November 10, 2025 • 35 mins
When divorce hits, the noise gets loud—court dates, shifting routines, hard conversations, and a flood of emotions that seem to steer the day. We walk through a clear, practical path rooted in Stoicism that helps you steady the wheel: control what you can, accept what you can’t, and choose your response with intention. Instead of numbing out, we show how to use ancient tools to build very modern resilience and model strength your kids can trust.
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Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_00 (01:17):
Hello and welcome to the Divorced Dadvocate, divorce
support for dads, where we helpdads create a healthy and less
traumatic divorce.
My name is Jude Sandval, and I'myour host.
I created this podcast in thedivorced advocate community as a
result of my own high conflictdivorce, and because you as a
(01:37):
dad deserve all the resourcesnecessary to thrive through this
challenging time.
I encourage you to check out ourwebsite at
thedivorcedadvocate.com, wherethere are resources that
correspond to this episode aswell as free access to our
membership community, where youwill find live meetings, free
workshops and courses, privatediscussion groups, and more.
(02:00):
And now on to this week'sepisode.
Hello and welcome to this show.
I appreciate you being heretoday.
And we're going to be talkingabout, and I'm going to be
introducing you to the stoicphilosophy, which finds its
origins in the wisdoms ofEpitytus, Seneca, and Marcus
(02:23):
Aurelius.
But before we get onto thattopic of stoicism and divorce, I
just wanted to welcome some newmembers to the community.
Jeremy, Vincent, Andrew, and TJ,welcome to the Divorce Dadvocate
community.
We're uh pleased to have youhere.
If uh you're not part of thecommunity already, check out the
(02:46):
websites and check out themembership site at
thedivorcedadvocate.com underthe membership tab.
By becoming a member, you getthe full podcast episodes here.
So you will be able to listen toall full broadcasts of all and
each and every one of those, aswell as replays of the group
meetings, which are absolutelyjust priceless.
(03:08):
It's about four hours a month oftime that we spend together in
in group meeting talking aboutthe different challenges that
are going on with each of themen's divorces and talking about
ways to get through them andgiving advice and just uh
generally supporting each otherduring this difficult and
challenging time.
(03:29):
So check that out at the websiteat thedivorcedadvocate.com under
the membership tab.
Also, the divorce quiz is stillup, a great tool to help you
gauge where you're at in yourdivorce compared to others who
have gone through it.
All right, so let's talk alittle bit about stoicism.
(03:49):
You know, stoicism is aphilosophy that offers a path to
which one can always return toovercome the challenges of life.
I'm a big, big fan of it, haveread uh quite extensively about
it, and it shows us a way todevelop perseverance, build our
mental strength, and discoverour purpose as men.
(04:10):
So you may have heard of it.
It's often being stoic is oftenmisunderstood, and actually in
the world of toxic masculinityand whatnot these days, being
stoic is sometimes looked at andfrowned upon as being negative,
(04:33):
let's say.
But I want to just give you aquick overview of what stoicism
actually is, and then we'regonna talk more about how you
can implement some of thesetechniques into your life
because it is probably one ofthe most excellent philosophies
that you can utilize.
And and we're just gonna go intoan overview here today about
(04:54):
some of this stuff.
I highly, highly recommend, andI'm gonna give you a book at the
end to jump into this if youwant to, if you want to start
somewhere, that uh is anexcellent book, but you can read
in uh in in very intimate detailand and read some Marcus
Aurelius and and some others,and it is absolutely
fascinating.
(05:15):
And for me, it has beenlife-changing.
So let's uh let's explain andgive a quick overview, firstly,
as to to what stoicism is andand what it believes.
And the first thing is that Goduh is a rational substance in
nature.
Stoicism assumes the existenceof a rational substance, often
(05:38):
referred to the divine or Godthat pervades all of nature.
This divine presence is seen asa harmonious guiding force in
the universe.
And basically, some of thisstoicism or stoicism kind of
came along.
This is a little bit of history,at a at a time in in Greek
(05:58):
history where where there was adiscontent maybe with with
religion, organized religion.
And they said, okay, well, webelieve that there's a higher
power, that we believe there's agod, but it seems like these
gods are all warring each otheragainst each other, et cetera,
and not really worried about us.
So they came up and distilledsome of those those religious
(06:20):
ideas, maybe you could saybiblical ideas, down to some of
what they believed are going tohelp you live a better and more
productive life.
And then it was called stoicism.
So that's a little bit ofhistory, but it is rooted in the
fact that there is a higherpower.
There's a ration, they call it arational substance that they
(06:41):
often refer to as the divine orthe God.
Uh, the second thing isself-control and fortitude.
Central to Stoicism is thecultivation of self-mastery and
fortitude.
This includes the control of uhyour destructive emotions, such
as anger and fear, through theapplication of reason and
(07:03):
wisdom.
Number three, stoic virtues.
Stoicism recognizes fourcardinal virtues.
The first is wisdom, the secondis courage, the third is
justice, and the fourth istemperance.
These virtues form the basis fora virtuous life and are the
(07:24):
guiding principles of theStoics, Stoics being somebody
who is espousing these virtues.
Number four, play our roles withserenity.
Stoicism encourages us to acceptthe roles and circumstances we
are assigned in life withserenity and without complaint.
(07:46):
Although we cannot controlexternal events, we do have
control over our attitudes andreactions.
That's a big one.
And that's a difficult,challenging one when we're going
through what we're going throughright now during divorce.
Number five, the highest good.
According to Stoicism, thehighest good arises from wisdom,
(08:07):
virtue, and acceptance of whatwe cannot directly control.
True fulfillment is found byliving in accordance with these
principles.
Also, another difficult andchallenging thing while we're
going through divorce, which ispretty much we can't control
anything of what's happening andthe potential outcome of what's
going to be our lives and whatthat's going to look like at the
(08:30):
end of the divorce process.
So, again, why that's why thisstoicism is a very excellent
tool for you.
Six universal natural law andbrotherhood.
