10 BDSM Rules You Should Probably Break

#148 You've been told these BDSM rules are non-negotiable. But are they? We're challenging 10 of the most common BDSM "rules", revealing which protect you, which are outdated, and which may be holding you back. Press play and challenge everything you thought you knew.

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Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Here's the thing about BDSM rules.
A lot of them aren't actuallyabout your safety.
They're about looking safe.
They're about coveringliability.
They're about educators beingable to say, well, I told them
the rule if something goeswrong.
So nobody can come back andblame them later.

(00:22):
And I get it.
I've written roles like thatmyself because it's easier to
hand someone a clean list thanto rattle off all the
expectations and gray areasinvolved.
So today I'm going through 10roles you've probably heard a
hundred times, the ones that getrepeated, like they're gospel,

(00:43):
and I'm going to tell you whichones actually protect you, which
ones are just performance, andwhich ones might even be a waste
of your time.
Some of these are going to makeyou nod along, and a couple of
them might make you a little madat me.
Good.
Stick around anyway.
Welcome to the Dom Sub Livingpodcast.

(01:05):
Hey, I'm Alessandra, and a fewyears ago, I said something on
Instagram that got me called arape apologist.
Fun times.
I wasn't advocating for anythingdangerous.
I was just telling the truthabout my own relationship.
And by the end of this episode,I'm going to tell you exactly

(01:27):
what I said and why I'd say itagain, because it's rule number
one on this list.
It's the one people get the mostdefensive about.
But before we get into this, aquick disclaimer because I
already know exactly how thetrolls are gonna clip this
episode apart.
I am not telling you to throwsafety out the window.

(01:49):
Every single one of these rulesexists for a reason.
And for a lot of you, especiallyif you're newer, these are
genuinely excellent guidelines.
Follow them.
Like please follow them.
What I'm challenging is thealways do this or the never do
this.

(02:10):
The idea that there is onecorrect way to do this, and
everyone doing it differently isdoing it wrong.
If you're a fan of this podcast,you already know I'm a Star Wars
fan, so you already know whereI'm going with this, but only a
Sith deals in absolutes.
And to be honest, I fell intothis trap too.

(02:31):
I talk in absolutes constantly.
Some of that's just mypersonality, some of it's my
OCD, wanting a clean role tofollow.
So this isn't me looking down atanyone.
This is me, including myself.

So here's what we're doing (02:47):
10 roles ranked from, okay, this
one's mostly fine to bend, tookay, this one is going to make
some educators mad.
Stick around because the lasttwo are the ones people fight
about in my comment sectionevery single time.
So let's get into it.

Rule number 10 (03:08):
there's no right way to do BDSM.
This one might be the mostcontroversial rule on the whole
list, and it's usually set as acomfort.
Like, there's no wrong way to dothis.
You do you.
I get why people say it.
It's it's meant to be kind ofyou know nice and freeing.

(03:30):
Uh but is that actually true?

Well, here's my take (03:32):
there's no single style, no one
relationship structure, no onekink, no one look.
That's the real version of this.
But what you see in porn isn'tit?
What you read in Fifty Shades ofGrey, isn't it?
That's a marketing version ofit, not the real thing.

(03:55):
But healthier and less healthyways to communicate and
negotiate and build arelationship do exist.
A dynamic built on enthusiasticand ongoing consent isn't
equally valid to one built onpressure and guilt just because
both people are doing kink.

(04:16):
I hear from women in mycommunity all the time who were
told, well, he's your dom, youjust have to trust him.
When what was actually happeningwas manipulation and coercion.
That's not a style difference.
That's actual harm.
The style is flexible, thefoundation isn't.

(04:39):
So next time someone tells youthere's no wrong or right way,
ask yourself no wrong or rightway to do what exactly?
Like the aesthetic?
Sure.
You know, wear leather or don't,use the title or don't.
That part is genuinely up toyou.
The consent part?

(04:59):
No.
I don't think that part is upfor debate.
And by the way, if you want aplace to start exploring what
you actually like withoutpressure, go grab our free
checklist of over 50 kinks atdomtubliving.comslash checklist.
I'll drop it in the descriptiontoo.
But rule number nine is 24-7 isthe real or advanced version.

