November 3, 2025 • 27 mins
A thirteen-year-old can now decide who sees their records in many states, and too often that means dad gets locked out. We pull back the curtain on how policy, portals, and a feelings-first mindset are reshaping family dynamics in clinics, counseling rooms, and courtrooms—and why active father involvement remains one of the strongest predictors of a child’s long-term wellbeing.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (01:02):
The number one determining factor of your child
growing up to be a healthy,functioning adult is that an
active and present father is intheir lives.
Yet the cultural narrative nowremote rewards emotional
validation and punishes.
If you're the dad insisting onclear rules, you've seen as
(01:23):
controlling, right?
If you question what yourchild's therapist is
withholding, or if you questionwhy your chair child's therapist
is withholding information,you're seen as intrusive.
If you simply ask to be informedabout medications or diagnoses,
diagnoses, you're the problem,you're the quote unquote problem
parent.
And all this gets justifiedunder the banner of protecting
(01:47):
the child's autonomy.
The truth is it's not autonomybeing protected ideology.
An ideology that says kids knowbest.
Fathers are optional, andfeelings trump facts.
It's an ideology that makes dadsinvisible in their own child's
(02:08):
health and development.
Hello and welcome to the show.
Thank you so much for listeningin this week.
I sincerely appreciate it.
(02:45):
But before we jump into that, asusual, I want to welcome the new
members to the divorced advocatecommunity.
We've got quite a few this week: Tamer, Charlie, Ryan, Hadley, (02:52):
undefined
Fisher, and Nate.
Welcome to the Divorced Advocatecommunity.
If you are not already part ofit, check out thedivorced
advocate.com.
We've got lots of great thingsgoing on, particularly some of
the QA sessions that we havethat are that are happening.
(03:14):
Check out the events page, theevents tab on the website.
It's got everything that we'vegot going on every single week.
We've got multiple things goingon most every every week.
So get the get all of theresources that you need and you
deserve there.
We've got stuff from free topaid resources, but wherever
(03:36):
you're at, whatever you need,we've got something for you.
At thedivorced advocate.com.
All right, fellas, if you're adivorced or divorcing father,
you already know that the deckis stacked.
The legal system often views usdads as secondary parents.
The courts lean towards quoteunquote stability, usually
(03:59):
meaning mom, right?
And even when you're the oneshowing up, paying the bills,
and trying to keep structure,you're the one labeled quote
unquote authoritarian.
Now, as I mentioned, there's anew threat creeping into the
picture, one that hides behindbuzzwords like autonomy,
privacy, and feelings, givingminors as young as 13 years old,
(04:22):
like I said, the legal power torestrict parents from accessing
their medical or mental healthrecords.
It was actually a shock to mewhen here in Colorado, where I
reside, when my oldest turned 13and I logged in to make an
appointment, a medicalappointment for her.
(04:43):
She wasn't even driving yet andwas not able to access her
account and actually had to sitdown with her and figure out how
to get this account to where Iwas able to just simply schedule
an appointment for her.
So on the surface, this wholethis whole idea sounds
compassionate.
(05:04):
Let teens have control overtheir own care, right?
But underneath it's reckless.
And for fathers already fightinguphill battle uphill battles,
it's another way to cut out yourchildren's, to be cut out of
your children's lives.
So what we're going to do, whatI'm going to do today is I'm
going to break this down andbreak down why this trend is
(05:24):
dangerous, not onlyscientifically, but legally,
socially, and practically, andwhat dads, what we need to be
doing about it.
So first, let's start with thescience.
13-year-olds, let's just flatout, are not equipped for adult
level decision making.
(05:45):
This isn't a matter of opinionor politics, it's just biology.
The adolescent brain is stillunder construction, particularly
the parts responsible forjudgment, impulse control, and
wing long-term consequences, theprefrontal cortex, right?
(06:06):
The National Institute of MentalHealth has pointed out that
adolescent brains showsignificantly lower activity in
the areas that manage risk andimpulse control, like pre-con,
like the prefrontal cortex.
That's the part of the brainthat says, quote unquote, think
before you act, right?
(06:27):
It's also the part that doesn'tfully mature until your early to
mid-20s.
There's a 2012 review titledDecision Making in the
Adolescent Brain that confirmsteens process decisions more
emotionally than logically.
They're more sensitive toimmediate rewards and less
(06:48):
likely to consider long-termoutcomes.
The American Academy of Childand Adolescent Psychiatry says
flat out, this is a quote,adolescents acted differently
from adults.
They are more emotional, moreimpulsive, and more likely to
make decisions based on feelingsrather than facts.
