September 11, 2023 • 20 mins
In this episode I explain tasks to do to help soothe yourself through the challenging emotions you may feel after a breakup.
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Ep. 4: Practical Considerations for Recovering After Breakups https://spotifyanchor-web.app.link/e/kamkkrUR0Cb
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Unknown (00:00):
Hey. Just a little message before we get started. I offer one on one coaching to women for breakup recovery and dating. So if you're interested, just send me an email at tracy@tphtherapy.com.
That's tracie@tphtherapy.com.
And let me know if you're interested, and I can give you information. We can hop on a very brief call
(00:24):
to see what your needs are either around dating and or breakup recovery,
and I'm really excited to help you on your journey.
Hey. I'm Tracy Panock, and welcome to the Bitter to Better podcast,
where I talk all things love and life that help women live better after breakups.
(00:46):
I'm glad you're here, and let's get into it.
Hey. Hey. Today, we're talking about how how to emotionally
rebuild after a breakup.
So I think of breakup recovery in three phases,
the survival phase, the maintenance phase, and the thriving phase.
(01:07):
And there are different tasks that we are tending to in each phase,
and no phase has any specific amount of time. Everyone's journey is different because
breakups fall into the grief and loss category. So just as when someone dies, we grieve,
and the idea is that everyone's grief process is unique to them and it goes on its own timeline,
(01:30):
so does grieving the loss of your relationship,
so does grieving any significant loss in your life. So
I want to talk about the emotional process of rebuilding
after a breakup. There's a previous podcast episode where I talk about some of the practical aspects, particularly from my own personal experience and story.
(01:51):
This is where I'm going to kind of lay a a kind of,
how can I say, a lay out a process for things to do,
as part of helping you
emotionally
move through your breakup?
First off,
it's the most obvious thing, and this is the thing that people tend to try to avoid the most. That is to allow yourself
(02:15):
to feel.
Give yourself the time, the space, the
privacy to feel your feelings, your sadness, your anger, disappointment, your embarrassment, your shame, your confusion,
your ambivalence.
Insert whatever you're feeling, your fear. There are multiple emotions that you are feeling due to a breakup, a separation, a divorce,
(02:37):
any ending of a romantic relationship.
And so it is very important
to allow yourself to feel that and to not just stuff your feelings all the time and act like they're not there and try to just move on.
There's absolutely, of course, a time and place or I I should say,
there are a number of times in which it is inconvenient
(02:57):
to
allow ourselves to fully experience our emotions, to cry or scream or
just be, you know, closed off to people because we're working or we're parenting or we're trying to be a good friend or a good sister or etcetera etcetera. So, of course,
every moment isn't the ideal moment for us to feel our feelings,
(03:17):
but we also need to allow those moments to exist. And quite frankly, by you giving
dedicated time and space to feel your feelings, it helps reduce the likelihood that they're just gonna come out during a inconvenient time in your life. So the question becomes, well, how do I allow myself to feel my feelings? Oftentimes,
it requires some privacy. You know, not being around other people is a good way to start. So I like the idea
(03:44):
of
literally setting aside, let's say, maybe twenty minutes,
thirty minutes where you're going to
sit by yourself
and just allow your thoughts to to wander and go wherever they go. Because
when you really think about it, much of our time is spent not letting our thoughts wander. It's focused our thoughts are focused on working,
(04:05):
on getting to that appointment at a certain time, cleaning the house,
you name it, helping kids with homework,
sleeping,
whatever,
and not our a lot of our time is not spent just allowing our thoughts to wander and to reflect, which means to, like, think about things and ask ourselves questions.
So you can you can choose to do, like, you know, say, hey. When I wake up in the morning, I'm gonna give myself twenty minutes to
(04:31):
just think or to write or to voice record myself, just my random free thoughts. They don't need to make any sense. But, like, in particular, when I'm trying to deal with the emotions of my breakup, I might ask myself, how do I feel about
my breakup?
