May 26, 2025 • 19 mins
I hear you, I see you, I feel you, I am you if you are the default parent for your children. In this episode I discuss the challenges of being your child's primary parent while trying to date and I provide practical solutions to managing this reality.
***Please rate and review the podcast and respond to the poll and episode question (Spotify only) if you'd like to share your thoughts***
CORRECTION: In the episode I mention that I will link an episode about having tricky conversation but I indeed do not have such an episode. I believe I talk about having tricky conversations in episode 20 that is linked below...but don't quote me on this.
Ep. 20: Setting boundaries with Your Ex https://spotifycreators-web.app.link/e/Kz5j37DhvTb
FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM https://www.instagram.com/traciepinnock/
Send me an email: tracie@tphtherapy.com
Subscribe to my YouTube channel
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHVUSpAJ869rH817vCwLY3Q
In this episode, we delve into the complexities of being the default parent while navigating the dating world. The default parent is often the one who shoulders the majority of parenting responsibilities, which can be particularly challenging when trying to balance personal life and dating. We discuss the importance of boundary setting and resource identification as key strategies to manage these challenges. Whether it's having difficult conversations with a co-parent about equitable parenting responsibilities or identifying external resources like family, friends, or childcare services, these steps can help create the necessary space for personal growth and dating.
We also explore the potential of dating as a future resource, where a healthy romantic relationship can introduce a supportive partner into the family dynamic. This episode offers practical advice on how to communicate effectively with a co-parent, utilize available resources, and prepare for future opportunities as children grow. The discussion emphasizes the importance of being proactive in creating a balanced life that accommodates both parenting duties and personal aspirations, ultimately leading to fulfilling romantic relationships.
***Please rate and review the podcast and respond to the poll and episode question (Spotify only) if you'd like to share your thoughts***
CORRECTION: In the episode I mention that I will link an episode about having tricky conversation but I indeed do not have such an episode. I believe I talk about having tricky conversations in episode 20 that is linked below...but don't quote me on this.
Ep. 20: Setting boundaries with Your Ex https://spotifycreators-web.app.link/e/Kz5j37DhvTb
FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM https://www.instagram.com/traciepinnock/
Send me an email: tracie@tphtherapy.com
Subscribe to my YouTube channel
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCHVUSpAJ869rH817vCwLY3Q
In this episode, we delve into the complexities of being the default parent while navigating the dating world. The default parent is often the one who shoulders the majority of parenting responsibilities, which can be particularly challenging when trying to balance personal life and dating. We discuss the importance of boundary setting and resource identification as key strategies to manage these challenges. Whether it's having difficult conversations with a co-parent about equitable parenting responsibilities or identifying external resources like family, friends, or childcare services, these steps can help create the necessary space for personal growth and dating.
We also explore the potential of dating as a future resource, where a healthy romantic relationship can introduce a supportive partner into the family dynamic. This episode offers practical advice on how to communicate effectively with a co-parent, utilize available resources, and prepare for future opportunities as children grow. The discussion emphasizes the importance of being proactive in creating a balanced life that accommodates both parenting duties and personal aspirations, ultimately leading to fulfilling romantic relationships.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Unknown (00:00):
Okay. So I am rerecording this episode which is about being the default parent while dating.
So just a little bit about oh, the reason why I'm rerecording it it is because
the audio was lost somehow,
on my computer. Even though I was I'm looking at the audio, it says there is eighteen minutes recorded.
(00:22):
It will not play back. So I am recording it because this episode comes out next Monday. Today is Monday. I'm recording the episode for next Monday.
And so
this is about being the default parent while dating. So the default parent
tends to be the parent who either the
(00:42):
majority or the greater load of the parenting responsibility
falls on and or the parent who it is assumed expected
assumed and expected,
that they shift
their
circumstances,
life schedule to
suit the kids,
(01:02):
as the first
as the first resort,
as opposed to the other parent. So
this happens often this happens to be the mom oftentimes
in
the
average
heterosexual
relationship
where it's like, you know, mom is the one to be expected
(01:23):
to
adjust her work schedule if the kids are sick or,
maybe mom is a stay at home mom. So
that is, like, the the agreement or the understood agreement that that happens.
