April 13, 2026 • 40 mins
#134 Why do some BDSM scenes feel flat – even when everything looks right?
Discover the 2 things that actually make or break a BDSM scene. Learn how Doms and subs can prepare, avoid common mistakes, and create deeper, more connected scenes.
Share this episode with your partner and try these 2 shifts before your next scene.
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Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
I want you to think about your last BDSM scene.
Was it everything you wanted itto be?
Or was something just a littleoff?
You had the toys, the time, theconsent.
Everything looked right, and yetit didn't hit the way you
expected.
Here's the thing (00:17):
what makes a scene unforgettable isn't what
you do in it.
It comes down to two things.
And most people are only missingone, but that's enough to ruin
the entire experience.
Stay with me because by the endof this episode, you're going to
know exactly what's been missingand how to fix it before your
(00:39):
next scene.
Welcome to the Dom Sub LivingPodcast.
Hey, it's Alessandra.
And if you've ever walked awayfrom a scene thinking, well,
that was fine when it shouldhave been, well, that was
amazing, then this one is foryou.
But first, let me share how thisepisode came to be.
And I want to be upfront aboutthis because I think it's
(01:02):
actually relevant and kind ofinteresting.
So I do ketamine therapy for mymental health.
I've shared that in the past.
I've been totally open about it,but I think there's still just a
weird stigma around it thatdoesn't need to be there.
This is fully regulated here inthe state of California that I
(01:23):
live in.
It's supervised by my doctor,it's completely legal, and it
has genuinely helped me.
So that's the context.
Now, if you know anything aboutpsychedelic experiences, so
things like ketamine,psilocybin, MDMA assisted
therapy, like any of that space,there is a framework that
(01:45):
practitioners in that world usealmost universally.
So it comes from the 1960sactually, and it's about the two
most important factors inshaping how a psychedelic
experience goes.
Those two things are called setand setting.
(02:05):
Set is your mindset going in,your intentions, your emotional
state, your expectations, youropenness or your resistance, and
setting is your physicalenvironment, the space you're
in, the sounds, the smells,who's with you, how safe and
comfortable you feel in theroom.
(02:28):
And the idea behind all this is,and it's actually backed up by a
lot of research at this point,but it's that these two things
shape the entire experience morethan the substance itself.
Like you can have everythingelse in place, but if your
mindset is scattered or yourenvironment feels wrong, the
(02:50):
experience will suffer.
And the opposite can be true.
When set and setting are dialedin, experiences open up in ways
that wouldn't be possibleotherwise.
And I was in one of my sessionsand it just clicked.
I thought this is exactly whatwe're doing in BDSM scenes or
(03:13):
what we should be doing.
It's what makes the differencewhen scenes go from good to
extraordinary.
In the kink world, when we talkabout what goes into a scene, we
usually talk about theactivities.
So BDSM, so bondage, discipline,dominance, submission, sadism,
masochism.
And sometimes I narrow it downto just three things to make it
(03:37):
more accessible and easy.
So I will say, like, just focuson bondage and pleasure and
pain.
Sometimes I say a scene justneeds power exchange, or it just
needs a beginning, a middle, andan end.
All of that is true, but none ofit explains why two scenes with
the exact same activities andthe exact same people can feel
(04:02):
completely different from eachother.
What explains it is set andsetting.
And the other day, my Dom and Ihad what I described as the best
scene we ever had.
And I know it's because we bothnailed those two things.
And I'm going to show you how todo it.
I'm going to give you someexamples and tips and things me
(04:25):
and my Dom personally do, andwhat not to do, and the biggest
mistakes we see kinksters make.
Okay, so let's talk about thefirst thing, set or mindset.
And I want to break this downseparately for DOMs and for subs
because the mindset challengesare genuinely different
(04:46):
depending on your role.
So first let's start with theDOMs.
I would say at the core ofdominant mindset is confidence,
not arrogance, not perfection,not having every single thing
figured out, just a settled andgrounded sense of, you know,
I've got this, I'm here, I havea direction, I'm holding this
(05:10):
space.
Your submissive is looking toyou to hold the container of the
scene.
Like, think about what thatmeans.
They are in a headspace wherethey are trusting you to lead,
to make the decisions, to readthem, to set the pace, to keep
things safe.
If you walk into that dynamicwhile you're scattered and
(05:32):
uncertain or winging it in a badway, they will feel it like
immediately, even if you don'tsay a word, even if nothing
technically goes wrong.
Subs are incredibly attuned totheir DOM's energy.
We have to be.
(05:53):
Surrender requires trust, andtrust requires sensing that the
person you're surrendering to isactually present and in control.
So, can I ask you something,DOMS?
Have you ever had a scene whereyour sub just couldn't seem to
drop in?
Like maybe they were restless ordistracted, they just couldn't
(06:14):
get into headspace no matterwhat you were doing.
Before you assume that the issuewas with them, consider that
there's a real possibility theywere picking up on your energy.
They couldn't fully let gobecause subconsciously they
weren't sure like you had them.
It's like they had to be onguard just in case.
(06:36):
So let me give you some specificthings that kill dominant
mindset before a scene evenstarts.
And I want to be real aboutthese because I think some of
them sound harmless.
So the first one, like sayingout loud or even just feeling it
internally, like saying, I don'treally have a plan, so I'm just
(06:57):
going to see what happens.
Now I know this can feel like acasual, low pressure approach,
but there's a difference betweenlike intentionally improving and
genuine lack of preparation.
Intentional improvising is a Domwho knows their craft well
enough to move fluidly.
(07:19):
But lack of preparation is a Domwho hoped inspiration would just
show up and it hasn't yet.
Your sub can feel thedifference, trust me.
Now, the second thing that cankill a dominance mindset.
So saying, I know we don't havea lot of time, so let's just
play for a little bit.
This one is sneaky because itsounds practical.
(07:42):
It sounds almost like you'rebeing responsible, but what it
actually communicates, even ifyou don't mean it, it it's that
the sub isn't a priority rightnow, that the scene isn't a
priority right now.
Like the sub isn't worth a fullscene right now.
And the DOM is just trying tosqueeze it in almost like it's
(08:05):
another thing on their to-dolist that they need to check
off.
And even if your sub knowslogically that you're just
managing a real schedule, thatmessage can land in a way that
makes it hard for them to befully present.
If you do truly have limitedtime, don't diminish the scene.
(08:26):
Find a way to make even a shortscene feel intentional and
complete because it's more aboutthe quality than the quantity of
how many minutes you have.
And the third thing that killsmindset for a DOM is going into
the scene while you're stillmentally somewhere else.
So you're still processingsomething from work, you're
(08:49):
still annoyed about aconversation, you're just half
distracted, your sub will feelthat too, and they will not feel
like a priority.
Okay, so what does good DOMpreparation actually look like?
Well, a few things.
So one, set an intention for thescene.
(09:09):
My DOM asked me before almostevery scene while he's preparing
it.
He asked me, How would you liketo feel?
That question is so simple andit does so much work.
It gives him like a North Star.
So now he knows what he'sbuilding toward.
And it immediately startsshifting me into subspace just
(09:32):
by answering it.
It's just one question andthat's it.
And then two, journal or plan itout.
