July 23, 2025 • 22 mins
You meant well. So did I.
But somewhere between the meltdowns, the math lessons, and the late-night guilt spirals, she started to realize that some of the most common parenting phrases—like “just do your best” or “how dare you talk to me like that”—were quietly doing more harm than good.
In this raw, relatable episode, Christy-Faith opens up about the language she’s let go of in her parenting—and why. From the neuroscience of kids' emotional development to the unintentional messages we send with our words, this is a confessional and a wake-up call for every parent who's trying to raise strong, emotionally secure kids without breaking connection along the way.
Spoiler: you don’t need a script or a sticker chart. You need awareness, compassion, and the courage to grow right alongside your kids.
The Christy-Faith Show | Ep. 75
🛠️ LINKS & RESOURCES
Free Homeschooling Resources
Everything you need to simplify and strengthen your homeschool journey:
👉 https://christy-faith.com/links
Thrive Homeschool Community
Join Christy-Faith’s online community for mentorship, encouragement, and real friendships that last:
👉 https://christy-faith.com/thrive
Christy-Faith’s List
A curated directory of homeschool-friendly service providers, businesses, and colleges:
👉 https://christy-faiths-list.com
Christy-Faith’s Book: Homeschool Rising
📖 Includes a chapter on school culture and emotional safety at home:
👉 https://christy-faith.com/book-homeschool-rising
🎙️ SHOW SPONSORS
BJU Press Homeschool
✔ Flexible structure, biblical worldview
✔ Built-in critical thinking and hands-on learning
👉 https://www.bjupresshomeschool.com/christy
CTC Math
✔ Online, self-paced K–12 math curriculum
✔ 50% off + free trial for Christy-Faith listeners
👉 https://ctcmath.com/how-it-works/home-school?tr_id=CF
LearningRx
✔ Cognitive skills training for kids with ADHD, dyslexia & more
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👉 https://LearningRx.com or call 866-272-4601
Azure Standard
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👉 Visit https://AzureStandard.com and use code CHRISTYFAITH15 for 15% off your first order
🔗 MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE
Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett
👉 https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4445832/
Dr. Michele Borba, author of Thrivers
👉 https://amzn.to/46kO7xv
Harvard Center on the Developing Child - Co-Regulation Article
👉 https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/co-regulation-helping-children-and-teens-navigate-big-emotions-202404033030?
The Whole Brain Child
👉 https://amzn.to/4m7G1wC
🎧 SHOW RECAP
✅ The well-meaning parenting phrases that often backfire
✅ Why kids internalize our words more than we think
✅ What neuroscience says about language, memory, and emotional safety
✅ How to shift from shame-based language to connection-based correction
✅ The parenting myth of “just do your best”—and what to say instead
✅ Real-life examples of how changing our words changes everything
If you’ve ever said something and immediately regretted it… you’re not alone.
And this episode is your invitation to grow, gently—but honestly—alongside your kids.
📌 Like, subscribe, and share this with a fellow parent who’s navigating the messy, meaningful work of raising emotionally healthy kids.
💬 What parenting phrase have YOU retired? Share your reflections in the comments or tag Christy-Faith on Instagram to join the conversation.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Christy-Faith (00:00):
If you've ever said something to your child and
(00:02):
immediately thought, wow, thatsounded exactly like my parents,
and not in the charmingnostalgic way, this episode's
for you. Maybe you've laid inbed at night replaying the
random Thursday afternoonmeltdown wondering if you've
officially broken your child'sspirit forever. Yeah. Same.
Welcome to the show and pull upa chair.
(00:23):
I've said things in the heat ofthe moment that felt completely
normal at the time. Things like,all I expect is your best, or
how dare you talk to me likethat. And honestly, at the time,
I meant well. I thought I wassetting healthy boundaries,
teaching respect, and instillinga solid work ethic in my kids.
But what I didn't realize, someof those well meaning phrases
(00:45):
were quietly planting seeds ofperfectionism, shame, and fear
in my kids, even though I wassure that I was parenting with
love.
So today, it's gonna beuncomfortable, but we're gonna
go there. We're gonna unpack afew things that I no longer say
to my kids, why those phrasesweren't helping, and what I'm
now doing instead. This episodeis equal parts confessional,
(01:08):
parent pep talk, and a lot likea chat over coffee with just a
bunch of imperfect parentstrying to do our best, me
included. Also, I wanna hearfrom you. I wanna hear what
phrases you've retired from yourparenting vocabulary.