(05:26):
People accuse me of teachingthis all the time because I talk
a lot about 24-7 dynamics andtotal power exchange.
I'm in a 24-7 dynamic myself.
So let me set the recordstraight right now.
That is not the goal.
I am not teaching a relationshipescalator where you start

(05:48):
bedroom only and then graduateto outside the bedroom part-time
and then level up to 24-7 andthen finally unlock total power
exchange like it's some kind ofachievement system you have to
grind your way through, likeit's a video game.
It's perfectly okay to staybedroom only.

(06:09):
It's perfectly okay to be sceneonly or part-time.
None of those are better thanthe others.
Half the time, they're not evenmore advanced or even harder.
They're just different.
And here's what I reallybelieve: there's something to
learn from every single one ofthose structures, no matter

(06:29):
which one you're in.
Someone in a 24-7 dynamic canlearn from someone who's bedroom
only.
And it goes the other way too.
I have members in my communitywho have been seen only for a
decade, and they understandpower exchange better than
couples who call themselvestotal power exchange, who have

(06:49):
never actually sat down andtalked about what that means to
each of them.
What I do tell my students andclients though is that a lot of
what happens outside the bedroomand scene affects what happens
inside the bedroom and scene.
But if you've ever felt behindbecause you haven't gone full
time, you're not behind.

(07:11):
You're not on anyone's timelinebut your own.
So stop comparing yourrelationship to a stranger's
highlight reel on Instagram.
Now, rule number eight that youshould probably break try lots
of kinks before deciding whatyou like.
It's common advice, right?
Like explore everything, try itall once.

(07:32):
That's how you find out what youlike.
Here's my problem with that.
This can genuinely be traumatic.
If you force yourself into anexperience that goes badly, your
body doesn't shrug it off.
It can build a real traumaresponse, and that influences
how you feel about kink for along time, sometimes even years.

(07:55):
Here's what nobody tells you.
You don't actually have to dosomething to know if it's for
you.
You can read about it, you canwatch someone else do it, either
at a dungeon or in a video.
Being curious about it doesn'trequire participation.
I have talked to so many peoplewho assumed they had to

(08:17):
physically try impact play orknife play or breath play to
know if it wasn't for them ornot.
When honestly, just reading adetailed scene description could
tell them everything they neededto know about their own
reaction.
If you do want a low-pressureway to figure out what actually
interests you, that checklist Imentioned covers over 50

(08:41):
different kinks, so you can sitwith the idea of something
before you ever attempt it.
But the bigger point stillstands.
You're also allowed to find onething you love and just stay
there.
You don't have to try everythingon the whole menu.
Now, rule number seven, youshould probably break you have
to negotiate everythingbeforehand.

(09:03):
This is genuinely great advicefor newer partners, and I want
to say that clearly before Ipush back on it.
If you're new, formal, thoroughnegotiation before every scene
is going to serve you well.
But for established partners,negotiation usually stops being

(09:24):
a formal checklist and turnsinto something organic and
ongoing instead.
It's like a conversation thatnever really closes.
Some dynamics, though, thrive onspontaneity and the trust that's
been built over years and not afresh checklist every single

(09:45):
session.
That doesn't mean consent stopsmattering or that you don't need
a contract.
It just means consent gets builtin differently through years of
check-ins and body language andknowing each other's patterns so
well that a lot goes unsaidbecause it already has been said

(10:06):
a hundred times before.
This connects to a whole episodeI did on free use, where we go
deep into blanket consent andwhat that really means in
practice, including how to buildit slowly instead of just
declaring it out of the blue oneday and hoping for the best.
So if this idea is new to you,go back and listen to that

(10:30):
episode next.
Quick gut check for you though.
When's the last time you andyour partner actually talked
about what negotiated means foryour relationship instead of
just assuming you're doing itthe textbook way?
Okay, we're getting into theheavier rules you should
probably break.

(10:50):
So let's keep going.
So, rule number six, aftercarehas to happen immediately.
Okay, I need to set the recordstraight on this one because
even educators get this onewrong constantly.
Aftercare doesn't mean cuddling,it doesn't mean a romantic wind

(11:12):
down.
That's one version of it, andit's a lovely one, but it's not
the definition.
Aftercare comes from the medicalfield, it's what you do after a
procedure to help someonerecover.
When it's applied to a scene, itjust means whatever happens

(11:32):
after to help you come backdown.
And that can look completelydifferent from one person to the
next.
And it doesn't have to happenright away.
I'll tell you what mine lookslike.
So after an intense scene, a lotof times my Dom cannot touch me.
He cannot talk to me.

