November 17, 2025 • 40 mins
The holidays can feel like a minefield when you’re navigating divorce: shifting schedules, tighter budgets, and a swirl of emotions for you and your kids. We unpack a practical, human-centered plan to steady the season, built around six core habits that reduce pressure and bring back meaning without the overwhelm.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (01:17):
Hello and welcome to the Divorced Dadvocate, divorce
support for dads, where we helpdads create a healthy and less
traumatic divorce.
My name is Jude Sandval, and I'myour host.
I created this podcast in theDivorced Advocate community as a
result of my own high conflictdivorce, and because you, as a
dad, deserve all the resourcesnecessary to thrive through this
(01:42):
challenging time.
I encourage you to check out ourwebsite at
thedivorcedadvocate.com, wherethere are resources that
correspond to this episode, aswell as free access to our
membership community, where youwill find live meetings, free
workshops and courses, privatediscussion groups, and more.
And now on to this week'sepisode.
(02:06):
Hello and welcome to this week'sepisode.
I am so pleased that you arehere, and we are going to start
this week with a little bit ofworking through and talking
about how to handle the holidayswhile going through divorce.
We've already started thisoffline with a couple of what
(02:28):
I'm calling emergency workshops.
We talked the first week abouthandling your emotions during
the holidays.
And then just last night, we dida workshop around the five tips
for parents on managing holidaystress.
And if you weren't able to tunein to those, we did live stream
those as well on LinkedIn andFacebook.
(02:50):
If you didn't see those, you canyou can visit those on LinkedIn
and Facebook.
And if you haven't connectedwith me on LinkedIn and
Facebook, please do.
Or if you want to see thereplay, you can check that out
at the website under the podcasttab under the membership podcast
area there.
(03:10):
And if you're not already amember, check it out.
There's a free trial going onright now that you can get
access to all the resources thatthe divorced advocate community
has at the website for free.
So check that out as well.
And on that note, let's jumpinto today's topic, which is I'm
(03:30):
going to take it to the next,not the next level, but just
something else, which is sixtips for a stress-free holiday
season.
And, you know, for many people,the quote, most lovely time of
the year can quickly morph intothe quote, most stressful period
of the year.
And typically holiday stressors,when combined with a mental
(03:52):
condition, can trigger anoptimal tornado of heightened
stressors, illnesses, anddifficulties if we don't manage
those effectively.
And during the holiday periods,there are potential dangers at
every turn.
And you throw in the fact thatuh you're going through a
divorce and things are changingrapidly and things are kind of
(04:14):
chaotic and uncertain, and thatjust adds to it.
All that, uh all thesecircumstances also can be
exacerbated by symptoms ofpeople who suffer depression or
anxiety, PTSD, or any otherpsychological disorders.
And so holiday stress factorscan can also include complex and
challenging family dynamics atfamily functions or grief over
(04:38):
the loss of a loved one, orgrief over the loss of a
relationship, or a familydynamic, or simply trying to
live up to the unrealisticexpectations of the quote, ideal
holiday.
There's a there's an interestingstatistic here from Life Hack,
and it and they say, quote, areyour holidays filled with
(04:59):
relaxation and quality time withfamily, or are you resorting to
drinking a little too mucheggnog to make it through?
If you are, you're not alone.
90% of Americans who completed asurvey indicated that they feel
stressed during the holidays,and 24% experience difficulty
with family members.
So, you know, while this festiveseason is filled with joy, the
(05:22):
sheer number of activities anderrands that you were gonna go
through to be prepared for forthe festivities can be really,
really hectic.
But don't fret.
There's there's some things youcan do to ensure the holiday
season is going to be packedwith more fun than than stress
and and anxiety.
So let's talk about that.
Let's uh let's go through thesesix tips for a stress-free
(05:46):
holiday season.
Number one, and this is a bigone that I've really started to
started to work into my lifeover, let's see, about the last
year, year and a half since Iwas working with a coach.
And yes, I am a coach and I workwith a coach.
Uh it's just become a lifestylenow because I see the benefits
(06:08):
of getting some help in my life.
But that is to plan and create aworking holiday schedule.
And some of you regularlisteners may have heard me
talking about block schedulingand putting uh your daily uh
routines and all of what you'regoing to do into a schedule and
(06:28):
into your calendar so thatyou're paying attention to what
you've got going on all the timeand maximum maximizing the time
in your day that's that you'redoing different tasks and also
being able to account for thoseas well because what gets
measured gets done.
And so you know, having thisplan for the holidays is gonna
(06:49):
prior to getting into it, isgonna help you to organize
everything so that you're notcaught off guard.
And you know, this includes allof the events that you might be
required to or or that you'rebeing requested of going to.
And we're gonna talk a littlebit about saying no to some of
(07:10):
these coming up in one of thenext tips, but also being on top
of and organized in things,particularly during this
transitionary period, whetheryou're going through the divorce
at this time right now andthings are uncertain, or even if
you're post-divorce and thiskind of new routines or you're
creating new uh experiences forthe kids, or it's just a little
(07:33):
bit different than the dynamicthat you've been experiencing
when you were all together as afamily.
So, you know, instead of buryingyour head in the sand or
drinking too much eggnog, likemy intros stated, just pay
attention to this stuff.
Plan ahead, plan accordingaccordingly, and it's just gonna
keep you from getting caught offcaught off a couple things.
(07:57):
One, getting caught caught offguard at the last minute and
maybe missing something or notshowing up how you want to, or
you know, not getting a plan orfiguring stuff out.
And we definitely don't want todo that.
The other thing it's gonna allowyou to do is really be able to
communicate what's going on withthe kiddos.
(08:17):
Because, hey, if you can imaginethe feelings and emotions that
you're going through in theuncertainty and potentially
sadness or whatever grievingprocess you're going through
during this, your kiddos are aswell.
So sharing with them kind of theexpectations around what's going
to happen during the holidayseason is a really phenomenal
(08:38):
way to just quell some of thosefears that that they'll have and
putting the schedule together,creating the the holiday
schedule, knowing what you'redoing personally, like how when
you're buying presents, whatparties you're going to, et
cetera, but also what thatschedule is going to look like
with your ex or your soon-to-beex, and communicating that with
(09:01):
the kiddos as to who's going tobe with who, on what day, if you
have a break and you've got anagreement with how many days
you're going to be going, thateach one of you are going to
have them communicate that withthe kids too.
If you're going to be going onvacation as well, that's uh good
to communicate so that they knowand understand what's going to
be happening, and also havesomething to look forward to as
(09:25):
well.
So the first tip to stress-freeholiday season is plan and
create a working holidayschedule.
And that's also not to say thatthat can't be fluid and that
can't be changing, that you canadd things in, you can delete
things and update things and orjust go with the flow with
things when they don't work outwell.
(09:45):
I just got an accident on a weekfrom Saturday, and we got
rear-ended, and we kind of hadto, we were on our way to some
some holiday celebrating and andlike a Christmas celebration.
So we kind of we had to go withthe flow with that.
So uh so life brings up some ofthese circumstances and just
trying to to control how wereact and and how we show up
(10:07):
when they they when they appearis the only thing that we can
control during this this chaoticand uncertain period of time
during divorce.
So number two, learn how to sayno in a polite manner.
So again, this is incrediblyimportant.
