June 23, 2025 • 22 mins
In this episode I delve into the five tenets of dating better, a topic that recently resonated with my audience on social media. These tenets are designed to help you have a more effective, efficient, and enjoyable dating experience. I share some personal anecdotes, including the story of my fiancé, Josh, whom I affectionately call my "all seasons man," and discuss the possibility of having him as a guest on the podcast. I also share about a new visual component that will be available on my YouTube channel...soonish.
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Episode Transcript
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Unknown (00:02):
Hello there.
Welcome to the Better to Better podcast, and welcome to
a brand new thing that I'm trying, which is having a visual component to the podcast,
which
will be on YouTube. My YouTube channel, Tracie Pinnock.
Actually, no. My YouTube channel, coach Tracy. We're doing some branding
(00:27):
changes.
And,
eventually, you will be able to find me on all of the social medias
or most of them under coach Tracy. It's currently Tracy Penock on Instagram,
TikTok, and threads, but it will be coach Tracy on all those places
as well as YouTube.
(00:48):
So
this episode is about the five tenets for dating better.
I posted I recently posted a reel
about this,
almost a week ago maybe. And,
yeah, I think it got some pretty good responses because it was just quick five,
(01:09):
you know,
very concrete direct things to do to help you date better.
And, that's what we're gonna get into today. But a couple of side notes, I'm outside of my backyard recording.
I am going to record
anywhere between my my office that I call the shimmer shack and,
my backyard
will probably be the two primary places where I record or at least my backyard while the weather is nice enough to do that.
(01:36):
And we're gonna see how this goes. We're gonna see how the sound quality turns out.
I have my all seasons man, aka my fiancee, Josh, doing all the tech stuff, and he's found all these different things to help with the sound quality and all of this and to help automate a lot of things.
I just realized that I'm looking down to the left because that is where my face is showing up. But I'm gonna move this up here to the top because that's awkward. Hello. Hi.
(02:03):
So, yeah, these are just some things that are happening.
Speaking of all seasons, man, I'm curious,
what people think about me having a conversation with Josh on the Josh on the podcast,
because I started this podcast while I was dating
and, therefore, before I ever met Josh. And,
(02:24):
now we're engaged to be married next year. So,
you know,
we an All Seasons Man comes from a podcast episode that I did at some point in the past on the podcast in which I asked about where I can find an all seasons man and that came from the fact that I, you know, was living alone and
really had to, like,
(02:45):
build up my courage,
around
capturing
catching mice and and disposing of them and killing bugs and things like that. And I, one day had this thought. I was like, you know,
this is this was when I was in my Whoopi Goldberg phase, which is to say,
Whoopi Goldberg has been asked, like, why she's been divorced so many times. And she said, because I don't want anybody in my house. And I felt that the very first time I saw or read that and felt very much that way around
(03:17):
my my, like, romantic life, which is to say, I knew that I wanted to,
end up with a wonderful partner, but I also realized I'd reach a point in my life in which,
I was
not,
desperate to or excited to have another person living in my house. I already have my kids living in my house, but I really I do enjoy my space and they the reality that when you have other people, children, adults, whoever living in the same space,
(03:46):
your space
gets altered and shifted in different ways. So I had this concept I had this idea that, like, I was like, even though I'm looking to,
end up in a committed relationship, I also fully recognize that it would take some adjust some adjusting to go back to living with,
another adult. And so I was like, yeah. I don't want nobody in my house. Anyway, I say that to say, I also
(04:08):
started getting very real about, like,
what did I need and want a man for in my life. And, like, I, you know, came up with a short list around, like, this is what I need him for and
a a bit of a longer list for this is what I want him for. But one of the things was killing bugs and getting rid of mice. And so
(04:28):
the the seasons part came up with, I I think I could be wrong. I'd have to listen up to the podcast again, but
I believe this was probably around when the weather was getting
colder.
And what happens is, like, inevitably, every year as it was starting to go into winter, I'd find a mice or two in my place because they're running from outside to inside. And so it was just the thing that I had to do just for a short period of time. There were, you know, a couple of mice that I had to get rid of. And I was like, you know, I need I need a man in this season to do these things, but it would be great to have an all seasons man. A man who was able to be around for all the seasons to do all the things that are needed. You know, moving the heavy stuff when, I don't know, I wanna do spring cleaning or something like that. Anyway, it's just a thing that came to me. And now Josh and I, like, rep because he's listened to past podcast episodes. He heard that episode.
(05:20):
He joked that he's my all season man and it's true. It's not a joke. He is my all season man. Anyway,
that was a very long way of,
stating that Josh and I just had a conversation about him potentially,
just being a guest on the podcast because I am also ramping up on, having guests and what I like to say conversations
(05:41):
with guests. And it can be
people it can be guests from a professional standpoint as well as a personal standpoint. So Josh would be a guest from a personal standpoint of being my fiance,
my former dating partner, my current relationship partner.