So when a therapist or aninsurance company tells you your
(07:12):
13-year-old should have controlover their own records because
we need to respect theirfeelings, what they're really
doing is letting emotionalemotion rule over evidence.
Yes, feelings matter, but theycan't replace parental
oversight, especially when thechild's brain literally isn't
(07:34):
wired to make adult-levelmedical or psychological
decisions.
Respecting our kiddo's voicesdoesn't mean surrendering our
responsibility as a parent.
So, what actually is happeningin healthcare and insurance?
Across the country, hospitals,clinics, and insurance companies
(07:56):
are quietly shifting policies.
They're enabling teens,sometimes as young as 13, to
manage parts of their medicalinformation on their own.
For instance, in Washingtonstate, once a teen turns 13,
parents lose automatic access totheir child's medical
(08:16):
information related to mentalhealth, reproductive health, or
substance use.
The same thing is happening inCalifornia, it's happening in
Oregon, and as I mentioned, it'shappened here in Colorado, where
portals like my chartautomatically limit parental
access once the child reaches 12or 13.
(08:37):
And it's being done under theumbrella of HIPAA's privacy
rule, which states that parentsare the default personal
representatives for minors,except in cases where the minor
can consent to their own careunder state law, or when
confidentiality is consideredessential to the
(08:58):
provider-patient relationship.
Now, look, this soundsreasonable, maybe in some very
narrow circumstances, abuse,sexual health concerns, stuff
like that.
But what's happening, it'sbecome the new normal across
entire systems.
And this is the problem.
(09:18):
And most parents don't evenrealize it until they, like I
did, log into the online portaland one day and find that half
their child's records are grayedout, which is absolute insanity.
So imagine you're paying for theinsurance, you're the one
driving your child toappointments, but you can't even
see what medications are on orwhat a therapist is advising.
(09:41):
It's absolutely absurd and it'sabsolutely dangerous.
Because when us as parents arelocked out, accountability
disappears.
So how is how's this trendplaying out in therapy?
The whole we need to respecttheir feelings thing.
And I'm I we get in thisconversation oftentimes in our
(10:04):
group meetings, and guys talkingabout either taking their kids
to therapy or court-orderedtherapy.
And the therapeutic communityhas embraced this cultural shift
that sounds noble, but can anddoes, I'm telling you, it does.
I can't, I there's so manystories that that are being
(10:25):
shared in the community.
Uh it goes easily off the rails.
The the quote unquote, we needto respect your child's
feelings.
And of course, we need torespect our child child's
feelings, but respectingfeelings isn't the same as
letting those feelings dictatedecisions with real world
consequences.
Therapists today areincreasingly treating teenagers
(10:48):
as independent clients, even inthe context of family breakdowns
and shutting parents out toquote unquote protect the
therapeutic alliance.
I got into that specificallywith one particular therapist
myself.
Now, this sounds socompassionate, right, in
textbook situations, but in reallife, it's an absolute perfect
(11:11):
storm.
A 13-year-old can say, I don'twant dad in my sessions.
Maybe because, of course, dadenforces curfew.
Dad takes away the phone, or dadexpects chores.
The therapist operating underthe respect the client's
autonomy agrees.
Then dad becomes the outsider,right?
(11:33):
What happens next?
That same quote-unquote autonomygets used as evidence in custody
battles.
Therapist notes or coin a pet orcoin appointed evaluators start
saying the child feels unsafe orcontrolled around the dad.
But what they're reallydescribing is basically a father
(11:55):
who parents, who setsboundaries, and expects
accountability.
And this is what's going tohappen all the time.
The courts are looking forcover.
They want a third party to tellthem what their opinion is, and
they're going to take theopinion of that third party so
they don't have accountability.
(12:15):
So this quote-unquote feelingsfirst culture undermines not
only discipline, but also ourbasic parental involvement.
And it gives teenagers who aredevelopmentally driven by
emotion and rebellion enormousleverage in family disputes.
(12:36):
So I think you're starting tosee a picture of what this
transpires to and the problemsthat it can that it can pose.
So the family courts, let's talkabout the family courts and what
is is now starting to becodified, and we're seeing we're
seeing in this therapeutic uhcommunity the quote unquote
(12:56):
authoritarian father trap iswhat I call it.
If you've been through custodycourt, you already know how this
plays out, right?
When a child complains that dadis quote unquote strict or quote
unquote doesn't listen, that'sthe one that I got all the time.
You don't listen.
The system tends to label thatas authoritarian, especially,
(13:17):
and here's where it becomesproblematic, if the mother or
therapist reinforces this.
Meanwhile, mom's leniency oremotional alignment with the
teen is labeled nurturing.
