June 29, 2026 • 25 mins
#145 What if the biggest mistake in BDSM isn't what you think? Five top BDSM educators reveal the most common mistakes in Dominance, submission, consent, communication, trust, and personal growth. Their answers all point to one surprising truth. If you enjoyed this episode, please leave a review and subscribe for more.
– Justine Cross: https://www.thejustinecross.com
– Luna from Submissive Guide: https://shop.submissiveguide.com/products/the-submissives-toolbox
– Maja from Obedience App: https://app.obedienceapp.com/home
– Chris Maxwell Rose from Pleasure Mechanics: https://www.pleasuremechanics.com/the-podcast/
– Princess Rara from Pink Kink Podcast: https://pinkkinkpodcast.com
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➡️ Show notes and more: https://domsubliving.com/145
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SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
I asked five of the biggest BDSM educators the exact
same question.
What's the one thing most peopleget wrong that nobody talks
about?
Now, I expected five completelydifferent answers, but what
surprised me was that they allpointed to almost the exact same
mistake.
And I'm sorry, but it's probablyone you're making too.
(00:22):
Let's hear what they had to say.
Welcome to the Dom Sub Livingpodcast.
I'm super excited that you'respending time with me today, and
not just me today, but withseveral other kinksters like you
who were all beginners at onetime and who have seen lots of
people struggle along the wayand get lots of things wrong in
(00:43):
this lifestyle.
That's what this episode isabout.
This is a unique episode.
I'm bringing multiple clips fromseveral different kink educators
in the online BDSM world.
And I'll be chiming in aftereach of them just to talk a
little bit deeper about whatthey had to say.
And I'll tell you exactly whatthey're going to talk about in
(01:06):
just a second.
But yeah, I it did take a lot oftime to put this together, but I
thought it would be fun to askthe same question to different
kink experts out there who areliving the BDSM lifestyle, who
have found success with it, andwho would love to share their
insights with those who are juststarting out too.
(01:27):
That's what this episode isabout.
I've had the privilege ofpersonally working with each of
these amazing people, and someof their answers really hit home
for me, and some made me crackup laughing too.
But I'm going to share theirname, who they are, and where
you can find them so you canactually connect with that
(01:50):
person online.
And I'm also going to sharetheir answer to the question:
what's the one thing most peoplein BDSM get wrong that no one
talks about?
Like I said earlier, I'll chimein a little bit afterwards for
each one, and then we'll wrap itup.
All right, here we go.
Here is the first one.
(02:11):
This is Justine Cross.
Um, she actually lives here inthe LA area like me.
We're friends in real life.
I've been to her amazingdungeons.
She's not only an educator, butalso a pro-dom.
And you can find her atthustincross.com.
You can sign up for hernewsletter there and grab her
(02:34):
free videos and find all herother goodies there.
But here she is.
SPEAKER_05 (02:39):
So Alessandra asked me, what do people get wrong the
most about BDSM?
Besides not hiring me?
No.
Okay.
So I think the thing that I seemost in my 20 years of
experience of being in BDSM ispeople are really um sometimes I
guess I get a lot of theoverthinkers.
So people are always veryconcerned, am I doing this
(03:02):
right?
And I just want everyone to knowthat as long as you are not
harming yourself or harmingsomebody else, harm is different
from hurt, then you're doing itright.
You know, uh there's a lot ofdifferent ways that people
involve themselves with BDSM.
And the only ways that it isever going to be wrong is when
(03:24):
you harm someone.
So the two things that we alwayssay don't do is don't do breath
play by yourself and don't everleave anyone tied up and alone,
because that is how people endup not making it.
That's called death play, knownin murder in some circles.
So yeah, we don't want doingthat.
But BDSM is so wonderful.
(03:44):
It's called play.
It's called play for a reason.
You get to do all kinds of funstuff in BDSM between consenting
adults who have agreed to doBDSM.
So play.
Do different things withdifferent toys.
Try different things.
Just try it.
You just you don't have to stickwith it.
(04:05):
But there's this is life is arich tapestry.
So I just strongly encourage youto play and enjoy.
And as long as you're notharming yourself or somebody
else, then you're getting itright.
You're getting it right.
It's okay.
It's you're I tie a knotdifferently than you know my
partner ties a knot orsomething.
(04:26):
But as long as I'm not harmingthat person, then you're okay.
Well, I hope you do a lot ofright things in BDSM and don't
do anything wrong becausemistress will punish you.
Um, but only if you uh, youknow, come by and see me
sometime.
SPEAKER_00 (04:43):
So that was Justine Cross.
And again, you can connect withher at thejustinecross.com.
And she is freaking hilarious.
I I love her so much, but Ireally liked what she said
because I think so many peopleovercomplicate BDSM.