I have thoughts of having conversations with a couple of friends about dating, dating as a mom,
(06:04):
dating past,
also some professional conversations. I have friends in different professions. So I'm having I'm thinking about all these different things,
and some upcoming conversations. So
I think we'll have a conversation with Josh, my all season man. Anyway,
let's get back on track.
Today, the five tenets of dating better or the five tenets for dating better. In order to date better, in order to have a more effective, efficient, and enjoyable dating experience, there are five things you should do. So I will be consulting my notes here today in order to,
(06:37):
ensure that I don't miss anything.
But let's get right into it. Number one,
know what you want and don't want.
Take time to actually think about
what
has and has not served you in the past in your romantic life. Past relationships, past interactions,
past flirtations,
situationships,
friends with benefits,
(06:59):
all of that stuff. What has has made you feel good? What has not made you feel good? What has helped you? What has harmed you? What are things about past romantic
relationships or situations
that you what are things about those past experiences that you want to keep and and continue to have in the future? What is it about those past situations
(07:19):
or relationships or experiences that you want to leave in the past?
Get very clear about that and say these things out loud to yourself because
these become your standards.
This becomes your bar. When you identify this has been good for me or this is what I want or think I want and here's what I don't want or don't think I want
(07:40):
recording outside, so forgive any noise pollution.
But but hopefully, this what the programs we're using will really help to clear a lot of that out. So you might be wondering what I'm talking about because maybe you can't hear it. Anyway,
but what I identifying what you want
and and think you want and what you don't want and think you don't want,
(08:00):
those things help set your standard.
Because then when you go on to date and meet guys,
right, you are aware of what you can tolerate, want to tolerate,
will tolerate,
can or want to compromise on, don't want to compromise on, you will know. Because here's what I have identified, makes me feel good and doesn't make me feel good, serves me and does not serve me. So that's number one. Know what you do and don't want. Number two, it's kind of an extension of number one, which is,
(08:29):
identify your ideal partner.
And I highly recommend you do this by creating an ideal partner list. If you've listened to the podcast,
I talk about this all the time.
I suggest you do not do this or you do not go on any dates before you do this.
You want to write down
all the qualities, traits, circumstances
that your ideal partner would possess.
(08:51):
So this means everything from
really basic things that people forget to write down because they're like, oh, it's so obvious. But I always say, well, when these things are missing in a relationship, you really feel the impact, which is someone who's kind and respectful,
loving, caring. Those are things that most people most people would agree they very much want in a relationship. Write them down. Right? All the way to physical characteristics if you have any particular preferences. If you don't have any particular preferences, they don't need to go down on the list. So if you're very open
(09:20):
to any to whatever,
then that doesn't need to go down. What you're writing down are your preferences. Your preferences around personality traits, how that person behaves,
physical characteristics, do they have kids or not have kids, do they want kids, do they want to be married, their career, job, money, if you have any preferences on these things. Right? You're writing them down. My list was 76 items long,
(09:42):
when I, met Josh,
and,
he checked every item or there were certain items that I initially gave him the benefit of the doubt for because I didn't I couldn't know the answer to that just yet. And that happens all the time. So a lot of those items that I gave him the benefit of the doubt on were things around interactions with my kids because he didn't immediately meet my kids. I didn't immediately meet his. Like, we wanted to be thoughtful about that. So I just, you know, assumed, hey. He's gonna be a good guy, a cool guy, all of that. And I will I I will find out, right, when I'm at the point in which I feel comfortable,
(10:15):
doing that.
So,
but yeah. So then yeah. Then he checked off the things. He checked off all the things. I wanna be clear. Someone doesn't have to check off every single item in order for you to decide that they are a good relationship partner.
Right?
They just need to check off enough of them,
and
they ideally need to check off all your deal breakers. So let's get into that. Every item that you put on this list is a preference that you have for your ideal partner. But some of these items are going to be the deal breaker items,
(10:47):
which are the items that you cannot picture yourself being
happily
happy or happily in a relationship without.
So let's and so I call them high value items.
And what a high value item is for any given person is really subjective. But as an example,
a decision to have kids or not have kids tends to be a high value item for most people, which is to say, if you know you do not wanna have kids, that's important to you. Or if you know you do want to have kids, that is important to you. So if you meet someone who's checking off so many of your preferences, right, but you know you really wanna have kids, maybe you wanna have three, four kids, right, and they do not want to have kids,
(11:26):
it's probably a deal breaker item for you. Right? And it's one of those things that even if they check off a whole bunch of other things on this list, you probably don't can't see yourself being happy in that relationship ultimately
if you can't have the kids that you want to have. Right? And they likely will not be happy in that relationship ultimately if they've decided they absolutely do not want kids and then they end up having kids. That's so I always say, you know,
(11:48):
you don't compromise on your deal breakers because compromising on deal breakers
breeds resentment,
and we know that resentment are killers of relationship.