But
it's particularly
the case when you
are co parenting with someone after
(01:45):
a breakup, after no when, you know, when you're not with them anymore.
For a lot of moms, they are a single mom, and so they may be their ex maybe isn't involved or isn't actively involved with their child,
and or with the parenting duties. And so it really is on you as a single mom
to
(02:05):
be the only parent. So, you know, then you definitely are the default parent. So then trying to to
be the default parent and date can definitely
be challenging,
because
even dating
as a parent as a parent who has a great co parent has its challenges. Right?
Because you're oftentimes prioritizing your children and their needs,
(02:28):
you know, when it comes to all sorts of things.
So,
the reality is I just wanted to first acknowledge that
and second secondly,
offer some concrete things to help
balance that or mitigate the
impacts
of dating while being being the default parent.
(02:50):
A lot of this comes down to,
surprise, surprise,
boundary setting and
resource identification and utilization.
So what I mean here is
probably the most ideal circumstance is to have a
great co parent,
to have a situation in which you and your ex
(03:11):
have equitable
share of the parenting responsibilities
in which you feel that, that person is responsible and you can rely on them to be a good parent.
And,
therefore,
it's a fairly smooth process for you to be able to have time to yourself because they are also spending their time with your child. And so you have these built in
(03:37):
breaks or built in,
you know,
load bearing situations where they are also taking on some of that load, which then makes it easier for you to schedule things in your life such as dating.
And that's ideal. And if that is your situation, then you're definitely fortunate
for that to be the case.
(03:58):
But then there's the next step, which is to say this is where I say boundary setting comes into place,
where
maybe some of you are in positions in which it would benefit you to set some boundaries with your ex or reinforce some boundaries, which oftentimes involves
at least one conversation and oftentimes
oftentimes follow-up conversations.
(04:20):
And maybe for some as far
it it goes as far as some more formal
legal agreements around caretaking responsibilities
financially
and physically.
So what I mean here is
if your child's
other parent is alive,
is physically and mentally
(04:41):
capable
of
helping to care for them, but is not doing their equitable share. And I wanna be clear on what I mean by equitable.
Equal is what we often say. That's a fifty fifty split. But much of life is not a fifty fifty split. It's really more about equitability.
If I'm doing 30%, you're doing 70%, and that feels fair because of the circumstances in our lives. So
(05:04):
ideal so if you do not have the ideal situation where you just have a co parent who is just very intrinsically,
taking their equitable share, you may need to have conversations with your co parent about doing that.
And, obviously,
trying to the best of your ability to influence their choices around parenting, by no means
is what they do within your control, but what is within your control
(05:26):
is what you talk about, what you say to them, how you say it, things like that. So
if you don't have that ideal situation where you have this co parent who is just great as a parent and doing their equitable share, the next step might be just to identify for yourself what you would like that
co parenting relationship how you would like the co parenting relationship to look, what you feel the equitable share is for you and and,
(05:51):
your ex, And then try to have a conversation with them about it. And now I know. As soon as I say that, some people are gonna be triggered because there are people who have exes who they there's no conversation. There's no talking through things. I'm just laying out kinda
the most ideal situation down
to your best options. So in this case,
(06:13):
we're talking about you kind
of writing down for yourself, like, hey. You know,
whatever. My ex would have weekends, or we would trade off every every week. In an ideal situation,
based on the circumstances that we have, here's what would would be nice. Right? And then you ask yourself how you might best,
share this information with your ex. Is it a face to face conversation? Is it over the phone? Is it via text? Is it through email? Things like that. Do you guys have,
(06:41):
an order where you you're only talking to lawyers in the court?
Is it a parenting app that allows, you know, the emotional aspects of things to be lowered just so you can relay information? But my point is is that you can reach out to them to say, hey. Like,
I would like to talk a bit about,
doing our equitable share equitable share of the parenting piece. Also, in this episode, I will link,
(07:04):
a
I think it's a podcast episode. It might be a YouTube episode, but about having tricky conversations or sensitive conversations.