So this is this is where thingsare are really really
digressing.
It's good to have dads to whocreate structure, who are
(13:42):
creating discipline, helpingkids focus towards the future,
right?
It's also good to have motherswho are in tune with their
emotionally aligned withchildren, providing support,
etc.
That is nurturing.
So being authoritative, beingnurturing, those are two things,
two different separate thingsthat parents bring that are good
(14:03):
and healthy.
The problem is this now isbecoming a dynamic where the
authoritarian is being viewed asnegative and this nurturing,
quote unquote, nurturing isactually leniency and is not
benefiting the kids.
It's a dynamic that now is beingdocumented repeatedly.
(14:24):
There's a 2024 study from theUniversity of Ottawa
highlighting systemic biasagainst fathers and family
courts, noting that men whoenforce boundaries are often
(16:03):
portrayed as quote-unquotecontrolling or quote unquote
rigid, while mothers exhibitingthe same behaviors are seen as
quote-unquote protective.
Do you see what's happeninghere, fellas?
So because teens today are beingtold they have a right to
medical and emotional privacyfrom their parents, their
(16:25):
quote-unquote feelings canbecome legal ammunition.
So a 13-year-old says, quote, Idon't want dad to know what I'm
talking about in therapy, endquote.
That sentiment can be turnedinto dad doesn't respect
boundaries, or dad makes meuncomfortable, right?
These are just feelingstatements.
(16:48):
Suddenly, what starts as whatstarted as a simple request for
accountability from your teenforced into a case for
restricted parenting time.
And fellas, I I don't mean toscare you, but I do mean for you
to really start to pay attentionto this stuff because it can
(17:09):
sneak up on you, particularly ifyou're not involved in what's
going on in therapy.
And this isn't hypothetical.
Family law attorneys across thecountry report a rising number
of cases where fathers areaccused of being too demanding
or emotionally unsafe becausethey question a therapist's
approach or ask to reviewmedical records.
(17:31):
It is upside down.
The parent most concerned abouthis child's welfare gets
portrayed as the problem.
And I remember being, I rememberin one of the reports to the
court, the therapist saying,I've never seen such a strict
dad, where it was simply justvery simple, basic rules in the
(17:51):
house around chores and doinghomework and bedtimes and stuff
like that, which really isinsanity when that is reviewed
as strict or authoritarian.
So let's now talk about whatthis ripple effect is from the
standpoint of healthcare policyto the fatherhood crisis.
(18:15):
When these medical andtherapeutic systems start
redefining parental roles, whichis what is happening now, the
consequences go beyond justprivacy and HIPAA.
They hit at the heart offatherhood.
And we already have what WarrenFarrell calls the boy crisis,
which is an excellent book ifyou if you haven't uh if you
(18:36):
haven't already read it.
An epidemic, and what the boycrisis is, is an epidemic of
fatherlessness driving higherrates of depression, addiction,
school dropouts, and evensuicide among young men.
But this crisis isn't limited toboys.
Daughters, too, need fathers whostay engaged, consistent, and
accountable.
(18:56):
Every shred of evidence,studies, surveys, and everything
else show that the number onedetermining factor of your child
growing up to be a healthy,functioning adult is that an
active and present father is intheir lives.
Yet the cultural narrative nowremote rewards emotional
(19:19):
validation and punishesstructure.
If you're the dad insisting onclear rules, you've already seen
you're already seen ascontrolling, right?
If you question what yourchild's therapist is with, or if
you question why your chairchild's therapist is withholding
information, you're seen asintrusive.
If you simply ask to be informedabout medications or diagnoses,
(19:44):
diagnoses, you're the problem,you're the quote unquote problem
parent, right?
And all this gets justifiedunder the banner of protecting
the child's autonomy.
The truth is it's not autonomybeing protected, it's an
ideology.
An ideology that says kids knowbest because fathers are
(20:07):
optional and feelings trumpfacts.
It's an ideology that makes dadsinvisible in their own child's
health and development.
Okay.
I know that's a lot, and itshould worry you, and it
hopefully it's gonna perk you upto pay attention.
But what can we do if we canfight smart and not just loud?
(20:31):
You're not gonna be we're notgonna be able to change the
system overnight.
But what we can do is we canoutsmart it and we can outlast
it.
And here are seven ways that youcan do that.
The first and most importantabout everything in your divorce
pre-during or post is know yourrights and know your state's
(20:56):
laws.
If you've been on one of ourcalls, if you've done any of our
workshops, if you've been inindividual coaching with me, you
hear me talk about it everytime.