And let it all come out.
A formal exercise
that I often recommend to people to do is what I call the emotional identification exercise.
(04:55):
It's about being able to identify what you're feeling,
identify why you're feeling it, and then identify task that help to soothe you through it. So if you're gonna write this down, if you're gonna journal,
this if you're gonna do this, you know, exercise, like, as a journaling exercise,
you would have three columns on your paper. Column one would be the emotion. Column two would be why you're feeling the emotion, and column three would be task to help you do through the emotion.
(05:19):
So you would sit down and you would ask yourself, what are the different emotions that I'm feeling about this?
Sadness and anger tend to be very obvious obvious ones.
So you might say there's sadness, so you'd put that in column one. Under sadness, you'd put anger. Under that, you put whatever else you're feeling. Maybe you're feeling anxiety. Maybe you're feeling embarrassment, shame,
(05:40):
guilt, confusion, disappointment,
fear. We can go on and on and on. All the emotions that come up for you, you're gonna write them down in that column, column one. Column two, you're going to ask yourself, why am I feeling anger? What are the reasons?
How the relationship ended or what my partner did or said to me or
how people responded to me afterwards. Whatever. There can be multiple reasons for the anger. You're gonna do the same thing for sadness for every other emotion that you have listed there. What are the reasons that I'm feeling this emotion in regards to this topic, my breakup?
(06:09):
Then in the third column, you're going to to really think and brainstorm on
activities and tasks
that help
to soothe you through
that emotion.
So
just from your life experience, you may find that when I'm angry, it's helpful for me to move my body. So going out for a walk or a run or exercising
or hula hooping,
(06:30):
is helpful for me. Listening to music might be helpful to me. Talking to someone might be helpful to me. Meditating,
cleaning.
The list can go on and on. Taking a nap,
doing some work to distract myself. But what I'm having you do here is to actually sit and take time to think. What are all the things I've come to find can be helpful to me when I'm angry, when I'm sad, when I'm embarrassed? And a lot of these tasks and activities might be the very same for all these different emotions. Ultimately, you are you are identifying
(07:02):
what helps to soothe you as a person, And this is a very valuable
task because right now we're talking about your emotions in relation to your breakup, but this really applies
whenever you're dealing with tough emotions and wanting to find ways to soothe yourself.
So outside of giving yourself time and space to feel your emotions, there are some other things that you can be doing to help soothe yourself or to help yourself cope.
(07:27):
Definitely
talking to trusted others, friends, family, coworkers,
therapist, but pretty much social
contact, social connection with other people. So some of the people may be people people who are really good at emotionally supporting you. Some people might be good at giving advice. Some people may have gone through what you're going through.
(07:49):
Some people may be good at doing things with you to help distract you. Some people may be good about giving you a kick in the butt to kind of get things moving.
Some people may be good with, you know, giving you hugs and and physical affection that help to soothe you. But what I'm saying is utilize your social resources. Seek people out. These may be people who are already in your life, like friends and family. This may be finding a therapist. This may be joining support groups, finding Facebook groups and online groups for people who are going through a divorce or separation or breakups, things like that. This may be seeking out coaching services, things like that. Hello. I'm available.
(08:27):
But
it is about connecting with other people who you trust and who are supportive to you.
Do you like what you're hearing? Are you picking up what I'm putting down? Want to help the pod?
If so, please know it's greatly appreciated, and I welcome you to support the Bitter to Better podcast however you can.
(08:52):
Might I suggest a few options?
First, please rate and review the show on Spotify, Apple podcast, or whatever platform you choose.
Next, how about sending this podcast to one friend who you know could use it? This way, she can't say you've never given her anything.
If you're really riding with me, talk about the show on social media and tag me. I'm at tracy panok on Instagram.
(09:16):
And lastly,
if you ever use any products or services I mentioned in the pod, can you tell them Tracy Pinnock from the Bitter to Better podcast sent you?
Please and thank you.