Some DOMs are more naturallybetter at improvising, and
that's completely valid, buteven those DOMs benefit from
having a general arc for thescene.
I once told one of my clients tothink of it like a jazz musician
(09:56):
who they know the underlyingchords, but then they're able to
just jam and riff and feel it.
So you're not locking yourselfinto a rigid script.
You're giving yourself acontainer that makes flow
possible.
And then three, map out thespace if that helps you.
(10:17):
Like some DOMs are very visual.
They literally want to knowwhere they're going to position
their sub, where the key itemsare, what order things will
roughly happen.
If that's you, do it.
There is nothing undominantabout being prepared.
Preparation is an act ofdominance because it says, like,
(10:39):
I took this seriously enough tothink it through.
And then four, and this is theone that I think gets
overlooked, but have a pre-seenritual, something that helps you
transition from your everydayself to your DOM self.
It could be five minutes alonebefore the scene.
Um, put your phone down, takesome slow breaths, and just
(11:03):
consciously step into that role.
Kind of think of it like anathlete in the tunnel before the
walkout onto the field.
You are not the same person whowas just taking out the garbage
or answering emails.
You are shifting modes.
So let your nervous system knowthat.
Now, submissives, I have a lotto say to you because, well, I
(11:28):
am one, but so I know exactlywhat goes on in our heads before
a scene.
And I'm going to be honest, someof it is genuinely sabotaging us
without us even realizing it.
(13:10):
Okay, so subs.
I'm going to get personal herebecause I think that's more
useful than just handing you alist of tips.
But body image, let me juststart there.
This is a real one for me, and Iknow I'm not alone.
If I walk into a scene alreadyfeeling self-conscious about my
body, like already in thatmental place of noticing
(13:34):
everything I want in my body tolook different, then I am not
present.
I'm performing, I'm stuck in myhead, and there is no amount of
rope or sensation or magicaldominance that is going to pull
me out of that once I'm alreadyin it.
I will be physically in thescene and mentally somewhere
(13:55):
else entirely.
The work on body image has tohappen outside of the scene, in
therapy, in journaling, inwhatever your process is.
And the more work you do on itoutside of scenes, the more
available you are to actually bepresent when it counts.
The second thing aboutsubmissive mindset, and this one
(14:19):
is so relatable, I almost feelembarrassed saying it, but it's
the mental to-do list.
If I haven't done something toclear my head before a scene, I
will spend the first 20 minutesof it mentally composing a
grocery list, or thinking aboutan email I forgot to send, or
wondering if I turned off theoven.
(14:40):
My Dom can be doing everythingright and creating a beautiful
experience, and I am just notthere.
And that is not his fault, thatis mine.
And the third thing that canmess up your mindset is not
being clear on your role goingin.
This sounds basic, but itmatters more than I can tell
(15:01):
you.
Your role in a scene is tosurrender, to follow and to
obey, and to be present in yourbody and trust the person
leading you.
That's it.
When I actually remind myself ofthat before a scene, like
consciously say it to myself, myjob is to just obey and let him
(15:22):
lead.
My job is to follow and feel.
It's like I'm giving myselfpermission, permission to set
everything else down andpermission to stop managing and
just be.
Okay, let's move on to what notto do as a sub.
And there's a few specificthings I want to call out.
So don't go into the scene witha performance goal.
(15:46):
And I'm guilty of this.
Like telling ourselves, I'mgoing to be perfectly still, I'm
not going to make a sound, I'mgoing to be the ideal sub and do
my best not to safe word.
I hear this kind of thing and Iunderstand where it comes from.
There's real devotion behind it,real desire to please, but what
(16:07):
it actually does is create acompetition with yourself that
pulls you out of the presentmoment the same way anxiety
does.
It turns the scene into anevaluation rather than an
experience.
Your DOM doesn't want aperformance.
They want you present and real.
Also, don't skip your ownpreparation because you assume
(16:32):
it's the DOM's job to get youthere.
Yes, your DOM is responsible forleading the scene.
Yes, a good DOM will read youand adjust and help you drop in,
but you are responsible forshowing up as prepared as you
can be.
Those are two different thingsand both matter.
Okay, that was what not to do tobuild the sub-mindset.
(16:55):
Let's talk about what to do.
So here's what actually helps.
So meditate before.
Like I know, I know not everyoneloves meditation, but even five
minutes of just sitting quietlywith your eyes closed and just
focusing on your breath beforeseeing can make a real
difference.
It does for me.
(17:15):
It's like clearing the mentalbrowser tabs.
It doesn't have to be aspiritual practice, it just has
to be a few minutes where youdeliberately set everything else
down.
Have a submissive intention.
Just like your DOM sets anintention for the scene, or they
should, you can have one foryourself.
(17:37):
Mine is usually some version ofI am here to let them lead.
My only job is to follow andfeel.
So simple.
Not a performance goal, not ato-do list, just a direction.
It gives my brain something tolike focus on instead of just
(17:57):
spinning out of control.
And find a physical transitionritual, something that signals
to your body and brain, like weare shifting modes now.
For me, putting my hair back isactually part of that.
And I'll talk more about whywhen we get to setting because
it's practical too.
But the mental function itserves is the transition.
(18:21):
Some subs change into specificclothing before a scene.
Some do a brief kneeling ritual,some just take a few slow
breaths with their Dom's hand onthe top of their head.
Find your version.
It matters more than it soundslike it should.
So stop and ask yourself, whenwas the last time you
(18:44):
intentionally prepared your mindbefore a scene, the same way you
might prepare your body or yourgear?
If the honest answer is never,that might be the one thing
you've been missing.
Okay, that was all mindset.
That's the first thing.
And I want to be honest withyou.
I think most people in thislifestyle have at least thought
(19:06):
about mindset a little, maybenot this deeply, but it's it's
been on their radar.
But the second thing, setting,this is where I see the biggest
gaps, even in experiencedkinksters, even in people who've
been in a DS relationship withthe same person for years.
(19:27):
And I've got some specificexamples I'm gonna share with
you too.
So setting.
Setting is your physicalenvironment.
And before you think you'veheard this before, like before
you think, like, I know, light acandle, turn the lights down,
I've got it.
I want to promise you this goesdeeper than that.
(19:47):
Let me walk you through it layerby layer because there are a few
layers, and most people onlyaddress one of them.
Let's start with somethingpractical.
So before a scene starts, take afull inventory of everything
you're going to use and knowexactly where it is.
Every item, all of it.
(20:08):
This is both a confidence thingand a flow thing, because
nothing, and I mean nothing,breaks the mood of a scene
faster than a DOM having to stopand search for something
mid-scene.
You know, they're saying, holdon, I know it's here somewhere.
Hang on, let me check the otherroom.
That's not a small interruption.
(20:31):
That moment pulls both of youcompletely out.
The sub loses the sense that theDOM is in control, the Dom loses
their own momentum and starts tofeel self-conscious.
The whole mood breaks.
You have options for how youhandle this.
You can lay everything out inadvance that you're going to
use, which actually has its owninteresting effect on the sub
(20:55):
because there's something aboutseeing what's going to be used
that creates anticipation.
It's kind of like a visible menuof what's coming.
My Dom has done that.