We spend so much time worryingabout whether we're doing it
(05:04):
right, whether we're submissiveenough or dominant enough, or
whether our relationship looksenough like what we see online.
But BDSM isn't a performance.
It isn't about checking boxes.
Um, I also appreciated that shereminded us that safety is where
(05:24):
the real roles are.
As long as you're practicinginformed consent and
communicating and not puttingyourself or someone else in
unnecessary danger, there's roomto experiment and discover what
actually works for you.
I love that she kept coming backto that one simple idea that
(05:45):
it's called play for a reason.
And sometimes I think we allneed that reminder.
Next up is Luna from SubmissiveGuide.
She is one of the OGs in theblogging space.
So many subs and DOM started outby learning from her.
You can find her atsubmissiveguide.com, but she
(06:07):
also has an amazing guidedworkbook called the Submissives
Toolkit, and that can help yougrow the core submissive skills
you need and deepen yourself-awareness.
But let's see what she had tosay.
SPEAKER_03 (06:19):
The thing that gets misunderstood, especially when
you're newer to submission, isthat being submissive does not
mean our identity shoulddisappear in the dynamic.
There's this romanticized ideathat when we submit, we hand
everything over.
Our choices, our needs, ourlimits, our voices, even our
sense of self somehow getsfolded up into what the dominant
(06:41):
wants.
And from the outside, that cansound romantic and it can feel
powerful in fantasy.
But in real-life power exchange,that kind of thinking can become
dangerous very quickly.
Just because you startidentifying as someone
submissive does not mean youstop being yourself.
You are still responsible forknowing and caring for yourself,
(07:03):
understanding your limits, andcommunicating your needs.
You should still be encouragedto develop your personal skills,
enjoy your hobbies, and build alife that brings you joy.
And when something feels off,you should feel empowered to
say, I need clarification, or Ineed to pause, or this isn't
working for me.
(07:24):
Having that personalresponsibility, I believe, makes
submission stronger.
Because healthy submission isnot about becoming empty so
someone else can fill in theblanks, and you don't need
someone to break you just so youcan be remade.
It's about bringing your fullself into the dynamic with
intention, including thepositive and imperfect parts of
(07:46):
yourself, so that submission hassomething real to grow from.
A dominant may lead and asubmissive may surrender, but
both people are responsible forthe power that they are
exchanging.
Because submission is not aboutjust obedience and pleasing
someone else.
It's also about learning who youare, what you're offering, what
(08:08):
you need, and how to participatein your dynamic as a whole
person.
Because the goal of submissionis not to disappear into
somebody else's desires.
It's about bringing your wholeself to the table with intention
and offering it from a place oftrust.
SPEAKER_00 (09:55):
So that was Luna from Submissive Guide.
And again, you can connect withher at submissiveguide.com and
also grab her submissivestoolkit.
And she is just so sweet.
And I really love this onebecause I think newer
submissives especially can startbelieving that submission means
(10:16):
losing themselves.
And I can completely understandwhy, because a lot of the
content online can make it seemlike your only purpose is making
your dominant happy.
But a healthy DS relationshipactually requires two whole
people.
Your needs matter, your limitsstill matter, your hobbies, your
(10:40):
friendships, your goals, theyall still matter.
Submission isn't aboutdisappearing behind someone
else.
It's about intentionallyoffering who you already are.
And I think that's such animportant thing to remember.
Now we have Maya from ObedienceApp.
I love Obedience App.
(11:02):
Me and my Dom have been usingthe Obedience App for years.
I recommend it to all of mystudents and clients.
You can actually download theapp for free and try it out for
yourself at ObedienceApp.com.
I highly recommend it.
But here she is.
SPEAKER_02 (11:18):
You cannot outsource your emotional regulation to
your partner.
If you do, you lose yourautonomy, which only leads to
problems in the dynamic.
A DS dynamic is, after all,built on the foundation of a
healthy relationship.
Concept of differentiationexplains that well.
Schnark in their 2010s book onthe topic explains
(11:40):
differentiation as people'sability to balance humankind's
two most fundamental drives.
Our desire for attachment andconnection on the one hand, and
our desire to be an individualand direct the course of our own
lives on the other.
The latter refers to the abilityto hold on to yourself when
important people in your lifepressure you to conform.
(12:02):
Differentiation yields emotionalautonomy, the basis of healthy
independence and the foundationfor intimacy and stability in
long-term relationships.
In other words, yes, the dynamicis supposed to make you feel
safe and calm.
However, a healthy dynamiccannot be an enmeshment of two
souls.
No matter how much sub friendlyis making you want to devote
(12:24):
your whole life to your dominantcounterpart and lose all
individuality, it's not good foryou.