It's just a a general process that I,
have. Anytime you're gonna have a tricky conversation with anyone about anything. This doesn't just rely this doesn't,
just involve conversations with your ex. But
(07:25):
the idea is,
when we know we're gonna have a potentially triggering or sensitive conversation with someone,
it's helpful to do a couple of things to help
increase the likelihood of the conversation being successful. First
thing
is to ask yourself, what do I want this person to understand
or do
upon the conclusion of this conversation?
(07:48):
So in this case, I would like my ex to understand or ideally really to to do, to agree to
take on an equitable share of the parenting responsibilities,
you know, to be
a more reliable,
co parent. Right? That's what you want from the situation. So then once you've identified what you want from the conversation,
(08:09):
you identify you kinda work backwards to ask yourself how best to get to that conclusion. Right? So these are things where you're gonna be paying attention to what you say, how you say it,
you know,
what it is you're asking for, stuff like that. So, of course, generally speaking, you want this to be calm. You wanna be respectful.
Again, you want to think about the mode of communication you will use. Is this better is this person more responsive in person? Are they more responsive through text? Is it easier for you to have a conversation
(08:39):
via text or email than it is in person? Will you get really emotional or nervous or really angry, in person? You need to write this down first so that you keep your thoughts organized.
Do you send them a voice memo so they can hear everything you need to say without interruption, and then they can respond? Honestly, that's a good one. That's an option that I really like because
(08:59):
it helps reduce,
potential misinterpretation
through text
and but it's the kind of the next closest thing to in person besides, like, a phone call, but also
prevents
any of the interruption that can happen by that person cutting you off, or it also lowers
you,
kind of
(09:20):
having trouble relaying your message because of your emotions. It's a great way to get things off. You write it down. You have your bullet points in front of you, and you start talking. And you send them the the voice note. They can listen to it, and they can respond accordingly.
So the point is you're thinking about how you want to deliver the information. And then you're thinking about what it is you want to happen. Like I said, do you want,
your child to be able to go with them every weekend or every other weekend? Or do you guys wanna trade off every other week? Or do you want it to be like, hey. On Wednesdays, can you pick her up from school? Like, there are a bunch of options. Right? But the point is if you feel that your co parent is not doing your equitable share, right, and there can be definitely there's all sorts of reasons why that may be the case. Right? You're thinking about that person's circumstances as well as yours. But even if their circumstances are tricky, they are your child's parent. And so it is fair for you to share with them what would be ideal, not just for you, but for your child. Do you feel like they're not spending enough time with your child? Like, things like that. Right? So my point here is if you are able to have a conversation like this that is successful, you may get in place.
(10:22):
You may find yourself to have
more resources now around helping to carry that parenting load and
for our purposes today,
to help you make time, space, and energy
to be able to date in a more
structured, formalized, consistent way. So that's that's kind of option two, having a boundary setting. And this is setting boundaries in terms of, you know, it's it's ultimately showing your co parent or explaining to them what
(10:49):
you are prepared to allow, not allow, or what you feel is,
you know, acceptable. Like, hey. You
shouldn't expect for me to be the only person taking care of our child physically.
You know, maybe you are financially contributing, but is you know, that's not the only part,
of raising a child,
or maybe you're not even contributing financially. But the point is, again, looking at all aspects of parenting and asking yourself, does it does this feel equitable? And if it does not, let's have a conversation about how it can be.
(11:19):
But there's also and and also having that conversation is also a way of you, again,
identifying and utilizing a resource that you have. So to get into the resource piece a bit more, maybe your child's co parent is not available. Maybe they are no longer living. Maybe they're incarcerated. Maybe they're off in another country. Maybe they are mentally or physically not well or capable. Maybe they just have no interest. Whatever the reasons,
(11:43):
you don't have that co you don't even really have the option of bringing them into the co parenting situation in any real way.