He's also kept everythingorganized and hidden.
So I don't know what's coming.
And that's its own kind ofanticipation, too.
But either way works.
(21:16):
But being organized is anon-negotiable.
You should be able to access anyitem you need in under 10
seconds.
So, DOMS, quick honest question.
If you had to stop a scene rightnow and find a specific item in
your toy collection, like aspecific cuff, a specific
implement, the lube, how longwould that take?
(21:39):
If the answer is anything morethan about 10 seconds, that's
worth fixing before your nextscene.
Another rule we have when itcomes to setting.
So no kids' toys in our playspace.
Our kids are older now, but whenthey were toddlers, we wouldn't
let them leave toys in our room.
We have no family photos eitherin our play spaces, like no
(22:02):
pictures of our children or ourparents or in-laws anywhere in
the room.
I know this might sound soobvious, like it barely needs to
be said, but I'm saying itbecause I've seen people do it
and it matters more than you'dthink.
We are wired to respond tofaces, especially faces of
(22:23):
people we love and feelprotective toward or motherly or
fatherly over.
Having a photo of your child onthe nightstand while you're in a
scene will psychologically pullyou in the exact wrong
direction.
So clear the space of anythingthat pulls you out of the
(22:43):
dynamic you're trying to create.
And while we're on the topic ofkids, have a lock on the door,
soundproof your space if it'spossible.
And ideally, if you have kids,ideally they are not in the
house for the duration of thescene.
They can be at a friend's house,at the grandparents, at a
babysitter's, a sleepover,whatever works.
(23:06):
Even sending them in thebackyard to play.
Because the mental knowledgethat your children could walk in
at any second is not compatiblewith full presence in a scene,
no matter how good your lock is.
So either wait till the kids goto sleep or preferably send them
off somewhere else.
(23:26):
Okay, now temperature.
This is the one.
People almost always forget.
So I am always cold, likealways.
It doesn't matter what time ofyear it is, if the room is even
slightly cool, I am spending asignificant portion of every
scene thinking about being cold.
Not about my DOM, not about whatwe're doing.
(23:47):
I'm focusing on being cold.
So preheat the room if you needto, or pre-cool it if you're the
exact opposite of me.
It takes literally two minutesof you know thinking to just do
this.
Do it before your sub even comesin.
And this isn't just a practicalthing, it's also a care thing.
(24:09):
A Dom who thought about theirsub's comfort before the scene
started is communicatingsomething important.
And subs notice that weliterally feel it.
It matters.
Now let's go deeper because goodsetting isn't just about
removing friction.
It's about actively building anenvironment that pulls both of
(24:31):
you into the scene.
And the way to think about thatis through all five of your
senses.
So sight.
And lighting is one of the mostpowerful and most underused
tools in setting a scene.
So harsh overhead lighting isthe enemy of scene headspace.
It is like the lighting ofdentists' offices and grocery
(24:54):
stores.
So unless you're doing aninterrogation scene, use soft
lighting in candles or a dimmer,whatever creates the mood you're
going for.
But figure out what that is foryou and set it before the scene,
not during.
And clutter.
A messy room is visual noise,and visual noise is distraction.
(25:16):
You don't need to deep cleanyour entire house, but the space
you're playing in should feelintentional.
It shouldn't just feel like thecorner of a room where you know
laundry happens to live.
And then smell.
Scent is actually the fastest ofour senses to trigger emotional
(25:37):
and psychological states.
I always thought that wasinteresting because there's
genuine neuroscience behindthis.
A scent can shift your emotionalstate in seconds.
So scented candles are great,essential oils, just making sure
the room smells clean and good.
These are all small things, butthey compound.
(25:58):
And on the flip side, if there'sa smell in your play space that
pulls you out, like maybe oldgym gear, whatever it is,
definitely address thatbeforehand because you will not
be able to unsmell it onceyou're in the scene.
And then sound.
So some people love music duringscenes, others find it
(26:19):
distracting.
So know your preference and yourpartner's preference and make a
decision about it before thescene rather than fumbling with
a playlist and having someweird, awkward song blare in at
the wrong moment.
But more important than music isgetting rid of intrusive sound.
So turn your phone off, turn offnotifications, put your phone on
(26:43):
silent or put it in another roomentirely.
If you can hear the televisionfrom somewhere else in the
house, close the door or justturn it off.
And remember, sound bleed goesboth ways.
You want to contain what'shappening in your scene and you
want to block out what'shappening outside of it.
And if you have no control inthis, using noise-canceling
(27:07):
headphones is a great way totackle this.
So touch.
And I mean the environmentitself.
So what surface is your subgoing to be on?
Is it comfortable enough tosustain a longer scene?
Is there a blanket nearby foraftercare?
If you're using furniture orequipment, is it positioned
(27:30):
correctly?
Is everything at the rightheight?
And which brings me to thecleaning question, which I want
to address specifically becauseI want to talk about playing at
a dungeon for a minute.
The setting details there are alittle different, and there's a
specific mistake I see peoplemake there constantly.
That is such an easy, easy fix.
(27:52):
So if you play at a publicdungeon event, you don't control
the space the same way you do athome.
But that doesn't mean setting isoff of your plate.
It just means you have to bemore intentional about it.
So space awareness.
If you're going to be doingimpact play, like wielding a
(28:12):
flogger or using a whip,anything that requires real
movement and range, you need tomap out your radius before you
start, not during, like before.
I have literally seen people atdungeons back themselves into a
corner without checking what wasaround them and other people got
hit, unfortunately.
(28:33):
And that is not a small oops,that is a safety issue, and it's
entirely preventable by justtaking 30 seconds to you know
look at your space before youbegin.
And then there's equipmenthygiene.
Most dungeons have sanitarywipes, just like at a gym, they
are right there.
(28:53):
So use them before and after youuse the equipment.
This protects you and itprotects other people.
And I am telling you this fromexperience.
It also protects your headspace.
I am a germaphobe.
I know this about myself, and Ihave been on a spanking bench
before at a dungeon.
(29:14):
Like my face is about two inchesfrom the surface on it.
And I spent a good portion ofthat scene wondering whether we
wiped down that specific sectiongood enough.
The one that my face was likeright next to.
And did we get under the edge ofit where my hands are touching?
And oh god, who and what washere before us?
(29:36):
So wipe the equipment.
It takes literally 30 seconds.
It makes a real difference.
Okay, so we're still on setting,but here is the layer I almost
never hear people talk about.
And I think this is genuinelyone of the most missed pieces of
setting in BDSM scene prep.
Your body is part of thesetting.
(29:59):
The way you've physicallyprepared yourself.
So what you're wearing, whatyou've done with your hair,
whether you're physicallycomfortable in your body going
in, that is part of theenvironment of the scene.
It's not separate from setting,it is setting.
So let me tell you about my hairbecause I think this is the most
(30:19):
tangible version of this I cangive you.
So I have long hair, and if Idon't put it back before a
scene, it becomes a problem.
So I either put it back in aponytail or I braid it.
But if I don't, it becomes aproblem in about four different
ways.
So it gets in my face when I'mrestrained, and I'm restrained,
(30:43):
so I can't move it.
It gets tangled in rope duringbondage, and now there's a whole
untangling situation happening.