(11:53):
I'm in this otherworldly state.
And especially after somethinglike consensual non-consent, if
he tries to touch me too soon,my body might actually react and
go after him.
So he gives me a lot of space,he gives me time.
Sometimes we don't do aftercareuntil the next day.

(12:17):
Does that make what we do wrong?
No.
It just means aftercare looksdifferent depending on the
person.
And one more thing, peopleforget constantly: DOMs need
aftercare too.
This isn't a one-way service.
If you're only checking in onthe submissive afterword, you're
missing half of the equation.

(12:40):
I get messages weekly from DOMwho feel selfish even asking for
aftercare.
Like they feel like the wholepoint of the role is to never
need anything back.
That's not sustainable and it'snot fair to either of you.
A relationship where only oneperson's needs get tended to

(13:01):
isn't a power exchange, it's apower imbalance.
Now, rule number five is youhave to be part of the community
to be legit.
Now, I still encourage people toget involved, to go to munches,
community events, even our freeonline boot camp that we do.

(13:23):
We also have a free community atdumpsobliving.com/slash
community.
And honestly, community is oneof the fastest ways to grow in
this lifestyle.
A lot of times I say it takes avillage to raise a kinkster.
But here's the reality.
I know community isn't alwaysaccessible for everyone.

(13:46):
In-person events are a lot oftimes hard to find if you live
somewhere rural.
That's why, if you're a memberof our All Access Pass, we have
directories for findingin-person events, even in rural
areas, including a lot of oneswhere people wouldn't even think
to search for on their own.
But some people are also dealingwith health issues.

(14:10):
Some people have social anxietythat makes a room full of
strangers at a dungeon feelimpossible.
Some people are part ofmarginalized groups, and so they
legitimately don't feel safeattending in-person events.
But if you don't go to munches,if you're not in the scene the
way people picture it, you arestill just as legitimate as

(14:34):
anyone else in this community.
In your own home counts, on yourcomputer counts, in your bedroom
counts.
Now, rule number four that youcan probably break is never play
with someone you just met.

(16:19):
This one gets taught hard,especially after the Me Too
movement that hit the KingSpaces too, and for good reason.
Vetting is important, but whenit's taken to the extreme, it
can also turn it intogatekeeping that just kind of
assumes that everyone's apredator by default.

(16:43):
But to be honest, it can also bereally, really fun and hot to
play with someone you just met.
You go to a dungeon, you meetsomeone, you hit it off, and you
say, like, hey, wanna play for alittle bit?
You talk about hard limits, youtalk safe words really quick,

(17:04):
and ideally there are dungeonmonitors on the floor whose
entire job is keeping everybodysafe and they're just kind of
watching from a few feet withoutreally hovering over you.
So is that reckless or is itjust a different
community-supported way ofmeeting people?
I'd argue that it depends on theprecautions you take in the

(17:27):
moment, not on how many monthsyou've known that person.
A stranger with a clearconversation about limits can be
safer than a partner that you'vehad for five years who's never
once asked what your hard limitsactually are.
I've seen both, so more timedoesn't necessarily mean a more

(17:49):
healthy relationship.
All right, we're almost to thetwo everyone fights about in my
comments.
So rule number three, you canprobably break.
Don't enter a 24-7 relationshipright away.
The standard advice is to be ina DS dynamic for six months to a
full year before going 24-7.

(18:11):
And for a lot of people, thatpacing is genuinely smart.
But some people do better goingcold turkey on vanilla.
Me and my Dom, we didn't easeinto this.
We were doing kink a little bitin the bedroom, then started
adding, you know, elementsoutside the bedroom.