Come find me in the comments onInstagram, on YouTube, and let's
compare notes. Before we getinto this today, hi. Welcome if
(01:40):
you're a first time listener orwelcome back. I'm Kristi Faith,
author of homeschool rising,speaker and founder of thrive
homeschool community, a placewhere you can learn how to fail
proof your homeschool byfollowing solid plans and find
real connection, mentorship, andsupport along the way. Make sure
to hit my website for somereally good free resources no
(02:01):
matter what phase ofhomeschooling you're in or what
age your kids are.
I've got something for you andmy freebies are actually really
good. So go check them outtoday. Quick disclaimer before
we dive in, I am not here tolecture you today. I'm in the
thick of this parenting thingtoo. I am apologizing to my
kids.
Sometimes it feels like everyding dong day. I'm stumbling
(02:23):
over my words, and what thisshow is mainly about realizing
sometimes way too late that whatI meant and what my kids heard
were two entirely differentthings. If you've known me for
even a hot minute, you know I'mall about vulnerability. That's
how connections are made, andthis isn't about being a perfect
parent or obsessing over everysingle word that leaves your
(02:44):
mouth. This is just an episodethat I wish someone handed me
years ago.
It's gonna have a little bit ofvalidation, a little bit of
clarity, and just enough humorto make it sting a little less
when you realize, yeah, I saythat too. And though these go
viral on social media, you don'tneed a parenting script or a
laminated feelings chart toparent well. Though if someone
(03:04):
made those into a little stickerpack, I wouldn't say no. What we
all need is just awareness, awillingness to shift, to grow,
and the freedom to laugh alittle bit along the way with
our kids. Here's the deal.
Those words that fly out of ourmouths, they're not random.
They're tiny reflections ofwhat's going on inside of us. So
what if instead of beatingourselves up, we just got a
(03:28):
little more aware, a little lesslegalistic, not so robotic. We
just got a bit more intentionaland in tune with our parenting
and our kids. Because if you'vebeen in any relationship at all,
you know that often what we sayisn't always what is heard.
We're gonna get into threethings that I no longer say to
(03:48):
my kids, but let's first hitpause and talk about why our
words matter so much in ourparenting right after a word
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(04:11):
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(05:13):
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(05:59):
Welcome back. You've probablyheard people say kids are
sponges. Well, yeah, they're notjust soaking up what we say.
They're also internalizing it.The tone, the intent, the little
messages between the lines thatwe don't even realize we're
sending.
This isn't just mom guilttalking, it's neuroscience.
According to doctor Lisa FeldmanBarrett, a leading psychologist
and neuroscientist, the words wespeak don't just reflect our
(06:23):
emotions, they shape them. Ourbrains are constantly wiring and
rewiring based on what we hear,say, and believe, and this goes
for our kids too. So when wecasually toss out something
like, just do your best. All Iwant is your best.
All I expect is your best. Ourchild's brain may start
attaching meaning that we don'tactually intend, and their
(06:45):
internal voice, that monologue,it starts to sound a lot like
us. It becomes the narrationthat they carry into their
challenges, their mistakes, andtheir moments of self doubt. If
they're hearing all I expect isyour best but feeling pressure
to be perfect, that voice mighteventually say, try harder. That
wasn't good enough.
Don't mess up. When what wereally want and what it could
(07:08):
say is you're safe to try.Mistakes are a part of learning.
You are loved no matter how youperform. That's the long game.
We're not just correctingbehavior. We're shaping the
story our kids will tellthemselves for the rest of their
lives. Let that sink in for asecond. The language we use with
our children now becomes thevoice they hear in their heads
(07:30):
later. No pressure.
Right? This isn't just a poeticidea. Doctor Daniel Siegel and
doctor Tina Payne Bryson explainin the whole brain child that
repeated emotional interactionsactually shape the architecture
of a child's brain. Over time,the way we respond to our kids
becomes the way they respond tothemselves. Do you see that in
(07:52):
your own life?
I certainly do. Personally, Icame into this parenting game
with what you might call anauthoritarian default setting. I
thought firm rules, clearconsequences, and because I said
so was how you earned respectand that most parents were just
too soft. I was trying to raisestrong responsible kids, but I
(08:12):
didn't realize how often mytone, my reactions, and even my
well meaning phrases werequietly shaping their sense of
self and not in a good way. WhenI look back, the way that I
parented before did damage, andwe are still healing to this
day, especially with my oldest.
