September 2024 Monthly Update

I'm broken.

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
I'm not tracking my subscriber count anymore. I am focusing now on

(00:08):
Only my video quality nothing else matters and
The reason why I sound a little down right now is because I am down. I am extremely down. I am broken. I
Think that there's something fundamentally wrong with the way I live life and the way
the

(00:29):
our society
Lives and I am reading a book about it right now
And it's basically putting into words a lot of the things that I have
vaguely understood
last month I talked about how I got really angry at

(00:50):
seeing
This type of lifestyle a mediocrity meet that that's what I call a mediocre lifestyle
and that's because I used to live that lifestyle and I realized that it sucked and
I have improved my life, but I still see other people
Especially people I'm close to living that lifestyle and it gets to me but I

(01:15):
Think that I was actually just
I'm actually angry at that stuff
out of ignorance
because
Yes, that lifestyle is terrible. It's just it's a fact
There is no way around it that lifestyle leaves a hole in your heart

(01:36):
but on
the other hand my lifestyle is still leaving a hole in my heart and I don't know why and
the tricky thing here is that I
Have no one to talk to about this because no one knows
No one even wants to learn about this and there's no mentor available for me to learn about this stuff

(02:00):
What I'm talking about is called the Ascent of Humanity
It's a book called it's a book written by Charles Eisenstein and it's completely free online
if you want to go look for it he put it up on his website and
that book I
am only halfway through and

(02:21):
the reason why I started reading it was because a
Long time ago. I read a book called reality Transurfing and it completely changed the way I see my
Though I completely changed the way I see the world. It completely changed my life and I never went back
I I could never go back after you learn something you can't go back and

(02:43):
and this kind of book really
sent me on a path to search for more and more things because that book
Showed me a sliver of the truth and it exposed a lot of the lies that I've been living all my life
and a lot of the lies that our society teaches us and
I was in my search for more books like that. I found a website called the most beautiful world and

(03:08):
It's a website by this guy named Jean Pasco reman and
One part of the website that I found was his reading list
And it's called the ultimate reading list for human beings
It's like a little blog post and he explained that

(03:30):
You are God
literally
not some woo-woo stuff, but literally God and if you are a Christian and
You are getting a little nervous about what I'm saying
Well, I mean I used to be I grew up in a Christian household

(03:51):
I grew up going to church and I felt empty
talking about some abstract God and
I've gotten a lot of value and
I've started to learn a lot more things. I find that people who are
intolerant to
a

(04:11):
God other than the one they believe in is simply out of ignorance just like how I'm ignorant to literally everything in life
And it makes me angry
but
People who are angry at that
A lot of times they don't even care about searching for the truth
but

(04:31):
I've been reading these kinds of books and
in his blog post of the
Ultimate reading list for human beings
He explained that and I was instantly caught my attention
Because I knew that there was definitely something wrong with the way Christians see the world or at least modern-day Christians

(04:53):
Maybe not Jesus's teachings, but who I don't even know if Jesus's teachings have gotten have reached
modern-day Christianity because a lot of the sources that I've learned from say otherwise, but
basically I
Knew that there was something wrong with Christianities teachings because I it left me feeling

(05:16):
like helpless it left me feeling just not like a human and
This reading list he said that the first book you should read is
Transurfing and I already read Transurfing and I thought it completely changed my life
So if he's recommending that book as the first book and that's basically the foundation to the rest of the reading list

(05:39):
Well, then the rest of the reading list is probably me really good
So I bought the first seven books on that reading list and followed his reading method
This was maybe eight months ago that I did this I followed his reading method of
Reading seven books at once you basically pick up one book read until you lose focus and then switch to the next book

(06:02):
And then repeat and then you're able to read in theory a book a day using that method
So I tried it and I completely failed. I was not able to read a book a day. In fact, it was
It just seemed way
worse of an experience reading
using that method
So I actually

(06:23):
Stopped reading all those books put them all up in the attic
Except for his book Jean Pascal Riemann's book called Dancing After the Music Stops and I read that book
Amazing book and then I kind of put all that stuff away for a while and just focused on my YouTube channel
And then recently I needed a book because I was going on vacation

(06:45):
I was gonna finish the book that I planned on reading at vacation too early
So I brought this book the Ascent of Humanity which was
The third book on his reading list and he said that that's the foundation to the truth
It basically gives you a like the whole foundation to learning the truth because he said that the greatest sin against

(07:08):
Humanity is not the school system not the 40 hour work week. Those are both tarot very wrong things
but the greatest sin against humanity is
The lie that you can never learn the truth
But he said that you can learn the truth through books and I am trusting him on that for now

(07:29):
and
Trying it for myself and so far it has worked reality
Transurfing completely changed the way that I see the world changed the way that I live and also
This book the Ascent of Humanity. I'm halfway through reading it right now and like I said, I am broken
whenever I read a