In CNC scenes where my dom isphysically grabbing and moving
me, he will sometimes catch myhair with his arm or lay on it,
and then suddenly we've had tostop to deal with that.
(31:06):
And then, even just in general,it distracts me.
I'm I'm constantly aware of iton my face.
I'm eating it, I'm pushing it,you know, out of my eyes.
I'm not fully present during thescene.
So putting my hair back before ascene takes like one minute, but
it's just one minute of prepthat eliminates all of those
(31:28):
friction points.
But here's the thing (31:29):
it's also become part of my mental
transition into a scene.
Like my brain now knows likehair goes back, scene begins.
It's a ritual.
It tells my nervous system likewe're shifting now.
It's a little thing, but it'sbecome so much of a necessity
(31:50):
now that even my Dom carries ahair tie in his wallet in case
we are doing some form of pubbook play or we're at a dungeon
and I left my hair tie at home.
So he now carries a backup forme.
Okay, now let's move on to whatto wear.
So think about what you'rewearing to a scene the same way
you think about dressing forsomething that matters because
(32:13):
it does.
So, DOMS, think about mobility.
If you're moving around yoursub, you're tying, you're
positioning, you're gettingphysical, you want nothing
restrictive.
You want to be able to movewithout your clothing being an
issue.
And think about access.
If the scene involves undressingyour sub at some point, are they
(32:36):
wearing something that workswith that?
Or are you going to be fumblingwith a complicated zipper or a
bra with 17 hooks at a you knowpivotal moment in your scene?
And then subs.
Wear what makes you feel good inyour body, not what you think
you're supposed to wear, notwhat looks most submissive or
(32:58):
that you saw in a movie.
Wear what actually makes youfeel confident and present and
comfortable.
If you feel physically good inwhat you have on, you're going
to be more open and available.
And for me, it fluctuates andit's completely different, you
know, from scene to scene.
(33:19):
Sometimes I'm in a sexy,full-blown black harness and
sexy black lingerie.
And other times I'm in a cutepink onesie.
Other times I'm completelynaked.
So you just have to get creativeand do what works for you.
But remember to think abouttemperature, especially if
there's a huge differencebetween how the DOM is clothed
(33:43):
and how the sub is going to beclothed.
So account for that.
So preheat the room, have ablanket within reach, and just
check in before the scenestarts.
So these are just small acts ofpreparation that are part of the
setting.
Okay, I want to bring set andsetting together now and give
you something really simple andusable to take away from today.
(34:06):
Um, a framework you canliterally apply before your next
scene.
But if you're a member of ourAll Access Pass, we make this
super easy for you.
You have access to our scenecreation worksheets that are in
your dashboard, and you candownload those and use those for
every scene.
But I want to kind of simplifyit right now because I've just
(34:28):
covered a lot of ground and Idon't want you to walk away
feeling like you've been handeda you know checklist with 50
items on it that you're nevergoing to actually use.
So here's how you can thinkabout applying it.
So two questions.
Ask these before every scene.
So question one (34:46):
are we both mentally here?
So the DOM, do you have a planand an intention?
Have you done something totransition into your DOM
headspace, even if it'ssomething small?
And sub, have you done somethingto clear your head?
Have you reminded yourself ofyour role in your intention
(35:07):
going in?
If the answer to either of thoseis honestly no, that's your
work.
Not during the scene, but beforeit starts.
And then question two, is thespace ready?
So run through your sensesquickly.
Is the lighting set?
Smell okay, all the sound issuesare fixed.
(35:29):
Is the temperature comfortable?
Is your toy inventory done andeverything is accessible and
accounted for?
Are the distractions removed?
So family photos, kid stuff,phones, if you have kids, are
they actually elsewhere orsleeping?
And your bodies.
Is your hair dealt with?
Are you wearing something thatworks?
(35:51):
So those two questions are weboth mentally here?
And is the space ready?
It takes about five minutes toanswer those questions, and they
will do more for the quality ofyour scenes than almost any new
toy or technique or activitythat you could possibly add.
But I want to come back to thetitle of this episode for a
(36:13):
second because I said mostpeople miss one of these two
things, so not both.
And I think that's actually truebased on what I see with my
students and clients.
So DOMs tend to think more aboutsetting.
They're in planning mode bynature.
They're thinking about thespace, the gear, the logistics.
(36:33):
That's the sexy part that getsmost of the attention.
But Dom mindset, so their owninternal preparation, their
presence, their intentionality,that can get overlooked because
the planning feels likepreparation.
I mean, it is, but it's not thesame as mindset.
(36:54):
You can have every toy organizedand still walk into a scene
distracted.
And subs, on the other hand,tend to be more aware of their
own head space.
We know if we're distracted ornot in our bodies, but setting
is what subs often leave, youknow, entirely to their Dom.
(37:14):
They assume it's not theirresponsibility, and sometimes
that's fine.
But when a sub takes activeownership of their piece of the
setting, so their body prep,their clothing, their own
sensory environment, even theirhair, it changes things.
So you stop being a passiverecipient of whatever the DOM
(37:37):
setup, and you start being anactive participant in building
the experience.
So whichever one you heard todayand thought, like, yeah, I
really need to do that, that'syour one.
That's what to work on first.
You don't have to overhauleverything, just address the one
you've been skipping.
And remember, if you are amember of our All Access Past,
(38:00):
take advantage of the scenecreation worksheets we have
inside.
They are designed specificallyto help you with exactly what we
talked about today.
They walk you through both themindset prep and the setting in
a structured, step-by-step way.
So you're not trying to hold allof this in your head before a
scene.
It's one of those resources thatpeople inside the All Access
(38:23):
Pass tell me they come back toover and over, especially when
they're planning a bigger sceneor trying something new.
So if you haven't used it yet,go find it.
And if you're not a member ofthe All Access Pass yet, but you
want a really solid startingpoint, I have a free sample
scene you can download atdomsubliving.com slash scene.
(38:46):
It's a real scene fully laid outand it incorporates a lot of
what we talked about today interms of structure and mindset
cues and settings.
So go grab it.
It's completely free.
That's domsubliv.com/slashscene.
I'll put a link for it in theshow notes too.
Now remember, at the very top ofthis episode, I asked you to
(39:06):
think about the last scene youhad and whether something felt a
little off and whether you couldput your finger on what it was.
I hope now you have a bettersense of what that something
might have been.
And more importantly, I hope youhave a real concrete plan for
what to do differently beforeyour next one.
The biggest takeaway is this: you don't need more gear, you (39:26):
undefined
don't need a bigger toycollection or a longer skills
list or a more elaborate scenestructure.
You need your mind to actuallybe in the room and you need your
environment to be working withyou instead of against you.
(39:47):
Mindset and setting.
Set and setting.
That's it.
That's the whole thing.
If this episode landed for you,I really want to ask you to
share it, like specifically,send it to your partner if you
have one.
Like seriously, text it to them.
This episode works better whenboth people hear it.
Because if you're doing all themindset prep and they're not, or
(40:10):
you're thinking about settingand they haven't thought about
it at all, you're still workingagainst each other.
So do this together.
And come find me in the DomSubliving community or reach out
to me on social media and tellme which one you've been missing
set or setting.
