also, keep in mind that this rule may also apply to their social circle, their family,
their friends, things like that. If you know that other people in their circle
(06:32):
are going to post things that are going going to be triggering to you, then maybe unfollow unfollow those people for a bit of time.
Maybe there comes a time where you could follow them back and be okay or, you know, or mute them, and there's a time where you can unmute them and be okay. Keep in mind that your your grief process, because that's what a breakup is. It's a grief and loss situation. There's been a loss of something or someone, and you're grieving. That grief process,
(06:58):
just like when somebody dies or just like when you lose a house, anything where you have a significant loss,
that grief process plays out over time, and it looks different at different points in your journey. So what you need now may be different than what you need six months from now. So
it may be muting people for right now, and there comes a time later where you're able to unmute them and feel okay. But what I'm saying here is the social media thing is just one of the first immediate things that needs to to go. It needs to not be a part of your
(07:30):
life anymore to
see what they're posting or to allow them access
to DM you or any of that sort of stuff.
If both people in the situation are keeping their distance when it comes to that and you guys wanna still follow each other and all of that and you feel emotional emotionally okay to do it, then great. But generally speaking, especially early on, it's usually not a bad idea to at least mute the person.
(07:54):
And with the contact situation, it's not just about your ability to contact them or their ability to contact you. You're also wanting to limit their access to you and your access to them. So back to the whole thing of even
if you are not,
you know, actually
DMing them or something like that, You do want to limit your ability to see what's going on in their life for a period of time as you are healing or trying to get used to a new normal without them or trying to kind of cleanse your space emotionally, mentally, physically, things like that.
(08:33):
Do you like what you're hearing? Are you picking up what I'm putting down?
Want to help the pod?
If so, please know it's greatly appreciated, and I welcome you to support the Bitter to Better podcast however you can.
Might I suggest a few options?
First, please rate and review the show on Spotify, Apple Podcast, or whatever platform you choose.
(08:55):
Next, how about sending this podcast to one friend who you know could use it? This way, she can't say you've never given her anything.
If you're really riding with me, talk about the show on social media and tag me. I'm at tracy panach on Instagram.
And lastly,
if you ever use any products or services I mentioned in the pod, can you tell them Tracy Pinnock from the Bitter to Better podcast sent you?
(09:19):
Please, and thank you.
Another thing worth noting
is,
what to do when your ex is making the rounds in your social circle. What I mean here is them calling, reaching out to your best friend, your mom,
(09:40):
your best friend's boyfriend, whoever,
trying
to get these people to talk to you about
your breakup or your ex.
In these situations,
you may also need to give your people
instructions.
Meet whether it's don't answer my ex's calls or attempts at contact,
(10:00):
block my ex on whatever form of communication
they may try to reach you on.
Here's the line that you give them. Here's what you say to them if you do talk to them. It's kind of like having a PR team and having a script that you have people say because, ultimately,
this needs to be handled between you and your ex. And once you've had some finalizing
(10:22):
or some some final conversations,
then the cutoff needs to happen. And so this can be a very common thing,
of them, you know, calling up your people and,
you know, being like, oh, tell so and so, this, that, and the third or things like that. Or sometimes them not even directly telling people to tell you, but they know that those people will tell you, so they talk to them. And it's just
(10:45):
not cool, quite frankly. So, of course, something that I guess I should have started with here, but
is
fairly obvious,
you should have a boundary setting conversation with your ex. Meaning, you can say to them like, hey. Don't contact my people, and here's what I'm expecting around communication between us.
(11:05):
You know, those sort of things, you know, yes, have an upfront conversation with somebody about those things to give them the opportunity to respect those boundaries without you having to do much. But, obviously, if they don't respect those boundaries, these are things that you may have to do.
Something else worth noting
is our hesitation
to cut off contact with an ex due to our concerns for their emotional and maybe even physical well-being.
(11:30):
And that is a completely understandable thing to be concerned about if you know that your ex is someone who's really struggling with the breakup emotionally or struggles in general emotionally or with mental health or substance abuse or suicidality or any things like that, self harm. And
it can be a very hard line to walk
(11:53):
around creating healthy boundaries between you and that person and
not wanting to,
do any harm or wanting to support them.