I also like the idea of consuming aligned content. What I mean here is listening to, watching things, reading things
(09:40):
that align with how you're feeling or what you need in the moment. It may be a sad song. It may be an upbeat song. It may be a dramatic show. It may be a
comedic
movie. It may be
reading things online,
reading books, whether self help and factual books and memoirs of people who have been through something similar to you or fictional
(10:01):
stories that are very much related to what you're going through so that you can feel validated or things that take you completely out of what you're going through. You know, something that's, you know, fantasy or sci fi or things like that. But engaging in content,
in media, in art that helps to soothe you, whether it's because it helps you feel validated because it's similar to your experience, or whether it takes you completely out of your experience and kind of distracts you. So think of things you can read, audiobooks, a podcast. Hello. Here's one.
(10:31):
Television shows, movies,
music,
all of these sort of things that you can engage in consuming
that help to soothe you and help you cope.
Kind of similar to my the point I just made about consuming content,
seek comfort and healthy distractions. So that can be television or movies, but it might be nature and being, you know, taking walks, being by the water, being amongst trees, being in the sunshine,
(10:57):
music, dancing, moving your body, being with pets, being with certain people who help to soothe you, parenting, doing the things that you need to do, like parent your children, go to work, clean your house, take naps. But what I'm saying are things that actively get your mind off of the thing, things that distract you or get you so focused that you don't have the ability to think about the thing.
(11:20):
Healthy distractions
for, you know, certain periods of time are can be very useful and very helpful. What you don't want to do is distract yourself so much that you don't allow yourself to do point one, which was give yourself time and space to feel your feelings. But if you're giving yourself time and space to feel your feel feel your feelings, then it's also very healthy for you to do things that allow you to not think about the thing that's causing you distress.
(11:47):
Physical release is very helpful and very important. So I kind of mentioned it a little bit earlier,
but
find things to intentionally
release physical tension from your body to,
get some adrenaline and endorphins going that help you feel good, to increase your dopamine,
things like that. So exercising,
(12:10):
dancing, hula hooping, swimming, playing a sport, any sort of workout class that you enjoy.
You know, for me, I would put on my my
virtual reality headset,
and
play, like, supernatural.
It's an app, a fitness app that gets your body moving, and there's music, and you're also in destinations around the world. But things that help you move your body
(12:37):
are very useful for releasing tension, releasing trauma,
distracting yourself,
getting the feel good chemicals going around in your body, all of that stuff. So find something physical for you to do.
This next one is my favorite,
which is
visualizing
and scripting.
(12:57):
And this is one that can oftentimes be a little later in your emotional recovery process because when the feelings are super fresh,
it may be hard to envision a more
positive ideal future for yourself.
And so I recognize
that,
this is something that might be a little later in the phase. But if you're up for it early on in the in your emotional recovery, then go for it because it's powerful.
(13:24):
So visualizing is really
imagining
and getting very detailed
about the about whatever it is you want. So I like to think of it in terms of, okay. This is where I am now. What do don't I like about my current circumstances? Everything from my breakup and other aspects of my life. How would I like it to be? There's this question called the miracle question that's used in therapy often, that goes
(13:47):
you know, imagine
you went to bed tonight, and when you woke up in the morning,
everything was how you wanted it to be. How would things look, feel? What would you hear? What would you see? What would you smell? Who would be around you? You wake up in your bed
to start your day,
and
you get up. What would be happening?
(14:08):
Pretty much map out your day to me. And so you really practice
imagining and feeling into
what it would be like
to have your ideal
relationship,
money situation,
home,
parenting situation,
career,
hobbies, whatever it is you want to be doing. And you you close your eyes, you imagine it. But then you also write about it. You script. So scripting is writing
(14:37):
about something as if it has already happened. So, you know, like, as if you're writing a journal entry about you know, I love the the way
I've decorated the house. It's, you know, in the most beautiful neighborhood, and it's where I've always wanted to live. And the kids love it, and you can go on and on and on and on. Make it yours. So that's scripting.