Stoicism asserts the existenceof a universal natural law of
justice and a universalbrotherhood that binds all
(08:52):
people together as part of acosmic order.
So, again, this this helps thisjust this goes to the foundation
of the the the founding of ourour countries that we are all
created equal, which wassomething that was unbelievably
and and has been throughout timeunbelievably amazing.
(09:17):
About I shouldn't even get downthere.
I'm not even gonna go down apolitical conversation route.
Let's stick to the stick to thestick to the stoicism.
Okay, so what is the mindset ofthe stoic man?
The the mindset is aboutperceiving the world with
clarity and wisdom distilledinto two powerful principles.
(09:39):
The first being focusing on whatis within your control and
accepting, the second beingaccepting what is not in your
control.
So why this is incrediblyimportant right now, while
you're going through what you'reyou what you're what you're
going through in divorce, isthat for us as men, we do not
(10:04):
like chaos and uncertainty justnaturally.
It's not to say that womennecessarily like chaos and
uncertainty, but women functionbetter in that context of chaos
and certainty.
It's just part of personalitiesand the way that personalities
show up between men and women.
For men, we like to be verystructured and linear, have a
(10:25):
path and a goal and know wherewe're going during this time of
divorce.
That is not possible.
So accepting what's what wecan't control, and then focusing
on what we can control are twoincredibly important principles,
which is the my the basicmindset of stoicism.
So let's talk about focusing onwhat is in your control.
(10:48):
Stoicism asks us to focus ourattention and energy on those
aspects of life that we caninfluence, that we can
influence, that we can shape,and that we can control.
It teaches us to identify andprioritize our thoughts, our
actions and decisions because wecan we can control them.
(11:09):
So that looks like when we'rein, when we're going through
what we're going through, thatyou have control of how you show
up, how you maybe get yourdisclosures done and get those
on time and get those done ontime and get those submitted on
time and get those to yourattorney and have those done in
(11:31):
a comprehensive manner and cancompletely.
So that's something that you youcan control.
You can't control if your X orsoon to be X is going to be
talking bad about you to all ofyour friends.
Something that you cannotcontrol.
So it just Stoicism asks us tofocus our attention and energy
on aspects of life that we caninfl influence, shape, and
(11:55):
control.
All right.
What is accepting what is not inyour your control?
Stay with us.
We'll be right back.
Hey fellas, it's me.
I'm hitting pause on thisepisode for a second because I
need to talk to you.
Are you listening right now,feeling overwhelmed, stuck,
(12:19):
worried about your kids, yourfinances are just what comes
next?
You know I get it, and that'swhy I started this podcast.
But I also know that listeningis one thing, and having a
personal advocate, a coach inyour corner is another.
(14:01):
Listening gives you information,coaching gives you a plan.
It's where we work one-on-one tocut through the confusion, build
your roadmap, and make sureyou're not just surviving this
divorce, but setting yourself upto thrive after it.
I want you to walk into the newyear with clarity and control.
So, as a thank you for being aloyal listener, I'm offering 25%
(14:25):
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All right, let's get back to theshow.
(15:08):
Equally important is Stoicism'slesson to accept gracefully what
is beyond our control.
In a world full of certaintiesand external forces, this facet
teaches us to let go of theburden of unnecessary worry and
frustration.
Okay, so we're just gonna, we'regonna, we're gonna, we're just
talking about some of the basicshere because I know that's
(15:31):
you're you're probably listeningand and you're thinking, okay,
yeah, that's really, really easyto say, let go of the burden of
unnecessary worry andfrustration.
And I know that that is a it isa very difficult and challenging
thing because basically I knowwhen I was going through my
divorce that basically that'sall I was in was worry and
(15:51):
frustration the entire time.
So again, dig deeper into this.
We're gonna give you somepractices here coming up right
after this, and give you somemore basics around this.
But if you want to dig into thatand learn how you can release
yourself of that burden ofunnecessary worry and
frustration, dig more into theconcept of the stoicism.
(16:15):
The next thing is resilience inthe face of adversity.
Now, how does this mindsetpromote resilience in the face
of adversity?
It changes our responses tolife's challenges, such as
divorce.
When we focus on what we cancontrol, our thoughts,
behaviors, and choices, webecome the architects of our
(16:36):
destiny.
Adversity is not seen asinsurmountable, but it's an
opportunity for growth.
Now, you've heard me talk aboutthat.
If you've listened to more thanone podcast about divorce being
an opportunity for growth,that's hard to see when you're
in the middle of it.
But again, if you talk to me,you talk to some of the other
guys on our group call that aredown the road, even not far from
(16:58):
where you might be six months,12 months, two years, five
years, that they can look backand see that it has been and was
and continues to be anopportunity for growth.
So the stoic person understandsthat he cannot stop the storms
of life, but he can decide howto navigate through them.
So let's talk about some dailystoic practices that you can
(17:24):
implement while you're goingthrough this challenge.
So here's some three actionablepractices.
The first one, and and some ofthese, if you look back in in
some of the podcasts, previouspodcasts, I've done very
specific podcasts around how todo some of this stuff.
So look back and I'll referencesome of these to you while we're
going through these.
(17:45):
Uh the first one is a morningreflection.
There's a great book called TheMiracle Morning, which is it
which talks about a basicessentially structuring a
routine for your morning inorder to set yourself up for
success for the day.
So your morning reflection startshould uh start with some sort
(18:09):
of gratitude and some sort of uhof intention.
And that's because every morningoffers a new opportunity to
align your mindset with thesestoic principles.
So if you start the day with amoment of reflection, a moment
of gratitude, set yourintentions, it makes it much
(18:30):
makes it much better goingforward.
So so like in the next one we'regonna talk about is is
journaling.
So I'm gonna give this exampleof what I do in my morning
routine, which is the firstprompt in my journaling is what
I'm grateful for.
So I do it the first when Ifirst wake up after my
meditation and prayer, I'll dothe journaling.
(18:52):
The first, the first entry intomy journaling is what I what I
am grateful for.
And then the last journal entry,which is the next thing in here,
is intentions, set clearintentions for your day ahead.