(07:50):
deeply
Different book when I read reality transfer from for the first time it tore me apart
I actually couldn't even read it fully on my own because it hurt it genuinely hurt
It was painful to read it because it was telling me things that

(08:11):
Went completely against the way that I thought the world worked and that's probably why most people will never
Try to even learn any of the truth because they don't want to go through that pain
They don't want to go through that suffering, but after I finished reading Transurfing. I'm so glad I did it
It is so amazing. It's it's just I I cannot even comprehend going back to the life that I lived before

(08:38):
Transurfing and now I'm reading the Ascent of Humanity and I'm suffering
I'm going through the pain because this book is all about doom and gloom. It's exposing the reality, but I
Heard that it's it leaves you feeling optimistic and it leaves you feeling inspired
I read all the quotes of other people their reviews on the book and

(09:04):
They said that it paints a dark picture of our reality, but it leaves you feeling inspired and hopeful and full I
Have not gotten to the part of the book that leaves me feeling inspired and hopeful and full
I've only read the doom and gloom the suffering the just terrible picture of the book and it makes me

(09:26):
It makes me feel so much pain because it is exposing all the truths that I kind of
vaguely
Felt throughout my life, but I was never able to put my finger to it
Maybe not throughout my life, but at least over the past couple years when I started to wake up to the

(09:47):
terrible
Reality of our world of our condition and I still don't even understand what I'm saying right now
If you think that I know what I'm talking about you are deeply wrong. I have no clue what I'm saying
I am 18 years old. I have I've read a couple books
I have no idea what I'm saying, but I do know that it hurts to learn what I'm learning and

(10:13):
I but I like it. I like it. I don't like I don't like
Feeling the pain, but I like how I am learning stuff that people will never learn on their own and
People are just gonna stay in the suffering in the misery and that's that's what I used to do and it sucked
but I like how I'm

(10:35):
I'm getting to a different level of being and
This book is
Putting me in I'm going through the phase where it's all just pain. It's all suffering
But I
Just want to get through this book. I want to get through this book so that I can focus on making better videos again and

(11:00):
Put all my energy into making better videos
And that's why I basically stopped
Yesterday was the first day that I completely stopped the production of video creation
I have one video called I
Carved out a piece of nature for you and there's like five other titles of that video, but that video is gonna go up

(11:23):
tomorrow right now is
August 30th and tomorrow is
the 31st Saturday of August and it's going up tomorrow, but I'm probably not gonna create another video at least until
Potentially I get back from California
and this is gonna be my first week in a long time that I miss and upload and

(11:50):
It's it's hard because
It's safe. It's gotten some point where it's actually safe for me to upload another video
But I just I'm just so sick and tired of posting
Garbage content. I'm so sick and tired of putting
30 hours and 40 hours into a video and it getting 20 views. I'm so sick and tired of I

(12:15):
literally came up with a thousand video ideas and
I narrowed it down to the 20 best video ideas and I sent them to
two people and only one idea was chosen by both of them as the best and you know what that idea
You know how many views that video got

(12:36):
I got 20 I got 20 views
That's worse than the first video I ever made
I'm that's it's this is not me quitting. This is not me
This is just me getting pissed off at myself for accepting subpar
content subpar quality and there's a quote how

(12:58):
How Alex from Ozy said you're in a season of learning not earning the traditional
the traditional
pathway to success is to go to school college for four years and then oftentimes for an extra four years after that and
Then you start earning money. You don't start earning money until you get a degree

(13:22):
Which is a symbol of the fact that you learned stuff and
And I've been trying to just
Cash out now, which is why I completely cut out the course last month
I was super thrilled with making my first dollar online
And I'm glad I did that because that proved to me that you can't actually make money online

(13:45):
I've heard that it's true. I've seen that it's true, but I never experienced the truth myself
But now I know you can make money online, but I don't care anymore. I'm I
tried to cash out too early and
That's why I don't care about making money this morning someone said oh you got ads on your video now

(14:09):
You're making money. No, I'm not making money
Stop trying to stop focusing on the money. I hate when I get deluded by others people other people's
stupid small worldview that makes me change my worldview and

(14:30):
Look listen to how intolerant I am right now. I'm a broken person. I don't even the reason okay
My issue right now is that I know that I'm broken
I know that I'm intolerant and I know that I have so much self-importance
But I don't know how to fix it and no one in no one around me knows what I'm experiencing and no one knows how to fix it

(14:56):
but I stopped worrying about money and
I'm focused on learning and that's what I'm saying is
When I go through I'm going through a period where I don't care about producing content anymore because my YouTube mentor actually said that
My execution on videos has gotten a thousand times better than it used to be in fact