(18:31):
And then one day we just said,what if we just did this full
time?
So we did.
There was no weekends onlyphase, no slow ramp up.
We did check-ins constantlyalong the way, of course.
We still do that, but we didn'tease into it.
We just decided to completelystop being vanilla one day, and

(18:55):
it worked.
So ask yourself, is the one-yearrole or the six-month role is
that actually protecting people,or is it just the average
timeline getting treated likethe only correct one?
Now, rule number two, you canprobably break never play under

(19:15):
the influence of anything.
This is a near universal safetyteaching.
And on the intensity and riskside, it's good advice for a
real reason.
I want to say that clearlybefore I say what I'm about to
say.
But I think the absolutismaround it gets a little narrow,

(19:37):
like culturally narrow.
So many other cultures usealcohol completely different
than we do here in America.
A glass of wine before a scenemeans something very different
in a culture where wine is justa part of dinner than it does in
a culture here that has a hugedrinking problem.

(20:00):
And treating both cultures theexact same way ignores the
difference.
For the record, I personallyhaven't had a drink in years and
I don't use recreationalsubstances either.
This isn't me arguing for myselfor advocating for what I think
is right.

(20:21):
But other cultures do thingsdifferently.
And if we act like everyone hasto follow the American way,
we're missing the point.
The thing that actually mattersis consent, making sure that if
someone's had a drink or isusing something, that they can
still genuinely consent, thatthey can still speak up, still

(20:45):
say no, and still mean it ifthey do.
It's not my job or anyone else'sto police that as long as it's
legal.
I've been to dungeons that allowalcohol and serve it, and I've
been to dungeons that don'tallow it.
I've been to spaces that are 420friendly and spaces that

(21:06):
absolutely aren't.
And yes, marijuana and othersubstances do carry added risk.
You can misjudge the intensitythat you're giving or receiving.
So use caution.
But saying use caution versusnever under any circumstances,
those are two very differentrules.

(21:29):
Okay, now here it is.
The one I told you about at thebeginning of this episode.
So, rule number one, always usea safe word.
A while back, I posted onInstagram that me and my Dom
pretty much don't use a safeword.
We've been married about 25years.

(21:51):
He knows me well enough at thispoint that we've moved past
needing one.
Maybe if we're doing specificendurance pain training or a
maintenance banking where he'sgenuinely testing a limit, we'll
pull out a safe word then.
But day to day, we don't.
And the people lost it.

(22:13):
I had comments telling me I wasadvocating for rape, which is a
genuinely wild reaction to awoman describing, you know, my
own 25-year marriage.
Some of the people I can tellthey hadn't even read the whole
caption.
They just saw me saying, youknow, we don't have a save word,

(22:33):
and they went straight to theworst possible conclusion.
Safe words are fantastic.
I'm not walking that back.
For higher risk activities, fornewer partners, for anyone still
learning how to read each other,they remain one of the best
tools in this entire lifestyle.

(22:53):
If you are new to this, pleaseuse one.
But they're not the only way tocommunicate.
There's tap-outs, there'sgestures, other nonverbal
signals, grunts, even that twopeople have built together over
years and understand.
All of it counts.

(23:15):
A safe word is just a tool, it'snot a requirement for consent.
So is skipping a safe wordreckless?
Or is it just what happensnaturally when two people have
spent 25 years learning eachother's bodies and reactions so
well that the tool just stoppedbeing necessary?

(23:38):
I'll let you sit with that one.

But there you have it (23:40):
10 rules, and honestly, most of them
aren't really about your safety.
A lot of them are about lookingresponsible and covering
liability, doing it the quoteunquote right way so nobody can
say you did it wrong.
And listen, I get why thoserules got made in the first

(24:01):
place.
Somebody probably got hurt, orsomebody got sued, or somebody
just got scared, and a role feltsafer than wondering what if
something happens.
The real role underneath all 10of these is the same one every

time (24:18):
consent, communication, and knowing your own self and
relationship well enough to knowwhen the textbook applies to you
and when it doesn't.
If one of these hit a nerve, Iwant to hear about it.
Tell me in the comments or reachout to me on social media or in
my community atdomtubliving.com/slash community

(24:40):
and tell me which role you'vebroken or which one you'd never
touch.
I read every single comment andmessage.
And if you want to go deeper onall of this, every week I send
out a BDSM inspired emailtotally free to over 50,000
people all over the world.
If you want to take your Dom Subjourney to the next level, I'd

(25:03):
love for you to subscribe.
It's completely free, and youcan unsubscribe at any time.
Just go to Domsubliving.comslash sign up.
The link is in the descriptiontoo.
I'd love to see you there.
And until next time, keepembracing your power and
pleasure through Dom Sub Living.