And the reality is that upon you no longer being in a relationship with them, long term,
the reality is that you
no longer become a part of that support system for them
(12:15):
unless you are
intending to remain friends or be friends, and I mean actual friends. That's a whole other speech I can give around the f word friends that we throw out so easily. But, honestly,
most x relationships
where people are saying we're friends doesn't actually
mirror a true friendship, but that's a conversation for another time. But what I'm getting at here is,
(12:39):
absolutely, there are people who
no longer have a romantic relationship but end up having solid friendships or supporting one another, especially if you're, like, co parents or something like that. But even with that,
what I'm saying here is that especially during the early times of a breakup,
you may need to,
or that person may need to have other support or should, not may need to, but should have other supports
(13:05):
to
help manage that in a particularly
emotional
and high,
you know, potentially high tension time of an early breakup.
Literally things like going to therapy if they do have a mental health condition or substance abuse,
having reaching out to any of their friends or family who can help. And I recognize not everyone has amazing support systems in their in their families,
(13:31):
or don't have strong friendships. So, obviously, these are case by case things that you need to assess. But what I'm getting at is
you
it's not realistic. It's not healthy,
and long term is not sustainable for you
to continue to be that person's
sole form
(13:52):
of support
or even a significant form of support
for them through those things upon your breakup. And, again, maybe at a later time where things are more settled, you find yourself
being in their life in that way, that remains to be seen. But
the whole idea of you not setting healthy boundaries with them because of your concern for them, that's something that you want to do your best
(14:17):
to work your way out of. And what I mean is providing them resources of where to get help, literally talking to certain people in their lives and letting them know, hey. This is what's going on with so and so. This is what's going on with my ex. You know, check-in on them. Be there with them. Because, also,
on the flip side, in some situations,
that person, your ex,
not seeking help that they could be seeking for whatever they're dealing with can be a way of controlling you and holding you hostage to them
(14:45):
emotionally,
maybe financially, any anyways, quite frankly. So you really just want to be mindful of that because if you are ending the relationship,
it
it it should be expected that you are not going to play a support for them in the way that you would have or the way that you did when you were in the relationship.
(15:06):
So in conclusion,
the key is that
boundary setting
is a huge factor in your own recovery from a breakup. If you are struggling with a breakup in any way, whether you ended it or someone else ended it, then it is going to be key to you to it it's going to be key for you to have healthy boundaries with your ex.
(15:29):
So think of boundary setting as a protective measure,
and it's an obligation to ourselves. Meaning, it's ideal when other people in our life naturally respect boundaries,
but
not everyone does that, especially with emotionally charged situations such as break up. So when someone is not respecting a boundary,
(15:50):
then it is our obligation to ourselves to actually
set that boundary and enforce it. And then enforcing it means
going beyond
just telling somebody
that you don't want them to call you or, you know, stop, you know, testing my mom or
don't just show up at my house. But it's also
(16:11):
reminding them and showing them as well. Like, okay. Well,
if me asking you
not to keep calling me
is not something you're willing to respect, then I might have to take the the
act of blocking you. Or I might have to tell, you know, my mom to just not respond to you at all. Or maybe it goes as far as legal action in situations where you feel it's warranted.
(16:34):
But the idea
is don't let somebody else's boundary crossing hold you hostage.
You know, when someone is
not doing
their part for themselves, so such as if they have struggles that make you concerned about their emotional well-being and so you're very hesitant to kind of, you know, again, set those boundaries,
(16:58):
then understand though that there's a certain amount of them
needing to take responsibility
for what they're going through
and actively
seek out and reach out for the help that's needed. It's like
someone having a broken leg
and
choosing not to go get medical attention for it
(17:19):
when they have access to that medical attention. And instead saying, like, oh, well, it's my broken leg. This is why I can't, you know, get up and do anything. It's understandable
that you can't get up and do anything with a broken leg,
but it's not understandable that you don't go to get it checked out or cared for or get the support you need.
So,
ultimately
(17:40):
and I guess a little bit also about boundaries that I obviously should have started with. But when people hear the word boundaries, it's like they automatically think of putting up a wall or cutting people off, and that's not the case. Boundaries exist in every single relationship in your life. Friendships,
your your coworkers, your boss, everyone. They exist right now as we are as I am speaking.
(18:01):
The it's just that
most boundaries you are not
super aware of because if boundaries aren't being crossed,
there tends to not be any need to talk about them or you don't notice them. But what I mean here is boundaries are ultimately,
you know, the rules of engagement between you and another person.