I genuinely want to know.
I read every message, but thankyou so much for being here.
(40:33):
And until next time, keepembracing your power and
pleasure through Dom Sub Living.
I want you to think about your last BDSM scene.
Was it everything you wanted itto be?
Or was something just a littleoff?
You had the toys, the time, theconsent.
Everything looked right, and yetit didn't hit the way you
expected.
Here's the thing (00:17):
what makes a scene unforgettable isn't what
you do in it.
It comes down to two things.
And most people are only missingone, but that's enough to ruin
the entire experience.
Stay with me because by the endof this episode, you're going to
know exactly what's been missingand how to fix it before your
(00:39):
next scene.
Welcome to the Dom Sub LivingPodcast.
Hey, it's Alessandra.
And if you've ever walked awayfrom a scene thinking, well,
that was fine when it shouldhave been, well, that was
amazing, then this one is foryou.
But first, let me share how thisepisode came to be.
And I want to be upfront aboutthis because I think it's
(01:02):
actually relevant and kind ofinteresting.
So I do ketamine therapy for mymental health.
I've shared that in the past.
I've been totally open about it,but I think there's still just a
weird stigma around it thatdoesn't need to be there.
This is fully regulated here inthe state of California that I
(01:23):
live in.
It's supervised by my doctor,it's completely legal, and it
has genuinely helped me.
So that's the context.
Now, if you know anything aboutpsychedelic experiences, so
things like ketamine,psilocybin, MDMA assisted
therapy, like any of that space,there is a framework that
(01:45):
practitioners in that world usealmost universally.
So it comes from the 1960sactually, and it's about the two
most important factors inshaping how a psychedelic
experience goes.
Those two things are called setand setting.
(02:05):
Set is your mindset going in,your intentions, your emotional
state, your expectations, youropenness or your resistance, and
setting is your physicalenvironment, the space you're
in, the sounds, the smells,who's with you, how safe and
comfortable you feel in theroom.
(02:28):
And the idea behind all this is,and it's actually backed up by a
lot of research at this point,but it's that these two things
shape the entire experience morethan the substance itself.
Like you can have everythingelse in place, but if your
mindset is scattered or yourenvironment feels wrong, the
(02:50):
experience will suffer.
And the opposite can be true.
When set and setting are dialedin, experiences open up in ways
that wouldn't be possibleotherwise.
And I was in one of my sessionsand it just clicked.
I thought this is exactly whatwe're doing in BDSM scenes or
(03:13):
what we should be doing.
It's what makes the differencewhen scenes go from good to
extraordinary.
In the kink world, when we talkabout what goes into a scene, we
usually talk about theactivities.
So BDSM, so bondage, discipline,dominance, submission, sadism,
masochism.
And sometimes I narrow it downto just three things to make it
(03:37):
more accessible and easy.
So I will say, like, just focuson bondage and pleasure and
pain.
Sometimes I say a scene justneeds power exchange, or it just
needs a beginning, a middle, andan end.
All of that is true, but none ofit explains why two scenes with
the exact same activities andthe exact same people can feel
(04:02):
completely different from eachother.
What explains it is set andsetting.
And the other day, my Dom and Ihad what I described as the best
scene we ever had.
And I know it's because we bothnailed those two things.
And I'm going to show you how todo it.
I'm going to give you someexamples and tips and things me
(04:25):
and my Dom personally do, andwhat not to do, and the biggest
mistakes we see kinksters make.
Okay, so let's talk about thefirst thing, set or mindset.
And I want to break this downseparately for DOMs and for subs
because the mindset challengesare genuinely different
(04:46):
depending on your role.
So first let's start with theDOMs.
I would say at the core ofdominant mindset is confidence,
not arrogance, not perfection,not having every single thing
figured out, just a settled andgrounded sense of, you know,
I've got this, I'm here, I havea direction, I'm holding this
(05:10):
space.
Your submissive is looking toyou to hold the container of the
scene.
Like, think about what thatmeans.
They are in a headspace wherethey are trusting you to lead,
to make the decisions, to readthem, to set the pace, to keep
things safe.
If you walk into that dynamicwhile you're scattered and
(05:32):
uncertain or winging it in a badway, they will feel it like
immediately, even if you don'tsay a word, even if nothing
technically goes wrong.
Subs are incredibly attuned totheir DOM's energy.
We have to be.
(05:53):
Surrender requires trust, andtrust requires sensing that the
person you're surrendering to isactually present and in control.
So, can I ask you something,DOMS?
Have you ever had a scene whereyour sub just couldn't seem to
drop in?
Like maybe they were restless ordistracted, they just couldn't
(06:14):
get into headspace no matterwhat you were doing.
Before you assume that the issuewas with them, consider that
there's a real possibility theywere picking up on your energy.
They couldn't fully let gobecause subconsciously they
weren't sure like you had them.
It's like they had to be onguard just in case.
(06:36):
So let me give you some specificthings that kill dominant
mindset before a scene evenstarts.
And I want to be real aboutthese because I think some of
them sound harmless.
So the first one, like sayingout loud or even just feeling it
internally, like saying, I don'treally have a plan, so I'm just
(06:57):
going to see what happens.
Now I know this can feel like acasual, low pressure approach,
but there's a difference betweenlike intentionally improving and
genuine lack of preparation.
Intentional improvising is a Domwho knows their craft well
enough to move fluidly.
(07:19):
But lack of preparation is a Domwho hoped inspiration would just
show up and it hasn't yet.
Your sub can feel thedifference, trust me.
Now, the second thing that cankill a dominance mindset.
So saying, I know we don't havea lot of time, so let's just
play for a little bit.
This one is sneaky because itsounds practical.
(07:42):
It sounds almost like you'rebeing responsible, but what it
actually communicates, even ifyou don't mean it, it it's that
the sub isn't a priority rightnow, that the scene isn't a
priority right now.
Like the sub isn't worth a fullscene right now.
And the DOM is just trying tosqueeze it in almost like it's
(08:05):
another thing on their to-dolist that they need to check
off.
And even if your sub knowslogically that you're just
managing a real schedule, thatmessage can land in a way that
makes it hard for them to befully present.
If you do truly have limitedtime, don't diminish the scene.
(08:26):
Find a way to make even a shortscene feel intentional and
complete because it's more aboutthe quality than the quantity of
how many minutes you have.
And the third thing that killsmindset for a DOM is going into
the scene while you're stillmentally somewhere else.
So you're still processingsomething from work, you're
(08:49):
still annoyed about aconversation, you're just half
distracted, your sub will feelthat too, and they will not feel
like a priority.
Okay, so what does good DOMpreparation actually look like?
Well, a few things.
So one, set an intention for thescene.
(09:09):
My DOM asked me before almostevery scene while he's preparing
it.
He asked me, How would you liketo feel?
That question is so simple andit does so much work.
It gives him like a North Star.
So now he knows what he'sbuilding toward.
And it immediately startsshifting me into subspace just
(09:32):
by answering it.
It's just one question andthat's it.
And then two, journal or plan itout.
Some DOMs are more naturallybetter at improvising, and
that's completely valid, buteven those DOMs benefit from
having a general arc for thescene.