And they say don't set more thanthree clear intentions for for
your day, because if you start,if you do more than three, then
(19:12):
you're you're just you're you'retoo busy, you have too much
going on, you feel bad if youdon't get you, if you don't get
all more than three done.
And three is about all that youcan focus on and really actually
get done and and be intentionalwith that intention.
So gratitude and intentions inyour morning reflection first
(19:35):
thing when you wake up or assoon as possible after you wake
up.
The next stoic practice would bejournaling, and journaling helps
you to track progress uh andemotions.
It's a powerful tool forself-reflection,
self-improvement.
So I I highly suggest doingsomething daily.
(19:57):
Dedicate, and it doesn't have tobe long, dedicate a few minutes
in the morning, a few minutes inthe evening, right after you
wake up in the morning, rightbefore you go to bed in the
evening, and jot down yourthoughts, your experiences, and
your challenges.
The other thing that you cankeep track of, and this is going
to be this could be really,really helpful during this
(20:18):
challenging time, is youremotional inventory, noting your
emotional states throughout theday, because that is going to be
beneficial to you in workingthrough managing those emotions
and then trying to move thoseemotions into a direction that
(20:38):
is going to be beneficial foryou.
The next positive to thejournaling is tracking your
progress so that you can see howwell you are you're managing
those emotions or how wellyou're able to uh accomplish
your intentions for the day,etc.
So progress was what getsmeasured gets done.
(20:59):
Uh that's a that's a businesssaying.
So this is right along thoselines for your personal life.
And then number three, anotherthe third, the third stoic
practice would be an eveningreview.
And and so I do that within myjournaling, my my evening
reviews within my journaling,but assessing your actions and
(21:21):
identifying areas forimprovements, your action
assessment, just review how youshowed up in the day, what your
actions were, what yourdecisions were.
Some of that can just befreeform writing about your day
and how you felt about it.
Again, I do re do gratitudeagain at the end of the day, and
(21:43):
put in there why you're gratefulfor what happened throughout the
day, and then write someintentions for what you want
your subconscious to be workingon while you go to sleep, and
your intentions for the nextday.
So your intentions for whatyou'd like your subconscious to
work on, because while you'resleeping, your body is healing,
(22:06):
your body is rejuvenating, butalso your subconscious continues
to work while you're sleeping.
And so if you, I think it wasBenjamin Franklin who said, do
not go to sleep without givingyour subconscious something to
work on or a problem to solve.
So give yourself that, giveyourself an intention about what
you want your subconscious towork on, and then also write
(22:28):
down what your intentions arefor the day ahead.
Okay, so we briefly touched onmanaging those emotions and
journaling about them, but let'stalk a little more about how
stoicism can help manage thoseemotions.
And it teaches what it does isit teaches us that emotions
(22:49):
aren't inherently good or bad.
So an emotion is emotion.
There's not a positive, there'snot a negative, it's not a good
or bad.
But it what happens is it's ourjudgments and our reactions that
determine the impact on ourlives.
So you've there's a podcast, anearlier podcast, anger, it's
your friend.
(23:10):
And we talk about this a lot inin group work too, that anger in
and of itself is not a negativeemotion.
Actually, anger can be a verytransformative emotion.
So it's how we react to theangry emotion that comes up as
to whether it determines apositive or in uh or negative
impact on our life.
So, so let's let's talk aboutsome actual exercises for
(23:34):
emotional self-control, becausepart of your process going
through this divorce is thatyou're going to be grieving.
And when you're going throughthe grief process, there are a
lot of emotions that are comingup.
You're going to go throughdenial and you're going to go
through anger, and you're goingto go through bargaining, and
you're going to go throughdepression until you come to
(23:56):
being accepting of what ishappening.
So those are a lot of emotionsthat are coming up around that,
and how you handle thoseemotions coming up is going to
largely determine how you'reable to move forward through the
divorce, but then also post thedivorce and also how you're
going to model this for yourkiddos.
So let's talk about someactional exercises.
(24:17):
The first one being the pauseand reflect technique.
The step, first step for thepause and reflect technique is
recognizing the emotion.
Now, that may mean that you needto stop.
That may mean you need to giveyourself a timeout, if you will.
Or if it's a strong emotion, andand and I'm not kidding about
(24:40):
this.
If it's a strong emotion, I knowthat I had strong emotions,
particularly around um droppingoff my daughters.
And I needed to sometimes spendtime alone.
I'd need to go sit in thebathroom for a minute or two.
And I and I chuckle about itnow, but it wasn't funny then
because it was awful and it wasterrible.
And I was so choked up and soupset about leaving them that I
(25:04):
really just I needed torecognize what that emotion was,
and I needed to just take sometime to allow that emotion to
come through.
Just know that emotions don'tlast that long.
That initial emotion only canlast only a couple of minutes.
So if you get through thosecouple of minutes, you're
usually okay unless you start toto ruminate on it.
But step two is what you're wasgoing to help you is to analyze
(25:27):
the judgment about that.
Okay.
So you might be judging, and oneof the things that I was I was
doing is I was having sadness,right?
So the emotion was sadnessduring the drop-off.
And my sadness was around, likeI said, I've been going through
the grieving process, was aroundthat I wasn't going to see my my
daughters.
And and so that was analyzingthe judgment.
(25:48):
I knew that I was sad.
I was analyzing what thejudgment around that was.
So the so and and actually, sothe next step of that is that I
was sad and I recognized that,and I was judging that my life
had not turned out, and myfamily had not turned out what I
how I wanted it to be.
And so that was a that was ajudgment.
(26:10):
Now the step, now here's wherehere's where now you can you can
decide what you want to do withthis.
And I would also I'm gonnarecommend here, there have been
two episodes where we have doneuh worked with the intermatrix
system with Joey Klein and hisor in and his group and his
organization.
And he does basically this sameexact thing about uh this stoic
(26:34):
practice of pause and reflectand helps you to go through the
process and then utilize thosefeelings in order to move
forward in a positive direction.
So go back and and look for JoeyKlein.