What I mean by that is that it'snot healthy for a dominant to be
a replacement of your ownemotional regulation skills.
You can hand in your heart,sense of self, and senses to
your dominant in a scene, butyou need to be able to hold
(12:45):
yourself outside of the scene onyour own.
Your anxiety is not a task foryour dominant or submissive to
fix.
BDSM and Power Exchange canabsolutely help you stay
regulated through structure,through deep sensations, but
first and foremost, you shouldbe able to self-soothe and
self-regulate.
SPEAKER_00 (13:05):
So that was Maya from Obedience App.
And honestly, I think this isone of those topics we don't
hear nearly enough about.
It's really tempting when you'rein a DS relationship to think
your dominant is supposed to fixyour anxiety or make every
difficult emotion disappear.
(13:26):
I know I fell into that trapwhen I first started out, but
that's a huge amount of pressureto put on another person.
Like she said, structure andrituals can absolutely help us
feel grounded.
My own dynamic has helped methrough some like really
difficult stuff in my life, butit's still my responsibility to
(13:49):
learn healthy coping skills andemotional regulation outside of
the dynamic, too.
I think that's actually whatmakes a relationship stronger
because both people are bringingstability into the relationship
instead of expecting the otherperson to create it.
Next up is Chris Maxwell Rosefrom Pleasure Mechanics, such an
(14:12):
amazing name.
And I've I've actually learnedso much from them over the
years.
But you can find them atpleasuremechanics.com.
You can check out all of theiramazing things, like their
really cool podcasts, theirdifferent courses, and all of
their free content.
But here's what they had to say.
SPEAKER_04 (14:32):
One thing I think we don't talk about often enough
that leads a lot of us intodead-end dynamics and
unsatisfying scenes is thatwe're encouraged to
over-identify with our kinks.
Identities can be places ofbelonging and celebrations of
parts of ourselves.
But when we over-identify withour kinks, we don't allow our
(14:57):
full spectrum humanity.
We don't allow a multiplicityand plurality of identities to
emerge in different relationalcontexts and different phases of
our lives.
And most importantly, I think wecut off the intergenerational
learning that has been at theheart of Kink for well
(15:19):
generations.
I might be the biggest, baddesttop to my sweet submissive, but
if I'm in a room full ofLeatherdyke elders, I have a
whole lot to learn and I besthumble myself.
And equally, we need models ofidentities and power dynamics
that allow plurality andchangeability given different
(15:44):
contexts and conditions.
It's really important to allowall of us full spectrum humanity
and give the gift to ourcommunity of allowing us all to
be many different things all atonce.
I love the phrase alwaysbecoming because it allows us to
(16:05):
always become, always becomedifferent versions of ourselves,
to grow and to change, to askfor things as they emerge as
needs and wants, and to not giveup or repress any part of
ourself to serve someself-identity that is not
serving us.
Yes.
Cheers.
SPEAKER_00 (16:25):
So again, that was Chris Maxwell Rose from Pleasure
Mechanics.
And man, that was just sobeautiful.
And I really appreciated thisperspective because sometimes
labels can become boxes.
Like, yes, labels help usunderstand ourselves, they can
help us find community, but theyshouldn't stop us from growing.
(16:48):
I've changed over the years.
My DOM has changed, my dynamichas changed, my interests have
changed.
Even the way I teach BDSM hasevolved as I've learned more and
gained more experience.
I think one of the healthiestthings we can do is give
ourselves permission to keeplearning instead of feeling like
(17:11):
we have to protect an identitywe picked years ago.
So you're allowed to evolve.
And honestly, I hope that youdo.
Next up is Princess Rara fromPink Kink Podcasts.
And yes, she loves the colorpink and has tons of pink gear
and equipment.
(17:31):
But her website ispinkkinkpodcast.com.
And be sure to also follow heron Instagram.
Her account there is Pink PinkPodcast.
And she shares a lot of greatinsights for people in the
lifestyle there.
But here's what she had to say.
SPEAKER_01 (17:47):
What is something that I think too many people in
BDSM get wrong and not enoughpeople are talking about?
It's the misuse and the overuseof the term topping from the
bottom.
I'll admit it, I don't like thatterm at all.
I hear it used too frequentlyanytime a submissive is speaking
up.
When a submissive is sharinginformation about themselves,
(18:08):
sharing their wants, theirneeds, their likes, and their
dislikes, it's not a toppingfrom the bottom.
That's advocating forthemselves.
If I have a submissive who tellme that in an impact scene, they
like to start with thuddy.
And then once they're completelywarmed up, you can add stingy
and then go back and forth.
Again, I don't consider thattopping from the bottom.
I consider that a user manual ofmy partner and how to make the
(18:31):
scene the best it could possiblybe.