I once told one of my clients tothink of it like a jazz musician
(09:56):
who they know the underlyingchords, but then they're able to
just jam and riff and feel it.
So you're not locking yourselfinto a rigid script.
You're giving yourself acontainer that makes flow
possible.
And then three, map out thespace if that helps you.
(10:17):
Like some DOMs are very visual.
They literally want to knowwhere they're going to position
their sub, where the key itemsare, what order things will
roughly happen.
If that's you, do it.
There is nothing undominantabout being prepared.
Preparation is an act ofdominance because it says, like,
(10:39):
I took this seriously enough tothink it through.
And then four, and this is theone that I think gets
overlooked, but have a pre-seenritual, something that helps you
transition from your everydayself to your DOM self.
It could be five minutes alonebefore the scene.
Um, put your phone down, takesome slow breaths, and just
(11:03):
consciously step into that role.
Kind of think of it like anathlete in the tunnel before the
walkout onto the field.
You are not the same person whowas just taking out the garbage
or answering emails.
You are shifting modes.
So let your nervous system knowthat.
Now, submissives, I have a lotto say to you because, well, I
(11:28):
am one, but so I know exactlywhat goes on in our heads before
a scene.
And I'm going to be honest, someof it is genuinely sabotaging us
without us even realizing it.
(13:10):
Okay, so subs.
I'm going to get personal herebecause I think that's more
useful than just handing you alist of tips.
But body image, let me juststart there.
This is a real one for me, and Iknow I'm not alone.
If I walk into a scene alreadyfeeling self-conscious about my
body, like already in thatmental place of noticing
(13:34):
everything I want in my body tolook different, then I am not
present.
I'm performing, I'm stuck in myhead, and there is no amount of
rope or sensation or magicaldominance that is going to pull
me out of that once I'm alreadyin it.
I will be physically in thescene and mentally somewhere
(13:55):
else entirely.
The work on body image has tohappen outside of the scene, in
therapy, in journaling, inwhatever your process is.
And the more work you do on itoutside of scenes, the more
available you are to actually bepresent when it counts.
The second thing aboutsubmissive mindset, and this one
(14:19):
is so relatable, I almost feelembarrassed saying it, but it's
the mental to-do list.
If I haven't done something toclear my head before a scene, I
will spend the first 20 minutesof it mentally composing a
grocery list, or thinking aboutan email I forgot to send, or
wondering if I turned off theoven.
(14:40):
My Dom can be doing everythingright and creating a beautiful
experience, and I am just notthere.
And that is not his fault, thatis mine.
And the third thing that canmess up your mindset is not
being clear on your role goingin.
This sounds basic, but itmatters more than I can tell
(15:01):
you.
Your role in a scene is tosurrender, to follow and to
obey, and to be present in yourbody and trust the person
leading you.
That's it.
When I actually remind myself ofthat before a scene, like
consciously say it to myself, myjob is to just obey and let him
(15:22):
lead.
My job is to follow and feel.
It's like I'm giving myselfpermission, permission to set
everything else down andpermission to stop managing and
just be.
Okay, let's move on to what notto do as a sub.
And there's a few specificthings I want to call out.
So don't go into the scene witha performance goal.
(15:46):
And I'm guilty of this.
Like telling ourselves, I'mgoing to be perfectly still, I'm
not going to make a sound, I'mgoing to be the ideal sub and do
my best not to safe word.
I hear this kind of thing and Iunderstand where it comes from.
There's real devotion behind it,real desire to please, but what
(16:07):
it actually does is create acompetition with yourself that
pulls you out of the presentmoment the same way anxiety
does.
It turns the scene into anevaluation rather than an
experience.
Your DOM doesn't want aperformance.
They want you present and real.
Also, don't skip your ownpreparation because you assume
(16:32):
it's the DOM's job to get youthere.
Yes, your DOM is responsible forleading the scene.
Yes, a good DOM will read youand adjust and help you drop in,
but you are responsible forshowing up as prepared as you
can be.
Those are two different thingsand both matter.
Okay, that was what not to do tobuild the sub-mindset.
(16:55):
Let's talk about what to do.
So here's what actually helps.
So meditate before.
Like I know, I know not everyoneloves meditation, but even five
minutes of just sitting quietlywith your eyes closed and just
focusing on your breath beforeseeing can make a real
difference.
It does for me.
(17:15):
It's like clearing the mentalbrowser tabs.
It doesn't have to be aspiritual practice, it just has
to be a few minutes where youdeliberately set everything else
down.
Have a submissive intention.
Just like your DOM sets anintention for the scene, or they
should, you can have one foryourself.
(17:37):
Mine is usually some version ofI am here to let them lead.
My only job is to follow andfeel.
So simple.
Not a performance goal, not ato-do list, just a direction.
It gives my brain something tolike focus on instead of just
(17:57):
spinning out of control.
And find a physical transitionritual, something that signals
to your body and brain, like weare shifting modes now.
For me, putting my hair back isactually part of that.
And I'll talk more about whywhen we get to setting because
it's practical too.
But the mental function itserves is the transition.
(18:21):
Some subs change into specificclothing before a scene.
Some do a brief kneeling ritual,some just take a few slow
breaths with their Dom's hand onthe top of their head.
Find your version.
It matters more than it soundslike it should.
So stop and ask yourself, whenwas the last time you
(18:44):
intentionally prepared your mindbefore a scene, the same way you
might prepare your body or yourgear?
If the honest answer is never,that might be the one thing
you've been missing.
Okay, that was all mindset.
That's the first thing.
And I want to be honest withyou.
I think most people in thislifestyle have at least thought
(19:06):
about mindset a little, maybenot this deeply, but it's it's
been on their radar.
But the second thing, setting,this is where I see the biggest
gaps, even in experiencedkinksters, even in people who've
been in a DS relationship withthe same person for years.
(19:27):
And I've got some specificexamples I'm gonna share with
you too.
So setting.
Setting is your physicalenvironment.
And before you think you'veheard this before, like before
you think, like, I know, light acandle, turn the lights down,
I've got it.
I want to promise you this goesdeeper than that.
(19:47):
Let me walk you through it layerby layer because there are a few
layers, and most people onlyaddress one of them.
Let's start with somethingpractical.
So before a scene starts, take afull inventory of everything
you're going to use and knowexactly where it is.
Every item, all of it.
(20:08):
This is both a confidence thingand a flow thing, because
nothing, and I mean nothing,breaks the mood of a scene
faster than a DOM having to stopand search for something
mid-scene.
You know, they're saying, holdon, I know it's here somewhere.
Hang on, let me check the otherroom.
That's not a small interruption.
(20:31):
That moment pulls both of youcompletely out.
The sub loses the sense that theDOM is in control, the Dom loses
their own momentum and starts tofeel self-conscious.
The whole mood breaks.
You have options for how youhandle this.
You can lay everything out inadvance that you're going to
use, which actually has its owninteresting effect on the sub
(20:55):
because there's something aboutseeing what's going to be used
that creates anticipation.
It's kind of like a visible menuof what's coming.
My Dom has done that.
He's also kept everythingorganized and hidden.
So I don't know what's coming.
And that's its own kind ofanticipation, too.
But either way works.
(21:16):
But being organized is anon-negotiable.