(10:28):
You're gonna be potentiallyinundated with solicitations
from friends and relatives andothers during the holiday
season.
And you may have some thingsthat you feel like you are
you're required to do and you'rerequired to show up for, you're
required to be involved with.
(10:48):
And so take this opportunity.
If you are like me, or or like Iwas, and and less so now, saying
no was really, really hard forme.
Saying no to requests to help,saying no to going to parties,
saying no to help with parties,saying no to whatever it might
(11:09):
be was just difficult anduncomfortable.
So I wanted to, my codependentnature wanted to be able to do
everything that I could possiblydo for everybody in order to get
the the love that I was needing.
And it was all dependent upon myability to perform.
And during the holidays, thatwas exacerbated because it's
(11:29):
just seems to be more going on.
And you add in everything I justdescribed with the the changing
environment and all thedifferent circumstances, and
that becomes kind of difficultto say no.
So make sure that you're taking,and we're going to talk about
this coming up too, is uh takingcare of yourself by saying no to
(11:51):
the things that that you justare are not needing to or
willing to be involved with atthe time, at this time.
And that doesn't mean that youcan't revisit those to do it in
or do it again next year, butyou can do it simply in in a
nice manner and a polite manner,which is I just don't have the
(12:11):
capacity to do that this year,or I'm I'm very sorry, but I
can't I can't do that this year.
I appreciate it.
However, you want to do it,however you feel comfortable in
doing it, but make sure just toreflect.
Take the time yourself toreflect on whether this is gonna
serve you, whether you need tosay no, and that's gonna better
(12:31):
serve you by doing that.
Yes, there might be people thatare upset about it.
Yes, your kids might get upsetif things are changing or you're
doing something different andyou're saying no to some things
that you otherwise would havebeen saying yes to or that
they're used to.
But just rest assured that theywill there will be there will be
(12:52):
a positive outcome to it in thethe setting of boundaries by
saying no is one of those thingsthat can lead to that positive
outcome.
So make sure to learn how to sayno in a polite manner.
That's number two.
Stay with us.
(13:13):
We'll be right back.
Hey fellas, it's me.
I'm hitting pause on thisepisode for a second because I
need to talk to you.
Are you listening right now,feeling overwhelmed, stuck,
worried about your kids, yourfinances are just what comes
next?
You know I get it, and that'swhy I started this podcast.
(13:33):
But I also know that listeningis one thing, and having a
personal advocate, a coach inyour corner is another.
(15:08):
Listening gives you information,coaching gives you a plan.
It's where we work one-on-one tocut through the confusion, build
your roadmap, and make sureyou're not just surviving this
divorce, but setting yourself upto thrive after it.
I want you to walk into the newyear with clarity and control.
So, as a thank you for being aloyal listener, I'm offering 25%
(15:32):
off one-on-one coaching bookedbetween now and the end of the
year.
This isn't just a discount.
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(15:53):
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That's dad's 25 at checkout onthe coaching tab at
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All right, let's get back to theshow.
(16:14):
Number three, stress-free,number three tip for a
stress-free holiday season.
Define and adhere to a budget.
I was just reading this weeksomething about the massive
increase in debt that ishappening, credit card debt,
particularly with Americansright now since the pandemic.
So I don't want to speculate asto what that might be or why
(16:38):
that might be with some of theserecord inflation and some of
these economic challenges thatwe're facing, I'm sure, are part
of it.
But the holidays always seemwith our commercialized society
in general about purchasing andbuying things and going through
stuff.
Uh, but the worry of money isalready exacerbated.
(16:59):
I'm not telling you uh duringdivorce, I'm not telling you
probably anything that you'renot already experiencing.
It's a simple math equation (17:04):
one household into two households
equals less money and moreexpenses.
So worrying about money duringthe holiday season probably is
not something that we want toadd to this our already
challenging burden that we have.
So make sure to create a budget.
(17:25):
Make sure that it's realisticfor yourself and that you're not
doing things that are outside ofwhat is comfortable for you.
Again, going back to number two,learning to say no to things is
okay.
And also being creative isreally a good thing.
I know there were some very,very lean Christmases in in our
(17:46):
house over the past decadepost-divorce and during the
divorce, particularly, that wasvery challenging.
And I had to come up with somecreative ways to still celebrate
the season and stay in thespirit of the season and still
make it something that wasmemorable for my daughters.
(18:06):
And I really can look back nowand say some of the stuff that I
had no idea would have such animpact.
Some of those creative and sillythings that that we did simply
out of necessity are some of thethings that they remembered and
they do remember and that theycomment on and that we continue
to do now more than the otherthings and or the other gifts or
(18:30):
or some of the other stuffthat's that I thought would be
more meaningful for them.
So this just goes to the pointof trusting in the process that
there is a there is somethinghappening and working in in our
lives and in our kids' livesthat we don't know.
We don't know what the positiveoutcomes are going to be for
(18:51):
them and what their experiencesare going to be for them and
what they're needing to learnfrom these experiences going
through this.
So I have the benefit ofhindsight, almost a decade
forward in this and being ableto look and see and say that.
I know if you're in the middleof this, that is hard to see,
(19:13):
and it might be incredibly hardto grasp, particularly with all
of these emotions and feelingscoming up, and maybe some shame
and guilt throughout this, but Iassure you that there are
positive outcomes ahead anddoing stuff like creatively
finding experiences or doingthings like homemade gifts or or
(19:37):
finding experiences as opposedto buying something for uh for
the kiddos or in in a way thatyou can celebrate the the season
can be a really phenomenal wayin which to uh assist you in
adhering, defining and adheringuh a budget that's going to be
comfortable for you through thisholiday season.
(19:59):
Now, you know, that's also notto say that there might be a
little bit of pushback ordisappointment from kids, but
they are resilient.
And I know that if you'relistening to this and and you're
trying to do the best thing thatyou can possibly do to get
through this, that's going tobring up emotions.
Emotions for me, it was emotionsof shame and feeling like I'm
not a good dad, and that'sthere's something wrong with me.
(20:22):
And that is a difficult thing.
Just know there's nothing wrongwith you.
There is nothing wrong with thefather that you are, and you are
working incredibly hard andmaking a great effort.
And by doing it differently,doing it creatively, creating
experiences that are meaningfuland less about things is a
positive thing, particularly inthe commercialized emphasis of
(20:45):
the season and just basicallythe commercialization and the
retail mentality around thiswhole holiday season.
So keep that in mind.
Try to reframe your mindset uharound that.
We're gonna talk about in stepsix how we can do that a little
bit.
But before we get to that stepsix, let's talk about step
number four, which is solicitassistance and delegate
(21:09):
responsibilities, right?
Everything that is going throughthis season because, hey, we
still got to work, we still gotto make a living, we still got
to reply to the attorneys.
We might need to do financialdisclosures.
It's just a guy who's on theworkshop last night that gets to
go to mediation just a couple ofdays right before Christmas.
I remember I think we had a Ihad a hearing just uh before was
(21:34):
it just before Christmas or inbetween in between Christmas and
New Year's, years back, four orfive years back, that just
really weighed on my mind.
So you'll you you add in to thatto work parties, and then maybe
you have the kids that are gonnabe off of school now, and then
you've got your parenting timeand how you're gonna manage that
(21:56):
while you're still working anddaycare for the kids while
they're at home.
And guys, I know it's uh it's ait's a lot.