Resentment kills relationships.
So
sorry. I'm looking off to the side because I'm getting notifications and stuff on my computer. So I hope this is still recording.
We'll see.
And so
(12:09):
that's how you wanna think about the ideal partner list and
and checking off items.
Also, this is a document that you should review frequently and update as needed. Meaning, as you are meeting guys and dating guys, you wanna be, like, scoring them pretty much on the sheet. And you wanna be adding things to the sheet that you realize you hadn't had on there before. And a lot a really good way to do that is going on dates, having certain experiences that you don't like and say, oh, what's the opposite of that thing? I didn't like that he did this. I realized that's something that's a problem for me, so what's the opposite of that? Because I wanna put that on my list. Right? You can also take things off the list. You can have things that you're like, oh, that was I thought that was a preference, but really, it's not. Or I thought it was a deal breaker item,
(12:52):
and it's still a preference, but it's not necessarily deal breaker. So I would, you know, I would I will,
unmarket as a deal breaker.
So that's number two. Create your ideal partner list.
I'm gonna make sure I covered everything on that.
Mhmm. Yes. So number three is date casually before dating exclusively. Date casually before dating exclusively.
(13:14):
Date like a man if you wanna say, have a roster if you wanna say. But a roster doesn't it doesn't have to mean five, ten, 15 people. It could mean two or three.
What it really is is being open to dating more than one person at a time. I am not saying, hear me clearly,
carry on committed relationships with multiple people at one time unless polyamory is something that you are aiming for. But my audience generally are women who are looking to be in a monogamous committed relationship. So if that is you, then I'm not saying you are in committed relationship with multiple people. I'm saying that you are dating and this is where we need to have this conversation because way too many of us are out here
(13:54):
conflating dating with being in a relationship, not the same. Dating is how you get to the relationship or dating is how you should get to the relationship. But we don't date enough. We don't date enough. Mm-mm. What we do is fall into or slide into committed relationships and we once we get to a point where we realize there are certain things that we really can't live within a relationship or don't want to live with, we're already so tied in emotionally, financially,
(14:15):
practically. You have kids, you live in together, you're you're married, your family and friends know you as a couple, all of the things that happen. You fight have financial ties, etcetera, etcetera.
Then that's a harder thing to get out of. Right? So what you want to do is be dating a person, aka romantically interviewing them, to see if they're a good fit as a life partner for you. Therefore, the best way to do that, the most efficient way to do that, and really the most,
(14:41):
if you wanna say secure way to do that is to go on dates with different people while you're getting to know all of those people. And then the big key factor is you have to vet people out, but we'll get to that one. We'll get to that one.
So you go on a date with Tom
and,
it's okay to go on a date with Bob.
(15:02):
Okay.
The same day, the next day, whatever. Because at that point, these are strangers to you or even if it's somebody you've known from the past or a friend of a friend, you do not have you don't owe them monogamy or commitment
because they chosen to take you out on a date.
I don't know if some of y'all know that because I don't think some of y'all know that, but you don't. And someone who's treating you that way, you might want a second
(15:28):
guess or or think twice about dating them. That's a choice. That's a choice. That's a choice. Right?
Because I would say on my ideal partner list, I want someone who's confident,
not insecure
about, oh my gosh, she might gonna do it with somebody else or I want someone who's not possessive.
Just things to think about, but your list is your list.
(15:48):
And so with that,
you
can you should go on dates with different people, getting to know these different people, how you interact with them, how they interact with you, what your chemistry is like, how they act in public, how they treat other people, how how you guys' conversation is, like, what your lifestyle is like, all that stuff. You're you're you're learning that on dates. You're learning as you date people. You should be learning that before you decided to commit to someone. There are plenty of things to be clear that you'll continue to find out and learn about a person after you've committed to them. That's life. But there's a whole lot of stuff that you can and should find out and understand before you commit to them. And dating is how you do that. So you should be out dating multiple people. Right?
(16:35):
Point number four is be selective about who you give your time and energy to. So this is what I mean about vetting. So as you're dating Tom and Bob and
Daquan,
okay,
you're deciding
who you want to continue to give your time and energy to. So you might realize that, Tom,
you and Tom aren't vibing very well,
(16:57):
whatever. You have very different philosophies on life or you know you want kids and and he doesn't or you,
you,
have kids.