You should be able to access anyitem you need in under 10
seconds.
So, DOMS, quick honest question.
If you had to stop a scene rightnow and find a specific item in
your toy collection, like aspecific cuff, a specific
implement, the lube, how longwould that take?
(21:39):
If the answer is anything morethan about 10 seconds, that's
worth fixing before your nextscene.
Another rule we have when itcomes to setting.
So no kids' toys in our playspace.
Our kids are older now, but whenthey were toddlers, we wouldn't
let them leave toys in our room.
We have no family photos eitherin our play spaces, like no
(22:02):
pictures of our children or ourparents or in-laws anywhere in
the room.
I know this might sound soobvious, like it barely needs to
be said, but I'm saying itbecause I've seen people do it
and it matters more than you'dthink.
We are wired to respond tofaces, especially faces of
(22:23):
people we love and feelprotective toward or motherly or
fatherly over.
Having a photo of your child onthe nightstand while you're in a
scene will psychologically pullyou in the exact wrong
direction.
So clear the space of anythingthat pulls you out of the
(22:43):
dynamic you're trying to create.
And while we're on the topic ofkids, have a lock on the door,
soundproof your space if it'spossible.
And ideally, if you have kids,ideally they are not in the
house for the duration of thescene.
They can be at a friend's house,at the grandparents, at a
babysitter's, a sleepover,whatever works.
(23:06):
Even sending them in thebackyard to play.
Because the mental knowledgethat your children could walk in
at any second is not compatiblewith full presence in a scene,
no matter how good your lock is.
So either wait till the kids goto sleep or preferably send them
off somewhere else.
(23:26):
Okay, now temperature.
This is the one.
People almost always forget.
So I am always cold, likealways.
It doesn't matter what time ofyear it is, if the room is even
slightly cool, I am spending asignificant portion of every
scene thinking about being cold.
Not about my DOM, not about whatwe're doing.
(23:47):
I'm focusing on being cold.
So preheat the room if you needto, or pre-cool it if you're the
exact opposite of me.
It takes literally two minutesof you know thinking to just do
this.
Do it before your sub even comesin.
And this isn't just a practicalthing, it's also a care thing.
(24:09):
A Dom who thought about theirsub's comfort before the scene
started is communicatingsomething important.
And subs notice that weliterally feel it.
It matters.
Now let's go deeper because goodsetting isn't just about
removing friction.
It's about actively building anenvironment that pulls both of
(24:31):
you into the scene.
And the way to think about thatis through all five of your
senses.
So sight.
And lighting is one of the mostpowerful and most underused
tools in setting a scene.
So harsh overhead lighting isthe enemy of scene headspace.
It is like the lighting ofdentists' offices and grocery
(24:54):
stores.
So unless you're doing aninterrogation scene, use soft
lighting in candles or a dimmer,whatever creates the mood you're
going for.
But figure out what that is foryou and set it before the scene,
not during.
And clutter.
A messy room is visual noise,and visual noise is distraction.
(25:16):
You don't need to deep cleanyour entire house, but the space
you're playing in should feelintentional.
It shouldn't just feel like thecorner of a room where you know
laundry happens to live.
And then smell.
Scent is actually the fastest ofour senses to trigger emotional
(25:37):
and psychological states.
I always thought that wasinteresting because there's
genuine neuroscience behindthis.
A scent can shift your emotionalstate in seconds.
So scented candles are great,essential oils, just making sure
the room smells clean and good.
These are all small things, butthey compound.
(25:58):
And on the flip side, if there'sa smell in your play space that
pulls you out, like maybe oldgym gear, whatever it is,
definitely address thatbeforehand because you will not
be able to unsmell it onceyou're in the scene.
And then sound.
So some people love music duringscenes, others find it
(26:19):
distracting.
So know your preference and yourpartner's preference and make a
decision about it before thescene rather than fumbling with
a playlist and having someweird, awkward song blare in at
the wrong moment.
But more important than music isgetting rid of intrusive sound.
So turn your phone off, turn offnotifications, put your phone on
(26:43):
silent or put it in another roomentirely.
If you can hear the televisionfrom somewhere else in the
house, close the door or justturn it off.
And remember, sound bleed goesboth ways.
You want to contain what'shappening in your scene and you
want to block out what'shappening outside of it.
And if you have no control inthis, using noise-canceling
(27:07):
headphones is a great way totackle this.
So touch.
And I mean the environmentitself.
So what surface is your subgoing to be on?
Is it comfortable enough tosustain a longer scene?
Is there a blanket nearby foraftercare?
If you're using furniture orequipment, is it positioned
(27:30):
correctly?
Is everything at the rightheight?
And which brings me to thecleaning question, which I want
to address specifically becauseI want to talk about playing at
a dungeon for a minute.
The setting details there are alittle different, and there's a
specific mistake I see peoplemake there constantly.
That is such an easy, easy fix.
(27:52):
So if you play at a publicdungeon event, you don't control
the space the same way you do athome.
But that doesn't mean setting isoff of your plate.
It just means you have to bemore intentional about it.
So space awareness.
If you're going to be doingimpact play, like wielding a
(28:12):
flogger or using a whip,anything that requires real
movement and range, you need tomap out your radius before you
start, not during, like before.
I have literally seen people atdungeons back themselves into a
corner without checking what wasaround them and other people got
hit, unfortunately.
(28:33):
And that is not a small oops,that is a safety issue, and it's
entirely preventable by justtaking 30 seconds to you know
look at your space before youbegin.
And then there's equipmenthygiene.
Most dungeons have sanitarywipes, just like at a gym, they
are right there.
(28:53):
So use them before and after youuse the equipment.
This protects you and itprotects other people.
And I am telling you this fromexperience.
It also protects your headspace.
I am a germaphobe.
I know this about myself, and Ihave been on a spanking bench
before at a dungeon.
(29:14):
Like my face is about two inchesfrom the surface on it.
And I spent a good portion ofthat scene wondering whether we
wiped down that specific sectiongood enough.
The one that my face was likeright next to.
And did we get under the edge ofit where my hands are touching?
And oh god, who and what washere before us?
(29:36):
So wipe the equipment.
It takes literally 30 seconds.
It makes a real difference.
Okay, so we're still on setting,but here is the layer I almost
never hear people talk about.
And I think this is genuinelyone of the most missed pieces of
setting in BDSM scene prep.
Your body is part of thesetting.
(29:59):
The way you've physicallyprepared yourself.
So what you're wearing, whatyou've done with your hair,
whether you're physicallycomfortable in your body going
in, that is part of theenvironment of the scene.
It's not separate from setting,it is setting.
So let me tell you about my hairbecause I think this is the most
(30:19):
tangible version of this I cangive you.
So I have long hair, and if Idon't put it back before a
scene, it becomes a problem.
So I either put it back in aponytail or I braid it.
But if I don't, it becomes aproblem in about four different
ways.
So it gets in my face when I'mrestrained, and I'm restrained,
(30:43):
so I can't move it.
It gets tangled in rope duringbondage, and now there's a whole
untangling situation happening.
In CNC scenes where my dom isphysically grabbing and moving
me, he will sometimes catch myhair with his arm or lay on it,
and then suddenly we've had tostop to deal with that.