You've got to get up to speed oneverything that is divorced
regarding your state's laws andstatutes.
Every state defines this minorconsent thing differently.
In some parents retain fullaccess until age 18.
(21:19):
In others, like my state,exceptions start as early as 12.
Here it was 13, but some it's asearly as 12, which is absolute
insanity.
So don't guess or just ask yourchild's provider and get the
policy in writing.
Number two, get access early andin writing.
When you first sign medical ortherapy forms, specify that both
(21:43):
parents are to have full accessto information.
Don't assume joint legal custodyguarantees it.
I get this all the time.
Sometimes the healthcare systemdefaults to one parent or to the
child.
I get this in the school systemall the time.
They are not set up and they'renot structured to notify both
parents, and you literally haveto harp and harp and harp on
(22:05):
them until they get it set upthe right way.
So get access early and do it inwriting if possible.
Number three, document yourinvolvement.
Keep records of appointments,communicate communications, and
costs you cover.
If you're ever accused of beingdisengaged, your receipts and
emails become your evidence.
(22:27):
Number four, build therelationship, not the case.
Hugely important.
We're going to talk a little bitabout, you know, this was hugely
important.
And I want you to pay attentionof all these seven.
Talk to your kids directly andcalmly about why you want to be
involved.
And the best way and probablythe easiest way is to frame it
(22:51):
as love, which it is.
It's not control, it is love.
Saying something like, I careabout what's happening so I can
support you, not spy on you.
Teens can smell defensiveness,they respect consistency.
So if you're you're framing itas, hey, you're you are there to
(23:11):
support them and be there forthem and that you love them,
that is why they that is why youwant to be involved with what's
going on with them.
So hopefully you've created anenvironment where they feel
comfortable and they alreadyknow.
When I did it, and when thispopped up with my 13-year-old,
it was real simple.
And and she was almost assurprised as I was that this was
(23:33):
something that was in fact alaw.
Number five, stay composed.
The system punishes fathers wholose their cool.
And we just don't want to dothat.
Stay firm, stay factual, staycollected.
Every outburst gets labeled asaggression, but every calm
(23:54):
question builds credibility.
So stay cool.
Six, work with your lawyer, makesure your parenting plan and
court orders clearly spell outjoint access to all medical and
educational records.
If the therapist or providerrefuses, your lawyer can issue a
four your lawyer can issue aformal notice.
(24:16):
Number seven, push fortransparency and therapy.
This is pro this is huge, Iwould say, after number four,
with the relationship.
(24:38):
Therapists that care about theholistic health of your child,
understand that parentsinvolvement, particularly father
involvement, is critical andimportant.
If you're getting pushback andyou are being iced out of the uh
(24:59):
of the process, then that is ared flag for you to pay
attention and either push thetopic, push the subject with uh
with the therapist, or find anew one.
And unfortunately, I've I've hadto do that.
So it's not fun, it'suncomfortable, and it may take
you having to go to court to doso.
(25:21):
But I can tell you the harm thatcan be done in therapy, like
I've laid out in the first halfof this episode, is insane if
you don't fight that fight andfind them somewhere that is that
understands the benefit ofhaving their father involved in
their life.
All right.
(25:41):
So what's the bigger fig?
What's the what's the bigpicture here, fellas?
We're not just fighting foraccess to paperwork.
So I hope that wasn't that's notnot what I've been not what I've
been saying, and I hope that Igot that across.
We're fighting for a place inour children's lives.
When uh when the healthcaresystem, when the therapists,
(26:03):
when the courts decide that a13-year-old should be shielded
from her own father, they're notprotecting her, they're
undermining the foundation thatkeeps her safe.
Structure, accountability, andparental involvement aren't
control.
They're love in action.
A father who shows up, asks hardquestions, and demands
(26:26):
transparency isn't the enemy.
He's the anchor.
As fathers, we need to pushback.
We can do it calmly, we can doit clearly, but do it
unapologetically, dads.
This isn't about politics orego.
It's about protecting our kidsfrom a system that's confusing
privacy with abandonment andfeelings with facts.
(26:50):
Because when the adults stopleading, the kids stop growing.
So stand your ground, dad.
Be informed, be steady, bepresent, and never apologize for
being the parent your kidsactually need.
Fellas, I hope that you foundsome value in this today.
I hope that you heed my warningwith this.
(27:13):
If you have found some value,please share this far and wide.
This is a very, very importanttopic.
We're talking about more andmore in the community.
It's something that's going tobe coming that has come up on
our parental elimination QA's.
So jump on those to listen howto counter some of this stuff.
Leave us a star rating, leave usa comment.
(27:36):
Let's grow.