Unfortunately, the term toppingfrom the bottom has become this
absolute negative label.
And too many submissives areafraid of it and therefore are
afraid to share information withtheir partner.
And we really should beencouraging our partners to
share as much information withus as we can, not telling them
(18:55):
that when they're doing it, it'stopping from the bottom.
The other problem with the termis that people are looking at
topping from the bottom as aproblem when it's actually a
symptom.
If I have a partner who istrying to give me explicit
introductions of exactly howthey want a scene to go, that's
telling me there's a trust issuethere.
(19:17):
Either there's trauma fromprevious relationships, or we
just haven't gotten our dynamicto the point where they're
willing to let go and to trustme.
And instead of accusing them oftopping from the bottom, I'm
gonna figure out why the trustisn't there and work on solving
that problem.
And then I think from there itwill take care of any other
issues.
SPEAKER_00 (19:37):
So that was Princess Rara from Pink King Podcasts.
And again, you can find her onInstagram as well.
I thought she brought up areally interesting point because
I do think the phrase toppingfrom the bottom gets
misunderstood sometimes.
There is a big differencebetween advocating for yourself,
(19:58):
communicating your limits, orsharing what helps you have a
better scene, and actuallytrying to take over control of
the dynamic.
I also think it's important toremember that this isn't just
something submissives can do.
Dominance can bottom from thetop, too.
And they do this by giving awaytheir authority or constantly
(20:21):
looking to the submissive fordirection and validation and not
in a healthy way.
And at the end of the day,healthy BDSM requires
communication from both people.
I never want someone to beafraid to speak up about consent
and limits or safety becausethey're worried they'll be
(20:43):
labeled.
But at the same time, if eitherpartner is constantly trying to
manipulate the dynamic from therole they've agreed not to lead
from, then that's somethingworth talking about too.
Like a lot of things in BDSM, Idon't think it's black and
(21:04):
white.
So context definitely matters.
But I want to finish off bysharing my one thing that I
think most people in BDSM getwrong that no one talks about.
Before I get to that though,thank you to all of the
educators who took time out oftheir busy schedules and created
(21:25):
a message for everybody herelistening to the show.
So all the experts that createda clip for me, thank you so much
for that.
I really, really appreciate it.
And what I found reallyinteresting after editing all of
these clips was that everybodyanswered the question
differently, but somehow theyall kind of landed in almost the
(21:49):
exact same place.
Like every single one of themtalked in one way or another
about becoming more authenticand communicating better and
taking responsibility and givingyourself permission to grow.
I don't think that's acoincidence.
BDSM isn't just something we dofor a lot of us, it becomes one
(22:14):
of the biggest drivers forpersonal growth that we've ever
experienced.
So, with that, I guess I'll beeducator number six, a a bonus.
So if I had to answer thisquestion myself, what do I think
most people in BDSM get wrongthat nobody really talks about?
(22:35):
I'd say it's that theyunderestimate how much personal
growth BDSM requires.
I think a lot of people comeinto BDSM looking for better
physical intimacy or a strongerrelationship, or maybe just a
fun way to explore theirfantasies.
(22:56):
But what catches most people bysurprise is that BDSM ends up
basically holding up a mirror.
It asks you to communicatebetter, it asks you to become
more emotionally aware, to learnpatience, to become more honest
with yourself.
It asks you to takeresponsibility for your actions.
(23:19):
And sometimes that's the hardestpart.
We spend a lot of time talkingabout callers and protocols and
contracts and toys.
And those things are all fun.
But underneath all that, BDSM isreally about becoming a better
person and a better partner ifyou have one.
(23:41):
So whether you're a dominant ora submissive or a switch, if
you're willing to do that innerwork, your dynamic becomes so
much stronger.
I honestly think that's the partpeople don't talk about enough.
The kink is exciting, don't getme wrong, but the personal
(24:02):
growth is what changes yourlife.
I want to thank you all forlistening.
And especially because you, theaudience, the Dom Subliving
community, you are what helps mestay on this journey.
So I just want to say a hugethank you for your time today.
I hope you enjoyed this episode.
If you want to go and leave areview about what you thought
(24:25):
about this episode on ApplePodcasts, I'd really appreciate
it.
And you can also get the shownotes at domsubliving.com slash
one four five.
And that includes the names ofeverybody who was here and also
their links where you canconnect with them online.
So that's domsubliving.comslashone four five for episode 145.
(24:46):
I also wanted to give you a freegift today just for listening to
show you my appreciation.
You can grab it atdomsuving.comslash gift.
It's access to dozens of BDSMresources like videos,
workbooks, worksheets, guides,quizzes, and you can redeem all
of that for free atdomsubliving.com slash gift.
