September 4, 2023 • 24 mins
In this episode I use my current dating experience to explain how to realistically casually date multiple people simultaneously.
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Why Women Should Date Like Men https://youtu.be/iKHuBBL4wVc
Ep. 3: It's Dating Season! https://spotifyanchor-web.app.link/e/p3NCgZUwHCb
Ep. 5: Hasty Dates In The City https://spotifyanchor-web.app.link/e/Sj9kIVUwHCb
Ep. 8: How Good AND Bad Dating Can Uplevel Your Standards https://spotifyanchor-web.app.link/e/QQnQVYZwHCb
MINISODE: Dating Is Romantic Interviewing https://spotifyanchor-web.app.link/e/16NMjWZwHCb
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Unknown (00:00):
Hey. Just a little message before we get started. I offer one on one coaching to women for breakup recovery and dating. So if you're interested, just send me an email at tracy@tphtherapy.com.
That's tracie@tphtherapy.com.
And let me know if you're interested, and I can give you information. We can hop on a very brief call
(00:24):
to see what your needs are either around dating and or breakup recovery,
and I'm really excited to help you on your journey.
Hey. I'm Tracy Panock, and welcome to the Bitter to Better podcast,
where I talk all things love and life that help women live better after breakups.
(00:46):
I'm glad you're here, and let's get into it.
Okay. So I'm going to attempt to describe
how I am currently dating with a full roster. And my reason for doing this is because I speak with women all the time about casually dating
(01:12):
and what we would call rotational dating,
dating with the roster, all that good stuff. And a lot of women
are opposed to this or nervous about it or don't understand how to do it.
You know, they mentioned they don't have enough time or energy, and all of these are valid and understandable,
concerns and perspectives.
(01:33):
But since this is
really the first time that I've dated with such a full roster, I figured I figured it's a good time to talk about what I'm doing, how I'm doing it, why I'm doing it, and all of that good stuff.
So
I'm going to talk about
six people,
and I'm giving them all
(01:54):
pseudonyms
and
explaining
the nature of my dating relationship with each of them and how I'm going about it in order to give some perspective
on how to do this. So
listen up.
So
I said there are six people on my roster.
(02:15):
Also, side note, I'm recording this
after 8PM, so my tired voice is in full effect.
So,
I said there are six people on my roster, but, actually, as of right now, there's five.
One recently
weeded himself out,
which I'll talk about.
And then, really, there's only four who have actually met in person at this time. So I kinda feel like if I haven't met you in person yet, and there's not really
(02:41):
there's it doesn't even really count.
But I will explain
why I'm including these people, though. And then of those four,
I would say there's two
who I'm, like,
actively
getting to know and talking to at this point, and there's two others
of those four. The other two
(03:01):
are two people who are kind of in my, like, established
circle, I guess you could say, where we don't have to talk all all of the time,
but we have an established relationship where we're able to connect and go out. So
the one
guy who weeded himself out, we will call him Jack.
(03:22):
He really loved being in the in the gym and talking about how jacked he was.
So that's his name.
And, ultimately, maybe about a week and a half, two weeks ago,
he,
responded
to my voice note about how
I
kind of allowed some of my own boundaries to be crossed with him a little bit and that that was frustrating me. And so I went back on like, I had agreed to go out with him on a a certain day, but then I went back on it because I was like,
(03:54):
it doesn't really work for me.
And so I really need to stand strong in that. And his response via text was something like, you know, there are too many boundaries with you, so I think it's best we go our separate ways. And I responded with, okay.
Wish you the best.
Because
I knew that I he was on his way out for me. Like, I was working to the point of being like, hey. Let's go our separate ways, and he did it for me, which was
(04:23):
so wonderful.
So that is a he very recently left the roster.
And I'm trying to think. Were any of these other people in the picture before he left? Or were were all of these people in the picture before he left? I think so, except for maybe
the guy who I'm going to call PM because he tends to be available,
(04:46):
late at night,
and I have not met him as of yet. And, honestly,
at most, I might go have a drink with him just to be just to not
completely close off options. And sometimes I am pleasantly surprised once I do meet someone.
So,
but we had a phone call last night for the first time, and other than that, it's been texting.
(05:09):
And he's like he does a lot of the initiating of the texting,
and it's maybe a little more than I usually
enjoy.
Personally, I don't like to do a lot of texting and talking on the phone before meeting in person because I think it can it create false intimacy, and it,
can have you forming an idea of someone
(05:30):
that maybe doesn't live up
to your idea of them in person.