He does one with uh with one ofmy clients, which is Tim, which
is an absolutely unbelievableepisode.
If you watch or you listenthrough that one and listen to
(26:56):
the changes in Tim from the thebeginning of the conversation
with Joey to the end of theconversation.
So check some of those resourcesout, or just call me and and we
can talk about it too.
But the next step is key, whichis reframing the judgment.
So reframing that judgmentaround being a failure is was
(27:17):
something that that I needed todo.
I needed to reframe my mindsetaround the fact that it it
wasn't a failure, that therewere a lot of positives that
came out of the the marriage,particularly my three amazing
young young daughters, young atthe time, daughters, but also
the the amount of knowledge andunderstanding and growth and and
(27:40):
maturity and all the otherthings that that came out of
that that relationship.
And then step four is to chooseyour response.
And so when Joey's working withthe inner matrix system, he
talks about that identifyingwhat your emotions are, but then
also knowing what you what kindof emotion emotional state you
(28:02):
want to show up in in any givenday.
And so when you have an emotionthat's not in alignment with
that, so this would be the samething, which is if you're having
if you're having a judgmentabout whatever the emotion is,
you're reframing that judgment,and then you're choosing what
your response is going to beafter that.
You're gonna choose to to befocused and disciplined.
(28:25):
That was one of the things thatI had to learn to do when I'm
breaking down at work and I needto sit in the bathroom for a
minute because I'm so upset, Ican't stop crying.
That's that I have to, you know,I analyzed it, I reframed it,
and I chose a response, which isto go back to work, to be
focused, to be disciplined on mywork, and to maybe take some
time later to unpackage some ofthat sadness.
(28:47):
So this is not to say thatyou're ignoring any of your
emotions, it just means you getto choose your emotions.
So your emotions are not runningyour life, you're running your
emotions and your own life.
Okay.
So that is the that is the pauseand reflect technique.
So finding some finding purposeand meaning with stoicism.
(29:11):
So this can be a great, greattool to help guide you in the
search for what your purpose is.
The first thing we do is createa vision and direction when I'm
in private practice with you anddoing private coaching, because
what happens is all of what wasour purpose or may have been our
(29:32):
purpose, or most of our purposewith our family structure and
our kids and our marriage hasgone away.
So searching for a purpose isincredibly important, and
stoicism can help you do that.
The first step would be virtue.
Stoicism places virtue at thecenter of a meaningless life,
and it teaches us that ourhighest goal should be to
(29:52):
cultivate moral excellence,qualities such as courage,
justice, wisdom, and self andself-discipline.
The second part of that searchfor purpose is the pursuit of
wisdom.
Stoicism encourages us to embarkon a lifelong, lifelong journey
to better understand the worldand ourselves.
(30:13):
That one is really important,particularly when we're going
through this, because I don'tknow about you, but I felt like
my world was ending.
And it's not.
I know that now, 10 years later,but that's hard when you're in
the middle of it.
And I know that it might be hardfor you too.
But but stoicism and and and bypursuing wisdom helps us to
(30:34):
understand that this is part ofour life, lifelong journey.
And hey, now I'm doing what I donow.
I'm talking to you, I'm sharingwith you and helping you through
that 10 years ago.
If you would have told me thatI'm doing this, that the pain
and suffering and challenges andjust disheartening experience
that I was going through wasgoing to translate into being
able to do something amazinglike this, I'd have just like
(30:57):
looked at you with a blankstare.
So, so it is part of a lifelongjourney.
So, again, that helps you toreframe that uh whole thought
process.
The next, the next way to searchfor purpose is can contribution
to the common good.
Stoicism emphasizes ourconnectedness to humanity.
It encourages us to consider howour actions can benefit others
(31:19):
and contribute to the bettermentof society, which is incredibly
uh useful and helpful.
So, what are some actionablesteps for setting meaningful
goals?
Step one, self-reflection andvalues clarification.
What principles do you holddear?
What kind of person do you wantto be?
Those are two great questions toask yourself in step one.
(31:42):
The next is consider whatactivities or pursuits bring you
the most joy and fulfillment.
I'm going to tell you, if youget into some coaching with me,
some private coaching, a lot ofmy five, my dad's guide to
divorce, my five steps are verysimilar to these stoic steps
(32:02):
that we're talking about.
Step two being identifying areasof impact.
Think about how you can use yourskills, talents, and passions to
make a positive impact on theworld, no matter how small.
What would that look like inyour in your case at the moment?
It could look like how you'reshowing up at transitions with
(32:23):
your kids.
It could be as simple as that asthat.
And and no matter how small thatmight seem to you, it have a a
huge positive beneficial impacton your kiddos.
Also consider the problems orissues in your community or
society that resonate with yourvalues and interests.
The next meaningful the nextstep for setting meaningful
(32:45):
goals would be set virtuousgoals.
Ensure your goals align withyour values and contribute
positively to the lives of otherlives of others, excuse me.
And then the fourth step ispractice mindfulness and
gratitude.
We already talked about uh aboutgratitude.
There is a we there is a anepisode or two actually I think
(33:07):
very early on about mindfulnessmeditation and being present
with with yourself in your lifeand with your kids.
Go back and listen to some ofthat.
It'll give you some really uhspecific tools around how to do
that.
So let's talk about how stoicismcan help you overcome the
adversity of your divorce andthe and and but you you do that
(33:30):
by creating what they call a astoic playbook.
And the first part of creating astoic playbook is I identifying
the identifying the challenge.
So in your case right now itmight be the divorce but I might
also you I might also break thatdown and refine that a little
(33:52):
bit more to something specificwithin divorce.
This the the second step in thisthis playbook is define the
stoic strategy for dealing withthat challenge.
So again I'm not going to gointo all the strategies but you
can go and you can researchstrategies for or research stoic
(34:12):
strategies for dealing with withthe challenges and implement
them.
I gave you one actionableexercise for the emotional
self-control.