(25:10):
I hope you enjoy this episode.
Thank you for joining me andbeing a part of the Dom
Subliving community.
And a huge thank you again toall the amazing educators who
contributed today.
You can check out all of thedetails and links for the
episode in the description andshow notes.
And be sure to hit subscribebecause we have a lot of other
(25:30):
fun things planned.
But until next time, keepembracing your power and
pleasure through Dom Sub Living.
I asked five of the biggest BDSM educators the exact
same question.
What's the one thing most peopleget wrong that nobody talks
about?
Now, I expected five completelydifferent answers, but what
surprised me was that they allpointed to almost the exact same
mistake.
And I'm sorry, but it's probablyone you're making too.
(00:22):
Let's hear what they had to say.
Welcome to the Dom Sub Livingpodcast.
I'm super excited that you'respending time with me today, and
not just me today, but withseveral other kinksters like you
who were all beginners at onetime and who have seen lots of
people struggle along the wayand get lots of things wrong in
(00:43):
this lifestyle.
That's what this episode isabout.
This is a unique episode.
I'm bringing multiple clips fromseveral different kink educators
in the online BDSM world.
And I'll be chiming in aftereach of them just to talk a
little bit deeper about whatthey had to say.
And I'll tell you exactly whatthey're going to talk about in
(01:06):
just a second.
But yeah, I it did take a lot oftime to put this together, but I
thought it would be fun to askthe same question to different
kink experts out there who areliving the BDSM lifestyle, who
have found success with it, andwho would love to share their
insights with those who are juststarting out too.
(01:27):
That's what this episode isabout.
I've had the privilege ofpersonally working with each of
these amazing people, and someof their answers really hit home
for me, and some made me crackup laughing too.
But I'm going to share theirname, who they are, and where
you can find them so you canactually connect with that
(01:50):
person online.
And I'm also going to sharetheir answer to the question:
what's the one thing most peoplein BDSM get wrong that no one
talks about?
Like I said earlier, I'll chimein a little bit afterwards for
each one, and then we'll wrap itup.
All right, here we go.
Here is the first one.
(02:11):
This is Justine Cross.
Um, she actually lives here inthe LA area like me.
We're friends in real life.
I've been to her amazingdungeons.
She's not only an educator, butalso a pro-dom.
And you can find her atthustincross.com.
You can sign up for hernewsletter there and grab her
(02:34):
free videos and find all herother goodies there.
But here she is.
SPEAKER_05 (02:39):
So Alessandra asked me, what do people get wrong the
most about BDSM?
Besides not hiring me?
No.
Okay.
So I think the thing that I seemost in my 20 years of
experience of being in BDSM ispeople are really um sometimes I
guess I get a lot of theoverthinkers.
So people are always veryconcerned, am I doing this
(03:02):
right?
And I just want everyone to knowthat as long as you are not
harming yourself or harmingsomebody else, harm is different
from hurt, then you're doing itright.
You know, uh there's a lot ofdifferent ways that people
involve themselves with BDSM.
And the only ways that it isever going to be wrong is when
(03:24):
you harm someone.
So the two things that we alwayssay don't do is don't do breath
play by yourself and don't everleave anyone tied up and alone,
because that is how people endup not making it.
That's called death play, knownin murder in some circles.
So yeah, we don't want doingthat.
But BDSM is so wonderful.
(03:44):
It's called play.
It's called play for a reason.
You get to do all kinds of funstuff in BDSM between consenting
adults who have agreed to doBDSM.
So play.
Do different things withdifferent toys.
Try different things.
Just try it.
You just you don't have to stickwith it.
(04:05):
But there's this is life is arich tapestry.
So I just strongly encourage youto play and enjoy.
And as long as you're notharming yourself or somebody
else, then you're getting itright.
You're getting it right.
It's okay.
It's you're I tie a knotdifferently than you know my
partner ties a knot orsomething.
(04:26):
But as long as I'm not harmingthat person, then you're okay.
Well, I hope you do a lot ofright things in BDSM and don't
do anything wrong becausemistress will punish you.
Um, but only if you uh, youknow, come by and see me
sometime.
SPEAKER_00 (04:43):
So that was Justine Cross.
And again, you can connect withher at thejustinecross.com.
And she is freaking hilarious.
I I love her so much, but Ireally liked what she said
because I think so many peopleovercomplicate BDSM.
We spend so much time worryingabout whether we're doing it
(05:04):
right, whether we're submissiveenough or dominant enough, or
whether our relationship looksenough like what we see online.
But BDSM isn't a performance.
It isn't about checking boxes.
Um, I also appreciated that shereminded us that safety is where
(05:24):
the real roles are.