(14:58):
And then you can do all sorts of,
other visualizing
exercises like creating a vision board.
I like to write what I call a look back letter. So it's it's scripting pretty much, and it's writing a letter to yourself
as if everything you've wanted to happen over this past year has already happened. And then I like to read it the end of the year. So, like, I would write one in January of twenty twenty three, or I should say I wrote one in January of twenty twenty three, And I will read it December 2023 as I go into the new year just to see how things have evolved based on what I wanted to evolve
(15:30):
what I wanted to evolve and what I wrote in my letter. And I do this every year, and I love it, and it's powerful.
So leaning into the things that give you hope for the future. This is the part where you're looking ahead at how you want things to be even if they're not quite that way right now. But this is a hugely helpful emotional exercise because it really gets you excited about
(15:52):
what your goals are and where you want to be in life. So I highly recommend you do some form of visualization
and scripting. And if you really wanna get heavy, get yourself into some law of attraction,
follow some Esther Hicks,
you know, YouTube,
Google. There's books.
I love it. Some Amanda Francis,
some Francesca Amber,
(16:14):
some manifestation babe.
Just just look them up. Look them up.
But yeah. So
I hugely, huge hugely recommend visualizing, scripting. Ultimately, goal setting is really what it is, but it's doing it from more of a soulful, emotional
place.
And then lastly, to circle back around to the idea of therapy, if you feel that you could really use some therapy to help yourself cope, then go for it. You might be experiencing some anxiety or depression over your breakup. You might have experienced some trauma whether in the relationship or due to the breakup.
(16:48):
So definitely seek out professional help if you feel you need it. That also leads us into the possibility of medication for, like, anxiety or depression, which is something that a psychiatrist,
or your primary care doctor could help you with. So, also, you know, be open to considering other options if you feel like it's really to an extent where you're really finding yourself struggling
and recognize
(17:09):
that something like a breakup, separation, or divorce
can result in
higher levels of anxiety or depression or even experiences of trauma. So don't discount those things and seek out professional help if you need to.
My quick go tos for finding therapists,
are psychologytoday.com
or the website for your insurance provider. They would provide you a listing. There's also Open Collective, which is a database for therapists who are offering reduced fee sessions.
(17:37):
Therapy for black girls
is a,
directory
of black therapist.
And I would say, yeah, googling therapist in your town as well is also a good way to find therapist.
Alright. That's what I have for today.
So definitely
(17:57):
make sure to give yourself time and space to feel your emotions. This is an emotional process. And to be clear, it's not that, you know, as you go along the process, as you move through the phases of survival, maintenance, and thriving, It's not to say that when you're at the thriving phase, you're never gonna have down or sad moments because
by all means, you may. You may have certain memories or certain triggers that come up that make you feel sad.
(18:21):
Understand that you're not failing or going backwards by having emotional moments,
you know, later on in your recovery process. So sometimes people will feel like, oh, I've been doing so well. I haven't cried for two weeks, and then I cried the other day, or I felt sad the other day. Yep. That's called being human.
And the road to recovery
and rebuilding is not this, you know, straight,
(18:43):
you know,
line
upwards. It's this jagged line that mimics more of a heart rate monitor. So just have realistic expectations of your own healing process and your own healing journey and recognize that you're gonna flip flop here and there, and that is totally normal and to be expected. But I hope that these things are helpful to you in your emotional rebuilding process after a breakup.
(19:11):
Hey. By the way, I can be found in other places besides this podcast.
Just search my name on YouTube, and you'll find my channel.
Subscribe for periodic how to videos for dealing with breakups and mastering dating.
That's right. I said, mastering dating. It's a skill, ladies.
I can also be found on Instagram at tracypenock.
And lastly,
(19:32):
I most encourage you to join my email list where you get breakup and dating support delivered to your inbox in addition to getting the most exclusive access to my programs and coaching services.