And so
you are left to identify,
gather, and utilize resources. Resources are anything that helps support you. That could be financial resources, physical resources, other people, different services, things like that. But the key is you want to be identifying those resources that you have available.
(12:07):
Right? Asking yourself, am I utilizing them? Meaning, am I using them in a helpful way to me? But also identifying resources that you may not have, but that you would like to have and identifying ways that you might be able to bring those into your life. So starting with some of the natural resources that we might have, that might be family or friends, people who are capable of babysitting or watching our children or providing mentorship
(12:28):
or advice or guidance to us or our kids, but people who are in your life currently who help who can help support
you, your children, or fulfill you or your children. But are they, you know, people who you can ask, hey. On a Friday night, can you watch, you know, my child so that I can go out on a date or so that I can go get, you know, my different, you know, services done to be prepared for a date, my hair, my nails, things like that. Do you have those people in your life?
(12:54):
Are you
engaging with them and utilizing them as resources?
Are there conversations that you need to have with any of them to help that be possible?
Are there arrangements and agreements that would be beneficial for you to set up with them to make it an equitable reciprocal,
relationship for you and that person when it comes to them helping you out and maybe you helping them out. But there's also the resources that maybe are paid. You know, a nanny, even if it's if if it's part time, a babysitter,
(13:23):
different day care services or, extracurricular
activities,
that your child can do that allow you time and space to get certain things done.
One resource that I really like is the Bambino app, which is where you can get as needed child care, and I've used it often. And oftentimes, I I try out a new babysitter, and they become a more consistent ongoing babysitter for me.
(13:47):
I really, really love that app. It's a great way to help bring that resource in in an as an you know, in an on as needed,
on and as needed basis.
And so
these are things to consider. There's also the idea of forming friendships and relationships that don't currently exist in your life, but that you would like to exist. So maybe it's building new friendships for yourself.
(14:09):
The Peanut app is an app for moms,
to meet. I've had a number of clients use that.
There's the Meetup app, which is great in the past, probably when Meetup first became a thing. So many years ago, I used it and really loved it, and I was able to make connections with other people.
But the Meetups are a great way to meet people because even though they're strangers, the whole idea is that you're meeting up to do some sort of,
(14:33):
task that you're, you know, a shared task. I don't know. It could be tennis.
It could be tennis for beginners. It could be hiking. It can be bowling. It can be sightseeing. Whatever.
Go to the,
meetup.meetup.com
or the Meetup app and check them out because they can be a very great resource for people to meet other people.
(14:55):
And,
actually, I think I mentioned the Meetup app,
in the episode that's out today about filling your social buckets.
So, I may also link that episode here.
But the idea is if you've identified there are certain relationships in your life that you would like to have but don't have, then you can be intentional about doing things to build those. There's bumble bumble b f f is another option as well.
(15:21):
The idea, though, is building that community, building that social network, building that resource network for yourself.
You know, there's also just the things around, like, okay. Maybe I need more income, more money in order to afford some of these paid services like childcare and things like that.
Do I have career educational options that could help me increase that? What I'm saying is you really are doing kind of a life audit,
(15:48):
or an audit of your circumstances
to ask yourself
if you have in place the resources you need in order to make the time and space for yourself that you need in various areas,
In this case, dating.
Being able to,
put in the time that it takes to do things that prepare you for dates as well as the time to actually go on the dates and being able to have some consistent dating so that you increase your chances of forming,
(16:15):
you know, good romantic relationships and things like that. But when you're the default parent,
this takes up a lot of your time and energy. Hey. I gotta get my kids to and from school. I gotta pick up a sick kid. I have to get them to doctor's appointments. I have nobody to watch them, so I have to be the one here watching them. So this does not free me up for dates. I know it's a challenge. That's what I'm saying. I hear you. I see you. And I'm just offering some very concrete things to consider.
(16:42):
And, also, these things shift over time as your child grows. Right? The older they get, there's more, flexibility and leeway in some of these things. So also keep in mind the fact that how it looks today doesn't have to be how it looks
down the road. But it is helpful for you to be preparing for that. So maybe you're in a stage right now with really young kids where it's like a lot of these things really aren't that possible, but understand that they can be very possible
(17:06):
in a year or two.