He has kids and I don't know. He's not a great father, whatever. And that's important to you if that's on your ideal partner list. Right? Whatever you're learning about the person,
you might realize,
not worth continuing to give my time and energy here because
(17:20):
this ultimately does not look like a good partner fit for me based on the
fit for me based on the things that
are on my ideal partner list and what he's not checking off. And I wanna be clear. Vetting someone out, deciding not to continue dating them is not on automatically saying they're a bad person or they're not worth,
they're they're they're worthless as a person or anything like
like that. It's not putting any judgments in that way. It is saying for me,
(17:42):
I'm not a good they're not a good fit. And maybe probably then for them, you are not a good fit. Right? So
you vet them out and you say, you know, thank you. I've enjoyed my time.
We're we're not aligned on x, y, and z. Or maybe they flat out or an asshole, so you're like,
to the left, bye. Whatever. But now you vetted them out. You are dating
(18:03):
Bob and Daquan. I think these are the guys names that I said.
Hopefully, you're following me. My point is, so it's not that you're accumulating all these guys that you have to, like, juggle, but it is that you also
weren't wasting your time just focusing on dating
Tom. Yeah. That's who we betted out. Only to find that it wasn't the right fit, and now you're starting
(18:26):
over again
with finding of someone else to date and maybe having missed out on potential great people to date because you were only dating Tom from the beginning. You got exclusive
right from the beginning. Bad idea. Bad idea.
But speaking of exclusive, point number five,
right, or let's let's recap. So we just got off of point number four, which is be selective of who you gave your time and energy to. That means you're vetting people out. You're not just you're not just spending all your time, going on and on and on dating a person who's not right for you because you've noticed that they don't check off enough things on your ideal partner list, but you're gonna keep giving your them your time and you're gonna only focus on them until that fizzles out. Don't do that. But number five is have the exclusivity
(19:07):
conversation
if you realize there is somebody you want to date exclusively. So you've been dating Tom and Bob and Daquan
and,
you vetted out Tom
and Bob and Daquan are pretty cool, but you start to realize you're really, you know, enjoying Daycon's company and he's a great guy and checking off this, this, this, and this. And you're like, you know what? I would like to be able to focus
(19:30):
fully on getting to know this person.
So
I need to let them know that I'm interested in
or considering
exclusively dating them. And the reason why you need to have this conversation, because I know so many of us don't want to,
is
for clarification.
You want to be clear on the fact that
(19:51):
you're of letting that person know what you're thinking. You wanna get his thoughts. Like, where is he feeling like? Is he anywhere on the same page with you about this? Is he completely on a different page? Like, I was never trying to date exclusively or
or hey. No. I wanna get married tomorrow. So if you're not ready to just commit to me right this second, then forget it. Whatever.
Right? And you guys want to define what exclusivity
(20:12):
looks like what what ex what exclusivity is
to the both of you and what it looks like. K? So okay. Yeah. I I also wanna just focus on dating you. So that means going on dates just with that person. Talking to just with that person. Right? For most people, it looks like we're monogamous. If we are sleeping together, we're only sleeping sleeping with each other. We are only going on dates with each other. We're not flirting and getting contact information for other people. All of that. Right? But you wanna clarify that because a number of times,
(20:40):
people are,
have different ideas on what this looks like is startling.
K? And then we start getting into the I didn't cheat, which is why I don't even use the c word of cheating. I use a b word of betrayal. Did you do something that made somebody feel betrayed? That doesn't have to be actually having sex with somebody else. That might be taking somebody's number, whatever. We all know. We're all adults here. Come on. So with that,
(21:01):
we'll have that conversation so that it's clear. It's like, yeah. That's what we're doing. But I also wanna be clear.
Dating exclusively or exclusively
dating
is still a step before a committed relationship. A committed it's a fine line. They're very similar. But a committed relationship is that next step of agreeing that you're trying to build a life together.
We're thinking, like, we
if I have plans for my future, I'm actually thinking about how it impacts that other other person. Whereas when I'm dating, I'm not necessarily doing that and I don't need to be doing that. Right? Like, if I was planning to move across the country and I am casually dating somebody, right,
(21:35):
I am then
I let them know, hey. I've I had plans to move across the country. I'm dating, like, you can take it or leave it, whatever. But if I'm in a committed relationship, I that's a conversation. Right?
So,
that's kind of the main thing between committed relationship. And I would even say, if you've been dating exclusively and you decide you wanna commit and be in a committed relationship with this person, that is also another conversation you have. Very similar to the exclusivity conversation,
(22:01):
probably a bit quicker and easier in a lot of ways because you guys have already been exclusive.
But it's like, hey. Like,
I wanna I wanna do this I want to do this thing called life with you. Alright? So anyway,
let's review the five, the five tenets for better dating.
Number one, you want to know what you want and don't want. Number two, identify your ideal partner.
(22:22):
Number three, date casually before dating exclusively.