So make sure that you are notshy about soliciting assistance
and delegating responsibility.
So let's talk about solicitingassistance, and that can be with
family members, that can be withfriends, that can be finding a
(22:17):
community of people that cansupport you.
That can be a church community,it can be the divorced advocate
community here as well.
We had uh lots of guys over touh the house here in Denver,
Colorado during Thanksgivinglast week.
We've got our holiday partycoming up tomorrow night, which
is by the time you listen tothis, it will have been Saturday
(22:39):
night previous to this beinglaunched.
But we've got 50 plus peoplecoming to that as well.
And if you don't have acommunity, perhaps think about
starting uh a community ofdivorced or divorcing dads in
and around where you're atthere.
Part of my journey andexperience was starting to do
that because I could not findthe community of divorced or
(22:59):
divorcing dads and the resourcesthat I needed.
And so I started this divorcedadvocate community to be able to
give you guys the community thatyou deserved and that you needed
going through this process.
So, hey, no time, no, no bettertime.
And if you if we can't find it,we create it, right?
So don't be afraid to solicitthat assistance and get
(23:19):
involved, get involved in ourcommunity with the the free uh
the through the free groupcoaching that we do on
semi-monthly meeting every everymonth.
We've also got the the workshopsgoing on as well.
Check all those out under theevents page that we have at the
(23:40):
divorced advocate.com website.
You'll see we've got officehours for members as well to
just show up and talk aboutanything that you've got going
on.
We've got some experts that aregetting involved and help uh
helping the guys to talk aboutand get through and work on some
of the stuff that they'reworking on through this, whether
that's co-parenting or managingthe stress or budgeting or
(24:03):
whatever we might be talkingabout.
So get involved with ourcommunity if you don't have one
as well.
And then the delegatingresponsibilities one, this is
the one that I also had to learnvery the very hard way.
Like if you've listened to meenough, basically I learned
everything the hard way, right?
It's basically pounding my headagainst the wall and God saying
over and over again, yeah, well,you haven't figured this one out
(24:26):
quite yet.
So here's uh here's another tofigure out and and deal with
until you figure until you'veit's sunk into your head, Jude.
But delegating theresponsibilities, and and I'm
gonna talk about that in thecontext of with our kiddos.
And I initially started reallybeing super dad at the at the
(24:46):
beginning, at the onset ofpost-divorce life and trying to
handle everything and get itdone and not show any weakness
or emotions to my daughters, andyou know, making sure that that
experience was gonna be exactlythe same that they experienced
their whole life and notdealing, not dealing with all
the feelings and emotions that Iwas coming up because I was just
gonna be strong and suck it upand deal with it and be a man.
(25:08):
And you know, that was just arecipe for disaster because I
literally burnt myself out andgot sick and made myself
miserable and upset.
And then that would learn wouldthat would lead to just you know
unhealthy interactions andblowing up because I just was so
stressed out.
So I say all that to saysoliciting responsibilities to
(25:30):
the kiddos, it can be a reallygood opportunity to help them to
get involved, get involved withthis season, this time of the
season.
And if the kids are off schooland they have time on their
hands, it's in and you'reneeding to send out your
Christmas cards.
I'm just gonna use this as anexample.
You still want to send outChristmas cards, but you know,
(25:52):
you don't want to have to go outand buy them or do the photos
and pay for that.
It could be an opportunity to dosomething creative like creating
homemade gifts, homemade cardswith them.
And you can sit down and do thatand delegate those
responsibilities for them tocreate some Christmas cards that
you'll send out to everybody.
And I don't know about you, butthe ones that come that are the
(26:12):
most, the most unique that Ifound that I love are the
Christmas cards that are eitherhomemade, handmade, or
handwritten, or are letters ofwhat's happened with everybody
in their uh family in thatparticular year, which is more
memorable and more meaningful,at least to me.
But anyway, that's just that isjust an example of a way in
(26:36):
which you can delegateresponsible responsibility to
the kiddos and helping them tocelebrate this season.
And it also empowers them tocontrol their own feelings and
their own abilities throughoutthis as well and models for them
getting through this challengingtime in a positive and creative
way.
(26:56):
This is a creative opportunityin divorce, and I talk about
that in the Dad's DivorceBlueprint course that we go
through and that you can find inthe app as well.
If you're a member, you've gotfree access to that course in
the mobile app.
But we talk about this as a as aas a creative opportunity to
(27:16):
figure out your life 2.0.
And we spend a whole section inthat dad's divorce blueprint in
in talking about that and how todo that.
So check that out, but alsostart doing it.
Start trying to figure out a wayto delegate that responsibility
with the kiddos.
All right, that's number four.
Number five is set aside timefor yourself and self-care.
(27:40):
Yes, I am a broken record aboutthat.
You uh heard it on the workshopif you were on last night.
You heard it in the workshoplast week, you hear it on every
most of every podcast wherewe're talking about tips is
taking care of yourself.
That's a thing, no matter what,during this divorce, you cannot
(28:01):
help anybody else.
You can't help your kiddos ifyou're not taking care of
yourself.
It's the old adage of putting onyour own oxygen mask before
putting somebody else's on.
And so set aside that time.
Again, this goes back to stepone, which is planning and
creating a working holidayschedule that, yes, does include
(28:21):
taking or scheduling in yourself-care, the workouts, the
therapy, the coaching, or the12-step or the uh church
community, whatever that mightbe, your spiritual development,
your mental, emotional time, allfour pillars or all four legs of
that stool, mental, emotional,physical, spiritual.
(28:42):
Make sure that you do createthat time during the holiday
period.
Right now, I was just lamentingthe fact that I just feel really
off with my schedule because ofthe Thanksgiving holiday.
And I had two kiddos out oftown, and I have one kiddo here,
and then we were in themountains, and my schedule, it's
just all out of whack.
And I'm just trying to get thaton this week, and it's just all
(29:04):
out of whack.
And like I mentioned with thecar accident, now we have we're
down one car and driving kidsaround.
And so, man, I know what it islike.
It is life and it is hectic, andyou add the divorce in, and
there's lots going on, but makesure.
And so I'm having to schedule mytime.
I've I've committed myself to myworkout schedule, at least, so
(29:25):
it's gone down at least to threedays a week.
So I'm making sure that I'mexercising three days a week,
and that was five days a week,but I just can't get to it now,
at least for the time being, atleast in these few weeks.
So I've just I've justreconciled myself to the fact
that it's going to be three daysa week.
And so let's see, this is I'mrecording this on a Friday.
I've already got two of thosethree weeks, so or three days.
(29:47):
So I will hit that, that otherone.
I've got it scheduled in mythird day tomorrow morning in
order to get that third workout.
But again, be uh malleable inthat or and also be creative in
that.
So that workout for for me ishas been a little bit different.
I I'm usually doing some liftingand some some heavy HIIT
(30:08):
training and whatnot, but I'vegot an injury that's going on,
and so I'm having to be creativeand also malleable and flexible
on what I'm doing.
So I'm gonna be doing some morecardio, be doing some swimming
in that as well.
So again, but just the pointbeing is that you are taking
care of that.
You are taking care of all thosefour, four four legs to that
(30:29):
stool, the mental, emotional,physical, it's and spiritual.
So make sure to set aside thattime.