We just haven't really really been able to get our schedules aligned. There was one night where I agreed to, like, go have a drink, but, honestly, I end up I knew I would be too tired. I needed to pick up my son from my mom, so I canceled.
And
(05:51):
this person,
PM, as we're calling him,
I, you know, I think we may eventually end up meeting for a drink or something, but I have not met him him in person yet. So it's really just texting, and we've had one phone call. So really actively, I have four people, four other people who I have met in person.
(06:14):
I've either had one date, two dates, or multiple dates with these people.
And,
they are people who I am, like, more actively fostering relationships with. So
one who we will call man,
he has a fairly simple straightforward
name, so we're just gonna call him man.
(06:34):
I had a first date with him, and he's
asked about having a second date. So we are in the process of planning that,
and it went very well. It was a very enjoyable,
normal, typical date.
Nice and refreshing,
typical, normal date and better than I was expecting. So this is one of those situations where I'm happy that I did ultimately end up going on the date with the person
(06:59):
because I ended up liking them more than I thought I would.
So,
I mean,
you know, go out on dates, go out on the date. You know? And, again, keeping it nice and casual can be a good way to do it if you're not sure about the person.
In this case, we had, like, a lunch, a sit down lunch.
So that was nice.
(07:21):
It was a nice, like, middle of the day type of thing.
And
now we text about once a day. Like, one of us checks in with the other and the other responds and, you know, then we chat again the next day. So it's a nice,
steady
flow of communication. It's not too much. It's not excessive. It's not over the top. We're not,
texting all day every day from morning to night. We're not FaceTiming it on the phone
(07:46):
all the time, morning to night. None of that. We've had one date that went well. We both wanna see each other again. We text about once a day, and we are in the process of planning a second date. It's kind of
the perfect nice and steady balance.
Then we have who I'm referring to as CEO.
CEO has a nontraditional,
(08:06):
relationship
setup,
and that he is in an open relationship.
And,
we've had two dates
that we've both enjoyed, and there's
pretty much a third has been suggested, though there are no
official plans.
And
(08:27):
CEO,
we don't do,
like, any in between chatting really
other than to schedule the dates.
And
this is still very new, so we will see where it goes and how it goes.
But it's kind of an exciting fun adventure
of a dating relationship, quite frankly.
(08:48):
Calling him CEO because he is a CEO of
something.
And then we have
Cairo,
which
actually stands
it's like a shortened version of, like, his profession.
But he is someone who
I've known for some weeks now,
(09:10):
a couple of months maybe at this point.
And we've seen each other,
three, four times in that time period. And,
it's
very, like,
chill and cool and
he and so we're we don't
chat a bunch
(09:31):
in between seeing each other,
and we both have busy schedules that don't align well.
So it's more like checking in. Hey. How are you? How are things? Great. Hey. Can you do this day? Oh, no. Sorry. Okay. Let's get back to each other. And then there won't be really any contact, and then one of us will pop in to try to schedule something. So this is one of this is one of those relationships that isn't, like, actively
(09:52):
being fostered on, like, a day by day, week by week type of basis. We just kind of have established this connection and relationship and know each other there and try to make time to see each other.
This is also
here for a good time, not a long time type of type of relationship for me because this person
is currently,
(10:13):
in my area for,
their PhD, but they plan to move back to their home state,
when that is done. And I've known that from the beginning, so we enjoy our time for what it is. And then we have who I'm referring to as OG,
original gangsta, aka, like,
(10:34):
been around for a while. This person is a person who
there are about three episodes on this podcast where I'm up I update about my dating relationship with them.
So this person,
I have technically known for almost eight years. There was a big gap,
for years of us having no contact because we had dated casually.
(10:55):
They went off to travel, and
we assumed we'd never see each other again. But
we reconnected, and,
I, on average, see this person about once a month, and we have, like, weekly,
sometimes multiple times a week communication in between,
of, like, messaging.
(11:15):
And,
we get along really well. We have great conversation. We laugh.
We go out. We stay in.
We,
do all the things. We may, you know, even we have plans to travel together.
But,
ultimately,
this is someone where they are firmly established in my life,
(11:37):
and it's an ongoing relationship that is still a casual dating relationship,
but, it doesn't we we have definitely gotten to know each other more and more, and it doesn't
there's a certain amount of consistent communication in between,
but still nothing like daily or anything like that. So
(11:58):
that is the nature of all of those relationships.