Number four,
be selective of who you give your time and energy to. And number five, have the exclusivity
conversation.
So with that, I'm Tracie Pinnock,
marriage and family therapist, dating coach, former dater, and current relationship partner who helps women recover from breakups and date better the next time around. See you soon.
Hello there.
Welcome to the Better to Better podcast, and welcome to
a brand new thing that I'm trying, which is having a visual component to the podcast,
which
will be on YouTube. My YouTube channel, Tracie Pinnock.
Actually, no. My YouTube channel, coach Tracy. We're doing some branding
(00:27):
changes.
And,
eventually, you will be able to find me on all of the social medias
or most of them under coach Tracy. It's currently Tracy Penock on Instagram,
TikTok, and threads, but it will be coach Tracy on all those places
as well as YouTube.
(00:48):
So
this episode is about the five tenets for dating better.
I posted I recently posted a reel
about this,
almost a week ago maybe. And,
yeah, I think it got some pretty good responses because it was just quick five,
(01:09):
you know,
very concrete direct things to do to help you date better.
And, that's what we're gonna get into today. But a couple of side notes, I'm outside of my backyard recording.
I am going to record
anywhere between my my office that I call the shimmer shack and,
my backyard
will probably be the two primary places where I record or at least my backyard while the weather is nice enough to do that.
(01:36):
And we're gonna see how this goes. We're gonna see how the sound quality turns out.
I have my all seasons man, aka my fiancee, Josh, doing all the tech stuff, and he's found all these different things to help with the sound quality and all of this and to help automate a lot of things.
I just realized that I'm looking down to the left because that is where my face is showing up. But I'm gonna move this up here to the top because that's awkward. Hello. Hi.
(02:03):
So, yeah, these are just some things that are happening.
Speaking of all seasons, man, I'm curious,
what people think about me having a conversation with Josh on the Josh on the podcast,
because I started this podcast while I was dating
and, therefore, before I ever met Josh. And,
(02:24):
now we're engaged to be married next year. So,
you know,
we an All Seasons Man comes from a podcast episode that I did at some point in the past on the podcast in which I asked about where I can find an all seasons man and that came from the fact that I, you know, was living alone and
really had to, like,
(02:45):
build up my courage,
around
capturing
catching mice and and disposing of them and killing bugs and things like that. And I, one day had this thought. I was like, you know,
this is this was when I was in my Whoopi Goldberg phase, which is to say,
Whoopi Goldberg has been asked, like, why she's been divorced so many times. And she said, because I don't want anybody in my house. And I felt that the very first time I saw or read that and felt very much that way around
(03:17):
my my, like, romantic life, which is to say, I knew that I wanted to,
end up with a wonderful partner, but I also realized I'd reach a point in my life in which,
I was
not,
desperate to or excited to have another person living in my house. I already have my kids living in my house, but I really I do enjoy my space and they the reality that when you have other people, children, adults, whoever living in the same space,
(03:46):
your space
gets altered and shifted in different ways. So I had this concept I had this idea that, like, I was like, even though I'm looking to,
end up in a committed relationship, I also fully recognize that it would take some adjust some adjusting to go back to living with,
another adult. And so I was like, yeah. I don't want nobody in my house. Anyway, I say that to say, I also
(04:08):
started getting very real about, like,
what did I need and want a man for in my life. And, like, I, you know, came up with a short list around, like, this is what I need him for and
a a bit of a longer list for this is what I want him for. But one of the things was killing bugs and getting rid of mice. And so
(04:28):
the the seasons part came up with, I I think I could be wrong. I'd have to listen up to the podcast again, but
I believe this was probably around when the weather was getting
colder.
And what happens is, like, inevitably, every year as it was starting to go into winter, I'd find a mice or two in my place because they're running from outside to inside. And so it was just the thing that I had to do just for a short period of time. There were, you know, a couple of mice that I had to get rid of. And I was like, you know, I need I need a man in this season to do these things, but it would be great to have an all seasons man. A man who was able to be around for all the seasons to do all the things that are needed. You know, moving the heavy stuff when, I don't know, I wanna do spring cleaning or something like that. Anyway, it's just a thing that came to me. And now Josh and I, like, rep because he's listened to past podcast episodes. He heard that episode.
(05:20):
He joked that he's my all season man and it's true. It's not a joke. He is my all season man. Anyway,
that was a very long way of,
stating that Josh and I just had a conversation about him potentially,
just being a guest on the podcast because I am also ramping up on, having guests and what I like to say conversations
(05:41):
with guests. And it can be
people it can be guests from a professional standpoint as well as a personal standpoint. So Josh would be a guest from a personal standpoint of being my fiance,
my former dating partner, my current relationship partner.