My email list subscribers
are the first to know when my coaching programs launch and the only people to get discounts when they're offered. As always, I'm glad we got into it and looking forward to next time.
Hey. Just a little message before we get started. I offer one on one coaching to women for breakup recovery and dating. So if you're interested, just send me an email at tracy@tphtherapy.com.
That's tracie@tphtherapy.com.
And let me know if you're interested, and I can give you information. We can hop on a very brief call
(00:24):
to see what your needs are either around dating and or breakup recovery,
and I'm really excited to help you on your journey.
Hey. I'm Tracy Panock, and welcome to the Bitter to Better podcast,
where I talk all things love and life that help women live better after breakups.
(00:46):
I'm glad you're here, and let's get into it.
Hey. Hey. Today, we're talking about how how to emotionally
rebuild after a breakup.
So I think of breakup recovery in three phases,
the survival phase, the maintenance phase, and the thriving phase.
(01:07):
And there are different tasks that we are tending to in each phase,
and no phase has any specific amount of time. Everyone's journey is different because
breakups fall into the grief and loss category. So just as when someone dies, we grieve,
and the idea is that everyone's grief process is unique to them and it goes on its own timeline,
(01:30):
so does grieving the loss of your relationship,
so does grieving any significant loss in your life. So
I want to talk about the emotional process of rebuilding
after a breakup. There's a previous podcast episode where I talk about some of the practical aspects, particularly from my own personal experience and story.
(01:51):
This is where I'm going to kind of lay a a kind of,
how can I say, a lay out a process for things to do,
as part of helping you
emotionally
move through your breakup?
First off,
it's the most obvious thing, and this is the thing that people tend to try to avoid the most. That is to allow yourself
(02:15):
to feel.
Give yourself the time, the space, the
privacy to feel your feelings, your sadness, your anger, disappointment, your embarrassment, your shame, your confusion,
your ambivalence.
Insert whatever you're feeling, your fear. There are multiple emotions that you are feeling due to a breakup, a separation, a divorce,
(02:37):
any ending of a romantic relationship.
And so it is very important
to allow yourself to feel that and to not just stuff your feelings all the time and act like they're not there and try to just move on.
There's absolutely, of course, a time and place or I I should say,
there are a number of times in which it is inconvenient
(02:57):
to
allow ourselves to fully experience our emotions, to cry or scream or
just be, you know, closed off to people because we're working or we're parenting or we're trying to be a good friend or a good sister or etcetera etcetera. So, of course,
every moment isn't the ideal moment for us to feel our feelings,
(03:17):
but we also need to allow those moments to exist. And quite frankly, by you giving
dedicated time and space to feel your feelings, it helps reduce the likelihood that they're just gonna come out during a inconvenient time in your life. So the question becomes, well, how do I allow myself to feel my feelings? Oftentimes,
it requires some privacy. You know, not being around other people is a good way to start. So I like the idea
(03:44):
of
literally setting aside, let's say, maybe twenty minutes,
thirty minutes where you're going to
sit by yourself
and just allow your thoughts to to wander and go wherever they go. Because
when you really think about it, much of our time is spent not letting our thoughts wander. It's focused our thoughts are focused on working,
(04:05):
on getting to that appointment at a certain time, cleaning the house,
you name it, helping kids with homework,
sleeping,
whatever,
and not our a lot of our time is not spent just allowing our thoughts to wander and to reflect, which means to, like, think about things and ask ourselves questions.
So you can you can choose to do, like, you know, say, hey. When I wake up in the morning, I'm gonna give myself twenty minutes to
(04:31):
just think or to write or to voice record myself, just my random free thoughts. They don't need to make any sense. But, like, in particular, when I'm trying to deal with the emotions of my breakup, I might ask myself, how do I feel about
my breakup?
And let it all come out.
A formal exercise
that I often recommend to people to do is what I call the emotional identification exercise.