And,
ultimately, I just described six well, I would say five active ones. Right? And what I described, though, is a is a different
cadence to
the the pace of conversation and communication,
different relationships involved. So, like, if I were
(12:19):
full on dating five people who I spoke to every day, saw, you know, multiple days a week, all of that sort of stuff, by all means, that'd be quite exhausting and quite frankly,
probably not very enjoyable.
And what that would do is it would have me realistically, it would have me vetting
a bunch of them out to say like, okay. Here's who I want to spend my time with the most, that sort of thing.
(12:43):
And that makes complete sense if any of the people in your on your roster, in your dating circle
are serious contenders for you,
for a committed relationship. So what I mean here is someone who you're like, oh, yeah. You know, everything's
lining up for me about what I want in a partner that this person is also interested. Okay?
(13:05):
Very important.
This person is also interested in a committed relationship.
Or let's say, even before committed relationship, what I refer to as
exclusively dating, they're interested in in exclusively dating. Then if you have someone
in your orbit where that in your dating,
orbit, dating circle on your roster who
who is matching up to those things, then you would you would start vetting out these other people.
(13:30):
And I want to make that point very clear because I think a lot of times when people hear this idea of, like, casually date, casually date, they automatically assign casually date forever
there, which is which, to be clear, if you want to casually date forever, that's totally fine. But speaking for a lot of people who are actually looking for a committed partnership at some point, I am not out here saying casually date and only casually date forever. I am saying casually date
(13:55):
until you get to that
person who you want to ex exclusively date and as part of helping you find that person who you want to exclusively date. So,
I'll explain those two concepts in a moment. But, ultimately, what I'm saying is
dating five people,
(14:18):
and seeing them and talking to them constantly
is is exhausting. I I got kids. I got kids.
I got I got a job and a business I need. I I don't have time for that.
But because I because these all happen to be casual dating partners,
they're
I'm not seeing them all every day. I'm not talking to them all every day or anything like that, and I'm able
(14:40):
to connect with them and have good times with them and enjoy each relationship for what it is. So I want to be clear that, like, this is the process
of having multiple people on on my roster.
And as I described with one person, right, they vetted themselves out. I was starting to recognize that I wasn't into them like that,
and I was working my way to being like, I think I'm gonna let this go, and they let themselves go first. Then there's this other guy, PM, the one who I had the the one who I haven't, met in person,
(15:10):
who
I had a
a fine enough conversation on the phone with, but I am starting to recognize that, I don't think there's anything here. I don't I don't think that there'll be anything here where I'm really excited about going out with them or anything like that. So I'm likely going to suggest, you know, it's been nice talking, but I don't think
(15:30):
our,
you know, whether it's our lifestyles align or our values align or that, you know,
there's, you know, really a vibe. So thank you, but no thank you. So that right there is is, you know, vetting someone out of the pool. That would leave four people.
Two of the people, as I've mentioned, are very,
like, periodic,
(15:51):
dates and that sort of thing. So there's really not a lot of energy and effort that has to be put into those those right now. And so then the other two are two people who are newer to my circle, who I am actively
getting to know and talking to. One of them, we check-in on a daily basis. The other, we don't talk daily. So right there, I've kinda boiled that down to
(16:14):
how having this roster is actually feasible and enjoyable. And I wanna be clear. As soon as it stops being enjoyable, there's no point. There's no point. But
this is what I mean by, you know, having a roster and currently dating with what I'm referring to as a full roster. I mean, everyone determines for themselves what a full roster is. But I do generally suggest
if you are in the casual dating phases with anyone, that there's two or two or three people that you are dating, that you are not solely dating one person at a time
(16:42):
when it is casual dating. When you and another person have decided to exclusively date, then you exclusively date. You date just them. But until you're to that point,
it's to your benefit to go back to my the two points I wanted to make. It is to your benefit to casually date more than one person because
it helps you, one, so on your path to finding that person who you want to exclusively date and then maybe eventually be in a committed relationship with, it it helps you practice dating. It helps you meet new people, have new experiences, enjoy yourself, but it also helps you not become overly emotionally emotionally invested
(17:17):
in anyone
who may happen to not actually be a good match for whatever reason.
The other thing is that in dating multiple people, to my point of,
casually dating as part of helping you find your exclusive dating partner and your committed relationship partner, is that you
really get a clearer sense of comparison
of what you like and don't like, of what it feels like to date a person like this versus a person like this, or when this person does these things, what you appreciate and realize, okay, you you really want and need
(17:47):
in a dating relationship
versus things you don't want and need, and it helps give you better perspective and make more informed decisions around your dating process
when you have
multiple people to compare and multiple people to have experiences with and really feel
out what feels good to you and what doesn't.