I have thoughts of having conversations with a couple of friends about dating, dating as a mom,
(06:04):
dating past,
also some professional conversations. I have friends in different professions. So I'm having I'm thinking about all these different things,
and some upcoming conversations. So
I think we'll have a conversation with Josh, my all season man. Anyway,
let's get back on track.
Today, the five tenets of dating better or the five tenets for dating better. In order to date better, in order to have a more effective, efficient, and enjoyable dating experience, there are five things you should do. So I will be consulting my notes here today in order to,
(06:37):
ensure that I don't miss anything.
But let's get right into it. Number one,
know what you want and don't want.
Take time to actually think about
what
has and has not served you in the past in your romantic life. Past relationships, past interactions,
past flirtations,
situationships,
friends with benefits,
(06:59):
all of that stuff. What has has made you feel good? What has not made you feel good? What has helped you? What has harmed you? What are things about past romantic
relationships or situations
that you what are things about those past experiences that you want to keep and and continue to have in the future? What is it about those past situations
(07:19):
or relationships or experiences that you want to leave in the past?
Get very clear about that and say these things out loud to yourself because
these become your standards.
This becomes your bar. When you identify this has been good for me or this is what I want or think I want and here's what I don't want or don't think I want
(07:40):
recording outside, so forgive any noise pollution.
But but hopefully, this what the programs we're using will really help to clear a lot of that out. So you might be wondering what I'm talking about because maybe you can't hear it. Anyway,
but what I identifying what you want
and and think you want and what you don't want and think you don't want,
(08:00):
those things help set your standard.
Because then when you go on to date and meet guys,
right, you are aware of what you can tolerate, want to tolerate,
will tolerate,
can or want to compromise on, don't want to compromise on, you will know. Because here's what I have identified, makes me feel good and doesn't make me feel good, serves me and does not serve me. So that's number one. Know what you do and don't want. Number two, it's kind of an extension of number one, which is,
(08:29):
identify your ideal partner.
And I highly recommend you do this by creating an ideal partner list. If you've listened to the podcast,
I talk about this all the time.
I suggest you do not do this or you do not go on any dates before you do this.
You want to write down
all the qualities, traits, circumstances
that your ideal partner would possess.
(08:51):
So this means everything from
really basic things that people forget to write down because they're like, oh, it's so obvious. But I always say, well, when these things are missing in a relationship, you really feel the impact, which is someone who's kind and respectful,
loving, caring. Those are things that most people most people would agree they very much want in a relationship. Write them down. Right? All the way to physical characteristics if you have any particular preferences. If you don't have any particular preferences, they don't need to go down on the list. So if you're very open
(09:20):
to any to whatever,
then that doesn't need to go down. What you're writing down are your preferences. Your preferences around personality traits, how that person behaves,
physical characteristics, do they have kids or not have kids, do they want kids, do they want to be married, their career, job, money, if you have any preferences on these things. Right? You're writing them down. My list was 76 items long,
(09:42):
when I, met Josh,
and,
he checked every item or there were certain items that I initially gave him the benefit of the doubt for because I didn't I couldn't know the answer to that just yet. And that happens all the time. So a lot of those items that I gave him the benefit of the doubt on were things around interactions with my kids because he didn't immediately meet my kids. I didn't immediately meet his. Like, we wanted to be thoughtful about that. So I just, you know, assumed, hey. He's gonna be a good guy, a cool guy, all of that. And I will I I will find out, right, when I'm at the point in which I feel comfortable,
(10:15):
doing that.
So,
but yeah. So then yeah. Then he checked off the things. He checked off all the things. I wanna be clear. Someone doesn't have to check off every single item in order for you to decide that they are a good relationship partner.
Right?
They just need to check off enough of them,
and
they ideally need to check off all your deal breakers. So let's get into that. Every item that you put on this list is a preference that you have for your ideal partner. But some of these items are going to be the deal breaker items,
(10:47):
which are the items that you cannot picture yourself being
happily
happy or happily in a relationship without.
So let's and so I call them high value items.
And what a high value item is for any given person is really subjective. But as an example,
a decision to have kids or not have kids tends to be a high value item for most people, which is to say, if you know you do not wanna have kids, that's important to you. Or if you know you do want to have kids, that is important to you. So if you meet someone who's checking off so many of your preferences, right, but you know you really wanna have kids, maybe you wanna have three, four kids, right, and they do not want to have kids,
(11:26):
it's probably a deal breaker item for you. Right? And it's one of those things that even if they check off a whole bunch of other things on this list, you probably don't can't see yourself being happy in that relationship ultimately
if you can't have the kids that you want to have. Right? And they likely will not be happy in that relationship ultimately if they've decided they absolutely do not want kids and then they end up having kids. That's so I always say, you know,
(11:48):
you don't compromise on your deal breakers because compromising on deal breakers
breeds resentment,
and we know that resentment are killers of relationship.