You know, part of that might besaying no to one thing, like we
said in step two, saying no toone of those holiday parties
that you really didn't want toshow up to, that you can then go
and you can do your workout, oryou can schedule your therapy
session or your coachingsession, or or go to the the the
(30:52):
church group or 12-step or orjust to get together with
another friend or somebody elseor family members, or just spend
it with the kiddos doingsomething fun and creative uh as
well.
So, but just make sure that youdo set aside that time for
yourself.
So that's number five on thefifth tip for stress-free
holiday season.
(31:13):
And the final one, and I alludedthis to a little bit earlier
about reframing your mindset andhow we can do that is practicing
gratitude.
Gratitude is the mostunbelievable and amazing feeling
that you can practice and createin your life that is going to
(31:34):
move you in a positivedirection, you know, becoming
engrossed in these variousstressful problems, like I was
talking about with the upset ofmy schedule and no car and kids
out of town and my and justfeeling like everything is
chaotic.
And I don't, and I don't evenhave a divorce going on, guys.
So I I empathize and Iappreciate you all that you've
(31:57):
got going on as well.
It's just life.
Yeah, divorce in there as well.
So how do we how do we do thatand how do we stay in gratitude?
Because what happens is we canstart to ruminate on our past,
or and that's gonna start helpus to, or that's not gonna help
us, that's gonna start us indown that path of feeling sad or
(32:17):
depressed about stuff.
If we start looking back, westart ruminating on stuff that's
going on.
Or if we start thinking in thefuture and we start worrying
about what's gonna happen or howthings are gonna happen, or what
is the future.
Future going to look at like, orwhat are future Christmases or
holidays or whatever, likewhatever it might be.
Getting out of that mindset,because that then starts anxiety
(32:39):
and starts worry.
So we don't want to be, we wantto try to avoid this the stress,
or we want to try to avoid thedepression and sadness by
looking back.
We want to start to try to avoidthat uh worry and that anxiety
by looking forward and stayreally present in what's going
on right now, what's going on inyour life and practicing
gratitude can do that becauseyou literally cannot be in two
(33:02):
emotions at simultaneously.
So you can't be in that sadnessor depression by looking and
thinking back, or you can't bein that worry and anxiety by
looking forward if you can staypresent and in gratitude.
And so, how do you do that?
One way that I do that, and Iwork with clients in doing that
is creating a gratitude list.
(33:23):
So a couple of ways.
One is if you've if you'velistened and you've heard the
podcast episode or me going onand on, also about journaling
every morning in my one of myjournal prompts is I the things
that I am grateful for as I wakeup that day.
So every day I write a gratitudelist.
Also before bedtime and duringour prayers with my daughters,
(33:46):
we talk about what each one ofus is grateful for in that day.
That's another one.
One you can do on the fly.
And this is a great one,particularly during these, when
these emotions are coming up andthey're really challenging, and
they happen probably, at leastfor me, they did during times
that were really, reallyinconvenient, that you can stop
(34:07):
in, you can, you can, you canget it's called a pattern
interrupt.
You can interrupt that emotionby simply getting through that
emotion for the 20 seconds.
You could do it throughbreathing, but then if you
continue to feel like you'reyou're ruminating in that or
you're staying in that thatdepression or anxiety or
whatever that if that thatemotion is, you can interrupt
(34:29):
that pattern by writing out andjust taking five minutes.
It doesn't even have to be fiveminutes, it can be one minute.
As many things that you aregrateful for that come to your
mind in that moment.
And look, it doesn't have to becomplicated, you don't have to
overthink it.
It can be, I'm I'm grateful forthe opportunity to be grateful.
I'm I'm grateful for the pen andpaper that I have to write it
(34:51):
down, or the cell phone I havethat I can call to reach out to
somebody, or I can text somebodyto be uh to get some help, or
that I've got a warm office, orI have the ability to
communicate with you guysthrough this podcast platform or
through the membership communityor whatever it is.
Just write that list ofeverything that just it's a
consciousness of thought,anything that comes into your
(35:13):
mind.
I'm grateful for my kiddos.
I'm grateful for, I'm gratefulfor the holiday season, I'm
grateful, just write as many asyou can.
If you can write a hundred, thenwhat that's gonna do is that's
gonna pull you, it's gonnareframe you, it's gonna pattern
interrupt your neural pathwaysin going back to that that
emotional thinking of whateverit was that brought up that sad
(35:35):
emotion, depressed emotion,anxious, worry, whatever it is
that's coming up and bring youinto gratitude and bring you
into that present moment.
I'm telling you, it is anabsolutely miraculous way in
which to change the way in whichyour thoughts are going on the
fly.
So you can do that.
You can do that on your phone,you can write a list
electronically on your phone.
(35:57):
I think it's great to do it pento paper.
There's something about pen topaper that makes it even more
impactful because it's tactileand it registers uh somatically
in your body as well.
So if you can do that, if youhave an office or a comfortable
space where you can do it withpen to paper, that is even
better.
But if not, just even do it inyour mind and count out the
number of things that you aregrateful as you go through
(36:20):
those.
So that is number six, which ispractice gratitude.
So let's review those briefly.
And that is number one.
The first tip for a stress-freeholiday season is plan and
create a working holidayschedule.
Block that schedule out.
Make sure to put that in therebecause if not, things can get
(36:41):
stressful because it becomeschaotic and crazy.
Number two, learn how to say noin a polite manner.
It's okay to say no because thatis a form of self-care and
setting boundaries and importantfor you to do.
Number three, define and adhereto a budget.
If you're going through thedivorce, it may already be a
stressful uh financialsituation, and the thoughts
(37:04):
about that make it difficult.
Add on top of that, all of thewhat seemingly feels like the
expectations around the holidaysand spending money and gifts and
everything else.
So define it, adhere to aspecific budget during this
holidays.
Number four is solicitassistance and delegate
(37:26):
responsibilities.
Solicit that assistance and gethelp from anybody you possibly
can and delegate thoseresponsibilities.
You can definitely do that withthe kiddos and help to help them
to feel empowered during thisseason as well.
Number five is set time setaside time for yourself, stay on
that self-care, that mental,emotional, physical, and
(37:49):
spiritual legs of the stool anddo it, even if it is, like I
mentioned, a reduced schedule, areduced amount of time that you
spend with that or whatever itmight be, but just make sure
that you are definitely gettingthat in.
And finally, number six ispractice gratitude.
And it is the it is the time ofseason for being grateful for
(38:11):
all that we do have, even duringthis difficult and challenging
time during divorce.
You can utilize this as anopportunity.
I know if you're listening tothis, you are of the mindset of
being able to do that and modelthat as an experience for your
children who will look to youand going through something that
is one of the top things andmost challenging things that we
(38:33):
go through in our lives anddoing that in a manner that is
effective and is positive inmodeling for your kiddos.
So thanks for tuning in thisweek.
I sincerely appreciate it.
Please again check out thewebsites to get involved with
all of the resources at thedivorced advocate.com.
(38:55):
Check out the podcast, the blog,uh, the blogs as well that we've
got going on multiple times aweek in the events calendar, see
what's on there.
There's some free resources aswell.
And then consider becoming amember to uh jump into some more
of those deeper deeper thingswith some of the workshops and
classes, as well as the accessto more than 50 of those courses
(39:17):
on the uh mobile app as well.
Thank you so much.
Have a great week and God bless.