(31:06):
And then, even just in general,it distracts me.
I'm I'm constantly aware of iton my face.
I'm eating it, I'm pushing it,you know, out of my eyes.
I'm not fully present during thescene.
So putting my hair back before ascene takes like one minute, but
it's just one minute of prepthat eliminates all of those
(31:28):
friction points.
But here's the thing (31:29):
it's also become part of my mental
transition into a scene.
Like my brain now knows likehair goes back, scene begins.
It's a ritual.
It tells my nervous system likewe're shifting now.
It's a little thing, but it'sbecome so much of a necessity
(31:50):
now that even my Dom carries ahair tie in his wallet in case
we are doing some form of pubbook play or we're at a dungeon
and I left my hair tie at home.
So he now carries a backup forme.
Okay, now let's move on to whatto wear.
So think about what you'rewearing to a scene the same way
you think about dressing forsomething that matters because
(32:13):
it does.
So, DOMS, think about mobility.
If you're moving around yoursub, you're tying, you're
positioning, you're gettingphysical, you want nothing
restrictive.
You want to be able to movewithout your clothing being an
issue.
And think about access.
If the scene involves undressingyour sub at some point, are they
(32:36):
wearing something that workswith that?
Or are you going to be fumblingwith a complicated zipper or a
bra with 17 hooks at a you knowpivotal moment in your scene?
And then subs.
Wear what makes you feel good inyour body, not what you think
you're supposed to wear, notwhat looks most submissive or
(32:58):
that you saw in a movie.
Wear what actually makes youfeel confident and present and
comfortable.
If you feel physically good inwhat you have on, you're going
to be more open and available.
And for me, it fluctuates andit's completely different, you
know, from scene to scene.
(33:19):
Sometimes I'm in a sexy,full-blown black harness and
sexy black lingerie.
And other times I'm in a cutepink onesie.
Other times I'm completelynaked.
So you just have to get creativeand do what works for you.
But remember to think abouttemperature, especially if
there's a huge differencebetween how the DOM is clothed
(33:43):
and how the sub is going to beclothed.
So account for that.
So preheat the room, have ablanket within reach, and just
check in before the scenestarts.
So these are just small acts ofpreparation that are part of the
setting.
Okay, I want to bring set andsetting together now and give
you something really simple andusable to take away from today.
(34:06):
Um, a framework you canliterally apply before your next
scene.
But if you're a member of ourAll Access Pass, we make this
super easy for you.
You have access to our scenecreation worksheets that are in
your dashboard, and you candownload those and use those for
every scene.
But I want to kind of simplifyit right now because I've just
(34:28):
covered a lot of ground and Idon't want you to walk away
feeling like you've been handeda you know checklist with 50
items on it that you're nevergoing to actually use.
So here's how you can thinkabout applying it.
So two questions.
Ask these before every scene.
So question one (34:46):
are we both mentally here?
So the DOM, do you have a planand an intention?
Have you done something totransition into your DOM
headspace, even if it'ssomething small?
And sub, have you done somethingto clear your head?
Have you reminded yourself ofyour role in your intention
(35:07):
going in?
If the answer to either of thoseis honestly no, that's your
work.
Not during the scene, but beforeit starts.
And then question two, is thespace ready?
So run through your sensesquickly.
Is the lighting set?
Smell okay, all the sound issuesare fixed.
(35:29):
Is the temperature comfortable?
Is your toy inventory done andeverything is accessible and
accounted for?
Are the distractions removed?
So family photos, kid stuff,phones, if you have kids, are
they actually elsewhere orsleeping?
And your bodies.
Is your hair dealt with?
Are you wearing something thatworks?
(35:51):
So those two questions are weboth mentally here?
And is the space ready?
It takes about five minutes toanswer those questions, and they
will do more for the quality ofyour scenes than almost any new
toy or technique or activitythat you could possibly add.
But I want to come back to thetitle of this episode for a
(36:13):
second because I said mostpeople miss one of these two
things, so not both.
And I think that's actually truebased on what I see with my
students and clients.
So DOMs tend to think more aboutsetting.
They're in planning mode bynature.
They're thinking about thespace, the gear, the logistics.
(36:33):
That's the sexy part that getsmost of the attention.
But Dom mindset, so their owninternal preparation, their
presence, their intentionality,that can get overlooked because
the planning feels likepreparation.
I mean, it is, but it's not thesame as mindset.
(36:54):
You can have every toy organizedand still walk into a scene
distracted.
And subs, on the other hand,tend to be more aware of their
own head space.
We know if we're distracted ornot in our bodies, but setting
is what subs often leave, youknow, entirely to their Dom.
(37:14):
They assume it's not theirresponsibility, and sometimes
that's fine.
But when a sub takes activeownership of their piece of the
setting, so their body prep,their clothing, their own
sensory environment, even theirhair, it changes things.
So you stop being a passiverecipient of whatever the DOM
(37:37):
setup, and you start being anactive participant in building
the experience.
So whichever one you heard todayand thought, like, yeah, I
really need to do that, that'syour one.
That's what to work on first.
You don't have to overhauleverything, just address the one
you've been skipping.
And remember, if you are amember of our All Access Past,
(38:00):
take advantage of the scenecreation worksheets we have
inside.
They are designed specificallyto help you with exactly what we
talked about today.
They walk you through both themindset prep and the setting in
a structured, step-by-step way.
So you're not trying to hold allof this in your head before a
scene.
It's one of those resources thatpeople inside the All Access
(38:23):
Pass tell me they come back toover and over, especially when
they're planning a bigger sceneor trying something new.
So if you haven't used it yet,go find it.
And if you're not a member ofthe All Access Pass yet, but you
want a really solid startingpoint, I have a free sample
scene you can download atdomsubliving.com slash scene.
(38:46):
It's a real scene fully laid outand it incorporates a lot of
what we talked about today interms of structure and mindset
cues and settings.
So go grab it.
It's completely free.
That's domsubliv.com/slashscene.
I'll put a link for it in theshow notes too.
Now remember, at the very top ofthis episode, I asked you to
(39:06):
think about the last scene youhad and whether something felt a
little off and whether you couldput your finger on what it was.
I hope now you have a bettersense of what that something
might have been.
And more importantly, I hope youhave a real concrete plan for
what to do differently beforeyour next one.
The biggest takeaway is this: you don't need more gear, you (39:26):
undefined
don't need a bigger toycollection or a longer skills
list or a more elaborate scenestructure.
You need your mind to actuallybe in the room and you need your
environment to be working withyou instead of against you.
(39:47):
Mindset and setting.
Set and setting.
That's it.
That's the whole thing.
If this episode landed for you,I really want to ask you to
share it, like specifically,send it to your partner if you
have one.
Like seriously, text it to them.
This episode works better whenboth people hear it.
Because if you're doing all themindset prep and they're not, or
(40:10):
you're thinking about settingand they haven't thought about
it at all, you're still workingagainst each other.
So do this together.
And come find me in the DomSubliving community or reach out
to me on social media and tellme which one you've been missing
set or setting.
I genuinely want to know.
I read every message, but thankyou so much for being here.
(40:33):
And until next time, keepembracing your power and
pleasure through Dom Sub Living.
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