Resentment kills relationships.
So
sorry. I'm looking off to the side because I'm getting notifications and stuff on my computer. So I hope this is still recording.
We'll see.
And so
(12:09):
that's how you wanna think about the ideal partner list and
and checking off items.
Also, this is a document that you should review frequently and update as needed. Meaning, as you are meeting guys and dating guys, you wanna be, like, scoring them pretty much on the sheet. And you wanna be adding things to the sheet that you realize you hadn't had on there before. And a lot a really good way to do that is going on dates, having certain experiences that you don't like and say, oh, what's the opposite of that thing? I didn't like that he did this. I realized that's something that's a problem for me, so what's the opposite of that? Because I wanna put that on my list. Right? You can also take things off the list. You can have things that you're like, oh, that was I thought that was a preference, but really, it's not. Or I thought it was a deal breaker item,
(12:52):
and it's still a preference, but it's not necessarily deal breaker. So I would, you know, I would I will,
unmarket as a deal breaker.
So that's number two. Create your ideal partner list.
I'm gonna make sure I covered everything on that.
Mhmm. Yes. So number three is date casually before dating exclusively. Date casually before dating exclusively.
(13:14):
Date like a man if you wanna say, have a roster if you wanna say. But a roster doesn't it doesn't have to mean five, ten, 15 people. It could mean two or three.
What it really is is being open to dating more than one person at a time. I am not saying, hear me clearly,
carry on committed relationships with multiple people at one time unless polyamory is something that you are aiming for. But my audience generally are women who are looking to be in a monogamous committed relationship. So if that is you, then I'm not saying you are in committed relationship with multiple people. I'm saying that you are dating and this is where we need to have this conversation because way too many of us are out here
(13:54):
conflating dating with being in a relationship, not the same. Dating is how you get to the relationship or dating is how you should get to the relationship. But we don't date enough. We don't date enough. Mm-mm. What we do is fall into or slide into committed relationships and we once we get to a point where we realize there are certain things that we really can't live within a relationship or don't want to live with, we're already so tied in emotionally, financially,
(14:15):
practically. You have kids, you live in together, you're you're married, your family and friends know you as a couple, all of the things that happen. You fight have financial ties, etcetera, etcetera.
Then that's a harder thing to get out of. Right? So what you want to do is be dating a person, aka romantically interviewing them, to see if they're a good fit as a life partner for you. Therefore, the best way to do that, the most efficient way to do that, and really the most,
(14:41):
if you wanna say secure way to do that is to go on dates with different people while you're getting to know all of those people. And then the big key factor is you have to vet people out, but we'll get to that one. We'll get to that one.
So you go on a date with Tom
and,
it's okay to go on a date with Bob.
(15:02):
Okay.
The same day, the next day, whatever. Because at that point, these are strangers to you or even if it's somebody you've known from the past or a friend of a friend, you do not have you don't owe them monogamy or commitment
because they chosen to take you out on a date.
I don't know if some of y'all know that because I don't think some of y'all know that, but you don't. And someone who's treating you that way, you might want a second
(15:28):
guess or or think twice about dating them. That's a choice. That's a choice. That's a choice. Right?
Because I would say on my ideal partner list, I want someone who's confident,
not insecure
about, oh my gosh, she might gonna do it with somebody else or I want someone who's not possessive.
Just things to think about, but your list is your list.
(15:48):
And so with that,
you
can you should go on dates with different people, getting to know these different people, how you interact with them, how they interact with you, what your chemistry is like, how they act in public, how they treat other people, how how you guys' conversation is, like, what your lifestyle is like, all that stuff. You're you're you're learning that on dates. You're learning as you date people. You should be learning that before you decided to commit to someone. There are plenty of things to be clear that you'll continue to find out and learn about a person after you've committed to them. That's life. But there's a whole lot of stuff that you can and should find out and understand before you commit to them. And dating is how you do that. So you should be out dating multiple people. Right?
(16:35):
Point number four is be selective about who you give your time and energy to. So this is what I mean about vetting. So as you're dating Tom and Bob and
Daquan,
okay,
you're deciding
who you want to continue to give your time and energy to. So you might realize that, Tom,
you and Tom aren't vibing very well,
(16:57):
whatever. You have very different philosophies on life or you know you want kids and and he doesn't or you,
you,
have kids.
He has kids and I don't know. He's not a great father, whatever. And that's important to you if that's on your ideal partner list. Right? Whatever you're learning about the person,
you might realize,
not worth continuing to give my time and energy here because
(17:20):
this ultimately does not look like a good partner fit for me based on the
fit for me based on the things that
are on my ideal partner list and what he's not checking off. And I wanna be clear. Vetting someone out, deciding not to continue dating them is not on automatically saying they're a bad person or they're not worth,
they're they're they're worthless as a person or anything like
like that. It's not putting any judgments in that way. It is saying for me,
(17:42):
I'm not a good they're not a good fit. And maybe probably then for them, you are not a good fit. Right? So
you vet them out and you say, you know, thank you. I've enjoyed my time.