By the way, he's super cute.Whenever something comes up or a
(08:33):
memory comes up, he says, mom,you need to stop apologizing.
It's okay. And you know what?I'm not gonna stop apologizing.
Here's the thing. Did I love mykids back then? Absolutely. Did
I think I was raising strongresilient kids back then? Yes.
What I think a lot of peopledon't realize is accidentally
communicate things that we neverintended. Things like you're
(08:56):
only lovable when you get itright, or you're only lovable
when you obey me, or mistakesaren't safe. And one that I am
guilty of this myself, and Ijust cringe when I think about
this because I had a lot ofyoung kids and a lot of
meltdowns and toddler yearsaltogether with a bunch of
toddlers all at once. Bigemotions are bad emotions
(09:17):
because their emotionsdysregulated me, and I didn't
realize it at the time. It tookuntil much later for me to
realize that they weren't doingthese behaviors to me
personally.
Now this isn't about guilt. I'vebeen there. I've laid in bed at
night replaying those momentswhere I snapped over spilled
markers or some sass at bedtimeand wondered if my kids were
(09:39):
gonna make it in this world atall. But you know what really
got to my heart? When I wouldstart to wonder if our
relationships were going to makeit once they launched out into
the world.
Was I gonna have adult kids whocalled me and trusted me when
they're having a bad day orgoing through a rough time? That
really worried me, and I had tomake some changes. I wasn't
walking down the path that Iwanted for the future that I
(10:01):
wanted for my family. Now noneof us are perfect. In fact, our
kids need to see us imperfect.
Of course, they do. Right? Andthey need us to apologize, and
we need to model what it lookslike to mess up in a healthy
way. What this episode is aboutand what I hope you walk away
with is just being more aware.Maybe together, all of us can do
a little bit of self reflection.
We hold ourselves to really highstandards, and I think admitting
(10:24):
to ourselves that we're notperfect and giving ourselves
grace helps tremendously. Whenwe shift our language even just
a little bit, we start to shiftthe emotional climate in our
homes one phrase at a time.Okay. So here is where I
started. The first phrase that Iretired is all I expect is your
(10:44):
best.
Because what I meant to say whenI was saying that is, I love you
no matter what. Just try harderand I'm proud. What my children
were hearing was, you better beperfect. If you mess this up,
you've disappointed me. Oof.
That stings. Right? Now, do yourbest sounds supportive. It even
sounds encouraging. But for kidswho are naturally anxious,
(11:06):
sensitive, or maybe even lean alittle bit towards
perfectionism, it can feel likea moving target.
Because what is your best? Is ittoday's best? Is it tomorrow's
best? Is it still your best whenyou're tired, overwhelmed, or
just having a bad day? Is thebest expected all of the time
every single minute?
Because that sounds a lot likeperformance to me. Right? Saying
(11:27):
that is a little bit too vague,especially for young little
minds. And vague expectationshave a sneaky way of turning
into pressure, especially whenthey're paired with our actions.
And here's the disconnect withthis particular phrase.
Every parent on the planet says,just do your best. That's all I
want. But then what happens? Weask what grade they got on that
(11:48):
test. We celebrate the trophy,not the effort.
We brag about the win before weeven mention the work. So even
though we're saying it, what ourkids are actually hearing from
us over and over is your bestequals impressing me. Your best
equals winning. Your best equalsnever failing. When your best
(12:08):
becomes the baseline forapproval, it quietly shifts into
a performance based love andthere's no room for rest in that
place.
There's no space to just be, andthat's when perfectionism starts
to take root. We never want ourkids to feel like their love is
earned. According to doctorMichelle Borba, author of
Thrivers, perfectionism in kidshas skyrocketed in recent years.
(12:32):
And it's not just a personalityquirk, it's directly linked to
rising rates of anxiety,depression, and burnout. Because
when effort becomes thecondition for connection, love
doesn't feel unconditionalanymore, does it?
Even if it was never ourintention to communicate that.
So now instead of all I expectis your best, I say things like
(12:53):
this instead. I saw how braveyou were to try that. You don't
have to be perfect to be loved.Learning is messy and it has ups
and downs and big feelings.
I'm really proud of how hardyou've worked. Because and take
this from a recoveringperfectionist, perfectionism has
no place in parenting. Let'ssave that for Instagram reels
(13:13):
and robots because your child isgloriously imperfect and a
developing human, and that'sexactly who they're supposed to
be. And by the way, you are too.Okay.