How are you preparing for that? Right? These are things you want to keep in mind. So this was just a little bit about how to navigate being the default parent when you are
not in a relationship with someone. Oh, another big future fact that I want you to keep in mind is
dating
(17:27):
right now also
can be
a future resource. If you enter
a serious relationship with a person who is good for you and your children,
then you end up bringing another parental figure into your children's lives. Right? So a step parent or potential step parent who then also becomes a resource. Right? And you get that resource by dating
(17:49):
and establishing a healthy
romantic relationship with someone. So also being future oriented, some of these struggles and challenges that you might currently be having as being a single parent, the default parent, having a co parent who doesn't or isn't able to do the equitable share,
that also helps get resolved by you entering
a healthy serious relationship
(18:12):
that provides another another resource for you and your kids. So this is also something to keep in mind. I talk with with women about this idea of
the fact that this dating
thing,
which oftentimes
people don't necessarily take seriously,
can have very serious
outcomes
(18:32):
on the positive side, positive consequences
of you entering fulfilling relationships that also end up being a a,
becoming a a serious resource for you and your kids. So these are all things to keep in mind. So as I said, I see you, I hear you, I feel you when you are default parent, single parent, a parent who's carrying more of the load,
(18:54):
than you may want to. And these are just some concrete things to consider
as part of helping to lighten that load and provide you space and opportunity
to date consistently
and build,
successful romantic relationships.
Okay. So I am rerecording this episode which is about being the default parent while dating.
So just a little bit about oh, the reason why I'm rerecording it it is because
the audio was lost somehow,
on my computer. Even though I was I'm looking at the audio, it says there is eighteen minutes recorded.
(00:22):
It will not play back. So I am recording it because this episode comes out next Monday. Today is Monday. I'm recording the episode for next Monday.
And so
this is about being the default parent while dating. So the default parent
tends to be the parent who either the
(00:42):
majority or the greater load of the parenting responsibility
falls on and or the parent who it is assumed expected
assumed and expected,
that they shift
their
circumstances,
life schedule to
suit the kids,
(01:02):
as the first
as the first resort,
as opposed to the other parent. So
this happens often this happens to be the mom oftentimes
in
the
average
heterosexual
relationship
where it's like, you know, mom is the one to be expected
(01:23):
to
adjust her work schedule if the kids are sick or,
maybe mom is a stay at home mom. So
that is, like, the the agreement or the understood agreement that that happens.
But
it's particularly
the case when you
are co parenting with someone after
(01:45):
a breakup, after no when, you know, when you're not with them anymore.
For a lot of moms, they are a single mom, and so they may be their ex maybe isn't involved or isn't actively involved with their child,
and or with the parenting duties. And so it really is on you as a single mom
to
(02:05):
be the only parent. So, you know, then you definitely are the default parent. So then trying to to
be the default parent and date can definitely
be challenging,
because
even dating
as a parent as a parent who has a great co parent has its challenges. Right?
Because you're oftentimes prioritizing your children and their needs,
(02:28):
you know, when it comes to all sorts of things.
So,
the reality is I just wanted to first acknowledge that
and second secondly,
offer some concrete things to help
balance that or mitigate the
impacts
of dating while being being the default parent.
(02:50):
A lot of this comes down to,
surprise, surprise,
boundary setting and
resource identification and utilization.
So what I mean here is
probably the most ideal circumstance is to have a
great co parent,
to have a situation in which you and your ex
(03:11):
have equitable
share of the parenting responsibilities
in which you feel that, that person is responsible and you can rely on them to be a good parent.
And,
therefore,
it's a fairly smooth process for you to be able to have time to yourself because they are also spending their time with your child. And so you have these built in
(03:37):
breaks or built in,
you know,
load bearing situations where they are also taking on some of that load, which then makes it easier for you to schedule things in your life such as dating.