And so what boundaries really are about is there's healthy boundaries and there's unhealthy boundaries, but there's always
(18:26):
boundaries.
So when we say to,
set boundaries, it's really saying to
set healthy boundaries. There are boundaries that can be too rigid where it's like a cutoff that that might be like, I'm just gonna completely ignore someone
who, you know, isn't deserving of it.
And then there can be disused boundaries, which are boundaries where they're too lax, they're too loose, and you're just letting everything in and everyone in. And, you know, someone who calls at 3AM, you pick up the phone every single time. You know, like, these are, you know, examples of one end of the spectrum to the other when it comes to boundaries. So just understand that there's always a boundary between you and every person. There's boundaries between you and strangers, which tend to be more rigid because you don't know the person, so there's less, you know we allow less between us and strangers. You're not sharing, you know, necessarily intimate details. You're not being, you know, physically touching a stranger, things like that. So
(19:20):
I just want to, like, clarify that when it comes to boundary setting because people automatically think rejecting and closing off and all that sort of stuff. No. Boundaries are simply
protective measures for you for you and the relationship actually that you have with another person as well.
And so
we can tend to become resentful when boundaries are crossed and we don't enforce them, such as with an ex that is harassing or won't leave you alone when you're when you need, you know, that space. And you're like, just give me the space. Give me time or things like that. So I just wanna put that side note in. Nonetheless,
(19:56):
it is
very important
to
set healthy boundaries
with your ex.
Hey. By the way, I can be found in other places besides this podcast.
Just search my name on YouTube, and you'll find my channel. Subscribe for periodic how to videos for dealing with breakups and mastering dating. That's right. I said mastering dating. It's a skill, ladies.
(20:25):
I can also be found on Instagram at tracy panak.
And lastly, I most encourage you to join my email list where you get breakup and dating support delivered to your inbox in addition to getting the most exclusive access to my programs and coaching services.
My email list subscribers are the first to know when my coaching programs launch and the only people to get discounts when they're offered.
(20:48):
As always, I'm glad we got into it and looking forward to next time.
Hey. Just a little message before we get started. I offer one on one coaching to women for breakup recovery and dating. So if you're interested, just send me an email at tracy@tphtherapy.com.
That's tracie@tphtherapy.com.
And let me know if you're interested, and I can give you information. We can hop on a very brief call
(00:24):
to see what your needs are either around dating and or breakup recovery,
and I'm really excited to help you on your journey.
Hey. I'm Tracy Pinnock, and welcome to the Bitter to Better podcast,
where I talk all things love and life that help women live better after breakups.
(00:46):
I'm glad you're here, and let's get into it.
Today, I'm talking about setting boundaries with your ex. And, boy, is this a needed topic because
it can be so hard
to let go of contact and communication with somebody,
(01:11):
whether you ended the relationship or they ended the relationship.
And, also,
this needs to be talked about because a lot of people experience unnecessary
harassment and badgering from their exes.
And
if you,
don't have legal ties
or shared parenting
(01:32):
responsibilities
with someone,
there's ultimately
no
reason to need to remain in contact with them. Now, of course, you might feel like you want to. There are a lot of emotional
ties that would be there that might keep you wanting wanting to engage with wanting to engage with them. But
(01:52):
you don't actually need to unless there's legal reasons,
and parenting would
be a legal reason.
And so I talk about this all the time of how you really want to start to create those physical,
verbal,
emotional
boundaries,
and I wanna talk about how to go about doing that.
Also, in the context of
(02:14):
having children with someone and,
no longer being with them, there are, of course, some things that make it make this boundary setting a bit more complicated because there are reasons why you will need to speak to and or see this person.
And so I'll also get into that a bit as well.
Now, of course, this
(02:34):
isn't necessarily easy, but it is
necessary
for your progress
in healing.
Meaning,
being able to establish
proper boundaries, healthy boundaries with your ex is a key factor
in your recovery from your breakup.
It is one of the most important
(02:55):
factors
in your ability
to heal and in the timing
of your healing.
Meaning, the longer you,
keep ties in unnecessary ways with your ex,
the longer
it extends your healing process,
the longer it takes for you to adjust to a new normal in your life. So I talk with people about this all the time, that one of the first
(03:22):
things that I suggest they do
when going through a breakup
is
to end any unnecessary
contact,
any unnecessary
contact.