As long as you're practicinginformed consent and
communicating and not puttingyourself or someone else in
unnecessary danger, there's roomto experiment and discover what
actually works for you.
I love that she kept coming backto that one simple idea that
(05:45):
it's called play for a reason.
And sometimes I think we allneed that reminder.
Next up is Luna from SubmissiveGuide.
She is one of the OGs in theblogging space.
So many subs and DOM started outby learning from her.
You can find her atsubmissiveguide.com, but she
(06:07):
also has an amazing guidedworkbook called the Submissives
Toolkit, and that can help yougrow the core submissive skills
you need and deepen yourself-awareness.
But let's see what she had tosay.
SPEAKER_03 (06:19):
The thing that gets misunderstood, especially when
you're newer to submission, isthat being submissive does not
mean our identity shoulddisappear in the dynamic.
There's this romanticized ideathat when we submit, we hand
everything over.
Our choices, our needs, ourlimits, our voices, even our
sense of self somehow getsfolded up into what the dominant
(06:41):
wants.
And from the outside, that cansound romantic and it can feel
powerful in fantasy.
But in real-life power exchange,that kind of thinking can become
dangerous very quickly.
Just because you startidentifying as someone
submissive does not mean youstop being yourself.
You are still responsible forknowing and caring for yourself,
(07:03):
understanding your limits, andcommunicating your needs.
You should still be encouragedto develop your personal skills,
enjoy your hobbies, and build alife that brings you joy.
And when something feels off,you should feel empowered to
say, I need clarification, or Ineed to pause, or this isn't
working for me.
(07:24):
Having that personalresponsibility, I believe, makes
submission stronger.
Because healthy submission isnot about becoming empty so
someone else can fill in theblanks, and you don't need
someone to break you just so youcan be remade.
It's about bringing your fullself into the dynamic with
intention, including thepositive and imperfect parts of
(07:46):
yourself, so that submission hassomething real to grow from.
A dominant may lead and asubmissive may surrender, but
both people are responsible forthe power that they are
exchanging.
Because submission is not aboutjust obedience and pleasing
someone else.
It's also about learning who youare, what you're offering, what
(08:08):
you need, and how to participatein your dynamic as a whole
person.
Because the goal of submissionis not to disappear into
somebody else's desires.
It's about bringing your wholeself to the table with intention
and offering it from a place oftrust.
SPEAKER_00 (09:55):
So that was Luna from Submissive Guide.
And again, you can connect withher at submissiveguide.com and
also grab her submissivestoolkit.
And she is just so sweet.
And I really love this onebecause I think newer
submissives especially can startbelieving that submission means
(10:16):
losing themselves.
And I can completely understandwhy, because a lot of the
content online can make it seemlike your only purpose is making
your dominant happy.
But a healthy DS relationshipactually requires two whole
people.
Your needs matter, your limitsstill matter, your hobbies, your
(10:40):
friendships, your goals, theyall still matter.
Submission isn't aboutdisappearing behind someone
else.
It's about intentionallyoffering who you already are.
And I think that's such animportant thing to remember.
Now we have Maya from ObedienceApp.
I love Obedience App.
(11:02):
Me and my Dom have been usingthe Obedience App for years.
I recommend it to all of mystudents and clients.
You can actually download theapp for free and try it out for
yourself at ObedienceApp.com.
I highly recommend it.
But here she is.
SPEAKER_02 (11:18):
You cannot outsource your emotional regulation to
your partner.
If you do, you lose yourautonomy, which only leads to
problems in the dynamic.
A DS dynamic is, after all,built on the foundation of a
healthy relationship.
Concept of differentiationexplains that well.
Schnark in their 2010s book onthe topic explains
(11:40):
differentiation as people'sability to balance humankind's
two most fundamental drives.
Our desire for attachment andconnection on the one hand, and
our desire to be an individualand direct the course of our own
lives on the other.
The latter refers to the abilityto hold on to yourself when
important people in your lifepressure you to conform.
(12:02):
Differentiation yields emotionalautonomy, the basis of healthy
independence and the foundationfor intimacy and stability in
long-term relationships.
In other words, yes, the dynamicis supposed to make you feel
safe and calm.
However, a healthy dynamiccannot be an enmeshment of two
souls.
No matter how much sub friendlyis making you want to devote
(12:24):
your whole life to your dominantcounterpart and lose all
individuality, it's not good foryou.
What I mean by that is that it'snot healthy for a dominant to be
a replacement of your ownemotional regulation skills.
You can hand in your heart,sense of self, and senses to
your dominant in a scene, butyou need to be able to hold
(12:45):
yourself outside of the scene onyour own.
Your anxiety is not a task foryour dominant or submissive to
fix.