We're we're not aligned on x, y, and z. Or maybe they flat out or an asshole, so you're like,
to the left, bye. Whatever. But now you vetted them out. You are dating
(18:03):
Bob and Daquan. I think these are the guys names that I said.
Hopefully, you're following me. My point is, so it's not that you're accumulating all these guys that you have to, like, juggle, but it is that you also
weren't wasting your time just focusing on dating
Tom. Yeah. That's who we betted out. Only to find that it wasn't the right fit, and now you're starting
(18:26):
over again
with finding of someone else to date and maybe having missed out on potential great people to date because you were only dating Tom from the beginning. You got exclusive
right from the beginning. Bad idea. Bad idea.
But speaking of exclusive, point number five,
right, or let's let's recap. So we just got off of point number four, which is be selective of who you gave your time and energy to. That means you're vetting people out. You're not just you're not just spending all your time, going on and on and on dating a person who's not right for you because you've noticed that they don't check off enough things on your ideal partner list, but you're gonna keep giving your them your time and you're gonna only focus on them until that fizzles out. Don't do that. But number five is have the exclusivity
(19:07):
conversation
if you realize there is somebody you want to date exclusively. So you've been dating Tom and Bob and Daquan
and,
you vetted out Tom
and Bob and Daquan are pretty cool, but you start to realize you're really, you know, enjoying Daycon's company and he's a great guy and checking off this, this, this, and this. And you're like, you know what? I would like to be able to focus
(19:30):
fully on getting to know this person.
So
I need to let them know that I'm interested in
or considering
exclusively dating them. And the reason why you need to have this conversation, because I know so many of us don't want to,
is
for clarification.
You want to be clear on the fact that
(19:51):
you're of letting that person know what you're thinking. You wanna get his thoughts. Like, where is he feeling like? Is he anywhere on the same page with you about this? Is he completely on a different page? Like, I was never trying to date exclusively or
or hey. No. I wanna get married tomorrow. So if you're not ready to just commit to me right this second, then forget it. Whatever.
Right? And you guys want to define what exclusivity
(20:12):
looks like what what ex what exclusivity is
to the both of you and what it looks like. K? So okay. Yeah. I I also wanna just focus on dating you. So that means going on dates just with that person. Talking to just with that person. Right? For most people, it looks like we're monogamous. If we are sleeping together, we're only sleeping sleeping with each other. We are only going on dates with each other. We're not flirting and getting contact information for other people. All of that. Right? But you wanna clarify that because a number of times,
(20:40):
people are,
have different ideas on what this looks like is startling.
K? And then we start getting into the I didn't cheat, which is why I don't even use the c word of cheating. I use a b word of betrayal. Did you do something that made somebody feel betrayed? That doesn't have to be actually having sex with somebody else. That might be taking somebody's number, whatever. We all know. We're all adults here. Come on. So with that,
(21:01):
we'll have that conversation so that it's clear. It's like, yeah. That's what we're doing. But I also wanna be clear.
Dating exclusively or exclusively
dating
is still a step before a committed relationship. A committed it's a fine line. They're very similar. But a committed relationship is that next step of agreeing that you're trying to build a life together.
We're thinking, like, we
if I have plans for my future, I'm actually thinking about how it impacts that other other person. Whereas when I'm dating, I'm not necessarily doing that and I don't need to be doing that. Right? Like, if I was planning to move across the country and I am casually dating somebody, right,
(21:35):
I am then
I let them know, hey. I've I had plans to move across the country. I'm dating, like, you can take it or leave it, whatever. But if I'm in a committed relationship, I that's a conversation. Right?
So,
that's kind of the main thing between committed relationship. And I would even say, if you've been dating exclusively and you decide you wanna commit and be in a committed relationship with this person, that is also another conversation you have. Very similar to the exclusivity conversation,
(22:01):
probably a bit quicker and easier in a lot of ways because you guys have already been exclusive.
But it's like, hey. Like,
I wanna I wanna do this I want to do this thing called life with you. Alright? So anyway,
let's review the five, the five tenets for better dating.
Number one, you want to know what you want and don't want. Number two, identify your ideal partner.
(22:22):
Number three, date casually before dating exclusively.
Number four,
be selective of who you give your time and energy to. And number five, have the exclusivity
conversation.
So with that, I'm Tracie Pinnock,
marriage and family therapist, dating coach, former dater, and current relationship partner who helps women recover from breakups and date better the next time around. See you soon.
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