And then the the third stepwould be to hear the rest of
this episode and access thecorresponding resources visit
the divorcedabocate.com andbecome a member of our community
(34:33):
it's free to join and we'llprovide you with the resources
you deserve as a divorced ordivorcing dad.
Thank you for listening.
God bless and I'll talk with younext week
Hello and welcome to the Divorced Dadvocate, divorce
support for dads, where we helpdads create a healthy and less
traumatic divorce.
My name is Jude Sandval, and I'myour host.
I created this podcast in thedivorced advocate community as a
result of my own high conflictdivorce, and because you as a
(01:37):
dad deserve all the resourcesnecessary to thrive through this
challenging time.
I encourage you to check out ourwebsite at
thedivorcedadvocate.com, wherethere are resources that
correspond to this episode aswell as free access to our
membership community, where youwill find live meetings, free
workshops and courses, privatediscussion groups, and more.
(02:00):
And now on to this week'sepisode.
Hello and welcome to this show.
I appreciate you being heretoday.
And we're going to be talkingabout, and I'm going to be
introducing you to the stoicphilosophy, which finds its
origins in the wisdoms ofEpitytus, Seneca, and Marcus
(02:23):
Aurelius.
But before we get onto thattopic of stoicism and divorce, I
just wanted to welcome some newmembers to the community.
Jeremy, Vincent, Andrew, and TJ,welcome to the Divorce Dadvocate
community.
We're uh pleased to have youhere.
If uh you're not part of thecommunity already, check out the
(02:46):
websites and check out themembership site at
thedivorcedadvocate.com underthe membership tab.
By becoming a member, you getthe full podcast episodes here.
So you will be able to listen toall full broadcasts of all and
each and every one of those, aswell as replays of the group
meetings, which are absolutelyjust priceless.
(03:08):
It's about four hours a month oftime that we spend together in
in group meeting talking aboutthe different challenges that
are going on with each of themen's divorces and talking about
ways to get through them andgiving advice and just uh
generally supporting each otherduring this difficult and
challenging time.
(03:29):
So check that out at the websiteat thedivorcedadvocate.com under
the membership tab.
Also, the divorce quiz is stillup, a great tool to help you
gauge where you're at in yourdivorce compared to others who
have gone through it.
All right, so let's talk alittle bit about stoicism.
(03:49):
You know, stoicism is aphilosophy that offers a path to
which one can always return toovercome the challenges of life.
I'm a big, big fan of it, haveread uh quite extensively about
it, and it shows us a way todevelop perseverance, build our
mental strength, and discoverour purpose as men.
(04:10):
So you may have heard of it.
It's often being stoic is oftenmisunderstood, and actually in
the world of toxic masculinityand whatnot these days, being
stoic is sometimes looked at andfrowned upon as being negative,
(04:33):
let's say.
But I want to just give you aquick overview of what stoicism
actually is, and then we'regonna talk more about how you
can implement some of thesetechniques into your life
because it is probably one ofthe most excellent philosophies
that you can utilize.
And and we're just gonna go intoan overview here today about
(04:54):
some of this stuff.
I highly, highly recommend, andI'm gonna give you a book at the
end to jump into this if youwant to, if you want to start
somewhere, that uh is anexcellent book, but you can read
in uh in in very intimate detailand and read some Marcus
Aurelius and and some others,and it is absolutely
fascinating.
(05:15):
And for me, it has beenlife-changing.
So let's uh let's explain andgive a quick overview, firstly,
as to to what stoicism is andand what it believes.
And the first thing is that Goduh is a rational substance in
nature.
Stoicism assumes the existenceof a rational substance, often
(05:38):
referred to the divine or Godthat pervades all of nature.
This divine presence is seen asa harmonious guiding force in
the universe.
And basically, some of thisstoicism or stoicism kind of
came along.
This is a little bit of history,at a at a time in in Greek
(05:58):
history where where there was adiscontent maybe with with
religion, organized religion.
And they said, okay, well, webelieve that there's a higher
power, that we believe there's agod, but it seems like these
gods are all warring each otheragainst each other, et cetera,
and not really worried about us.
So they came up and distilledsome of those those religious
(06:20):
ideas, maybe you could saybiblical ideas, down to some of
what they believed are going tohelp you live a better and more
productive life.
And then it was called stoicism.
So that's a little bit ofhistory, but it is rooted in the
fact that there is a higherpower.
There's a ration, they call it arational substance that they
(06:41):
often refer to as the divine orthe God.
Uh, the second thing isself-control and fortitude.
Central to Stoicism is thecultivation of self-mastery and
fortitude.
This includes the control of uhyour destructive emotions, such
as anger and fear, through theapplication of reason and
(07:03):
wisdom.
Number three, stoic virtues.
Stoicism recognizes fourcardinal virtues.
The first is wisdom, the secondis courage, the third is
justice, and the fourth istemperance.
These virtues form the basis fora virtuous life and are the
(07:24):
guiding principles of theStoics, Stoics being somebody
who is espousing these virtues.
Number four, play our roles withserenity.
Stoicism encourages us to acceptthe roles and circumstances we
are assigned in life withserenity and without complaint.
(07:46):
Although we cannot controlexternal events, we do have
control over our attitudes andreactions.
That's a big one.
And that's a difficult,challenging one when we're going
through what we're going throughright now during divorce.
Number five, the highest good.
According to Stoicism, thehighest good arises from wisdom,
(08:07):
virtue, and acceptance of whatwe cannot directly control.
True fulfillment is found byliving in accordance with these
principles.
Also, another difficult andchallenging thing while we're
going through divorce, which ispretty much we can't control
anything of what's happening andthe potential outcome of what's
going to be our lives and whatthat's going to look like at the
(08:30):
end of the divorce process.
So, again, why that's why thisstoicism is a very excellent
tool for you.
Six universal natural law andbrotherhood.
Stoicism asserts the existenceof a universal natural law of
justice and a universalbrotherhood that binds all
(08:52):
people together as part of acosmic order.
So, again, this this helps thisjust this goes to the foundation
of the the the founding of ourour countries that we are all
created equal, which wassomething that was unbelievably
and and has been throughout timeunbelievably amazing.