(18:08):
For example, something that,
a couple of things that
I have learned or that have been confirmed for me about what I like and don't like is, for instance, the cadence of communication, meaning the frequency in which someone communicates with me.
I as I've said, I don't like having this constant
texting, calling, FaceTiming,
(18:30):
especially not before the first date.
But also even after that, I'm someone who's busy. I also like my space and all of that sort of thing, so I don't need to be on the phone with somebody all day every day. I need to have what feels like an appropriate amount of communication to get to know them. And
and
if I like them and want to continue to get to know them, then I do want a certain amount of, you know, interaction that helps us actually be able to do that. But quite frankly, if we are consistently seeing each other in person, I don't necessarily need a bunch of between,
(19:04):
dates interaction
on, like, a daily basis. But what I'm getting at here is in dating these different people and having them communicate in different ways, it is helping me to understand me more. Like, the guy who PM, who I don't think who I might have a drink with, but I don't really think it's gonna go beyond that.
I
(19:25):
his amount of contact and communication,
I'm not really enjoying right now. It's
more frequent than I'd like it to be for someone who I have not connected with in
in any real way,
as opposed to
the frequency of contact between me and man,
it's just right. It's like Goldilocks.
(19:48):
And so in dating
casually dating these people
and doing,
you know, doing it at the same time, it really helps me
get a feel and understanding for what's for me and what's not.
And so yeah. I mean, that's just one example of that.
I'm
also,
(20:09):
like, dating guys who have, like, different,
not just, like, social,
like, socioeconomic
statuses, but also, like, just in terms of, like, what their preferences are around you know, I have someone who's more of a foodie and, like, it you know, they really like to go to restaurants and, you know, eat good food. And that's introduced me to, like, so far, one restaurant,
(20:33):
because we've we've had, you know, two dates. One,
it was a restaurant I'd never gone to. The other was a restaurant I'd gone to and he'd never gone to. But, like, I have guys like that and others who are more, like, home bodies and
do more chill things and stuff like that. And it's helping me get a feel for what do I really like when it comes to my dating process. I know me and the things I enjoy.
(20:54):
So it's not that. Like, that's something that you should be establishing
before you even date anyone. Like, what do I like? What do I enjoy? But quite frankly, I enjoy a lot of things, a variety of things. I like the idea of going out on nature walks, and I like the idea of going to fancy restaurants.
And I like the idea of, you know, going
to,
a movie, and I like the idea of going skydiving. So, like, I'm all over the place. But my point here is, like,
(21:19):
as I'm interacting with different people,
I am going out on dates and and talking to people. I'm really getting a feel for, like, what do I want my dating experience to be like Where I have this variety of dating experiences, and I'm able to, again, vet out what doesn't work for me or get more of an understanding of what I like and don't like or say, hey. I thought I'd like this, but, actually,
(21:40):
you know, I I don't like as much as I thought or the other way around. So
in having
these multiple people who I'm casually dating, I'm able to really hone in more and more on what I want my dating relate dating life to be like. And in essence,
then the type of person who I want to
ultimately commit to and pair with. Like, do I want someone who is gonna be mostly at home
(22:06):
or someone who's gonna be mostly out? Or do I want more of a balance? Or do I want someone who's gonna show me and teach me new things?
Or do I want someone who's doing
only the things that I that I know? You know, by going on having these experiences
with people,
you're able to really hone in on that.
So, ultimately,
(22:28):
you can date
multiple people at once casually date multiple people at once,
and it doesn't look the same with everyone. It doesn't need to.
And you
start making decisions on who you vet out
along the way
and who you may bring in along the way as you are vetting for
(22:50):
and
looking for
your
exclusive dating and committed partners
yeah, your exclusive
dating partner or your committed partner.
Alright. So those were my
tips and tricks and tidbits on dating the full roster.
I'm sure there will be updates along the way on some of these situations,
(23:11):
but I just wanted to talk about that now because that's what's actively happening for me. And I and I wanted to talk about how to realistically,
date
multiple people at once.
Hey. By the way, I can be found in other places besides this podcast.
(23:32):
Just search my name on YouTube, and you'll find my channel. Subscribe for periodic how to videos for dealing with breakups and mastering dating.
That's right. I said mastering dating. It's a skill, ladies.