Podcast downloads are up 25%over the last couple of months.
You guys are doing a great jobof sharing this and getting the
word out, and I sincerelyappreciate it.
Please have a terrific week andGod bless.
The number one determining factor of your child
growing up to be a healthy,functioning adult is that an
active and present father is intheir lives.
Yet the cultural narrative nowremote rewards emotional
validation and punishes.
If you're the dad insisting onclear rules, you've seen as
(01:23):
controlling, right?
If you question what yourchild's therapist is
withholding, or if you questionwhy your chair child's therapist
is withholding information,you're seen as intrusive.
If you simply ask to be informedabout medications or diagnoses,
diagnoses, you're the problem,you're the quote unquote problem
parent.
And all this gets justifiedunder the banner of protecting
(01:47):
the child's autonomy.
The truth is it's not autonomybeing protected ideology.
An ideology that says kids knowbest.
Fathers are optional, andfeelings trump facts.
It's an ideology that makes dadsinvisible in their own child's
(02:08):
health and development.
Hello and welcome to the show.
Thank you so much for listeningin this week.
I sincerely appreciate it.
(02:45):
But before we jump into that, asusual, I want to welcome the new
members to the divorced advocatecommunity.
We've got quite a few this week: Tamer, Charlie, Ryan, Hadley, (02:52):
undefined
Fisher, and Nate.
Welcome to the Divorced Advocatecommunity.
If you are not already part ofit, check out thedivorced
advocate.com.
We've got lots of great thingsgoing on, particularly some of
the QA sessions that we havethat are that are happening.
(03:14):
Check out the events page, theevents tab on the website.
It's got everything that we'vegot going on every single week.
We've got multiple things goingon most every every week.
So get the get all of theresources that you need and you
deserve there.
We've got stuff from free topaid resources, but wherever
(03:36):
you're at, whatever you need,we've got something for you.
At thedivorced advocate.com.
All right, fellas, if you're adivorced or divorcing father,
you already know that the deckis stacked.
The legal system often views usdads as secondary parents.
The courts lean towards quoteunquote stability, usually
(03:59):
meaning mom, right?
And even when you're the oneshowing up, paying the bills,
and trying to keep structure,you're the one labeled quote
unquote authoritarian.
Now, as I mentioned, there's anew threat creeping into the
picture, one that hides behindbuzzwords like autonomy,
privacy, and feelings, givingminors as young as 13 years old,
(04:22):
like I said, the legal power torestrict parents from accessing
their medical or mental healthrecords.
It was actually a shock to mewhen here in Colorado, where I
reside, when my oldest turned 13and I logged in to make an
appointment, a medicalappointment for her.
(04:43):
She wasn't even driving yet andwas not able to access her
account and actually had to sitdown with her and figure out how
to get this account to where Iwas able to just simply schedule
an appointment for her.
So on the surface, this wholethis whole idea sounds
compassionate.
(05:04):
Let teens have control overtheir own care, right?
But underneath it's reckless.
And for fathers already fightinguphill battle uphill battles,
it's another way to cut out yourchildren's, to be cut out of
your children's lives.
So what we're going to do, whatI'm going to do today is I'm
going to break this down andbreak down why this trend is
(05:24):
dangerous, not onlyscientifically, but legally,
socially, and practically, andwhat dads, what we need to be
doing about it.
So first, let's start with thescience.
13-year-olds, let's just flatout, are not equipped for adult
level decision making.
(05:45):
This isn't a matter of opinionor politics, it's just biology.
The adolescent brain is stillunder construction, particularly
the parts responsible forjudgment, impulse control, and
wing long-term consequences, theprefrontal cortex, right?
(06:06):
The National Institute of MentalHealth has pointed out that
adolescent brains showsignificantly lower activity in
the areas that manage risk andimpulse control, like pre-con,
like the prefrontal cortex.
That's the part of the brainthat says, quote unquote, think
before you act, right?
(06:27):
It's also the part that doesn'tfully mature until your early to
mid-20s.
There's a 2012 review titledDecision Making in the
Adolescent Brain that confirmsteens process decisions more
emotionally than logically.
They're more sensitive toimmediate rewards and less
(06:48):
likely to consider long-termoutcomes.
The American Academy of Childand Adolescent Psychiatry says
flat out, this is a quote,adolescents acted differently
from adults.
They are more emotional, moreimpulsive, and more likely to
make decisions based on feelingsrather than facts.
So when a therapist or aninsurance company tells you your
(07:12):
13-year-old should have controlover their own records because
we need to respect theirfeelings, what they're really
doing is letting emotionalemotion rule over evidence.