(15:20):
He actually alluded to
Saying that his or my execution is actually better than what he could do with my style of content
Now he makes completely different style of content. So obviously his execution is better than mine, but he alluded to
Making me think that my execution is not the issue with my content

(15:44):
Obviously, I still have work to do with the execution
But the fact that I got 3,000 views on a video that I can definitely make a lot better now
Shows that something is
There's a different bottleneck that's holding me back than execution. Yes, my execution still needs work
It will always need to improve

(16:05):
But
There's something different
That focusing on that thing will improve my content
so much more than
Just worrying about execution, which is what I've been doing and that thing I believe is three things which is the idea and

(16:26):
The packaging which inside the packaging is title and thumbnail. So the idea title and thumbnail and
And the reason why I believe that is because my most viewed video was actually supposed to only get a hundred views
but I changed the title and
It got it ended up getting 3,000 views. It blew up because I changed the title

(16:48):
but
That doesn't always work because sometimes the idea is fundamentally flawed for example in
This video that I just made
Or the video that I posted was the ancient sorcerers method for infinite discipline that got 20 views

(17:09):
20 views and I changed the title plenty of times and there are three different thumbnails
So, I mean yes the thumbnail and the title could still be flawed because I didn't come up with a good one
Which is another re another it proves my point that the idea title and thumbnail are all the things that I need to focus on right now
Which is why I finish once I finish reading this book the Ascent of Humanity. I'm focusing on

(17:36):
Learning YouTube because it takes four years for most people to start being able to earn money
Four years to earn a degree to go to college or to go to get a job
So who am I to think that I can start earning money right now?
No, if if you are someone who is rooting for me and you think that I should be focusing on money

(17:59):
Well, then that is just silly. That's so silly to me because I
Was supposed to go down a traditional path where it would take me four years to start earning money
Who am I to think that I can start earning money?
Only one one year into this I should be in a classroom right now. It is Friday
the

(18:20):
at 9 a.m.
Friday August 30th at 9 a.m. I should be sitting in a college
Classroom a college lecture hall. I should be listening to a professor
spew a bunch of information into my face
For four more years before I start earning money. So who am I to think that I can start earning money today?

(18:43):
No, I have to learn
and another quote that proves this to me is a
Microsoft executive was
said that a
Elite or not even elite but a professional expert level programmer is worth a

(19:05):
Thousand times better or a thousand times more than an average programmer
because of the quality of his ideas
the
expert the expert level programmer simply understands the thing better and comes up with better ideas a
Lot of the YouTube gurus that I listen to they say that coming up with ideas is simply just a

(19:31):
Quantity game you have to come up with so many ideas
But I came up with a thousand ideas and you know how much views that got me
20 20 views so that proved that in combination with the quote of the
Expert programmer is worth a thousand times more that proves to me
That is not just quantity of ideas because mr. Beese could take one look at my channel and come up with

(19:54):
two ideas in the next 10 seconds and
the worst idea of
the worst idea
would get a
Million times more views than if I came up with a thousand ideas and chose the best one
And my proof is that I got 20 views by doing just that and I'm sure mr. Beese since he has spent

(20:20):
Hundred or put tens of thousands potentially hundreds. I don't even know if that's possible hundreds of thousands
but he spent tens of thousands of hours studying YouTube and
and working on YouTube that
He is the equivalent of an expert programmer which makes him so much more valuable
If I was able to use his brain for 10 seconds

(20:43):
The ideas that I could extract from 10 seconds of his brain would be worth a
billion times more than the ideas I could extract from my own brain in
10 hours and
Even 10 years from the this standpoint of where I'm at that's simply because he is better

(21:06):
He's just better. He understands it more. He spent more time learning it. I've literally
Barely ever studied YouTube only for a few hours a day for a spurts of a couple weeks at a time
I've not really devoted that much effort or energy into studying or learning YouTube and
And that's why I am not focused on earning money anymore or

(21:32):
Producing videos anymore. Yes, I still should and I still will produce videos because
You're simply not gonna learn just by studying you have to actually apply it, but
There's an 80-20 rule I
Have been going by the rule of
spend 80% of your time

(21:53):
Working on the thing and then only 20% of the time learning about the thing
However, I want to swap it to its extreme. I want to spend not 80% of my time learning
I want to spend the majority like 95% of my time learning about the thing because

(22:14):
That's exactly what
That's one thing that the school system probably got right the fact that you have to learn a bunch of stuff
In order to actually produce something you have to actually become a professional in order to actually be a professional
And I am no professional. I'm making YouTube videos that get 20 views and

(22:37):
I just have to learn that's it
Now I
Am not advocating for the school system because it turns you into a factory worker
That is literally the purpose of the school system. That's why it was created. That's Henry Ford and a few other people
went through the trouble of