And that's ideal. And if that is your situation, then you're definitely fortunate
for that to be the case.
(03:58):
But then there's the next step, which is to say this is where I say boundary setting comes into place,
where
maybe some of you are in positions in which it would benefit you to set some boundaries with your ex or reinforce some boundaries, which oftentimes involves
at least one conversation and oftentimes
oftentimes follow-up conversations.
(04:20):
And maybe for some as far
it it goes as far as some more formal
legal agreements around caretaking responsibilities
financially
and physically.
So what I mean here is
if your child's
other parent is alive,
is physically and mentally
(04:41):
capable
of
helping to care for them, but is not doing their equitable share. And I wanna be clear on what I mean by equitable.
Equal is what we often say. That's a fifty fifty split. But much of life is not a fifty fifty split. It's really more about equitability.
If I'm doing 30%, you're doing 70%, and that feels fair because of the circumstances in our lives. So
(05:04):
ideal so if you do not have the ideal situation where you just have a co parent who is just very intrinsically,
taking their equitable share, you may need to have conversations with your co parent about doing that.
And, obviously,
trying to the best of your ability to influence their choices around parenting, by no means
is what they do within your control, but what is within your control
(05:26):
is what you talk about, what you say to them, how you say it, things like that. So
if you don't have that ideal situation where you have this co parent who is just great as a parent and doing their equitable share, the next step might be just to identify for yourself what you would like that
co parenting relationship how you would like the co parenting relationship to look, what you feel the equitable share is for you and and,
(05:51):
your ex, And then try to have a conversation with them about it. And now I know. As soon as I say that, some people are gonna be triggered because there are people who have exes who they there's no conversation. There's no talking through things. I'm just laying out kinda
the most ideal situation down
to your best options. So in this case,
(06:13):
we're talking about you kind
of writing down for yourself, like, hey. You know,
whatever. My ex would have weekends, or we would trade off every every week. In an ideal situation,
based on the circumstances that we have, here's what would would be nice. Right? And then you ask yourself how you might best,
share this information with your ex. Is it a face to face conversation? Is it over the phone? Is it via text? Is it through email? Things like that. Do you guys have,
(06:41):
an order where you you're only talking to lawyers in the court?
Is it a parenting app that allows, you know, the emotional aspects of things to be lowered just so you can relay information? But my point is is that you can reach out to them to say, hey. Like,
I would like to talk a bit about,
doing our equitable share equitable share of the parenting piece. Also, in this episode, I will link,
(07:04):
a
I think it's a podcast episode. It might be a YouTube episode, but about having tricky conversations or sensitive conversations.
It's just a a general process that I,
have. Anytime you're gonna have a tricky conversation with anyone about anything. This doesn't just rely this doesn't,
just involve conversations with your ex. But
(07:25):
the idea is,
when we know we're gonna have a potentially triggering or sensitive conversation with someone,
it's helpful to do a couple of things to help
increase the likelihood of the conversation being successful. First
thing
is to ask yourself, what do I want this person to understand
or do
upon the conclusion of this conversation?
(07:48):
So in this case, I would like my ex to understand or ideally really to to do, to agree to
take on an equitable share of the parenting responsibilities,
you know, to be
a more reliable,
co parent. Right? That's what you want from the situation. So then once you've identified what you want from the conversation,
(08:09):
you identify you kinda work backwards to ask yourself how best to get to that conclusion. Right? So these are things where you're gonna be paying attention to what you say, how you say it,
you know,
what it is you're asking for, stuff like that. So, of course, generally speaking, you want this to be calm. You wanna be respectful.
Again, you want to think about the mode of communication you will use. Is this better is this person more responsive in person? Are they more responsive through text? Is it easier for you to have a conversation
(08:39):
via text or email than it is in person? Will you get really emotional or nervous or really angry, in person? You need to write this down first so that you keep your thoughts organized.