To hear the rest of this episodeand access the corresponding
resources, visit the divorcedadvocate.com and become a member
of our community.
It's free to join and willprovide you with the resources
(39:39):
you deserve as a divorced ordivorcing dad.
Thank you for listening.
God bless, and I'll talk withyou next week.
Hello and welcome to the Divorced Dadvocate, divorce
support for dads, where we helpdads create a healthy and less
traumatic divorce.
My name is Jude Sandval, and I'myour host.
I created this podcast in theDivorced Advocate community as a
result of my own high conflictdivorce, and because you, as a
dad, deserve all the resourcesnecessary to thrive through this
(01:42):
challenging time.
I encourage you to check out ourwebsite at
thedivorcedadvocate.com, wherethere are resources that
correspond to this episode, aswell as free access to our
membership community, where youwill find live meetings, free
workshops and courses, privatediscussion groups, and more.
And now on to this week'sepisode.
(02:06):
Hello and welcome to this week'sepisode.
I am so pleased that you arehere, and we are going to start
this week with a little bit ofworking through and talking
about how to handle the holidayswhile going through divorce.
We've already started thisoffline with a couple of what
(02:28):
I'm calling emergency workshops.
We talked the first week abouthandling your emotions during
the holidays.
And then just last night, we dida workshop around the five tips
for parents on managing holidaystress.
And if you weren't able to tunein to those, we did live stream
those as well on LinkedIn andFacebook.
(02:50):
If you didn't see those, you canyou can visit those on LinkedIn
and Facebook.
And if you haven't connectedwith me on LinkedIn and
Facebook, please do.
Or if you want to see thereplay, you can check that out
at the website under the podcasttab under the membership podcast
area there.
(03:10):
And if you're not already amember, check it out.
There's a free trial going onright now that you can get
access to all the resources thatthe divorced advocate community
has at the website for free.
So check that out as well.
And on that note, let's jumpinto today's topic, which is I'm
(03:30):
going to take it to the next,not the next level, but just
something else, which is sixtips for a stress-free holiday
season.
And, you know, for many people,the quote, most lovely time of
the year can quickly morph intothe quote, most stressful period
of the year.
And typically holiday stressors,when combined with a mental
(03:52):
condition, can trigger anoptimal tornado of heightened
stressors, illnesses, anddifficulties if we don't manage
those effectively.
And during the holiday periods,there are potential dangers at
every turn.
And you throw in the fact thatuh you're going through a
divorce and things are changingrapidly and things are kind of
(04:14):
chaotic and uncertain, and thatjust adds to it.
All that, uh all thesecircumstances also can be
exacerbated by symptoms ofpeople who suffer depression or
anxiety, PTSD, or any otherpsychological disorders.
And so holiday stress factorscan can also include complex and
challenging family dynamics atfamily functions or grief over
(04:38):
the loss of a loved one, orgrief over the loss of a
relationship, or a familydynamic, or simply trying to
live up to the unrealisticexpectations of the quote, ideal
holiday.
There's a there's an interestingstatistic here from Life Hack,
and it and they say, quote, areyour holidays filled with
(04:59):
relaxation and quality time withfamily, or are you resorting to
drinking a little too mucheggnog to make it through?
If you are, you're not alone.
90% of Americans who completed asurvey indicated that they feel
stressed during the holidays,and 24% experience difficulty
with family members.
So, you know, while this festiveseason is filled with joy, the
(05:22):
sheer number of activities anderrands that you were gonna go
through to be prepared for forthe festivities can be really,
really hectic.
But don't fret.
There's there's some things youcan do to ensure the holiday
season is going to be packedwith more fun than than stress
and and anxiety.
So let's talk about that.
Let's uh let's go through thesesix tips for a stress-free
(05:46):
holiday season.
Number one, and this is a bigone that I've really started to
started to work into my lifeover, let's see, about the last
year, year and a half since Iwas working with a coach.
And yes, I am a coach and I workwith a coach.
Uh it's just become a lifestylenow because I see the benefits
(06:08):
of getting some help in my life.
But that is to plan and create aworking holiday schedule.
And some of you regularlisteners may have heard me
talking about block schedulingand putting uh your daily uh
routines and all of what you'regoing to do into a schedule and
(06:28):
into your calendar so thatyou're paying attention to what
you've got going on all the timeand maximum maximizing the time
in your day that's that you'redoing different tasks and also
being able to account for thoseas well because what gets
measured gets done.
And so you know, having thisplan for the holidays is gonna
(06:49):
prior to getting into it, isgonna help you to organize
everything so that you're notcaught off guard.
And you know, this includes allof the events that you might be
required to or or that you'rebeing requested of going to.
And we're gonna talk a littlebit about saying no to some of
(07:10):
these coming up in one of thenext tips, but also being on top
of and organized in things,particularly during this
transitionary period, whetheryou're going through the divorce
at this time right now andthings are uncertain, or even if
you're post-divorce and thiskind of new routines or you're
creating new uh experiences forthe kids, or it's just a little
(07:33):
bit different than the dynamicthat you've been experiencing
when you were all together as afamily.
So, you know, instead of buryingyour head in the sand or
drinking too much eggnog, likemy intros stated, just pay
attention to this stuff.
Plan ahead, plan accordingaccordingly, and it's just gonna
keep you from getting caught offcaught off a couple things.
(07:57):
One, getting caught caught offguard at the last minute and
maybe missing something or notshowing up how you want to, or
you know, not getting a plan orfiguring stuff out.
And we definitely don't want todo that.
The other thing it's gonna allowyou to do is really be able to
communicate what's going on withthe kiddos.
(08:17):
Because, hey, if you can imaginethe feelings and emotions that
you're going through in theuncertainty and potentially
sadness or whatever grievingprocess you're going through
during this, your kiddos are aswell.
So sharing with them kind of theexpectations around what's going
to happen during the holidayseason is a really phenomenal
(08:38):
way to just quell some of thosefears that that they'll have and
putting the schedule together,creating the the holiday
schedule, knowing what you'redoing personally, like how when
you're buying presents, whatparties you're going to, et
cetera, but also what thatschedule is going to look like
with your ex or your soon-to-beex, and communicating that with
(09:01):
the kiddos as to who's going tobe with who, on what day, if you
have a break and you've got anagreement with how many days
you're going to be going, thateach one of you are going to
have them communicate that withthe kids too.
If you're going to be going onvacation as well, that's uh good
to communicate so that they knowand understand what's going to
be happening, and also havesomething to look forward to as
(09:25):
well.
So the first tip to stress-freeholiday season is plan and
create a working holidayschedule.
And that's also not to say thatthat can't be fluid and that
can't be changing, that you canadd things in, you can delete
things and update things and orjust go with the flow with
things when they don't work outwell.
(09:45):
I just got an accident on a weekfrom Saturday, and we got
rear-ended, and we kind of hadto, we were on our way to some
some holiday celebrating and andlike a Christmas celebration.
So we kind of we had to go withthe flow with that.
So uh so life brings up some ofthese circumstances and just
trying to to control how wereact and and how we show up
(10:07):
when they they when they appearis the only thing that we can
control during this this chaoticand uncertain period of time
during divorce.
So number two, learn how to sayno in a polite manner.
So again, this is incrediblyimportant.
(10:28):
You're gonna be potentiallyinundated with solicitations
from friends and relatives andothers during the holiday
season.