I can also be found on Instagram at tracy panach.
And lastly,
I most encourage you to join my email list where you get breakup and dating support delivered to your inbox in addition to getting the most exclusive access to my programs and coaching services.
(24:00):
My email list subscribers
are the first to know when my coaching programs launch and the only people to get discounts when they're offered.
As always, I'm glad we got into it and looking forward to next time.
Hey. Just a little message before we get started. I offer one on one coaching to women for breakup recovery and dating. So if you're interested, just send me an email at tracy@tphtherapy.com.
That's tracie@tphtherapy.com.
And let me know if you're interested, and I can give you information. We can hop on a very brief call
(00:24):
to see what your needs are either around dating and or breakup recovery,
and I'm really excited to help you on your journey.
Hey. I'm Tracy Panock, and welcome to the Bitter to Better podcast,
where I talk all things love and life that help women live better after breakups.
(00:46):
I'm glad you're here, and let's get into it.
Okay. So I'm going to attempt to describe
how I am currently dating with a full roster. And my reason for doing this is because I speak with women all the time about casually dating
(01:12):
and what we would call rotational dating,
dating with the roster, all that good stuff. And a lot of women
are opposed to this or nervous about it or don't understand how to do it.
You know, they mentioned they don't have enough time or energy, and all of these are valid and understandable,
concerns and perspectives.
(01:33):
But since this is
really the first time that I've dated with such a full roster, I figured I figured it's a good time to talk about what I'm doing, how I'm doing it, why I'm doing it, and all of that good stuff.
So
I'm going to talk about
six people,
and I'm giving them all
(01:54):
pseudonyms
and
explaining
the nature of my dating relationship with each of them and how I'm going about it in order to give some perspective
on how to do this. So
listen up.
So
I said there are six people on my roster.
(02:15):
Also, side note, I'm recording this
after 8PM, so my tired voice is in full effect.
So,
I said there are six people on my roster, but, actually, as of right now, there's five.
One recently
weeded himself out,
which I'll talk about.
And then, really, there's only four who have actually met in person at this time. So I kinda feel like if I haven't met you in person yet, and there's not really
(02:41):
there's it doesn't even really count.
But I will explain
why I'm including these people, though. And then of those four,
I would say there's two
who I'm, like,
actively
getting to know and talking to at this point, and there's two others
of those four. The other two
(03:01):
are two people who are kind of in my, like, established
circle, I guess you could say, where we don't have to talk all all of the time,
but we have an established relationship where we're able to connect and go out. So
the one
guy who weeded himself out, we will call him Jack.
(03:22):
He really loved being in the in the gym and talking about how jacked he was.
So that's his name.
And, ultimately, maybe about a week and a half, two weeks ago,
he,
responded
to my voice note about how
I
kind of allowed some of my own boundaries to be crossed with him a little bit and that that was frustrating me. And so I went back on like, I had agreed to go out with him on a a certain day, but then I went back on it because I was like,
(03:54):
it doesn't really work for me.
And so I really need to stand strong in that. And his response via text was something like, you know, there are too many boundaries with you, so I think it's best we go our separate ways. And I responded with, okay.
Wish you the best.
Because
I knew that I he was on his way out for me. Like, I was working to the point of being like, hey. Let's go our separate ways, and he did it for me, which was
(04:23):
so wonderful.
So that is a he very recently left the roster.
And I'm trying to think. Were any of these other people in the picture before he left? Or were were all of these people in the picture before he left? I think so, except for maybe
the guy who I'm going to call PM because he tends to be available,
(04:46):
late at night,
and I have not met him as of yet. And, honestly,
at most, I might go have a drink with him just to be just to not
completely close off options. And sometimes I am pleasantly surprised once I do meet someone.
So,
but we had a phone call last night for the first time, and other than that, it's been texting.
(05:09):
And he's like he does a lot of the initiating of the texting,
and it's maybe a little more than I usually
enjoy.
Personally, I don't like to do a lot of texting and talking on the phone before meeting in person because I think it can it create false intimacy, and it,
can have you forming an idea of someone
(05:30):
that maybe doesn't live up
to your idea of them in person.
We just haven't really really been able to get our schedules aligned. There was one night where I agreed to, like, go have a drink, but, honestly, I end up I knew I would be too tired. I needed to pick up my son from my mom, so I canceled.
And
(05:51):
this person,
PM, as we're calling him,
I, you know, I think we may eventually end up meeting for a drink or something, but I have not met him him in person yet. So it's really just texting, and we've had one phone call. So really actively, I have four people, four other people who I have met in person.