BDSM and Power Exchange canabsolutely help you stay
regulated through structure,through deep sensations, but
first and foremost, you shouldbe able to self-soothe and
self-regulate.
SPEAKER_00 (13:05):
So that was Maya from Obedience App.
And honestly, I think this isone of those topics we don't
hear nearly enough about.
It's really tempting when you'rein a DS relationship to think
your dominant is supposed to fixyour anxiety or make every
difficult emotion disappear.
(13:26):
I know I fell into that trapwhen I first started out, but
that's a huge amount of pressureto put on another person.
Like she said, structure andrituals can absolutely help us
feel grounded.
My own dynamic has helped methrough some like really
difficult stuff in my life, butit's still my responsibility to
(13:49):
learn healthy coping skills andemotional regulation outside of
the dynamic, too.
I think that's actually whatmakes a relationship stronger
because both people are bringingstability into the relationship
instead of expecting the otherperson to create it.
Next up is Chris Maxwell Rosefrom Pleasure Mechanics, such an
(14:12):
amazing name.
And I've I've actually learnedso much from them over the
years.
But you can find them atpleasuremechanics.com.
You can check out all of theiramazing things, like their
really cool podcasts, theirdifferent courses, and all of
their free content.
But here's what they had to say.
SPEAKER_04 (14:32):
One thing I think we don't talk about often enough
that leads a lot of us intodead-end dynamics and
unsatisfying scenes is thatwe're encouraged to
over-identify with our kinks.
Identities can be places ofbelonging and celebrations of
parts of ourselves.
But when we over-identify withour kinks, we don't allow our
(14:57):
full spectrum humanity.
We don't allow a multiplicityand plurality of identities to
emerge in different relationalcontexts and different phases of
our lives.
And most importantly, I think wecut off the intergenerational
learning that has been at theheart of Kink for well
(15:19):
generations.
I might be the biggest, baddesttop to my sweet submissive, but
if I'm in a room full ofLeatherdyke elders, I have a
whole lot to learn and I besthumble myself.
And equally, we need models ofidentities and power dynamics
that allow plurality andchangeability given different
(15:44):
contexts and conditions.
It's really important to allowall of us full spectrum humanity
and give the gift to ourcommunity of allowing us all to
be many different things all atonce.
I love the phrase alwaysbecoming because it allows us to
(16:05):
always become, always becomedifferent versions of ourselves,
to grow and to change, to askfor things as they emerge as
needs and wants, and to not giveup or repress any part of
ourself to serve someself-identity that is not
serving us.
Yes.
Cheers.
SPEAKER_00 (16:25):
So again, that was Chris Maxwell Rose from Pleasure
Mechanics.
And man, that was just sobeautiful.
And I really appreciated thisperspective because sometimes
labels can become boxes.
Like, yes, labels help usunderstand ourselves, they can
help us find community, but theyshouldn't stop us from growing.
(16:48):
I've changed over the years.
My DOM has changed, my dynamichas changed, my interests have
changed.
Even the way I teach BDSM hasevolved as I've learned more and
gained more experience.
I think one of the healthiestthings we can do is give
ourselves permission to keeplearning instead of feeling like
(17:11):
we have to protect an identitywe picked years ago.
So you're allowed to evolve.
And honestly, I hope that youdo.
Next up is Princess Rara fromPink Kink Podcasts.
And yes, she loves the colorpink and has tons of pink gear
and equipment.
(17:31):
But her website ispinkkinkpodcast.com.
And be sure to also follow heron Instagram.
Her account there is Pink PinkPodcast.
And she shares a lot of greatinsights for people in the
lifestyle there.
But here's what she had to say.
SPEAKER_01 (17:47):
What is something that I think too many people in
BDSM get wrong and not enoughpeople are talking about?
It's the misuse and the overuseof the term topping from the
bottom.
I'll admit it, I don't like thatterm at all.
I hear it used too frequentlyanytime a submissive is speaking
up.
When a submissive is sharinginformation about themselves,
(18:08):
sharing their wants, theirneeds, their likes, and their
dislikes, it's not a toppingfrom the bottom.
That's advocating forthemselves.
If I have a submissive who tellme that in an impact scene, they
like to start with thuddy.
And then once they're completelywarmed up, you can add stingy
and then go back and forth.
Again, I don't consider thattopping from the bottom.
I consider that a user manual ofmy partner and how to make the
(18:31):
scene the best it could possiblybe.
Unfortunately, the term toppingfrom the bottom has become this
absolute negative label.
And too many submissives areafraid of it and therefore are
afraid to share information withtheir partner.
And we really should beencouraging our partners to
share as much information withus as we can, not telling them
(18:55):
that when they're doing it, it'stopping from the bottom.
The other problem with the termis that people are looking at
topping from the bottom as aproblem when it's actually a
symptom.