(09:17):
About I shouldn't even get downthere.
I'm not even gonna go down apolitical conversation route.
Let's stick to the stick to thestick to the stoicism.
Okay, so what is the mindset ofthe stoic man?
The the mindset is aboutperceiving the world with
clarity and wisdom distilledinto two powerful principles.
(09:39):
The first being focusing on whatis within your control and
accepting, the second beingaccepting what is not in your
control.
So why this is incrediblyimportant right now, while
you're going through what you'reyou what you're what you're
going through in divorce, isthat for us as men, we do not
(10:04):
like chaos and uncertainty justnaturally.
It's not to say that womennecessarily like chaos and
uncertainty, but women functionbetter in that context of chaos
and certainty.
It's just part of personalitiesand the way that personalities
show up between men and women.
For men, we like to be verystructured and linear, have a
(10:25):
path and a goal and know wherewe're going during this time of
divorce.
That is not possible.
So accepting what's what wecan't control, and then focusing
on what we can control are twoincredibly important principles,
which is the my the basicmindset of stoicism.
So let's talk about focusing onwhat is in your control.
(10:48):
Stoicism asks us to focus ourattention and energy on those
aspects of life that we caninfluence, that we can
influence, that we can shape,and that we can control.
It teaches us to identify andprioritize our thoughts, our
actions and decisions because wecan we can control them.
(11:09):
So that looks like when we'rein, when we're going through
what we're going through, thatyou have control of how you show
up, how you maybe get yourdisclosures done and get those
on time and get those done ontime and get those submitted on
time and get those to yourattorney and have those done in
(11:31):
a comprehensive manner and cancompletely.
So that's something that you youcan control.
You can't control if your X orsoon to be X is going to be
talking bad about you to all ofyour friends.
Something that you cannotcontrol.
So it just Stoicism asks us tofocus our attention and energy
on aspects of life that we caninfl influence, shape, and
(11:55):
control.
All right.
What is accepting what is not inyour your control?
Stay with us.
We'll be right back.
Hey fellas, it's me.
I'm hitting pause on thisepisode for a second because I
need to talk to you.
Are you listening right now,feeling overwhelmed, stuck,
(12:19):
worried about your kids, yourfinances are just what comes
next?
You know I get it, and that'swhy I started this podcast.
But I also know that listeningis one thing, and having a
personal advocate, a coach inyour corner is another.
(14:01):
Listening gives you information,coaching gives you a plan.
It's where we work one-on-one tocut through the confusion, build
your roadmap, and make sureyou're not just surviving this
divorce, but setting yourself upto thrive after it.
I want you to walk into the newyear with clarity and control.
So, as a thank you for being aloyal listener, I'm offering 25%
(14:25):
off one-on-one coaching bookedbetween now and the end of the
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All right, let's get back to theshow.
(15:08):
Equally important is Stoicism'slesson to accept gracefully what
is beyond our control.
In a world full of certaintiesand external forces, this facet
teaches us to let go of theburden of unnecessary worry and
frustration.
Okay, so we're just gonna, we'regonna, we're gonna, we're just
talking about some of the basicshere because I know that's
(15:31):
you're you're probably listeningand and you're thinking, okay,
yeah, that's really, really easyto say, let go of the burden of
unnecessary worry andfrustration.
And I know that that is a it isa very difficult and challenging
thing because basically I knowwhen I was going through my
divorce that basically that'sall I was in was worry and
(15:51):
frustration the entire time.
So again, dig deeper into this.
We're gonna give you somepractices here coming up right
after this, and give you somemore basics around this.
But if you want to dig into thatand learn how you can release
yourself of that burden ofunnecessary worry and
frustration, dig more into theconcept of the stoicism.
(16:15):
The next thing is resilience inthe face of adversity.
Now, how does this mindsetpromote resilience in the face
of adversity?
It changes our responses tolife's challenges, such as
divorce.
When we focus on what we cancontrol, our thoughts,
behaviors, and choices, webecome the architects of our
(16:36):
destiny.
Adversity is not seen asinsurmountable, but it's an
opportunity for growth.
Now, you've heard me talk aboutthat.
If you've listened to more thanone podcast about divorce being
an opportunity for growth,that's hard to see when you're
in the middle of it.
But again, if you talk to me,you talk to some of the other
guys on our group call that aredown the road, even not far from
(16:58):
where you might be six months,12 months, two years, five
years, that they can look backand see that it has been and was
and continues to be anopportunity for growth.
So the stoic person understandsthat he cannot stop the storms
of life, but he can decide howto navigate through them.
So let's talk about some dailystoic practices that you can
(17:24):
implement while you're goingthrough this challenge.
So here's some three actionablepractices.
The first one, and and some ofthese, if you look back in in
some of the podcasts, previouspodcasts, I've done very
specific podcasts around how todo some of this stuff.
So look back and I'll referencesome of these to you while we're
going through these.
(17:45):
Uh the first one is a morningreflection.
There's a great book called TheMiracle Morning, which is it
which talks about a basicessentially structuring a
routine for your morning inorder to set yourself up for
success for the day.
So your morning reflection startshould uh start with some sort
(18:09):
of gratitude and some sort of uhof intention.
And that's because every morningoffers a new opportunity to
align your mindset with thesestoic principles.
So if you start the day with amoment of reflection, a moment
of gratitude, set yourintentions, it makes it much
(18:30):
makes it much better goingforward.
So so like in the next one we'regonna talk about is is
journaling.
So I'm gonna give this exampleof what I do in my morning
routine, which is the firstprompt in my journaling is what
I'm grateful for.
So I do it the first when Ifirst wake up after my
meditation and prayer, I'll dothe journaling.
(18:52):
The first, the first entry intomy journaling is what I what I
am grateful for.
And then the last journal entry,which is the next thing in here,
is intentions, set clearintentions for your day ahead.
And they say don't set more thanthree clear intentions for for
your day, because if you start,if you do more than three, then
(19:12):
you're you're just you're you'retoo busy, you have too much
going on, you feel bad if youdon't get you, if you don't get
all more than three done.