Now to be clear,
I completely understand,
converse like, a conversation or two for closure, meaning, like, you know, you tell somebody somebody that you're breaking up with them, and they're like, okay. Wait. Can we talk more about this? Sure. Give them another follow-up conversation after they've been able to gather their thoughts.
(03:54):
But do it
with caution and do it under
the conditions that are going to be best for you maintaining whatever boundaries you need to maintain. Meaning, if it's someone who you should or do have concerns about,
physically in terms in terms of aggression or anything like that or being threatening, you obviously want to,
(04:14):
maybe have the conversation,
you know, over the phone or have other people there or make sure you're in a public place, things like that. So that's on, like, the more extreme side of physical safety. But even someone who you are verbally concerned about, maybe the way they may talk to you or things like that, you you know, maybe it's,
better to send an email or something like that.
(04:37):
Every situation is different. There's not one specific right way to do this, but there are
ways that are best suited to your situation. But what I'm getting at here is
what doesn't serve you or the other person,
whether you ended the relationship or they ended it, is to have these ongoing
conversations after the breakup repeatedly over time, reaching out over weeks, months, all of that. That just extends the process.
(05:03):
So, really,
my general go to, which I guess I'll get right into now, is to, you know,
so if you have no legal ties,
no children together,
then you
say your piece, and then you stop talking, which means
not calling them, not texting them, not accepting their calls, not responding to their text,
(05:28):
not looking at their social media.
And here's the thing, if that's something you can do and leave everything as is and you don't want to unfriend or block or mute or whatever, then do that. But if you find yourself struggling in any of these ways, then mute them or unfollow them, which doesn't involve you having to unfriend them unfriend them if you're concerned about them seeing that or feeling away. But maybe unfriend them if that's gonna be to your benefit.
(05:52):
And even go as far as blocking them if they are
harassing you, reaching out to you, if they won't respect that boundary, or if you find yourself constantly going to try to peep in on them or talk to them.
Any of those methods
are strongly recommended up to whatever extent you need them to be
because
(06:12):
you want to
limit
your access to triggers, to seeing them post something or getting a DM from them or any of that sort of stuff. Also, keep in mind that this rule may also apply to their social circle, their family,
their friends, things like that. If you know that other people in their circle
(06:32):
are going to post things that are going going to be triggering to you, then maybe unfollow unfollow those people for a bit of time.
Maybe there comes a time where you could follow them back and be okay or, you know, or mute them, and there's a time where you can unmute them and be okay. Keep in mind that your your grief process, because that's what a breakup is. It's a grief and loss situation. There's been a loss of something or someone, and you're grieving. That grief process,
(06:58):
just like when somebody dies or just like when you lose a house, anything where you have a significant loss,
that grief process plays out over time, and it looks different at different points in your journey. So what you need now may be different than what you need six months from now. So
it may be muting people for right now, and there comes a time later where you're able to unmute them and feel okay. But what I'm saying here is the social media thing is just one of the first immediate things that needs to to go. It needs to not be a part of your
(07:30):
life anymore to
see what they're posting or to allow them access
to DM you or any of that sort of stuff.
If both people in the situation are keeping their distance when it comes to that and you guys wanna still follow each other and all of that and you feel emotional emotionally okay to do it, then great. But generally speaking, especially early on, it's usually not a bad idea to at least mute the person.
(07:54):
And with the contact situation, it's not just about your ability to contact them or their ability to contact you. You're also wanting to limit their access to you and your access to them. So back to the whole thing of even
if you are not,
you know, actually
DMing them or something like that, You do want to limit your ability to see what's going on in their life for a period of time as you are healing or trying to get used to a new normal without them or trying to kind of cleanse your space emotionally, mentally, physically, things like that.
(08:33):
Do you like what you're hearing? Are you picking up what I'm putting down?
Want to help the pod?
If so, please know it's greatly appreciated, and I welcome you to support the Bitter to Better podcast however you can.
Might I suggest a few options?
First, please rate and review the show on Spotify, Apple Podcast, or whatever platform you choose.
(08:55):
Next, how about sending this podcast to one friend who you know could use it? This way, she can't say you've never given her anything.
If you're really riding with me, talk about the show on social media and tag me. I'm at tracy panach on Instagram.