Yes, feelings matter, but theycan't replace parental
oversight, especially when thechild's brain literally isn't
(07:34):
wired to make adult-levelmedical or psychological
decisions.
Respecting our kiddo's voicesdoesn't mean surrendering our
responsibility as a parent.
So, what actually is happeningin healthcare and insurance?
Across the country, hospitals,clinics, and insurance companies
(07:56):
are quietly shifting policies.
They're enabling teens,sometimes as young as 13, to
manage parts of their medicalinformation on their own.
For instance, in Washingtonstate, once a teen turns 13,
parents lose automatic access totheir child's medical
(08:16):
information related to mentalhealth, reproductive health, or
substance use.
The same thing is happening inCalifornia, it's happening in
Oregon, and as I mentioned, it'shappened here in Colorado, where
portals like my chartautomatically limit parental
access once the child reaches 12or 13.
(08:37):
And it's being done under theumbrella of HIPAA's privacy
rule, which states that parentsare the default personal
representatives for minors,except in cases where the minor
can consent to their own careunder state law, or when
confidentiality is consideredessential to the
(08:58):
provider-patient relationship.
Now, look, this soundsreasonable, maybe in some very
narrow circumstances, abuse,sexual health concerns, stuff
like that.
But what's happening, it'sbecome the new normal across
entire systems.
And this is the problem.
(09:18):
And most parents don't evenrealize it until they, like I
did, log into the online portaland one day and find that half
their child's records are grayedout, which is absolute insanity.
So imagine you're paying for theinsurance, you're the one
driving your child toappointments, but you can't even
see what medications are on orwhat a therapist is advising.
(09:41):
It's absolutely absurd and it'sabsolutely dangerous.
Because when us as parents arelocked out, accountability
disappears.
So how is how's this trendplaying out in therapy?
The whole we need to respecttheir feelings thing.
And I'm I we get in thisconversation oftentimes in our
(10:04):
group meetings, and guys talkingabout either taking their kids
to therapy or court-orderedtherapy.
And the therapeutic communityhas embraced this cultural shift
that sounds noble, but can anddoes, I'm telling you, it does.
I can't, I there's so manystories that that are being
(10:25):
shared in the community.
Uh it goes easily off the rails.
The the quote unquote, we needto respect your child's
feelings.
And of course, we need torespect our child child's
feelings, but respectingfeelings isn't the same as
letting those feelings dictatedecisions with real world
consequences.
Therapists today areincreasingly treating teenagers
(10:48):
as independent clients, even inthe context of family breakdowns
and shutting parents out toquote unquote protect the
therapeutic alliance.
I got into that specificallywith one particular therapist
myself.
Now, this sounds socompassionate, right, in
textbook situations, but in reallife, it's an absolute perfect
(11:11):
storm.
A 13-year-old can say, I don'twant dad in my sessions.
Maybe because, of course, dadenforces curfew.
Dad takes away the phone, or dadexpects chores.
The therapist operating underthe respect the client's
autonomy agrees.
Then dad becomes the outsider,right?
(11:33):
What happens next?
That same quote-unquote autonomygets used as evidence in custody
battles.
Therapist notes or coin a pet orcoin appointed evaluators start
saying the child feels unsafe orcontrolled around the dad.
But what they're reallydescribing is basically a father
(11:55):
who parents, who setsboundaries, and expects
accountability.
And this is what's going tohappen all the time.
The courts are looking forcover.
They want a third party to tellthem what their opinion is, and
they're going to take theopinion of that third party so
they don't have accountability.
(12:15):
So this quote-unquote feelingsfirst culture undermines not
only discipline, but also ourbasic parental involvement.
And it gives teenagers who aredevelopmentally driven by
emotion and rebellion enormousleverage in family disputes.
(12:36):
So I think you're starting tosee a picture of what this
transpires to and the problemsthat it can that it can pose.
So the family courts, let's talkabout the family courts and what
is is now starting to becodified, and we're seeing we're
seeing in this therapeutic uhcommunity the quote unquote
(12:56):
authoritarian father trap iswhat I call it.
If you've been through custodycourt, you already know how this
plays out, right?
When a child complains that dadis quote unquote strict or quote
unquote doesn't listen, that'sthe one that I got all the time.
You don't listen.
The system tends to label thatas authoritarian, especially,
(13:17):
and here's where it becomesproblematic, if the mother or
therapist reinforces this.
Meanwhile, mom's leniency oremotional alignment with the
teen is labeled nurturing.
So this is this is where thingsare are really really
digressing.
It's good to have dads to whocreate structure, who are
(13:42):
creating discipline, helpingkids focus towards the future,
right?