(04:55):
It's about being able to identify what you're feeling,
identify why you're feeling it, and then identify task that help to soothe you through it. So if you're gonna write this down, if you're gonna journal,
this if you're gonna do this, you know, exercise, like, as a journaling exercise,
you would have three columns on your paper. Column one would be the emotion. Column two would be why you're feeling the emotion, and column three would be task to help you do through the emotion.
(05:19):
So you would sit down and you would ask yourself, what are the different emotions that I'm feeling about this?
Sadness and anger tend to be very obvious obvious ones.
So you might say there's sadness, so you'd put that in column one. Under sadness, you'd put anger. Under that, you put whatever else you're feeling. Maybe you're feeling anxiety. Maybe you're feeling embarrassment, shame,
(05:40):
guilt, confusion, disappointment,
fear. We can go on and on and on. All the emotions that come up for you, you're gonna write them down in that column, column one. Column two, you're going to ask yourself, why am I feeling anger? What are the reasons?
How the relationship ended or what my partner did or said to me or
how people responded to me afterwards. Whatever. There can be multiple reasons for the anger. You're gonna do the same thing for sadness for every other emotion that you have listed there. What are the reasons that I'm feeling this emotion in regards to this topic, my breakup?
(06:09):
Then in the third column, you're going to to really think and brainstorm on
activities and tasks
that help
to soothe you through
that emotion.
So
just from your life experience, you may find that when I'm angry, it's helpful for me to move my body. So going out for a walk or a run or exercising
or hula hooping,
(06:30):
is helpful for me. Listening to music might be helpful to me. Talking to someone might be helpful to me. Meditating,
cleaning.
The list can go on and on. Taking a nap,
doing some work to distract myself. But what I'm having you do here is to actually sit and take time to think. What are all the things I've come to find can be helpful to me when I'm angry, when I'm sad, when I'm embarrassed? And a lot of these tasks and activities might be the very same for all these different emotions. Ultimately, you are you are identifying
(07:02):
what helps to soothe you as a person, And this is a very valuable
task because right now we're talking about your emotions in relation to your breakup, but this really applies
whenever you're dealing with tough emotions and wanting to find ways to soothe yourself.
So outside of giving yourself time and space to feel your emotions, there are some other things that you can be doing to help soothe yourself or to help yourself cope.
(07:27):
Definitely
talking to trusted others, friends, family, coworkers,
therapist, but pretty much social
contact, social connection with other people. So some of the people may be people people who are really good at emotionally supporting you. Some people might be good at giving advice. Some people may have gone through what you're going through.
(07:49):
Some people may be good at doing things with you to help distract you. Some people may be good about giving you a kick in the butt to kind of get things moving.
Some people may be good with, you know, giving you hugs and and physical affection that help to soothe you. But what I'm saying is utilize your social resources. Seek people out. These may be people who are already in your life, like friends and family. This may be finding a therapist. This may be joining support groups, finding Facebook groups and online groups for people who are going through a divorce or separation or breakups, things like that. This may be seeking out coaching services, things like that. Hello. I'm available.
(08:27):
But
it is about connecting with other people who you trust and who are supportive to you.
Do you like what you're hearing? Are you picking up what I'm putting down? Want to help the pod?
If so, please know it's greatly appreciated, and I welcome you to support the Bitter to Better podcast however you can.
(08:52):
Might I suggest a few options?
First, please rate and review the show on Spotify, Apple podcast, or whatever platform you choose.
Next, how about sending this podcast to one friend who you know could use it? This way, she can't say you've never given her anything.
If you're really riding with me, talk about the show on social media and tag me. I'm at tracy panok on Instagram.
(09:16):
And lastly,
if you ever use any products or services I mentioned in the pod, can you tell them Tracy Pinnock from the Bitter to Better podcast sent you?
Please and thank you.