And you may have some thingsthat you feel like you are
you're required to do and you'rerequired to show up for, you're
required to be involved with.
(10:48):
And so take this opportunity.
If you are like me, or or like Iwas, and and less so now, saying
no was really, really hard forme.
Saying no to requests to help,saying no to going to parties,
saying no to help with parties,saying no to whatever it might
(11:09):
be was just difficult anduncomfortable.
So I wanted to, my codependentnature wanted to be able to do
everything that I could possiblydo for everybody in order to get
the the love that I was needing.
And it was all dependent upon myability to perform.
And during the holidays, thatwas exacerbated because it's
(11:29):
just seems to be more going on.
And you add in everything I justdescribed with the the changing
environment and all thedifferent circumstances, and
that becomes kind of difficultto say no.
So make sure that you're taking,and we're going to talk about
this coming up too, is uh takingcare of yourself by saying no to
(11:51):
the things that that you justare are not needing to or
willing to be involved with atthe time, at this time.
And that doesn't mean that youcan't revisit those to do it in
or do it again next year, butyou can do it simply in in a
nice manner and a polite manner,which is I just don't have the
(12:11):
capacity to do that this year,or I'm I'm very sorry, but I
can't I can't do that this year.
I appreciate it.
However, you want to do it,however you feel comfortable in
doing it, but make sure just toreflect.
Take the time yourself toreflect on whether this is gonna
serve you, whether you need tosay no, and that's gonna better
(12:31):
serve you by doing that.
Yes, there might be people thatare upset about it.
Yes, your kids might get upsetif things are changing or you're
doing something different andyou're saying no to some things
that you otherwise would havebeen saying yes to or that
they're used to.
But just rest assured that theywill there will be there will be
(12:52):
a positive outcome to it in thethe setting of boundaries by
saying no is one of those thingsthat can lead to that positive
outcome.
So make sure to learn how to sayno in a polite manner.
That's number two.
Stay with us.
(13:13):
We'll be right back.
Hey fellas, it's me.
I'm hitting pause on thisepisode for a second because I
need to talk to you.
Are you listening right now,feeling overwhelmed, stuck,
worried about your kids, yourfinances are just what comes
next?
You know I get it, and that'swhy I started this podcast.
(13:33):
But I also know that listeningis one thing, and having a
personal advocate, a coach inyour corner is another.
(15:08):
Listening gives you information,coaching gives you a plan.
It's where we work one-on-one tocut through the confusion, build
your roadmap, and make sureyou're not just surviving this
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I want you to walk into the newyear with clarity and control.
So, as a thank you for being aloyal listener, I'm offering 25%
(15:32):
off one-on-one coaching bookedbetween now and the end of the
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All right, let's get back to theshow.
(16:14):
Number three, stress-free,number three tip for a
stress-free holiday season.
Define and adhere to a budget.
I was just reading this weeksomething about the massive
increase in debt that ishappening, credit card debt,
particularly with Americansright now since the pandemic.
So I don't want to speculate asto what that might be or why
(16:38):
that might be with some of theserecord inflation and some of
these economic challenges thatwe're facing, I'm sure, are part
of it.
But the holidays always seemwith our commercialized society
in general about purchasing andbuying things and going through
stuff.
Uh, but the worry of money isalready exacerbated.
(16:59):
I'm not telling you uh duringdivorce, I'm not telling you
probably anything that you'renot already experiencing.
It's a simple math equation (17:04):
one household into two households
equals less money and moreexpenses.
So worrying about money duringthe holiday season probably is
not something that we want toadd to this our already
challenging burden that we have.
So make sure to create a budget.
(17:25):
Make sure that it's realisticfor yourself and that you're not
doing things that are outside ofwhat is comfortable for you.
Again, going back to number two,learning to say no to things is
okay.
And also being creative isreally a good thing.
I know there were some very,very lean Christmases in in our
(17:46):
house over the past decadepost-divorce and during the
divorce, particularly, that wasvery challenging.
And I had to come up with somecreative ways to still celebrate
the season and stay in thespirit of the season and still
make it something that wasmemorable for my daughters.
(18:06):
And I really can look back nowand say some of the stuff that I
had no idea would have such animpact.
Some of those creative and sillythings that that we did simply
out of necessity are some of thethings that they remembered and
they do remember and that theycomment on and that we continue
to do now more than the otherthings and or the other gifts or
(18:30):
or some of the other stuffthat's that I thought would be
more meaningful for them.
So this just goes to the pointof trusting in the process that
there is a there is somethinghappening and working in in our
lives and in our kids' livesthat we don't know.
We don't know what the positiveoutcomes are going to be for
(18:51):
them and what their experiencesare going to be for them and
what they're needing to learnfrom these experiences going
through this.
So I have the benefit ofhindsight, almost a decade
forward in this and being ableto look and see and say that.
I know if you're in the middleof this, that is hard to see,
(19:13):
and it might be incredibly hardto grasp, particularly with all
of these emotions and feelingscoming up, and maybe some shame
and guilt throughout this, but Iassure you that there are
positive outcomes ahead anddoing stuff like creatively
finding experiences or doingthings like homemade gifts or or
(19:37):
finding experiences as opposedto buying something for uh for
the kiddos or in in a way thatyou can celebrate the the season
can be a really phenomenal wayin which to uh assist you in
adhering, defining and adheringuh a budget that's going to be
comfortable for you through thisholiday season.
(19:59):
Now, you know, that's also notto say that there might be a
little bit of pushback ordisappointment from kids, but
they are resilient.
And I know that if you'relistening to this and and you're
trying to do the best thing thatyou can possibly do to get
through this, that's going tobring up emotions.
Emotions for me, it was emotionsof shame and feeling like I'm
not a good dad, and that'sthere's something wrong with me.
(20:22):
And that is a difficult thing.
Just know there's nothing wrongwith you.
There is nothing wrong with thefather that you are, and you are
working incredibly hard andmaking a great effort.
And by doing it differently,doing it creatively, creating
experiences that are meaningfuland less about things is a
positive thing, particularly inthe commercialized emphasis of
(20:45):
the season and just basicallythe commercialization and the
retail mentality around thiswhole holiday season.
So keep that in mind.
Try to reframe your mindset uharound that.
We're gonna talk about in stepsix how we can do that a little
bit.
But before we get to that stepsix, let's talk about step
number four, which is solicitassistance and delegate
(21:09):
responsibilities, right?
Everything that is going throughthis season because, hey, we
still got to work, we still gotto make a living, we still got
to reply to the attorneys.
We might need to do financialdisclosures.
It's just a guy who's on theworkshop last night that gets to
go to mediation just a couple ofdays right before Christmas.
I remember I think we had a Ihad a hearing just uh before was
(21:34):
it just before Christmas or inbetween in between Christmas and
New Year's, years back, four orfive years back, that just
really weighed on my mind.
So you'll you you add in to thatto work parties, and then maybe
you have the kids that are gonnabe off of school now, and then
you've got your parenting timeand how you're gonna manage that
(21:56):
while you're still working anddaycare for the kids while
they're at home.
And guys, I know it's uh it's ait's a lot.
So make sure that you are notshy about soliciting assistance
and delegating responsibility.
So let's talk about solicitingassistance, and that can be with
family members, that can be withfriends, that can be finding a
(22:17):
community of people that cansupport you.
That can be a church community,it can be the divorced advocate
community here as well.