(06:14):
I've either had one date, two dates, or multiple dates with these people.
And,
they are people who I am, like, more actively fostering relationships with. So
one who we will call man,
he has a fairly simple straightforward
name, so we're just gonna call him man.
(06:34):
I had a first date with him, and he's
asked about having a second date. So we are in the process of planning that,
and it went very well. It was a very enjoyable,
normal, typical date.
Nice and refreshing,
typical, normal date and better than I was expecting. So this is one of those situations where I'm happy that I did ultimately end up going on the date with the person
(06:59):
because I ended up liking them more than I thought I would.
So,
I mean,
you know, go out on dates, go out on the date. You know? And, again, keeping it nice and casual can be a good way to do it if you're not sure about the person.
In this case, we had, like, a lunch, a sit down lunch.
So that was nice.
(07:21):
It was a nice, like, middle of the day type of thing.
And
now we text about once a day. Like, one of us checks in with the other and the other responds and, you know, then we chat again the next day. So it's a nice,
steady
flow of communication. It's not too much. It's not excessive. It's not over the top. We're not,
texting all day every day from morning to night. We're not FaceTiming it on the phone
(07:46):
all the time, morning to night. None of that. We've had one date that went well. We both wanna see each other again. We text about once a day, and we are in the process of planning a second date. It's kind of
the perfect nice and steady balance.
Then we have who I'm referring to as CEO.
CEO has a nontraditional,
(08:06):
relationship
setup,
and that he is in an open relationship.
And,
we've had two dates
that we've both enjoyed, and there's
pretty much a third has been suggested, though there are no
official plans.
And
(08:27):
CEO,
we don't do,
like, any in between chatting really
other than to schedule the dates.
And
this is still very new, so we will see where it goes and how it goes.
But it's kind of an exciting fun adventure
of a dating relationship, quite frankly.
(08:48):
Calling him CEO because he is a CEO of
something.
And then we have
Cairo,
which
actually stands
it's like a shortened version of, like, his profession.
But he is someone who
I've known for some weeks now,
(09:10):
a couple of months maybe at this point.
And we've seen each other,
three, four times in that time period. And,
it's
very, like,
chill and cool and
he and so we're we don't
chat a bunch
(09:31):
in between seeing each other,
and we both have busy schedules that don't align well.
So it's more like checking in. Hey. How are you? How are things? Great. Hey. Can you do this day? Oh, no. Sorry. Okay. Let's get back to each other. And then there won't be really any contact, and then one of us will pop in to try to schedule something. So this is one of this is one of those relationships that isn't, like, actively
(09:52):
being fostered on, like, a day by day, week by week type of basis. We just kind of have established this connection and relationship and know each other there and try to make time to see each other.
This is also
here for a good time, not a long time type of type of relationship for me because this person
is currently,
(10:13):
in my area for,
their PhD, but they plan to move back to their home state,
when that is done. And I've known that from the beginning, so we enjoy our time for what it is. And then we have who I'm referring to as OG,
original gangsta, aka, like,
(10:34):
been around for a while. This person is a person who
there are about three episodes on this podcast where I'm up I update about my dating relationship with them.
So this person,
I have technically known for almost eight years. There was a big gap,
for years of us having no contact because we had dated casually.
(10:55):
They went off to travel, and
we assumed we'd never see each other again. But
we reconnected, and,
I, on average, see this person about once a month, and we have, like, weekly,
sometimes multiple times a week communication in between,
of, like, messaging.
(11:15):
And,
we get along really well. We have great conversation. We laugh.
We go out. We stay in.
We,
do all the things. We may, you know, even we have plans to travel together.
But,
ultimately,
this is someone where they are firmly established in my life,
(11:37):
and it's an ongoing relationship that is still a casual dating relationship,
but, it doesn't we we have definitely gotten to know each other more and more, and it doesn't
there's a certain amount of consistent communication in between,
but still nothing like daily or anything like that. So
(11:58):
that is the nature of all of those relationships.
And,
ultimately, I just described six well, I would say five active ones. Right? And what I described, though, is a is a different
cadence to
the the pace of conversation and communication,
different relationships involved. So, like, if I were
(12:19):
full on dating five people who I spoke to every day, saw, you know, multiple days a week, all of that sort of stuff, by all means, that'd be quite exhausting and quite frankly,
probably not very enjoyable.