And three is about all that youcan focus on and really actually
get done and and be intentionalwith that intention.
So gratitude and intentions inyour morning reflection first
(19:35):
thing when you wake up or assoon as possible after you wake
up.
The next stoic practice would bejournaling, and journaling helps
you to track progress uh andemotions.
It's a powerful tool forself-reflection,
self-improvement.
So I I highly suggest doingsomething daily.
(19:57):
Dedicate, and it doesn't have tobe long, dedicate a few minutes
in the morning, a few minutes inthe evening, right after you
wake up in the morning, rightbefore you go to bed in the
evening, and jot down yourthoughts, your experiences, and
your challenges.
The other thing that you cankeep track of, and this is going
to be this could be really,really helpful during this
(20:18):
challenging time, is youremotional inventory, noting your
emotional states throughout theday, because that is going to be
beneficial to you in workingthrough managing those emotions
and then trying to move thoseemotions into a direction that
(20:38):
is going to be beneficial foryou.
The next positive to thejournaling is tracking your
progress so that you can see howwell you are you're managing
those emotions or how wellyou're able to uh accomplish
your intentions for the day,etc.
So progress was what getsmeasured gets done.
(20:59):
Uh that's a that's a businesssaying.
So this is right along thoselines for your personal life.
And then number three, anotherthe third, the third stoic
practice would be an eveningreview.
And and so I do that within myjournaling, my my evening
reviews within my journaling,but assessing your actions and
(21:21):
identifying areas forimprovements, your action
assessment, just review how youshowed up in the day, what your
actions were, what yourdecisions were.
Some of that can just befreeform writing about your day
and how you felt about it.
Again, I do re do gratitudeagain at the end of the day, and
(21:43):
put in there why you're gratefulfor what happened throughout the
day, and then write someintentions for what you want
your subconscious to be workingon while you go to sleep, and
your intentions for the nextday.
So your intentions for whatyou'd like your subconscious to
work on, because while you'resleeping, your body is healing,
(22:06):
your body is rejuvenating, butalso your subconscious continues
to work while you're sleeping.
And so if you, I think it wasBenjamin Franklin who said, do
not go to sleep without givingyour subconscious something to
work on or a problem to solve.
So give yourself that, giveyourself an intention about what
you want your subconscious towork on, and then also write
(22:28):
down what your intentions arefor the day ahead.
Okay, so we briefly touched onmanaging those emotions and
journaling about them, but let'stalk a little more about how
stoicism can help manage thoseemotions.
And it teaches what it does isit teaches us that emotions
(22:49):
aren't inherently good or bad.
So an emotion is emotion.
There's not a positive, there'snot a negative, it's not a good
or bad.
But it what happens is it's ourjudgments and our reactions that
determine the impact on ourlives.
So you've there's a podcast, anearlier podcast, anger, it's
your friend.
(23:10):
And we talk about this a lot inin group work too, that anger in
and of itself is not a negativeemotion.
Actually, anger can be a verytransformative emotion.
So it's how we react to theangry emotion that comes up as
to whether it determines apositive or in uh or negative
impact on our life.
So, so let's let's talk aboutsome actual exercises for
(23:34):
emotional self-control, becausepart of your process going
through this divorce is thatyou're going to be grieving.
And when you're going throughthe grief process, there are a
lot of emotions that are comingup.
You're going to go throughdenial and you're going to go
through anger, and you're goingto go through bargaining, and
you're going to go throughdepression until you come to
(23:56):
being accepting of what ishappening.
So those are a lot of emotionsthat are coming up around that,
and how you handle thoseemotions coming up is going to
largely determine how you'reable to move forward through the
divorce, but then also post thedivorce and also how you're
going to model this for yourkiddos.
So let's talk about someactional exercises.
(24:17):
The first one being the pauseand reflect technique.
The step, first step for thepause and reflect technique is
recognizing the emotion.
Now, that may mean that you needto stop.
That may mean you need to giveyourself a timeout, if you will.
Or if it's a strong emotion, andand and I'm not kidding about
(24:40):
this.
If it's a strong emotion, I knowthat I had strong emotions,
particularly around um droppingoff my daughters.
And I needed to sometimes spendtime alone.
I'd need to go sit in thebathroom for a minute or two.
And I and I chuckle about itnow, but it wasn't funny then
because it was awful and it wasterrible.
And I was so choked up and soupset about leaving them that I
(25:04):
really just I needed torecognize what that emotion was,
and I needed to just take sometime to allow that emotion to
come through.
Just know that emotions don'tlast that long.
That initial emotion only canlast only a couple of minutes.
So if you get through thosecouple of minutes, you're
usually okay unless you start toto ruminate on it.
But step two is what you're wasgoing to help you is to analyze
(25:27):
the judgment about that.
Okay.
So you might be judging, and oneof the things that I was I was
doing is I was having sadness,right?
So the emotion was sadnessduring the drop-off.
And my sadness was around, likeI said, I've been going through
the grieving process, was aroundthat I wasn't going to see my my
daughters.
And and so that was analyzingthe judgment.
(25:48):
I knew that I was sad.
I was analyzing what thejudgment around that was.
So the so and and actually, sothe next step of that is that I
was sad and I recognized that,and I was judging that my life
had not turned out, and myfamily had not turned out what I
how I wanted it to be.
And so that was a that was ajudgment.
(26:10):
Now the step, now here's wherehere's where now you can you can
decide what you want to do withthis.
And I would also I'm gonnarecommend here, there have been
two episodes where we have doneuh worked with the intermatrix
system with Joey Klein and hisor in and his group and his
organization.
And he does basically this sameexact thing about uh this stoic
(26:34):
practice of pause and reflectand helps you to go through the
process and then utilize thosefeelings in order to move
forward in a positive direction.
So go back and and look for JoeyKlein.
He does one with uh with one ofmy clients, which is Tim, which
is an absolutely unbelievableepisode.
If you watch or you listenthrough that one and listen to
(26:56):
the changes in Tim from the thebeginning of the conversation
with Joey to the end of theconversation.