We had uh lots of guys over touh the house here in Denver,
Colorado during Thanksgivinglast week.
We've got our holiday partycoming up tomorrow night, which
is by the time you listen tothis, it will have been Saturday
(22:39):
night previous to this beinglaunched.
But we've got 50 plus peoplecoming to that as well.
And if you don't have acommunity, perhaps think about
starting uh a community ofdivorced or divorcing dads in
and around where you're atthere.
Part of my journey andexperience was starting to do
that because I could not findthe community of divorced or
(22:59):
divorcing dads and the resourcesthat I needed.
And so I started this divorcedadvocate community to be able to
give you guys the community thatyou deserved and that you needed
going through this process.
So, hey, no time, no, no bettertime.
And if you if we can't find it,we create it, right?
So don't be afraid to solicitthat assistance and get
(23:19):
involved, get involved in ourcommunity with the the free uh
the through the free groupcoaching that we do on
semi-monthly meeting every everymonth.
We've also got the the workshopsgoing on as well.
Check all those out under theevents page that we have at the
(23:40):
divorced advocate.com website.
You'll see we've got officehours for members as well to
just show up and talk aboutanything that you've got going
on.
We've got some experts that aregetting involved and help uh
helping the guys to talk aboutand get through and work on some
of the stuff that they'reworking on through this, whether
that's co-parenting or managingthe stress or budgeting or
(24:03):
whatever we might be talkingabout.
So get involved with ourcommunity if you don't have one
as well.
And then the delegatingresponsibilities one, this is
the one that I also had to learnvery the very hard way.
Like if you've listened to meenough, basically I learned
everything the hard way, right?
It's basically pounding my headagainst the wall and God saying
over and over again, yeah, well,you haven't figured this one out
(24:26):
quite yet.
So here's uh here's another tofigure out and and deal with
until you figure until you'veit's sunk into your head, Jude.
But delegating theresponsibilities, and and I'm
gonna talk about that in thecontext of with our kiddos.
And I initially started reallybeing super dad at the at the
(24:46):
beginning, at the onset ofpost-divorce life and trying to
handle everything and get itdone and not show any weakness
or emotions to my daughters, andyou know, making sure that that
experience was gonna be exactlythe same that they experienced
their whole life and notdealing, not dealing with all
the feelings and emotions that Iwas coming up because I was just
gonna be strong and suck it upand deal with it and be a man.
(25:08):
And you know, that was just arecipe for disaster because I
literally burnt myself out andgot sick and made myself
miserable and upset.
And then that would learn wouldthat would lead to just you know
unhealthy interactions andblowing up because I just was so
stressed out.
So I say all that to saysoliciting responsibilities to
(25:30):
the kiddos, it can be a reallygood opportunity to help them to
get involved, get involved withthis season, this time of the
season.
And if the kids are off schooland they have time on their
hands, it's in and you'reneeding to send out your
Christmas cards.
I'm just gonna use this as anexample.
You still want to send outChristmas cards, but you know,
(25:52):
you don't want to have to go outand buy them or do the photos
and pay for that.
It could be an opportunity to dosomething creative like creating
homemade gifts, homemade cardswith them.
And you can sit down and do thatand delegate those
responsibilities for them tocreate some Christmas cards that
you'll send out to everybody.
And I don't know about you, butthe ones that come that are the
(26:12):
most, the most unique that Ifound that I love are the
Christmas cards that are eitherhomemade, handmade, or
handwritten, or are letters ofwhat's happened with everybody
in their uh family in thatparticular year, which is more
memorable and more meaningful,at least to me.
But anyway, that's just that isjust an example of a way in
(26:36):
which you can delegateresponsible responsibility to
the kiddos and helping them tocelebrate this season.
And it also empowers them tocontrol their own feelings and
their own abilities throughoutthis as well and models for them
getting through this challengingtime in a positive and creative
way.
(26:56):
This is a creative opportunityin divorce, and I talk about
that in the Dad's DivorceBlueprint course that we go
through and that you can find inthe app as well.
If you're a member, you've gotfree access to that course in
the mobile app.
But we talk about this as a as aas a creative opportunity to
(27:16):
figure out your life 2.0.
And we spend a whole section inthat dad's divorce blueprint in
in talking about that and how todo that.
So check that out, but alsostart doing it.
Start trying to figure out a wayto delegate that responsibility
with the kiddos.
All right, that's number four.
Number five is set aside timefor yourself and self-care.
(27:40):
Yes, I am a broken record aboutthat.
You uh heard it on the workshopif you were on last night.
You heard it in the workshoplast week, you hear it on every
most of every podcast wherewe're talking about tips is
taking care of yourself.
That's a thing, no matter what,during this divorce, you cannot
(28:01):
help anybody else.
You can't help your kiddos ifyou're not taking care of
yourself.
It's the old adage of putting onyour own oxygen mask before
putting somebody else's on.
And so set aside that time.
Again, this goes back to stepone, which is planning and
creating a working holidayschedule that, yes, does include
(28:21):
taking or scheduling in yourself-care, the workouts, the
therapy, the coaching, or the12-step or the uh church
community, whatever that mightbe, your spiritual development,
your mental, emotional time, allfour pillars or all four legs of
that stool, mental, emotional,physical, spiritual.
(28:42):
Make sure that you do createthat time during the holiday
period.
Right now, I was just lamentingthe fact that I just feel really
off with my schedule because ofthe Thanksgiving holiday.
And I had two kiddos out oftown, and I have one kiddo here,
and then we were in themountains, and my schedule, it's
just all out of whack.
And I'm just trying to get thaton this week, and it's just all
(29:04):
out of whack.
And like I mentioned with thecar accident, now we have we're
down one car and driving kidsaround.
And so, man, I know what it islike.
It is life and it is hectic, andyou add the divorce in, and
there's lots going on, but makesure.
And so I'm having to schedule mytime.
I've I've committed myself to myworkout schedule, at least, so
(29:25):
it's gone down at least to threedays a week.
So I'm making sure that I'mexercising three days a week,
and that was five days a week,but I just can't get to it now,
at least for the time being, atleast in these few weeks.
So I've just I've justreconciled myself to the fact
that it's going to be three daysa week.
And so let's see, this is I'mrecording this on a Friday.
I've already got two of thosethree weeks, so or three days.
(29:47):
So I will hit that, that otherone.
I've got it scheduled in mythird day tomorrow morning in
order to get that third workout.
But again, be uh malleable inthat or and also be creative in
that.
So that workout for for me ishas been a little bit different.
I I'm usually doing some liftingand some some heavy HIIT
(30:08):
training and whatnot, but I'vegot an injury that's going on,
and so I'm having to be creativeand also malleable and flexible
on what I'm doing.
So I'm gonna be doing some morecardio, be doing some swimming
in that as well.
So again, but just the pointbeing is that you are taking
care of that.
You are taking care of all thosefour, four four legs to that
(30:29):
stool, the mental, emotional,physical, it's and spiritual.
So make sure to set aside thattime.
You know, part of that might besaying no to one thing, like we
said in step two, saying no toone of those holiday parties
that you really didn't want toshow up to, that you can then go
and you can do your workout, oryou can schedule your therapy
session or your coachingsession, or or go to the the the
(30:52):
church group or 12-step or orjust to get together with
another friend or somebody elseor family members, or just spend
it with the kiddos doingsomething fun and creative uh as
well.