Do you send them a voice memo so they can hear everything you need to say without interruption, and then they can respond? Honestly, that's a good one. That's an option that I really like because
(08:59):
it helps reduce,
potential misinterpretation
through text
and but it's the kind of the next closest thing to in person besides, like, a phone call, but also
prevents
any of the interruption that can happen by that person cutting you off, or it also lowers
you,
kind of
(09:20):
having trouble relaying your message because of your emotions. It's a great way to get things off. You write it down. You have your bullet points in front of you, and you start talking. And you send them the the voice note. They can listen to it, and they can respond accordingly.
So the point is you're thinking about how you want to deliver the information. And then you're thinking about what it is you want to happen. Like I said, do you want,
your child to be able to go with them every weekend or every other weekend? Or do you guys wanna trade off every other week? Or do you want it to be like, hey. On Wednesdays, can you pick her up from school? Like, there are a bunch of options. Right? But the point is if you feel that your co parent is not doing your equitable share, right, and there can be definitely there's all sorts of reasons why that may be the case. Right? You're thinking about that person's circumstances as well as yours. But even if their circumstances are tricky, they are your child's parent. And so it is fair for you to share with them what would be ideal, not just for you, but for your child. Do you feel like they're not spending enough time with your child? Like, things like that. Right? So my point here is if you are able to have a conversation like this that is successful, you may get in place.
(10:22):
You may find yourself to have
more resources now around helping to carry that parenting load and
for our purposes today,
to help you make time, space, and energy
to be able to date in a more
structured, formalized, consistent way. So that's that's kind of option two, having a boundary setting. And this is setting boundaries in terms of, you know, it's it's ultimately showing your co parent or explaining to them what
(10:49):
you are prepared to allow, not allow, or what you feel is,
you know, acceptable. Like, hey. You
shouldn't expect for me to be the only person taking care of our child physically.
You know, maybe you are financially contributing, but is you know, that's not the only part,
of raising a child,
or maybe you're not even contributing financially. But the point is, again, looking at all aspects of parenting and asking yourself, does it does this feel equitable? And if it does not, let's have a conversation about how it can be.
(11:19):
But there's also and and also having that conversation is also a way of you, again,
identifying and utilizing a resource that you have. So to get into the resource piece a bit more, maybe your child's co parent is not available. Maybe they are no longer living. Maybe they're incarcerated. Maybe they're off in another country. Maybe they are mentally or physically not well or capable. Maybe they just have no interest. Whatever the reasons,
(11:43):
you don't have that co you don't even really have the option of bringing them into the co parenting situation in any real way.
And so
you are left to identify,
gather, and utilize resources. Resources are anything that helps support you. That could be financial resources, physical resources, other people, different services, things like that. But the key is you want to be identifying those resources that you have available.
(12:07):
Right? Asking yourself, am I utilizing them? Meaning, am I using them in a helpful way to me? But also identifying resources that you may not have, but that you would like to have and identifying ways that you might be able to bring those into your life. So starting with some of the natural resources that we might have, that might be family or friends, people who are capable of babysitting or watching our children or providing mentorship
(12:28):
or advice or guidance to us or our kids, but people who are in your life currently who help who can help support
you, your children, or fulfill you or your children. But are they, you know, people who you can ask, hey. On a Friday night, can you watch, you know, my child so that I can go out on a date or so that I can go get, you know, my different, you know, services done to be prepared for a date, my hair, my nails, things like that. Do you have those people in your life?
(12:54):
Are you
engaging with them and utilizing them as resources?
Are there conversations that you need to have with any of them to help that be possible?
Are there arrangements and agreements that would be beneficial for you to set up with them to make it an equitable reciprocal,
relationship for you and that person when it comes to them helping you out and maybe you helping them out. But there's also the resources that maybe are paid. You know, a nanny, even if it's if if it's part time, a babysitter,
(13:23):
different day care services or, extracurricular
activities,
that your child can do that allow you time and space to get certain things done.
One resource that I really like is the Bambino app, which is where you can get as needed child care, and I've used it often. And oftentimes, I I try out a new babysitter, and they become a more consistent ongoing babysitter for me.