So check some of those resourcesout, or just call me and and we
can talk about it too.
But the next step is key, whichis reframing the judgment.
So reframing that judgmentaround being a failure is was
(27:17):
something that that I needed todo.
I needed to reframe my mindsetaround the fact that it it
wasn't a failure, that therewere a lot of positives that
came out of the the marriage,particularly my three amazing
young young daughters, young atthe time, daughters, but also
the the amount of knowledge andunderstanding and growth and and
(27:40):
maturity and all the otherthings that that came out of
that that relationship.
And then step four is to chooseyour response.
And so when Joey's working withthe inner matrix system, he
talks about that identifyingwhat your emotions are, but then
also knowing what you what kindof emotion emotional state you
(28:02):
want to show up in in any givenday.
And so when you have an emotionthat's not in alignment with
that, so this would be the samething, which is if you're having
if you're having a judgmentabout whatever the emotion is,
you're reframing that judgment,and then you're choosing what
your response is going to beafter that.
You're gonna choose to to befocused and disciplined.
(28:25):
That was one of the things thatI had to learn to do when I'm
breaking down at work and I needto sit in the bathroom for a
minute because I'm so upset, Ican't stop crying.
That's that I have to, you know,I analyzed it, I reframed it,
and I chose a response, which isto go back to work, to be
focused, to be disciplined on mywork, and to maybe take some
time later to unpackage some ofthat sadness.
(28:47):
So this is not to say thatyou're ignoring any of your
emotions, it just means you getto choose your emotions.
So your emotions are not runningyour life, you're running your
emotions and your own life.
Okay.
So that is the that is the pauseand reflect technique.
So finding some finding purposeand meaning with stoicism.
(29:11):
So this can be a great, greattool to help guide you in the
search for what your purpose is.
The first thing we do is createa vision and direction when I'm
in private practice with you anddoing private coaching, because
what happens is all of what wasour purpose or may have been our
(29:32):
purpose, or most of our purposewith our family structure and
our kids and our marriage hasgone away.
So searching for a purpose isincredibly important, and
stoicism can help you do that.
The first step would be virtue.
Stoicism places virtue at thecenter of a meaningless life,
and it teaches us that ourhighest goal should be to
(29:52):
cultivate moral excellence,qualities such as courage,
justice, wisdom, and self andself-discipline.
The second part of that searchfor purpose is the pursuit of
wisdom.
Stoicism encourages us to embarkon a lifelong, lifelong journey
to better understand the worldand ourselves.
(30:13):
That one is really important,particularly when we're going
through this, because I don'tknow about you, but I felt like
my world was ending.
And it's not.
I know that now, 10 years later,but that's hard when you're in
the middle of it.
And I know that it might be hardfor you too.
But but stoicism and and and bypursuing wisdom helps us to
(30:34):
understand that this is part ofour life, lifelong journey.
And hey, now I'm doing what I donow.
I'm talking to you, I'm sharingwith you and helping you through
that 10 years ago.
If you would have told me thatI'm doing this, that the pain
and suffering and challenges andjust disheartening experience
that I was going through wasgoing to translate into being
able to do something amazinglike this, I'd have just like
(30:57):
looked at you with a blankstare.
So, so it is part of a lifelongjourney.
So, again, that helps you toreframe that uh whole thought
process.
The next, the next way to searchfor purpose is can contribution
to the common good.
Stoicism emphasizes ourconnectedness to humanity.
It encourages us to consider howour actions can benefit others
(31:19):
and contribute to the bettermentof society, which is incredibly
uh useful and helpful.
So, what are some actionablesteps for setting meaningful
goals?
Step one, self-reflection andvalues clarification.
What principles do you holddear?
What kind of person do you wantto be?
Those are two great questions toask yourself in step one.
(31:42):
The next is consider whatactivities or pursuits bring you
the most joy and fulfillment.
I'm going to tell you, if youget into some coaching with me,
some private coaching, a lot ofmy five, my dad's guide to
divorce, my five steps are verysimilar to these stoic steps
(32:02):
that we're talking about.
Step two being identifying areasof impact.
Think about how you can use yourskills, talents, and passions to
make a positive impact on theworld, no matter how small.
What would that look like inyour in your case at the moment?
It could look like how you'reshowing up at transitions with
(32:23):
your kids.
It could be as simple as that asthat.
And and no matter how small thatmight seem to you, it have a a
huge positive beneficial impacton your kiddos.
Also consider the problems orissues in your community or
society that resonate with yourvalues and interests.
The next meaningful the nextstep for setting meaningful
(32:45):
goals would be set virtuousgoals.
Ensure your goals align withyour values and contribute
positively to the lives of otherlives of others, excuse me.
And then the fourth step ispractice mindfulness and
gratitude.
We already talked about uh aboutgratitude.
There is a we there is a anepisode or two actually I think
(33:07):
very early on about mindfulnessmeditation and being present
with with yourself in your lifeand with your kids.
Go back and listen to some ofthat.
It'll give you some really uhspecific tools around how to do
that.
So let's talk about how stoicismcan help you overcome the
adversity of your divorce andthe and and but you you do that
(33:30):
by creating what they call a astoic playbook.
And the first part of creating astoic playbook is I identifying
the identifying the challenge.
So in your case right now itmight be the divorce but I might
also you I might also break thatdown and refine that a little
(33:52):
bit more to something specificwithin divorce.
This the the second step in thisthis playbook is define the
stoic strategy for dealing withthat challenge.
So again I'm not going to gointo all the strategies but you
can go and you can researchstrategies for or research stoic
(34:12):
strategies for dealing with withthe challenges and implement
them.
I gave you one actionableexercise for the emotional
self-control.
And then the the third stepwould be to hear the rest of
this episode and access thecorresponding resources visit
the divorcedabocate.com andbecome a member of our community
(34:33):
it's free to join and we'llprovide you with the resources
you deserve as a divorced ordivorcing dad.
Thank you for listening.
God bless and I'll talk with younext week
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