So here is another phrase that Iretired from my quiver, and it
is how dare you talk to me likethat. What I meant is being
upset doesn't mean abusivelanguage is appropriate. It
(13:35):
tears down relationships ratherthan build them up and makes you
feel really bad about yourselfafter, but it didn't come out
like that. Now stay with me herefor those of you who are like,
what kind of parenting advice isChristie giving right now? I'm
about to get even a little bitmore weird, so hang on.
In most of those moments, ourkids aren't trying to be
disrespectful. They're justreally dysregulated. What they
(13:59):
need in that moment is notjudgment. They need help. And I
know what you're thinking rightnow, but they can't get away
with that, Christy.
To which I answer, of coursenot. But when you address that
abusive language is key, and itis not when everybody is
completely dysregulated. Becauseyou know what behavior actually
is? Behavior is a language. It'scommunication.
(14:21):
And if I just jump straight intopunishment without pausing to
understand what's really goingon, I'm treating the symptom.
I'm not actually healing thewound. And for those of you
listening who are faith basedhomeschoolers, we have so many
mixed parenting messages in ourculture, and I could do a whole
another episode on why I leftauthoritarian parenting. Go
(14:42):
ahead and comment if you wannashow on that. Happy to do it.
But one thing everyone who isfaith based can agree on is that
when we are disciplining ourkids, what we really want to get
to is the heart. I'm gonna leaveit there because I got other
stuff to cover today. Okay. Nowlet's get to some evidence. The
CDC actually encouragessomething called co regulation,
(15:03):
especially for younger kids.
It means that instead ofreacting to their chaos and
their dysregulation, we can helpthem calm down and help their
brain access their reasoningagain. Okay. So what I say now
instead of how dare you talk tome like that, I'll reveal that
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Okay.
Welcome back. So we werediscussing the second phrase
that I no longer say to my kids,and that is how dare you talk to
(17:14):
me like that. Here are the typesof things that I now say
instead. Hey, you're upset andthat's okay. Let's take a break
and figure out what's reallygoing on.
These big feelings are okay.Let's calm down together and
work through them. And somethingreally cool that happened just
this week is I saw one of mychildren about to say something
(17:35):
that they would regret. And Isaw it start to come out and
they stopped it, and I caught itright there, and boy did we
praise that child. We said, lookat how you had self control.
You were about to say somethingthat you would later regret and
really feel bad about. I justwanna note that growth there. I
know you've been working onthat. Because look, despite what
(17:56):
some people may think, childrenare not royal subjects. We're
parenting a developing human whoneeds our calm, not our
courtroom.
And if we want our kids to trustus with big problems later on in
their lives, they gotta be ableto trust us with what they're
going through now when they'relittle. Now the next phrase that
I have retired, and that is useyour words. What I meant was
(18:20):
stop screaming and just tell mewhat's wrong. What my child
heard, you're too much. I don'twanna deal with you unless
you're emotionally articulate.
Good luck with that at age six,by the way. Here's the thing.
Under stress, the part of thebrain responsible for language
goes offline, literally. TheHarvard Center on the Developing
Child explains that emotionaloverwhelm disrupts executive
(18:42):
function, meaning kids can't usetheir words even if they want
to. So here are the types ofthings that I say now.
I can see that you'reoverwhelmed. I'll sit with you
until you're ready. It's okay tohave big feelings. I'm not going
anywhere. I'm gonna help youthrough this.
It looks like you're having ahard time managing these big
feelings. I'm here with you andwe're gonna figure this out
(19:03):
together. I'm gonna help you.Expecting a dysregulated five
year old to calmly explain theirfeelings is like expecting a
tornado to politely knock first.Not gonna happen.
So clearly, you can see that Idon't get it right every time. I
still say things that I regret.I still have days where I want
to put myself in a time out. Iwill say, sometimes I do share
(19:25):
with my kids, mommy isdysregulated. I'm gonna go
upstairs and calm down and comeback when I'm ready.
This isn't letting kids get awaywith stuff. This isn't soft
parenting. This is parenting ina way where you don't damage
relationships. In a space thatI've come to and it's taken a
lot of therapy to get here, I'velearned that just like my kids
are growing, so am I. When Ichange how I speak to them, I'm
(19:48):
not just preventing a meltdown,I'm building trust, safety, and
long term connection.
And I gotta tell you, ourrelationships are transformed.
Rather than tears on my pillow,I often go to sleep with
thankfulness. Because we're nowin those teen years where the
teen comes to you when you'rereally, really tired, and that's
when they can process all theirexistential crises. But
(20:10):
honestly, I'm here for it. I'llstay up all night long if I have
to because our teen is coming tome and Scott to process life.