So, but just make sure that youdo set aside that time for
yourself.
So that's number five on thefifth tip for stress-free
holiday season.
(31:13):
And the final one, and I alludedthis to a little bit earlier
about reframing your mindset andhow we can do that is practicing
gratitude.
Gratitude is the mostunbelievable and amazing feeling
that you can practice and createin your life that is going to
(31:34):
move you in a positivedirection, you know, becoming
engrossed in these variousstressful problems, like I was
talking about with the upset ofmy schedule and no car and kids
out of town and my and justfeeling like everything is
chaotic.
And I don't, and I don't evenhave a divorce going on, guys.
So I I empathize and Iappreciate you all that you've
(31:57):
got going on as well.
It's just life.
Yeah, divorce in there as well.
So how do we how do we do thatand how do we stay in gratitude?
Because what happens is we canstart to ruminate on our past,
or and that's gonna start helpus to, or that's not gonna help
us, that's gonna start us indown that path of feeling sad or
(32:17):
depressed about stuff.
If we start looking back, westart ruminating on stuff that's
going on.
Or if we start thinking in thefuture and we start worrying
about what's gonna happen or howthings are gonna happen, or what
is the future.
Future going to look at like, orwhat are future Christmases or
holidays or whatever, likewhatever it might be.
Getting out of that mindset,because that then starts anxiety
(32:39):
and starts worry.
So we don't want to be, we wantto try to avoid this the stress,
or we want to try to avoid thedepression and sadness by
looking back.
We want to start to try to avoidthat uh worry and that anxiety
by looking forward and stayreally present in what's going
on right now, what's going on inyour life and practicing
gratitude can do that becauseyou literally cannot be in two
(33:02):
emotions at simultaneously.
So you can't be in that sadnessor depression by looking and
thinking back, or you can't bein that worry and anxiety by
looking forward if you can staypresent and in gratitude.
And so, how do you do that?
One way that I do that, and Iwork with clients in doing that
is creating a gratitude list.
(33:23):
So a couple of ways.
One is if you've if you'velistened and you've heard the
podcast episode or me going onand on, also about journaling
every morning in my one of myjournal prompts is I the things
that I am grateful for as I wakeup that day.
So every day I write a gratitudelist.
Also before bedtime and duringour prayers with my daughters,
(33:46):
we talk about what each one ofus is grateful for in that day.
That's another one.
One you can do on the fly.
And this is a great one,particularly during these, when
these emotions are coming up andthey're really challenging, and
they happen probably, at leastfor me, they did during times
that were really, reallyinconvenient, that you can stop
(34:07):
in, you can, you can, you canget it's called a pattern
interrupt.
You can interrupt that emotionby simply getting through that
emotion for the 20 seconds.
You could do it throughbreathing, but then if you
continue to feel like you'reyou're ruminating in that or
you're staying in that thatdepression or anxiety or
whatever that if that thatemotion is, you can interrupt
(34:29):
that pattern by writing out andjust taking five minutes.
It doesn't even have to be fiveminutes, it can be one minute.
As many things that you aregrateful for that come to your
mind in that moment.
And look, it doesn't have to becomplicated, you don't have to
overthink it.
It can be, I'm I'm grateful forthe opportunity to be grateful.
I'm I'm grateful for the pen andpaper that I have to write it
(34:51):
down, or the cell phone I havethat I can call to reach out to
somebody, or I can text somebodyto be uh to get some help, or
that I've got a warm office, orI have the ability to
communicate with you guysthrough this podcast platform or
through the membership communityor whatever it is.
Just write that list ofeverything that just it's a
consciousness of thought,anything that comes into your
(35:13):
mind.
I'm grateful for my kiddos.
I'm grateful for, I'm gratefulfor the holiday season, I'm
grateful, just write as many asyou can.
If you can write a hundred, thenwhat that's gonna do is that's
gonna pull you, it's gonnareframe you, it's gonna pattern
interrupt your neural pathwaysin going back to that that
emotional thinking of whateverit was that brought up that sad
(35:35):
emotion, depressed emotion,anxious, worry, whatever it is
that's coming up and bring youinto gratitude and bring you
into that present moment.
I'm telling you, it is anabsolutely miraculous way in
which to change the way in whichyour thoughts are going on the
fly.
So you can do that.
You can do that on your phone,you can write a list
electronically on your phone.
(35:57):
I think it's great to do it pento paper.
There's something about pen topaper that makes it even more
impactful because it's tactileand it registers uh somatically
in your body as well.
So if you can do that, if youhave an office or a comfortable
space where you can do it withpen to paper, that is even
better.
But if not, just even do it inyour mind and count out the
number of things that you aregrateful as you go through
(36:20):
those.
So that is number six, which ispractice gratitude.
So let's review those briefly.
And that is number one.
The first tip for a stress-freeholiday season is plan and
create a working holidayschedule.
Block that schedule out.
Make sure to put that in therebecause if not, things can get
(36:41):
stressful because it becomeschaotic and crazy.
Number two, learn how to say noin a polite manner.
It's okay to say no because thatis a form of self-care and
setting boundaries and importantfor you to do.
Number three, define and adhereto a budget.
If you're going through thedivorce, it may already be a
stressful uh financialsituation, and the thoughts
(37:04):
about that make it difficult.
Add on top of that, all of thewhat seemingly feels like the
expectations around the holidaysand spending money and gifts and
everything else.
So define it, adhere to aspecific budget during this
holidays.
Number four is solicitassistance and delegate
(37:26):
responsibilities.
Solicit that assistance and gethelp from anybody you possibly
can and delegate thoseresponsibilities.
You can definitely do that withthe kiddos and help to help them
to feel empowered during thisseason as well.
Number five is set time setaside time for yourself, stay on
that self-care, that mental,emotional, physical, and
(37:49):
spiritual legs of the stool anddo it, even if it is, like I
mentioned, a reduced schedule, areduced amount of time that you
spend with that or whatever itmight be, but just make sure
that you are definitely gettingthat in.
And finally, number six ispractice gratitude.
And it is the it is the time ofseason for being grateful for
(38:11):
all that we do have, even duringthis difficult and challenging
time during divorce.
You can utilize this as anopportunity.
I know if you're listening tothis, you are of the mindset of
being able to do that and modelthat as an experience for your
children who will look to youand going through something that
is one of the top things andmost challenging things that we
(38:33):
go through in our lives anddoing that in a manner that is
effective and is positive inmodeling for your kiddos.
So thanks for tuning in thisweek.
I sincerely appreciate it.
Please again check out thewebsites to get involved with
all of the resources at thedivorced advocate.com.
(38:55):
Check out the podcast, the blog,uh, the blogs as well that we've
got going on multiple times aweek in the events calendar, see
what's on there.
There's some free resources aswell.
And then consider becoming amember to uh jump into some more
of those deeper deeper thingswith some of the workshops and
classes, as well as the accessto more than 50 of those courses
(39:17):
on the uh mobile app as well.
Thank you so much.
Have a great week and God bless.
To hear the rest of this episodeand access the corresponding
resources, visit the divorcedadvocate.com and become a member
of our community.
It's free to join and willprovide you with the resources
(39:39):
you deserve as a divorced ordivorcing dad.
Thank you for listening.
God bless, and I'll talk withyou next week.
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