(22:58):
Creating the school system education system so that they can get people to work a
mindless tedious job like a factory job or even like a
knowledge
Like a classic H. Let's say for example like a classic HR
Desk you sit at a desk and type all day or not even HR, but a classic office job

(23:20):
You sit at a desk and type all day and do mundane activities all day
They made the education system so that they could basically
Chip away at our humanity so that we would be okay with spending 40 hours or 40 hours a week for 40 years
doing that tedious thing, but if you

(23:42):
actually knew
what
People know for example if you started reading books like
Unscripted by MJ DeMarco and you read a book called reality
Transurfing and you read a book called the Ascent of Humanity you would not accept that fate
It's just a fact a the education system

(24:02):
They teach you a book they teach you a very selective curriculum and look at me listen to me listen to the 18 year old kid
Who's preaching about the education is a educational system? I have no idea what I'm talking about
but
Yeah, I don't even know what to talk about so don't even listen to me. I
Am just checking my list

(24:26):
Yeah, basically I think I got through everything I'm not focused on I'm not even gonna say how many subs I got because I
Have gotten so hurt
Over the past couple months or not the past couple months this past month
I got so hurt that I did not gain as many subs as I thought I did. I'm pretty sure I gained six subscribers

(24:47):
I got like that hurt me and that is so unacceptable to me because I'm literally focusing on the result
Why would I care if I got six?
Six subscribers when I was proud of getting 40 subscribers last month that is so ridiculous
Especially because there are literally seven billion

(25:10):
people on this planet and I care about a couple
Ten I care about ten like even if I had millions of subscribers
It would still be ridiculous to focus on the results
I have become so deluded over the past month and honestly over the past couple years
My entire life is just a delusion everything that I've believed in is just so

(25:35):
Wrong so fundamentally wrong
Everything if if I see myself as something separate from the universe
The hunter-gatherers used to the hunter-gatherers see
the world as sacred they see everything as sacred as
They see if a hunter-gatherers wife

(25:58):
Got sick he would go to the doctor and say I am sick
Why not because he will get sick. That's that's our
simpleton
Observation that's our simple to observe
interpretation of that event no he says that I am sick because
He is his wife. He is the other he is everything

(26:24):
What I mean by that is
We are not just some individual and then everyone else is a other
That's our simpleton. That's why we're so miserable in our society. That's why I'm miserable because I don't know others any other
I don't know any other way of life other than that
That's why it hurts so much reading these books because it's stripping every ounce of identity that I had for me

(26:49):
And he hasn't given me a new one yet
He hasn't given me a new identity to latch on to so or at least he said he he said that you're supposed to see yourself as
One with nature like I am nature. I you're not some individual
A separate from the universe you are the universe. That's so abstract to me

(27:14):
I don't even understand what that means. I don't understand how to apply that which is why it's so painful to read these books
but it just it makes so much sense to me when I'm reading his books why
there's so much suffering in the world and
a lot of people are gonna listen to this and they're gonna think that I have become deluded because there's a

(27:36):
there's a there's a common thing amongst
Religion of thinking that if anyone deviates from the norm which the norm is believing in
God or believing in Jesus as the only God or I don't know what the norm is
but if you deviate from whatever the

(27:59):
Stated norm was if you deviate from what the authorities say is what you're supposed to believe in then people call you
All kinds of strange things
but the fact is that I used to be in that camp and I learned some things and so I kind of
brushed away a little piece of my veil of ignorance and I've seen a brighter world on the other side and

(28:26):
I
Don't even know I'm gonna end the thing right now. I have no idea what I'm talking about
I'm still trying to come up with what I'm still trying to figure out
What this is I'm still trying to figure out what I'm even talking about. I'm trying to figure out what what life is why
Everyone is so miserable why I'm still miserable even though not I'm not miserable. There's no here's one thing I

(28:54):
was miserable
spending hours every day doing entertainment. I am not miserable anymore a couple months ago. I was
Extremely happy. I was humming. I was singing. I was super
Happy, but now I'm just kind of neutral. I'm not I'm not miserable to where I was with

(29:15):
Entertainment because entertainment is literally the worst thing
humanity has invented and I'm not talking about
Olden days entertainment. I'm talking about how we literally know ourselves and turn off our brain the very notion of
entertainment is a good entertaining piece of content is

(29:36):
Supposed to distract yourself from your reality. That's why people call some movies good
That's why you recommend a great movie because it basically turned off your brain and you were able to completely
Immers yourself into that experience. That is so evil
And I don't know why but I think that there's something wrong because I used to watch entertainment all the time and listen to that stuff

(30:03):
and it left me feeling
Genuinely hurt
But I've seen what there could be on the other side for a brief moment of time
and I
Don't know how to get back to it currently, but I'm on a quest to get back to it

(30:27):
I'm not sure what I'm even saying. Goodbye. I