That was not me when I was thatage. At the end of the day, I
don't want perfectly behavedkids. I want emotionally healthy
adults who know they are lovedeven on their worst days. If
this episode resonated with youat all, if you're feeling that
(20:32):
tension between I wanna parentdifferently and I don't even
know how to begin, you're notalone. This is exactly the kind
of stuff that we talk about inThrive Homeschool Community.
Real parenting, real struggles,and real lasting change. Not
perfection, not Pinterest, justprogress. Thrive, yes, it is a
robust training community. It'skinda like starting a master's
(20:55):
program in homeschooling, and wefail proof your homeschool to
make sure that you are givingyour kids what they need now and
preparing them for a brightfuture, but part of that process
is growing ourselves. It is areally, really cool place with a
lot of vulnerability andintimacy.
So if you want more informationon what you can get out of
Thrive Homeschool Community,I'll put the link in the show
(21:17):
notes and you can check out thatwebpage on my website. We'd love
to have you in there. Okay. Landin the plane. Parenting is hard.
Homeschooling? Right? That's abonus level challenge, but
you're not here to do it allperfectly. You're just here to
do it intentionally, and that iswhere we excel, and that is when
(21:38):
we end up doing a really goodjob for our kids. Because when
we expect too much out ofourselves and too much out of
them, it ends up back firing forboth of us.
You can change how you parent.Thanks for listening today. I
hope that this was encouragementthat you can change how you
parent even if it's just onephrase at a time. See you next
week. Bye.
If you've ever said something to your child and
(00:02):
immediately thought, wow, thatsounded exactly like my parents,
and not in the charmingnostalgic way, this episode's
for you. Maybe you've laid inbed at night replaying the
random Thursday afternoonmeltdown wondering if you've
officially broken your child'sspirit forever. Yeah. Same.
Welcome to the show and pull upa chair.
(00:23):
I've said things in the heat ofthe moment that felt completely
normal at the time. Things like,all I expect is your best, or
how dare you talk to me likethat. And honestly, at the time,
I meant well. I thought I wassetting healthy boundaries,
teaching respect, and instillinga solid work ethic in my kids.
But what I didn't realize, someof those well meaning phrases
(00:45):
were quietly planting seeds ofperfectionism, shame, and fear
in my kids, even though I wassure that I was parenting with
love.
So today, it's gonna beuncomfortable, but we're gonna
go there. We're gonna unpack afew things that I no longer say
to my kids, why those phrasesweren't helping, and what I'm
now doing instead. This episodeis equal parts confessional,
(01:08):
parent pep talk, and a lot likea chat over coffee with just a
bunch of imperfect parentstrying to do our best, me
included. Also, I wanna hearfrom you. I wanna hear what
phrases you've retired from yourparenting vocabulary.
Come find me in the comments onInstagram, on YouTube, and let's
compare notes. Before we getinto this today, hi. Welcome if
(01:40):
you're a first time listener orwelcome back. I'm Kristi Faith,
author of homeschool rising,speaker and founder of thrive
homeschool community, a placewhere you can learn how to fail
proof your homeschool byfollowing solid plans and find
real connection, mentorship, andsupport along the way. Make sure
to hit my website for somereally good free resources no
(02:01):
matter what phase ofhomeschooling you're in or what
age your kids are.
I've got something for you andmy freebies are actually really
good. So go check them outtoday. Quick disclaimer before
we dive in, I am not here tolecture you today. I'm in the
thick of this parenting thingtoo. I am apologizing to my
kids.
Sometimes it feels like everyding dong day. I'm stumbling
(02:23):
over my words, and what thisshow is mainly about realizing
sometimes way too late that whatI meant and what my kids heard
were two entirely differentthings. If you've known me for
even a hot minute, you know I'mall about vulnerability. That's
how connections are made, andthis isn't about being a perfect
parent or obsessing over everysingle word that leaves your
(02:44):
mouth. This is just an episodethat I wish someone handed me
years ago.
It's gonna have a little bit ofvalidation, a little bit of
clarity, and just enough humorto make it sting a little less
when you realize, yeah, I saythat too. And though these go
viral on social media, you don'tneed a parenting script or a
laminated feelings chart toparent well. Though if someone
(03:04):
made those into a little stickerpack, I wouldn't say no. What we
all need is just awareness, awillingness to shift, to grow,
and the freedom to laugh alittle bit along the way with
our kids. Here's the deal.