And lastly,
if you ever use any products or services I mentioned in the pod, can you tell them Tracy Pinnock from the Bitter to Better podcast sent you?
(09:19):
Please, and thank you.
Another thing worth noting
is,
what to do when your ex is making the rounds in your social circle. What I mean here is them calling, reaching out to your best friend, your mom,
(09:40):
your best friend's boyfriend, whoever,
trying
to get these people to talk to you about
your breakup or your ex.
In these situations,
you may also need to give your people
instructions.
Meet whether it's don't answer my ex's calls or attempts at contact,
(10:00):
block my ex on whatever form of communication
they may try to reach you on.
Here's the line that you give them. Here's what you say to them if you do talk to them. It's kind of like having a PR team and having a script that you have people say because, ultimately,
this needs to be handled between you and your ex. And once you've had some finalizing
(10:22):
or some some final conversations,
then the cutoff needs to happen. And so this can be a very common thing,
of them, you know, calling up your people and,
you know, being like, oh, tell so and so, this, that, and the third or things like that. Or sometimes them not even directly telling people to tell you, but they know that those people will tell you, so they talk to them. And it's just
(10:45):
not cool, quite frankly. So, of course, something that I guess I should have started with here, but
is
fairly obvious,
you should have a boundary setting conversation with your ex. Meaning, you can say to them like, hey. Don't contact my people, and here's what I'm expecting around communication between us.
(11:05):
You know, those sort of things, you know, yes, have an upfront conversation with somebody about those things to give them the opportunity to respect those boundaries without you having to do much. But, obviously, if they don't respect those boundaries, these are things that you may have to do.
Something else worth noting
is our hesitation
to cut off contact with an ex due to our concerns for their emotional and maybe even physical well-being.
(11:30):
And that is a completely understandable thing to be concerned about if you know that your ex is someone who's really struggling with the breakup emotionally or struggles in general emotionally or with mental health or substance abuse or suicidality or any things like that, self harm. And
it can be a very hard line to walk
(11:53):
around creating healthy boundaries between you and that person and
not wanting to,
do any harm or wanting to support them.
And the reality is that upon you no longer being in a relationship with them, long term,
the reality is that you
no longer become a part of that support system for them
(12:15):
unless you are
intending to remain friends or be friends, and I mean actual friends. That's a whole other speech I can give around the f word friends that we throw out so easily. But, honestly,
most x relationships
where people are saying we're friends doesn't actually
mirror a true friendship, but that's a conversation for another time. But what I'm getting at here is,
(12:39):
absolutely, there are people who
no longer have a romantic relationship but end up having solid friendships or supporting one another, especially if you're, like, co parents or something like that. But even with that,
what I'm saying here is that especially during the early times of a breakup,
you may need to,
or that person may need to have other support or should, not may need to, but should have other supports
(13:05):
to
help manage that in a particularly
emotional
and high,
you know, potentially high tension time of an early breakup.
Literally things like going to therapy if they do have a mental health condition or substance abuse,
having reaching out to any of their friends or family who can help. And I recognize not everyone has amazing support systems in their in their families,
(13:31):
or don't have strong friendships. So, obviously, these are case by case things that you need to assess. But what I'm getting at is
you
it's not realistic. It's not healthy,
and long term is not sustainable for you
to continue to be that person's
sole form
(13:52):
of support
or even a significant form of support
for them through those things upon your breakup. And, again, maybe at a later time where things are more settled, you find yourself
being in their life in that way, that remains to be seen. But
the whole idea of you not setting healthy boundaries with them because of your concern for them, that's something that you want to do your best
(14:17):
to work your way out of. And what I mean is providing them resources of where to get help, literally talking to certain people in their lives and letting them know, hey. This is what's going on with so and so. This is what's going on with my ex. You know, check-in on them. Be there with them. Because, also,
on the flip side, in some situations,
that person, your ex,
not seeking help that they could be seeking for whatever they're dealing with can be a way of controlling you and holding you hostage to them
(14:45):
emotionally,
maybe financially, any anyways, quite frankly. So you really just want to be mindful of that because if you are ending the relationship,
it
it it should be expected that you are not going to play a support for them in the way that you would have or the way that you did when you were in the relationship.