I also like the idea of consuming aligned content. What I mean here is listening to, watching things, reading things
(09:40):
that align with how you're feeling or what you need in the moment. It may be a sad song. It may be an upbeat song. It may be a dramatic show. It may be a
comedic
movie. It may be
reading things online,
reading books, whether self help and factual books and memoirs of people who have been through something similar to you or fictional
(10:01):
stories that are very much related to what you're going through so that you can feel validated or things that take you completely out of what you're going through. You know, something that's, you know, fantasy or sci fi or things like that. But engaging in content,
in media, in art that helps to soothe you, whether it's because it helps you feel validated because it's similar to your experience, or whether it takes you completely out of your experience and kind of distracts you. So think of things you can read, audiobooks, a podcast. Hello. Here's one.
(10:31):
Television shows, movies,
music,
all of these sort of things that you can engage in consuming
that help to soothe you and help you cope.
Kind of similar to my the point I just made about consuming content,
seek comfort and healthy distractions. So that can be television or movies, but it might be nature and being, you know, taking walks, being by the water, being amongst trees, being in the sunshine,
(10:57):
music, dancing, moving your body, being with pets, being with certain people who help to soothe you, parenting, doing the things that you need to do, like parent your children, go to work, clean your house, take naps. But what I'm saying are things that actively get your mind off of the thing, things that distract you or get you so focused that you don't have the ability to think about the thing.
(11:20):
Healthy distractions
for, you know, certain periods of time are can be very useful and very helpful. What you don't want to do is distract yourself so much that you don't allow yourself to do point one, which was give yourself time and space to feel your feelings. But if you're giving yourself time and space to feel your feel feel your feelings, then it's also very healthy for you to do things that allow you to not think about the thing that's causing you distress.
(11:47):
Physical release is very helpful and very important. So I kind of mentioned it a little bit earlier,
but
find things to intentionally
release physical tension from your body to,
get some adrenaline and endorphins going that help you feel good, to increase your dopamine,
things like that. So exercising,
(12:10):
dancing, hula hooping, swimming, playing a sport, any sort of workout class that you enjoy.
You know, for me, I would put on my my
virtual reality headset,
and
play, like, supernatural.
It's an app, a fitness app that gets your body moving, and there's music, and you're also in destinations around the world. But things that help you move your body
(12:37):
are very useful for releasing tension, releasing trauma,
distracting yourself,
getting the feel good chemicals going around in your body, all of that stuff. So find something physical for you to do.
This next one is my favorite,
which is
visualizing
and scripting.
(12:57):
And this is one that can oftentimes be a little later in your emotional recovery process because when the feelings are super fresh,
it may be hard to envision a more
positive ideal future for yourself.
And so I recognize
that,
this is something that might be a little later in the phase. But if you're up for it early on in the in your emotional recovery, then go for it because it's powerful.
(13:24):
So visualizing is really
imagining
and getting very detailed
about the about whatever it is you want. So I like to think of it in terms of, okay. This is where I am now. What do don't I like about my current circumstances? Everything from my breakup and other aspects of my life. How would I like it to be? There's this question called the miracle question that's used in therapy often, that goes
(13:47):
you know, imagine
you went to bed tonight, and when you woke up in the morning,
everything was how you wanted it to be. How would things look, feel? What would you hear? What would you see? What would you smell? Who would be around you? You wake up in your bed
to start your day,
and
you get up. What would be happening?
(14:08):
Pretty much map out your day to me. And so you really practice
imagining and feeling into
what it would be like
to have your ideal
relationship,
money situation,
home,
parenting situation,
career,
hobbies, whatever it is you want to be doing. And you you close your eyes, you imagine it. But then you also write about it. You script. So scripting is writing
(14:37):
about something as if it has already happened. So, you know, like, as if you're writing a journal entry about you know, I love the the way
I've decorated the house. It's, you know, in the most beautiful neighborhood, and it's where I've always wanted to live. And the kids love it, and you can go on and on and on and on. Make it yours. So that's scripting.
(14:58):
And then you can do all sorts of,
other visualizing
exercises like creating a vision board.