Those words that fly out of ourmouths, they're not random.
They're tiny reflections ofwhat's going on inside of us. So
what if instead of beatingourselves up, we just got a
(03:28):
little more aware, a little lesslegalistic, not so robotic. We
just got a bit more intentionaland in tune with our parenting
and our kids. Because if you'vebeen in any relationship at all,
you know that often what we sayisn't always what is heard.
We're gonna get into threethings that I no longer say to
(03:48):
my kids, but let's first hitpause and talk about why our
words matter so much in ourparenting right after a word
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(05:59):
Welcome back. You've probablyheard people say kids are
sponges. Well, yeah, they're notjust soaking up what we say.
They're also internalizing it.The tone, the intent, the little
messages between the lines thatwe don't even realize we're
sending.
This isn't just mom guilttalking, it's neuroscience.
According to doctor Lisa FeldmanBarrett, a leading psychologist
and neuroscientist, the words wespeak don't just reflect our
(06:23):
emotions, they shape them. Ourbrains are constantly wiring and
rewiring based on what we hear,say, and believe, and this goes
for our kids too. So when wecasually toss out something
like, just do your best. All Iwant is your best.
All I expect is your best. Ourchild's brain may start
attaching meaning that we don'tactually intend, and their
(06:45):
internal voice, that monologue,it starts to sound a lot like
us. It becomes the narrationthat they carry into their
challenges, their mistakes, andtheir moments of self doubt. If
they're hearing all I expect isyour best but feeling pressure
to be perfect, that voice mighteventually say, try harder. That
wasn't good enough.
Don't mess up. When what wereally want and what it could
(07:08):
say is you're safe to try.Mistakes are a part of learning.
You are loved no matter how youperform. That's the long game.
We're not just correctingbehavior. We're shaping the
story our kids will tellthemselves for the rest of their
lives. Let that sink in for asecond. The language we use with
our children now becomes thevoice they hear in their heads
(07:30):
later. No pressure.
Right? This isn't just a poeticidea. Doctor Daniel Siegel and
doctor Tina Payne Bryson explainin the whole brain child that
repeated emotional interactionsactually shape the architecture
of a child's brain. Over time,the way we respond to our kids
becomes the way they respond tothemselves. Do you see that in
(07:52):
your own life?
I certainly do. Personally, Icame into this parenting game
with what you might call anauthoritarian default setting. I
thought firm rules, clearconsequences, and because I said
so was how you earned respectand that most parents were just
too soft. I was trying to raisestrong responsible kids, but I
(08:12):
didn't realize how often mytone, my reactions, and even my
well meaning phrases werequietly shaping their sense of
self and not in a good way. WhenI look back, the way that I
parented before did damage, andwe are still healing to this
day, especially with my oldest.
By the way, he's super cute.Whenever something comes up or a
(08:33):
memory comes up, he says, mom,you need to stop apologizing.
It's okay. And you know what?I'm not gonna stop apologizing.
Here's the thing. Did I love mykids back then? Absolutely. Did
I think I was raising strongresilient kids back then? Yes.
What I think a lot of peopledon't realize is accidentally
communicate things that we neverintended. Things like you're
(08:56):
only lovable when you get itright, or you're only lovable
when you obey me, or mistakesaren't safe. And one that I am
guilty of this myself, and Ijust cringe when I think about
this because I had a lot ofyoung kids and a lot of
meltdowns and toddler yearsaltogether with a bunch of
toddlers all at once. Bigemotions are bad emotions
(09:17):
because their emotionsdysregulated me, and I didn't
realize it at the time. It tookuntil much later for me to
realize that they weren't doingthese behaviors to me
personally.
Now this isn't about guilt. I'vebeen there. I've laid in bed at
night replaying those momentswhere I snapped over spilled
markers or some sass at bedtimeand wondered if my kids were
(09:39):
gonna make it in this world atall. But you know what really
got to my heart? When I wouldstart to wonder if our
relationships were going to makeit once they launched out into
the world.
Was I gonna have adult kids whocalled me and trusted me when
they're having a bad day orgoing through a rough time? That
really worried me, and I had tomake some changes. I wasn't
walking down the path that Iwanted for the future that I
(10:01):
wanted for my family. Now noneof us are perfect. In fact, our
kids need to see us imperfect.
Of course, they do. Right? Andthey need us to apologize, and
we need to model what it lookslike to mess up in a healthy
way. What this episode is aboutand what I hope you walk away
with is just being more aware.Maybe together, all of us can do
a little bit of self reflection.