(13:47):
I really, really love that app. It's a great way to help bring that resource in in an as an you know, in an on as needed,
on and as needed basis.
And so
these are things to consider. There's also the idea of forming friendships and relationships that don't currently exist in your life, but that you would like to exist. So maybe it's building new friendships for yourself.
(14:09):
The Peanut app is an app for moms,
to meet. I've had a number of clients use that.
There's the Meetup app, which is great in the past, probably when Meetup first became a thing. So many years ago, I used it and really loved it, and I was able to make connections with other people.
But the Meetups are a great way to meet people because even though they're strangers, the whole idea is that you're meeting up to do some sort of,
(14:33):
task that you're, you know, a shared task. I don't know. It could be tennis.
It could be tennis for beginners. It could be hiking. It can be bowling. It can be sightseeing. Whatever.
Go to the,
meetup.meetup.com
or the Meetup app and check them out because they can be a very great resource for people to meet other people.
(14:55):
And,
actually, I think I mentioned the Meetup app,
in the episode that's out today about filling your social buckets.
So, I may also link that episode here.
But the idea is if you've identified there are certain relationships in your life that you would like to have but don't have, then you can be intentional about doing things to build those. There's bumble bumble b f f is another option as well.
(15:21):
The idea, though, is building that community, building that social network, building that resource network for yourself.
You know, there's also just the things around, like, okay. Maybe I need more income, more money in order to afford some of these paid services like childcare and things like that.
Do I have career educational options that could help me increase that? What I'm saying is you really are doing kind of a life audit,
(15:48):
or an audit of your circumstances
to ask yourself
if you have in place the resources you need in order to make the time and space for yourself that you need in various areas,
In this case, dating.
Being able to,
put in the time that it takes to do things that prepare you for dates as well as the time to actually go on the dates and being able to have some consistent dating so that you increase your chances of forming,
(16:15):
you know, good romantic relationships and things like that. But when you're the default parent,
this takes up a lot of your time and energy. Hey. I gotta get my kids to and from school. I gotta pick up a sick kid. I have to get them to doctor's appointments. I have nobody to watch them, so I have to be the one here watching them. So this does not free me up for dates. I know it's a challenge. That's what I'm saying. I hear you. I see you. And I'm just offering some very concrete things to consider.
(16:42):
And, also, these things shift over time as your child grows. Right? The older they get, there's more, flexibility and leeway in some of these things. So also keep in mind the fact that how it looks today doesn't have to be how it looks
down the road. But it is helpful for you to be preparing for that. So maybe you're in a stage right now with really young kids where it's like a lot of these things really aren't that possible, but understand that they can be very possible
(17:06):
in a year or two.
How are you preparing for that? Right? These are things you want to keep in mind. So this was just a little bit about how to navigate being the default parent when you are
not in a relationship with someone. Oh, another big future fact that I want you to keep in mind is
dating
(17:27):
right now also
can be
a future resource. If you enter
a serious relationship with a person who is good for you and your children,
then you end up bringing another parental figure into your children's lives. Right? So a step parent or potential step parent who then also becomes a resource. Right? And you get that resource by dating
(17:49):
and establishing a healthy
romantic relationship with someone. So also being future oriented, some of these struggles and challenges that you might currently be having as being a single parent, the default parent, having a co parent who doesn't or isn't able to do the equitable share,
that also helps get resolved by you entering
a healthy serious relationship
(18:12):
that provides another another resource for you and your kids. So this is also something to keep in mind. I talk with with women about this idea of
the fact that this dating
thing,
which oftentimes
people don't necessarily take seriously,
can have very serious
outcomes
(18:32):
on the positive side, positive consequences
of you entering fulfilling relationships that also end up being a a,
becoming a a serious resource for you and your kids. So these are all things to keep in mind. So as I said, I see you, I hear you, I feel you when you are default parent, single parent, a parent who's carrying more of the load,
(18:54):
than you may want to. And these are just some concrete things to consider
as part of helping to lighten that load and provide you space and opportunity
to date consistently
and build,
successful romantic relationships.
Popular Podcasts
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.