And what that would do is it would have me realistically, it would have me vetting
a bunch of them out to say like, okay. Here's who I want to spend my time with the most, that sort of thing.
(12:43):
And that makes complete sense if any of the people in your on your roster, in your dating circle
are serious contenders for you,
for a committed relationship. So what I mean here is someone who you're like, oh, yeah. You know, everything's
lining up for me about what I want in a partner that this person is also interested. Okay?
(13:05):
Very important.
This person is also interested in a committed relationship.
Or let's say, even before committed relationship, what I refer to as
exclusively dating, they're interested in in exclusively dating. Then if you have someone
in your orbit where that in your dating,
orbit, dating circle on your roster who
who is matching up to those things, then you would you would start vetting out these other people.
(13:30):
And I want to make that point very clear because I think a lot of times when people hear this idea of, like, casually date, casually date, they automatically assign casually date forever
there, which is which, to be clear, if you want to casually date forever, that's totally fine. But speaking for a lot of people who are actually looking for a committed partnership at some point, I am not out here saying casually date and only casually date forever. I am saying casually date
(13:55):
until you get to that
person who you want to ex exclusively date and as part of helping you find that person who you want to exclusively date. So,
I'll explain those two concepts in a moment. But, ultimately, what I'm saying is
dating five people,
(14:18):
and seeing them and talking to them constantly
is is exhausting. I I got kids. I got kids.
I got I got a job and a business I need. I I don't have time for that.
But because I because these all happen to be casual dating partners,
they're
I'm not seeing them all every day. I'm not talking to them all every day or anything like that, and I'm able
(14:40):
to connect with them and have good times with them and enjoy each relationship for what it is. So I want to be clear that, like, this is the process
of having multiple people on on my roster.
And as I described with one person, right, they vetted themselves out. I was starting to recognize that I wasn't into them like that,
and I was working my way to being like, I think I'm gonna let this go, and they let themselves go first. Then there's this other guy, PM, the one who I had the the one who I haven't, met in person,
(15:10):
who
I had a
a fine enough conversation on the phone with, but I am starting to recognize that, I don't think there's anything here. I don't I don't think that there'll be anything here where I'm really excited about going out with them or anything like that. So I'm likely going to suggest, you know, it's been nice talking, but I don't think
(15:30):
our,
you know, whether it's our lifestyles align or our values align or that, you know,
there's, you know, really a vibe. So thank you, but no thank you. So that right there is is, you know, vetting someone out of the pool. That would leave four people.
Two of the people, as I've mentioned, are very,
like, periodic,
(15:51):
dates and that sort of thing. So there's really not a lot of energy and effort that has to be put into those those right now. And so then the other two are two people who are newer to my circle, who I am actively
getting to know and talking to. One of them, we check-in on a daily basis. The other, we don't talk daily. So right there, I've kinda boiled that down to
(16:14):
how having this roster is actually feasible and enjoyable. And I wanna be clear. As soon as it stops being enjoyable, there's no point. There's no point. But
this is what I mean by, you know, having a roster and currently dating with what I'm referring to as a full roster. I mean, everyone determines for themselves what a full roster is. But I do generally suggest
if you are in the casual dating phases with anyone, that there's two or two or three people that you are dating, that you are not solely dating one person at a time
(16:42):
when it is casual dating. When you and another person have decided to exclusively date, then you exclusively date. You date just them. But until you're to that point,
it's to your benefit to go back to my the two points I wanted to make. It is to your benefit to casually date more than one person because
it helps you, one, so on your path to finding that person who you want to exclusively date and then maybe eventually be in a committed relationship with, it it helps you practice dating. It helps you meet new people, have new experiences, enjoy yourself, but it also helps you not become overly emotionally emotionally invested
(17:17):
in anyone
who may happen to not actually be a good match for whatever reason.
The other thing is that in dating multiple people, to my point of,
casually dating as part of helping you find your exclusive dating partner and your committed relationship partner, is that you
really get a clearer sense of comparison
of what you like and don't like, of what it feels like to date a person like this versus a person like this, or when this person does these things, what you appreciate and realize, okay, you you really want and need
(17:47):
in a dating relationship
versus things you don't want and need, and it helps give you better perspective and make more informed decisions around your dating process
when you have
multiple people to compare and multiple people to have experiences with and really feel
out what feels good to you and what doesn't.
(18:08):
For example, something that,
a couple of things that
I have learned or that have been confirmed for me about what I like and don't like is, for instance, the cadence of communication, meaning the frequency in which someone communicates with me.