We hold ourselves to really highstandards, and I think admitting
(10:24):
to ourselves that we're notperfect and giving ourselves
grace helps tremendously. Whenwe shift our language even just
a little bit, we start to shiftthe emotional climate in our
homes one phrase at a time.Okay. So here is where I
started. The first phrase that Iretired is all I expect is your
(10:44):
best.
Because what I meant to say whenI was saying that is, I love you
no matter what. Just try harderand I'm proud. What my children
were hearing was, you better beperfect. If you mess this up,
you've disappointed me. Oof.
That stings. Right? Now, do yourbest sounds supportive. It even
sounds encouraging. But for kidswho are naturally anxious,
(11:06):
sensitive, or maybe even lean alittle bit towards
perfectionism, it can feel likea moving target.
Because what is your best? Is ittoday's best? Is it tomorrow's
best? Is it still your best whenyou're tired, overwhelmed, or
just having a bad day? Is thebest expected all of the time
every single minute?
Because that sounds a lot likeperformance to me. Right? Saying
(11:27):
that is a little bit too vague,especially for young little
minds. And vague expectationshave a sneaky way of turning
into pressure, especially whenthey're paired with our actions.
And here's the disconnect withthis particular phrase.
Every parent on the planet says,just do your best. That's all I
want. But then what happens? Weask what grade they got on that
(11:48):
test. We celebrate the trophy,not the effort.
We brag about the win before weeven mention the work. So even
though we're saying it, what ourkids are actually hearing from
us over and over is your bestequals impressing me. Your best
equals winning. Your best equalsnever failing. When your best
(12:08):
becomes the baseline forapproval, it quietly shifts into
a performance based love andthere's no room for rest in that
place.
There's no space to just be, andthat's when perfectionism starts
to take root. We never want ourkids to feel like their love is
earned. According to doctorMichelle Borba, author of
Thrivers, perfectionism in kidshas skyrocketed in recent years.
(12:32):
And it's not just a personalityquirk, it's directly linked to
rising rates of anxiety,depression, and burnout. Because
when effort becomes thecondition for connection, love
doesn't feel unconditionalanymore, does it?
Even if it was never ourintention to communicate that.
So now instead of all I expectis your best, I say things like
(12:53):
this instead. I saw how braveyou were to try that. You don't
have to be perfect to be loved.Learning is messy and it has ups
and downs and big feelings.
I'm really proud of how hardyou've worked. Because and take
this from a recoveringperfectionist, perfectionism has
no place in parenting. Let'ssave that for Instagram reels
(13:13):
and robots because your child isgloriously imperfect and a
developing human, and that'sexactly who they're supposed to
be. And by the way, you are too.Okay.
So here is another phrase that Iretired from my quiver, and it
is how dare you talk to me likethat. What I meant is being
upset doesn't mean abusivelanguage is appropriate. It
(13:35):
tears down relationships ratherthan build them up and makes you
feel really bad about yourselfafter, but it didn't come out
like that. Now stay with me herefor those of you who are like,
what kind of parenting advice isChristie giving right now? I'm
about to get even a little bitmore weird, so hang on.
In most of those moments, ourkids aren't trying to be
disrespectful. They're justreally dysregulated. What they
(13:59):
need in that moment is notjudgment. They need help. And I
know what you're thinking rightnow, but they can't get away
with that, Christy.
To which I answer, of coursenot. But when you address that
abusive language is key, and itis not when everybody is
completely dysregulated. Becauseyou know what behavior actually
is? Behavior is a language. It'scommunication.
(14:21):
And if I just jump straight intopunishment without pausing to
understand what's really goingon, I'm treating the symptom.
I'm not actually healing thewound. And for those of you
listening who are faith basedhomeschoolers, we have so many
mixed parenting messages in ourculture, and I could do a whole
another episode on why I leftauthoritarian parenting. Go
(14:42):
ahead and comment if you wannashow on that. Happy to do it.
But one thing everyone who isfaith based can agree on is that
when we are disciplining ourkids, what we really want to get
to is the heart. I'm gonna leaveit there because I got other
stuff to cover today. Okay. Nowlet's get to some evidence. The
CDC actually encouragessomething called co regulation,
(15:03):
especially for younger kids.
It means that instead ofreacting to their chaos and
their dysregulation, we can helpthem calm down and help their
brain access their reasoningagain. Okay. So what I say now
instead of how dare you talk tome like that, I'll reveal that
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Okay.