(15:06):
So in conclusion,
the key is that
boundary setting
is a huge factor in your own recovery from a breakup. If you are struggling with a breakup in any way, whether you ended it or someone else ended it, then it is going to be key to you to it it's going to be key for you to have healthy boundaries with your ex.
(15:29):
So think of boundary setting as a protective measure,
and it's an obligation to ourselves. Meaning, it's ideal when other people in our life naturally respect boundaries,
but
not everyone does that, especially with emotionally charged situations such as break up. So when someone is not respecting a boundary,
(15:50):
then it is our obligation to ourselves to actually
set that boundary and enforce it. And then enforcing it means
going beyond
just telling somebody
that you don't want them to call you or, you know, stop, you know, testing my mom or
don't just show up at my house. But it's also
(16:11):
reminding them and showing them as well. Like, okay. Well,
if me asking you
not to keep calling me
is not something you're willing to respect, then I might have to take the the
act of blocking you. Or I might have to tell, you know, my mom to just not respond to you at all. Or maybe it goes as far as legal action in situations where you feel it's warranted.
(16:34):
But the idea
is don't let somebody else's boundary crossing hold you hostage.
You know, when someone is
not doing
their part for themselves, so such as if they have struggles that make you concerned about their emotional well-being and so you're very hesitant to kind of, you know, again, set those boundaries,
(16:58):
then understand though that there's a certain amount of them
needing to take responsibility
for what they're going through
and actively
seek out and reach out for the help that's needed. It's like
someone having a broken leg
and
choosing not to go get medical attention for it
(17:19):
when they have access to that medical attention. And instead saying, like, oh, well, it's my broken leg. This is why I can't, you know, get up and do anything. It's understandable
that you can't get up and do anything with a broken leg,
but it's not understandable that you don't go to get it checked out or cared for or get the support you need.
So,
ultimately
(17:40):
and I guess a little bit also about boundaries that I obviously should have started with. But when people hear the word boundaries, it's like they automatically think of putting up a wall or cutting people off, and that's not the case. Boundaries exist in every single relationship in your life. Friendships,
your your coworkers, your boss, everyone. They exist right now as we are as I am speaking.
(18:01):
The it's just that
most boundaries you are not
super aware of because if boundaries aren't being crossed,
there tends to not be any need to talk about them or you don't notice them. But what I mean here is boundaries are ultimately,
you know, the rules of engagement between you and another person.
And so what boundaries really are about is there's healthy boundaries and there's unhealthy boundaries, but there's always
(18:26):
boundaries.
So when we say to,
set boundaries, it's really saying to
set healthy boundaries. There are boundaries that can be too rigid where it's like a cutoff that that might be like, I'm just gonna completely ignore someone
who, you know, isn't deserving of it.
And then there can be disused boundaries, which are boundaries where they're too lax, they're too loose, and you're just letting everything in and everyone in. And, you know, someone who calls at 3AM, you pick up the phone every single time. You know, like, these are, you know, examples of one end of the spectrum to the other when it comes to boundaries. So just understand that there's always a boundary between you and every person. There's boundaries between you and strangers, which tend to be more rigid because you don't know the person, so there's less, you know we allow less between us and strangers. You're not sharing, you know, necessarily intimate details. You're not being, you know, physically touching a stranger, things like that. So
(19:20):
I just want to, like, clarify that when it comes to boundary setting because people automatically think rejecting and closing off and all that sort of stuff. No. Boundaries are simply
protective measures for you for you and the relationship actually that you have with another person as well.
And so
we can tend to become resentful when boundaries are crossed and we don't enforce them, such as with an ex that is harassing or won't leave you alone when you're when you need, you know, that space. And you're like, just give me the space. Give me time or things like that. So I just wanna put that side note in. Nonetheless,
(19:56):
it is
very important
to
set healthy boundaries
with your ex.
Hey. By the way, I can be found in other places besides this podcast.
Just search my name on YouTube, and you'll find my channel. Subscribe for periodic how to videos for dealing with breakups and mastering dating. That's right. I said mastering dating. It's a skill, ladies.
(20:25):
I can also be found on Instagram at tracy panak.
And lastly, I most encourage you to join my email list where you get breakup and dating support delivered to your inbox in addition to getting the most exclusive access to my programs and coaching services.
My email list subscribers are the first to know when my coaching programs launch and the only people to get discounts when they're offered.
(20:48):
As always, I'm glad we got into it and looking forward to next time.
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