I as I've said, I don't like having this constant
texting, calling, FaceTiming,
(18:30):
especially not before the first date.
But also even after that, I'm someone who's busy. I also like my space and all of that sort of thing, so I don't need to be on the phone with somebody all day every day. I need to have what feels like an appropriate amount of communication to get to know them. And
and
if I like them and want to continue to get to know them, then I do want a certain amount of, you know, interaction that helps us actually be able to do that. But quite frankly, if we are consistently seeing each other in person, I don't necessarily need a bunch of between,
(19:04):
dates interaction
on, like, a daily basis. But what I'm getting at here is in dating these different people and having them communicate in different ways, it is helping me to understand me more. Like, the guy who PM, who I don't think who I might have a drink with, but I don't really think it's gonna go beyond that.
I
(19:25):
his amount of contact and communication,
I'm not really enjoying right now. It's
more frequent than I'd like it to be for someone who I have not connected with in
in any real way,
as opposed to
the frequency of contact between me and man,
it's just right. It's like Goldilocks.
(19:48):
And so in dating
casually dating these people
and doing,
you know, doing it at the same time, it really helps me
get a feel and understanding for what's for me and what's not.
And so yeah. I mean, that's just one example of that.
I'm
also,
(20:09):
like, dating guys who have, like, different,
not just, like, social,
like, socioeconomic
statuses, but also, like, just in terms of, like, what their preferences are around you know, I have someone who's more of a foodie and, like, it you know, they really like to go to restaurants and, you know, eat good food. And that's introduced me to, like, so far, one restaurant,
(20:33):
because we've we've had, you know, two dates. One,
it was a restaurant I'd never gone to. The other was a restaurant I'd gone to and he'd never gone to. But, like, I have guys like that and others who are more, like, home bodies and
do more chill things and stuff like that. And it's helping me get a feel for what do I really like when it comes to my dating process. I know me and the things I enjoy.
(20:54):
So it's not that. Like, that's something that you should be establishing
before you even date anyone. Like, what do I like? What do I enjoy? But quite frankly, I enjoy a lot of things, a variety of things. I like the idea of going out on nature walks, and I like the idea of going to fancy restaurants.
And I like the idea of, you know, going
to,
a movie, and I like the idea of going skydiving. So, like, I'm all over the place. But my point here is, like,
(21:19):
as I'm interacting with different people,
I am going out on dates and and talking to people. I'm really getting a feel for, like, what do I want my dating experience to be like Where I have this variety of dating experiences, and I'm able to, again, vet out what doesn't work for me or get more of an understanding of what I like and don't like or say, hey. I thought I'd like this, but, actually,
(21:40):
you know, I I don't like as much as I thought or the other way around. So
in having
these multiple people who I'm casually dating, I'm able to really hone in more and more on what I want my dating relate dating life to be like. And in essence,
then the type of person who I want to
ultimately commit to and pair with. Like, do I want someone who is gonna be mostly at home
(22:06):
or someone who's gonna be mostly out? Or do I want more of a balance? Or do I want someone who's gonna show me and teach me new things?
Or do I want someone who's doing
only the things that I that I know? You know, by going on having these experiences
with people,
you're able to really hone in on that.
So, ultimately,
(22:28):
you can date
multiple people at once casually date multiple people at once,
and it doesn't look the same with everyone. It doesn't need to.
And you
start making decisions on who you vet out
along the way
and who you may bring in along the way as you are vetting for
(22:50):
and
looking for
your
exclusive dating and committed partners
yeah, your exclusive
dating partner or your committed partner.
Alright. So those were my
tips and tricks and tidbits on dating the full roster.
I'm sure there will be updates along the way on some of these situations,
(23:11):
but I just wanted to talk about that now because that's what's actively happening for me. And I and I wanted to talk about how to realistically,
date
multiple people at once.
Hey. By the way, I can be found in other places besides this podcast.
(23:32):
Just search my name on YouTube, and you'll find my channel. Subscribe for periodic how to videos for dealing with breakups and mastering dating.
That's right. I said mastering dating. It's a skill, ladies.
I can also be found on Instagram at tracy panach.
And lastly,
I most encourage you to join my email list where you get breakup and dating support delivered to your inbox in addition to getting the most exclusive access to my programs and coaching services.
(24:00):
My email list subscribers
are the first to know when my coaching programs launch and the only people to get discounts when they're offered.
As always, I'm glad we got into it and looking forward to next time.
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