I like to write what I call a look back letter. So it's it's scripting pretty much, and it's writing a letter to yourself
as if everything you've wanted to happen over this past year has already happened. And then I like to read it the end of the year. So, like, I would write one in January of twenty twenty three, or I should say I wrote one in January of twenty twenty three, And I will read it December 2023 as I go into the new year just to see how things have evolved based on what I wanted to evolve
(15:30):
what I wanted to evolve and what I wrote in my letter. And I do this every year, and I love it, and it's powerful.
So leaning into the things that give you hope for the future. This is the part where you're looking ahead at how you want things to be even if they're not quite that way right now. But this is a hugely helpful emotional exercise because it really gets you excited about
(15:52):
what your goals are and where you want to be in life. So I highly recommend you do some form of visualization
and scripting. And if you really wanna get heavy, get yourself into some law of attraction,
follow some Esther Hicks,
you know, YouTube,
Google. There's books.
I love it. Some Amanda Francis,
some Francesca Amber,
(16:14):
some manifestation babe.
Just just look them up. Look them up.
But yeah. So
I hugely, huge hugely recommend visualizing, scripting. Ultimately, goal setting is really what it is, but it's doing it from more of a soulful, emotional
place.
And then lastly, to circle back around to the idea of therapy, if you feel that you could really use some therapy to help yourself cope, then go for it. You might be experiencing some anxiety or depression over your breakup. You might have experienced some trauma whether in the relationship or due to the breakup.
(16:48):
So definitely seek out professional help if you feel you need it. That also leads us into the possibility of medication for, like, anxiety or depression, which is something that a psychiatrist,
or your primary care doctor could help you with. So, also, you know, be open to considering other options if you feel like it's really to an extent where you're really finding yourself struggling
and recognize
(17:09):
that something like a breakup, separation, or divorce
can result in
higher levels of anxiety or depression or even experiences of trauma. So don't discount those things and seek out professional help if you need to.
My quick go tos for finding therapists,
are psychologytoday.com
or the website for your insurance provider. They would provide you a listing. There's also Open Collective, which is a database for therapists who are offering reduced fee sessions.
(17:37):
Therapy for black girls
is a,
directory
of black therapist.
And I would say, yeah, googling therapist in your town as well is also a good way to find therapist.
Alright. That's what I have for today.
So definitely
(17:57):
make sure to give yourself time and space to feel your emotions. This is an emotional process. And to be clear, it's not that, you know, as you go along the process, as you move through the phases of survival, maintenance, and thriving, It's not to say that when you're at the thriving phase, you're never gonna have down or sad moments because
by all means, you may. You may have certain memories or certain triggers that come up that make you feel sad.
(18:21):
Understand that you're not failing or going backwards by having emotional moments,
you know, later on in your recovery process. So sometimes people will feel like, oh, I've been doing so well. I haven't cried for two weeks, and then I cried the other day, or I felt sad the other day. Yep. That's called being human.
And the road to recovery
and rebuilding is not this, you know, straight,
(18:43):
you know,
line
upwards. It's this jagged line that mimics more of a heart rate monitor. So just have realistic expectations of your own healing process and your own healing journey and recognize that you're gonna flip flop here and there, and that is totally normal and to be expected. But I hope that these things are helpful to you in your emotional rebuilding process after a breakup.
(19:11):
Hey. By the way, I can be found in other places besides this podcast.
Just search my name on YouTube, and you'll find my channel.
Subscribe for periodic how to videos for dealing with breakups and mastering dating.
That's right. I said, mastering dating. It's a skill, ladies.
I can also be found on Instagram at tracypenock.
And lastly,
(19:32):
I most encourage you to join my email list where you get breakup and dating support delivered to your inbox in addition to getting the most exclusive access to my programs and coaching services.
My email list subscribers
are the first to know when my coaching programs launch and the only people to get discounts when they're offered. As always, I'm glad we got into it and looking forward to next time.
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