It's also good to have motherswho are in tune with their
emotionally aligned withchildren, providing support,
etc.
That is nurturing.
So being authoritative, beingnurturing, those are two things,
two different separate thingsthat parents bring that are good
(14:03):
and healthy.
The problem is this now isbecoming a dynamic where the
authoritarian is being viewed asnegative and this nurturing,
quote unquote, nurturing isactually leniency and is not
benefiting the kids.
It's a dynamic that now is beingdocumented repeatedly.
(14:24):
There's a 2024 study from theUniversity of Ottawa
highlighting systemic biasagainst fathers and family
courts, noting that men whoenforce boundaries are often
(16:03):
portrayed as quote-unquotecontrolling or quote unquote
rigid, while mothers exhibitingthe same behaviors are seen as
quote-unquote protective.
Do you see what's happeninghere, fellas?
So because teens today are beingtold they have a right to
medical and emotional privacyfrom their parents, their
(16:25):
quote-unquote feelings canbecome legal ammunition.
So a 13-year-old says, quote, Idon't want dad to know what I'm
talking about in therapy, endquote.
That sentiment can be turnedinto dad doesn't respect
boundaries, or dad makes meuncomfortable, right?
These are just feelingstatements.
(16:48):
Suddenly, what starts as whatstarted as a simple request for
accountability from your teenforced into a case for
restricted parenting time.
And fellas, I I don't mean toscare you, but I do mean for you
to really start to pay attentionto this stuff because it can
(17:09):
sneak up on you, particularly ifyou're not involved in what's
going on in therapy.
And this isn't hypothetical.
Family law attorneys across thecountry report a rising number
of cases where fathers areaccused of being too demanding
or emotionally unsafe becausethey question a therapist's
approach or ask to reviewmedical records.
(17:31):
It is upside down.
The parent most concerned abouthis child's welfare gets
portrayed as the problem.
And I remember being, I rememberin one of the reports to the
court, the therapist saying,I've never seen such a strict
dad, where it was simply justvery simple, basic rules in the
(17:51):
house around chores and doinghomework and bedtimes and stuff
like that, which really isinsanity when that is reviewed
as strict or authoritarian.
So let's now talk about whatthis ripple effect is from the
standpoint of healthcare policyto the fatherhood crisis.
(18:15):
When these medical andtherapeutic systems start
redefining parental roles, whichis what is happening now, the
consequences go beyond justprivacy and HIPAA.
They hit at the heart offatherhood.
And we already have what WarrenFarrell calls the boy crisis,
which is an excellent book ifyou if you haven't uh if you
(18:36):
haven't already read it.
An epidemic, and what the boycrisis is, is an epidemic of
fatherlessness driving higherrates of depression, addiction,
school dropouts, and evensuicide among young men.
But this crisis isn't limited toboys.
Daughters, too, need fathers whostay engaged, consistent, and
accountable.
(18:56):
Every shred of evidence,studies, surveys, and everything
else show that the number onedetermining factor of your child
growing up to be a healthy,functioning adult is that an
active and present father is intheir lives.
Yet the cultural narrative nowremote rewards emotional
(19:19):
validation and punishesstructure.
If you're the dad insisting onclear rules, you've already seen
you're already seen ascontrolling, right?
If you question what yourchild's therapist is with, or if
you question why your chairchild's therapist is withholding
information, you're seen asintrusive.
If you simply ask to be informedabout medications or diagnoses,
(19:44):
diagnoses, you're the problem,you're the quote unquote problem
parent, right?
And all this gets justifiedunder the banner of protecting
the child's autonomy.
The truth is it's not autonomybeing protected, it's an
ideology.
An ideology that says kids knowbest because fathers are
(20:07):
optional and feelings trumpfacts.
It's an ideology that makes dadsinvisible in their own child's
health and development.
Okay.
I know that's a lot, and itshould worry you, and it
hopefully it's gonna perk you upto pay attention.
But what can we do if we canfight smart and not just loud?
(20:31):
You're not gonna be we're notgonna be able to change the
system overnight.
But what we can do is we canoutsmart it and we can outlast
it.
And here are seven ways that youcan do that.
The first and most importantabout everything in your divorce
pre-during or post is know yourrights and know your state's
(20:56):
laws.
If you've been on one of ourcalls, if you've done any of our
workshops, if you've been inindividual coaching with me, you
hear me talk about it everytime.
You've got to get up to speed oneverything that is divorced
regarding your state's laws andstatutes.
Every state defines this minorconsent thing differently.
In some parents retain fullaccess until age 18.
(21:19):
In others, like my state,exceptions start as early as 12.