If I have a partner who istrying to give me explicit
introductions of exactly howthey want a scene to go, that's
telling me there's a trust issuethere.
(19:17):
Either there's trauma fromprevious relationships, or we
just haven't gotten our dynamicto the point where they're
willing to let go and to trustme.
And instead of accusing them oftopping from the bottom, I'm
gonna figure out why the trustisn't there and work on solving
that problem.
And then I think from there itwill take care of any other
issues.
SPEAKER_00 (19:37):
So that was Princess Rara from Pink King Podcasts.
And again, you can find her onInstagram as well.
I thought she brought up areally interesting point because
I do think the phrase toppingfrom the bottom gets
misunderstood sometimes.
There is a big differencebetween advocating for yourself,
(19:58):
communicating your limits, orsharing what helps you have a
better scene, and actuallytrying to take over control of
the dynamic.
I also think it's important toremember that this isn't just
something submissives can do.
Dominance can bottom from thetop, too.
And they do this by giving awaytheir authority or constantly
(20:21):
looking to the submissive fordirection and validation and not
in a healthy way.
And at the end of the day,healthy BDSM requires
communication from both people.
I never want someone to beafraid to speak up about consent
and limits or safety becausethey're worried they'll be
(20:43):
labeled.
But at the same time, if eitherpartner is constantly trying to
manipulate the dynamic from therole they've agreed not to lead
from, then that's somethingworth talking about too.
Like a lot of things in BDSM, Idon't think it's black and
(21:04):
white.
So context definitely matters.
But I want to finish off bysharing my one thing that I
think most people in BDSM getwrong that no one talks about.
Before I get to that though,thank you to all of the
educators who took time out oftheir busy schedules and created
(21:25):
a message for everybody herelistening to the show.
So all the experts that createda clip for me, thank you so much
for that.
I really, really appreciate it.
And what I found reallyinteresting after editing all of
these clips was that everybodyanswered the question
differently, but somehow theyall kind of landed in almost the
(21:49):
exact same place.
Like every single one of themtalked in one way or another
about becoming more authenticand communicating better and
taking responsibility and givingyourself permission to grow.
I don't think that's acoincidence.
BDSM isn't just something we dofor a lot of us, it becomes one
(22:14):
of the biggest drivers forpersonal growth that we've ever
experienced.
So, with that, I guess I'll beeducator number six, a a bonus.
So if I had to answer thisquestion myself, what do I think
most people in BDSM get wrongthat nobody really talks about?
(22:35):
I'd say it's that theyunderestimate how much personal
growth BDSM requires.
I think a lot of people comeinto BDSM looking for better
physical intimacy or a strongerrelationship, or maybe just a
fun way to explore theirfantasies.
(22:56):
But what catches most people bysurprise is that BDSM ends up
basically holding up a mirror.
It asks you to communicatebetter, it asks you to become
more emotionally aware, to learnpatience, to become more honest
with yourself.
It asks you to takeresponsibility for your actions.
(23:19):
And sometimes that's the hardestpart.
We spend a lot of time talkingabout callers and protocols and
contracts and toys.
And those things are all fun.
But underneath all that, BDSM isreally about becoming a better
person and a better partner ifyou have one.
(23:41):
So whether you're a dominant ora submissive or a switch, if
you're willing to do that innerwork, your dynamic becomes so
much stronger.
I honestly think that's the partpeople don't talk about enough.
The kink is exciting, don't getme wrong, but the personal
(24:02):
growth is what changes yourlife.
I want to thank you all forlistening.
And especially because you, theaudience, the Dom Subliving
community, you are what helps mestay on this journey.
So I just want to say a hugethank you for your time today.
I hope you enjoyed this episode.
If you want to go and leave areview about what you thought
(24:25):
about this episode on ApplePodcasts, I'd really appreciate
it.
And you can also get the shownotes at domsubliving.com slash
one four five.
And that includes the names ofeverybody who was here and also
their links where you canconnect with them online.
So that's domsubliving.comslashone four five for episode 145.
(24:46):
I also wanted to give you a freegift today just for listening to
show you my appreciation.
You can grab it atdomsuving.comslash gift.
It's access to dozens of BDSMresources like videos,
workbooks, worksheets, guides,quizzes, and you can redeem all
of that for free atdomsubliving.com slash gift.
(25:10):
I hope you enjoy this episode.
Thank you for joining me andbeing a part of the Dom
Subliving community.
And a huge thank you again toall the amazing educators who
contributed today.
You can check out all of thedetails and links for the
episode in the description andshow notes.
And be sure to hit subscribebecause we have a lot of other
(25:30):
fun things planned.
But until next time, keepembracing your power and
pleasure through Dom Sub Living.
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