Welcome back. So we werediscussing the second phrase
that I no longer say to my kids,and that is how dare you talk to
(17:14):
me like that. Here are the typesof things that I now say
instead. Hey, you're upset andthat's okay. Let's take a break
and figure out what's reallygoing on.
These big feelings are okay.Let's calm down together and
work through them. And somethingreally cool that happened just
this week is I saw one of mychildren about to say something
(17:35):
that they would regret. And Isaw it start to come out and
they stopped it, and I caught itright there, and boy did we
praise that child. We said, lookat how you had self control.
You were about to say somethingthat you would later regret and
really feel bad about. I justwanna note that growth there. I
know you've been working onthat. Because look, despite what
(17:56):
some people may think, childrenare not royal subjects. We're
parenting a developing human whoneeds our calm, not our
courtroom.
And if we want our kids to trustus with big problems later on in
their lives, they gotta be ableto trust us with what they're
going through now when they'relittle. Now the next phrase that
I have retired, and that is useyour words. What I meant was
(18:20):
stop screaming and just tell mewhat's wrong. What my child
heard, you're too much. I don'twanna deal with you unless
you're emotionally articulate.
Good luck with that at age six,by the way. Here's the thing.
Under stress, the part of thebrain responsible for language
goes offline, literally. TheHarvard Center on the Developing
Child explains that emotionaloverwhelm disrupts executive
(18:42):
function, meaning kids can't usetheir words even if they want
to. So here are the types ofthings that I say now.
I can see that you'reoverwhelmed. I'll sit with you
until you're ready. It's okay tohave big feelings. I'm not going
anywhere. I'm gonna help youthrough this.
It looks like you're having ahard time managing these big
feelings. I'm here with you andwe're gonna figure this out
(19:03):
together. I'm gonna help you.Expecting a dysregulated five
year old to calmly explain theirfeelings is like expecting a
tornado to politely knock first.Not gonna happen.
So clearly, you can see that Idon't get it right every time. I
still say things that I regret.I still have days where I want
to put myself in a time out. Iwill say, sometimes I do share
(19:25):
with my kids, mommy isdysregulated. I'm gonna go
upstairs and calm down and comeback when I'm ready.
This isn't letting kids get awaywith stuff. This isn't soft
parenting. This is parenting ina way where you don't damage
relationships. In a space thatI've come to and it's taken a
lot of therapy to get here, I'velearned that just like my kids
are growing, so am I. When Ichange how I speak to them, I'm
(19:48):
not just preventing a meltdown,I'm building trust, safety, and
long term connection.
And I gotta tell you, ourrelationships are transformed.
Rather than tears on my pillow,I often go to sleep with
thankfulness. Because we're nowin those teen years where the
teen comes to you when you'rereally, really tired, and that's
when they can process all theirexistential crises. But
(20:10):
honestly, I'm here for it. I'llstay up all night long if I have
to because our teen is coming tome and Scott to process life.
That was not me when I was thatage. At the end of the day, I
don't want perfectly behavedkids. I want emotionally healthy
adults who know they are lovedeven on their worst days. If
this episode resonated with youat all, if you're feeling that
(20:32):
tension between I wanna parentdifferently and I don't even
know how to begin, you're notalone. This is exactly the kind
of stuff that we talk about inThrive Homeschool Community.
Real parenting, real struggles,and real lasting change. Not
perfection, not Pinterest, justprogress. Thrive, yes, it is a
robust training community. It'skinda like starting a master's
(20:55):
program in homeschooling, and wefail proof your homeschool to
make sure that you are givingyour kids what they need now and
preparing them for a brightfuture, but part of that process
is growing ourselves. It is areally, really cool place with a
lot of vulnerability andintimacy.
So if you want more informationon what you can get out of
Thrive Homeschool Community,I'll put the link in the show
(21:17):
notes and you can check out thatwebpage on my website. We'd love
to have you in there. Okay. Landin the plane. Parenting is hard.
Homeschooling? Right? That's abonus level challenge, but
you're not here to do it allperfectly. You're just here to
do it intentionally, and that iswhere we excel, and that is when
(21:38):
we end up doing a really goodjob for our kids. Because when
we expect too much out ofourselves and too much out of
them, it ends up back firing forboth of us.
You can change how you parent.Thanks for listening today. I
hope that this was encouragementthat you can change how you
parent even if it's just onephrase at a time. See you next
week. Bye.
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