Here it was 13, but some it's asearly as 12, which is absolute
insanity.
So don't guess or just ask yourchild's provider and get the
policy in writing.
Number two, get access early andin writing.
When you first sign medical ortherapy forms, specify that both
(21:43):
parents are to have full accessto information.
Don't assume joint legal custodyguarantees it.
I get this all the time.
Sometimes the healthcare systemdefaults to one parent or to the
child.
I get this in the school systemall the time.
They are not set up and they'renot structured to notify both
parents, and you literally haveto harp and harp and harp on
(22:05):
them until they get it set upthe right way.
So get access early and do it inwriting if possible.
Number three, document yourinvolvement.
Keep records of appointments,communicate communications, and
costs you cover.
If you're ever accused of beingdisengaged, your receipts and
emails become your evidence.
(22:27):
Number four, build therelationship, not the case.
Hugely important.
We're going to talk a little bitabout, you know, this was hugely
important.
And I want you to pay attentionof all these seven.
Talk to your kids directly andcalmly about why you want to be
involved.
And the best way and probablythe easiest way is to frame it
(22:51):
as love, which it is.
It's not control, it is love.
Saying something like, I careabout what's happening so I can
support you, not spy on you.
Teens can smell defensiveness,they respect consistency.
So if you're you're framing itas, hey, you're you are there to
(23:11):
support them and be there forthem and that you love them,
that is why they that is why youwant to be involved with what's
going on with them.
So hopefully you've created anenvironment where they feel
comfortable and they alreadyknow.
When I did it, and when thispopped up with my 13-year-old,
it was real simple.
And and she was almost assurprised as I was that this was
(23:33):
something that was in fact alaw.
Number five, stay composed.
The system punishes fathers wholose their cool.
And we just don't want to dothat.
Stay firm, stay factual, staycollected.
Every outburst gets labeled asaggression, but every calm
(23:54):
question builds credibility.
So stay cool.
Six, work with your lawyer, makesure your parenting plan and
court orders clearly spell outjoint access to all medical and
educational records.
If the therapist or providerrefuses, your lawyer can issue a
four your lawyer can issue aformal notice.
(24:16):
Number seven, push fortransparency and therapy.
This is pro this is huge, Iwould say, after number four,
with the relationship.
(24:38):
Therapists that care about theholistic health of your child,
understand that parentsinvolvement, particularly father
involvement, is critical andimportant.
If you're getting pushback andyou are being iced out of the uh
(24:59):
of the process, then that is ared flag for you to pay
attention and either push thetopic, push the subject with uh
with the therapist, or find anew one.
And unfortunately, I've I've hadto do that.
So it's not fun, it'suncomfortable, and it may take
you having to go to court to doso.
(25:21):
But I can tell you the harm thatcan be done in therapy, like
I've laid out in the first halfof this episode, is insane if
you don't fight that fight andfind them somewhere that is that
understands the benefit ofhaving their father involved in
their life.
All right.
(25:41):
So what's the bigger fig?
What's the what's the bigpicture here, fellas?
We're not just fighting foraccess to paperwork.
So I hope that wasn't that's notnot what I've been not what I've
been saying, and I hope that Igot that across.
We're fighting for a place inour children's lives.
When uh when the healthcaresystem, when the therapists,
(26:03):
when the courts decide that a13-year-old should be shielded
from her own father, they're notprotecting her, they're
undermining the foundation thatkeeps her safe.
Structure, accountability, andparental involvement aren't
control.
They're love in action.
A father who shows up, asks hardquestions, and demands
(26:26):
transparency isn't the enemy.
He's the anchor.
As fathers, we need to pushback.
We can do it calmly, we can doit clearly, but do it
unapologetically, dads.
This isn't about politics orego.
It's about protecting our kidsfrom a system that's confusing
privacy with abandonment andfeelings with facts.
(26:50):
Because when the adults stopleading, the kids stop growing.
So stand your ground, dad.
Be informed, be steady, bepresent, and never apologize for
being the parent your kidsactually need.
Fellas, I hope that you foundsome value in this today.
I hope that you heed my warningwith this.
(27:13):
If you have found some value,please share this far and wide.
This is a very, very importanttopic.
We're talking about more andmore in the community.
It's something that's going tobe coming that has come up on
our parental elimination QA's.
So jump on those to listen howto counter some of this stuff.
Leave us a star rating, leave usa comment.
(27:36):
Let's grow.
Podcast downloads are up 25%over the last couple of months.
You guys are doing a great jobof sharing this and getting the
word out, and I sincerelyappreciate it.
Please have a terrific week andGod bless.
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